Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 5th, 1981 Tim Curry Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express None Frank Nelson Bryant Gumbel Texxon
Montage
Tim Curry’s Monologue
Mick!Recurring Characters: Mick Jagger, Barbara Mandrell, Frank Sinatra, Buckwheat.
Reagan’s Illegitimate SonSummary: Eddie Murphy makes a plea for his runaway dad, President Ronald Reagan, to return home to him and his mama. Transcript
The Trouble With Fred
Frank & PapaRecurring Characters: Frank, Papa.
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Prince Charles, Princess Di, Raheem Abdul Mohammed.
Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express performs “Promised Land”
Tim & Meat’s One-Stop Rocky Horror Shop
Tim Curry sings “The Zucchini Song”
If Reagan Had Survived The AssassinationRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.
Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express performs “Bat Out Of Hell”
Woman: Jerry, could you just put that stuff on the table for me?
Man: Yeah, sure.. no problem. [ puts stuff down ] So, uh.. look, I hope you got a hammer, or something, to put this thing up..
Woman: Oh, yeah.. look, I’ve got a hammer, I’ve got nails, I’ve got everything.. I just can’t put this stuff up myself, I really appreciate all your help.
Man: Oh, hey, no problem, I don’t mind. If you make me dinner,we’ll call it even!
Woman: Okay.
Man: Now, where do you keep the ladder?
Woman: In the closet.
Man: [ pulls ladder out of closet ] That’s a small one, is it going to be tall enough?
[ lights suddenly go out ]
Woman: Tony, what happened?
Man: What’s going on?
Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Uh.. Tony, Chris.. we’re having some lighting problems..
Man: Are we still on?
Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Oh, we’re working on it. Just keep the set going..
Man: We can’t see the cards, though.. [ to the non-visible audience ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a technical problem.. uh.. the scene is now going to be be about a guy helping a girl put up some curtains.. in the bottom of a coal mine.. Okay.. where were we?
Woman: [ now improvising ] Oh.. I see you have the ladder.
Man: Yes. Here it is.. [ accidentally drops the ladder on Christine ]
Woman: Ow!
Man: I’m sorry.. you got it..? Yeah, I got the ladder! Why don’t I put up the ladder and put the stuff up, and you hand it up to me?
Woman: Alright. Okay, fine.. are you up there yet?
Man: Yeah. Don’t give it to me ’til I get up here..
Woman: Okay..
Man: Grab the rod, will you?
Woman: Okay.. Do you want me to take it out for you?
Man: No, I can manage.. I can manage.. Alright..
Woman: Whoa, look how long this is..
Man: Well, what did you expect?
Woman: I don’t know.. I’ve never done anything like this before..
Man: Oh, really?
Woman: Yeah.. so what do you do, just take it out and then you put that in there, and that’s it, huh?
Man: That’s it. Now, that’s what I call well-hung!
NBC Censor: [ voice heard running in ] Hold it! Hold it right there!
Man: Wha.. what’s wrong? Who are you?
NBC Censor: I’m Al Segal, you know me, the NBC Censor?
Man: We’re in the middle of a sketch..
NBC Censor: You know.. listen, you can’t do this kind of stuff!
Woman: What do you mean? You approved the script..
NBC Censor: I.. yeah, I approved a script, but that was when it was clear, it was obvious that you were putting up a curtain rod and hanging curtains! When you can’t see that stuff, it sounds completely different!
Man: Well, you got a dirty mind, you know? I mean, that’s notmy fault that the lights went out..
Woman: You mean, you thought that.. oh, that’s gross!
Man: Al, you got the wrong idea.
NBC Censor: Look, just skip the curtains, will you? Go on with the rest of the scene, have dinner or something, alright?
Man: Dinner? That’s not even in the script..
Woman: Let’s just play along with him, Tony, alright? Uh.. let’s skip the curtains, and just have dinner!
Man: Nice ad-lib.. nice ad-lib.. Uh.. sure, okay.. what do we have for dinner?
Woman: [ approaches fridge in the dark ] Uh.. how about these melons? [ holds up a pair of melons ]
Man: Oh, wow.. those look really nice! I like these jugs, too.. [ grabs some jugs sitting on the counter in the dark ]
NBC Censor: [ running back in ] Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!
Man: What?! What’s wrong now, for God’s sake!
NBC Censor: You know you can’t do this sort of stuff!
Man: What sort of stuff!
Woman: Yeah, what sort of stuff!
NBC Censor: Hey, don’t play dumb with me, Missy! I’m just trying to do my job!
Man: Look, Al, I think you’ve got the wrong idea. Can I justshow you something here.. shed a little light on the situation? [ opens fridge ] Theses are real melons! Huh? And that’s the jug I was talking about!
NBC Censor: Mr. Rosato, looking at this so-called dinner, I seenothing but melons, and sausages, and buns, and bananas, and donuts – now, don’t tell me you didn’t have this planned!
Woman: Oh, this is asinine! Get the Producer down here!Dick! Dick!
NBC Censor: Hey! What are you doing!
Woman: Dick! Get me Dick!
NBC Censor: You can’t say that on television!
Man: Al, relax, will you? The producer’s name really is Dick. I mean, Dick Ebersol. What’s wrong with you? You’re flipping out, I think you’ve been handling this job just a little too much..
[ open on stage exterior, as the curtains open to reveal hand puppet Nick the Knock jumping around on stage, humming to himself until he spots a record player ]
Nick The Knock: Ooh — music! Oh, boy, here we go!
[ he cranks up the record player, then begins to dance and hum to the music that will later open SNL’s Hans & Franz sketches ]
Nick The Knock: Oh boy, oh boy!
[ he grabs the record and smashes it against the record player ]
[ suddenly, a fairy flies into view ]
Nick The Knock: Ooh! Ooh! Oh, how pretty! Ooh!
Fairy: Hello, Nick! Hello, Nick the Knock!
Nick The Knock: Wow, look at… ooh!
Fairy: Hi, Nick!
Nick The Knock: Wow! Let’s see who that is!
[ Nick leans down until his face is right next to the fairy ]
Fairy: Hello, Nick!
Nick The Knock: Hi! Ooh!
Fairy: I brought you another poem. [ Nick appears confused ] Nick, although you are very strange…
Nick The Knock: Yes?
Fairy: I like to think I see beauty in you that others are too busy to notice. So I have brought you this: The gift of truth.
[ Nick smiles as she begins to recite her poem ]
Fairy: “Truth never dies. The ages come and go. The mountains wear away, the stars retire Destruction lays Earth’s mighty cities low; And empires, states and dynasties expire. But caught and handed onwarded by the wise, Truth never dies.
As rests the Sphinx amid Egyptian sands; As looms on high the snowy peak and crest As firm and patient as Gibralter stands, So Truth, uwearied, waits the era blest, Men shall turn to it with great surprise. Truth never dies.”
[ a series of knocks are heard at the door ]
Nick The Knock: Wow, that was beautiful! Beautiful! [ he stands ] What? Someone’s at the door! Ooh! Ooh! Here we go! Let’s see who’s at the door! The door!
[ Nick opens the door and is swatted with a rubber bat ]
Nick The Knock: Oo-oo-ooh, whoa! That was terrific!
[ another series of knocks are heard at the door ]
Nick The Knock: Whoa! There’s ANOTHER knock at the door! Who could that be?
[ Nick opens the door and is again swatted with a rubber bat ]
Nick The Knock: Heyyyy, what’s going on here! Huh? Oh, boy! [ to the Fairy ] Well, hey, you — come here! I know what I’m gonna do to you, you little thing! I’m gonna eat your spine!
[ Nick grabs the Fairy by the throat and proceeds to eat her spine, as green blood splashes all over his face amid her screams ]
Announcer: Once again, live from his midtown recording studio — Billy Joel!
Billy Joel: [ singing ] “She’s got a way about her I don’t know what it is But I know that I can’t live without her She’s got a way of pleasin’ I don’t know what it is But there doesn’t have to be a reason anyway She’s got a smile that heals me I don’t know why it is But I have to laugh when she reveals me She’s got a way of talkin’ I don’t know why it is But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere.
She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down Inspires me without a sound She touches me and I get turned around.
She’s got a way of showin’, mmm-mmm-mmm How I make her feel And I find the strength to keep on goin’ She’s got a light around her And everywhere she goes A million dreams of love surround her everywhere.
She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down Inspires me without a sound She touches me and I get turned around.
She’s got a smile that heals me I don’t know why it is But I have to laugh when she reveals me She’s got a way about her I don’t know what it is But I know that I can’t live without her anyway.”
Allen Funt…..Joe Piscopo Waitress/Woman…..Christine Ebersole
[ open on wide shot of studio audience, as “Hidden Photo” theme song plays ]
[ zoom in on bearded man in the audience ]
Jingle: “Wow! You’re on Hidden Photo”!
Announcer: And now, Mr. Hidden Photo himself!
[ dissolve to close-up of TV screen with title screen, pull back to reveal Allen Funt in his studio ]
Allen Funt: We believe that there is NOTHING more hilarious… than people caught in the act of being themselves! You know, one of the BEST-LOVED gags of all time is the old Hot Foot! Remember that? Right? Well, we went to the Teaneck Diner in New Jersey to try a variation on the old Hot Foot! We call it the Hot Fork!
[ he turns to face the monitor, as the footage appears ]
[ dissolve to full-screen footage ]
Allen Funt V/O: Now, the speciality of the house is the Cheesecake.
Diner: [ to Waitress ] Cheesecake.
Waitress: Cheesecake. [ she exits to the kitchen ]
[ cut to a fork being heated over an open grill ]
Allen Funt V/O: The kitchen has been heating the fork ’til it glows red hot! Watch.
[ the heated fork is pressed down on a steak, which sizzles immediately ]
Allen Funt V/O: Now, that’s HOT! But, just to make sure…
[ the fork is held back over the open grill ]
[ cut to Funt in the kitchen placing the cheesecake on the counter and ringing the bell ]
[ the Waitress brings the cheesecake and the hot fork to the diner ]
Allen Funt V/O: She’s expecting a bite of cool, creamy cheesecake! What she’s gonna get… is a mouthful of seared flesh!
[ the diner cuts a piece of cheesecake with her fork and brings it into her mouth. She screams and hops out of her seat as the Waitress alughs hysterically. ]
[ cut to a Male Diner receiving a slice of cheesecake ]
Allen Funt V/O: Now, watch this big guy here!
[ the Male Diner puts the cheesecake into his mouth, then nearly gags on it as his mouth burns… then he begins to shout obscenities ]
[ cut to the Waitress bringing cheesecake to two Japanese businessmen ]
Waitress: This is called Cheese…cake! It’s an American dessert. You like to try?
[ the Japanese businessmen laugh, then politely unfold their napkins in preparation to eat the cheesecake ]
Allen Funt V/O: Now, these fellas probably can’t speak a word of English! But, as you all know, pain is an international language!
[ the Japanese businessmen put the cheesecake in their mouthes, then jump up and start screaming into their napkins ]
[ suddenly, Funt emerges from the kitchen, laughing, and raps his arm around the two businessmen as the Waitress returns, also laughing ]
Allen Funt: Guys… [ he points ] Look in that camera right there! Look at that camera! Huh? You recognize me, right?
[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]
Allen Funt: Boy, I bet it’ll be a long tme before any of those fellows order cheesecake again! You know, New York is famous for its street characters, and we want you to meet one of our favorites! Watch!
[ dissolve to footage of a blind man standing on a street corner with his seeing-eye dog ]
Allen Funt V/O: Anybody who hangs around the corner of 6th Avenue and Vinetta is BOUND to see him. His name is Willie. Willie, of course, is blind… but that doesn’t stop him from selling pencils. We’re gonna have some fun with Willie. Watch!
[ crew member places a “Vicious Dog, Stay Away!!!” sign over Willie’s “Help Me, I’m Blind” sign ]
[ reveal camera crew in plain sight, snickering ]
Allen Funt V/O: Now, this is one time we didn’t even have to conceal the camera!
[ reveal woman (the fake waitress from earlier) standing next to Willie ]
Woman: I’m sorry, excuse me. But these are very lovely pencils, can I have one? May I have a red one, please?
[ a crew member enters the scene and removes Willie’s dog, as Willie hands the woman a pencil ]
Woman: No, no… that’s not red! That’s purple!
[ the crew member ties a pig to Willie’s leash, then prompts the pig to run down the street, pulling a hapless Willie with him ]
[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]
Allen Funt: [ laughing ] Just beautiful! You know, our show has been around for TWENTY YEARS! And the piece of film we’re about to show you TILL makes us laugh! We went to the Salisbury Elementary School in Westbury, New York to see what would happen if we told a group of third-graders that their parents were putting them up for adoption! Watch!
[ dissolve to black-and-footage of a little girl ]
Allen Funt V/O: Meliisa, I called you out of class to tell you your Mommy and Daddy are putting you up for adoption. [ the girl is stunned ] That’s right — they dont love you any more, and they’re giving you away!
[ she lowers her head, her eyes droop, and she begins to weep pitifully ]
Allen Funt V/O: We told the same thing to every kid in the class, and every one of them reacted the same!
[ cut to a boy scout crying and lowering his head onto the desk ]
[ cut to another boy running across the room, screaming, as he knocks a chair to the floor and throws himself against the wall ]
[ cut to a little girl wearing a crown, as she cries with her face agaisnt the wall ]
Allen Funt V/O: Now, come on, Debby — give me the crown! [ she holds onto her crown ] I’m giving it to another little girl, whose parents love her and want to keep her! Debbie, listen to me! Its time to go to the orphanage! [ she keeps crying ] Debbie…
[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]
Allen Funt: [ choking with laughter ] It’s SO easy to fool kids, isn’t it! Debbie learned the HARD way that… sometime, somewhere, someplace when you LEAST expect it, someone might come up to you and say…
[ open on theater marquee for “Escape From New York” ]
Announcer: It’s 1981.
[ cut to audiences sitting restlessly inside the theater ]
Announcer: A New York theater is NOW a maximum security prison, in which audiences are FORCED to watch a SICKENING film!
[ cut to montage of stills from the film ]
Announcer: NEVER has such mindless film EXPLODED on the screen.
Kurt Ruusell IS the Bore.
Donald Pleasance IS the English Ham.
Adrienne Bimbo IS the Director’s Wife.
[ cut to audience members scrambling from their seats ]
Announcer: They have 24 hours to KILL every living trace of wit and intelligence. This is the story of a crazed audience that cannot survive such a vicious onslaught of stupidity. UNLESS they…
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “Escape From Escape From New York”.
[ cut to circular pan of the theater district ]
Announcer: And at a theater directly next door… the ironic, bittersweet story of how a crazed audiences escaped from “Escape From New York”… ONLY to be trapped in the latest nine-hour version of a cinematic classic by Martin Scorcese:
Announcer: A message to all our young white viewers.
Eddie Murphy: Hello, I’m Eddie Murphy and I’m here to tell you the importance of a good education. I’m 20 years old and a high school graduate. I studied at Nassau community college for about two weeks. I have no formal theatricaltraining what so ever yet I’m one of the stars of the new Saturday Night Live. I also make more in a week than mostwhite people make in a year. Which leaves me to the conclusion that in 1981 a good education is just as imporant asa warm bucket of hamster vomit. That’s right, all you white kids in school are wasting your sweet precious time because life is luck. You’re either lucky or you’re a bum from the beginning. So stop kidding yourself, drop out. Go have some fun, drink some beer. Get each other pregnant and play Space Invaders. You know, you white kids take life so seriously. Quit school and be successful like me.
(Sammy the limo driver appears)
Sammy: Excuse me Mr. Murphy, you’re limosuine’s waiting.
Eddie Murphy: Thanks Sammy. Sammy went to Harvard.
[ dissolve to TITLE CARD: “Betty Boop in Johnny Keep Your Gun Clean” ]
[ iris onto black-and-white scenery highlighted by an inkwell, as the cap pops off and Betty Boop emerges from within ]
Bety Boop: [ singing ] “For all you G.I. privates who are standing at attention… [ she salutes ] There is something kind of personal I’d really like to mention.
We think it’s quite terrific that you’re in the South Pacific Just be good and careful that you don’t fall in a trap. Don’t come home to Betty with a nasty dose of… [ she claps her hands together ] Johnny, keep your gun clean!
I want to be loved by you Just you and nobody else but you I want to be loved by you alone. Boop-boop-a-doop!
Don’t come home from France, with the enemy in your pants!
Who can love a Sarge, with a dishonorable discharge?
Better stop your drillin’, or you’ll be on penicillin!
I’m waiting for you patiently, I’d really love to see ya’. But don’t come home to Mama, with a case of gonerrhea!
Oh! I want to be loved by you Just you and nobody else but you I want to be loved by you alone. Boop-boop-a-doop!
Keep it clean! Keep it clean, fellas!”
[ she salutes and smiles, as the scenery irises out ]
Making Love Alone written by: Cheryl Hardwick and Marilyn Suzanne Miller
…..Bernadette Peters
[ open on Bernadette Peters standing before piano ]
Bernadette Peters: [ singing ] “A log thrown on a fire… two profiles met as one The igniting of desire in the air. But when there’s just one profile, and yet desire grows Despite the fact there’s no one else to care.
Must romance be abandoned as it’s fanning its own flame? Waiting to burst full-blown? There’s a special kind of bliss, not engendered by a kiss. Surreptitiously indulged in less well known. For when one cannot make love with another… One can still make love alone.
There’s a certain special magic, to the touch of your own hand. And a special thrill of knowing that you will for sure be feeling grand. And that tender smell of rapture, you don’t have to try to postpone that’s what it’s like when you’re making love alone.
Oh, the sweet, sweet sound of your own breathing, as the sky turns pale pink to hot and the special thrill of knowing that you will not catch God-only-knows what. It’s the kind of love that fits hand in glove, and bursts like a bud full-blown. That’s what its like when you’re making love alone.
Who can describe the special sweetness of knowing the speed that youre going is right? And is there anything as thrilling as trying to keep the book open, to page 24 all night?
And, oh The calm and tender door you have taken, so lovely, an object of love addiction It’s trite, but there’s nothing quite so sweet, as sweet nothings you say to yourself. ?????, you may outgrow your own. That’s what its like when you’re making love alone.
The wondrous hue of aberration, as you listen to your own sighs And the pools of perfect adoration, as you see you in your eyes. It’s the kind of love that fits hand in glove When the lips that meet are your own.
‘Cause the date you can’t see their faces The one who knows all the best places Who’ll never ask your sign on the phone Due to the simple magic of making love Not taking, faking, or mistaking love But The simple magic of making love alone Save on cologne!
That’s what its like when you’re making love alone!”
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Air Date:
Texxon
Summary: Eddie Murphy makes a plea for his runaway dad, President Ronald Reagan, to return home to him and his mama.
Summary: William Wegman sets up a microphone in front of his weimaraner Man Ray.
