Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13

78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Goodnights

…..Kate Jackson

Kate Jackson: Good night, everybody! Andrew, I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13

78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Fred Silverman III

Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris
…..Kate Jackson

[HOLD on Silverman and Garrett standing side by side just offstage and nodding at Andy Kaufman passing by them.]

Garrett: [shakes head] Like, I, I, I, I don’t know, Mr. Silverman. “Super Limo”? Like, like, what’s it about, uhhhh…

Freddy: Well, we’re pretty happy with it, Garrett, uh… [rubs his hands together] “Super Limo.” It’s a, it’s a BIG limousine, so big it takes up two sides of the highway.

Garrett: Oh, well, I, I, I don’t know, man…

Freddy: You’re the DRIVER. Every week, you drive three celebrities around Hollywood. And they entertain you because they LOVE you!

Garrett: What kind of celebrities?

Freddy: Who’s ever HOT. One week it might be Steve Lawrence, Don Meredith, Charles Nelson Reilly… Another week it could be Arte Johnson, Ruth Buzzi, JoAnne Worley… you know? A THEME show.

Garrett: Uh, yeah, let me, I, I, I’ll think it over.

Freddy: [puts a hand around Garrett’s neck] Really, Garrett. [quietly] This is a HOT idea.

Garrett: Yeah.

Freddy: [puts hand over his heart] I give you my word as a television executive.

Garrett: [clasps Freddy’s hand] Well, uh, thank you, Mr. Silverman, thank you. I’ve got to be going. [walks past him]

Freddy: I’ll call you.

Garrett: [off camera] Yeah, I’ll check you out, man.

[Freddy straightens his suit for a second, and then Kate Jackson appears to his left.]

Kate: Hey, Freddy.

Freddy: Kate, how’s it going?

Kate: Well, you know, it’s not going too bad.

Freddy: Did you talk to Laraine about the, uh, “Mrs. Kojak”?

Kate: Yeah, won’t shave her head.

Freddy: [frustrated] Yeah, well, Gilda will do it.

Kate: Uh, Freddy, I think I’d better level with you. Um… I like these people, I’m having a lot of fun working with them, and uh… well, you know, they’re like people you can admire, and they’re dedicated to an ideal of artistic freedom, and when I see the way they work, and the sacrifices they make, well, I feel ashamed, you know? They don’t have big houses with swimming pools and tennis courts, and they don’t have fancy apartments, and big, big limos, and cooks.

Freddy: Really?

Kate: No!

Freddy: Not even John Belushi?

Kate: Oh, JOHN does.

[laughter and applause]

Kate: If you could see the dedication of the others! I mean, you know, Freddy, they do this for NOTHING, ‘cause they wanna make America laugh!

Freddy: [scoffing] Mm-hmm.

Kate: Really, now, after spending this time with them, I just… well, I don’t think I can betray them, I really don’t, and, uh… [works up her courage] And furthermore, Freddy, I can’t go back to “Charlie’s Angels,” I can’t go back to prime time, I’ve got to do something NEW, and something BOLD, and–

[Freddy slaps her across the face.]

Freddy: [points at her] Don’t you EVER say that about prime time again!

[subdued laughter]

Kate: Thank you, Freddy, you know… [puts a hand around his neck] You know, for a minute, I really lost control there, didn’t I! [She lingers a moment and then turns to go.]

Freddy: Kate!

Kate: I–

[She stops in mid-motion.]

Freddy: [staring into space] Wait a minute.

Kate: What?

Freddy: [passionately] Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’M the one… who lost his head. [presses a fist against his mouth] Something you said got me thinking. You said something about artistic freedom. Perhaps that’s important. Perhaps there’s a, a place in commercial television for QUALITY, for, for intelligently conceived, well acted, INVENTIVE programming! Programs that aren’t written for the lowest common denominator! [clenches fist] And NBC could lead the WAY! NBC could be the NETWORK that puts these programs on the air!

[They stare at each other for a moment.]

Freddy and Kate: [in unison] Naaaaaaaaah.

[The band starts to play as the audience applauds and the two talk inaudibly. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13

78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Fred Silverman II

Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
Paul Gross…..Bill Murray
Voice of Receptionist…..Laraine Newman
…..Kate Jackson
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd

[FADE IN on Freddy and Paul standing in front of a board which displays NBC’s prime-time schedule for the coming fall.]

Paul: [taps board] Well… here’s the new schedule, just like you dictated it, Freddy.

Freddy: I like it! I like it very much.

Paul: I wanna say… a few members of the board were a little bit, uh… disturbed. [chuckles nervously] Surprised, I guess. Irv Goodman said, if he didn’t know better, he’d say you were trying to sabotage the network.

[Paul laughs awkwardly again. Freddy suavely straightens his tie.]

Freddy: Well, that’s why Irv’s in finance, and, uh, we’re in programming, Paul. [claps his shoulder]

Paul: Well, I must say that I share some of Irv’s… apprehension about it. If you’d let me play Nielsen’s advocate for a second… Uh, now, putting the “Today” show at eight o’clock at night, you know, that’s a little confusing, you know? The “Today” show made its reputation on being a morning show.

Freddy: But the “Today” show is one of our biggest shows. We NEED it in prime time. [taps board with finger]

Paul: Okay. But why did we hang on to “Little Women”? It was dead last in the ratings.

Freddy: Paul, let me give you a little lesson in creative programming. Y’know… uh, this thing that’s going on between the United States and Red China. It’s very important, you know that?

Paul: What’s it got to do with TV programming?

Freddy: “Little Women” is on nobody’s mind. But China is on everybody’s mind. So, next season, uh, we make “Little Women” into… “Little Chinese Women.”

[He stoops and holds out his hand to indicate a short person.]

Paul: [uncertainly] Well, I guess you know what you’re doing. Uh… all the NBC News contracts have been signed. Effective March 1st, David Brinkley will be replaced by Rip Taylor. [laughter] I just hope we don’t lose our credibility!

Freddy: Let’s leave credibility to Walter Cronkite and his core of holier-than-thou serious news journalists. He makes me wanna vomit!

Paul: Well, I don’t know, I don’t think Cronkite’s so bad, but… you’re the boss, Freddy!

[intercom on desk buzzes]

Freddy: Yeah?

Receptionist: Kate Jackson to see you, Mr. Silverman.

Freddy: Oh, send her right in.

Paul: Kate Jackson. She’s the smart one, isn’t she?

Freddy: Right, yeah.

Paul: [reaches toward desk] Well, I’ll get these contracts countersigned.

[Paul picks up the folder and steps toward the door. He opens it exactly as Kate turns the knob and walks in.]

Kate: Oh! Excuse me.

Paul: Oh, hi, er…

Kate: Hi.

Paul: Paul Gross. [shakes her hand] Nice to meet you.

Kate: Nice to meet you.

Paul: Say, how are things working out with that Saturday night group of crazies?

Kate: Oh, it seems to be going pretty well.

Paul: Boy, that’s a wigged-out bunch, y’know that, I don’t know whether they’re kidding me or what. [laughs]

Kate: Nice to meet you.

Paul: Nice meeting you, too. [starts to leave]

Kate: Bye-bye.

[She watches Paul exit and then steps over to Freddy.]

Freddy: [in a hushed voice] Kate, how’s everything going?

Kate: I don’t know, Freddy, it’s a little early to tell. Now, I talked to Gilda about, uh, your proposal for “Hello, Radner.”

Freddy: Good. Did you talk to, uh, Jane about “Mrs. Kojak”?

Kate: No, no I, look, could you just, could you just, uh, I don’t think she’s going to shave her head!

[laughter]

Freddy: Well, ask Laraine.

Kate: All right, now, look. [checks watch] I’ve gotta get back down there because I’m in another sketch right now, okay?

Freddy: Okay. See you later.

Kate: [pats his shoulder] See you later, Freddy.

[Kate dashes away. The intercom buzzes a moment later.]

Freddy: Yeah?

Receptionist: Paul’s on the line with the scrap iron people. They made an offer for the Supertrain.

[Audience laughs while Freddy sits down behind his desk and picks up the phone. A row of video monitors behind him displays the still shot of Kate Jackson seen in the previous commercial bumper.]

Freddy: Yeah, Paul. [pause] They’ll give us fifty dollars a ton? So let’s see, that’s… twenty-two hundred dollars. Which makes a… 11-million-dollar loss. Give or take a couple thousand. [sits back] What do you MEAN, they don’t want the caboose? That’s the best part! [pause] I know, I know! Listen, I got an idea. See if the caboose can float. I mean it! Maybe somebody could… No, wait. I got it. We’ll make it a series. “Caboose Cruise.” Every week it goes somewhere else. YES, I’m serious! [pause] We can give it to McLean. We’ll call it… “Ahoy, Larry.”

[intercom buzzes]

Freddy: Excuse me, Paul. [into intercom] Yeah?

Receptionist: Tom Snyder here to see you, Mr. Silverman.

[The audience bursts into applause.]

Freddy: [frantically] Tell him I’m not here! I’m NOT HERE! Does he know I’m in? I–

[He bites off his words as Tom walks in with a cream-colored leisure jacket, slicked-down hair, and a cigarette in his right hand.]

Tom: [over applause] Freddy? I know you’re a busy man, and I, I know you got good reasons why you haven’t returned my calls, whatever. We’re all busy, right–there are people whose calls I don’t return. Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [applause] Freddy, I understand through my stage manager, Shelly Schwartz, that you’re moving me to 10:00 p.m. Friday night! [extends his arms]

Freddy: That’s right, uh, it’s to get a bigger share of the audience. You’ll be premiering after a special two-hour “Hello, Larry.”

Tom: Freddy? You’ve done it again, sir. What can I say, sir? I take off my hat to ya, if I were wearing a hat, I’d take it off, I’d give it to ya. I’m sorry I go barging in like this–I’ll be seeing ya at… nine o’–ten o’clock Friday, nine o’clock Central time. [backs up to leave] From all of us on the prime-time shift, good night, sir, thanks a lot, and, I’ll, I love ya, and I’m not gonna do ya wrong!

[Tom exits to cheers and applause. Freddy rubs his forehead for a second and swivels around in his chair. The video monitors behind him display a waiting room set.]

Freddy: [into phone] Listen, Larry! Larry, I’m sorry, listen, I’ve gotta hang up. “Saturday Night Live” is coming on the screen. Uhh… uh, I haven’t seen the opening yet. I missed it. Here…

[ZOOM IN on the monitors as Freddy turns to watch.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13

78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Fred Silverman I

…..Kate Jackson
Cheryl Ladd…..Jane Curtin
Jaclyn Smith…..Gilda Radner
Voice of Charlie…..Bill Murray
Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
David Doyle…..Dan Aykroyd

[FADE IN on a mock-up of Bosley’s office from “Charlie’s Angels.” Fred Silverman is sitting at the desk, while the Angels stand in the background and talk softly among themselves.]

Charlie: [on speakerphone] Frenchie? Frenchie, put that, uh, drink down in the other room, I’ve got an important phone call to make here. Hello, Angels!

Angels: [in unison] Hi, Charlie!

Charlie: You all remember Freddy Silverman?

[CUT to Silverman leaning on his desktop in a navy blue three-piece suit.]

Freddy: [rasps his voice] Sure, the Angels and I are old friends.

Kate: Sorry you’re doing so badly over at NBC, Freddy.

Cheryl: [tosses head around] I hope you’re not taking all the blame.

Charlie: Well, perhaps Freddy DESERVES the blame, or should I say, credit.

Jaclyn: Well, what do you mean, Charlie?

Charlie: Well, Jaclyn, why don’t you let Freddy explain?

Freddy: You see… I’m not really working for NBC.

Kate: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re the president of the network!

Freddy: Right, Kate. But I never stopped working for ABC. [laughter] Fact is… I’m ABC’s Head of Covert Operations.

David: [standing behind Freddy] You see, girls: Freddy is a double agent.

Kate: So, in other words, Freddy is purposely sabotaging NBC’s schedule to help ABC!

Charlie: Exactly, Kate.

Cheryl: [tosses head around] So that explains “Hello, Larry”!

[laughter and applause]

Freddy: That’s right, Cheryl. You see… the plan is for me to destroy NBC by June.

Charlie: And to do that, Freddy’s gonna need your help, Angels.

Jaclyn: [grinning] We’ll do anything for Freddy.

Kate: Yeah, but how can we destroy NBC’s ratings?

Charlie: Okay, girls. Here are your instructions. Cheryl? [ZOOM IN on Cheryl] You’re going on NBC, and you’re going to sing.

[laughter]

Freddy: You will appear on “The Tonight Show,” “The Midnight Special,” “Tomorrow” show, “Rock Concert,” “Today,” segment three of the “Nightly News.” Don’t worry about the bookings, ahh, we’ll take care of that… Just go out there and sing your heart out.

Cheryl: [tosses head around] All right, Freddy!

Charlie: Jaclyn? [ZOOM in on Jaclyn] Next month, you’ll be appearing on a “Network Challenge of the Sexes.” But this one will be a little bit different. Freddy?

Freddy: In the Quickest Draw Competition, you’re paired against Johnny Carson. Only your gun… is loaded with real bullets.

Jaclyn: So I eliminate Johnny Carson.

David: And that finishes “The Tonight Show.” But suppose NBC comes up with an even more popular host?

Freddy: Don’t worry about that. We’ve already picked Johnny’s new replacement. McLean Stevenson.

[He slaps the desktop as the girls all moan and squirm and the audience laughs. A silent pause goes by.]

Charlie: Uh, David? There’s one thing that you can do.

David: Yes?

Charlie: We think that Tom Bosley of “Happy Days” may try to hold out for more money. We want you to be available for minor cosmetic surgery in case we need you to fill in for him.

David: That’s it! Okay, I’m, I’m game, sure!

Kate: Okay, so let’s see, Cheryl sings, uh, Jaclyn kills Johnny, David goes under the knife, but, uh, what do you want ME to do, Charlie?

Charlie: Kate? We have a special assignment for you. Are you familiar with NBC’s “Saturday Night Live”?

Kate: Uh, I used to watch it, but it went downhill after Chevy Chase left.

Cheryl: Oh, yeah.

Jaclyn: Yeah.

Charlie: Well, Freddy would like you to host.

Freddy: You see, Kate: we need, uh, to get one of you people inside that show. We picked you, because… you’re the smart one.

Cheryl: What?

Jaclyn: Wait a minute.

Kate: Okay, look, look. Thank you, Freddy, uh, but why, uh, “Saturday Night Live”?

Freddy: Well, their cast represents some of NBC’s best talent… [laughter] Uh, it’s… it’s the only show they’ve got left. We could scull it by getting the cast to leave, uh, late night for some abysmal prime-time projects.

Kate: Like what?

Freddy: Like, well, “Hello, Laraine,” “Hello, Aykroyd,” “Hello, Belushi”…

Kate: Okay, all right, great, great, great, but I still don’t understand where do I fit in, then?

Freddy: I want you to front for me. Get their confidence, and then introduce them to your new friend Freddy. [points to himself]

Kate: [sighs] Well, Charlie, I think I can handle it, it seems simple enough. Uh, where is it taped?

Freddy: [quizzically] Ohh! It’s taped– [turns to camera] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 24th, 1979

Kate Jackson

Delbert McClinton

Andy Kaufman

None

None

Fred Silverman ISummary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi) calls the Charlie’s Angels – Jaclyn Smith (Gilda Radner), Cheryl Tiegs (Jane Curtin), Kate Jackson – into his office. He explains that he’s working undercover for ABC to destroy NBC. As part of his plan, he’s arranged for Kate Jackson to host “Saturday Night Live.”

Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman.

Transcript

Montage

Kate Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Former NBC Tour Guide Kate Jackson endures a live tour while delivering her monologue.

Bio: Kate Jackson (1948-) eventually left “Charlie’s Angels” after scheduling conflicts prevented her from accepting the female lead in “Kramer vs. Kramer.”

The NerdsSummary: While having her period, Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) is dismayed when Todd (Bill Murray) becomes smitten with Mrs. Loopner’s (Jane Curtin) nurse, Michelle (Kate Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner.

Fred Silverman IISummary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi) continues to botch NBC’s schedule by figmenting “Hello, Gilda” and attempting to salvage his losses for “Supertrain.”

Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman, Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Child PsychiatristSummary: A squeaky-voiced 5-year-old psychiatrist (Laraine Newman) helps autistic Colleen (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Colleen.

Delbert McClinton performs “B Movie Boxcar Blues”Bio: It took harmonica stylist Delbert McClinton (1940-) almost two decades to be recognized as a solo artist. His harmonica playing can be heard on the 1962 Bruce Channel Hit, “Hey! Baby.”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) gives the Vatican weather report and talks about a UFO he spotted. Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) rambles from the King Tut exhibit to tongues.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman yodels while drummers bang bongos.

Fred Silverman IIISummary: Fred Silverman tries to sell Garrett Morris on a pitch for “Super Limo.” Kate Jackson feels bad about betraying the cast.

Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman.

Transcript

Bad Cabaret For ChildrenSummary:

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

Delbert McClinton performs “Talkin’ About You”

“Mr. Bill Shapes Up”Summary: After Mr. Hands convinces Mr. Bill that he needs to get himself in better shape, Sluggo LaLanne puts Walter Williams’ claymation character through a rigourous workout.

Transcript

The Coneheads Go To The MoviesSummary: The Coneheads enjoy a night out at the lovies to view a revival of “The Day The Earth Stood Still.” Things get out of hand when a stoner (John Belushi) passes a joint to Beldar (Dan Aykroyd), and he promptly freaks out.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

The Twilight Zone

…Rick Nelson
Rod Serling/George Burns/Alfred Hitchcock…Dan Aykroyd
June Cleaver/Mrs. Anderson/Mrs. Williams…Jane Curtin
The Beaver/Bud/Mr. Williams…John Belushi
Eddie Haskell/Mr. Anderson/Cesar Romero…Bill Murray
Betty/Linda…Laraine Newman
Louise…Garrett Morris
Lucy…Gilda Radner
Ricky Ricardo…Tom Schiller

[Entire sketch is in black-and-white. Open on black background with twinkling stars as the “Twilight Zone” theme plays]

Rod Serling V/O: You’re traveling to another dimension, a dimension of time and space, a dimension of sight and of mind. You’ve just crossed over into…the Twilight Zone.

[“Twilight Zone” title appears. Fade to Rick Nelson entering a kitchen through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home.

Rod Serling V/O: Meet Ricky Nelson, age 16. A typical American kid in a typical American kitchen in a typical American black-and-white TV family home. [Rick takes a pitcher of milk from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard] But what’s about to happen to Ricky is far from typical unless you happen to live in the Twilight Zone. [theme ends as Rick sits at the kitchen table. Cut to view of June Cleaver walking over to the table]

June Cleaver: Oh, Beaver, I’m glad you’re home. [She sits] Larry Mondelo’s mother called, and she would… [notices Rick] Well, you’re not the Beaver.

Rick Nelson: And you’re not my mom. [Eerie music plays]

June Cleaver: Well, I don’t care who you are. You might as well stay for dinner.

Rick Nelson: Gee, thanks!

June Cleaver: Oh, you better call your folks and tell them where you are.

Rick Nelson: [looks around] Wh-Where am I?

June Cleaver: At the Cleaver household! [The whistled “Leave It To Beaver” closing theme plays as June brings Rick a plate of brownies] Now, why don’t you have a brownie, but don’t spoil your appetite. [Exits]

Rick Nelson: Thanks, Mrs. Cleaver. [Rick takes a bite of a brownie and drinks some milk]

June Cleaver: [reenters] Oh, then you better wash up. [Exits]

[The Beaver and Eddie Haskell enter the kitchen. Eddie flicks the Beaver’s ear a few times and taps him with a book]

The Beaver: Hi, Mom, um, I’m home.

June Cleaver: Hello, Beaver. Hi, Eddie.

Eddie Haskell: Hello, Mrs. Cleaver. My, what a lovely dress you have on, ma’am.

June Cleaver: Thank you, Eddie.

Eddie Haskell: Wallace had basketball practice so I went out of my way to walk young Theodore home.

June Cleaver: Thank you, Eddie.

The Beaver: [Notices Rick at the table] Uh, um, who’s this, Mom? [The Beaver and Eddie sit]

June Cleaver: He’s a nice young man who’s looking for his home.

The Beaver: Gee. You know, Eddie, ah-ah-I was thinkin’, bein’ walked home from school an’ stuff, I guess it’s okay ’cause, you know, if I didn’t I’d, I’d get lost like this guy in our kitchen.

Rick Nelson: Excuse me, do you people know where the Nelsons live?

June Cleaver: Nelson, what a lovely name.

Rick Nelson: See, I gotta get home before dinner, ’cause they worry about me.

[Eerie music plays as the camera pans off the set and over to Rod Serling, standing against a black background]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval. A 16-year-old teenager walking through Anytown, USA, past endless Elm Streets, Oak Streets and Maple Streets, unable to distinguish one house from the other, for he’s just entered a strange neighborhood, a neighborhood known as…the Twilight Zone.

[Dissolve to Rick entering the same kitchen through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home.

Mrs. Anderson: Bud, is that you?

[Rick opens the fridge as Mrs. Anderson enters]

Mrs. Anderson: Oh, hello, you must be Betty’s blind date. [Shakes Rick’s hand and laughs] You’re a little early. I’m Mrs. Anderson. [“Father Knows Best” theme plays as Mrs. Anderson and Rick sit at the kitchen table] Betty’s upstairs getting ready.

Rick Nelson: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought this was my house. My name’s Rick Nelson?

Mrs. Anderson: Nelson, what a lovely name. But Bud told us your name was Larry. [Shrugs] That’s our Bud!

[Mr. Anderson enters]

Mr. Anderson: Oh, you must be Betty’s blind date! I’m Mr. Anderson! [Grins and shakes hands with Rick]

Rick Nelson: It’s a pleasure, Sir, pleasure. I’m Rick Nelson.

Mr. Anderson: Nelson, what a nice name. Presbyterian?

Rick Nelson: Uh, my father is, Sir. My mother’s Episcopal.

Mr. Anderson: Oh, well I certainly hope you’ll be staying for dinner, then. [Grins]

Mrs. Anderson: Oh, you’ll probably want to wash up and have a brownie first.

Rick Nelson: I better call my folks.

[Betty enters]

Betty: Mother, could you help me zip– [sees Rick and becomes nervous] Oh…hi [clears throat]

Mr. Anderson: Princess, this is Bud’s friend, Rick!

Betty: Hello, Ricky. I know Bud put you up to this, and I want you to know I appreciate it.

Rick Nelson: Ah–I think I should explain something to everybody. I can’t go with you, Betty. My folks are expecting me at home, and I really should be getting home.

Betty: That’s all right. [Choking up] I know I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, and I’m not much fun to be with. Anyway, why would someone as good looking as you want to go out with someone like me? [Begins sobbing and runs out of the kitchen]

Mr. Anderson: Princess!

Mrs. Anderson: Betty!

[Bud enters and ignores Rick]

Mr. Anderson: Bud?

Bud: [Looks up] Hi, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Aren’t you going to say “hi” to your friend, Rick?

Bud: [Looks at Rick and scoffs] I’ve never seen this guy before in my life. [Exits]

Mrs. Anderson: Jim, you better see to Betty. Here. [Hands Mr. Anderson the plate of brownies] Take her some brownies to cheer her up.[As Mr. Anderson exits, the eerie music resumes and the camera pans off the set to Rod Serling]

Rod Serling: Ricky Nelson has a problem. He’s late for dinner. Ozzie and Harriet are waiting for him. If he doesn’t get home soon, his dinner will be cold and he’ll have a lot of explaining to do. He could call home, but who, who would accept the charges on a call from…the Twilight Zone?

[Dissolve to kitchen. Louise is standing over Mrs. Williams and daughter Linda as they have breakfast]

Linda: [As Louise tries to help her] It’s okay.

Mrs. Williams: Louise, the pancakes are cold again this morning.

Louise: [in low, barely audible voice] Uh, well, uh, that’s because they were sitting there.

Mrs. Williams: Well, it’s all right. I guess you did have to wait for us.

Louise: Uh, yes. [To Linda] Uh, let me taste a piece of the… [trails off as Linda feeds her a pancake piece]

Linda: See?

Louise: They are cold.

[Mr. Williams enters]

Mr. Williams: Ah! [Sits at the table] Good news, Uncle Tonoose is coming next week.

[“Make Room For Daddy” theme plays as Mr. Williams reads his copy of “Variety.” He sniffs] Louise, smells like something’s burning.

Louise: Well, with your nose, Mr. Williams, something could be burning in Toledo and you’d know it!

Mrs. Williams: Linda, where’s your brother Rusty this morning?

Linda: Oh, Rusty’s upstairs pretending he’s sick because he’s got a test today!

Mr. Williams: [to Louise] Tell Rusty he better get down here or he can’t come to my show tonight!

Louise: If I tell him that, he’ll stay up there all year! [Exits]

[Rick Nelson enters the kitchen through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home!

The Williamses: Hi, Rusty!

[Mr. Williams whistles and reads “Variety’s” back page as Rick helps himself to some milk and sits at the table]

Mr. Williams: How about this? [reading article] Nelson boy still missing. Police today pledge to continue their massive search for teen idol Ricky Nelson after he failed to report home for dinner last night.

Rick Nelson: Well, wait a minute! I’m Ricky Nelson!

[The family does a spit take. Eerie music plays as the camera pans off the set to George Burns]

George Burns: Ricky’s confused. So are the writers, that’s why they brought me in here. You know, actually, Ricky and Rusty are easy names to confuse. In Vaudeville, I was once on a bill with a dance team called Rusty and Ricky. Everyone got them mixed up. See, Ricky and Rusty, well, Rusty had colored hair and…Rusty had rickets, which was unusual for a dance team. Was a great act! Rusty would do the limbo under Ricky’s bow legs until one day a nutritionist caught the show, put Ricky on a multivitamin diet, s’good for his health. Ruined the act. Well, Ricky should be getting home about now. [Takes a puff of his cigar] Let’s see what happens.

[Dissolve to kitchen. Rick enters through the back door]

Rick Nelson: Hi, mom, I’m home.

Lucy: Is that you, Ricky?

Rick Nelson: Yeah, it’s me. [Takes the milk from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard] Boy, the strangest thing happened to me on the way home today.

[Cut to Lucy]

Lucy: You’re not Ricky.

[The “I Love Lucy” theme plays as Lucy and Rick walk to the kitchen table]

Rick Nelson: Yes, I am. I’m Ricky Nelson.

Lucy: No, you’re not. I-i-i-if you’re Ricky, then who are Fred and Ethel?

Rick Nelson: The wacky neighbors?

Lucy: All right, you’re right about that one. But if you are Ricky, who are you bringing home for dinner?

Rick Nelson: Fred and Ethel?

Lucy: No. Cesar Romero. [panics] Oh, no! Ricky’s bringing home Cesar Romero and I forgot about the turkey! [Rushes to the stove. Cut to Ricky Ricardo entering through the back door]

Ricky Ricardo: Hi, honey, I’m back from the club! And I brought a dinner guest, Cesar Romero! [Cesar enters. Cut to Lucy opening a pot with smoke pouring out]

Lucy: Waaaaaah!

[The “I Love Lucy” logo fades in. Dissolve to Alfred Hitchcock]

Alfred Hitchcock: Had Ricky asked, I could easily have provided him with a map of the stars’ homes, available at many newsstands in the Los Angeles area. This, of course, would have solved his problem. However, for reasons unknown to me, the sponsor would not permit it. Good evening.

[The “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” theme plays as Hitchcock turns sideways to match the outlined profile on the screen]

[Applause and fade]

Submitted by: JTR115

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

D&R Men’s Stylists

Gloria…..Laraine Newman
Denny…..Rick Nelson
Ron…..Bill Murray
Floyd Hunger…..Dan Aykroyd
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
Kevin…..John Belushi

[ open on interior of mini-mall ]

[ zoom upward to the barber shop ]

[ dissolve to interior of barber shop, as Gloria manicures Denny’s fingernails ]

Gloria: So, Merrill Osmond sang a song by himself, and then Marie sang a song with Jimmy. That was really good. I wish they’d let Jimmy sing with Marie more often, instead of always with Donny. I mean, that was really the best part, I thought.

[ pull out to reveal Ron trimming Denny’s hair ]

Denny: I didn’t see it. I don’t remember what I was watching.

Gloria: Well… I think Jimmy will be the MOST famous of ALL of them. That’s my prediction.

[ the phone rings; Gloria stands to answer it ]

Gloria: D&R Men’s Stylists. [ she leafs through the appointment book ] Oh, hi, Mr. Payjak. Tuesday afternoon, around two? Just a minute, I’ll check. [ she covers the mouthpiece ]

Ron: Tell him we have an appointment open around 2:30.

Gloria: [ into the phone ] We have an opening at 2:30. Will that be okay? Okay. [ she pencils it in ] I’m sorry, I won’t be here. [ she laughs lightly ] Well, I got a job, you know, at that new hairstylist over at the new mall. Yeah, you know, the one with the waterfall. Right! Yeah, it should be fun. [ a beat ] Are you sure? [ another beat ] Okay, I’ll see you there. [ she hangs up, then turns to face Ron ] Uh — he says he doesn’t know about Tuesday, he’s gonna have to check his schedule.

Ron: [ he sighs heavily ] Gloria… since today is your last day, why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off?

Gloria: [ excited ] Oh, really? Well, thanks!

Denny: Yeah, I don’t think anybody will be wanting a manicure anyway.

Gloria: [ relunctantly ] Well, I… I guess I’ll get going, then. [ she grans her coat ] Uh — I’m really sorry I had to quit. I hope there’s no hard feelings.

Denny: No, that’s okay.

Ron: [ cheery ] Heeey, when opportunity knocks!

Gloria: Well… goodbye.

Ron: Take care.

[ Gloria exits ]

Ron: [ muttering ] Idiot.

[ Ron removes the tarp from Denny, revealing that the two men are actually co-workers in the salon ]

[ Denny moves to the adjacent chair, as Ron takes the now-vacant seat, and they each begin reading old magazines ]

[ suddenly, Floyd Hunger enters ]

Floyd Hunger: Hey, Ron… Denny.

Ron: Hey, Floyd.

Denny: Hi. Just on time.

[ Denny rises, as Floyd takes his chair ]

Floyd Hunger: Uh, I don’t think I need to get it washed today, Denny. I just did it myself this morning. Just give me a little trim, will’ya?

Ron: Hey, how’s business at your place, Floyd? Any better?

Floyd Hunger: I can’t believe it. I’ve only sold… [ counting in his head ] three suits all month.

Denny: Phew. Oh, that’s too bad, Floyd.

Floyd Hunger: You know, I really thought Valentine’s Day would generate a little more business than it did. [ thinking ] It’s only a few months ’til Easter, right?

Denny: You know, Frank from National Shoes was in here the other day.

Floyd Hunger: Mmm-hmm?

Denny: And he said there’s not enough parking at the new mall.

Ron: Can you believe that? Brand new, and there’s already not enough parking.

Denny: Ah, we figure once people are tired of having to hunt for parking spaces, they’ll be coming back here.

Floyd Hunger: Well, you guys are still doing alright, though, aren’t ya’?

Denny: [ he shrugs ] Well, we’ve still got our hospitals. If we didn’t have that, we’d be in bad shape.

Floyd Hunger: Is it hard to… cut someone’s hair while they’re in bed? I’d think it’d be really hard.

Denny: No, not really, ’cause they mostly want trims.

Ron: I remember, once, I was giving a guy a haircut… and he DIED, right when I finished. His head slumped forward, you know, and I thought he wanted me to trim more off the back. I’m going, chopping like a you-know-what on the back if the guy’s neck, and the guy in the next bed says to me: “Hwy, uh, I think he’s just taken his last haircut!” That’s how I found out he was DEAD!

[ the phone rings; Ron answers ]

Ron: D&R Men’s Hair Stylists. [ a beat ] Yes, you do! [ he hangs up, angry ] It’s him again!

Floyd Hunger: Who was that?

Denny: Oh, this kid who keeps calling and asking if you have to have an appointment to get a haircut. And then, when you say “Yeah”, he starts laughing. [ he shrugs ] I don’t know. He must think it’s funny, or something.

Ron: What’s funny about having to make an appointment to get a haircut? Am I missing something, or what?

Floyd Hunger: [ he shrugs and shakes his head ] I don’t see anything funny about it, Ron.

[ Ron sits ]

Denny: You know, I hear Puppy Land’s moving out to the new mall.

Floyd Hunger: Those are rumors. Puppy Land can’t move now. All the puppies would get sick. If they’re gonna move, they’ll have to wait ’til Spring.

Ron: That’s what I heard — I heard they plan to move in the Spring.

Floyd Hunger: Maybe they’re gonna move in the Spring. But they can’t move now.

[ suddenly, Jenny Rocker enters, smiling ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Floyd! I thought that was you!

Floyd Hunger: Hi, Jenny.

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Denny! Hi, Ron!

Denny: Hi, Jenny.

Ron: Hi, Jenny.

Jenny Rocker: Hey! Did you hear that Fanny Farmer is moving? Do you realize that’ll make it six stores moving out this year?

Ron: You counting Puppy Land in there?

Jenny Rocker: Is Puppy Land moving?

[ Ron nods ]

Floyd Hunger: I don’t think Puppy Land’s moving. Not ’til the Spring, anyway.

Jenny Rocker: Well… if Puppy Land does move, that’ll make it seven moving this year.

Denny: Hey, how’s business at the Scotch tape store? Everything okay?

Jenny Rocker: [ ecstatic ] Oh, things have been terrific! Everyone needs tape to put up their “Going Out of Business” signs! We’ve been swamped!

Ron: Heeey, don’t we need some tape, Denny?

Denny: [ thinking ] Yeah. I’ll have to drop over and get some.

Jenny Rocker: Oh! You don’t have to. I’ll send Kevin over with it. What do you want — the regular thirty-nine center, or the economy fifty-five center?

Denny: Ohhhh, I think we’ll get the one for thirty-nine.

Jenny Rocker: [ disappointed ] Okay.

Denny: If we need more, we can always get it later.

Jenny Rocker: Alright, fine. I’ll send it right over. Goodbye, Floyd!

Floyd Hunger: See you, Jenny.

Ron: See you, Jenny.

Jenny Rocker: Bye!

[ she exits ]

Floyd Hunger: [ he sighs ] You know… I never thought they’d make it. A store that just sells Scotch tape? It just goes to show ya’. Hey, where’s Gloria?

Denny: Uh — Gloria quit, Floyd. She got a job with that new men’s hair stylist in the new mall.

Floyd Hunger: Awww. Sorry to hear that, guys.

Ron: Well… she was working here kind of freelance, so you can’t blame her. You know, business hasn’t been very good, so… We couldn’t take her with us to the hospital, it wouldn’t look quite right, you know?

Floyd Hunger: Yeah, well… she’ll probably do okay there. She’s a good girl. I’ll miss her.

[ Kevin enters ]

Kevin: [ bored ] One roll of tape. That’ll be fifty-eight.

Denny: No, no. I ordered the thirty-nine center, not the fifty-eight.

Kevin: I — I thought you wanted the fifty-eight center?

Denny: No, I wanted the thirty-nine center.

Kevin: [ aggravated ] Awwww, I’ll be right back.

[ Kevin exits ]

Floyd Hunger: [ patting his hair ] Well, that should do it there, Den. [ Denny removes the tarp from around Floyd ] So, remember, guys: Whatever happens, never quit! [ he stands to examine himself in the mirror ] You want to win the game? Never quit. A mall’s a lot like a football team. If you got faith in it, it’ll always come back.

Ron: That’s right.

Denny: Yeah, that’s right, Floyd.

Floyd Hunger: [ uneasy ] Uhhh — look, uhh — Denny, I might have to get this next week.

Denny: Oh, that’s okay, Floyd.

Floyd Hunger: Alright. Hey, see you later, guys.

[ Floyd exits, as Kevin re-enters ]

Kevin: Okay. Here’s your thirty-nine center. That’s forty-two, with tax.

Denny: Kevin, I — I don’t have much change right now. Would you mind putting that on our bill?

Kevin: [ aggravayed ] Okay, that’s SIX rolls you owe us now!

Ron: Say, Kevin — you know, you’re getting a little shaggy on one side there. Why don’t you let us balance it out for you?

Kevin: Nah, my mom cuts my hair better than you can, any day! Besides… you don’t have to make any appointments! [ he smirks, then exits ]

[ Ron glances at Denny, then touches his own hair ]

Ron: Take a little off the side, but not as much, huh? I’ve got a date. I want it to blow in the wind.

[ Denny procees to cut Ron’s hair, as the scene pulls back ]

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Disco Death House” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Dick Lanky on WGN Radio

Dick Lanky…Bill Murray
Woman Caller #1/Eastern Operator…Jane Curtin
Todd Sweeney…Dan Aykroyd
Woman Caller #2/Phone Operator…Gilda Radner
Man Caller #1…Garrett Morris
Promotions Operator…Laraine Newman
Man Caller #2/Lobster Deliverer…John Belushi

[Fade in on “ON AIR” light in the WGN radio studio as Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” plays in the background. Music fades as the camera pans over to Dick Lanky, on the phone with a caller]

Dick Lanky: All right, we’re back on. Can you say th–Hey, folks at home, grab a pencil. Could you say that again for the folks at home?

Woman Caller #1: The number to call if you wanna pledge to donate blood to the Taggert twins is 555-8679.

Dick Lanky: [writing the number down] All right, that’s great. Let’s see if we can get that blood pledged by nine o’clock. Come on, WGN is gonna help. You know, there’s always a blood shortage when we get this kinda cold weather, so let’s help out.

Woman Caller #1: Oh, and Dick, if we meet this goal, not only will we save a child’s life, but I’ll send you two live Maine lobsters from Allgauer’s Restaurant so you can eat them when you want.

Dick Lanky: Well, thanks a lot! Thanks very much. [Hangs up] Okay, those twins need some blood and I need some lobsters. Come on, Chicago, let’s hear from ya. And before that, we heard, uh, Gerry Rafferty and his “Baker Street.” You know, I always wondered what the heck he meant by Baker Street, where is it, what is it? Somebody give me a phone call if you know the story on Baker Street, huh? 555-2150. And now we’re gonna have a weather update, I hope, from Todd Sweeney. [Todd Sweeney enters] And, uh Todd, move in here. Tell us what kinda day it is today.

Todd Sweeney: [Taking a seat next to Dick] Well, thank you, Dick. Clearing to partly sunny today, winds steady to the northeast at 15 miles an hour, picking up to 35 miles an hour this afternoon. The barometer is 28.90 and falling pretty quickly now. The chance of precipitation is near zero this morning, 20 percent this afternoon and 20 percent tonight. Temperatures will be 10 to 12 degrees below normal for this time of year and, ah, we can look for more o’ that in the next few days. Now back to more music with Dick Lanky.

Dick Lanky: Thank you, Todd. What’s the temperature right now?

Todd Sweeney: Ah, uhh [looking through his papers] Uh, didn’t I–didn’t I read it now? [Dick shakes his head] I guess–guess we didn’t get it yet. [Todd shrugs] We, I’ve been out, so I don’t know what’s going on.

Dick Lanky: All right out there, gimme the temperature, come on if you know out there, gimme a phone call! [Todd exits] We gotta know, we’ll let everyone else know. [Answers phone] All right, Breakfast with Lanky, hello?

Woman Caller #2: Hey, Dick, it’s 28 degrees right now.

Dick Lanky: Ah, thank you, 28 degrees, everybody…

Woman Caller #2: Yeah, and I was wondering, my husband and I flew on Eastern Airlines recently from Atlanta to Chicago, and our pilot looked exactly like Frank Borman. I’d like to know if he actually flies any of those planes.

Dick Lanky: Well, I’m sure he’s qualified if he can fly to the moon, for heaven’s sake. But let’s find out, okay. We’ll do that this morning [Hangs up] Anybody, who knows the number for Eastern Airlines’ home office, come on. [Answers phone] Let’s call up Frank Borman this morning, all right? Hello?

Man Caller #1: Yes, I saw in the news in New York this morning about this kid who needs pregnant mothers’ milk to stay alive.

Dick Lanky: Yes.

Man Caller #1: I have some, and I’d like to know how to send it.

Dick Lanky: [Picks up index card with information] You know, we’ve been getting a lotta calls about that. He’s a little boy named Joey Sullivan in Runston, New Jersey, and we hope he gets well soon. You can call area code 201-555-5327 to give him a hand. We’re all pullin’ for ya, and you know that. Thanks a lot, appreciate it. [Answers another line] Hello?

Man Caller #2: Hey, Dick, the number for Eastern’s home office.

Dick Lanky: Yeah.

Man Caller #2: 311-555-4915. It’s in Miami.

Dick Lanky: Oh, Miami, thanks a lot, I appreciate it. Thanks a lot. [Dials the operator] Hey.

Phone Operator: Operator.

Dick Lanky: Yeah, yeah Operator, Dick Lanky at WGN Radio. Hey, we gotta call Eastern Airlines in Miami. We’re talkin’ to Frank Borman this morning, hopefully. It’s 311-555-4915, please. … Rock Hudson is 61 today. Audrey Hepburn is 50, I don’t believe it, I’d do it in a minute. How about you?

Eastern Operator: Eastern Airlines.

Dick Lanky: Yeah, Dick Lanky, WGN in Chicago. I’m on the air. I’d like to talk to Frank Borman.

Eastern Operator: Hold on. I’ll connect you to Promotion. [sound of phone ringing]

Dick Lanky: Say, if you need a free chest X-ray, the mobile unit’s gonna be at Oak Park Monday and Tuesday. So get out there and check it out.

Promotion Receptionist: Mr. Hidey’s office, Eastern Promotion.

Dick Lanky: Ah, Dick Lanky, WGN Chicago calling.

Promotion Receptionist: What is this in regard to?

Dick Lanky: I wanna talk to Frank Borman to see if he flew a plane from Atlanta to Chicago last week. [laughs]

Promotion Receptionist: Ah, I wouldn’t know that. I don’t think anyone here in the Promotion department would know.

Dick Lanky: Well, where is Frank? Where is Frank?

Promotion Receptionist: Mr. Borman is in Montreal right now.

Dick Lanky: Where is he staying, do you know?

Promotion Receptionist: I’m afraid I can’t release that information.

Dick Lanky: Well, we’re on the air right now, ah. Okay, I’ll try someone else. Thank you. [Hangs up] Hey, who out there knows Frank Borman’s number in Montreal? Gimme a phone call, will ya? [Lobster deliverer enters] You know, the largest lake in the world is the Caspian Sea. [Deliverer sets a yellow bag on the counter and takes out two lobsters] Uh oh, I think we musta–oh! I wish you could see what’s happening here. We musta met our goal on the blood donations for the Taggert twins because the lobsters from Allgauer’s just arrived. Are these flown in live from Maine every day?

Lobster Deliverer: No. “Live from New York, its Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: JTR115

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Goodnights

…..Rick Nelson

Rick Nelson: Thank you… everybody. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Rock Against Yeast ’79

Don Kirshner…Paul Shaffer
Jerry Eldini…Bill Murray
Olivia Newton-John…Laraine Newman
Bob Marley…Garrett Morris
…Rick Nelson
King One…Dan Aykroyd
King Two…John Belushi
Dolly Parton…Jane Curtin
Candy Slice…Gilda Radner

[Open on a backstage room filled with celebrities. Rock promoter Don Kirshner and Polysutra executive Jerry Eldini are conversing in front of an hors d’oeuvres table]

Don Kirshner: …terrific, terrific thing. And, and really, I gotta say, Jerry, that it’s a fabulous, fabulous thing when a Rick Nelson flies in from a Los Angeles, when an Olivia calls and says, you know, “What, Don is having a benefit, I’m there.” Forget about it, you know, ’cause it’s a love and a respect and a thing, it’s just…we’re golden with this benefit, already!

Jerry Eldini: There’s only one guy who could have set this whole benefit up, and I’m looking at him, Don Kirshner, you know that.

Don Kirshner: Don’t give me, Jerry. It was your idea.

Jerry Eldini: Gah! My idea, my idea. [crowd applause is heard in the background. Olivia Newton-John walks up to Don and Jerry] Ah! Monster, monster, Olivia, Olivia.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, thank you.

Jerry Eldini: How about a little tootski, honey? [Turns his back to the camera as he secretly offers Olivia some cocaine]

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, sure.

Jerry Eldini: Go! Go again!

Olivia Newton-John: [wipes her upper lip] Oh, am I showing? Am I showing?

Jerry Eldini: A little bit on your nose. Little bit.

Don Kirshner: Olivia, I have to say that we are so grateful to have a rock giantess like yourself participate in our benefit.

Olivia Newton-John: Well, it’s a worthy cause, Don. I’d do it again to help stamp out yeast infections in our lifetime.

Jerry Eldini: When I see all this monster talent herded together under one roof and pause to reflect that, hey, me, Jerry Eldini, along with this [points to Don] very great, very small, [laughs] very small, very great man…

Don Kirshner: Oh, you’re terrible, Jerry!

Jerry Eldini: Oh, had a hand in organizing Rock Against Yeast ’79, I’m just proud as pee to be as part of the Polysutra label.

Don Kirshner: Jerry, where’s Candy? She’s on soon. I hope she’s straight for the concert.

Jerry Eldini: [Begins looking around] I don’t know. I hope she’ll be good. She was here. [Camera moves to couch where Bob Marley and Rick Nelson are sitting]

Rick Nelson: You know, Bob, I was in Jamaica for the Wailers concert in April. I really dug it.

Bob Marley: You were in Ja, man, for that thing!

Rick Nelson: Yeah.

Bob Marley: I’ll be doggone, man. That’s some thing, you know? I remember hearin’ about your concert, too. They tell me it was real good, you know. Everybody doin’ the reggae to it and stuff.

Rick Nelson: Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I dug it.

Bob Marley: Y’ever been to the… [notices someone entering and taps Rick on the leg] Oh-oh-oh-oh who’s dat, man? Who’s dat dere?

[Camera pans over as an Elvis impersonator enters]

Rick Nelson: Oh, he’s part of an Elvis Presley impersonation act. He plays Elvis in the early-’50s, you know.

Bob Marley: He plays Elvis?

Rick Nelson: Yeah, he calls himself King One.

Bob Marley: King One?

[A second Elvis impersonator enters, dressed as the heavier 1970s Elvis]

Rick Nelson: King Two.

Bob Marley: King Two?

[Both Kings walk over to the couch and sit]

King One: [speaking like Elvis] Uh. E-Excuse me, are you Ricky Nelson?

Rick Nelson: Yeah. Hi. [Shakes King One’s hand] This is Bob Marley. [King One shakes Bob’s hand]

Bob Marley: How you doing, King One?

King One: I just wanna say I’m a big fan, and I know the real King was a buddy of yours. I just hope you get a chance to see our show.

King Two: We try to do the King justice. I have a ‘specially tough time ’cause I’m playin’ the latter part of the King’s life, after he discovered carbohydrates.

Rick Nelson: Right, yeah, well, what do you call your show?

King Two: Elvi!

King One: Uh, s-say, is that Dolly Parton over there or is that a Dolly Parton impersonator? [camera pans to Dolly Parton standing nearby]

Bob Marley: Gotta be Dolly.

Rick Nelson: [Stands up and brings Dolly over to the couch] Yeah, uh, Dolly? I want you to meet some friends of mine. [Bob Marley and the Elvi stand] Bob Marley. [Bob and Dolly shake hands] and the Elvi.

King One: Howdy.

King Two: [shakes Dolly’s hand] Hello, Dolly!

Dolly Parton: Hello. [giggles] Pleased to meet you both! [to Bob] I just love your “reggie” music. It’s so cute.

Bob Marley: Oh, that’s reggae, Miss Parton.

Dolly Parton: [leans forward] Oh, who does your hair?

Bob Marley: Who does–

[Jerry Eldini reenters the room]

Jerry Eldini: Attention, please! Elvi, you’re on next. Elvi One, please, and then Elvi two, stand by, okay? King One, King Two.

Kings One and Two: Nice meetin’ you folks. We got some impersonatin’ to do! [They exit]

Jerry Eldini: Good luck, fellas. Fabulous outfits, huh? Has anybody seen Candy Slice? Little girl who’s platinum around here who’s lost, little platinum…. Come on, anybody?

[Jerry opens the door. Candy, carrying a beer bottle, takes a few wobbly steps into the room and falls forward. Jerry catches her, pulls her back to her feet and guides her around the room]

Jerry Eldini: Candy! Hey, babe! We’ve been looking for you. Everybody’s dying to meet you.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, excuse me.

Jerry Eldini: Olivia, do you know Candy Slice?

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, Miss Slice. You know, I’ve never actually seen you perform, but I’ve heard that you’re very, very hot. Do have a good show, really!

[Candy burps]

Olivia Newton-John: Salami? Is that salami? [Jerry leads Candy over to Dolly Parton. Candy stares at Dolly’s breasts for a moment]

Dolly Parton: Knock ’em dead tonight, honey! [laughs] At least we’re not wearin’ the same thing!

Candy Slice: [points to Dolly’s forehead] Hey, you’re gettin’ a zit there.

Jerry Eldini: Uh, Dolly, why don’t you go to the ladies room and freshen up, okay? [Hands Dolly a packet of coke] From Polysutra. Rick? [walks over to Rick Nelson] Hey, Candy Slice has been dying to say hello.

Rick Nelson: Uh, Miss Slice? [Candy takes a swig from her beer bottle] It’s really neat to meet you and be on the same show with you and everything, and I just wanna tell you I’m a big fan of yours. I love your latest album, “Making the Pig Sick.”

[Candy spits out her beer and leans her head against Rick’s chest]

Jerry Eldini: [Pulling Candy back up and laughing] Come on, Candy! Do you know who this is, for heaven’s sake?

Candy Slice: Fabian?

Jerry Eldini: [Catching Candy as she collapses] She’s quite a little kidder as it turns out. [Pulls her up] Upski, you little firecracker! Come on, you’re on in a few seconds! [Catches a stagehand’s attention] Howard, can you give me a hand? [Jerry turns to Rick as he and Howard help Candy out of the room] Thank you so much. It’s a real favor. She really appreciates it.

[Cut to shot of hallway as Candy is led, then carried, to the stage. The audience is applauding as the Elvi finish their act]

Jerry Eldini: The Elvi, everyone! Weren’t they fantastic? [The Elvi exit. Jerry props up Candy in front of the microphone] Test, one-two, test. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the rock-a-thon of Hope for Yeast benefit, in association with Don Kirshner and myself, Jerry Eldini –[laughing] okay, nobody knows me, I don’t care — take pride in presenting The Candy Slice Group, come on!

[Audience cheers]

Candy Slice: [slurring] Heeeey! Hey, Mick Jagger! If you’re out there, this is for you! [Candy waves her arm and the band starts playing]

[singing]
“Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me ’til I’m sick.”

[Struts up and down the stage]

“Some girls want Travolta
All black and white and slick
But there’s screamin’ hunky mamas yellin’
Gimme Mick

Well my fine performance
Take my wife and all that shtick
Makes me die just ta meet ya

(Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick)
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me ’til I’m sick

You, Mick Jagger, actually continue to perform at a concert where someone got knifed and killed during the 60’s
You, Mick Jagger, are English and go out with a model and get an incredible amount of publicity
You, Mick Jagger, don’t keep regular hours
You, Mick Jagger, have the greatest rock ‘n roll band in the history of rock ‘n roll, and you don’t even play an instrument yourself

(Rock ‘n roll, rock ‘n roll
Gimme gimme gimme rock ‘n roll)
Gimme gimme rock ‘n roll
(Gimme gimme gimme gimme)
Gimme gimme
Gimme gimme gimme gimme

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll meeee…
‘Til I’m sick [burps]-Ugh!”

[Candy hops up and down as the band plays its final chord, collapsing as the music stops. Applause and cheers. Jerry Eldini tries to pick Candy up as the scene fades]

Submitted by: JTR115

SNL Transcripts