Onski…..Chris Rock B- Fats…..Chris Farley Man on phone…..Tim Meadows
Don Pardo: Live from the Marcy Projects, its Im Chillin.
[Rock and Farley dance in to rap theme music]
Onski: Yo yo yo whats up? Welcome to Im Chillin, the showsy showsy showsy with they hosy hosy hosy. Now Im your host, Onski, to the highest degree, to the T. O. P., yo its all about me. And sittin by my side, my main man, my ace in the hole, my New Jersey toll, my Ester roll, my ten foot pole, my Billy Joel, my Nat King Coe, my Dead Dea Scroll, my Dr. Scholl, my helmet cole, my grassy knoll, my kid Creole, my la ka scha fole- its B- Fats. Yo B tell em how you feel.
B-Fats: Yo I just came from taxin a ho. Now everything is mop and glow.
Onski: Yo I hear that man. Now before I start the shizzo- I say before I start the show, I wanna say whats up to our new sponsor. Thats right. I wanna say whats up to 168th street spring water. The only spring water, I say the only spring water that comes directly from a fire hydrant. [Rock and Farley sip the water bottles]
B-Fats: Yo Onski I heard u think Sinbad is all that and a bag of chips.
Onski: Yo I think Sinbad is a genius man. I used to think he was soft right? Then he did that joke he does, about what part of the chicken does the chicken McNugget come from. I said damn he funny man. Hes talkin about real life man.
B-Fats: Yo hes funnier that Richard Prior.
Onski: Yo man I aint sayin all that now. Yo its about that time.
B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?
Onski: Naw B.
B-Fats: Time to suck a lime?
Onski: Naw B. Its time for the mother joke of the day. Thats right. Todays mother joke was sent to us from Kelly B. of Gilmore Projects. The only project with its own mall right, and it goes a little somethin like this. Your mothers so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo Don Pardo tell em what she wins.
Don Psrdo: You win child support. Thats right 3 weeks of child support. [Screen shows check that says here bitch! From babys father]
Onski: Yo Don tell em what else she gonna win.
Don Pardo: You get a call from your babys father. Thats right we tracked him down. Youll hear his voice for the first time in a year. Youll hear him say things like:
Man [on phone]: Yo whats up? You got that check?
Don Pardo: Hear him show genuine concern about the child.
Man [on phone]: I still dont think its mine.
Don Pardo: Hear him try to rekindle that old romance.
Man [on phone]: Still got that big ass?
Don Pardo: And if you dont like that you can get the bullsac.
Onski: Yo yo yo Kelly Kelly, you got that big ass check and you got that big ass. Yo baby I wanna know one thing- how can I get down? Now right now were gonna watch a new video from Lady B called yes but Im a good ho. [Beeper goes off] Yo yo thats my beeper yo yo. We gotta check out till next week, cuz right now I gotta go pick up my babys mother. Its her birthday, were gonna have a special night. Were gonna have a little candlelight dinner down at Kentucky Fried Chicken you know, drink some champagne. Gonna go home and watch Homie the Clown.
B-Fats: Yo remember always wipe and stay off the pipe.
Onski: And if a sucker gets ill, tell them Im chillin.
Don Pardo: Welcome again to Whos Ass Should I Kiss. With your host, Dale Robbins.
Host: Thank you and welcome. As always on Whos Ass Should I Kiss, 2 contestants from the same company will go head to head to figure out which one of these 3 persons is in fact a very important executive in their firm and who in turn could really help their career. The other 2 are imposters. Lets watch our contestants try to climb the corporate ladder by asking themselves Whos Ass Should I Kiss?. But first lets meet our contestants: Jeffrey Hensen and Larry Turner. Jeffrey and Larry are both low level grunts who make cold calls for the investment firm Shearse and Layman.
Jeffrey: I just want to say Dale before we start that this is by far the greatest game show today, and you are my favorite game show host.
Larry: Yes I agree. This show is important to me. Its always been there to give me a lift when Ive needed it.
Jeffrey: Dale ive been a fan of yours since back in the 70s Devils Deal the way you make everybody feel so welcome
Larry: Yes I agree this show is like a family to me.
Host: Ok Ok I think you guys are ready to play. It should be quite a contest. But you better focus your ass kissing in that direction. [points to execs]
Larry: I hear ya amigo.
Host: Jeffrey lets begin with you.
Jeffrey: Executive #1, we work in the same building. Which building is that? And by the way thats a very nice suit you have on- is it an Armani?
Exec. #1: we work in the World Trade Center, and yes, thank you, it is an Armani.
Larry: Yes I agree, wonderful suit, excellent choice.
Host: Larry its not your turn.
Larry: Well said.
Host: Jeffrey you have 5 points, nice job.
Larry: Yes I agree, nice job. [buzzer sound]
Host: Larry! Thats minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.
Larry: I deserve it.
Host: Jeff please continue.
Jeffrey: Itll be my pleasure. Executive #2, not everybody has the drive to succeed that you so obviously have. Can you give some advice to those of us who are not as gifted.
Exec. #2: Well thank you very much. I say if you want to succeed you work hard, play hard and keep your mouth shut.
Host: Jeffrey another 5 points, excellent ass kissing.
Jeffrey: youre not so bad yourself Dale.
Host: Well thank you. Alright Larry its your turn.
Larry: Executive #2, Im almost inclined to think youre way to young and handsome to be an executive. Surely you must be a movie star or something.
Exec #2: So you think Im too young to be an executive? Is that what youre saying?
Larry: No, I, I-[buzzer]
Host: oooooh. Thats another minus 5 points for insulting executive #2.
Larry: I would like to take this time to formally apologize to executive #2 for even suggesting-
Host: Larry stop your ass kissing. Its not your turn. Jeffrey back to you.
Jeffrey: executive #3. forgive me but I cant help myself. Are you wearing the perfume Shalamar?
Exec #3: why yes.
Jeffrey: doesnt it take a special kind of woman to carry that off?
Exec #3: youre right. [ringing]
Host: Jeffrey youre on a roll. Excellent work there Jeffrey. Larry youre falling behind a little bit.
Larry: Executive #1, so many less talented people surround themselves with yes men. Yet youve chosen people who challenge you and raise standards. [buzzer sound]
Host: Ah thats what I thought. Thats not a question, thats just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.
Larry: Im not ashamed, Id do it again.
Host: Alright Jeffrey your turn.
Jeffrey: Executive #1, do you find that your legendary sexual prowess enhances your work, or that your work enhances your legendary sexual prowess?
Exec #1: Well I have to admit I get my fair share.
Host: Hehehe alright. Hey hey whats this?
Delivery Man: I have a dozen roses to be delivered to Executive #3.
Exec #3: Oh theyre perfect.
Jeffrey: It was me that got them for you, think nothing of it. It was the least I could do.
Exec #3: Oh Jeffrey youre so thoughtful.
Host: [ringing sound] 25 bonus points!!
Larry: Yes very thoughtful.
Host: Whats that Larry?
Larry: I didnt say anything.
Host: Alright. Jeffrey its still your turn.
Jeffrey: Executive #2 youre very tan and your skin is so youthful while others around you have given in to stress with such a demanding schedule. How have you managed to stop your aging process?
Exec #2: Just good genes I guess.
Host: [ring] Very good. Larry, your turn.
Larry: Executive #1, youre obviously a very generous and talented man. What sexual favor would you like? [off beat buzzer sound]
Host: Oooh. Im afraid weve run out of time Larry. And you have no points. Im afraid you wont be around to play final ass kissing.
Larry: I just want to say its been a great experience, one that Ill always treasure. When I look back-
Host: Oh shut up. [Larry heads out of room] Don Pardo tell Jeffrey what hell be playing for.
Don Pardo: Dale may I say youve handled tonights show masterfully.
Host: [gives kissing gesture]
Don Pardo: Jeffrey youll be playing for a ten thousand dollar a year raise, a life time membership to the companys exercise room and spa and your own name stenciled parking space in the company garage. Back to you Dale.
Host: Ok youre the best Don Pardo.
Don Pardo: No you are!
Host: Its final ass kissing time Jeff, whos it going to be?
Jeffrey: Well Dale its a difficult choice, theyre all so good. While executive #2 is a very talented executive who Im sure is not going to let anything stop him from getting to the top of the ladder, and Executive #3 while shes a very attractive woman who has managed to succeed in a viciously male dominated environment yet has retained all of her femininity, Ive decided to kiss executive #1s ass because, well Ive seen him in the elevator a couple times.
…..Christian Slater Rob Lowe…..Victoria Jackson Emilio Estevez…..Rob Schneider Charlie Sheen…..Mike Myers David Spade…..Matthew Broderick Dana Carvey…..Keanu Reeves
Christian Slater: Ah, welcome to Young Actors Forum, a weekly dialogue for young performers in the industry. Im Christian Slater, and joining me tonight are Keanu Reeves, Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, Matthew Broderick and Rob Lowe. Ok Charlie lets start with you. Now you did some nice work in Hot Shots. Now youre doing a job with Milos Forman, sounds pretty intense.
Charlie Sheen: Yea I think its gonna be really special. Its called Firefly. I play this fugitive cop who has to make a choice, yea its pretty real. I get to work with some great people: Gene Hackman, Molly Ringwald-
Keanu Reeves: Did her.
Christian Slater: Did er.
Emilio Estevez: Did er.
Rob Lowe: Did er.
Matthew Broderick: Had er.
Charlie Sheen: Did her. And you know uh, when you work with people like that you gotta turn it up a notch.
Christian Slater: Sounds cool. Now Keanu, I know youve worked with Milos recently.
Keanu Reeves: Yea it was really liberating. Hes the kind of director who goes right up to the line u know, and then he goes a little over that line. And there was this one time I was doing this really intense scene with Daryl Hannah-
Emilio Estevez: Did er.
Charlie Sheen: Had er.
Matthew Broderick: Had er.
Rob Lowe: Been there.
Christian Slater: Had some.
Keanu Reeves: Got some of that. What Milos lets us do is you get to call your own cut. So you let the camera roll till you feel right about the scene.
Christian Slater: Thats great. Daryl is a real perfectionist. Shes also got that innocent quality, a lot like uh, Ally Sheedy-
Matthew Broderick: Had er.
Rob Lowe: I had that.
Keanu Reeves: Been there.
Charlie Sheen: [pointing to Estevez] We doubled her.
Christian Slater: Begged her [coughs]. Now Matthew, I hear youre working your chops in New York now.
Matthew Broderick: Yea you know every once in a while I like to go back into theater. Making a role fresh every night is a real challenge. Im even studying acting again, Im taking some classes with Duda Hoggins.
Emilio Estevez: Did er.
Charlie Sheen: Had it.
Rob Lowe: Made er.
Christian Slater: Did it twice.
Keanu Reeves: Got it.
Matthew Broderick: Nailed it shut. Cuz you gotta keep relearning your lines. It all comes back to you if you want it to.
Christian Slater: Well Rob we havent heard from you. Youre actually doing some TV now.
Rob Lowe: Yea Im doing a TV movie directed by Alan Alda.
Christian Slater: Is he cool?
Rob Lowe: Oh yea hes a great man. I met him once at a fundraiser and we totally hit it off. Its pretty cool cuz we dont just talk about acting. I mean like Ill come over and just hang with him and his wife-
Matthew Broderick: Yea been there.
Rob Lowe: Seen it.
Charlie Sheen: Double duty. [high fives Estevez]
Keanu Reeves: Did er.
Christian Slater: Doin er.
Matthew Broderick: Oh you are?
Rob Lowe: Yea Alans really down to Earth.
Keanu Reeves: Yea you know actors who direct are so much more generous cuz theyve been there you know? I mean Gus Van Sam was really cool but right now you know Im working with Penny Marshall.
Emilio Estevez: Been.
Christian Slater: Seen.
Rob Lowe: Had.
Charlie Sheen: Done.
Keanu Reeves: Been. I mean uh, if you have a suggestion shell take it your way, which as an actor is really cool.
Charlie Sheen: I know what youre sayin man. When I did The Rookie I got that kinda vibe from uh Clint Eastwood.
Emilio Estevez: Did im. Sorry I have the hiccups.
Christian Slater: OK, thanks for watching Young Actors Forum. Next week my guest will be Amy McCarthy.
Rob Lowe: Excuse me Amy?
Christian Slater: Yea shes a new actress Barry Levinson found, shes in his next movie. Amy McCarthy.
[All rush off stage, then come back not realizing they should still be on stage]
Wolfman…..Christian Slater Kevin Nealon…..Policeman #1 Phil Hartman…..Policeman #2
[Scary music plays, Wolfman staring out the window]
Wolfman: Oh no, the moon is full. That means that soon Ill be changing. Changing from a normal person into a warewolf. [Looks in bathroom mirror] Oh I can feel it. Oh no, Im starting to change already. Oh I cant bare to look. [Tumbles on the ground off camera] Oh why me, why me? Oh, oh oh. [Gets up to mirror with hair on face] Its happening, look at me, Im changing into a warewolf. [Back off camera] Im still changing, on I can feel it. [back on camera] Yes Ive changed even more. Im turning into a viscious wolf, oh I cant take it. [Off camera] Im afraid when I look up again my eyebrows will be thicker, because it feels like theyre growing and becoming more wolflike. [Back on camera, hair on forehead] Oh no its happened, and now what else will happen? [off camera] It feels like, oh God can it be true? My nose is changing from a normal human nose into a wolfs nose. Yes it is, its changing, I can feel it change from a normal nose to a wolf nose. [Back on camera wearing plastic nose] Oh no I was right, a wolf nose. Please God just dont let my teeth change. [off camera] Oh, ah, ah. [on camera with fake teeth] Oh too late, the wolf teeth- its hard to talk with wolf teeth. [off camera] Good theyve changed back, now I feel like my body is changing. Oh, oh, oh my Lord, what is this strange feeling I have all over my body? As if it was changing, and I was powerless to stop it. [on camera in wolf suit] Oh Lordy, just what I was afraid of! Now Ive totally changed into a wolf, and oh no- [off camera] oh, oh [on camera] My teeth are back to wolf teeth.
[Wolfman wanders in room, 2 policemen charge in, shoot Wolfman repeatedly, Wolfman falls to ground, spooky music plays]
Policeman #1: What was that thing?
Policeman #2: It was some sort of wolf man.
Policeman #1: Look his face is changing from a wolf back to a human!
Policeman #2: Youre right! Look at it change.
Policeman #1: And now hes totally gone back to his regular face.
[Camera shows Wolfman fling out his fake teeth while on ground]
Policeman #2: His face has changed back but now I wonder if his body will change too.
Policeman #1: Yes look, his body is changing back as well, its going back to the way it was, slowly but surely. [wolf fur gets thrown at Policeman #1]
Policeman #2: Somehow he even has gotten his old clothes back on too. [pleasant music plays]
Policeman #1: Looks so sweet now. Its hard to believe that just a minute ago he was a hideous monster.
Policeman #2: Yes its hard to believe, but I guess thats why they call it The Curse of the Wolfman
Customer #1: So this place has the best wings in all of Buffalo huh?
Customer #2: Yea thats what they say.
Customer #1: Im hungry.
Waiter: Hey you guys ready?
Customer #2: Yea Im ready- you ready honey?
Customer #1: Yep Ill have half a dozen wings.
Waiter: Alright, and what kind of sauce do you want on that? Weve got the mild, medium, medium hot, hot, super fire hot.
Customer #1: Ill have the mild.
Waiter: And you?
Customer #2: Ill have a dozen wings and Ill take the super fire hot sauce.
Waiter: The super fire hot? Theyre really hot.
Customer #2: Ill give it a try.
Waiter: I mean theyre really really hot.
Customer #2: I hear ya but let me give it a shot, alright?
Waiter: I just want you to understand that its an incredibly hot sauce.
Waitress: Is there a problem?
Customer #2: Uh no, I just ordered the super fire hot wings.
Waitress: Have you had them before sir? Because theyre really really hot.
Waiter: Thats what Ive been trying to explain to him.
Customer #2: Look I appreciate your concern but I really want the super fire hot sauce. Its ok, really.
Waiter: Uh, well be right back.
Customer #1: That sauce must be really hot.
Customer #2: I guess so. How about the Braves huh?
Customer #1: [chuckles]
Manager: Hi Im Ron Julian the manager, how you doin?
Customer #2: Good.
Manager: Good. I understand youre interested in ordering the super fire hot wings.
Customer #2: Yes I am.
Manager: May I have a seat?
Customer #2: Sure.
Manager: I think you should realize these wings are really hot.
Customer #2: I know.
Manager: I mean theyre really really hot.
Customer #2: Well thats what Ive been told. Thats what the waiter there just told me.
Manager: Hes a good man.
Customer #2: Im sure he is.
Manager: Can I possibly talk you into ordering the medium hot wings? I think youll find them pretty tasty and still pretty hot.
Customer #1: You know honey, maybe you should just get the medium hot wings.
Customer #2: No no no no! Look, like I told the other guy, I appreciate your concern, but Im gonna stick with my original order.
Manager: The super fire hot wings?
Customer #2: Yes, so if someone could please go get those for me, that would be great.
Manager: [looks at waiter] Alrighty Steve. Look why dont you let me give you the mild hot wings, and afterwards if you really feel that you want the super fire hot wings, I wont stand in your way.
Customer #2: No!
Manager: Fair enough.
Waiter: [places wings on table] Enjoy your wings.
Customer #2: [tastes wing] Well jeez, not that bad. I dont know why theyre makin such a big deal out of it.
Manager: How are the wings?
Customer #2: Theyre good, Im kinda surprised though, theyre not as hot as I thought theyd be.
Manager: Still theyre pretty hot though huh?
Customer #2: Just I was expecting something really hot.
Manager: Well to be honest, I took the liberty of ordering you the medium hot wings. Now tell me, dont you find them more than spicy enough?
Customer #2: What?
Waitress: Heres your coleslaw.
Manager: Itll take the edge off the medium hot sauce.
Customer #2: I didnt order any coleslaw and I didnt order the medium hot wings. I ordered the super fire hot wings!
Manager: Sorry my apology. Kerry, would you bring the gentleman the super fire hot wings. Im sorry I was just lookin out for you honestly. Its important for me to know you really want the super fire hot wings, and now that I know I feel better about the whole thing.
Waitress: Here they are.
Customer #2: Thank you. [tastes wing, angered]
Manager: OK Im sorry youre right, I gave you the medium hot wings again. Im really sorry.
Customer #2: What the hell is going on here?
Manager: Please dont be angry with me. Steven, would you bring the release forms please?
Waiter: [pointing on paper] Sign here, and here.
Customer #2: What is this huh? Just tell me where the super fire hot wings are and Ill go get them myself.
Manager: Alright alright you win. Here they are.
Customer #2: [looks left, then right; screen freezes with scrolling message narrated by Phil Hartman, and surrendering music playing]
Message: As Scott Hanson bit into the chicken wing, his head turned a bright beet red and large amounts of smoke began to billow from his ears. Within seconds his eyes had become slot machine tumblers which spun around until both landed on the symbol for chili peppers. Next, bolting up from his chair and shouting woo-woo, Scott chugged around the room like a locomotive finally shooting through the root of Rons Wings N Things and exploding high over the Buffalo night sky. In an ironic footnote to the story, the chicken wing Scott had was only a hot wing and not the super fire hot wing he had ordered.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a compulsive gambler.
Speaking at Harvard yesterday, Ted Kennedy acknowledged his faults and promised to clean up his act, admitting that most of his faults involve women and alcohol. The senator promised that he would make all of his women cut down on their alcohol.
[ Headline reads: “Quayle sharpening his tongue for role as Bush’s defender” ] Doctors had to put twenty stitches in Vice-President Dan Quayle’s tongue this week, after Secret Service bodyguards pulled it out of a White House pencil sharpener.
Fromer Klansman and White Supremacist David Duke seems pretty confident he’ll be Louisiana’s next Governor. Outside a theater in New Orleans, Duke was noticably disappointed after viewing “Boyz ‘N The Hood”. Said Duke, “I was expecting something else.”
Kevin Nealon: I thought I’d take a moment for a brief editorial on the devestating conditions the Soviet economy is now undergoing. [ turns to give editorial ] The Soviet economy is now undergoing some devestating conditions.
According to a recent survey, people with blonde hair are still having more fun.
Three women, fearing another Anita Hill experience, this week backed out of a Senate subcomitee hearing. They could have walked out forward, but they didn’t even trust the senators.
Kevin Nealon: Here now, with her own unique opinion on the Clarence Thomas situation, is SNL’s #1 soul sister, Queen Shenequa. Queen?
Queen Sheniqua: Thank you, Kevin! This is Queen Sheniqua for “Update” – I’m mad about Clarence Thomas being comfirmed to the Supreme Court. The sexual harassment, that bothered me. But you know what bothered me more? He was sitting up there with that white woman, you see that? Where’s the Klan when you need them? Didn’t they start the Klan to prevent things like that? Disproportionately, successful black men marry white women – what’s up with that? Kevin’s doing very well – he’s doing “Update” now, he’s pretty successful, you don’t see him pushing up next to Queen Shenequa, do you? Do you?
Kevin Nealon: [ shaking head ] No.. no..
Queen Sheniqua: But if Chris Rock was sitting in that anchor chair, he’d be all up in Victoria Jackson’s face, like white on rice! Or black on rice, as the case may be, right, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Well, I’m not so sure I follow..
Queen Sheniqua: Well, follow this – you know what it is? It’s the press that black women get! For years, the only black women you saw in movies were turning tricks as hookers, a negative image. But as soon as Julia Roberts played a prostitute, she became “Pretty Woman”! Critics caled her a “modern day Cinderella”. She was a whore! Julia Roberts was a ho! Now, America can’t get enough of prostitution! Now, there’s a lot of movies – “La Femme Nikita”, “The Last Prostitute”.. now they got one called “Whore”! I got it! We need a movie to get our men back! How about, instead of “Boyz ‘N The Hood”, we could have a movie called “Man In My House”. Instead of “New Jack City”, “Man In My House”. “Jungle Fever”? “Man In My House”! Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Queen Shenequa.
Well, someone is in for a lot of money tonight, when Florida draws the winning $94 million lottery ticket. Lottery officials say the odds of winning are 14,000,000:1. And, in a related story, Jerry Brown is running for President.
Imelda Marcos is planning a return trip to the Phillipines this month, with the body of her deceased husband Ferdinand Marcos. Phillipine Airlines says there will not be a problem, as long as the former President can fit under the seat or in the overhead bin.
Well, Native American Indians are protesting the Atlanta Braves’ Tomahawk Chops, saying it mocks Native American culture. The Minnesota Twins are getting their share of criticism as well, as sets of twins from all over the midwest converged on the area to protest being exploited. And it seems that the Twins’ homer-hankie waves are offensive to the Iraqis, who claim it mocks their Gulf War surrender.
Well, this just in. We have a score on tonight’s fifth game of the World Series – it’s 8 to 5.
A young man who mistook his mother for a deer shot her in the family’s backyard this week. The mistake wasn’t discovered until her head was mounted on the living room wall.
Kevin Nealon: And now, here with a report on how to stretch your Halloween dollar, is “Weekend Update” correspondent, Adam Sandler. Adam?
Adam Sandler: Halloween is coming, and it’s always loads of fun! But we have to remember – we’re living in a recession, and money is tight. So don’t go bugging your parents for these new, overpriced costumes. They’re such a ripoff! If you want an original, scary Halloween costume, just use your imagination!
You can just use your own t-shirt! Go as Crazy One-Armed Man. [ stuffs one arm under his t-shirt ] “Hey, look at me! I only got one arm, and I’m crazy! Now give me some candy, or I’ll grab you with my crazy one-arm!”
Or, how about going as Crazy One-Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy? [ pokes hand out from the top of his shirt collar ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy! Now, give me some candy! Don’t you think I deserve some for being this crazy?!
Or.. how about going as Crazy No-Armed-Woman? [ stuffs both arms under his t-shirt ] “I want some candy! Candy, candy! Everybody knows that Crazy Woman-With-No-Arms just loves candy! Now, give it to me, or I’ll rip your ear off!”
You can use something that’s in your house, even.. [ laughs, holds spoon to his head ] How about a spoon? “I’m Crazy Spoon-Head! And I want some candy! I don’t have a normal head, I got a damn spoon growing out of it! Now, give me some crazy candy, dammit! Ow-ooo, this spoon makes me b>crazy!”
[ picks up potted plant ] Or, just use a plant from someone’s yard! [ places plant over head ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Plant-Head, how about some candy! Come on, I’m crazy! And I got a plant coming out of my head! Don’t leave Crazy Plant-Head hanging, he needs some candy, too!”
Or, a Crazy Plant-Arm! [ pulls plant into his sleeve ] “Hey, look at this! I have a plant coming out of my arm! Isn’t that bizarre! I am crazy, I am deformed, and I am hungry! Now, give me some candy! Fork it over!”
Kevin Nealon: Hey, Adam! How about this? [ laughs, places styrofoam cup on his head ] “I’m Cup-Head! Cup-Head, hey, I want some candy, I’m Cup-Head!” [ Adam laughs ] Adam Sandler, ladies and gentlemen.
Pee Wee Herman was rushed to Cedar Simon Hospital today, after attending a Halloween costume party as Edward Scissorhands.
Kevin Nealon: For some hints on how to dress for your local weather, let’s turn now to our USA Today weather map. [ points to colored map ] If you live in the East, you may want to break out your yellow clothes; up in the North, your blue or light-blue clothes; and green, yellow and brown clothes in the Midwest, possibly a plaid ensemble. More weather tomorrow.
Don’t forget – Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, so at two o’clock, set your clock ahead 23 hours. If you’re in Central/Mountain Time, it’s 1 hour back, minus the 2 hour time difference. In New York City, and those of you on the West Coast, it’s a 3 hour time difference, 1 hour back, and 3 eggs.
Christian Slater: Thank you very much. Wow, let me just say that again, wow, Saturday night live! First of all, I want to thank everyone for tuning in, even though the World Series is still on, I understand its been a real exciting series, but weve got a real exciting show. Before we get started though, Id like to get something off my chest. This is something thats been bothering me for sometime and I wanted to take this opportunity here to deal with it once and for all, alright. Im a little tired of people accusing me of doing Jack Nicholson, OK? Of course it hasnt happened around here, you know, people at the show have been extremely supportive, very helpful. Its I dont know, maybe its characters Ive played, I dont know. Movies like Heathers, Pump Up the Volume, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest- no that actually was Jack, yea. But anyway, what I do is nothing like Jack Nicholson, alright? And just to prove it, Im going to do the famous diner scene from Five Easy Pieces. Now the way I do it, alright. Now first were going to show you the way Nicholson did it, so Davey if we could role that clip there. Davey? Anybody hear me? Anyone? Dave? [whistles]
[Behind the scenes, production staff is watching the game, doing the Braves chop with foam Braves sticks]
Christian Slater: Excuse me! [trying to get someones attention] Excuse me! I guess theyre watching the game. Alright, this is great guys.
[Jumps to real John McLaughlin and Lorne Michaels watching the game in front of a TV, with Braves sticks and wearing Indian headdresses]
Lorne Michaels: I always said Braves in 6.
John McLaughlin: Wrong, Braves in 7.
Christian Slater: Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: Christian, howd the monologue go?
Christian Slater: Fine, I think Im still doing it.
Lorne Michaels: Good, good. You know I said Braves in 6.
John McLaughlin: Excuse me young man, you make a better door than a window. [referring to Slater blocking the TV]
Christian Slater: Oh, sorry.
[Slater sees whole audience is doing the Braves chop]
Christian Slater: Jesus. Thats great. Well I guess theyre watching the game, but we actually really do have a great show tonight. Bonnie Raitt is here. Well be right back.
John McLaughlin Dana Carvey Real John Mclaughlin Himself Pat Buchanan Phil Hartman Morton Kondracke Kevin Nealon Jack Germond Chris Farley Fred Barnes Mike Myers
[Theme music]
Announcer: From the nations capital, The McLaughlin Group, special Halloween edition. With panelists Jack Germond [wearing skeleton costume], Pat Buchanan [wearing devil costume], Fred Barnes [wearing ghost costume] and Morton Kondracke [dressed as Spiderman]. Now heres the moderator, John McLaughlin [wearing grim reeper costume].
John McLaughlin: Issue 1: The Mideast Peace Conference, trick or treat? Will the Israelis cooperate or does the Palestinian delegation have them spooked. Pat Buchanan.
Pat Buchanan: Well I think Israel is justifiably-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ghost of Fred Barnes!
Fred Barnes: I dont think a withdrawal-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortone.
Morton Kondracke: Well the Palestinians are-
John McLaughlin: Not scary enough. Jack-o-lantern Germond.
Jack Germond: John Id really prefer-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is the Middle East peace talks will be ghoulishly successful. Issue 2! A little girl was gathering wood in the forest, while her step-mother who was suddenly astormed began to brew. [lights dim] The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion. Who was lurking in the cobwebs I ask you, Mortone! [flashes flashlight at Kondracke]
Morton Kondracke: Uh a grave robber?
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Flap-a-jack-a-Germondo!
Jack Germond: I dont know, a big bad wolf?
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Youre getting cold not warm. Fred Barnes- Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: Aaaaah!
John McLaughlin: Were you scared Pat?
Pat Buchanan: Of course Im not.
John McLaughlin: Wrong! You wish you were never born! Next issue! Close your eyes. Issue 3: Is this cold spaghetti or a human brain? [displays plate of spaghetti] Jack Germond!
Jack Germond: Im not gonna play it.
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Pat Buchanan, guess if you dare. [Buchanan shakes his head] Come on Mortone I know youll try.
Morton Kondracke: Well Im gonna have to say it feels like spaghetti.
John McLaughlin: Wrong, the correct answer is: ha ha ha ha ha ha! Next issue! [turns on flashlight below his head] The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave ere this night is out, agree or disagree? Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: John can we please just-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddy Kreuger!
Fred Barnes: Well its Fred Barnes-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Germoooooooooooondo, [high pitched voice] Jack Germooooooooondo.
Jack Germond: You know I really have no opinion on-
John McLaughlin: Maybe this will help you. [tosses black cat onto Germond, Germond scared as cat purrs]
John McLaughlin: How about you, Mor-tony Baloney.
Morton Kondracke: Well Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years, so if there were a living corpse, I would think the Democrats would be no interest in John, why are you letting me talk so long? John? John? [scary music plays, McLaughlin appears dead]Voice in Background: Hoo hoo hoo, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
[The real actual John McLaughlin walks in dressed as Grim Reeper, removes hood, pushing fake McLaughlin out of his chair, and real McLaughlin takes his seat]
Real John McLaughlin: Sorry the teasing was starting to get to me so I had to take action. Issue. Our unified Europe, good for them, how about us? Boon or bean? Freddy Barnes and Noble?
Fred Barnes: Well I think we depend far too much on-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong. Patty cake patty cake, bakers Buchanan.
Pat Buchanan: Europe ought to be concerned that-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! More Tony Bennett, less Tony Martin!
Morton Kondracke: Well I would have to say-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Jack bo back, banana bana fo fack, fee fy fo mack Ja-ack!
Jack Germond: Alright you can start the show now you big ham.
Real John McLaughlin: Itll be my pleasure. Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
Hans Dana Carvey Franz Kevin Nealon Arnold Schwarzenegger
[Yodeling music plays]
Announcer: Good evening and welcome again to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weight lifter.
Hans and Franz: Alright welcome, were back.
Hans: Once again I am Hans.
Franz: Yah and I am Franz.
Both: And we are here to pump you up.
Franz: You know let me tell you something. Many of you are wondering where have we been?
Hans: Yeah thats right. We spent most of the summer in movie theaters intensely screening the Earths most important cultural event.
Both: Terminator 2.
Franz: Yah thats right, starring the worlds most popular movie star.
Hans: Yah which happens to be our cousin, perhaps youve heard of him.
Both: Arnold Schwartzaneggar.
Franz: Alright, alright. After crushing the movie industry, cousin Arnold went on a fifty state tour sponsored by president Bush.
Hans: Thats right. As you know, cousin Arnold was put in charge of the presidents counsel on physical pupitude.
Franz: Thats right, no better person. Arnolds dream is to create a flabless utopia, but alas the girly man has a formidable opponent.
Hans: Thats right, but hear me now and believe me later, we can easily crush girly men like grapes.
Franz: Thats right, and make a nice dry white wine-
Both: Savajon girls.
Hans: Thats right. And if you were ever alive, wed be rippled.
Franz: Yah thats right, yah nice ripple. So you know we followed Arnold from state
to state to lend a helping muscle.
Hans: Yah take a look at this.
Franz: Yah.
[Video begins]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: [addressing group of kids] The next exercise is for the upper body to get you really strong, some push ups ok. Now for that, were gonna have my cousins come out and show you how to do it the proper way, ok. Come on, Hans and Franz, here they are.
[Hans and Franz walk in, greet Arnold]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys go ahead with the program, show them now.
Franz: Ok cousin Arnold, you know, but first Id like to say kids, do not be alarmed by our stunning musculature.
Hans: Yah we know youre tiny children brains cant possibly comprehend the muscles so large, the arms to strong, our bodies so firm.
Franz: Yah thats right. We know youre traumatized right now by the site of us, but believe me, our muscles do not bite.
Hans: Thats right, we put on our weight belt the same way you do.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys, youre not scaring anybody so lets get back, get back to the exercising, thats what were doing here.
Franz: Yah I get it, child psychology.
Hans: Alright cousin Arnold.
Franz: Its very important to know how to properly flex.
Hans: Yah lets go over some simple poses like this. [Hans and Franz pose] Try it.
[kids flex]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Guys hold on, hold it, there are more important things than posing.
Hans: Thats right, thats right, before you pose, its very important to oil your body.
Franz: Thats right, so you can accent your cuts and your muscle definition.
Hans: Yah.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fellas come on, we have to learn here about how to exercise.
Franz: Yah, yah cousin its all good to exercise, but sooner or later, theyre gonna have to learn how to compete.
Hans: Thats right. Ok now before you work out, its very important to shave all your body hair.
Franz: Yah thats right, we are completely hairless, believe me.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, no, no, no, no. Listen guys, this is not about competition, this is about exercising, listen fellas, hear me now and believe me later. What youre doing here is youre putting the carriage in front of the horse, thats not what we want to do. If you continue on this way, Im gonna twist your flab into the shape of a pacifier, and Im gonna have you suck on it until you poop your diapers, huh? How about that?
Franz: Were sorry cousin Arnold.
Hans: Yah, yah were sorry.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah youre sure sorry, youre real losers. You guys are the losers, I mean youre wastes.
Hans: Yah alright, now can we please do the finale?
Franz: Please?
Hans: Please?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alright.Hans: Thank you, alright. [drum music plays, Hans and Franz flex their fake muscles, then Arnold flexes his real muscles, stunning the kids. Video ends]
Franz: Alright, yah, that was beautiful.
Hans: Muscles perfectly firm. You know I love the way those pictorials were just dancing the night away.
Franz: Thats right. Alright kids, one more lesson. [Hans and Franz each display 2 eggs] These are your muscles.
Hans: Yah and these are your muscles on steroids. [both smash eggs]
Both: Yah, any questions? [pause] Alright.
Franz: Until next time, he is Hans-
Hans: And he is Franz-
Both: And we just want to pump you up! [theme music plays]
Announcer: This has been Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.
Air Date:
Skid Row, “Piece Of Me”
