Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

How Your Children Grow

…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Richard Dalton…..Buck Henry
Francine…..Gilda Radner
Assistant…..Laraine Newman

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Jane Curtin ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to “How Your Children Grow”. My guest tonight is one of America’s foremost behavioral scientists, who’s here to discuss his research on problems in learning difficulties. His name is Dr. Richard Dalton. Welcome.

Dr. Richard Dalton: Thank you,

Francine: [ drawing each symbol with her fingers ] Comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: Jane.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: It’s very nice to be here!

Francine: Exclamation point!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she chuckles and bites into the cookie ] Dr. Dalton, when did you first become involved with your work with the handicapped?

Dr. Richard Dalton: About twelve —

Francine: Dash!

Dr. Richard Dalton: thirteen years ago.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: I was fresh out of college

Francine: Parentheses!

Dr. Richard Dalton: (I went to Harvard)

Francine: Closed parentheses!

Dr. Richard Dalton: where I got a phD.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: in Speech Therapy.

Francine: Period!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Why did you choose this field, sir?

Dr. Richard Dalton: Why?

Francine: Question mark!

Dr. Richard Dalton: I guess because it’s so…

Francine: Dot-dot-dot!

Dr. Richard Dalton: damn rewarding.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: Years ago, Jane —

Francine: Dash!

Dr. Richard Dalton: my father told me that

Francine: Quotation mark!

Dr. Richard Dalton: “if I could just help one person in the world,

Francine: Comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: then surely I would be looked upon favorably by the Lord!”

Francine: Exclamation point! Closed quotation!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Your father sounds like a wise man. Is he still alive?

Dr. Richard Dalton: No, Jane…

Francine: Dot-dot-dot!

Dr. Richard Dalton: he had a tumor —

Francine: Dash!

Dr. Richard Dalton: the doctors removed half his colon;

Francine: Semi-colon!

Dr. Richard Dalton: before he lapsed into a coma,

Francine: Comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: and then died.

Francine: Period!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Dr. Dalton, what causes learning disabilities?

Dr. Richard Dalton: It’s really hard to say, Jane —

Francine: Dash!

Dr. Richard Dalton: we’re still learning about it with hopes that determining that cause will give us insights into treatment.

Francine: Period!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]cThank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] We’ve read that many people who’ve worked in your field are assisted by people who indeed, themselves, have similar problems. It makes them more empathetic. Are these your assistants?

Dr. Richard Dalton: Yes, they are.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: Two years ago, I was at a party at my friend’s house.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: I saw Francine just sitting there;

Francine: Semi-colon!

Dr. Richard Dalton: and punctuating!

Francine: Exclamation point!

Dr. Richard Dalton: Just sitting there —

Francine: Dash!

Dr. Richard Dalton: saying words like:

Francine: Colon!

Dr. Richard Dalton: period,

Francine: Comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: colon,

Francine: Comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: exclamation point,

Francine: Comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: and,

Francine: Optional comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: dash.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: I hired her on the spot.

Francine: Period!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: Very interesting. And your other assistant, what type of problem does she have?

Dr. Richard Dalton: None that we can determine.

Francine: Period!

Dr. Richard Dalton: As far as we know —

Francine: Dash!

Dr. Richard Dalton: She’s just some dumbo who likes th ring a bell and point to her right.

Francine: Period.

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Just how do these assistants help you in your research, Doctor?

Dr. Richard Dalton: They have helped me prove all of my theorums, except for one —

Francine: Dash!

Dr. Richard Dalton: which we’re still working on.

Francine: Period!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Which one is that?

Dr. Richard Dalton: My attempt to disprove the validity of the conditioned reflexes described by Pavlov, whose dogs were taught to salivate at the sound of a bell.

Francine: Period![ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who doesn’t give Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: [ lightly salivating ] Well, good luck with it! And I’ve always questioned the man myself! [ she chuckles nervously ]

Dr. Richard Dalton: Thank you very much,

Francine: Comma!

Dr. Richard Dalton: Jane.

Francine: Period!

[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who doesn’t give Jane a cookie ]

Jane Curtin: [ salivating more wildly, with her hand extended ] Thank you for joining us. Uh — [ she reaches over and grabs the basket of cookies ] Good night, and tune in next week!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Good night, and have a good summer! [ acknowledges the Land Shark crouched next to him ] Thanks to my guest, the Shark!

[ Buck peers into the mouth of the Land Shark, as it stands on two legs and closes its mouth over Buck’s head ]

Announcer: The Land Shark, the jockey, and the horse were all played by Chevy Chase. Next week, a “Saturday Night” rerun with host Broderick Crawford. We’ll return live on Spetember 24th. This is Don Pardo, and I’m sending my voice to summer camp! Good night!

[ Chevy Chase kneels on the stage and pokes his head from out of the Land Shark’s mouth ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Return Of The Coneheads

Dr. Ray Bondish…..Buck Henry
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Kuldroth…..John Belushi
Mentuk…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, Conehead residence, as the doorbell rings ]

[ Prymaat Conehead enters the living room and answers the door to Dr. Ray Bondish, who holds a triangular piece of metal ]

[ SUPER: “Return Of The Coneheads” ]

Prymaat Conehead: Greetings!

Dr. Ray Bondish: Is this the home of Beldar Conehead?

Prymaat Conehead: Correct! Enter! [ she closes the door as he enters, then she faces the stairs ] Beldar, I summon you!

Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, let me guess — I’ll bet you’re Mrs. Conehead?

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat!

[ he nods, as Beldar runs down the stairs ]

Beldar Conehead: Please enter! Be seated!

Dr. Ray Bondish: Thank you.

Beldar Conehead: [ muttering under his breath ] Human…

[ they all ake a seat on the couch ]

Dr. Ray Bondish: Uhhh —

[ Beldar and Prymaat lean in and stare into Dr. Bondish’s eyeballs ]

Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead, I am Dr. Ray Bondish. I’m assigned to the United States Air Force Aerospace Defense command in Wormling, Arizona.

Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Arizona?

Prymaat Conehead: Arizona. In Arizona, in the southwest, features good oxygen quality, a high concentration of human retirement colonies, desert reptiles, and domestic handgun ownership.

[ Beldar and Prymaat lean in and stare into Dr. Bondish’s eyeballs ]

Dr. Ray Bondish: Five days ago, this object entered the Earth’s atmosphere and fell from the sky and into the parking lot of a Taco Bell in downtown Tucson.

Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Taco?

Prymaat Conehead: Taco. A folded starch disc encasing vegetable substances and shredded flesh of hooved mammals.

Dr. Ray Bondish: Mr. Conehead, in my time in the Air Force, I’ve seen a lot of space garbage hit the globe — but this hunk has me beat. You know, we can’t figure out what kind of metal this thing is made from, and we had no clues until yesterday, when one of our investigators made a breakthrough discovery: [ he turns the piece of metal on its side ] your name and address on the side of the object.

Beldar Conehead: [ reading ] “Beldar Conehead, 2-1-3-0 Pineway Drive, Parkwood Hills, New Jersey, U.S.A.” Correct. Yes. Thank you. [ he stands and whips out a stack of bills from his breast pocket ] Please accept this cash gratutity. Don’t disperse it all in one locality.

Dr. Ray Bondish: No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute, Mr. Conehead. I don’t think you understand. The Aerospace Defense Command has assigned me to gind out what this object is, and where it came from.

Beldar Conehead: [ quickly ] It is a communication from Remulak!

Dr. Ray Bondish: Remulak?

Beldar Conehead: Remulak. A small town in France! This is a postcard from France! You see… we come from France!

[ Connie Conehead enters the room ]

Connie Conehead: Attention, parental units! I am splitting now to itneract with my human friends at the shopping plaza!

Prymaat Conehead: No, Connie! You cannot go!

Connie Conehead: But, Mom! I cleaned up my sleep chamber!

Beldar Conehead: Connie… we have received a vital communication from Remulak. Koldropth the High Master of Starfab Megazone has demanded that we return at once! To our home… in France!

Dr. Ray Bondish: Wait a minute! You know… I’ve bicycled through FRance twenty-seven times, and I’ve NEVER heard of Remulak. Parlais-vous Francaise?

Prymaat Conehead: Oui!

Connie Conehead: Oui! Ne parlaiz-vous Francais!

Prymaat Conehead: Salud! Entre!

[ Beldar rattles a fancy French phrase ]

Dr. Ray Bondish: That’s a pretty good accent, Beldar, but I don’t think you come from France. I don’t think you come from anywhere near France. I think I know EXACTLY what you people are! You’re Ku Klux Klan!

[ the Coneheads are stunned at this deduction ]

Beldar Conehead: Incorrect! There is no need to deceive the human any longer. [ to Dr. Bondish ] I am Beldar, the first timekeeper from the planet Remulak! Our star cruiser arrived here fifteen years ago! We had instructinos to SEIZE your miserable world!

Prymaat Conehead: Yes. And all was well until you crashed the star cruiser into Lake Michigan.

Beldar Conehead: Let us not get into that… again!

Dr. Ray Bondish: You mean, it’s TRUE?! There IS life on other planets? Flying saucers DO exist! Yuo have so much to TEACH us! Intergalactic travel is possible! I’d love to experience the sensation of flying through space at unthinkable speeds!

All: NO PROBLEM!!!

[ Beldar grabs Dr. Bondish by the collar and tosses him out the front door ]

Beldar Conehead: We must leave at once for the planet Remulak! Gather gifts for the High Master!

Connie conehead: But, Daddy! what manner of conveyance will transport us?

Beldar Conehead: We must drive to the island of Manhatten! There… we find the Chrysler Building! It is the site of the emergency return vehicle which will carry us off the Earth!

Prymaat & Connie: Igbat… Klaatu… Remulak!!

Beldar Conehead: Meet me in the petroleum combustion unit!

[ Beldar exits the house as Prymaat and Connie search for gifts ]

[ fade to black ]

[ open on pre-filmed footage, beginning with Beldar’s driver’s education vehicle sitting in the driveway. Beldar behind the wheel. Prymaat and Connie toss suitcases into the back seat, climb into the vehicle, and Beldar drives off. ]

[ the Coneheads drive down a New Jersey highway while glancing at the New York skyline in the distance ]

[ at a gas station, Beldar fills the tank with gas, then guzzles down a couple of gallons to satisfy his own thirst ]

[ at the New Jersey Turnpike, Beldar pays the toll to cross, receiving a watward glance from the tollwoman before they’re allowed to pass through ]

[ they pass through the tunnel and into Manhatten ]

[ once in the city, they honk at pedestrians on foot ]

[ they wait impatiently while stuck in gridlock traffic ]

[ later, while moving, they point upward in the direction of the Chrsyler Building ]

[ they park at the front entrance to the Chrysler Building, then enter as pedestrians stop to stare at their cones ]

[ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building lifting like a rocket and ascending into outer space ]

[ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building hurtling through space like a rocket ]

[ dissolve to Remulak, High Master and Mentuk watching as a red crystal globe begins to vibrate and shine brightly. They turn to watch as the Coneheads enter. ]

Coneheads: Igbat… Klaatu… Farbat!!

Beldar Conehead: All hail the High Master of Starpath Megdazon!

Kuldroth: Mip! Mip! Mip! How was your journey?

Prymaat Conehead: Satisfactory. We did experience some turbulence near the Crab Nebula.

Kuldroth: Hmm.

Beldar Conehead: We have Earth gifts for you, O High Master!

Kuldroth: Present these objects to me!

[ Beldar holds out a suitcase and opens it. Connie grabs a six-pack of beer. ]

Connie Conehead: This substance is known as beer! Suck back a couple of these!

Kuldroth: Thank you! [ he pulls back the pop tabs ] How… to do?

Beldar Conehead: Consume mass quantities!

Kuldroth: Ah! [ he tosses the six-pack back and chugs the contents ]

Beldar Conehead: Kuldroth! Why have you summoned us from Earth?

Kuldroth: [ hands the six-pack to Mentuk ] The price of Tectorse has been dropped! And forced us to cut back on our space program! The Earth project has been terminated!

Beldar Conehead: That’s the way the klargoth crystals shatter.

Kuldroth: In addition, Mentuk has determined that… your young one… is my genetic mate! I will marry her immediately!

Connie Conehead: Ohhhh, no! What a drag! what a bummer! Why get married? Why not just get it on?

Prymaat Conehead: You’re mistaken, young one! The High Master has asked for your cone. You cannot deny him.

Kuldroth: Mentuk! Mentuk, examine her cone! Be sure I am to be the first!

[ Mentuk hobbles over to Connie to inspect her cone, then gasps before returning to Kuldroth ]

Mentuk: Sorry. This cone has already experienced the sensor riiiiiiings.

Kuldroth: What?!

Connie Conehead: So what? This is the new way I learned from the humans! Yes, my cone has been honed. But this does not mean we still can’t cruise and groove, and have a good time!

Kuldroth: Mut! Well, Beldar — your young one is nothing more than a… common… fluffrag!!

Beldar Conehead: [ he throws the suitcase down ] You can’t call my young one a common fluffrag!!

Kuldroth: Ohhh, yes I can! She is a fluffrag!

Beldar Conehead: She is not! Mip! Arbok!

Kuldroth: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Mip!

Kuldroth: Miiiiip!

Beldar Conehead: Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip!

Kuldroth: I shall take pleasure personally kicking your cone!

[ the two aliens circle one another stealthily, then jump closer and begin to clap their hands between each other’s cones a few times before simultaneously rushing and crashing through the plate glass windows ]

[ Mentuk glances out before finishing off the six-pack of beer ]

Prymaat Conehead: Our home planet of Remulak has scarcely altered since we left.

Connie Conehead: Yes. Let us consume mass quantities — it will be a long time before we get another six-pack.

[ Prymaat, Connie, and Mentuk chug back a six-pack each, as the scene zooms out to a studio wide shot with SUPER: “Coming up Next: How To Forge Mental Notes” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

An Oval Office

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Rosalynn Carter…..Laraine Newman
Miss Lillian Carter…..Gilda Radner

[ open on “A Fireside Chat” White House art card ]

[ Music: “Hail to the Chief” instrumental ]

Announcer: And now, A Fireside Chat, with President Jimmy Carter.

[ dissolve to President Jimmy Carter, dressed in sweatshirt marked “Jimmy” as he smilingly pedals an exercise bike attached to a pair of methane tanks ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, everybody! On many occasions, I’ve — I’ve used symbolic acts to communicate with you. Because I’m aware of symbolism. And, tonight, to symvolize my determination to implement the Carter Energy Program. I’m personally, at this moment, generating all the electricity necessary… to transmit this television broadcast to you! And, you know, there’s enough energy left over to run this electric hot comb. [ he pulls the device out of the bike’s basket, runs it through his hair and smiles ]

Rosalynn Carter: Jimmy! It’s, uh, my turn to power the broadcast now!

President Jimmy Carter: Okay. Ready to make the switch, Rosalynn?

Rosalynn Carter: Okay, now! I’m ready! [ she starts hopping up and down ] 1! 2! 3!

[ Jimmy jumps off one end of the exercise bike, as Rosalynn jumps onto it from the other side. The screen flickers as she pedals quick enough to match Jimmy’s speed. ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good work, honey!

Rosalynn Carter: Thank you, Sugar!

President Jimmy Carter: Almost lost it there!

Rosalynn Carter: [ she laughs ] I know, we did! [ to the camera ] You know, Jimmy’s got his life, and I’ve got mine… but we still find time to run the generator together, don’t we, dear?

President Jimmy Carter: You know, America MUST move away from… liquid fossil fuels. And to encourage that shift, uh — I’m gonna impose a heavy tax on imported crude oil, gasoline, and commercial lubricants such as motor oil and petroleum jelly!

Rosalynn Carter: Lillian, it’s your turn!

President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!

Miss Lillian: [ waking up ] Huh?

Rosalynn Carter: It’s your turn to power the broadcast! Come on!

Miss Lillian: Alright, Rosalynn… here I come… [ she rises from her chair and slowly walks up to the exercise bike ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ smiling to the camera ] Everybody tries to pitch in, as best they can!

Rosalynn Carter: That’s right! [ to Lillian, as she approaches ] Now — now, you ready?

Miss Lillian: Yes…

[ Rosalynn climbs off the exercise bike, as Miss Lillian struggles to lift her leg over the seat. The screen flickers severely. ]

President Jimmy Carter: Keep that pedal going!

Rosalynn Carter: Honey, we’re losing the picture!

[ together, Jimmy and Roselynn move Miss Lillian’s legs up and down the pedals, as she struggles to keep the screen from flickering. ]

President Jimmy Carter: That’s it, Mama!

Miss Lillian: I’d — I’d do ANYTHING for my Jimmy!

President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!

Rosalynn Carter: Keep pedaling, honey!

[ Jimmy and Rosalynn step closer to the camera ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] Let’s forget about the… substance-minded program for a minute. I just want to say I’m doing something personal and —

Miss Lillian: [ struggling ] I’m feeling a little… faint, Jimmy… I don’t know if I can go on any longer…

President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama.

Miss Lillian: No, I’ll do it for you, Jimmy…

President Jimmy Carter: Speed up, Mama. We don’t want to lose that picture. Just a few more minutes.

[ the screen flickers, as Miss Lillian slows down just a bit ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] As I was saying, you can see I’m doing something personally about the energy crisis. I’m about keeping the American family unit working together. And I think — [ turns to see Miss Lillian about to fall off the bike ] Come on, Mama!

Miss Lillian: Yes, I’m doing it, Jimmy…

President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] I think… if you take up the example we’ve set… it’ll all work out for the better. I love you all. Thank you very much.

[ Miss Lillian wears herself out completely, and falls off the exercise bike. The screen flickers and turns to snow. ]

President Jimmy Carter: Mama! Come on, Mama!

Miss Lillian: I’m okay…!

[ the image flickers back into place momentarily, allowing a glimpse of Jimmy and Rosalynn helping Miss Lillian back to the bike ]

President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!

Miss Lillian: I’m doing it…! Anything for my Jimmy…! Anything…!

[ the screen flickers back into place, as we see Miss Lillian back on the bike and pedaling with fury ]

Miss Lillian: I’d do… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


May 21st, 1977

Buck Henry

Jennifer Warnes

Kenny Vance

None

Bella Abzug

Chevy Chase

Edie Baskin

Anne Beatts

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Rosie Shuster

Jim Downey

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Paul Shaffer

Howard Shore

Alan Zweibel
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) uses electricity to deliver his energy-saving message.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalyn Carter, Lillian Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry plans to perform a live sex act with an audience member.

Transcript

Samurai B.M.O.C.Summary: Futaba (John Belushi) faces disciplinary actions as a result of his bad grades.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript

Jennifer Warnes performs “Right Time of the Night”

Shower MikeSummary: From the comfort of his own shower, Richard Herkiman (Bill Murray) interviews his wife (Gilda Radner) and her lover (Buck Henry).

Recurring Characters: Richard Herkiman, Jane Herkiman.

Transcript

Return of the ConeheadsSummary: After receiving a strange message from their home planet, the Coneheads fly the Chrysler Building back to Remulak to await new orders.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Kuldroth.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Seattle Slew’s jockey (Chevy Chase) mumbles his way through the Preakness. Emily Litella reports as Congresswoman Bella Abzug throws her “cat” into the ring. Buck Henry hopes to get laid by Jane Curtin by presenting hr with a phony achievement plaque.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Rhonda Weiss’ Bridal ShowerSummary: Rhonda Weiss (Gilda Radner) receives shower gifts from her friends.

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Barbara.

Transcript

How Your Children GrowSummary: Jane Curtin succumbs to the behavioral patterns of a punctuator patient (Gilda Radner) and a dumbo (Laraine Newman) who keeps ringing a bell.

Transcript

The Alarm ClockSummary: In a film by William Wegman, an alarm clock wake ups his weimaraner Man Ray.

Kenny Vance performs “The Performer”

The Spirit of St. LouisSummary: Charles Lindbergh (Buck Henry) meets the Land Shark (Chevy Chase) during his cross-Atlantic flight to Paris.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark.

Transcript

Howard Shore & SNL Band perform “Departure Lounge”

Michael O’DonoghueSummary: Michael O’Donoghue leads a grand impression of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. gouging their eyes out long with steel needles.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Video Vixens

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Howard Shore

… Shelley Duvall
… Laraine Newman
… Gilda Radner
… Jane Curtin

[In slinky black and gold outfits, host Shelley Duvalland the three female cast members stand at Home Basein front of a glittering curtain. Jane and Larainecarry electric guitars. They are lined up behind fourmicrophones on the stage with their arms raised andtheir backs to the audience. The SNL Band is playingthe opening theme.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, the VideoVixens!

[The opening theme ends. The band launches into thesong “Video Vixens.” SUPER: Video Vixens. A flash oflight, a puff of smoke, and the women turn to face theaudience, hollering things like, “Hey, rock ‘n’ roll!”Throughout the number, they pose as sluttily andprovocatively as possible and sing:]

Vixens: [singing]
They call us joke junkies
And punch line punks
And when we hear them talkin’
We get in coast to coast funks
But they can just say what they want
‘Cause we remember sticks ‘n’
Stones can’t break the bones
Of a Video Vixen

Gilda Radner: Hey! Hey!

[Jane and Laraine throw away their electricguitars.]

Vixens: [singing]
We’re Video Vixens
And this is how we get our licks in
Every week for an hour and a half
All we want to do is make – you –

Gilda Radner: Laugh hard-duh!

Vixens: [faking orgasms] Uh uh uh!

Jane Curtin: Harder!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!

Shelley Duvall: Harder!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!

Laraine Newman: Harderrrrrr!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!
[singing]
When we come on to your screen
It makes us feel just like a queen
All we wanna do once a week
Is to put our tongue in your cheek

Gilda Radner: Baba Wawa makes you feel sogood

Jane Curtin: “Update” makes you happy like Iknew it would

Shelley Duvall: And, as your host, you’llfind me, oh, so nice!

Laraine Newman: When I’m Sherry, you justwant me to do it twice
[shouts]
And the only way we really like it is with fortymillion people watching!

Vixens: [singing]
We’re Video Vixens
And this is how we get our licks in
You turn us on every week, it’s true
That’s why our ratings don’t go down onyou

Jane Curtin: Go down on you!

Gilda Radner: Go down on you!

Shelley Duvall: Go down on you!

Laraine Newman: Go down on you!

Gilda Radner: [imitates Steve Martin] Well,excuuuuuuse me!

Vixens: [chanting]
We ain’t afraid of no one in prime time and theybetter beware
We’d take on Rhoda, Phyllis, or Laverne and Shirley,we swear
Why, if they ever tread on our turf, we’d tear outtheir hair
And that goes twice for Cher!
And after “Victory at Entebbe” we were waitin’ fordays
To beat the livin’ daylights out o’ Helen Hayes!
Helen Hayes! Helen Hayes!
[singing]
We’re media minxes
You know we’re show biz sphinxes
We’re late night lynxes
Our favorite trucks are Brinkses
We’re transfixin’ hicks in the sticks
Not to mention Harrys, Toms and Dicks
We’re Video Vixens
We’re not Jeane Dixon
No dirty tricks ‘n’
Richard Nixon

Gilda and Laraine: We’re Jewishgirls

Jane and Shelley: And we’reshiksens

Vixens: [singing]
But mostly we’re just
Videoooooooo Vixens
[shouting]
Get it – unh!

[Applause as the women march in a circle onstagehollering things like “Rock ‘n’ roll!” beforereturning to the mikes as the song ends. Theybow.]

Shelley Duvall: Yeah! Rock ‘n’ roll! Rock ‘n’roll! Whooo! All right, all right. We’ll be right backafter this message, honey.

[The music returns as the woman dance offstage.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Van Arguments

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Wife…..Shelley Duvall
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Husband and Wife making their way down the cafeteria food line ]

Wife: Does it look like I’ve been cryin’, or does it look like an eye irritation?

Husband: I don’t know, man.

Wife: I hope to God it looks like an eye irritation! The whole world don’t have to know I just bin cryin’ in the K-mart!

Husband: Knock it off, man!

Wife: Standin’ in the checkout line, with tears runnin’ down my cheeks because my husband will not allow me to buy the original soundtrack album of “A Star is Born”! With Barbra Streisand, my world’s most meaningful actress!

Husband: You know what? I HATE Barbra Streisand! She’s got the hair of a lunatic!

Wife: Can’t buy the album ’cause certain people need the $6.49 plus tax they are saving for a bubble window for their van, which they must have in time for Van-o-Rama!

Husband: [ points his finger in her face ] You lay off ME! But, first, you lay off my VAN! Okay?!

Wife: The van! The van! Huh. Custom paint job, orange nylon pile of carpet on the floor, the walls, the ceiling, hot pink crushed velvet curtains, the CB panel all covered in pinkand orange shag carpet, and a fake fur bedspread! You got better stuff in that van than we got in our house! That van look like the King of the World’s home, that’s what!

Husband: Don’t give me none of that King of the World stuff! The King of the World don’t install his own air-conditioning! Now that van was a Chevy, and it came WITHOUT air-conditioning factory air, so I installed it myself! Remember?! I installed it myself!

Wife: I remember. ‘Til six o’clock in the morning, the night “Earthquake, part 1” was on TV! I’m watching the WORKD shake apart, you’re installin’ AIR! I’m asleep, you’re installin’ air! I’m fryin’ up breakfast strips, you’re installin’ air!

Husband: Well, who wouldn’t like to install air? Okay? Who wouldn’t like it? I LIKE installing air! I LOVE it! You get to use TWELVE different wrenches!

Wife: Twelve different wrenches. Isn’t that some big news! Like findin’ out in the Enquirer how different movie stars like their steak!

Husband: Alright, just lay off, okay? Let’s just eat here — I gotta go home, I gotta nail some more, uh, studs into the plush chamber!

Wife: I hate that name!

Husband: It’s not something you can hate, or like, or agree, or disagree with! It’s just the name of a certain area in the van! You know? I mean, like, it’s the name of the area except for the BED area, that’s it! It’s a plush chamber! And it’s called a plush chamber because it IS a plush… chamber!

[ they stand silently for a moment, ignoring each other’s gaze to stare toward the food server ]

Husband: A rare and a rare.

Wife: You know, that was the best movie I’ve seen in six months? It was very tender. You know, the kind where you’re in the audience but you keep wishing you were the one… in love with the girl, uh — the man on the screen, you know? I get off on tenderness.

Husband: [ ignoring her ] It’s decided. I’m gonna do the exterior, custom painting, in red-white pearl eyes, and, uh, red, white, and blue — I’m gonna call the whole thing “New Glory”. Like, you know, like, the flag is “Old Glory”, I’m gonna call this “New Glory”. Because, like, it’s a ’76 Chevy, you know, and it’s new, it’s gonna be called “New Glory”. And, if I have the right paint, I’m gonna put, like, grain, you know? Like a wheat field, you know, with purple mountains in the background on the side. Yeah! It’ll be really nice. What do you think?

Wife: I don’t think I’ll be expressin’ opinions, so nobody can say I was… gettin’ on ’em!

Husband: [ disgusted ] Nobody’s gonna say anything! I’m just asking for an opinion; I just want an attitude, that’s all!

Wife: Huh? Alright. Well, I think it STINKS!

Husband: GET OFF ME, WILLYA?!!

Wife: And here’s what else stinks: the simulated wood plaque with a simulated carving of a naked girl with your astrological sign branded on her belly, that you got hid behind the sun visor above th left windshield!

Husband: How’d you know about that?

Wife: I seen it last week when you went to get yuor sunglasses. And I’ll tellyou one mroe thing: I don’t think the leopard headdress on the driver’s seat makes it look ANYTHING a throne!

Husband: [ glumly ] You said you did…

Wife: Well, I was lyin’! Oh… and one more thing, in case you’re interested: I’m the one who wrote “WASH ME!” with their finger in the dust on the back door.

Husband: You know you’re crazy?! You’re TURNIN’ on me right now! Here, we go out to see the Barbra Streisand movie, we go to K-Mart to pick up cottonballs in between, we come out for a STEAK dinner, and then NOW, when it’s too late, when the movie’s bought, paid for, and seen, you TURN on me!!

Wife: Because I’m tired of our life! And, between us, bleieve me, we only got one life left — YOURS! And I am TIRED of watchin’ you bolt beverage caddies to the front console… tired of waitin’ up for you, ’til you’re done installin’ color bars that pulsate in time with the music over the bed… tired of watchin’ you jewel the steerin’ wheel… not leavin’ time to see any but ONE movie in six months, or money to buy the original soundtrack album! In the name of my life, movies and original soundtrack albums, I am FINALLY speakin’ out!

Husband: Well, you just remember ONE… THING! Okay? [ he pats her belly ] I got you that way IN the plush chamber!

Wife: I know.

Husband: And, to tell you the truth — we were watching Lawrence Welk, you know, in the TV plugged in on the car port? Well, while I was PUTTING IT to you, I imagined I was PUTTING IT to ALL FOUR of the Lennon Sisters at once!

Wife: Ohhh, alright. Well, let me tell YOU: if this baby’s a girl, I would like its FIRST name to be Barbra, and its MIDDLE name to be Streisand. And I am gonna see that it IS, because I am gonna tell them, in the hospital, in the delivery room, before you can get to them, while thye are writin’ out the birth certificate: Barbra… Streisand… JOHNSON!! [ he sighs ] Huh! And they will be NOTHIN’ you can do about it but live with a daughter named for a person with lunatic hair!

Husband: Okay. Look, man… YOU… and Barbra Streisand… and ALL your friends put together don’t understand ONE thing!! A VAN is a HOUSE on WHEELS!! Okay?! And it’s got a lot more FURthan any HOUSE we’ve ever HAD, okay?! And it GOES where you want!! You get a FUR-COVERED HOUSE!! It may not be REAL fur, but, let’s face it, the only person that can buy REAL fur is a MILLIONAIRE! Okay?! It’s a fur house! It goes without saying it’s not real fur, BUT… that plush chamber is the closest THING… that I’m gonna have, in this or any other lifetime, to a moveable FUR HOUSE!! Do you get that?! Do you understand that?!

Wife: Yeah, I understand! [ a beat ] You gonna eat your salad?

Husband: Yeah, yeah. Here. [ he hands it to her ] You can have it, I don’t want it.

Wife: Thanks. [ they continue down the line ] It’s from your father. You won’t admit it is, but it is. The man who said salad was invented by Communists, and you’re the one who told me he said it. So don’t try to get out of it now! He said it in the ’50’s, when people only ate salad in the summer, and it wasn’t a hot meal, and your father always WANTED a hot meal, so he told your mother salad was invented by the Communists and you believed him until this very day!

Husband: Wrong!

Wife: You can turn into your father any time now, if you don’t watch out. Already, every night, you sit in your chair with a joint instead of a beer can. Already, you got a yellow mechanical pencil you don’t never lose. And already, you’re ignorin’ your wife.

Husband: [ giving in ] I’ll buy you that album. Okay? [ he sighs heavily ]

Wife: Alright. And, if it’s a girl, it’s Tammy.

Husband: And that time with the Lennon Sisters? It might have been another night. [ they finally approach the cashier ] A rare and a rare… two juices… a salad… two coffees. And a pudding.

[ camera pans upward into the audience, zoom slowly upon a woman with SUPER: “Hyperpassive” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
Voice of Duane Bobick … Tom Davis
Voice of Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Sound of teletype clicking. Jane Curtin sits at theWU desk talking on the phone.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now — Weekend Update withJane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [casually, into the phone,discussing former cast member Chevy Chase who is inthe audience for tonight’s show] Oh, come on, give mea break. I mean, so the guy has his special — doesthat make him a star? Okay, yeah, granted the ratingswere good but he followed Richard Pryor!Richard Pryor’s wonderful! Who’s gonna get upand turn the TV off when they’re laughing? Oh, did yousee him on the Carson show? I have to admit, I lovedhim on that. My – my – my favorite part was when heasked his wife to stand up in the audience — it wasjust like Steve Allen and Jane Meadows. … [sees thecamera is on] Oh, I – I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up,adopts her no-nonsense newswoman persona] Our topstory tonight:

In a spectacular coup, the National BroadcastingCompany has signed heavyweight boxer Duane Bobick toan exclusive five year contract as a networkpersonality. Beating out the other networks, thecontract was signed just seconds before Bobick steppedinto the ring with Ken Norton. Asked to comment,Bobick said, quote: [Jane points to her throat and,with wide eyes, does a garbled Donald Duck imitation]…

TV personality David Frost, inspired by the success ofhis Nixon interviews, has announced plans to interviewformer presidents Johnson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Trumanand Roosevelt. … Answering comments that the planseemed preposterous, Frost said, “If people believeNixon, they’ll believe anything.” …[applause]

[Photo of a wide-eyed Jimmy Carter which draws a laughfrom the crowd] While in London for last week’s summitmeeting, President Carter recommended that one of hisfavorite poets, Dylan Thomas, be removed from hisgrave in Wales and enshrined in historic WestminsterAbbey. Carter also requested that another of hisfavorite poets, Rod McKuen, be buried in the Abbeyimmediately. …

Patty Hearst, shown here relaxing on the lawn at SanSimeon, was placed on five years’ probation for herarmed robbery and assault charge and ordered to paysix thousand dollars in property damage. Despiterumors of romance, Miss Hearst says she has no plans,commenting, “I don’t want to marry and settle downbefore I’ve had a little excitement in my life.”…

Sixty-four year old cowboy Roy Rogers stated this weekthat when he dies, he would like to be stuffed andmounted on top of Trigger, his dead horse, who is alsostuffed and mounted. When asked to comment on this,Dale Evans, Roy’s affectionate wife, said that she,too, would like to be stuffed and mounted but notnecessarily in that order. … [applause]

[Photo of Mount Rushmore] A film expert claimed thisweek that there is a fifth face on the nationalmonument Mount Rushmore. Larger and more subtlydefined than the four presidents’ faces, it isbelieved to be the profile of comedian David Brenner.[Doctored photo of Mount Rushmore with an outline ofDavid Brenner’s head superimposed.] …

[Photo of golfer Jack Nicklaus in mid-stroke, standingin a sand trap] In sports, Jack Nicklaus won the thirdannual Quaker Oats Invitational. He is shown hereclinching victory by blasting out of an oatmeal trapdirectly into an egg cup. …

[Doctored photo of Watergate figures John Mitchell,John E. Ehrlichman and H. R. “Bob” Haldeman wearingMickey Mouse ears] Well, Watergate cover-upco-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Ehrlichman and”Cubby” Haldeman have been signed as Mouseketeers onthe Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to commenton this unusual move, the three defendants said inunison: “Why? Because we like you!” …

[Photo of what appears to be a Japanese man with astick standing above a Japanese woman who is neck deepin water.] Still to come: Japanese ceremonialwife-drowning after this message.

[Applause as we go to commercial.]

[A bell rings and once again we are watching theentire fifty-eight second video of the KenNorton-Duane Bobick fight. The fight — betweenNorton, a black man in blue trunks, and Bobick, awhite man in tan trunks — unfolds withoutinterruption under the following voice overs:]

Duane Bobick V/O: You are about to witness acrime. Hello, this is Duane Bobick. According tostatistics, every fifty-eight seconds a white man isbrutally beaten by a black man. … This is notnecessarily the fault of the black man becauseenvironmental and societal conditions sometimes leavehim no choice. That’s where the Black EducationalConference comes in. They have shown thousands ofblack men that they do not have to resort to violenceto prove their masculinity. They’ve shown blacks howto find rich, fulfilling and non-aggressive careers inthe fields of computer technology, businessadministration and dentistry, that there aresatisfactions in life other than beating up on whitey…. [Norton is beating the crap out of Bobick] Theysuffered for four hundred years and we’re sorry aboutit. I’ve seen “Roots” and so have you. Let’s give thema chance to use their minds. [Norton knocks Bobickdown] Remember, a better-educated black man is aweaker opponent. Show them how sorry we are. Help theblack man gain respect for themselves. I know Ihave.

Don Pardo V/O: Send money to Black EducationalConference, Box 58, New York. And, remember, abetter-educated black man is a weakeropponent.

[The referee ends the fight. Applause as we return toJane at the WU desk.]

Jane Curtin: The makers of the Mr. Coffeeappliance revealed this week that over a half millionof the machines have a defect which may cause a shortcircuit resulting in fire. Our Update consumerdepartment reports that the Mr. Coffee manufacturerdoes not plan to recall the dangerous units — [Photoof smiling Mr. Coffee spokesman Joe DiMaggio holding afire extinguisher] — but will introduce a newproduct, Mr. Fire Extinguisher. …

[Doctored photo of Jimmy Carter with sticks ofdynamite] In a surprise move this week, PresidentJimmy Carter strapped three sticks of dynamite to hisbody and made himself into a human bomb. …Addressing Congress, Carter threatened to explodehimself unless one of the senior members of the Houseoffered to date his aging mother Lillian. …

Jane Curtin: And now, with tonight’scommentary, is Emily Litella. [applause as we pullback to include an empty chair next to Jane -irritated, Jane loses her composure] I knew this wasgoing to happen. Where the hell is she? … [Janepicks up the phone and dials as she mutters toherself] For God’s sakes. Irresponsible, annoyingwoman. God knows she’s no longer funny. … [phonerings]

Voice of Emily Litella: Hello. This is EmilyLitella. I’m not home right now. But I will call youback as soon as possible. Just leave your name,number, and what time you called, after you hear thesound of the jeep. … [a beep sounds]

Jane Curtin: Emily, that’s beep, not jeep. Ajeep is an army vehicle, a jeep is a tone. You shouldknow that if you were in television. Beep, not jeep![ready to hang up]

Voice of Emily Litella: Ohhhhhhh … nevermind.

Jane Curtin: [startled to hear Emily respond,then ticked off] Stupid woman.

Voice of Emily Litella: Bitch. …

[Applause as Jane hangs up and stares at the phonemoodily.]

Jane Curtin: [as nicely as possible] That’s ournews for tonight. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[Applause as Jane gives the phone a dirty look,muttering something under her breath. Pull back andfade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

I Am Ricardo Montalban!

Jane … Gilda Radner
Jean … Shelly Duvall
Ricardo Montalban … Dan Aykroyd
Fernando Lamas … Bill Murray
Cesar Romero … John Belushi
Joan … Laraine Newman
1st Italian Man … Tom Schiller
1st Woman … Rosie Shuster
2nd Woman … Anne Beatts
3rd Woman … Marilyn Miller
Piano Player … Paul Shaffer
Man in Tuxedo … Al Franken
Bartender … Alan Zweibel
Extra … Garrett Morris

[High, wide shot of the set depicting a fancyrestaurant. Cameras, lights, mikes and crew membersare visible. Piano music plays throughout the sketchas we dissolve down to the set where a male extra in atuxedo escorts a female extra past several tables. Atone table sit three Latino men, identically dressed inwhite suits and pink shirts with wide lapels. At anadjacent table, we find two white women, Jane andJean, in slinky black outfits, smokingcigarettes.]

Jane: Jean, they should have been here by now.I just know they’re not gonna show.

Jean: Well, Joan went to call.

Jane: I wish we could meet some different kindo’ guys for a change. I mean, somethin’ like thoseContinental type over there. [indicates the threeLatino men at the next table]

Jean: Oh, I know. All we ever date are the sameall-American hamburgers.

Jane: Right.

Jean: Why don’t we ever meet any uncircumcisedguys?

[One of the Continental types rises and approachesJane and Jean. Like his male companions, he speakswith an accent, sounding rather like the actor RicardoMontalban.]

Ricardo Montalban: Good evening, lovely,lovely, lovely ladies. Me and my companions, here atthe next table, were having a little argument and wewere wondering if perhaps you couldn’t help settle itfor us.

Jane: Well, sure, if we can.

Jean: Shoot.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, I am RicardoMontalban.

[His two companions rise up in protest and join him atthe ladies’ table.]

Fernando Lamas: No, no, no! You have it wrong!

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo Montalban!

Ricardo Montalban: [to the ladies] Well, atleast, I think I am Ricardo Montalban. Andthese two gentlemen are Fernando Lamas and CesarRomero — although, we are a little confused about whois who.

Cesar Romero: Ay, excuse us, uh, lovely, lovelyladies, but this is very embarrassing. We don’t knowwho is who.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, we have beenchumming around Hollywood for so long together –Ricardo, Fernando and Cesar — the best of friends, wedo everything together, we eat together, drinktogether, sleep over at each other’s Hollywood homes.Ha! Sometimes Cesar and I sleep at Fernando’s,sometimes Cesar and Fernando sleep at Ricardo’s houseand–

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait aminute. You said you were Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: [laughs] Ah ha haha!

Fernando Lamas: I thought I wasRicardo.

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo. You see, we are allof us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see?It is all very terribly confusing. We don’t know whowe are.

Fernando Lamas: Perhaps, uh, we could join youat your table.

Jane: Well, ah, we – we are waiting forour dates.

Jean: Yeah. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris.

Ricardo Montalban: Well, actually, we, too,were supposed to meet some lovely ladies here thisevening — Jill St. John, Susan St. James and EvaMarie Saint.

Cesar Romero: Right.

Ricardo Montalban: But, luckily, they canceledout and our evening is free so we’d love to join youuntil those insipid, pretty-boy flashes-in-the-pannamed George show up.

Jean: Oh, I don’t see why not.

Ricardo Montalban: Ah, good.

[The three men pull up chairs to join the ladies attheir table as a third woman in black, Joan, arrives.Cesar bows graciously and holds her chair for her. Sheand the men take seats.]

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. [to the women] Badnews, girls. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris stood us up for other dates.

Jean and Jane: [disappointed] Ooohhhhhh!Who?

Joan: Elke Sommer, Britt Ekland and MayBritt.

All: Awwwww!

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. I don’t think we’vebeen introduced.

Ricardo Montalban: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Fernando Lamas: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Cesar Romero: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Jean: Two of these three gentlemen arelying.

Joan: Well, will the real Ricardo Montalbanplease stand up?

[The three men feint standing up. Much laughter andapplause from the crowd for this parody of the oldgame show “To Tell the Truth.” Finally, the men remainseated and they and the women laugh heartily at theirlittle joke.]

Fernando Lamas: We do this every night.

Jean: Joan, meet Fernando Lamas, Cesar Romeroand Ricardo Montalban.

Joan: Well — who’s who?

Ricardo Montalban: Even we don’t know who’swho! The only way to tell is to run out to the parkinglot and see whose car keys fit the Cordoba! …[applause]

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] May – may I assureyou that our confusion is as sincere as it ischarming. You wanna make out with me?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout youover there? A little bit of Mix Master, huh? Comeon.

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] All right, what aboutyou, right here?

Jean: Not right now.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just checking. I gotplenty o’ time.

Cesar Romero: [cuttingly, to Fernando] Zero onstyle, you know?

Ricardo Montalban: Okay, watch this guys. Watchthis. [smoothly, to Jane] Your eyes are like tintedopera windows. Your hair and skin is like the finestCorinthian leather.

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] Say, uh, have youchanged your mind yet?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout you,right over here? You change your mind?

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] What about this girl,right here?

Jean: No, no.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just let me know. I’m inno hurry, I’ll be right here.

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think Ican figure out who you are. Let me see your carkeys.

Fernando Lamas: Certainly.

Ricardo Montalban: Glad to comply, lovelylady.

Cesar Romero: Yes.

[The men pull out their car keys and put them in frontof Jean.]

Fernando Lamas: [hands keys to Jean, smoothly]And to my heart as well.

Jean: [examines the keys] Okay. Matador,Granada and Cordoba. [hands keys back to Ricardo]You are Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: RickyRicardo?

Cesar Romero: No! Stupid fool! At least we knowthat! None of us here is Ricky Ricardo!

Ricardo Montalban: Of course! I am RicardoMontalban!

Cesar Romero and Fernando Lamas:Aaaahhhhh!

Ricardo Montalban: My commercial endorsements,it’s all coming back to me. “As a Spaniard, I love tofeel the wind and fire in my face. When I choose acar, I choose a car with a certain spirit, a car thatwill–” You know, I mean, the commercials. They’rerunning all over the place.

Jean: Okay, okay. Now, it’s between Fernandoand Cesar.

Jane: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I havea picture of Fernando Lamas. It came with my wallet.[takes out wallet, shows picture to others]There!

Fernando Lamas: Aha! That’s me!

Cesar Romero: That’s you?

Fernando Lamas: I am Fernando Lamas!

Ricardo Montalban: I am Ricardo!

Cesar Romero: Then that means – I am CesarRomero! Excellent! I loved myself in “Weekend inHavana”!

[Excited and happy, everyone begins laughing andtalking at once. Fernando calls out:]

Fernando Lamas: Waiter, can we have some wine,please?! Wine for the ladies! We are celebratingourselves!

[As he does, three Italian men dressed in blackjumpsuits with low-cut necklines, enter and approach anearby table at which sit three bored women in blackwith identical hairstyles.]

1st Italian Man: [with accent] Excuse us,lovely, lovely ladies, but perhaps you can help us. Iam either Sergio Franchi, Rossano Brazzi or EnzoStuarti.

All Three Italian Men: You see, we are a bitconfused.

1st Woman: [matter-of-fact] Let’s see yourkeys, boys. Whoever’s driving the Volare mustbe Sergio Franchi.

[Applause. Dissolve to the applauding crowd and zoomin on audience members Mr. and Mrs. Chevy Chase. Mrs.Chase smiles as Mr. Chase picks his nose. He sees thecamera on him, stops and stares into it. Asuperimposed text reads: USED TO BE ON THE SHOW. Aftera pause, he joins in on the applause as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Night of the Moonies

Deprogrammer 1 …..Dan Aykroyd
Deprogrammer 2…..Garrett Morris
Moonie…..Shelley DuvallSun Myung Moon…..John Belushi
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Other Moonies…..Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller, Rosie Shuster, Alan Zweibel
Sheriff…..Bill Murray

[ black-and-white: open on interior, motel room, as a pair of deprogrammers stand over a Moonie tied to a chair ]

Deprogrammer 1: Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! LED ZEPPELIN!!

[ they rise to speak privately ]

Deprogrammer 1: Man, I say we give up on this Moonie! She’s not gonna crack!

Deprogrammer 2: Yes, she WILL!! Now, I have — look, I have deprogrammed TOUGHER kids than this one! Now, look — come on!

Deprogrammer 1: [ sighing ] It’s been five days!

Deprogrammer 2: [ to the moonie ] Look… don’t you want all of this to end? Huh? Just renounce that Sun Myung Moon character… and you can go back home to your parents!

Moonie: [ in a monotone ] The Unification Church is my family. I don’t like my parents.

Deprogrammer 1: [ he sighs ] How ’bout your dog? Don’t you want to go see your dog?

Moonie: I don’t have a dog.

Deprogrammer 1: Do you have a cat?

Moonie: I don’t have a cat.

Deprogrammer 1: Well, we’ll buy you a cat! [ cutesy ] A little kitten! Yuo can call it “Booooots”, or “Whiskers”, or “Muffin”, or ANYTHING YOU LIKE!!!

Deprogrammer 2: Shhhh…

Moonie: I don’t like animals.

Deprogrammer 2: Look — you can catch up on TV! Now, I bet you haven’t seen the new Fall shows!

Deprogrammer 1: Rhoda got divorced, you know. It’s, uh — everything’s changed.

Deprogrammer 2: Of course, you missed Mary’s last show, you know, uh — but… I’m sure they’ll probably rerun it.

Moonie: Television is the Devil’s paintbrush. I don’t like television.

Deprogrammer 1: I’m gonna put on that Mamas & Papas album one more time, see what happens.

[ a knock at the door ]

Deprogrammer 1: There’s the kid from Burger King.

Moonie: I don’t like Burger King. Burgers are the Devil’s scouring pads.

Deprogrammer 1: Well, don’t worry — we got you a Whaler with cheese.

[ he answers the door, but it’s Sun Myung Moon on the other side ]

Deprogrammer 1: Oh, no!!

Sun Myung Moon: Good ev-e-ning! I am the Reverand Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Moo-nies!

[ music sting ]

[ title card: “Night of the Moonies” ]

Sun Myung Moon: We have come… for… the girl!

Deprogrammer 1: This kid’s going BACK to her family!!

Sun Myung Moon: Whyyyy do you resist us? It is so much more preseant to surrender and become one of us. Submit to the uneffortable, free yourself of human emotion. Want to come to our bicentennial rally?

Deprogrammer 1: You’re crazy!! You think I’m gonna join your gang of zombies?! You must be NUTS!!

Sun Myung Moon: Noooo?? Perhaps your wife will be able to change your mind, Round Eyes!

[ Moon leads Deprogrammer 1’s zombified wife through the door ]

Deprogrammer 1: [ alarmed ] It IS my wife! Honey!

Deprogrammer 2: [ examines her listless face ] She’s not your wife any more, man. She’s a moonie!

Wife: Why struggle, dear? Give in. I’ve sold the house and car and all your possessions, and given the money to Reverand Moon.

Deprogrammer 1: [ he gasps ] NO!! NO!!

Wife: Your shirts, your slacks, your ties, your power tools…

Deprogrammer 1: My power tools?!!

Wife: Your beer can collection, your monogrammed golf clubs, your RCA home entertainment center, your electric wok.

Deprogrammer 1: Oh, how could you do it, honey?!

Wife: They’re all gone…

Sun Myung Moon: [ sinisterly ] We will keep… the electric wok!

Deprogrammer 2: Don’t!! Don’t listen to ’em!! [ he turns and shoves Moon and Deprogrammer 1’s wife out the door ] Get out of here!! Get out of here!! [ to Deprogrammer 1 ] Look, we can’t save her now! [ continues shoving Moon out the door ] Get out!! [ he slams the door ] Now, come on, you’ve GOT to help me!! They’re gonna probably try to get in now!!

Deprogrammer 1: Yeah, right!

Deprogrammer 2: Help me block this door!!

[ they push furniture in front of the door, as other moonies begin to smash in the window ]

Deprogrammer 2: Now, get over there to the window — here they come, here they come!!

[ the moonies try to push their literature through the empty panes, as Deprogrammer 1 begins to hammer boards over the window ]

Deprogrammer 1: Get away!! Get out of here!!

Voice of a Moonie: How are you? Would you like to buy a flower and help the Reverand Moon?

Deprogrammer 2: NO!! I’m not interested!!

Voice of a Moonie: Have a nice day!

Deprogrammer 1: They’re all over the place!!

Deprogrammer 2: I KNOW THAT!!

Voice of a Moonie: Would you like to make a donation..?

Deprogrammer 1: A quarter? [ he takes a brochure from one of the moonies and begins to read it ]

Deprogrammer 2: I don’t know HOW long — I don’t know how long we cna hold out! I don’t even know how many of them there are! They could have HUNDREDS of brochures, man. They might even have a sound truck! [ he turns and notices the brochure in Deprogrammer 1’s hand ] Hey, what’s that you’re reading there? Hey, man! Look! Listen, man!! [ he tears the brochure away and shoves Deprogrammer 1 down onto a bed ] Do you want to end up like one of those goons out there?!!

Deprogrammer 1: NO, NO!!

Deprogrammer 2: Stop reading that stuff!! You understand?!!

Deprogrammer 1: NO!! NO…!!

[ Deprogrammer 1 rises slowly, his eyes now darkened circles ]

Deprogrammer 1: [ in a monotone ] I am one of them now. It is really pleasant. [ to Deprogrammer 2 ] Hello! How are you? Are you busy right now? Can I walk with you just a little bit? You’re probably on your way to work. It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! Why don’t you come with me just now..?

[ Deprogrammer 1 rises, as Deprogrammer 2 inches away toward the front door ]

Deprogrammer 2: You — you can stay here, man, I’m getting the hell out of here!

[ Deprogrammer 2 frantically pulls the furniture away from the front door and thrusts it open. Sun Myung Moon and some of the other moonies proceed to re-enter. ]

Sun Myung Moon: It’s time for you to join us! Here is your button!

Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!

Deprogrammer 1: [ as he unties the rope around the first Moonie’s ] Hi! How are you? May I interest you in some literature? If you’d care to make a small donation…

Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!

[ unnoticed by anyone, the Sheriff enters the motel room ]

Sheriff: Yeah, Chief, there’s a whole lot of those moonies here! Yeah, okay! Check!

[ the Sheriff proceeds to shoot each moonie one at a time, firing nine shots. Various moonies shout “Have a nice day!” before being shot. At last, the Sheriff shoots and kills Sun Myung Moon. ]

Deprogrammer 2: Thank God! Thank God, man! Thank God you came here!

Sheriff: Yeah, Chief? Okay, I’m gonna head down to that corner, there’s an ol’ rat’s nest in here, I got one more moonie to kill!

Deprogrammer 2: Oh, no, man! I’m not a moonie!

Sheriff: Alright!

Deprogrammer 2: I’m not — I’m not a moonie!

[ the Sheriff fires two shots at Deprogrammer 2 ]

Sheriff: Yeah, that really is a tragedy about San Diego. They never had proper law enforcement techniques down there, anyway. [ he chuckles ] Alright!

[ the Sheriff exits the motel room, leaving dead bodies everywhere as “The End” creeps onscreen ]

[ close-up, as the original moonie rises from the floor and smiles toward the camera ]

Moonie: Hello! How are you? Have you heard about the Unification Church? Do you mind if we talk for a while?

[ pull out to in-color studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Loud Family Discuss the Concorde SST” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts