Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 13th, 2007

Jake Gyllenhaal

The Shins

None

None
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) makes the case for deploying even more troops into Baghdad, from esteemed military personnel to park rangers and mailmen.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Jake Gyllenhaal’s MonologueSummary: To appease fans of “Brokeback Mountain”, Jake Gyllenhaal dons drag clothing and sings a tune from “Dreamgirls.”

Bio: Jake Gyllenhaal (1980-). Actor; son of director Stephen Gyllenhaal and screenwriter Naomi Foner, and brother of actress Maggie Gyllenhaal; film debut as Billy Crystal’s son in “City Slickers” (1991); later film credits include “Bubble Boy” (2001), “Brokeback Mountain” (2004), “Jarhead” (2005), “Zodiac” (2007).

Transcript

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) and co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg) dish out more of the club music scene.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter about what’s happening in New York this week and make googly-eyes with young author, Frank O’Connor (Jake Gyllenhaal).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.

Transcript

Donald Trump Press ConferenceSummary: Despite his requests to hold a press conference for “The Apprentice: Los Angeles” without taking questions about Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) keeps dropping her name anyway.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript

Cool RestaurantSummary: A couple (Jake Gyllenhaal, Kristen Wiig) on a date are excited about to be dining at the coolest restaurant in town, where even the meatballs (Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen) are so cool that they smoke and play musical instruments.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg return to Lorne Michaels’ office to show off their new and improved homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats 2!”, which is barely any different from their first “Laser Cats!” film.

Stock Footage AwardsSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) and Jane Pauley (Kristen Wiig) distribute awards for the best video stock footage to appear in news stories during the past year.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Jane Pauley.

The Shins perform “Phantom Limb”Bio: Indie rock group based out of Portland, Oregon; members: James Russell Mercer, Martin Crandall, Dave Hernandez, Jesse Sandoval, and Eric Johnson.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces the ridiculous capabilities of the new iPhone and plugs “The Office.” Strapped-for-cash Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) announces that she is auctioning off her belongings.

Recurring Characters: Steve Jobs, Whitney Houston.

“Law & Order” Master ClassSummary: Actress Catherine Fontaine (Amy Poehler) teaches a workshop for actors who strive to land a three-line role on any of the “Law & Order” programs.

Transcript

Wheelchair DatesSummary: Jeff (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Anna (Maya Rudolph) claim that they’ve tried to set up Rob (Jason Sudeikis) with Jamie (Kristen Wiig) because they have so much in common, not because they’re both confined to wheelchairs.

Transcript

The Shins perform “New Slang”Lyrics

Kaplan, Leibowitz & DolemiteSummary: Lowell Kaplan (Fred Armisen), Jeffrey Leibowitz (Jake Gyllenhaal) & Christopher Dolemite (Kenan Thompson) are small-scale lawyers who are just like you.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Gunther MountainSummary: Snow blowers keep the mountain open year round for skiing.

Are They Crazy?Summary: Contestants are challenged to guess whether or not people truly are crazy.

Siamese TwinsSummary: A pair of Siamese Twins (Will Forte, Dane Cook) teach a class.

Note: This sketch was previously cut from the season premiere with Dane Cook.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.

The DVDSummary: Co-workers ponder the ownership of a “Beetlejuice” DVD left lying around.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9


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06i: Justin Timberlake

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Lou Dobbs…..Darrell Hammond
Gay Guy from New Jersey…..Fred Armisen
Vinnie…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonigt’s top stories:

On Monday, President Bush sought advice on Iraq from senior State Department officials, historians, and former generals. When the President asked why everyone was so quiet, an aide informed him that he was actually standing next to the White House nativity scene.

Muhammad Yunus, a Bangladeshi economist, accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on Sunday for his program to help the poor through tiny loans. Or as it’s called in this country: stripping.

Seth Meyers: On Friday, The Defense Department saluted exiting Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld with a full honor review by the armed forces, and speeches of gratitude from George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Osama bin Laden.

On Sunday, Reverend Paul Barnes, the pastor of a Denver mega-church, resigned after confessing to having sex with men, saying that he had often begged God to end his homosexual urges. Unfortunately, God just kept introducing him to hotter and hotter dudes.

Amy Poehler: That’s how it goes. On Tuesday, Immigration and Customs enforcement agents rounded up hundreds of immigrant workers at six Swift and Co. food processing plants, as part of a vast identify theft investigation. Here to offer his take on the siutation — from CNN’s “Lou Dobbs Tonight”, Lou Dobbs.

Lou Dobbs: Seth, Amy? Thanks for having me. While I applaud Immigration and Customs enforcement for this latest round, I think it only underscores the fact that our nation’s borders are broken. These are undocumented, illegal workers with direct access to our country’s vulnerable food supply. Meanwhile, the cause of the recent E. Coli outbreak at Taco Bell restaurants is still unknown. And, you know, Amy — people accuse me all the time of being anti-Mexican but all I’m saying is that, this week, if you ate a taco, you could’ve died. That is just a fact. But do the fat cats in Washington have a solution? Nothing that I’ve heard about.

Now I know there are a lot of naysayers out there who say that a 700-mile long wall between our country and Mexico is a waste of time and money that won’t stop anyone from crossing our borders. To that I say, why not build a second 700-mile long wall? Once the immigrants cross over a first wall, they’ll surely be crest-fallen to see another wall staring in their face. Then, put up a sign that says: “Wall #2 of 50.” We don’t have to build another 48 walls, as illegals will have to assume that any government insane enough to build two 700-mile long walls may JUST HAVE.. built 48 more. Now, I see you saying, “Lou, these Mexicans have shown time and time again that they have an unbreakable resolve to get into this great country of ours.. which is why I say, in the space between the two walls, we should build a 700-mile long trap door. Leading to a 700-mile long slide that will take the illegals right back to where they started.. in Mexico. It’s called a workable solution, and I just think there’s altogether too few of them coming out of Washington these days.

Amy Poehler: I agree. Thank you. Lou Dobbs, everybody.

Seth Meyers: Elizabeth “Lizzie” Bolden, the world’s oldest person, died Monday in a Memphis nursing home at the age of 116. Man, it’s like that title, “World’s Oldest Person”, is cursed or something.

Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, “Did we catch him?”

Amy Poehler: [ Chanukah slide with menorah ] Friday night marked the first night of the War on Christmas.

President George W. Bush said this week that he believes Vice President Dick Cheney’s pregnant lesbian daughter Mary will make a “fine mom.” And then he then threw up a little bit in his mouth.

In an interview with Congressional Quarterly, Representative Silvestre Reyes, the incoming chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, did not know the difference between Sunni and Shiite Muslims. To which everyone else in Congress said, “Oh my God, I’m so glad you said that! I thought I was the only one!”

Seth Meyers: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is reporting that the number of people infected with E. Coli poisoning from Taco Bell is now at 71, thanks in large part to the new Xitlupa.

Authorities in India plan to release 47 leopards into the wild with electromagnetic chips planted in their tails, but will haul them back to captivity if they attack people. [ presses finger to receiver in his ear ] Annnnnnd.. they’ve just been hauled back in for attacking people.

Authorities have ordered Amish families in western New York state to stop employing their teenage children in sawmilling, woodworking and construction work. Upon hearing the news, one outraged Amish man fired off an angry response. But it didn’t get very far, as his Blackberry is an actual blackberry.

Amy Poehler: Blackberries! [ chuckles ]

The Golden State Fence Company, which built part of the border fence between California and Mexico, pleaded guilty in federal court on Thursday to hiring illegal workers. Proving that illegal immigrants are doing the jobs Americans won’t do to keep Mexicans from taking the jobs that Americans won’t do.

Seth Meyers: New Jersey legislature voted on Thursday to make New Jersey the third state in the nation to recognize civil unions for same-sex couples. Here to comment is.. the gay couple from New Jersey.

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohhh!!

Vinnie: Ohhh!!

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Hello, Seth and Amy.

Vinnie: [ grabs Gay Guy’s hand ] Look at him — he’s completely CI-VIL!! Ohhh!!

Together: Ohhhhhhh!!!!

Seth Meyers: Ah, just to clarify — the ruling recognizes civil unions, and not actual marriages. Is that correct?

Gay Guy from New Jersey: That’s RIGHT! New Jersey’s establishing the parallel institution of civil unions, joining Connecticut and Vermont!

Vinnie: What’s nice about New Jersey is that it’s not as gay as those OTHER two states! If you know what I mean!

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Yeah! [ holds his hands up to his head ] “I’m from Ver-monnnt!”

Vinnie: [ makes Vermont-gat motions ]

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Come on! Come on!

Seth Meyers: So.. what are you guys gonna give each other for Christmas?

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Well.. I don’t know what he wants.. but he’s gonna get a nice cashmere robe. He walks around our apartment like it’s a NUDE BEACH!

Vinnie: You like it!

Gay Guy from New Jersey: [ whispers ] Like it? I love it!

Vinnie: Ohhhh!!

Together: Ohhhhh!!!

Seth Meyers: Well, what — what would you like for a present?

Vinnie: Well, my eye’s on a meat freezer that’s big enough to store an ANIMAL! Say a deer, or a small bear that doesn’t pay off his loans.

Seth Meyers: And, what about you?

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Have you not been listenin’, Seth? Huh?! [ wraps his hands around Vinnie’s face ] I get to spend the rest of my life with this beautiful sonofabitch! My Christmas wishes have already come true.

Vinnie: [ straightens up ] Oh.

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Oh.

Seth Meyers: Uh —

Vinnie: [ holds mistletoe over his head ] Over here? [ grins laciviously as he chews his gum, points to himself ]

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohh!

Vinnie: [ lowers the mistletoe to his chest ] Over here?

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Oh!

Vinnie: [ lowers it below the desk ] Over here?

Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohhhh!

Vinnie: Ohhhh!

Seth Meyers: Ohhhh! The gay couple from New Jersey, everyone! Great job.

Amy Poehler: On Monday night, Senator Barack Obama introduced the Monday Night Football game between the Chicago Bears and St. Louis Rams. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton had three sacks and a fumble recovery.

Mattel said that sales of Barbies this year are up for the first time in several years, thanks in part to America’s renewed interest in hairless vaginas!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9







Saturday Night Live –
Dick in a Box T-ShirtBuy at AllPosters.com

06i: Justin Timberlake

An SNL Digital Short: Dick in a Box

Singer 1…..Andy Samberg
Singer 2…..Justin Timberlake

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to Singer 1 sharing a tender, romantic moment with his lady in front of a crisp fire ]

[ the video cuts back and forth between this scene and both singers strutting their hardcore R&B moves in various locations – in a park, on a basketball court, on a ferry, etc. ]

Singer 1:
“Hey, girl. I got something real important to give you.
So, just sit down.. and listen:

Girl, you know we been together, such a long, long time.”

Singer 2: “Such a long time.”

Singer 1: “And now I’m ready, to lay it on the li-ine.”

Singer 2: “Wow, you know it’s Christmas, and my heart is open wide
Gonna give you something, so you know what’s on my mind.”

Singer 1: “A gift real special, so take off the top.”

Singer 2: “Take a look inside, it’s my dick in a box.”

[ introduce various cuts of the duo posing with gift boxes attached to their crotches ]

Together:
“Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don’t mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl, you gotta know you’re my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs something real
I want to get you something from the heart
Something special, girl

It’s my dick in a box!
In a box, baby.
It’s my dick in a box!
My dick in a box, girl.

See, I’m wise enough to know when a gift needs giving, girl
And I’ve got just the one
I’m gonna show you that you are second to none.

All the fellas out there, with ladies to impress
It’s easy to do, just follow these steps:

1. Cut a hole in a box.

2. Put your junk in that box.

3. Make her open the box.

And that’s the way you do it.

It’s my dick in a box!
My dick in a box, baby.
It’s my dick in a box!
Oo-oo-ooh, my dick in a box, girl.”

Singer 1: “Christmas.”

Singer 2: “A dick in a box.”

Singer 1: “Hanukkah.”

Singer 2: “A dick in a box.”

Singer 1: “Kwanzaa.”

Singer 2:
“A dick in a box.
Every single holiday, a dick in a box.
Over at your parents house, a dick in a box
Meat Day at the grocery store, a dick in a box.
Backstage at the CMAs, a dick in a bo-o-o-o-o-xxxx
Yeah, yeah, yeah..”

[ by now, the duo has been arrested, handcuffed and placed in the back of a police car for indecent exposure ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

“Santa’s My Boyfriend”

…..Amy Poehler
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph decorating a Christmas tree ]

Amy Poehler: Well, it’s the last show before Christmas, girls.

Kristen Wiig: How are you guys gonna spend the holidays?

Maya Rudolph: My holiday’s gonna be super-special this year.

Amy & Kristen: [ they laugh ] Do tell!!

[ up-tempo piano music pots up ]

Maya Rudolph: I’m spending it with my new guy.

Amy Poehler: So am I!

Kristen Wiig: Me, too!

Maya Rudolph: What’s he like?

Amy Poehler: Well.. I’ll tell you!

[ the three of them step away from the tree to the front of the stage, as a curtain closes behind them ]

Amy Poehler: [ singing ]
“I’ve got a new man this holidaySomeone who won’t let me down.”

Kristen Wiig:
“A guy whose eyes always sparkle
A man who can show you the town.”

Maya Rudolph:
“My boyfriend knows when I’m sleeping
He always treats me right.”

Together:
“He knows if I’ve been bad or good
But when I’m naughty, he thinks it’s nice.

Santa’s my boyfriend
Oh yes, Santa’s the one that I love.”

Maya Rudolph:
“I believe he’s real, because I can still feel
The touch of his furry white glove.”

[ the three of them touch their right hands to their faces ]

Together: Ahhhhh!!

“Santa’s my boyfriend
Oh, I’ve never been in love like this.”

Maya Rudolph: “When he comes down my chimney –“

Kristen Wiig: “I get weak in the knees –“

Amy Poehler: “Because it’s his kiss that’s first on my list!”

[ they point their fingers toward the camera ]

Amy Poehler: I like it when we jump in a sleigh, and he takes me to the north Pole!

Kristen & Maya: Ain’t he the greatest!!

Kristen Wiig: He told me that he loves the taste of my milk and cookies!

Amy & Maya: [ excited ] He told me the same thing!!

Maya Rudolph: When everybody else is putting up their stockings, he’s taking mine down!

[ the three of them giggle playfully ]

Together: You get the picture!!

“Santa’s my boyfriend
He keeps me warm in the cold winter snow.”

Kristen Wiig: “He’s jolly and kind –“

Amy Poehler:
“And I don’t even mind
When he sees me and shouts:

Together: ‘Ho, ho, ho!’

Santa’s my boyfriend!
And we’ll have a wonderful life
I can’t wait for the time, when he’ll truly be mine
And he’ll leave his bitch of a wife!”

Amy Poehler: He’s gonna leave her, right?

Kristen Wiig: Of course he’s gonna leave her – he promised!

Maya Rudfolph: They always promise, and it usually works out, right?

[ they giggle with uncertainty, the music stops ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Oh, liiiiiiiiiiive.
Oh, liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive from New Yorrrrrrrrrrrrrk.. it’s Sat-ur-day.. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake performs “My Love”

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Justin Timberlake

Jimmy Fallon: (with British accent) Once again – Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: 1, 2, 3 4.

“Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
Why your love went away
I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you, babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay, baby, ’cause in time you will find…

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around, yeah

Now, girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same (do the same)
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it’s all just a shame
And I know I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
(Should’ve known better when you came around)
Should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry
(That you were going to make me cry)
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

(guitar break)

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around, yeah.”

Thank you!

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake performs “My Love”

…..Cameron Diaz
…..Justin Timberlake

Cameron Diaz: Ladies and gentlemen – Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: (singing)
“If I wrote you a symphony,
Just to say how much you mean to me (what would you do?)
If I told you you were beautiful, babe
Would you date me on the regular (tell me, would you?)
Well, baby I’ve been around the world
But I ain’t seen myself another girl (like you)
This ring here represents my heart
But there’s just one thing I need from you (say “I do”)

Bounce with me, New York, bounce with me!

I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady
Girl, you amaze me
Ain’t gotta do nothing crazy (oh!)
See, all I want you to do is be my love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love

Ooooh, girl
My love
My love

If I wrote you a love note
And made you smile with every word I wrote (what would you do?)
Would that make you want to change your scene
And wanna be the one on my team (tell me, would you?)
See, what’s the point of waiting anymore?
Cause girl I’ve never been more sure (that baby, it’s you)
This ring here represents my heart
And everything that you’ve been waiting for (just say “I do”)

Bounce with me, bounce with me!

I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady
Girl, you amaze me
Ain’t gotta do nothing crazy
See, all I want you to do is be my love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) My love
(So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love

Ooooh, girl
My love
My love

(guitar break)

I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside – whoo!
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady
Girl, you amaze me
Ain’t gotta do nothing crazy
See, all I want you to do is be my love

Ooooh, girl
My love
My love.”

(guitar flourish to finish)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake
Alvin…..Bill Hader
Theodore…..Fred Armisen
Simon…..Andy Samberg

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake!

(cheers and applause)

Justin Timberlake: Thank you! You know, New York is so beautiful this time of year, I myself grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, but no matter where you are, Christmas is about family, good cheer, and of course, Christmas songs. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to sing my favorite…The Christmas Song.

(band prepares to play “The Christmas Song”)

Justin Timberlake: No, no…not that Christmas song…the Christmas song by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

(heavy applause and some laughter as Alvin, Simon and Theodore appear on stage, and the band begins to play)

Justin Timberlake: Thanks guys!

Theodore: No problem!

Simon: Great to be here!

Alvin: (in regular low voice) Whatever, dude.

Justin Timberlake: All right, you chipmunks ready to sing your song?

Simon: Ya, let’s sing it!

Justin Timberlake: Okay, Simon.

Theodore: Ya!

Justin Timberlake: Okay, Theodore.

Simon: Let’s sing.

Justin Timberlake: Okay, Alvin….Alvin?…ALVIN!!!

Alvin: Okay!

All: (singing)
Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer
We’ve been good, but we can’t last
Hurry Christmas, hurry fast.

Justin Timberlake: (singing) Want a plane that loops the loop.

Alvin: (singing): Me, I want a hula hoop.

All: (singing)
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don’t be late.

Justin Timberlake: That was very good, Simon.

Simon: Naturally!

Justin Timberlake: Very good, Theodore!

(Simon laughs)

Uh, Alvin, you were a little flat. Watch it.

(Alvin looks offended)

Alvin?

Alvin: (in regular low voice) Dude…

Justin Timberlake: Alvin…

Alvin: (in regular low voice) Seriously…

Justin Timberlake: ALVIN!!!

Alvin: Okay!

Justin Timberlake: (singing) Want a plane that loops the loop.

Alvin: (singing) I still want a hula hoop.

All: (singing)
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don’t be late.
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don’t be late.

Justin Timberlake: We have a great show tonight, it’s the Christmas show! Stick around we’ll be right back

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

Keisha…..Kristen Wiig
Trey-J…..Justin Timberlake
Jo-Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
Girlie-t……Amy Poehler
Flip Flop…..Jason Sudeikis
K Smoove…..Kenan Thompson
Cave creature…..Seth Meyers
Cave creature…..Bill Hader

[ TV Show theme song begins with credits for each character ]

Trey-J: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!

All [ rapping ]: We’re the Hip Hop Kids and we’re on the way. We’re going to help you dance your troubles away. We study hard and stay in school.Go on adventures, it’s always cool. We the Hip Hop Kids.

Jo-Jessica: Check it!

Trey-J: Before you wreck it.

[ display of episode number and title screen ]

Announcer: Episode 42: Yo, Yo, Yo! How we gonna get outta this mine shaft, yo!

[ Keisha, Jo-Jessica, and Trey-J are at front of stage with Flip Flop and Girlie-t enter from the back of stage ]

Trey-J: Ok, team, what’s the repooort.

Girlie-t: Yo, these shafts are straight closed up.

Flip Flop: Word, we gonna run outta oxygen soon, yo.

Jo-Jessica: Yo, why’d we take a shortcut through a mineshaft in the first place?

[ Trey-J blows whistle ]

Trey-J: Negativity ain’t helpin’, Jo-Jessica. We need to get to Douglas High School and do our inspiration Hip-Hop dance or those kids’ll start using *druuugs*!

Keisha: Yo, we need to think up an idea-uh.

Trey-J: Well, I only know one way to solve a problem.

Girlie-t: Dance it out.

Trey-J: Tru-dat. K Smoove, drop a beat!

[ K Smoove begins playing music ]

Trey-J [ rapping ]: Yo, yo. We gotta think, yo. We gotta think about a problem and a solution. I don’t know if we..

[ cave begins to rumble and Keisha is hit on the head with a rock and falls down ]

Various: Oh no! Oh no!

Jo-Jessica: Yo, that rock hit Keisha on the head, yo. Then that stalagmite fell on her.

Girlie-t: That’s a stalagtite, Jo-Jessica. You gotta reckonize your sedimentary rock formations!

Jo-Jessica: Yo, who you calling a bitch, bitch?!

Girlie-t: I never said the word bitch, bitch!

[ Trey-J blows whistle ]

Trey-J: Yo! Twenty second TO. Keisha looks hurt bad, so we need to speed up our exit scratedgy. Let’s think.

Flip Flop: Yo, I think better when I’m busting a move, yo.

Trey-J: What!? K Smoove! Show us where out beat’s at!

[ K Smoove begins playing music and caves begin to rumble again and Jo-Jessica gets hit on the head with rock and falls down ]

Trey-J: Dance it out, Jo-Jessica, dance it off!

[ Jo-Jessica gets hit on the head with another rock ]

Trey-J: Yo, damn! It’s like these rocks know when we dancing, yo.

Girlie-t: Yo, I think it might be music and the dancing that’s shaking these rocks loose.

Trey-J: Foo! Dancing don’t cause problems – it *solves* ’em!

Flip Flop: We gonna straight up run out of food soon, yo.

Girlie-t: Yo, this cannot get any worse.

[ cave creatures rise from the back of the stage ]

Trey-J: Yooooo. On the getting worse front, I think we’ve got some company in the form of *cave creatures*!

Flip Flop: What do we do?

Trey-J: *What* do we *always* do?

Girlie-t: You think we dance it out?

Trey-J: What do you think?

Girlie-t: I was thinking maybe we should stay still. If these creatures live in this cave, they’ve probably have evolved to sense movement rather than seeing actual shapes. I think dancing may be the worst possible call, yo.

Trey-J: Flip Flop?

Flip Flop: Yo, I say we do how we do, yo.

Trey-J: K Smoove, jam it!

[ K Smoove begins playing music and cave creatures close in on Flip Flop surrounding him ]

Flip Flop: Oh yeah, how you like those moves, creatures. Ugh! Double up on you, hyah! Ugh! You getting served, you getting served, cave creatures.

[ cave creatures attack Flip Flop ]

Flip Flop: Oh, no! I’m getting served! I’m getting served!

[ cave creatures bring Flip Flop to the floor ]

Trey-J: Yo, it was like those creatures knew where he was!

Girlie-t: Yo, they did cause he was yelling at them!

Trey-J: Why you yelling at me? What are we going to do now?

Girlie-t: Yo, those cave creatures gave me an idea, yo.

Trey-J: For real?

[ cut to later with Hip Hop Kids Insert ]

Trey-J: Yo. I can’t believe we ate Keisha and Jo-Jessica, yo.

Girlie-T: You need to get past that. Cause they got ate. And that’s all there is.

Trey-J: Yo. On the real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real. I feel like dancing straight up worked against us this time, yo. What do you think, K Smoove?

[ K Smoove scratches a record a couple of times in reply. ]

Trey-J: If there was ever a day I wish you could talk, it would be today, K Smoove.

[ K Smoove scratches a record once in reply ]

Trey-J: Yo, look a tiny beam of light!

[ Trey-J points to crack in wall ]

Girlie-t: That’s way too small to fit through, yo.

Trey-J: What if we tried to *dance* through it.

Girlie-t: I like the way you think!

Trey-J: Yo!

Girlie-t: Boom! K Smoove!

[ K Smoove begins playing music and Trey-J begins to dance towards the crack ]

Trey-J: [ rapping ] Got to walk and up to it. Got to walk and up to it.

Announcer: Will the hip hop team dance through the hole? Will they face criminal charges for eating their teammates? This and more next time on “Hip Hip Kids”!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: OVNS

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

…..Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake: Thank you to Jimmy Fallon! Thank you to Cameron Diaz! Thank you, New York, and all the world! Have a Merry Christmas!

[ Jimmy Fallon and Timberlake slam their chests together, before Fallon runs down stage right to give Amy Poehler a great, big, bear hug ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Sandra Day O’Connor…..Kristen Wiig
Thomas Freedman…..Fred Armisen
President Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond

[FADE IN on Barry and Robin standing in white leisure suits with their backs to the camera in the foreground of a talk show set. Blue lights flicker while a disco ball twinkles in the background. The Bee Gees’ 1975 hit “Nights on Broadway” starts up as the audience squeals in approval.]

Announcer: [in a husky growl] It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[SUPERIMPOSE logo briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, with Barry on guitar.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are!”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”

Announcer: From the New York Times, columnist Thomas Freedman!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”

Announcer: Former Supreme Court Justice:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”

Announcer: Sandra Day O’Connor!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Former President Jimmy Carter!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to!”

Announcer: And as always:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay!”

[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout issues,
Talkin’ ’bout very important issues.
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own!
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”

[SUPERIMPOSE logo again as the brothers dance to their seats. The lights come up, and the disco ball retracts into the ceiling.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!

[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the Gibbs settle into their chairs.]

Barry Gibb: [in a high, broken voice] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter and cheers] We got a great show for you t’night. Let’s get right to it. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from nobody.

[He glances over to Robin, who stares impassively forward.]

Barry Gibb: Issue number one: Will President Bush listen to the Iraq Study Group’s recommendations? Do you have any thoughts on this, Robin?

[Robin stares blankly away for a long moment.]

Robin Gibb: [softly] No. No, I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Why, why not?

Robin Gibb: I dunno. I ju–I just don’t.

[laughter]

Barry Gibb: [turns to left] Sandra Day O’Connor. As a member of the [breaks into falsetto] Iraqi Study Group: Do you think the President will act on your [in falsetto] recommendations? Haaah!

Sandra Day O’Connor: First of all, Barry, I just want to say that it’s great to see you getting into politics. One could say your career is really, um… stayin’ alive.

[Audience chortles as Robin covers his eyes and Barry glances around in disbelief.]

Barry Gibb: What did you just say t’ me?! Haah-ahh! You do NOT try to joke me down on my own show!! [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY ef-in’ GIBB!!!

[riotous cheers]

Barry Gibb: You think I’m here to pull my [in falsetto] Australian politics? I’m gonna show up and murder you on national television!! [in falsetto] Ha-aa! Ha-aa! Yaaah!

Sandra Day O’Connor: I’m sorry.

Barry Gibb: You are sorry: a sorry excuse for a human being. You’re a piece of human garbage.

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] “Huu-u-u-man! Gaaa-a-ar-bage!”

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yeah!

[Barry glances irritably at Robin.]

Barry Gibb: [turns to right] Thomas Freedman: you spent over a decade in the Middle East. And I just wanted to say that I’m a great fan of your work.

Thomas Freedman: Well, thank you very much–

Barry Gibb: Don’t interrupt me, please, thank you. What did I JUST SAY, do you know who I AM? [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY… GIBB!!! I will rip off your hands and wear them like boxing gloves and beat you to death! And then when I’m done, I will [in falsetto] humiliate your coooorpse! Robin, do you have anything to add?

[Robin stares blankly into space for several seconds.]

Robin Gibb: No. No, I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin? Look at me. Look at me. I’m your brother, Robin, look at me-e-e-e! [sings] “Robin, look at your brother, please!”

Robin Gibb: No, I don’t wanna.

Barry Gibb: [in the first note of “Nights on Broadway”] “He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…”

[laughter]

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…
President Carter!
James Earl Carter!
A p-p-p-p-peanut farmer!
President Ca-a-a-ar-ter!
Uh-huh!”

Barry Gibb: Huh!

Robin Gibb: Hah!

[Barry glances irritably at Robin again.]

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yah!

Barry Gibb: President Carter: if you could give President [in falsetto] Bush one piece of adviiiice… on how to deal with the situation in Iraq, what would it be?

President Jimmy Carter: [lifts eyebrows and bulges eyes] Well, Barry, Robin… What President Bush needs to understand is that one nation cannot impose democracy onto another. Especially when that nation is as divided as Iraq is.

Barry Gibb: [attentive] Okay.

President Jimmy Carter: He needs to get the Sunnis, the Shi’ites, and the Kurds together–

Barry Gibb: Right.

President Jimmy Carter: –and have honest dialogue about how to move forward.

Barry Gibb: That’s good.

President Jimmy Carter: Uh, when I was President, I brought Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin together in the Camp David accord.

Barry Gibb: Good Lord! Every time I turn on TV, you’re goin’ on about Camp David accord!! It’s been thirty years! [in falsetto] Give it a reeeeest! You don’t see me talkin’ about “Saturday Night Fever” all the time–I moved ON!!

[Barry jumps up and starts kicking the air repeatedly. Carter cringes and leans against Sandra Day O’Connor.]

Barry Gibb: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE A BOTTLE INSIDE YOU AND KICK IT TILL IT BREAKS!!! YOU GET ME TIRED!!! I AM BARRY… GIBB!!!

[Barry plops back down in his chair but instantly leaps back up.]

Barry Gibb: [kicking the air] I will ruin you! I will ruin you! [starts singing] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you!”

Barry and Robin Gibb: [in harmony] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you! I will ruu-uu-u-in yoooooooooooou!”

[The audience screams in approval as Barry tumbles back into his chair. He wearily reaches for the flower basket on the center table, plucks a flower, and sniffs it.]

Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “Well… I’m… Barr–”

[He is cut off by the “Nights on Broadway” track. As the lights dim and the disco ball reappears, the brothers jump up and start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout chest hair!
Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own!
Oh, yeah…”

[Laughing, the brothers embrace briefly and dash offstage while the audience cheers tumultuously. SUPERIMPOSE The Barry Gibb Talk Show logo and fade to black while “Nights on Broadway” keeps playing.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts