[ open on Lauren Hutton lounging inside her bathtub ]
Lauren Hutton: Hi. I’m Lauren Hutton. And I believe in pampering myself, giving my body the special care it deserves. What’s my secret to softer and younger-looking skin? [ whsipering ] Let me “whisper” it to you. [ she holds up product ] New Whisper is a balanced blend of soothing herbs, rich emulants, and creamy moisturizers with a scent of… [ she sniffs the bubbles ] alpine flowers. But… Whisper does a LOT more than just keep my skin looking dewy-soft. [ she lifts a glass from under the bubbles ] It gets my glassware virtually SPOTLESS! Its powerful emulsifying agents cut through grease to get my dishes SPARKING clean! [ she lifts up a china dish ] You know how tough those tuna casseroles can get. [ she lifts up a casserole dish ] With Whisper, baked-on food just WIPES away! [ she sponges the casserole residue off of the dish ] Whether it’s this morning’s sausage and eggs — [ she lifts a frying pan ] or the burnt remains of last night’s pot roast — [ she lifts a pot ] or, even… [ she struggles to lift an item ] even Sparky’s bowl! [ she lifts a dog dish ] Whisper keeps me AND my dishes squeaky-clean!
[ Hutton’s husband enters carrying a tray of utensils ]
Husband: Honey, you forgot the silverware!
Lauren Hutton: Oh!
[ he dumps the silverware and tray into the bathwater, then proceeds to wipe them clean ]
Lauren Hutton: New Whisper. It’s like taking a bath in your sink!
[ she joins him in cleaning the silverware by hand ]
Velvet Jones: Due to the overwhelming response of my last book, entitled… [ he holds up the book ] “I Wanna Be A Ho”… there is yet another high-payin’ job in demand. Hi! I’m Velvet Jones! Are you a male high school dropout between the ages of 18 and 42? Do you have three or more gold teeth in the front of your mouth? Do you like flashy coats, big cars, and like kicking women in the butt? If so, stop doing all these things for free, ’cause thanks to me, Velvet Jones, you, too, in six short weeks, can be taught to be a high-payin’ PIMP! THat’s right, it’s a well-known fact that a good pimp can make up to $250,000 a year! And just think — because it’s off the books, you can still get your welfare check! Sounds too good to be true? It is! And, basically, all you do is drive around in a big pink Cadillac, kick women in the butt, and take their money! Sounds simple? It is, when you know how. Just send for my new book, entitled… [ he holds up the book ] “I Want to Drive a Pink Cadillac, Wear Diamond Rings…” [ he flips to the back cover ] “and Kick Women in the Butt”! In it, you’ll find all the latest in clothes, and special leg exercises you can use… so when you kick your hos, they know you mean business! If you order now, I’ll throw in — absolutely free — this pamphlet called… [ he holds up pamphlet ] “12 Easy Ways to Stomp a Ho”. Here’s how to order: Rush $83.95 to “I Want to Drive a Pink Cadillac, Wear Diamond Rings, and Kick Women in the Butt”!
[ Joe Dicso steps forward as Eddie Murphy ad-libs his Cosby mimicry for the applauding audience ]
Joe Dicso: Hey, Eddie! Lauren Hutton wants to see you — in her dressing room! [ he smiles before backing away ]
Eddie Murphy: [ intrigued ] In her dressing room? [ he faces the audience ] Excuse me!
[ fade to black, the fade in on Lauren Hutton’s dressing room ]
[ Hutton walks past a crouching stagehand to sit at the mirror and read over her scripts ]
[ a knock at the door ]
Lauren Hutton: Yes?
Eddie Murphy: Uh — Lauren! It’s me, Eddie Murphy!
Lauren Hutton: Oh, Eddie! Good! Come in!
[ Eddie enters, somewhat shyly ]
Eddie Murphy: Hello, Lauren Hutton!
Lauren Hutton: [ she laughs ] Hi, Eddie!
Eddie Murphy: How you doing? What’s up?
Lauren Hutton: Nothing. I just thought… you got some time?
[ he sits on the desk ]
Eddie Murphy: Yeah… I got a couple minutes. Why,
Lauren Hutton: Well… I just want to tell you something. And that is… you’re a star! You’re a real star.
Eddie Murphy: Oh! Well, thank you, I appreciate it!
Lauren Hutton: EVerybody out there is real glad to have you.
Eddie Murphy: Thanks a lot. Thank you.
Lauren Hutton: [ she removes her fedora and wraps her arms around her head ] And… uh… I mean, you are so funny… I don’t mean to bug you, but…
Eddie Murphy: [ curious ] What?
Lauren Hutton: I’m a little scared, my heart’s beating…
Eddie Murphy: Oh, you’ll be fine! Don’t worry about it!
Lauren Hutton: Would you do your Buckwheat for me?
Eddie Murphy: Do what?
Lauren Hutton: Buckwheat! Please! Come on!
Eddie Murphy: Oh, come on… I’m not doing Buckwheat!
Lauren Hutton: Eddie… please… one little Buckwheat!
Eddie Murphy: [ in character ] “Hi, I’m Buckwheat O-tay!” [ he gives the Okay sign ]
Lauren Hutton: [ pleased ] That’s wonderful! I mean, you are very…
Eddie Murphy: [ still in character ] “You sure are a beautiful woman, Miss Hutton!” [ she laughs ] “O-tay!”
Lauren Hutton: [ she stands ] Would you do… Stevie Wonder for me?
Eddie Murphy: Come on, Lauren! I’m not doing Stevie Wonder inside here…
Lauren Hutton: You want me to grovel? I’ll do it.
Eddie Murphy: Don’t grovel.
Lauren Hutton: Okay.
Eddie Murphy: Stop it. You want me to do Stevie Wonder?
Lauren Hutton: Yeah.
[ Eddie puts on a pair of sunglasse, tilts his head back and smiles ]
Lauren Hutton: Oh, that’s great! How about, you and me…
[ a knock at the door ]
Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Miss Hutton. [ he winks at Eddie before closing the door ]
Lauren Hutton: Oh, my God. I’ve got to change.
Eddie Murphy: Oh. You gotta change? I’ll leave, then.
Lauren Hutton: No, no! Stay here, if you can. If you’ve got time. It relaxes me a lot. [ she steps behind her changing screen ]
Eddie Murphy: It relaxes you when I’m in here?
Lauren Hutton: Yeah!
Eddie Murphy: You’re relaxed? [ he sits on the couch ] It relaxes you, huh?
Lauren Hutton: Yes.
[ Hutton flips her robe over the screen, then extends her leg within Eddie’s view and begins to pull a black stocking up her leg ]
Eddie Murphy: [ with eyes glued ] I’m gonna RELAX you, alright!
[ as Eddie watches, licking his lips, Joe Piscopo materializes next to him on the couch ]
Joe Piscopo: Forget it, Eddie!
Eddie Murphy: Hey, Joe, what are you doing in here? GEt out of here, man! Lauren Hutton wants me to relax her, and I’m going to — thoroughly! Take a walk!
Joe Piscopo: [ laughing ] Come on!
Eddie Murphy: Joe, I’m serious, man! The woman got it BAD for me, so you better leave — I’m gonna be needing this couch. Okay? She want me to put it down! So she WILL get put down.
Joe Piscopo: Wait, wait, wait. Eddie, hold on. You’re gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton?
Eddie Murphy: Damn right, I’m gonna make a move on Lauren Hutton!
Joe Piscopo: Are you sure you’re man enough?
Eddie Murphy: [ he laughs ] What are you talking about, man! I’m Eddie Murphy!
Joe Piscopo: Listen — yeah! [ he chuckles ] But we’re not talking about one of those girls from Roosevelt High, Eddie. This is Lauren Hutton, one of the most BEAUTIFUL women in the WORLD!
Eddie Murphy: Joe, I can handle her, okay?
Joe Piscopo: Yeah. You can handle her — she played opposite Burt Reynolds, Robert Redford, Richard Gere… These are white guys, do you know them?
Eddie Murphy: Joe, I don’t care if she played opposite Richard Roundtree, okay? [ Joe laughs ] She WANTS me!
Joe Piscopo: Hey, what makes you think she’d be interested in you?
Eddie Murphy: What? She thinks I’m FUNNY, man!
Joe Piscopo: Yeah, I can’t believe how young you are sometimes, man. Hey — have you ever heard of premature ejaculation?
[ Eddie’s face turns sour, as he looks about the room with worry ]
Joe Piscopo: Yeah?
Eddie Murphy: [ uneasy ] I’ll be okay…
Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, she thinks you’re funny, right?
Eddie Murphy: So…?
Joe Piscopo: Well, what if you take off your clothes, and she thinks you’re even funnier? Edie, we both know the myth isn’t true. [ he nods ]
Eddie Murphy: Oh…
Joe Piscopo: Yeah. Eddie, listen — you know, we’ve been through a lot the last couple of years. We’re pretty tight, right? So I’m just trying to save you from the embarrasment.
[ Eddie nods in agreement ]
Lauren Hutton: Eddie?
Joe Piscopo: So long, pal…
[ Joe waves and disappears into thin air ]
Lauren Hutton: Look at this. [ she steps out in a short black negligee, fully exposing her stocking tops and garters ] I mean, my God! I’m supposed to be playing an archaeologist in this next sketch! They’ve got me in THREE of these things! I think those two writers — you know, those two guys? — they just want me to be in underwear the entire time.
Eddie Murphy: [ he stands, nervously ] Yeah, well, uh… Lauren? I have to go now. Okay? You look real nice… you dress real good! Okay? You take it easy. Good night.
Lauren Hutton: Okay. Keep it up, then.
Eddie MUrphy: Yes!
[ Eddie exits the dressing room ]
[ Hutton steps back behind her dressing room, as a tinkling sound effect is heard and Joe Piscopo lifts his head over the screen and raises his eyebrows for the audience’s delight ]
Spokeswoman…..Mary Gross Denise Dunn Davis…..Lauren Hutton Explorer 1…..Robin Duke Explorer #2…..Christine Ebersole Wendell Winspear…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on Spokeswoman seated in chair and holding a long-stemmed rose ]
Spokeswoman: Hello! You know… I love my life. BUt sometimes I like to go far, far away, into a world of romance and exotic adventure. A world of ruggedly handsome tyrants having their way with shy, but fiery little weaklings. I adore fine literature. That’s why I read Harlequin Romances. And now, for the first time, you fellows can enjoy them, too… with our new Harlequin Romances For Men. [ she holds up a copy of the book ] Here’s one of the men’s favorites: “Forbidden Jungle of Passion”.
[ she opens the book and begins to read, as the scene dissolves to women explorers in the jungle, along with one man disguised as a woman ]
Spokeswoman V/O: “The African jungle was lush and steamy with passion. It was a dangerous and frightening place, sought only by the roughest, most hard-bittenest adventurers. It was no place for a man… but spunky young Wendell Winspear, determined to go along on the expedition, disguised himself as a woman, and was now deep in the jungle with these roughnecks. The expedition was led by the hard, rugged, and tryrannical Denise Dunn Davis. the world-famous explorer, who had always sworn that she would NEVER allow a man on one of her safaris. But could Wendell keep his maleness hidden from the dashing explorer?”
Denise Dunn Davis: Tomorrow, we’ll find that Incan treasure, or my name isn’t Denise Dunn Davis. [ she lights her cigarette ]
Explorer #1: [ to Wendell ] Hey! You want a slug of whiskey? Come on! It’ll do ya’ good!
Wendell Winspear: [ nervously ] I-I-I… no, th-thank you. Y-you all seem to be becoming intoxicated…
Explorer #1: Ho! I know what your problem is, Honey — you need a man! I tell ya’, I could use a man myself right now!
Explorer #2: Yeah! I know what to do with a hunk of beefcake — for five minutes!
[ they laugh at the joke ]
Spokeswoman V/O: “He had to shut his ears to their course remarks. He wondered how they’d feel if they knew… he was a man.”
Denise Dunn Davis: [ stepping forward ] Leave her alone. And I’ve told you a THOUSAND times why I never want a man on one of my expeditions. Too much trouble. [ she whips out a knife and begins to file her fingernails ] I’m ruggedly attractive, but I’m determined. You know that. [ she places the knife in her mouth and picks between her teeth ] And a man — I’ve got no time for.
Wendell Winspear: [ to himself ] You are the most IMPOSSIBLE Woman I’ve ever met!
Denise Dunn Davis: Well… let’s break ten. Baker, you go set down those other tents; you check supplies; Wendy, you come with me, we’ll —
[ Wendell points and screams, as the head of a snake sways in the foreground ]
[ Denise calmly whips out her pistol and shoots the snake dead, as Wendell continues to shiver ]
Denise Dunn Davis: Get a hold of yourself, Wendy! You’re acting like a man!
[ Denise accidentally knocks Wendell’s blonde wig off of his head, then checks his crotch as final confirmation ]
Denise Dunn Davis: My God… you are a man.
Wendell Winspear: [ removing his inner padding ] Yes! Yes, I’m a man! And you’ve been treating me in a BEASTLY way! [ he crosses his arms sternly ]
Denise Dunn Davis: What do you mean, trying to fool Denise Dunn Davis?! Why, I ought to wail you within an INCH of your life!
Wendell Winspear: Oh, go ahead and hit me, you big brute! You’re nothing but a bully and a tyrant, and I’ve NEVER hated any woman so much in my life!
[ Denise grabs Wendell and pulls him down for a kiss on the lips. He responds by slapping her across the face. ]
Denise Dunn Davis: [ tilts her head back and laughs ] You wanted it! We both know that.
[ Denise retreats to her tent, as the other two female explorers return ]
Explorer #2: Hey, look at this! She’s a man! And he’s been here all the time! You shoulda told us sooner, Cupcake!
Explorer #1: Hey, hey, baby! Come on, baby! We’re having a PARTY, and it’s in YOUR LAP, Dreamboat! Come on! [ she stretches across his lapp and thrusts her liquor bottle into his mouth ]
Wendell Winspear: STOP!! Stop it, you animals!! Stop PAWING me!!
[ Denise exits her tent and fires her pistol into the air ]
Denise Dunn Davis: The next one to put a finger on that boy eats lead.
Explorer #2: Hey, what’s the matter, Denise? You turning soft? I mean, it’s only a boy!
Denise Dunn Davis: No! It’s the future Mr. Dunn Davis.
[ music swells ]
Wendell Winspear: [ surprised ] What?!
Denise Dunn Davis: It’s true, my little minx! [ she pulls him to his feet ] I’ve fallen in love with your spunk, your fire, and your adorable nose. And I won’t take No for an answer.
Wendell Winspear: [ ecstatic ] Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
Denise Dunn Davis: [ she jumps into his arms ] You need to be kissed and spanked… and kissed and spanked often, by someone who knows how.
Wendell Winspear: Oh, God… can I be dreaming…?
Spokeswoman V/O: “Then she crushed him in her powerful thighs, and the world went away.”
[ return to the Spokeswoman, as she closes her book and sighs ]
Spokeswoman: What a satisfying read! This classic flowed from the pen of Dierdre deloquaro Dinn, perhaps the only living author to have written more books than she’s read. “Forbidden Jungle of Passion” is only one of THOUSANDS, all almost exactly alike. This is Harlequin Publications, saying: “If Proust and Tolstoy are so great, how come you can’t buy them in a supermarket?” Happy reading!
President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo Secretary…..Brian Doyle Murray Jim…..Tim Kazurinsky Ed Meese…..Tony Rosato Elaine…..Christine Ebersole Marker…..Joe Dicso Reporter…..Andy MUrphy
[ open on exterior, THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C. ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
[ the entire scene takes place from President Ronald Reagan’s point-of-view. As the scene begins, he’s looking down at his desktop as he doodles cartoon characters on a pad. ]
[ he looks up as members of his staff enter ]
Secretary: Good morning!
President Ronald Reagan: Good morning, Jim!
Jim: You’re looking well this morning!
President Ronald Reagan: I feel well!
Secretary: Would you like to take a look at today’s itinerary — I mean, script? [ he chuckles ] Elaine, you want to bring in that shooting script?
Elaine: Yeah! [ she steps forward ] Uh — okay, uh, we’re gonna start with a presidential press conference, and a few of the reporters are going to ask you a few questions about the sale of the AWACs to Saudi Arabia, okay?
President Ronald Reagan: [ confused ] AWACs? What do I say?
Elaine: [ incredulaous ] I gave you the script yesterday. Where is it?
President Ronald Reagan: I must have lost it.
Elaine: Oh, no, not again…
President Ronald Reagan: I’m sorry.
Elaine: Forget it. [ she holds out a script ] Here’s another copy. Okay? Now, uh, did you get the rewrites on the MX missiles?
President Ronald Reagan: [ grabbing the script ] Sure, sure… I’ve got my lines memorized already.
Elaine: [ pleased ] Okay.
President Ronald Reagan: Ooh! Ooh! Is that Ed Meese over there? Uh, Ed! Ed! Could I have a word with you, please?
[ Ed Meese steps forward ]
Ed Meese: Morning, Ron! What’s up?
President Ronald Reagan: How much longer are we going to be making this movie?
Ed Meese: [ he looks around the room ] I’d say… about three more years, Ron. Three more years, at least, yeah.
President Ronald Reagan: Well… the movie’s long, Ed. I hope it’s not going to be another “Heaven’s Gate”!
Ed Meese: Don’t worry about it.
President Ronald Reagan: Ed… Ed, listen. Ed, I really appreciate you getting Nancy a part and all…
Ed Meese: No, no…
President Ronald Reagan: Well, I was thinking… what if there was some romantic conflict? Uh, like that gal who’s playing the new Supreme Court justice? Well, uh, what if she and I…
[ Jim steps forward ]
Jim: Look, uh, Ron? It wouldn’t be right for your character.
Ed Meese: That’s right, Ron.
President Ronald Reagan: Well, that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about! I think my character’s getting AWFULLY unsympathetic!
Ed Meese: No…
Jim: Ron, why don’t you take care of the acting, we’ll take care of the writing? Okay?
President Ronald Reagan: BUt why would the President try to take money away from old people and poor people and kids? I — you know, I just don’t understand it! What’s my motivation?
Ed Meese: Look — Ron…
President Ronald Reagan: And another thing, another thing. If there are any more scenes involving pistols, I want a stand-in! [ Meese shakes his head ] Or at least use BLANKS!
Ed Meese: Alright, look, Ron — Ronnie, who’s directing this picture? Huh?! You… or me?
President Ronald Reagan: Look, Ed, all I want is a stuntman.
Ed Meese: I realize that.
President Ronald Reagan: Like the one we used in that other movie, where I played the governor of California.
Ed Meese: Look — look, Ronnie… between you and me, huh? Pretty soon, we’re gonna go back to the ran– Uh, the western location, okay? And we’ll shoot some ranch stuff, alright?
President Ronald Reagan: Ohhhh, good! I enjoy the horses!
Ed Meese: I know you do! I know you do!
President Ronald Reagan: You know, Ed… that’s what this picture needs — MORE action! Like that Libyan scene! Remember? When you flew those jets out of the sky? Ed… why wasn’t I in that scene?
Ed Meese: Look, Ronnie, don’t worry about it! It was a night shoot, and you need your rest. We didn’t want to wake you.
[ JIm steps forward ]
Jim: Let’s go. [ to Reagan ] How do you feel? You feel good?
President Ronald Reagan: Fine, fine.
Ed Meese: Alright, Make-Up! Let’s get Make-Up in here and shoot this next scene, okay?
[ the Make-Up lady enters and begins to wipe around the lens that represents Reagan’s face ]
President Ronald Reagan: Ed…? Ed…? What’s an AWAC?
Ed Meese: Ron! Please! Just let her do her job, okay? [ to the Make-Up lady ] Alright, get it all IN the hair! Get it all in here! He looks like a pumpkin! Put it up in here.
Elaine: Uh, Mr. Meese? Mr. Meese? The Press is here.
Ed Meese: Alright, everybody! Quiet, please! We’re gonna get ready to roll, okay?
President Ronald Reagan: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Meese.
Ed Meese: SHUT UP, Ron! Please! Everybody, get ready! Screen, Sound, and Slate!
[ the Marker steps forward with the slate ]
Marker: Presidential Press Conference, Take 1!
Ed Meese: And… ACTION!
[ the reporters rush into the Oval Office and surround the screen ]
Reporters: MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!!
Sarah Gould…..Robin Duke Cheryl Tiegs…..Christine Ebersole Brooke Shields…..Mary Gross Audience Member #1…..Rosie Shuster Audience Member #2…..?? …..Lauren Hutton
[ open on talk show set, with title card superimposed over the panel ]
Sarah Gould: Good morning! I’m Sarah Gould, and welcome to “Reach Out”! Today, our celebrity guests are going to try to REACH OUT to those of you in the audience who have problems! So you just ask us, and we’ll try to solve them! And now, I’d like to welcome our guests from the world of high fashion modeling: Brooke Shields, the 16-year old who took the professsion by storm… and Cheryl Tiegs, who is often called the All-American Model.
Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Sarah, excuse me, but I don’t think of myself as model. I’m more of a personality and commentator.
Brooke Shields: [ giggling ] Yeah! And I’m not a model, either. I think of myself as an actress!
Cheryl Tiegs: Me, too! I think of myself as an actress, and a television personality, and a photographer!
Brooke Shields: Me, too!
Sarah Gould: Well, now, isn’t that fascinating? And now, Brooke, how is that lawsuit coming along? Aren’t you trying to stop some pictures or something from bring published?
Brooke Shields: Yeah! This scummy guy took naked pictures of me at ten, and now he’s trying to push me as some kind of porno star! How DARE he! That’s my mother’s job!
Sarah Gould: [ looking into the audience ] I — I — I think I see somebody with a problem. Yes? Do you have a problem?
[ cut to Audience Member #1 ]
Audience Member #1: Yes. I’d like to addres my problem to Cheryl Tiegs. I’ve seen you so often, I feel like your my friend!
Sarah Gould: Yes, what’s the problem, dear?
Audience Member #1: Uh — I need a kidney transplant, desperately… and I-I can’t afford it. I’m in agonizing pain day and night, but I don’t have any way of getting the money. Can you help me?
Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Oh, you poor thing… I — I know just how you feel. At one time, I needed money… and so I sold my name to Sears-Roebuck.
Brooke Shields: Sears?! Pee-yoo! Gross, total!
Cheryl Tiegs: Yes, I know. And they put it on a line of jeans. It was pretty humiliating, but now I make countless of thousands of dollars for doing nothing. Um — have you thought about selling your name?
Audience Member #1: [ shaking her head ] No. No, no, I haven’t. And I don’t see why they would be interested.
Brooke Shields: I sell jeans, too! Look! [ she stands on her head and sticks her Calvin Klein jeans high into the air ]
Sarah Gould: I think we have another question! [ pointing into the audience ] Hello? You, right there! Hello?
[ cut to Audience Member #2, just to the upper right of Audience Member #1 ]
Audience Member #2: [ in thick accent ] I have a problem for Brooke and Cheryl.
Sarah Gould: Oh! Uh, go ahead.
Audience Member #2: Okay, I’m working 18 hours a day in a sweatshop. Two of the girls was KILLED last week, when some of the machines cut them! And we’re still working with the same machines!
Cheryl Tiegs: UM… I know how you feel. Uh, modeling is really hard work. I mean, honestly, some people thin it’s just glamour, glamour, glamour! Um, but it’s really very. very hard. I mean, you have to get up early, and you have to wait around for them to fix, uh, your face and to fix your clothes, and… I mean, honestly, if you’re the slightest bit late, they act really mean. I mean, we earn that $1,500 an hour, we really do!
Brooke Shields: Yeah, really! And what about acting? We have to memorize all that stuff! What a pain! [ to Sarah ] Can I talk about my new movie? My mom says I gotta! It’s about a 17-year old girl’s introduction to sex. It’s a new kind of role for me, since before I only played a 10-year old girl’s introduction to sex, a 14-year old girl’s introduction to sex, and a 16-year old girl’s introduction to sex. BUt my mom said I’ve got to take challenges!
Cheryl Tiegs: [ leaning in ] I used to be on “Good Morning, America”, uh, reading cue cards. That was really hard, a lot harder than doing movies.
Brooke Shields: Oh, take a hike, Grandma! You’re over the hill! They’re saving a BED for her at the Old Model’s Home! [ she giggles ]
Cheryl Tiegs: Uh, you know what’s gonna come between you and your Calvins? My FOOT!! [ Brooke sticks her tongue out ] Watch it, Jailbait!
Sarah Gould: [ laughing ] I think I see a hand out there! Yes?
[ reveal Lauren Hutton standing in the audience ]
Lauren Hutton: Hello?
Sarah Gould: Yes! Your problem? We’re here to help.
Lauren Hutton: Hmm… I’m a model, and my problem is the insulting way models are stereotyped as BRAINLESS, OVERGROOMED SLICES OF BEEF!! Right here! Brooke and Cheryl happen to be my friends!
Sarah Gould: [ stunned ] Oh! Really?
Lauren Hutton: Yes, really!
Brooke Shields: We — we weren’t making fun of Brooke Shields and Cheryl Tiegs! We were making fun of… the ridiculous, uh… capitalistic, sexist system that exploits them for profit! Really!
Cheryl Tiegs: Yeah!
Lauren Hutton: [ seething ] This kind of stuff BURNS me up! Models aren’t DUMB! Cheryl Tiegs has a phD from Oxford in Bio-engineering! [ a page steps forward ] What?!
Page: They need you in Make-Up.
Lauren Hutton: They do not!
Sarah Gould: Well!
Lauren Hutton: [ as she retreats ] Brooke Shields is one of the world’s leading microphysicists! Cybil Dhepard invented the laser beam!
Sarah Gould: Well! Dear me! Isn’t that true? Well, that’s all the time we have left right now! Tomorrow, please join us and we’ll be solving your personal heartfelt problems with a NEW celebrity panel — Don Rickles and Foster Brooks! So, until tomorrow, this is “Reach Out”, saying, “We care about you.”
Announcer: He’s hosted the Tonight Show almost as much as Johnny. For years he’s made America laugh and now hereeeeeeeeee’s Cos!
(Bill Cosby comes out in front of the Tonight Show curtain)
Bill Cosby: Thank you! Thank you much! Just stop it! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so happy my wife Camille would let me come out and play with you tonight. This is really nice.
(Cut to a record album entitled “Here’s Cos”)
Announcer: Yes, all of Bill Cosby’s hilarious Tonight Show monologues are here in one special collection. Hear Cos start stories that don’t go anywhere.
Bill Cosby: I have these daughters, all of which have at least, at least two fingers on each hand.
Announcer: Concepts that aren’t funny.
Bill Cosby: Fear…
Announcer: You’ll hear him talk about people you’ve never heard of.
Bill Cosby: Every neighborhood had a kid who always wore a purple shirt, used to run real fast and pick his navel. You know him, don’t you?
Announcer: No, we don’t, but that doesn’t stop Cos, it’s all here. The mumbling,
Bill Cosby: (Mumbles)
Announcer: The mugging.
Bill Cosby: (mugs with an open mouth)
Announcer: And the plugging!
Bill Cosby: On November 15th, I will be appearing at the Sahara Hotel, standing in the lobby, selling copies of my album. So come on and buy one. It’ll make you smile.
Announcer: Rush $9.95 to “Here’s Cos Burbank, Calif.”
Bill Cosby: You know you want to smile. I saw you look like this (rolls eyes) That’s right. You do.
[ open on Tony Rosato typing in Writer’s Lounge as bouncy music plays him in ]
Tony Rosato: Hi! I’m Tony Rosato. Each week, we try to come up with some ideas for the show that are funny. [ he laughs] Unfortunately, some of our favroite ideas are usually incredibly cheap. For example: Since this week our hostess was Lauren Hutton, and she appeared in “American Gigolo”, we thought we’d do a parody called “American Jigaboo.” [ he laughs at the pun ] Unfortunately, it was SO cheap, and SO racist, that even Eddie Murphy wouldn’t do it. That’s another story. Anyway, let’s take a look and xee what our Cheap Laff is for this week. [ he lifts up the garbage can and pulls out a script ] I think this is it. Here’s tonight’s Cheap Laff. [ reading ] “Open on a beautiful, sexy movie star in a dressing room. She’s just about to…”
[ dissolve to Lauren Hutton in her dressing room, as soft saxophone music plays ]
Lauren Hutton: Hi. I’m Lauren Hutton. I like my martinis dry, my steaks rare, and my men hard. My men like to work hard, play hard, and when they come home… they want to wipe hard. They want… [ she holds up product ] Macho Wipe. It’s one tough toilet paper that’s not afraid to roll up its sleeves and get the job done! Watch.
[ dissolve to Spokesman standing before stacks of Macho Wipes ]
Spokesman: [ deep-voiced ] It never lets ME down! [ he grabs a competitor’s brand ] Here’s regular soft toilet tissue — the kind WIMPS use! [ he tosses it over his shoulder, then tears a ply of Macho Wipe ] Macho Wipe is one TOUGH toilet paper! [ he rubs it on his face, the scratchy sound effect extra loud for effect ] Tough enough to take care of a bear in the woods… [ he lifts a bat and lowers his voice ] and still tough enough to take the finish off this baseball bat! Watch! [ he rubs the Macho Wipe across the bat shaft ]
[ Hutton steps in and wraps her arm around the Spokesman ]
Lauren Hutton: Try new Macho Wipe. In Medium, Course, and Super Abrasive. All my men use Macho Wipe… or they use nothing at all.
[ dissolve back to Tony Rosato, now wearing bunny ears ]
Tony Rosato: Whoo-hee! Well — now, that was cheap. See you next week with “CHeap Laffs”.
[ he crumples the script in his hand and tosses it over his shoulder ]
