Beyonce: [ singing ] “If I were a boy even just for a day I’d roll out of bed in the morning and throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys and chase after girls I’d kick it with who I wanted and I’d never get confronted for it cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy I think I could understand How it feels to love a girl I swear I’d be a better man I’d listen to her Cause I know how it hurts When you lose the one you wanted Cause he’s taking you for granted And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy I would turn off my phone Tell everyone it’s broken so they’d think that I was sleeping alone
Id put myself first and make the rules as I go Cause I know that shell be faithful, waiting for me to come home, to come home.
If I were a boy I think I could understand How it feels to love a girl I swear I’d be a better man I’d listen to her Cause I know how it hurts When you lose the one you wanted Cause he’s taking you for granted And everything you had got destroyed
It’s a little too late for you to come back Say it’s just a mistake, think i’d forgive you like that If you thought I would wait for you you thought wrong
Man: You know when you act like that I dont think you realize how it makes me look or feel.
Beyonce: Act like what yo why you so jealous aint like im sleepin with tha guy — what?
Man: What… (laughs)
Beyonce: [ singing ] I said why you so jealous aint like I’m sleeping with the girl But you’re just a boy You don’t understand and you don’t understand, ohhhh How it feels to love a girl Someday you wish you were a better man You don’t listen to her You don’t care how it hurts Until you lose the one you wanted Cause you’re taking her for granted And everything you had got destroyed
Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is just — it is GREAT to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve just always loved this show, and there’s just been so much excitement around SNL this year because of this exciting, historic election! [ the audience cheers ] YES! And, now, I’m here — eleven days after the… election has ended, and… you know, I just don’t feel the heat. It’s a little bit, kind of, like, you know, being in Times Square on New Year’s, uh, day. [ the audience laughs ] Kind of after everyone’s gone home, and there’s… garbage on the ground.
Wait — no! Election or no election, this is SNL! You know? [ the audience cheers ] That’s right! Yes! Being here now is like winning an Oscar — uh, one of those technical Oscars that they give out at a hotel. But it’s STILL an Oscar! SNL is as GREAT as ever! [ the audience cheers ]
For instance, did you like Tina Fey as Sarah Palin? Huh? [ the audience cheers ] Pretty good, right? Well, if that’s the case, you are gonna LOVE Kristen Wiig as potential Attorney General, Arizona governor, Janet Napolitano!
Gov. Janet Napolitano: I’m potential Attorney General… Janet Napolitano! I grew up in Albuquerque!
Paul Rudd: Hey, Janet! What do you think we should do to, uh, border security legislation?
Gov. Janet Napolitano: Let’s REVAMP it!
[ Rudd tries to show his excitement, but the audience isn’t fully buying it, so Wiig makes her exit ]
Paul Rudd: Oh, well. It could be a little early on that one, but that is a GREAT Janet Napolitano. And, either way, I am jut so happy to be here ANY week of the year! It’s — it’s a dream come true. And I know everyone says that, but I really mean it. Plus, you never know, a certain President-elect might stop by! [ he glances off-screen ] What? No? Oh. Sorry.
But, anyway — look, we’ve got a great show! Beyonce is here. So, stick around, and we’ll be back!
Louis….Will Forte Jamie….Bill Hader Suicide Jumper aka Cornelius….Paul Rudd
(Opens with an emergency situation, sirens wail, police cars arrive. A suicide jumper is standing on a ledge ready to jump.)
Suicide Jumper: I´M GONNA JUMP! I SWEAR I´M GONNA DO IT!
(Cut to two rescue workers. Louis is older, he has a mustache and glasses. Jamie is younger and the rookie at the scene. They both look up at the ledge of the building and so does a small crowd of onlookers in the back.)
Jamie: He certainly seems resigned to jump off that building.
Louis: Indeed he does, indeed he does.
Jamie: Louis, give me a shot at this one.
Louis: No, Jamie. I think I better take it. One little rookie mistake and this guy is a Jackson Pollock painting all over the pavement. Watch and learn. (Over loudspeaker) Sir, what is your freaking problem?
Suicide Jumper: What´s my freaking problem?! I´ll tell you what my freaking´problem is! I lost all my money in the stock market and to top it off I found out my girlfriend is banging my psychic! And you know what the worst part is?! He predicted this was gonna happen! So “f” it! I´m gonna jump!
Louis:(to Jamie) Ah, looks like this is a sensitive case but don´t worry. I think I figure out the perfect strategy to talk him down. (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: No! I´m gonna do it! I´m gonna jump!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: I don´t have any reason to live anymore!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t !
Suicide Jumper: I´ve been with Carlie for 10 years!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: 10 years!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: What the hell am I gonna do now?!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: I got no money!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: I got no girlfriend!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: And now I´ve got to get another psychic too!
Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: Please, stop saying that!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: You´re making me feel like jumping even more!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t! (to Jamie) Ah, this is one nut I´m having a hard time cracking.
Jamie: Can I make a suggestion?
Louis: Suggest away.
Jamie: Try to build a rapport.
Louis: Oh, Jamie. Great idea! One freaking rapport coming up. (Over loudspeaker) Hey, what´s your name?
Suicide Jumper: I swear to God I will do this, man!
Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: I got nothing to live for!
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: Absolutely nothing….
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Suicide Jumper: Look, you say “don´t” one more time and I´m gonna jump off this building!
Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Do not!
Suicide Jumper: I´m gonna do it!
Louis: (to Jamie) Well, this one is a lost cause. Let´s clear a spot for him to jump and get our towels and cleaning supplies ready. (Over loudspeaker) Ok, let it rip!
Suicide Jumper: Fine. Here I go!
Jamie: You mind if I get a crack at this?
Louis:(Over loudspeaker) Ok, wait, wait, wait! Don´t, don´t! Do not! My partner here would like to practice on you a little.
Suicide Jumper: Practice?
Louis: (Over loudspeakers) Yeah, thanks for understanding. Just, you know, give him a minute or two and then whenever you feel like jumping, go for it. But can I ask you a favor that could help with our cleanup process? If you could just zip up your sweatshirt and put on your hood, it could really help us with splashback. (to Jamie) All right, take her home, newbie.
Jamie: I, I´m really nervous. (Over loudspeaker, meekly) Hey, Cornelius. My name is Jamie. How are you?
Suicide Jumper: I´m bad!
Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Why don´t you try to be good?
Suicide Jumper: What?!
Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Ah, you want to play some ping-pong?
Suicide Jumper: No!
Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Foosball?
Suicide Jumper: No!
Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Change your mind about the ping-pong?
Louis: (Over loudspeaker) Ok, just one more minute! Don´t, don´t. Do not! (to Jamie) Look, Jamie. You were doing great. Ok. Just speak from your heart.
Jamie: Ok, I´ll try. (Over loudspeaker) Look, Cornelius… I know how you feel cause I´ve been in your shoes. (Sentimental music) I was on a ledge about to jump and a very special man came into my life and he talked me down. He’s been my best friend ever since and I know he´s gonna hate me for saying this….
Louis: ( emotional) Don´t…
Jamie: No, Louis. I want you to know something.
Louis: Don´t.
Jamie: No, I need to say this.
Louis: Don´t.
Jamie: I love you.
Louis: Aww, I´m gonna cry.
Suicide Jumper: What the hell are you guys doing?!
Louis: Jamie, there´s something I want to tell you…
Suicide Jumper: I´M GONNA JUMP!
Louis and Jamie: (Over loudspeaker) Don´t!
Louis: Jamie, I just want you to know…
Jamie: (emotional) Don´t.
Louis: That you make me….
Jamie: Don´t.
Louis: Incredibly proud.
Suicide Jumper: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(Cornelius jumps to his death. Louis, Jamie and the crowd of onlookers follow the drop of Cornelius)
(Crash! The body lands on a car and the alarm goes off. Jamie takes his beeper out and turns it off.)
Jamie: Sorry, Louis. I let you down.
Louis: No way. At the end of the day our jobs is about one thing and one thing only. Getting them off the building. And that gentleman is off the building in a very real way.
Jamie: We did our jobs?
Louis: With flying colors. Ah, speaking of flying colors, he didn´t zip his sweatshirt. Splashback!
Paul Rudd: Aw, I want to say Thank You to Beyonce! And Justin Timberlake! Lorne Michaels, and the cast, and the crew! It’s been an amazing week! Thank you so much!
A Message from the Vice President-Elect of the United States
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Vice President-Elect title card ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the Vice President-Elect of the United States.
[ dissolve to Biden seated in study ]
Joe Biden: Good evening! Good evening! I’m Joe Biden. On November 4th, Americans went to the polls and made an historic choice for this country. And when Americans chose Barack Obama, they also got me, Joe Biden!
But now, I feel some of you are disappointed. Sure, it was an entertaining election, and no one was more entertaining than Sarah Palin. But I want to make you a promise: I can be as entertaining as Sarah Palin! I can be sassy. I can be unpredictable, and you bet your buttons that Joe Biden can be off message! The only thing I CAN’T do… is wink. [ he makes a lame attempt to wink, but is unable to do so ] Nothing. Nothing at all. But that is the ONLY difference. You don’t think I can give a train wreck interview to Katie Couric? Just name the TIME and the PLACE, and Joe Biden will bring the train. I am a WILD CARD!!
In the middle of a tough campaign, I guaranteed a MAJOR international crisis would occur if voters chose Obama. [ he smiles ] And that’s only a “2” on the Biden Blunder Scale. Yeah. And the Biden Blunder Scale goes to 100! [ he chuckles ] And when I say these things — these things I shouldn’t — people take me aside and say, “Joe! Joey! You gotta use your head before you say stuff like that.” And I look them in the eyes and I say, “Message received! I hear you loud and clear!” But here’s the good news: the message is NOT received! I barely hear them at all! I mean, I know they’re talking, but, to me, it just sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Just: “Joe, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah, mwaah…” [ he chuckles ]
So will I be as entertaining as Sarah Palin? You betcha! [ he makes another lame attempt to get a wink from his eye, but fails ] Unbelievable. I don’t know what’s going on up there.
So, look, here’s my promise to you, the American people: I will be a better vice president than Sarah Palin — just like I would be a better president than Barack Obama! WHOA!! WHOA!! What?! [ he chuckles ] That’s just — that’s just a “5” on the Biden Blunder Scale. Yeah? Only a “5”? Yeah! Yea-eah! And that’s just the tip of the Blunder-berg, people. [ he makes another lame attempt to wink his eye ] Let me go right here. No, not even right. I can’t get it going that way, either.
You know, in Delaware we have a joke: What’s the difference between a pit bull and Joe Biden? You can teach a pit bull to keep its mouth shut! [ he struggles to wink one eye, but instead manages to blink both eyes ] Yeah, that counts.
Alright — oh! And: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Fred: [ continues ] Just listen. Things are complicated right now… and we’re all good friends.
Bill: Totally, totally, totally, totally…
Paul: Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah…
Fred: You guys are like brothers to me.
Bill: Mmm-hmm.
Paul: Mmm-hmm.
Bill: Mmm-hmm.
Paul: Mmm-hmm.
Fred: So… I really like Tracey right now —
Paul: No. N-no, no, no, no…
Bill: No.
Fred: I love you guys —
Bill: Yeah!
Paul: Yeah!
Fred: And it’s hard for me —
Bill: Yeah!
Paul: Yeah!
Fred: And I don’t want our relationship to get in the way of our friendship.
Bill: No! no!
Paul: N-no, n-no, no, no!
Fred: We’re the brothers, you know? We’re the guys.
Bill: Come ooooonnnn!!
Fred: That’s the deal.
Paul: Definitely!
[ they finally stop talking and sip their coffees ]
Paul: So, I f–ked Tracey last night.
Bill: I f–ked her last night, too!
Fred: Waaaaiiittt…
Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…
Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…
Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…
Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…
[ their chatter overlaps one another, as time progresses and we see the Waitress fall asleep at her station, and eventually the guys exit the restauant still chattering ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 15th, 2008 Paul Rudd Beyonce None Justin Timberlake None
A Message from the Vice President-Elect of the United StatesSummary: Vice President-elect Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) promises that he can be just as entertaining as Sarah Palin was during the lead-up to the election. Recurring Characters: Jason Sudeikis. Transcript
Montage
Paul Rudd’s MonologueSummary: Paul Rudd promises with great uncertainty that SNL will be just as entertaining now as it was during the election. Transcript
SproingoSummary: The erectile dysfunction supplement that gives off amusing sound effects to let men know when it’s working. Transcript
VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Paul Rudd, Bill Hader) greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses.
Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmate Lorenzo McIntosh (Kean Thompson) tries to scare another trio of young punks (Paul Rudd, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight. Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Paul Rudd paint nude portraits of one another, then decide to auction off the results. They soon realize “Everyone’s a Critic” when the entire roomful of bidders react with extreme disgust. Transcript
Songwriters ShowcaseSummary: Husband-and-wife singer-songwriters Tom (Paul Rudd) and Tonya Peoples (Kristen Wiig) perform a droning variant of “Choctaw Ridge”. Transcript
Road TripSummary: Bar buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Paul Rudd, Will Forte, Bill Hader) wax nostalgic while listening to Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party” during a road trip. Recurring Characters: Buddies. Transcript
Beyonce performs “If I Were a Boy”First Performed: 02t. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Effeminate cartoon character Snagglepuss (Bobby Monihan) expresses his outrage over the votes cast against Proposition 8. Because he’s unable to host next week, Justin Timberlake provides a speedy rundown of how formulaic and unorignal his episode would have been anyway. Transcript
Beyonce VideoSummary: While filming her video for “Single Ladies”, Beyonce is vexed by three effeminate male dancers (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake, Bobby Moynihan).
Suicide JumperSummary: A pair of cops (Will Forte, Bill Hader) try to talk a suicidal man (Paul Rudd) off a ledge. Transcript
Beyonce performs “Single Ladies”
Proposition 8Summary: A pair of grease monkeys (Paul Rudd, Bill Hader) think a gay rights parade is stupid and decide to jokingly get married and move in together to demonstrate how silly it is. Transcript
Clearing the AirSummary: Three buddies (Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, Fred Armisen) who have dated the same girl make an attempt to clear the air of their predictament. Transcript
Announcer: And now, a message from the Staten Island Zoo.
[ cut to zoo office, Mark Potsic seated behind desk ]
Mark Potsic: Hey there, wildlife enthusiasts! My name is Mark Potsic, and today I’d like to talk about an animal we all know, but may now know much about: Giraffes! Sure, they have long necks and spots, but what do we really know about them? Luckily, we’ve just received a brand new documentary from a group of students at Staten Island Technical High School. Now, I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve been told it’s very insightful. Let’s check it out.
[ cut to documentary footage ]
Voiceover: One of the world’s most gentle and majestic creatures —
[ a heavy metal guitar riff kicks in, as cutouts of giraffes appear the screen. ]
Theme: “Giraffes! Giraffes! Giraffes! Giraffes!
We Sleep 2 Hours A Day, But We Don’t Fear The Reaper! We Eat From Trees, And Play Mine-Sweeper! We Weight 3 Tons, We Come From Outer Space! Sent Here To Destroy The Whole Human Race!
Giraffes! Giraffes! Giraffes! Giraffes!
Vampire Blood Runs Through Our Veins! Long Forked Tongues Wag, Driving You Insane! We Have Holding Camps, For When The Time Is Right! We Will Eat Your Brains, For Our Delight.
Giraffes! Giraffes! Giraffes! Giraffes!
There’s No Escape, We’ll Send You To F***ing Hell! Drinking Gasoline And Spitting Pure Fire, We Take To The Sky On A Leathery Wings Of A Bat!
Giraffes! F*** Hell Yeah!!! Giraffes!”
[ cut back to Mark Potsic at his desk. He is clearly shocked and disturbed by the video ]
Mark Potsic: I — I —
[ cut back to title slide ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the Staten Island Zoo.
…..Seth Meyers …..Sen. John McCain Dr. Patrick Kelly…..Will Forte Dr. Gunther Kelly…..Fred Armisen Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
As the presidential campaign draws to a close, John McCains campaign rallies have featured frequent appearances by Joe the Plumber. While Barack Obamas campaign is sticking with its mascot: “Joe the Bummer”. [ photo of Joe Biden ]
At a campaign rally on Thursday, Senator McCain called Joe the Plumber up to the stage, only to discover that he was not at the rally. In fairness to Joe the Plumber, he did say hed be there sometime between noon and 6 pm.
On Wednesday, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series in five games, defeating the Tampa Bay Rays in Major League Baseballs annual contest to determine whose city will be set on fire by drunks.
Archaeologists in Israel, digging at a site where David is believed to have slain Goliath, have discovered a shard of pottery with writing that may give credence to the biblical tale. So, catch the whole story on the next episode of “C.S.Oy”.
With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign strategy, Senator John McCain.
Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three days. And, while I’m confident that we will emerge victorious, I’m also considering a few radical last-minute strategies.
Seth Meyers: New strategies? Like what?
Sen. John McCain: Well, you know how people call me “The Maverick”?
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Sen. John McCain: Well — well, I thought I’d try a strategy called the “Reverse Maverick”. That’s where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don’t ask questions, I just go with the flow. If that doesn’t work, I go to the “Double Maverick”. That’s where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out! Even the regular mavericks!
Seth Meyers: That doesn’t sound like the best strategy.
Sen. John McCain: It isn’t. And here’s another bad one. It’s called “The Sad Grandpa”. [ audience applauds ] That’s where I get on stage and I go: “Come on, Obama’s gonna have PLENTY of chances to be President! It’s MY turn! Vote for ME!”
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I don’t know if I’d do that.
Sen. John McCain: Alright. Okay, then here’s a good one. It’s called “The Charleston”. That’s where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. I really lock it down. Meet every single resident three or four times. Or how about “The Forrest Gump”? That’s where I just start jogging across America, and eventually everything works out.
Seth Meyers: That might work… that might work.
Sen. John McCain: Or, maybe, “The Rocky IV”. I live alone in the wilderness, and pull a sled through the snow until I’m in peak physical condition.
Seth Meyers: How would that help you win an election?
Sen. John McCain: It won’t. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I’ll be ready!
Seth Meyers: Okay. Well, if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days, what would it be?
Sen. John McCain: Seth, my basic strategy is the one I’ve stuck with since I started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country.
Seth Meyers: And if that doesn’t work?
Sen. John McCain: [ thinking ] Probably the “Double Maverick”.
Seth Meyers: Senator John McCain, everyone!
While speaking at a campaign rally is western Pennsylvania, which is Pittsburgh Pirates territory, Sarah Palin was booed when she said that she was “thrilled to be here in the home state of the world champion Philadelphia Phillies.” Though, in fairness to Palin, shes not used to states with more than one city.
Phil Spectors retrial in the murder of actress Lana Clarkson began on Wednesday. Spector plead not guilty, while his hair plead insanity.
A new line of Italian wines based on the HBO hit series, “The Sopranos”, will be launched in the U.S. this Fall. Also in the works: “Entourage” brand douche bags.
Seth Meyers: With the election only days away, MILLIONS of people are getting ready to get out and exercise their right to vote. But, in a troubling turn of events, early voting has been marred by a slew of problems with the electronic voting machines used in many states. Here to comment are voting machine experts Drs. Patrick and Gunther Kelly.
Dr. Patrick Kelly: Thank you, Seth. Uhh — yes. There have been many problems with some of the voting machines. But people need not worry, because there are several safeguards in place to insure that your vote is counted properly.
Dr. Gunther Kelly: Yes. It’s actually a very complicated series of procedures, so we’ve written a song that helps explain exactly what happens in the event of a voting machine malfunction. It’s called “The Voting Machine Back-Up Procedural Information Song”.
Dr. Patrick Kelly: Pay attention!
[ an upbeat tempo plays in the background ]
Dr. Gunther Kelly: [ singing ] “Do do do do doooooo-ooooo-ooo. Do do do do doooooo-ooooo-ooo.” [ he continues in the background ]
Dr. Patrick Kelly: [ singing ] “Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh! Yaaaa-haaaa-aaaaahhh-aahhhhh! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! Ahhhh-aaaahhhh-aaahhhh!
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya Ya ya ya ya ya ya yaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!
Aaa-ahhhh! Yaaaa-aaaahhhhhhhh!
Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya Ya ya ya ya ya ya — ya!”
Seth Meyers: The Kelly Brothers, everyone! Thank you! Thank you very much.
A North Dakota man, whose name was drawn from a hat, pressed a button and demolished an historic bridge over the Missouri River this week. Unfortunately, the button was just supposed to simply light up a sign saying “Welcome to North Dakota.”
This Sunday, Daylight Savings Time ends. John McCain quickly condemned it as a redistribution of sunlight.
Seth Meyers: The new television season is in full swing. Here with some views, is Amy’s Aunt Linda.
Aunt Linda: [ annoyed ] I’ve been waiting over a half-hour! [ open-mouthed gape ]
Seth Meyers: So, it’s great news about Amy’s baby, huh? Have you seen him?
Aunt Linda: NO! Get this, Seth: they wouldn’t let me in the hospital because I had a RASH on my hands from using some Jergen’s lotion that had turned! [ open-mouthed gape ]
Seth Meyers: So, what do you think about the new Fall TV season?
Aunt Linda: I gotta say — the premise of these new shows STINK like a duck’s brown bottom! [ open-mouthed gape ] Let’s start with the most “realistic” one: “Life On Mars”. It’s about a man who gets hit by a car and wakes up in the 1970’s! [ trembling ] I… I… I thought it was about MARTIANS!! The whole thing is on EARTH! I didn’t know what’s happening! And the title! “Life On Mars”! They should call it “Crap On T.V.”! I give this one a big “Whaat?” and a “It Figures!”
The second show — and I use that word loosely — is “Knight Rider”. Here’s a character that draws me in: a man in a leather jacket who drives around solving crimes in a car that TALKS to him like a ROBOT!! Has anyone noticed this is a total rip-off of a show back in the 80’s starring David Hasselhoff?! It’s VERY similar! I give this show seven “Ghaaas?” and one-and-a-half “Yougottabe Frigginkiddingme!”
Seth Meyers: [ semi-amused ] Is there anything this season that you did like?
Aunt Linda: Wellll… I’m glad you asked — NO!! But if I had to watch something that wouldn’t rot my brain… “Californication”. Great storylines… realistic acting… and genitals.
Seth Meyers: Well! I did not expect that!
Aunt Linda: Well, I’m STILL a woman, Seth. [ she makes a face at him ]
Seth Meyers: Aunt Linda, everybody!
A plumber in Long Island, whose marriage fell apart after he told his wife that he was gay, admitted to police that he laced her coffee with cyanide because he could not bear to see her with anyone else. Which begs the question, are there any plumbers left who just unclog drains?
Gerard Damiano, the director of the pioneering porno film “Deep Throat”, died this week at the age of 80. “Deep Throat”, of course, is remembered, above all else, for being well directed. Per his request, Damiano will be buried a couple of inches deeper than everybody else.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
David Cook: [ singing ] “Never really said too much Afraid it wouldnt be enough Just try to keep my spirits up When theres no point in grieving Doesnt matter anyway Words could never make me stay Words will never take my place When you know Im leaving
Try to leave a light on when Im gone Something I rely on to get home One I can feel at night A naked light, a fire to keep me warm Try to leave a light on when Im gone Even in the daylight, shine on And when its late at night you can look inside You wont feel so alone
You know weve been down that road What seems a thousand times before My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons That roll out underneath my heels And you dont know how bad it feels To leave the only one that I have ever believed in
Try to leave a light on when Im gone Something I rely on to get home One I can feel at night A naked light, a fire to keep me warm Try to leave a light on when Im gone Even in the daylight, shine on And when its late at night you can look inside You wont feel so alone
Sometimes it feels like weve run out of luck When the signal keeps on breaking up When the wires cross in my brain Youll start my heart again When I come along
Try to leave a light on when Im gone Something I rely on to get home One I can feel at night A naked light, a fire to keep me warm Try to leave a light on when Im gone Even in the daylight, shine on And when its late at night you can look inside You wont feel so alone.”
Air Date:
