General Idi Amin: You know, it’s too bad that venereal disease doesn’t just strike Jews, but the unfortunate fact is, anyone can get it, even nice people like you and me.
[ SUPER: “General Idi “VD” Amin” ]
Hi. I’m General Idi “VD” Amin, and I’m here to tell you about the warning signs of syphilis:
(a) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of open chancre sores on your faloombwehbweh.
(b) Blindness and/or insanity.
(c) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of two low-flying cargo planes and two Boeing 707 jets full of Israeli commandos on your entebbe…
And…
(d) Shrinkage of your faloombwehbweh down to the size of a flashlight. If you have any of these warning signs, don’t neglect them. I know I ignored mine for too long, but fortunately, in my case, the disease has eaten away only the weak parts of my brain, leaving the strong parts free to declare war on Kenya. Here is an X-ray of a normal brain. [ holds up X-ray of a brain ] ..and here is an X-ray of my brain. [ holds up a slice of swiss cheese ] I was lucky. You may not be so lucky. So take it from me, Idid “VD” Amin, and get yourself checked out today. I wish someone had warned me.
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “A Public Service Message from your International Syphilis Association.”
[FADE to Louise kneeling at home base and petting her dog Maggie with the cast assembled behind her.]
Louise Lasser: Thank you so much, and I, I would just like to say I thank Michael Saracen for being in my movie, and I’d like to thank the Preservation Hall Jazz Band, I’d like to thank Maggie here, and, and… [gestures to cast] Look at them.
[The Not Ready for Prime Time Players stand quietly several feet away. On the far right, John Belushi fidgets with some of the clothes from his earlier sketch and completely ignores Louise. Chevy is hidden behind Laraine, and Dan Aykroyd smokes a cigarette in the far back.]
Louise Lasser: What I can I tell you? Thank you, everyone, really, thank you. [The band goes into the closing theme as everyone but Maggie applauds. While the credits start to roll, Laraine claps Louise on the shoulders while John appears to be dickering over his clothes with nearby audience members. Louise manages to make a bit of small talk with Garrett and Gilda, then turns her full attention back to Maggie. Chevy and Dan shake a few audience members’ hands.]
Don Pardo: Next week’s host on “Saturday Night” will be Kris Kristofferson, with guest Rita Coolidge. The temperature in New York is 79.5 degrees. And in your announcer, Don Pardo, it’s 98.6. And they keep telling me I’m not normal. Tune in next week, or I’ll blow up in Chicago. Good night!
[ZOOM IN on a closeup of Laraine petting Maggie, who pants cheerfully in the spotlight. CUT to the usual long shot of home base and PAN over to the balcony, where almost everyone is clapping. Close to the camera, a young woman holds up a long sheet of sprocket-feed printer paper on which “HI J” is written. She and her date see themselves on the monitor and burst into laughter. FADE OUT.]
Inger … Louise Lasser Sven … Chevy Chase Death … Tom Schiller
[No music, only the sound of a loudly ticking clockheard throughout the sketch. An out-of-focus image ofa burning candle flame. We pull back and into focus toreveal that the candle rests atop a table on eitherside of which sit Sven and Inger. They stare soulfullyinto one another’s eyes as they slowly sip from mugs.Behind them, a window. A superimposed English textscrolls up from the bottom of the screen as a narratorsimultaneously reads it in mock Swedish gibberish.]
Text: Sven is a struggling architect. He built the Svömmenplåken at Kvärkpårken in Stockholm for which he won the Knut Kvöllen Award. Lost in his work, he lives alone … the architect of his own unhappiness.
[Sven and Inger stare at one another lustfully.]
Text: Inger works designing ceative toys for intellectual Swedish children.She was married to Torben, a brutal man who stilled the child within her. They parted. She was unhappy, yet alive for the first time.
[Sven and Inger slowly touch one another’s hands andfaces erotically.]
Text: On a holiday in Austria, Inger met Sven on the chairlift at the Vödelsan Ski Resort. They fell in love. In Stockholm, they met secretlysharing kisses under the Östergaffel Bridge or at the new Kjölvaskashopping center Sven was designing. With the money sven made from anaccess ramp study, They planned their first vacation. They drove theirVolvo to Göteborg and then took the ferry boat to Gammel Färgspråkisland. They delighted in their love and the warm summer days.
[As the next paragraph of text scrolls by, a shadowyfigure with a pale white face appears outside thewindow behind Sven and Inger — it is Death — and heis the one narrating in Swedish. Sven and Inger turnto look at Death, then slowly wave him away. Hedeparts.]
Text: One night, held in each other’s gaze, an apparition appeared at the window of their small rustic cabin. It was Death. “Let me in. I am death come to haunt, intimidate and make you very, very uneasy.” ThenDeath went away… soon to return.
[With Death gone, Sven and Inger return to gazing atand touching one another. Abruptly, Death returns andsits down at the table with them, still narrating inSwedish. The couple ignores him completely.]
Text: They tried to enjoy their vacation, but were troubled by dreams, visions, and a burning desire to wash hands and faces. Once Sven was gathering nutmeats and thought he was being pursued by burning sheep. Inger was making cookies and death returned. “It is I… Death. Are you alone? Where’s Sven?” There was nothing for them to do. They both felt death’s mocking presence… watching, silently jeering. So they made love.
[Inger pulls at Sven’s lip, comically distorting it.]
Text: And then they ordered pizza.
[Sven and Inger finally notice Death sitting besidethem.]
Inger: [to Death, casually, in plain English] Couldyou go out and pick it up for us?
[Death bows his head to her in agreement.]
Sven: [to Death, just as casually] You want the keysto the Volvo? [Death bows his head to him inagreement. Sven fishes in his pocket for the keys.] Igot ’em right here.
[Sven hands the keys to Death who, speaking mockSwedish, rises and exits as Sven and Inger return tostaring at one another. We see Death pass by thewindow outside, mumbling Swedish, as Inger puts herhands on Sven’s face. We hear the Volvo’s engine startup and the sound of the car driving away as Ingertwists and distorts Sven’s face to comical effect.]
Text: [with no accompanying narration] So Sven and Inger fooled death. There is no pizza in Sweden.
[We slowly zoom in on the burning candle as the imagegoes out of focus.]
[dissolve to wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Walter Mondale Came Out Against The Vietnam War The Same Day Hubert Humphrey Did”]
[ open on John Belushi stepping in front of green-screen projection of the “Samurai Deli” sketch ]
John Belushi: Hi! I’m John Belushi. That’s me doing the “Samurai Deli” scene. It’s a classic piece of comedy I made famous last year on “NBC’s Saturday Night”.
You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “You have a distinctive look. How can I capture that look for myself?” Well, I’m very proud to announce, after months of work, to unveil my very personal project. I’m finally able to offer you my exclusive line of men’s clothing. I have personally selected, out of hundreds of styles and fabrics, clothes with that distinctive John Belushi style. Clothes that I made famous on “NBC’s Saturday Night”. Clothes like I’m wearing right now.
Uh, for instance — this reversible vest. [ he removes it ] You can wear it, uh, this way… or the other way. It’s got buttons on both sides, you see. Uh — this shirt. It’s a very personal shirt, it can be worn any way you like. [ he yndoes the buttons on the cuffs ] Uh, the sleeves roll down, you can roll the sleeves up like this… you see? It’s a very nice, very nice shirt. [ he loosens his collar ] You can open up the collar like this, kind of cool and breezy. I personally selected this shirt out of HUNDREDS, and I paid $12 for it. You can have it for $3. Or you can make me an offer. Right now. This shirt. Three dollars. The vest — again, uniquely Belushi. I paid $17 retail… eight bucks! Huh? Please.
The hat — [ he places a cap on his head with sunglasses ] The shades. Living trademarks of an unerpaid TV actor. Waht do you say? Five bucks! Huh? Come on! Please! I’m serious. Buy my clothes. These clothes — now! Really. I need the cash. I do. Please. Look at this shirt! This shirt’s in great condition!
Listen — if you send it soon, you can buy my albums. Really! [ he holds up rock albums ] I’ve got Cream here — Wheels of Fire, it’s a great album. I’ve got some Stones. The Doors were really something… before Jim died. I’ve got some Grand Funk — I only listened to it once. Okay. Uh — I got a lot of good ones. Moby Grape, some of The Beach Boys’ early stuff. Uh… anything you want. A lot of albums. A buck a piece. What do you say? It’s a good deal! A dollar. Huh?
I got, uh… [ he holds up a radio ] A radio! It doesn’t work… but if you’re good with your hands and you like working with electricity, uh, you could fix it! Really! Make me an offer! What do you say? Good shirt, huh? Nice shirt? You wanna buy it? Really! Listen — if you care about my career… if you care about my work… you’ll buy my shirt.
[ dissolve to address card:
JOHN BELUSHI WARDROBE Rock Center New York, New York” ]
Announcer: The John Belushi Wardrobe. Clothes of distinction. Only worn once.
Gilda Radner: Uh, Chevy, uh – I don’t think it’s that John was hurt, it’s just that he thinks you’re getting more attention than he is. You know what I mean?
Chevy Chase: [ he shrugs ] That’s not a good excuse.
Gilda Radner: Well, I know. But I don’t think he was that hurt…
Chevy Chase: [ pointing at the camera ] We’re on! we’re on the air.
[ they all look at the camera and smile ]
Chevy Chase: Well, here we are!
Gilda Radner: Back from vacation!
Chevy Chase: And we want money!
[ John Belushi enters ]
Gilda Radner: Hi, John!
John Belushi: What’s going on?
[ Belushi shakes hands with everybody, as the audience applauds enthusiastically ]
John Belushi: How’s everybody doing?
Garrett Morris: Great!
John Belushi: Yeah, yeah. I just got in from L.A. Anyhow, it’s nice to see you. Gilda, you’re so sweet. Jane! How’s Patrick doing?
Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Just fine, just fine!
John Belushi: Danny!
Dan Aykroyd: Hi, John!
[ Belushi looks up at Chevy ]
John Belushi: Ohhh, Mr. Chase.
[ the cast looks on uncomfortably ]
Dan Aykroyd: I’ll give you a drive home, John.
John Belushi: Yeah.
Chevy Chase: How you doing? Nice suit.
John Belushi: Thanks. Listen, Chevy, uhh — I’ve been thinking about, uh, what I said and stuff, and, uh… we’ve been together a long time, we’ve been friends a long time, and I don’t think that should, you know, stop us from being friends. You know, we gotta work together, so what do you say? Huh? Let bygones be bygones?
Chevy Chase: Are you serious?
John Belushi: Yeah.
[ Chevy looks to the other cast members ]
Jane Curtin: Go on! Go on!
[ Chevy hugs Belushi ]
John Belushi: Heyyy!
[ the rest of the cast cheer them on ]
John Belushi: Hey, man, yeah!
Chevy Chase: [ holding out his hands for low-fives ] Let’s do the show, huh! [ John slaps him ten ] Alright! Now we’re talking! Alright, you’re serious about it, now, right?
[ they begin to do an elaborate seriers of high-fives — forward, backwards, kneeling, across their shoes, etc. ]
[ finally, they take it too far and begin to knock fists and punch one another playfully ]
[ Belushi punches Chevt one hard, sending him flying over a folding chair and flat onto the floor by the audience’s feet ]
Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 1: Episode 23 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: July 24th, 1976 Louise Lasser Preservation Hall Jazz Band None Joe Dicso Michael Sarrazin Lorne Michaels Tom Schiller Alan Zweibel
Season 1: Order Now!Back From VacationSummary: Back from summer vacation, John Belushi and Chevy Chase attempt to patch their differences with a friendly handshake. Transcript
Montage
Louise Lasser’s MonologueSummary: Louise Lasser falls apart after the cue card with her personal story is switched, and sulks to her dressing room. Members of the cast try to coax her out, including the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), who is able to fool her into doing so. Recurring Characters: Land Shark. Transcript
General Idi “V.D.” AminSummary: General Idi Amin (Garrett Morris) comments on his bout with syphilis. Recurring Characters: Idi Amin. Transcript
Fooling DeathSummary: Lovers Sven (Chevy Chase) and Inger (Louise Lasser) send Death (Tom Schiller) out for pizza. Transcript
Human Hair PotholdersSummary: Sandra Goode (Jane Curtin) and Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) advertise their product from the tranquility of their prison cell. Recurring Characters: Squeaky Fromme.
Woman & DogSummary: Louise Lasser performs a scene with her dog.
Cathode Ray TubeSummary: Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin sing their ode to the cathode ray tube.
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi interviews Olga Korbut (Gilda Radner) following her defeat by newcomer Nadia Comanici. Fake footage uses toys to recreate the Viking I spacecraft landing on top of its Mars welcome committee.
Teen TalkSummary: Teenagers Jane (Jane Curtin) and Gilda (Gilda Radner) talk about boys. Transcript
The DinerSummary: In a film of her own design, Louise Lasser rambles incoherently in a diner.
John Belushi’s WardrobeSummary: To make ends meet, John Belushi offers wardrobe he’s worn on “Saturday Night Live” for sale. Transcript
Carter’s CampaignSummary: From his basement, Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tells viewers about his campaign for the presidency. Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.
Preservation Hall Jazz Band performs “Panama”
Mary, MarySummary: Louise Lasser rambles on about the past year of her life. Transcript
Announcer: And now, a public service dramatization from the National Uvula Association.
[ dissolve to Babs and her sister sitting in their living room ]
Sister: Gee, Babs, you look like something the cat just dragged in.
Babs: I know. I feel crummy. But I just can’t seem to put my finger on what’s wrong.
Sister: That’s too bad, Babs. Has it ever dawned on you that it just may be your uvula?
Babs: Gee, no, Sis.. I must have stupidly glossed right over my uvula.
Sister: I had a hunch you might’ve. That’s why I made an appointment for you with a top uvula specialist. [ doorbell rings ] Who makes house calls! Right now!
[ Doctor enters the living room ]
Doctor: Hello, I’m the doctor.
Sister: Hi.
Babs: That must be him! [ coughs ]
[ Doctor sits next to Babs on the couch ]
Doctor: I won’t beat around the bush, Babs.
Babs: Is it bad?
Doctor: In a nutshell, your uvula is on the fritz. Which reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!
Babs: Who’s there?
Doctor: Babs’ uvula.
Babs: Babs’ uvula who?
Doctor: I don’t know, Babs. But I do know this – you’ve really let your uvula go to the dogs.
Babs: Yes.. I have..
Sister: I’d like to share this with you, Sis. [ opens a greeting card ] “To Babs: It’ll behoove ya’, to care for your uvula! Love, Sis.”
Babs: Boy, do I hear ya’, Sis! From now on, it’s strictly good, clean fun. For me and my uvula!
Doctor: That reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!
Announcer: Who’s there?
[ Doctor, Babs and her sister laugh at the surprise interruption ]
Announcer: The preceding dramatization was brought to you by the National Uvula Association.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”.
Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] That’s silly — everybody makes noise. Everybody reacts differently. So what if you happen to laugh? That’s not a — [ he looks up to see the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ]
Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and so are you!
Our top story tonight: Cuban premier Fidel Castro announced that he is pulling out of Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.
Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn, in an effort to dramatize the solidarity of their marriage, had themselves epoxied together at the cheeks.
Also on the campaign trail: Trailing in the primaries, Morris Udall made a last-ditch effort at vote-getting by showing the crowd that he can lift a chair.
Well, Ohio representative Wayne Hayes, shown here holding up nothing, submitted his relationship with a $14,000 a year secretary. Sources report that Hayes, after doing soem quick arithmatic, commented, “$14,000 a year? I thought it was $38 a night.”
[ as the Chromakey slide changes, revealing a naked woman with exposed nipple, Chevy quickly jumps up to cover the nipple with his hand ]Sorry about this here…
The woman in question, Elizabeth Ray, posing here for a Girls of Washington layout in Playboy Magazine, September, reportedly told the press: “I can’t use a typewriter. I don’t know an “L” from an “R”, and, after all, this is an election season.”
[ Chevy sits, as the slide changes a photo of a couple ]
Well… nobody really cares any more!
The West Point Cheating Scandal has reached such large proportions, that the academy is considering changing its honor code rather than expelling hundreds of West Point cadets. The honor code now states that a cadet will not lie, steal or cheat. The new code being proposed states that a cadet will not lie or steal.
Well, Air Bulgaria, today, proudly unveiled its new supersonic transport plane, designed to compete with the Concorde now in service. The craft will fly at twice the speed of sound — if they can get it inside a Concorde.
At the University of Nevada, Frank Sinatra received a double honor this week: He was named Doctor of Humane Letters, and also the winner of this year’s Mickey rooney Look-alike Contest.
Boston Bruin Bobby Orr, the superstar defenseman, announced that he will give up hockey to enter in the freestyle diving event in the ’76 Olypmics. He is shown here executing a perfect swan dive into solid ice.
Former Vice-President Spiro Agnew took time out from his new promotional tour this week to attend a masquerade party given in his honor. Agnew is shown here before he decided on his costume.
Chevy Chase: This just in: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. More on that story later.
Still to come: Gerald Ford buys an alarm clock, after this message.
[ dissolve to Vibramatic ad ]
[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]
Chevy Chase: United Nation Secretary Kurt Waldheim said today that Syria, Lebanon, Greece, India and Lithuania.
Heavyweight champ Mohammed Ali knocked out a six-year-old First Grade girl in Ohio today. It only took him one left jab. The girl is reported in serious condition in a nearby hospital.
While the city of Montreal, Canada, readies itself for the upcoming Summer Olympics, teams over much of the world are practicing day and night for the games. Reporting on one such team is correspondent Jacqueline Carlin in Latvia.
[ dissolve to black-and-white footage ]
V/O: The Latvians have yet to win a gold medal in the Olympic competition. Critics say this may be a result of shoddy training, lack of equipment, and little knowledge of what may be required of them at the games. Here, the co-ed teammates are shown passing balls over their heads to each other and between their legs. Perhaps the most interesting contest for this spirited team is the dance around the duckpins ritual, during which members of the same group actually dance around duckpins, trying to force the teammates closest to them to kick the duckpins over.
[ dissolve back to Chevy reporting at the news desk ]
Chevy Chase: This Jacqueline… [ in his normal voice ] Carlin reporting.
Last week, “Weekend Update” presented an editorial by Gordon Flowers, objecting to the overcommercialism of America’s Bicentennial. Here, with an editorial reply, is junior chairperson of the Bicentennial Business Affairs Committee, Ms. Audrey Peart Dickman.
Audrey Peart Dickman: What’s wrong with being patriotic? In this, our Bicentennial year, too many so-called concerned citizena have been criticizing the use of the good old Red, White and Blue and other American symbols, in connection with commercial products, advertising, merchandising, and general acitivities surrounding the celebration of the birth of this great country. [ Chevy beginsto make mimicking facial gestures next to Audrey ] I say what’s wrong with expressing our patriotism? I’m PROUD to diaper my baby in the Stars and Stripes! [ Chevy leans over behind Audrey and sticks his tongue out in a grotesque manner ] Or to stroll on the boardwalk wearing an Old Glory leisure suit! [ Chevy makes more mimicking facial gestures, stopping just before Audrey turns to look ] Call me sentimental and old-fashioned, but it’s a thrilling rminder of our heritage to have the American Eagle stamped on my toilet tissue, so I can be reminded again and again and again… [ Chevy uses his fingers to stretch his cheeks apart and flick his tonuge at Audrey, pretending to pick his teeth when Audrey turns to look ] Have our ancestors fought that gallant battle for independence, cleansing the nation of oppressive forces: “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” become more than mere words when they appear embossed on a pizza slice into thirteen sections, as a reminder of the valiant original colonies, who stood together against oppression! [ Chevy makes more rude gestures behind Audrey, including sticking his finger in his nose and stretching his mouth apart, only to pretend to be rubbing his cheeks when she glances over ] Yes, I’ll brush my teeth with bicentennial toothpaste and gargle with “Give me liberty, or give me death” mouthwash, and I’ll feel better for it because I know I’ll TASTE like an American!
[ the audience applauds ]
Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present opposing viewpoints, whenever we’re in the mood.
[ Audrey gives Chevy a dirty look ]
Chevy Chase: And now, for those of our viewers who may be Emily Litella fans, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by — who else? — Miss Emily Litella.
[ Emily Litela appears in an oval over Chevy’s shoulder ]
“Our top story tonight!”
Emily Litella: “Our flop story tonight!”
Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily? I said our “top” story.
Emily Litella: What, Cheddar?
Chevy Chase: Our “TOP” story! Not our “flop” story. Our “flop” story would be our worst story! Our “top” story would be our BEST story!
Emily Litella: Ohh. [ she smiles ] Never mind!
Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a plesant tomorrow.
Emily Litella: Good morning, and how are you today? [ she smiles ]
The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Spock…..Chevy Chase Captain Kirk…..John Belushi Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura Lt. Uhura…..Doris Powell Voice of Mr. Scott…..Dan Aykroyd Dr. McCoy…..Dan Aykroyd Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould Curtis…..Garrett Morris
Announcer: The following program is brought to you in livingcolor by NBC.
Mr. Spock: Captain Kirk to the bridge! Captain Kirk to the bridge!
Captain Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: Sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel, Captain, headed straight for us.
Captain Kirk: Range, Mr. Sulu?
Mr. Sulu: .43 light years, sir, and closing fast.
Captain Kirk: Lt. Uhura, open a hailing frequency.
Lt. Uhura: I’ve been trying to reach them, but there’s been noresponse, sir.
Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Identify yourself. [ to Uhura ] Put them on the viewscreen, full magnification.
Lt. Uhura: Aye aye, sir.
Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] Repeat. Identify yourself.[ viewscreen shows a maroon 1968 Chrysler limo flying behind them ] What kind of ship is that, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It would appear to be an earlygas combustion vehicle, at least two or three hundred years old.
Captain Kirk: Run it through the computer. Find out what thoselittle numbers mean. I want answers.
Mr. Spock: Process visual feed. Analyze and reply.
Captain Kirk: I have a hunch, Mr. Spock, that we are about to face a menace more terrifying than the flying parasites of Ingraham B; more insidious than the sand-bats of Manark 4; more bloodthirsty than the vampire clouds of Argus 10. I have a hunch that “thing” out there is deadlier than the Romulans, the Klingons, and the Gorns all rolled into one.
Mr. Spock: Here is the readout, Captain. The computer has identified the alien vessel as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial with a tinted windshield and retractable headlights.
Captain Kirk: And the little blue and orange numbers?
Mr. Spock: That’s called a “California license plate”, and it’sregistered, or was in 1968, to a corporation known as “NBC”. Wait.. there’s something more.. The computer isn’t sure, but it thinks this NBC used to manufacture cookies.
Captain Kirk: Could that be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: It’s no illusion, Captain. Scanner readings indicate two life forms inside that craft.
Captain Kirk: Mr. Sulu, increase speed to Warp Factor Eight.
Mr. Sulu: But, sir, that’s only for the most extreme emergencies. The ship can’t take it.
Captain Kirk: You heard my order, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: Aye aye, sir.
Captain Kirk: [ recording Log ] Captain’s Log, Stardate 3615.6. On a routine delivery of medical supplies to Earth Colony 9, we are being chased through space by an automobile three centuries old, owned by a company that manufactured cookies. It would all seem silly if it weren’t for this feeling of dread that haunts me, a sense of impending doom.
Mr. Sulu: They’re right behind us, Captain.
Captain Kirk: Let’s lose them, Mr. Sulu. Prepare for evasive action. Helm hard to port! ..Hard to starboard! ..Hard to port!
Mr. Spock: Frankly, Captain, I’m exhausted.
Captain Kirk: Me, too. Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: Look, Captain, it’s no use. We can’t shake them.
Captain Kirk: Then we’ll give them a fight they won’t forget. [ into intercom ] All hands! Man your battle stations! This is not a drill! Red alert! Man your battle stations! Red alert!
Mr. Spock: But, Captain..
Captain Kirk: Lock phasers on target, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: Phasers locked on target, sir.
Mr. Spock: But, Captain, you can’t..
Captain Kirk: Stand by to fire.
Mr. Sulu: Phasers standing by, sir.
Mr. Spock: But, Captain, we don’t know who the aliens are, or what they want. To kill them without warning would be highly illogical.
Captain Kirk: Fact: their intentions are unknown. Fact: I amresponsible for the lives of 430 crewmen. And, fact: I can’t afford totake any chances. Fire main phasers! [ nothing happens ] I said, “Fire main phasers!”
Mr. Sulu: I’m trying, sir. Nothing is happening.
Captain Kirk: Arm and lock photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.
Mr. Sulu: They’re not working either, Captain.
Captain Kirk: Deflectors up.
Mr. Sulu: Captain, the helm does not respond. The controlsare dead.
Mr. Spock: We’re slowing down, Captain. We’re stopping.
Captain Kirk: Bridge to engine room, acknowledge.
Voice of Mr. Scott: [ through control panel ] Scotty here, Captain.
Captain Kirk: What in blazes is going on, Scotty?
Voice of Mr. Scott: I dinna know, Captain. We’re losing power, and I don’t know why!
Captain Kirk: Well, do something, man! Go to manual override. Cut in auxilery systems.
Voice of Mr. Scott: Saints preserve us, Captain, but even theemergency systems are out.
Captain Kirk: Well, fix it, Scotty. I don’t care how, but fix it! The lives of 430 crewmen hang in the balance.
Mr. Spock: Life support system are still operative, Captain.
Captain Kirk: But for how long, Mr.Spock? For how long?Lieutenant Uhura, inform Starfleet Command of our situation.
Lt. Uhura: All communications are dead, Captain.
Dr. McCoy: Jim, Jim.. I.. I.. Jim..
Captain Kirk: Great God, man, spit it out!
Dr. McCoy: The aliens have boarded us, Jim, and they’re headed this way!
Captain Kirk: But how, Bones? How did they get on board? Did they beam on? Did they suddenly materialize?
Dr. McCoy: No, they just sort of stepped out from behind thecurtains.
Mr. Spock: Describe them, Doctor.
Dr. McCoy: There’s two of them. Bipeds, humanoid in appearance.Their clothing is drab except for a bright piece of cloth worn around the neck of the leader.
Mr. Spock: Was their anything else odd about their clothing?
Dr. McCoy: I’m a doctor, not a tailor, dammit! Wait, there was one other thing about them that seemed a bit strange. They spoke English! Quick, Jim, I hear them coming up the Turbo-lift! They’ll be here in seconds!
Captain Kirk: We’ll be ready for them, Doctor. [ they all pointtheir phasers at the entranceway as two executives enter ] Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise. I’m Captain James T. Kirk, representing the United Federation of Planets.
Herb Goodman: Hi, I’m Herb Goodman, head of programming for thenetwork.
Captain Kirk: Stand back, I won’t hesitate to shoot!
Herb Goodman: Can I have your attention. Curtis, you want to turn off those sound effects?
Curtis: Sure thing. [ turns sound effects off ]
Herb Goodman: Everyone, please, can I have your attention? I have an announcement to make. Due to low Nielsen ratings, we at NBC have decided to cancel “Star Trek”.
Captain Kirk: Fire at my command!
Herb Goodman: On your way out, stop by the cashier’s office andpick up your checks.
Captain Kirk: Set phasers on “stun.” Fire!
Dr. McCoy: They’re not firing, Jim!
Captain Kirk: Try “kill!”
Dr. McCoy: Nope, still nothing. Herb Goodman: You’ll make sure the property department gets those things back ,won’t you, fellas?
Mr. Spock: Most peculiar, Captain.. I can only conclude that they possess some sort of weapons deactivator, in which case I shall merely render him unconcious with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.
Herb Goodman: Of course, if it was up to me, you could keep them – as souvenirs, give them to your kids, whatever.. But you see, they’re planning to market a complete line of Trekkie merchandise, and I have to send these to Taiwan to be copied.. [ Mr. Spock applies the Vulcan nerve pinch, but Goodman misinterprets his action ] ..Isn’t that fabric something? You just can’t buy material like this in the States. No way! But I was lucky enough to find this great little tailor who flies in from London four times a year.. oh, Nimoy, we’ll need those ears back, too, I’m afraid. [ pulls Spock’s rubber ears off ]
Dr. McCoy: For God’s sake, man, we’re on a five-year mission toexplore space, the final frontier, and dammit, we’ve only been out three years!
Herb Goodman: Sorry, but it’s those Nielsens. If it was up tome, of course..
Captain Kirk: What are these “Nielsens” that the alienkeeps mentioning, Mr. Spock?
Mr. Spock: If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Nielsenswere a primitive system of estimating television viewers once used in the mid-twentienth century.
Dr. McCoy: If Man were meant to fly, he’d have better ratings, is that what you’re saying, Mr. Goodbody, whatever your name is? Come on, George, Nichelle.. let’s go tie one on.
Lt. Uhura: I’m with you, Kelley.
Mr. Sulu: Maybe I’ll just go home..
Captain Kirk: Belay that kind of talk, Dr. McCoy.
Dr. McCoy: Forget it, Bill. We lost. It’s over. Are you coming, Leonard? [ Spock attempts nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy ] Knock it off, you joker!
Captain Kirk: Wait, Mr. Spock! We have yet to try Vulcan mind meld, where you actually enter the alien’s brain, merge with his intelligence and read his thoughts.
Mr. Spock: I entered Mr. Goodman’s mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain. [ Curtis enters and pries the set apart with a crowbar ] It was all.. all dark and empty in there. And.. and there were little mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web..
Captain Kirk: Spock!
Mr. Spock: I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and once..
Captain Kirk: Snap out of it, Spock!
Mr. Spock: [ with a shudder ] It’s okay, Captain.. I’m alright now.
Herb Goodman: What do you think, Curtis? Any chance we can sell this junk to “Lost in Space”?
Curtis: Well, it all comes apart..
Captain Kirk: Hey, get away from there!
Curtis: Right on, Buck Rogers! Is that an order?
Captain Kirk: No, it can’t end like this! I won’t let it! This is my ship! I give the orders here! I give the commands! I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen, and I’m not going to let them down! There’s got to be a way out!
Curtis: Let’s go, boys.
[ a group of NBC stagehands enter and begin to dismantle the set ]
Mr. Spock: You are becoming quite emotional, Captain. Needless to say, my trained Vulcan mind finds such open displays of emotion distasteful. Emotion, you see, intereferes with logic, and it is only by dealing with problems in a logical, scientific fashion that we can arrive at valid solutions. Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise, I would suggest that we seek some new alternative, based upon exact computer analysis, of course, and taking into consideration elements of.. [ suddenly breaks into a weeping lunatic ] ..Oh, God! I don’t believe it! We’re cancelled! How could they do this? Everyone I know loves the show! I have a contract! What about my contract! I want my ears back!
Herb Goodman: Curtis, can you give me a hand here?
Curtis: I have a couple Valium in my tool box, maybe that’ll help.
[ Spock exits the set ]
Captain Kirk: So, it’s just me, is it? Well, I’ve been in tougher spots. Surrender? No way. I’d rather go down with the ship!
Herb Goodman: Oh, Shatner, your agent called you. Something about a margarine commercial. He said he’d call back.
Captain Kirk: Captain’s Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except for one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live long and prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.
[ camera zooms out to show Captain Kirk/William Shatner sitting alone in what is revealed to be an empty TV studio. Further zoom out reveals studio cameras, boom mikes and technicians. Fade to black ]
Mr. Russo…..Dan Aykroyd Johnny Sagpants…..Garrett Morris Moe Greenstein…..Elliott Gould Ramone Diarga…..Chevy Chase
[ pull down from audience balcony shot to the set below ]
Mr. Russo: Well, I’m ready to play some Poker, Johnny! How soon is this European hotshot gonna arrive?
Johnny Sagpants: Well, any minute now, Mr. Russo. His reply said 9:30.
Mr. Russo: Well, it’s nice of him to grace our humble city of N’awlins though, isn’t it? [ he chuckles ] They say he’s a gentleman of honor, you know? And, Johnny, there aren’t many gentlemen left in the world today.
Johnny Sagpants: Well, uh, they say he’s the best card player in all Europe, so you’d better be on your toes tonight, Mr. Russo!
Mr. Russo: Don’t you worry yourself, Johnny! You just hand me my stakes when I want ’em, then sit back and watch somebodty get taught a lesson!
[ they laugh, as a knock is heard at the door ]
Johnny Sagpants: Oh, that must be them now!
Mr. Russo: Well, show them in, Johnny, by all means. Show them in!
Johnny Sagpants: Yes, indeed!
[ Johnny answers the door ]
Moe Greenstein: Good evening! Excuse us for being late. May I introduce Mr. Ramone Diarga himself! [ Diarga shakes hands with Russo ]
Mr. Russo: Very, very pleased to meet you!
Moe Greenstein: I’m Moe Greenstein, Mr. Diargo’s personal interpretor and backer. And you, sir, you must be Mr. Russo, I presume.
Mr. Russo: My southern hospitable pleasure and honor to meet you gentlemen and welcome you into my home! [ he shakes Greenstein’s hand ] I’d like you to meet my most… [ Diarga kisses Russo’s hand ] trusted manservant, friend and consultant — Johnny Sagpants! [ Johnny nods ] Been with me for thirty years! Johnny, whiskey, please! Gentlemen, please be seated, please sit down here! How about we start with some, uh, Royal Five Card Draw — $1,000 limit, three raises.
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that it’ll be fine with him.
Mr. Russo: Good. Good, good! Well, permit me to have the honor of toasting your visit to out fair city here! [ they stand and toast their glasses ] The honor of the first deal, sir, will go to you.
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]
Mr. Russo: You know, Mr. Diarga, everything in the south of the great nation is indeed an honor! And it is indeed an honor to extend the courtesy to honorable and distinguished gentlemen from the fine, fine nation of Europe! Yesirree! Five Card Draw — a gentlemen’s poker game!
Moe Greenstein: And I know Mr. Diarga agrees with you.
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: He says that it is HIS honor to be honored by your hospitable generosity, Your Honor.
Mr. Russo: Well, I am indeed honored.
[ Diarga deals the cards between himself and Russo, then adds the remaining deck to his hand of cards ]
[ Johnny taps Russo on the shoulder ]
Mr. Russo: Uh — excuse me, excuse me, please! [ to Johnny ] Don’t bother me, Johnny, I’ve got something coming my way here. [ to Diarga ] Uh, you’ve got all the cards in your hand. I believe that’s, uh, that’s not correct, sir. I mean, uh, you have all the…
[ Greenstein mumbles to Diargara in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Diarga responds in kind ]
Moe Greenstein: Oh. Mr. Diarga apologizes, sir. He’s used to the European custom, on the first hand, to hold all the cards if you’re dealing.
Mr. Russo: [ laughing ] Ah! Well, we’ll call it a misdeal! [ Diarga collects all the cards so thet can start over ] I understand you are gentlemen of honor, I’m a gentleman of honor, this was done with honor! You’re a SCHOLAR of honor — [ Diarga grabs one stack of Russo’s stakes ] And wait just a minute now! I believe this belongs to ME!
Moe Greenstein: That’s another custom, sir. It’s a trifle. It’s a custom.
Mr. Russo: Ah! Another custom!
Moe Greenstein: It’s a custom.
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]
Mr. Russo: Well, I accept it with honor. [ Diarga deals the cards ] Yes, indeed. You know, my great-grandfather, David Benoit, was involved in affairs in France, but, uh, he never actually, uh, took me over here, but I knew, uh, except — [ Diarga peeks at Russo’s cards ] Excuse me! Y-y-y-you just looked at my cards, Mr. Diarga! Now, please, I’m afraid you can’t do that!
[ Greenstein and Diarga mumble back and forth to one another in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: [ to Russo, in all seriousness ] You don’t play Dealer’s Look in this country?
Mr. Russo: [ confused ] “Dealer’s Look”? Why, I-I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Once again, sir, Mr. Diarga apologizes and HONORS you with the taking of your stakes in a show of good faith and honor.
[ Diarga collects Russo;s stacks of stakes ]
Mr. Russo: [ more confused ] The taking of my stakes, sir?
Moe Greenstein: Ohhhh, yes. The taking of the stakes. It’s an honor seldom even in the European capitols of your nation.
Mr. Russo: Well!
Moe Greenstein: Once, at Buckingham Palace. You know, sir, Mr. Diarga genuinely respects you, Mr. Russo.
Mr. Russo: Hmm… [ Diarga rises for a toast ] Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [ he stands ]
[ Diarga mumbles his toast in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that he has NEVER encouraged such graciousness and hospitality as New Orleans hosptiality, and that you, sir, are a true-blooded gentleman of great honor! and he says that he will take more stakes — in your honor, sir!
[ Diarga collects more of Russo’s stakes ]
Johnny Sagpants: Mr. Russo, this is ridiculous!
Mr. Russo: Never mind, Johnny. Just get me some more stakes and a few more whiskeys.
Johnny Sagpants: Mr, Russo, man, he is busting your chops!
Mr. Russo: [ sitting down ] Uh — uh — hold it, hold it here! Let’s play a different game, alright? Just for a little variety’s sake. [ he chuckles ] Okay? We’ll just call this a misdeal, shall we?
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga wants to know if you will continue to give him the honor of the first deal?
Mr. Russo: Why, certainly! Certainly! I’d be quite pleased to! Pleased to.
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, then picks Up Russo’s stakes and hands them to Greenstein ]
Moe Greenstein: Uh — he thanks you once again, sir, and he honors you with the giving… of the stakes. This is where he takes your stakes, and he gives them to me — for which I am DEEPLY honored, sir, for your fine Southern hospitality, and I wish to thank you myself, Mr. Russo!
Mr. Russo: Whyyyyy… you’re most welcome! How about a little Blackjack? Maybe I can recoup a bit of my losses here.
[ Greenstein mumbles to Diarga in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
[ Diarga nods, then deals the cards — one facedown to Russo, one facedown to himself; one facedwon to Russo, one face up for himself; then one each face-up for both of them ]
Mr. Russo: Uh, begging your pardon — but I believe you’re supposed to deal one down and one up. Is that not the correct procedure?
[ Diarga and Greenstein mumble to each other in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga apologizes once again, sir, for the mistake, and he drinks to you with both his own AND with your drink.
[ Diarga chugs both drinks ]
Mr. Russo: [ stunned ] Why, I — I am naturally honored, sir! Naturally, I’m honored. [ Diarga grabs more of russo’s stakes and pockets his playing cards ] Uh — excuse me there. I think, uh — well, I —
Johnny Sagpants: [ coming in early ] Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Russo’s cards you got, isn’t it?
Mr. Russo: Uh — yes. Yes.
Ramone Diarga: [ confused ] Blackjack?
Mr. Russo: Ante it up here! [ Diarga deals the cards ] BLACKJACK!! Yes!
Ramone Diarga: Blackjack! [ he deals more cards to Russo ]
Mr. Russo: Wait a minute! I had a Blackjack there!
Moe Greenstein: Sir!
Johnny Sagpants: Wait a minute! Now you’re hitting Mr. Russo’s cards!
Moe Greenstein: Sir! Excuse me. In Europe, the expression “Blackjack” means “Hit me! Give me another card.”
Ramone Diarga: [ still throwing down cards ] Blackjack! Blackjack!
Moe Greenstein: Once again, Mr. Diarga is deeply ashamed and humbled by misunderstanding the New Orleans Blackjack rules.
Mr. Russo: Well! I’m sure it was a misunderstanding with honor, and if that’s okay with —
Moe Greenstein: With HONOR!
Mr. Russo: HONOR!
Moe Greenstein: With honor, sir!
Mr. Russo: We’ll call it a misdeal, and you can just give me back my stake there, if you would, please. Please, sir! Please!
[ Russo grabs for his stakes, but Diarga pushes him back ]
Moe Greenstein: No, no. Mr. Russo…
[ Diarga mumbles in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]
Mr. Russo: Please!
Moe Greenstein: The Count — Diarga — says that you are the most accomodating and hospitable gentleman the world has ever known, sir. And that it would be the GREATEST insult for you to take any money back from him.
Mr. Russo: Uh, well — fine. That’s done with honor! Done with honor! [ he clears his throat ]
Moe Greenstein: He would like another drink, and he says that you are very handsome fellow and he’d like to meet your wife immediately.
Mr. Russo: Well, I — I don’t have a wife. My wife is long since DEAD.
[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein responds ]
Moe Greenstein: In that case, he no longer wishes to meet your wife, uh, and he publicly mourns her and, uh, it’s a great custom in Europe, and privately we feel that we should, uh, return to the hotel and mourn privately.
Mr. Russo: Well! I am indeed IMPRESSED by your gallantry and honor, mourning my wife! [ Diarga and Greenstein collect all the stakes ] I don’t know what to say, except show these gentlemen to the door, please! Please, Johnny! I’m TOUCHED by this show of affection for someone you did not know. I — I — I — I’m very pleased!
[ Diarga and Greenstein grab a pair of candleabras ]
Moe Greenstein: Sir, you’re a most honorable gentleman, it was a privilege to play with you, sir!
Mr. Russo: [ breaking into tears ] I take this as the greatest gesture of honor — indeed, a gesture of honor here and now!
Ramone Diarga: So long, thanks a lot.
[ Diarga and Greenstein exit ]
Johnny Sagpants: Mr. — Mr. — Mr. Russo! Did you hear that? He spoke English!
Mr. Russo: [ sobbing ] Yes, I know! He even took the courtesy to learn the language!
[ Johnny rolls his eyes ]
[ dissolve to audience zoom upon woman, with SUPER: “Who Are We To Judge This Person?” ]
Air Date:
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