Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 25th, 2008 Jon Hamm Coldplay None Elisabeth Moss John Slattery Maya Rudolph None
Road to the White HouseSummary: Sen. Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) and Rep. John Murtha (Darrell Hammond) make crazy statements while speaking at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania. Recurring Characters: Joe Biden. Transcript
Montage
Jon Hamm’s MonologueSummary: Jon Hamm uses an amalgam of gimmicky reality-based programming to fool new viewers into tuning into “Mad Men” on AMC. Transcript
Trick or TreatSummary: A registered sex offender (Will Forte) makes a clumsy introduction while trick-or-treating at his neighbor’s (Jon Hamm) house. Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s episode hosted by Brian Williams. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Rasta Man”, Andy Samberg performs a rastafarian rap. Transcript
Mad Men/Two A-Holes at an Ad Agency in the 1960sSummary: Don Draper (Jon Hamm) and the ad executives at Sterling Cooper strain to come up with a serious campaign for a suspendered hula hoop invented by a couple of A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig). Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole. Transcript
The Barack Obama Variety Half-HourSummary: In lieu of a serious message this Wednesday night, Barack (Fred Armisen) and Michelle Obama (Maya Rudolph) will host and sing their praises in a star-studded variety program. Recurring Characters: Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank, Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, John F. Kennedy. Transcript
Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up WomenSummary: Don Draper (Jon Hamm) demonstrates the keys to success in picking up women by making the least effort possible. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers anchors solo after announcing that co-anchor Amy Poehler gave birth earlier in the day. Robo-Call (Will Forte). Ralph Nader (Bill Hader). Political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events. Maya Rudolph and Kenan Thompson perform a brief duet as tribute to Amy Poehler giving birth. Recurring Characters: Ralph Nader, Nicholas Fehn. Transcript
Variety VaultSummary: From 1959, it’s “Vincent Price’s (Bill Hader) Halloween Special”, featuring a lack of cooperation from Gloria Swanson (Kristen Wiig), James Mason (Jon Hamm), Liberace (Fred Armisen), and a prop elevator. Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, James Mason, Liberace. Transcript
Jon Hamm’s John HamSummary: Jon Hamm promotes the perishable delight that allows businessmen to have lunch and use the bathroom without going over company time. Transcript
Coldplay performs “Lost”
Pat FingerSummary: Pat Finger (Jon Hamm) is running for office in Butts. Transcript
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson …..Gov. Sarah Palin Eskimos…..Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:
Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you’re the richest man on earth.
Former Vice President Dan Quayle has advised vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin to “just be yourself”. Unfortunately, he spelled “yourself” with three l’s and a 6.
Seth Meyers: Newark, New Jersey’s, Catholic Archbishop is upset that part of Bill Maher’s new movie, “Religulous”, was filmed at his parish — but not as upset as he was the day the Lord chose him to be Archbishop of Newark.
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, this week, wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel. Using phrases such as “tough as a three dollar steak” and “just another day at the office.” Not to be outdone, Judge Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to Penthouse.
Amy Poehler: According to a new survey, black people in America save and invest less money than white people. A decision, I’m guessing, black people are feeling pretty good about right now.
In a new memoir, “Brady Bunch” star Maureen McCormick admits that she was a cocaine fiend, who swapped sex for drugs, partied at the Playboy Mansion, and slept with co-star Barry Williams. This comes on the heels of last summer’s hot memoir, “Tiger: Anybody’s Bitch”.
Seth Meyers: Sex offenders in Maryland are now required to post signs on their doors that read: “No candy at this residence,” on Halloween or face a possible parole violation. They are also being required to take down the signs that read: “Knock if you can keep a special secret.”
Amy Poehler: In Wednesday night’s debate, the major party candidates sparred over issues ranging from health care to the economy to Roe v. Wade. Missing from that debate were several minor party candidates who could have a profound effect on the election. Here, representing the Write-In Party, Tim Calhoun.
Tim Calhoun: [ gripping the microphone nervously, then motions his hands throughout his speech ] I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for the office of President of… [ consults his note cards ] America.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
I think I would make a real good president, ’cause I’m hockey dad… soccer uncle… football cousin… ping-pong brother… and Donkey Kong best friend.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
My opponents have been using my full name to scare people. Is it my fault that my middle name is “Boo!”?
[ he flips to his next note card ]
According to ne blind poll, I’m a real good lover. [ he nods ] The blind Pole’s name is Masha. And I think it also helps that she has no sense of smell.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
I’m going to take a moment to draw attention to my flag pin. [ he glances down at both lapels, but sees no flag pin ] Where’d it go..? Oh, yeah. [ he turns around to reveal a giant flag pin on his back, then turns back around in his seat ]
[ he flips to his next note card ]
Here’s where I stand on issues: The economy is looking real ugly… but I’ve been there. So I propose we take the economy, put a bag over its face, shotgun a few beers, and then just get it over with.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
“Drill, baby, drill.” No way! Not on my teeth! I hate baby dentists!
[ he flips to his next note card ]
Sometimes sirens are just too loud. I propose we make a quieter siren, for library fires.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun. Isn’t it about time America had a president with two extra toes and webbed feet?
Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everyone!
Seth Meyers: It is rumored that Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce has been caused by Madonna’s relationship with Yankee Alex Rodriguez. This, after Rodriguez announced he was separating from his wife of six years, Derek Jeter.
Amy Poehler: Belgian Luc Costermans, this, week broke the world blind driver speed record, reaching a top speed of 192 mph. That’s what they told him, anyway. [ photo: Luc Costermans sitting in front of a giant fan while using a frisbee as a steering wheel ]
A woman in California, who took her twelve-year-old daughter to a park to fight another girl, has been arrested after allegedly joining in the fight. [ feigning tears ] I, for one, can only imagine what it’s like to have a mother who loves you that much.
Seth Meyers: Retired surgeon Gary Michelson is offering $75 million to the first person or group who can come up with new ways to sterilize cats and dogs. Meanwhile, cats and dogs are offering $80 million to anyone who can assassinate Gary Michelson.
Amy Poehler: America’s financial crisis has spilled over into Europe, with European markets plunginging 22% last week. Here, with a firsthand perspective on the situation, is the top Def Jam comedian in Europe, France’s own Jean K. Jean.
Jean K. Jean: Well, whoo! Alright! Bonjour, Amy! Bon to the jour, Seth!
Amy Poehler: Hey, Jean! Now, do you see evidence of financial collapse in your country?
Jean K. Jean: Oh, absolutely, Amy! People are BROKE up in France! Brothers be eatin’ pan au chocolate without the chocolate! Just PAN!! You know, I saw a mon the other day — he didn’t even have a ROOF on his imaginary HOUSE!! I’m telling you! Last week, I went to the supermarchet, to get a bottle of Perrier. Man, all I could afford was a glass of TAP WATER and a straw to blow my own bubbles!
[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]
In-cre-able! It’s gettin’ cold out by my house. I live up in Marsay. It’s so cold up in Marsay, brothers aren’t wearin’ berets. They’re wearin’ brrrrrrr-ets! If it gets any colder, I’m gonna have to go to the beach wearin’ TWO speedos!
[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]
In-cre-able! France got a new First Lady, y’all! That’s right! Carla Bruni is up in the maison! She is FINE!! Whoo, she’s fine! Gave me a baguette in my pants! And y’all know the other European leaders be jealous, right? If Angela Myrtle look at her, it be like, “Hmm! I bet she thinks she’s all that and a bag of palm fries!” Carla Bruni’s so fine, she goes to the GA Summit, they’ll have to rename it the “GA That Bitch FINE Summit!”
[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]
Tout et lourdes! Okay, I love you!
Amy Poehler: Jean K. Jean, everyone!
Seth Meyers: Two Indonesian men believe they were put into a trance by a mystic, causing them to get tattoos of dragons on their faces after being promised jobs as government intelligence officers. The mystic’s name? Captain Morgan.
A second teenager has been left at an area hospital under Nebraska’s new safe-haven law, which allows parents to abandon their children without fear of prosecution. Or, what is known in Manhattan, as boarding school.
Amy Poehler: After two weeks of cancelled shows on her “Rock Witchu” tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she has been suffering from “migraine-associated vertigo”. So, while she may not be able to “rock witchu”, she could still “sit witchu” or “lean against something really stable witchu”.
Seth Meyers: And now, here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin.
Gov Sarah Palin: Thank you, Seth. Thanks, Amy. And thanks for the chance to come out here tonight. But I’ve been thinking it over, and… I’m not going to do the piece we rehearsed.
Seth Meyers: But you were so good at it.
Gov Sarah Palin: Oh, I know. It was really fun, too. But my gut is telling me it might be a bad idea for the campaign.
Seth Meyers: Are you sure?
Gov Sarah Palin: Yeah. After a lot of thought, I think it might just cross the line.
Seth Meyers: Okay, well… in that case, Amy, do you want to do Governor Palin’s part instead?
Amy Poehler: I-I guess I could give it a try.
Seth Meyers: Do you remember it?
Amy Poehler: I kind of remember it… [ in hardcore rap demeanor ] 1. 2. 3…
[ a beat kicks in ]
“My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me! Vice-prezzy nominee of the G.O.P.! Gonna need your vote, in the next election! Can I get a what-what, from the senior section? McCain got experience McCain got style! But don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile! ‘Cuz that smile be creepy But when I’m V.P. All the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me!”
[ two Eskimos enter and stand behind amy ]
Amy Poehler: “How’s it go, Eskimos?”
Eskimos: “Eskimos!”
Amy Poehler: “Tell, tell me what you know, Eskimos!”
Eskimos: “Eskimos!”
Amy Poehler: “How ya’ feel, Eskimos?”
Eskimos: “Ice cold!”
Amy Poehler: “Tell, tell me what you feel, Eskimos!”
Eskimos: “Super cold!”
Amy Poehler: “I’m Jeremiah Wright, ‘cuz tonight I’m the preacher, I got a bookish look, and you’re all hot for teacher.”
[ reveal Seth Meyers and Gov. Sarah Palin enjoying Amy’s rap, as Todd Palin joins the performance ]
Amy Poehler: “Todd looking fine, on his snow machine So hot for each other, need a go-between In Wasilla, we just chill, baby, chilla But when I see oil, it’s…”
All: “Drill, baby, drilla!!”
Amy Poehler: “My country tis of thee From my porch, I can see Russ-ia and such.
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up! All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up! All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up! All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up!”
[ reveal Gov. Sarah Palin raising the roof ]
Amy Poehler: “When I say Obama, you say Ayers!Obama!”
Eskimos: Ayers!
Amy Poehler: Obama!
Eskimos: Ayers!
Amy Poehler: “I built me a bridge, and it ain’t going nowhere! Ooooohhhhhhhh!
McCain/Palin Gonna put the nail in The coffin, of the media elite!”
Eskimos: “She likes red meat!”
[ an extra in a moose costume crosses the set ]
Amy Poehler: “Shoot a mutha humpin’ moose, eight days of the week!”
[ a shotgun blast fells the moose ]
Amy Poehler: “Now you’re dead! Now you’re dead! ‘Cuz I’m an animal, and I’m bigger than you! Holdin’ a shotgun, workin’ the pump! Everybody party, we goin’ on a hunt!”
All: “La la la la la la la la!!”
[ shotgun blasts ]
Amy Poehler: “Yo, I’m Palin! I’m out!”
[ Amy and her entourage exit, as snow begins to fall ]
Seth Meyers: [ to Palin ] I think, uh — I think you made the right decision not to do that.
Gov Sarah Palin: You betcha!
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Gov Sarah Palin: I’m Sarah Palin! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig Michelle (on phone)…..Amy Poehler Dick Dunkendirk…..Josh Brolin
[ opening graphics ]
Announcer: It’s… “The Suze Orman Show”!
[ dissolve to Orman on her set ]
Suze Orman: Hello, my friends! And welcome to a special episode of “The Suze Orman Show”. As you all know right now, our country’s financial health is, as my sweet rabbi used to say, “sucking wind.” How bad is this crisis? Well, my dear, dear friends, let me answer that question WITH a question. Have you ever left a bowl of broccoli in your microwave while you went out of town for a year? Then came home to a stench so foul it caused your hair to stand on end and then repart itself on the other side? Well… I… have! And I’ll tell you, the smell doesn’t even compare to the hot FUNK that is rising from our country’s economy! One good thing that has come out of this chaos is that I have been everywhere lately. I’ve been on “Oprah”, “Larry King”, “The Today Show”… I’ve been busier than the map of the world fabric that lines my favorite safari vest that I got in a gift bag two years ago when I attended the release party of the new Snapple flavor African Berry Tea Blossom Lemon!
We are going to open the phone lines early tonight, my dear people friends. Because I know you have a lot of questions! So, like I say to my life partner when she’s hugging our glow-in-the-dark constellations quilt that I got from my favorite store in the Phoenix Airport, Dream Spirit Catcher of the Horse Wind”… “Come on, baby, lay it on!” Hello, is this Michelle?
Michelle (on phone): Uh, yes. Hi, Suze, thanks for taking my call.
Suze Orman: How can I help you, Michelle, my belle?
Michelle (on phone): Well, we just bought a house last year, and we have quite a bit of money tied up in stocks…
Suze Orman: Hold it right there, Michelle. I already know what your question is. You were going to ask me, “Suze, where the F did you get that jacket?”
Michelle (on phone): Uh, no. I was actually going to ask…
Suze Orman: Well, here’s the scoop-a-doop doop: I won this jacket at a silent auction in 1999. I had to have it as soon as I heard it was worn in by an extra in an episode of “Suddenly Susan”. And, sorry, Michelle, I will keep this jacket until the day I die! Literally! Because I am going to be buried in it when I take my final dirt nap! Does that answer your question, Michelle?
[ hang-up sound effect ]
Suze Orman: Onward and outward. The next caller is here on the show, via satellite from Colorado. Please welcome Dick Dunkendirk. Hello, boyfriend!
Dick Dunkendirk: Hello, Suze! I love your show!
Suze Orman: And so… do… I! Dick, I understand in the past few weeks, you, like so many, lost everything.
Dick Dunkendirk: I sure have, Suze. The only things I have left in my name are a portable shed and two incomplete decks of Cranium cards. Literally! It’s funny, a couple of years ago I considered it a problem deciding which sushi restaurant to take my Romanian supermodel girlfriend to. Now I have to decide between using my Mr. Coffee filters as toilet paper, or sewing them together to make a fake shirt to wear on job interviews! [ he laughs ] Help me out here, Suze! I really screwed the poodle!
Suze Orman: Okay, I’m going to give it to you straight, boyfriend.
Dick Dunkendirk: Okay!
Suze Orman: I think it’s time for you to bust into your emergency savings account. Sorryyyy!
Dick Dunkendirk: Uh, Suze, I-I don’t think that you heard me right. I have NOTHING! I-I took a sponge bath this morning in a TJ Maxx bathroom. It’s grim, Suze.
Suze Orman: Okay, then I hate to say it, but it’s time for you to take the penalty and cash in a small percentage of your pension. Okay, my dear? All better?
Dick Dunkendirk: Nnnno! Not okay. Not all better. You know, yesterday I caught a roach and I thought about selling it to someone in a nursing home as a pet. So, let me repeat: things are not good! [ he laughs nervously ]
Suze Orman: Okay, then, now I get it. This… is… serious. The very first thing you need to do is combine all your checking and savings accounts, and put them into a Roth IRA immediately!
Dick Dunkendirk: My bed is four opened pizza boxes lined with Pampers! Okay?
Suze Orman: And then take what’s left over and get a small apartment, lease a car, and start over.
Dick Dunkendirk: Hey! Crazy Cakes! You’re not hearing me! Last night, I cooked my own hair over a match and ATE it! Oh, and did I mention I sold my nipples to a medical school? [ he lifts his shirt to reveal bandages where his nipples once were ] Bye! [ he walks away ]
Suze Orman: What a wonderful story! Well, that is it for today. Look, I know a lot of you are feeling hopeless in this current financial crisis, so I suggest, for just a few hours, you turn off the news, put down the paper, and curl up with a good book. This one always brightens my mood — it’s an entire book of cats painted into great works of art, and it’s called “Master Pussies”. [ she holds up the book ]
I hope you enjoyed today’s show as much as I did. I especially had a great time with Dick, and that’s the first time I’ve ever said that phrase! But, before I say goodbye, I want you to remember, friends: it’s people first, then money, then things, then jackets. Bye bye, now!
Sue….Kristen Wiig Chris….Josh Brolin Grace….Amy Poehler Grace´s husband….Will Forte Rick….Bill Hader Kath….Casey Wilson
(Opens with a Japanese restaurant, cut to inside of it. A group of friends are sitting in the dojo looking room. It has a tiny table, everyone sits around it on the floor with the shoes off. A fish tank filled with lobsters is in the back)
Chris: So, thank you guys for coming tonight. I´m sure you´re all probably wondering what´s this dinner all about. And I got some great news! I´m planning on proposing to Kath tonight.
(Sue with her big multicolored sweater is getting excited)
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-od!
Chris: She thinks this is just gonna be a casual dinner just with family and friends. She has no idea that I´m gonna pop the question. Ok?
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-od!
Grace: How romantic.
Grace´s Husband: Yeah, I bet she´s gonna cry.
Sue: Oh, my God! Here?! At Takasowi´s?!
Rick: Yes, Sue. What´s going on with you?
Sue: I love surprises! I love being involved! Oh, God! I´m so FRICKIN´excited!
(Sue rocks back and forth)
Chris: Well, thanks for being here cause I´m happy too. You´re all so special to her and I know its going to mean a lot to her having you here so much.
Sue: When is it happening?
Chris: Soon. But look, before she gets here I want to go over how exactly is gonna work. Because you know, I´m a little nervous myself.
Grace: Oh, I remember when—
Sue:(containing her excitement) I´m sorry! She does not know this is happening! Oh, God! We do! We KNOW!
Chris: Sue, calm down. We know, its fine, its fine. Look, she´s gonna text me when she´s almost here and I just need you guys to act normal. I don´t want her to have any idea that this is happening.
(Sue can´t barely contain herself, she stuffs a handful of butterfly fritters on her mouth)
Rick: Sure. Sue? Sue? Sue? Are you all right?
Sue:(chewing) I get weak and then I got hungry and now my mouth is…(unintelligible mumbling)
Grace´s Husband: Sue, you need to get a hold of yourself.
Sue: Yeah, I´m all right. (drinks water) I´m gonna do it! Oh, God!
Chris: Grace, look, what do you think? I´m trying to decide whether I just present the ring or maybe I should hide it in her food…
Sue: HIDE IT!!! She is gonna come in here! She´s gonna think this is all about sushi but it is not! Oh, God! Her life is gonna change! She is not expecting this!
Grace: Well, I think hiding it in the food is very romantic.
Grace´s Husband: Yes, it is definitely a surprise.
Chris: (checking phone) Oh, my God! Here it is. She just texted me. My gosh, she´s gonna be here any minute. Oh, I´m really nervous, I´m really nervous. (looks over to Sue) What is she doing?
(Sue rolls around the floor, grabbing her mat and folding it around her)
Sue: She texted you!! Guys, she´s gonna be here soon!! What are we doing?! What are we doing?!
Chris: Sue, get up! Don´t ruin this. Oh, shoot. I have to think, I have to think, I have to think…all right. So, real quickly, this is where Kath is gonna be, she´s gonna be eating and then she´ll find the ring…..
Sue: (rocking sideways) Yes…yes…
Chris:….then I´m gonna say a bunch of stuff like mushy stuff, but I won´t do that. I´ll save that stuff for the real thing. And then I´m gonna pop the question and she´ll say….I don´t know. What do you think she´ll say?
Sue: I DO-O-O-O!!! (arms up in the air) That´s what she´s gonna say!!! She´s gonna say yes!!!
Grace: Sue, Sue what is wrong with you?
Chris: Oh, my God, guys! She´s coming, she´s coming. Sue, I think you should just get out of here. Rick, get her out of here.
(Rick takes Sue away)
(Kath enters the restaurant)
Kath: Hi, sweetie.
Chris: Hi, honey.(kiss)
Grace´s Husband: How you doing?
Kath: Hey, I thought Sue was coming.
(Sue is behind the fish tank biting on the collar of her sweater)
Grace´s Husband: She went to wash her hands.
Grace: Yeah, she should be back any minute.
Rick: She´s back.
(Sue has a lobster´s claw clamped in her mouth)
Kath: What is Sue doing?
Chris: Oh, she´s just– she´s just joking around.
Kath: Ok, well….
Sue: Things are gonna change for you tonight!!!
Rick: Sue, don´t.
Sue: There´s a surprise for you!! What?! Oh, God! Question coming…something I can´t talk about!! Who?!! Him and You!!! Tonight!! It is happening!! Oh, my God! Don´t look at your food!!! Oh, stop it!! Who said that?! I´m saying!!! Oh, God here it comes!! Oh, God Here it comes!! I´m gonna say it!! Oh, God! oh, God! Here it comes!!!
Rick: Sue, shut up, shut up!
(Waiter comes with tray)
Waiter: Glass wine?
(Sue takes the wine, splashes it on her own face and smashes the glass on her head, falls unconscious)
Kath: What is happening?!
Chris: This isn´t exactly how I wanted to do it but I don´t want this surprise to get ruined before I have this chance so….
(Chris takes ring out and gets down on one knee)
Kath: Oh, my gosh!
Grace: Oh, he´s getting on one knee.
(Sue gets up all excited)
Sue: ONE KNEE!!! I LOVE TRADITION!!!
(Sue jumps through the paper partition doors of the restaurant)
Chris: Kath, will you marry me?
Kath: Oh, my gosh, Chris! Yes! Yes! (hugs Chris)
Rick: Congratulations.
Kath: We´re getting married.
(Sue jumps back in through the hole, grabs a piece of the door)
Sue: AHH, SHE SAID YES!!! THERE´S GONNA BE A WEDDING!!! AAAHHH!!
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis Woman…..Casey Wilson Man with dog…..Bobby Moynihan Stocky black man…..Kenan Thompson Executive…..Fred Armisen
[ quick-cut footage of Wall Street localities ]
Spokesman V/O: Wall Street. The financial capitol of the world. It can be a pretty scary place these days.
[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]
Spokesman: Especially when your portfolio’s in someone else’s hands! That’s why, at Readitrade.com, we put the trading power in your hands.
[ quick-cut footage of various investors living the high-life: drinking lattes, catching cabs, etc. ]
Spokesman V/O: With your Readitrade account, you can manage your portfolio in your own way. so you can enjoy that latte, while you sell your stocks.
[ cut to man playing with his dog as he checks his investments online ]
Spokesman V/O: Or… spend time with an old friend. While you sell all your old stocks.
[ cut to stocky black man talking on the cell phone as he checks his investments online ]
Spokesman V/O: You can even warn friends to sell their stocks, while you sell every one of your stocks.
[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]
Spokesman: With Readitrade.com, you can do ANYTHING you WANT to do in today’s market!
[ options scroll up the screen ]
Spokesman V/O: Sell stocks. Sell bonds. Sell annuities. Sell your 401(k). Sell your spouse’s 401(k). Sell your parent’s house. Sell your aluminum siding. Sell things you took from church. Sell mutual fund shares. Sell drugs. Or change your password.
[ cut to stocky black man checking the web site from his home ]
Spokesman V/O: Plus, our easy-to-use web site makes trading a snap!
[ cut to Spokesman walking down Wall Street ]
Spokesman: So check us out at Readitrade.com.
[ an executive stumbles out of building carrying boxes, bumps into Spokesman and tumbles to the pavement ]
Spokesman V/O: Now featuring Readitrade mobile. Cell phone alerts that’ll let you know when the entire finally has finally collapsed.
[ executive checks his investments over his cell phone, then screams in horror ]
Tim Lydecker…..Jason Sudeikis Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey Reporter 1…..Fred Armisen Reporter 2…..Will Forte …..Lorne Michaels …..Gov. Sarah Palin …..Mark Wahlberg …..Alec Baldwin
[ open on C-Span logo ]
Announcer: We now take you live to the press confenrece of vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.
[ dissolve to press conference setting ]
Tim Lydecker: Good evening, I’m Tim Lydecker, Sarah Palin’s spokesman, and we’re very excited to be holding the Governor’s first official press conference. Now, tonight, nothing is off-limits — while, at the same time, I urge you guys to be cool. Seriously, guys, just be cool. And one last thing: no recording devices, and don’t write anything down.
[ the reporters express their opposition to this rule ]
Tim Lydecker: [ in mock surrender ] Okay, alright, alright! It was worth a shot! Can’t blame me for trying. Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin.
[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters and stands behind the podium ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media, as well as the liberal regular media. I am lookin’ forward to a portion of your questions, so let’s get started. [ points ] Yes, you?
Reporter 1: What were your thoughts on Senator McCain’s debate performance Wednesday?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, I just thought he was great. Because the American people are angry. And John McCain is angry, too. And you can tell he’s angry by the way he sighs and grits his teeth, and he’s always goin’ like: [ she makes a growling noise ] And that Barack Obama? Well, if he’s angry, I certainly can’t tell. His voice is smooth, and, when he’s talkin’, it’s like an angel whispering in your ear. He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill. So, to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great. [ points ] You, guy?
Reporter 2: Yeah, at a rally in North Carolina this week, you said that you like to visit the “pro-America parts of the country”. Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, that was just my lame attempt at a joke. But, um, yes — New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware and California. [ she gives a thumbs-down ] But, then, also, too, you have states like Ohio and Pennsylvania and Florida, which could be real, real anti-American or real, real pro-American. It’s up to them. [ she winks ] And now, I’d like to entertain everybody with some fancy pageant walkin’.
[ she begins to strut the stage ]
[ cut to backstage, where Lorne Michaels and the real Sarah Palin stare at Tina Fey’s performance on a monitor ]
Lorne Michaels: I really wish, uh, that that had been you.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, Lorne, you know, I just didn’t think it was a realistic depiction of how one of my press conferences woulda gone.
Lorne Michaels: Yes, but it’s obviously it’s a heightened reality.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Why couldn’t we do the “30 Rock” sketch I wrote?
Lorne Michaels: Honestly, not enough people know that show.
[ Mark Wahlberg enters ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Mark? Mark!
Mark Wahlberg: I’m looking for Andy Samberg. Where is he?
Lorne Michaels: Mark, that was all in good fun.
Mark Wahlberg: Are you gonna make me bust your head open, too? Because I will. Where is he?
Lorne Michaels: [ pointing ] Third dressing room on the left.
Mark Wahlberg: Thank you.
[ he storms off ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to Palin ] He didn’t like the impression we did of him on the show.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Tell me about it.
[ Alec Baldwin enters ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey, Lorne. Hey, Tina. Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can’t let Tina go out there with that woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I mean, good Lord, Lorne, they call her… what’s that name they call her? Cari… Cari… What do they call her again, Tina?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Uh, that’d be Caribou Barbie.
Alec Baldwin: Caribou Barbie! Thank you, Tina. I mean, this is the most important election in our nation’s history. And you want her — our Tina — to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have to say for yourself?
Lorne Michaels: Alec, this is Governor Palin.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Hi there.
Alec Baldwin: I see. Uh — forgive me, but I feel I must say this — YOU… are way hotter in person.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you.
Alec Baldwin: I mean, seriously. I can’t believe they let her play you.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you, and I must say that your brother Stephen is my favorite Baldwin brother.
Alec Baldwin: [ he laughs ] You are a delight. Now, come, let me take you for a tour of the studio. You know, I’ve hosted the show… how many times, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: 175 times.
Alec Baldwin: 175 times!
[ Baldwin walks Palin down the hall, as we cut back to the sketch in progress ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: To answer your question — you know, I don’t worry about the polls. Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what’s gonna happen. The only pole I care about is the North Pole, and that is melting. It’s not great.
[ Baldwin walks up to Fey and whispers in her ear ]
Tina Fey: [ startled ] What? The real one?! Bye-ee!
[ Fey rushes past Palin to exit the stage, as Palin takes the podium ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you. Now, I’m not going to take any of your questions, but I do want to take this opportunity to say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”
[ open on backstage kitchen area, as Andy Samberg roots through the fridge. He closes the fridge door to reveal Mark Wahlberg standing in wait along the wall. ]
[ Andy screams ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Andy.
Andy Samberg: Ohhhh, Mark Wahlberg! Hi! How are you?
Mark Wahlberg: [ menacingly ] Oh, not so good, Andy. I mean, I saw the last show.
Andy Samberg: You did?
Mark Wahlberg: Yes, I did. And I gotta tell you, I’m very upset about this imitation, the thing with the animals. I mean, what is that?
Andy Samberg: Yeah, it was just a stupid thing we did! It was stupid!
Mark Wahlberg: Well, I gotta be honest with you, buddy — I’ve been thinking about breaking that big, beautiful nose of yours.
Andy Samberg: Sure. sure, it’s big and beautiful… yeah…
Mark Wahlberg: But, you know what? I decided not to, being the churchgoing guy that I am. But, I mean, it’s nothing like me. What was that?
Andy Samberg: I know… I agree with you, and the thing I’d like to say…
[ Amy Poehler walks up ]
Amy Poehler: Hey. How you doing?
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Amy Poehler! How’s it going?
Amy Poehler: Pretty good.
Mark Wahlberg: You’re pregnant. What’s that all about, huh?
Amy Poehler: [ shrugs ] I don’t know.
Mark Wahlberg: Well, it’s nice to see you. Say hi to your mother for me.
Amy Poehler: Okay.
[ she walks off ]
Mark Wahlberg: So, Andy — where were we?
Andy Samberg: Uh — you were saying my impression was way off.
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, I mean, look — I don’t get it. It was very inaccurate, you know?
Andy Samberg: Again — yeah…
[ Josh Brolin walks up ]
Josh Brolin: Hey, Mark!
Mark Wahlberg: Heyyy, Josh Brolin!
Josh Brolin: What’s going on?
Mark Wahlberg: How are you doing?
Josh Brolin: I’m good, good!
Mark Wahlberg: You were in the “Goonies” movie, right? [ Brolin nods, confused ] I produce “Entourage”!
Josh Brolin: Yeah, I-I-I know…
Mark Wahlberg: Say hi to your mother for me, alright?
Josh Brolin: Okay. [ turns and exits ]
Mark Wahlberg: And your stepmother.
Andy Samberg: Look, Mark, I-I didn’t mean any offense by you. I’m a fan of your movies…
Mark Wahlberg: Whoa, hold on a second. [ he approaches a donkey being held by a rope by a costumed Kenan Thompson ] Hey! Hey, donkey!
Kenan Thompson: What’s up, Mark?
Mark Wahlberg: How’s it going? You live in a barn, right? I’m in “Max Payne”. Have you see that movie? [ the donkey turns itself around ] Okay, donkey. Say hi to your mother for me. [ he returns to Andy ] So… Andy. I’m — actually, I’m glad we had this talk. I feel better.
Andy Samberg: Good. You know, me, too. [ he grimaces ] “Say hi to your mother for me?”
Mark Wahlberg: [ starts to throw a punch, then stops ] You know what? I’m not gonna go there. [ extends his arms ] Give me a hug. Come on! We’re gonna hug it out, bitch!
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig Kyle…..Josh Brolin
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of heroin, the beach, a car stereo transaction, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! He tried to sell his blood, but it’s tainted with heroin! MacGruber! He’s sleeping on the beach, and stealing car stereos! MacGruber! He’s running out of options!
[CUT to MacGruber, hair disheveled, standing against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a human traffic supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Traffic Supply Ship.” CUT to a sign marked “Supply Ship Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is booby-trapped! We can’t get out!
Vicky: There’s MORE, Macgruber — that cluster bomb is set to blow in TWENTY seconds!
Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!
MacGruber: [ sitting on the floor and shaking ] Okay, okay, okay, okay! Uh — uh — I’ll tell you what to do, if you give me some money!
Kyle: MacGruber, I’m NOT goving you money, this is your JOB!!
MacGruber: Oh! you’re right, you’re right… I gotta earn it!
Vicky: MacGruber! Focus!
MacGruber: Okay, uh — uh — uh, Kyle, hand me that ping-pong ball…
Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Okay, now how much would you pay… to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt?
[ Kyle and Vicky shoot puzzled looks to MacGruber ]
Kyle: Huh?
MacGruber: Ten bucks? Come on, it’s a good bargain! I’ve been getting twenty on the street!
Kyle: No, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Okay — five bucks!
Kyle: NO! NO! NO!
MacGruber: Okay, I’m just gonna do it. Just — just — just pay whatever you think is fair. [ he pulls his pants down while remaining in a seated position ]
Kyle: MacGruber!
Vicky: Macgruber, don’t! You don’t have to do this, MacGruber!
Kyle: No, MacGruber!
Vicky: It’s okay, MacGruber!
Kyle: No, MacGruber! You don’t have to —
Vicky: You don’t have to do this!
[ MacGruber’s legs spread apart in front of the camera, and the ping-pong ball flies out and bounces between a stunned Kyle and Vicky ]
MacGruber: Yeah!
[CUT to the traffic supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig Kyle…..Josh Brolin
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of a car falling from the sky, a snake, and MacGruber losing his possessions.]
Singers: MacGruber! The market’s in a freefall, and he lost all his money! MacGruber! They repossessed his houseboat, and he had to pawn his saxophone! MacGruber! Toilet paper’s a luxury now!
[CUT to MacGruber stealing toilet paper and making a run for it, against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Italian Mafia Hideout.” CUT to a sign marked “Mafia Hideout Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door’s welded shut! We’re trapped!
Vicky: And, from the looks of this makeshift gamma bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, everybody calm down! Just because time’s are tough, doesn’t mean we can’t make it through with our dignity intact! We just have to stick together!
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Right! Kyle! Toss me that bobby pin!
Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Vicky! Hand me that key!
Vicky: [ hands it over ] Right here, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Kyle! Give me a thousand-dollar interest-free loan!
Kyle: What?! No!
MacGruber: Just do it! We’re running out of time!
Kyle: No, I’m NOT loaning you any more money, MacGruber!
Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!
MacGruber: Okay, okay! Kyle! Hand me that watch!
Kyle: [ looking around ] What — what watch?
MacGruber: YOUR watch!!
Kyle: No! I got this from my DAD, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Fine! Vicky! Hand me that bottle!
Kyle: [ hands it over ] Here you go!
MacGruber: [ busts the bottle on the countertop and shoves the shards toward Kyle’s face ] Give me the watch! GIVE ME THE WATCH!!
Kyle: Okay! [ removes his watch and hands it over ] Here!
Vicky: [ whiny ] MacGruber… [ MacGruber snarls at her ] Fine! [ she removes her watch and hands it over ]
MacGruber: [ shakes a sock in front of their faces ] Uh, uh — all your wallets, wedding rings — all your valuables. Put ’em in the sock, now! Now, now, now, now, now, now!
[ assorted valuables are put into the sock ]
Vicky: [ whiny ] Nooo… that’s gross…
MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — how much time do we have?
Vicky: You took my WATCH, MacGruber!!
MacGruber: [ frantically digs through the sock ] I got it… I got it… [ he retrieves the watch ] Okay, it looks like we got about ten — no, no, no! ONE —
[CUT to the Italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig Kyle…..Josh Brolin
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! He’s been dabbling in the market, and he doesn’t use a broker! MacGruber! He hasn’t checked his stocks in months!
[CUT to MacGruber sipping from a frozen drink and pointing it toward the camera, against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This refinery door is pressure-bolted shut!
Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that nitrogen bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!
Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang — this one’s a piece of cake! In fact, I even have time to check my stocks online! It’s so easy! [ he opens a laptop computer ] I just log into the web site…
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: [ ignoring her ] Put in my password… “MacGruber” — do not tell anyone, you guys, I’m serious!
Kyle: MacGruber! What about the bomb?!
MacGruber: Okay, I’ll tell you what’s gonna be “da bomb”, Kyle — is when I use my tremendous stock earnings to take you out to a juicy steak dinner. Oooh-wee!
Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!
MacGruber: Okay, it’s loading…
Kyle: MacGruber! Hurry!
MacGruber: Loading…
Vicky: FIVE seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Annnnnddd… we’re in!this?
[ MacGruber’s face turns sour, as he sees something online he doesn’t like. Kyle and Vicky shrug with bewildered curiosity. ]
MacGruber: What the fu —
[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
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Air Date:
Road to the White HouseSummary: Sen. Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) and Rep. John Murtha (Darrell Hammond) make crazy statements while speaking at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania.
