…..Steve Martin …..Lorne Michaels …..Chris Parnell …..Alec Baldwin …..Jimmy Fallon
[ open on interior, Lorne Michaels’ office. Lorne is playing Snood on his computer as Steve Martin rushes in. ]
Steve Martin: Lorne! Lorne! We got the early ratings in, and they’re sky high! And the critics are already saying this is one of the funniest shows ever!
Lorne Michaels: That’s great!
Steve Martin: So.. so, I want to renegotiate my contract. I want more money!
Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] Can’t – can’t do it.
Steve Martin: Lorne, what-what did – what did you pay me the first time I hosted in 1976?
Lorne Michaels: $5,000?
Steve Martin: And what are you paying me now, in 2006?
Lorne Michaels: $5,000.
Steve Martin: I want five-thousand, five-hundred!
Lorne Michaels: Steve, I can’t do it. It sets a bad precedent.
Steve Martin: How much do you get per show?
Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] I don’t see how that —
Steve Martin: How much?! Come on, how much?!
Lorne Michaels: [ relunctantly ] $12 million.
Steve Martin: Does that seem fair to you?
[ Chris Parnell runs into the office ]
Chris Parnell: Steve! We need downstairs for the next sketch!
Lorne Michaels: [ coolly ] So what’s it going to be, Steve – the money, or the show must go on?
[ dramatic music pulses up, as the camera cuts between Steve, Chris and Lorne. Open-mouthed, Steve finally finds the nerve to give his answer: ]
Steve Martin: I’m not going on!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t push me, Steve. I have options.
[ a tense Steve turns his head to reveal a bruised and battered Alec Baldwin sprawled against the couch in Lorne’s office ]
Alec Baldwin: [ a wee bit woozy ] I’m ready, Boss.
[ Jimmy Fallon positions his head into frame next to Alec Baldwin ]
Jimmy Fallon: I’m ready, too, uh.. if he doesn’t want to — [ the audience cheers with excitement ]
Steve Martin: Damn you, Lorne Michaels! You know me too well! [ turns toward the door ] I’m going on! [ exits Lorne’s office ]
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy — uh.. we showed him, didn’t we, Alec?
Alec Baldwin: I want pie!
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, will you take him down to see the nurse? I think there may be head damage.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ to Alec ] Come on, buddy. Let’s go.
Alec Baldwin: Joey, I want pie!
Jimmy Fallon: [ stands Alec up and motions him toward the door ] We’ll get pie, yeah, we’ll get pie. Medicine pie.
[ the audience cheers as Steve Martin arrives at Home Base ]
Steve Martin: I — that’s alright, thank you! [ the audience continues to cheer ] Thank you. I-I’m Steve Martin, and I’m thrilled to be here hosting “Saturday Night live” for a record 14th time! This – this – this will be a very emotional night for me. [ mocks an emotional outburst ] It’s going to be hard to keep from crying! This is such a big week – I have “Pink Panther” opening next Friday.. but, to think, it was almost exactly thirty years ago to the day that I first hosted “Saturday Night Live” – today is February 4th, and it was February 5th, 1976, and I remember standing here thirty years ago doing my monologue, and I heard, backstage, Belushi and Aykroyd, and — no, wait. It was February 6th, sorry. And, behind me, I still hear Belushi — no, it was April. Sorry. April – it was April 11th. So, anyway, I was backstage, and I’m with Chevy — it was April 17th, I’m sorry. And Aykroyd comes up — no, it was not April, because I remember we had these heavy coats on. It was January. It was January 11th, and, uh.. Belushi comes down the hallway wearing some crazy outfit, and he said to me, “What are you doing for Christmas?” [ Steve stares blankly across the stage ] You know what? It was December – it was December 1980, now that I’m thinking about it. But – I just love that story.
You know, I was rummaging through my memory box, and I found some old photos of me and the cast, and I get so moved when I look into their faces. I would love to share these potoa with you. Can you show those, please? [ an old black-and-white picture of Steve ] There’s Laraine Newman.. [ dissolve to a black-and-white photo of Steve as Yortuk Festrunk ] Dan Aykroyd.. [ dissolve to another black-and-white photo of Steve ] And, of course, the great Chevy Chase.
But, you know, uh.. I enjoy the current cast so much, with, uh.. what’s-his-name.. and the other guy, and, uh.. the black guy – I think they’re great. But, uh, it’s the women of “SNL” that I enjoy the most, uh.. [ Steve’s Viagra clock re-appears on the screen; its rotation is more than half complete ] Let’s see, I’m thinking of.. Rachel, and.. Amy, uh.. Kristen.. Tina. But I’d like to welcome back Maya Rudolph – this is her first show back since October. Maya?
[ Maya Rudolph steps onto the stage and stands next to Steve ]
Maya Rudolph: It’s great to be back here.
Steve Martin: Well, you look great, you look absolutely great.
Maya Rudolph: Thank you so much. I just wanted to say, it’s such an unbelievable honor to work with you, you have no idea. I am just such a huge fan —
[ Steve’s Viagra clock completes its rotation, as a “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ]
Maya Rudolph: — I mean, since I was a kid. You’re one of my absolute heroes —
Steve Martin: [ feeling a little uncomfortable ] Yeah. Okay, well, thank you. Thank you for coming by. [ Maya exits the stage ] You know what, let’s just keep this moving. We’ve got a great musical guest tonight, it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Prince is here. So, stick around, and we’ll be right back. [ yet another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Yeah! Okay..
[Opens with Steve Martin walking around in a two-toned brown room while talking on his cell phone]
Steve Martin: No, no, no, Ill be home by morning. Im just doing this, uh, corporate gig, I dont know, some corporation, I dont know. I just do ten minutes of old stuff, you know, take a few pictures, they pay me a ton of money and they give me a private jet and I fly home. Yeah, it is pretty wonderful being Steve Martin. I miss you, too. I love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye, Britney Spears.
[The Hamas leaders, laughing excitedly, walk into the room]
Hamas Leader #1: Mr. Martin, Mr. Steve Martin!
[The four excitedly shake hands and exchange greetings]
Hamas Leader #1: We are so excited to have you hear. This is going to be a great event. This is a great day for Hamas!
Steve Martin: Hamas?
Hamas Leader #1: Yes, I cant believe the week we are having! First, we win the election, which Hamas Leader #2: We did not think we would win!
Hamas Leader #3: We are totally jazzed!
Hamas Leader #1: And then the great Steve Martin agrees to perform at our celebration party!
Steve Martin: The celebration party for Hamas? Yknow, I didnt realize thats what tonights event was about; Im not sure if Im the appropriate entertainment for a Hamas party.
Hamas Leader #1: Dont be ridiculous, you are a giant star in Palestine; we love all three of your movies, uh, The Jerk, uh, The Man with Two Brains, uh
Hamas Leader #3: The Muppet Movie!
Steve Martin: Well, Ive been in dozens of movies since then.
Hamas Leader #2: Those are the only three that have opened here so far uh, but the previews for My Blue Heaven look hilarious!
Hamas Leaders: [nod and comment in agreement]
Steve Martin: Thank you, thats very sweet.
Hamas Leader #1: Oh, you are a hero here for you comic genius, your ability to play tender moments, and your well-known hatred for the state of Eesrael!
Steve Martin: Whuh-oh, whoa, I do not hate the state of Israel!
Hamas Leader #1: Thats not what we read in Star Magazine!
Steve Martin: Star Magazine? They get everything wrong! They said I sleep in a coffin!
Hamas Leader #1: Eeh, you are perfect host for Hamas: A Victory Celebration!
Hamas Leader #3: Live on Al-Jazeera!
Steve Martin: Live on I didnt know this was gonna be televised!
Hamas Leader #1: Yes, yes, of course, thats why your agent said we had to pay the extra 500,000 dollars!
Steve Martin: Oh, right, yeah. What time do I go on?
Hamas Leader #1: Twenty minutes. Youre on after Toby Keith.
Hamas Leader #2: Do you have some jokes about Fatah [Palestines largest political party]? Oh, I cannot wait! I bet you got some crazy jokes about Fatah!
Steve Martin: Well, I do usually just do my act, I got some King Tut stuff; thats Egyptian, you know
Hamas Leader #2: Oh, you know what would be so great? If you could mention Hachmed Halach!
[All three eagerly laugh in agreement]
Hamas Leader #3: Ohh, that would be hilarious!
Hamas Leader #2: You could reference the time that his device failed to detonate!
Hamas Leader #3: [somewhat unintelligible] Oh, you gotta do it, you gotta do it!
Hamas Leader #2: He also loves golf!
Hamas Leader #3: Oh, he does, he does.
Steve Martin: Yeah, I dont really do special material, so
Hamas Leader #1: Look, uh, well give you an extra 20,000 dollars.
Steve Martin: [takes out his checkbook] Whats his name?
Hamas Leader #2: [emphatically] Hachmed
Steve Martin: Yeah?
Hamas Leader #2: Halach.
Steve Martin: Halach. Okay, I thought you guys were broke.
Hamas Leader #1: Eh.
Hamas Leader #2: Broke-eesh.
Hamas Leader #1: Uh, listen, were going to leave you alone to get into your comedy head space, you know
Steve Martin: No, Im good, thanks, uh, but when you introduce me, can you say, uh, star of Pink Panther, in theatres everywhere? Is that too weird? Is that okay?
Hamas Leader #3: [annoyed] Yeah, we got it, man. Your agent told us like ten times already.
Steve Martin: [to himself] Okay, on one hand [holds up one fist], I become known as an anti-Semite, on the other hand [holds up the other hand], I get to promote Pink Panther. What would the studio want?
[Fade to footage of a Hamas rally/outdoor event]
V/O: [speaking in Arabic/somewhat unintelligible English] heeeeeeres Steve Martin!
[Steve runs onstage in front of a group of gun-toting males dressed in stereotypical guerrilla-type attire]
Steve Martin: Thank you, thanks very much! What a great, great crowd! You know, as a comic I love playing Palestine cause when you bomb in America they boo you, but when you bomb here you get 72 virgins!
[The crowd goes wild; someone shoots his machine gun several times]
Steve Martin: Thank you You know, the other day I was golfing with Akmed Halach and [crowd goes wild again]
[Fade out]
Submitted by: Carolyn Brown
[Note: Akmed Halach, not Hachmed Halach, is the Syrian ambassador to the UAE.]
[ return from commercial with close-up bumper of Steve Martin sitting next to a cockatiel, each with hair standing on end ]
[ dissolve to Steve, Prince and the cast standing at Home Base. The opening credit tag “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels” is already on the screen; Steve stands solemn, not sure what to make of it, while Prince smiles and tries not to laugh. The tag dissolves away, and Steve finally discovers he can deliver his final lines for the show. ]
Steve Martin: Oh! [ everyone in the crowd laughs and acts surprised ] Thanks to.. Prince! [ everyone screams “Yeah!” ] Alec Baldwin! Jimmy Fallon! [ steps aside so we can see: ] Tamar! I had a great time, see you again!
Brian Williams 3000…..Seth Meyers Chris Matthews……Darrell Hammond President George Q. Bush…..Will Forte Vice-President…..Bill Hader Speaker……Horatio Sanz Hillary Clintron 1…..Rachel Dratch Hillary Clintron 2…..Amy Poehler
[ open on fururistic news logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching NBC News coverage of the State of the Galaxy Address, January 31st, 2145. And now, the Brian Williams 3000.
[ dissolve to Brian Williams 3000 in the news studio ]
Brian Williams 3000: Good evening, I’m the Brian Williams 3000. The Tom Brokaw 2600 is being repaired. Tonight, President of Earth George Q. Bush will address the planet with his State of the Galaxy Address. We’re joined now by a hologrammed Chris Matthews. Chris, what can we expect from the President tonight?
[ cut to a hologrammed Chris Matthews ]
Chris Matthews: Well, President Bush continues to face criticisms — he’s facing criticism for the war on Pluto! It’s been seven years! It’s becoming clear Pluto has no ties to Al-Quaeda! These are the same problems that plagued his father’s presidency, as well as his grandfather’s, his great-grandfather’s, both uncles, and all of his six cousins!
Brian Williams 3000: So, what’s your gut feeling, Chris?
Chris Matthews: It’s hard to say, as I don’t technically have a gut!
Brian Williams 3000: [ to viewers ] And it looks like President Bush is now entering the Expedia.com U.S. Capitol Building. We take you there now.
[ dissolve to President George W. Bush stepping to the front of the room to thunderous applause ]
President George Q. Bush: Good evening. In this next year, the Federation of Earth will be called upon to show our strength… and stay the course. If we can do that… I say, firmly… that the state of the galaxy is strong. And, together… we will make it stronger.
[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: Freedom in our galaxy, continues to spread. The planet Jupiter just held presidential elections for the very… first… time.
[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: Unfortunately, the creatures of Jupiter elected the radical Flurgon Party, who have promised to destroy Earth within the year.
[ the Speaker clumsily stands up and claps alone, until he realizes his error ]
President George Q. Bush: But there is good news in the war against terrorism. We are very… close… to capturing… Osama bin Laden.
[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: It is finally time for our planet to address our energy crisis. The sun is almost gone, and we are addicted to the sun. No one saw this coming. No one. And no one is blaming anyone… but, basically… if you can avoid using electricity, that would be great! Okay?
[ he awkwardly claps his own hands a couple of times, desperately looking around for someone to join his chorus ]
President George Q. Bush: No? Okay. [ continuing ] I want to congratulate Congress, for putting aside bipartisan issues to pass the Social Security bill. Now our nation’s elderly need never worry again about their golden years. As of next week, every American over 50… will be launched into the deepest recesses of space.
[ applause ]
[ the elderly Vice-President jumps to his feet and runs from the stage ]
President George Q. Bush: We must applaud the Army Corps of Engineers… who, last month, finished building the levees that will protect New Orleans from Category 5 hurricanes. As for the Category 12 hurricane, now battering the Gulf Coast… [ shrugs ] Well, what are ya’ gonna do?
[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: So, uh — thank you. So, in summary… things are looking up! You know? We’ve made some mistakes, but, uh… we’re working hard! Real hard! Good night… and God bless.
[ applause ]
[ dissolve back to Brian Williams 3000 ]
Brian Williams 3000: When we return, a response from the opposition by Hillary Clintron.
[ reveal the twin Hillary Clintrons ]
Hillary Clintron: GOOD TO BE HERE, BRIAN!!
Brian Williams 3000: You’re watching NBC Nightly News — on Fox.
Midge Hartzinger…..Rachel Dratch Jack Patrick…..Steve Martin
[open on a woman’s hands building a wooden bird feeder]
Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.
[title: “Naturally Crafting”]
[the shot pulls out to show the woman building the bird feeder, and she has very bushy hair and is wearing a loose button-down shirt with a vest]
Midge: Hello and welcome to “Naturally Crafting.” I’m your host, Midge Hartzinger, and I’m just putting the finishing touches on a bird feeder here–made entirely with natural glues. [she sets it down on the table, and it immediately falls over] I’ll just fix that later. Well, I’m extremely honored to welcome Mr. Jack Patrick to the show. He’s gonna show us how to fashion a heart shaped pinecone wreath for Valentine’s Day. Come on in, Jack!
Jack: Hi, Midge! [he enters holding some reeds and leaves, and is wearing a plaid flannel shirt and a long ponytail]
Midge: Oh! Jack, tell us at home: how are Valentine’s Day wreaths different from Christmas wreaths?
Jack: Instead of circles, they are shaped as hearts. [he sets the items he brought down on the table next to some pinecones]
Midge: Hmmm, what woman wouldn’t be overjoyed to receive an original Jack Patrick wreath for Valentine’s Day? Now, what do we need to get started?
Jack: Well, just some braches, some pinecones, acorns, dried flowers, anything organic.
Midge: Mmm, you know, wreaths are the perfect way to liven up a home in cold weather. You know, with the nor’easter blowing in, Jack, you might not be able to drive back to Shelburne before nightfall. [chuckles]
Jack: [chuckles] I think I can make it. I got snow chains on the car.
Midge: Well, I’m just saying, if you need to, you can crash right here at Craft Holler.
Jack: [chuckles] Well, thanks, Midge, but I won’t need to. I’ve driven in way worse storms than this, so I don’t see any reason why I would need to crash here at Crash Holler.
Midge: Craft Holler.
Jack: Craft Holler.
Midge: Now, if you did end up having to crash, we could just sleep in my featherbed, you know, heads at opposite ends, of course. I’ve got lots of quilts. We could even make some hot toddies.
Jack: Well, show’s only a half hour, and it hasn’t really started snowing yet, has it? So I don’t think I’ll need to crash here at Craft Holler.
Midge: Yeah, you’re probably right, but I’m just saying “Mi craft casa es su craft casa,” so feel free to crash.
Jack: Yeah, but I definitely won’t need to. Thanks anyway, Midge. So, okay. First thing you want to do here is start twisting your branches. Make sure they’re not to brittle. [he takes a branch in his hands and begins twisting it]
Midge: Okay, that’s gonna be a great wreath. Jack, do you ever us flowers in your valentine wreath?
Jack: Oh, excellent question, Midge, but some people like to use roses but I just like to–
Midge: If it were to really start snowing, I mean really coming down, you know, and you did have to crash here at Craft Holler, we could just watch the snow fall, sit by the fire, I could maybe bust out the mandolin and in the morning I could make my famous pumpkin pancakes.
Jack: Well, I’m sure they’re delicious but, again, I got my truck and it’s a four-wheel drive, and I got my cell phone, a CB, full-on army-grade survival kit in the cab, as well as a week’s supply of potable water.
Midge: Hmmm, and that means?
Jack: So I will be able to get out of here, even in the deepest of snows. So believe you me, a night will not be spent here at Craft Holler! [turns from Midge back to the camera] Of course, we don’t have a thing to do, like, the whole thing, but we do have a finished product right here.
[Jack reaches under the table and pulls out a completed heart shaped wreath]
Midge: Yes. You know–ooh. One of the nicest things about a snowstorm is the snuggle factor. Don’t you think, Jack? Snuggle factor?
Jack: [sets the wreath down] You know, Midge, you’re doing it again.
Midge: I’m just gonna slip into something a bit more comfortable. Would you excuse me for a moment?
Jack: Midge, you know you’re still on tape, right? Look, Midge, I am onto your game! And I have let passion get in the way of my crafting too many times. Now my only lady friend is my hot-glue gun. [he holds up a hot-glue gun] [Midge returns, holding a mandolin and wearing a maroon sweater, a brown wool jacket, a purple knitted scarf, and mittens that match the scarf] Whoah!
Midge: Ah, that’s more like it.
Jack: [nearly growling] Midge!
Midge: Yes?
Jack: You look so lovely when you’re not in your crafting clothes.
Midge: Well, I have another side, Jack; I’m not just about crafting. Though I am mostly about crafting. [she flings the end of her scarf over her shoulder]
Jack: Midge, are those boiled wool mittens?
Midge: Hand-loomed.
Jack: Good God, control yourself, Jack Patrick! Control yourself! [he stalks towards the door] Farewell to you, Midge! [he opens the door and is met by blowing snow, and closes the door without leaving]
Midge: So, the toddies, then?
Jack: Yes! [he saunters towards her] Damn you, Midge. [he rips off his flannel shirt to reveal red long johns] Damn you, Craft Holler!
[Midge grabs Jack and they quickly fall to the floor before the clothing they were both wearing is seen being thrown up into the air as the theme song plays]
Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.
An SNL Digital Short: Close Talkers Written by: Will Forte
Gary…..Steve Martin Ben…..Will Forte
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to what appears to be a hotel lobby, with a buffet table set up in the middle. Gary and Ben stand on opposite ends of the table, occasionally looking up at one another. They each seem to recognize the other. ]
[ soft, twinkling piano music pots up as Gary and Ben take one hard look at one another, then take a step toward one another, until they are face-to-face as though contemplating embracing for a kiss, until: ]
Ben: Gary? How are you?
Gary: Ben? I thought that was you! Hi!
Ben: It has been so long! You look great!
Gary: Not as good as you look!
Ben: Gary, thank you for saying that, because I’ve been feeling very insecure lately, and that comment is just what the doctor ordered.
Gary: That was an easy prescription to fill.
Ben: There’s that ol’ sense of humor!
Gary: I’m not joking. You look great.
[ the soft, twinkling piano music pots up again ]
Gary: Thank you.
[ an uncomfortable moment, as: ]
Ben: So, uh.. you’re standing a little closer than usual.
Gary: [ defensive ] What are you implying?
Ben: I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?
Gary: You know what?
Ben: What?!
Gary: All of a sudden, I have to go!
Ben: Then, all of a sudden – go!
Gary: Fine!
Ben: Fine!
[ they storm away from one another. The soft, twinkling piano music pots up again, as Ben stops and turns back. ]
Ben: Wait! Gary!
[ they walk back to one another, stopping with their lips barely an inch apart ]
Gary: What?
Ben: Sorry. It’s just, I was a little upset with the distance, and I lashed out.
Gary: What if I move back a little?
Ben: That would be great.
[ Gary doesn’t move an inch ]
Gary: How’s this?
Ben: Great! That’s great! [ a beat ] Well, I’d better get going. Give my best to Denise and the kids.
Gary: Will do. Oh, and Ben?
Ben: Yeah?
Gary: [ changes his mind ] Nothing.
Ben: Okay. I’ll see you later.
[ they turn away from one another, then Gary stops and turns his head back ]
Gary: Hey, Ben?
Ben: [ stops, turns his gaze to reveal a look of innocent longing ] Yeah?
Gary: Keep in touch.
Ben: Yeah. Let’s grab dinner sometime.
[ cut to wide shot, the two men on opposite edges of the screen ]
Wife…..Amy Poehler Husband…..Steve Martin Spokesman…..Chris Parnell
[ open on couple trying to balance their checkbook ]
Wife: (sighs) I just can’t get these numbers to add up.
Husband: Like we’re never going to get out of this hole.
Wife: Credit card debt, does it ever end?
Spokesman: [walks in] Maybe I can help.
Husband: We sure could use it.
Wife: We’ve tried debt consolidation companies.
Husband: We’ve even taken out loans to help make payments.
Spokesman: Well, you’re not the only ones. Did you know that millions ofAmericans live with debt they cannot control? That’s why I developed thisunique new program for managing your debt. It’s called [presents book]”Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford.”
Wife: Let me see that… [grabs book, reads] “If you don’t haveany money, you should not buy anything.” Hmm, sounds interesting
Husband: Sounds confusing.
Wife: I don’t know honey, this makes a lot of sense. There’s a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you save.
Husband: Give me that… [grabs book, looks at it] And where would you get this saved money?
Spokesman: I tell you where and how in Chapter 3.
Wife: Ok, so what if I want something but I dont’ have any moneySpokesman: You don’t buy it.
Husband: Well let’s say I don’t have enough money to buy something. Should I buy it anyways?
Spokesman: No-o-o-o.
Husband: Now I’m really confused!
Spokesman: It’s a little confusing at first.
Wife: Well what if you have the money, can you buy something?
Spokesman: Yes.
Wife: Now take the money away. Same story?
Spokesman: Nope. You shouldn’t buy stuff when you don’t have the money.
Husband: I think I got it. I buy something I want, and then hope that I can pay for it right?
Spokesman: No. You make sure you have money, then you buy it.
Husband: Oh, THEN you buy it. But shouldn’t you buy it before you have the money?
Spokesman: No-o-o-o.
Wife: Why not?
Spokesman: It’s in the book. It’s only one page long. The advice is priceless andthe book is free.
Wife: Well, I like the sound of that.
Husband: Yeah, we can put it on our credit card.
Spokesman: [shakes head]
Announcer: So get out of debt now, write for your free copy of “Don’t BuyStuff You Cannot Afford.” If you buy now you’ll also receive, “Seriously,If You Don’t Have the Money, Don’t Buy It!” Along with a 12-monthsubscription to “Stop Buying Stuff Magazine.” So order today!
Woman…..Amy Poehler Man…..Will Forte Voice Over…..Kristen Wiig
[open on a couple walking through a park, depicted in muted tones, with string-heavy classical music playing]
Voice Over: This Valentine’s Day, give her something she’ll never forget. [birds fly overhead] A gift that not only says, “I love you,” [the couple walk down steps] but “I know you.” [they walk past a puddle] Show her she means the world to you, by giving her the only thing as unique and exquisite as she is. The perfect way to say, “Our love is eternal.” [they sit by a fountain] The gift that whispers, “Be mine forever.” [he kneels and gives her a bright red box] A teddy bear holding a heart. [we see the box from her perspective, and it contains such a teddy bear, and she is delighted] The gift that says, “I put a lot of time and thought into this. I’ve known that Valentine’s Day was coming for quite some time now. It did not sneak up on me.” [dissolve to the bear in its box surrounded by red fabric, with flowers falling all around it, and with a small, red heart logo reading “A Teddy Bear Holding a Heart,” and dissolve back to the park, where women sitting nearby are excited to see the gift the woman has received] Deep emotions can’t always be expressed in words. [he holds her as they twirl around and around, her outstretched hand holding the bear as she looks lovingly at it] But when you hand her a teddy bear holding a heart, she’ll know exactly what you mean to her. [they kiss] A teddy bear holding a heart. [dissolve to the box as seen before, with logo, and with title: “Available almost anywhere”] Available literally almost anywhere. Book stores, Hallmark’s, drug stores, Wal-Mart, 7-11, I’m guessing wherever you buy milk.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 4th, 2006 Steve Martin Prince None Kelly Ripa Alec Baldwin Michael Anthony Lorne Michaels Jimmy Fallon Scarlett Johansson Brian Williams Gideon Yago Conan O’Brien Tamar Liz Cackowski An SNL Digital ShortSummary: While initiating an affair with Kelly Ripa, Steve Martin pop a Viagra pill and learns that Alec Baldwin is hosting “SNL” tonight and will tie his record. Thus begins the short film, “The Sabotage of Baldwin”, as Steve – whose Viagra clock is ticking – rushes to Studio 8-H to defend his title, even if that means knocking Lorne Michaels out cold and dropping Alec’s body to the ice skating rink seven floors below. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph finally returns to the show following her maternity leave. Note: Paula Pell officially returns to the writing staff after the sitcom “Thick & Thin” fails to get picked up as a midseason replacement.
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Now hosting SNL for the 14th time, Steve reflects back on an amusing incident from the first episode he hosted, if he could only remember when that was. He also shows off supposed photos of the original cast, then announces Maya Rudolph’s return to the show. First Hosted: 76e. Transcript
A Teddy Bear Holding a HeartSummary: Not only is the little bear holding a heart available just about anywhere in the world, but, when used as a gift, it also shows that a man has put a lot of thought into his woman’s Valentine’s Day gift. Transcript
OprahSummary: A similar scandal breaks out on oprah Winfrey’s (Maya Rudolph) show when Stone Freeman (Steve Martin), author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean”, is revealed to have written false memoirs. Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey. Transcript
Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot AffordSummary: Buy the author’s (Chris Parnell) new book, and you’ll never go into debt by buying useless merchandise again. Transcript
Hamas Celebration PartySummary: Steve Martin finds himself in the middle of a publicity conflict when he unknowingly agrees to perform stand-up at a Hamas rally, where the Hamas officials (Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers, Bill Hader) have mistaken him for an anti-Semite. But a gig’s a gig, and Steve is under contract to promote “The Pink Panther” through any means necessary. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Gary (Steve Martin) runs into his old friend, Ben (Will Forte), and the two engage in an up-close, face-to-face conversation in a short film titled “Close Talkers.” Note: Though Will Forte’s character is referred to as “Ben” throughout the short film, Steve Martin’s character calls him “Tim” at the very beginning. Transcript
Quick Zoom TheatreSummary: The intensity of a dramatic scene is heightened by frequent quick zooms. Transcript
Prince performs “A Woman Scorned”First Performed: 80k.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerNote: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler present the news alone, with no guest commentaries.
Super Bowl XL RehearsalsSummary: Musical performers Aaron Neville (Horatio Sanz), Aretha Franklin (Kenan Thompson) and Dr. John (Jason Sudeikis) are more interested in eating than rehearsing their numbers for the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Recurring Characters: Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin. Transcript
Lorne’s OfficeSummary: Steve Martin rushes into Lorne Michael’s to tell him the buzz is that the ratings are through the roof, so he’d like more money for his hosting gig. Lorne won’t renegotiate, but will be happy to let the recovering Alec Baldwin or Jimmy Fallon assume Steve’s duties. Transcript
Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) behaves in his usual eccentric way while welcoming his personal chef (Steve Martin) and Drew Barrymore (Kristin Wiig) to the show. Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Drew Barrymore. Note: Despite having the perfect opportunity when Fred Armisen mimed in front of the mirror, the real Prince did not make an appearance in the sketch.
State of the Galaxy 2145Summary: A glimpse to the year 2145 reveals that little has changed; on the contrary, things are just more intense: President George Q. Bush (Will Forte) talks about the sun’s dwindling energy supply during his State of the Galaxy address, and the new Category 5 levees in New Orleans are no match for a Category 12 hurricane battering the Gulf Coast. Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Chris Matthews. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Tangent”, a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date endlessly rambles on about the minutiae of his life, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. Throughout his spiel, he’s discovered by a casting agent (Bill Hader), stars in a movie with Scarlett Johansson, hits the talk show circuit, and is eventually dumped back where he was found when his rambling finally annoys his manager (Chris Parnell). Note: This digital short originally appeared in the dress rehearsals for episodes hosted by Scarlett Johansson and Peter Sarsgaard. Transcript
SurfersSummary: Young surfers try to give the hint that middle-aged ? ? (Steve Martin) is not welcome in their group, but he just can’t seem to take a hint. Transcript
Prince, featuring Tamar, performs “Beautiful Love (3121)”
Naturally CraftingSummary: Natural crafter Midge Harzinger (Rachel Dratch) makes it clear that she wants her guest, craftsman Jack Patrick (Steve Martin), to spend the night during a blizzard. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Monet’s HaystacksSummary: Claude Monet’s (Bill Hader) agent (Steve Martin) advises that he should paint other masterpieces besides haystacks.
Dad JokesSummary: Dad’s (Steve Martin) lamest jokes are all available in this new book.
Bank LoanSummary: A drunk couple (Steve Martin, Amy Poehler) try to get approved for a bankloan.
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