Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
Goodnights
…..Josh Brolin
Josh Brolin: Thanks to Adele, Governor Sarah Palin, Mark Wahlberg, Alec Baldwin, Oliver Stone, Tina Fey! Thank you to everybody for coming! “Saturday Night Live”!
Month: October 2018
SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 10/18/08: Fartface
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
Fartface
Carl…..Will Forte
Jerry….. Bill Hader
Jim Deaver…..Josh Brolin
[Open on generic office building]
[Dissolve to middle-aged businessman Carl sitting at a desk, as Jerry walks in the door. Carl rises to shake his hand]
Carl: Oh, hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, fart face. Ready for the meeting?
[The two men sit]
Carl: Jerry, so this again, huh?
Jerry: Whats the matter, fart face?
Carl: Jerry, its been a week now and I think its about time you stopped calling me fart face.
Jerry: And why is that, fart face?
Carl: Because, for your information, Im not a fart face.
Jerry: Well, thats your opinion, fart face.
Carl: No, thats a lot of peoples opinions, Jerry.
Jerry: Fart face, fart face. Relax.
Carl: Why on earth should I relax right now, Jerry? Give me one good reason!
Jerry: Because Im just kidding, Carl. Im kidding. I dont think youre a fart face.
Carl: Oh. Well, good. You scared me there for a while there, Jerry. [he reaches for phone intercom] Okay, Carol. Carol, send in Jim Deaver.
[Jim Deaver enters and the two men rise to greet him with handshakes]
Carl: Ah, hello, Jim.
Jim Deaver: Great to see you, Jerry.
Jerry: Id like to introduce you to one of the best ones weve got here. His given name is Carl, but he likes to be called fart face.
Jim Deaver: Hello, fart face.
[The three men sit]
Carl: Uh, hello. Uh, yeah. Uh, Jim, could you plug up your ears for a moment, please?
[Jim plugs up his ears]
Jim Deaver: Sure, fart face.
Carl: Jerry, when you call someone a fart face in a contained environment, Ill admit its a funny joke, okay. But to set it loose in a business meeting is damn near unforgivable!
Jerry: Sorry. Youre right. Youre absolutely right. From here on out you are Carl, not fart face.
Carl: Thank you. [Signalling Jim] Jim! Jim?
Jim Deaver: Uh, yes, fart face?
Carl: Yes, uh, Jerry has something to say.
Jim Deaver: Oh, thank you, fart face. What is it, Jerry?
Carl: Its about fart face.
Jim Deaver: What about him?
Carl: No, I mean its about the concept of using the name fart face to describe Carl.
Jim Deaver: Whos Carl again?
[simultaneously]
Jerry: Fart face.
Carl: Me.
Jerry: I think it might be best if we address fart face as just plain Carl.
Jim Deaver: Well, if its all the same, Id like to continue calling him fart face.
Carl: Oh, great! Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry: Look, Im going to miss saying fart face as much as you, but its unfair, because if you spent any time with Carl, youd know his face does not smell of farts but rather of face.
Jim Deaver: Odor wise, Id agree, but Im talking about appearance. See, I believe that if a fart did have a face, [gestures at Carl] it would look exactly like fart face here.
Carl: How dare you!
Jerry: Youve gone over the line, Jim.
Jim Deaver: Well, you served me the Kool-Aid, Jerry. I just drank it.
Jerry: Well, spit it out!
Jim Deaver: No way, I dont want to stain fart faces rug.
Carl: Jim, you know full well that the Kool-Aid were referring to is metaphorical. Spitting it out will not damage anything in this office.
Jim Deaver: Well, tough luck. I love calling you fart face. It makes me feel good and Im not gonna stop. Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face.
Jerry: Jim. Jim, youre being unreasonable.
Jim Deaver: If thats unreasonable, then I never want to be reasonable again. [Jim rises, followed by Carl and Jerry] Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face!Carl [overlapping]: No, no, no, you will not do this in my office! No, no, no, no, no!
Jerry: [interrupting] Please, please, please, please. Deaver, Deaver, stop that, stop that, stop that! Stop that or else!
Jim Deaver: Or else what? What are you gonna do about it?
Carl: Nothing.
Jim Deaver: Right.
[The three men sit]
Carl: Nothing at all [Pause] you freakin fart face.
Jim Deaver: What did you just call me?
Carl: Whats wrong, you got fart in your ears, you freakin fart face!
Jim Deaver: Okay, just, just wait a minute here. Youre the fart face!
Jerry: Theres only one fart face in this room and Im looking at him, and boy does his face smell like fart!
Carl: Yeah, thats right. Hes the new fart face!
Jim Deaver: No, hes not! He is a smart face! He is a clean face! He is a tough face! [Choking up] And he is a never-cry face!
Carl: Well, looks to me like hes an about-to-cry face!
Jim Deaver: No, hes not!
Jerry & Carl: [Pointing at Jim] FART FACE!
Jerry: Fart face! Fart face!
Jim Deaver: No, no, oh god, no!
Jerry & Carl: Fart face! Fart face! Fart face! Fart face!
[Jim, clutching his briefcase to his chest, rises]
Jim Deaver: If you think Im gonna give this contract to two people that just pulled a fart face turnaround on me, youve got another thing coming!
[Carl and Jerry stand, growing increasingly demonstrative with their anger as the conversation progresses]
Carl: Well, get ready to never work again, because the whole town is gonna hear that you cried in our office!
Jim Deaver: No!
Carl: You freakin fart face!
Jerry: Yeah, fart face!
Carl: Youre getting shut down, because nobody wants to work with a cry-baby fart face!
Jerry: Youre out of business, fart face!
Carl: Get outta here before the stink from your face kills all my plants, fart face!
Jim Deaver: No, no, no, I hate you! I hate you so much! [Runs out of office]
Carl: [Talking on cell phone] Hi, Terry? Guess who was just in our office crying like a little baby? That fart face Jim Deaver!
Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Bob, this is Jerry. Jim Deaver just cried in our office. Spread the word!
Carl: [Talking on office phone] Carol, call Jim Jacobs, Tom Jacobs in accounting and tell em that Jim Deaver just cried in our office!
Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Hey, Jim Deaver! We just told three people what you did in our office, you fart face!
Carl: Fart face!
Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Hes crying! Go ahead and cry you Oh, no, he just shot himself.
[Both run from office]
Submitted by: David Nusair
SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 10/18/08: Fall Foliage
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
Fall Foliage
Boss…..Josh Brolin
Tom…..Andy Samberg
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Will…..Will Frote
Bill…..Bill Hader
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on exteror, office building ]
[ dissolve to interior, conference room, as the Boss enters ]
Boss: Okay, guys. Sorry to keep you waiting. The train was late. Listen, before we begin, can I please just take a moment to talk about the Fall foliage? Autumn crimsons and browns, and golds, and buttery golds, and buttery browns. Did I say crimson? [ heads nod ] Yeah? Oh, I LOVE this time of year I LOVE it! You know, Fall’s my jam. Has anyone seen the Fall foliage? A quicks Yes or no, starting with Tom. Fall Foliage? Go!
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: No one? Oh, come on! It’s amazing! Okay, you know what? I was seriously thinking about putting together a Fall Foliage getaway just for us. Just for everyone in this room. Go and see the browns, the golds, and the… buttery golds, and… Alright, who’s interested? Let’s start with Tom. Go!
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: Okay, okay, okay… hang on, hang on, hang on. Guys, I don’t think you understand what the Fall foliage looks like… because if you haven’t seen it, you NEED to see it! Toasty oranges! Buttery rusts! I tell you what — I’ll pay all the expenses. I’ll rent a car. You know what? I’ll rent a VAN! I’ll rent a very LARGE van so we can all get together, and I’ll point out the different foliage that I think that everyone should be looking at. And then after we’ve seen it — after we’ve seen this brilliant foliage — if there’s still time, maybe we can go to a gourd farm, pick some gourds… arrange them. [ excited ] So, okay, who’s in? Quick! [ to Tom ] Go! Go! Fall foliage. Yes? No?
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: Alright, look — I — I have never met so many people who didn’t want to go see the Fall foliage in a group! What the hell?! What’s wrong with you?! People LOVE to get in a group and talk about the Fall foliage! It’s stuff people love to do, as a GROUP!! Good God! I’m your BOSS!! This is CRAZY!! [ suddenly smiles ] Oh, wait a second… This is a joke, isn’t it? Right? Okay, this is a joke! Yes or no? Go!
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: Okay, you people are AWFUL! Awful, awful people! I don’t get it! I-I-I-I, really, I just DON’T! No one has even noticed my chestnut-colered slacks and matching vest! Look — alright — I’m not gonna get mad! Alright? Forget it. [ a beat ] You know — okay, I just want everyone to know… that I am making butternut squash soup tonight. FIVE different kinds of squash. And I’m gonna make enough for everybody. And it doesn’t need to be, like, a yes or no… it’s just going to be here for everybody to enjoy, okay? Alright. [ he sighs ] And the Fall foliage thing? We can get a van, you know. You let me know, you sleep on it.
[ the Boss exits the room ]
Bobby: I’m sorry — how long ago did he work here?
Kristen: [ thinking ] I think, like, thirteen years ago.
Bobby: And he just… comes back every Fall?
Will: Yep.
Bobby: And… no one ever goes with him?
Kenan: [ ashamed ] Well, I went with him one year. He allowed me to be raped.
Bobby: [ confused ] By… by who?
Kenan: By him.
Bobby: [ bewildered ] He seems so nice.
Kenan: Oh, he was nice about it.
Bobby: Well… I-I can’t wait to have his soup tomorrow.
Amy: [ smugly ] Yes, you can.
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 10/18/08: New York Underground with Trevor Dix
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
New York Underground with Trevor Dix
Trevor Dix….Bill Hader
Joshua Rainhorn….Fred Armisen
Rowboat….Kenan Thompson
Bellman Twins….Amy Poehler, Casey Wilson
U-turn committee….Kristen Wiig
Science finger….Will Forte
(Opens with NY Underground with Trevor Dix montage. Trevor walks fast down a NYC sidewalk, English accent)
Trevor Dix: New York, New York, a city of 8 million people. (Cut to Trevor sitting in a chair on an outdoors cafe, he gets up) But where do they go at night? Where do they go to unwind? (Trevor gets off a NYC cab) Empire State Building? Times Square? Maybe if you´re a tourist. (Trevor gets on another NYC cab) But if you´re a real New Yorker, where you wanna go is here! (Cut to Trevor in a crummy neighborhood, standing in front of dilapidated buildings filled with graffiti.) The Lower East Side. The Kennel Club. (Cut to the club, its a piano bar) This has been the venue for such acts as Rowboat(picture of the band), The Bellman Twins (picture of the sad twins), The U-turn Committee (picture of them on stage) and Science Finger (cover of their new wave album) to name just a few. Tonight, Joshua Rainhorn. (cut to photo of Joshua in a white blazer, holding a coffee cup) He´s known for his dynamic performances. (Intercut of Joshua tuning his instruments)Leaving some of his audience members “literally weeping” end quote. (cut to Joshua tuning a guitar in the background) Well, looks like the show´s about to start. I´m gonna go get ready.
(Trevor goes to find a seat. Light applause, Joshua plays a sad, slow piano tune. Trevor sits in the audience)
Joshua Rainhorn: (sings affectedly) You´re standing there….your silhouette….your dressing gown….wine and cigarettes….wine and cigarettes…(stops music and goes into spoken word) Charlie Chaplin laughed. All the majors and politicians line up just to dance a waltz with you. (plays some bouncy piano notes) Do, do, do, do, dah, dah…
(Cut to Trevor speaking to the camera)
Trevor Dix: (intense) When Rainhorn plays, we´re no longer in New York. We´re on an island of Crete teaching boys how to dream. We´re in a garage watching our father cry. We´re an obese 15-year-old seeing ourselves naked for the first time.
Joshua Rainhorn: Wao, bam…(retakes the song, slow piano, sings affectedly) Wine and cigarettes….wine and cigarettes. She and the angels come out….who-o-o-o-o…. ho-o-o-o-oh.
Trevor Dix: (looks back from his chair) This has been Trevor Dix with Joshua Rainhorn. And this is another correspondence from the underground.
(Black screen)
Caption: (c) 2008 Trevor Dix productions for Thames online.
Submtted by: Waldo San Miguel
SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 10/18/08: I’m No Angel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
I’m No Angel
Written by: Emily Spivey & Amy Poehler
Cowboy…..Josh Brolin
Barfly…..Amy Poehler
Dude at Counter…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Table Dude 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Table Dude 2…..Bill Hader
Table Dude 3…..Andy Samberg
Waitress…..Casey Wilson
[ open on interior, honytonk bar ]
[ MUSIC: “I’m No Angel”, Greg Allman ]
[ a cowboy looks around the room until he spies a barfly sitting alone at the opposite side of the bar, then begins to exchange glances with her ]
[ after a brief round of flirting, the barfly stands, revealing her excessively pregnant belly, which she begins to shake playfully ]
[ the cowboy reacts with mild disappointment, but maintains his interest ]
[ the barfly slowly crosses the room, receiving wide-eyed reactions to her belly from a dude at the counter, the bartender, and three dudes sitting at a table. All are flabbergasted at the sight, yet can’t take their eyes off of her. A non-pregnant waitress reacts with disgust to the hold the barfly has on these men, and throws her towel down and storms away. ]
[ the barfly continues to cross the room, knocking over the bottles of beer and glasses that sit on the dudes’ table with her belly, then she seductively eats from their bowl of nuts ]
[ te barfly asks Table Dude 1 to scoot up his chair so her belly can pass through, then she continues to shake her belly playfully in order to continue flirting with the cowboy ]
[ the barfly then sits on the cowboy’s knee and gives him a lap dance ]
Cowboy: When’s your baby due?
Barfly: [ with a smirk ] Yesterday.
Cowboy: [ close-up of his shit-eating grin ] Perfect!
[ the barfly rises from the cowboy’s knee and walks away; his chair crashes to the floor ]
[ the barfly continues to shake her belly on the dance floor, then calls the cowboy over ]
Barfly: [ to the camera ] What? [ holds up perfume bottle ] I’m no angel!
[ SUPER: “I’m No Angel” ]
Announcer: I’m No Angel. The new sensual frangrance from the old, weird Greg Allman.
Greg Allman: Mmm… that’s me! [ sniffs barfly’s hair ] And I smell a bun in the oven!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 10/18/08
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 18th, 2008
Josh Brolin
Adele
None
Tina Fey
Gov. Sarah Palin
Lorne Michaels
Mark Wahlberg
Alec Baldwin
Oliver Stone
None Palin Press ConferenceSummary: As Tina Fey portrays Gov. Sarah Palin in a sketch, the real Sarah Palin watches backstage with Lorne Michaels and is confused for Tina Fey by hotheaded Alec Baldwin.
Recurring Characters: Sarah Palin.
Transcript
Montage
Josh Brolin’s MonologueSummary: Josh Brolin displays the mannerisms of President George W. Bush, but has to be reminded by director Oliver Stone to mention their film by name.
MacGruberSummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while checking his stocks online.
Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.
Transcript
Surprise ProposalSummary: Chris (Josh Brolin) informs his friends that he’ll be proposing to his girlfriend Kath (Casey Wilson) that evening, but the excitement is much more than Sue (Kristen Wiig) can handle.
Recurring Characters: Sue.
Transcript
MacGruber IISummary: A financially-strapped Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while stealing valuables from Vicky (Kristen Wiig) and (Josh Brolin).
Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.
Transcript
The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Financial expert Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) is ignorant of the financial hardships expressed by her viewers.
Recurring Characters: Suze Orman.
Transcript
Wahlberg’s ConfrontationSummary: Mark Wahlberg demands an explanation from Andy Samberg for last episode’s “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals” sketch.
Transcript
I’m No AngelSummary: A heavily pregnant woman (Amy Poehler) flirts with rough riders at a honkytonk bar, as way of promoting Greg Allman’s (Will Forte) new fragrance.
Recurring Characters: Greg Allman.
Transcript
MacGruber IIISummary: A financially-strapped Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while trying to solicit money from Vicky (Kristen Wiig) and (Josh Brolin) for shooting a ping-pong ball out of his ass.
Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.
Transcript
Adele performs “Chasing Pavements”
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) nervously represents America’s Write-in Party. French Def Jam comedian Jean K. Jean jokes about the economy. Amy Poehler takes over a Sarah Palin rap when the real Sarah Palin decides it would be a bad political move to perform it herself.
Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Jean K. Jean.
Transcript
FartfaceSummary: Jerry (Bill Hader) jokingly bestows grumpy co-worker Carl (Will Forte) with the nickname “Fartface”, which he quickly unloads on Jim Deaver (Josh Brolin) in an act of revenge that goes too far.
Transcript
Narc SchoolSummary: Ms. Matthews (Casey Wilson) is unable to teach her class because all the students have been replaced with narcs (Josh Brolin, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte, Darrell Hammond).
ReadiTrade.comSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the web site where the primary aim is to sell or unload your stocks as quickly as possible.
Transcript
New York UndergroundSummary: Trevor Dix (Bill Hader) profiles underground musician Joshua Rainhorn (Fred Armisen).
Transcript
Adele performs “Cold Shoulder”
Fall FoliageSummary: Maniacal business executive (Josh Brolin) tries to push his employees to be as psyched about the Fall foliage as he is.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
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SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 10/04/08: The Lawrence Welk Show
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 4
08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers
The Lawrence Welk Show
Lawrence Welk…..Fred Armisen
Janice…..Anne Hathaway
Holly…..Amy Poehler
Nora…..Casey Wilson
Denise…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: PBS now returns to another mildly enjoyable moment from the Lawrence Welk Show.
Lawrence Welk: Thank you, Thank you. And I am sorry to say we have come to that time again, time to say goodnight. I want to thank all our wonderful guests tonight. We’ve enjoyed the beautiful harmonies of the lovely Lennon Sisters, Joe Finni and Guy Holy, the deep baratone of Larry Hooper, the very nice and entertaining accordian sounds of Myron Florin, and the high clicking quick steps of Bobby and Cissy. Bobby, when are you gonna ask Cissy to marry you? She’s ready. Now to take us out is a sister act from the Finger Lakes making their wonderful “Lawrence Welk Show” debut. Please welcome the Meryl Sisters. And a one, and a two…
[dissolve to the Meryl Sisters, which consist of three attractive girls and a fourth who has a large forehead and tiny arms and sings terribly off-key]
All girls: [singing]
Sisters do as sisters should,
we’re all together, sisters
Janice: I’m Janice
Holly: I’m Holly
Nora: I’m Nora
Denise: And I’m Denise.
All:
Sisters always stick together
even when they fall in love
Janice: Like with my boyfriend
Holly: With my husband
Nora: With my fiancee
Denise: With me by myself.
All:
Even though we’re all alike,
we enjoy different things.
Janice: I like waterfalls
Holly: I like butterflies
Nora: I like rainbows
Denise: I like chasing cars.
All:
We’ve enjoyed our time with you
but now we have to run
Holly: Goodnight
Nora: Sweet dreams
Janice: Sleep tight
Denise:
I found a dead cat on the side of the road,
so I took it home and put some honey on it,
and I cooked it and then I ate it
Is that bad? Doo doo doo doo
Janice: Denise! Shut up!
(the other sisters leave Denise behind.)
Lawrence Welk: Thank you, thank you. Wonderful. Was her forehead really big, or was I looking through a couple of bubbles? (Denise goes around him, popping bubbles.) Thank you, thank you to our sponsors, Mammoth automobiles, and Clorox facial soap. Goodnight, and keep the song in your heart.
[fade]
Submitted by: JMan and Adam
SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 10/04/08: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 4
]]>
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Orville Willis Forte IV…..Will Forte
08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers
Announcer: Weekend update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:
The highly anticipated Vice Presidential Debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin was held Thursday night, and the big winner was whoever you already liked.
During an interview with Katie Couric, Tuesday, Sarah Palin said she is not opposed to gay people adding, “One of my absolute best friends for the last thirty years happens to be gay, and I love her dearly, and she doesn’t exist.”
Seth Meyers: O.J. Simpson was found guilty Friday on charges of armed robbery, assault and kidnapping — but. really, murder.
A man in Florida rescued his dog from a shark attack by jumping into the water and punching the shark. Just think: that dog would be dead today, if that man had been a little less drunk.
Amy Poehler: After a two year overhaul, the World War II aircraft carrier Intrepid finally arrived back at its dock on Manhattan’s west side, Thursday, where it was immediately attacked and sunk by Japanese kamikazes.
Panasonic, this week, unveiled a 150-inch flat-screen TV. Just in time for no one to afford it.
Seth Meyers: Good news, everybody: That house you couldn’t pay for? You’re paying for it!
The House, on Friday, passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law, after consulting with his economic advisors: M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson.
Amy Poehler: Quite a trio. Here now, with an analysis of Friday’s House vote, is Weekend update financial expert Orville Willis Forte IV.
Orville Willis Forte IV: Thank you, Amy. Friday’s vote on the bailout package passed by a margin of 263 to 171. But that doesn’t tell the whole story. In order to truly understand Friday’s events, we need to know who voted how, and why. And I think this song might just explain that:
[ singing ]
“When Friday’s tally was finally counted
and that was all she wrote.
People asked, “How did that pass?
And how did everybody vote?”
Joe Bonner, Republican: Yay!
Terry Everett, Republican: Yay!
Mike Rogers, Republican: Yay!
Robert Aderholt, Republican: Nay!
Bud Cramer, Democrat: Yay!
Spencer Bachus, Republican: Yay!
Arthur Davis, Democrat: Yay!
Don Young, Republican: Nay!
Rick Renzi, Republican: Nay!
Ted Franks, Republican: Nay!
John Shadegg, Republican: Yay!
Ed Pastor, Democrat: Yay!
Eric Mitchell, Democrat: Yay!
Jeff Flake, Republican: Nay!
Mary Landrieu, Democrat: Nay!
Gabrielle Gifford, Democrat: Yay!
So that’s the first sixteen, just to get an idea
There’s only five-twenty-two left to go!
So sit back and relax as I go through the rest
I think you’re really gonna enjoy the show!
Rick Snyder, Democrat: Yay!
John Boozman, Republican: Yay!
Mike Ross, Democrat: Yay!
Mike Thompson, Democrat: Yay!”
Amy Poehler: Alright, Will, I’m sorry — I’m sorry. Can I just interrupt you for a second?
Orville Willis Forte IV: Oh, sure, Amy. I mean, in fact, in a lot of cultures, it’s polite to interrupt someone when they are singing a song. Uh — we, of course, don’t live in one of those cultures, but… you know… as a courtesy, I will assume you were raised in a separate culture from ours. So that you aren’t aware how very, very, VERY rude you just were. Uh — now, what’s your question?
Amy Poehler: I’m sorry, I-I — I just, I’m just a little worried about how long this song might take.
Orville Willis Forte IV: Well, Amy, let me explain to you how a democracy works. Uh, as I now know that you’re not from America, but, rather, some strange backwards country where friends interrupt friends while they’re singing. In America, every citizen is in a district, and each district has its own represenatives —
Amy Poehler: Okay, you know what? Just sing your song!
Orville Willis Forte IV: Thank you. But don’t you dare interrupt me again, Amy Poehler. Okay? From the top!
[ singing ]
“When Friday’s tally was finally counted
and that was all she wrote.
People asked, “How did that pass?
And how did everybody vote?”
Joe Bonner, Republican: Yay!
Terry Everett, Republican: Yay!
Mike Rogers, Republican: Nay!”
Wait! I mean “Nay!” I mean — whoa, whoa, whoa! From the top!
[ singing ]
“When Friday’s tally was finally counted –“
Amy Poehler: No! Orville Willis Forte IV, everybody!
Seth Meyers: Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to earth this week, after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk. Which was made all the more impressive because they did it as a dragon.
Amy Poehler: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will perform at the 2009 Super Bowl halftime show in Tampa, Florida. Let’s just hope this doesn’t lead to a wardrobe malfunction, revealing Little Steven’s “Little Steven”.
Customs officers at the Sao Paulo, Brazil airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane. He might have gotten away with it, had they not been ostriches.
Seth Meyers: A 26 year-old former teacher in Nebraska, who fled to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him, was sentenced to six years in federal prison. Said the teacher, “How about twelve years in juvie?”
Amy Poehler: [ chuckles ] Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. The couple will honeymoon wherever he currently is.
Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. Of course, once he’s married, you know he’s gonna let himself go!
[ trying not to laugh ] Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. They will spend their honeymoon attempting to locate his penis!
Seth Meyers: Are you done?
Amy Poehler: Yeah! I had my fun, and I’m done now!
Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, I’m glad.
Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend… in an attempt to get cake.
Amy Poehler: Here’s $20!
Seth Meyers: Thank you, I —
Amy Poehler: $20! [ she cracks up louder than she’d planned ]
An art historian believes that the meal eaten in Leonardo da Vinci’s Last Supper was not bread or lamb as previously thought, but eel garnished with orange slices. The historian will present his theory at the upcoming symposium, “Things That Don’t Matter”.
Seth Meyers: Two planes scheduled to land on the Greek isle of Lesbos had to circle for half an hour because an air traffic controller overslept. Though I’m guessing a lot of activities on the island of Lesbos involve circling for half an hour.
For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!
SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 10/04/08: An SNL Digital Short
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 4
08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers
An SNL Digital Short
Referee…..Will Forte
…..Andy Samberg
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson
[open on title screen: “An SNL Digital Short”]
[ SUPER: “EXTREME ACTIVITIES COMPETITION” ]
[ cut to Andy Samberg running around a corner, with SUPER: “ANDY” ]
[ SUPER: “VS” ]
[ cut to Kristen Wiig exercising in an office, with SUPER: “KRISTEN” ]
[ SUPER: “ROUND 1” ]
[ cut to the opponents seated at a table, with SUPER: “ARM WRESTLING” ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle; Andy and Kristen are at first in a deadlock, but then, finally, Andy triumphs for the win, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle at the center of a court, with SUPER: “WALKING” ]
[ Andy and Kristen each walk in a straight line toward the center, until the Referee blows his whistle in Krstien’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to separate court area, with SUPER: “HAT BALANCE” ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle, as Andy and Kristen each place a hat arop their head and hold their balance; finally, the Referee blows his whistle, with SUPER: “TIE” ]
[ cut to park area, as Referee blows his whistle with SUPER: “SHOE HANDS” ]
[ Andy holds up his hands one at a time, each with a sneaker on the end ]
[ Kristen holds up one hand with a pump on the end, then holds up the other hand with a pineapple on the end ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle in Andy’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to Andy and Kristen relaxing by a fountain, with SUPER: “TEA BREAK” ]
[ cut to Andy and Kristen seated in chairs along a promenade, as the Referee blows his whistle with SUPER: “CHAIR PIN” ]
[ Kristen holds her chair in place, but andy finally falls over as his chair flies into the air ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle in Kristen’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle, with SUPER: “ACT CASUAL” ]
[ cut to Andy carefully leaning against a tree without actually allowing his hand to touch the tree ]
[ cut to Kristen leaning upon a bench without actually allowing her legs or butt to touch the bench ]
[ the Referee finally blows his whistle in Andy’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the threesome standing in the grass, with SUPER: “LOOK GREAT WEARING STRIPES” ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle, as we cut to see Kristen suddenly wearing green stripes, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle, with SUPER: “HATE THE REFEREE” ]
[ cut to separate instnaces of Andy and Kristen yelling at the referee, then cut to him yelling at himself while staring into a bathroom mirror, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the threesome standing in a hotel room, with SUPER: “BECOME JANE” ]
[ Kristen snaps her fingers and turns into Jane ]
[ Andy snaps his fingers and also turns into Jane, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the threesome standing in the hall, with SUPER: “HUMAN ATM” ]
[ Andy opens his jacket to reveal a t-shirt with a 3×3 grid of the numbers 1-9, as Kenan Thompson steps up, places his ATM card in Andy’s mouth, then withdraws his cash from Andy’s butt, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle, with SUPER: “DO THIS” ]
[ cut to Kristen and Andy bouncing their shoulders up and down ]
[ cut to the threesome standing at a gate, with SUPER: “BECOME A REFEREE IN A DESPERATE BID FOR HUMAN INTERACTION” ]
[ cut to the Referee staring at himself in a bathroom mirror, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee leaning against an outdoor wall while crying, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to separate instnaces of Andy and Kristen yelling at the referee, then cut to him yelling at himself while staring into a bathroom mirror, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to black ]
SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 10/04/08: Mary Poppins
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 4
08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins…..Anne Hathaway
Bert…..Bill Hader
Constable Jones…..Will ForteMichael Banks…..Bobby Moynihan
Jane Banks…..Casey Wilson
[ open on storybook courtyard scene ]
Mary Poppins and Children: (Singing)
“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.
If you say it loud enough. you’ll always sound precocious.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
[ the children giggle, as they bench seats opposite Mary Poppins ]
Jane Banks: Oh, Mary Poppins, that was EVER so much fun!
Michael Banks: What a delightful new word!
Jane Banks: It must be the LONGEST word in the dictionary.
Michael Banks: And the SILLIEST!
[ an unsettling tension suddenly fills the air ]
Jane Banks: What does it mean, Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: [ taken aback ] What? Ohhh, that doesn’t matter. Its just a silly-billy word. Now, who wants to ride a magical carousel?
Jane: I do! But first, please tell us what that word means.
Michael Banks: Yes, there must be some kind of working definition.
Mary Poppins: Well. If you must know, “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is a disease of the liver. It’s very rare and extremely painful.
Jane Banks: Goodness! How’d you ever learn a word like that Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: I have it! I have the disease!
Michael Banks: Oh!
Jane Banks: Is it… as fun to have as it is to say, Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: Well… no. What happens, basically, is that your liver stops producing bile. Gradually, you lose the ability to break down acids, and eventually your body just shuts down. Sure is fun to sing though. [ she laughs ] “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!” [ she laughs more maniacally ]
Children: Is it… contagious, Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: Yes! But only for grown-ups.
Michael Banks: What does that mean?!
Mary Poppins: How do I explain it? Sometimes when a man and a woman really fancy each other…
[ suddenly, Bert the chimney sweep appears ]
Bert: ‘ello everyone!
Children: Bert!!
[ Jane runs to greet Bert ]
Bert: Oh, easy, children! I’ve got one heck of a stomachache. It must be your cooking, Mary Poppins!
[ Mary smiles nervously ]
Michael Banks: [ excitedly ] We just — we just learned a new word! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Bert: Oh, how delightful!
Michael Banks: It’s a disease of the liver!
Jane Banks: Mary Poppins has it!
Michael Banks: [ he whispers loudly ] It’s spread amongst grown-ups!
Bert: [ he freezes in place ] Is that right? Childrne, would, uh — excuse us for one moment? [ he approaches Mary ] What they say, Mary? Do you… have something?
Mary Poppins: Oh, Bert. Don’t worry. You look healthy to me.
Bert: Healthy? I’ve got black lung from sweeping the chimneys, and now you’ve given me supercalifragi-whatever.
Michael Banks: [ singing ] “Expialidocious!”
Bert: [ to children ] Shut it!
Mary Poppins: Oh, Bert. Cheer up. It’s not that bad. (Singing with the children) “Because… just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way!!”
Bert: [ sarcastically ] Sugar. That’ll cure my disease.
[ Constable Jones enters the courtyard ]
Constable Jones: ‘ello guys!
Children: Constable Jones!! [ they start to rise ]
Constable Jones: Oh, don’t come near me. I’m feeling awfully sick. Must be your cooking, Mary Poppins! So, uh — what’s the good word.
Bert: Listen, Tommy… [ he whispers into Constable jones’ ear ]
Constable Jones: Oh, no. Supercalifragi-what?
Michael Banks: [ singing ] “Expialidocious!”
Bert: Come on, I’ll buy you a whiskey. Come on. [ they exit ]
Michael Banks: This has been… a very unusual day, Mary Poppins.
Mary Poppins: Well, I’m a very unusual nanny! [ she laughs maniacally ] I guess I’m in pretty serious denial!
Mary Poppins and Children: (Singing) “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Zach Mahassine