Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Stunt Baby

Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray
Gwen…..Jane Curtin
Howard…..Buck Henry
P.A…..Gilda Radner

[Open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. HOWARD stands next to GWEN, who holds a swaddled baby. DIRECTOR enters]

Director: (speaking into headset) OK, I know that. All right, all right. (Addressing Gwen) Gwen, darling! In this scene, you are the bored young mother, OK? You’ve spent the entire day at home with the baby, and then when your husband, Mr. Monster over here, comes home, he ignores you, OK? It’s driving you nuts! You start hitting the old juice a little bit, OK?

Gwen: Ha, ha, ha! Kind of reminds me of my own home!

(all three laugh)

Director: Terrific! All right, Howard? In this one, you’re the, uh, psychopathic father, OK? You hate your job, you feel trapped at home, OK? So when you get home, you take it out on your frustrated wife and the helpless baby.

Howard: I gotcha, Bri, I gotcha, pal.

Director: I knew you would, babe. (To the whole set) We’re lucky here, we have a terrific bunch! Can we hear it? “Terrifiiic…” Thank you, OK, good! (addressing the infant) Now, Timmy, you are the unwanted infant, OK?

[TIMMY gurgles in response]

Director: You haven’t been fed all day, all right? Now what happens, your mom and dad come home, they start fighting, uh-huh, yeah! so you start crying, OK?

[TIMMY gives a sample of his crying]

Director: Yeahhh, baby, all right! Perfect! OK, places everybody, let’s go, OK?

[GWEN places TIMMY in his crib at the back of the set as the set is cleared]

Director: All right. (singsong)Al-aaaaaannnn… OK, roll it for me? all right, roll ’em, mark it for me, will you, Tom?

[Tom, the clapper operator, holds up a slate clapper marked for the film “INFANT MOLESTERS”]

Tom: Scene 12, take one!

[Tom claps the clapper]

Director: And we got speed, rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a TU-ub, and action!

[Howard and Gwen are now in character, sitting on the couch watching TV]

Gwen: I’m sick of watching the same old thing!

Howard: Be quiet!

Gwen: Can’t we ever go and see a movie?

Howard: I said SHUT UP!

Gwen: We never GO anywhere!

Howard: I told you we can’t afford a babysitter!

[TIMMY is crying loudly. GWEN goes to fetch him from his crib]

Gwen: Now look what you’ve done!

Howard: Can’t you shut that kid up? I’m trying to watch TV!

[GWEN, holding the baby, goes to the TV and switches it off]

Gwen: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!

Howard: Put that thing back on!

Gwen: I should never have married you! (She gives TIMMY to HOWARD and storms off)

Howard: For once you’ve said something that’s right! (To TIMMY) Oh, shut up… you little brat! You’re driving me nuts! Shut up! shut UP! (He raises TIMMY over his head as if to throw him) SHUUUT UUUUP…

[DIRECTOR walks on the set]

Director: Cut, cut, cut! Good, good, OK, Bring in the stunt baby, OK? (laughter)

[P.A. enters with SKIPPY, the stunt baby]

Director: (yelling offstage) Gwen, that was sensational! (to Howard) perfect, Howard!

Howard: Thanks, Bri!

Director: Thank you! Can we take a look? (looking at SKIPPY) Ohhh, beautiful! Perfect match! Thank you, makeup, thank you! (to P.A. regarding TIMMY) OK, Take him away, all right. (To SKIPPY) OK, Skippy, how you doin’, little tough guy? OK, all right baby, in this scene, you’re crying, OK? It’s driving Howard crazy. Now Howard’s gonna slug you three or four times, OK? Now he’s gonna hit you- he’s gonna really hit you, OK? Yeah, there’s nothin’ fakier than a bogus punch, all right? Yeahhhh, this isn’t a John Wayne movie, all riiight! OK, now just roll with the punches, he’ll rough you up a little bit, and OK, oh! And during all of this… you should be screaming all the time, OK? Lemme hear it…

[SKIPPY cries]

Director: Aw, come on, a little louder?

[SKIPPY cries a little louder]

Director: All right, OK, save it for the take! OK, good! Good! (hands SKIPPY to HOWARD) Mister tough guy here! Mister twelve pounds, two ounces, yeah! OK, you got your kneepads on? You got your kneepads on? OK, when we finish we’re broken for the day, OK? (sing-songy) Nyah nyah nyahhh… OK, tough guy, OK, places everybody- (rolls his forearms, signaling the cameraman to roll film) -and let’s roll it!

[TOM enters with clapper]

Tom: Scene 13, take one.

[Tom claps the clapper]

Director: Perfect. Mark? OK, settle in everybody… and… OK, Skippy, start crying… (Skippy cries) …action!

Howard: Shut up, you little brat… you’re driving me nuts! Shut up! shut UP! SHUUUT UUUUP…

[SKIPPY cries constantly as HOWARD slams him down onto the TV, hits SKIPPY once, slams SKIPPY’s head into a 1970’s cable-TV box, punches SKIPPY three times, pushes SKIPPY into the face of a grandfather clock, drags SKIPPY’s head horizontally along the bars of the crib, drops SKIPPY to the floor, punches SKIPPY four times, and finally picks up SKIPPY and throws him through the living room’s picture window.]

[DIRECTOR enters]

Director: OK, cut! I think that’s a keeper, don’t you, fellas? Nice job, Howard!

Howard: Aw, thank you.

Director: Very nice, very nice. Hey, are you OK back there, Skippy? Hey, Skippinski, where are you, fella? are you ok?

[SKIPPY gurgles wearily]

I think somebody better, uh, take a look after Skippy OK? All right, 8:30 call tomorrow morning, everybody. We’re doing the buffalo stampede! Fabulous job, everybody! [Shakes HOWARD’s hand] Howard, let’s work together again!

[DIRECTOR & HOWARD exchange praise as camera pulls out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up next… The Pros and Cons of Schizophrenia”]

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Samurai Psychiatrist

Mr. Dantley… Buck Henry
Samurai… John Belushi

[Open in a psychiatrist’s office. MR. DANTLEY, the patient, speaks while lying on the couch]

Mr. Dantley: Uh, you know, Doc, I’m starting to feel pretty good about things. I’ve been coming to see you twice a week for, uhhh… three years now, and I feel that we’ve made great progress! There’s just a few more things that I’d like you to help me clear up, and I’m confident that I’ll be a new man! How do you feel about that?

[Pull out to reveal that SAMURAI is the psychiatrist. He scratches his chin through his robe and is non-commital toward the question.]

Don Pardo (V.O.): And now, another episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.” (applause)

Mr. Dantley: I’ll tell you something, I keep having this strange dream, and oddly enough, Doc, you’re in it. How do you account for that? Why should you be in my dream?

[Samurai, now keeping notes with a pad and pencil, grunts in three syllables]

Mr. Dantley: Transference! Oh, yeah! You’re probably right, you’ve become sort of, uh, an authority figure to me, like my father.

[Samurai gestures with his pencil as though smoking a pipe and conversing]

Mr. Dantley: And as strange as it may seem, at times you’re… even a mother figure to me.

[Samurai ponders this, tapping his pencil repeatedly]

Mr. Dantley: Well, we’ve spoken about mother a number of times, yeah, I really love her. And that’s not unusual, is it, Doc? I mean, she was my first love, and you told me that was perfectly normal, that’s the normal Oedipus complex?

[Samurai grunts in a “could be” manner, and slips his knife out of and into its sheath once]

Mr. Dantley: Now you say that I loved my mother, and my father was jealous of that love, which leads to, what did you call it?

[Samurai pulls out his hari-kari knife and cuts two kumquats from a small tree between him and Dantley]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, yes, the castration complex! (laughter) But, what I’m wondering is, where does that leave me now? I’m a grown man, I have a good job, but I’m still a mama’s boy. Somehow, somehow I have to cut that old umbilical cord.

[Samurai responds by producing a large sword and, with a shout, posing as if to bisect Dantley]

Mr. Dantley: Ohhh, no! I can do it, I’m sure I can work that one out alone, it’s not that, that, that, that difficult. But, what about my mother problem? It’s ruining my life, I need answers. You know? I don’t wanna hear about sex any more. That’s the thing about you, you strict Freudians, everything is based on sex! I’ll tell you what I think, I think that Freud must have been a real sicko, ’cause all he ever thought about was sex!

[Samurai grunts questioningly]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah!

[Samurai grunts and shows Dantley a photo of Sigmund Freud with what looks like a rolled-up dollar bill in his nose.]

Mr. Dantley: Sex… oh, yes, sex and cocaine. But what about my mother problem, doc? What can I do about it?

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Free association? Well, sure, I mean, we’ve done it before, but I’ll try anything at this point. All right. Let’s go.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: White.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Cold.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: What was that?

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Down.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Cat.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Princess Anne. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You said-

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: “-Mom,” and I answered “Princess Anne.” A logical response to-

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: “-Mom” would have been “dad,” but I said “Princess Anne…” which was my father’s nickname! (laughter) So of course, it’s really a father problem I have. That’s it, but, Doc, why didn’t you tell me this earlier? I mean, [angrily gets up from couch] it’s so obvious now, after three years of therapy, I have now come to realize this, it seems to me you’ve wasted my time! My time and my money!

[Samurai grunts in protest]

Mr. Dantley: You know something? I think you’re nothing but a quack! Yes, a quack!

[Samurai kneels on the couch, produces his hari-kari knife and motions as if about to kill himself. He seems to expect Dantley will stop him, but Dantley just watches]

Mr. Dantley: Okay, go ahead with it! For three years now, you’ve been threatening to do this, but this time I’m not gonna stop you! And besides, you can’t fool me, that’s not even a hari-kari knife!

[Samurai grunts, sounding much like “Oh, yeah?”]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah!

[Samurai plunges the knife into his stomach and goes through various slapstick death throes]

Mr. Dantley: Doc, you did it, you’re not bluffing! I thought you were bluffing!

[Samurai grunts in pain]

Mr. Dantley: Does it really hurt?

[Samurai grunts and gestures along the lines of “What do you think?!?!”]

Mr. Dantley: I can’t believe it! I’m terribly sorry!

[Samurai grunts and gestures along the lines of “small consolation now,” then grunts more pain]

Mr. Dantley: Doc, Doc, I never meant this to happen, believe me!

[Samurai grunts in pain]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah… Do you have any last words you’d like to say?

[Samurai grunts some last Japanese-sounding gibberish before expiring]

Mr. Dantley: He said… “Losebud.” [Rhyming with “Rosebud”]

Don Pardo (V.O.): This has been the last episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.”

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Schiller’s Reel

[As Pardo speaks, an academy leader counts down from 5 to 2, then the handwritten words “Schiller’s Reel” are seen.]

Don Pardo: Because of the subject matter, the following film by Tom Schiller will be presented in black and white.

[The following words scroll up the screen as a deep-voiced announcer speaks them. Funereal organ music plays.]

DEATH
The Great Enigma

What happens when we die?
What is on the other side?

Now mankind has startling new evidence from people declared clinically “dead” who have returned to tell of their experience. [Announcer says “experiences” despite caption]

Their descriptions are so similar… so vivid… that they may change mankind’s view of life, death and survival forever.

LIFE AFTER DEATH
a report from the other side

[A man of about 50 years old speaks to the unseen documentarian. Throughout the next three shots, ominous woodwind-sounding music builds.]

Man: I can remember… the nurses… saying something about “code pink,” and then clearly I remember… one of the doctors saying “he’s gone.” …I couldn’t understand how they could be so worried, when… I felt so happy to be outside of my body, and so peaceful. It was fabulous. Everything was bathed in a, an eerie white light… suddenly I found myself in a huge, white room… where I had to take a number and be seated.

[Another man, perhaps 60, speaks to the offscreen filmmaker.]

Man 2: I must have died, because I recognized my body was rising up, like an elevator. And I was passing through these rounds of light, and time, and space, and all of a sudden I came to this area which was filled blindingly with light and energy and space… and I had to take a number and sit down.

[A woman in her twenties speaks]

Woman: I was flying down this… corridor, with this… blue light, and… um, I ended up in this room where I had to reach up, and take a number, and then sit down.

[The camera tracks in slowly on a mechanical sign reading NOW SERVING 32. The studio audience begins applauding; the second digit turns over to 3.]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Boggles Own Mind” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

The Rickey Rat Club

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Mike… Michael O’Donoghue
Willard… Bill Murray
Ben… Garrett Morris
Stinky… Laraine Newman
Slezeball… John Belushi
Phlegma… Jane Curtin
Scumbo… Dan Aykroyd
Annette… Gilda Radner
Bucky… Buck Henry

[Open on MR. MIKE seated in an armchair]

Mr. Mike: Hi. I’m Mr. Mike. Perhaps you remember me from my impression of Mike Douglas plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into his eyes. Or perhaps, from my impression of Tony Orlando and Dawn plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into their eyes. Or maybe from my impression of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into their eyes. But enough about me, and on with the show. Are you ready, Rat-keteers?

Offstage Shouts: READY, MR. MIKE!!!

Mr. Mike: OK, then it’s time for Mr. Mike’s Rickey Rat Club!

[Dissolve to a drum satirizing the 1950s “Mickey Mouse Club” logo, with art of a menacing rat and the words RICKEY RAT CLUB. Pull out to see the Rat-keteers- cast members wearing rat ears, noses, and tails- surrounding the drum. They sing a parody of the “Mickey Mouse Club” theme. Behind them, the set is decorated like urban blight. “DANGER CONSTRUCTION AREA” and “POST NO BILLS” are written on the walls]

Rat-Keteers: (singers)
Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me?
R-I-C, K-E-Y,
R-A-T-(two drumbeats)

Rickey Rat-

Stinky: Sammy Slug!

Rat-Keteers: (singing) Rickey Rat-

Stinky: Sammy Slug!

Rat-Keteers: (singing)
Forever let us hang our rat (???) high,
HIGH! HIGH! HIGH!
Come along and sing our song and join the jamboree,
R-I-C, K-E-Y,
R-A-T- (two drumbeats)
YAAAAAY!

Bucky: Hey, hey! OK! Rat-keteer roll call, count off now!

[RAT-KETEERS march in a line and call off their names in turn]

Willard: Willard!

Ben: Ben!

Stinky: Stinky!

slezeball: Slezeball!

Phlegma: Phlegma!

Scumbo: Scumbo!

Annette: Annette!

Bucky: And Bucky!… Hiya, Rat-keteers!

Rat-Keteers: HIYA, BUCKY!

Bucky: Do you all know what today is?

Rat-Keteers: ANYTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN DAY!

Bucky: That’s right, Rat-keteers, and why do we have Anything Bad Can Happen Day?

Rat-Keteers: SO SOMETHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!

Bucky: Thaaat’s right! And why is it good for something bad to happen?

Phlegma: ‘Cause real life is full of horrible things and the faster we learn to like it, the better!

Bucky: That’s right, Phlegm-o[sic], it’s a dog-eat-dog jungle out there, and I’m training you kids to come out on the top of the heap, just like Rickey did!

Stinky: Oh, Bucky? Some of us who’ve never been Rat-keteers before were wondering what happened to the Rat-keteers from last year!

Bucky: Well, Stinky, remember when we helped science by confining all the Rat-keteers in a small, dark closet to see if they’d turn homosexual?

slezeball: Ohhh… You mean on, uh, Overcrowding Day!

Bucky: That’s right, Slezeball! Well, the experiment was a big success, and almost all of them came out of the closet!

Rat-Keteers: YAAAAYYY!

Phlegma: Anyway, it’s FUN being a Rat-keteer!

Annette: Yeah, we love Rickey, ’cause he’s not some cute, stupid cartoon mouse like Mickey!

Ben: We love Rickey ’cause he’s a rat, and he’s real, and he’s from Harlem!

slezeball: Yeah! Well, we love him ’cause he came up the hard way, just like Rocky, y’know?

Rat-Keteers: Yeah!

Stinky: Hey! Where IS Rickey?

Rat-Keteers: Yeah! We wanna see Rickey!

Bucky: Okay, Scumbo, Bring out Rickey!

[SCUMBO hands BUCKY a small cage containing a live rat]

Bucky: [attempting to make the rat talk via ventriloquism] “Hiii, Rat-keteers!”

Rat-Keteers: HI, RICKEY!

Scumbo: Wait a minute, Bucky! This isn’t the same Rickey from last week!

Stinky: Yeah, this doesn’t look like Rickey!

Willard: Well, this ISN’T Rickey! Our Rickey had progressive tail mange!

Bucky: (groping for an alibi) Uh… well! Uh… yeah, that’s right! Uh, this is… This is Rickey’s twin brother, DICKEY! This is DICKEY Rat!

Rat-Keteers: Ohhhhh…

Scumbo: What happened to Rickey, Bucky?

Bucky: Uh, this week Rickey’s been helping science!

Scumbo: Doing what?

Bucky: Testing cyclamates!

Ben: Is that where he is now?

Bucky: No, actually, he’s… he’s in rat hospital. And he says to say hello, and that you should all make Dickey here feel welcome!

slezeball: Wait a minute, what’s wrong with, uhhh, Rickey?

Bucky: Well, he’s got this… he’s got this sort of little cyst on his little rat liver.

Rat-Keteers: Ohhhhh…

Annette: Well, Bucky, can we visit him?

Bucky: Not today, Annette. He’s having some tests done.

Stinky: Well, can we see him tomorrow?

Bucky: It’s really not a good idea.

Ben: Well, how about next week?

Bucky: That’s doubtful. That’s doubtful.

Stinky: Well, will he ever be able to come back to the show again?

Bucky: We’ll know on Monday!

Rat-Keteers: “Ohhh,” “that’s horrible,” etc.

Bucky: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, what did you expect on Anything Bad Can Happen Day? Come on! Snap out of it, Rat-keteers! Is… Hey, is anyone hungry for rat-snacks? Hmm? We’ve got eggshells, coffee grounds, glass shards, and tick larvae! How about you, Slezeball?

slezeball: Nah, I ate before the show.

Bucky: OK… then are we all set to play “Cheese or Electric Shock?” Phlegma?

Phlegma: No… it hurts too much.

Bucky: (making one last try) OK… who’s ready to be exposed to Mister Atomic Waste? Annette?

Annette: Not me, I hate games that make my hair fall out!

Bucky: (exasperated) You know, I had you kids all wrong? I thought you were tough, I thought you could take it! You know, Rickey’s gonna be watching this show from his little Rat-ke-hospital bed. And he’s sure gonna be disappointed in you.

Rat-Keteers: (ashamed) Ohhh…

Scumbo: We didn’t know Rickey’d be watching! Is it too late to help?

Bucky: Well, are you all with me, Rat-keteers?

Rat-Keteers: YEAHHH!

Bucky: Good! Then after the show, WE can help science and test children’s flammable sleepwear!

Rat-Keteers: YAAAYYY!

Bucky: And in the meantime, why don’t we sing our goodbye song, to DICKEY?

Rat-Keteers: “OK!” “Sure!” etc.
(singing)
Now it’s time to say goodbye
To all our family…
D-I-C…

Bucky: See you in the sewer, suckers!

Rat-Keteers: (singing) …K-E-Y…

Why? Because we’re vermin!

Rat-Keteers: (singing) R… A… T!

Bucky: Hey! Why don’t we take Dickey out of his cage and give him a big Rat-ke-cheer?

Rat-Keteers: “OK!” “Yeah!” etc.

[They place Dickey on a small trampoline and toss him in the air twice as they cheer]

Yaaaaay, DICKEY!
Yaaaaay, DICKEY!
Yaaaaay, DICKEY RAT CLUB!

[On the third toss, the rat flies into the audience]

[Applause]

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

A.M.O.A. Sanitized Motel

Spokesman… Dan Aykroyd
Maid… Garrett Morris

[Open on a heraldic crest for the American Motel Owners Association: A broad stripe with the letters AMOA divides a shield. Above the stripe is a drinking glass sealed in plastic, below it is an electric motel sign. Below the shield is a ribbon with the word “Sanitized.”]

[A technical error prevents the DON PARDO voiceover from being properly heard. We can barely hear the words “American Motel Owners Association.”]

SPOKESMAN enters holding a wrapped, sanitized glass.

Spokesman: Did you know that there are over 800,000 motels in America? And did you know that “motel” means “service?” [Removes glass from wrapper] That means that we have to sanitize over 5 billion drinking glasses and commodes a year! How do motel glasses and toilet seats earn our sanitized wrapper seals? Watch!

[The camera pans away from SPOKESMAN and still pictures replace the crest via blue-screen.]

[Pictures show a large tanker truck being dispatched to a motel and TECHNICIANS in protective suits entering with heavy equipment]

Seconds after the last guest has checked out of his room, a Sani-mobile lab unit like the one pictured here is dispatched to the motel requiring sanitization! Our crack team of sanitization technicians arrives at the motel, armed with the latest in modern motel sanitization equipment!

[Pictures show TECHNICIANS blasting bathroom fixtures with flame, then rinsing them]

Immediately they visit the contaminated bathroom, and ignite powerful buty-oxy-acetylene torches, providing a powerful gas flame which was developed during our Vietnam conflict! Soon they’re raising the temperature of all glass, chrome and porcelain to a scorching 1500 degrees Kelvin! Oooh! That’s enough to destroy all fungus or viral life for up to a thousand hours! Heat like that needs a special high-powered bath coolant hosedown of SO2 disinfectant and industrial perfumes to make motel bathrooms springtime fresh!

[Pictures show EXPERTS in lab coats and clipboards painstakingly examining the bathroom fixtures with instruments]

Next, trained experts from independent clinical laboratories perform a thorough final inspection after exhausting and rigorous tests!

[Pictures show MAID adding “Sanitized for your protection” wrappers to toilet seat and glasses]

With the inspectors’ clearance comes the real heroine of our story, a skilled motel service person who executes the laboratories’ decision with experience and mastery that only comes with years of motel service employment! The job is nearly done, the wrappers are in place, and this motel bathroom is as pure and antiseptic as a private hospital!

[Pictures show entire crew smiling]

The entire crew proudly salutes YOU, the motel guests, for making their work possible!

Crest re-appears, camera pans back to SPOKESMAN holding a toilet seat with sanitization strip]

So when you break that seal- [Opens the toilet seat, breaking the strip] -you know it’s- [peers through the hole of the seat] -Sanitized for your protection!

[Applause]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Farewell TV Appearance” ]

[ fade ]

Thanks to Tim Harrod for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Dave Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Connie Crawford
…..Gov. Richard Kneip
…..Miskel Spillman
…..Buck Henry

BUCK and FINALISTS take center stage.

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. We will eschew the customary monologue because this is a very special show, as you already know. Out of 150,000 postcards sent in from all over the country, from every state in America, we have selected these five amazingly brave people standing behind me… to be the finalists in the ‘Anyone Can Host The Saturday Night Show’ contest. Now, we had of course to BURN two-thirds of the cards for obscenity and weirdness, and out of the others we’ve chosen these people, and we think that this is a good time for you to meet them. Because after all, one of these people, the one you pick, will host the Christmas show. That means you can use the ballot in TV Guide, or you can write us a letter or a postcard, defining exactly who you want to be the host on Christmas. So, let’s meet them all one at a time and get to know them. First of all, wearing the letter A, The Governor of South Dakota, Richard Kneip.

[Applause]

Yes, that’s right, a real live governor. Now, Governor, exactly what is it that makes you feel that you’re qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Gov. Dick Kneip: Well, Buck, you and others know, or think at least, that a fella by the name of Ford had a little trouble coming on this show, but I’ve got nine good reasons why I’d like to host the show. First of all, I’ve got 8 sons and a lovely wife, Nancy, I’ve got a good staff back home, they want me to do it, So I- y’know, I guess I think I could do it. A lot of people from, uh, South Dakota are known around the world. Uhhh…

Buck Henry: Could you name one or two of them?

Gov. Dick Kneip: Uhhh… my second cousin is the General Manager of the Los Angeles Rams; A good Democratic friend of mine that ran for Governor of South Dakota owns the, uh, Miami Dolphins… Uh…

Buck Henry: Okay! That’s two!

Gov. Dick Kneip: [beginning of line is off-mike and inaudible] -ran for president-

Buck Henry: Oh, there’s three-

Gov. Dick Kneip: -so this might be my claim to fame!

Buck Henry: OK, Governor, thank you very much. That’s Governor Kneip! Wearing the letter A!

[applause]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we’d like you to meet… Connie Crawford, wearing the letter B!

[applause]

Connie, come on down here. What, uh, what year are you in at, uh, Vassar, Connie?

Connie Crawford: I’m just a freshman.

Buck Henry: Just a freshman, and yet you had the nerve to come down here and expose yourself, so to speak, to this depraved audience. Exactly why do you think that you’re better qualified, or best qualified, to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Connie Crawford: I’ve been a groupie for two years!

Buck Henry: Of the show, or just of anyone in general?

Connie Crawford: [laughs] Ohhh, the show! This show, most definitely. I’m one of these nauseatingly enthusiastic-type people, you know, go for all the gusto you can get, that sort of thing… so, I’m in!

Buck Henry: Do you have any special talents?

Connie Crawford: Everything!

Buck Henry: Well, that is special! OK, Connie! Thanks a lot… that’s Connie Crawford!

[applause]

Connie Crawford, with the letter B! And now third, wearing the letter C, David Lewis, the dropout! The unemployed kid from Oregon! C’mon, David!

[applause]

Clearly, from the sound of the applause, there are a number of unemployed dropouts here… David… David, uh, what makes you think that, uh, this kind of job, hosting Saturday Night show [sic] is right for you?

Dave Lewis: Well, uh, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m unemployed, because I haven’t been unemployed for that long. You see, I- just until recently I worked as an interior decorator in a turkey farm. And, uh, I was grossly underpaid! and I wanted to ask for a raise, but you see the boss, he has this, uhhhhh… speech impediment. And, it’s kinda embarrassing to talk to him. But just this last week I… I- I couldn’t wait any longer. so I went into his office and I looked him straight in the eye and I said, “Look, you’re gonna give me a raise or I’m gonna host ‘Saturday Night!'” And he gets up from his desk, and I was scared, he looks at me and he goes:

[Dave then gobbles like a turkey. Seeing it is no funnier than reading it. Dave bombs.]

Buck Henry: OK, back to your position, letter C.

[applause]

Obviously we didn’t throw ALL of the weird letters away. That’s David Crawford, uh, David Lewis, wearing the letter C. And now, meet Deb Blair, the mom, from Peoria!

[applause]

Nice to see you, Deb! Now, what brings you all this way? What provoked you to write that card and tell us that you feel you are qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Deb Blair: Well, I have three sons back home in Peoria; Bill, Jody and Jonathon. And they only listen to people on TV. So I thought if I could host your show, maybe I could tell them something!

[hearty applause]

Buck Henry: That certainly makes a lot of sense. That’s Deb Blair, and she’s wearing the letter D! And now, ladies and gentlemen, last, certainly- CERTAINLY not least, wearing the letter E, remember the letter E, Mrs. Miskel Spillman, our grandma!

[applause]

Mrs. Spillman, have you ever been in New York before?

Miskel Spillman: No, I’ve never been in New York, I’ve never been in an airplane.

Buck Henry: Really? Well, this is New York, the airplane was the thing that brought you here. Um-

Miskel Spillman: I think it’s marvelous-

Buck Henry: You do?

Miskel Spillman: I think New York’s wonderful.

Buck Henry: Well, we think you’re terrific to come here. Now, how did you happen to write that- that strange postcard that led you to this place?

Miskel Spillman: Well, I love everyone in the cast. I watch it every Saturday night. And I thought, as I am 80 years old, I want a lot of old, old people all over the world to watch it, to get the thrill that I have every Saturday night watching it.

Buck Henry: OK, folks-

[enthusiastic applause]

-you’ve heard it, from Mrs. Spillman. She wants to thrill those 80-year-olds. So don’t forget- now you’re gonna see these people, you’re gonna see these folks throughout the show, in various places doing various bizarre things. Remember the letters: A is the gov! B is the co-ed! C is the unemployed kid! D is the mom! And E is granny! Please!

[Fade out]

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry
…..Richard Kneip
…..Connie Crawford
…..David Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Miskel Spillman

Buck Henry: Uh, the date of the show that will be hosted by the one that you select, will be Decmber 17th. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] In this copy of TV Guide, the one that’s out this week, there is a ballot. [ he flips the magazine open ] Can you get a picture of that, David? Here it is.

[ cut to close-up of the ballot ]

Buck Henry: This actual ballot will allow you to put a name, a letter, or a bizarre description of the candidate YOU wish to host on December 17th. Now, maybe they’d like to have a couple of words to say in their own defense. Governor! Letter A!

Richard Kneip: Buck, I just have to tell my eight sons personally —

Buck Henry: NOT by name! No, we don’t have enough time.

Richard Kneip: — and my staff, who have worked so hard to get me on this show, that, hey! I don’t want to do it! So, all you people

Buck Henry: Yuo heard it! He wants your vote, ladies and gentlemen! That’s the Guv, Letter A! And now, the co-ed, Letter B!

Connie Crawford: Well, because of this contest, I’m failing all my classes, so… if I host, at least I’ll be able to pass Drama.

Buck Henry: Terrific! Okay —

Connie Crawford: [ she rubs Buck’s ear ] Remember me, Buck…

Buck Henry: [ tingling ] I sure will, Connie! That’s the co-ed, Letter B! Letter C, the unemployed kid from Oregon. What do you have to say, David?

David Lewis: Well, you know, I was just thinking: you know, chastity is a virtue that’s overlooked by a lot of us.

Buck Henry: I hardly know what to answer to that, and I don’t think I will. Get back in line!

David Lewis: C! You know, like “C” for Chastity!

Buck Henry: Get back in line! D! Mom, from Peoria!

Deb Blair: I want to say something to everybody out there that’s ever had a mother: In honor of your mom, vote for D!

Buck Henry: Most of you have mothers, you may know what she’s talking about. Come on, Grandma! Letter E! What do you have to say?

Miskel Spillman: I just want to say I’ve had the most wonderful time of my life!

Buck Henry: Ah!

Miskel Spillman: In my whole 80 years, I’ve had the most wonderful time!

Buck Henry: Well, it’s been a great 80 years for us! [ Mrs. Spillman kisses Buck on the cheek ] Okay, folks! Thank you very much for coming! [ he looks past the contestants ] Cast? Come out! Thank you all very much, and good night!

[ dissolve to ANYONE CAN HOST slide ]

Announcer: Send your TV Guide ballot or postcard with your vote to:

ANYONE CAN HOST
Box 722
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019

All ballots must be postmarked before November 13th, and you may vote for only one contestant.

[ dissolve back to everyone waving at Home Base, as the credits begin to scroll ]

Announcer: Mr. Mike was Michael O’Donoghue. Next week, a “Saturday Night Live” repeat show, with host Lily Tomlin and musical guest James Taylor. We’ll be back, live, three weeks from tonight on December 10th, when our “Saturday Night” host will be Mary Kay Place with musical guest Willie Nelson, and Andy Kaufman. This is your old turkey, Don Pardo, inviting you to have a safe and sane Thanksgiving. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis
Jackie Onassis…..Gilda Radner
…..Tom Schiller
…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller

[ open on animated title sequence ]

Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Home Base, as Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]

Together: Thank you!!

Tom Davis: Thank you very much! You know, ladies and gentlemen, the ratings experts have told us that most of our young viewers out there only know Al and I from this, the new “Franken & Davis Show”, but that they’re really unfamiliar with the rest of our long and distinguished careers in this nutty business.

Al Franken: Well, right you are, Tom! And we’ve brought some pictures to show you young people of our early career, so could we look at those, Davey? I think they’d get a kick out of —

[ dissolve to photo #1: Al and Tom on-camera with Ed Sullivan ]

Al Franken V/O: It all started with our television debut in 1957 on “The Ed Sullivan Show”.

[ cut to photo #2: Al (pantsless) and Tom (both wearing sombreros) ]

Tom Davis V/O: That, of course, led to our own show: “The Lockheed Comedy Hour”.

[ cut to photo #3: Life Magazine’s “F&D Mania” cover story ]

Al Franken V/O: Now, by this time, the whole country was infected with Franken & Davis Mania, and every kid in America wanted curly hair and glasses.

[ cut to photo #3: title card for “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis” ]

Tom Davis V/O: Our next show, of course, the Norman Lear sitcom “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis”. It ran for only half a season because of its controversial nature.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: As you may remember, it was forced off the air by pressure from several Jewish organizations. Uh — soon after, Tom and I, uh — well, we broke up, we had some, uh, well-publicized financial disputes. Let’s not belabor them.

[ cut to photo #4: National Enquirer headline: “WE HATE EACH OTHER” ]

Al Franken V/O: But, uh, we went our separate ways —

[ cut to photo #5: poster: “The Concert For Bangladesh” ]

Al Franken V/O: I organized the Bangladesh concert, as part of my “Feed the Children” program.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Tom Davis: I think a lot of that “Feed the Children” money is still in escrow. I think. Isn’t that right, Al?

Al Franken: [ meekly ] Right. We shouldn’t, uh, mention that…

Tom Davis: Yeah. [ he continues ] Well, then, of course, uh, I was in virtual seclusion, except for my annual Tom Davis Desert Classic —

[ cut to photo $6: Tom standing on a golf course ]

Tom Davis V/O: Here I am with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and boy what a game he had that day!

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: Boy, what a round. And, of course, as show biz legend has it, we were brought together by our… close and dear friend Jacqueline Onassis.

Tom Davis: That’s right! And, as a matter of fact, tonight that’s our special guest star on “The FRanken & Davis Show”! Won’t you give a warm welcome… to Jackie Onassis!

[ Onassis happily runs onto the stage, dressed in her outfit from the trip to Dallas fourteen years earlier ]

Tom Davis: Your sostuming and make-up are stunning, as usual, Jackie.

Jackie Onassis: Oh, thank you!

Al Franken: Jackie, as you know, uh — as you well know, I was a great admirer of your late husband.

Tom Davis: Well, I think we’re all great admirers of him.

Jackie Onassis: Well, uh — I think everyone remembers where he or she was when Aristotle Onassis died.

Al Franken: I know I do. Tom and I were at NBC Burbank, taping a Gold Diggers special, as a matter of fact.

Tom Davis: That’s — that’s right, Al. But, you know, if it wasn’t for this lady right here, I wouldn’t be here tonight. Because, about a year ago last Thanksgiving, I almost choked to death.

Al Franken: That’s right…

[ dissolve to the flashback, set inside Tom’s lavish Palm Springs apartment ]

Tom Davis V/O: You see, I had just invited a lot of show business and celebrity friends over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, and Jackie just happened to drop by. Fortunately, we had enough food. Fortunately… for me.

[ reveal Jackie at the table, yukking it up with Tom’s celebrity guests ]

Jackie Onassis: This part is really gonna kill ya’! So, the guy said —

Tom Davis: He said, “Wait a minute! Everyone, please hurry up and eat, because we’ve only got twenty minutes ’til kick-off, and I want to watch that game!”

Al Franken: Tom! Tom! You interrupted Jackie’s joke about the 500-pound gorilla!

Tom Davis: I’m sorry, Jackie — go ahead.

Jackie Onassis: That’s alright! [ she continues ] So, the guy says: “Anywhere he wants!”

[ the crowd roars with laughter, as Tom suddenly rises and begins to grab at his neck ]

Jackie Onassis: [ pointing ] Oh! Look at the funny faces Tom’s making!

[ everyone laughs at Tom, as he attempts to indicate to them that he’s choking ]

Al Franken: Wha — what are you doing, Tom? Charades? Charades!

[ everyone gets excited at the idea of playing along ]

[ Tom holds up one finger ]

Al Franken: First word! First word!

[ Tom holds up the turkey ]

Al Franken: Sounds like…

[ Tom points at his neck ]

Al Franken: Neck!

Jackie Onassis: Collar!

Al Franken: Throat! Uh — uh — choking!

[ Tom now encourages Al on ]

Al Franken: Sounds like “choking”!

Jackie Onassis: Uhhh — choking — smoking — OH! Tom’s choking! He’s choking!

[ everyone laughs at Tom ]

[ Tom pushes all the plates and utensils aside, clears a swatch of tablecloth and begins pouring gravy on it ]

Jackie Onassis: Wait a minute, what are —

Tom Schiller: Wait a minute! He’s writing something with the gravy!

Jackie Onassis: What is it?

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Oh! Chicken!

Jackie Onassis: Chicken?

Al Franken: What’s he saying? Chun King! You want Chinese food?

Woman: Tokyo?

[ Tom breakings down the two syllables with the gravy boat ]

All: CHO-KING! CHO-KING! CHO-KING!

Al Franken: Choking!

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Choking!

Al Franken: Choking!

Jackie Onassis: [ frightened ] OH, MY GOD!! TOM’S CHOKING!!

Al Franken: OH, NO!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHAT DO YOU DO?! WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?!

[ Tom grabs Al and demonstrates the Heimlich Maneuver; Al, of course, doesn’t get it ]

Al Franken: YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU? DANCE WITH YOU? NO?!

[ Tom shoves Al aside ]

Jackie Onassis: [ running forward ] OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!! I UNDERSTAND!! WAIT A MINUTE!! LIKE THIS!!

[ Jackie grabs Tom from behind and administers the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge chunk of food flies out of Tom’s mouth. Everyone “eughs”. ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Thanks a lot! Good night!

Al Franken: Good night! Good night, everybody!

[ pull out to wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Overcoming Your Fear of Widths” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

The Anyone Can Host Contest Finalists

…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris
NBC Page…..Neil Levy
…..Dave Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Connie Crawford
…..Gov. Dick Kneip
…..Miskel Spillman
…..Buck Henry

[Network Card: “The Waltons Eat Their Young”]

Don Pardo: “The Waltons Eat Their Young” will not be seen tonight so that NBC may present the following special program.

[Cast ‘locker room,’ GARRETT and GILDA talk]

Gilda Radner: Garrett?

Garrett Morris: Huh?

Gilda Radner: Have you met- um- the five finalists of the ‘Anyone Can Host’ contest yet?

Garrett Morris: No, have you?

Gilda Radner: No, I didn’t, but I can’t wait to. You know, out of 150,000 entries, the five finalists, they actually represent a cross-section of America.

Garrett Morris: Oh, really?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, like there’s, um, there’s a co-ed from Vassar, and there’s a mother of three from Peoria, Illinois, and uh, there’s this unemployed guy from Oregon, and um… oh, and there’s, um, an 80-year old grandmother from New Orleans, and the Governor of South Dakota.

Garrett Morris: Say, uh, the co-ed from Vassar… is she black?

Gilda Radner: Uh, no, Garrett, none of the finalists are black.

Garrett Morris: I knew it. Great cross-section, GREAT cross-section.

Gilda Radner: Oh, well, Garrett… the sixth runner-up was mulatto.

Garrett Morris: Ohhh…

[They wrestle playfully; NBC PAGE enters with finalists.]

NBC Page: Uh, excuse me, Garrett, Gilda? These are the five runners-up… these are actually the five ‘Anyone Can Host’ finalists.

[Hellos all around]

NBC Page: Everybody? Everybody? This is your locker, and uh, if you need anything, need some change for the vending machines downstairs, don’t hesitate to call, OK?

[NBC PAGE leaves. greetings and handshakes all around]

Gilda Radner: Uh, which one of you is which?

Dave Lewis: I’m Dave, the unemployed guy from Oregon.

Gilda Radner: Hi.

Deb Blair: I’m Deb Blair, mother of three from Peoria.

Connie Crawford: I’m Connie, the Vassar co-ed.

Gov. Dick Kneip: I’m Dick, Governor of South Dakota.

Miskel Spillman: I’m Miskel Spillman; I’m old.

[Audience loves this]

BUCK HENRY enters.

Garrett Morris: Hey, Buck! C’mon, Buck. Come on in here!

Gilda Radner: Oh, Hi, Buck. Everyone, this is Buck Henry, he’s hosting the show this week.

[BUCK shakes hands with finalists]

Garrett Morris: All right, my man!

Buck Henry: Now, let me see. Uhhh… you must be the Vassar co-ed.

Connie Crawford: Yeah.

Buck Henry: Terrific. And, uh, let’s see, you’re the mother of three from Peoria.

Deb Blair: You bet.

Buck Henry: I guess you’re Mrs. Spillman, ’cause you’re old, huh?

Miskel Spillman: That’s right.

Buck Henry: OK… [to DICK] And I guess that means you must be the unemployed kid from, uh, from Oregon?

Gov. Dick Kneip: No, I’m the Governor of South Dakota.

Buck Henry: Ah, well, sometimes it’s hard to tell. [To DAVE] So YOU’RE the unemployed kid from Oregon!

Dave Lewis: Right on!

Buck Henry: How are you, pal?

Dave Lewis: All right.

Buck Henry: Now, listen! Are you people all set for the show?

All Finalists: No.

Buck Henry: Well, if you don’t know what to do, you just follow me. Because, uh, this is my fifth time here as host, and I’ll, I’ll try and, you know, set everything up so it’ll be easy for you. Have you, uh, seen a script yet?

All Finalists: No.

Connie Crawford: We’ve only been given one line.

Buck Henry: Well, can I hear it?

All Finalists: “Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Little Chocolate Donuts

Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis

Announcer…..Marv Albert
…..John Belushi
Other Runners…..Tom Davis, Neil Levy

[ open on John Belushi, Decathalon Champion, preparing to do the Olympic high jump on a sports field ]

Announcer: John Belushi is on his way to a gold medal in the Decathlon! They’re setting the bar at seven feet – here’s his approach.

[ John Belushi runs toward the bar. Quick cut to John jumping over the top of the bar. Quick cut to John landing on the grass. ]

Announcer: He got it! Belushi’s won the gold, now he’s going for the world’s record!

[ cut to John Belushi running a long-distance sprint against other runners; he wins the race, and his fans crowd around him ]

[ cut to John seated like Bruce Jenner at his breakfast nook ]

John Belushi: [ as he holds a lit cigarette ] I logged a lot of miles training for that day. And I downed a lot of doughnuts. Little Chocolate Donuts. They taste good, and they’ve got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That’s why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

[ cut to John Belushi going for the gold in the pole vault ]

Announcer: Little Chocolate Donuts. The donuts of champions.

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on applauding woman with SUPER: “One Jump Behind Us” ]

[ after repeat on 04/08/78, dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Peaking” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts