Month: October 2018

Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

Obstetrician…..Phil Hartman
Reporter…..Nora Dunn
Ted Carter…..Bill Murray
Janet Carter…..Victoria Jackson
Louise…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Obstetrician’s office – Reporter enters ]

Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

Reporter: Thank you.

Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don’t know why anyonewould want to read about me – I’m just a small-town family obstetrician.

Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you’ve been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And you’ve delivered over 4,300 babies.

Obstetrician: That’s right.

Reporter: And they’ve all been girls.

Obstetrician: That’s right. They’ve all been girls!

Reporter: Well, you know, that’s amazing! You know, myassistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It’s over 1 in 700 trillion.

Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is – knock on wood – they’re all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They’re like my family. They’re my little girls.

Reporter: It’s like a miracle. Not one single boy.

Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into hisintercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to thereporter ] I have an appointment – you’re welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

Janet Carter: Doctor!

Obstetrician: How’s everything going?

Janet Carter: Oh, I’m doing alright.

Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

Janet Carter: Hi.

Obstetrician: They’re doing an article on me, can you believe that?

Janet Carter: That doesn’t surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I’ve.. got some good news. Everything’s fine, the baby’s healthy.

Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn’t you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I’d like to know..

Obstetrician: Well, no. It’s a girl.

Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife’s chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

Ted Carter: We’ll try again.

Janet Carter: No. No more.

Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

Obstetrician: Yes, I’m afraid so.

Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

Ted Carter: It’s quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

Obstetrician: Oh, I’d say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% – in that area!

[ Louise the Secretary – a manly-looking secretary at that – enters ]

Louise: Doctor, here’s those reports you wanted.

Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of thefirst babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

Louise: Oh, same old problem.

Obstetrician: Well, don’t worry, Louise. Mr. Right’s out theresomewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I’ll be seeing you next week?

Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. “A son is a son ’til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.”

Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I’ve gotta leave early today – my electrolosis appointment.

Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can’t you see what you’re doing here? I mean, the 48-51% – they’re not girls, they’re little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

Obstetrician: No! No, they weren’t boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys’ bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They’re out all night with “Uncle Rudy”! But he’s not my uncle! Why does she call him my “uncle”..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enoughmaterial for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ]

[ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby “girl” on the cover ]

Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

[ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

And say hello to Martina Navaratilova’s new travel companion.

People celebrates people.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Bill Murray’s Monologue

…..Bill Murray

Bill Murray: Thank you very much! I’m very happy to be here! This is the 500th broadcast of “Saturday Night Live”!

I’ve been away a while, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’m a little nervous – I’ve got a belt and suspenders on this evening! But I came back. You know why? [ audience yells “Why?” ] Because I love this country! And something happened this year that just drove a dagger through my ticker. For the first time in this nation’s history, a film comedy from another country was the #1 hit. This country didn’t make “Crocdile Dundee”. We should have, we didn’t. We got a little cocky, I think. I know what you’re gonna say – “It’s the old Chicken Little routine. No, don’t worry, Bill, this is the funniest country on Earth, always will be!” Listen.. smell the coffee, people. I’m frightened.

Look at history, look at the French – they used to be funny. You know? What have they got now? They’ve got Jerry Lewis and the Smurfs, that’s it. Look at England – England has Benny Hill, but, you know, they squandered him. The Mexicans had Continflas – they worked him to death. And now we’re losing our edge, and the entire world knows it. Am I right, G.E.? Everybody knows it. While we were sleeping late, hanging in on Saturday mornings, the Japanese took away our cartoon shows! I mean, when you saw “Speed Racer”, didn’t something go, “Wait a second!” Now, the Germans are getting into sitcoms – I’m frightened. “Levenost nok Bever”?

Okay. I blame myself a little bi, I mean, I could have helped a little bit.. I mean, in my own way. I just got.. you know.. I took a little time off, I got to know my friends and family a little bit, had a few dinners, a few drinks, a glass of wine.. next thing you know, a year has gone. Yuo re-order, you have second helpings, and three years are gone.. and I’m just too old, fat, and slow to know the difference. But I’m gonna try to help this country regain her natural, genetic, racial, comic supremacy. Are you with me?! Let’s start tonight! Will you promise to laugh, even if it’s not funny? [ audience applauds ] ‘Cause we need the support! We’ve got a great show. We’ve got.. well.. it’s an American show. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Il Returno de Hercules

King Laertes…..Dana Carvey/Tom Davis (voice)
Helena…..Nora Dunn/Jan Hooks (voice)
Hercules…..Bill Murray
Guard…..A Whitney Brown

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “In the time known as the Heroic Age, many centuries before the birth of Christ, Greece was still a savage and uncivilized land. In these dark times, one man alone defended the helpless – the Mighty Hercules. For many years the might Hercules fought for the common people, until at length his rich diet and increasingly sedentary lifestyle began to take their toll. Though srill quite strong for a man his age, he was no longer the Hercules of old.”

King Laertes: Why do you resist me, Helena? Become my Queen. Together, we will rule Greece!

Helena: Never! You have stolen this land from my father. Besides, you have not reckoned yet with Hercules.

King Laertes: Do not look to Hercules for help. My guards captured him last night. Today, he will be put to death.

Helena: No! Spare him! I will do anything you ask.

King Laertes: So.. you do love him!

Helena: He is the greatest hero of Greece.

King Laertes: I must see this warrior. Bring Hercules to me!

Guard: Bring in Hercules!

[ Hercules is brought in. He is old and flabby ]

King Laertes: So, Hercules, once again, we meet. By the gods! Look at you! You really have let yourself go!

Hercules: Is it that noticeable, Laertes?

King Laertes: Is it noticeable?! I hardly recognized you!

Helena: Well, I think he looks fine.

King Laertes: Silence! So.. the Mighty Hercules! I don’t mean to be cruel, but you have really gone downhill!

Hercules: I have not exercised much since the last Olympics. And I’ve learned, to my sorrow, that if you stop exercising, the muscle turns to fat.

King Laertes: I was going to feed you to the Hydra, the seven-headed dragon.. but looking at you, I have a better idea. You are said to be the strongest man to ever live. I will spare your life, if you can pass a test of strength!

Hercules: Must I pass this test of strength right away?

King Laertes: What do you mean?

Hercules: If I can have a month or two, to get into better condition..

King Laertes: No! Absolutely not! You must the test of strength now! Today!

Hercules: Very well. What is your test?

King Laertes: Do you see that boulder over there? I want you to lift it!

Hercules: That boulder is too large. I could life a smaller one.

King Laertes: So! The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: In six months I will be able to lift it. Right after I put an end to your despotic rule, Laertes, I plan to start a new regimen – hunting, swimming, eating better.. [ rubbing his belly ] All this will disappear.

King Laertes: Brave talk, Hercules. First, you must pass this test!

Hercules: And if I pass this test, you will spare Helena’s life?

King Laertes: You have my word.

Hercules: Very well. I accept.

Helena: No, Hercules. Don’t try to lift the boulder yourself. Get someone to help you.

[ Hercules stretches as everyone waits ]

King Laertes: Hercules! Look, what are you doing?

Hercules: First, I must loosen up. I am very tight. [ continues to stretch ]

Helena: Hercules! I beg you. Don’t! [ Hercules bends over to lift the boulder ] Hercules! The legs! Lift with the legs!

Hercules: [ starting to raise the boulder, stopping suddenly ] My back! I think I pulled it! [ he lays on the ground, as Helena runs over to help ] This happened once before. Leave me alone. If I lie flat like this, it will fix itself.

King Laertes: [ laughing ] Ha! Your Hercules is a weakling! Send in the Hydra!

Guard: Send the Hydra!

[ the Hydra appears ]

Helena: Hercules! Get up! The Hydra!

Hercules: I can’t. Just let me lie here, please.

Helena: Oh, Laertes, please! Hercules can’t get up! Call off the Hydra!

King Laertes: Very well.. Call off the Hydra.

Guard: Call off the Hydra!

[ the Hydra leaves ]

Helena: Hercules, the Hydra is gone. Can I do anything for you?

Hercules: No, Helena. Thank you. If I could just lie here for another minute..

King Laertes: [ mocking ] The Mighty Hercules! What a disappointment!

Hercules: [ trying to pick himself up ] I’d like to see you try it.

King Laertes: The Mighty Hercules!

Hercules: Stop saying “The Mighty Hercules”.

Helena: Don’t worry about Laertes. Soon, when you have regained your strength, you can return to lift that boulder and crush him with it.

Hercules: I can’t even think about that now..

Helena: That’s right, Hercules. Now you must rest. For you, there will be other adventures. The gods have willed it!

[ fade out – “Fini” at the center of the screen ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 21st, 1987

Bill Murray

Percy Sledge

None

Bill’s Missing Show

Bill Murray’s Monologue

Reach Out

One-Night Stand

Donahue

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Nick Slammer

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

Percy Sledge performs “When A Man Loves A Woman”

Il Returno De Hercules

Mikey Can’t Shoot

Honker Drives A Cab

Recurring Characters:Honker,

SNL Transcripts

Don & Nancy

President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Don Regan…..Kevin Nealon
Nancy Reagan…..Jan Hooks

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ SUPER: “The White House” ]

[ SUPER: “Thuesday” ]

[ SUPER: “February 26, 1987” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Ronald Reagan speaking with Don Regan ]

Don Regan: Mr. President, the Tower Commission has completed its report.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, Don, you know, I’m glad this thing is finally coming out. And your future here as Chief-of-Staff depends on how you fare in the report.

Don Regan: Well, Mr. President, I brought your copy. [ hands over a bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh, boy.. that’s a big one. How big is it?

Don Regan: It’s about 300 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: I did take the trouble of preparing a summary of the report. [ hands over a less bulky booklet ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Good. [ leafs through the booklet with wonder ]

Don Regan: Uh.. it’s about 27 pages long, sir.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Perhaps you’d like to just scan an outline of the summary. [ hands over a few sheets of paper ]

President Ronald Reagan: Oh. Sure. How long is that?

Don Regan: 6 pages.

President Ronald Reagan: Oh.

Don Regan: Now, I havce an abstract of the outline. That might be the most sufficient.

President Ronald Reagan: Uh-huh.

Don Regan: Or, if you’d like, I could just as easily give you an oral report of the abstract.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that would probably make the most sense!

Don Regan: Well, first of all, the report is all and all, pretty good.

President Ronald Reagan: [ excited ] Really? Well, how did I come out?

Don Regan: Very well.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, does it say I approved shipments of arms to Iran?

Don Regan: Uh, yes it does.

President Ronald Reagan: [ curious ] Did I?

Don Regan: Uh.. yes, you did.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, then, it’s a ogod report, and God bless the men and women who put it together.

Don Regan: Yes.

President Ronald Reagan: So, how did you come off, Don? I guess that’s the $64,000 question.

Don Regan: Well, actually, they said my behavior was beyond reproach.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, there, buddy! Congratulations! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Regan: Hmm..

[ Nancy Reagan enters. She and Don exchange nasty looks. ]

Nancy Reagan: I didn’t realize that you were still here.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, as a matter of fact, Mommy, Don is gonna be staying on indefinately.

Nancy Reagan: Staying on?!

Don Regan: That is the President’s wish.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m going to call it a day now, but before I go, I just want to say something. I can tell you two don’t get along. Now, I may not know much about foreign policy, or the budget, or trade relations.. or national defense. Or education. Or foreign policy. Or health, or social security, or.. the history of our country, really. Or how the different branches of our government work. But I do know one thing: people. And I’ll tell you something. The reason you two can’t get along is that you’re so much alike. now, I’m gonna head upstairs, and I want you to know, well.. that I’d like you to hash this out. And I think you’ll see that I’m right. Will you do that for me? Don?

Don Regan: [ sighs ] I’ll try, Mr. President.

President Ronald Reagan: Nancy?

Nancy Reagan: [ disgusted ] For you, dear.

President Ronald Reagan: See you tomorrow. [ exits Oval Office ]

[ Nancy and Don exchange now-knowing glances ]

Nancy Reagan: Do you think he knows about us?

Don Regan: Not a chance!

Nancy Reagan: What about the Tower Commission?

Don Regan: We’re home free.

Nancy Reagan: [ grabs Don’s tie ] You know, I’m sorry about what I said about you to the press.

Don Regan: Ah, I’m not worried about that, Nancy. But, uh, isn’t there something else you want to say?

Nancy Reagan: [ coolly innocent ] What do you mean?

Don Regan: You know damn well what I mean! Howard Baker!

Nancy Reagan: [ laughs ] Howard Baker? Come on, we had lunch a couple of times, that’s all.

Don Regan: That’s not what I hear!

Nancy Reagan: Come on, Don, what are you saying?

Don Regan: I’m saying that I don’t trust you! I love you, but I don’t trust you!

Nancy Reagan: Don, I know you don’t mean that. It’s this crazy town, that’s what it is. I mean, in a little while it’ll be over, and then I promise you we’ll get away. I promise you that. [ tugs at Don’s jacket ]

Don Regan: I guess I’ve just been under a little strain lately. It’s just that you can’t trust anybody..

Nancy Reagan: Trust me! Come on, baby!

[ they begin to make out passionately, climbing atop the President’s desk and groping at one another ]

[ President Ronald Reagan re-enters the room, smiling at the sight ]

President Ronald Reagan: [ to the camera ] See? They’re getting along just fine! I’m telling you – I know people! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Discover

Peter Graves…..Phil Hartman
Dr. Charles Claproth…..Jon Lovitz

[ scene: a laboratory, several floors up in a New York high-rise ]

Peter Graves: Hello! I’m Peter Graves. Welcome to the world of”Discover”. This is Dr. Charles Claproth, Professor of Physics here at New York University.

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ listlessly ] Hello.

Peter Graves: Doctor, what are we looking at? [ points to a suspended model in front of them ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, this is a model of a water molecule.

Peter Graves: And what is a molecule?

Dr. Charles Claproth: A molecule is the smallest portion of asubstance which still retains the characteristics of that substance.

Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so, this model is not actual size, then?

Dr. Charles Claproth: No Peter, it is not. Molecules are very small.

Peter Graves: About how small are they, Doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Well, there are as many molecules in a teaspoon of water, as there are teaspoons of water in the Atlantic Ocean.
>Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so molecules are very, very small, then.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: But you said they were just, very small.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: So, you were wrong.

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ grimacing ] Yes. Let’s take a look at some elements, shall we?

Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ they move to the next pedestal, displaying a metal ] Doctor, what are elements?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, elements are the substances which cannot be separated into two or more substances.

Peter Graves: Like, say, a pencil?

Dr. Charles Claproth: No, like this, pure gold.

Peter Graves: Oh. [ picks up the gold ] So this is gold?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: It’s heavy.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes. It’s also one of the most malleablesubstances. This cubic inch of gold can be drawn into a continuous wire over forty miles long, or, pounded into a film covering 1,400 square feet.

Peter Graves: So gold is long and thin like, say, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Well.. in a way.

Peter Graves: Amazing. [ puts the gold in his pocket and starts to move on ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: Hey!

Peter Graves: [ turns around ] Yes?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Please put that back. It’s property of theuniversity.

Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ returns the gold to the pedestal, then they move on to the next pedestal holding a larger block of metal ] What is this, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: This is osmium. It is one of the heaviest and densest elements on Earth. This cubic foot weighs 1,400 pounds.

Peter Graves: May I try to lift it?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Oh, don’t bother, no man could.

[ Peter grabs the block on both sides and applies force, but it doesn’t move ]

Peter Graves: Well, it’s heavy all right. [ lets go of the block, but the pedestal collapses in two, and the osmium falls through the floor, and continues to fall through subsequent floors. Sounds of water gushing from toilets and fearful screams are heard from below as Dr. Claproth watches in fear ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ sighing ] It’s probably in the basement.

Peter Graves: The pedestal was too weak to hold the osmium, wasn’t it, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: Did you design these pedestals, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ angry ] Yes!

Peter Graves: Aaalll right. [ walks to the next pedestal,which holds a glowing metal encased by a bell jar ] And what is thiselement, Doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: This is californium. This is the world’s most expensive element. It is sold by the Atomic Energy Commission for $1,000 per microgram. That’s $530 billion per pound.

Peter Graves: Let’s take a look. [ removes the jar, sounding an alarm ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: No, no! You fool! Californium is ahighly radioactive isotope! It’s lethal! It’s..

Peter Graves: [ replaces the jar – the alarm stops ] Aaalll right. [ moves to the next pedestal ] And what’s this, doctor?

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ hopelessly ] It’s sodium! It’s just sodium! Oh! What difference does it make? We’re dead men! [ puts his head on Peter’s shoulder and starts to sob ]

Peter Graves: [ to camera, still calm ] Alll right. Then I guess I won’t be here next week for another episode of.. “Discover”.

[fade out.]

Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Hard News Cafe

Female Reporter…..Valerie Bertinelli
Male Reporter…..Phil Hartman
Waitress…..Nora Dunn
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
Cashier…..Victoria Jackson
Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey
Fan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Edwin Newman

[ open on exterior, Hard News Cafe ]

[ dissolve to interior, couple sitting at a table in the middle of the cafe ]

Female Reporter: [ staring at memorabilia on the wall ] Whose bow tie is that?

Male Reporter: Oh, that’s Irving R. Levine’s.

Female Reporter: Wow..

Male Reporter: [ pointing ] And that’s Eric Severeid’s first microphone.

Female Reporter: Wow! What a great concept this is! How many Hard News Cafes are there?

Male Reporter: [ thinking ] Well, there’s this one in Washington.. one in New York. Uh.. a new one going up in Cambridge. And they have plans to open one up in every major American city except Los Angeles.

Female Reporter: Oh, yeah. It seems like there’s a lot of tourists, though. I don’t see any newsman, do you?

Male Reporter: [ looking ] No, I don’t see any.. [ suddenly spots one behind him ] Oh. There’s Sam Donaldson.

Female Reporter: [ stunned ]

[ Waitress enters the scene, as diners’ hand suddenly shoot into the air like newsthirsty reporters ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

Waitress: [ points across the room ] Sam! Sam! [ walks over to him ]

Sam Donaldson: Can I get the Pierre Salinger club without the tongue?

Waitress: That would simply be the.. Charles Kuralt.

Sam Donaldson: Hmm.. I see. Alright, I’ll tell you what – maybe I’ll eat light. Give me the Lesley Stahl fruit cup.

Waitress: Alright. I’ll get that right away.

[ Waitress walks away, as the diners go nuts ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

[ back to the first table ]

Female Reporter: Oh! My friend at the Dish came through!

Male Reporter: Great!

Female Reporter: [ pulls videotape out of her purse ] “Trade Representative Brought Testifying to Governor’s Conference on the Trade Deficit”.

Male Reporter: Excellent!

Female Reporter: “After the first ten minutes, it cooked.”

Male Reporter: Great!

Female Reporter: Oh, oh.. [ pulls out another videotape ] “Round Table Discussion on Reinterpretating the ABM Treatment: Richard Pearl, Robert MacNamera, San Nunn.”

Male Reporter: No!

Female Reporter: Yes!

Male Reporter: Great!

[ a scuffle can be heard off-screen ]

Off-screen Voice: Hey, let go of me, I’ve got a right to be here as much as anybody else! Ow!

Female Reporter: What’s going on? What is it?

Male Reporter: Oh, it’s Geraldo Rivera. He tried to sneak in again, and they bounced him.

Female Reporter: Oh, thank God.

[ Ted Koppel steps up to the Cashier ]

Cashier: Sir, can I help you?

Ted Kooppel: Hello, I’m Ted Koppel, and I have a reservation.

Cashier: [ looks at reservation log ] I’m sorry, Mr. Koppel. I don’t have your name written down here, but uh.. I can seat you right away if you don’t mind sitting with, uh.. Sam Donaldson.

Ted Kooppel: [ looks over ] I’ll wait.

Sam Donaldson: [ notices Ted Koppel is in the cafe ] Hey, Ted! Ted! Come on over! Ted! Ted! Over here! [ Ted gives in and sits with Sam ] Hey, you’re looking good, hair looks nice! Can I get you a waitress? Let me get you a waitress! [ raises his hand ] Waitress!

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

Waitress: [ points across the room ] Sam! [ walks over ]

Sam Donaldson: Waitress, my friend would like to order.

Ted Kooppel: I’m Ted Koppel, and thi-i-is.. is my lunch. Turning our attention to the menu, Sam, you’ve eaten here before, you’ve attended many such lunches. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind sharing with us, your insights.

Sam Donaldson: Well, now, Ted, I could sit here and recommend specials until the cows come home. But, ultimately, you’re the one who’s gonna have to eat what’s on the plate.

Waitress: I’ll come back..

[ Waitress walks away, as the diners go nuts ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

[ Fan approaches Sam and Ted’s table ]

Fan: Hey, hey! Ted Koppel, Sam Donaldson! Sorry for interrupting your lunch, man! You two are my favorite newsmen, you know? I can’t believe you’re sitting here!

Ted Kooppel: Thank you very much, young man. Keep watching.

Sam Donaldson: Thank you. Yes.

Fan: So, who do you like for the Democrats in ’88? Do you like Joe Biden?

Ted Kooppel: Yes, he’s a fine candidate, yes.

Sam Donaldson: Yes, nice meeting you.

Fan: Wh-what’s that supposed to mean, “nice meeting you”? What, because I’m not in the news fraternity, or something, I’m not worth talking to?!

Sam Donaldson: Yeah.. yeah.. Look, if you’ll just excuse us, please.

Fan: [ peeved ] Great, that’s just terrific..

Sam Donaldson: You know, everyone, you know, including electronic journalists, have the right to –

Ted Kooppel: Sam, excuse me for a moment, if you will. But I don’t think any purpose will be served by engaging this individual any further.

Fan: [ angry ] Well, you guys suck, you know that! You know what?! Without the audience, you guys would be nothing! You would be talking to yourselves! [ Edwin Newman walks up and grabs his shoulder ] What?

Edwin Newman: Pardon me, sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Fan: Oh, yeah, well.. Edwin Newman – oh, I’m shaking! I’m not going nowhere, man!

Edwin Newman: Uh, in a way, you’re absolutely right. But, by using the double negative “not going nowhere”, you implied that you are going somewhere. As, indeed, you are. ie – out!

Fan: What? I don’t think so..

Edwin Newman: Out! [ grabs the Fan ]

Fan: Hey! Hey! [ as he’s dragged away ] Who do you think I am – Geraldo Rivera!

[ cut back to the first table ]

Female Reporter: This place really lives us to its reputation!

Male Reporter: Yeah, let’s buy a couple of t-shirts on the way out!

Female Reporter: Yeah! Yeah!

[ Waitress passes through ]

Diners: Waitress! Waitress! Waitress! Waitress!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

On Broadway

Brenda Krouse…..Jan Hooks
Ross Treadway…..Phil Hartman
Nina Treadway…..Nora Dunn

[ music open: “Getting To Know You” ]

[ dissolve to the “On Broadway” set ]

Brenda Krouse: Hello. I’m Brenda Krouse, “On Broadway”. Now, that music, and these posters, are, of course, from the Rogers & Hammerstein classic “The King & I”. Now, tonight we’ll be getting to know the man who’s now starring in the Westbury Music Fair production – Ross Treadway. Ross, welcome.

Ross Treadway: Thank you.

Brenda Krouse: Now, you took over the lead role in the show, the King of Siam, from the legendary Yul Brynner, who virtually made a career out of the role. I mean, he won countless awards, broke all kinds of box office records. I think it must be tremendously frustrating to step into the shadow of a performer like that, am I right? It must be a no-win situation.

Ross Treadway: So, what are you saying, that the show should be abandoned, never perform it again?

Brenda Krouse: Oh, no, not at all..

Ross Treadway: [ angry ] Then, what’s your point?

Brenda Krouse: Well, I-I-I.. just mean that, you know, you’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill. I mean, Yul Brynner was so popular in that role.

Ross Treadway: [ guffaws ] Oh, really? He was? What an interesting news item, I’d better write that down – Yul Brynner, popular, “King & I”.

Brenda Krouse: [ stunned by Ross’ outburst ] Uh.. I guess I can understand how it would be a, uh.. a sore point.

Ross Treadway: Alright, listen, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Yul Brynner wasn’t good in the role, I’m sure he was. All I’m saying is that there’s a guy by the name of Ross Treadway, and he’s pretty good, too.

Brenda Krouse: Okay. Alright. Well, the reviews, overall, have been pretty favorable. Looking at my notes here, I see that your performance has been called “satisfactory”, “adequate”, “serviceable”..

Ross Treadway: [ annoyed ] Yeah. You know, my favorite was “workmanlike”. A response like that doesn’t exactly blast you out of bed in the morning!

Brenda Krouse: But, you know, Ross, you really can’t blame people for making that comparison, can you?

Ross Treadway: Who can’t blame people? I can blame. You bet I can blame! You know, the thing that irritates me is that people accept this great reputation – on heresay! I mean, how many people actually saw Yul Brynner in “The King & I”?

Brenda Krouse: [ laughs ] Well, come on! He did about 4,000 performances, plus the film, which was quite successful.

Ross Treadway: Define “successful”.

: [ laughs ] Well..

Ross Treadway: No! See, this really galls me! I mean, maybe that film was okay, but this guy made a lot of bad movies! Nobody wants to talk about those. “The Ten Commandments” – phew-wee!

Brenda Krouse: Really? Well now, you see, I really liked him in “The Ten Commandments”.. I did..

Ross Treadway: [ jumps up and taps her skull really hard ] Hel-lo! Is anybody home?!

Brenda Krouse: [ struggling ] Ow! Ouch! Stop it! Stop it! Don’t ever hit me! Alright?! Now, I can understand how you can be frustrated by this. But, really!

Ross Treadway: No, people are robots! They are! You know, they’re programmed from birth: “The King & I”? [ imitates a robot ] Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner, Yul Brynner.. It’s all so nice and tidy! But, God forbid, an original thought, or, let’s say, a talented actor should intrude upon their little menagerie of lies!

Brenda Krouse: Alright. Alright. Now, you choose to portray the king as having a full head of hair.

Ross Treadway: Okay.. [ holds up script ] Here’s the book of “The King & I” – right here!! Nowhere.. in this book.. does it say the king is bald. Nowhere! I’ll give you $10,000 if you can find the word “bald” anywhere! Here it is! [ thrusts out his bank book ] You want it!

Brenda Krouse: No, I don’t want it! It just seems that after Yul Brynner, the audience might be expecting a bald head.

Ross Treadway: Yeah. Okay! Fine! You’re right, you’re absolutely right! You know, let’s not knock the icon off his precious pedestal! [ grabs a pair of scissors and begins to cut his hair out ] You want bald?! Bald! Fine! Alright, blad it is!!

Brenda Krouse: [ tries to stop him ] No! No!

Ross Treadway: You’re happy! Everybody’s happy, okay! Here we go!

Brenda Krouse: Stop this! Ross, please!

Ross Treadway: Bald, bald, bald!!

[ Ross’ wife, Nina, steps onstage and tries to calm him down ]

Nina Treadway: Give me the scissors! Please? Give them to me! [ Ross hands her the scissors, sits down and cries ] I’ve got something to say to those people. You people make me so damn mad! My husband is a good man! But, oh, one unpardonable crime – he’s not Yul Brynner! Well, gee, I’m not Yul Brynner, either! And, you know what, none of you are Yul Brynner, either, are you? Are you?!

Ross Treadway: [ embarassed ] Nina.. I’m alright now..

Nina Treadway: You don’t deserve my husband! My husband, an actor! You all seem to want Yul Brynner – dig him up! See what kind of a show he’ll do for you! Then do your little standing ovation, throw your roses, and just get out! Just get out!!

Ross Treadway: Nina, please..

Nina Treadway: You’re the lowest form of life on Earth! The LOWEST form!! [ spits, turns and exits ]

Brenda Krouse: [ stunned ] Um.. you know, Ross.. maybe you ought to discuss this with someone.

Ross Treadway: Someone? You mean, a psychiatrist? Oh boy, that’s a good one.. I’m crazy? The whole world is worshipping at the altar of some overrated has-been, and I’m nuts?! Whoa-oa-oa, that’s a good one! Wow-ow-ow! [ gives a creepy laugh ]

Brenda Krouse: Alright, it.. it.. it causes you so much pain. Why don’t you just quit the show?

Ross Treadway: I am! What, are you kidding? What do you think I am, a masochist?! Four more weeks, and I’m doing a different show. Because I don’t need the aggravation – I don’t need it!!

Brenda Krouse: Well, that’s great.. that’s great, Ross. What-what-what show will you be doing?

Ross Treadway: “Zorba the Greek”.

Brenda Krouse: Well.. best of luck to you, Ross. You know what? We’re out of time. [ laughs ] Good night, we’ll see you next time!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 28th, 1987

Valerie Bertinelli

Robert Cray Band

Edwin Newman

Eddie Van Halen

Robert Cray Band, “Smoking Gun”

Eddie Van Halen & G.E. Smith, “Stompin’ 8H”

Don Regan & Nancy Reagan

Don Regan (Kevin Nealon) & Nancy Reagan (Jan Hooks) have affair.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Valerie Bertinelli’s Monologue

Bertinelli is desperate to shed her girl-next-door image.

McSooshi

(Repeat) See: 12/13/86

Hard News Cafe

Journalists enjoy lunch at Hard News Cafe theme restaurant.

Recurring Characters: Sam Donaldson, Ted Koppel.

Discover

Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) is clueless about precious metals.

Recurring Characters: Peter Graves.

Dinner with the Van Halens

Roadies (Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller) secure dinner table.

Robert Cray Band performs “Smoking Gun”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Contest winner (Jon Lovitz) hangs out with David lee Roth (Dana Carvey).

Kevin Nealon gets to the point about filing income tax returns.

Chinge Change

Ching Change thinks stranger (Bertinelli) is the perfect woman.

Recurring Characters: Ching Change.

Eddie Van Halen & SNL Band perform “Stompin’ 8H”

Washington Center I

Plastic surgery patient (Nora Dunn) touts the clinic.

Let’s Go To The Movies

College coeds (Bertinelli, Jan Hooks) praise “The Color of Money”.

Washington Center II

Plastic surgery patient (Nora Dunn) praises in spite of mishaps.

On Broadway

Yul Brynner’s replacement (Phil Hartman) is barely given a chance.

Robert Cray Band performs “Right Next Door”

Incompetent Doctor

Incompetenet doctor (Jon Lovitz) wonders if he should have been an opera singer.

SNL Transcripts

Great Moments in the History of White Trash III

Clinton Johnson…..Kevin Nealon
Friend…..A. Whitney Brown

Announcer: And now, NBC presents another “Great Moment in the History of White Trash”.

[ open on Clinton Johnson and Friend eating donuts at lunch counter ]

Clinton Johnson: I could sit in here and eat donuts all day long.

Friend: I could, too. If I had the money.

Clinton Johnson: Yeah. Well, I got it made in the shade. I met a welfare mother with seven kids. The money’s just rollin’ in!

Friend: Are you fixin’ to marry her?

Clinton Johnson: Hell, no! They’d cut the benefits off like that! [ snaps finger ] I may be dumb, but I ain’t no fool. [ laughs ]

Friend: Hey, what say we go for a ride in your new Trans Am?

Clinton Johnson: Why not? The government’s payin’ for the gas!

[ they shake hands ]

[ SUPER: “Clinton Johnson, Welfare Cheat” ]

[ zoom into box in upper right-hand corner, as Willie Nelson appears in the remainder of the screen ]

Willie Nelson: Clinton Johnson sure was a no-account good-for-nothing. He went on to serve five years for kiting checks. Still, he was good people. This has been another Great Moment in the History of White Trash.

SNL Transcripts