Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Dry Eyes

Gary Pierce…..Bill Hader
Jerry Bertrand…..Fred Armisen
Brett O’Connor…..Justin Timberlake
Model…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on title card superimposed over game show set ]

Announcer: Welcome to “Dry Eyes”! The game show that challenges you to keep from crying. Now, here’s your host — Gary Pierce!

[ Gary Pierce enters the set ]

Gary Pierce: Hey-ohhhhhhhhh!!! [ laughs heartily ] Hi there. Welcome back to “Dry Eyes.” The game is simple: cry — you lose! Keep it dry, and you walk away with cash and prizes. Let’s meet our contestants. First up — he’s a high school Math teacher who’s a whiz in the kitchen. Say hello to Jerry Bertrand!

[ the game show audience cheers ]

Jerry Bertrand: It’s great to be here, Gary!

Gary Pierce: Are we gonna see any tears from you today, Jerry?

Jerry Bertrand: No way! I am a ROCK!

Gary Pierce: Alright. You’re gonna need that confidence, because you’re facing our 22-TIME returning champ! He’s a firefighter. Please welcome back — Brett O’Connor!

[ the game show audience cheers ]

Brett O’Connor: It’s good to be back, Gary!

Gary Pierce: Now, as always, we here at “Dry Eyes” have researched your personal lives to make it as DIFFICULT on you as possible to keep those eyes dry! The categories are: [ show game board ] “Break-Ups”, “What They Called Me In High School”, “Surprise Surprise”, “Give It To Me Straight, Doc”, and “Things My Dad Never Said.” What’s it gonna be, Brett?

Brett O’Connor: Uhh — I’ll take “Break-Ups.”

Gary Pierce: Ten points for every second you don’t cry, up to 100 points. Are you ready?

Brett O’Connor: I’m ready.

Gary Pierce: This is something said to you by your ex-girlfriend, Sarah. [ Brett blinks twice ] “I’m leaving you — not because I don’t love you, but because you never let me in.” [?] GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

Brett O’Connor: Oh, God.. Sarah.. [ exhales ] I still miss her. That’s.. for sure. So much. It — it was my fault —

[ the bell dings ]

Gary Pierce: Time!

Brett O’Connor: Whoo!! YES!!

Gary Pierce: Very, very well done! Thought you might break there, in the end.

Brett O’Connor: Me, too! That was close! Today would have been our fifth-year anniversary. [ chuckles ]

Gary Pierce: There you go! Jerry, think you can take him?

Jerry Bertrand: Uh — yeah, definitely. I’m gonna take, um — “Surprise Surprise.”

Gary Pierce: Okay. For this category, I’m gonna tell you something surprising.

Jerry Bertrand: Give me your worst, Gary.

Gary Pierce: The students in your class are real trouble makers.

Jerry Bertrand: [ laughs, smiles ] Yeah, they certainly are!

Gary Pierce: Well, today they’ve outdone themselves.

Jerry Bertrand: [ stone-faced, confident ] What did they do now?

Gary Pierce: They have nominated you for Teacher of the Year. GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

[ genuinely surprised, Jerry immediately begins weeping hard ]

[ the buzzer sounds ]

Gary Pierce: [ surprised as well ] Wow! That, uh — that got you right away.

Jerry Bertrand: [ wiping his tears away ] I just — I’m just so hard on those kids, and I never knew they cared about me —

Gary Pierce: Well, that’s NO points, and back to you, Brett.

Brett O’Connor: [ glances incredulously at Jerry ] I’ll take “Things My Dad Never Said.”

Gary Pierce: Alright, now, just for our audiences — your dad left your family when you were only thirteen. Is that right?

Brett O’Connor: [ laughs, waves the fact off ] Ha! Yeah, that’s right!

Gary Pierce: Alright. I’ll be reading this one as your father.

Brett O’Connor: Go for it.

Gary Pierce: “Son: I know we never see eye to eye, and this might not mean much to you.. but I wanted to say, ‘I’m proud of you.'” GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

Brett O’Connor: [ looks as though he’s genuinely touched, but then quickly crinkles his nose ] Like you would ever SAY that! [ starts to frown, then catches himself and puts on his poker-face, which starts to slip just as quickly ] Maybe if he was.. drunk. [ starts to slip into a frown again, but desperately fights the pending tears ] Although.. it would be nice to hear —

[ the bell dings ]

Gary Pierce: Time!!

Brett O’Connor: [ excited ] YEAH!!! WHOO!! IN YOUR FACE!! GOOD TRY, DAD!!

Gary Pierce: [ chuckles ] You barely made it through that one, buddy! [ a beat ] Jerry?

[ Jerry is already reduced to tears from Brett’s question ]

Jerry Bertrand: Oh, God! That was so hard to WATCH!

Gary Pierce: Well, uh — pull yourself together, because it’s your turn.

Jerry Bertrand: [ sniffling, as he wipes away his flow of tears ] Can I have another second, please?

Gary Pierce: [ rolls his eyes ] Are you ready?

Jerry Bertrand: [ still sniffling ] Just another second, please? [ sniffles some more ] Okay.. I’m gonna take.. “Give It to Me Straight, Doc.”

Gary Pierce: Okay, Jerry. I’m a doctor: “Mr. Betrand, your wife had a very difficult time. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but you are the father of a healthy baby boy.”

[ before Gary can say “GO!”, Jerry breaks down into a bundle of tears ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the buzzer sounds ]

Gary Pierce: Not good, Jerry!

Jerry Bertrand: [ still crying ] I’m a dad!

Gary Pierce: No! No, you’re not! But you will be going home with our Clinique gift bag for losers! And, Brett — you’re back in the Speed Round!

Brett O’Connor: Yeah!! WHOO!!

[ Jerry exits the stage, collecting his consolation prize from a smiling model ]

[ Brett joins Gary Pierce at the center of the game show set, as the studio audience cheers him on ]

Gary Pierce: I don’t have to tell you how it works — four challenges, $100 each. Cry liquid tears, and you’re OUT! Are you ready to see the next category?

Brett O’Connor: Sure.

Gary Pierce: The category is.. “Sad Songs.”

Brett O’Connor: [ intrigued ] Oo-ooh.

Gary Pierce: [ rushes offscreen ] GO!!

[ the Aerosmith song “Cryin'” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ almost starts to weep, his memories tracing back ] Sarah! [ catches himself, puts on his poker-face ] I miss you. [ exhales ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ grits his teeth ] That blind girl from the — [ reverts to his poker-face ] video!

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Celine Dion song “My Heart Will Go On” from “Titanic” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: Awww!! Not “Titanic”!! [ throws his hands over his head ] God! Jack and Rose! [ composes himself, slows his breath ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Harry Chapin song “Cat’s in the Cradle” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ starts to lose it, but struggles to regain his composure ] No, Dad.. not now.. [ holds his breath, shakes his head ] Not e-e-ev-er!! I will NOT cry for you!

[ the bell dings repeatedly ]

Gary Pierce: You’ve done it!!

Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ still addressing his dad ] SUCK IT, Dad!! Suck it for ETERNITY!!

Gary Pierce: We’ll see you next week on “Dry Eyes”!

Brett O’Connor: SUCK IT, DAD!!

[ title card appears ]

Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ locks Gary Pierce in a bear hug ]

Gary Pierce: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa — !

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 9th, 2006

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake

None

Jimmy Fallon

Cameron Diaz
“Santa’s My Boyfriend”Summary: While trimming the Christmas tree, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, and Kristen Wiig harmonize about the illicit boyfriend they have in Santa Claus.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake sings his favorite Christmas song with Alvin (Bill Hader) & The Chipmunks (Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg).

First Hosted: 03b.

Transcript

HomelessvilleSummary: A Salvation Army bellringer dressed as Santa Claus (Will Forte) faces donation competition from Homelessville’s Cup-of-Soup mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

Target GreatlandSummary: While the Target clerk (Kristen Wiig) leaves shoppers hanging so she can buy decorative merchandise for her home, a stock boy (Justin Timberlake) mulls his chapped, burned, allergen-ridden lips.

Recurring Characters: Target Clerk.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In a send up of R&B/rap videos of the early 90’s, a Color Me Badd-esque duo (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) surprise their ladies by gifting their “Dick in a Box”.

Transcript

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Dry EyesSummary: The game show where the winners don’t cave in to their emotions and cry.

Note: Originally cut from the Matthew Fox dress rehearsal two weeks earlier.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “My Love”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) provides his solutions for making a 700-mile wall along the Mexican border a reality. A same-sex couple from New Jersey (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) comment on their civil union and the Christmas holidays.

Recurring Characters: Vinnie, Gay Guy from New Jersey.

Transcript

Hip Hop KidsSummary: Teenaged hip hop artists ignorantly try to dance their way out of a mine shaft they got trapped in while using it as a shortcut.

Transcript

St. Ambrose AcademySummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) comes to the rescue when her ghetto-acting stepdaughter (Justin Timberlake) covets the role of an elf in the school play.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

A Holiday Message From Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) bestows her judgment upon the story of a stripper who falsely accused three college boys of raping her.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.

Justin Timberlake performs “What Goes Around”Lyrics

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Quitting TimeSummary: Toy store employee (Justin Timberlake) brags to his co-worker (Fred Armisen) about getting off work at five o’clock.

Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) talks to two soldiers (Jason sudeikis, Will Forte) about the U.S. exit strategy from Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper.

Condom AdSummary: Soap opera stars Michael Park and Kim Zimmer talk about the condoms they use during sex scenes.

Old FriendsSummary: A man (Will Forte) kidnaps Justin Timberlake to impress a woman (Maya Rudolph).

Michael McDonald’sSummary: michael McDonald (Justin Timberlake) decides to open a similarly-named fast food restaurant.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

An SNL Movie Trailer Recut

[MPAA logo. “R” for Restricted.]

[Opens with Mayan indian Jaguar Paw opening his eyes,dramatic music, shot of the rising sun]

Caption on black screen: From Mel Gibson. AcademyAward Winning Director of Braveheart and The Passion of the Christ.

[Shot of a panther’s eye]

Caption on black screen: What would cause one of thegreatest civilizations in history….

[Shots of Mayan sculptures, statues]

Caption on black screen: To dissapear?

[Shot of Jaguar Paw bound and sitting on the jungle,looks up and answers]

Jaguar Paw:[Subtitled] The Jews.

[Shots of Mayan indians running like hell through the jungle]

Caption subtitles: The jews are coming!! Run for your lives!!

[Mayan chief stands on top of a pyramid, hands up,talks to a large crowd below]

Mayan chief: [Subtitled]Hey, you guys! The jews areresponsible for all the wars in the world![shot ofMayan women laughing] What are you laughing at, sugartits? Aw, I didn’t mean it. I’m so wasted right now.

[Quick action montage]

Caption: Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto

[Shot of creepy Mayan girl]

Mayan Girl: [Whispers. Subtitles] I smell bagels.

[Screen turns black]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Good Morning I Hate This Town

Alan French…..Jason Sudeikis
Samantha Collingswood…..Annette Bening
Weatherman…..Kenan Thompson
Pam Dibble…..Amy Poehler

[ open on morning talk show montage ]

Jingle
“Potholes and bad schools
High, private, real fools
You can feel it in the air
You’d rather be anywhere
Than stuck here in this no-good, dumbass town.”

[ title card zooms in ]

[ dissolve to morning talk show set, whose two hosts beam brightly behind faux smiles ]

Alan French: Welcome back to “Good morning I Hate This Town.” I’m Alan French.

Samantha Collingswood: And I’m Samantha Collingswood. How was your weekend, Alan?

Alan French: Oh, TERRIBLE! Just UTTERLY TERRIBLE! I wanted to take the wife somewhere nice for dinner —

Samantha Collingswood: In this dumbass town? [ they share the laugh ] Good luck!

Alan French: Oh, tell me about it! We ended up going to Dingo’s, that Outback Steakhouse rip-off.

Samantha Collingswood: You would think even a dumbass town like ours would have a REAL Outback, but NOPE!

Alan French: No. So I asked the waiter to bring the closest thing they had to the Bloomin’ Onion. Guess what he brings?

Samantha Collingswood: Oh, boy!

Alan French: A RAW ONION!! On a PLATE! [ laughs ]

Samantha Collingswood: Unbelievable!

Alan French: I mean, if I hadn’t spent my whole life in this dumbass town full of dumbasses, I would have spit out my drink! But, I just shook my head.

Samantha Collingswood: What else can you do?

Alan French: [ chuckles ] What else can you do! [ pats Samantha across the knee ] How have you been?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, I woke up this morning in a good mood —

Alan French: Oh? Why’s that?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, I had a dream that this dumbass town had been washed away in a flood!

Alan French: [ as he sips his coffee ] Mmm! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Samantha Collingswood: Whoa! Bingo! [ they chuckle together ] And I looked out the window, and I saw the stupid houses full of dumdums, and they were all still there and my heart sunk.

Alan French: [ chuckles ] Aw, that is rough!

Samantha Collingswood: Crushing. I HATE this dumbass town so much!

Alan French: Oh, boy. I know it. So, what do we have on the docket today?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, later we’re gonna be joined by Mayor Tom Riddlin.

Alan French: Oh! You mean, KING of the DUMBASSES!

Samantha Collingswood: The one and only! [ Alan cracks up ] Oh, he’s gonna try and use his tiny chicken brain to explain why our town is dead LAST in every conceivable statewide category except one: SUCKINESS!

Alan French: Alright! Well, let’s check in with the weather. Larry, anything our viewers should know?

[ cut to Larry the weatherman, standing in front of an umbrella graphic ]

Weatherman: Hey, DUMBASSES!! Don’t go outside without one of these! [ points to the umbrella graphic ]

[ cut back to Alan and Samantha ]

Samantha Collingswood: [ faux smiling ] I don’t know he bothers!

Alan French: Ohhh, me neither! Me neither! Let’s walk over and meet cooking expert Pam Dibble, shall we?

Samantha Collingswood: Alright!

[ they walk over to the cooking set, where Pam Dibble waits ]

Samantha Collingswood: Good morning, Pam!

Pam Dibble: [ perky ] Hi, guys!

Alan French: Now, just to clarify — you’re not from this town, correct?

Pam Dibble: Uh — that’s right.

Samantha Collingswood: I guess that explains why you’re not a drooling idiot.

[ Alan and Samantha laugh heartily; Pam joins in to be polite ]

Pam Dibble: Um — I guess!

Samantha Collingswood: Ahhhh!

Alan French: So, what do you have for us today?

Pam Dibble: Well, uh — uh — I’m gonna show you how to make gingerbread cookie ornaments that you can eat.

Samantha Collingswood: Now, just for the goons at home — they shouldn’t eat their other ornaments, right?

Pam Dibble: [ smiles, unsure of the connotation ] Uh — of course not.

Samantha Collingswood: Okay!

Alan French: Well, you can’t assume anything from THESE halfwits!

Pam Dibble: Okay. Uh — so the first thing we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna crack an egg in a bowl —

Alan French: Okay, let me see that thing. [ grabs the egg ] Here we go. [ holds the egg to the camera ] Hey, you GOT that, dumbasses?! That’s an EGG!

Samantha Collingswood: Okay. Now what?

Pam Dibble: [ retrieves the egg from Alan ] Okay. So we crack an egg in a bowl —

Samantha Collingswood: Oh. Oh. [ grabs the bowl, holds it up to the camera ] That’s this metal thing, you dumbasses!

Pam Dibble: [ whispers to Samantha ] Do they know not to put the shells in it?

Samantha Collingswood: I doubt it.

Alan French: No way. No way.

Samantha Collingswood: No.

Pam Dibble: Um — keep the shells out of the bowl —

Alan French: Alright, let’s stop there, Pam. That’s probably all these morons can handle in one day! Maybe we’ll pick it up again tomorrow!

Pam Dibble: Um — I’m sorry. Aren’t you worried that people might call in and complain?

Alan French: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we’re really worried about that! Yeah!

Samantha Collingswood: Right. Um —

[ together, Alan and Samantha mime what a dumbass looks like trying to dial a telephone — holding the receiver to the top of their head, under their arm, up their own ass, etc. ]

Samantha Collingswood: Thanks, Pam!

Alan French: Aww, WORST town on Earth!

Samantha Collingswood: Aw, when we come back: a local moron shows us something worthless!

Alan French: I can’t wait!

Samantha Collingswood: Whoo!

[ title card reappears onscreen ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

An SNL Digital Short: Pep Talk

Manager…..Fred Armisen
Tia…..Amy Poehler
Brad…..Matthew Fox
Jordan…..Kenan Thompson
Pete…..Andy Samberg
Will…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to interior, fast food restaurant decorated for Christmas. The Manager exits his office to stand before a meeting with his four staff members. ]

Manager: Alright, guys. The holiday season is upon us, and, since we’re so close to the mall, it means we’re gonna get a lot more foot traffic. So, I kind of need you guys to work as a team.

Tia: [ bored, half-asleep ] Is this why you brought us in here at tne o’clock in the morning?

Manager: Tia, I really need your full attention here. This is really important. [ a beat ] I’m going to aks you guys to start working double shifts.

Brad: Drew? You couldn’t have just put that on the schedule?

Manager: Brad? Two seconds: I’m over there, I’m taking you down! Two seconds!

[ Brad just stares at the Manager without saying a word ]

Manager: Where was I? Uh – they’re gonna discontinue the Santa Fe Sandwich.. but we still have them, so, uh.. pretty much, on the register, just press, uh, medium fries twice, that should work.

Jordan: But.. what if somebody wants two medium fries?

Manager: Jordan! [ slaps his manual on the table ] I swear to God! Five seconds: I’m over this chair, I’m in your face, and I’m kicking you in the chest!

Jordan: But I just asked a question!

Manager: Jordan! It’s going to happen! Now, uh, let’s talk a little about the, uh, the drive-thru.

Pete: [ raises his hand ] That’s me.

Manager: Pete! One second: one punch, BACK of the head! ONE SECOND!!

Brad: Drew. No one’s arguing with you. We all like to work here. We just.. can’t function when you communicate with us like this.

Pete: Yeah.

Jordan: Right.

Tia: Yeah.

Manager: Okay. I see what you’re saying. ‘Cause I was thinking maybe a ltitle bit more like: BRAD! Seven seconds: I’m grabbing you by the collar, your face is in the deep fryer!

Brad: What?!

Manager: PETE! Two seconds: I pull out your eyes, and they’re going in the garbage!

Pete: Why?!

Manager: JORDAN! Twenty seconds: I’m over there, I’m gonna rip out oyur jaw!

Jordan: [ incredulous ] Twenty seconds?

Manager: TIA! Half-second: my ass is in your mouth!

Tia: What?

Manager: Twenty-nine-and-a-half seconds, and you’re ALL gone! This is BEYOND a threat!! It’s a PROMISE!!

Tia: Drew, what’s going on with you, man?

Manager: [ twists his arms over his head and grits his teeth with a whimper ] I don’t know! I have an anger problem, I don’t know how to control it – you guys are my only friends, I’m sorry!

Brad: Drew, it’s alright. We’re all here for you, buddy.

Manager: [ calms himself down ] Thanks.

Will: [ enters the restaurant ] Sorry I’m late, guys, what did I miss?

[ the Manager clenches his fist and shakes in great distress while growling, until his head finally explodes. The staff reacts with jerk reactions ]

[ reveal the headless body of the Manager. No, wait – it’s a dummy! The real Manager picks himself up from the floor. ]

Manager: Okay, guys. Enough fun and games. Let’s get back to work.

[ cut to “Lost”-style title card that read: “Happy Holidays” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Akon performs “I Wanna Love You”

…..Annette Bening
…..Akon

Annette Bening: Ladies and gentlemen, Akon.

Akon: (singing)
“Convict…Music…and you know we up front.

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know.

Shorty, I can see you ain’t lonely
Handful of brothers and they all got cheese
See you lookin’ at me now what it’s gon’ be
Just another tease far as I can see
Tryna get you up out this club if it means spendin’ a couple dubs
Throwin’ bout 30 stacks in the back make it rain like that cause I’m far from a scrub
And you know my pedigree, ex-deala use to move phetamines
Girl I spend money like it don’t mean nothing and besides I got a thing for you.

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know girl

Girl, and while you’re looking at me I’m ready to hit the caddy
Right up on the patio move the patty to the caddy
Baby you got a phatty, the type I like to marry
Wantin’ to just give you everything and that’s kinda scary
Cause I’m loving the way you shake your — (okay!)
Booty bouncin’, got me tippin’ my glass
Normally don’t get caught up too fast (What!)
But I got a thing for you

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

(music dies)

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you (tell em’, Akon!), you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

Girl…”

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Gwen Stefani performs “Wind it Up”

…..Annette Bening
…..Gwen Stefani

Annette Bening: Ladies and gentlemen, Gwen Stefani.

(cheers and applause)

(Annette Bening stands with female look-alike dancers behind her, male dancers behind the female dancers, and male drummers stand at the very back)

Gwen Stefani: (singing)
“High on the hill with the lonely goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-lay-he-hoo
Yodell back with the girl and goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-low

Wind it up
Wind it up, uh, uh,
Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

(Yeah)
This is the key that makes us wind up
When the beat comes on, the girls all line up
And the boys all look, but no, they can’t touch
But the girls want to know why boys like us so much

They like the way we dance, they like the way we work
They like that way that L.A.M.B. is going ‘cross my shirt
They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape (She’s crazy, right?)
They like the way we react everytime we dance

Everytime the bass bangs, re-alize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don’t stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Uh, uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, (Come on) uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

You’ve got to let the beat get under your skin
You’ve got to open up, and let it all in
But see, once it gets in, the poppin’ begins
And then you find out, why all the boys stare

See, they’re trying to bite our style
Trying to study our approach
They like the way we do it, so original
I guess that they are slow, so they should leave the room
This beat is for the clubs, and cars that go

Everytime the bass bangs, re-alize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don’t stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Uh, uh, uh, wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
(Ya’ll ready)

Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

Uh uh huh, it’s your moment
Uh huh, come on girl, you know you own it
Uh huh, you know your key is still tick-tockin’
Hell yeah, and you know they’re watchin’

Get it girl, get it, get it girl
Get it girl, get it, get it girl
To the front, to the side,
To the back, but don’t let him ride

Keep goin’ girl, it’s your night
Don’t let him steal your light
I know he thinks you’re fine and stuff
But does he know how to wind you up?
(Come on)

Uh, uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low, hey!”

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Monster Under the Bed

Casey…..Amy Poehler
Mom…..Annette Bening
Dad…..Will Forte
The Monster…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, suburban home, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Casey’s bedroom, as she breathes heavy with fear in the dark ]

Casey: Mom, Dad! Mom!

[ Mom and Dad enter the room, and turn on the lights ]

Mom: What is it, honey? What’s wrong?

Dad: Is everything okay?

Casey: I can’t sleep.

Dad: Well, why not?

Mom: Here – let’s get you tucked in, honey.

Casey: No, no! It’s just —

Mom: What is it? What?

Casey: [ at last ] There’s a monster underneath my bed.

[ Mom and Dad back up toward the door, suddenly paralyzed with great fear ]

Dad: What?!

Mom: What did she say? What did she just say –?

Dad: Wait! What did you just say?!

Casey: I said I think there’s a monster underneath my bed.

Dad: You THINK?! Or IS there?!

Mom: YES or NO?! This isn’t a game! [ grabs her hisband ] Oh, my God, Hank! What do we do?!

Dad: Everybody, get on the bed!! FEET OFF THE FLOOR!! NOW!!

[ Mom and Dad jump onto the bed with a single leap ]

Casey: AHH!! What?!

Dad: Casey, this is VERY important: How big is the monster?!

Casey: I don’t know, I-I didn’t actually see him —

Dad: Oh, my God – he’s invisible!

Mom: Or he’s a shape-shifter – he could be anything on this bed!

Dad: PILLOWS AND BLANKETS, OFF!! NOW!!

[ Mom and Dad fling all the pillows and blankets across the room with primal screams ]

Casey: Maybe – maybe – maybe we should just lseep in your bed tonight!

Mom: Oh, you don’t think the monster has already THOUGHT of that?! [ tries to calm herself down ] I’m sorry, baby. Why did you call us in here if you KNEW there was a monster?!

Dad: Everybody, stay calm! Okay, Casey – has the monster been here before? Does he know the layout of the house?

Casey: I don’t know, I —

Dad: We don’t have TIME for “I DON’T KNOW!!” OKAY?!!

Dad: There is a monster under your bed, and he’s going to EAT us, do you understand?! He is GOING to EAT US!!

Mom: CALL THE POLICE!! CALL THE POLICE!!

Dad: OHH!! I left my phone in the other room!! Casey, do you have the cell phnoe that Mmomy and Daddy gave you?

Casey: Yeah, it’s in my jacket — [ starts to crawl out of the bed ]

Mom: DON’T BE AN IDIOT, CASEY!!

Dad: STAY OFF THE FLOOR!! The mnoster’s visual accuity is based on MOTION!! If you step on that floor, you’re SIGNING OUR DEATH CERTIFICATES!!

Casey: You know, maybe it was just my imagination —

Mom: Why would you make that up? What kind of sick freak would make that up?!

Dad: We can’t AFFORD to be wrong on this, Casey!! Because if you’re wrong, we are DEAD! Your parents will be dead, nd you’ll live the rest of your life knowing that you KILLED them!

Casey: What if he’s a friendly monster?

Dad: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, ho ho, yeah! What if he’s a friendly monster! Hey! Look at that shark! Maybe he’s a friendly shark! Oh, wait! He’s ripping my legs off! Thanks for the advice, Casey – Daddy’s got no legs!

Casey: Well, maybe it was just a nightmare. I ate a lot of chocolate before I went to sleep —

Dad: You what?!

Mom: You brought chocolate into the monster’s lair? YOU IDIOT!! [ grabs Casey’s throat and begins to strangle her ]

Dad: NO! Let her go! Let her go!

Casey: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Dad: Yeah, I’d be sorry, too, if I had to sit on a bed and watch my parents get RAPED by a monster! Because it WILL happen!

Mom: [ weeping ] Don’t let us die like this, Hank! Don’t let us die!

Dad: Okay, there’s only one way out. [ pulls two pistols out of his robe, holds one up before Casey ] Do you know how to use this?

Casey: No.

Dad: God, you are dead weight, WHY dod we even send you to school?!

[ Mom grabs one of the pistols from Dad ]

Dad: Honey, if we don’t make it out of here alive, I just want you to know that I love you.

Mom: I love you, too.

Dad: Casey? I’ve gotta say.. I’m a little disappointed in you. Okay? So.. on the count of three, we run, okay? And DO NOT test me on this, I will LEAVE YOU HERE in a HEARTBEAT!! Okay?! Are we clear?!

Casey: YES, Dad!

Dad: Okay! 1! 2! 3!

[ Mom runs screaming out of the room, as Dad backs up while pointing his pistol in all directions. Casey calmly walks out of the room. ]

[ a moment or two later, Christmas music begins to play, as a Monster emerges from the closet ]

The Monster: [ singing ]
“Have a holly, jolly Christmas!
It’s the best tiiiiime of the year!
I don’t know, if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer!”

[ suddenly, gunshots ring out. Dad and his family stand in the doorway as he unloads his ammunition into the Monster’s back. The monster stands there paralyzed, as the music stops abruptly. ]

The Monster: Whyyyyy?? [ collapses against the ned and onto the floor ]

Mom: [ smiles ] Oh! So predictable, huh?

Dad: See, Casey? He fell RIGHT into our trap.

Casey: [ frightened ] Yeah.. I guess..

Mom: Well, honey. I think it’s past your bedtime!

Dad: Yeah, get to sleep. We’ll clean that monster up in the morning.

Mom: Good night.

Dad: Good night.

[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and turn off the lights, leaving Casey and the dead monster alone in the dark ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Annette Bening’s Monologue

…..Annette Bening
Female Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Female Audience Member 2…..Amy Poehler
Female Audience Member 3…..Maya Rudolph
…..Alec Baldwin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Annette Bening!

Annette Bening: Thank you! Thank you SO much! It’s – it’s a real thrill to be here! [ exhales ] You know, recently I did a film with Alec Baldwin, and — [ audience claps ] Yeah, Alec – he would always tell me – he would always say, “You just have to host “Saturday Night Live”, you will have the time of your life!” And he would then go on saying how good he was at it, and how many times he’d done it, and then how good he was at it again, and then, eventually, I’d have to pretend to get a phone call or something. But, anyway, the point is: I’m here, and I would like to take this time to connect with the audience, so, uh – if anyone has any questions? [ Female Audience Member 1 stands ] Oh.

Female Audience Member 1: Hi, I-I just wanted to say that I loved the crazy real estate character you played in “American Beauty.”

Annette Bening: [ flattered ] Oh, I don’t know if she was crazy — [ audience applauds ] Thanks! No. I think she was more.. complicated?

Female Audience Member 1: Oh. Oh, it came off as crazy. Really crazy.

Annette Bening: Oh. Okay. [ laughs ] Uh — [ sees Female Audience Member 2 stand ] Oh! Yes? You?

Female Audience Member 2: [ dressed in a Century 21 jacket ] Yeah, I have a question.

Annette Bening: Oh. Oh, are you a real estate agent?

Female Audience Member 2: [ peeved ] Yeah. Yeah, I am!

Annette Bening: Oh. Do you have a question?

Female Audience Member 2: Yes! I do! When you portray real estate agents as crazy, do you take into account how negatively it affects the thousands of female real estate agents in this country?

Annette Bening: Well, I-I can’t believe that-that the movies actually affect how people think about real estate agents.

Female Audience Member 2: [ a beat ] So, no, then?

Annette Bening: No – no, I-I didn’t take it into account, uh – uh, another question? [ looks around ] Please? Uh — [ Female Audience Member 3 raises her hand ] Oh.

Female Audience Member 3: Marnie Leonard, Re/Max Realty. When you played a real estate agent who cheated on her husband in “American Beauty”, did it occur to you that husbands of real estate agents would become suspicious and then investigate whether their real estate agent wives were cheating on them? In some cases, even discovering that they were, and then divorcing them?

Annette Bening: [ bewildered ] You know, I will be totlaly honest with you – that did not occur to me, but I am sorry —

Female Audience Member 3: [ nastily chipper ] Yeah.. yeah, okay. Well, I will be sure to pass that along to my kids, who I see on weekends and holidays.

Annette Bening: Oh, God —

[ Female Audience Member 1 stands again ]

Female Audience Member 1: Can I – can I just say one more thing?

Annette Bening: Oh. Sure.

Female Audience Member 1: I just wanted to say that I, too, am a real estate agent.

Annette Bening: Well, why didn’t you say so before?

Female Audience Member 1: Because your movies made me believe that was something to be ashamed of.

Male Voice: That is so ridiculous!

[ Alec Baldwin appears standing in the audience ]

Annette Bening: Alec!

[ the audience screams and hollars ]

Annette Bening: Alec, what are you doing here? My God! Wow!

[ the audience quiets down, Alec stands in silence ]

Annette Bening: What are you doing here?

Alec Baldwin: I live here. [ audience laughs ] I just wanted to point out that I also payed a real estate agent, rather famously, in the movie “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Annette Bening: Oh, right. I remember.

[ the audience cheers their approval ]

Alec Baldwin: Of course, you’d remember that. But people often stop me in the street just to say how much they liked it, and, uh, many of them are real estate agents themselves, who tell me that it changed their lives for the better, and it’s.. a special feeling knowing you’ve changed people’s lives.

Annette Bening: Uh – what does any of this have to do with me?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, nothing, really. I just like talking about my film career. And I also wanted to say I thought it was great when you took your clothes off in “The Grifters” – that was fantastic! [ sits ]

Annette Bening: [ laughing ] Oh, thanks! Thanks so much. Well, we’ve got a great show – I don’t play a single real estate agent. Gwen Stefani and Akon are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Introverts Night Out

Neil….Will Forte
Jean….Kristen Wiig
Meryl….Annette Bening
Waiter….Bill Hader

[Opens with a sports bar, everyone drinking, having agood time. In comes Neil with his conservative style,glasses, tie, vest, moustache, cow licked hair. Jeanwith an outdated hairdo, grandma’s clothes. And Meryl,she is cute but with a depressed look on her face. Sheis thin but from the waist down she is bigger andfatter than the rest of her body.]

Neil: And here we are.

Jean: I have to say I’m really excited that the 3 ofus are going to enjoy our first after work snack tonight.

Meryl: Yes, I’m happy its working out. The Skiffcoupon from my secret Santa was really burning a hole in my pocket.

Jean: Oh, we wouldn’t want that. Those are one of your flattering slacks.

Meryl: Oh, Jean.

Neil: So, what do we do here? Can we just sit down atany given table? Is there a sign-up sheet? Sort of a seating grid?

Meryl: Well, that sign says “Please wait to be seated.”Mess it. If I’d known that I would’ve brought my folding stool.

Waiter: Excuse me. There is a table available right over there.

Neil: Wonderful. Great.

Meryl: Thank you.

Jean: Oh, excuse me.[to waiter.][Jean takes out Ziplocbag full of change, takes couple of quarters gives itto the waiter. He puts up with it.]Thank you.

Waiter: Thanks.

Neil: Jean, what a great idea to bring a bag filled with tipping change.

Jean: I have to admit my original intent was notgratuity related at all. I withdrew these quartersfrom the bank to purchase music songs on the jukebox machine.

Meryl: Oh, Jean I didn’t even think about thepossibility of a jukebox machine.

Jean: Meryl, its 2006!

Meryl: Then where in the name of Mary Todd Lincoln is it?

Neil: Excuse me, waiter. Where in the name of MaryTodd Lincoln is your jukebox machine?

Waiter: We don’t have a jukebox.

Meryl: No jukebox machine?

Jean: But I went to the bank!

Neil: I wanted to hear The Platters.

Waiter: Well, we have a DJ and he should be setting up pretty soon.

Neil: It’s not Wolfman Jack, is it?

Waiter: I don’t think so, no.

Neil: But he’ll have The Platters?

Waiter: He mostly plays dance music.

Neil: So, he does have The Platters.

Meryl: Is there gonna be dancing?

Jean: Oh, mess it. I should have worn my sneakers flats.

Meryl: I have to admit. I’m a little nervous. I’ve never danced in public before.

Neil: Same here, Meryl. I’ve been in a number ofaccidental dance situations. Stomping out fires,rhythmically jumping in pain after stepping on a mousetrap. But I’ve certainly never made a concerted effort to dance.

Jean: I did do a little salsa at my cousin’scommitment ceremony. I can’t say for sure as I wasunder the influence of a strong ring worm ointment.

Neil: Sounds like we’re all on the same boat. A boatwe could quite logically christen “The U.S.S Non dancer”.

Meryl: How can you 2 be so calm about this? I’mquacking in my proverbial boots.

Jean: Meryl, why don’t you take those jitters and turn them into a jitterbug?

Neil: Oh, what a fine, fine joke, Jean.[Kristen lookslike about to crack up, holds it]Too boot notproverbially its as relevant as all get out.

Meryl: Well, I’m gonna sit this one out.

Neil: Whaaat?!

Jean: Meryl, are sure?!

Meryl: I’m positive. Truth be told I have a problem with leg sweat.

Jean: I didn’t know you had leg sweat problems, Meryl.

Meryl: Unfortunately, yes. Its why I use a wheelchair at work.

Neil: Well, I think I’ll fore go the dancing as well.I had a double helping of oatmeal this morning butunfortunately forgot to add water. The introduction ofdancing could make for a fairly implosive situation.

Jean: Do you think they’ll allow pocket books on thedance floor? Probably not. Excuse me, where are your pocket book lockers?

Waiter: We don’t have lockers.

Meryl: No pocket book lockers? No jukebox machine? What the mess?

Jean: I said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America, it’s a problem.

Meryl: One more question, do you have wheelchairs for dancers with leg sweat problems?

Waiter: No. Are you going to order anything?

Jean: Oh, you know I’ll have a warm mug of yellow eggnog.

Meryl: Oh, nog. Nog sounds good. Make that 2 nogs. Neil, nog?

Neil: Well, I was thinking about an ovaltine. Oh, mess it. Make it 3 egg nogs.

Waiter: Three eggnogs. Is that with or without alcohol?

Neil: Alcohol? I didn’t know there was an option.

Meryl: I don’t even know what it means.

[The trio talk over each other. Close-up on clock, time passes]

Jean: So, how is this going to work?

Neil: We’ll start by gently rubbing each othersshoulders for exactly 5 minutes. I’ll unburden both ofyou of your blouses. From there we’ll all put onblindfolds and remove each others……[Close-up onclock, more time passes]….and then I’ll mess Merylwhile Jean watches and then Jean will mess Meryl whileI watch. Then Meryl and I will mess each other whileJean messes herself.[Kristen is about to crack up]Thenthe waiter will doggy mess Meryl as I reverse cowboy mess Jean.

Meryl: I have to say, I wasn’t sure about it at firstbut I’m really warming to the idea of getting butt messed.

Neil: Well, its too bad this country frowns upon it so.

Jean: Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again.That’s America, it’s a problem. [Kristen laughs finally]

[Cheers and Applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts