SCHILLER VISIONS… WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM SCHILLER
Announcer: From Sweden: Schiller Visions. Tonight: “Hidden Camera Commercials, What are they hiding?”
[ show hidden camera video set in a restaurant at night – Man drinking what he thinks is caffeinated coffee ]
Offscreen Voice: Are you aware, Sir, that you are drinking Colombian decaffeinated coffee crystals?
Man: [ surprised ] Am I? Why, it’s delicious! It tastes like rich-bodied, regular coffee!
[ cut to Knorben Knussen ]
Knorben Knussen: It took 264 hidden camera customers before that reaction was obtained. I am Knorben Knussen, for Swedish Televison One, and tonight we are going to examine the American craze of hidden camera commercials. Particularly, what doesn’t make it to your home television set.
[ cut to the never-before-seen outtake, featuring the Switch Victim drinking what he assumes is caffeinated coffee ]
Watch this unused camera take.
Offscreen Voice: Sir, do you realize that you are not drinking regular coffee, but Colombian decaffeinated coffee crystals?
Switch Victim: [ confused ] Wha-at?
Offscreen Voice: I said, you are drinking Colombian decaf coffee crystals!
Switch Victim: [ the smile silently disappears from his face, as anger sets in ] Why.. you.. sonofabitch! You no-good.. damn.. sonofaBITCH!! [ throws his table to the floor, then seizes the waiter by the collar ] You LIED to me!! You told me this was REGULAR COFFEE!! [ punches the waiter in the face, as his wife tries to restrain him ] Shut your YAPPER!!
[ a Cook smashes a bottle over the Switch Victim’s head, but this doesn’t stop him. Instead, he begins to throw pies across the room, as the Cook smashes more bottles over his head. ]
I’ll GET YOU!! I’ll KILL someone!! I’ll KILL someone!!
[ he starts to throw plates and silverware to the floor, as the Cook sneaks up behind him and repeatedly bangs a pot over the Switch Victim’s head until he is finally subdued, his wife sobbing uncontrollably as the scene fades. ]
Knorben Knussen: Now, live from Shreveport, Louisiana, via international satellite hookup, the victim of that hidden camera commercial, Michael Huff.
[ Huff is shown on the adjacent screen with bandages wrapped around his head ]
Mr. Huff, how do feel about your experience on hidden camera?
Switch Victim: An-gryyy..
Knorben KnussenThank you. And thank you from Swedish Television. Good night!
Husband: [ sighs ] Well.. I had to invite somebody, and, uh.. I don’t think you’re gonna be very happy about it..
Wife: Oh, no.. Who?
Husband: Massive Headwound Harry.
Announcer: Welcome once again to “Massive Headwound Harry”. Tonight’s episode: “The Cocktail Party”.
[ doorbell rings – it’s Harry ]
Massive Headwound Harry: [ enters party, revealing a vicious, bloody gash on the side of his head ] Hey, great party! I’m sorry I’m late, I forgot where you lived!
Partygoer: [ turns and notices Harry’s headwound ] Oh, my Goddd!! [ spits his food out in horror ]
Wife: That’s okay, Harry..
Massive Headwound Harry: I feel dizzy.
Wife: Uh.. would you like to lay down? Maybe in the garage?
Massive Headwound Harry: No.. I just need some food to get my strength back.. I lost a lot of blood on the way over here. [ walks over to the hors-douvres table ]
Partygoer #2: [ not looking at Harry as he grabs shrimp ] Well, you’ve gotta try some of these shrimp, friend, they.. [ turns and notices Harry’s headwound, dropping his shrimp to the floor and screaming ] Good Lord!
Massive Headwound Harry: Oh, I’m sorry, let me help you with that.. [ bends down, dropping his head into the bowl of shrimp, sending Partygoer #2 running to the bathroom ] I’d better go see if he’s alright..
Wife: No, no, no! You stay here!
Massive Headwound Harry: Oh. No, yeah, I’m fine.. I’ve just gotta rest for a second.. [ sits on the couch ] You know, maybe I need to lie down.. [ curls up on the coach, rubbing his headwound across the arm of the couch, as all the guests scream in disgust ]
Wife: Why did you have to invite him?!
Husband: Sorry! He overheard me talking to Phil and Steve – what was I gonna do?!
[ the guests scream louder as the couple’s dog starts to lick and chew on Harry’s headwound ]
Massive Headwound Harry: Whoa, boy! Whoa! Easy, boy! Easy! [ the dog chews off a piece of the headwound ] He probably smells my dog!
[ disgusted, the roomful of guests quickly exit the apartment ]
Partygoer #3: [ with punch spilled across her blouse ] We really have to go! Ugh! Thanks for having us!
Wife: Yeah.. we understand..
Massive Headwound Harry: [ stands up ] I guess the party’s over, thanks for having me! [ grabs a hat from the hat rack and places it over his head ]
Husband: No, no! That’s not your hat!
Massive Headwound Harry: Oh. I’m sorry. [ removes the hat from his head ]
Husband: No, that’s alright. You keep it.
Massive Headwound Harry: Thanks!
Announcer: This has been “Massive Headwound Harry”. Next week’s episode: “Borrowing the Headphones”.
Jack Handey V/O: As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, Im Nealon, Kevin, and Im a recovering dyslexic.
Well in Madrid the Mideast peace talks got off to a bad start this week when one of the delegates refused to shell out the 4 dollars for the headphones.
And another problem developed when Palestinian delegates complained that the Israelis were occupying their seats. In response the Israeli delegates claimed the seats had always belonged to them. A game of musical chairs will be held to settle the dispute.
[picture of Bush and Arab] President Bush is seen here greeting a tricker treater and then pointing him in the direction of a house that gives out Zakorski attack helicopters.Israel will not accept land for peace but will accept land for some really good concert tickets.
President Bushs Kennebunkport neighbors complained to local police following an all night party in which George and Barbara trashed their house.
This week Louisiana gubernatoral candidate David Duke said that new poll results show him to be in the lead. To celebrate his supports held a fundraiser in New Orleans.
Researchers have theorized that young black men are best suited for long term space travel because of a genetic trait that gives them denser, stronger bones. It was later revealed that this theory was merely a hoax by white supremisis to encourage black men to leave the planet.
JCs in Memphis have apologized for an exhibit in their annual haunted house exhibit entitled Dead Elvis. The exhibit, featuring a toilet, half eaten jelly donuts and empty pizza boxes has been renamed the Palm Beach Kennedy compound.
And for Halloween Ted Kennedy wore pants and went as a commoner.
Donald Trumps mother was mugged for $14 this week. Police are looking for this suspect. [sketch of Donald Trump]
A 22,000 pound steel sculpture entitled Hammering Man was twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting it into the Seattle Art Museum this week. The sculpture will now be entitled “twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting a man.”
More mysterious carved patterns and symbols showed up in a Minnesota wheat field. Experts theorized that these markings are the work of an alien sports fan.
Air traffic controllers at Chicagos Ohare Airport reported hundreds on near mis-incidents recently, when anti-collision alarms on airlines malfunctioned. In an attempt to lessen these incidents, the FAA will require airliners to shorten their wings [picture of airplane with small wings].
An MIT study has concluded that more people die in crashes in planes with more passengers. For instance, in a plane carrying 220 people, 220 people would be killed. As opposed to a plane carrying 15 people where only 15 people would be killed.
A further study reveals your best chance of survival is to fly in an empty plane.
Mother nature has filed harassment charges against father time. She claims every 3 months or so he leaps on top of her while shes changing seasons that can happen.
27 people were injured this week after they were told to spring ahead and fall back.
Monoxidil, the hair growing drug sold under the name Rogaine is now being used as a mace substitute. You spray it in the face of the attacker, his eyebrows grow over his eyes, obstructing his vision. Unfortunately the FDA claims it must be used on the attacker religiously twice a day for 6 months in order to see any noticeable effects.
The restaurant Planet Hollywood has been opened in New York by co-owners Arnold Schwarteneggar and Sylvester Stallone. Appropriately the kitchen will specialize mussels, ham and large, slow speaking Italian vegetables.
Well I decided to read Katherine Hepburns #1 best seller Me this week and unfortunately its horrible. She knows nothing about me, totally off, nice try.
According to a recent survey, 70% of this pie chart is yellow while the remaining 30% is blue. [shows pie chart]
On a bright note the 40,000 stolen video cassette copies of Disneys Fantasia were recovered yesterday in Memphis. A Detroit based distributor was happy to have them back but said 15,000 of those tapes were not rewound.
Because of the success of Heraldo Riveras first book listing all the women he has slept with, he says he will write another. This time he says he will list all the women he has thought about while masturbating.
In an upcoming Vanity Fair issue Bette Midler said Heraldo drugged and molested her. Mr. Rivera called these accusations preposterous. True, but preposterous.After all the recent negative criticism, Dr. Kavorkians infamous suicide machine killed itself this week. In addition the suicide manual Final Exit jumped off the bookshelf and plunged to its death.
Stanford University hospital surgeons last week removed a 303 pound cyst from a 34 year old woman. The woman is doing fine and went home yesterday. The cyst is recovering and will go home sometime next week.
[picture of sexy Calvin Klein ad] This ad for Calvin Klein jeans has drawn much critical response from media watchers, consumer groups and concerned citizens. After reading all the mail, I promise I wont pose for another one.
Kevin Nealon: Im Kevin Nealon and thats news to me.
All Things Scottish
Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Dana Carvey
Rodney…..Tim Meadows
Customer #2…..Phil Hartman
Ronnie Rankin…..Keifer Sutherland
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson
[ Customer #1 enters All Things Scottish ]
Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?
Customer #1: Yeah, I’d like a poster of the guy who played Scotty on “Star Trek”, have you got that?
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. James Doogan, yeah, right there. [ grabs poster ] That’ll be $7.42, please. [ goes to register ] Ah, the machine doesn’t work, I’ll have to pay you back later..
Customer #1: Okay.. sure. [ exits ]
Stuart Rankin: Rodney!! Rodney!! Get out here, and bring some more Scotty posters, would ye?!
Rodney: [ enters from back room ] Man, Stuart, why don’t you chill, man?
Stuart Rankin: Oh.. I’ll chill you in a second! Alright, go and sort out those shortbreads, would ye? Alrighty. Rodney?
Rodney: What’s up, man?
Stuart Rankin: Ah, I have a question for ye – are you wearing underwear under that kilt?
Rodney: What? Yeah, of course I’m wearing underwear!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, no, no, no.. you shouldn’t wear underwear under that kilt. A real man doesn’t wear insurance.
Rodney: Yeah, well, a real man doesn’t wear a kilt.
Stuart Rankin: [ chuckling ] Ohhh-ho-ho, oh how very clever! But I don’t know why you’d say something like that, knowing that I might come after you with butchering tools! [ they raise their fists, as Customer #2 enters ] You’re lucky! [ returns to the counter ] Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?
Customer #2: Uh, yeah.. a friend of mine’s Scottish, and he’s getting married, so I gotta buy a kilt.
Stuart Rankin: Well, you’ve come to the right store.
Customer #2: Now, the kilts you have are 100% Scotch kilts, correct?
Stuart Rankin: Well, actually, that’s Scots kilt. Scotch is a drink; Scots are a people. But we’re both great-tasting!
Customer #2: [ smiles uncomfortably ] Alright.. now in Scotland, do men wear kilts all the time?
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye. It’s a very manly garb.
Customer #2: Yeah, but I like it, too! [ laughs ]
Stuart Rankin: Come again?
Customer #2: You know what I’m talking about – [ in funny voice ] ..cartoon stars, clovers!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye.. except, what you’re talking about is Irish.. and I am, in fact, Scottish. Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mr. No Can Tell The Difference Between Scotland And Ireland!! [ Customer #2 flees quickly ] I’ll be in the back!
[ Ronnie Rankin enters the store ]
Rodney: Hi. Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap! Can I help you?
Ronnie Rankin: Does a Mr. Stuart Rankin work here?
Rodney: Uh, yeah, he’s in the back. Who should I say is here?
Ronnie Rankin: Tell him it’s his brother Ronnie from Glasgow.
Rodney: Uh, Stuart, you’re brother’s here!
Stuart Rankin: [ steps out with arms crossed ] What are you wanting?
Ronnie Rankin: Oh, I came to say Sorry.
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, you’re sorry, are ye, after all these years?
Ronnie Rankin: Are you going to accept my apology, Stuart?
Stuart Rankin: Now, why should I accept the apology of a crazy bastard like YOU, you JERK?!!
[ they raise their fists ]
Ronnie Rankin: Well, just remember this crazy little bastard’s the only brother you’ve got!
Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you, you bastard!
Stuart Rankin: I love you, you bastard!
Ronnie Rankin: Come on, let’s have a drink!
Stuart Rankin: Come again?
Ronnie Rankin: Let’s break up a little whiskey, and have a drink.
Stuart Rankin: That’s it, I’ll KILL you!
Rodney: Come on, Stuart, come on, man, he’s your brother, he just wants to have a drink!
Stuart Rankin: Mind your own business, Rodney, you don’t know the whole story! Have a look at this! [ reveals scar across his back ]
Rodney: Oh, man.. that’s a nasty scar, what did he, cut you?
Stuart Rankin: No, it’s a surgery scar. I, uh, gave him one of my kidneys.
Rodney: And?
Stuart Rankin: And.. he drinks like a fish! He’s always piss-steaming drunk! He’s gonna ruin my kidney!
Ronnie Rankin: It’s my kidney now, you bastard!
[ they raise their fists again ]
Stuart Rankin: What if I take it back?!
Ronnie Rankin: What if I smash a brick in your face, you bloody little bugger?
Stuart Rankin: Rodney! Rodney, get my butchering tools, I’m gonna defloor him like a shag pile!
Ronnie Rankin: I hope you’ve got a thirsty mouth, laddie, because this is gonna be a mudbath!
Stuart Rankin: You’re a dead man!
Ronnie Rankin: That’s not a nice way to speak to your only.. brother.
Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, that’s not fair.. I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you so much, it hurts!!
Stuart Rankin: I love you! Just like the movie “Ghost”?. Alright.. perhaps you can have a wee taste of Scotch, it’s not gonna hurt my kidney too much.. [ pours some Scotch into two shot glasses ]
Ronnie Rankin: Well, give me a wee bit more Scotch than that..
Stuart Rankin: [ raises fist ] That’s it! That kidney is mine!
Ronnie Rankin: It’s not, you Indian giver, it’s my kidney, and I’ve been looking after it just fine, thank you!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, do you think I’m stupid? I bet by now my kidney’s so abused, it’s starting to look like Sputnik!
Ronnie Rankin: Shut your guff, you wee little girl!
Stuart Rankin: Oh, that’s it! One laser incision in the small of your back, and away we go, Mr. Kidney!
Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? I’ll kick you so hard in the groonies, you’ll be peeing out your mouth!
Stuart Rankin: Well, at least I’ve got groonies!
Ronnie Rankin: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I’ve got a brother!
Stuart Rankin: [ lowers fist ] Aw, no fair.. I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you!
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you!
[ Customer #2 enters ]
Welcome to All Things Scottish – if it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaapp!! Can I help ye?
Customer #3: Um.. do you have family tartans?
Stuart Rankin: Oh, aye, we do, yes. And, what’s your family’s name?
Customer #3: Grotowsky?
Stuart Rankin: Growtowsky? Oh, the Growtowsky tartan.. from the Voyeur Hojets klan of tartans, I suppose? Now, GET OUT!! GET OUT, Mrs. No Can Understand Her Own Ethnic Background!! GET OUT!! [ she runs out ]
Ronnie Rankin: I love you!
Stuart Rankin: I love you! Come on, let’s have a drink now!
[ fade out on Stuart and Ronnie finally having their drink together ]
Man…..Tom Davis Woman…..Siobhan Fallon Spokesman…..Mike Myers …..Ken Stabler Wife…..Victoria Jackson Husband…..Chris Farley
[ open on a Man and Woman sitting at a bar smoking ]
Man: I thought you quit smoking? You were gonna be my inspiration.
Woman: Not anymore. Now I can smoke as much as I like, now that I’ve got the Lung Brush.
Man: Lung Brush?
Spokesman: [ steps in, holding up the product ] That’s right – Lung Brush! Created by a small inventor in California, who himself enjoyed smoking, Lung Brush is the easy, inexpensive alternative to quitting or cutting down.
Here’s how it works: [ Husband demonstrates ] Taking control of the easy-grip handle, slide the gentle bristle device past the trachea opening, back down the windpipe, and into the lung itself. The unique Lung Brush design allows you to remove caked-on tar, smoke particles, even city smog phlegm, freeing up clogged bronchial passages so vital for breathing and smoking. And Lung Brush’s sturdy design makes cleaning and maintenance a snap! One Lung Brush may be the only Lung Brush you’ll ever need.
Announcer: Here’s football great, Kenny Stabler.
Ken Stabler: I threw my light and low-tar cigarettes away. Now, back to my favorite brand again. Thanks, Lung Brush!
Wife: Time to come to bed, dear.
Husband: [ coughs ]
Wife: Don’t forget to brush.
Husband: Lung Brush, that is! [ smiles ]
Spokesman: So, get into the Lung Brush habit today, and smoke to your heart’s content. Lung Brush is available wherever quality tobacco products are sold.
Jack Handey V/O: We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Campaign ’92: The Race To Avoid Being The Guy Who Loses To Bush
Moderator…..Julia Sweeney Sen. Bill Bradley…..Kevin Nealon Congressman Dick Gephardt…..Dana Carvey Sen. Lloyd Bentsen…..Keifer Sutherland Tipper Gore…..Victoria Jackson Gov. Mario Cuomo…..Phil Hartman
Moderator: Good evening. I’m Fay Sullivan, of the League of Women Voters. Welcome to this, the first in a series of debates among the five leading Democrats who are trying to avoid being forced by their party into a hopeless race against President George Bush. Most of them have already announced that they’re not interested in the nomination. But each, of course, is under enormous pressure to be the “chump” who will take on the futile task of running against this very, very popular incumbent. They are.. Sen. Bill Bradley of New Jersey..
Sen. Bill Bradley: I am not a candidate for President in 1992.
Moderator: House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt of Missouri..
Congressman Dick Gephardt: I do not seek my party’s nomination.
Moderator: Sen. Lloyd Bentsen of Texas..
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: I do not wish to be my party’s nominee in the next election.
Moderator: Here for her husband, Sen. Al Gore of Tennessee, Tipper Gore..
Tipper Gore: He’s not interested.
Moderator: And Gov. Mario Cuomo, of New York.
Gov. Mario Cuomo: No way!
Moderator: Gov. Cuomo, let’s begin with you. In a way, one might say there’s no reason for any of you to be forced into this race. After all, there are already several announced candidates for the Democratic nomination – Sen. Kerrey, Sen. Harkin, fomer Gov. Brown, and so on. Why is your party beggin you, or any of you, to enter the race?
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Fay, I don’t know. But I’ll tell you something – if the Democratic Party were to make me its candidate in 1992, it would go down as its worse defeat in history.
Sen. Bill Bradley: Oh, come on, Mario! You’re probably the best candidate we’ve got!
Everyone: Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo!
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Please, please! Bill! Now, I resent the implication that I’m the strongest candidate here. Let’s be frank – you’re far better than any of us, or have you forgotten your brilliant play as you led the New York Knicks to victory in the 1973 NBA Finals?
Everyone: Bradley! Bradley! Bradley! Bradley!
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Now, Bill, you could show me polls that have me losing to Bush by 7 points, and I can show you polls that have me losing to Bush by 40 points – that’s not the issue! The issue is my record. After eight years of my mismanagement as governor, the economy of New York State is in a shambles! Now, I don’t think anyone here can point to a record like that.
Congressman Dick Gephardt: Now, wait a minute..
Moderator: Congressman Gephardt?
Everyone: Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt!
Congressman Dick Gephardt: Well, hold on! Now, if you wanna talk about shambles, let’s talk about the U.S. House of Representatives, of which I am the Majority Leader. You know, the real enemy facing this country isn’t the Soviets, it isn’t the Japanese – it’s people like me! And the American people know it. The fact is, I couldn’t beat David Duke in Harlem! What this party needs is someone with the vision, the integrity, and the guts of an Al Gore.
Everyone: Gore! Gore! Gore! Gore!
Tipper Gore: That isn’t fair! My husband isn’t here tonight to answer to that kind of smear!
Congressman Dick Gephardt: Then, I have to ask you, if your husband doesn’t think he should be this party’s nominee, why didn’t he bother to show up here tonight?
Tipper Gore: My husband is with our kids at a gay porno theater.
Everyone: Oh, come on! Come on!
Moderator: Gentlemen, please! Sen. Bentsen, we haven’t heard from you yet.
Everyone: Bentsen! Bentsen! Bentsen! Bentsen!
Moderator: Please.. please.. Senator, tell us why Lloyd Bentsen should not be President.
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: Oh, Fay, there are so many reasons. But, ultimately, it comes down to one – this election is about ideas. And the fact is, I have none. Nothing, covers empty, nada, not a one! You know, I remind myself of that commercial, “Where’s The Beef?” And that’s the problem with Lloyd Bentsen – where’s the beef?
Sen. Bill Bradley: Uh, may I?
Moderator: Sen. Bradley?
Sen. Bill Bradley: What about me? If Lloyd wants to talk about lack of substance, I say what about me? I’m an ex-jock. End of story. The fact is, Lloyd is one of the finest minds in the Senate! In fact, he reminds many of us of another great democrat – John F. Kennedy.
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: Sen Bradley, I knew Jack Kennedy.. I worked with Jack Kennedy.. I am no Jack Kennedy.
Sen. Bill Bradley: Senator, that was uncalled for.
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: The fact is, when most people hear the name Lloyd Bentsen, they don’t think of Jack Kennedy; they think of two other fellows – Michael Dukakis and Willie Horton.
Tipper Gore: Lloyd, that is shameless!
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Sen. Bentsen, I resent the suggestion that you are somehow more the candidate of Willie Horton than anyone else here! The fact is, as governor of New York, I have pardoned criminals far worse than Willie Horton! Including key figures in organized crime, who happen top be close friends of mine! Yes! I’m talking about the mob!
Moderator: Well.. gentlemen, Mrs. Gore.. we’ve reached the end of our alotted time. Each of you is now allowed a brief closing statement. Let’s begin with Tipper Gore.
Tipper Gore: Thank you, Fay. I’m a mother of three children, and, like any mother, I want the best possible future for my kids.When I think of a future with my husband as President, frankly, I’m scared. Thank you.
Moderator: Congressman Gephardt?
Congressman Dick Gephardt: There’s a feeling abroad in this land. You can sense it from the textile workers in South Carolina, from machinists in Detroit, and ranchers in Wyoming. The feeling that Dick Gephardt repreents everything that’s wrong with this country. You don’t want me as your president, and neither do I. I want to remain in Congress. After all, that’s where the money is – your money. Thank you.
Moderator: Sen. Bradley?
Sen. Bill Bradley: Well, there are people that will tell you that I can beat George Bush. Why? Because I’m a sports celebrity. But I think you, the American people, are smarter than that. You want a leader you can defend against terrorism, not jump shots; who can make a foreign policy, not an inbound pass; a leader who can run an economy, not a three-man weave. If America ever needs a man in a low post.. perhaps I’m the guy.. but, when it comes to our nation’s highest post, I just don’t cut it. Thank you.
Moderator: And now, Sen. Bentsen.
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: I’m old.. and I’m only gonna be getting older. Older and more confused. Hell, I can’t tell you all the names of the people that are standing right here. One thing I can tell you, is that George Bush would beat the living bejebus out of me. He’s done it before, just ask a couple friends of mine – Michael Dukakis and Willie Horton.
Moderator: And, finally, Gov. Cuomo.
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Fay. Tonight, we’ve heard a lot about images of perception, about what poll shows what candidate losing by the least to whom at any given time.. Now, I could stand here and talk about the inaccuracy of polling, or the subjective nature of the process – but that’s not the real issue here! The real issue is simple – I.. have.. mob ties!
Moderator: Well, that brings to a close, the first in a series of Democratic Presidential debates. Thank you, all of you, for your participation here tonight. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind our viewers at home that democracy works only when you vote. When you don’t take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive. Good night.
Air Date:
Mariah Carey, “Can’t Let Go”
