Ben Affleck: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Uh — of course, like many of you, my mind is on next Tuesday, and this… incredibly important election. Uh, I’ve always been politiclaly active, myself. When I was a kid, my mom took me around to canvas for Jimmy Carter when he ran for re-election against Reagan. Uh, I even volunteered for — for — for Mondale and Ferraro. Of course, they lost, but, uh — I did a little work for Dukakis when I was in high school. In 1992, I, uh — volunteered for Paul Tsongas. He didn’t win. [ he clears his throat ] Then, GORE! Uh — then, Kerry. [ he clear his throat, embarrassed by his track record of failure ] So… basically, my support has the opposite effect. So, it seems the best thing I can do for the Democratic Party candidate — uh — is to stand here tonight, and announce my endorsement of Sen. John McCain. [ audience cheers ] He’s actually here tonight! He’s a great guy — I can’t wait to tell him the good news, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled!
We have a great show tonight — David Cook is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!
A Special Message from Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah Palin
…..Sen. John McCain Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey …..Cindy McCain
[ open on QVC schedule card ]
Announcer: Later on QVC: At midnight, it’s “Applique Fever with George Ann Bice”; at 12:30, it’s “Belts, Belts, Belts”; and, at 1:00 a.m., “Jewelry Addicts Late Night Nod-Off!” But, now, a special message from Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin.
[ dissolve to Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah Palin standing on QVC set ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m John McCain.
Gov. Sarah Palin: And, you know, I’m just Sarah Palin!
Sen. John McCain: The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC.
Gov. Sarah Palin: These campaigns sure are expensive! [ she playfully strokes her jacket lapel ]
Sen. John McCain: They sure are. They sure are. So, tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign.
Gov. Sarah Palin: And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we’re gonna try and sell you some stuff!
Sen. John McCain: This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products? Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrate the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. [ reveal blank plates on wall ] They are blank. He wouldn’t agree to those debates. Too bad. They’re still nice plates.
[ cut to Palin standing beside a set of action figures ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: And who wouldn’t want the complete set of limited edition “Joe” action figures? There’s “Joe the Plumber”, “Joe Six-Pack”, and, my personal favorite, “Joe Biden”. If ya’ pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.
[ Palin pulls Biden’s cord ]
Joe biden Doll V/O: I take the Amtrak to work every day! Then - after work - I take it home! Let me tell you something about Joe Biden — he’s not gonna back down…!
Sen. John McCain: It’s great if you want to clear out a party.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Or keep elk out of your yard!
Sen. John McCain: But we’re not just here to sell products. We’re here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges, and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference —
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ interrupting ] Also, too - sorry! I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our Washington Outsider Jewelry Extravaganza.
Sen. John McCain: Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can’t go wrong with McCain Fine Gold.
[ McCain steps to the side, where Cindy McCain poses behind a display for “McCain Fine Gold” ]
Sen. John McCain: It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act — and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy.
[ cut to Palin at another display table ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: And what busy hockey mom wouldn’t want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin’s “Ayers Fresheners”? You plug these into the wall when something doesn’t quite smell quite right. Also, too, it’s good because it reminds people about William Ayers!
[ cut to McCain standing at another display table ]
Sen. John McCain: Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore — with John McCain’s complete set of pork knives. They cut the pork out!
[ cut to Palin ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: So instead of going to one of those elite department stores, with their liberal agendas and over-priced items, and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights — why not do your holiday shopping with us? [ she turns to a different camera and whispers ] Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin’ rogue right now, so keep your voices down. [ she holds up a “Palin 2012” t-shirt ] Available now, we got a buncha’ these “Palin in 2012” T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear ’em, okay? Because I am not goin’ anywhere! And I’m certainly not goin’ back to Alaska! If I’m not goin’ to the White House, I’m either runnin’ in four years or I’m gonna be a white Oprah, so… you know, I’m good either way!
Sen. John McCain: What’s going on over there, Sarah?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Ohhhh, just talkin’ about taxes. [ she gives a sly wink to the camera ]
Sen. John McCain: Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course! But I’m a TRUE maverick — a Republican without money. And I’m not like my opponent. My only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from “The Hills”. So I’m here on QVC, and, like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value, and convenience.
Gov. Sarah Palin: And great deals on juicers!
Sen. John McCain: So when you go to the polls on Tuesday, remember: “Country First”. As a reminder, all undergarments are non-refundable. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire Back in your Marriage Techniques
Grady Wilson….Kenan Thompson
(Opens with Grady Wilson. A 50-ish old black man, almost balding, gray hair, sweater)
Grady Wilson: Well, hello. I´m Grady Wilson and I want to have a word with all the men out there about something very important. Your marriage. As years go by too many gentlemen nowadays lose the passion that they once had. Especially in the lovemaking. But sexual relations are very important between couples. And just because you´ve been together for a long time it doesn´t mean the quality of your lovemaking should suffer. Which is why I made this DVD. (holds DVD case up) Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire back in your Marriage Techniques. Spend one hour with this tape and you´ll get guaranteed moves like “The Whipped Butter”.
(cut to Mr. Grady in his basement wearing only his underwear and socks. The basement is all cluttered up with beer cans, weights, an old lounge chair, lamp, tools and all kinds of crap on the shelves behind him.)
Caption: “The Whipped Butter”
Grady Wilson: OK, now for this one what you wanna do is you wanna get your center of gravity down low. (he squats a little) Get the balance in your thighs. (slaps thighs twice) Balance in your thighs. And then you just whip that butter! (makes a rapid circle with his butt) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip it!
Caption: “The Jack of all Trades”
Grady Wilson: “The Jack of all Trades” All right now, you wanna get you hands and your tongue and your thrust going on at the same time. (he jumps back sticking his tongue and banging to the front three times) Huh! Huh! Huh!
Caption: “The Yeah That´s Good”
Grady Wilson: And “The Yeah that´s Good”. All right, for this one you wanna get your leg up as high as it can go. (puts one leg up on the lounge chair) Get it up real high like that….yeah that´s good. (bangs to the front slowly) And dip your back. (dips his back) Oh, that´s good. O-o-oh, that´s good right there. (dips some more) Dip your back. Keep dipping it. (dips some more) Yeah, that´s good. Yeah, that´s good.
Grady Wilson: Every lovemaking technique here is a supercharged wallop for passion to your woman guaranteed to knock it out. First learn the basics, then you´ll be ready for more advance techniques like “The Peek a Boo”.
Caption: “The Peek a Boo”
Grady Wilson: OK, what you wanna do is get down in a football stance. (Grady turns his back to the camera and bends over, his head pops from between his legs) And you wanna go: “Peek a boo”! “Peek a boo”! “Peek a boo”!
Caption: “The you can´t hide from me”
Grady Wilson: Girl, you better come, come, get over here! (Grady runs in circles around the lounge chair) You can´t run from me! (Grady almost falls)
Caption: “The Bumble Bee”
Grady Wilson: “The Flight of the Bumble Bee” Bzzzz…(Grady flies around like a bee, arms pressed to his sides) Stinger! (pushes his pelvis forward) Bzzzzz….(again, pelvis forward) Stinger!
Grady Wilson: And if you´re feeling adventurous go to the extra section in the DVD for some of the craziest moves you´ve ever seen! Remember, this techniques are only for experts. Moves like “The Cannonball Run”.
Caption: “The Cannonball Run”
Grady Wilson: Yiah! (Grady is flat on his back, legs up, kicks up) Yiah! (kicks) Yiah! (kicks)
Caption: “The Getaway”
Grady Wilson: “The Getaway”. Where you goin´, girl? (Grady pulls one hand in front of the other like pulling on a rope) Where you goin´? (hops and pulls) Where you going, girl? (hops and pulls)
Caption: “The Stormin´ Normandy”
Grady Wilson: “The Stormin´Normandy” (Grady hides behind the lounge chair) Open up the U-Boat! (jumps from behind the chair and imitates a plane firing machine guns) Ratatatata! (hides and jumps back) Ratatatata! Ow! (pretends being wounded)
Caption: “The Gotcha!”
Grady Wilson: And “The Gotcha!” OK, now what you wanna do is you wanna put your lady about five paces away from you. Just like this lounge chair here. Then you wanna….(Grady moves out of camera range and comes running fast, jumps and lands on the lounge chair) Gotcha! Yeah! (bangs the chair) That´s good!
(Grady is very amused with himself)
Grady Wilson: Ha, ha, ha, ha! “The Gotcha!” So buy the DVD and get your marriage back where it belongs and get ready to knock it out. Call now.
Keith Olbermann…..Ben Affleck Michael Hilyard…..Kenan Thompson Richard Wolffe…..Fred Armisen
[ open on “Countdown” opening montage ]
[ dissolve to Keith Olbermann seated at desk with stern expression on his face ]
Keith Olbermann: Good evening, I’m Keith Olbermann. Our fifth story in the “Countdown”: [ image: President George W. Bush with “Racist In Chief” text ] That he is the worst president in our nation’s 220-year existence — indeed, the worst president EVER to head a government of any kind of the whole human history — is beyond dispute. But even Mr. Bush’s harshest critics had, until this week, credited him with a MODICUM of human decency — a decency utterly BELIED by the tape you are presently to see, a tape at which, at a White House press conference, Mr. Bush abruptly launches into a stream of ugly racist invective that would embarrass even David Duke! We turn now to Michael Hilyard, board member of the New York/New Jersey branch of the NAACP. As always Michael, great thanks for your time.
Michael Hilyard: Happy to be here, Keith.
Keith Olbermann: Michael, given the vile nature of his racist tirade, should not Mr. Bush immediately resign?
Michael Hilyard: Well, Keith, I haven’t really seen the tape. Is it… that bad?
Keith Olbermann: It is, without question, one of the most REPELLANT displays of bigotry I have EVER witnessed!
[ cut to Bush delivering a speech on tape ]
President George W. Bush: “…and to conduct a full-scale investigation… to hunt down… and to find those folks… who committed this act.”
[ cut back to the studio ]
Michael Hilyard: I’m sorry. Is that — is that the whole tape? Because, I’ll be honest, I’m not really seeing the racism there.
Keith Olbermann: [ he puffs his cheeks ] “To find the folks.”
Michael Hilyard: [ confused ] “Folks”?
Keith Olbermann: Well, he obviously meant African-Americans.
Michael Hilyard: Really? Well… it didn’t hit me that way.
Keith Olbermann: “We will find the folks.”
Michael Hilyard: Yeah. Also, in that clip, he’s talking about al Qaeda, whose members are entirely Middle Eastern and not Black.
Keith Olbermann: So we have a president who is not only a racist, but also an imbecile.
Michael Hilyard: That — that’s not what I meant!
Keith Olbermann: Michael Hilyard of the NAACP. It’s always so great, thanks for your time.
Michael Hilyard: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant!
[ Hilyard is cut off ]
Keith Olbermann: On our fourth story of the “Countdown”: in his last and desperate moments, the McCain presidential campaign has decided to get its “Nazi” on. Asked at a Toledo rally yesterday to justify the invasion of Iraq, the Arizona senator said: [ image: McCain with quote and “Seig Heil” banner ] “When a brutal dictator threatens his neighbors, responsible democratic government simply must act. Hitler is a good example.” So, let me get this STRAIGHT, Senator! Nazi Germany was a responsible democratic government and Hitler was not only GOOD, but, indeed, in your words: “a good example”? We’re joined now by our own Richard Wolffe, senior White House correspondent for “Newsweek” magazine. Good evening, Richard.
Richard Wolffe: Hi, Keith.
Keith Olbermann: Richard, as you know, throughout this campaign, I have frequently called for Senator McCain’s ARREST! But, with this latest celebration of all things NAZI, has not McCain crossed the line, and, for the good of the country, should he not straight away resign?
Richard Wolffe: Well, Keith, I, too, have been critical of Senator McCain. But to suggest that he has Nazi sympathies, I think, is rather outrageous.
Keith Olbermann: [ modestly ] Courageous? I suppose. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been called that. That started in high school, with my editorials for the school radio station, and my work as the equipment manager for the cross country team. So… courageous? Sure. Guilty as charged.
Richard Wolffe: Uh — no. Outrageous. Not courageous. Outrageous.
Keith Olbermann: Richard Wolffe, senior White House correspondent.
Richard Wolffe: No! Keith, please don’t cut me off! Please!
Keith Olbermann: Alright, thanks for your time.
Richard Wolffe: I didn’t mean it!
Keith Olbermann: Ahead on the “Countdown”: my bid for a three-bedroom apartment on Manhattan’s upper west SIDE is REJECTED by the building’s CO-OP BOARD! Ostensibly, because my CAT is not allowed under its policy banning PETS! Tonight, my special comment. But, first, on this date in 1903, Eric Blair was born under the pen name George Orwell. He wrote two of the 20th century’s most consequential books — “Animal Farm”… and “1984”. Both of which… I have read. The first, when I was only 19. I have known his real name was Eric Blair since senior year at Cornell. As the leading visionary of his age, were he alive today, Orwell would no doubt admire me greatly. My eloquence, my passion, and, perhaps most of all, my ferocious integrity!
[ organ music pots up ]
And now, “Countdown’s” Worst Person in the World! To “Newsweek” senior White House correspondent Richard Wolffe! [ image: still-shot of Wolffe’s moments-earlier appearance ] ONCE an actual journalist! Mr. Wolffe is now a full-time water carrier for the NAZI WING of the Republican Party! Hey, Richard! HOW MUCH IS HALLBURTON PAYING YOU??!! I HOPE IT’S NOT PAYING YOU IN OIL!!!! [ Affleck stifles his own laughter as the audience explodes ] Seriously, Richard… why not preserve what tiny scraps of dignity you still have left, AND RESIGN?! [ image: Wolffe dressed in Nazi garb ] Richard Wolffe, McCain campaign butt boy, and today’s “Worst Person in the World!”
And now, as promised, a special comment. The letter was brief and to the point. “Dear Mr. Olbermann,” it read. “The co-op board, having reviewed your request for an exception to its “No Pets” policy, in order to accommodate your cat — [ image: Olbermann’s cat ] Miss Precious Perfect, regretfully concludes that, in consideration of the rights of other co-op residents, such an exception is not possible at this time. Sincerely Richard Lieberstein, Co-op President.”
[ Olbermann turns his head to the left to face the next camera ]
And there it was. All perfectly legal. [ image: Japanese-Americans boarding a bus ] Like the 1942 internment of more than 100,000 Japanese American citizens. [ image: Trail of Tears ] Or the forced relocation of the Cherokee on the Trail of Tears. [ image: drinking fountain with “Whites Only” sign ] Or the monstrous injustice of our nation’s Jim Crow laws. It was ALL perfectly legal!! AND!! EVERY BIT AS WRONG!!! If NOT!! Indeed, MORE SO!!
[ Olbermann turns his head to the right to face the next camera ]
Mr. Lieberstein!! [ image: Mr. Lieberstein ] You speak of considerations of the rights of others!! How DARE you, sir?! How DARE you?!
[ Olbermann turns his head again to the right to face the next camera ]
Where, sir, in any of this, were the rights of Miss Precious Perfect considered? [ image: Miss Precious perfect ] DAMN YOU, Mr. Lieberstein!! [ image: Mr. Lieberstein ] DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
[ Olbermann turns a complete 360 in his chair to face right back to the same camera ]
No, Mr. Lieberstein — your decision was based, not on consideration, but on FEAR!!! [ image: Miss Precious Perfect ] Fear of carpets STAINED!!! Of deliverymen CLAWED!!! Of kitty litter, boxes tipped over!! Of hairballs coughed up!!
[ Olbermann turns his head again to the right to face the next camera ]
We have seen this fear before: in Cambodia, under Pol Pot. [ image: skulls and bones ] In Russia, under Stalin. [ image: Stalin ] In Massachusetts, under Mitt Romney. [ image: Mitt Romney ] It is the FEAR, sir, and the TYRANNY of with which we DARE no longer PUT!! I pray thee, sir, let us have done with it!!
[ Olbermann leans back in his chair and cranes his neck to stare into a higher-placed camera ]
And what of the building’s other residents? [ image: the Donnellys ] The Donnellys in 7A. [ image: the Gaspens ] The Gaspens in 4B. [ image: gay guys ] The gay guys in the garden apartment! Their silence is deafening. See they not that HORROR to which the Liebersteins have so willingly blinded themselves? [ image: Miss Precious Perfect ] This, sir, is a GENOCIDE! A FELINE genocide!
[ Olbermann turns his head again to the right to face the next camera ]
And, so, the verdict is rendered, there is no appeal. Miss Precious Perfect, my mother and I, shall find another apartment. For me, the financial damage is negligible. For Miss Precious Perfect, the psychological damage, incalculable! [ image: Miss Precious Perfect perched on a small-sized toilet ] Still, one imperative remains. Mr. Lieberstein, sir, if you yet retain any trace of HONOR, you must, at once, RESIGN as president of this co-op! INDEED, sir, justice and decency DEMSNDS YOU SO TO DO!!!
Klaus Bierhoff…..Fred Armisen Oliver…..Ben Affleck
[ open on Klaus and Oliver Bierhoff, wearing their company’s thick coats ]
Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! Are you a German who is visiting New York City?
Oliver Bierhoff: Do you need a coat, for valking around?
Klaus Bierhoff: If you answered “YES!” to either of zese questions, you would be a foo-ool not to stop by Bierhoff Bros. House of German Coats!
[ quick reveal graphic of store exterior ]
Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! I’m Klaus Bierhoff!
Oliver Bierhoff: I am Oliver Bierhoff. For twenty years, ve have been providing coats to German families who are visiting the New York City area.
Klaus Bierhoff: Only a Bierhoff coat says “I’m a German! I’m on vacation! I’m sensible! And I am wearing a coat that is functional!”
Oliver Bierhoff: Ya.
Klaus Bierhoff: “I am vith my family. You can tell because ve are ALL wearing the same coat!”
[ reveal such a photo ]
Oliver Bierhoff: Yes. Zis is ze promise that ve made to you vith our coats!
Klaus Bierhoff: Many coats are designed for fashion and so. At Bierhoff Bros., we believe that zose coats belong in ze GARBAGE!
Oliver Bierhoff: Geet reed of zose coats! Because OUR coats are NO NONSENSE! And that is ze ONLY thing that makes sense to us!
Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! That is our slogan!
[ SUPER: “Our coats are no nonsense and that is the only thing that makes sense to us” ]
Klaus Bierhoff: It’s not a catchy slogan —
Oliver Bierhoff: No!
Klaus Bierhoff: But it’s a FUNCTIONAL slogan!
Oliver Bierhoff: We believe zose catchy slogans…
Together: BELONG IN THE GARBAGE!!!
Klaus Bierhoff: Oliver and I are each wearing the new…
Together: TIMES SQUARE COAT!!
Klaus Bierhoff: The perfect coat for the Times Square area of New York City!
Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! Let’s look at the features.
Klaus Bierhoff: Ya ya! Okay. So, look — there’s an outer reflective band, and it says to the taxis: “Do not hit me, Mr. Taxi!” And, zen, the inner reflective band, it says: “I was actually trying to HAIL you, and so!”
There is a hood for when it is raining. [ he pulls up a hood ] And then there is a second hood for when it is raining harder! [ he pulls up the second hood ]
Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! And then there is a red flag you can extend if you lose your family in a crowd! [ a red flag raises from the back of his coat ] FAMILY, WHERE ARE YOU?!! WHERE ARE YOU?!! I NEED YOU!!
Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! And, also, there is a yelling cone that you can use if your family does not see the red flag! [ he holds up yelling cone ] HELLO, FAMILY!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!
Oliver Bierhoff: [ jumping ] WE ARE HERE!! WE ARE HERE!!
Klaus Bierhoff: Alright, I have found you! I have you!
[ they hug ]
Oliver Bierhoff: The new Times Square coat also takes into account that you are an innocent visitor to the city.
Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! You have to fit into a fancy restaurant and so, look: the sleeves are removable! [ he yanks off his coat’s sleeves ] Look! I am now properly dressed for a fancy restaurant!
Oliver Bierhoff: What ees zees? Still unsatisfied? Well, my goodness! To that, I say, you are being unreasonable! You should be SATISFIED wih zis coat!!
Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! But, in an effort to get your business, we have added more features and so!
Oliver Bierhoff: Yes! We have added… a POUCH! [ he oulls out a salami ] For hard salami!
Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! [ he reaches into his pocket ] A pouch for REGULAR salami!
Oliver Bierhoff: Yeah! Uh — uh — many other pouches! For sausage, a pouch.
Klaus Bierhoff: Uh — for, for purchases souveniers![ he pulls out a miniature Statue of Liberty ]
Oliver Bierhoff: Klaus? I did not know you purchased this.
Klaus Bierhoff: That is because I was keeping it in my pouch for purchased souveniers!
[ they chuckle at the joke ]
Klaus Bierhoff: Finally! The Bierhoff coat is ze only voat on ze market that can be turned into a tent!
[ reveal tent ]
Oliver Bierhoff: This tent is in case you are robbed and are forced to sleep outside on steps!
Klaus Bierhoff: Okay, we’ve explained enough for now! Goodbye!
Oliver Bierhoff: Goodbye!
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: The Oliver Bierhoff Times Square Coat is a proper coat.
[ cut back to Klaus and Oliver ]
Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! So, if you order now, you will receive a Bierhoff Bros. fanny pack!
Oliver Bierhoff: With another fanny pack to keep your fanny pack in!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 1st, 2008 Ben Affleck David Cook None Sen. John McCain Tina Fey Cindy McCain None
A Special Message from Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah PalinSummary: In order to raise last-minute awareness for their campaign, Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) purchase airtime on QVC and hawk related pieces of merchandise. Recurring Characters: Gov. Sarah Palin. Transcript
Montage
Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Realizing that his support of Democratic candidates has backfired over the years, Ben Affleck grants his endorsement to Sen. John McCain in the hopes it will benefit Sen. Barack Obama. Transcript
Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide. Note: Repeat from 08a.
The ViewSummary: The ladies argue about the Presidential election with special guests Jennifer Aniston (Casey Wilson) and Alec Baldwin (Ben Affleck). Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Jennifer Aniston.
Countdown with Keith OlbermannSummary: Keith Olbermann (Ben Affleck) cuts off his guests after misquoting them, then grouses that his celebrity didn’t enable him to break a co-op’s illegal “No Pets” policy. Transcript
Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) is the unlikely recipient of a weird UPS delivery driver’s (Ben Affleck) wanton affections. Recurring Characters: Target Lady.
The Staten Island ZooSummary: Zoo official (Jason Sudeikis) shows off a falsely accurate student video on the rocking lifestyle of giraffes. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Sen. John McCain announces some of his desperate last-minute campaign strategies. Drs. Patrick (Will Forte) and Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing a campaign song. Amy Poehler’s grumpy Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) comments on the new Fall TV season. Recurring Characters: Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly, Aunt Linda. Transcript
Night School MusicalSummary: The musical stylings of middle-agers who are fulfilling their Senior Year equivalent.
Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire Back in your Marriage TechniquesSummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates how to put the fire back in your marriage. Transcript
The Zolesky BrothersSummary: Brothers (Ben Affleck, Bill Hader) pitch a coming-of-age story complete with unnecessary gay porn.
David Cook performs “Declaration”
Bierhoff Brothers House of CoatsSummary: Bierhoff Brothers (Fred Armisen, Ben Affleck) pitch their Times Square coat. Transcript
…..Seth Meyers Robo-Call…..Will Forte Ralph Nader…..Bill Hader Nicholas Fehn…..Fred Armisen …..Maya Rudolph …..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is not here tonight, because she’s having a baby. [ audience cheers ] Now, here are tonight’s other top stories:
John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled: “Hey, you damn kids, get off my lawn!”
On Wednesday, Barack Obama danced live, via satellite, for the Ellen DeGeneres show, in an attempt to prove that he’s not a Muslim but, rather, very, very white.
According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant.
A woman in Pennsylvania who claimed that a man attacked her and carved a “B” on her face when he saw her McCain bumper sticker, admitted Friday that she made the story up. Still unanswered: Who did this to John McCain? [ image: McCain with “Obama “Hearts” Ayers” tattoo on his arm ]
Seth Meyers: This week, the McCain campaign has been receiving criticism for making automated — or Robo — calls in battleground states, that link Barack Obama to William Ayers. Here to defend the calls… Robo-Call!
Robo-Call: [ stiffly ] Hello, Seth. I’m calling for John McCain and the RNC. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers.
Seth Meyers: Uh, actually, he and Bill Ayers just served on an educational board together.
Robo-Call: Ayers is terrorist! Obama is best friend! They are gay-sex married!
Seth Meyers: Robo-Call, I think you know that’s not true.br> Robo-Call: All Robo-Call know is Obama is Facebook friend with Osama bin Laden!
Seth Meyers: No. no, Robo-Call. How can you say all these things when you know they aren’t true? This is the same thing you did to John McCain in 2000. I mean, aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
Robo-Call: Ye-e-es. Robo-Call ashamed. Robo-Call not expect life to turn out like this. [ he chugs a canister of oil ]
Seth Meyers: Are you having a drink, Robo-Call?
Robo-Call: Seth? Oil?
Seth Meyers: No, I’m good.
Robo-Call: Robo-Call built to give movie times. Now Robo-Call only used to scare old people. Robo-Call feel dirty all the time.
Seth Meyers: Well, then why do you do it?
Robo-Call: Robo-Call want be important. Like attention. Want to impress older brother.
Seth Meyers: Older brother?
Robo-Call: Robo-Cop!
Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah…
[ Robo-Call chugs more oil ]
Seth Meyers: Oh, no… you’re still drinking oil.
Robo-Call: One second! [ he presses a series of his buttons ]
Seth Meyers: Who are you calling?
[ Robo-Call rings; a voice picks up ]
Voice: Hello! Suicide Hotline!
[ Seth reaches over to hang up Robo-Call ]
Robo-Call: Robo-Call so sad. Next week, Robo-Call supposed to tell black people election canceled.
Seth Meyers: Look, Robo-Call — I know you lost your way, but, you know, maybe it’s not too late to go back.
Robo-Call: [ shakes head ] “Saw 5”! Rated R! Now playing, 14th Street Cinema!
Seth Meyers: THAT’S the spirit, Robo-Call!
Robo-Call: Robo-Call reborn!!
Seth Meyers: Robo-Call, everybody!
[ image: Alan Greenspan ] On Thursday, your grandfather finally admitted that he screwed up the economy.
While speaking before Congress on Thursday, Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, said he was “shocked” his ideas led to the current economic crisis, and said “I still do not understand exactly how it happened.” Well, let me see if I can give it a shot: Banks bundled mortgages that had been given to people that wouldnt even qualify for jury duty, and then sold those along with credit default swaps, which are basically insurance the seller provides to the buyer in case the purchased entity loses value. However, unlike regular insurance, these swaps werent regulated, so they failed to meet any standards of responsible business. Then, when everything collapsed, it spread like an infection, because when people are making money, they dont ask “how”, they just say “Yay!” But, again, youre the expert!
Mr. Blackwell, the creator of the infamous Worst Dressed list, died this week at the age of 86. It turns out he was caught dead in that outfit.
Seth Meyers: With only ten days to go before the elections, polls show Barack Obama with a commanding lead. Here to comment — oh, no — Ralph Nader.
Ralph Nader: Ohhhhh! Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. I’ve been traveling this great nation of ours, trying to get on the ballot everywhere I go. People are craving excitement!
Seth Meyers: Actually, it seems to me most people are pretty excited about this race already. I mean, where have you been hanging out?
Ralph Nader: Food co-ops! Art compounds! I was at Burning Man for a couple of days, that was pretty good. The point is, Americans want a fresh look. You know?
Seth Meyers: Fresh look? No offense, but you make John McCain look like Zac Efron.
Ralph Nader: I don’t know who that is.
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Ralph Nader: But I do know Ba-rack Obama raised $150 million this year. Now, how can he not be in the pockets of corporations? You know how much I raised, Seth?
Seth Meyers: How much?
Ralph Nader: Nothing! But a DRama teacher in Ore-o-gan gave me this suit! Seth, we’re about to enter another Great Depression. Don’t you want a president who is already dressed for it? Huh? Hey?
Seth Meyers: Well… it was really good to see you.
Ralph Nader: The American people have had enough… and not only will I fight for them, but so will my running mate.
Seth Meyers: Who is your running mate?
[ Nader raises his hand, which is covered with a sock puppet ]
Seth Meyers: Okay…
Ralph Nader: Manuel! Hello, Manuel… are you fed up? [ in squeaky voice ] Si! Si!
Seth Meyers: Ralph Nader, everyone!
Ralph Nader: And Manuel!
[ Seth reaches over to shake Nader’s hand; Nader relunctantly shakes back, using his sock puppet hand ]
For the first time since 1956, Daniel, and not Michael, is the most popular name for boys. While, for the seventh year in a row, the least popular name for boys is “Al Qaeda #2”.
In Japan, an engineer has developed a sensor which measures and translates a plants signals, enabling a potted plant at a cafe near Tokyo to write a regular blog. Oh, the Japanese… so much technology, so little being normal.
Actress Rosanna Arquette, columnist Liz Smith, and Daisy Fuentes are among the celebrities wearing T-shirts saying, “Own Your Age”, which is part of a campaign to fight age discrimination, and not to be confused with my dating website for the elderly: “boneyourage.com”.
Seth Meyers: Here now, with his own take on this week’s top stories, political comedian extraordinaire Nicholas Fehn.
Nicholas Fehn: Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh, for those of you who aren’t familiar with my work, what I do is I read headlines from today’s newspapers, and I provide my own skewed view just off the top of my head. Very humorous, funny stuff. [ lifts a paper ] Let’s start with, uh — oh! This is great. Um — this is today’s New York Times. Check this out: “Some Currecies Plunge as Stocks Sink Worldwide.” Nooo!!
[ he turns to a second newspaper ]
Oh! Oh! This made me so mad! This is — this is an incredible one: “U.S. Mulls Widening Bailout to Insurers.” Who said — did — did that? N-no.
[ he turns to a third newspaper ]
Thank you. Um — okay, I thought of you guys. This is the Boston Globe: “Special Laws Skirt PensionSystem.” Yuo see that there? This is — this is exactly — this is precisely… One of — one of the first thoughts I… mulled over… You take any train, anywhere… and the first — I think any idea we have to at least conquer — at the very top of these scales — we’re — no! None of us are — isn’t — isn’t that exactly what they — they — what the essence is, of everything they — look! I — I never — agriculture in the 30’s – -they — was never — they’re — you, you take — and — look, if I took a patent down, on any kind — they — my, my, my sister had a crewcut —
Seth Meyers: Okay, I’m sorry. Mr. Fehn, sorry. Is this going anywhere?
Nicholas Fehn: You know, Seth… first, I wish Amy was here. She really gets this kind of humor, she’s on top of that kind of thing. And, and, and, and your problem — and please forgive me. Seth, the only — I — I don’t expect anyone here — I don’t even — I — my respect does not — there is, at least, an immersion of — there’s a — if we all shouted at the count of 27 — that — you, and I — I — no, I — I will be the FIRST one, FIRST one to at least listen to — there’s, there’s no acknowledgment of —
Seth Meyers: Nicholas Fehn, everybody!
A new law went into effect in New York, this week, in which dog owners who fail to pick up after their pets will be fined $250 dollars. Which should lead to a slight increase in people nervously looking around for cops while their dog lays one down.
This week on “The View”, co-hosts Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar had a heated exchange that ended with Hasselbeck shouting, “You want some more Barack Obama Kool-aid?” To which former co-host Rosie ODonnell replied, “Oh yeah!” and burst through the brick wall in the back of the studio.
Seth Meyers: We’d like to close Weekend Update tonight with a shout-out to our dear, dear friend Amy Poehler. We can’t wait to hear. We are so excited for you. This is for you:
Maya Rudolph: [ singing ] “You’re just too good to be true.”
Kenan Thompson: [ singing ] “Can’t take my eyes off of you.”
Together: “We love you, Amy! And we just can’t wait to meet your baby! With chubby cheeks so sweet! We’ll always love you, Amy! Yes, we love you, Amy!”
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend update”, I’m Seth Meyers! We love you, Amy! Good night!
Andy Samberg: “Jah! Rastafarianism Yes I, Ras Trent Ba-da ding-ding-ding-ding whooaaaaa! Who dem? You no want test me champion sound
Oh fire pon Babylon and fire pon a batty boy Rude boy living in the shanty dorms My roommate Nick is an ignorant bald-head
Now chant down Babylon midterm essays Then puff from de chalice I be make from a Sprite can
Last week I read a book about Selassie I Then told my bombaclot parents I was switching religions
Excuse I! Oh hot stepper, you do so many dutty crimes Nyabinghi! And plus you’re fully skylarking all the time
Doo-da-loo look ya now
Have you ever noticed how bald-heads suck? Ba-da-da ding-ding-ding-ding dong-dang ding-dong duck!
Excuse I for my skanking give thanks and praise Me toil part-time at jah Cold Stone Creamery
In a dub style! Roller skates…a DVD of Cool Runnings…Murder, She Wrote Yagga-yagga-yagga yowwww!
Are you there Jah? It’s me, Ras Trent Are you there Jah? It’s me, Ras Trent
Are you there Jah? It’s me, Ras Trent Please guide me (mumbles) pon your right path of righteousness
Oh stannaho, stannaho, stannaho, stannahoy Jaaaah! Fussing and fighting and Zion and Roots Red Stripe, Shabba, Ragamuffin culture Me night nurse never want to plant the corn Skiddily-whoa Diddily, skiddily diddily diddily…”
Rep. John Murtha…..Darrell Hammond Sen. Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: Next, on “Road to the White House”: earlier today, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden and congressman John Murtha spoke at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where they attempted to blow the election for Senator Obama.
[ dissolve to Murtha and Biden standing together at rally ]
Rep. John Murtha: How’s everybody doin’ today? Now, before we get started, I want to clear the air about something I said last week, when I suggested that the good people here in Western Pennsylvania are racist. That’s not at all what I meant to say. [ a beat ] It’s more that they’re ignorant, and they don’t know any better. Especially your older ones. They’re just bone ignorant. It’s like someone said earlier in the campaign — I don’t remember who — they cling to guns and religion, because they feel threatened. And that’s so true.
Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, Jack…
Rep. John Murtha: I couldn’t say it any better myself. But enough from me, I’m gonna hand this over to a guy you all know, the next Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden!
Sen. Joe Biden: Thanks, Jack! Thank you very much! Congressman Jack Murtha, everybody! [ the crowd cheers ] That’s alright, that’s alright! Let me tell you something, Johnstown! Two weeks from now, with the help of the people of Western Pennsylvania, we’re going to elect a new President. President Barack Obama! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey, look at that! Look at that, I see we’ve got Pete Harrigan here today! Look at that — a great state senator! Give it up for Pete! Stand up, Pete! Alright, Pete!
Let me tell you something else — and listen to me well. As sure as I’m standing here today, during his first few weeks in office, this brilliant young President is going to be tested! Tested by an international crisis, the likes of which this nation has never before seen! A deliberately manufactured crisis, designed to test his mettle! Alright? Now, in this crisis, he will have to make decisions, decisions that may at first, though they may seem, to the casual observer, seem a little ill considered. Our military may invade Pakistan! Or surrender to the Chinese! We may sell Hawaii to Saudi Arabia! Or just destroy it, so it can’t fall into North Korean hands. But just reserve your judgment. We know what we’re doin’! That’s right! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Mickey Doyle! County Treasurer, everybody, Mickey Doyle! Nice to see you, Mickey?
Rep. John Murtha: If I could say something here. Earlier, what I said about Western Pennsylvania being ignorant — I was misquoted. I meant more, “backward”. Your people out here just don’t understand the modern world. ‘Cause they’re uneducated, and they don’t have radios or that kind of thing. Also, they’re racists!
Sen. Joe Biden: Mark my words! If you take away nothing else from what I say here today, or, indeed, in this entire campaign, remember this: If Barack Obama is elected, we WILL have a crisis! And when this crisis hits — and it will! — in the second week of February, we may do some weird things. We may cede Florida back to Spain! Or Alaska to the Russians! We may blow up every nuclear power plant in the country! We may set fire to Washington D.C.! We may round up all French-Canadians. But don’t lose faith, it’s all part of a plan. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! There’s Pat Reardon, a great assistant D.A. here in Greene County! Pat, good to see ya, Pat!
Rep. John Murtha: If I could, I want to say one more thing about the people of Western Pennsylvania. Has anyone here ever seen a movie called “Deliverance”? No? [ he looks around awkwardly ] Never mind, then.
Sen. Joe Biden: I’m going to say something else now, and I want you to mark well the words that I say! The words that I say — and remember that I said them here today. In the second year of the Presidency of Barack Obama, a young child shall come from out of the North, from a city of steel! And this child shall rule for a time! But the child shall rule falsely! In deceit! By the trident of Neptune! What I have spoken is the TRUTH!!
Rep. John Murtha: Joe, do you think this “child” could be one of them Palin kids?
Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, be silent, come on! [ to the crowd ] Mark well, as I stand here today, the Time of Trouble shall last one year, one month, one day, one hour and one minute. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey Phil! How ya doin’, Phil? Phil Malloy, head of the Local Workers Steel! But at the appointed hour, the Time of Trouble shall end, and peace shall come to this land for one hundred years! The mouse shall bell the cat, the lamb shall lead the lion, the poor and ignorant shall know wisdom and plenty!
Rep. John Murtha: You hear that, Western Pennsylvania? That’ll be your time! What happens after the one hundred years?
Sen. Joe Biden: Beware the man with ONE sandal! He who is not of woman born! That is all I can reveal — the rest is classified!
Rep. John Murtha: Fair enough. You got that, people? Keep an eye out for a guy with one sandal, who’s maybe a robot, or a test-tube baby, or some kind of deal like that! But, if you spot him, don’t, you know, try to handle it yourself! Call the proper authorities!
Sen. Joe Biden: Gird your loins! By the beard of Jupiter, gird your loins!
Rep. John Murtha: I think my loins are okay. I was just at the doctor.
Sen. Joe Biden: Good, good. [ to the crowd ] As it has been spoken, so shall it come to pass! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Andy Brennan’s here! Hey, look at that, Andy Brenna! You know Andy Brennan…Andy.
[ dissolve to C-Span card ]
Announcer: We will now leave this event, and go to an Obama/Biden rally in Kansas City, Missouri, where former President Clinton is about to spend two hours recounting the achievements of his administration, before he forgets to mention the Democratic candidate.
[ dissolve back to Biden at the rally ]
Sen. Joe Biden: And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
