[ open on interior, party, Jeff and Anna standing at the center of the room as their friend, Rob, rolls forward in his wheelchair ]
Rob: Hey, uh – thanks again for inviting me tonight.
Jeff: We’re so glad you could make it, though, I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive.
Anna: Yeahhh! You’re single, right, Rob?
Rob: [sighs ] Is this some kind of set-up?
Anna: Ohh!
Jeff: You got us!
Anna: Look – I know these things are usually so obnoxious, but Jeff and I really think you and Jamie would hit it off.
Jeff: We think that you guys would find you have a lot in common.
Anna: Yeah. [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Jamie! Come over here!
[ Jamie enters the room, rolling up in a wheelchair off her own. She stops uncomfortably next to Rob’s wheelchair. ]
Anna: I knew it! Look how PERFECT they look together!
Jeff: A match made in Heaven!
Anna: We’ll leave you two alone – you probably have tons to talk about!
Jeff: TONS!
Anna: See ya’!
[ Jeff and Anna attempt to leave Rob and Jamie together, but Jamie speaks up ]
Jamie: Uh – Anna?
Rob: Yeah. Hold on a second, guys.
[ Jeff and Anna peek back into the scene ]
Anna: What?
Jeff: You need a witness for the wedding or something? [ laughs ] I was just kidding! I was just kidding!
Rob: [ he and Jamie smile condescendingly ] Yeah. No. uh – what exactly did you think the two of us.. would have in common?
Jamie: Yeah, what specifically was it?
Jeff: Ohh.. so many things —
Anna: So many! [ chuckles ]
Jeff: For one, you’ve got GREAT personalities.
Anna: Oh! SUCH great personalities!
Jeff: Yeah. Uh – your noble spirits.
Anna: Oh! SO noble.
Jamie: And?
Jeff: And.. that’s about it. Your great personalities, noble spirits!
Anna: Oh, my God! Are you two noble!
Rob: You think.. maybe.. it might have something to do with the fact that we’re both in wheelchairs?
Anna: WHAT?!!
Jeff: NO!!!
Anna: WHAT?!!
Jeff: NO!!!
Anna: I would never — we would NEVER! We just thought you two would be perfect for each other! I mean, when I first met you, Rob, I immediately thought of Jamie!
Jeff: I still always think of Rob whenever I see Jamie!
Anna: It’s almost difficult to separate the two of you in my mind!
Jamie: Maybe because of the wheelchairs?
Anna: WHAT?!!
Jeff: NOOO!!!
Anna: Jamie! You know I don’t see you in that way! When people say, “Which one is Jamie again?”, I mention your brown hair and your beautiful, sparkly eyes – I never ONCE mentioned the wheelchair!
Jeff: [ with mock sincerity ] Dude! I didn’t even know you were in a wheelchair.
Rob: [ perturbed ] How could you not KNOW that?!
Jeff: Well, forgive me for seeing people, and not.. [ struggling for the least offensive word ] disabilities!
Anna: Ah – handicaps.
Together: Han-di-cap-i-bil-i-ties!!
Anna: Look, we just thought you guys would hit it off, you know. Share common interests.
Jeff: Candlelit dinners, long walks on the b– [ realizes what he’s saying ]
Anna: Jeff.
Jeff: I mean — just the dinners! And then, talking all night long. Lots of stationary talking, and sitting!
Anna: Just enjoying each others’ seated company.
Jeff: [ kneels to Rob’s side ] I LOVE sitting! And YOU love sitting, dude! Okay, listen to me – I call you “Dude”, because I jut consider you a regular guy!
Rob: [ annoyed ] I AM a regular guy!!
Anna: [ screams ] HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!!
Jeff: [ jumps to his feet and grabs her shoulders ] ANNA!!
Anna: I’m sorry.. I got really into this..
Jamie: Guys, just – just stop. Look, I-I appreciate the effort, but.. I think I’m just gonna go get a drink.
Rob: Yeah. I’ll go with you. [ they wheel themselves away from Jeff and Anna ] So, where’d you get your chair?
Jamie: The hospital.
Rob: [ excited ] Me, too!
Jamie: Oh, you so get me!
[ they laugh as they wheel out of frame ]
[ Jeff and Anna are visibly pleased by this outcome ]
Presenter: And now I am truly honored to introduce the creator and star of NBCs hit show, The Apprentice, Mr. Donald Trump
Donald Trump: Good morning, Id like to thanks all you members of the press for being smart enough to be here today to hear me talking about the sixth and by far the best season of my smash-hit show and ratings bonanza, The Apprentice: Los Angeles . Heres how this thingss gonna go: were here to talk about this terrific show and not about my own going feud with Rosie O Donnel, who by the way is a low life and a loser, and thats all Im gonna say about that lump . Who has a question about The Apprentice, yes?
Reporter 1: Mr. Trump, how has it been working with you daughter Ivanka in this seasons Apprentice?
Donald Trump: Working with my daughter has been a huge joy for her, and I think we make a really champion-style team . Ill tell who will be a loser in any team, that sasquash Rosie ODonnel .. Next question, yes?
Reporter: yeah, how is doing the show in Los Angeles different from doing it in New York?
Donald Trump: Great question, working in L.A. has been fantastic cause Im further away from Rosie O Donnel who is a no-talent dipstick, and Im not talking about her, so lets drop it already and by her I mean Rosie O Donnel, who is a zero The Apprentice yes?
Debbie Kunsler: Mr Trump, Debbie Kunsler from Entertainment weekly . I mean, it seems like youre obsessed with this Rosie thing, are you still mad at her?
Donald Trump: Debbie I dont know how I can be any clearer, Im taking the high road here absolutely no questions about Jabba The Rosie . Lets keep this thing on track ok? Yes?
Reporter: Weve heard that in the new Apprentice the losers have to live in tents behind the match, how are they handling that?
Donald Trump: you know? Ill tell you one thing, these kids are handling things a lot better than that gargoyle Barbara Walters Barbara knows what she told me about Rosie and I quote: Rosie is such a pig, that if there were a planet where only pigs live, she would be the king, and the queen . Also her wife Kelly has one hell of a rack and thats a direct quote from Barbara Walters . Yes?
Debbie Kunsler: Mr. Trump, about Rosie O Donnel .
Donald Trump: Ok, alright, you know what? This press conference is over. I can assure you, this season of The Apprentice is going to be huge, and Rosie, I think we should act like grown-ups and heres how its gonna go, Im made of rubber, you are made glue, whatever you say bounces off me cause Im classy, and sticks to you cause youre ugly . Noni noni bu bu bubuuuuuuu .. The Apprentice!!!
The Shins: [singing] “Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth. Only, I don’t know how they got out, dear. Turn me back into the pet that I was when we met. I was happier then with no mind-set.
And if you’d ‘a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, Id ‘a jumped from my tree And Id a danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would ‘a fared well.
New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries. Hope it’s right when you die, old and bony. Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall, Never should have called But my head’s to the wall and Im lonely.
And if you’d ‘a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, Id ‘a jumped from my tree And Id a danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would ‘a fared well.
God speed all the bakers at dawn, may they all cut their thumbs, And bleed into their buns ’till they melt away.
I’m looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find. Without a trust or flaming fields, am I too dumb to refine? And if you’d ‘a took to me like Well, Id a danced like the queen of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would ‘a fared well.”
The Shins: [singing] “Frozen into coats, White girls of the North, Fire past one, fire the one, The are the fabled lambs, A Sunday ham, The ancient snow.
And they can float above the grass, In circles if they tried, A latent power I know they hide, To keep some hope alive, That a girl like her could ever try, Could ever try.
So we just skirt the hallway signs, A phantom and a fly, Follow the lines and wonder why There’s no connection.
And weakened falling eyes, In cheap shots from the tribe, And we’re often in Marcus’ porch again, Another afternoon with the gold head tunes, And pilfered booze.
We wandered through your mama’s house, And the milk from the window lights, Family portrait circa ninety-five, This is that foreign land, With the sprayed-on tans, And it all feels fine, Beat it circa slime.
So, when they tap our mundane heads, To zombie-walk in our stead, This town seems hardly worth the time, And we’ll no longer memorize or rhyme, To fall along in our crime, Stepping over what now towers to the sky, With no connection.
So, when they tap our mundane heads, To zombie-walk in our stead, This town seems hardly worth the time, And we’ll no longer memorize or rhyme, To fall along in our crime, Stepping over what now towers to the sky, With no connection.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. It is so good to be here. Hosting SNL has always been a dream of mine, so when they called and asked, I said, I would love to host on one condition: no Brokeback Mountain jokes. They said, no problem and here I am.
Jake glances to the left of the front row audience.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Im sorry, uh
Two COWBOYS, one smiling in a silk scarf and one stoic, are watching Jake. The rest of the audience chuckles hard.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I, uh I dont mean to be rude, but, um, uh, can I ask you a question?
Cowboy #1: Absolutely.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Are you guys gay cowboys?
Cowboy #1: No sir.
Cowboy #2: Just regular cowboys.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Ok. Thanks.
Cowboy #1: Oh, one last thing
Jake Gyllenhaal: Yeah.
Cowboy #1: Have a great show.
Cowboy #2: Real big fans.
Cowboy #2 winks at Jake.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I have to say that movie meant a lot to me and doing it opened me up to a unique fan base. And their support was amazing. So if you dont mind, Id really like to do something special for them. You know something the fans of Brokeback would love to see me do. I would like to perform a song from the movie Dreamgirls.
The cowboys applaud and brim with much enthusiasm. Jake starts to don a wig similar to Jennifer Hudsons character Effie from Dreamgirls.
Jake Gyllenhaal: At this point, uh, Effies just been kicked out of the band, and uh, shes also been told shes pregnant.
Jake removes his suit to reveal a black, sparkling cocktail gown.
Jake Gyllenhaal: So, uh, to all of you out there, I say [singing] And I am telling you Im not going. Youre the best man Ill ever know. Theres no way I can ever go, No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I’m living without you. Oh, I’m not living without you, Im not living without you
The cowboys are holding hands, cheerful, and swaying to the song.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] I dont want to be free
Jake makes his way to the cowboys, who grab him, and either caress his mouth or torso with their hands.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Tear down the mountains, Yell, scream and shout. You can say what you want, I’m not walking out. Stop all the rivers
Jake moves onto the right side of the front row audience. The first two rows are filled with homosexual cowboys. Jake slaps the knees of all the cowboys in the first row.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Push, strike, and kill. I’m not going to leave you, There’s no way I will
Jake returns to the center stage. Three BACK-UP SINGERS, all in red, sparkling, knee-length dresses and matching hairdos, are also on stage joining Jake in the torch song.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] No, no, no, no way, No, no, no, no way I’m living without you. Oh, I’m not living without you, I’m not living without you. I don’t want to be free. I’m staying, I’m staying, And you, and you, You’re going love me
The back-ups start swaying their backsides while curling up their fists. The two cowboys cant contain themselves.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Yes, ah, ooh, ooh, love me, Ooh, ooh, ooh, love me
The back-ups do a short, stomping routine and then tilt their heads down, joined side by side at the shoulders.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Love me, Love me, Love me, Love me. You’re going love me.
The back-ups tilt their heads up and extend their right arms out.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! We got a great show! The Shins are here. So stick around and well be right back!
Jake Gyllenhaal: Thanks to The Shins! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! The cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live!” This has been ABSOLUTELY unbelievable – you should try it sometime! Have a great night!
Lowell Kaplan…..Fred Armisen Jeffrey Liebowitz…..Jake Gyllenhaal Christopher Dolemite…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases filled with law books ]
Lowell Kaplan: It’s time that you found a law firm that cares!
Jeffrey Liebowitz: One that listens to you!
Christopher Dolemite: One that’s gonna break you off a settlement that’s sweet like bear meat!
[ cut to close-up of door to the trio’s law firm, their names underlined below an imprint of the scales of justice ]
Announcer: The lawyers at Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite aren’t like those other big firms – they’re just like YOU!
[ dissolve to photo of Kaplan standing in front of his parents’ townhouse in the suburbs ]
Lowell Kaplan. The son of working class parents from Yonkers —
[ dissolve to photo of Liebowitz standing in front of a public high school ]
Jeffrey Liebowitz. Educated in public high school —
[ dissolve to black-and-white childhood photo of Dolemite with three sexy babes and his Grandfather Dolemite ]
And Christopher Dolemite. Grandson of pimp, street poet, and blaxploitation legend, Dolemite —
[ dissolve back to Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases ]
— are ready to take on your case.
Lowell Kaplan: You want experience? I have over eight years’ service in the New Jersey Municipal Court System!
Christopher Dolemite: I swammed across muddy rivers and ain’t never got wet! I borned an elephant and dared her the mother! I can look up a bull’s ass and tell you the price of butter!
Jeffrey Liebowitz: And I have a degree from Yale Law School.
Christopher Dolemite: Yeah! so light up a joint, take up a doobie, and screw your wig on tight! ‘Cause WE’S the Law Dawgs that BITE!
[Opens with an outside shot of Juliano’s restaurant.Cut to inside, a young couple share a table]
Boyfriend: Wow, Pam I can’t believe we actually got reservations here.
Pam: This is supposed to be the coolest restaurant in the city.
Boyfriend: Yeah, and I even read that the food is cool.
Pam: What do you mean?
Boyfriend: You know, like, the food is supposed to be really cool.
Pam: Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever had cool food before.
Boyfriend: I know. Me neither.
[Waiter brings their plates.]
Waiter: For the lady our Chicken Parmesan and for yousir, the famous Spaghetti and Meatballs. Enjoy.
Pam: Huh.[disappointed]
Waiter: Is there a problem.
Pam: No, no. There’s no problem. Its just that this looks pretty normal.
Boyfriend: Yeah, this just looks like a regular plate of spaghetti and meatballs. I mean, I was kind of expecting something cooler.
Waiter: Look closer.
Boyfriend: I don’t see any—wait a second. Now I, nowI see![Close up on the plate of spaghetti the twomeatballs have dark shades on and are dancing to coolelectronic music] Oh, wow! Look at that! It really is cool!
Pam: Those are the coolest meatballs I’ve ever seen!
Boyfriend: I know! They’re wearing sunglasses. That is so cool!
[Smoke rises from Pam boyfriend’s plate]
Pam: Uh-oh, it looks like your meatballs are smoking.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean, they are actually smoking!
[Close up on the cool meatballs. They smoke theircigarettes without a care in the world]
Boyfriend: I didn’t think you could smoke in this restaurant.
Pam: Oh man, these meatballs don’t care. They’re so rebellious!
Boyfriend: I know! I don’t even know if I want to eatthem or ask them to make me a mix tape!
Pam: You know, I’m actually getting really hungry. Ithink I’m going to have to start eating at some point.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I guess we really should eat.
Pam: Hey, where did my chicken parm go?
Boyfriend: I think I found it.
[Close up reveals that the cool Chicken Parmesan havejoined the cool Meatballs. Cool Meatball 1 plays thekeyboard guitar, Cool Meatball 2 plays the saxophone.Cool Chicken Parmesan plays the tambourine]
Pam: Well, this is just getting ridiculous.
Boyfriend: Yeah, ridiculously cool!!
Pam: I guess but what am I supposed to eat?
Boyfriend: You know, just have one of my meatballs. I have two.
Pam: Are you sure?
Boyfriend: Yeah, do it. The little guys have to eaten.I mean, we have to eat, right?
Pam: Right, ok, here I go.
[Close-up on plate, big fork impales the Cool Meatball2 on the side. Cool Meatball 2 with the sax screams inhorror and pain. Cool Meatball 1 and Cool ChickenParmesan are terrified]
Cool Meatball 2: Nooo!!!!
Cool Meatball 1: Aaaaahhh!!!!
Cool Chicken Parmesan: Oh, God!!!
[Pam eats the meatball and pulls out of her mouth a tiny saxophone]
Pam: Oh, look! A little saxophone! How cute!
Boyfriend: Man, this food is the coolest!
Pam: I know. I hope they’re not too upset about losing their friend.
[Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan are bummedout but they start dancing to the cool electronic music]
Boyfriend: They’re ok.
Pam: Oh, good.
Boyfriend: Hey, you know what we should do?
Pam: What’s that?
Boyfriend: We should stop doing mushrooms and going to restaurants.
Pam: Why?
[Close-up on Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan dancing]
A Special Message From the President of the United States
President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Presidential seal ]
Announcer: The following is a special address by the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President George W. Bush standing alone in a room at the White House ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. Three nights ago, I spoke to you about a new strategy for victory in Iraq. A strategy that involved.. a troop surge. The temporary committment of an additional 21,000 U.S. military personnel. From what I’ve been told, the plan was very well-received. Most people thought it was a fantastic plan, and would work beautifully if given a chance. Of course, the plan had its critics as well. Some, whothink the solution is to cut and run, oppose deployment of any additional troops to Iraq. Others argue that the troop surge is too small. That 21,000 is not enough to get the job done. And that this plan amounts to a “doubling down” on a bad hand. Upon reflection, I believe these critics are right: 21,000 additional troops is not enough. And, with the very survival of our way of life at stake, this is not a time to merely “double down.” It’s a time to go “all in.”
Accordingly, as Commander-in-Chief, I’m ordering the immediate deployment to Iraq of ALL U.S. military personnel. Whether active duty, or reserve. Including: Army, Marine Corps, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard, Merchant Marine, and shore patrol. Every single man or woman currently serving in any branch of our armed forces.
In additional, I will use my authority to send to Iraq all other uniformed personnel residing in the U.S., who have training with firearms. Policemen, Corrections Officers, U.S. Marshalls, FBI agents, private security guards, Civil War re-enactors, and, of ocurse, astronauts. And our nation’s armed criminal element will have a role as well. The Crips. The Bloods. MS-13, and the Jamaican drug posses, have all been asked to do their part in Iraq, and I have no doubt they will answer their country’s call. For this is every American’s fight. And, if you wear a uniform, and regularly carry a gun, we need you in Iraq. whether you’re a New Jersey state trooper – or Allen Iverson.
And yet, vast as this force will be, it may not be enough to secure victory. That is why I’ve asked from Congress – and expect to receive – authority to draft other Americans in uniform for service in Iraq. Who are these other Americans? In short, they’re our country’s true strength. Its forgotten heroes. Though they, too, wear a uniform, we don’t usually think of them as defending our freedom. But they do. Everyday. I’m talking about America’s firemen, mailmen, park rangers, uniformed sanitation workers, doormen, train conductors, toll booth operators, zookeepers, nursing home attendants, bartenders, Catholic schoolgirls, casino croupiers, limo drivers, shriners, pizza delivery men, exterminators, valet parkers, Explorer Scouts, cleaning ladies, and Century 21 agents. After six weeks of military training, these will join the other troops in Iraq, bringing our total force in that region by Summer to nearly 75 million. Three times the population of the country, and twelve times that of Baghdad. If a force that size can’t do the job, well.. we can always add more! [ laughs ]
Critics of this plan will no doubt cite logistical concerns. “How will such a large force be deployed to Iraq?” Well.. surely with a force that size, some kind of discount – or charter fare – would be available. “How would that many troops be fed and housed?” My answer: there are any number of private firms that could handle the job. Personally, I recommend a company called Halliburton. And, finaly, “With nearly every able-bodied American, aged 16 through 60, serving in Iraq, who would be left to defend our homeland from attack?” That one’s easy. The same people who have been doing it for nearly one-hundred years: the men and women of the Texas Air National Guard.
Thank you. And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
[Open with a dilapidated Bronx building.Theme music playing. Camera pans back and it shows the TV studio for Bronx Beat. Betty and Jodi are sitting down chewing gum. They are having a conversation already. They have strong New York accents.]
Betty Caruso: We’re on? All right. Hello.
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: Hello. Welcome to our show. This is Bronx Beat. I am Betty Caruso, she’s Jodi Dietz.
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: You know what? I’m already exhausted.
Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it.
Betty Caruso: I’m so exhausted. Why do we say we gotta do this show? We don’t have time.
Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it. I gotta take my daughters to school and the other one with the extra class, she’s got to be there at 6:30 in the morning. I don’t got enough going on? My morning is like a triathlon. With swimming, running, jumping.
Betty Caruso: What are they? Horses?
Jodi Dietz: I know. Its ridiculous!
Betty Caruso: Are they horses or kids? Its too much. Enough. No, thank you. Really!
Jodi Dietz: Seriously.
Betty Caruso: Beat it!
Jodi Dietz: What’s in the news?
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! the weather here—
Jodi Dietz: Ugh, its 70 degrees outside in New York.
Betty Caruso: Its nuts!
Jodi Dietz: Its nuts! What is that?
Betty Caruso: What’s wrong with it? The whole world is gonna blow up, I swear!
Jodi Dietz: Its true. My mother gave me the most beautiful leather coat on my birthday. You know how many times I’ve worn it this year? O.00.
Betty Caruso: Its bananas! The whole world is bananas. You know what I say? Live your life cause the world is gonna blow up!
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, have a glass of wine.
Betty Caruso: Have 2 glasses of wine, have 10 glasses of wine. What do I care? What am I? The police or something? You know what I say? Smoke ’em if you got ’em.
Jodi Dietz: Smoke’em if you got ’em. All right. Let’s introduce our guest.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! The guest–
Jodi Dietz: I know. Tell me about it.
Betty Caruso: All right. Here we go.
Jodi Dietz: Here we go. Buckle up.
[Betty picks up an index card]
Betty Caruso: All right. I can’t read this. This is chicken scratch. Who wrote this?
Jodi Dietz: It’s mine. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.
Betty Caruso: You have terrible penmanship.
Jodi Dietz: Its my eyes.
Betty Caruso: Well, you tried the best you can. All right, here we go. Let’s just bring him on, ok? Bring him on.
Jodi Dietz: He’ll tell us his name. Come on out, come on out. Have a seat.
[Theme music plays. A handsome, athletic dude with a book sits next to them]
Betty Caruso: Sit down.
Jodi Dietz: What’s your name?
Frank O’Connor: Hello. I’m Frank O’Connor.
Betty Caruso: Oh my God! Look at him! He’s gorgeous.
Jodi Dietz: He’s gorgeous. Look at that face.
Betty Caruso: Love him. He’s adorable, adorable face.
Jodi Dietz: So you wrote a book, sweetheart?
Frank O’Connor: Yes.
Betty Caruso: So adorable. Look at his face. I’m loving his face.
Jodi Dietz: Those eyes!
Betty Caruso: What are you? Part Indian?
Jodi Dietz: You Cherokee?
Betty Caruso: Look at those cheekbones. What are you? Sioux? You Sioux? You got Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Chippewa?
Betty Caruso: Got a little Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: What are you? Apache?
Jodi Dietz: You Mohegan?
Betty and Jodi Dietz: Mohegan?!
Betty Caruso: Yeah, when you go out gambling do you go to Mohegan or Fox woods? What are you? Tell us.
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: You got Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: Sioux?
Frank O’Connor: Uh, well, I’m Irish-Italian.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! Temper, temper.
Jodi Dietz: That’s a terrible mix.
Betty Caruso: Not features-wise, obviously, not features-wise but temperament, no. Terrible bargain.
Jodi Dietz: Tell us what your book is about, sweetheart.
Frank O’Connor: It’s a guide to the best mountain-biking trails in the United States.
Betty Caruso: Uh-huh.
[Betty and Jodi don’t give a crap about the book]
Betty Caruso: Let me ask you something, Frank. You married?
Frank O’Connor: Well, I have a girlfriend.
Jodi Dietz: Why haven’t you asked your girlfriend to marry you?
Betty Caruso: You know what? Don’t get married. Listen to us. Don’t get married, the minute you do your life is over, over!
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. You know what? My husband, I want to kill him. I want to strangle him while he’s asleep. I want to kill him. But you know what? [voice breaking] I love him. He’s the love of my life.
Betty Caruso: Here we go with the waterworks.
Jodi Dietz: He gave me my two daughters. What am I gonna do?
Betty Caruso: So emotional these days!
Jodi Dietz: Its true. Can’t help it. Gave me the 2 daughters. I would die without him.
Betty Caruso: You know what, Frank? Do whatever you want. What am I? An expert?
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Don’t listen to us.
Betty Caruso: So, your book. You like to ride bikes?
Frank O’Connor: Yes. I traveled all over the country and found the best trails and rated them according to difficulty and size and—
Jodi Dietz: Uh-huh, you know how many times I had sex last year, Frankie? 0.00 times. It was my choice. This area [her crotch] it’s got the Ghostbusters thing over it. No one’s allowed in there.
Betty Caruso: No trespassing.
Jodi Dietz: No trespassing. Closed for business. You know that red circle with the line? That Ghostbusters thing? It’s my choice.
Betty Caruso: You know what? When my husband wants to get sexy, you know what I say to him? Go look at a picture of Angelina Jolie.
Jodi Dietz: Ugh, take a hike, that one.
Betty Caruso: God, that one.
Jodi Dietz: Give me a break.
Betty Caruso: Always talking. So dumb.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, I had enough.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God. Enough of her.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, please.[to Frank] Oh, so, thank you very much.
Betty Caruso: Good luck with your book, Frank. Bye-bye.
Jodi Dietz: Bye-bye.
Frank O’Connor: Um, ok, uh, thanks.[leaves]
Jodi Dietz: He’s adorable. Delicious.
Betty Caruso: Nice, kind eyes.
Jodi Dietz: You can say that again.
Betty Caruso: Very kind eyes.
Jodi Dietz: God bless him and God bless that book.
Betty Caruso: I loved him. He was a doll. All right, now we have to take a call. How does this work?
[Looks at the telephone for the speaker]
Jodi Dietz: Oh, please. I have no idea. This thing drives me nuts. It’s too complex.
Betty Caruso: Its like starship enterprise over here.
Jodi Dietz: Press that. That thing.
[Betty presses a button on the phone]
Betty Caruso: Here we go. Hello?
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: Caller?
[Voice from the speakerphone]
DeeDee: Hi, girls!
Jodi Dietz: Hi, Deedee.
Betty Caruso: Hi, Deedee. How cute was he?
Jodi Dietz: How cute was he?
DeeDee: What?!
Jodi Dietz: Can you hear us Deedee?
Betty Caruso: God, the speakerphone is junk!
DeeDee: I’m at Shop Rite. The lines are huge!
Jodi Dietz: Deedee, hello? Can you hear us?
DeeDee: I can’t find one cashew in the whole store!
Betty Caruso: You know what? Hang it up.
DeeDee: Does Ocean Spray have carbs?
Betty Caruso: Hang up, hang up. She’s gonna start swearing! Hang up the phone.
Jodi Dietz: She drives me nuts.
Betty Caruso: What is she doing looking for a cashew?
Jodi Dietz: Good-bye, Deedee. I’m hanging up.
[Call ends]
Betty Caruso: Why is she at Shop Rite?
Jodi Dietz: I don’t know. She drives me nuts. You know who I miss? That kid.
Betty Caruso: Oh, Frankie.
Jodi Dietz: Frankie, let’s get him back here.
Betty Caruso: God, he’s adorable.
Jodi Dietz: Where is he?[to someone off camera]Jenna, where is he?
Betty Caruso: Jenna, where is he?
Jodi Dietz: He’s in the bathroom? Get him back out here.
Betty Caruso: What is he? The King of England? Knock on the door. Get him back out here.
Jodi Dietz: Knock on the door.
[Frank joins them again]
Frank O’Connor: Should I bring my book?
Jodi Dietz: No. Just sit, honey. You’re adorable. Have a seat. Look at you.
Betty Caruso: Tell me something, Frankie. What are you? A Leo?
Jodi Dietz: You know why? He’s a good boy. You know why? ‘Cause he’s good to his mother. He’s got a nice smile. You love your mother don’t you, Frankie?
[Frank smiles]
Jodi Dietz: Look at the mouth! Look at the corner of the mouth! His eyes light up.
Betty Caruso: He’s adorable, love you. All right, tell us about your book.
Frank O’Connor: Well, I’ve been riding for years and I–
Betty Caruso: By the way, did you smell that weird smell in the city the other day?
Jodi Dietz: Weird!
Betty Caruso: The whole city smelled like garbage.
Jodi Dietz: What was that? You know what it smelled like? The city smelled like a pickle. You know, it smelled like when you cook fish in the house.
Betty Caruso: Oh, you know what? When my husband brings in fish into the house I say “go have your other wife cook it”.
[Theme music plays]
Jodi Dietz: Exactly.
Betty Caruso: Go have Angelina Jolie cook it. That one drives me nuts.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, she’s nuts.
Betty Caruso: She’s absolutely bananas.
Jodi Dietz: You’re adorable. How old are you?
Betty Caruso: How old are you?
Frank O’Connor: I, uh, what? I’m a Gemini…
[Bronx Beat with Betty and Jodi logo appears. They continue talking to Frank]
(2001)
(2007)
