Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute

Mrs. Potter…..Margot Kidder
Fred Garvin…..Dan Aykroyd
Slick…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Mrs. Potter lying in bed in hotel room, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Mrs. Potter: I’m coming, I’m coming.. [ opens door ] Hello?

Fred Garvin: [ entering ] Mrs. Potter?

Mrs. Potter: Yes.. that’s me.

Fred Garvin: The same Mrs. Potter who’s Vice-President, in charge of loans for the Franklin National Bank in Chicago.

Mrs. Potter: Yeah, that’s me.

Fred Garvin: Here, this is for you.

Mrs. Potter: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Fred Garvin: May I come in?

Mrs. Potter: What for?

Fred Garvin: Well, ma’am, you see, when a VP like yourself comes to Milain to do business, it’s customary for the company to send a gal up to the room, compliments of Great Lakes Feed & Grain. And, well.. since you’re a gal, the company sent me – Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]

Mrs. Potter: Uh.. I don’t, I don’t think you understand, Fred. I’m not that kind of girl..

Fred Garvin: Oh, let me reassure you, ma’am. I can assure you profssional hygeine, discretion and animal gratification.

Mrs. Potter: I have never had to pay for that in my whole life.

Fred Garvin: Well, don’t worry about it. Great Lakes Feed & Grain is picking up the tab. You get me for the whole night!

Mrs. Potter: Hey, uh..

Fred Garvin: Hey is for horses, young lady. No ifs, ands or buts about it – you’re spending the night with Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]

Well, now, I have a work order here which specifies that I am to roger you roundly ’til 6:15 tomorrow morning.

Mrs. Potter: Now, wait a minute.. wait a minute. Don’t I get dome say in this? I mean, maybe I want some sleep. Maybe I don’t want to be rogered roundly.

Fred Garvin: Ma’am, you’re dealing here with a fully qualified male strumpet. I service the entire quad cities area – Moline, Rock Island, Davenport and Bettendorf. Why don’t you give it a whirl? What have you got to lose?

Mrs. Potter: [ walks aside to think to herself ] What do I have to lose? No one’s ever gonna know.. and I’m not gonna see Paul for another couple of weeks. Sure, Fred’s not the most attractive guy in the world.. but if he makes a living at this, he must be doing something right. [ finished thinking ] Okay, Mr. Garvin. I’ll try it.

Fred Garvin: Congratulations, Mrs. Potter! I knew you’d come to your sense. And, ma’am, if you’re amenable, I’d like to begin the session by striking a few.. seductive poses. [ makes series of odd, comic poses ]

Mrs. Potter: That’s nice..

Fred Garvin: I call this one “The Snake”. [ poses like a snake ]

Mrs. Potter: Uh.. well, I’m, uh..

Fred Garvin: Mrs. Potter, please cooperate. Come on, now, come on. You’ll thank yourself later, now come on. Get on under this bed here, young lady, come on, come on. Just jump right on in here.

Mrs. Potter: Okay. [ jumps in ]

Fred Garvin: Now, if you don’t mind, I do work with the glasses and jacket. [ climbs in ] Feeling anything yet? Any symptoms of arousal?

Mrs. Potter: I don’t think so.

Fred Garvin: Well, these things take time. Perhaps a bit of humor will break the ice. What’s red and green, and goes like this? [ makes spinning motion ]

Mrs. Potter: I don’t know.

Fred Garvin: A frog in a blender! There you go. And now, look at this. [ holds up card ]

Mrs. Potter: What’s this?

Fred Garvin: My backseat driver’s license! [ laughs ] Enough foreplay – let’s get cracking. [ removes pants ]

Mrs. Potter: [ notices something ] Hey, wait a minute..

Fred Garvin: What?

Mrs. Potter: What is all that stuff?

Fred Garvin: Oh, uh.. that’s my rather elaborate network of trusses. I will need your help with a couple of these. I got the old hernia truss here.. and I got a spleen truss, it opens up with a couple of snaps here in the back..

Mrs. Potter: No, I don’t think so.. you know, I.. I.. I think this is a little too much for me, I, uh..

Fred Garvin: No, no.. it’s just a couple of snaps in the back. You know, you just gotta make sure you don’t touch the rupture, that’s all..

[ a knock at the door ]

Mrs. Potter: Who’s that? Who’s that?

Slick: It’s Slick.

Mrs. Potter: Who’s Slick?

Fred Garvin: Uh.. Slick. This takes a little explanation. You see.. Slick is a gentleman of leisure. He looks out for me and the girls. Uh.. be there in a jiffy, Slick! By the way, one good word from you would really put me in good with the boss.

Mrs. Potter: Okay.

Fred Garvin: [ opens door ] Hey, Slick!

Slick: [ enters, dressed a pimp ] There’s my main man! I was down in the hallway, I thought you mind need some help with your trusses, baby.

Mrs. Potter: Oh, no, we don’t need any help with his trusses. In fact, I think maybe you’d both better get out of here.

Slick: What’s the matter, Miss? Hasn’t Fred attended to your needs?

Mrs. Potter: Oh, no.. he’s really attended to my needs.. [ Fred signals her ] He was wonderful! The earth moved! In fact, it moved so muich, I don’t think I can take any more!

Slick: [ laughs ] That’s my Fred! Yeah. He’s my bread-and-butter man. You see, in my schedule I got eight girls, and Fred. Come on, Fred, let’s go, man. They got some hungry women in Beddendorf waiting for the Garden Lizard.

Mrs. Potter: Fred? Fred? Fred, I just want to thank you for tonight. I’m never going to forget it.

Fred Garvin: Well, thank you, ma’am. I do what I can. Because I’m Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]

[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Beware of the Dogma” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Al Franken
…..Dan Aykroyd
Augie Hartwell…..Tom Davis

[ open on Franken & Davis title card ]

Announcer: It’s time for “the Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now.. here’s Al & Tom!

[ dissolve to Al Franken standing onstage alone ]

Al Franken: Thak you, thank you! Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tom is backstage, uh.. getting dressed. Before we start the show tonight, there’s something that I’d like to get off my chest, it’s been really bugging me. As you know, “The Franken & Davis Show” has rocketed me to stardom.. and, of course, I’m thrilled about it. But, unfortunately, a few unscrupulous people have.. tried to.. capitalize on the success of “The Franken & Davis Show”, and.. well, something ugly has happened. A few days ago, I was in the supermarket, I was in the dry cereal section, and I saw this! [ holds up a box of the cereal Frankenberry” ] “Franken Berry”! Okay? Franken Berry cereal. This is my name! They’re using my name – Franken – and this is my face! I mean, look at this! [ turns the box around to reveal a full-sized potrait of the pinkish Frankenberry monster – Al mimics the facial expression ] Huh? Okay? This is.. this is my mouth.. my nose – can you see that? They’ve got my glasses.. and this is the worst part, look at this.. [ covers everything below the head ] Can you see that? They’re using my rear end! Can you see that? They’re using my charisma to push a breakfast cereal, and I just. I just had to get that.. get that off my chest, and we’re suing the Big G! Let me just say that.

Well.. enough of that. Let’s get.. let’s get right to tonight’s show.

[ dissolve to title card for “Pity Thy Neighbor”; dissolve back to Al Franken and Dan Aykroyd onstage ]

Al Franken: Welcome to Franken & Davis’ “Pity Thy Neighbor” – the program that gives you the opportunity to give something you don’t need.. to someone who will take it. Now.. Dan Aykroyd? Tell us who our first pitiful neighbor is, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: Well, Al.. let us welcome Mr. Augie Hartwell! A young man whom we are told is down on his luck.

[ audience claps as Augie enters ]

Al Franken: Welcome, Augie, uh.. how are you?

Augie Hartwell: I’ve.. been sick.

Al Franken: You’ve been sick?

Augie Hartwell: Yes.

Al Franken: Well, Augie, how sick are you?

Augie Hartwell: Well, my urine is bright orange.. and I’ve had a headache for a year..

Al Franken: Ladies and gentlemen, this poor man.. has been sick for a year – his urine is bright orange.. I’m gonna open the lines. Let’s flash those numbers.. let’s put those numbers on the screen now. If you have anything that you’d like to give.. this poor, wretched creature.. phone in that number right there.. and I’m sure he’ll take it. Now, uh.. tell us, Augie.. where do you live?

Augie Hartwell: I live in, uh.. Gramercy Park.

Al Franken: Well, that’s a, uh.. fashionable area..

Augie Hartwell: No, in the park! In the bushes!!

Al Franken: Oh, in the actual park..

Augie Hartwell: Yeah!

Al Franken: Oh, that is.. that is terribly pathetic. Uh, Dan Aykroyd? How many phone-in pledges do we have for Augie?

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, well.. we haven’t had a ring yet, Al.

Al Franken: None? None. Um.. Augie, uh.. why don’t you tell us, uh.. what do you eat?

Augie Hartwell: Popcorn and pigeons.

Al Franken: Oh., Oh, ladies and gentlemen.. here is a man with no home, no possessions.. an obviously scanty diet. Certainly there must be something that you don’t need – a dented soup can.. a-an old stained mattress.. something .. that you can send this.. pathetic creature. Well, certainly we have some calls by now, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: [ sighs ] Nothing. Nada! Al.

Al Franken: [ feeling dejected ] Oh. Well, uh.. tell me, Augie.. how did you get down to our, uh.. show today? How do you get around town?

Augie Hartwell: I grab on the back of a bus!

Al Franken: You grab on..?

Augie Hartwell: Yeah.. ow-oh!!

Al Franken: Augie.. Augie..?

Augie Hartwell: Oh-ow!!

Al Franken: ..What happened?

Augie Hartwell: I bit my tongue again!

Al Franken: Oh.. oh.. you are a mess..

Augie Hartwell: Oh..

Al Franken: Well, Dan? Did he get any.. any calls?

Dan Aykroyd: No.

Al Franken: Well, gee, I’m.. sorry, Augie.. this has never happened on.. “Pity Thy Neighbor” before. Sorry we’re running out of time, there’s other pitiful neighbors waiting out in the wings, I’m.. afriad you’re going to have to leave..

Augie Hartwell: Well, you’re the only one who cares about me.. why don’t you give me something now?

Al Franken: Oh, no, I’m sorry, Augie, I can’t.. I see hundreds of pitiful neighbors every week. If I.. if I gave to you, I’d have to give to them all. Then I’d be a pitiful neighbor myself!

Augie Hartwell: Does that mean I don’t get anything?

Al Franken: Uh, no.. we wouldn’t ket you go without anything. We wouldn’t let you go empty-handed. Dan, why don’t you tell Augie what he’s won.

Dan Aykroyd: Well, Al.. Augie has won the home version of the “Pity Thy Neighbor” game! [ holds game box up ] Which you can play with your friends or family.

Augie Hartwell: But I don’t have any friends..

Al Franken: Well, that’s-

Augie Hartwell: ..or family..

Al Franken: Well, that’s too bad.. Now, remember, Augie, you can only appear once.. on “Pity Thy Neighbor”, so.. goodbye, and don’t come back.

Augie Hartwell: [ meekly ] Thank you..

Dan Aykroyd: [ grabbing Augie and dragging him out of the studio ] Let’s go, pal!

Al Franken: Uh.. be sure to tune in next week, when our next pitiful neighbor says his name.. is Steven Weed.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Al & Tom will be right back after this message. “The Franken & Davis Show” is brought ot you by the International Communist Party: Sooner or later, you’ll be Communist. And now.. here’s Al & Tom!

[ dissolve to Al & Tom waving good night to the audience ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Thanks for watching!

Al Franken: Thanks! Good night!

[ zoom out on set, as SUPER arises: “Coming up next… Honk If You Love Geese” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Doyle’s Tavern

Dick Lankey…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Gilda Radner
Bob Gallagher…..Dan Aykroyd
Caller #2…..Jane Curtin
Ghost of Jimmy Hoffa…..John Belushi

[ open on title card for faux NBC programing ]

Don Pardo V/O: “Little Women & Big Basketball Players” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.

[ dissolve to interior, Doyle’s Tavern during a live WGN Radio remote ]

Musical Recording: “You’re never gonna see no uuuuuun-iiiii-corrrrrrrrrn!”

Dick Lankey: We’re back. That was the “Unicorn Song” by the Irish Rovers, and this is Dick Lankey, WGN Radio, we’re a Clear Channel station. And we’re on remote from Doyle’s Tavern, on the corner of North Ave. and Halstead, where the late Mayor Richard J. Daley is expected to reappear.. just like he did last St. Patrick’s Day. Uh.. congratulations has gotta go out to those DePaul Blue Demons and Coach Ray Meyer – God bless you, you know St. Patrick was looking down on you, Ray Meyer! We got somebody on the line right now – who am I speaking to, please?

Caller #1: Uh.. Pam Corinsi from Elmhurst.

Dick Lankey: You have a question.. for Mayor Richard J. Daly, Pam?

Caller #1: Uh, yeah.. I wanted to ask Mayor Daley how he would have handled our heavy snowfall problem.

Dick Lankey: Now, we have had that question, uh.. you probably didn’t hear that, somebody mentioned it before. We’re definitely gonna be asking about the snow poblem for sure. Thanks for calling! [ hangs up ] You got a question you’d like to ask Mayor Daley, here are some of the questions we’ve gotten already that people want to know: “What is it like to be dead?” Good question! “When is the war in Ireland gonna be settled, when are we gonna get peace over there?” “Are there snsets in Heaven?” Hmm.. interesting.. Call in your question! 5-5-5 1-0-1-0, that’s our number! With me is Bob Gallagher! Who, uh.. was one of the lucky people who was here when the Mayor appeared last year. Bob, do you think he’ll be back?

Bob Gallagher: Uh.. I’m, uh.. pretty sure he will be. I’ve heard reports, a lot of people claim they saw him, uh.. plain ax day walking down State Street after the parade.. Uh, I’ll bet he’ll probably be dropping by here soon. We’ve got all his favorite tunes on the jukebox.

Dick Lankey: Mmm-hmm.. Well, what do you think about the questions that we’ve got for him? Do you think he’ll mind answering a few questions?

Bob Gallagher: Ah, I don’t think so.. he was real friendly last year.

Dick Lankey: Well, would you mind telling everybody at home just exactly what happened last year?

Bob Gallagher: O-okay, uh.. my friend and me were standing right over near the bar, talking about the Mayor.. and, all of a sudden, there was this puff of green smoke, and there he was. He stood right over there next to the jukebox, and he was holding a turkey under his arm, and he left.. he left it right here. It was a 10-pound Butterball, it was delicious!

Dick Lankey: What do you think is the best question we’ve got for him so far?

Bob Gallagher: Well, personally, I like to one that wants to know if he ever met Abraham Lincoln up in Heaven. I’d like to ask him that myself!

Dick Lankey: Alright, you got a question for Mayor Daley? 5-5-5 1-0-1-0. That’s the number, we’re waiting for your calls here! come on, let’s hear from you! [ reads off trivia items while waiting for the phones to ring ] Sir Monteract III is 42 today. And on this day in 1910, the Campfire Girls of America was founded in Lake Sebago, Maine – what do ya think about that? [ a call finally comes through ] Here’s a call! Hello! Dick Lankey!

Caller #2: Dick?

Dick Lankey: That’s right – Dick Lankey, WGN! Who am I speaking with?

Caller #2: Dick, this is Jane Byrne.

Dick Lankey: Not Mayor-Elect-almost Jane Byrne, is that who?

Caller #2: That’s me, Dick! I was hoping I could be there to greet the Mayor personally, but I’m busy celebrating my second wedding anniversary.

Dick Lankey: [ chuckling ] Well, congratulations, Jane! Have you got a question for Mayor Daley?

Caller #2: Yeah. Yeah.. I-I’d like to ask him.. if I could get the Democratic Party to have the 1980 Convention here, would he promise not to show up?

Dick Lankey: Ahhhhh! [ hangs up on the caller ] Another crank call! I guess we’re gonna have to expect those. It’s really too bad it has to happen on St. Patrick’s Day. Who’s got a question for Mayor Daley? 5-5-5 1-0-1-0! Bob, you’re looking at your watch – what time have we got?

Bob Gallagher: Ah, it’s almost 10:30..

Dick Lankey: 10:30.

Bob Gallagher: That’s about the time he came here last year.

Dick Lankey: Ooh, brother..

Bob Gallagher: He walked in right through that door.

[ spiritual music pots up, as smoke clouds rise through the bar ]

Bob Gallagher: It’s him! This is it! This is it! It’s the Mayor!

[ it’s not Mayor Daley. Through the smoke, the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa appears ]

Bob Gallagher: I-it’s not the Mayor, it’s.. it’s.. Jimmy Hoffa..

Ghost of Jimmy Hoffa: I’m sorry Mayor Daley could not be here – he’s still in purgatory, and he sends his best! But there is something I.. would like to say. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:





Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 17th, 1979

Margot Kidder

The Chieftains

Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello)

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Dave Wilson

Lorne Michaels

Andy Murphy

Anne Beatts

Jim Downey

Tom Schiller

Brian Doyle-Murray

Rosie Shuster
Doyle’s TavernSummary: Dick Lankey (Bill Murray) and the WGN team perform a live St. Patrick’s Day broadcast from Doyle’s Tavern while awaiting the arrival of Richard Daley’s ghost.

Recurring Characters: Dick Lankey.

Transcript

Montage

Margot Kidder’s MonologueSummary: Margot Kidder’s monologue is interrupted by drunken camera and control work, thanks to an excess of St. Patrick’s Day inbibement by Dave Wilson and the crew.

Recurring Characters: Dick Lankey.

Transcript

The Navy AdventureSummary: It’s more than a job — it’s a small handful of money each week.

Transcript

Fred Garvin, Male ProstituteSummary: Fred Garvin (Dan Aykroyd) attempts to service a bank executive (Margot Kidder) and roger her roundly.

Transcript

The Chieftains performs “If I Had Maggie in the Woods”

St. Mickey’s Knights of ColumbusRecurring Characters: Frank Leary, Jack Neehauser, Francis Jacko Leary, Jr., Sister Serena.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) discusses how easy it is for some religious figures to be granted Sainthood. Bill Murray sings Happy Birthday to a bust of Albert Einstein. Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin deliver a Point/Counterpoint debate on Lee Marvin’s divorce settlement.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Superhero PartySummary: Newly-married, Superman (Bill Murray) and Lois Lane (Margot Kidder) invite fellow superheroes to a party. To maintain his cover, Superman leaves to get some ice, then makes a quick appearance as Clark Kent and learns about Lois’ unfaithful habit.

Recurring Characters: Superman, Lois Lane, The Incredible Hulk, The Flash.

Transcript

The Franken and Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken expresses his anger that Frankenberry cereal uses his image. Al Franken then hassles a homeless man (Tom Davis) on “Pity Thy Neighbor.”

Transcript

Men’s ProblemsSummary: A group of women pick up where the men left off last week.

Transcript

The Chieftains perform “Morning Dew”

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill hides in the closet so Mr. Hands won’t find him.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 14

78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

Women’s Problems

Steve…..Dan Aykroyd
Brad…..Bill Murray
Mike…..Garrett Morris
Craig…..Gary Busey
Vic…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Clint…..John Belushi

Steve: Good afternoon, welcome to “Women’s Problems”. I’m your host, Steve. With me today, our panel of regulars – Brad.. Mike.. and Craig. Okay, let’s get to it, come on we’ve got a lot of ground to cover..

Mike: Yeah.

Craig: Let’s get to it!

Steve: We’ve got a lot of women’s problems to discuss..

Mike: Damn straight! Damn straight!

Brad: Last time, we were talking about problems from women in careers. I’ve got a couple of things I’d like to get off of my chest.

Steve: Go ahead, man!

Brad: Any woman who wants a career, she’s got two problems – 1. her career; 2. this baby thing. I don’t care who she is, what she says – there isn’t a broad alive who doesn’t feel unfulfilled if she doesn’t have a baby.

Mike: Damn straight! Damn straight on that! Yes!

Craig: If they could just make a decision and stick to it!

Steve: There you go.

Mike: Exactly, Craig. You get tired of hearing it, man?

Brad: I think I may want a kid.. when I’m 40, late 40’s, something like that. If that happens, I’ll divorce my wife and marry a girl in her 20’s.

Mike: Right on!

Brad: I’ll take that chance. That’s life. But you’re not gonna hear me whining about it all the time.

Steve: Well, that brings up another terrible women’s problem – whining. That is a problem

[ the men argue this point between themselves ]

Mike: I think you guys are missing the point, though. you see, if a woman steps out of line, man, see, she’s asking her man to show that he cares by slapping her around a little bit!

Brad: Amen!

Mike: See? Now, if one of my women gives me trouble, I will whap her on the butt with a car antenna! ‘Til she’s says she’s sorry!

Steve: Well, uh.. it’s a different system, Mike. I mean.. sometimes a man can gain more ground by trying to understand, you know, whatever particular problems that particular broad might have.

Mike: Yeah.. yeah.. and, you know, one of the biggest problems that we haven’t touched on, is the fact that, when they get old, man, they get ugly! you don’t want to be around her any more after that!

Steve: That’s a problem. That’s a problem. Women in today’s world are faced with a lot of serious problems, you know? We can’t, of course, discuss every one of them today, but we’re gonna try to in the weeks ahead. Right now, let’s go up to the dock. We got a few guys up there with some questions. Uh, sir? You got a question?

Vic: Uh, yeah. Steve, hi, I’m Vic.

Steve: Hi, Vic.

Vic: And, uh.. I have a question about a woman’s problem, which is, uh.. apparently, none of them are able to climax. What do you do about that?

Steve: Uh.. any of you guys want to tackle Vic’s question?

Craig: I’ll tackle Vic’s question. Hello, Vic, welcome to the show. It all depends on where the hot bone is located. It’s either gonna happen or it’s not, so don’t worry, there’s nothing you can do about it!

Mike: Yeah, that’s for sure, you got it, Craig!

Craig: Nothing I can do about it! You guys over!

Steve: Okay. Does that answer your question?

Vic: Uh.. yeah. Thanks.

Steve: Look for that hot bone! Thasnks, babe! Okay, next guy. You got a question, sir?

Clint: Yeah, uh.. Steve? My name’s Clint!

Steve: Okay.

Clint: I just gotta say that you guys are the only show on TV that has the guts to openly discuss women’s problems, and I think that’s great for a lot of guys.

Steve: Alright!

[ the men applaud themselves ]

Steve: Well, thanks a lot. You know, we’re trying the best we can, Clint.

Brad: Yeah, that’s right.

Clint: My question is: what part of a woman’s body do you like the best?

Steve: Okay, that’s easy for me. I go for a woman’s breasts. I’m a breast man. What about you, Brad?

Brad: Yeah, put me down for big breasts.

Steve: Craig?

Craig: Breasts. Humonogous breasts!

Steve: Okay, Mike?

Mike: Uhh.. I like the women with a big butt. Uh.. you know, something you can hold onto and hit with a car antenna.

Steve: Alright, fair enough. Guys, this is not strictly a woman’s problem, and I hope we can talk about it a little bit today.. I’d like to talk a bit about which TV actresses we’d like to sleep with.

The Guys: Adrienne Barbieau!!

Craig: Wonder Woman!

The Guys: Adrienne Barbieau!!

Craig: Wonder Woman!

Steve: Okay.. I thihk we’re out of time now, so from all of us at “Women’s Problems”, take care. Remember, maybe, if we all work together, someday there won’t be a need for a show like this. We’ll see you next week!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 14

78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Voice of Mrs. Ed … Laraine Newman

[Jane Curtin sits alone at the Update desk, thetrademark spinning globe on the Chroma-Key screenbehind her.]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the WeekendUpdate news team. Brought to you by Chairman Meow, theChinese food for cats. [The globe dissolves to agraphic of a chinese cat, a supper dish withchopsticks and the text: CHAIRMAN MEOW. A grinningBill Murray rushes onto the set, sits, and is handedhis microphone which he clips to his necktie. Muchapplause for his last second arrival.] Here areanchorpersons Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Our topstory tonight:

[Photo of Jimmy Carter] President Carter has arrivedin Jerusalem for the final phase of his Mideast peacemission. Reportedly, Carter’s image maker, GeraldRafshoon, stated tonight, quote, “This is theprecarious culmination of months of dedicated effort,moderating, refereeing, compromising, coddling,proposing, traveling, sometimes anguished and oftenheartbreaking but always hopeful work. If this doesn’tget this cracker clown re-elected, I don’t know whatthe hell will.” End quote.

The Israeli National Radio reports that an Arab coupleon the West Bank named their newborn baby “Carter” inhonor of the president’s visit. [Photo of Gerald Ford]The report added that when former president Fordvisited Israel last month, a young woman in Tel Avivhad a false pregnancy and named it “Jerry.”

[Image of a planet surrounded by a Saturn-like ring]The Voyager I spacecraft has sent back photographsshowing that the planet Jupiter is surrounded by aring, a fact not heretofore known. NASA scientistswere astounded and went to work trying to come up witha theory explaining the phenomenon. Today, afterpainstaking analysis and evaluation of the data, aNASA spokesman reports that God was playing with abasketball and it got stuck in the hoop. More on thatgame as it develops.

[Photo of an adorable baby seal] Hunting season openedtoday in Canada and hunters were out in force on theice, smashing the heads of the cute, fluffy, whitebaby harp seals, staining the snow with blood andfilling the air with the screams of the little animalsand their mothers. This story is marred by a sad note.Several of the seal hunters slipped on the ice andsuffered fractures and frostbite. Get well soon,fellas.

Bill?

Bill Murray: [Graphic with the following text: NewsPoll – URINE 71% – YEMEN 9%] An NBC news poll showsthat almost eight times as many Americans know that ifyou put a sleeping person’s hand in lukewarm water hewill wet his bed as know which side we’re on in theNorth Yemen-South Yemen conflict.

An interesting note: last week, we inadvertantlymisspelled “Philadelphia” on this clock [gestures tothe clock directly behind him labeled: PHILADELPIA]and somehow we didn’t realize it — but a hundred andsixty people from Philly did and called in to complainabout it. Well, to you hundred and sixty callers, wejust wanted you to know that over twelve thousandpeople from your city called to say that they likedthe new spelling better than the old one, so nice tohave you with us, all you people from “Philadelpia.”

Bill Murray: [pulls earrings out of his pocket] Oh, Jane, by theway, you left these earrings in my apartment.

Jane Curtin: Oh.

Bill Murray: [hands earrings to Jane who pockets them]Under the pillow. Laraine found them. [Jane doesn’tlook too happy to hear that]

Jane Curtin: Well, the mudslinging has already begunfor the 1980 presidential election. In an a article inthe Manchester, New Hampshire Union-Leader, [Photo ofPhilip Crane] Republican presidential candidate PhilipCrane is portrayed as a promiscuous ladies man whosegoal is to have sex with one thousand women. An angryCrane called the story a malicious lie planted by acampaign worker for Ronald Reagan. [Photo of RonaldReagan] Meanwhile, Weekend Update has discovered froman unreliable source that Reagan has had sex with overone thousand men.

[Image of newspaper headline: U.S. Judge Bars Use ofan Article On the H-Bomb – Issues Temporary Order inFirst Amendment Case] In Milwaukee, federal judgeRobert Warren issued a restraining order to keepProgressive magazine from publishing the secrets ofthe H-bomb in its April issue. Judge Warren said, “Iwant to think a long, hard time before I give ahydrogen bomb to Idi Amin.” [Photo of dictator IdiAmin] Meanwhile, as Tanzanian troops marched on hiscapital in Uganda, Idi Amin renewed his subscriptionto The Progressive and hoped for the best.

Using strong language, toting ten gallon hats andsmoking cigars, a group of free-wheeling moles went ona rampage after a Memphis screening of “The Warriors.”They terrorized a school bus, danced the hula, andmade fun of a crossing guard at a local elementaryschool. There were no arrests.

Bill?

[On the Chroma-Key screen behind Bill Murray, we see aphoto of actor Alan Young and the horse that starredin the TV sitcom “Mr. Ed” over which a superimposedtext reads: 1946-1979.]

Bill Murray: Tragedy in the world of show businessthis week when Mr. Ed, TV’s talking horse, died at theage of thirty-three. The talented horse was one of thefew stars who successfully made the transition fromsilent movies to talkies. In accordance with hiswishes, Mr. Ed’s tombstone will bear the simplelegend: “Mr. Dead.” [The photo dissolves to a graphicreading: Bill Murray’s CELEBRITY CORNER] You know, Ijust couldn’t dismiss a story like this so easily. Mr.Ed was a big part of my childhood so, in a finaltribute, I’ve contacted his grieving widow and she hasagreed to appear on Celebrity Corner. [Murray turns tothe Chroma-Key screen expecting to see the horse butnothing happens] Mrs. Ed? [Murray realizes that Mrs.Ed isn’t going to show up, turns to the camera, andbegins stalling for time, much to the audience’samusement] You know, we kid, we do a lot of kiddingabout the animal kingdom, quite a bit of kidding aboutthe animal kingdom but, you know, if it weren’t forthose people with four legs, how would some of us lessfortunate with two– [Finally, Mrs. Ed, a large whitehorse wearing a black veil, appears on the screen] Ah!Mrs. Ed? Hello. I’m so sorry that we had to meet underthese circumstances. [The spooked horse shies awayfrom the lights and its handler struggles to keep itfacing the camera – instead, we get a view of itslarge rear end] What– what can I say, except, I knowhow you feel. I know how you feel. What can I say? I’msorry. That’s all you can expect me to say. I’m very–

[By now, the handler has maneuvered the horse intofacing the camera but struggles throughout the rest ofthe interview to maintain this position.]

Mrs. Ed: [sounding exactly like a female Mr. Ed]Weeeell, thank you, William!

Bill Murray: Be brave, Mrs. Ed. You know that the hearts of all Americans are with you. I hope you know that.

Mrs. Ed: I know that, Bill! The phone hasn’t stopped ringing.

Bill Murray: You had one of the more successful show business marriages, thirty years, Mrs. Ed. How did you do it?

Mrs. Ed: We loved each other, Bill. Ed was supportive,considerate and caring. And, incidentally, he wasgreat in the hay. [neighs happily] A little horsejoke, William.

Bill Murray: Ha ha! Stud, was he? I got that. I seewhere he got his sense of humor, too. I guess Ed’slast days must have been very hard on you, huh?

Mrs. Ed: No. Ed– [The horse tries to walk off.] Waita minute, where am I going?! [The handler leads thehorse in a circle to face the camera again.]

Bill Murray: It’s – it’s – it’s the one with the redlight on, Mrs. Ed.

Mrs. Ed: Thank you, William! William, Ed made it easyfor me. He knew he was dying. He accepted itphilosophically. With his last breath, Ed just lookedat me and sighed: “A corpse is a corpse, of course, ofcourse.”

[Much applause as we dissolve back to the “BillMurray’s CELEBRITY CORNER” graphic and a tearfulMurray wipes his eyes and addresses the camera:]

Bill Murray: Sweet, sweet, sweet lady, huh? Let memention to our viewers that the Ed family hasrequested that in lieu of flowers, well-wishers shouldsend a donation to the American Hardening of theFetlocks Association in Galveston, Texas. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [cracking up] That’s the news. Good nightand have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 14

78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

Goodnights

…..Gary Busey

Gary Busey: We gotta go! We had a good time! [ he pours Perrier water over his head and runs to join the crowd behind him ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 14

78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

The Carters In Israel

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Miss Lillian Carter…..Gilda Radner
Billy Carter…..Gary Busey
Walter Cronkite…..Bill Murray
Menachan Begin…..John Belushi
Anwar Sadat…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, Carter bedroom, White House ]

[ Miss Lillian Carter enters the room as Jimmy and Rosalyn pack their suitcases ]

Lillian Carter: Yoo-hoo! Am I interrupting anything interesting?

President Jimmy Carter: Come on in, Mama.

Rosalyn Carter: Hello, Lillian.

Lillian Carter: Oh, Rosalyn, sweetheart.. would you mind putting the chicken in the plastic bags, and start shaking? I’ll be down in a minute.

Rosalyn Carter: Okay, Lillian. Now, Jimmy.. it’s a long flight to the Mid-East, and you’ll be sitting a long time. Those seats on Air Force One have a tendancy to wobble. Well, I would just like you to be prepared, if you know what I mean.

President Jimmy Carter: Rosalyn, it’s alright, don’t worry about it, I’m prepared. [ opens suitcase to reveal multiple packages of Preparation H cream ]

[ Rosalyn exits bedroom ]

Lillian Carter: Jimmy.. Jimmy.. I’ve come to talk to you about your brother.

President Jimmy Carter: Oh, Mama. Let’s not talk about Billy now.

Lillian Carter: Ohhh.. Jimmy, you’ve gotta remember that it hasn’t been easy for Billy. You were the oldest and the favorite – you got the wagon, he got the cardboard box; you got the bicycle, he got the cardboard box; you got the brains, he got the cardboard box.

President Jimmy Carter: So?

Lillian Carter: Well.. Billy thinks the world of you. I mean, when you come on television, he gets all excited and he points at the screen – he knows you’re the President! That’s all he talks about!

President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama, get to the point.

Lillian Carter: Well.. all week long, Billy has been hinting about how he’d like to go with you on your trip to Israel and Egypt.

President Jimmy Carter: [ alarmed ] What?! The Middle East! Oh no, Mama.. I can’t! Not the Middle East! That area’s a tender box, a powder keg! I-I-I can’t take him there!

Lillian Carter: Oh, Jimmy, stop being so melodramatic!

President Jimmy Carter: Mama, look.. I promise, I’ll make it up to him in another way! I’ll take him to the Salt talks! Or, uh.. he can represent me at the Governor’s Conference! But not Israel, Mama.. not the Middle east. Besides, he’d be bored stiff in Israel. I’m gonna be at meetings all day..

Lillian Carter: Well, take him to the meetings with ya’! Besides, maybe, uh.. Sadat or Begin have a.. a.. younger brother he can go along with, and be with.

President Jimmy Carter: Awww.. please, Mama? Please, don’t make me do this. Please. Don’t be angry at me, Mama.

Lillian Carter: No, Jimmy, I won’t be angry.. just disappointed.

President Jimmy Carter: [ fuming ] Alright, Mama.. alright, Mama, I’ll do it.

Lillian Carter: Oh, I knew you would, Jimmy! And that’s why I phoned the Naval hospital, where Billy’s been drying out.. and I went and got him, and I flew him in here.. I took him to the airport – he just loved all the jets, and the escalators – had the best time – and he’s here now, he’s out in the hall.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay.. call him in..

Lillian Carter: Billy! Bil-ly! Oh, that boy.. [ pulls a beer can out of her purse and pops it open to lure Billy into the room ]

Billy Carter: [ runs in ] Mama!

Lillian Carter: Now, Billy, the doctors told you no alcohol at all! You’re not allowed to have any alcohol! Now, Billy..

Billy Carter: N-n-not even.. not even beer?

Lillian Carter: Nope, not even beer! No alcohol! No drinking at all, Billy. Niw, look, Billy.. Billy! Billy, now, isn’t there something that you had to say to your brother Billy?

Billy Carter: Uh-uh-uh.. uh-uh.. yes, ma’am, there was.. uh.. Jimmy, uh.. [ laughs ] ..I.. uh.. if I-I-I embarrassed you f-f-for something I said, or.. or.. someplace I whizzed.. I want to apologize..

President Jimmy Carter: It’s okay, Billy. I realize you’re doing your best..

Billy Carter: I-I-I-I am..

Lillian Carter: Now, Jimmy? Isn’t there something you want to say to yor brother?

President Jimmy Carter: [ sighs ] Well, alright.. Billy, would you like to go the Middle East with me?

Billy Carter: Uh.. uh.. the Middle East..? Oh. I.. me.. y-yes! I would. [ laughs ]

President Jimmy Carter: You have to keep your mouth shut and behave yourself! The eyes of the world are gonna be upon us.

Billy Carter: I will.. I will, I promise.. I’ll do my best! [ laughs ]

Lillian Carter: [ elated ] Oh, it makes my wrinkled face glow, just to see the two of you together again! My boys!

[ dissolve to Walter Cronkite, standing at exterior ]

Walter Cronkite: This is Walter Cronkite, reporting from Jerusalem. It’s been an eventful three days, since President Carter arrived in Cairo Wednesday night. Tonight, the president landed in Jerusalem, where he’s met by Prime Minister Begin, who took the presidential party on a tour of the Holy City. Security precautions have been especially heavy, in light of the unexpected presence of the President’s brother Billy. Of the tight security, particularly the heavy plastic tarp covering the Wailing Wall, proved unnecessary. Finally, late tonight, we receive word that president Sadat has joined President Carter and Prime Minister Begin, at a formal state dinner, and there is speculation that we may soon have a historic peace treaty.

[ dissolve to state dinner ]

Menachan Begin: First, my good friend Anwar, who has brought his beautiful wife, Jehan.

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

Anwar Sadat: Evening. Evening. Thank you, my friend, Menachan, and my friend Billy Carter. I would like to propose the Nobel Peace Prize.

Menachan Begin: Thank you, Anwar, thank you. And now, I’d like to hand the floor over to my good friend, Jimmy Carter!

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you, Menachin. Before I make a toast to the peace we have achieved today, I’d like to apologize to you, Anwar, for the mishap with the dessert involving my brother Billy. And I can assure you that the United States government will pay for the cost of cleaning your suit. In the meantime, I suggest you soak it in cold water, and I assure you that when you get back, it will be as good as new. Now for the peace we have won today. Let us toast courage, of Prime Minister Begin, President Sadat and myself.

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

Menachan Begin: Thank you, Jimmy. And now, I would like to propose a toast of my on. To this prayer for peace. A spirit that nothing can damn it. Not even the presence of, uh.. President Carter’s brother William.

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

Menachan Begin: Even in my own family, we have a character such as William. My brother-in-law, Ephram. [ turns to his wife ] Forgive me, sweetheart. The Jewish people have a term for such a person. He is called.. putz! So let’s enjoy ourselves celebrating peace! Shalom!

[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Does TV Have Enough Cheryls?” ]

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Gary Busey: 03/10/79 ]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 10th, 1979

Gary Busey

Eubie Blake

Gregory Hines

None

Rick Danko

Paul Butterfield

Rosie Shuster

Jim Downey

Alan Zweibel

Brian Doyle-Murray

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Paul Shaffer

BackstageSummary: John Belushi expresses his sore feelings about Gary Busey receiving an Oscar nomination for “The Buddy Holly Story”.

Montage

Gary Busey’s MonologueSummary: Gary Busey uses his body as a set of drums.

The Carters In IsraelSummary: Lillian Carter (Gilda Radner) forces President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) to bring his beer-guzzling brother Billy (Gary Busey) with him on a trip to Israel.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalyn Carter, Lillian Carter.

Transcript

Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines perform “Low Down Blues”, “I’m Just Simply Full Of Jazz”, & “I’m Just Wild About Harry”

Women’s ProblemsSummary: A panel of chauvinist men give their biased opinions of women.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray interviews Mr. Ed’s grief-stricken widow, who is unable to keep herself still in the outer halls of Studio 8H.

Transcript

Unsung Heroes Of Rock ‘N RollSummary: While performing at a sock hop, rock ‘n rollers Sonny Dacey (Gary Busey) and the Firecrackers try to liven things up despite opposition from the uptight principal (Dan Aykroyd) and clueless school teacher (Jane Curtin).

Schiller’s ReelSummary: In “Perchance to Dream”, Honker (Bill Murray) dreams of performing Shakespeare.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

Slop JockeySummary: A slop jockey (Gary Busey) comes to southern family’s home to jump in their cesspool.

Gary Busey, with Rick Danko & Paul Butterfield, performs “Stay All Night”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13

78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Mr. Bill Shapes Up

Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(The curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill with a big stomach and a messy mouth and hands and the set is covered with junk food.)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh boy are we gonna have fun today. Because were all gonna eat some snacks, Yay! Oh we’ve got pies and cakes and candy bars and potato chips. Oh I sure hope we have enough.

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill maybe you shouldn’t. Because you’re getting a little chubby.

Mr. Bill: Oh really?

Mr. Hands: Sure and so is Spot. (Mr Hands takes a donut revealing Spot who also looks chubby.)

Mr. Bill: Oh Mr. Hands but you know we’ve been trying to cut down on our sweets.)

Mr. Hands: (Takes away a lemon meringue pie and places a scale on the set) Well the best way to control your weight is to check it every day on this scale.

Mr. Bill: Oh but you know I don’t like weighing myself I’m a little scared.

Mr. Hands: (Places Mr. Bill on the scale) Oh come on. Hop up on

Mr. Bill: Ok. Ahhhhhh Let’s see.

Mr. Hands: Now lets see how much you…(Place his hand on the scale which tops out at 190)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Gee a hundred and ninety pounds!

Mr. Bill: Oh Mr. Hands can you take me to a health spa quick?

Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo into shape) But you know we can’t afford that.

Mr. Bill: Well how do you keep in such great shape huh?

Mr. Hands: I exercise every day here at home with Sluggo LaLaine! (Sluggo appears holding a mini barbell in his hand)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! He’s gonna be mean!

Mr. Hands: No he just wants to help you shape up.

Mr. Bill: He just wants to be mean.

Mr. Hands: Now first he wants us to pass the medicine ball around.

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Here Spot! (Drops the ball right on spot flattening him.)

Mr. Bill: No no wait no Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: There he’s looking thinner already.

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Now Mr. Bill we’re going to jump rope. So jump high (Swinging a jump rope.)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t jump! (Mr. Hands takes the rope and pulls Mr. Bill down seperating his feet.) Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh we knocked you off your feet.

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Come on!

Mr. Hands: Next Sluggo LaLaine says to sooth those tight muscles with a good rubdown (Starts slapping Mr. Bill in the stomach and the last chop is a hard one.)

Mr. Bill: No no wait stop no Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Next he says to build those arm muscles by lifting weights (Holds a huge barbell for Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t hold it! (Mr. Hands drops the barbell right on Mr. Bill’s chin so he can’t breath but Mr. Hands lifts it up.)

Mr. Hands: There’s a load off your chest. Now we’re going to shrink that stomach by doing ten situps.

Mr. Bill: No but you know my back can’t bend.

Mr. Hands: I’ll hold your ankles. (Pulls Mr. Bill up breaking Mr. Bill’s back in the process)

Mr. Bill: Ooh Ooh ow stop Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: And now for those shoulders. Sluggo says to stetch this spring. (A heavy spring that you pull back.)

Mr. Bill: No but I can’t hold it!

Mr. Hands: He says do it ten times.

Mr. Bill: No I can’t I can’t no! (Mr. Hands lets go of the spring and Mr. Bill is sent flying into a brick wall flattening him.)

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill you’re slimming up already!

Mr. Bill: Oh no stop! Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Now we’ll melt off the rest of those excess pounds in the steam box. (Place Mr. Bill in it)

Mr. Bill: But I don’t like the steam box leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: But it also opens up the pores.

Mr. Bill: I don’t like losing weight no!

Mr. Hands: Are you ready? (turns on the steam box and it gets so hot that Mr. Bill’s face melts.)

Mr. Bill: No ohhhhhhhh! Too hot! Too hot! Noooooo! Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh why why! (Mr. Hands turns it off.)

Mr. Hands: Now lets check the results. (Opens up the box to reveal Mr. Bill is now wirey thin with a melted face.)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill how do you like your new physique?

Mr. Bill: I don’t like it! I don’t like it! Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: After a rough workout like that we need to cool off with a refreshing shower. (Places Mr. Bill in the shower)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t take a shower Mr. Hands! (Mr. Hands turns on the shower and aims it at Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill is eventually washed away down the drain.) Oh stop it! Oh no! Oh nooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: So until next week kids. Mr. Bill says So long! See you next time! Bye bye!

THE END

Submitted by: Nick

SNL Transcripts