Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Gloria Swanson…..Kristen Wiig
James Mason…..Jon Hamm
Liberace…..Fred Armisen

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Now, please welcome your host, the spawn of Moloch – Vincent Price!

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. Nefarious laughter is heard as Vincent Price slowly rises into frame on a prop elevator. A stuffed raven is on his shoulder.]

Vincent Price: All Hallow’s Eve. When the minions of Samhain come back… [ elevator stops mid-frame] Guys, I’m not fully up yet. You gotta keep pressing the…the thing. [ continues as elevator starts going back down ] …to reek havoc on the living, and – guys, wrong way. Wrong way! Up, up, up, up! Guys! [ only the top of his head is in the frame now ] Guys, what’s going on? [ pause ] Broken? Seriously?! …Fine, hold on a second. [ climbs up off elevator into frame ] All right. Well, thank you all for – [ elevator starts to rise ] Guys, I’m out. Stop it! [ looks at camera ] Thank you, and welcome to my Halloween special! Tonight, prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares, as we [ strokes the raven ] have invited over some of our most famous friends for some tricks…and also some treats! They’ve all agreed to wear costumes, so see if you can recognize them.

[ doorbell rings ]

Let’s see who’s at the door. I hope it’s not a pirate and a spooky spaceman! [opens the door ] From the film “Sunset Boulevard,” Miss Gloria Swanson! And from “Lolita,” Mr. James Mason!

[ Gloria Swanson and James Mason enter. Neither one is wearing a costume. ]

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Pirate? I don’t really see a lot of effort as far as dressing like a pirate goes. I thought we agreed you would wear a costume.

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate, can’t you tell? It’s about the acting – I’m an actress. That’s what I do, and when I say I’m a pirate, I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

James Mason: She’s a pirate, Price. My Jolly Roger was at full-mast the whole drive over.

[ He and Price watch as Swanson glides towards the camera ]

Gloria Swanson: Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ unamused ] Okay, very nice. No spaceman costume, James?

James Mason: No, didn’t even open the box. [ chuckles ] Too old-fashioned.

Vincent Price: The suit was too old-fashioned?

James Mason: No, I had two old fashions, and I couldn’t open the box. I’ve been drunk since 11 a.m., Price!

Vincent Price: Please, James, family show!

James Mason: Understood. Say, where are the whores?

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Jeezy-creezy, James! [ looks off-camera ] Gloria, what’s going on over there?

[ cut to Gloria Swanson standing near the fireplace holding a knife up to a pumpkin ]

Gloria Swanson: Get off my pirate ship, or the girl dies!

James Mason: Say, Vincent, do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable? I pissed myself on the way over here. [ Price stares at him in horror/disgust ] Pretty numb down there, so I only know it when it hits my ankles. [ heads towards fireplace ] Gloria, another drink?

Vincent Price: No more drinks! No more drinks! Please! [ organ music starts up ] Now, I’d like to introduce our most horrifying songsmith, ladies and gentlemen – the ghost of Liberace!

[ cut to Liberace playing on a white piano ]

Liberace: Thank you! Well, before I start my song, I wanna show y’all something. [ holds up jewel-encrusted bag ] This is a trick-or-treat bag that was given to me by the president of Argentina. Now, as you can see, it’s covered in sapphires and topazs.

[ Price approaches the piano ]

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] Where’s the ghost costume, Liberace?

Liberace: Ghost? I thought we agreed on restoration France by way of Atlantic City.

Vincent Price: Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars! [ approaches camera ] Now, prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance. I shall recite Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven,” while Liberace provides haunting accompaniment.

[ dramatic piano music starts and a spotlight appears on Price ]

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I ponder weak and weary. [music becomes upbeat ] Over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-” Haunting, Liberace. Haunting! [ annoyed ] “While I nodded nearly-” [ upbeat music continues ] Guys… [ to camera ] Is this music working for you? Because it is not working for me!

Liberace: [ stops playing ] I have some issues with the lyrics.

James Mason: Yes, same here, Vincent. That’s a real downer. Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat. Do you know this one? “There once was a girl named Ragina-“

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Stop! Family show!

James Mason: You don’t even know where it’s going!

Vincent Price: All the same…

James Mason: [ pause ] …Vagina.

Vincent Price: [ sarcastic ] Wonderful. [ glares at him ] Let’s move on to our pumpkin-carving contest. Ready, Gloria?

[ cut to Swanson holding a half-eaten pumpkin ]

Vincent Price: And she’s eaten the pumpkin.

Gloria Swanson: Arrrrrrr!

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] That’s great. Just great. Didn’t wanna throw the brakes on that, James?

James Mason: Well, what can I say, Vincent? I’ve never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.

Liberace: I have!

Vincent Price: [ losing his temper ] Cool it, Liberace! [ doorbell rings ] Ah, local children. Children! I’m reminding all of you, children! Especially…all of you. All right, let’s answer the door! [ mutters ] Ooh, yay, yippee…

[ Price opens door to find a young girl dressed as a princess and a young boy dressed as a sailor ]

Boy/Girl: Trick-or-treat!

Vincent Price: Awww! What are you supposed to be, young lady?

Girl: I’m a princess!

Vincent Price: Oh, how adorable!

James Mason: And you, young man. I imagine you’re dressed as some brand of homosexual.

Boy: You’re mean! I want my mom!

James Mason: [ smugly ] That makes two of us. Tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.

Liberace: Oh, I’m good! [ chuckles ]

[ cut back to the kids running out ]

Vincent Price: Kids, no! Don’t go! [ shuts door ] Thanks, James. Now I’m going to wake up in the morning with a house covered in toilet tissue. [ looks into camera ] Let’s wrap it up! [ organ music starts and the elevator slowly begins to lower ] You have just partaken in a celebration most foul, where phantasms and wraiths… [ Gloria Swanson glides across the frame, blocking Price ] You wanna clear frame there? Just wanna- [ shakes head as she exits ] …wander the earthly plane in search of vengeance upon the living- [elevators stops again mid-frame] Guys, I thought we had this thing fixed! [elevators starts moving up and down] Oh great. Oh great. Oh well, have a happy Halloween everybody! [ yelps as he disappears quickly out of frame ] [ title card comes up overhead ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Thanks for watching!

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

The Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour

Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Michelle Obama…..Maya Rudolph
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Barney Frank…..Bobby Moynihan
Rahm Emmanuel…..Andy Samberg
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Rev. Jeremiah Wright…..Kenan Thompson
Bill Ayers…..Bill Hader

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Barack and Michelle Obama.

[ dissolve to Barack and michelle Obama standing before a glittery curtain ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am Barack Obama, and this is my wife, Michelle. This coming Wednesday, our campaign will run a special thirty-minute address on all four major networks.

Michelle Obama: This airtime was initially purchased so that we could speak to you one last time about the issues.

Sen. Barack Obama: However, with poll numbers putting us so far ahead, we decided now’s the time to play it safe.

Michelle Obama: Instead of a conventional address, we’re going to carefully manage our lead and, well, shake things up…

[ wide shot reveals the full stage with lights all around and Obama’s logo across the stage floor ]

Sen. Barack Obama: With the “Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour”! It’s time to have some fun!

Michelle Obama: Because we got a lead in the polls, and we built it up.

Sen. Barack Obama: We built it up.

Michelle Obama: We built it up.

Together: [ to the tune of “Solid (As A Rock)” by Ashford & Simpson ]
“And now it’s solid
Solid as Barack!
That’s what this lead is
That’s what we got-got-got-got-got-got!”

Sen. Barack Obama: All your favorites from the campaign will be stopping by for songs and skits. Including House Democrats: Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, and Rahm Emmanuel.

[ cut to Frank, Pelosi, and Emmanuel ]

Nancy Pelosi: [ to the tune of “Our House” by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ]
“Our house, is a very, very, very fine house!”

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: “Fine house!”

Nancy Pelosi: “When the Republicans were in charge”

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: “Life used to be so hard.

Nancy Pelosi: “Now everything is easy, ’cause of you-ou-ou-ou.”

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: [ chuckling heartily ] And, of course, a party is never complete without… Bill Clinton.

[ cut to Clinton surrounded by two dancing girls ]

Bill Clinton: [ to the tune of “Don’t You (Forget About Me” by Simple Minds ]
“Don’t you, forget about me
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t!”

[ he holds a thumbs-up pose ]

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Yeah! It’s been a long campaign, so let’s have some good old-fashioned fun… with Senator Joe Biden.

Sen. Joe Biden: [ chuckling ] Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Barack!

Sen. Barack Obama: So, Joe, I’m gonna ask: Why did you say that, if I was elected, a foreign power would test me with an international crisis? [ he looks over ] Hey, what are you eating?

Sen. Joe Biden: Oh, this? [ he holds up a rubber foot ] It’s my foot! In my mouth!

[ they both chuckle heartily ]

Sen. Barack Obama: You’ll even see Rev. Jeremiah Wright and University of Illinois at Chicago Professor Bill Ayers.

[ cut to Wright, with Ayers on keyboard ]

Rev. Jeremiah Wright: [ to the tune of “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley ]
“White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!
White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!”

[ Wright shrugs ]

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: And some serious moments, like Barack meeting the spirit of John F. Kennedy.

[ cut to Barack Obama sitting with eyes closed, as the spirit of John F. Kennedy moves forward ]

Spirit of John F. Kennedy: Hey, Barack Obama. Over the years, there have been many pretenders in the Democratic Party, but you truly are the heir to my legacy.

Bill Clinton: [ steps forward ] Guys! I’m standing right here!

Sen. Barack Obama: Bill Clinton, everybody!

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: So join us, this Wednesday, for the “Barack Obama Variety Half Hour”. I promise it will be…

[ Barack Obama joins her ]

Together: “Solid!”

Michelle Obama: Yes, it is!

Together: “Solid as Barack!”

[ everyone else joins them on stage ]

Together:
“That’s what this show isThat’s what we got-got-got-got-got-got!”

Barack Obama: Don’t forget to vote — FOR ME!!

Everyone:
“Solid!
Solid as Barack!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Viva la Vida”

…..Jon Hamm
…..Coldplay

Jon Hamm: Ladies and gentlemen — Coldplay.

Coldplay: [ singing ]
“I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy’s eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
“Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!”

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn’t believe what I’d become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm’s Monologue

…..Jon Hamm

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!

Jon Hamm: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Aw! It is — it is — it is GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Uh — I have had — I have had a really fun year starring in the critically-acclaimed AMC series, “Mad Men”. [ the audience cheers ] Uh — you know, uh, when I talk to people about “Mad Men”, they always ask me the same questions: “What is ‘Mad Men’?”, “Is that a television show?”, “What is AMC?”, “What number’s that on my cable box?” And “Are you sure you don’t mean A&E?” Not everyone has discovered our show yet.

Uh, so, tonight, in hopes of boosting our ratings, I’d like to tell you what you’ll see if you tune in. “Mad Men” is a… measured period piece, set in the early 1960s, that explores the social mores of advertising excutives who, uh — [ knowing he’s lost the audience ] well, who like to dance! [ he chuckles ] With the stars! It’s a cut-throat elimination celebrity dancing show! And it’s on AMC, ten p.m., on Sunday! Uh — the show stars me… uhhhh, everyone from “C.S.I.”… all of the Phillies, and the Rays… Oh! We also make over homes, but in an extreme way! So don’t miss next week’s episode, it’s — it’s the season finale! And I don’t want to give anything away, but, uh — John McCain and Barack Obama show up… and smoke REAL weed! I can’t believe they agreed to do it, but they did, and it’s on “Mad Men”, ten p.m., Sunday, AMC. It’s — it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, you guys, it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, so watch the WHOLE thing! McCain FREAKS out! It’s crazy! Sarah Palin has to talk him down — she’s there, too!

It’s insane! It’s a great show. Uh, and we have a great show tonight — Coldplay is here. So stick around, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Trick or Treat

Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob Peterson….Jon Hamm

(Opens with a man giving out candy to a couple of little kids on Halloween. He drops candy into their plastic jack o´lanterns.)

Bob Peterson: Here is a Snickers for each of you. And for old times sake, how about a Charleston chew?

Kids: Thank you, Mr. Peterson.

(Kids leave. Mr. Peterson goes back inside, closes his door. A 40 ish man wearing glasses, a mustache and a plastic jack o´lantern approaches Bob´s door and rings the doorbell. Bob opens the door.)

Jeff Montgomery: Trick or treat!

Bob Peterson: Can I help you?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, that depends. You have any Kit-Kat bars? Heck, I´ll take anything without toffee. Its a real bitch on the fillings. Hey, don´t call me a bitch! You´re the bitch, bitch! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, trick or treat.

Bob Peterson: Aren´t you a little old to be trick or treating?

Jeff Montgomery: What? Is 43 too old to be on Halloween´s spirit? By spirit I don´t mean ghost. Heck, I´m not that old! Wha-a-a-at?!

(Bob slams the door in Jeff´s face. Jeff rings doorbell again)

Jeff Montgomery: Look, I realize this is a little unusual but you know, I just moved into the neighborhood and you know, I figured I used trick or treating as an excuse to get out and make some new friends. I apologize for being so awkward.

Bob Peterson: No, you know, that´s quite all right. That wasn´t very neighborly of me and I apologize. Bob Peterson.

(Both shake hands)

Jeff Montgomery: Jeff Montgomery, pleasure to meet you.

Bob Peterson: This doesn´t excuse my behavior but, uh, I hope you accept a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

(Jeff grabs big handfuls of candy from Bob´s plastic jack o´lantern and deposits it into his own)

Jeff Montgomery: I couldn´t think of a better welcoming gift.

Bob Peterson: Just out of curiosity. What exactly is your Halloween costume?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender.

Bob Peterson: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender. Oh, oh, for Halloween!

Bob Peterson: You´re a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Yeah, pretty convincing, huh? Here, watch this: ” I´m Jeff Montgomery. By law I´m required to inform you that I am a repeat offender and I´ll be living in your neighborhood.” Great costume, right? (hands over papers to Bob) Could you sign and date this, please?

Bob Peterson: What am I signing?

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, you will get a big kick out of this! You see, as part of my costume I´m having everyone sign this forms acknowledging that there is a sex offender living in the neighborhood. Et cetera, et cetera.

Bob Peterson: Let´s just be clear on something here. Is sex offender your Halloween costume? Or are you fulfilling a legal obligation to declare yourself a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Its Halloween, huh? Besides, this is a tradition. You know, I do this everytime I move into a new town.

Bob Peterson: Are you Jeff Montgomery, a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Am I, Jeff Montgomery, a registered sex offender on Halloween? Yes.

Bob Peterson: What about not on Halloween?

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, even when it’s not Halloween, I´m still Jeff Montgomery.

Bob Peterson: A sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Look, you´re missing the point here, Bob! The point is Halloween spirit! The point is trick or treat! The point is could you sign those papers?

Bob Peterson: Look, last chance and I will check with the police on this. Do you have a criminal record?

Jeff Montgomery: Absolutely not. Look, if I am guilty of anything its the crime of sexually assaulting 5 teenagers. (long uncomfortable pause) You know, this is gonna sound like a terrible segue but are you looking for a babysitter? Happy Halloween! Wha-a-at?!

(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy ass face)

Caption: Happy Halloween.

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm’s John Ham

…..Jon Hamm

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO 8A — ROCKFELLER CENTER

[ JON HAMM stands centered in a dark background. ]

Jon Hamm: Hello, I’m Jon Hamm. You know – ad executives are always tryingto find new and exciting way to advertise products to the Americanconsumer. Well tonight, I’m here to talk to you about a product thatdoesn’t need any “glitz” or “gloss”. It’s a product that speaks foritself, and I’m proud to endorse it — “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”. The ham youcan eat in the bathroom.

[ Jon holds a box saying JON HAMM’S JOHN HAM. The background behind himlights up to REVEAL a bathroom. ]

Jon Hamm: Let’s face it… we live in a fast paced world. But if you’re as busyas I am, you have to make a decision. Am I going to eat lunch? Or am Igoing to go to the bathroom? Now you never have to make that choice again.

[ Jon strolls over to the bathroom stall behind him and seats himself. ]

Jon Hamm: Each “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” dispenser is located… opposite thetoilet paper dispenser, so you’re not confused. And unlike other bathroomham dispensers, only “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” has the finest boar’s headroasted ham.

[ Jon removes a piece of ham of the ham dispenser and swallows a piece. ]

Jon Hamm: Mmmm. That’s good ham.

[ Jon steps off of the toilet and strolls TOWARDS the camera. ]

Jon Hamm: Now I know what you’re thinking – ‘I’m only endorsing JOHN HAMbecause Jon Hamm is my name’ Well, you’re wrong. You’re dead wrong. Firstof all, my last name has two “M’s” and second of all, my first namedoesn’t have an “H”. Feel like a dummy yet? Because you should. If youorder in the next five minutes, you’ll get a free dispenser of “Jon Hamm’sMUSTARD SOAP”.

[ Jon strolls over to the mirror to a yellow soap dispenser. ]

Jon Hamm: It’s a delicious mustard with no soap properties at all.

[ Jon dispenses some mustard on his hands and takes a lick. ]

Jon Hamm: And if you’re wondering… it tastes great on ham. So what are youwaiting for? Don’t find yourself on the toilet craving high-quality hamslices. Tell your boss to order one for the office today.

[ SUPER: BLUE SCREEN ]

Announcer: To order “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”, call 1-800-555-0199 or go toour website at jonhammsjohnham/ham.ham.com.

Jon Hamm: And remember the “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” motto — if it feels like aslice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.

[ Jon takes another bite of a ham slice. ]

FADE OUT.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Goodnights

…..Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm: Ohhh, my God! Thank you so much to Coldplay! Maya Rudolph! John Slattery! Elizabeth Moss! Thank you all so much, it’s amazing! Once again — Coldplay!

[ the camera pans back over to Coldplay ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Pat Finger

Pat Finger…..Jon Hamm

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Just because we’re small, doesn’t mean our ideas have to be… Don’t you think it’s time to elect someone with big ideas?

[Dissolve to a map showing the location of Butts, NY]

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I’m running for City Council right here in beautiful Butts, New York… You know I grew up here in Butts, so I’m very familar with the sights, the sounds and the smells of Butts Valley. In other words… I’m deeply concerned of what’s going on inside Butts; I promise to improve our bridges and roads with a special focus on repairing potholes. I will do everything in my power to plug up each and every Butts hole… There’s one thing I know it’s this: to get this things done, you’re gonna need a Finger in Butts… [remains in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Finger in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: What do you think is more important? Politics or people? we think… People.

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I’m running for City Council in Butts, New York… I’m still not so sure what’s the darn funny about my last campaign spot but… I want you to know that my passion for Butts is no laughing matter… Loving Butts is a tradition in my family. In 1869, my great grandfather E.T. Finger fell in love with Butts and well, there’s been a whole mess of Fingers in Butts ever since. But things don’t always go smoothly in Butts, in fact we have a pretty serious crack problem, and I want you drug dealers to hear me loud and clear… when I’m elected I can’t wait to lick the crack in Butts! [remains again in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Vote Pat Finger, he’s gonna lick crack in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Isn’t Butts ready for a change?

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I get it now, I know why you’ve been forwarding all my ads to your friends with a header that says “LOL” ha ha, Finger and Butts yeah very funny… Because I’m so serious about protecting the integrity of my campaign, I’ve decided to legally change my name, I know it’s maybe a confusing move in the middle of an election, but I felt the change was for the best. I will probably be taking my mother’s middle name… her family was french canadian but they’ve lived happily in Butts… the town, for over 150 years. So in November 6th, vote for me, Pat Deldeaux [pronounced dildo]… Oh, wait!!!!

[Cut to a photo of Pat Deldeaux along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Deldeaux in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Deldeaux for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

Submitted by: Ramon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women

Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Jessica…..Kristen Wiig
Second Woman…..Casey Wilson
Nathaniel Snerpus…..Fred Armisen
Third Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ dissolve to Don Draper standing in his office ]

Don Draper: Hello, I’m Don Draper, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have affairs with many women.

[ show clips of affair scenes from “Mad Men” ]

Don Draper V/O: Some say, “Boy, Don, how do you do it?”

[ cut back to Don Draper in his office ]

Don Draper: Well, it’s simple. And you can do it, too, if you follow my four easy steps.

Step 1: When in doubt, remain absolutely silent.

[ cue sultry music, as a woman enters Don’s office ]

Jessica: Hi, I’m Jessica.

[ Don remains silent, staring at her intently ]

Jessica: We’re shy, aren’t we?

[ Don remains silent ]

Jessica: [ desperately ] Marry me! I want to have your children!

[ Don stares over Jessica’s shoulder and into the camera with a smirk ]

Don Draper: See?

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 2: When asked about your past, give vague, open-ended answers.

[ cut to Don seated in the executive boardroom, as a second woman approaches him ]

Second Woman: So, Don… tell me about your family. Any brothers and sisters?

[ Don stops what he’s doing, and turns his gaze away from her ]

Don Draper: There… was a man. Bright… shiny shoes. [ he half-smiles ] I saw him dancing… until the accident.

Second Woman: [ she sighs seductively ] Oh, how mysterious!

[ cut to close-up of Don, as he winks at the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 3: Have a great name.

Don Draper: [ cut to group of women giggling in the office, as a male co-worker stands over their cubicle ]

Nathaniel Snerpus: Hi! I’m Nathaniel Snerpus.

[ the women roll their eyes, then rise to get away from him ]

[ one of the women passes Don Draper upon her exit, and stops to introduce herself ]

Third Woman: Well, hello!

Don Draper: Don Draper.

Third Woman: [ swooning ] Let’s get me out of this skirt.

Don Draper: [ Don turns to give a look toward the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: And finally, Step 4:

Look fantastic in a suit.

Look fantastic in casual wear.

Look fantastic in anything.

Sound good.

Smell good.

Kiss good.

Strut around with supreme confidence.

Be uncannily successful at your job.

Blow people away every time you say anything.

Take six-hour lunches.

Disappear for weeks at a time.

Lie to everyone about everything.

Drink and smoke constantly.

Basically… be Don Draper.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Mad Men/Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s

Pete Campbell…..Will Forte
Peggy Olson…..Elisabeth Moss
Harry Crane…..Bobby Moynihan
Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Roger Sterling…..John Slattery
Salvatore Romano…..Bill Hader
Joan Holloway…..Casey Wilson
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on animated “Mad Men” title card ]

[ dissolve to Sterling Cooper conference room, cigarette smoke wafting throughout the room ]

Pete Campbell: Where are these clients? Peggy, what time is it?

Peggy Olson: Don’t ask me. I’m just a woman; I’m not allowed to own a watch.

Pete Campbell: With good reason! I’m starving. I’m just going to eat something.

Harry Crane: Oh, I wouldn’t, until Don gets here.

Pete Campbell: He won’t care. Trust me.

[ Campbell reaches for a sandwich, as Don Draper bursts into the room ]

Don Draper: Campbell, put the sandwich down! They’re for clients!

Pete Campbell: Come on, Doooonn!

Don Draper: Fine! Do whatever you want!

[ Don Draper takes his seat, as Roger Sterling bursts into the room ]

Roger Sterling: Campbell! Put the sandwich down!

Pete Campbell: [ defeated ] Yes, sir…

Salvatore Romano: [ effeminately ] Who calls in the morning, and expects an ad pitch on the same day?

Don Draper: Clients!

Roger Sterling: Rich clients!

[ Joan Holloway saunters into the room ]

Joan Holloway: Mr. Sterling? Mr. Draper? Your clients have arrived.

Don Draper: Send them in, Miss Holloway.

Joan Holloway: I’m leaving. Wanna watch?

[ she saunters out of the room, as all the men stare with intense passion, except for Romano ]

[ Male and Female A-Hole suddenly enter the room, dressed in period wardrobe ]

Male A-Hole: Ready to hear some pitches, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ smacking her gum ] Yeah.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: And now… “Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s.”

[ dissolve back to conference room ]

Welcome. My name’s Don Draper. [ shakes Male A-Hole’s hand ]

Male A-Hole: Your hair looks hard!

Don Draper: Yeah. [ he chuckles, then shakes Female A-Hole’s hand ] And you look lovely.

Female A-Hole: I’m sick.

Don Draper: Oh. [ he pulls back his hand ] Great…

Roger Sterling: Well, uh, please — have a seat.

Male A-Hole: Sure.

[ they sit ]

Don Draper: Would you like something to drink.

Male A-Hole: Want a drink, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: She wants something to drink!

Don Draper: Yeah… I heard her. What would you like?

Male A-Hole: What do you want, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ as she plays with her hair ] Guess!

Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess!

Don Draper: I heard her! [ thinking ] Uhhh — Gimlet?

Roger Sterling: Martini?

Harry Crane: Harvey Wallbanger?

Salvatore Romano: Grasshopper?

Pete Campbell: Oh, I know! She probably wants an egg cream.

Female A-Hole: I want a sandwich with lettuce!

Male A-Hole: Yeah. She’s hungry now.

Don Draper: Oh. Well, uh — [ acknowledges the sandwich tray ] All this food is for you. Help yourself.

Male A-Hole: They got us food, babe!

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaaayyyyy…

Male A-Hole: [ as he touches each sandwich with licked hands ] That’s ours… that’s ours now… that’s ours… that’s ours… you can have that.

Don Draper: Okay, great! Should we move on?

Male A-Hole: You want to move on, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ she holds up a cigarette ] I need a light for my cigarette.

Male A-Hole: I got it. [ he pulls out a lighter ] Here you go, babe. Yuo want me to spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark it, babe? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark your cigarette? [ he flicks the lighter ] Cigarette, bave? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark-a-rette? [ he flicks the lighter ]

Don Draper: Okay, here — allow me.

[ Don Draper lights her cigarette, but she quickly extinguishes it and drops the cigarette ]

Female A-Hole: Smoking’s queer.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she doesn’t smoke.

Don Draper: Alright, uhhh — before we get started, uh — [ he flicks his cigarette ] I gotta be honest, uh, we received the prototype for your product, and we’re a bit confused. Uh — [ he picks up a weird-looking hula hoop ] What is this?

Male A-Hole: It’s a hula hoop with a strap on it! Show him how it works, babe. [ he places it over her head ] Look at this. Put it on like that. Check it! [ as the hula hoop dangles around her waist, she barely moves a muscle ] Look at how much fun she’s having! Look at her face!

Don Draper: I have to say… I am at a loss for words.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, it’s brilliant, right?

Don Draper: No. Because I don’t know how to sell it.

Male A-Hole: I know how to sell it. Celebrity endorsements. Like Marilyn Monroe. You guys know who Marilyn Monroe is?

Don Draper: Yes. Of course.

Male A-Hole: Babe! Do your Marilyn Monroe impression.

Female A-Hole: [ she raises her hand ] Happy Birthday.

Male A-Hole: [ smiling ] You guys get it? Huh? [ to Peggy ] You get it, Bangs?

Peggy Olson: Yes! It’s funny!

Male A-Hole: Marilyn Monroe? [ to Sterling ] Silver Fox? You get it?

Roger Sterling: It’s a good one.

Male A-Hole: [ to Romano ] What about you, gay guy?

Salvatore Romano: Who, meeeeeee??

Roger Sterling: Well, uh — I’m sorry, I guess we need a little more time.

Don Draper: No, wait… wait. [ he stands, as dramatic music plays ] The truth is, this hula hoop with suspenders doesn’t do anything. But, nowadays, we are expected to maintain our jobs, our families, our bodies, and our mortality. Isn’t doing nothing the ultimate luxury? We spend our lives jumping through hoops. Isn’t it time we… relaxed, inside one? [ Peggy nods ] ‘Cause none of us are angels… but we all occasionally deserve a halo. Gentlemen… these suspenders aren’t holding up some plastic ring… they’re suspending reality! They’re suspending our childhood! This isn’t just a hula hoop. It’s the circle of life!

[ Harry Crane fights a tear and runs out of the room, as the other executives applaud ]

Roger Sterling: So! What do you say?

Male A-Hole: No.

Female A-Hole: It’s stupid.

Roger Sterling: Alrighty, then. I’ll see you out. It’s, uh, noon — I’m on my way to the bar, anyway.

Female A-Hole: Wait. Your pocket square looks like a rabbit.

Roger Sterling: [ he glances downward and smiles ] So it does!

[ fade ]

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