Month: October 2018

News Bar

Bartender…..Brad Hall
Joe Piscopo…..Tom Snyder
Julia Louis-Dreyfus…..Linda Ellerbee
…..Edwin Newman

Bartender: Here’s some nuts.

Tom Snyder: Hey, hey, Elerbee! Pass those beer nuts. Don’t be greedy! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Linda Ellerbee: Ladies and gentlemen, some call it retirement. Some call it a permenent vacation. I call it unemployment. And so, I toast to tonight’s top story: Edwin Newman.

Tom Snyder: Okay, I’ll go for that. First I got canned, then Ellerbee got canned, now you got canned, Ed! Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s a small world! Ha! Actually, it’s a small network! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Edwin Newman: Actually, Tom, I retired voluntarily.

Tom Snyder: Yeah, you retired voluntarily, just like Nixon! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Linda Ellerbee: Well Ed, I must run. But first, this. To Edward Newan, great newsman, and so it goes, and so do I.

Edwin Newman: Goodnight, Linda.

Linda Ellerbee: Goodnight. And goodnight, for NBC News.

Tom Snyder: You know, Ed, that broad talks funny. Ha ha ha ha ha! Guess it’s time for me to buy you a drink. Hey, I wanna hear more about this “retirement” thing of yours. Right after this brief message. Now tell me about this firing – I mean retiring. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Edwin Newman: Well, I’ll tell you the truth, Tom. The news business is a new business these days.

Tom Snyder: Alright, alright, alright, I’ll go with that, Ed. I mean, in your day, an anchorman could also be a critic, a reporter, a commentator, I mean, nowadays, an anchorman can only do one thing; it’s a highly specialized skill.

Edwin Newman: Well, maybe if you call smiling a skill. Nowadays, how a man’s mouth looks is more important than what comes out of it. Networks..

[ singing ]

“Why can’t the networks teach the anchors how to speak?
‘Stead of telling them how to style their hair, pick a suit that’s chic?
They dress like fashion models, they all look like Mark Spitz,
And they sound as if they’d learned their English from Burlitz.
They read the news with foot in mouth, instead of tongue in cheek,
Why can’t the anchors learn to speak?”

Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, alright! Ha ha ha ha ha! Did you ever think of going on “Star Search?” Hey, Ed Newman and Ed MacMahon: News and Booze! Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, Ed, don’t you think you’re exaggerating a little bit?

Edwin Newman: Well, maybe a little, but I tell you what..
Tom Snyder: What?

Edwin Newman: If you give me a man with a nice voice, sufficiently nice voice, and good hair, I’ll turn him into a anchorperson.

Tom Snyder: Well, alright, sir. How about Blondy over there?

Edwin Newman: Well, I have seen more promising material.. but what the hell. It’s done, we’ve shaken.

Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s get this thing going here. Hey, bartender, get the over here.

Bartender: Yeah, got your beers here.

Tom Snyder: Well, me and my buddy here made a wager that he could turn anyone into a news anchorman. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Bartender: Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. I used to read the news on “Saturday Night Live”. Hi, I’m Brad Hall.

Edwin Newman: Bet’s off.

Tom Snyder: Now, Ed, we shook on it.

Edwin Newman: Well, okay. Young man, do you want to be a news anchorperson?

Bartender/Brad Hall: More than anything in the whole world!

[ singing ]

“All I want is a desk somewhere,
Thirty minutes of network air.
Somebody to come and spray my hair.
Oh, wouldn’t I be newsworthy?”

Edwin Newman: Wouldn’t “it” be newsworthy.

Brad Hall: Wouldn’t what be newsworthy?

Edwin Newman: Bet’s off.

Tom Snyder: C’mon. Now strictly speaking, strictly speaking.

Edwin Newman: Let’s try something, shall we? Now, Brad, who’s the leader of Iran?

Brad Hall: Iran. Let’s see…the Iacoca!

Edwin Newman: Ayatollah.

Brad Hall: Ayatollah. Right, Kadaffi.

Edwin Newman: Khomeni.

Brad Hall: Khomeni.

Edwin Newman: Now what does that mean to the people of Iran?

Brad Hall: Free dance lessons?

Edwin Newman: No, not quite. It means pain. Now repeat after me:

[ singing ]

“Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”

Brad Hall: “Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”

Edwin Newman: Try it again.

Brad Hall: “Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”

Edwin Newman: I think he’s got it!

Tom Snyder: Alright, I’ll buy that.

Brad Hall: “Homeini’s reign is mainly based on pain.”

Edwin Newman: Let’s try something a bit more difficult. Environmental pollution in the Northeast.

Brad Hall: Northeast.. um.. uh..
“Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain.”

Edwin Newman: By George, he’s got it.

Tom Snyder: If you say so, sir.

Brad Hall: “Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain.”

Edwin Newman: And where’s the acid rain?

Brad Hall: “In Maine! In Maine!”

Edwin Newman: And what can they do in Maine?

Brad Hall: “Complain! Complain!”

All: “Irainans’ pains come from mainly from Khomeini!”

Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

All: “Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain!”

Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 14

83n: Edwin Newman / Kool and the Gang

Hymietown

Jesse Jackson…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Jesse Jackson standing behind large podium ]

Jesse Jackson: Uhh — Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Jesse Jackson. Yes, I was recently quoted in the Washington Post as referring to a certain group of people… as Hymies. It also said that I called New York… Hymietown. I realize that kind of talk isn’t kosher. But let me see if I can explain it to you all… in song.

[ he grabs one of the podium’s microphones and saunters over in front of a trio of back-up singers ]

As I said, I’m Jes e Jackson, and I’m running for President of the United States. I’m a Libra, and this is a very special message to all you chosen people out there.

Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “No, no!”

Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “No, no, no, no.”

Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.” H ymietown

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“Well, well Hymietown.
I was your one and only until I read the news
Well, now I’m sad and lonely ’cause I put down the Jews
Well, we have so much in common
‘Cause we’ve both been so oppressed.”

Back-up Singers: “All right!”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“We both have big noses And gold chains on our chests I wanna say please now.”

Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I’m begging you, please.”

Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I’m down on my knees, well, well, well, well.”

Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Hymietown.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“well, well… Hymietown.

I want to form a new coalition,
of soul people and bagel people.
From the Chitlin’ District, to the Diamond District.
From catfish to gefilte fish.
We all need to live as one.
I want to look out over the crowd and s ee both leather hats and yarmulkes side by side.
So come on, you brothers and sisters…
all you hymies and hymettes…”

Back-up Singers:
“Let’s get it together
Yeah!”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Let’s bring it all down, well, well, well.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I wanna talk about love for one another.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Want to form a soul and kosher coalition.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I love those black suits you wear.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “And them little tiny curls that hang down in your hair.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “You know we all need one another.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I want to stay right here in Hymietown, well, well.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“With all my hymie brothers and sisters
Sometimes I feel a little hymie myself.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Baruch ata adonai.”

Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Hymietown!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 25th, 1984

Edwin Newman

Kool & The Gang

Harry Anderson

Kool & The Gang, “Celebration”

Salon Dion

Recurring Characters: Dion Dion, Blaire.

Edwin Newman’s Monologue

Buddweiser Light

(Repeat) See: 02/11/84.

“Hymietown”

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Suicide Hotline

Fur

(Repeat) See: 03/20/82.

News Bar

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Kool & The Gang perform “Joanna”

Speaking Freely

Saturday Night News with Edwin Newman

Recurring Characters: Worthington Clotman.

Kid Halpern

Kool & The Gang perform “Celebration”

Urban Answers

Back in the Day

Face The Press

Harry Anderson

Jacoby Escort Service

SNL Transcripts

Joel Hodgson

…..Joel Hodgson

Joel Hodgson: Do you remember when we were little, and we’d take tin cans and put ’em together and make a telephone? (He reaches into large brown case and pulls out two cans with metal rods sticking out of the top) Do you? Well, they’re cordless now.

Here’s an impression I’d like to do for you. (He takes a small mechanical woodpecker and attaches it to his forehead.) I’m a tree. (Woodpecker starts pecking at his head.)

Hey, look. (He pulls out a gaudy orange and black tie.) They finally found Fred Flintstone’s tie.

This is a new trick I just made up. (He turns around, placing something around his neck.) It’s something I designed for the active priest. All right? (He turns back around and shows a black and white priest’s collar under his jacket. He then pulls the collar up, revealing it is a visor you can then put on your head.)

Now, I don’t know if any of you have pets at home, but when my goldfish are good to me, I like to be good to them. (He moves over to a record player and places a small fish tank with two goldfish in it on the turntable. He turns the turntable on, and the fish tank starts slowly spinning around) This allows them to lie perfectly still while the water rushes around ’em.

This is a new trick. It’s my impression of an electric pencil sharpener. What I have is an ordinary unsharpened pencil. (He pulls out an unsharpened pencil, sticks it up his nose, and then makes a whirring sound. After a few seconds, He then pulls a sharpened pencil out of his nose, the unsharpened cap of the pencil stuck in his nose. He then tries to “snort” the unsharpened cap of the pencil into his coat pocket. He misses.)

Okay, how many — here’s a trick you’ve never seen before, and you’ll never, ever see again.

(He takes a container and puts it over his head. It has a hole in the top, a handle on the side and two rollers in front. He then turns the handle, and a flat, rubberized face comes out from between the rollers. He then takes the face, shows it to the audience, and places it back in the hole in the top of the machine. He takes the contraption off his head, rubbing his face in pain.) I hate that trick.

Okay, I happen to be a master at making balloon animals. (He pulls a long, thin balloon out of his bag, also showing a large bag of the balloons waiting to be blown up.) I make, like, over 100 different balloon animals, and I’d like to do ’em all for you right now. Since I can make so many different balloon animals, I’d like someone from the audience to name a real exotic animal that you’d like to see me make.

Audience Member: A woodchuck!

Joel Hodgson: Besides a woodchuck. (The audience starts shouting out suggestions. One audience member shouts out snake, and Joel gives him a look. He then reaches into his bag, pulling out a Mr. Potato Head.)

Hey, this is you, okay? What do you want me to make? Really. (Audience starts shouting out suggestions again). Elephant? All right, I’ll make an elephant. You said elephant, right?

Okay, long or short-haired? Oh, yeah.

Audience Member: Long hair.

Joel Hodgson: Long hair? Okay, a long-haired elephant. (He has blown the balloon out to his full length). One, two, three, go. (He quickly starts twisting the balloon, moving it around.) I make over 100 different balloon animals, but they all end up looking like little dogs. (He shows the animal he made, which resembles a small poodle, complete with puffy tail tip. He then hands the animal to the audience member who made the suggestion of the elephant.) I want that guy who said snake to come up here. Will you come up here? Come on, you can give him a round of applause. Come on up here.

(The member of the audience, a man, joins Joel on stage as the audience applauds.)

Just stand right there. Stand right there. (He and the audience member take their positions on either side of table. He then brings out a Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots game.) Okay, this is Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. All right, and you have to try to knock my block off. (He takes his position as the blue robot, while the audience member takes the controls as the red robot) All right? One, two, three, go! (He and the audience member’s robots start punching one another.) Not so rough. Let’s take a break. (The audience member lets go of his controls, and He takes advantage by pushing his robot’s controls, knocking the head back of the audience member’s robot) All right. Thank you. You know, I always win this game, though, ’cause I taped his head down. (He points to his blue robot. The audience laughs and applauds.)

(Fade to black.)

Submitted by Fran Smith

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 13

83m: Jamie Lee Curtis / The Fixx

El Dorko

….. Jamie Lee Curtis
Myron …. Tim Kazurinsky
Mike Phillips ….. Brad Hall
Rory ….. Gary Kroeger
Becky ….. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Waitress ….. Mary Gross

[ Open on Jamie Lee Curtis and her publicist, Myron, sitting at a table in a restaurant. Jamie isn’t too pleased. ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: Myron, I hate this.

Myron: Come on, Jamie, relax. This sort of thing is great publicity. You saw how the public responded to the “Win a Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest. I’m talking over 500,000 entries, honey.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Yeah, well, why couldn’t the winner have come from Palm Springs? Why does he have to come from Cedar Rapids, Iowa? What’s this guy look like, anyway?

Myron: I do not know. He’ll be wearing a pink carnation, is all I know.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Do I have to kiss him if he’s gross-looking?

Myron: The rules say just a goodnight kiss, and no chaperones, so I’m going back to the motel. I’m tired. Thank you. [ gets up from his seat ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: All right, I’ll see you in no less than an hour.

Myron: Okay, be good.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I’ll break your legs.

[ Myron leaves. Enter Rory, wearing a pink carnation on his shirt. ]

Rory: Ahem, um, excuse me, Miss Lee Curtis?

Jamie Lee Curtis: What? Oh … you must be my date.

Rory: Yeah. Whew … well I gotta tell ya … [ sits down next to her ] I’m pretty nervous about this thing. Whew.

Jamie Lee Curtis: It’s all right. Don’t be nervous. I’m Jamie Lee Curtis. [ shakes his hand ]

Rory: Yeah, I know. My name’s Rory. [ she lets go of his hand ] But you’ll probably end up calling me El Dorko.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, I don’t understand.

Rory: Well, that’s what the guys at school call me. They call my buddy Stinky, ’cause one time a stink bomb went off in his face and well, he could never completely get rid of the smell. [ chuckles ] Now he smells like sulfur. He’s gonna be coming by in just awhile to meet ya —

Jamie Lee Curtis: No no no, really, that’s okay, I gotta go. [ she attempts to leave, but he stops her in her tracks ]

Rory: Oh, you know, I have admired you very much, ever since the movie Halloween. Every time I see a psychopathic killer, I think of you. [ chuckles ] I think that’s pretty funny. Um, I also loved you very much in Prom Night. I guess that’s ’cause it kinda reminded me of my own prom. [ Jamie looks concerned ] You see, well, my date, she poured honey all over me and, and then de-pantsed me. They’re always de-pantsing me.

Jamie Lee Curtis: That’s terrible! What kind of girls do you date?

Rory: Well, in this particular case it was my sister. I don’t go out with girls too much ’cause well, whenever I ask ’em out they always say no. Sometimes they even puke. This one girl had apparently been eatin’ peanuts, ’cause they don’t digest very well —

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ cuts him off, giggling ] No, no, no, really, that’s all right …

[ The waitress comes by to refill their water glasses. ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: Thanks.

Waitress: Can I take your order? [ spills a little water ] Whoops —

Rory: That’s all right.

Waitress: [ suddenly notices him ] Rory!

Rory: Hi.

Waitress: Hi! [ amorous ] How come you haven’t called?

Rory: Um, I’ve been pretty busy.

Waitress: [ gasp ] Isn’t that Jamie Lee Curtis?

Rory: Um, yes, as a matter of fact, it is. She is my date this evening.

Waitress: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis, star-struck ] Oh no — whooaaa. I adored you in Halloween. But I had to leave early. What happened after the first ten minutes?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, well you see … [ explains the plot to her ]

[ Enter Mike and Becky behind the table ]

Mike: Hey hey hey, it’s El Dorko! [ slaps Rory’s shoulder and shoves his head ]

Rory: Good evening, friends.

Becky: [ gasps, gets closer to Mike ] Oh God, Mike, he’s with Jamie Lee Curtis!

Rory: How ya doin’?

Mike: Hey Dorko … how come you’re with Jamie Lee Curtis?

Rory: Well, I … I just asked her out.

Mike: What, and she didn’t puke? What’s she doing in Cedar Rapids?

Rory: Um, well, I’m not really sure about that. I think she might have an uncle in town or something.

Becky: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis ] Hey … what are you doing out with El Dorko?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Oh, Rory won the “Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest in Tiger Beat magazine.

Becky: Tiger Beat? [ she and Mike laugh out loud, as Mike slaps Rory’s head ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ touches Rory’s arm ] I’m sorry, Rory, I hope I didn’t embarrass you.

Rory: It’s okay, I’m really pretty used to it.

Mike: Hey, hey, Dorko, Dorko, stand up! [ walks around the table as Becky takes the pitcher of water from the waitress ]

Rory: Here it comes …

Mike: Come on!

[ Rory stands up. Becky hands Mike the pitcher of water, and pulls down Rory’s pants. ]

Mike: Hey, here’s some fun! [ Pours the pitcher of water down Rory’s boxer shorts. Mike laughs, throws some water in Rory’s face. ] See ya, Dorko! [ Laughs as he and Becky leave. The waitress follows them, also laughing ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: That was just AWFUL!

Rory: Like I said, I’m pretty used to it.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, why don’t you stand up to ’em?

Rory: Oh, I don’t dare talk back to ’em. One time I did, and the next day in gym class, they spread deep-heating rub in my jock. Even to this day, I might not be capable of having children.

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ runs her fingers through his hair ] Rory, you know, you are so bright and sensitive, you know, you have qualities that they can only dream about. You know, look, I gotta get back, I gotta get to the airport early and I need some sleep …

Rory: Yeah … yeah …

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ softly touches his chest, then his face ] … but I just want you to know that I think you’re really a special kind of guy.

Rory: Um, according to the contest rules, I believe that I am supposed to receive a goodnight kiss.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I’d kiss you even if I didn’t have to. [ gives him a deep kiss ] Oh … you know, that was terrific. [ takes off his glasses and kisses him again, this time more passionately ] You are just a great kisser! [ she jumps into his arms and they start making out. The waitress comes back and sees them. ]

Waitress: Can I take your — [ signals for Mike and Becky to come over ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: [ moans ] Oh … lookit, I have to be getting back to the hotel. And I don’t have to leave till ten in the morning, so … if you want to come by later, I’m in room 28. [ hands him the hotel key and gives him another brief kiss ] Ciao, baby. [ She leaves. Mike, Becky and the waitress stand there in awe, jaws dropped. ]

Mike: Unbelievable! … How do you do it?

Rory: Hey, I really wanna thank you guys for coming by. I tell ya, this couldn’t have worked out better if we’d planned it. Excuse me now … [ holds up the hotel key ] … I have an appointment. Ciao. [ leaves ]

Mike: Unbelievable. El Dorko …

[ Mike, Becky and the waitress all scratch their heads in unison. Fade to black. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 18th, 1984

Jamie Lee Curtis

The Fixx

Joel Hodgson

Jim Belushi Breakdance Rap

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Monologue

Rubik’s Grenade

(Repeat) See: 12/11/82.

It!

Acting Out Video Scenes

Texxon Oil

(Repeat) See: 02/26/83.

El Dorko

Recurring Characters: El Dorko.

The Julia Show

Joel Hodgson

Reagan’s Workout

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Verbal Rehearsal

The Fixx perform “One Thing Leads To Another”

Saturday Night News

Recurring Characters: Wayne Huevos.

Persons Express

Horror Musical

Where Are They Now?

The Fixx perform “Red Skies at Night”

“Prose & Cons”

(Repeat) See: 10/03/81.

SNL Transcripts

Wild Kingdom of Heaven

Dr. Farrow Oaklin … Robin Williams
1st Woman … Mary Gross
2nd Woman … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
3rd Woman … Robin Duke

[Organ music. Oily, big-haired televangelist Dr.Farrow Oaklin, in powder blue suit, addresses thecamera with thick Southern accent.]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Good evening, friends! …Is there someone in your household who’s in need ofthe Lord? Someone who has strayed from the path,turned against his loved ones, chewed up the furnitureor made sissy on the Persian rug? Well, then, friends,I want you to pick up that troubled house pet, put hispaws on the television so he may feel his Master’svoice here on “Wild Kingdom of Heaven”! [SUPER: WildKingdom of Heaven]

Don Pardo V/O: Wild Kingdom of Heaven –featuring the evangelical veterinarian Dr. FarrowOaklin!

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [basks in applause, imitatesa cat] Thank you, my pets, whether you be furred orfeathered! Come on down, take anything you need! Thankyou for the warmth of your welcome. You know, forthose of you with faith, there’re no runts in thelitter of the Lord! Now, who will be the first to behealed?! [1st Woman enters, carrying an adorable dogto the televangelist’s podium as the crowd oohs andahhs] Oh, yes! What is his name?

1st Woman: Fluffy.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Fluffy. Yes. And what isFluffy’s affliction?

1st Woman: He doesn’t obey.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Oh, no! [holds Fluffy whotries to get away from him] You know, Fluffy,disobedience is the devil’s milk bone. You can’t playfetch with the devil because he always fakes thethrow. I’m over here, Fluffy, come on back now! [takesFluffy in his arms] You know, Fluffy, I want you torecite your Ten Commands with me right now. Are youready? Thou shalt stay! Thou shalt sit! Thou shalt nottug at thy master’s leash! Thou shalt not make strangeofferings in thy house or thy neighbor’s house! Andthou shalt not mount thy master’s leg! Do youunderstand me? [to the woman] And now, is he ready tobe healed?

1st Woman: Yes, he is.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Are you ready, Fluffy?[Fluffy struggles to get away] Hold on, you’re notgettin’ away now! Fluffy, are you ready to speak now,Fluffy? Speak! Speak, Fluffy! [Fluffy does not speak,to the woman] The dog is mute, is he not? [Woman nods]Well, bring him back next week, we’ll tryagain!

1st Woman: All right. [Woman takes Fluffy whofinally yelps – she exits with the dog]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [watches them go] Come onhome, Fluffy. Take him back to that happy litter box,you know what I’m sayin’! Who is the next one to behealed here tonight? [2nd Woman brings out a whitecat] Ohhh, look! A fallen feline!

2nd Woman: Yes.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: What is his name?

2nd Woman: Well, this is Jennifer and she’simpossible. She’s ruined the couch, she refuses to usethe litter box and now she’s developedhairballs.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Hairballs! Oh, no! Jennifer,you have licked yourself in only a way that kittiescan! [holds the cat in his hands] Well, come to me,Jennifer, now. You know you have wandered through thealley of the shadow of death, have you not, now?Jennifer, I want to do something special, I’m gonnamake the demon hairball be gone. [coughs and screecheslike a cat, turns to woman] YES! It is gone now![gives the cat back to the grateful woman] She feelsit! Take some holy litter with you! Go on through!Thank you!

[Woman exits with cat. Organ music begins. Thetelevangelist addresses the camera again.]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: You know, friends! Ourministry does some wonderful things but maintainingkennels in Africa and building pet seminaries costsmoney. That’s why I must ask for your contributions.For every ten dollar donation you send us, you’llreceive this replica of the original Shroud of Lassie![holds up a tan blanket with an image of Lassie]That’s right! A woolen dog blanket bearing theresemblance of the most wonderful collie the world hasever known. And, also, if you send us twenty-fivedollars, you’ll receive this album, “Hymns That OnlyDogs Can Hear.” [holds up record album entitled “HymnsOnly Dogs Can Hear” with photo of the RCA Victor dogon the cover] And a copy of my new book, “Bark If YouLove Jesus”! [holds up the book] Come on home. I thinkwe’re ready for our next pilgrim. Come on down, comeon down. [3rd Woman enters with bucket of friedchicken] What is his name?

3rd Woman: Plucky.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Plucky!

3rd Woman: Yes, he – he ran away about a weekago and this is how I found him.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Well, Plucky! [pulls a friedchicken leg out of the bucket] Looks like Plucky’salready seen the fires of hell! Well, he’s been dippedin the seven spices! You know this! Many of you say,”No, Plucky’s history! There’s no hope for him.” Donot despair! [mangles his next line] Because thanks tothe new Curlin Harnell Sanders– Colonel– [ad libs]I’m struck with tongue! [struggles to continue] Thanksto the new Curlin’ – Colonel Harlan Sanders! [to theLord above] Thank you! [to the crowd] Thank you![cheers and applause] To his Memorial Burn Unit,Plucky can have a second chance. You know?! Butartificial giblets and skin grafts cost money so,friends, I want you to send your free will donationhere to me, Dr. Farrow Oaklin. So, come on home tothis very station right here! We’ll be here next week!And remember: All of us are pets in the House of theLord but few of us can sleep on the couch! So, come onhome! [screeches like a cat] YES!

[Organ music swells, cheers and applause as we pullback and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Rock & Roll & Then Some

Buzzy Free…..Joe Piscopo
Clarence Walker…..Eddie Murphy

Buzzy Free: Hi, everybody! This is Buzzy Free, and welcome to “Rock & Roll & Then Some” Our guest today ish ere because it’s the 20th anniversary of the Beatles invasion of America. His name is Clarence Walker, and he claims that he conceived the group’s image and wrote most of the music. And was, in fact, the fifth Beatle and head singer before being kicked out of the group in 1963. Hello, Clarence.

Clarence Walker: Hello, man.

Buzzy Free: So. You “invented” The Beatles?

Clarence Walker: Yeah, man, I was ripped off by the whole group, and the whole group got a behind kicking coming to them when I see ’em! I been lookin’ for them boys since 1962, and that’s why they got that around-the-clock security in their house, ’cause they know that when Clarence Walker find ‘me, he gonna take a chunk out of their behind!

Buzzy Free: Okay, Clarence. Can you prooove you were the fifth Beatle?

Clarence Walker: Yes, I can prove it, man. And I suggest you take that sarcasm out your voice alright? I’m serious!

Buzzy Free: I’m sorry, Clarence, it’s just.. the whole thing seems absurd —

Clarence Walker: Yeah, well say it seems absurd, then, man! Don’t patronize me, alright? ‘Cause I’ll kick your behind right here on national television! I was the fifth Beatle! I have proof!

Buzzy Free: Alright, what is that proof, Clarence?

Clarence Walker: Well, here’s a photograph of us, back in 1962. Before they kicked me out of the group.

[ Clarence holds up doctored photo of The Beatles in a studio session, with Clarence on saxophone in the middle ]

Clarence Walker: That’s John.. that’s Ringo.. that’s me in the middle, that’s me, Clarance.. that’s George.. and that’s Paul.

Buzzy Free: Well, now, I never heard any saxophone – I see you’re holding a sax, I never heard a saxophone in any early Beatles music..

Clarence Walker: Are you crazy, man? most of them early songs was mostly sax, man! But they stole it from me! What they did was – they took my voice out, they took the saxophone out – it was gone, alright? I did most of the lead vocals, too, alright? Let me tell you something – when I see them boys, I’m gonna put my foot so deep into them, their breath’s gonna smell like shoe polish!

Buzzy Free: Well, can you give us an example of what you wrote, and what they changed?

Clarence Walker: Yes, I can! “She Loves You”, was originally titled “She Loves You, Man.” And “Help”, was originally titled “Help Me, Man!” And “She’s Got A Ticket To Ride”, was originally “She’s Got A Ticket To Ride And The Bitch Don’t Care, Man”!

Buzzy Free: Clarence.. what about the clothing, and they way they wore their hair?

Clarence Walker: All that is my idea! I molded those boys – I was the msot dominant one! See, that was the way we was described back then! John was the wise guy, Paul was the cute one, George was the quiet one, and Ringo was the shy one. And Clarence was the most dominant one. I’m older than the boys! In the beginning, they used to everything that I did! In fact, here’s a picture of us back in 1961, when they was called The Clarences!

[ Clarence holds up doctored photo of him and The Beatles sporting afros with “The Clarences” written on the photo ]

Clarence Walker: See, that’s me right there.. and that’s George.. there’s John.. that’s Ringo.. and that’s Paul. I taught them how to pick there afros and everything out, man! Paul still use Afro Sheen because of me!

Buzzy Free: Well.. this is astonishing.. I wonder if you have any of your early jam sessions —

Clarence Walker: Yes, I do! Yes, I do! I brought some of the early music, and I have it in a medley form, so you can listen it. You can hear us and our original jam sessions. Listen to the original Beatles here. Listen up!

[ Clarence turns on a tape recorder ]

[ saxophone sounds are heard over “I Want To Hold Your Hand” ]

Beatles: “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”

Voice of Clarence: Ha! Come on, y’all!

Beatles: “Oh, yeah, I’ll!”

Voice of Clarence: Man!

Beatles: Tell you something!

Voice of Clarence: Man!

Beatles: I think you’ll understand!

[ medley moves on to “Love Me Do” ]

Beatles: “Love, love me do..”

Voice of Clarence: [ speaking ]
My darling, I will truly love me, if you love me do.
And I will always, always be true
If you’ll just give your love to me
And always remember to just..
Love me.. do!

Beatles: “Oh, love me do..”

Voice of Clarence: You so sexy!

[ Buzzy interrupts Clarence’s tape ]

Buzzy Free: Clarence.. Clarence, I gotta tell you – that really doesn’t prove anything. I mean, you could have dubbed that over, I’m sorry.

Clarence Walker: I didn’t dub that over, man! That’s original music! If you want to hear something else, just to prove that they stole it from me and they know that they ripped me off, I can play this thing backwards, and you can hear them talking about it! you can hear John Lennon, I’ll play it backwards, listen really close!

[ Clarence plays his tape in reverse ]

Voice of John Lennon: Hey, Paul! Let’s get rid of Clarence and steal all his good ideas!

Voice of Paul McCartney: Yeah!

Buzzy Free: Well! I’ll tell you, Clarence – you’ve convinced me, and I hope you get everything that you deserve.

Clarence Walker: Well, thanks a lot, man. You see, I don’t want much, I’m a very modest man, you know? All I want to do is get my rent straight, get my head together. All I need is about seven grand – $7,200 to get straight, that’s all I want. I ain’t greedy.

Buzzy Free: About seven grand..?

Clarence Walker: Seven grand, that’s all I need. But they got behind kickin’s comin’ to them!

Buzzy Free: Good luck to you! This is Buzzy Free!

Clarence Walker: I want a chunk out of each of your behinds!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Paula Poundstone Stand-Up

… Paula Poundstone

Robin Williams: Ladies and gentlemen, here’s avery, very special lady, a good friend of mine fromSan Francisco, Miss Paula Poundstone.

[Applause for schnooky brunette stand-up comic in amannish gray suit who enters and grabs a microphonefrom a stool.]

Paula Poundstone: Thanks very much. Thanks verymuch! It’s really nice to be here. I’m havin’ aterrific time already. I love it here. Nice crisp,cold weather like that. I live in San Francisco, Ihate it. It’s, uh, it’s like foggy and rainy and coldall the time. [Someone in the crowd goes “Awwwww!”]This year, it rained January through April. I don’tthink I’m a wimp about weather. When it first startedto rain, I said, “Terrific. It’s sort of romantic,really. I’ll break up an old chair for kindling, buy abottle of wine, sit in front of the fire for the day.”Two months later, a hopeless alcoholic with nofurniture … No more of this for me but thanks. Itrains there. We had blackouts. My lights went out onenight. I was all by myself in the house. I – I freakedout. I said, “There’s a guy in the basement. Heflipped a switch. He’s comin’ up to kill me and that’sall there is to it.” Then I looked out the window andI saw the whole neighborhood was out and I was kind ofrelieved ’cause I thought maybe he’ll start at the endof the block. …

Kind of a raving paranoiac and I admit that openly. I,uh– That’s why I never used to drive. I had a licensefor six years and I never drove ’cause I alwaysthought that I would hurt somebody. And finally Idecided, I don’t care, I don’t even like people thatmuch. … If a couple people have to die because Ihave to get to a Jack-in-the-Box, I’m sorry. … I,uh, I’m only kidding. I’ve actually really tried to besafe about this. I took driving lessons with Norm fromSears Driving School. And I’m still a really baddriver. When I parallel park, I have to use up a tankof gas. … And I have to take up a couple o’ lanesfor a little while. I don’t want to — I haveto. That’s the only way I can do it. I bring thoseorange detour cones, put ’em out in the area I’m gonnabe usin’ … and I get to work. Fortunately, my cardoesn’t have power steering so I can actually loseweight while parking … which is helpful. And peopleare so mean to me: Even if they can pull around me,they won’t. They pull up and yell. Like I’m therapyfor everyone. I don’t like this. … I don’t know whatthey’re so mad about. I’m the one whocan’t drive. … I’m furious! I roll down my windowand get into it with them. I say, “Hey! What thehell do I think I’m doin’ here?! … Am I gonnamove my butt or am I gonna have to move it for me?!… Where’d I learn to drive anyway — Sears?!”…

My car actually has been a total nightmare. I’ve hadit for– It’s my very first car. I’ve had it for fourand a half months and it’s been in the shoptwenty-three times. … The brakes have been donethree times. Obviously, I’m being ripped off but Idon’t know enough on the subject to, er, to argue withthe mechanics. All I know is that I vacuum it twice aweek, so it’s not the interior. … See, don’t evenbother checkin’ that carpeting, that baby’s clean butthank you so much. … I fixed one thing myselfonce. Ah, used to make a noise when you hit the brakeand so I put in a stereo. … It’s really not aproblem any more. Actually, having a car has made meappreciate walking, for one thing. I, uh– The otherday, I walked smack into a tree. I said, “Good thingI’m not drivin’.” … Probably saved a couple thou’right there. [cheers and applause] Thanks. Thanks,that was a very special moment and I think we touchedright then. … Not – not physically, ’cause thatwould be gross. …

Yeah, I actually think my best friend in the wholeworld is my car, though. I named it “Dave” after myfriend Evan. And, uh … I don’t know, I know thatthat’s kind of weird and I figure someday it’s gonnabreakdown and then I’ll have a breakdown rightafterwards. And they’ll find me standing on the sideof the road ranting and raving, yelling at it like I’mits parent. Saying, [as if to a child] “Do you haveyou any idea how much money I’ve spent on you thismonth alone, hm? … I give and give and give to you.Could you maybe take me two, three more miles? Oh, no!… Look at all the other cars — they’re moving! …Had to have brake shoes. I buy them for you. You won’twear them!” …

It’s so frustrating ’cause I think mechanics are thebiggest rip-off in the entire world and, uh, they canget away with it. [applause] Now they’ve gone and madeus mad! No, they do. They get away with it likecriminals get away with everything. Remember the fivehundred and sixty pound criminal who was released fromjail because he had asthma? So, jail was “bad” forhim? … Who made up this rule? … I thought that wasthe whole idea – was that jail was at least supposedto be a little bit bad for ya. … Apparently,not any more. Apparently, now, it’s like, “Sorry! Gotclaustrophobia. Can’t go. Wish I could. Sorry.” …”Electric chair? No way! Even a heating pad givesme a rash!” … And they let Hinckley off. Andthen Sirhan Sirhan, the guy who shot Robert Kennedywas actually up for parole again this year. Not onlythat, he told the parole board he thought if Kennedywere alive today, he would speak in his favor and say”Let the guy go.” What a tough break, huh? The one guywho woulda supported this guy — and he shot him! …[applause]

You’ve been a terrific crowd. Thank you very much.Thanks a lot.

[cheers and applause – fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Patty’s Place

Patty Gordon … Mary Gross
Deborah Scott … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Dale Butterworth … Tim Kazurinsky

[SUPER: Patty’s Place – Music: Freddy “Boom-Boom”Cannon’s 1963 pop song “Patty Baby” – Talk show set.Host Patty Gordon is flanked by two guests.]

Patty Gordon: Hello! I’m Patty Gordon! Andwelcome to Patty’s Place! Tonight, my guests…

Deborah Scott: Uh huh. That’s right,Patty.

Patty Gordon: Uh … are two very uniquepeople. They’re both suffering from a raredisease that causes them to be out of syncwith the rest of the world. Imagine that! For example,this is Deborah Scott. She’s actually living thirtyseconds ahead of the rest of us. Isn’t thatright, Deborah? [Deborah ignores Patty and stares intospace] Oh, uh, of course, uh, she’s already answered,see? [chuckles] And this is Dale Butterworth. He’sliving thirty seconds behind the rest of us.Welcome to the show, Dale. [Dale does not respond]

Deborah Scott: Oh, that’s a good idea,Patty.

Patty Gordon: No, actually, I was talking to,uh– Oh, oh, I see! Oh, my! This is confusing!Ha! Well, uh, why don’t we let Dale, you know, um,catch up with us later and I’ll start with you,Deborah. All right? [Deborah does not respond] Oh, oh,of course, you’ve already responded to that![chuckles] Oh, my! [chuckles]

Dale Butterworth: Thank you. It’s a pleasure tobe here.

Patty Gordon: Oh, my!

Deborah Scott: [laughs] That’s very funny,Dale! That’s great! [chuckles]

Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] What? He saidsomething funny? Oh! Oh, I see! He’s going tosay something funny. [to the audience] Well, maybe weshould just, uh, wait for it.

[Long pause as Patty waits for Dale’s comment whichfinally comes:]

Dale Butterworth: You know, Deborah and Ishould start a singing group. Uh, we could sing roundslike “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Patty Gordon: Oh, yes. [ironic, to Dale] Veryamusing. Heh. [ironic, to the crowd] Well, worthwaiting for!

Deborah Scott: [points to Dale in horror] Ewww!Oh, God! Look at him! That is disgusting! Oh, Ican’t believe it!

Patty Gordon: [panicking] What? What? What ishe doing? What’s he going to do? Oh! Oh, boy!Oh! Oh, my! Oh!

[As Deborah winces, Patty watches as Dale rears backand sneezes into a handkerchief. When he lowers thehandkerchief, a long white string of snot is revealed,dangling from one nostril. The Studio 8H crowd roarsits disgust.]

Patty Gordon: [horrified] Ohhhhh! Excuse me!Ohhhh! Mr. Butterworth, you’ve got – you’ve got athing there! You’ve got a– Oh, he can’t hear me! Hecan’t hear me – yet! I mean, I gotta sit herefor thirty seconds with that– This is NOT goodTV!

Deborah Scott: [gasps, points at Dale] Oh!now look at him! Oh, my God! Look at what he’sdoing! I’m gonna be sick!

Patty Gordon: [panicking, to Deborah] What?What’s he gonna do?

Deborah Scott: Look at that!

Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] Is it really bad?Should – should I just say “Good night”?

Deborah Scott: Oh, God, I can’t believeit! Ewww!

Patty Gordon: Oh, no! Oh, my! Oh, we’d bettergo! Uh oh! Oh oh! See you next week on Patty’s Place!Oh, my!

[Music: “Patty Baby” – Cheers and applause as we pullback – SUPER: Patty’s Place – and, just before wedissolve to a bumper card, we catch a glimpse of Dalelifting the string of snot to his mouth to eatit.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts