Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 14th, 1979 Milton Berle Ornette Coleman None None Paul Shaffer Brian Doyle-Murray Texaco Star TheatreSummary: Because Mr. Television himself is hosting tonight, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and John Belushi re-create the opening for the Texaco Star Theater. Transcript
Montage
Milton Berle’s MonologueSummary: Although he wishes he had all night, Milton Berle performs five minutes’ worth of jokes and one-liners from his nightclub act. Transcript
The WidettesRecurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette.
Rock ConcertSummary: Don Kirshner (Paul Shaffer) and his daughter Karen (Gilda Radner) introduce effeminate disco band The Village Persons (Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi) as they perform “Bend Over, Chuck Berry”. Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) plays for the Mets. Rock critic Z Jones (Laraine Newman) ponders the derivative nature of Elvis Costello. Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela. Transcript
Launching Pad with Buddy Pine
On The SpotSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) interviews sleazy amusement park operator Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd). Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Irwin Mainway. Transcript
The Farber SistersSummary: Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) and her baby sister Sylvia (Laraine Newman) visit their father (Milton Berle) in the nursing home. Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber.
Matt…..Bill Murray Ross Denton…..Richard Benjamin Two Mile Player #1…..Tom Davis Two Mile Player #2…..Al Franken Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman Violet…..Garret Morris Dr. Edna Casey…..Jane Curtin …..Rodney Dangerfield Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner
[ opens on outside of nuclear power plant ]
[ SUPER: “TWO MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR REACTOR” ]
[ shows control room where Carl and Brian are working, a sign on the wall says “NO SOFT DRINKS IN CONTROL ROOM” ]
[ SUPER: “DAY 1” ]
Brian: …the longest I’ve ever had to wait was about two hours. Two or three hours.
Carl: I’m gonna give up the game. You never get a court, you know, you gotta be a member sometimes.
Brian: Well, it’s the only place you can play around here.
[ Matt walks in with lunch ]
Matt: Okay, who’s got the turkey club?
Carl: That’s me.
Matt: All right-
Carl: With mayonnaise?
Matt: Yeah, some were here. Who’s got the vanilla shake?
Brian: That’s me.
Matt: All right. Now who else had a Coke beside me?
Carl: I had a coke.
Matt: All right.
[ Matt hands the Coke to Carl, but spills the soda on the control panel ] Gee, what the- [ sparks fly from the control panel, and alarms go off ]
Matt: Oh no! What’s going on here?! What’s going on here?!
Brian: Hey Matt, the water level’s dropping fast in the core.
Carl: The pressure’s rising in the core.
Matt: All right. Give me a napkin! [ hands Matt a tissue, as Matt tries to clean up spill ] No, that’s a Kleenex! Have you got a napkin sonewhere? Turn down that alarm, it’s driving me nuts! [ Carl turns down the alarm ]
Brian: Uh, how about the wax paper? [ explosion shakes control room ]
Carl: There’s been an explosion in main housing.
Brian: Listen, we’ve got to release the number three or that pump’s gonna blow.
Carl: If the pump blows that could mean a meltdown.
Brian: What is happening?
Matt: I’ll tell you what’s happenning. The Pepsi Syndrome.
[ shows title: “The Pepsi Syndrome” ]
Brian: Pepsi Syndrome? I’ve never heard of it.
Matt: Only a handful of people know what the Pepsi Syndrome means. Maybe soon, everyone will know it.
Carl: But, what is it?
Matt: Well, the Pepsi Syndrome. If someone spills a Pepsi on the control panel of a nuclear power reactor, the panel can short-circuit, and the whole core may melt down.
Brian: But, you spilled a Coke.
Matt: It doesn’t matter. Any cola does it.
Carl: Any cola? What about RC Cola?
Matt: Yeah, RC does it.
Brian: Canada Dry?
Matt: Sure.
Carl: 7-up?
Matt: It’s harmless. It’s an un-cola. [ smacks his hands to his forehead ] Oh, wow! I could have had a V8!
[ goes to press conference at the power plant’s main office ]
[ SUPER: “DAY 2” ]
Ross Denton: Hello, hello, I’m Ross Denton, head of public relations for the Two Mile nuclear facility. First, I’d like to welcome all members off the press to Two Mile Island. I hope you enjoy your stay here and that you’ll come back again real soon. Now, there will be box lunches at air cooling tower #1 after the briefing, and later the buses will take you back to the motel for a special screening of the Jane Fonda film, “Barbarella”.
Male Reporter #1: What about the accident here at the plant?
Ross Denton: That what? Oh yes, yes, the accident. Uh, let me give you a little uh, technical, uh, background here. [ shows a diagram of a nuclear reactor pointing to nuclear energy, pointing to a toaster. ] This is a nuclear reactor. Now, the nuclear fuel here is used to generate energy here, which is sent to your homes to make toast.
Male Reporter #2: But what about the accident?
Ross Denton: I was getting to that. Sometime yesterday afternoon we experienced what we like to call a surprise. And, well, we had to release some radioactive steam.
Female Reporter #1: Well, how much radiation are we being exposed to right now?
Ross Denton: Well, I’m sure all of us here have been to the doctor and had our chest x-ray, haven’t we? Well, it’s just like that, only it’s as if the doctor had to give you the chest x-ray over, and over, and over again. Or, it’s like falling asleep under a sun lamp for a week or two! Or, it’s like drying your hair in a microwave oven! And to give you some idea of how little danger there actually is, President Carter will be here tomorrow. Now, gentlemen, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m sorry I have to cut this press conference short, but now I’d like to hand the stage over to the Two Mile players! They’re a pro-nuclear mime troope, and they’re going to perform a little skit for you, kids!
[ the Two Mile players enter and bow, as they perform their skit ]
Two Mile Player #1: [ pantomimes along ] “I’m energy! Everybody wants me!”
Two Mile Player #2: [ pantonmimes along as well ] “I’m a short-sighted consumer! I’m against nuclear energy! But I still want my stereo, and my electric guitar!”
Female Reporter #2: [ from off stage ] Question, I thought mimes weren’t supposed to talk!
Two Mile Player #1: What do you mean?
Two Mile Player #2: I told you we weren’t supposed to talk.
[ they continue arguing, as the scene goes back to the nuclear control room, where Matt is drinking a V8 while the alarm goes off ]
[ SUPER: “DAY 3” ]
Matt: Would you turn that thing down? I can’t eat!
[ The phone rings, as Brian picks it up ]
Brian: Right, right. [ puts down phone ] Hey you guys, get that stuff away. The president is coming.
Matt: Quick! Hide the V8! [ Matt and Carl hide the V8 behind the panel, as Ross Denton enters with President Jimmy Carter and Rosalyn Carter. ]
Ross Denton: This is the, uh, main control room, Mr. President.
President Jimmy Carter: Of course, I’m familiar with nuclear facilities. You know, I’m a nuclear engineer.
Rosalyn Carter: And a damn good one.
President Jimmy Carter: Thank you, sweetheart. Now tell me what happened.
Ross Denton: Well Mr. President, this is Matt Crandall. He was cheif engineer when the “surprise” occurred.
President Jimmy Carter: Okay, Matt. Give it to me straight.
Matt: [ nervous ] Well, the water level began dropping in the core, and the pressure neared critical in coolant pump #2, and a negative function in the control panel prevented us from preventing the, uh, minor explosion which occurred in the main housing.
President Jimmy Carter: Hmm. Sounds to me a lot like a Pepsi Syndrome. Were there any soft drinks in the control room?
Matt: Okay. You’ve got me. You’re too smart for me, Mr. President, sir. I spilled a large Coke to go on the control panel.
Ross Denton: Well, there you have it, Mr. President. Human error. No offense, Matt.
Rosalyn Carter: Well, I guess that’s it, Jimmy. We figured it out now. Let’s get out of here please.
President Jimmy Carter: Just a couple more minutes, sweetheart. I don’t get to do this everyday. Matt, right now, what is the level of radiation inside the containment vessel?
Matt: Well Mr. President, we don’t know. The large Coke knocked out all our monitoring systems, and no one’s been able to go inside of the room.
President Jimmy Carter: Well, I’d like to go in and check it out. I’ve never seen the core of a water cooler reactor.
Ross Denton: Uh, Mr. President, it may be dangerous in there.
Rosalyn Carter: Oh look, Jimmy, why don’t we just visit the Hershey factory?
President Jimmy Carter: Please, huh? I think I know how to handle myself around a nuclear facility. Besides, I’m protected. [ lifts his leg to reveal he’s wearing rubber boots ] I’ve got my little yellow boots on. I wanna go in and take a peek.
Ross Denton: All right. Matt, do you think it’s really safe in there?
Matt: You’re asking the wrong guy. I don’t know.
President Jimmy Carter: Don’t worry. I won’t be long.
Rosalyn Carter: Be careful, Jimmy. [ Jimmy Carter nods, then goes into the control room ]
Ross Denton: You’ve got quite a husband there, Mrs. Carter.
Rosalyn Carter: Yes I know.
Matt: You sure do, ma’am.
Ross Denton: You know, you could have brought Amy. I think she would’ve had a ball!
Rosalyn Carter: Oh well, Jimmy wanted to bring her, but well, she’s got school, and besides, what if one day, Amy wants to have children?
Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, well, maybe you can just bring Amy home a Two Mile Island T-shirt [ shows T-shirt that says, “I SURVIVED 2 MILE ISLAND” ]
Rosalyn Carter: That’s very nice. [ Jimmy Carter knocks on the nuclear core door ]
Matt: Wait a minute, do you hear something?
Ross Denton: Oh my God. It’s the president! [ they rush to open the door, Jimmy Carter comes out, glowing. ] Mr. President, [ nervous ] you’re glowing!
Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!
President Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch me. I’m a nuclear engineer, and I’m pretty worried right now. You’ve got six inches of radioactive water in that room. You’d better drain that.
Matt: Okay, we’ll take care of that right away.
Ross Denton: Mr. president, why don’t you come with me?
President Jimmy Carter: Yeah. I feel a little funny. [ goes off with Ross as Rosalyn follows them, worried ]
Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy!
Matt: All right, don’t worry. You’ll be fine, Mr. Carter. Just stay inside and close the window, cover youself with some hot blankets, you know, and drink a beer or something.
Carl: I called maintainance.
Matt: Okay, you call the gate and tell them the president’s coming up. [ Brian calls the gate ]
[ Matt wipes his face with a handkerchief, as Violet, the maintainance worker, comes in with a mop and bucket. ]
Violet: Uh, you asked for me, Mr. Crandall? I just finished with your office.
Matt: Oh yeah, Violet. There’s some water on the floor in there. Would you clean it up please?
Violet: Okay, but I’ve never been in there before.
Matt: I know. We usually don’t, but it’s a mess. But don’t bother waxing, okay?
Violet: Okay.
[ Violet goes into the nuclear core to mop up the water, as Matt looks on shamefully ]
[ cut to research room where Rosalyn Carter is talking with Ross Denton and Dr. Edna Casey ]
[ SUPER: “DAY 4” ]
Rosalyn Carter: Where is Jimmy? I have a right to see him! Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, the president is recieving special treatment right now.
Rosalyn Carter: What kind of special treatment? Why can’t I see him?
Ross Denton: Mrs. Carter, this is Dr. Edna Casey. Perhaps she can explain better than I what has happened to the president.
Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs. Carter, your husband was exposed to massive doses of radiation. Now this has affected the entire cell structure of his body and greatly accelerated the growth process.
Rosalyn Carter: Well, what does that mean?
Dr. Edna Casey: It means, Mrs. Carter, your husband, President Carter, has become [ camera zooms in on Dr. Edna Casey ] The amazing colossal president.
Rosalyn Carter: Well how big is he?
Dr. Edna Casey: Well Mrs. Carter, it’s difficult to comprehend just how big he is but to give you some idea, we’ve asked comedian Rodney Dangerfield to come along today to help explain it to you. Rodney?
[ Rodney Dangerfield enters ]
Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, how are you?
Ross Denton: Rodney, can you please tell us, how big is the president?
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s a big guy, I’ll tell you that, he’s a big guy. I tell you he’s so big, I saw him sitting in the George Washington bridge dangling his feet in the water! He’s a big guy!
Rosalyn Carter: Oh my God! Jimmy! Oh God!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, he’s big, I’ll tell you that, boy. He’s so big that when two girls make love to him at the same time, they never meet each other! He’s a big guy, I’ll tell you!
Rosalyn Carter: Oh no! Oh Jimmy! My Jimmy!
Rodney Dangerfield: I don’t want to upset you lady, he’s big, you know what I mean? Why he could have an affair with the Lincoln Tunnel! I mean, he’s really high! He’s big, I’ll tell you! He’s a big guy!
Rosalyn Carter: No! No! No!
Ross Denton: Rodney, thank you very much. You can go.
Rodney Dangerfield: It’s my pleasure. He’s way up there, lady! you know what I mean? [ goes off, leaving Rosalyn Carter very upset ]
Dr. Edna Casey: Mrs Carter, perhaps this chart can give you a more precise measurement of his size. [ shows chart comparing sizes of animals ] Now the figure on the left represents Vice President Mondale. This is Tip O’Neill, Speaker of the house, Democrat, Massachussetts. This is an Indian elephant, this is a brontosaurus, and this, I’m afraid, [ pulls back flap to show that President Carter is about twice the size of a brontosaurus ] is President Carter. [ Rosalyn Carter bursts into tears, as Ross Denton lets her head rest on his shoulder ]
[ goes back into press conference at the power plant’s main office, with Baba Wawa reporting. ]
Baba Wawa: Hewwo, this is Baba Wawa speaking to you wive fwom Two Miwe Iwand. I’m speaking to you wive fwom the Two Miwe Iwand Nucweaw Weactow site whewe wumows awe wunning wampant that the pwesident has been exthposed to wethaw wevews of wadiation. And he has gwown to an incwedibly widiculous pwopowtion. He’s weawwy, weawwy, wawge. Pwesentwy, Woss Denton, spokespewson fow the utiwity company which wuns the nucweaw weactow wiww enter this woom to wespond to the pwess. Watew tonight, at 10:30, 9:30 centwaw, ABC wiww pwesent a speciaw half houw wepowt, “How big is the President?” hosted by Fwank Weynolds and Wodney Dangewfiewd. [ Ross enters the room with Rosalyn Carter and Dr. Edna Casey ] I see Woss Denton is appwoaching the podium and seems weady to speak. Wet’s wisten in.
Ross Denton: Good afternoon, good afternoon, ladies and gentleman of the press. First, as to the president’s condition, let me say that the president is feeling certainly “stronger” than he’s ever felt. And he would like to be with us right here, in this room if he could. I think now I’ll just open the door to questions-
Female Reporter #1: Yes, is it true that the president is 100 feet tall?
Ross Denton: Nooooo! Absolutely not!
Male reporter #3: Is the president 90 feet tall?
Ross Denton: No comment. Yes?
Male Reporter #1: Yes. While the Constitution does not specifically exclude giants and behemoths from the presidency, is it not true that the Mr. Carter’s enourmous size really violates the spirit of-
Dr. Edna Casey: Look! There he is! It’s the president!
[ a gigantic Jimmy Carter is seen outside of the window ]
Everyone in room: Mr. President! Mr. President!
President Jimmy Carter: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m afraid that since the army clothing engineers have been unable to fit me with a giant loincloth, I’ll have to adress you through this window. First, let me say that this experience has not changed my committment to nuclear power, nor do I believe that my enourmous size will in any way limit my abilities to perfrom my duties in my office. However, this will mean some changes in my personal life. Rosalyn, I hate to spring this on you this way, but I’d like to introduce you all to my future wife and my next first lady. She was a widow, and, until recently, a maintainance worker here at Two Mile Island. Miss Violet Crawford.
[ Violet comes in looking through the window, having also become a giant from radiation, as Rosalyn Carter hits the wall in shock ]
Violet: Hi, everybody. As First Lady, I’d like to say I have nothing against nuclear power, honey. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
[ Jimmy and Violet kiss, as Rosalyn sinks to the floor, appalled, as the reporters leave ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 7th, 1979 Richard Benjamin Rickie Lee Jones None Marvin Goldhar Rodney Dangerfield Nelson Briles Steve Henderson Ed Kranepool Brian Doyle-Murray Jim Downey Anne Beatts Rosie Shuster Al Franken Tom Davis Personnel Substitution
The Pepsi SyndromeSummary: In an elaborate spoof of “The China Syndrome”, President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) suffers radiation poisoning after a Pepsi Cola is spilled on a nuclear console. Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalyn Carter, Barbara Walters. Transcript
The Nerds in LoveSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) borrows his older brother Milt’s (Richard Benjamin) bachelor pad so he can try some moves on Lisa (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Enid Loopner.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Rickie Lee Jones performs “Chuck E’s In Love”Also Performed: 81o, 89b.
A Bird For All Seasons
Scottish Restaurant
Little Chocolate DonutsSummary: John Belushi promotes the sugary breakfast treat that has brought him success on the ahletic field. Note: Repeat from 77f.
…..Jane Curtin …..Bill Murray Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello …..Dan Aykroyd
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Proud and excited over successfully putting Egypt and Israel back together, Jimmy Carter said today, “It was only the beginning.”, and then flew off to New York to try to put NBC’s program schedule back together.
Former president and Mrs. Richard Nixon came to New York this week to visit daughter Tricia, who had just given birth to Nixon’s first grandson, Christopher Nixon Cox. Nixon had some doubts about the child’s future, having heard that being a national disgrace can often skip a generation.
Jane Curtin: [ takes a watch out of her pocket and hands it to Bill ] You left this at my place. The Chieftans found it. [ laughs ]
[ Bill puts the watch in his pocket ]
Tragedy in the world of horse racing this week, when a three year old filly named Small Sist, running on a sloppy track at Aqueduct stumbled on a turn, hit the inside rail, and burst into flames. The horse raged out of control for forty minutes, but fortunately, no other horses were involved.
The Primate Steering Comittee of the combined National Institutes of Health reports that there is a severe shortage or rhesus monkeys for scientific research due to a contract dispute between Bangladesh and its U. S. marketer. The monkeys are sorely needed to test polio vaccines and contraceptives, and other projects vital to us all, so if you are a rhesus monkey watching me now, and you would like to donate your body to science, please hop in a box and have yourself mailed to (adress appears on the Weekend Update screen) Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California. It’s a great way to be remembered, and of course, you’re tax deductable.
Jane Curtin: Millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s day today, and here with a comment is our good friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father Sarducci?
Father Guido Sarducci: [ smoking cigarette ] Thank-a you, thank-a you. Most-a people are very aware that-a Saint Patrick is-a the patron Saint of-a Ireland. He lived around-a the year 400, 500, right in-a there. Most people-a know him because-a they think that he chased-a the snakes from-a Ireland. But actually, that’s not-a the truth. Really, he didn’t-a chase them, he kind of-a led them. He was-a kind like a pied piper for snakes. I don’t know, it was-a just something about him that snakes liked-a to follow him around, you know. And-a you may think-a that snakes go very fast and they do if they’re just going short distances. But, like-a, when they’re on a long journey, they go very, very slowly. And-a Saint Patrick, he had-a to walk-a very, very slow, and all of the snakes followed him, and then he tricked them. He went into the ocean, and they all followed him, and he went way, way out, and he waited till they all drowned, and then heswam back in. That’s-a what he did.
You see, he was a good-a saint. But he wasn’t a great-a saint. Like-a Saint Joseph, the patron saint of Italy. He’s a great-a saint and not just a good-a saint. You know, Saint Joseph’s named day is-a coming up-March 19th, only two days away. But-a, there won’t-a be no parades, no parties, not even a song for Saint-a Joseph. And-a the reason is-a because of-a Saint Patrick. You know, it’s just like having a birthday two days after Christmas-you just don’t get-a the same attention, you know. And it just-a breaks my heart that he was a great-a saint, and this good, mediocre saint gets all-a the glory.
You know, you don’t have-a a patron saint for the United States, but there are some American saints. Just the last couple of years they made-a some. The first was-a about-a two years ago. Her name was-a Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. Mother Seton-is-a what they call her. And she’s got-a these nuns of her own order who lobby-they’re real heavy-they came to Rome and everything. And it’s amazing, you see. To be made a saint in-a the catholic church, you have to have-a four miracles. That’s-a the rules, you know. It’s-a always been that-a. Four miracles, and-a to prove it. Well, this-a Mother Seton-now they could only prove-a three miracles. But the Pope-he just waved the fourth one. He just waved it! And do you know why? It’s-a because she was American. It’s all-a politics. We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can’t-a get in just cause they say there’s already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks. Next thing you know, they’re gonna be making Kreskin a saint. Saint Kreskin-they’ll probably call him. It’s a good one.
Well, I’m-a very happy to announce that-a next time you see me, I’m-a gonna be monsegnior. That’s right. I was-a promoted. (audience applauds) Thank-a you, yes, thank-a you. Actually it’s not until next week that-a they sign-a the papers, but nothing can-a stop me now, and I’m-a real excited getting the new costume, everything, you know. When you’re monsegnior, you get to have a nice-a red stripe, (points to his right sleeve) and they say that-a nothing brings out the good veal in Italian restaurants than that-a red stripe, you know. I’m-a really looking forward to it. I just wish I was-a feeling better. Last night I got-a this-a tattoo (scratches left sleeve) and it’s-a really been itching me. I have a little fever, and-a I hope I feel better by the ceremonies.
Well, it was-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple of moments with you. Bill, you can-a take it-a back-a please.
Bill Murray: Thank you, Father Guido Sarducci.
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank-a you!
Bill Murray: [ a bust of Albert Einstein is on Bill Murray’s desk ] This past Wednesday, March 14th, marked the 100th birthday of my main genius, man, Dr. Albert Einstein. And I’d like to honor him in my own way. [ starts singing ]
“Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ nudges bust ] “Happy birthday to yoooou…” [ shakes bust by the hair ] “Happy birthday, Mister Relativity” [ pinches nose ] “Happy birthday to yoooou…”
[ kisses bust ] Get outta here, Albie! [ knocks over bust ] Jane?
Serving time in San Francisco for her attempt on the life of Gerald Ford, Lynette Squeaky-Fromme was charged this week for attacking a fellow prisoner with a hammer. Asked why she possessed such a weapon, authorities said that Squeaky works in the prison garden where her job is to assassinate weeds.
Independence, Missouri high school students held a mock trial this week and found late president Harry Truman not guilty of war crimes and dropping the atomic bomb on Japan. In a related story from Japan, Hiroshima high school students also held a trial, also found Truman not guilty, and just for fun, fired off a nuclear missile that completely wiped out Independence, Missouri.
Dan Aykroyd: I’m station manager Dan Akroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not neccessarily mean a lack of a total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man’s career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there’s an old saying: “Behind every successful man there’s a woman.” A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn’t know about that, Dan, because there’s no old saying about what’s behind a miserable failure. [ gives a look of arrogance ]
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let’s all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin’s last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you’re on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate’s at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Superman/Clark Kent … Bill Murray Beverly … Gilda Radner The Flash … Dan Aykroyd Lana Lang … Jane Curtin The Hulk … John Belushi Cookie Hulk … Laraine Newman Antman … Garrett Morris
[A spacious high-rise apartment overlooking the cityof Metropolis. Lois Lane stands by a punch bowl.]
Lois Lane: Honey! Honey, do you want to mix the punch?I don’t know what it is. Four parts vodka to one mixor– Ahhh! [she pours the vodka directly in the bowlas Superman, wearing an apron, bounds into the roomand adopts his power stance with hands on hips]
Lois Lane: What is it?
Superman: It’s four parts to one. Can you do it,sweetheart? I’m putting the nachos in the oven.
Lois Lane: Okay. You know, I sure hope the people mixbetter than they did at my birthday party. I mean,your friends clumped on one side and all my friendswere on another side. [doorbell rings] Who can thatbe? They’re ten minutes early?
Superman: I’ll get it. [bounds to the door and opensit to reveal the Flash] Hey! If it isn’t the fastestman alive! [they shake hands as the Flash’s dateBeverly enters]
Lois Lane: [kisses Flash on cheek] How are ya? Hi,Beverly!
Beverly: Hi.
The Flash: Superman, Lois. My friend, Beverly. [theyexchange greetings]
Beverly: Ohhh, look at your ring! What a beautifuldiamond!
Lois Lane: Aw, thanks. Hubby here made it out of a bagof E-Z Lite Charcoal Briquettes for me.
The Flash: He’s a real handyman around the house, huh?
Lois Lane: Uh huh.
The Flash: Hey, probably won’t need one of these.[offers a gift-wrapped present]
Superman: Ohhh! A corkscrew. Thank you.
Lois Lane: [annoyed, to Superman] Uh, would you let meopen it first? I mean, there are some of us who don’thave X-ray vision and we like to be surprised.
Superman: [nods in agreement] I’m sorry.
Lois Lane: [unwraps present] Oh! A corkscrew!
Superman: A corkscrew! Well, thank you.
Lois Lane: Oh, thank you.
Superman: You know, it’s the one thing I could reallyuse around the house. You know, lately, I’ve beensucking the cork out and I end up drinking the wholebottle. Thank you.
Lois Lane: You really shouldn’t have.
The Flash: That’s okay.
Superman: Flash? Beverly?
Lois Lane: Beverly? Want some punch?
Superman: Punch?
Beverly: Oh, great. [all four walk to the punch bowl]
The Flash: Well, thanks, I just had some there as -while you asked me. Ha ha! When you blinked your eye.
Superman: [chuckles] Would you like some more?
The Flash: I just had some there when you just askedme the second time.
Beverly: Honey, you’d better slow down.
The Flash: Oh, you know me. [laughs]
Beverly: Mm hmm.
Lois Lane: [hands punch to Beverly] There you go,dear.
Beverly: Thank you.
The Flash: Thanks a lot. Oh, great. That looks great.
Superman: [sensing trouble, glancing at door] Oh, uh…
The Flash: Beautiful apartment.
Lois Lane: Thank you.
Superman: … Lana Lang is here, Lois.
Lois Lane: [doorbell rings, coolly] I’ll get it,honey. [heads for the door]
The Flash: [to Superman] You and that crazy X-rayvision! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Lois Lane: [opens door without looking,unenthusiastic] Hi, Lana.
Lana Lang: [breezes in, cigarette in one hand, thicklysugarcoating her envy] Hi, Lois. How’s the luckiestgirl in the world?
Lois Lane: [mimics her faux sweetness] Oh, just fine.Why don’t you join the party and try and have somefun?
[But Lana has already breezed past her to joinSuperman and friends at the punch bowl.]
Lana Lang: [puts a loving hand on Superman] Hello.
Superman: Hi, Lana. Have you met my friends, the Flashand – and Beverly? [Lois pointedly pushes Lana awayfrom Superman as she rejoins him]
Beverly: Beverly, yes.
The Flash: Hello. How are ya?
Lana Lang: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Oh, bythe way, Superman, I just read that profile of you byClark Kent for the Daily Planet. Boy, does Clark Kentlove you.
Superman: Heh heh heh. [Lois fixes a drink for Lana asSuperman deftly changes the subject] Say, Flash, I gota new ping pong table in the rec room. What do you sayI take you on?
The Flash: Okay, but no betting. You know what happenswhen we bet. [they laugh heartily]
Lana Lang: [accepting punch from Lois] Thank you.
The Flash: [to Superman] Let’s do it. [to Beverly] Seeya later, Bev.
Beverly: Bye-bye.
[Superman and the Flash exit, leaving the women at thepunch bowl.]
Lana Lang: Well, Lois, married life seems to beagreeing with you.
Lois Lane: Well, yes, but, uh, you know, living with asuperhero does have its problems, Lana.
[Unlike the other women who are used to this sort ofthing, Lana Lang looks momentarily disconcerted at thesounds of the super-speed ping pong playing thatdrifts in from the rec room.]
Beverly: I’ll say. My biggest problem with the Flashis that I just cannot get him to relax and he hastrouble sleeping.
Lois Lane: Well, there’s still a lot I don’t knowabout Superman, I mean, he still won’t told me hissecret identity.
Lana Lang: Well, if he won’t tell you his secretidentity, maybe there’s some other things that he’snot telling you.
Lois Lane: [ironic] Ha ha ha. [doorbell rings] Oh,wait, I’ll get it. Hang on a minute. Be right back.[goes to door and opens it] Hulk! [The green-skinnedIncredible Hulk, carrying a cookie tin, enters] Comeon in! [Hulk mutters and flexes his ratherout-of-shape muscles] You crazy nut! [Lois gives theHulk a hug and kiss] How are ya?
The Hulk: Hey, Lois! Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Lois Lane: How was the parade? Were you the GrandMarshall again?
The Hulk: Naw, the Green Lantern’s turn this year. Werotate. One year …
Lois Lane: Oh, yeah.
[The Hulk’s wife, Cookie, enters, head bandaged, armin a cast, and with a crutch for support]
Lois Lane: Cookie! Cookie Hulk! What happened to you?
Cookie Hulk: [annoyed] What do ya think happened?[sharply, to the Hulk] I swear, first thing Mondaymorning — twin beds!
The Hulk: [grudgingly] Oh, all right. [to Lois] Oh,uh, we got a present for ya.
Lois Lane: What?
The Hulk: [opens lid of cookie tin] KRYPTONITE! [Loisjumps back startled as Hulk shuts lid and howls withlaughter] Ah ha ha ha! Just kidding! [hands Lois thecookie tin] It’s, uh, it’s almond bark.
Lois Lane: It’s almond bark?
The Hulk: Yeah, almond bark.
Lois Lane: [underwhelmed] Oh. [opens lid, looksinside] Thank you very much.
The Hulk: Hey, where’s that invincible husband ofyours, anyway, huh?
[Superman bounds in, to the delight of Lois, Cookieand the Hulk. Hulk hollers happily, moves toward him.]
Superman: [to Hulk] How’s it goin’?
The Hulk: Superman! Howzit goin’?! [they shake hands,Hulk pretends Superman has a crushing grip] Ooh oohooh, let go, let go, let go! [they both crack up, theFlash enters and shakes hands with the Hulk] Hey,Flash!
The Flash: How ya doin’?
The Hulk: What are you two jokers doin’ around here?Hey! [they playfully punch one another]
[Meanwhile, at the punch bowl, Lois fixes a drink forCookie.]
Lois Lane: [snidely, to Lana] How are the cookies?Eating ’em all up yet?
Lana Lang: You know, I’m surprised Clark Kent isn’there.
Lois Lane: I hope he comes. I invited him.
Lana Lang: You know, it’s funny.
Lois Lane: What?
Lana Lang: About Clark.
Lois Lane: What?
Lana Lang: Have you ever noticed how you never seeClark and the Flash together at the same time?
Lois Lane: [thinks about it] Hmm.
[Doorbell rings, the Flash moves to answer it.]
The Flash: I’ll get it, Lois. [opens door, grunts andcrouches as if putting his arm around someone] SueStorm, the Invisible Girl! [laughs] Come on right in![Spider-Man, looking rather thin, enters and shakeshands with Flash] Hey, Spider-Man! All right.[Spider-Woman, looking stunningly sexy, enters andgets a kiss and handshake from Flash] Spider-Woman.How are ya? Hey. [The Thing, huge and orange, mustenter sideways] Ah, the Thing! All right! Come on in,join the party. [Antman, wearing a helmet withantennae, enters and shakes hands, but the Flashdoesn’t recognize him] Ah… Excuse me, I’m not sureif I remember your name. I’m really bad with names,you know.
Antman: [high-pitched voice] You don’t remember me? Wemet several times. I is Antman. A-N-T-M-A-N.
The Flash: Oh, right, right.
Antman: Yeah.
The Flash: Uh, Antman.
Antman: Yeah.
The Flash: What are your super powers again? You – you- you talk to the ants, is that it?
Antman: Well, partly. But, mainly, I shrink myselfdown to the size of an ant while retaining my fullhuman strength.
The Flash: Really?
Antman: Yeah.
The Flash: [sarcastic] Oooh, that’s really impressive.Size of an ant with human strength. You must be ableto clean house on those other ants, huh? [chuckles]Hey! Hey, Hulk! Hey, check this guy out.
[The Hulk joins them. He and the Flash can barely keepfrom laughing at poor Antman and can’t help chortlingin-between their heavily sarcastic remarks:]
The Hulk: Ooooh!
The Flash: He’s got the strength of a human!
The Hulk: Antman, huh?! Where are your ants?
Antman: They’re – they’re at home, uh, in the antfarm.
The Hulk: Oh, better stay out of this guy’s way.
The Flash: Oooh! Every molecule’s quiverin’ now!
Antman: I don’t see what’s so funny. There somethingwrong with being Antman? I mean, what’s the joke? Idon’t see what’s so–
The Hulk: Oh, great, great, Antman. Oh, excuse me.[joins Lois at punch bowl]
The Flash: [to Antman] Don’t worry about it. We’rejust ribbin’ ya.
The Hulk: Hey, Lois, uh, where’s the can? Is it aroundhere?
Lois Lane: Right over there.
The Hulk: Over there, huh?
[Whistling nonchalantly, the Hulk exits into thebathroom.]
Lois Lane: Wait, um …
[A woman screams. The Hulk emerges hastily from thebathroom.]
The Hulk: All right! All right! Geez! Sorry! I’msorry! Sorry I didn’t see ya sittin’ there on the pot,there. [to the folks at the punch bowl] Hey, if theInvisible Girl is gonna go to the bathroom, she shouldlock the door!
[The Hulk walks off and we center on Lois and Supermanat the punch bowl:]
Lois Lane: [to Superman] I wonder where Clark Kent is.
Superman: Aw, don’t worry about Clark. I have afeeling he’ll show up some time tonight.
Lois Lane: Well, maybe I could call him and ask him tobring some ice. We’re sort of running low on ice.
Superman: More ice?
Lois Lane: Yeah.
Superman: Excuse me for a minute, my love. I’ll beright back.
Lois Lane: Okay.
[Superman bounds to the glass doors that open onto thebalcony, opens them, licks his finger, puts it to theair to test the wind, then flies off. Meanwhile,Beverly and Cookie sit together, chatting:]
Beverly: Say, Cookie, the Hulk, uh, looks like he lostsome weight.
Cookie Hulk: Yeah, but he’s still, uh, way out ofshape. I gotta get him to go on a diet this summer.
Beverly: Oh, boy. Did you see the love handles on theFlash? [At the punch bowl, the Flash smokes what mayor may not be a cigarette while conversing with Antmanand the Hulk; he offers them the butt and they eachtake a drag] He stopped smoking again and then hestarted smoking again and now he smokes six packs aday.
Cookie Hulk: Well, they’re all letting themselves go.And, I mean, you know, who can blame them? I mean,since the Justice League of America wiped out all thesuper-villains, these guys have NOTHING to do!
Beverly: Tell me about it. Have you seen the GreenLantern? It’s unbelievable. He looks like OrsonWelles.
Cookie Hulk: [disgusted] Oh!
[Doorbell rings, Lois opens the door and Superman, inhis secret identity as mild-mannered reporter ClarkKent, enters.]
Clark Kent: Hi, Lois.
Lois Lane: Oh, hi, Clark. God, I didn’t know if youwere gonna make it. I’m so glad you came.
Clark Kent: I’m afraid I can’t stay too long, Lois. Igotta get back to the office. By the way, is Supermanhere?
Lois Lane: No, he flew out for some ice.
Clark Kent: Oh. So, Lois, I don’t get to see you toomuch more now that you’re married. Hey, must be greatbeing married to the Man of Steel, huh? Ha ha ha ha! Iguess he must be a terrific husband, huh? Ha ha!
Lois Lane: Clark … can I confide in you?
Clark Kent: Well, of course you can, Lois.
Lois Lane: Well, I – I feel like I can talk to you,Clark, because I’ve known you for a long time, andfrom your article you seem to have such a high opinionof Superman but …
Clark Kent: Uh huh?
Lois Lane: Clark. It’s about Superman. I mean, I can’ttell you how incredibly dull he is. I mean, he’s sokindhearted and all that but he’s so boring sometimesI think I’m gonna lose my mind.
Clark Kent: [devastated but tries to hide it] I – I -I’m surprised to hear that, Lois.
Lois Lane: It’s not his fault, he’s from Krypton. Imean, he’s so just so straight though. You know, whenwe got married he was a virgin?
Clark Kent: So, what’s so bad about that, both youbeing virgins?
Lois Lane: Oh, come on, Clark. I went out with theHulk for six months.
Clark Kent: [stunned] You and – you and the Hulk, huh?Ha ha. That’s funny. [laughs nervously] Ow. Does, uh,Superman know this?
Lois Lane: Well, I don’t know. It never really cameup. I – I don’t think it’d bother him.
Clark Kent: Yeah, I’m sure it wouldn’t matter to a guylike Superman. So, uh, does – does anyone else knowabout you and the Hulk?
Lois Lane: Well, sure. The Flash and Spider-Man and,uh, the Thing and, uh …
Clark Kent: [nods in disbelief] Thing.
Lois Lane: I told Perry White, yeah, and, uh, Clark, Itold– Clark, what’s the matter?
Clark Kent: [completely shaken] Uh …
Lois Lane: Jimmy Olsen, I told–
Clark Kent: Yeah. I gotta cab waiting outside. Uh, Igotta go, I’m afraid.
Lois Lane: Oh, I’m sorry I laid this on you. I justhad to get it off my chest.
Clark Kent: Oh, no, I – I love to listen, uh, thankyou. ‘Preciate it. Tell Superman I stopped by.
Lois Lane: Yeah, I’ll tell him. Good night.
[Clark exits. Lois shuts the door behind him, thenputs a hand to her mouth, looking worried. Meanwhile,at the closed bathroom door, the Flash is in themiddle of a conversation with Lana and Antman:]
The Flash: … You can’t get art like that. You haveto rent it or buy it outright. [knocks on bathroomdoor] Hey, Hulk! Hulk! Come on, you got a lot ofpeople standin’ out here in line. Come on!
The Hulk: [emerges from bathroom] All right, allright, take it easy!
[Lana, Antman and the Flash instantly react in horrorto the awful smell that emerges with the Hulk.]
The Flash: Whoa! Whoa!
The Hulk: [annoyed at the reaction] Come on!
Lana Lang: Did something die in there? [She ignitesher cigarette lighter and holds it to the door whichthe Flash shuts.]
The Hulk: Take it easy. It’s not supposed to smelllike roses. Come on.
The Flash: Light a blowtorch!
[Spider-Man and Spider-Woman stand on either side ofthe open balcony door.]
Spider-Woman: Up in the sky! It’s a bird!
Spider-Man: It’s a plane!
[Superman, still dressed as Clark Kent, lands on thebalcony and enters, carrying a bag of ice. Stillshaken by Lois’ revelation, he has forgotten to changeback into Superman.]
The Flash: It’s … It’s Clark Kent!
Spider-Woman: [pointing at Clark] Of course!
The Flash: Of course! Clark Kent is Superman!
Clark Kent: [realizes too late that he wears the wrongclothes] Awww … [quietly cursing himself for hisstupidity] Dumb sssss….
[The guests register stunned reactions, openmouthed,scratching their heads in disbelief, amazed that theyhad never figured this out before.]
The Flash: That’s it!
Clark Kent: [suddenly goes berserk] Okay, out! Getout! Everybody out! All right!
[Lois tries to placate Clark as the guests protest.]
The Hulk: What? Come on!
Clark Kent: [threatens the Hulk] Get out of here,Hulk!
The Hulk: [nervously moves away] All right, hey, hey!
Clark Kent: [angry, to the Flash] You knew all along,didn’t you, Fl–?! Get out of here!
The Flash: Naw! I’m your buddy, pal!
Clark Kent: Everybody out of here!
[The guests crowd toward the door and exit. Clarkdumps the ice in the punch bowl.]
Lois Lane: [tries to calm him] Clark! Clark!
[Clark turns and throws some ice at the Flash, thenstarts beating the Thing on his orange head as Beverlytries to intervene. A distraught Lois, hands to herface, watches from a safe distance as the guestsdepart.
[We pull back, off the spacious set, past cameras andboom microphones.]
[SUPER: “coming up next… Leprechaun Singles Bars”]
[ as background music plays, scenes show navy workers performing various activities: mopping a floor, peeling potatoes, cooking and serving cafeteria food, scrubbing toilets, chipping paint off of an old ship wall, fastening chains on a ship, mopping the ship, tarring a ship floor, and sitting in a room watching TV ]
The Navy. See your local recruiter or call toll free.
[ final image shows phone number 311-555-5000 against a man with a mop and bucket – the motto is also shown ]
Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!
[ title card lifts to reveal Mr. Hands searching for Mr. Bill ]
Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill? Say, Mr. Bill, where are you? We’re supposed to go bowling today, remember? [ picks up a note ] Hmm.. a note..
Mr. Bill V/O: “Dear, Mr. Hands: Went shopping, be back later.”
Mr. Hands: Oh, well. Maybe I’ll stop by later.
[ Mr. Hands exits, as the camera moves in on the closet door ]
Mr. Bill: Psst! Hey, kids! It’s me, Mr. Bill! No, over here. Yeah! I’m hiding in the closet. Ohhhhh, I’m sorry I had to tell a fib.. but I didn’t want Mr. Hands to know where me and Spot are. you know, I’m beginning to wnder if we’re very safe around him any more. I-I’m even beginning to think that he likes Mr. Sluggo better than he likes me, because he always let’s him pick on me! And the mean things he does to poor little Spot. You know, it gets me mad sometimes! And then, today, Mr. Hands says he wanted us to go “bowling” with him? Well, you know, I think that we’d be a lot safer hiding in here. So, kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today! Because we’re all gonna play in the closet! Yaaaaaayyy!! Now.. [ the sound of the front door opwening and closing is heard ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh, Mr. Hands is home. Don’t cry, we’ll be safe here.
Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, I’m back? Where are ya?
Mr. Bill’s Voice: Shhhhhhh!!
Mr. Hands: Gee.. I just can’t imagine where he could be. It just isn’t like Mr. Bill. Oh, well.. Since I’m here, I might as well return his bowling ball. I’ll put it in the closet. It’s good to return borrowed things properly.
[ Mr. Hands drops the bowling ball into the lcoset, which lands directly in Mr. Bill’s head ]
…..Margot Kidder …..Gilda Radner Audience Member…..Jim Downey …..Dave Wilson …..Pete Fatovich …..Lorne Michaels Interviewer…..Tom Schiller Medical Squad #1…..Tom Davis Medical Squad #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Margot Kidder: Hi! [ audience cheers loudly ] Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Happy St. Patrick’s Day! [ audience goes crazy with applause ] Boy, thanks! It’s, uh.. it’s.. really a double treat for me to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live” because, uh.. it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and, uh.. y-y-you, uh.. New Yorkers are right out of your minds, I gotta tell ya! [ audience applauds themselves for being out of their minds ] I mean, this city was one big party today! It actually made the Mardi Gras look like a wake! I mean, the parade was terrific, everybody’s drunk in all the bars..
[ the camera angle begins to droop to the floor, unbeknownst to Kidder, as only her feet are visible ]
Margot Kidder: ..But I-I sort of.. I guess it’s the luck of the Irish, uh.. I feel proud to be Irish..
[ the feet of Gilda Radner’s steps up to Margot Kidder’s feet ]
Gilda Radner: Margo..
Margot Kidder: Hi! Gilda, what are you doing here? Are we on the air?
Gilda Radner: Uh.. yeah.. well, we’re sorta half on the air..
Margot Kidder: Well, what do you mean half on..?
Gilda Radner: Wait, just come down here.. look for a second..
[ both women lean on the knees on the floor, and stare perplexed at the camera ]
Margot Kidder: Ohhh.. oh, I see what you mean. Gilda, what’s going on?
Gilda Radner: Oh, nothing! It’s no problem at all! It’s just this time of year, you know? St. Patrick’s Day. Most of the.. most of the crew’s Irish, and, uh..
Margot Kidder: Ohhhhh..
Gilda Radner: Look, there’s nothing to worry about.. We can- Just follow me, okay? We’ll go away to the control booth and see.
Margot Kidder: Okay, okay..
Gilda Radner: It’s nothing to worry about at all – technically. It’s live TV! It’s spontaneous! Things happen all the time!
[ an audience member rises from his seat, stopping Gilda and Margot in their tracks ]
Audience Member: Eh-excuse me, Miss kidder?
Gilda Radner: Wait, you shouldn’t be bothering her..
Margot Kidder: No, it’s okay.. it’s okay.
Audience Member: Yeah, I-I saw you in “Superman”, and I thought you were just great.
Margot Kidder: Oh, thank you!
Audience Member: I have this bet with a friend – is it true you only use 10% of your brain?
Margot Kidder: Uh.. y-yes.. I guess that’s true..
Gilda Radner: Could you please sit down! The audience is not supposed to ask questions of the host! [ Gilda pushes the audience member back to his seat, as she and Margot continue their walk to the control room ] You know, last week we had a horse, and he kepy walking around.. but we have the best director – Dave Wilson – and he can handle anything! There’s nothing to wory about!
Margot Kidder: Do these technical problems happen all the time?
Gilda Radner: Oh, sure! All the time! Didn’t you see “Hello, Larry” on NBC?
[ in the control room at last, they find the control drunk off their asses, singing and chanting merrily with glasses raised high ]
Gilda Radner: Excuse me! Excuse me! [ notices director Dave Wilson collapsing to the floor, as assistant director Pete Fatovich tries to lift him back into his seat ] Oh, no! Oh, no! Pete! Pete! Peeeeete!
Pete Fatovich: Whaaat??!
Gilda Radner: When did- When did-
Pete Fatovich: It’s alright, it’s gonna be alright..
Gilda Radner: When did Dave-
Pete Fatovich: Last week! About halfway through the Gary Busey show!
Gilda Radner: Oh, no..
Pete Fatovich: Don’t worry! Don’t worry! It’s gonna be alright.
Gilda Radner: Margo, this is Dave Wilson..
Dave Wilson: [ groggily ] Right here, hello!
Margot Kidder: Where’s Lorne?
Gilda Radner: Lorne?
Margot Kidder: Lorne.. Lorne told me if I had a problem, I could go right to him.
Gilda Radner: Well, he’s doing an interview now, I don’t know if we could- [ looks to the back and notices Lorne at hisi nterview ] Wait! Back there! Come here, come here.. [ leads Margot to the back room ]
[ camera pans over to a glass wall, where Lorne Michaels can be seen conducting an interview in an interior office ]
Lorne Michaels: Politics is always a possibility.. I mean, let’s face it, being a producer is like being a senator-
[ Gilda and Margot enter the office to interrupt Lorne ]
Margo Kidder: Lorne? Um..
Lorne Michaels: Yeah? Sorry.
Gilda Radner: Um.. Lorne? Did you see Davey? Did you see Davey?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’s alright – the medical squad is on its way down. They’ve already-
Gilda Radner: Oh! So there’s nothing to worry about!
Lorne Michaels: There’s really nothing to worry about. They’ll be here in a minute or two – it happens every day..
Gilda Radner: It’s okay, Margot.. come on, we’ll go back.
[ Gilda and Margo leave the office, as the camera pans back to the out-of-control control area, a medical squad already on the scene to revive Dave Wilson ]
Gilda Radner: Oh, look.. is he gonna be alright?
Medical Squad #1: He’ll be alright.. he’ll be alright.. Every year it’s like this, every year..
Gilda Radner: Okay, okay..
Medical Squad #1: David Brinkley passed out on Segment Three!
Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay. Everything’s going to be alright, Margo.
Margo Kidder: He looks real efficient.
Gilda Radner: Oh, he’s the best director in the world! [ to the medical squad ] Pour some water on him! [ the medical squad splashes water on Dave’s face ] Good!
Dave Wilson: [ groggy, but coming back into his own ] “Live! From New York..!”
Gilda Radner: No, Dave! No! Dave! Dave, this is-
Pete Fatovich: We did that already!
Medical Squad #1: Sit him up! Sit him up! Come on! Come on!
Gilda Radner: No, no! Davey! Davey, listen to me! This is Margo Kidder! She’s hosting this week’s show! [ to Margo ] It’s Dave Wilson, our director.
Dave Wilson: Jean..? How are ya..? Nice to meet you..?
Margo Kidder: Margo! Margo!
Dave Wilson: Mar-go..
Margo Kidder: Yeah!
Dave Wilson: I’ll tell you what – take her out there, let’s start again from the top..
Gilda Radner: Alright! come on, Margo, come on.. yeah, we’re going.
[ Gilda and Margo hurry out of the control room ]
Dave Wilson: Stand by!
Pete Fatovich: Roll the tape, Dave?
Dave Wilson: Run it!
Pete Fatovich: Yeah, alright.. Three! Two! O-one..
Eve Beverage … Jane Curtin Edna Woman … Margot Kidder Betsy Sandler … Gilda Radner Patsy Carlson … Laraine Newman First Questioner … Anne Beatts Second Questioner … Rosie Shuster
[Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man” plays as we fadein on the set of a talk show. SUPER: MEN’S PROBLEMS.Four suburban women sit and talk amongstthemselves.]
Eve Beverage: [to the woman beside her] Oh, Iknow! And it’s just that they, you know, they come outof there and they keep trying to go back in! You know?It’s terrible.
Edna Woman: I know. I know just what youmean.
Eve Beverage: [into the camera] Oh, hi! I’m EveBeverage. And welcome to Men’s Problems, the show thattries to help men. And now let’s meet the girls. EdnaWoman.
Edna Woman: Hiya. [waves, smiles – wears a pinkpantsuit, her legs spread wide apart throughout thesketch]
Eve Beverage: Betsy Sandler. [bespectacledwoman who smiles and nods] Patsy Carlson. [redhead whowaves] Marsha Dieter couldn’t be here ’cause herhusband hadn’t eaten dinner yet. Well, last week, wewere talking about how all men are in love with theirmothers and hate them at the same time.
Edna Woman: I think men are – are all spoiledbabies ’cause their mothers gave ’em everything theywanted. Except sex.
Eve Beverage: Oh, exactly. They’re likechildren.
Edna Woman: Yeah.
Betsy Sandler: Oh, tell me about it! I gotthree kids: two are my real kids and one is my husbandPeter. [waves, into the camera] Hi, kids! Hi,Peter!
Eve Beverage: Well, maybe they behave likechildren because they can never actually have childrenthemselves.
Edna Woman: Yeah. And even if they do havekids, they can never actually be sure who the fatherreally is. That’s a problem.
Eve Beverage: Very good point. Very goodpoint.
Edna Woman: That’s a really big men’sproblem.
Eve Beverage: Well, what else, do youthink?
Edna Woman: Size.
Eve Beverage: Ahhh!
Edna Woman: Size is a big problem.
Betsy Sandler: Yeah. Well, uh, size can eitherbe a big problem or a little problem.
[Others murmur agreement or say, “Yeah” andchuckle.]
Eve Beverage: That’s true. That’s very true.Very true.
Betsy Sandler: [into camera] Oh, I didn’t – Ididn’t mean anything specific about you, Peter.[chuckles]
Eve Beverage: Well, one huge men’s problem isthat they can’t make us climax.
Edna Woman: [after an awkward pause, puts ahand on Eve’s arm] Oh, you gotta show him,honey.
Eve Beverage: Well–
Edna Woman: You gotta show him.
Eve Beverage: It’s always the same with Dick.First, he says, “Mama Bear, come to Papa Bear” — thenhe goes “Honk, honk, honk” and then falls asleep likea beached whale! [mimics snoring] You know what Imean? That’s terrible.
Betsy Sandler: Oh, God, it sounds just likePeter!
Eve Beverage: Oh, no!
Patsy Carlson: Uh, can I say something? Can I?I think it’s a terrible men’s problem when the guyfalls in love with you and you think he’s a creep. Andhe won’t take no for an answer. My God, if I couldhave a dime for every charity case I’ve slept with–[shakes her head, chuckling — pause as the othersstare at her in shock — uncomfortably] Well, thereweren’t that many.
Eve Beverage: Making us into masochists is aterrible men’s problem.
Betsy Sandler: [nods] Mmm. Oh, you wanna hear areally bad men’s problem?
Eve Beverage: That they can’t fake it.
Betsy Sandler: Uh, no, no. I – I was thinking,you know, you know, when – how men worry about theirhair?
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: And when they’re going bald, youknow?
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: And sometimes, there’s just hairin the back and they take and they comb it forward?
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: One – one strand —
Eve Beverage: Yes!
Betsy Sandler: — comes over the top like astripe – it looks like a stripe!
Eve Beverage: Yes! Yes!
Betsy Sandler: [laughs, suddenly serious, intocamera] Well, you know you do it, honey! Youknow you do.
Edna Woman: I – I think that biggest men’sproblem is that we can always do it – and they can’t.I mean, we can even do it when we’re dead.
Eve Beverage: Maybe, maybe. Now, why don’t wego to the Beef Box for some questions? [pointsaggressively] You!
First Questioner: [in the audience, at amicrophone] What about lesbianism?
Eve Beverage: [sharply] What about it? Nextquestion.
Second Questioner: [clutching her purse] Keepup the good work! Do any of you fool around?
Eve Beverage: Ahh!
Betsy Sandler: Oh, uh, me! [raises her hand]Um, I’m having an affair with this really great guywho I met totally by accident. I’m sorry,Peter.
Patsy Carlson: [laughs, then mangles her line]At least, she heard it from you, Peter! [having blownthe joke, puts hand to her face and shakes her head inamused embarrassment]
Eve Beverage: Well, we’re running out of timebut, clearly, not out of men’s problems. Thank you forwatching and I hope we’ve helped some of you men outthere. See ya next week.
[Applause, music: “Stand By Your Man” which drowns outsome of the following:]
Edna Woman: No! I didn’t get to my list –there’s war, rape, bad aim, [?], dingleberries, dirtymovies, [?], hair on the chest–
Margot Kidder: Hey, you guys, I, uh.. I had a great time, and I hope all of you did, too! And, uh.. [ audience cheers ] Good night! I love you, Daddy! I love you, Debbie!
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Air Date:
Texaco Star Theatre
Summary: Because Mr. Television himself is hosting tonight, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and John Belushi re-create the opening for the Texaco Star Theater.
Summary: Although he wishes he had all night, Milton Berle performs five minutes’ worth of jokes and one-liners from his nightclub act.
Recurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette.
Summary: Don Kirshner (Paul Shaffer) and his daughter Karen (Gilda Radner) introduce effeminate disco band The Village Persons (Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi) as they perform “Bend Over, Chuck Berry”.
Summary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) plays for the Mets. Rock critic Z Jones (Laraine Newman) ponders the derivative nature of Elvis Costello.
Summary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) interviews sleazy amusement park operator Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd).
Summary: Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) and her baby sister Sylvia (Laraine Newman) visit their father (Milton Berle) in the nursing home.
Transcript
Transcript
Also Performed: 
Summary: John Belushi promotes the sugary breakfast treat that has brought him success on the ahletic field.
