Month: October 2018

Partridge Family vs. The Brady Bunch

Laurie Partridge…..Susan Dey
Keith Partridge…..Dana Carvey
Danny Partridge…..Mike Myers
Shirley Partridge…..Julia Sweeney
Jan Brady…..Melanie Hutsell
Tracy Partridge…..Siobhan Fallon
Greg Brady…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Brady…..Beth Cahill
Cindy Brady…..Victoria Jackson
Peter Brady…..Adam Sandler
Reuben Kincaid…..Chris Farley
Christopher Partridge…..David Spade
Bobby Brady…..Rob Schneider

[ open on “Partridge Family” opening theme sequence ]

[ dissolve to Partridge garage, as the family practices their tunes; Reuben Kincaid stands at the back of the garage, watching and nodding approvingly ]

Partridge Family: [ singing ]
“I’m sleeping
And right in the middle of a good dream
like all at once I wake up..”

[ a knock at the garge door ]

Laurie Partridge: I hear a knock at the door!

Keith Partridge: [ to Danny ] Ah.. you wanna go get that, Squirt?

Danny Partridge: I don’t work for free!

[ the door opens, Jan Brady enters ]

Shirley Partridge: Hey, everybody, look who’s here – it’s Jan Brady from across the street!

Jan Brady: Hi! What’s going on? I got so sick of Marcia, I had to get away! She had already promised a date with Charlie, and she dumped him for Doug Simpson, the big man on campus ‘ cause something suddenly came up. Then Peter accidentally hit her in the nose with a football! But she deserved it, ’cause all I ever hear about is Marcia. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!

Laurie Partridge: Hey, we have our problems, too. I mean, last week a skunk got on the tour bus and Danny got sprayed. So we all had to take baths in tomato juice before the performance.

Shirley Partridge: So, Jan, let’s jam!

Jan Brady: [ excited ] Okay! Yeah! I’d like that, I guess. Sure! Let’s do it!

Tracy Partridge: I’ve got a tambourine! [ hands it to Jan ]

Jan Brady: Alright!

[ The Partridge Family starts “I Think I LOve You” again, but Jan interrupts ]

Jan Brady: Hey! You guys aren’t singing! You’re faking! And those pretty voices are on a tape! I’m gonna go tell my brothers and sisters! [ pokes her head out the garage door ] Hey, you guys! Come on!

[ the five other Brady siblings enter the garage ]

Greg Brady: Hey, Jan, what’s up?

Marcia Brady: Yeah! What’s all the fuss about?

Keith Partridge: [ moves forward ] Hey, Marcia. You still playing hard to get?

Marcia Brady: Don’t even try it, Keith! Jan, why’d you call us over here?

Jan Brady: I just found out the world-famous Partridge Family doesn’t sing their own songs! They’re faking!

Cindy Brady: That’s not very nice..

Peter Brady: [ still struggling through puberty ] Yeah! You could set a really crummy example for the other bands!

Reuben Kincaid: [ finally speaks ] Yeah? Well, at least this band has a great sound!

Jan Brady: What do you mean? THe Brady Six has a great sound!

Greg Brady: Yeah! We challenge you guys to a Battle of the Bands!

Brady Six: [ singing ]
I think I’ll go for a walk outside now,
The summertime’s calling my name, I hear it now.
I just can’t stay inside all day,
I’ve got to get out, gimme some of those rays.

Everybody’s smiling (sunshine day),
Everybody’s laughing (sunshine day)..”

Laurie Partridge: That’s pathetic!

Keith Partridge: Yeah, yeah.. one.. two!

Partridge Family: [ singing ]
“I think I love you! (I think I love you)
I think I love you
So what am I so afraid of?
I’m afraid that I’m not sure of
A love there is no cure for..”

Greg Brady: I know what you’re afraid of! You’re afriad of this next song!

Brady Six: [ singing ]
“When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange,
Who you are and what you’re gonna be.
Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na..”

Christopher Partridge: Shut up! Shut up! Hey, everybody! Let’s show them what we can do!

Partridge Family: [ singing ]
“I woke up in love this morning
I woke up in love this morning
Went to sleep with you on my mind.”

Jan Brady: You make me sick! You make me sick! We’ve got choreography!

Brady Six: [ singing ]
“We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on singing and dancing all through the night.We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doing it right.”

Keith Partridge: Alright, alright, alright, enough, enough! Now, let’s try to work this out.. Mom, help us out.

Greg Brady: [ laughs ] Shyeah! Momma’s boy! I guess you gotta talk to Momma! Poor baby doesn’t have a daddy!

Reuben Kincaid: Hey, watch it! I’ll show ya who’s Daddy! [ pulls Shirley down and plants an aggressive kiss on her ]

Laurie Partridge: Come on! Maybe we don’t have a dad, and maybe we do lip-sycnh.. but you’re all half-adopted! [ Bradys all yell “Shut up!” ] It’s true! None of you are related as brother and sister, so what’s going on there?!

Jan Brady: We’re all couples! Is that what you want to hear? By the way, Laurie, I always envied you when you got a radio station in on your braces! That was really far out!

Mushmouth: Heyba, babies! What’sba allba fuss about? At leastba you can talkba..

Keith Partridge: Hey! Mushmouth from “Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids” is right!

Jan Brady: He is, Keith! Hey, everybody – let’s all play together!

Shirley Partridge: Now you’re talking!

[ they all sing “I Think I Love You” together, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

The Sensitive Naked Man

Sensitive Naked Man…..Rob Schneider
Cathy…..Susan Dey

[ open on the Sensitive Naked Man entering Cathy’s apartment. He carries a book to cover his privates from the camera ]

Sensitive Naked Man: It’s really good to see you again, Cathy. It’s been too long.

Cathy: Well, it’s great that you stopped by. [ sits on the couch ]

Sensitive Naked Man: [ sits next to Cathy on the couch ] I brought you something. It’s a book.

Cathy: Wow! Where’d you get this?

Sensitive Naked Man: One of those second-hand bookstores downtown. It seemed like you. So, how have you been? Have you been okay?

Cathy: Yeah, I’m fine.

Sensitive Naked Man: Wait a minute. Something’s wrong. I can tell.

Cathy: [ sighs ] No. I’m doing great. Really.

Sensitive Naked Man: What’s troubling you, Cathy?

Cathy: Nothing! Nothing!

Sensitive Naked Man: Hey, come on. I can always tell when something’s bothering you.

Cathy: [ sighs ] Well.. if you really want to know.. it’s because you’re not wearing any clothes. And it really freaks me out.

Sensitive Naked Man: Hey, come on. What’s really bothering you?

Cathy: I told you! It’s your nakedness. You never ever wear any clothes. Never. It’s really disturbing. And I think I’d really prefer it if you, like, went home and put something on. [ stands ]

Sensitive Naked Man: If you think I’m leaving you before I find out what’s really bothering you, you’re crazy.

Cathy: Would you just.. put, like, a towel on, or something?

Sensitive Naked Man: Hey, we’re talking about everything except what’s really bothering you, aren’t we? Sure, I could put on a towel, or borrow your bathrobe, but we’re not going to find out what’s really bothering you until you can really talk about it. Now, come on. [ they sit ]

Cathy: Okay.. When I was a little girl, my mother had a beautiful music box that meant a lot to her.. and one day I was playing with it, and I broke it! And I was too afraid to tell her.. and I hid all the pieces away.. and she never found out what happened to it.. and now she’s dead..!

Sensitive Naked Man: Hey, hey.. it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.

Cathy: No?

Sensitive Naked Man: You were just a kid.

Cathy: Yeah..

Sensitive Naked Man: You were just a kid..

Cathy: Oh.. wow! You know, I’ve never been able to tell anybody that before.. thank you!

Sensitive Naked Man: Come on.. let’s go get some sushi!

Cathy: [ smiles ] No, I don’t think so.

Sensitive Naked Man: Why not?

Cathy: Because you don’t have any clothes on.

Sensitive Naked Man: Come on, Cathy. What’s really bothering you?

Cathy: You’re naked.

Sensitive Naked Man: Tell you what? Why don’t I go down there and get us a table, and you can come down when you’re ready. Okay?

Cathy: Okay. [ smiles ]

Sensitive Naked Man: [ stands and walks toward the door, exposing his butt crack ]

Announcer: This has been “The Sensitive Naked Man”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Art Museum

Black Woman…..Ellen Cleghorne
Lawyer…..Mike Myers
Housewife…..Susan Dey
Spoiled White Girl…..Beth Cahill
Black Boyfriend…..Tim Meadows
Art Critic…..Phil Hartman
Security Guard…..Chris Farley
Lunatic…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior Museum, Black Woman staring toward the camera at what is supposed to be a painting on the wall. Lawyer enters from back hall, and also stares forward at the painting. ]

Black Woman: You know, I may not be a major art critic or anything, but I rally like this painting. [ exits scene ]

Lawyer: [ looks at the painting more closely, as a Housewife enters the scene behind him ] Wow. You know, I may just be an arrogant, bandwagon-jumping, yuppie lawyer who knows nothing about art, but I fool myself into thinking people feel my opinion is important, so I’m compelled to give one. [ pause ] Crap!

Housewife: Now.. hold on a second.. I know I’m just a bored housewife who only came in here to buy a museum totebag so that people on my city bus will think I’m cultured.. but by initiating a conversation with me, you’ve given me the opportunity to run my big, fat yapper and annoy somebody besides my husband and children for a change. I thik it’s very good.

Lawyer: You remind me of my mother. I am leaving the museum. [ walks away ]

Housewife: Wait. I’ll go with you. [ follows him ]

Spoiled White Girl: [ enters scene with Black Boyfriend, stares at the painting ] Look at this one. You know, even though I’m in college majoring in Art History, I still know nothing about art, due mainly because I chose that major, not to learn, but rather to get revenge on my parents. In addition to my choice of major, I’m doing other things to upset and irritate them, such as: dating a black man, and shaving the side of my head. It reminds me of that dot-painting guy.

Art Critic: [ enters slowly from the side and stares at the painting between the couple ] I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying. I, like you, majored in Art History, but I enjoye it, or, at least, created the illusion I liked it because I had to. As a left-wing, PBS-watching, pottery-making gay activist, it was expected that I enjoy it along with foreign films and goatees. And now for my predictable, pretentious opinion on this painting: it’s revolting.

Black Boyfriend: Really? Well, before we get into a fight over this, I’m going to interrupt this conversation by dragging this spoiled white freak over to the Banana Republic to buy me some new clothes, and maybe a belt, so I can tie her up later and make her moo like a cow. [ they walk off ]

Security Guard: [ enters from the back, approaches Art Critic staring at the painting ] Fifteen minutes to closing! Fifteen minutes, and the gallery will be closed! [ looks at painting ] You know, even though I’ve worked here for eight years, I never really had the time to enjoy looking at the paintings. I guess I’m just too busy loafing around! [ laughs ] And dreaming about 5:00 PM, when I can punch the clock and haul my fat ass home to my place in Queens and watch “Growing Pains”. With a six-pack of Pabst’s Blue Ribbon and a box of Dunkin Donuts on my lap. I just wish I had the intellectual capacity to form an opinion on this painting. But.. tragically, any brain cells I might have had are long gone through years of neglect and decay. [ pause ] Fifteen minutes to closing. [ exits back the way he entered ]

[ Art Critic continues to stare somewhat admiringly at the painting ]

Lunatic: [ enters from rear, looking around cautiously, stops in front of the painting ] You know, I don’t even know I’m in a museum right now. I don’t even know my name. I’m just excited I’m in a building that contains so many people. [ pulls down his pants ] Watch me pull down my pants and run past those kind folks praising over there, and scare them to death. Here goes nothing! [ runs back the way he entered ] Woo-hoo!! I’m naked, I’m naked!! Woo-hoo!!

[ Art Critic continues to stare at the painting, as the scene fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school we’d all go play in his cave,
and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If you ever go temporarily insane,
don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
Instead, try to get some weeding done,
because you’d really be surprised.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 8th, 1992

Susan Dey

C+C Music Factory

None

C+C Music Factory, “Gonna Make You Sweat”

L.A. Law

Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.

Susan Dey’s Monologue

Leevi’s 3 Legged Jeans

Fashion statement is no more ridiculous than acid wash.

(Repeat) See: 11/16/91.

Mike Tyson Trial

The Arakawa Group

Japanese version of “The McLaughlin Group”.

The Sensitive Naked Man

Recurring Characters: The Sensitive Naked Man.

C+C Music Factory performs “Here We Go Let’s Rock & Roll”

C+C Music Factory performs “Gonna Make You Sweat”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Cajunman.

The Patridge Family vs. The Brady Bunch

Recurring Characters: Jan Brady.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What to do while temporarily insane.

Semi-Verbal Points

Zoraida

Recurring Characters: Zoraida.

Janitor-Executive Irony

C+C Music Factory performs “A Deeper Love”

Art Museum

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Remembering Uncle Caveman.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 11

91k: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson

Comforting Tim

…..Tim Meadows
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Chevy Chase

Victoria Jackson: Chevy, it’s really great to have you back here.

Chevy Chase: Oh, thanks Gloria.

Victoria Jackson: Um, Victoria.

Chevy Chase: Whatever

Tim Meadows: [passes by sobbing] Oh great, thanks a lot.

Chevy Chase: What happened? Who was that?

Victoria Jackson: That’s Tim.

Chevy Chase: Well why’s he crying? Excuse me, Tim? Tim. [Finds Tim crying in dressing room] Tim what’s wrong?

Tim Meadows: Nothing, thanks though Mr. Chase.

Chevy Chase: Come on, sit back, relax. You know Tim, when you share something with another person, a bond is created. We both work on the show, and that’s now where the similarity ends. Come on what is it, your family?

Tim Meadows: [Shaking head] No, no.

Chevy Chase: Is it you? Are you sick?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Someone you know sick?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Did you make someone sick?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Health related:

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Hemorrhoids?

Tim Meadows: [shaking head] No.

Chevy Chase: Some type of discharge?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You can tell me, I mean it. Did you kill someone? I did, you can tell me.

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: it’s not hemorrhoids, you didn’t kill anyone. Are you gay? That’s ok, do you like me? You want to have sex with me?

Tim Meadows: No [shaking head repeatedly]

Chevy Chase: You’re sure?

Tim Meadows: Yes.

Chevy Chase: Not gay, not after me. Did you rape someone?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Were you raped? You wanna rape me?

Tim Meadows: NO.

Chevy Chase: You sure?

Tim Meadows: I’m sure.

Chevy Chase: Didn’t rape. Did an animal have sex with you?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You want to have sex with an animal?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You sure, cuz I will, I’ve done it before, it’s not a problem.

Tim Meadows: No, no I’m fine Mr. Chase, really, thank you though.

Chevy Chase: Now look Tim, I don’t know what can be wrong with you but I want you to know I respect your privacy and if you ever want to talk to me, you can. Can I tell you somethin? It’ll make you feel better.

Tim Meadows: Sure, sure.

Chevy Chase: This used to be my dressing room.

Tim Meadows: Really?

Chevy Chase: Yep.

Tim Meadows: Wow that’s great.

Chevy Chase: Anyway I remember one time I was depressed about my life and career. I came in here, sat down and just started makin up songs. Made me feel better. You wanna hear one?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You sure? I could play one.

Tim Meadows: No, no thanks though Mr. Chase, I think I get the point. You came in here, you made up songs, and that’s what brought you out of your depression, right?

Chevy Chase: [laughing] No no no, I was signed to a multi-picture deal and that’s what woke me up. I realized I’d never have to look at these walls again, that’s what basically brought me out of it.

Tim Meadows: Well what’s the point?

Chevy Chase: There really is no point Tim, no point at all, to anything. Don’t try to find an answer to life, ok? In the end, we all die anyway. It’s usually slow and painful. Feel better?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Well now go out there and do a good show.

Tim Meadows: I’m not in anything except for this.

Chevy Chase: Oh, well go get me a sandwich.

Tim Meadows: Sure, Mr. Chase. [walks out]

[Chevy starts playing guitar]

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters

Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Denise Swerski…..Beth Cahill

Announcer: Due to a lack of interest, the Superbowl will be pre-empted in the Chicago area. Please stay tuned for this far more entertaining fare, my friends.

Announcer #2: It’s time to test your knowledge against the best, with “Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters”! Now, here’s your host, Bob Swerski!

Bob Swerski: [ enters game set ] Good afternoon, folks, and welcome to “Quiz Masters”, live from Chicago, IL, home to a certain team, which, come January 1993, will clasp in its burly hands a certain Superbowl trophy, a team which is known as.. Da Bears!

Superfans: [ glasses raised ] Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Contestants, if you are ready, let’s look at today’s categories – we have: “Bears”, “Ditaka”, “Bulls”, “Famous Ditkas Through History”, “Ditka-tionary”, and “Grab Bag”. Okay, we flipped the coin backstage, and, Pat, you have control.

Pat Arnold: Let’s start with “Bears” for $100.

Bob Swerski: “Certain Superbowl winner 1993-1998.” [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?

Pat Arnold: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Da Bears is correct! Okay, try again!

Pat Arnold: Okay, I’ll try “Bears” for $200.

Bob Swerski: “Bears vs. Robert Fulton in inventing the steamboat.” [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?

Todd O’Conner: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Okay! Todd, you have control of the board!

Todd O’Conner: Let’s go with “Bears” for $300.

Bob Swerski: “In 1957, Eisenhower said he’d like a foreign policy like the defense of a certain team.” [ no one buzzes ] Sorry, gentlemen, the answer was.. Da Bears. Okay, okay, before we continue, let’s take a moment to meet our contestants.. [ walks up to them ] Todd? How ya doing..? [ light responses ] Okay, great! Let’s get back to the game! Todd, you still have control of the board!

Todd O’Conner: Okay.. let me have “Ditka” for $100.

Bob Swerski: “Ditka’s Styling Mousse”. [ Carl buzzes in ] Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Nexxus Pro Formula-7000.

Bob Swerski: Carl, you are on the board!

Carl Wollarski: Let’s go to “Bulls”, for $200.

Bob Swerski: For $200: “What if the Bulls were.. [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?

Todd O’Conner: Bulls, 142-61.

Bob Swerski: That is correct! I’ll finish the question, however: “What if the Bulls were playing Phoenix, and Jordan played the entire game in a La-Z-Boy recliner”, and the answer: Bulls 142, Phoneix, 61 – very good, Todd!

Todd O’Conner: Let’s go back to “Ditka, for $200, Bob.

Bob Swerski: Alright. For $200: “True or False. Ditka can affect the weather according to his mood”. [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?

Pat Arnold: True!

Bob Swerski: It is true. Okay, we got a good one going here right now. But for those of you who had some money on the game, let’s get a Superbowl update from my daughter, the lovely Denise.

Denise Swerski: [ offstage, standing next to a TV ] Both teams look like garbage, Dad. All’s I know is, Da Bears could be kicking some major butt right now!

Bob Swerski: Alright, isn’t she lovely? Thank you, Denise. Right now, let’s pause for this commercial.

[ fade to Todd, Pat, and Carl sitting at their favorite table at Ditka’s restaurant, and obviously reading off of cue cards ]

Carl Wollarski: Great to have you back from your heart attack.. Todd.

Todd O’Conner: Thanks.. The doc’s got me on a special.. low-fat diet. I’m a new man.

Pat Arnold: A special diet? But, Todd.. you got a full plate of Polish sausage.

Todd O’Conner: [ laughs ] No, I don’t, Pat.. this is a Polish sausage substitute..

Carl Wollarski: Dat’s right.. it’s called.. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage.

Pat Arnold: A polish sausage sub-stitute..? I could never eat dat..

Todd O’Conner: You’re eating it right now.. my friend..

Announcer: [ over product card ] I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage. From DitCo.

[ fade back to “Quiz Masters” ]

Bob Swerski: Alright, welcome back. Pat has control of the board. Pat?

Pat Arnold: Alright, let’s try “Grab Bag” for $100.

[ bells sound ]

Bob Swerski: Oh! Lightning Round! Okay, Pat, three questions, 10 seconds. Here we go: “Greatest Movie of all Time.”

Pat Arnold: Da Bear!

Bob Swerski: “Greatest 19th Century Novelist.”

Pat Arnold: Flaubert!

Bob Swerski: “Tastiest Cheese Available to Man.”

Pat Arnold: Camembert!

Bob Swerski: Good job, Pat! [ end of round sounds ] That means it’s time for the Final Quiz Masters! Todd, you are still in the lead, but this question is worth $500, so anyone can win. First, let’s hear what our second and third place winners will receive.

Announcer: Contestants will receive a gift certificate from Yuremovic’s sportsjackets and slacks – “Hey, that’s a sharp looking sportcoat!” And a custom Bear paint job, courtesy of Vincent Van Bear, on Lincoln – no more sloppy paint job, now it’s Vincent Van Bear. Back to you, Bob.

Bob Swerski: Alright, contestants, here we go. The Final Quiz Masters question is: “Bears vs. Bulls.” Write in your answers now, gentlemen. [ music plays ] “Da Bears vs. Da Bulls.” [ music ends ] Okay, that was a tough one. Let’s see what our contestants said. First, Pat.. [ Pat holds up card with Bulls and Bears scratched out various times ] Looks like Pat ran out of time.. sorry, buddy. [ moves to Carl ] Okay, Carl whattaya have here? [ Carl holds up illegible Bears-Bulls combo ] Eh.. what do you say, Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Well, what do you think it says?

Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] That’s a nice try, Carl! That’s okay, that’s good.. [ moves to Todd ] Alright, todd says: [ takes Todd’s card ] “The senseless waste of pitting these two mighty forces of nature against each other, like matter vs. anti-matter, will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved..” [ flips card over ] “..but for our planet. All nations must band together, to ensure that such a conflageration never takes place.” That is absolutely CORRECT!! Todd, you are da WINNER!! Todd, of course, now you win the grand prize – five minutes in the cheese-fry booth!

[ Todd is led into the booth ]

Here’s your bucket of cheese, Todd! Get on in there, we’re all proud of you, buddy! Five minutes in the cheese-fry booth. [ machine starts dropping cheese-fries onto Todd ] And there they go! [ Todd collects all the fries he can ]

Okay, the Superbowl’s still going on, so stay tuned for a special presentation of “The Blues Brothers”. Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 11

91k: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Chevy Chase!

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. Chevy salutes the audience, then feigns an exit to Home Base’s entrance door, only to return to Home Base. ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you!

[ Chevy waves and salutes the audience once more. ]

Chevy Chase: Wow!!!

[ The cheers and applause from the audience are even louder, much to Chevy’s amusement. Chevy displays his wristwatch to the audience and gives a “wrap it up” gesture. ]

Chevy Chase: God, I feel overwhelmed! This week has been so, uh… unbelievable. These kids are just… so, uh… mediocre, really!

[ Huge laugh from the audience. ]

Chevy Chase: No, I’m kidding! They’re better than that. Uh, boy — I can’t believe it’s been 17 years since we started this little show. Me & Dan. And, uh… John. Gilda, Garrett, Laraine… and that bitch, Jane!

[ Another huge laugh from the audience. ]

Chevy Chase: No, th-that’s not fair! You see, that’s the way I used to be! I used to use people just to get a laugh. I was very arrogant in those days. You know, I used to be kind of a wise ass.

[ Chevy glances to CAMERA RIGHT. ]

Chevy Chase: Can I say that?

[ Chevy gives a chuckle. ]

Chevy Chase: And I’ve had problems; I’ll admit it! But, I’ve put them all behind me. And I think what’s been so instrumental in changing me, and my life over the last several years is my family. I’m sure many of you know I have uh, uh… four wonderful kids: China, India, Michigan, Fred. No, that’s not true. I got three beautiful daughters: Cydney, Caley and Emily. “Hi, Girls! You shouldn’t be up. Go to sleep!” And, of course, my incredible, unflappable wife…

[ Chevy gives a long pause. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh… I want to say Jane. Jayni! That’s right, Jayni! Of course, I want to say it — that’s her name! Ah, my heart is so full tonight. I’ve been close to tears all week. And, uh… there’s so much I’d like to say. I don’t really know how to.

[ Chevy looks to The SNL Band. ]

Chevy Chase: Maybe I could get some help from the band?

[ Chevy turns to musical co-director Cheryl Hardwick. ]

Chevy Chase: Cheryl?

[ The band does not play but George Benson’s 1977 song “The Greatest Love of All” is cued. ]

Chevy Chase: [lip-syncing]
“I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be”

[ CAMERA cuts to SPLIT GRAPHIC ]

[ BOTH SIDE PROFILE & CLOSE-UP ]

Chevy Chase: [lip-syncing]
“I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me”

[ The song abruptly stops. ]

Chevy Chase: [Robbie Robertson’s voice] Robbie Robertson is here! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 11

91k: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson

Jeffrey Dahmer

Jeffrey Dahmer…..Chevy Chase
Attorney #1…..Phil Hartman
Attorney #2…..Kevin Nealon
Guard…..Chris Rock

“Milwaukee County Security Prison”

Attorney #1: We’re the court appointed attorney’s for Jeffrey Dahmer. [security guard opens door for both men]

Jeffrey Dahmer: Michael, Allen, thanks for coming.

Attorney #2: Jeffrey, what was it that you wanted to see us about?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Gentlemen, I think I found a way to convince the jury I’m insane.

Attorney #1: Is that really a concern Jeff? I think in that area we’re doing pretty well.

Attorney #2: Yes we’re confident the jury is going to find you insane.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Well that’s easy for you to say, it’s my ass they’re gonna fry.

Attorney #2: Well we just feel cannibalism together with a box of bones will prove that you were mentally ill at the time of-Jeffrey Dahmer: I’m glad you guys are so confident. I’m not so sure. Alright, let’s stay focused. Our problem is we’ve got 3 days to get that jury to believe I’m out of my mind.

Attorney #1: Jeff we’ve got a psychiatrist from Northeastern University in Boston who has agreed to testify.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Ok here’s my plan. I go in there money- on Monday, or money- looking really depressed like this. Then I start talking to myself im imaginary lingo, like DeNiro did in that sitcom, ‘Taxi’. [as he moves his head side to side] You talkin to me? You talkin to me? What’s the matter, You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Hey, who you talkin to, me? On the way back to the holding area, I let out a little bark and yell like this: Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough.

Attorney #2: Mr. Dahmer, if you will just take your seat please.

Attorney #1: Jeff if you’ll forgive me, I think you’ve been overthinking this. My best legal advice is that you go into that court room, relax, and just be yourself.

Attorney #2: If you’re found insane-

Jeffrey Dahmer: IF I’m found insane-

Attorney #2: You will be committed to a mental institution. After a year, you can petition for your release.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Um hmm. [starts eating his fingers, that are really plastic] Let me see if I understand where you’re going with this. You’re both pretty confident I’ll be found insane, is that correct?

[both attorneys become nautious]

Attorney #1: [yelling] Guard! Guard!

Jeffrey Dahmer: I spend a year in a nuthouse, then I can petition to leave. I mean it’s just that easy. No problem for me. [attorneys exit room]

Guard: Jeff what are we gonna have to do with you?

Jeffrey Dahmer: What do you mean?

Guard: By the way, that reporter from ‘A Current Affair’ is here to see you.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Today?

Guard: Yeah.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Well ok send him in.

[reporter walks in, signaling for the guard to come back in]

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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