For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 18
78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor
Goodnights
…..Michael Palin
Michael Palin: This — [ he stretches his arms out, as the cast lunges at him from both sides ] I said “Thank you!” Good night! Thank you!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Maureen Stapleton, with musical guests Linda Ronstadt and Phoebe Snow. For Mother’s Day, this is Don Pardo saying, “Good night, Mom.”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 18
78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor
The Adventures of Miles Cowperthwaite
Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
[ open on graphic: “Family Classics” ]
Announcer: Tonight: “Family Classics” continues its second season, with Part II of the new Dickins novel Miles Cowperthwaite.
[ dissolve to copy of book resting on tabletop ]
Miles Cowperthwaite, by Charles Dickins. As told to Robert Louis Stevenson and Rafael Salbatini.
[ hand turns book to first page ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “The wretched birth, miserable childhood, agonizingly painful adolescence, and appallingly vile and degrading death of Miles Cowperthwaite.
[ turns page to Chapter Two ]
Chapter Two: ‘I Am Nailed To The Hull’.
“It having been determined by my benefactor that a term of service at sea would make a man, I accordingly left Pinckley Hall in the company of Captain Ned, and put out from Bristol aboard his ship The Raging Queen.
Captain Ned, I learned from my shipmates, was a very manly, virile, manful person, and a firm believer in strict discipline, corporal punishment, and nude apartment wrestling. How truly strict he was, I learned on our first day out of port, when out First Mate called all hands on deck for an important annoucement.”
[ dissolve onto scenes aboard The Raging Queen ]
[ First Mate Spunk rings the deck bell ]
First Mate Spunk: Alright, please, everybody, please! Welcome aboard The Raging Queen! Now, of course, I can’t possibly introduce everybody, so you’re just going to have to wear your little name tags. And if that’s the worst thing you’ll wear on this voyage, you’re lucky. Now, before I introduce Captain Ned, there’s some quiche over here, some salad, and some banana bread in the bowl, and there should be a brie around, if someone hasn’t eaten it. And now, here is our own Captain Ned!
[ Captain Ned steps up ]
Captain Ned: Thank you, Mr. Spunk. Gentlemen, we have on board a young man whose name is Miles Cowperthwaite! And I have promised his guardian to teach him the man’s life at sea! To show him man’s ports, such as Key West and San Fransisco! I expect him to be treated manfully! Well, Miles, have you anything to say?
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ stsnds, cheerful ] Well.. I’m very grateful for this opportunity, Captain Ned! Up ’til now, my life has been the most degrading, pathetic, soul-destroying, humiliating, awful grovel..
Captain Ned: [ interrupting ] That’s enough, Miles.. [ Miles sits ] Now, men, I run a mans’ ship. I will run it in a manful and masculine way! I will tolerate no men under my command who act in such a way so as to discredit their manhood and manliness! Do I make myself clear?
First Mate Spunk: Three cheer for Captain Ned!
[ the men cheer ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “If there were any doubts as to Captain Ned’s severity, they were quickly dispelled that very afternoon, when a scuffle broke out on deck.”
[ Spunk approaches a Sailor tanning ]
First Mate Spunk: That’s my tanning spot! you! You’re in my spot! That’s my spot!
Sailor #1: You are daft! I’ve been here all morning. Now, run along, you are blocking my sun.
First Mate Spunk: Don’t you give me any back-sass, you tan tease!
[ fight breaks out; Captain Ned intervenes ]
Captain Ned: Is this how men act on a man’s ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I’m afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment!
Sailor #1: Captain.. I did indeed take Mr. Spunk’s spot. I’m ready to accept my punishment..
First Mate Spunk: Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don’t put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.
Sailor #2: [ entering ] Captain, I encouraged this fight – punish me! Make me wear nipple-pinching clothespins, sir!
Sailor #3: [ entering ] Me, Captain! Punish me!
Captain Ned: Stop! I’ve heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will be punished. Spunk! Take me alone! I want a boiling oil rub..
[ Spunk drags Captain below decks for his punishment ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Having had no seafaring experience, I was surprised at how different the life of a sailor was from what I had imagined. Our day began at dawn, where, after a hearty breakfast, we had punishment ’til lunchtime. After lunch, there was more punishment ’til dinner. After dinner, we would pull up anchor and sail for an hour, then drop anchor again for soem verbal humiliation, followed by evening punishment. I imagine that the crew is quite used to it, for in all my rounds with the ship surgeon, Dr. Pierce, I never once heard a man complain.”
[ Miles follows Dr. Pierce during one of his rounds ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Sir? I was thinking, wouldn’t we make better progress if we was under sail 14 hours a day, and had punishment only two hours a day, instead of the other way ’round?
Dr. Pierce: Miles, my boy, you have much to learn. Wihout strict discipline, we’d have mutiny on this ship.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh.
Dr. Pierce: [ examines his patient’s knee ] Let’s see. Ooh.. I don’t like the looks of that leg, Mr. Tarvox. I’m afraid we’ll have to take it off.
Mr. Tarvox: Really?
Dr. Pierce: Yes, I’m afraid so. And probably the arm, as well.
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ confused ] The arm?! Why the arm, Doctor?
Dr. Pierce: Well, to get the leg. Look. It’s rather in the way, see? [ indicates Tarvox’s arm resting on his leg ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Why can’t he hold the arm out of the way.
Dr. Pierce: Well, that’s.. fine.. if you’d rather do that.
Mr. Tarvox: Yes, sir. Please.
Dr. Pierce: Okay. Now, don’t worry, Mr. Tarvox, you won’t feel a thing. You’ll wake up, and they’ll be gone.
Mr. Tarvox: They?
Dr. Pierce: It. It’ll be gone. Uh.. I guarantee you won’t know which one is missing.
Mr. Tarvox: Oh.
Dr. Pierce: Any preferences? [ Tarvox gives a strange look ] Good. Good. Okay, we’ll take the.. the..
Miles Cowperthwaite: Leg.
Dr. Pierce: ..leg.. off on Thursday, okay? First thing. You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.. [ walks off to have a drink ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Perhaps this isn’t the routine of an ordinary sailor: floggings, stockings, key haulings, kneeling on our knuckles, having things dropped on our heads, being pushed down stairs, and so on. But occasionally, there would be time for activities such as steering the ship, and trying to make the sails fill up with wind. Captain Ned took a warm, personal interest in my welfare, and if a night was stormy, or even mildy choppy, he would ocme to my cabin to comfort me.”
[ Captain Ned enters Miles’ room as he prays beside his bed ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh. Captain Ned.
Captain Ned: [ grinning ] Hello, Miles. Uh.. I was worried that you might be.. “frightened” by the masty weather.. [ unbuttons the top of his pajamas ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: But, Captain Ned, sir, it is perfectly calm tonight!
Captain Ned: Just so.. with the stormy weather we’ve been having lately, I was afraid this.. sudden calm might alarm you. Because I’ve seen grown men – manly men, in the full pride of their mahood, grow white with terror on serene, tranquil nights as this!
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, that is very kind of you, sir.. [ chuckles nervously ]
[ Captain Ned blows out the candle besides Miles’ bed, leaving the room in total darkness ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “So dangerously flaccid did that night become, thus Captain Ned remained in my cabin to reassure me until dawn, when we were aroused by a shout from Mr. Spunk..”
First Mate Spunk: [ peering through telescope ] Land ahoy! Land ahoy! Oh, my God, I don’t know.. oh, it might be land, maybe it’s another boat.. Oh, daft, it might me a cloud! No, I can’t tell, this damn thing is torturing me. Oh, maybe it’s a cloud, I’m not sure, oh dear!
Captain Ned: [ walking up ] Mr. Spunk! Have you spied land?
First Mate Spunk: I’m not sure! Somebody else get up here and look! If I say it’s land, and we make for it and it’s not, I’ll get yelled for it!
Captain Ned: Alright! [ peers through telescope ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “What Mr. Spunk had sighted was not land at all, but a small, open boat. Which, upon closer inspection, was found to contain two remarkable passengers.”
[ two women climb onboard The Raging Queen ]
Captain Ned: [ greeting them ] I am Captain Ned, of The Raging Queen! Tell me.. are there any males with you?
Madeline Warrington: No. Just my sister and I.
Ruth Warrington: Yes. My name is Ruth Warrington. This is my sister Madeline. We were crossing the West Indies, when pirates seized our ship. They took our entire crew prisoners.
Captain Ned: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Uh.. can you tell me, were these pirates manly and verile?
Madeline Warrington: They were contemptible animals, who subjected our ship’s crew to the most unspeakable torture!
First Mate Spunk: Do you suppose these pirates might still be anywhere in the area.
Ruth Warrington: Yes. I’m afraid they may yet be very close..
Captain Ned: I see. [ runs to address his crew ] Men! There are pirates in these waters! Pirates who inflict hideous punishment to those who fall into their hands! [ crew oohs ] Now, we can turn tail and run. Or, we can take the many course, that which our manhood demands! Find these despots of discipline, and comfort them! What is your answer!!
Crew: Find the pirates!!
Captain Ned: So it will be done! Stand by to incur the waters!
[ crew wave out to see, in search of the pirates ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Despite six months spent in the endevour, our search for the pirates proved unsuccessful. And so at length we put into port at Key West, where we took on a supply of omelet pans and did the costumes for a production of ‘Take Her, She’s Mine’. These were pleasant times. With Captain Ned ashore buying melons, discipline was less severe, and his trips to my cabin to comfort me less frequent. One night, however, as I lay in bed writing a letter to Lord Pinckley, I heard an unfamilair knock at my door.”
[ a knock at the door ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Come in?
[ the Warrington sisters enter ]
Ruth Warrington: Hello, Miles. We came to see if you were alright.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh.
Madeline Warrington: Yes. We were worried that the cool sea air, combined with the saltiness of the spray, and the closeness of ships in the harbor might have alarmed you.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh. Well, that’s very kind of you, but I’m not frightened! Are you alright?
Ruth Warrington: Well.. these past six months at sea aboard The Raging Queen have been somewhat frightening.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Begging your pardon, ma’am.. but have any of the men on board.. well.. tried to take liberties with you.
Madeline Warrington: No. No, not really.
Ruth Warrington: No. We haven’t been harmed at all.
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ happy ] Oh! Well, ma’am, I suspect that’s due to the discipline Captain Ned employs on this ship! For this crew is an unsavory lot!
Madeline Warrington: Yes, I suspect so. [ removing clothes ] Hey, Miles, it is terribly hot in here!
Ruth Warrington: Isn’t it, Madeline? [ removes her clothes as well ]
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, it’s alright for me!
Madeline Warrington: Perhaps we can comfort you, then, Miles?
[ Captain Ned enters; the girls jump up ]
Captain Ned: Hello, Miles.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh! Captain Ned!
Captain Ned: Hello, Miss Warrington. Miss Warrington. Miles, I hurried back, as, uh.. I was afraid that the excitement of the last several months at sea, combined with the change of seasons might have alarmed you.
Miles Cowperthwaite: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Captain..
Ruth Warrington: Excuse me, Captain, but we were comforting Miles.
Madeline Warrington: Wait! Perhaps we can all comfort Miles!
[ a look of distress falls upon Miles’ face ]
Captain Ned: Very well. I see nothing unmanly in that.
[ the three of them undress and climb into Miles’ bed ]
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: “Of all that I have suffered since going to sea, nothing could compare to the constant comforting of Captain Ned and the Warrington sisters. And I resolved to escape from The Raging Queen at the first opportunity.” ]
[ show Miles walking across the ship in disguise ]
“One night, while the crew was below doing exercises to flatten their stomachs, I stole the Second Mate’s coat, collected my few belongings, and lowered myself over the mast.”
[ Miles jumps overboard ]
“A war took place after I hit the water. I have very little recollection. I was evidently quite ill for a very long time, and the next thing I remember seeing was the friendly face of Dr. Pierce.”
Dr. Pierce: He’s coming around..
Ruth Warrington: Oh, thank God!
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ dazed ] Where am I?
Madeline Warrington: You’re back on board The Raging Queen, Miles.
Dr. Pierce: Yes. You were very lucky. One of the crew saw you fall overboard.
Ruth Warrington: Captain Ned will be so relieved. He’s been with you every moment, Miles.. comforting you.
Dr. Pierce: Well, Miles, I suspect you’ll be strong enough to go under the knife in a couple of days, huh?
Miles Cowperthwaite: [ worried ] What?! What do you mean, Dr. Pierce?!
Dr. Pierce: The legs, Miles. I’m afraid they’ll have to come off. Now, I’ve only got one pegleg aboard, but I can get you a nice hook for the bottom of this left knee. As soon as we reach port, we’ll go shopping for a nice wooden one.
Miles Cowperthwaite: But, sir! Must I lose my legs?
Dr. Pierce: I’m afriad so, Miles. When we pulled you out of the water, your legs were.. soaking wet.
Miles Cowperthwaite V/O: From the moment I learned that Dr. Pierce has designs on my legs, I decided to repeat my attempt at escape whatever the risk involved.
[ show Miles sneaking across the ship in disguise ]
The very next morning, after one final night of comforting from Captain Ned, I once more stowed out of my cabin and lowered myself over the side, this time completely undetected.
[ Miles jumps overboard ]
And so my term of service at sea had come to an end. Once again, I found myself quite alone in the world, with little capitol and few prospects. Of the details of my escape from The Raging Queen, as well as my adventures subsequent thereto, the reader shall learn in my next chapter: ‘I Am Eaten By Sharks’.”
[ close ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 18
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
May 12th, 1979
Michael Palin
James Taylor
Don Novello
None
Al Franken
Tom Davis
Alan Zweibel
Brian Doyle-Murray Fred Silverman
Summary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi).
Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman.
Transcript
Montage
Michael Palin’s Monologue
Summary:
Transcript
James Taylor performs “Johnnie Comes Back”
The Adventures of Miles CowperthwaiteSummary: In the continuing adventures of Miles Cowperthwaite (Michael Palin), the former drool handler is mentored by the manly Captain Ned (John Belushi) aboard the manly sea vessel The Raging Queen.
Recurring Characters: Miles Cowperthwaite, Hodo.
Transcript
Magna-Gro Anabolic Steroids
Summary: Apartment dwellers (Laraine Newman, Bill Murray) use Magna-Gro Anabolic Steroids to grow a giant tulip in their indoor garden.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Summary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris). Margaret Thatcher (Michael Palin). Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello).
Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Margaret Thatcher, Father Guido Sarducci.
Transcript
James Taylor performs “Up On The Roof”
Boulevard Of Proud Chicano Cars
Summary: An East Los Angeles Chicano gang face problems during the gas crisis, so President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) comes to their rescue.
Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.
Mr. Bill Runs Away
Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill dons a disguise to get away from Mr. Hands and Sluggo, but ends up in a car ride to Hell with them anyway.
Transcript
James Taylor performs “Millworker”
Tom Snyder’s Mother
Summary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) dines with his mother (Jane Curtin) for a mother’s Day brunch.
Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
…..Craig Nettles
…..Willie Mays
Z Jones…..Laraine Newman
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by: Pepto-Bismarck — controls diarrhea in German chancellors. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: In Harrisburg today, the men most responsible for the Three Mile Island incident were tried and executed by a revolutionary tribunal. Tribunal members said they would have electrocuted the men, but they couldn’t afford the electricity.
Disaster struck Wichita Falls, Texas, Tuesday, when a killer twister ripped through the town, leaving death and destruction in its wake. Here, a victim of the tornado has his house destroyed and a handkerchief driven into his face.
Married only two weeks, Patty Hearst and her bridegroom, Bernard Shaw, are already having difficulties. It’s a familiar story: She doesn’t like his friends, and he can’t stand her old Army buddies.
Bill?
Bill Murray: Now, “Weekend Update” presents Part Two of the amazing comeback attempt of 41-year old Chico Escuela. We took our cameras down to St. Petersburg, Florida to cover an exhibition game between the Mets and the world champion New York Yankees. Let’s go to the film.
[ cut to film, with SUPER: “AL LANG STADIUM, St. Petersburg, Fla., April 2, 1979” ]
Bill Murray V/O: It was a beautiful Florida evening, when thousands of emotional fans packed into St. Pete’s Al Lang Stadium to cheer the comeback of Chico Escuela.
[ on film, Chico approaches fans and signs pennants ]
Bill Murray V/O: Tonight against the Bronx Bombers, in the ultimate test. If Chico does well, he has a great chance of making the Mets. If not, he’ll either have to rejoin us here at the Update news desk, or go back to smuggling dope in the Dominican Republic.
[ cut to Chico at bat ]
Bill Murray V/O: Batting in his familiar lead-off spot, Chico looks ridiculous on the first offering from the bionic southpaw of Tommy John. But the next pitch is a frozen rope to left field for Base Nine.
Foley singles to right; Chico coming on around the third!
And then, watch this: Chico’s patented pachango on third base upsets Tommy John, who isn’t ready for the suicide squeeze!
[ Chico slides into home base ]
Bill Murray V/O: He’s inside, he’s safe!
And the man they call El Bandito del los Vasquez, gives the Mets an early lead!
It’s Ecuela again, in the top of the 5th! This time in the field, putting the kibosh on a Yankee rally, with an almost spastic diving style! With every inning, this crowd grows more enthusiastic for this 41-year old Latino who has stopped the hands of time in the dirt behind second base!
Between innings, I rapped with Yankee third baseman Craigy Nettles —
[ cut to Bill interviewing Nettles ]
Craig Nettles: You know, people tell me I’m a pretty fair third baseman, but I don’t think I can shine Chico Escuela’s shoes.
[ return to game footage ]
Bill Murray V/O: Back to the game — bottom of the 9th! Mets down, 6-3, and it’s Chico’s bat that has the final say! An error with two outs — load the bases for Chico. Hey! Somebody stop this fairy tale ending! [ Chico bats the ball ] Too late! Grand slam, Escuela!
[ the crowd cheers “Chi-co! Chi-co! Chi-co!!” ]
Bill Murray V/O: St. Petersburg goes nuts!
And, after the game, the fans won’t quit! They scream out their affection! Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays presents Chico with an oil portrait of Julian Bond wearing a Mets uniform!
[ return to Bill in the studio ]
Bill Murray: Incredible! Well, as you probably know, Chico MADE the Mets squad this year, and “Weekend Update” wishes him only the best during the ’79 season. Next time, we’ll have a progress report on the success of the lovable 41-year old Latino with the grin-eating grin. Incredible!I recently got a lot of mail here, uh, from some listeners of WGN in Chicago, poiting out to me that Anita Bryant was 31-year old a couple of years ago. It’s hard to believe, because she doesn’t look it, and, besides, Anita and I once had a thing. And, uh — it’s hard to believe, but she’s completely different than she is now. You know, she’s soft-spoken now, and I have to say it’s so hypocritical of her because — if I told you some of the things… that she used to… BEG me to do. [ the audience screams with delight ] It’s incredible! Because, Anita, I’m CALLING you on it: When we went out, you drank nothing but apple juice and you KNOW it! There. I have to say it — a lot of water under the bridge — but it’s me, Anita, so don’t try to fool me, alright?
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Soviet scientists are preparing to start up a brand new nuclear reactor power plant in Russia’s Ural Mountains. A Soviet spokesman said that they feel safe in gonig ahea,d now that they’ve gotten the bugs out of their test model in Pennsylvania.
Bill?
Bill Murray: In Britain, where political campaigns are often a source of unmistakably British wit, we have this from Prime Minister James Callahan. Commenting on the likely defeat of his Labor Party by the Toeies in the upcoming British election, Callahan quipped: “When I congratulate Mrs. Thatcher, I won’t know whether to clasp her hand or hand her a clasp!” [ Bill chuckles ] When asked to explain his joke, Callahan replied: “By the term ‘clasp’, I mean, of course, a paper clip, such as might be used to hold together the various important papers and documents which, as Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher would very likely be handling.” [ Bill chuckles again ] There’ll always be an England!
You know — this surprised me. Demographic studies have shown that only 7.8% of teenage viewers watch the news. Ouch! That hurts. Well, in an attempt to lure some of you kids, we wanted to introduce a girl with some pretty hip credentials on the music scene to talk to you. She’s written for every magazine, from Tiger Beat to Slash Magazine. And now, let’s welcome her. A new member of the Update team — rock critic Z Jones. Z? Nice to have you here.
Z Jones: Hi. I’m Z Jones. Okay. Tonight, we’ll be talking about who’s hot… and who’s hot. I hope I get this out before those ‘ludes kick in. Okay! Who’s Hot? Elvis Costello is very, very hot right now. Alright? Dos everybody like him? Right! [ the audience claps ] Really! I mean, the first two albums: dynamite, right? But now, Elvis is beginning to believe his own hype, and THAT is death for the creative artist. I mean, it should be no news to anyone that Elvis is one of the most obnoxious and derivitive talents around.
I mean, take his song on the second album — This Year’s Model — called “This Year’s Girl”. Okay? Here’s the opening drum line. It goes: “Ka-chum — cheee! Cheee — ka-chum — cheee! Cheee — ka-chum!” Okay, you got that? Now, “Ticket to Ride” by THe Beatles: [ she repeats the beat at a higher speed, then sings: ] “I think I’m gonna be sad / I think it’s todayyyyy — ka-chum — cheee!” Same thing! I’m sorry, okay? So! Where is the real Elvis? I mean, he’s got Elvis Presley’s first name… Lou Costello’s last name… and Buddy Holly’s glasses. I mean, there’s no law that says a punk can’t wear contact lenses, okay?
Now, listen — Elvis’ manager, Jake Riviera, Stiff Records. Wise up, Jake, or Elvis is gonna be thinking up fifty ways to leave his manager. You know, like in that song by Paul, uh — uh — [ thinking ] oh, it’s not Williams… ha, I can’t believe I’ve blacked out on this on TV! It must be those ‘ludes.
Bill Murray: Uh, Z? We’re running a little short on time. You have any final words so we can wrap it up?
Z Jones: [ flipping through her note pages ] Well, I have all these notes left that I guess could wait until next week.
Bill Murray: Great! Okay. Part Two next week, then —
Z Jones: But there’s one thing, Bill, I just want to add — just a second. Jake, tell Elvis to contact me if he wants the number of a dynamite psychic. This guy did this reading for Peter Tosh — I mean, after that, Peter grew the Stones like a magnet! Tell him to give me a call — 555-2391. I’m not kidding!
Bill Murray: And, uh — if you’re not Jake Riviera, you’re on the Honor System NOT to call and harrass this girl. Thanks very much. Okay, thank you, Z Jones. Take care.
[ Bill pulls up a bust of King Tut onto the news desk ]
Bill Murray: Well, the treasures of Tutankhamun have been at the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art since last December. It closes tomorrow — over a million and a quarter people have visted the exhibit, which will move on to San Francisco from here. For all New Yorkers, I would like to say a special goodbye to King Tut:
[ singing ]
“Ahhhhh, Tut-Tut-Tut-Tutsie, goodbye!
So, Tut-Tut-Tutsie, don’t cry!
Ahhh, kiss me, Tuttie!”
[ Bill tips the statue over and kisses it hard on the lips ]
“Won’t you do it over again?”
[ Bill forces the statue upon himself for a kiss ]
“Tut-Tut-Tutsie, don’t cry!
Tut-Tut-Tutsie, goodbye!”
[ he tips the statue over ]
Bill Murray: You nut! Get outta here! Back into the sarcophagous! Yeah, and uh — you want to say hello to your mummy for me when you get back there? [ he laughs ] Jane?
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
Texaco Star Theatre
… Bill Murray
… John Belushi
… Dan Aykroyd
… Garrett Morris
[In honor of host Milton Berle, SNL recreates theopening to his early TV series “Texaco Star Theatre”in glorious black-and-white: Wailing siren. Clangingbell. Theme music. Fade in on a proscenium arch with acurtain reading: TEXACO STAR THEATRE. The curtainrises to reveal a second curtain reading: StarringMILTON BERLE. This curtain rises to reveal the fourmale cast members lined up on a stage, marching inplace, dressed as 1950s-era service station employees(complete with caps and bow ties), singing:]
All:
Oh, we’re the men of Texaco
We work from Maine to Mexico
There’s nothing like this Texaco of ours
Our show tonight is powerful
We’ll wow you with an hour full
Of howls from a showerful of stars
We’re the merry Texaco men
Tonight we may be showmen
Tomorrow we’ll be servicing your cars
Bill Murray: [with rag and hub cap]
I wipe the pump
I pump the gas
I rub the hub
I scrub the glass
John Belushi: [with gas nozzle]
I touch the clutch
I mop the top
I poke the choke
I sell the pop
Dan Aykroyd: [with a large wrench]
I clear the gear
I block the knock
I jack the back
I set the clock
Garrett Morris:
I slash the top
I pick the lock
I take your car
Around the block
I drive it fast
I smoke some grass
If you don’t like it
Kiss my–
All:
Sky Chief! Fill up with Sky Chief!
And you will smile at the pile of new miles you willadd
Fire Chief! Fill up with Fire Chief!
You’ll find that Texaco’s the finest brand your carhas ever had
[Music ends. Drum roll.]
Bill Murray: And now, ladies and gentlemen…
All: Live from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
On The Spot
Joan Face … Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway … Dan Aykroyd
[Funky theme music. Graphic reads: ON THE SPOT -Dissolve to talk show host Joan Face and herclipboard.]
Joan Face: Good evening. I’m Joan Face and welcome to”On the Spot.” Well, it’s Spring and, across thecountry, outdoor amusement parks will be opening againand kids will be flocking to them, anxious to spendtheir nickels and dimes for an afternoon of thrills.Sounds innocent enough. But what worries us is thenumber of injuries and even fatalities that will takeplace at amusement parks because of shoddyconstruction, poorly supervised facilities and corruptsafety inspectors. With us tonight is a man who is nostranger to the “On the Spot” hot seat. He is theowner, operator and sole stockholder of one of thenewest of these parks, Irwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworldof Rahway, New Jersey, Mr. Irwin Mainway.
Irwin Mainway: [with pencil-thin mustache,slicked-back greasy hair, sunglasses, dark three-piecesuit, pinkie rings, smokes a cigarette] Thank you,Miss Face. [applause]
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, our investigative team hasvisited your park and brought back a deeply disturbingreport. In short, they say, and I quote, “Never in thehistory of the leisure industry has there been such athreat to the health and welfare of our children asIrwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworld.” End quote.
Irwin Mainway: Aw, now, Miss Face, is this just gonnabe another one of your personal attacks?
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, isn’t it true that, at KiddieFunworld, you have a ride known as Thunder Plunge?
Irwin Mainway: Thunder Plunge is very, very popularwith the kids.
Joan Face: Isn’t it true that in this ride, you putsmall children into grocery shopping carts and sendthem careening down a steep incline into a gravel pit?
Irwin Mainway: I’d like to point out that each cart isequipped with a little foam cushion … to cushion thekid.
Joan Face: I’ll tell you what else the cart isequipped with, Mr. Mainway — a little sign that reads”Property of A & P Food Stores – Do Not Remove fromParking Lot.”
Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, A & P’s out of business. Iacquired the carts–
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, A & P is not out of business.It is a national chain with over thirty thousandstores.
Irwin Mainway: Well, the one in Rahway’s out ofbusiness.
Joan Face: That’s easy to check, Mr. Mainway. Now whatabout this Crack the Whip? As I understand it, in thisride, you put small children into a large burlap bag,tie it to a derrick and swing this bag of childrenround and round in circles until the rope frays andthey are hurled into space.
Irwin Mainway: They land in a lake.
Joan Face: A writhing bag of frightened, helplesschildren flung into a lake?
Irwin Mainway: It’s a thrill they’ll never forget. Imean, you know, come on…
Joan Face: Just out of curiosity, Mr. Mainway, howmany little children do you stuff into that bag?
Irwin Mainway: Uh, it varies. A bag can hold up to twohundred fifty pounds of kids.
Joan Face: I see. Mr. Mainway, why don’t you tell usabout the Ice Palace?
Irwin Mainway: The Ice Palace. It’s a glittering,glistening winter wonderland of ice and snow.
Joan Face: No, it’s not, Mr. Mainway. It’s acollection of abandoned refrigerators.
Irwin Mainway: Come on, come on, you gotta use, youknow, you gotta use a little bit of imagination. Youdon’t have much imagination, Miss Face.
Joan Face: Oh, I have plenty of imagination. Right nowI’m picturing little children trapped insiderefrigerators, their pitiful little wails muffled bythick, white doors.
Irwin Mainway: Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on. I’mgonna hire a guy to check on them first thing in themorning. I’m gonna hire a guy to do that — go ’roundand check on ’em, you know.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, explain, if you will, theTunnel of Noxious Gases.
Irwin Mainway: Hey, okay, Miss Face, the Tunnel ofNoxious Gases was a mistake. I’m not gonna sit hereand lie to you. It didn’t work out. We dropped it.Hey, I’m not God. You know.
Joan Face: What about this, Mr. Mainway? The WildMouse. Is that some kind of deadly roller coaster?
Irwin Mainway: No, Miss Face, it’s exactly what itsays — a wild mouse. We put a kid in a pup tent witha wild mouse. What they do in there is their business.And we are very scrupulous about changing mice. Afresh mouse every five kids.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, what might a small child findin your Pit of Many Wonders?
Irwin Mainway: Well, frankly, Miss Face, I haven’t gotthe faintest idea. I was gonna go down there one dayto check it out but I was wearing my white shoes.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I’m going to tell you exactlywhat I think of you, you piece of human garbage. Youare the lowest slime that ever breathed. When I thinkthat even the pinkie rings on your pudgy, greasylittle fingers were paid for by the torment ofinnocent children, I retch. You are the veryembodiment of evil.
Irwin Mainway: Okay, may I – may I just say somethinghere, Miss Face? What youse just said makes youlook bad, not me. I’m gonna be very interested to seethe mail on this show.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, as God is my witness, fromthis day forward, I devote my life to putting youbehind bars.
Irwin Mainway: You know, Miss Face, I feel very sorryfor you. You criticize what I do for a living. Well,let me tell you about what you do. What’s sosafe about your show? Say there’s a little kid. He’srunning around the living room, your show’s on TV, heruns right up into the TV set, it blows up, he dies!Okay, another little kid. He’s not happy with thereception, your face is blurry, he fiddles with theaerial, he pokes his eye out – blind! You got a littlekid in the bathtub, he’s takin’ a bath, watching yourshow, TV falls in the bathtub, electrocutes him —tchtchtch — fries! And the last thing that kidsees on earth in this life is your face, MissFace, makin’ fun of what somebody does for a living.Think about that, Miss Face!
Joan Face: That’s all the time we have for “On theSpot.”
Irwin Mainway: No, no, just a minute. Hold it, holdit, Miss Face, I want to add something here. That -that it’s Irwin Mainway’s Kiddie Funworld. That’sRoute Seventeen, past the Woodbridge exit in Rahway,New Jersey.
[Joan Face throws down her clipboard, screams, leapsfrom her chair and physically assaults Irwin Mainway,knocking him out of his chair to the floor where sheattempts to strangle him. Dissolve to a wider view ofthe set with lights, cameras and technicians visible.]
[SUPER: “coming up next… The Taiwan Syndrome”]
[Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
September Song
…..Milton Berle
[Soft piano music and riotous applause are heard. FADE IN on Mr. Television under the skylight at home base, on a stool in front of a grand piano.]
Milton Berle: [singing]”Oh, it’s a long, long while,From May to December…”
[Audience members can be heard giggling softly in the background.]
“But the days grow short,When you reach September.The autumn weatherTurns the leaves to flame,But one hasn’t got timeFor the waiting gaa-a-aame. Oh, the days whittle downTo a precious few,September…November…”
[The music softly crescendoes to a dramatic pause.]
“And these few precious days,I spend with you,These precious days, I spend with you.”
MIlton Berle: [speaking] And these are precious days, ladies and gentlemen.
[His pianist blends smoothly into the chorus of “There’s No Business like Show Business.” Berle acknowledges him and smiles wistfully.]
As my accompanist, Buddy Freed, is playing the immortal strains of “No Business like Show Business,” may I say on this Saturday night that, every time I hear that Irving Berlin immortal composition, “Showbiz,” it does something to me. I dunno, especially the words, it… [wiggles his hand around] …puts goose pimples all over me. Because, I guess… I see all these young performers here, great ones, and I think of myself when I was their age. And… I… Show business has been my life, I’ve known nothing else–at the age of eleven, I made my eighth comeback.
[hushed laughter]
Y’know, I don’t get too much of a chance to come East, to do the shows, television shows, ’cause most of the industry’s on the Coast, but I did a lot of TV work this past year. I fixed three sets yesterday…
But in my television career, ladies and gentlemen, while I’m on the subject–going through over two thousand live hour shows–some of them were dead–but even with all the shows that I’ve done, you gotta believe me, there’s nothing more thrilling than coming out and doing just one performance, in front of a live, electric, in-person audience, and to do the show live. When I asked them… uh, pardon me — when they BEGGED me…
[laughter]
…to be on the show, I was thrilled. Y’know, I… To be able to ad lib, and throw caution to the winds, on a live show, and if something wrong happens, you can’t do anything about it–and that, y’know, could happen. I love, I love this. You know, I wrote a book, I wrote a book, of… my life’s story. And I, uh… it’s very, it’s going great, it’s in its twelfth printing. The first eleven were blurred…
[hushed laughter]
But in my book, I talk about my trials and tribulations in show business when I was a kid, and I see this young boy sitting down here… [gestures to audience] …must be about fifteen, sixteen. And I traveled with my mother. Now, trust me, I’m not one to preach “Mom-ism,” I don’t dig it, but I had some kind of a mother. She was great, she was a stage mother, she was one–and we went all over, I played towns you never heard of. Places like, ehh… “Longdrawers, Missouri.” Small towns–I played one town that was so small, the local hooker was a virgin. [laughter] The head of the Mafia was a Filipino. [guffaws]
I’d like to quote something, if I may, at this “Saturday Night Live” show, that’s in my book, and I think it fits this situation appropriately. I say in the book, “I love the taste of cold cream, I love the scent and the aroma of makeup, I like lights, I like people. I like to hear people LAUGH… I like to try to MAKE ’em laugh. You know….. the reason that I’m–I sang “September Song,” I cannot tell a lie, I had a birthday this last July, I finally hit the big number. Thanks to all of you, I was seventy, ladies and gentlemen, thanks to all of you.
[cheers and applause]
Well.. What? No. I don’t feel seventy. I feel like, I feel like a twenty-year-old. But there’s never one around.
Ah, boy. Sex after seventy is terrific. Especially the one in the winter.
[laughter]
At this show tonight, and I’m indeed honored to be here, I’d like to thank some of you–most of you–possibly all of you, even watching the show… [gestures to camera] …for the big help you gave me in my early days of my television career when I was on the “Texaco.” I was going pretty good for the first seven or eight years, until they put somebody opposite me… You guessed it: His Excellency Bishop Fulton Sheen. Because he did better than I did, ’cause, let’s face it, he had much better writers.
[laughter]
He had Matthew, Luke, Mark… In fact, while I was on the “Texaco,” Bishop Sheen and I had the same sponsor: Sky Chief. So I do… I do wanna tell you this, and I really mean it, ladies and gentlemen. If I could continue to get audiences like you’ve been here tonight, I just want to say that you’ve given me the incentive, the incentive to never stop entertaining, and I really mean that. And I’d like to say, give me a live audience, like you, for the rest of my career. Thank you, very, very much.
[Wild cheers and applause erupt as Mr. Television stands up straight and sets his microphone smoothly on his stool. The spotlight comes on as he motions for the audience to rise. CUT to a shot from his right as people come to their feet in a standing ovation which spreads gradually up to the balcony. Berle shakes hands with one or two in the front row and basks in the ovation. He blows a single kiss to the audience and takes two deep bows. FADE OUT.]
Submitted by: Sean
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
Rock Concert
Don Kirshner … Paul Shaffer
Karen Kirshner … Gilda Radner
Cop … Garrett Morris
Indian … John Belushi
Biker … Dan Aykroyd
Construction Worker … Bill Murray
[Pop music impresario Don Kirshner sits in a TVcontrol room, woodenly reading off cue cards,addressing the camera.]
Don Kirshner: I’m Don Kirshner and welcome toRock Concert. I first met the Village Persons twoyears ago when their lead singer, Lyle Manning,provided the floral arrangements for my daughterKaren’s bas mitzvah. Today, thanks to the brilliantdisco production of Giorgio Morali and to theirmanager Maury Mineo, they have become a vibrant forcein the music industry. Now, to introduce them from theperspective of a young person who can enjoy theirmusic without understanding its homosexualconnotations, here is my daughter, KarenKirshner.
[Applause for Karen Kirshner who enters and sits nextto Don — she, too, reads the cue cards woodenly,sounding exactly like her father.]
Karen Kirshner: I first saw the Village Personsperform at L.A.’s famed Roxy Theater where theydebuted their hit single “Health Club Man.” Tonight,thanks to my good friend Herb Karp at PolysutraRecords, they’re here to perform their new hit, “BendOver, Chuck Berry.” Ladies and gentlemen, pleasewelcome The Village Persons.
[Applause. Disco music begins. Dissolve to a mirroredchandelier and pan down to reveal a glittering discoset where the Village Persons gyrate to the beat: anative American Indian in full tribal regalia, aconstruction worker, a biker in leather with a thickmustache, a sailor, a cowboy and the wildly intense,energetic lead singer, a uniformed cop.]
The Village Persons:
Bend over … Bend over and over
Bend over and over and over
Bend over and over and over
Cop:
I went down to the disco to make it with my localdeejay
Well, he looks so good in leather and he knows whichrecords to play
Well, I walked right up to him but I didn’t know whatto say
Uh huh!
Well, he told me he was macho and he worked outdown at the gym
Ha ha! Yeah!
The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover
Cop: I said, hey, look, you’re the boss andthe turntable started to spin
The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover
Cop: And before too long I was reallygettin’ in to him
The Village Persons:
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Bend over, Chuck Berry
Put your guitar away
‘Cause they’re playin’ disco music
From New York to L.A.
Cop: Not to mention Philadelphia, P-A.
The Village Persons:
Take a look around you
There’s no more rock and roll today
So bend over, Chuck Berry
Disco is here to stay
The Village Persons: [posing provocatively]
Bend over … Bend over and over
Bend over and over and over
Cop:
… Yeah!
So the next time you’re lonely and you’re crawlingon your hands and knees
The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover
Cop: And you’re checkin’ out each young manto find out where he wears his keys
The Village Persons: Bend over, over andover
Cop: Come on down to the disco where thedeejays aim to please
The Village Persons:
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Bend over, Chuck Berry
Put your guitar away
‘Cause they’re playin’ disco music
From New York to L.A.
Cop: The places goin’ down in ‘FriscoBay.
The Village Persons:
Take a look around you
There’s no more rock and roll today
Cop: Do you hear me, man? Bend over!
The Village Persons: So bend over, ChuckBerry
Cop: What would Little Richardsay?
The Village Persons: Hey!
[Song ends. Dancers stop. Applause.]
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
Milton Berle’s Monologue
…..Milton Berle
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Television himself: MILTON BERLE!!!
[Mr. Television emerges through the door and mugs for the audience before he dismounts the stairs to great fanfare and the band winds up quickly.]
Milton Berle: Oh, boy, look at this! Lovin’ it! [cheers and applause] You love me! You want me! How ’bout this, huh? [cheers] Thank you! Thank you! You want me. You love me. I think I’ll quit right now, I think this is a little too big. Thank you very much. Let’s hear it! [suddenly motions for quiet] Hold it, folks. Please? We’ve only got ninety minutes!
[riotous cheers]
You folks on the show, hold it, please. [gestures toward band] Let’s hear it for Lee Marvin and His Witnesses, ladies and gentlemen. Take a bow. Lovely outfit. You always dress this classy? Now, uh… I don’t feel much like workin’, I got bad news, my wife ran away with my best friend… and I miss him.
[laughter]
I’m unlucky, I’m goin’ bad, I should, um… I’m so unlucky, if they sawed a woman in half, I’d get the part that eats. Would you believe that?
I’m goin’ bad, I’m a real loser. Last night, for example, I dreamt… [turns around toward band] Which joke are YOU workin’ on back there, huh? It’s the black guy, huh? You’re lucky, pal, you can walk home alone at three in the morning.
[laughter and applause]
I, uh… Will you laugh at the real joke? Now, I’ll show you how bad I’m gone… last night I dreamt Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby. [guffaws] Oh, before I go any further, hold it, hold the music–a flash just come over the air. Forty-four Puerto Ricans in a crash. The bed broke. Just came over the air just now.
[embarrassed laughter]
But I… [pats chest] Ooooh. God, I’ve got so much gas, I’m being followed by Arabs. But this, uh… No, I wanna tell ya, everybody looks wonderful. [points at audience member] I’m sorry, sir, your head is shining right in my eyes.
[Berle walks toward the man, who playfully covers up his bald head with his hands.]
For a minute I thought you were sitting upside down. But it is REALLY…
[laughter]
No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Is this your wife? Well, what’re ya gonna do… The, uh… This other couple here look very, very sweet. Is this your wife, sir?
Audience Member: [softly] Oh, no.
Milton Berle: Oh, no? Oh. Motel job, huh? Okay, NOW. Motel spelled backwards: “let him.” The, uh… two, three four. But, uh… No, she’s very pretty. She’s very pretty. You got any NUDE pictures of her? No?
Audience Member: [barely audible] Wanna buy…
Milton Berle: Wanna buy some? [reaches inside his suit] I speak to everyone, I really do. [to right] Pull up your dress, there, pull up. [hikes up his breast pockets] Catch your breasts down, they’re comin’ out. I, uh… God, I can’t wait until she hiccups. Reminds me, I gotta get a new set of tires. But this, uh… Reminds me, I got a new set of tires…
[soft laughter]
[imitating a magician with his hand] Here’s another one you may not care for. I have a lot of these gems. It’s a good audience, I’m really thrilled, really. I haven’t been so thrilled since I won Truman Capote on “The Dating Game.” But this is a good audience, I’ll tell ya why–because it’s so young–oh, see what it says? [walks toward left] “Hi, Uncle Miltie.”
[He walks up to the same bald guy, who now dons a visor on his pate.]
Milton Berle: Let me see that, sir.
[He pulls the visor off and raps his head lightly with it.]
Milton Berle: Get outta here, will ya? [laughter] I’d like to put my finger in your ear and go bowling.
[laughter]You’re pretty old to come to this kind of a show, pal, with no hair. Look at the young people! You talk about, this is a young audience. I was in Miami Beach, I was in Miami Beach, and… Are you from Miami Beach? You heard the applause. And, uh… I was in Miami Beach, we had an audience–not like this–I’d say the average age of the audience in Miami Beach was “deceased.” But I’m glad I’m back in New York, because I love it here, I really do…
[cheers and applause]
I haven’t been–no, listen–I, this is the truth, I haven’t been in New York for a long time. There’s so many changes here. For example, I was walking on Fifth Avenue the other day, I saw a guy dressed very funny. I walked over to him, I said, “Are you a Jehovah Witness?” He said, “I didn’t even see the accident.”
[lukewarm laughter]
“I didn’t even see the accident…” [examines his fingernails] What’d the rest of you think of it? I wanna tell ya, you can’t go out at night here, it’s murder. You go out at night to buy a paper, the next morning, you’re in it. I, uh, I’m… Which joke are YOU workin’ on there? I’m staying over here at the Essex House, they put me over here. Really. Last night by mistake, I knocked on the wrong door– [knocks on microphone] –knocked on the wrong door, a girl opened the door, and she said, “Yes?” I didn’t even ask her. Every–next door to my room was a Hawaiian honeymoon couple, ’cause all night long I heard the girl yellin’, “Luau!” Heh, heh, heh!
[Audience laughs politely, then a touch harder as Berle looks dejected.]
Can I see your library cards tonight, please? And on the other side of my room, must be a newlywed couple, ’cause I heard the husband say to the wife, “Tell me, darling, am I the first one?” She says, “Why does everybody always keep asking me that?” But I love it here. I got married, by the way, at the Essex House, twenty-five years ago. This is my twenty-fifth anniversary. Let’s hear it out there, my twenty-fifth…
[cheers and applause]
Twenty-five years! This is the truth! Twenty-five years, to the same woman. I think that’s remarkable in show business. When I got married, when we got married first, my wife must’ve thought I was very sexy. Now she’s complaining a little. We were in bed together a couple of months ago… [looks dejected] She said to me, “Milton… even eggs take three minutes.” But, uh… I tried, I tried, I tried to please her. In the bedroom, I put up mirrors on the wall, mirrors on the ceiling… Now I get twelve different views of her headache.
[soft applause]
The kids don’t know about that stuff. Okay. But… I tell ya what, I went to expense–I bought us a waterbed, a waterbed. She calls it the Dead Sea.
[laughter]
Ladies and gentlemen, I was asked by the producers of this show–
[A sudden clang rings out from the band section, as though a music stand has fallen over.]
Milton Berle: [looks around] What the hell? [laughter] NBC just dropped another show. I, uh…
[cheers and applause]
What the hell’s goin’ on here? It’s a live show. Before we go any further, I was requested, by the, uh, producer of the show, that there’s gonna be some great hosts on here in the future. George Burns, they’re trying to get George Burns–he’s great, he looks just like he did 40 years ago. Old. I can’t tell you how old Burns is, but I think he was circumcised with a stone knife.
[laughter]
He’s old, man, I’m tellin’ ya. [mumbles] Aw, forget it.
[A woman’s voice calls out from off camera.]
Milton Berle: What’d ya say? That’s it? I’m all through? That’s it? The monologue’s through? [checks watch] Good, I can catch “Gilligan’s Island.”
[laughter and applause]
You mean I don’t do any more after this? It’s only five minutes. Are you kidding? [rubs his lapel] I usually bow for twenty. [looks dejected] Well, that’s the monologue. [chuckles] Thank you. We’ll be right back.
[ZOOM OUT over applause as Berle fakes outrage. FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 17
78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
Goodnights
…..Milton Berle
Milton Berle: [ he claps his hands ] Good night, everyone! Thank you! Good night! Hey! Look at this one! [ he blows a kiss toward Bill Murray, though Bill appears uninterested ]
[ as the camera pulls back, we can see the audience members surrounding Home Base have provided Berle his standing ovation ]
Announcer: This is Don Pardo, saying… “Good night!”
[ the camera pulls farther back, and we can see that all the audience members, including the balcony, are giving Berle a standing ovation ]