Michael Modesto…..Jason Sudeikis Tanya Mitchell…..Anne Hathaway Melanie Moore…..Casey Wilson Trevor Johnson…..Kenan Thompson Christopher Smalls…..Bobby Moynihan Animal Expert…..Kristen Wiig Tom Geneveve…..Will Forte Redneck…..Fred Armisen Andrea St. James…..Amy Poehler
[ open on Sioux City 3 graphic ]
Announcer: Stay tuned for your local news, on Channel 3 — Sioux city’s finest, AND America’s “Most Youtubed” news team!
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: With… lead anchor, Michael Modesto.
Michael Modesto V/O: “A local family has been left homeless –“
[ slight offscreen snort from Modesto, as the camera finally dissolves to his in-studio clip ]
Michael Modesto: [ with “Holiday Fire” graphic over his left shoulder ] “A local family has been left homeless –” [ he snorts again ] “for the holidays, after –” [ he snorts louder, unable to maintain his composure ] Excuse me! [ he clears his throat ] “…after a fi-reee… after a fire that burned down their tree –” [ he cracks up harder, joined by his co-anchor ] I’m sorry! It’s not funny! Would you stop!
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Co-anchor, Tanya Mitchell.
[ dissolve to her in-studio clip ]
Tanya Mitchell: Up next, City Councilman Doug Parks faces bribery charges, when we returnr. [ thinking the camera has stopped rolling, she turns to face her offscreen co-anchor ] I told you about him, didn’t I? [ she motions her fingers together to represent a shrinking penis ] Woo-oo-ooh! Believe me, I have SEEN it! [ she looks up ] What? We’re still on the –? [ she panics ] Ummmmm….
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Human Interest reporter, Melanie Moore.
[ dissolve to her in-studio clip: interview with Trevor Johnson ]
Melanie Moore: I’m here with Trevor Johnson, who’s planning a big, black penis — a… big block party! [ she smiles ] Excuse me.
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Feature reporter, Christopher Smalls.
[ dissolve to his in-studio clip: animal expert segment ]
Christopher Smalls: Now… if I wanted to take the wife and kids to see some of these critters, what would — [ the lizard jumps out its cage and lands on Smalls’ jacket pocket ] Aiiiigghhhh!!! I’M DEAD!! I’M DEAD!! [ he faints ]
[ dissolve to Youtube logo ]
: The ONLY local news team with over nine-million Youtube hits combined!
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Featuring, Sports Reporter Tom Geneveve.
[ dissolve to his exterior clip, standing in front of sports arena as a redneck wanders into the background and begins to accentuatethe bulge of his penis ]
Tom Geneveve: The Sioux City Bandits are off to a GREAT start this year. They beat Billings, 31 to 30 in overtime, and tomorrow they take on River City. That figures to be a great game —
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: And… meteorologist, Andrea St. James.
[ dissolve to her exterior clip: amid howling wind ]
Andrea St. James: Winds have reached speeds of over 80 miles an — [ a milabox breezes past her face] WHOA!! That was a close one! [ scattered pieces of mail fly at her face and hit her instead ] AIIIGGGHHH!!!! So many paper cuts!!
[ cut to Michael Modesto and Tanya Mitchell at the news desk ]
Michael Modesto: Whoa-oa! Special Delivery! [ he chuckles, failing to get a rise of Tanya Mitchell ]
[ dissolve to Sioux City 3 card ]
Announcer: Tune in and see why MORE people forward clips of THIS news team than ANY other!
[ cut to Tanya Mitchell looking off-camera, unaware that the tape is rolling ]
Tanya Mitchell: Hey. Hey, does that guy, Tino Donovan… does he — does he still sell weed? What? [ she glances at the camera, surprised ] Ohhhh!! [ she chuckles ] Ha-ha-HI!!
[ cut to group anchor shot ]
Announcer: Sioux City’s Channel 3 news team. Catch them tonight, or ANYT TIME, on your computer.
Anne Hathaway: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you,thank you, thank you! It is GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! [ audience cheers ]
So… I just had a busy summer. I did some traveling… I’ve got a new movie out, called “Rachel Getting Married”… [ audience cheers ] Oh. And, also, I broke up with my Italian boyfriend, and, two weeks later, he was heading to prison for fraud. [ audience cheers ] Yeaahhhh!! Alright! I mean, we’ve all been there — am I right, ladies? [ she gauges the reaction ]
So, the experience made me feel pretty gullible, and I was ready to SWEAR off dating. But… then… I met an amazing new guy! I feel almost embarrassed to say this, but… we met on the Internet. I usually don’t read letters from strangers, but… how often do you get e-mail from a Nigerian prince? [ the audience laughs as Hathaway beams with pride ] And he is such a sweetheart. And, notthat it matters, but he is pret-ty wealth-y! [ she giggles ] And he wants to know EVERYTHING about me! He asked about my family, my friends, and, just yesterday, he asked what my Social Security number was! How sweet… is… that!
Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “Why is Anne Hathaway so… lucky?” I don’t know! I don’t know! And… yesterday was our one-month anniversary, and, I know it’s sappy, but, I sent him something I knew he’d love: a mix CD! And $100,000! [ she laughs ] I feel… pretty good about us! And, who knows, maybe someday you’ll be hearing, “And the Oscar goes to me, Princess O-go-arg-i-se-van!” [?]
We have a GREAT show for you tonight. The Killers are here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Don Pardo: And now: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
[graphic dissolves to Mark Wahlberg in a farm setting]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey! I’m Mark Wahlberg. You guys know me. Let’s go talk to some animals.
[walks over and kneels next to a dog]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, dog. How’s it goin’? I like your fur, that looks really great. So you’re a dog, right? What’s that all about? [dog just stares ahead, oblivious] Okay, well it was great to meet you. Say hi to your mother for me, okay? [stands up] Now I’m gonna talk to a donkey.
[walks over to a donkey and bends down]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, donkey. What’s goin’ on? You’re a donkey, I like that. You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage. [donkey just stares ahead, oblivious] Okay, talk to you later, donkey. [stands up] Now I’m gonna talk to a chicken.
[walks over to a chicken on top of several crates]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, chicken. How’s it hangin’? A lot of people wanna eat you, but I just wanna talk to you, okay? We should do a film together, whaddya think? [chicken looks around uninterested] Hey, chicken, I’m not joking around, okay? This is the real thing, I mean this could be huge! [chicken continues to look uninterested] All right, well, think about it. Say hi to your mother for me, alright? Now I’m gonna talk to a goat.
[walks over and sits down next to a goat]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, goat. It’s good to see you. I like your beard. I had a beard like that in The Perfect Storm. Did you see that movie? [goat stares ahead oblivious] Did ya, did ya see The Perfect Storm, goat? [goat still stares ahead blankly] Say hi to your mother for me, okay?
Don Pardo: This has been: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
Katy Perry…..Casey Wilson Female Golfer…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: Katy Perry…This girl is taking America by storm with her riskee single “I Kissed A Girl”.
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I Kissed A Girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry chapstick I Kissed a Girl and I liked it I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.”
Announcer: Yeow…Talk about sexual. And just when you thought Katy Perry couldn’t be any naughtier…she didn’t. That’s right, it’s the Less Provocative Songs of Katy Perry. With family friendly hits like “I ate a Snack.”
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I ate a snack and I liked it it was a Twix with peanut butter I ate a snack with my girlfriend, but we didn’t do any gay stuff.”
Announcer: The Less Provocative Songs of Katy Perry. Cuz if you take away the blunt sexual overtones, this girl still has plenty to sing about.
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I saw a boat and I liked it…” (shrugs and mouths “I don’t know”)
Announcer: Just wow… believe it or not, they’re almost all that good. Rolling Stone magazine says “No.” This is the only album where you’ll find such soon-to-be classics such as “I Threw a Ball”, “I Peeled Some Fruit”, “I Own A Pen”, and the exquisite, “I Held a Cat”
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I held a cat and I liked it, its fur was soft like the touch of a woman I held a cat in the shower then I french kissed a female golfer.”
[ a female golfer is is uncomfortable by this gesture, then begins to lean into it ]
Announcer: Uh oh! Ha! Just ignore that last one. The Less Provocative Songs of Katy Perry. Now available in stores.
Bobby: Guys, we’ve been here for like two hours and we still haven’t met any women.
Bill: That’s because we’re not talking to anyone.
Gary: Well how ’bout those three ladies over there? (points to Anne, Girl #1 and Girl #2)
Bill: I don’t know…they’ve been rolling their eyes at us for the last thirty minutes.
Fermagelli: You know what, I’m gonna break the ice. I’m gonna show you how it’s done. I’m gonna do it the Fermagelli way.
Guys: FERMAGELLI!
(Fermagelli walks over to the girls)
Fermagelli: Hey ladies, when’s the last time you smelled Michael Jordan cologne? (He wafts the cologne in their direction, met with disgust. Fermagelli continues with an awkward dance)
Anne: (laughs) You are so many kinds of wrong right now.
(Fermagelli walks back, rejected)
Bill: How did it go?’
Fermagelli: Not good.
Bill: It’s all about confidence. Ladies like confidence. Go show them Gary.
Gary: I’m not goin’ man. My self esteem is at an all time low ever since I slipped and fell on the dance floor.
Bobby: That’s it. I’ll do it.
Bill: I think he’s ready
Gary: Remember, be confident.
Fermagelli: Want some tips, man?
Bobby: Nah, I’m good.
(He walks over to the ladies and taps Anne on the shoulder. Music starts to play and Anne and Bobby dance with each other instinctively. Both the girls and the guys are cheering them on in slow motion as a bus boy walks by and takes Fermagelli’s drink in regular speed.)
Bobby: Oh, hey.
Anne: (laughs) hey.
Bobby: Thanks
Anne: Thank you
Bobby: That was fun.
Anne:Really fun.
Bobby: Yeah.
Anne: Your friends are kinda idiots.
Bobby: Yeah, I know. I just hang out with them to make me look awesome.
Anne: You wanna get out of here?
Bobby: Really?
Anne: No.
Bobby: Oh.
Anne: I’m kidding.
Bobby:I knew that.
Anne: So…
(they wave to their friends and leave)
Fermagelli: That’s our boy! C’mon, let’s dance.
(Fermagelli, Bill, Gary, Girl #1 and Girl #2 dance together)
Anne Hathaway: Thank you, thank you, to the Killers! Tina Fey! Queen Latifah! “The Secret Life of Bees” opens October 17th! “Rachel Getting Married” is in theaters! Thank you to the cast! To the writers! And the crew! The stars! Everyone! All of you! BEST week of my life!! BEST week of my life!! Thank you!! Bye!!
[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as a Man enters from the bedroom carrying a box and approaches his female roommate, who has been packing a separate box ]
Marcus: [ with a lisp ] It’s been an amazing five years! And I will cherisss… every moment!
Amber: Hmm… it seems like only yesterday I responded to your ad on Craigslist.
Marcus: Oh! you know, I only use use Craiglist to find anonymous male partners — who knew I’d find… a best friend, too?
Amber: [ she laughs ] And, if I remember correctly, a few anonymous male partners! [ she playfully pokes his stomach ]
Marcus: Weelllllll…!
[ she laughs, as Jerome swaggers into the apartment ]
Jerome: Well! I’m glad SOMEONE’s having a good time, while I’m doing all the heavy lifting!
Marcus: Sorry, Sweetie!
Amber: Sorry, Jerome. [ she lifts her box ] These are the last two — I promise!
Jerome: Fine. Say your goodbyes, but you’d better not make my man cry.
[ Marcus and Jerome kiss on the lips, then Jerome exits with the two boxes, receiving a playful pat on the ass as he departs ]
Marcus: Well… [ he takes her hands ] I guess this is it! [ he fends back a tear ] I am going to miss you!
Amber: Ohhhh, Marcus… [ she hugs him ] Marcus.
[ Marcus stares into her eyes for a moment, then forcily leans in to kiss her on the lips ]
Amber: Marcus!! Marcus!! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] What are you doing?
Marcus: Come on, one kiss!
Amber: Whoa, whoa, Marcus — you’re GAY! Stop!
Marcus: [ a beat ] Actually… I’m not! [ he laughs ]
Amber: What? But..? Oh… yeah! Right! Like I’m gonna believe that! Mister “I Know Every single Song in “A Chorus Line” — I Have A Boyfriend!” I mean, come on — look, even the way you talk!
Marcus: It’s not how I really talk.
Amber: What?
Marcus: [ in a deeper voice ] It’s not how I really talk!
Amber: [ stunned, she backs away ] Oh, my God!
Marcus: [ laughing ] I know, I know — BUS-TED!! I know!
Amber: [ uneasily, as she fingers her hair ] What else have you lied about?
Marcus: Ummmm — well, I’m not really a hairstylist. [ she gasps ] Yeah.
Amber: But you cut my hair!
Marcus: Yeah, I got really lucky with that! [ he mimes using scissors ] Yeah, you know — I just kinda got good at it! It’s not too hard, actually. [ he chuckles ]
Amber: So… wait! When we would dance —
Marcus: Yeah?
Amber: And you would get erections —
Marcus: Right, right… That was NOT because of a disease — I made that up.
Amber: But… according to Wikipedia, bonerplasia afflicts —
Marcus: No, no — I know! I know! No, I wrote that page! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s why it’s so conversational in tone, and… your name’s in it.
Amber: But I’ve… walked in on you… having sex with… dozens of men…
Marcus: Yeah! You gotta sell it. You gotta sell it! If you’re gonna lie to someone, for five years, you GOTS to sell it!
Amber: Oh, my God! Does Jerome know?!
Marcus: Uh — well —
[ Jerome re-enters the apartment ]
Jerome: Ooh, well, I’m off to rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Marcus: Yeah, I, uh — I told her I wasn’t gay, Jerry.
Jerome: [ slumps his shoulders in defeat ] Oh. Well, that’s cool. I’m gonna split, dude.
Marcus: [ low-fives him ] Alright, bro. [ they hug in as heterosexual manner as they can ] Where are you headed off to?
Jerome: I’m gonna go rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Marcus: Oh, right! Right!
[ Jerome exits the apartment in a dejected manner ]
Marcus: Good — good friend.
Amber: Sooooo… you pretended to be gay —
Marcus: Yeah.
Amber: For five years —
Marcus: Yes!
Amber: In the hopes that someday we would kiss?
Marcus: [ mulls it over ] Yeah, when you say it like that, it’s not a great plan, is it? [ he laughs in spite of himself, as she retreats away ] Oh, come on! Come on! Okay, okay! Stop, stop! [ she stops ] Don’t you get it, amber? I mean, don’t you see? Being your gay friend was — I don’t know — the only way I had a CHANCE with you! And, even though I — I don’t know — nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between… thirty or forty dudes… I, uh — yeah. I regret NOTHING! [ she looks at him, almost sympathetic ] Well, maybe thirty of forty things…
[ she turns away, disgusted ]
Marcus: [ singing, as the lights dim ] “Kiss today goodbyyyyyye! The sweetness… and the sorroooooowww! Wish me luck — the same, to yooooooouuuuu! But I can’t regret, what I did for loooooove!”
Together: [ singing ] “What I did, fooooorrrr, looooovvvvvvvveeee!!”
[ the lights come back on ]
Amber: [ smiling ] I don’t regret anything, either!
Marcus: [ nodding ] It might have been closer to fifty — fifty dudes, I think, actually…
[ they both shrug away the concern and hug joyously ]
Gwen Ifill…..Queen Latifah Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey Sen. Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri ]
[ dissolve to moderator Gwen Ifill ]
Gwen Ifill: Good evening, I’m Gwen Ifill… and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri for the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let’s welcome the candidates.
[ applause as the two candidates emerge from the wings and greet one another at the center of the stage ]
Gov Sarah Palin: Hey, can I call you, “Joe”?
Sen. Joe Biden: Of course.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Okay, ’cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you “Joe”!
Sen. Joe Biden: Okay, great!
[ the two candidates take their respective podiums ]
Gwen Ifill: Now, tonight’s discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have ninety seconds to respond to a direct question, and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond “Do you agree?” or “Your response?”, so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book… [ she holds up her book ] “The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama”, coming out on Inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And, finally, we would like to remind our audience that, due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit… you should consider the debate a tie. [ Palin nods in agreement ] All right, let’s begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?
Sen. Joe Biden: Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it’s been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I’ve done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because, look, I LOVE John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But, at the same time, he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let’s be frank, John McCain — and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for — is bad at his job and is mentally unstable. As my mother would say, “God love him, but he’s a raging maniac…” and a dear, dear friend.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden! And, may I say, up close your hair plugs don’t look nearly as bad as everyone says! You know, John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks. And, gosh darnit, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that’s plaguin’ this great country of ours!
Gwen Ifill: How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves, “What would a maverick do in this situation?” And then, you know, we’ll do that! [ she winks coyly ]
Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?
Sen. Joe Biden: Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And, again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only ONE other person it would be John McCain — no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time, let me say that again: time.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden’s comments about Senator McCain?
Gov. Sarah Palin: No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein’ an outsider. You see, while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years, I’ve been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs, and I’d also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also, too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government, “Hey, get outta my way! Stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!” But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.
Sen. Joe Biden: You know I get a little tired of being told I’m an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania! And that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re gonna find. I’ll show you around some time and you’ll see. It’s a hellhole! An absolute jerkwater of a town! You couldn’t stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition! Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place! It’s a genetic cesspool! So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute WORST place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania! And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.
Gwen Ifill: Senator Palin, address your position on global warming and whether you think it’s man-made or not.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Gwen, we don’t know if this climate change hoozie-what’s-it is man-made or if it’s just a natural part of the “End of Days”. But… I’m not gonna talk about that, I would like to talk about taxes, because, with Barack Obama, you’re gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And ,also, too, the great Ronald Reagan. [ she nods proudly for the reference ]
Gwen Ifill: The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?
Sen. Joe Biden: I do. In an Obama-Biden administration, same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be NO distinction. I repeat, NO distinction.
Gwen Ifill: So, to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?
Sen. Joe Biden: Absolutely not! But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital. And, in a lot of ways, that’s just as good, if not better.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few, too. Not personally. But I know of them. I’ve seen “Ellen”. Oh! And there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn’t officially “a gay”, but, you know, we were pretty sure.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?
Gov. Sarah Palin: I’m gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but, from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.
Gwen Ifill: I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ holding a flute ] Are we not doing the talent portion? [ she plays the flute anyway, then winks coyly ]
[ Ifill stares at Palin for a moment, then turns to address Biden ]
Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, your closing statement?
Sen. Joe Biden: My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully. And I’m gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, “Hey, this lady is a dummy!” But I didn’t! Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat: Joe Biden… [ he acknowledges himself ] is better… than that. [ he points to Palin, who waves ] So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant… you dopes got schooled, Biden-style!
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin?
Gov. Sarah Palin: I liked being here tonight, answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their “follow-up questions”, “fact-checking”, or “incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order”. I’m, uh — I’m happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn’t like politics as usual or pronouncin’ the “g” and the end of the words she’s sayin’ I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home — Maverick. [ she mimes popping a beer can pull tab, throws one back, and smiles ]
Gwen Ifill: Well, this concludes tonight’s debate. The book drops November 4th, and, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen Michael McCune…..Bobby Moynihan Jerome Gant…..Kenan Thompson Greg Phillips…..Bill Hader Judy Phillips…..Anne Hathaway Crystal…..Amy Poehler Herbert Sandler…..Darrell Hammond Marion Sandler…..Casey Wilson George Soros…..Will Forte
[ open on C-Span graphic ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout that was just passed by Congress.
[ dissolve to Bush, Pelosi, and Frank standing before reporters ]
President George W. Bush: Good afternoon. [ reading from notes ] On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences… and come together in a bipartisan spirit… to pass legislation that was absolutely vital… to ensre world confidence… in our financial markets… and to prevent a collapse in credit. Which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy. Approving this bill was the right thing to do… and I commend outr legislators for their actions. Speaker Pelosi?
Nancy Pelosi: [ she steps forward ] Thank you, Mr. President. I, too, applaud Congress for its vote, and add that, without your help, this bill might well have failed. [ Bush nods proudly ] Even though this financial crisis was 100% the fault of your administration… [ Bush adjusts his tie ] and it’s INSANE economic policies, and, though I’m sure you’ll agree, you WILL go down in history as our WORST president ever… this one time, you did manage somehow to not screw things up, and I want to acknowledge that.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, Madam Speaker. I was glad to do it!
[ Frank steps forward ]
Barney Frank: Let me ADD, Mr. President… I was also pleased to see that, for the first time in your eight years in office, and, possibly, your ENTIRE LIFE, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency!
President George W. Bush: [ while waving to members of the press ] You bet. You bet.
Nancy Pelosi: [ returning to the front ] Let’s not forget, Mr. President, that it was the Democrats who first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging, and that your party resisted ALL our efforts to reign them in.
President George W. Bush: Wait, wait, wait! Wasn’t it MY administration that warned about the problem SIX years ago? [ Pelosi rolls her eyes nervously ] And it was the DEMOCRATS who refused to listen?!
Nancy Pelosi: W-what?! N-no. W-who told you that? That — that’s crazy! It’s completely the other way around!
President George W. Bush: Okay.
Barney Frank: [ whispering in Pelosi’s ear ] Uh, actually, this time — this time, he’s sort of right.
Nancy Pelosi: Shhh! Don’t say anything — he doesn’t know!
[ Frank nods ]
Nancy Pelosi: Now, there was another point we wanted to make here, and, uh, Mr. President, you are welcome to stay.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, I’d like that! [ he steps closer ]
Nancy Pelosi: Back there would be better.
President George W. Bush: No problem! [ he steps back, but mugs for the camera between Pelosi and Frank as they speak ]
Nancy Pelosi: In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets. What hasn’t been talked about is that, behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans. People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors. And, today, we’d like to introduce you to some of them. [ two young men step forward ] Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules, and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes. Please tell us your story.
Michael McCune: Uhhh, well… to start, I still don’t understand how this happened. I mean, I mean — I fot all the requirements for a subprime mortgage. Uhhh — no credit history…
Jerome Gant: Same here!
Michael McCune: …no job!
Jerome Gant: Me, neither!
Michael McCune: …minor criminal record!
Jerome Gant: Dit-to!
Michael McCune: …dishonorable discharge from the Army!
Jerome Gant: Yeah, I got mine right here!
Michael McCune: …uh, drug problems!
Jerome Gant: Me, too!
Michael McCune: …alcohol problems!
Jerome Gant: Guilty as charged!
Michael McCune: …gambling addiction!
Jerome Gant: Yeah!
Michael McCune: …pregnant girlfriend — actually, TWO pregnane girlfriends!
Jerome Gant: Just the one!
Michael McCune: Yeah. Well, anyway, I was talked into a “balloon mortgage”, where you move into the house, and then you get to live in it, and you don’t have to pay money or anything to the bank, but then, later, you DO!
Jerome Gant: Yeah! What up with that?!
Michael McCune: Yeah! I mean, you could say I’m a double-victim, since I’ve never had a job, and now I don’t have a home!
Jerome Gant: Well, I’m a triple-victim, ’cause I’ve also been charged with arson, for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.
Nancy Pelosi: You are — you are both in our thoughts. [ she hugs Michael, but avoids hugging Jerome ]
Michael McCune: Thank you!
Jerome Gant: That’s nice!
Nancy Pelosi: This is — this is Greg Phillips, and his wife Judy. [ the Phillips’ step forward ] How did the housing market collapse affect you?
Greg Phillips: Well, my wife and I bought two dozen timeshare condos, which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them six months later for TRIPLE the purchase price, and then the real estate market tanked.
Nancy Pelosi: And you were doing this through…?
Judy Phillips: Misrepresentation.
Nancy Pelosi: Uh, no — I meant, did you do this out of your home, or…?
Judy Phillips: Out of greed.
Greg Phillips: Yes, out of greed.
Nancy Pelosi: And then, now, with the real estate market down, you’re stuck with two dozen timeshare condos that you can’t sell?
Judy Phillips: Unless we sold them for, like, ten per cent more than we paid.
Nancy Pelosi: So, you — you can’t make your mortgage payment?
Greg Phillips: Not without selling the boat… or putting off eseential cosmetic surgery.
[ a pregnant woman joins the Phillips ]
Nancy Pelosi: And, uh — who is this?
Greg Phillips: This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.
Crystal: Whasssssupppp?!!!
Greg Phillips: You see… I can’t have children — without getting BAD stretch marks.
Nancy Pelosi: You are also in our thoughts and prayers.
[ the Phillips’ step away, as the Sandlers step forward ]
Nancy Pelosi: This is Herbert and Marion Sandler. Tell us your story.
Herbert Sandler: My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them as securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia. Today, our portfolio’s worth almost nothing, though, at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.
Nancy Pelosi: My God, I am so sorry! Were you able to sell it for anything?
Herbert Sandler: Yes! For $24 billion!
Nancy Pelosi: I see. So, in that sense… you’re not here to speak as actual victims?
Herbert Sandler: [ he chuckles ] No, no, no! That would be Wachovia Bank!
Marion Sandler: Actually, we’ve done quite well. We’re very happy!
Herbert Sandler: We were sort of wondering why — we were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.
Marion Sandler: Anyway, it’s — it’s delightful to see you, Nancy!
[ Pelosi hugs Mrs. Sandler ]
Herbert Sandler: And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans, for helping block congressional oversight of our corrupt activity. [ he and his wife step away ]
Barney Frank: Not at all! But… let me say something else here: you know, many of you are probably wondering where did that $700 billion missing from our economy go? And to help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire Hedge Funds manager, George Soros.
[ George Soros steps forward ]
George Soros: So, what become of that $700 billion? Well, basically, it belongs to ME now! Actually, it’s not even American dollars any more, but Swiss francs, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.
President George W. Bush: Oh, really? That’s not good.
George Soros: You’re not to speak. I don’t like you. [ Bush backs away ] The U.S. Dollar will have to be devalued sometime next week, either Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven’t decided which yet; it would depend on how I feel.
Barney Frank: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Soros. You’re a great man!
George Soros: Yes. Could I just add that, uh, even though you know what’s coming, you won’t be able to do anything about it!
Nancy Pelosi: You’re a wise man, Mr. Soros, and a powerful one.
Barney Frank: You are BETTER than us!
George Soros: Mmm-hmm. [ turns to face Mr. Phillips ] Your wife is physically attractive. Sell her to me, please.
Greg Phillips: Sure.
Judy Phillips: Okay!
[ dissolve to C-Span graphic card ]
Announcer: We will now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen. McCain’s foreign policy issues already in progress, where Gov. Palin is about to say something embarrassing.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 4th, 2008 Anne Hathaway The Killers None Queen Latifah Tina Fey None
Vice Presidential DebateSummary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) plugs her book while moderating the vice-presidential debate between Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Scranton survivor Sen. Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Gwen Ifill, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin. Transcript
Montage
Anne Hathaway’s MonologueSummary: After announcing her ex-boyfriend’s trouble, Anne Hathaway announces that her new love interest is a Nigerian prince she met over the Internet. Transcript
The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) is oblivious to the musical stylings of sisters Janice (Anne Hathaway), Holly (Amy Poehler), Nora (Casey Wilson), and tiny-handed Denise (Kristen Wiig). Transcript
Bailout Press ConferenceSummary: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig) holds President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) accountable for the $700 billion that has affected hard-working slackers all across America. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank. Transcript
Guest HouseSummary: A group of guys (Fred Armisen, Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader) struggle to get noticed by a group of girls (Anne Hathaway, Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson) at a dance club. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg vs. Kristen Wiig in the Extreme Activities Competition. Transcript
The Killers perform “Human”
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Orville Willis Forte IV (Will Forte) sings a detailed song outlining which politicians voted yay or nay for the bailout plan. Transcript
Mary PoppinsSummary: When Michael (Bobby Moynihan) and Jane Banks (Casey Wilson) question the definition of “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”, Mary Poppins (Anne Hathaway) obliquely allows that it’s a sexually transmitted disease which affects the liver. Transcript
Sioux City News 3Summary: It’s bloopers galore for the most Youtubed local newscast in America. Transcript
Mark Wahlberg Talks To AnimalsSummary: Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg) talks to animals. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal for last season’s episode hosted by Steve Carell. Transcript
I’m Not GaySummary: Moments before she moves out of their apartment, Marcus (Jason Sudeikis) reveals his true sexual orientation to his roommate Amber (Anne Hathaway). Transcript
The Killers perform “Spaceman
The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy PerrySummary: Katy Perry (Casry Wilson) maintains the beat but not the sexual electricity in a series of pedestrian sound-alike hits. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals for the episodes hosted by Michael Phelps and Anna Faris. Transcript
Air Date: