Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristen Wiig
Female Customer…..Amy Poehler
Manager…..Peter Saarsgard
Male Customer #1…..Kenan Thompson
Male Customer #2…..Chris Parnell

[open on exterior of store: “Target Greatland”]

[dissolve to interior with clerk waiting on a female customer]

Target Clerk: [with odd pronunciations of many words] Is this box of cherclates gonna be for a valentine?

Female Customer: Uh, ch-chocolates? No, no, it’s for my secretary.

Target Clerk: You know, we’ve gotten in a lot of really special items in for the Valentine hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, uh, no thanks. I’ll probably do that shopping in February.

Target Clerk: Oh, you know, January is the best month to shop. We have all-new merchandise in for Valentine’s, but we also have all those clearance items left over, you know, from the Christmas hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, I’m fine with what I have, but thank you.

Target Clerk: We have, for Valentine’s, some cherclate. It’s like a cherclate heart; it’s hollow, ’cause inside there’s a little necklace. It’s kind of like a gold. So the cherclate, you have that, but then that’s gone, but then they have the necklace; they can wear that all the time–it’s a whole other gift!

Female Customer: Oh, that’s very sweet.

Target Clerk: Oh, they’re marvellous! Oh, if only they came in a caramel, or a chopped aulmond!

Female Customer: You know, I really have to–

Target Clerk: What, what is this? [picks up a metallic tote from the customer’s cart] A metallic tote? Do we have more of these?

Female Customer: Uh, yeah. [she points] I think they’re over– [the clerk drops the tote and dashes away from the register] Where is she going? Excuse me, are you the manager?

Manager: [approaching and holding a cup of coffee] Uh, yes I am, but I’m on my break. Ooh, I wish I could help you.

Female Customer: Well, the sales clerk just ran off in the middle of ringing me up.

Manager: You know, I can’t really do anything about that. I’m on my break. [shrugs] I’m having a flavored coffee.

Female Customer: Is there anyone else that can help me?

Manager: You know what? No. Ooh, I’m so sorry for you right now.

Target Clerk: [returning with a metallic tote] Hallelujah! If I get invited to an Oscar party, I have a date. [finishes ringing up the purchases] That’ll be $62.12.

Female Customer: I’m sorry, all I have is a hundred. [hands the clerk a bill]

Target Clerk: Oh, I’ll have to check for the watermark. [holds the bill up to the light] IT’S LEGIT!!! [cheers with her fists]

[the clerk rings through the register and hands the customer her change]

Female Customer: Thank you. [exits]

Manager: I just have to say this out loud: I’ve having one of the best breaks of my career.

Male Customer #1: [arrives with a large box] Excuse me, I’d like to exchange this Toastmaster.

Target Clerk: Oh! I am not authorized to do a return.

Manager: Yeah, ooh, you’re gonna have to find a manager. [sighs]

Male Customer #1: But you’re the manager. I mean, that’s what your nametag says.

Manager: Yeah, but I’m on break. [whispers] And can I just tell you, it’s a good one. [regular voice] Ooh, you know, this flavored coffee–mmm–it gets better as it gets colder.

Male Customer #1: No, that’s all right. I’ll just exchange it at Wal-Mart. [hisses] That’s where I bought it anyway. [exits]

Manager: Oh, I don’t want this break to end.

[a second male customer approaches the register and lays a pillow sham on the conveyor]

Target Clerk: Oh! Well, look at how small your fingers are! If you and I were in a shoe-tying contest, I think I’d just have to leave. Well, what is this? An African-inspired pillow sham? Do we have more of these?

Male Customer #2: Yeah. [he points] They are– [the clerk drops the pillow sham and dashes away from the register] Wait! Where is that woman going?

Manager: Ooh, are you talking to me? See, I wasn’t listening, ’cause I’m on my break right now. Are you familiar with International Delight flavored coffee creams? Hmmm?

Male Customer #2: Yes.

Manager: Yes, but have you tried them?

Male Customer #2: No.

Manager: [giggles] I cannot wait to tell my sister how good this break was.

Target Clerk: [returning with a pillow sham] Eureka! I’m gonna lay this out across the back of my terlet. $21.12. [the customer produces a card] ATM?

Male Customer #2: Mmm-hmmm.

Target Clerk: Please enter in your secret code.

[the clerk and the manager turn away while the customer inputs his code]

Male Customer #2: I’m done.

[they both turn back around]

Target Clerk: APPROVED!!! [cheers with her fists] Just as a reminder, Valentine’s is just around the kerner.

Male Customer #2: Around the what?

Target Clerk: Around the kerner. Oh, you really don’t have much time. May I suggest some of our cherclates? We have stuffed teddy bears that are holding, like, a small bouquet.

Male Customer #2: No thank you.

Target Clerk: Oh, well we also have a scented candull. [customer exits] It’s a scented aphrodesiac candull. It’s called a love candull…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards

…..Peter Sarsgaard

[open on Peter Sarsgaard standing in front of a blue curtain, with light, twinkly music playing]

Peter Sarsgaard: Hi. I’m critically acknowledged actor Peter Sarsgaard [title: “Peter Sarsgaard, ‘Jarhead,’ ‘Garden State’], and today I’d like to talk to you about a very serious matter. We live in a world where we’re never sure where the next infectious disease will strike. Today, that disease is bird flu. [a graphic appears at the upper right of a rooster with title: “BIRD FLU”] Three years ago, that disease was SARS. [graphic changes to an Asian man wearing a cotton mask marked “SARS”] Do you remember that? I do. Because three years ago, I developed these. [the graphic disappears and he walks to a display of cotton masks] The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, the only commercially available SARS guard with my picture on it. [he has picked up a SARS guard with his picture and name on it] Now, normally I’d never try to take advantage of a terrible tragedy, but my name is Peter Sarsgaard; it was kind of a no-brainer. But the fact is that I now have several warehouses full of Peter Sarsgaard brand SARS guard. [dissolve to a warehouse with a banner: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards,” with his picture] Two hundred and fifty million of them, to be exact. [dissolve to Peter] Originally retailing for a hundred and twenty dollars–a price I now realize was obscenely high, they can now be had for the very reasonable price of five for a dollar. [a graphic appears showing “$120” crossed out in red, with 5/$1.00 written below it, and then disappears] Now, the Saarsgard SARS Guard is sixty percent effective against the SARS bacteria. [An animated graphic shows a human figure wearing a Sarsgaard SARS Guard, and a small red cloud of SARS in front of his face. The cloud shoots rays of SARS towards his mouth, and about half of the rays continue into the man’s lungs.] That’s sixty percent. That’s nearly ten percent more effective than the natural filters contained within the human lung. [gestures towards his chest] Now, I have to be honest. It’s been pretty difficult to sell these things. Not only will the AMA not certify the Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, they won’t even return my calls. I swore that I would never say this about anyone, but I hope that all those AMA turkeys get SARS. But I don’t want you to get SARS! Now, I made a terrible decision by getting involved with these SARS guards, but you might not be making a terrible decision by not getting involved with them today. [he suddenly looks perplexed, unsure of if he’s endorsed the product or not]

[dissolve to title screen with image of two SARS guards: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards”]

Narrator: The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard.

[a small box expands into the image of Peter Sarsguard in front of the blue curtain and sits in the lower left corner of the screen]

Peter Sarsgaard: [holding up a SARS guard] The only SARS guard with my face on it.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11




Search Now:

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Pirate Convention

Red Beard Pete…..Will Forte
Ted…..Fred Armisen
Arthur…..Jason Sudeikis
Dinkins…..Andy Sandberg
Bartholomew…..Horatio Sanz
Pirate 1…..Bill Hader
Pirate 2…..Chris Parnell
…..Peter Sarsgaard

(Opens with a shot of the Holiday Inn hotel. Cut to anactivities board that reads: 1:00 Schwartz Bar Mitzvah4:00 Real Estate Seminar 7:30 Pirate Convention.Growling is heard and dissolves to room decorated withpirate stuff, big skull banner with cross bones. Agroup of about 10 guys dressed in authentic pirateattire. Eye patches, hats, bandannas, scarfs,wildhair, the whole 9 yards. Red beard Pete has a parroton his shoulder, he is at the podium)

Red Beard Pete:(gruff voice) Settle down, settle down,settle down. Ahoy! Maties! I welcome ye to the fourthannual pirate convention. I be your moderator RedBeard Pete. We first like to thank the good people ofthe Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. Notout first choice but there was no vacancy at ourfavorite hotel the Ritz Car-r-r-r-r-r-lton.

All pirates: CAR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RLTON!! ARRR-ARRR!!

Red Beard Pete: All right, now I would like to welcomemy first mate Dinkins to the stage for roll call.

(Dinkins steps up to the podium)

Dinkins: Roll call. A-r-rthur-r-r-r-r!

Arthur: AHOY!

Dinkins:Bar-r-r-r-r-rtholomew!

Bartholomew: Present and accounted for-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

Dinkins: Ted!

Ted: Here.

Red Beard Pete: All right, all right we don´t need aroll call. Ok, first order of business. Picking alocation for next year´s convention. Any ideas?

Bartholomew: AR-R-R-R-R-RKANSAS!!

Red Beard Pete: Maybe. Anyone else?

Pirate 1: MADAGASCAR-R-R-R-R-R!

Red Beard Pete: Nice one.

Dinkins: Boston.

Red Beard Pete: Hmmm, Boston? Kind of an odd choice.

Dinkins: Bear with me. We can drive there and when wearrive, we can PARK THE CA-R-R-R IN THEHAR-R-RVAR-R-R-RD YA-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

All pirates: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Red Beard Pete: Boston it is! All right, it be time tobring out our keynote speaker. I think you all will bepleased. Dinkins do the honors.

Dinkins: Aye. Joining us today is film and stagesta-r-r-r, Peter Sarsgaar-r-r-r-r-r-d!

All pirates: SARSGAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

(Actor Peter Sarsgaard walks up to the podium in suit and tie)

Red Beard Pete: Hello, Sarsgaa-r-r-r-r-rd!

Peter Sarsgaard: You can call me Peter.

Red Beard Pete: No, thank you.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, well it´s an honor to be here. Idon´t know a lot about pirate culture but when myagent told me about this convention I immediately saidyes. I´m always up for experiencing new things so Ihope to learn as much from you guys as you may fromme.

Red Beard Pete: Ok, time for Q/A. Ok, who will behaving a question for Sarsgaard?

Dinkins: Yes, yes. Do ye be knowing what the film “TheWedding Crashers” was rated?

Peter Sarsgaard: Not of the top of my head but I thinkthere was some nudity so maybe it was rated “R”?

All pirates: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!

Arthur: You worked with many talented actors over theyears. Have ye ever worked with cross dressingCorporal Klinger from “MASH”?

Peter Sarsgaard: You mean Jamie Farr?

All Pirates: FAAAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: No, I´ve never worked with him.

Arthur: Ok.

Bartholomew: What be the name of the best web site tosee people make love to barnyard animals?

Peter Sarsgaard: I don´t know. Umm, maybe animalloveclub.com?

Bartholomew: No, not that one. I was thinkingloveinthebarnyard.or-r-r-r-r-r-rg!!

All pirates: OO-R-R-R-R-R-RG!!!!

Bartholomew: Arr,(takes out notepad)what be the nameof that first one again?

Peter Sarsgaard: It´s animalloveclub.com.

Bartholomew: Animal,(writes on notepad)dot com, thank you.

Pirate 1: What be your favorite food chain thatspecializes in roast beef sandwiches?

Peter Sarsgaard:(sighs, catching on)Arby´s?

All pirates: A-R-R-R-R-R-RBY´S!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, ok, all right I think I seewhat´s going on here. You guys don´t know anythingabout me do you? The only reason you have me here isbecause my name has a bunch of “R” sounds in it.

Red Beard Pete: No way, Sarsgaar-r-r-d!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Really?

Red Beard Pete: We are big fans of what you do.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, name one thing I´ve done.(Lowmurmuring among pirates)See? I knew it!

Red Beard Pete: Well, umm…why don´t you name somestuff you´ve done?

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, how about “Jarhead”?

All pirates: JA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RHEAD!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Yeah, yeah ummm, “Garden State”?

All pirates: GA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RDEN STATE!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: “Boys don´t Cry”?

All pirates: Ummm,(very little enthusiasm)

Red Beard Pete: Sarsgaard, we be owing ye an apology.The only reason we brought you here is because you´reSarsgaard. Oh, and now is time for our musical number.Provided by your truly and Dinkins.

(Red Beard Pete and Dinkins recite along with theother pirates)

Everybody: A,B,C,D,E,F,G(Peter Sarsgaard joinsin)H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Pirates begin to smash bottles and glasses against the wall)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

National Security Agency

Helen…..Amy Poehler
Peg…..Rachel Dratch
NSA Agent…..Peter Sarsgaard
Other NSA Agent…..Jason Sudeikis

[open on seal of the National Security Agency, with inspiring percussion music and scrolling title of voice over]

Narrator: Since 2003, the NSA has courageously and illegally monitored the phone calls of countless Americans. This is their story.

[dissolve to Peg, an elderly woman, picking up a telephone and placing a call]

[the phone rings on the other end, and the screen splits to show a second elderly woman, Helen, putting on her glasses and picking up the phone]

Helen: Hello?

Peg: Helen, it’s Peg.

Helen: Oh, Peg, how are you?

Peg: Oh, you know, Helen, not good, but that’s the best I can expect these days.

Helen: Tell me about it. How are the kids?

Peg: Oh, if they would call, I would tell you. What about your Alan; have you heard from him?

Helen: Yes, and get this: he dropped a real bomb on us.

[screen splits again to show an NSA agent between the two ladies, lestening in with headphones]

Peg: [gasps] A bomb? What sort of bomb?

Helen: Well, Peg, it’s quite a bomb. He tells Stanley and I that he’s moving to Dallas.

Peg: [gasps] Dallas? That far away?

[NSA agent sighs and presses a button, and his panel closes]

Helen: I know. Now we’ll never see the grandkids.

Peg: [scoffs] Well, part of me envies you. Don’t ever say I said this, but the last time the grandkids came to visit us, they were holy terrors.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he listens intently]

Helen: Mmm, holy terrors? How?

Peg: The two of them are always plotting and planning. They’re just evil!

[the NSA agent beckons to a second agent ]

Helen: Well, they’re family, Peg.

Peg: Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love them, Helen. I’m gonna support them, send them money when they need it.

Helen: How old are they now?

Peg: Sam is four and Jeremy is six.

[the NSA agents shake their heads and their panel closes]

Helen: Mmm, adorable.

Peg: Hmmm, how old are yours?

Helen: Nine, eleven.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he nods and summons the second agent again, mouthing “nine eleven”]

Peg: Nine and eleven. They grow up so fast.

Helen: Oh, they do. So, Peg, how is Henry?

[the NSA agents shake their heads again and their panel closes]

Peg: Oh, he’s good. Ooh! I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but since you’re my oldest friend, Henry just got a stock tip.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he grabs a pen and a pad of paper]

Helen: Ooh, how about it. Are you serious?

Peg: Yes. Let me just find where I put it. [she begins sorting through pieces of mail] Okay, where is this thing?

Helen: So, we went to the movies last week.

Peg: Oh, what did you see?

Helen: Uh, the cowboy movie, where the cowboys are in love.

Peg: Oh! Yeah, I’ve heard of this. What’s it called?

Helen: Oh, it’s, uh, oh, what is it?

Peg: Something on the Range?

Helen: No, no, Mountain something.

Peg: Oh, yeah, Mountain Men.

Helen: Yeah, mountain…no, that’s not it. Is it Back to the Mountain?

Peg: No, that’s not it.

NSA Agent: [impatiently] Yeah, it’s Brokeback Mountain!

Peg: Brokeback Mountain, that’s it.

Helen: That is it.

Peg: Oh, oh, oh! I found it. I found it.

Helen: Okay, Peg, shoot!

Peg: Okay, it is something called I-B-M.

Helen: [writing it down] Okay. Now, what do they do?

[the NSA agent starts to write it down, but upon realizing that it is the well-known company IBM, he crumples the paper and removes his headphones in disgust]

Peg: Who knows?

Helen: Well, I’ll tell you Peg, this new Medicare plan is a disgrace.

Peg: I know. Are we still on to blow up the White House?

Helen: Yes, absolutely. Let’s go over the plans one last time.

Peg: Okay. Now, from what I understand…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

An SNL Digital Short

Doug Brogar…..Jason Sudeikis
Young Chuck Norris…..Andy Samberg
Extras…..Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, Jorma Taccone, Amy Poehler

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to music video performed by Doug Brogar – close-up of Doug’s face on left side of the screen, with a long shot of him on stage on the right. Credits appear: “Doug Brogar – “#4: Young Chuck Norris” – Kung Fu Heros 1-12 – Dir. Doug Brogar” ]

Doug Brogar: [ spoken ]
“Legend has it he walks among us even now
A dreamer alone in a world between dreams and reality
Was he always a fighter?
Was he always a hero?
What do we make of the young Chuck Norris?”

[ the words bounce on the screen, as image of the young Chuck Norris appears next to Doug ]

Doug Brogar: [ singing ]
“Norris used his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with Mr. Bruce Lee
A master of kara-ta-ta-tee
And he kicked and he flipped some more
Back to Vietnam to settle the score
Don’t forget “Walker, Texas Ranger”
When he kicked and he punched his way from danger.

[ slower ]
But hey let’s turn back time to younger days (younger days)
Before all of the fame and mind games (mind games)
His deeds were no less great then
A man among other men
The legend of young Chuck Norris, yeah!

[ a mugger steals a woman’s purse, so Chuck jumps in and punches the mugger and the woman ]

[ up-tempo ]
Young Norris used his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet
He also ran and he jumped in the air
He was younger so he didn’t even care
Way before his Hollywood fame
He slapped and punched and he saw the famed name
He was known as Master Chuck
His last name was Norris and his first name was Chuck.

Round house kick (Chuck Norris)
Death hold grip (Chuck Norris)
Mustache lip (Chuck Norris)
Tender kiss (Chuck Norris)

[ slower ]
Fathers, let your daughters know
Dreams may come and dreams may go
But a man like Norris never dies
He lives forever in the children’s eyes.

[ up-tempo ]
Young Chuck Norris, this is my tribute to thee (to thee)
Live on great warrior into eternity (eternity)
Yeah, yeah!”

[ as the video finishes, Doug and young Chuck Norris hold their hands high in the air together, as Norris fades from existence. Doug looks over, as his American flag handkerchief falls to the stage ]

Submitted by: Daniel Solzman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Goodnights

…..Peter Sarsgaard

Peter Sarsgaard: Ladies and gentlemen – special thanks to The Strokes! Drew Barrymore – yeah! And the cast of crew of “Saturday Night Live.” Good night, everybody! And Sundance – I’m glad I’m not there!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Gays in Space

Space Creature…..Will Forte
Billiam…..Fred Armisen
Thad…..Chris Parnell
Givindy…..Kenan Thompson
Captain Trip Bunchkin…..Peter Sarsgaard
Maitre D’…..Bill Hader
Loretta…..Rachel Dratch
Judine…..Paula Pell
Lesbian…..Tina Fey
Ex-Boyfriend…..Finesse Mitchell
Paolo…..Jason Sudeikis
Pegasus Man…..Seth Meyers

[open on LOGO network logo with title: “Unbiased and Out”]

Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching LOGO, unbiased and out. At ten, “Kathy Griffin Live,” followed by an original LOGO feature, “False Positive,” starring Dan Pintauro. But first, “Gays in Space.”

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in black and silver 1970’s leisure wear-esque outfit while techno beat plays]

Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.

Male Chorus: Five.

Space Creature: Say what?

Male Chorus: Four.

Space Creature: Nuh-uh.

Male Chorus: Three.

Space Creature: Go ahead.

Male Chorus: Two.

Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick?

Male Chorus: One.

Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!

[dissolve to exterior of spacecraft with pink title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode Three,” “What on Earth is this all about, because that girl got all up in my business and is not her problem anyway”]

[spacecraft pulls up to an airlock in a space station as it opens to admit them]

Billiam: [voice over] Reduce thrusters.

Thad: [voice over] Reducing.

Givindy: [voice over] Be careful! We have landed.

[dissolve to interior of space station with four crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents]

Trip: Here we are, boys. My favorite space bar in the entire universe: Urge.

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: Urge!

[they turn and enter a doorway to an establishment where a muscular, half-naked man covered in silver paint is dancing]

Maitre D’: Do you have reservations?

Givindy: Oh, you know, I have so many, but I am still gonna drink here!

Maitre D’: I’m sorry, but there’s not a lot of room.

Thad: Well, how about in the back? [he points]

Maitre D’: Oh, it’s pretty tight back there.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Maitre D’: You’re not getting in here.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Trip: Move! [pushes to the front of the group] Let a real queen handle this. Listen up! You see this curl? [points to the curl at the front of his hairdo] When I get pissy, it starts to shake. And nobody wants to see that, because that will mean I’m a-boust to go off!

Maitre D’: Captain Trip Bunchkin?

Trip: Yeah.

Maitre D’: Oh, my God, I didn’t recognize you with that noodle curl. Please, come here, come in, come in. [he gestures them in]

Trip: Mmm-hmmm, that’s more like it. Show us where we can plop it, and get out.

[they are shown to a table in a corner, where they stand and call out to people not seen by the audience]

Billiam: Sharpshak-1, nice future boots. Hello.

Givindy: Oh, Globin, hey! You lost weight in your faces.

Thad: Tral! Tral! [he waves] Why is Tral acting like he doesn’t know me?

Trip: Oh, my God, here comes Loretta. [Loretta, a masculine woman with a mullet, wearing plaid and a vest, enters, accompanied with two similar women] Maybe she won’t see us. Oh, she did. Loretta! Get your little butt over here. What’s doing, ‘Retta?

Loretta: Well, me and the ladies just bought some land nearby on Planet Vaginoris.

Lesbian: We’re making our own soy-based soap up there. You guys should really check it out.

Givindy: Uh, you guys need to get a mirror and check yourselves out, because this fashion rocket [makes a finger squiggle] has failed to launch. [laughs] Okay! Did I just say that? Ooh, I’m sorry.

Billiam: [laughing] Are you trying to get us killed?

Loretta: Hey, at least we don’t get space botox.

Thad: Um, at least we’re not having a bad hair year.

[the third lesbian struggles to throw some punches, while Loretta and the other lesbian who spoke pull her back and away]

Loretta: It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.

[a minor chord sounds]

Trip: Oh! I’m about to have a full-on nervous breakdown, full-on. My ex-boyfriend just walked in. [a man in a black and silver suit enters with a younger man with spiky hair, visor shades, and a muscle tee-shirt] Everybody pretend we’re having a good time. Laugh really loud.

[all laugh]

Givindy: Oh, you are so funny. You are so funny.

[the two men approach]

Ex-Boyfriend: Trip, I almost didn’t recognize you. You got fat! [giggles]

Trip: Don’t you get me started, you vicious, vicious man!

Ex-Boyfriend: Zip it! This is my new boy-toy, Paolo.

Trip: Where’s he from, Uranus?

Ex-Boyfriend: [shouting] You miss it!

[other crewmen murmer]

Thad: She is much unhappy about this.

Trip: Hey, ass-chin, this drink’s on you! [throws his drink on Paolo]

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, you didn’t. [He rears up to jump at Trip] Oh, no, you– [Givindy shoots him with a ray gun and he freezes] Oh, you just gonna freeze me? That’s what you did? You just freeze me. You just gonna freeze me. You just so tired, I can’t stand you. [Trip forces Givindy’s hand down and he is unfrozen] Come on, Paolo, let’s get out of this nasty old star system. We are much, much better than this!

Paolo: Does my chin really look like an ass?

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, baby, it’s cute. I like that. Ass is good. Come with me.

Trip: Boys, as your captain, I order you to get back on the ship, because our R&R has just turned into D&D: drama and disaster.

[the get up and start to head for the door, but are stopped by a man with white, feathered wings and wearing black leather, accompanied by two others of same]

Pegasus Man: Excuse me. We’re from the planet Pegasus. Here are some space fliers for a party we’re hosting on our planet.

[he hands a flier to Billiam, who shows it to the others]

Billiam: Oh, let me see this. Mud baths. Oil massage. DJ Luscious–I like him. He’s great.

Thad: Um, does everyone on your planet look like you?

: No. They are bigger, sweatier, and naked-er.

Trip: And I wouldn’t want to go there, why?

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: To Planet Pegasus!

[all four put their hands together in the middle and lift them with a “Woo!”]

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from left]

Space Creature: Ooh-ooh / Outer space. / Mmm-mmm / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Whoah-oh-oh / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing better than Jupiter. / Ooh-oh-oh / Gays in Space.

[zoom into landscape above space creatures’s head, and pink title: “Gays in Space.”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Fairmont Suites Inn

Rick…..Peter Sarsgaard
Barb…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on dark hotel room, as Rick, a business man on a business trip, enters. The TV is on before he enters, playing the annoying promotional “Welcome to Fairmont Suites Inn” video. Rick turns on the lights and puts down his luggage. ]

[ a close-up of the video shows Barb Gavin of Hospitality speaking in a chipper, upbeat tone guaranteed to irritate a weary traveler ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport. To watch TV, hit “TV” now. [ a graphic of the remote control appears in her upper corner ] To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”, select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!

[ Rick attempts to turn the TV off manually, but nothing happens. He searches the drawer and other areas throughout the room for the remote. ]

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us. While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples! Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick sits on the bed and dials the number for the front desk ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Rick: Hey, I can’t find my TV remote? [ he’s placed on hold ]

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance? Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine. Wow! Look at those shrimp!

[ Rick sits on hold, as he waits for someone at the front desk to take his call ]

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator.

Rick: Yeah. Okay, well, if you can find one, can you send it up? That’d be great. Thank you. [ hangs up ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!”

Rick: Unless it’s a remote.

[ the spiel begins anew, as Rick removes his jacket and attempts to lie down across the bed ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located —

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is 9:21. ]

[ dissolve to the TV, as the advertisement starts over. It appears to be some time later in the evening. ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood —

Rick: [ wakes up from his nap ] Oh, thanks, Barb..!

Barb (on TV): — Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: [ sarcastically ] That’s good to know.

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.

Rick: Yeah, don’t rub it in, Barb.

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?” —

Rick: Oh! And porn, too, Barb. Don’t forget there’s porn in there!

Barb (on TV): — select the “Movies” button on your remote – now! Your enjoyment is important to us.

Traveler: You’re a liar, Barb!

Barb (on TV): While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples!

[ Rick jumps to his feet and jiggles the TV, hoping to be able to turn it off ]

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business?

Rick: [ exhausted ] Come on..

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick slaps the top of the TV set, as the picture accidentally disappears. He reaches around to the back of the TV to pull the wires, as Barb continues to deliver her pitch. ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun..? [ Rachel Dratch begins to crack-up from off-screen ]

[ Peter Sarsgaard also begins to crack-up just a bit ]

Rick: Yeah, dial-up internet! Is it 1994 already?

Barb (on TV): Try our Caliente Club Lounge..! [ trying to stifle her laughter ] For drinks and appetizers..!

Rick: Yeah, I really am!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: [ still trying to control his laughter ] Only in my women!

[ the image has now returned to the TV screen, and Rachel Dratch is laughing so hard that she’s on the verge of tears ]

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine!

Rick: Yeahh, it’s closed, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Wow!! Look at those shrimp!!

Rick: That is just rude, and you know it!

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator!

Rick: Fine! Don’t yell at me.

[ Rick retreats to his bed, as the top of a Stagehand’s head can be seen creeping across the bottom of the screen ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for?” [ she pauses in wait of his response ]

Rick: Shrimp! Porn! And an elevator!

[ Peter Sarsgaard shamelessly laughs out loud, knowing the next line of the spiel ]

Barb (on TV): “Great! We’ve got that!”

Rick: No, you don’t, Barb! [ Peter releases his laughter, knowing it’s not going to stop ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn..! [ laughs ] St. Louis-Hazelwood.

Rick: Yeah. [ stands up and walks back to the TV ]

Barb (on TV): [ starts over ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn — Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn! St. Louis-Hazelwood!

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is now 1:13. ]

[ cut back to Barb on the TV, purportedly later in the night. A “Video 1” tag mysteriously appears at the top left of the screen. ]

Barb (on TV): [ Rick mimics her spiel as she speaks ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70 —

Rick: Yeah! How many minutes does it take me to get to the airport?

Barb (on TV): Just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: Fan-tastic! That’s terrific news!

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.

Rick: Sure! [ throws his shoe at the TV screen ]

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits —

Rick: Hey, Barb! What do your tattoos say?

Barb (on TV): “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”.. select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!

Rick: Baaarb, I think I’m falling in love with you, do you love me?

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us —

Rick: Name three things I might find in your blood.

Barb (on TV): — now with free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples!

Rick: You’re a dirty bird, Barb, aren’t you?

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

Rick: I’m sorry, Barb. Hey – where can I meet a morbidly obese single mother of mixed race?

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Traveler: I crave human blood, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: Nooo! Human blood!

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine.

Rick: What did you say to your husband on your wedding night, Barb?

[ back on the TV screen, a strange series of numbers – “1080i59.94” appears across the top of the over Barb’s head ]

Barb (on TV): Wow! Look at those shrimp!

Rick: Oh. That must have been painful for you.

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and —

Rick: Yeah, well, what’s the best way to avoid AIDS?

Barb (on TV): — never use an elevator. [ Rick mimicks her again at this point ] Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say —

Together: “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!” / “Do you want to kill yourself?! Great! We can help!”

[ sitting at the edge of the bed, Rick wearily lowers his head across his knees. Another Stagehand’s head appears at the bottom left of the screen, to place the remote at the foot of the bed. Rick finally discovers the remote on the floor, picks it up and laughs joyously. He presses a button and turns the TV off. He seems relieved as he curls himself across the bed, but he can’t seem to get Barb off his mind, and, thus, flips the TV back on to watch her. ]

Rick: Dammit, Barb, I need you!

Barb (on TV): — free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples! I need you, too, Rick!

Rick: [ amazed ] What..?

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick moves closer to the TV and prepares to kiss Barb through the screen. Rachel Dratch moves in ahead of cue, as she and Peter licks their tongues across the screen. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Carol!

Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Efrem Herrington…..Peter Saasgaard
Waiter…..Bill Hader

(Opens with the outside of a museum loft number 530,dissolves to the inside of it)

Jim: Hey, congratulations on opening your new gallery.

Efrem: Thank you.

Jim: You’re welcome.

Efrem: Thank you. It’s a lifelong dream.

Amanda: Oh, sorry I’m late.

Jim: Honey, where you’ve been?

Amanda: I had to pick up a friend. Her car broke down.

Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Who?

(in comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, hey!, hey!

Amanda: Carol!

Carol: Bring on the whore d’ourves! Because this whoredeserves some food! I’M CAROL!!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and then poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(back to scene)

Amanda: Carol, yeah–

Carol: Oh, hi Jim.

Jim: Hi, Carol.

Amanda: Carol broke down on the west side highway.

Carol: Yeah, my Kia Spectra ran out of gas, I on theother hand have not. Does anyone have any Imodium AD?I’M CAROL!!

Efrem: Let me just go see if we have anything in theback.

Carol: Oh, no! You’re staying right here! Good thing Ionly had two dinners or else I wouldn’t have room forthis slice of beefcake. Who are you?

Amanda: Carol, this is Efrem Herrington. He owns thegallery.

Carol: Maui! Waui!, you put up all this paintingsyourself?

Efrem: Yes, I hung many of them with my own two hands.

Carol: Oohh! I’ll like to see how you’re hung with myown two hands!

Jim and Amanda: Carol.

Efrem: No, I find such forwardness to be most, howshould I put it? Intoxicating quality. It took myyears to mount this show.

Carol: Really, I’ll show you how to mount me in abouttwo seconds!

Efrem: Yes, quite. That’s what I was hoping you wouldsay. Your rapier wit delights me!

Carol: Oohh! Thank you.

Waiter: Would anyone like some pate? (brings tray)

Carol: Oh, yeah let me see. Don’t mind if I do.(startseating pate from cracker) Mmmmmmmmmm!! Uuuuughh!! Thistaste like cat food!!

Efrem: Oh, I do sincerely apologize, Carol.

Carol: Why? I love cat food!!

Efrem: You are truly ethereal!

Carol: Oh, thank you.

Jim: Okeydoke, how about I head over the bar and getus some drinks, all right?

Carol: Ok, yeah uuuummm. Let’s see what you can getme. Something simple. How about a Dannon Frusionsmoothie with a shot of rumplemintz up in there.

Jim: All right, you know I think we’re gonna need togo to the grocery store for that, Carol. But, let mesee what I can do.(Heads to the bar and is grabbedviolently by Carol)

Carol: BY SHOT I MEAN THE WHOLE BOTTLE!!

Jim: Oww, you’re crushing me.

Amanda: Let me give you a hand. (Amanda and Jim go tothe bar leaving Efrem and Carol alone)

Efrem: So Carol, let me into your world a little bit.What do you do?

Carol: I work for Oscar Meyer.

Efrem: The hot dog manufacturer.

Carol: Yeah, I drive around in that giant wienermobile. Yeah, I take it to state fairs and grocerystore openings.

Efrem: Oh, that must be exhilarating! Riding around inthat giant hot dog.

Carol: Not as exhilarating as riding on a giant hotdog!(lusty laugh)

Efrem: Carooool, you are a dream. I’ve seen some ofthe most beautiful works of art the world has to offerbut none of them can hold a candle to the shinninglight that emanates from your soul and the poetry thatcomes from your mouth.

Carol: Ooohh!! You talk like channel 13!

Efrem: PBS.

Carol: PBS?

Efrem: Yes, but my mind is on a different kind of PBS.(in her ear) My Protuding Bone Situation.

Carol: Whoooo!! Hoooo!!

Jim: Carol, here you go. No Dannon Frusion smoothiesoddly enough, they did have some rumplemintz so, knockyourself out.(gives her the bottle)

Carol: Ok, thank you.(gulps from the bottle)Mmmmmm,oooohhh!, ooooohhhh!(cracks up a little bit)I need touse the ladies room. You know what I mean?

Amanda: You need to powder your nose, Carol?

Carol: No, I’m gonna toke a spliffie and push one outin the handicap bathroom.

Efrem: I second that emotion. We are out of here. Andby out of here I mean if the ladies room is a-rockingdon’t come a-knocking. (leaves with Carol holdinghands, stops and comes back) Seriously, don’t knock ifyou hear us doing crazy stuff in there, just leave.Chin-chin(touch glasses)

Jim: Chin-chin.

Amanda: Oh, boy.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Nelson Baby Toupees

Mr. Nelson…..Bill Hader

[ open on various babies playing together in a nursery. Most of the babies have hair, except for one baby who sits off to the side. ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: The first months of a child’s life are a special time. As your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Unfortunately, this baby [ show the bald baby ] – and millions of other male babies just like him – spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: It’s a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add Male Infantile Baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status.

[ show bald baby sitting alone in the nursery ]

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Is that what you want for your child?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson walking through the science laboratory ]

Mr. Nelson: That’s why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these – baby toupees. [ show slide of three babies wearing toupees ] Thanks to our patented technology, and the cooperation of the Chinese government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby’s head. It’s fake hair with real results.

[ cut to the baby wearing a toupee ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Look at this child. Bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now look at him two weeks ago. [ show a Before photo, with no hair; dissolve to the After photo, with a toupee ] He’s like a brand new person. And the best part is: you can’t even tell it’s fake!

[ show the toupeed baby playing with the other babies in the nursery ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Hey, look at Mr. Popular! Now he’s king of the play date. He looks good, and he knows it. Isn’t that what every parent wants?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson standing ]

Mr. Nelson: I should know. I’m not only the President of Nelson’s Baby Toupees. [ a toupeed baby is handed to him ] I’m also a client.

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: Nelson’s Baby Toupees. Frmo the good people who brought you Baby Beards.

[ cut back to Mr. Nelson looking into the camera ]

Mr. Nelson: You gave him life. Now give him confidence.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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