Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 10
Variety Vault
Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Katherine Hepburn…..Kristen Wiig
James Dean…..James Franco
Liberace…..Fred Armisen
Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott
Announcer: You’re watching TV Land — which means you are a cat, in an empty apartment.
[ dissolve to Vincent Price on black-and-white set. The crow perched on his shoulder wears a Santa hat. ]Vincent Price: Hoooo! Hoooo! Hoooo! Christmas! For many, a time of cheer! For others, a cruel reminder that the bitter chill of Winter is upon us! The one night of the year when an intruder in bright red garb is greeted with joy! When ghosts… are often visited… [ smoke rises out of control, causing Price to choke ] Guys! Can we cut the smoke, please?! Just go to the package! Go to the package!
[ cut to title card ]Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s 1954 Christmas Special”. Now, please welcome your host, fresh from the River Styx, Vincent Price!
Vincent Price: Tonight! A collection of guests will arrive, and together they will delve into the mystery that is… Secret Santa! [ thunder rumbles, the doorbell chimes ] Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the African Queen herself — Katherine Hepburn!
[ Price opens the door to Katherine Hepburn, who drags a tree inside ]Katherine Hepburn: Hello, Vincent! I’m here! My Secret Santa gift is a tree! I’m telling you because I don’t care for secrets! It’s a Norway spruce that I cut down MYSELF in Connecticut!
Vincent Price: You dragged a tree from Connecticut to Burbank?
Katherine Hepburn: Oh, I don’t care for planes, Vincent, and I DESPISE trains! I like BRISK walks and GOOD exercise!
Vincent Price: Wow! So, you actually —
Katherine Hepburn: A good walk would do YOU some good, Vincent! LOOK at you, you could use some color in those cheeks!
Vincent Price: I — I —
Katherine Hepburn: Now, WHERE shall I put this? I need a good wicker tree basket! I don’t see one here. Well, fine! [ with that, she drags the tree across the set and leaves Price by himself ]
Vincent Price: [ snidely ] Nice talking to you! [ the doorbell chimes ] And now, our next guest! From the hit film, “East of Eden” — Mr. James Dean!
[ Price opens the door, as James Dean swaggers in ]James Dean: Hey…
Vincent Price: Merry Christmas, James!
James Dean: I… guess.
Vincent Price: [ excited ] Did you bring a Secret Santa gift?
James Dean: Don’t tell me what to do!
Vincent Price: I’m not telling you anything…
James Dean: [ anguished ] YOU’RE ALWAYS HASSLING ME!!!
Vincent Price: WE JUST MET!! [ a beat ] Easy creasy…
[ Price perks up when hears piano music pot up ]Vincent Price: Ah! That sound can only mean ONE thing! Please welcome the man, the music — LIBERACE!
Liberace: Well! Hello there, Vincent! [ flirty ] Hi, James!
Vincent Price: Eaaaaaaasy! Did you bring a Secret Santa gift for us, Liberace?
Liberace: Well, YES, I did! [ he holds up a round ornament ] As you can see, I have this lovely Christmas ornament, that was given to me by President Batista during my last trip to Havana. In fact — [ he picks up a second ornament and holds them swinging ] I bought TWO of them! I prefer them in pairs, and I like them them in EVERY color except BLUE! [ he laughs ]
Vincent Price: WATCH IT!!!
[ he dangles the ornaments in front of Dean ] Does this do anything for you, James?James Dean: I don’t know! I don’t know ANYTHING any more! I’m SO confused!
Liberace: That’s a start! Come on, sit down!
[ Dean sits next to Liberace on the piano bench ]Vincent Price: Full court press, huh, Liberace? Katherine, how are we doing with the tree?
Katherine Hepburn: I got a problem, Vincent! My Norway spruce has a stowaway!
[ a raccoon is perched on the side of the tree ]Vincent Price: Y-you brought a wild animal onto the set?!
[ the raccoon has now latched onto Hepburn’s neck, as she struggles ]Katherine Hepburn: He’s got some fight in him!
Vincent Price: Uh — uh — hotchi motchi! Let’s take a commercial break while we sort this out!
[ cut to commercial ]Marilyn Monroe: I’m Marilyn Monroe! And when I get blue — I reach for a box of Asbestos! [ she tosses the flakes into the air and lets it drop like snow ] Mmmm… Asbestos! It’s as-best-os can be!
[ return to Price still struggling with Hpeburn and the raccoon ]Vincent Price: Please, just — [ he looks at the camera ] Oh, we’re back already?! Whose four-second Asbestos commercial?
[ Hepburn suddenly snaps the raccoon’s neck ]Katherine Hepburn: I killed it, I did!
Vincent Price: Katherine, you’ve been bit!
Katherine Hepburn: Oh, that doesn’t bother me! I’ve got a strong constitution because I drink good, COLD water and I do a hundred SQUAT THRUSTS a day! I’m gonna go treat this bite and bury this DEAD animal! [ she saunters off ]
Vincent Price: Very good. Very Christmasy. [ he taps his fingers nervously on Liberace’s piano ]
Liberace: Why don’t you sing with me, James?
James Dean: [ whining ] Aw, I don’t sing!
Liberace: [ singing ] “Deck the halls with boughs of holly…”
James Dean: Just TRY it!
Together: “Fa, la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!”
James Dean: I — I like that! I guess I should try new things more often!
Liberace: Well… [ grinning ] Merry Christmas to ME!! [ he laughs ]
Vincent Price: What, you just want people to know? Is that your deal these days? [ changing the subject ] Kate, are you okay?
[ cut to Hepburn frothing at the mouth ]Vincent Price: Okaaaaaayyy, Katherine has rabies! Wonderful. Let’s end this thing. [ reciting ] “As the Magi brought gifts in ancient times, so, too, have we brought you holiday cheer, with a touch of the macabre.” My thanks to Katherine Hepburn — [ reveal empty space on set ] Annnnnd she’s gone. My thanks to James Dean and Liberace — [ reveal Dean seated alone on piano bench, breathing heavily ] Is Liberace gone, too?
[ suddenly, Liberace hands raises from underneathe piano and signals ]liberace: Still here!
Vincent Price: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!! NOOOO!! GO TO A COMMERCIAL!!!
[ Hepburn’s froth-covered ace jumps up in the foreground ] [ cut to title card ]Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Christmas Special”.
[ fade ]