Telepsychic Ray … Dan Aykroyd Caller #1 … Laraine Newman Caller #2 … John Belushi Caller #3 … Bill Murray Caller #4 … Jane Curtin Caller #5 … Garrett Morris
[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddlyaccented man — wearing a brown plaid jacket,ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses — sitshunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a signthat reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies infront of him as he addresses the camera.]
Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D.This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I’ll be takingyour calls today. Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3,and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life,money, love — I’ll predict for ya, okay? [answersphone] Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how oldam I gonna live to?
Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?
Daughter: Okay, I won’t worry. [ she pats a small dog sitting with them on the loveseat ] How’s, uh, little Bootsie here?
Mrs. Arthur: Worried.
Daughter: Mom, are you ready to go to dinner? [ she stands ]
Mrs. Arthur: Well, I thought — I thought we could have an appetizer here first!
Daughter: Mom, Mom — we’ll eat at the restaurant.
Mrs. Arthur: Oh, but I made your favorite! Brisket and a roast potato!
Daughter: Mom… Mom, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant — Madrigal — It’s your birthday. I’m taking you there so you’ll be happy!
Mrs. Arthur: But, honey — oh, baby — I HATE to see you spend your money on me. Why don’t you save up and… buy yourself a coat?
Daughter: Mom, I have a coat. I have LOTS of coats.
Mrs. Arthur: Well — you — you — you could have MY coat! [ she grabs her fur off the loveseat and hands it over ]
Daughter: Mom, I don’t want to take your coat. I don’t want it, alright?
Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…
Daughter: Mom, could you stop apologizing?
Mrs. Arthur: I’m sorry…
Daughter: Mother! You are just — you are just trying to make me feel GUILTY!
[ they sit ]
Mrs. Arthur: Don’t DO anything that makes you feel guilty, and you won’t feel guilty.
Daughter: Mother, could you just go and put the brisket back in the fridge, and we’re going out to dinner, okay? It’s your birthday.
Mrs. Arthur: [ she throws up her arms ] Whatever you want…
[ Mrs. Arthur gets up and exits into the other room ]
[ she stands up on the loveseat and begins to jump on the cushions like a little girl ]
[ after a moment, she climbs down, crosses the room and dials the phone ]
Daughter: Uh, yeah — is this the doorman? Uh — I was wondering, uh — could you, uh — send a cab for Mrs. Arthur’s apartment, 18-K? Yeah. And you’ll phone us when it’s there? Okay, thank you.
[ she hangs up and returns to sit on the loveseat, as her mother returns from the other oom carrying the brisket ]
Mrs. Arthur: Oh, here, baby — take the brisket!
Daughter: Mom, I don’t — I don’t want it!
Mrs. Arthur: Well, honey, I don’t like brisket. I never eat it, so take it, I can’t —
Daughter: I don’t — Mother! I don’t want to walk into a restaurant carrying a brisket!
Mrs. Arthur: You can CHECK the brisket!
Daughter: I DON’T want to check the brisket!
Mrs. Arthur: Why?! Is there a law saying you can’t check a brisket while I — I don’t see the President passing new legislation about checking brisket!
Daughter: [ through clenched teeth ] I am NOT… taking… the brisket… to… the restaurant!
Mrs. Arthur: [ insisting ] Take the brisket.
Daughter: [ taking the brisket ] Help, God. Get me out of this discussion.
Mrs. Arthur: It was a $12 brisket.
Daughter: Okay, Mom, okay. Alright. [ she opens her purse ] $12… $12. Here, Mom — take the $12! [ she hands the money over ]
Mrs. Arthur: Mrs. Kelman’s daughter checked a veal roast at Trader Vic’s!
Daughter: [ putting the money away ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter calls her every day… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter took Mrs. Kelman to Nassau… Mrs. Kelman’s daughter has three wonderful grandchildren… and Mrs. Kelman’s daughter does it with your dentist in the SAME chair where you get your teeth cleaned!
Mrs. Arthur: I DON’T want to hear this!
[ silence, as they struggle for something to say to one another ]
Daughter: That’s, uh — that’s a nice tea set. Is it new?
Mrs. Arthur: [ pleased to talk about it ] It’s Japanese! [ she picks it up ] Here. Take it!
Daughter: [ exasperated ] Mom, would you quit trying to give me stuff? It’s your birthday. Can’t I give you something?
Mrs. Arthur: All I want is your respect.
Daughter: Oh. I’d rather give you a gift.
Mrs. Arthur: What?
Daughter: [ she opens her purse and pulls out some cigarettes ] Nothing. Do you have an ashtray?
Mrs. Arthur: What for?
Daughter: I want to throw up in it.
Mrs. Arthur: I thought you QUIT smoking?
Daughter: [ as she lights up ] Mrs. Kelman’s daughter quit smoking. The adulteress!
Mrs. Arthur: Is, uh… that what you’re wearing?
Daughter: No. This is what Carmen Miranda is wearing. She’s wearing what I’m wearing. Our outfits got mixed up on the way over here.
Mrs. Arthur: Are you sure you’ll be warm enough to eat?
Daughter: No, Mother. Actually, I’m not sure whether I have any clothes at all! You know, I’m 32 years old, and I don’t know how to dress myself! I mean, I don’t even know how gto cook an egg. I think you just break it out onto a plate, and it comes out scrambled. And, you know, Mom? I tap dance in the bath tub. And I’m always putting my finger into electric sockets. And, uh — this is something you don’t know, Mom — uh — I shave my armpits with a carving knife. And I forget to put my pants back on every time I go to the bathroom! And I LOVE picking my nose SO much, that the underneath of YOUR couch is caked with SNOT!! [ she puffs on her cigarette ]
Mrs. Arthur: [ she picks up her dog ] Maybe Bootsie would like some brisket?
[ the telephone rings; Daughter picks up ]
Daughter: Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thanks very much. Alright, we’ll be right down. [ she hangs up ] Mom, the cab’s here.
Mrs. Arthur: Here. [ she holds up her fur coat ]
Daughter: [ helping her into the coat ] Mom, don’t you think you’re gonna be hot in this coat? It’s so heavy. [ a beat ] Wait. Wait a minute. [ she laughs ] You have lipstick all over your teeth.
Mrs. Arthur: [ pointing in her mouth ] Here?
Daughter: No. Wait on, I’ll get it. Come here. [ she wipes off the lipstick with a Kleenex ] There you go.
Mrs. Arthur: How do I look?
Daughter: [ tenderly ] You look beautiful. Come on, let’s go.
[ Daughter exits the apartment, as Mrs. Arthur turns around to take the brisket with her before exiting ]
[ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Sesame Streetwalker” ]
[ zoom past the Scotch Boutique to its neighbor, Mary’s Candies ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mary standing alone behind the counter reading a magazine, no customers in sight ]
[ Jenny Rocker enters, carrying a small box ]
Jenny Rocker: Hi, Mary!
Mary: Hi,
Jenny Rocker: Aren’t you, uh, going over to the uh, Going Out of Business Sale for Puppy Land with Diane and Joann?
Mary: No. I don’t think I could go over there without crying. Just tell them goodbye for me, and that I wish them good luck in whatever they get themselves into next.
Jenny Rocker: How’s business?
Mary: Oh. Well, yesterday I sold about ten dollars’ worth, but today hasn’t been so good. How are things at the Scotch Boutique?
Jenny Rocker: [ elated ] Oh, the Scotch tape business is GREAT! And did you see the signs all over that say “Thomas Shoes: Going Out of Business”?
Mary: Yes. I did.
Jenny Rocker: [ proudly ] That was our tape they used to put them up.
Mary: [ she tsks ] With Thomas Shoes closing out, that’ll make it TEN stores that moved out of the mall so far this year.
Jenny Rocker: Yeah, I know.
Mary: Ugh.
[ Floyd Hunger enters ]
Floyd Hunger: Hi, Jenny. Mary.
Mary: Hi, Floyd.
Jenny Rocker: Hi, Floyd. Aren’t you going to the party for, uh, Puppy Land?
Floyd Hunger: Yeah, well, I was just on my way. I thought I’d drop by, get some candy, and bring it as a Going Away gift.
Mary: What? The mall is really going under, isn’t it?
Floyd Hunger: I think business will be picking up, as soon as this gas crisis gets worse. Remember: We’re two miles closer to town than the new mall. And nobody’s gonna want to waste all that gas to drive to a mall that’s two miles farther away. We’re closer.
Jenny Rocker: [ prosperously ] I never thought of that, Floyd!
Floyd Hunger: Sure.
Mary: Then, why is Puppy Land going out of business? I mean, why can’t you make them hold on until next month?
Floyd Hunger: Well, Mary, with puppies it’s different than with candy, or scotch tape, or men’s clothing. If I’ve got a man’s suit on the rack for six months, it’s no big deal. But if you keep puppies on inventory for six months… they turn into dogs. It’s as bad as the egg business.
Jenny Rocker: Yeah. I heard they don’t have one puppy in there… that is less than eight months old. As a matter of fact — [ she laughs ] the garbagemen joke that Puppy Land’s trash bags only contain Cycle 2 dog food! [ she laughs alone ] That’s like… a joke they made up. D-didn’t you ever see the commercial where they have different cans of dog food for different age dogs.
Mary: No. I never did.
Floyd Hunger: I must have missed that one.
Jenny Rocker: Well… one can is called Cycle 1, and it’s for puppies… and the other’s called Cycle 2, and it’s for dogs over six months old. And, uh, that’s what they meant when they said that there’s only — [ she laughs again ] Cycle 2 dog food in the… trash… because all of Puppy Land’s puppies are old — that, um — th-they don’t eat Cycle 1 any more.
[ more silence; Floyd nods politely ]
Floyd Hunger: I think, maybe, we’d better get over there.
[ suddenly, Ron enters ]
Ron: It’s Puppy Land party time!
Floyd Hunger: We were just on our way.
Jenny Rocker: Yeah. [ laughing ] Did you hear the joke that the garbagemen are making about the dog food in Puppy Land’s trash?
Ron: No.
Floyd Hunger: Why don’t you go on over there, and I’ll get some candy, and I’ll join you guys?
Jenny Rocker: Oh! What are you giving them?
Ron: [ he holds up a bottle ] Shampoo. They may be broke inside, but they’re gonna have CLEAN hair! [ he laughs ] I’ll see you over there, Floyd. See you over there.
Mary: Okay.
Jenny Rocker: Bye, Mary!
Mary: Bye.
[ Ron and Jenny exit ]
Floyd Hunger: Uh, Mary, I think I’ll take about seventy-five cents worth of the, uh, almond cremes, and, uh —
Mary: Okay. And I’ll put in some raisin clusters, okay?
Floyd Hunger: Uhh — sure, sure.
Mary: And would you tell them that I sent them?
Floyd Hunger: Yeah, certainly. Uhh — you can put this on my bill, can’t ya’?
Mary: Well, Floyd… I hate to say anything, but you still do owe me $7.95 for a Valentine’s box of assorted creams. I mean —
[ Floyd holds his composure, as Kevin enters ]
Kevin: Hi, Mary! Hi, Mr. HUnger!
Mary: Hi, Kevin.
Floyd Hunger: Hi, Kevin.
Kevin: Hi.
Floyd Hunger: Uh, Kevin? Do you have seventy-five cents you can loan me until tomorrow?
Kevin: Yeah, I do, Mr. Hunger. [ he takes out an impressive wad of bills ] You got change for a twenty?
Mary: [ impressed ] Kevin, you do have a lot of money!
Kevin: Yeah, well, I’ve been helping Will Hardware move, you know?
Floyd Hunger: [ embarrassed ] Ah — I don’t think I have any small bills on me, Kev. Uh, how about if I just take this twenty? I’ll pay it back to you, tomorrow.
Kevin: Okay.
Floyd Hunger: [ he grabs the candies ] I’ll bring that change around tomorrow, then, Mary.
[ Floyd Hunger exits ]
Kevin: Uhhh — they said they really want you over at the party, Mary. So I volunteered to watch your store while you go over there for a while.
Mary: Oh, thanks, Kevin. But I don’t like to leave this store. You never can tell — a customer might come in.
Kevin: Well, I could come over and get you if somebody came in. That’s what I was thinking I’d do. [ he moves a box of candy around the counter ]
Mary: No, thanks, Kevin. I don’t think I should.
Kevin: Oh. Okay, then. Maybe I’ll take a box of chocolate-covered peanuts, aaaaaaand a box of vanilla caramels.
Mary: [ she places a box on the counter ] Oh, I bet that party is pretty, pretty sad.
Kevin: Nah! I just don’t want to stay, you know, because of the smell. You know, most of the people are standing in a doorway. You know, it’s not as bad there.
Mary: Oh, dear. That’ll be $8.70. They’re $4.35 a pound.
Kevin: [ looking among his bills ] Gee, all I’ve got is these twenties. It’s the smellest thing I’ve got.
Mary: [ grabbing his twenty ] Well, why don’t you drop by tomorrow, and I’ll give you your change?
Kevin: [ with some hesitation ] Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Mary: Okay. Bye, Kevin.
Kevin: Bye, Mary.
[ Kevin exits ]
[ the Puppy Land girls enter ]
Puppy Land Girl #1: Hi, Mary.
Puppy Land Girl #2: Hi, Mary!
Mary: Oh, hi!
Puppy Land Girl #2: We knew you couldn’t leave the candy store, so we came to say goodbye to you.
Mary: Aww, that’s so nice of you.
Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, thanks so much for the box of candies.
Mary: Oh, that’s okay!
Puppy Land Girl #1: Listen, uh — you don’t mind if we keep a few dogs in here for a while, while we’re cleaning things out over there?
Mary: Ohhhh, no. No, I don’t mind.
Puppy Land Girl #1: Oh, good. I’ll start bringing them in. [ she hands a puppy over the counter ]
Mary: Oh.
Puppy Land Girl #2: Aren’t they cute? They’re only eight weeks old.
Mary: Well! Now, you see, isn’t that something how rumors get started? They were saying that you did’nt have a puppy over there under six months old.
Puppy Land Girl #2: [ she sighs ] Well, actually, that was true. It’s kind of embarrassing, but a couple of our puppies had puppies! [ she chuckles lightly ]
Mary: Oh.
[ Puppy Land Girl #1 returns with a larger dog in her arms. Kevin is right behind her, with two more dogs. ]
Puppy Land Girl #2: Oh, here they come, here they come! I — I think I’d better give them a hand. They might need help with some of the bigger ones.
Mary: Oh.
Puppy Land Girl #1: [ to the dogs ] Stay! Stay!
Puppy Land Girl #2: Okay, guys.
Puppy Land Girl #1: Stay!
Mary: Stay. Stay.
[ the dogs begin to run around the candy store ]
[ dissolve to interior of the mini-mall, pulling back on the candy store facade ]
Maureen Stapleton: Good night, everyone. We had a great time, you were a great audience. [ she glances at the cast as they surround her ] And they are the most lovely group of people!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 19 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
May 19th, 1979 Maureen Stapleton Linda Ronstadt Phoebe Snow None None Paul Shaffer Tom Davis Andy Murphy Telepsychic RayRecurring Characters: Telepsychic Ray. Transcript
Montage
Maureen Stapleton’s Monologue
The Navy AdventureSummary: It’s more than a job – it’s a small handful of money each week. Note: Repeat from 78o.
Houseguest Idi AminRecurring Characters: Idi Amin.
Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow perform “It’s In His Kiss”Also Performed: Also Performed:
…..Jane Curtin …..Bill Murray Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris Margaret Thatcher…..Michael Palin Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Jane Curtin: Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman remarry. This story and more on “Weekedn Update”, next.
[ fade out, then in ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: President Carter expressed anger and shock after the House of Representatives rejected his standby gasoline rationing plan, and challenged the House to come up with its own plan. Well, Republican Minority Leader John Rhoades reportedly has developed a new plan, whereby only white people can get gas. Mulattos and Orientals would be allowed to fill their tanks halfway, but only with regular.
NASA, the National Aeronomics and Space Agency, says that Skylab, a 77-ton space laboratory, is losing its orbit and will hurtle toward Earth between now and September. 500 pieces of the vessel will survive re-entry, the largest weighing 5,000 pounds, with many more over 1,000 pounds. NASA doesn’t know where any of these lethal fireballs will crash to Earth, but it is hoped that most of them will land on NASA Headquarters in Houston.
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: Costumed laboratiory mice, chanting “Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna! Hare Rama! Hare Rama!” broke out of their cages at Duke University yesterday, commandered golf carts from a nearby course, and went for a 48-hour spree through downtown Durham, North Carolina, shattering store windows, screaming mouse insults, and shimmying unashamedly to a combination of disco music and punk rock. There were no arrests made.
Well, it looks like age has finally caught up with Chico Escuela. The 42-year-old former Met made the Mets’ Spring Training, but once the season began, it was a different story.
[ cut to footage of Chico performing poorly at Spring Training ]
As if his entire body betrayed him, Chico looks spastic and bewildered, both at bat and in the field. Ground balls that Chico would have easily gotten in his prime, eluded him and contributed to the Mets’ slow start this season. Although the crowds were always behind the former hero, he never ceased to disappoint them. As the spirit was willing, Chico’s arms, legs, eyes and reflexes were shot to hell.. and then, this.. [ baseball hits Chico in the crotch ] ..to add insult to injury, a crushing blow off the bat of Dodger Steve Garvey. After being revived, a now sterile Chico Escuela informed the Mets that he was quitting baseball. Thus ends the inspiring saga of Chico Escuela. Chico will rejoin us here at the “Weekend Update” desk as soon as he catches his breath. Jane?
Jane Curtin: The New York State Health Department said that DES, a drug taken by pregnant mothers to prevent miscarriages, causes cancer in their children. As a public service, “Weekend Update” proclaims that any child whose mom has taken DES doesn’t have to buy her a Mother’s Day gift tomorrow.
Last week, Britain elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman Prime Minister in European history. Right now, “Weekend Update” is bouncing a live signal between our studios and #10 Downing Street, London, where Prime Minister Thatcher is waiting to talk to us. [ Thatcher appears on the screen behind Jane ] Mrs. Prime Minister, can you hear me?
Margaret Thatcher: Yes, yes, I can, Jane.
Jane Curtin: Well, first of all, our congratulations on becomingGreat Britain’s first woman Prime Minister.
Margaret Thatcher: Well, thank you, Jane. Throughout our history, Great Britain has been blessed by several great women leaders – Queen Elizabeth, Queen Victoria, Jeremy Faulk..
Jane Curtin: Mrs. Thatcher, during the campaign, you stopped wearing those outlandish hats you were known for. Now that you’ve been elected, do you plan to start wearing hats again?
Margaret Thatcher: [ laughing ] What are you talking about, Jane? This is a hat! Yes, it’s my lucky hat. I wore it all throughout the campaign.
Jane Curtin: I see.. Well, turning to more serious matters, Mrs. Prime Minister, are you going to reverse England’s Rhodesia policy and lift sanctions against the new government?
Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Yes, I am leaning that way, Jane. After all, there was an election – one person, one vote. Now, I ask you..
Jane Curtin: Uh, excuse me.. it wasn’t exactly “one person, onevote”. The whites were obviously..
Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Can I just finish? There is an internal settlement, there is a black Prime Minister elected in a Democratic election..
Jane Curtin:Uh.. not really Democratic. The internal settlement..
Margaret Thatcher: May I finish..?
Jane Curtin: The internal settlement guaranteed the whites adisproportionate number of seats in Parliament, enough to veto anymeaningful change in the next ten years! Whites will continue to control the Police, the Army, the Civil Service, housing.. perpetuating the system of oppresion that fuels the fire of revolution, and creates a breeding ground for Soviet expansionism!
Margaret Thatcher: Jane, you are an ignorant slut.
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Prime Minster Thatcher, for joining us tonight.
Bill Murray: As Salt II approaches, rumors about Soviet Premier Brezhnev’s health have increased. It was revealed yesterday that Vienna was chosen for the talks because the ailing Soviet leader would only have to take an easy train ride. Here, in a party meeting, Brezhnev grabs a fellow member for support.
This week — May 10th, to be exact — marked the 80th birthday of one of our idols, Fred Astaire. He was born in 1899, which means he’s actually older than the 20th Century. And this one is for you, Fred, from all of us.
[ Bill and Jane put on top hats and take out a pair of dancing canes ]
Jane and Bill: [ singing ] “Birthday. Happy birthday. Though your dancing shoes are showing wear and tear You have reached the big 8-0, and you’re still there. So I wish Happy Birthday, Fred Astaire.”
Jane Curtin: Astronomers are baffled over a new peculiar star that has been spotted in the sky. And here with a report, is our friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father?
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Thank you very much!
Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father, I noticed your not wearing your red stripes. Did something happen, you weren’t promoted to Monsignor?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it was.. it was just postponed a little bit, Jane. They said there was some problem with the paperwork, and I’d have to wait for the next group. I don’t know if they’re giving me a ring around bush, what’s going on, I’ll tell you. I think I’m-a gonna be promoted soon, because I came up with a great idea, and I think they’re gonna like it and promote me right away.
Jane Curtin: What was the idea?
Father Guido Sarducci: It’s called the Shrine-Mobile. The Shrine-Mobile. I was in-a this-a big-a meeting, you know? And there was all these cardinals, and the bishops, and they was all-a really down and depressed, you know.. because they just got this-a report back, and it said that the take in the shrines is off-a 55%. And-a the reason is because-a the price of gasoline is so expensive – it’s $2.50 a gallon. People just-a can’t afford to drive down to the shrines, you know? So I said to them, “Where’s that ol’ walk-on-water spirit?” You know, Procter & Gamble wouldn’t take it sitting down. You know, if the people can’t-a drive to the shrines, you drive-athe shrines to the people. You know, I figured you get in these old trucks, put the statues on the back, put some rocks around the statues, put some candles down by the feet, you know? You get the seminarians to drive – you can pay ’em peanuts. I figure if we could make like $100 a truck a month, you get 100 trucks, it’s nothing to sneeze-a your nose at, you know? So it’s gonna to be good for me.
[ gets to his commentary ]
Well, there’s this-a new planet that they spotted. It’s gonna be something, it’s got these-a astronomers baffled in the house. [ holds up photo of the galaxy ] This is it right-a here, I hope-a you can-a see it. They call it SS-433, and they found out it’s-a coming toward Earth at 30,000 miles a second. But.. it’s also going away from Earth at 30,000 miles a second. It seems-a to be coming and-a going. It just breaks all the laws of physics, they don’t know what to make of it. So I went to the-a Vatican library, looked up these old archives – you know we’ve been-a involved with astronomy and astrology for years and years , hundreds of years. And, I did-a find it, in-a this old book. The planet was called Vienne et Viennu Planet.. it means A-Coming and A-Going Planet.. and the book says that there is life there, and it’s-a very interesting. It says that everyone there lives to be 200 years old. But it’s not like they get to be real old.. what happens is, they get to 100, then they start going back again. It’s like, 70, 80, 90, 100.. then, 90, 80, 70, 60.. then you’re like a teenager again, then you know a kid again, and then you know..you have to go back. I understand this-a little article says it’s even-a more tramautic than-a being born. And what’s interesting – people on this planet, just from looking at one another, they can’t tell who’s-a coming and who’s-a going. So, like, maybe two peple meet, they’re 20 years old, a fellow and a girl. They’re 20, and first you know, he’s 22 and she’s 18.. then, you know, he’s-a 25 and she’s-a 15.. and you know pretty soon you find yourselves in a lot of trouble, and then the first thing, you got a little baby on your hands, you know?
I read about this other planet, too, in the same book. [ holds out his fists ] It’s-a like, the sun is-a here and the Earth is-a here.. and on-a the other side-a of the sun, there’s this other planet we can’t see, you know, because the sun is-a blocking it from us.. but it’s-a just-a like-a the Earth in every single way, it’s like a mirror planet of Earth. There’s only one difference, and it’s that they eat-a corn on-a the cob-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates eating corn on the cob North-South instead of West-East ] That’s it! That’s the only difference. I’m not going there, you know, it’s-a too messy. I’m used to eating it-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates West-East eating structure ] I just don’t want-a change, habit like.
Well, it’s been-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple-a moments with you. Arreviderci, America!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant Mother’s Day.
[ open on Tom Snyder seated at cozy restaurant table with his mother ]
Tom Snyder: Mom, I would just like to say that this is sort of a double occasion tonight. ‘Cause I’m taking you out for Mother’s Day, and we’re also celebrating the return of the “Tomorrow” show to Gotham!
Ma Snyder: [ speaking in a drawl that matches Tom ] Well, by golly, I’m happy to be here, too, Tommy! But let me say this to you, bearing in mind that a mother of years, as well as being her son’s biggest fan, also his harshest critic — you look like HELL!
Tom Snyder: Well, don’t bring me down, Mom!
Ma Snyder: I brought you up, why shouldn’t I being you down? [ a beat, then she titls her head back and guffaws ] If you’ll just hear me out, son, you’ll find amusing humor will illustrate a point. The fact is, Tom: You’re doing the “Tomorrow” show, you’ve just taken on a new show called “Prime Time”, and there’s talk about you anchoring the news. So, my question, then, to you, son, is: Why the HECK don’t you slow down before you burn yourself out?!
Tom Snyder: Oh, alright, alright, fair enough! You’re my mother, you want to know what makes Tommy run: Work is my life! TV is my home! I enjoy talking to strangers, asking inane questions, and rambling incoherently in front of millions of viewers at one o’clock in the morning!
Ma Snyder: Alright, Tom, fair enough! But it’s a mother’s prerogative to be concerned for her son!
Tom Snyder: Mom, you’ve ALWAYS been my best gal — it was DAD I had the problem with. I was always afraid he knew how I felt about ya’ and was jealous. My God, I’d like to have a nickel for every night I’d lay in my bed awake for fear he’d come in and SNIP the darn thing off! [ he lets out a guffaw ]
Ma Snyder: I wish I had a nickel for every time I stopped him!
Tom Snyder: Well, thank you, Mom, and I’m glad you did. To show my appreciation for being the wonderful mom that you are, I’d like to give you this mother’s Day gift. [ he hands her a small box ]
Ma Snyder: Thank you, Tommy. [ she shakes the box close to her ear ] What is it?
Tom Snyder: I’ll give ya a hint: It’s kinda free, it’s kinda wow!
Ma Snyder: [ thinking ] Charlie?
Tom Snyder: Charlie! Ha!
Ma Snyder: Oh, Tommy, you shouldn’t have.
Tom Snyder: Well, Mom, I did it because I’m fond of you, I respect ya’, I admire ya’, I, I — well — [ he sips his wine and chokes ] What the HECK, Mom: I LOVE YA’, Mom! There! I said it, I meant it! Happy Mother’s Day!
[ Tom kisses his mother, as they both make pouty lips ]
Fred Silverman: Ladies and gentlemen, in the past few weeks you may have been reading and hearing reports that talk about bad times at NBC. They say that Fred Silverman has been President for one year, instead of making things better, he’s actually made them worse. Ladies and gentlemen, this is partially not true. It’s not one year – I’ve only been President for 11 months. And when I took over NBC 11 short months ago, I didn’t promise any miracles. I knew that I was taking on a challenge that was just about impossible to wing. I was given absolutely nothing to work with. I inherited shows that even I considered stupid and inane! I said to myself, if I only I had a “Mork & Mindy”, if only I had a “New Newlywed Game”! But when I came to this network, I didn’t even have a “Hello, Larry!” But now, I do.
[ show picture of McLean Stevenson ]
And how about Gary Cloleman, huh? Where did he come from? Whose idea was this Gary Coleman? [ Gary Coleman picture appears ] It was mine, that’s who! And who was it who talked Johnny Carson out of quitting? [ show picture of Johnny Carson ] It was me, that’s who! And who was it who talked Tom Snyder out of quitting? [ show picture of Tom Snyder ] It was me, that’s who! Why doesn’t the press ever mention any of our successes? Why don’t they mention that I’m developing a new line-up in the Fall, with exciting performers like Bob Hope and Robert Blake? You know, they only keep repeating that joke, that if someone brought me Hamlet, that I’d put a dog in it. I wouldn’t put a dog in it. I might put Gary Coleman in it, though..
[ show picture of Gary Coleman again ]
He’s brilliant, he can do anything! I’ve gotten to know this young man over the past 11 months, and I have found that, besides liking the same foods, we also share similar tastes in programming. In fact, we are of exactly the same mind on almost everything! I only wish I would have listened to him about “Supertrain”. Unlike a lot of people around here, he’s not afraid to voice his opinion. He’s a person who’s not afraid to say “I like it”, or “I don’t like it”, you know? His decisiveness has inspired me to have more faith in my own personal taste in opinions. And so, today, I am naming Gary Coleman as my new Chief Assistant, with the title of Executive Vice-President of NBC! Gary Coleman! Some say that Gary is too young to be a network executive; but some say no, 11 is old enough. Personally, I think age is not important. It’s wisdom that counts, and guts. That’s why Gary and I have decided to take a bold programming gamble, and move most of our Saturday morning programs to prime-time in the Fall!
But now.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
(Scene opens with a shot of NYC. At a street there’s a sign that says “You Are Now Leaving New York City” on a post. Below it are Mr. Bill and Spot. Both are wearing disguises and have bags tied to sticks.)
Mr. Bill: Psst. Hey kids. It’s me Mr. Bill. You may not recegonize me because I’m traveling incognito so that Mr. Hands can’t find us. You know I figured me and Spot aren’t too safe around him anymore. So kids I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all gonna run away from home! Yay! Oh boy and here comes a car! (Sticks his thumb out.) Maybe we can hitch a ride! Yay! (The car stops) Thanks for stopping! Yay! (The driver revs up the engine over so that Mr. Bill coughs on all the smoke. It’s Mr. Hands! And he gets out of the car.)
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill is that you?
Mr. Bill: No–uh No it’s not me.
Mr. Hands: Oh it is you! I’ve been worried sick about you Mr. Bill. I hope there hasn’t been any misunderstanding between us.
Mr. Bill: I didn’t think you liked us anymore.
Mr. Hands: Come on. Let’s shake hands. (Squeezes Mr. Bill’s hand)
Mr. Bill: No Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: And it’ll be like old times again.
Mr. Bill: Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: Now come on hop up in the car and I’ll give you a ride home.
Mr. Bill: Ok but please drive carefully Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: Ok but first we need to buckle up for safety (fastens the seat belt around Mr. Bill.)
Mr. Bill: Ok but not too tight. Wha– That’s too tight! (Loses his disguise) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Let me take a cab home huh?
Mr. Hands: No I’m a good driver.
Mr. Bill: But wait we forgot Spot.
Mr. Hands: Oh that’s right. Let’s go pick him up (Puts the car in reverse and runs over spot)
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: (Places the flattened Spot in the car) Make sure he sits still.
Mr. Bill: Oh poor Spot! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: Never mind because we’d better step on it so that we don’t get caught in rush hour traffic.
Mr. Bill: Don’t drive too fast Mr. Hands.
Mr. Hands: (Sees Sluggo sticking his thumb out.) Oh look a hitchhiker! Let’s give him a ride. It’s good to help all people in need.
Mr. Bill: No! He’s going to be mean to me!
Mr. Hands: Don’t worry Mr. Bill. We’ll make Sluggo sit in the back seat. (Moves the back up the front seat forward crushing Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait no. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Later Mr. Hands is driving up a mountain.)
Mr. Bill: Uh say Mr. Hands. This doesn’t look like the way home.
Mr. Hands: Oh I decided to take a shortcut. You’ll be home in no time (Starts driving faster.)
Mr. Bill: No wait these mountain roads are too dangerous!
Mr. Hands: Say that’s right. I better go check the tires. Here why don’t you take the wheel for a minute. (Takes off the steering wheel and hands it to Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t drive! I don’t even have a license! No!
Mr. Hands: (Leaves the car with Sluggo) Make sure you keep your eyes on the road Mr. Bill!
Mr. Bill: No don’t leave me! (The car drives off a cliff and tumbles down the hill exploding in the process.) Ohhhhh No!Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: See you next time when Mr. Bill goes to the hospital. Bye Bye!
Michael Palin: Thank you. Wonderful to see you. Thank you. It’s great to be back — it really is. Well… tomorrow, as you know, is, uh — is Mother’s Day. and I know it would make my own mother very happy if I, uh, could just mention her a little in the opening monologue. I hope you won’t mind. It’s just a little disseration about my mother.
She gave birth to me in, uh, May 1943. Right in the middle of the Second World War. Times were hard that year. No one in England really knew which way it was gonna go at the time. Which is why she christianed me Michael Gunther Palin. [ the audience laughs, as Palin feels bad for himself ] Uh, I don’t use the “Michael”.
Like all English children, I was sent out to the gold mine at the age of three. My mum would come to pick me up at the mine shaft at five o’clock. She always said the same thing, bless her: “Look at you, you’re FILTHY!!” Then smack me on the back of the head with her rationed goods. Then she’d change my diaper and disconnect the little miner’s lamp I have on me… and say, “How much coal did you get up today, then, darling?” Well, you know — when you’re three, you really don’t get much coal up. You know, they send you in there with a little plastic spoon and a pusher, and you get away and the little plastic pusher snaps in the middle. Really, the best you can do is about a half-a-hundred weight a day.
Well, I was lucky, because… I met someone down the mines who was really to change my whole life. Uh, he was a bigger baby than me. Yuo know, realy big — he had all his teeth… And he didn’t wet his diaper — he had someone do it for him. One day, when he and I were working on the night shift, this big baby — Vince was his name — he came up to me and he said, “We hafta get organized! We babies have been exploited for too long! Did you know they were using some of the taller babies for tunnel supports?” So, uh — so we founded BAMBI: The British Association of mine-Working Babies. Inc. And, uh, we fought for steel pushers and blast-proof pacifiers, that sort of thing. So those were the good days.
Then my mother was, uh — she started writing a book about deprived children. So I was sent away from home to give her more time to write. I was sent a school — miles away from anywhere — called the Purgatory Academy for the Sons of the Abominably Cruel. The idea was, of course, to, uh, you know, make a man out of me. I was one of the lucky ones — it just about killed Sharon and Margaret.
Well, I studied hard — my main subject was carpentry. In fact, that was one of the only three subjects that they taught at Purgatory Academy. The other two were bricklaying and plumbing. The Headmaster promised that when we finished building the school, he’d teach us gardening and maintenance, and a few other things.
But my mother still — she still used to write to me every day. Sometimes she wanted five pounds, sometimes she wanted fifteen pounds. Eventually, it became really embarassing. HUGE amounts: two-thousand, three-thousand pounds. Blackmail notes, too. “I’m your mother! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!” Anyway, that’s why I have to keep doing this sort of job. She costs me a fortune.
But don’t worry — I have smeone here who’s never met my mother before. Ladies and gentlemen… a big hand… for James Taylor!
Air Date:
Summary: It’s more than a job – it’s a small handful of money each week.
Recurring Characters: Idi Amin.
Also Performed: 
Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.
Recurring Characters: Rosa Santangelo, Vesna Shegula.
Recurring Characters: Dolly Parton.
