Month: October 2018

Saturday Night News with Robin Williams

…..Robin Williams
…..Brad Hall
Jesse Donnally…..Jim Belushi
…..Tim Kazurinsky

Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson Robin Williams!

Robin Williams: Gracious, muchachos! Welcome! Thank you!

Most of the news has already been picked up by 7 o’clock news, 11 o’clock news, Ted Turner’s cable news channel, and tomorrow’s newspapers have already come out.. but we’ll do our best to give you what we can!

[ show early photo of The Beatles ]
Twenty years ago this week, The Beatles came to America. As you can see, this picture was taken just before Clarence Walker joined the group.

[ show photo of Brad Hall ]
Now, correspondent Brad Hall has filed a very special report. Brad? Here’s to you?

[ cut to filmed footage of Brad Hall standing on a New York street ]

Brad Hall: This is Brad Hall, filing a special report on crime. I’m standing in the streets of New York City – streets virtually teeming with violent crime. In fact, statistics show, that in New York, a man is mugged every 11 seconds. I would now like you to meet that man. His name is Jesse Donnally, and he’s mugged every 11 seconds. Jesse, welcome.

Jesse Donnally: Hi, Brad.. thank you.

Brad Hall: Tell me, Jesse – do you actually get mugged every 11 seconds?

Jesse Donnally: Well, Brad, uh.. that’s the average, but, uh.. sometimes I go for more than a minute or so without getting —

[ suddenly, a mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, mugs him and runs off. Jeese collects his composure and stands back up before Brad. ]

Jesse Donnally: — 11 seconds or so.. is pretty accurate.

Brad Hall: Do you have any idea why criminals like to choose you do often?

Jesse Donnally: Gee, Brad.. you know, I never really thought about it. I guess I’m just an unlucky person, you know? And —

[ suddenly, another mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, mugs him and runs off ]

Brad Hall: [ helps Jesse to his feet ] I suppose you’re used to this?

Jesse Donnally: Uh, well.. it’s hard to get used to it, you know? It’s hard to go to work, you know.. with this kind of stuff going on..

Brad Hall: Well, exactly what do you do?

Jesse Donnally: Uh.. I’m a marriage counselor.

Brad Hall: Oh. Are you married yourself?

Jesse Donnally: Uh.. yes, yes. You know, it was really hard getting through the wedding ceremony, with —

[ suddenly, another mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, seizes his jacket and runs off ]

Brad Hall: Is it actually money that criminals are usually looking for?

Jesse Donnally: Yeah. Definitely money they want. That’s why I carry an instant credit card, you know, to go to the bank and get the cash —

[ a little girl comes along, mugs Jesse, and runs off ]

Jesse Donnally: — for emergencies.. I like to do that.

Brad Hall: Well.. thank you for spending some of your valuable time with us.

Jesse Donnally: Thank you, Brad.

Brad Hall: Good luck to you in the near future.

Jesse Donnally: Good luck to you, Brad.

[ once again, a mugger comes along and hits up Jesse ]

Brad Hall: Crime. It affects all of us. And it affects Jesse Donnally every 11 seconds. This is Brad Hall, for SNL News, in New York. [ turns to see Jesse getting mugged yet again ] Yeah, 11 seconds – right on time!

[ back to Robin Williams in the studio ]

Robin Williams: Thank you, Brad! Thank you very much!

The Oscar nominations will be announced this week, and it’s rumored that Jack Nicholson is very nervous. He’s been known to say: [ in Nicholson voice ] “I’m so damn happy to be nominated, it cuts through all the bovine residue in Hollywood!”

But.. the big news this week is.. yes, Yuri Andropov is dead. He’s bought the collective farm, as they say. Yes. The Kremlin is now considering candidates for Yuri Andropov’s successor. Possible replacements include party beaurocrat Constantine Ivan Chernenko.. economic reformer Gregory “Boom-Boom” Romanov.. one of the younger possibilities, Mikhail “Cha Cha” Gorbachev.. also, tough guy Charles Bronson.. “M*A*S*H” favorite, Jamie Farr.. and Bullwinkle’s nemesis , Boris Badenov.

Also, in Poland today, Warsaw Geneal Jankowski gave this very moving eulogy: [ holds up face-painted hand and uses Senor Casa voice ] “For me, he is great, great friend. It is very difficult for me to say this.. but I felt like I was his right hand! Bless you!”

Thank you, General Jankowski! Now, here is Tim Kazurinsky, our on-the-spot correspondent. Tim! Take it away, boy!

Tim Kazurinsky: Thank you, Robin.

Robin Williams: Not bad for a dollar!

Tim Kazurinsky: [ laughs ] You know. I thought I could trust The New York Post. Under the leadership of Rupert Murdoch, the Post has given us such memorable headlines as.. [ holds up newspaper ] “The Sheiks Hit The Fan!” And.. “Khomeini’s Kamikazes.” And, my personal favorite: “Grandmother Dies of AIDS.” So, yesterday, when the Post ame out with the headline.. “Andropov Dead”.. I was shocked! It’s clear, it’s concise, it’s factual. In every way, it’s a departure from what I’ve come to expect from The Post. They even spelled his name right.

What happened? Why didn’t they report Yuri’s death like this: [ holds up fake headlines ] “Russia Goes Topless”. “Iron Curtain Call”. “Yuri Stiffs Russia”. Or.. Lenin Gets Roommate”. Where, I ask you, are the bad puns? [ holds up more fake headlines ] Like: “Flu-1, Yuri-0”. “Vodkaput”. “Andro-Poof” Don’t tell me that the Post fired the lousy poet who wrote headlines like: “How-Now Mos-Cow”.. “Bury Yuri In A Hurry”.. “Redsky Dedsky”.. or “Stinko Pinko Sinko”.

[ holds up the real “Andropov Dead” headline again ]

Is this the new New York Post? What can I say? The thrill is gone. Robin?

Robin Williams: Thank you, Tim!

Tim Kazurinsky: Thank you, Robin.

Robin Williams: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! [ holds up face-painted hand again ] And that is the news.. Thank you, Timmy!

SNL Transcripts

Robin Willliams’ Monologue

…..Robin Williams

Robin Williams: Thank you! Thank you, band! Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Neuvo York!

Those of you have been watching the Olympics, know that there’s some heavy stuff going down! Obviously, the strange thing about the Olympics to me is that there’s not many brothers in the Olympics, if you know wht I’m saying. Not too many people doing soem break-skating, going, “Ow! Check it out!” [ demosntrates a breakdance move ] Some people in the bobsled team are black, brother on the bobsled team – “Larry! I like a woman who likes to slide!” [ makes a slide move ] Also in the Olympics, they have little controversies, always a problem with steroids. Ask people: “Do you take steroids?” [ makes horse ninny sound, stomps foot on floor ] “No way!” And sex tests, they always give the old sex test. [ raises arms, speaks in falsetto voice ] “I can’t see you!” Strange. And if you win in the Olympics, then you get to go for the big money. You know what I’m talking about. It’s always the commercials you see after the Olympics. It’s something like.. [ makes skiing sound effects, speaks with French accent ] “Hello. Jean-Claude Killey for Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage.” You know?

Ladies and gentlemen! The best news for me, I have, is that I’m a father. [ audience cheers lously ] Yes! The responsibility! Being a father, you can’t drink any more. You can’t come home drunk, going.. [ drunkenly ] “Daddy wants to play! Here’s a little switch – I’m gonna throw up on you!” You can’t do anything! You can’t come home: “Go to sleep!” “Noooo.” No, being a father, you feel incredible. It’s outrageous. The best thing for me is, well.. watching my baby breasteed. It’s something very special. I know he’s only ten months old, but that’s enough! Because I have this incredible fear, I have this fear that, during the night, a midget came in and took his place. So while my wife’s breastfeeding, there’s this midget going, “Hey, nice tomatoes! How are ya’!”

[ hums Twilight Zone theme ]

And the incredible thing, being a celebrity you can’t spank him, ’cause when you go to spank him, he goes.. [ in baby voice ] “If you hit me, I’ll write a book!” The only thing you can do – the only time you can ever get him back is: “It’s bedtime, son. Oh, you sleep well – behind you!! Oh, just kidding!

For me, it’s outrageous. Being a father. You feel like some sort of superhero. It’s like: Fatherman! My baby looks at me the other day, it’s incredible. He goes.. [ in baby voice ] “Dada!” Then, he looks at the dog.. [ in baby voice ] “Dada!” It’s outrageous, it gives me an incredible sense of well-being. I look at him sometimes, and I go: “Yes! I’m a superhero! I am Fatherman! With my all-powerful “No! Put that down!” But.. the only thing Fatherman cannot deal with is.. baby kaka. From little tiny babies, comes some very foul stuff. You can always tell. People walk by and go.. [ sniffing ] “You have a baby, don’t you?” “Yes.” Yes, even the dogs over there – after a few months, the dogs are going.. [ sniffing ] “Phew! I’m leaving! I’ll be back! you know, you could cure him of that if you’d just put his nose in it once! Just once! I bet he’d stop! You wouldn’t have to do all that stuff with the diapers!”

The main thing – the main thing about the kid – the midget, as we call him, the special one – he gives me a great sense. I feel good about him, because I always have this dream – I have this dream.. well, like, I guess, every father – but you have a dream that maybe one day.. one day, it’ll be my son accepting the Nobel Prize. I also have this other dream where it’s my son going.. [ in redneck twang ] “You want fries with this?”

Thank you all! Thank you, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Mime Roommate

Tim…..Brad Hall
Rene…..Robin Williams
Voice of Deborah…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Neighbors…..Gary Kroeger, Mary Gross

[ open on dark apartment, as Tim opens the door and sticks his head inside ]

Tim: Rene? Rene, you up? [ satisfied that he’s home alone for the evening ] Good.

[ Tim turns on the lights, and whistles as Rene pokes his head up from berhind the couch and follows him across the room, mimicking Tim’s actions as he pours himself a drink ]

Tim: Rene! Rene, I asked you not to do that any more, okay, Rene?

[ Rene contionues, patting Tim’s shoulder ]

Tim: Rene! Rene! Please! Rene, I’m not in a good mood, alright?

[ Rene mimes playing the violin ]

Tim: No. Rene, I’m actually in a very bad mood!

[ Rene makes a sad face, to Tim’s disgust ]

Tim: Rene, I got fired today! Alright? [ sits on the couch ] I go straight over to see Deborah. I even took her some flowers. Well, we got into a huge fight —

[ Rene mimes a fencing move ]

Tim: No! No! Rene, please stop horsing around, will ya’, please?

[ Rene prances around the room like a horse ]

Tim: Rene, cut it out!

[ Rene walks over to the television, and touches the knob ]

Tim: No! No, I don’t want to watch television! I haven’t wanted to watch television since you disconnected the sound, Rene. No, Rene, please! Listen. Rene. Did Deborah call here tonight? [ Rene shrugs ] Did she? [ Rene shrugs again ] I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom, alright? Will you excuse me? Thanks.

[ Tim walks across the room, as Rene follows in a mimicking fashion ]

Tim: By myself!

[ Tim exits to the bathroom. Rene sits on the couch and picks up the newspaper. Forgetting himself, he drops the newspaper, then mimes reading an invisible newspaper. ]

[ the phone rings ]

Voice of Tim: If that’s Deborah, don’t let her hang up!

[ Rene answers the phone, not saying a word ]

Voice of Deborah: Tim, it’s Deborah. Now, please, just listen to me. All I want to say is.. I’m sorry.

[ Rene is silent, but makes faces at the phone ]

Voice of Deborah: Oh, come on! I said I’m sorry! The least you can do is accept my apology!

[ Rene is silent, but makes faces at the phone ]

Voice of Deborah: Alright, fine! Well, if you’re going to be a baby, then I guess we are through!

[ Tim comes running back into the room ]

Tim: Give it to me! Give me the phone! [ Rene won’t let go ] Come on! Please! Rene! Come on! [ grabs the phone loose ] Hello! Hello!

[ the dial tone sounds ]

Tim: Who was it, Rene? [ Rene shrugs ] Rene, Rene! Who was that?! Was that Deborah? [ Rene points to his own face ] Rene! [ grabs Rene’s shoulders ] I hate you, Rene! I hate mimes! Everybody hates mimes, Rene! Do you understand me?! [ Rene pats at Tim’s chest ] You’re not even a good mime, Rene! [ grabs Rene by the throat ] Rene! Rene, I could kill you! You hear me? I could kill you, and I could get away with it, because nobody would hear your screams, Rene!

[ Tim tosses Rene back and forth by the neck, then releases his grip. Rene continues to mime being tossed about. ]

Tim: Rene! I gotta get a grip on myself! I need some air – excuse me, Rene!

[ Tim prepares to open the window, as Rene mimes walking against the wind ]

Tim: No! Stop it! Stop it! Not the walking against the wind – just stop it, Rene! It is my fault! I never should have moved in here, no matter how broke I was! I never should have moved in here! living with you, it’s driving me crazy!!

[ Tim throws his arms around wildly in frustration, which Rene mirrors exactly ]

Tim: No! Rene! Not the mirror, please! Rene! Not the mirror! Rene, I hate the mirror! God!

[ frustrated, Tim pulls a gun out of a desk drawer and points it at Rene ]

Tim: You! Because of you, my life is going nowhere, Rene! I’m warning you! Rene, I’m at the end of my rope!

[ Rene mimes playing tug-of-war with a rope ]

Tim: Rene! No!

[ neighbors begin to pound on the door, concerned by the commotion coming from within ]

Voice of Neighbors: Hey!! What’s going on in there?!

Tim: This miming! It’s a sickness! It’s a disease, Rene! God, I feel like I’m talking to a wall!!

[ Rene mimes moving his hands up a glass wall ]

Tim: No! Not the wall, Rene! Please! Rene! Don’t! Aaaaggghhhh!!!

[ Tim finally shoots Rene ]

Rene: God, man.. how real!

[ Rene collapses onto the couch, as the neighbors come bursting through the door ]

Male Neighbor: What was that? Oh, my God! What happened?

Tim: [ shocked by the result of his frustration ] I.. I killed a mime.

[ a beat ]

Neighbors: [ thrilled ] Alright!! Hey, buddy!!

[ the neighbors crowd around to pay achievement to Tim’s victory ]

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Robin Williams

Robin Williams: Thank you all! We have a lot of time to kill, so I’m gonna do something for ya’! I want you all — no, no, no! There’s some things you can’t see on TV! Matter of fact, the camera guy’s going: “I can’t back up that far, I don’t even have a wide-angle lens. Don’t even think about it!” Yes! It’s been a wonderful time! Brothers and sisters, thank you! Thank you! [ shakes Jim Belushi’s hand ]

Eddie Murphy: How much time we got?

Robin Williams: How much time? Send your dollars! [ speaks in a baby voice ] I’d like to say goodbye to my son, Zachary. He’s at home right now going: “Get off!” Thank you much. Go home, take the money, the horses are going: [ in horse voice ] “Mr. Williams. You’re real strange, come home and cool out!” I just want to thank all these wonderful people! For making this week in New York fantastic! Thank you all!

Don Pardo: Tune in next week, when our host will be Jamie Lee Curtis from “Trading Places”. You know, I’m with that Eddie Murphy person. And special musical guest, The Fixx. This is Don Pardo – you thought only Robin Williams could do voices?!

SNL Transcripts

Gandhi and the Bandit

Announcer …. Joe Piscopo
Gandhi … Tim Kazurinsky
Bandit … Gary Kroeger
Lady Hitchhiker … Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[Uptempo banjo music over footage of a country road.Police cars, with lights flashing and sirens blaring,chase a yellow tractor trailer.]

Announcer V/O: Nobody knew where he came from.All they knew was that he was the fastest thing oneighteen wheels. First, he brought the British Empireto its knees. And now he’s taking on the HighwayPatrol! It’s Gandhi and the Bandit!

[SUPER: Gandhi and the Bandit – We dissolve to the cabof the yellow truck where bald, bespectacled MahatmaGandhi drives. Flowers and pictures of Indian moviestars decorate the cab interior. The banjo musicbecomes sitar music.]

Announcer V/O: He was heaven on earth but hellon wheels!

Gandhi: [Indian accent, into CB radio] Breaker!Breaker! If you please, this is the Sacred Cowboycalling Bandit! Bandit, do you read me?

Bandit’s Voice: Affirmative, Cowboy, I gotcha.

Gandhi: How am I looking, most excellentbuddy?

Bandit’s Voice: Not so good, partner. You gottwo smokies on your tail and a bear in the air. I hopeyou got a shotgun in that rig, hoss.

Gandhi: Oh, Bandit! You know that the path ofviolence leads nowhere. I believe this situationrequires only a little passive resistance.

[Dissolve to aerial footage of a rural crossroadswhere the yellow truck deftly avoids four police carscoming at it from all directions. Another aerial viewshows the truck outrunning the police.]

Announcer V/O: Gandhi — he’s fast! And he’sfasting! He’s got love in his heart and six hundredhorses under his hood. He picked up four hundredmillion devout followers — and one ladyhitchhiker!

[Dissolve to cab of truck where Gandhi has been joinedby a sexy, gum-chewing blonde in a red dress.]

Lady Hitchhiker: [thick Southern accent] Hotdamn, Mahatma! Where’d you learn to drive likethat?

Gandhi: Well, I have put many miles on the roadto salvation.

Lady Hitchhiker: Oh, yeah? I think I ate at theStuckey’s there, once.

Gandhi: You have much to learn, shapelyone!

[Lady Hitchhiker laughs as Gandhi speaks into his CBradio.]

Gandhi: All right, good buddies, we have tomake the United Nations by nightfall.

Lady Hitchhiker: [loud, enthusiastic]Yee-haw!

Gandhi: [quiet, polite] Yee-haw.

Announcer V/O: Nobody messes with the Mahatma!Gandhi — he’s untouchable!

[Dissolve to aerial view of truck and police car.SUPER: Gandhi and the Bandit]

Announcer V/O: Gandhi and the Bandit! Comingthis summer.

[We hear the police siren and a few last notes pluckedout on the banjo before we fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Firing Line

William F. Buckley…..Robin Williams
Dr. Philip Holder…..Eddie Murphy

(FADE IN on a talk show set with the words “FIRING LINE” on the back wall as the theme music plays for several seconds. William F. Buckley [Robin Williams] is seated to the left, and Dr. Philip Holder [Eddie Murphy] is seated on the right.

William F. Buckley: Uh, uh, good evening. Uh, I’m William F. Buckley. Ah, uh, welcome to “Firing Line.” Uh, tonight’s show, uh, delves into the phenomena of black entertainers. With us is Dr. Philip Holder. Good evening, doctor.

Dr. Philip Holder: Hello, doctor.

William F. Buckley: Doctor, I’d like to begin by axing you a question, if I may. To what, uh, to what do you attribute the sudden flammability of Negroes in the ‘80s?

Dr. Philip Holder: Well, we all know that throughout the years, black has always been, because of pigment, more heat-conductive, but I believe that, because of evolution, that black man is becoming more flammable every day.

William F. Buckley: Now, now, surely you’re not implying the phenomenon is more prevalent among entertainers than among other blacks, uh, Afro-Americans, uh, whatever phrase is current among you coloreds.

Dr. Philip Holder: Yes. As you know, entertainment is a business where lots of bright lights are used, and because our skin absorbs heat, many times black entertainers just burst into flame. That’s why so many entertainers just disappear without a trace. Take your Rodney Allen Rippy, for instance. He was the hottest person in show business for a little while, and one day he was in the studio too long, and his pants just exploded, and he quit the business.

William F. Buckley: Oh. Uh, ah, ah, so you’re saying this sudden ignitability comes with the proliferation of all those soul, or funk groups that always seem to flourish under a liberal Democratic administration.

Dr. Philip Holder: Oh yes, yes, yes, definitely. Many groups like the Earth, Wind, and Fire, and the Silvers, and Tavares, and the Trammps, they’ve all stopped working together because there’s just too many lights required to light a big group like that, you see. The more lights, the hotter it is, which makes for a greater flame possibility.

William F. Buckley: Well, uh-

Dr. Philip Holder: In fact, the song “Disco Inferno” was written by the Trammps after they blew up after a 1978 concert.

William F. Buckley: Uh, uh, is that, is that why so many of your black entertainers are, if I may use the expression, uh, “going solo.” Uh, uh, your, your, your Ritchies, uh, for example.

Dr. Philip Holder: Oh, yes. That’s why Lionel Ritchie left the Commodores. He’s a very shrewd entertainer. See, Lionel figured, “Hey: all these dudes on stage, somebody’s gonna ignite,” all right. And he left the group. You see, one singer, one spotlight, less heat. [raises index finger and smiles]

William F. Buckley: Oh. And, uh, what about, the, uh, literally flamboyant, uh, Michael Jackson? Uh, Michael Jackson, he’s, uh, certainly hot, to coin a phrase.

Dr. Philip Holder: Well, Michael didn’t leave the Jacksons yet, but who knows? See, I mean, the gentleman recorded two smash albums by himself back-to-back, and went into the studio with his brothers for one day, and his head blows up.

William F. Buckley: Well, uh, I think to me, uh, it certainly gives new meaning to his song, “Beat It,” if you catch my drift. [pats top of head]

Dr. Philip Holder: Oh, yeah, “beat it,” like this? [pats his own head]

William F. Buckley: Yes. Put out the fire. Um-

Dr. Philip Holder: Many things happen that people don’t even know about. In the state of Florida, for instance, at least one brother catches fire a week. But it’s kept from the Afro-American public, you see.

William F. Buckley: Uh, uh, I see. Ah, ah, ah, so what you’re saying here, what you’re saying here, in the 1960’s, the catchphrase was, uh, “black is beautiful,” where the catchphrase for the 1980s is, uh, “Black is flammable.” Uh, uh, I, forgive me, but this whole thing smacks as a left-wing conspiracy of paranoia, if you catch my drift.

Dr. Philip Holder: The government doesn’t want to start a panic amongst blacks. I mean, the black population will be staying in the house, and then, you know, America’ll be boring, you know. There won’t be nothin’, no baseball, no basketball, no football, no nothin’, just… hockey.

William F. Buckley: Uh, I see. I see, um.

[Smoke starts drifting out from underneath Dr. Holder’s suit. Crowd roars with laughter. Buckley looks around in consternation.]

William F. Buckley: Well, ah, ah, I think we’d better, uh, wind this one up, if you catch my drift. Uh, in the words of Bob Marley, “there’s gonna be some burnies smokin’ tonight.” Thank you, uh, I think the place is gettin’ cherry-whacked out here. Thank you, uh, very much.

Dr. Philip Holder: Help! Tito!

William F. Buckley: Thank you, uh, ah, thank you very much. Come with us next week on, uh, “Firing Line.”

Dr. Philip Holder: Tito!

[Theme music plays again as Dr. Holder pats his suit to try to put out the fire.]

Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Buddweiser Light

Rockets Ice Hockey Player…..Joe Piscopo
Night Hawks Ice Hockey Player…..Robin Williams

[ camera pans on the face mask of an ice hockey player ]

[ the referee drops the puck between two rival ice hockey players ]

Rockets Ice Hockey Player V/O: He’s always the top scorer in the league. I know I can beat this guy!

[ show product, Buddweiser beer can ]

Jingle: “Bring out your best!”

Announcer: The best never comes easy. That’s why there’s nothing else like it.

[ back to the ice hockey player for the Rockets ]

Rockets Ice Hockey Player V/O: He’s not so great. I can’t believe my wife ran away with him.

[ the puck is dropped ]

[ Rockets ice hockey player whips his stick in the face of the Night Hawks ice hockey player; a scuffle between teams and referee ensues. ]

Jingle:
“Courage deep inside!
Buddweiser Light!
Bring out your best!
Buddweiser Light!
Bring out your best!
Buddweiser Light!”

[ the two ice hockey players sit on the side of the ice, bloodied in the face but enjoying a cold Buddweiser Light as ice shavings spray over them ]

Announcer: The best. You found it inside. Now you’ll find it in the beer you drink.

Jingle: “Buddweiser Light!”

SNL Transcripts

Bobsledders

…..Joe Piscopo
Bobsledder…..Robin Williams
Other Bobsledders…..Eddie Murphy, Jim Belushi

[ open with Olympic fanfare, pan down to Joe Piscopo reporting ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Winter Olympics! Skiing? Skating? Ice Dancing? What’s next, Olympic Snowman Building? The only real sport – bobsledding! Speed! Risk! Action! With me now – real men! Bobsledders!

[ three Bobsledders dressed in tight spandex enter ]

Joe Piscopo: Guys. Guys. You’re about to start your run, how do you feel, guys?

Bobsledders: Good, good, good! Real good!

Bobsledder: We’re confident, Joe, we’re ready to go, you know what I’m saying!

Joe Piscopo: Alright, they’re about to start the run. Good luck, guys.

[ the Bobsledders run off ]

Joe Piscopo: There they go, this sport.. is.. awesome! Let’s take a look!

[ show footage of bobsled zooming down the track, with sounds of the bobsledders screaming in fear ]

Voice of Bobsledders: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! Mama!! Mama!! Mama!!

Joe Piscopo: So much for the Winter Olympics! This is Joe Piscopo! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 11th, 1984

Robin Williams

Adam Ant

Paula Poundstone

Bobsledders

Robin Williams’ Monologue

Williams does stand-up about the Olympics and being a father.

Buddweiser Light

Rival ice hockey players (Williams, Joe Piscopo) battle it out.

Rock & Roll & Then Some

Clarence Walker (Eddie Murphy) insists he was the fifth Beatle.

Wild Kingdom of Heaven

Gandhi & the Bandit

Gandhi (Tim Kazurinsky) rides a big rig.

Firing Line

William F. Buckley (Williams) explores the flammable black.

“Babies In Makeup”



(Repeat) See: 01/23/82.

Mime Roommate

Mime (Williams) annoys roommate (Brad Hall) who’s had a hard day.

The Playpen

Babies (Williams, Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky, Eddie Murphy) plot escape.

Adam Ant performs “Strip”

Saturday Night News with Robin Williams

Brad Hall interviews man mugged every 11 seconds (Jim Belushi).

Tim Kazurinsky shows off New York Post headlines.

The Ugly Sisters Step

Ugly sisters (Mary Gross, Robin Duke) are interviewed.

Recurring Characters: Nina Blackwood.

Siamese Twins in a Bar

Siamese twins (Williams, Jim Belushi) argue and look for women.

Adam Ant performs “Goody Two Shoes”

Paula Poundstone Stand-Up

Patty’s Place

Guests (Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky) are behind and ahead on conversation.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 11

83k: Don Rickles / Billy Idol

Romeo & Juliet

Juliet…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Friar…..Don Rickles
Romeo…..Gary Kroeger
Lady Capulet…..Robin Duke
Lord Capulet…..Joe Piscopo
Lady Montague…..Mary Gross
Lord Montague…..Brad Hall

Juliet: (on balcony) Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Friar: (comes up behind her) You lookin’ for Romeo? He went down the hall for a sec, he’ll be right back.

Juliet: Oh, oh Friar Don, unite me with my fair Romeo, for my heart can no longer endure this lonely sojourn.

Friar: Sweetheart, what am I, the Love Connection? Come on, hah?

Juliet: You are the Friar of Verona, you are renowned for your eloquence and wisdom. Canst you but speak with my father?

Friar: I get it. In other words you want me to talk to the old man and work it out so you can get married, huh?

Juliet: I beseech you.

Friar: What do you mean, you beseech me? You’re nuts, for cryin’ out loud. You’re only 14 years old. Where you goin’? Where you goin’, huh? Jump in with a line. (Romeo enters) There he is.

Romeo: What light through yonder window breaks?

Friar: Aw, what are you doin’ here, fruitcake?

Romeo: It is the East and Juliet is the sun.

Friar: (to Juliet) Hey, I’ve known Romeo since he’s a kid, and you could do a lot better. Listen to me, you could do a lot better. This guy’s a stiff, I’m tellin’ ya.

Romeo: Hark! I hear the sound of Juliet’s parents approaching.

Friar: You look like Errol Flynn on a bad swing. What is that one, hark all the time, hark? What hark?

Lady Capulet: Hang the young baggage! Disobedient wretch!

Lord Capulet: My fingers itch. Wife, we’d scarce thought us blessed that God had lent us but this child, but now I see this one is one too much.

Juliet: Oh, blistered be thy tongue!

Friar: “Blistered be thy tongue”? You must be some wild kinda broad! A broad with a wild blistered tongue, that’s something else!

Lord Capulet: Oh, Friar. Oohh, Friar.

Friar: “Ohoho, Friar.”

Lord Capulet: Our daughter Juliet sickens us with shame. But hark! Romeo’s parents!

Friar: Again with hark? He keeps saying hark, every five minutes I hear hark. What is it with you and hark?

Lord Montague: Afore God, I am so vexed that every part of me doth quiver.

Lady Montague: Who set this ancient quarrel new abroach?

Friar: (to Lord Montague) May I say something as an actor? You stink. You must understand, you people talk funny. Call up Immigration and get your papers stamped, you hear me? You talk funny!

Lord Capulet: Well, it is they.

Lord Montague: It is they.

Friar: It is who?

Juliet: Please dear Friar, speak not of reproach upon we, the simple souls of Verona, but arbitrate us a God-inspired course that we might know His will.

Friar: Yeth, I would thay to thee to know thythelf a thelf a thee. Thith I know. Look at this, Pinky Lee is back! I thay you thith. What are you talking about, anyway? What are you talking about?

Lord Montague: We bow to your decree.

Lord Capulet: We’ll listen to you.

Friar: You better because I’m getting’ fed up with you. I didn’t forget in the other sketch when you slapped me around for a half hour. I don’t forgive so easy. Even though we’re eight centuries behind, I’m fed up with you! And I’m gonna see that you wind up in Brooklyn in a car (pointing at his temple) with a little trickle, right down the side. Cause I’ve had it with you, with your waffle hat, you Pinky man. (to Lady Montague) You’re a stunning lady, with surgery. Now! (Lord Capulet hands him the hat) Oh, good. (to Romeo) Would you like a pancake? Get out of here. (to Lord Capulet) Put the hat back on. You must understand. We are all friends together. We are all brothers. Thy love thyself, thy love thee. And this is why I say, you both must be married. Married in Heaven! Love thyself as thy love thy nature! As Rabbi Elikuda said, love thyself as thy love thee, thith I tho mythelth I thith! (to ord Capulet) Jump in, dummy, if you have a funny remark! All you know how to do is slap me around, that’s all you know how to do!

Lord Capulet: (laughing) Please, Friar, die by yourself.

Friar: Die by myself, hah? I hope Eddie Murphy robs your house. (audience applauds) Good night, we are fed up! (dips Juliet) I love you, my darling!

Submitted by: Susan Gleason

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