For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy
Goodnights
…..Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman: Thank you to Fall Out Boy.. Dennis Haysbert.. the cast and crew for making me feel so at home.. my mom and dad – thank you! Good night!
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy
TV Funhouse: Belated Black History Moment
…..Dennis Haysbert
[open on title screen: “Belated Black History Moment”]
[dissolve to Dennis Haysbert walking forward on a sparse set with still images from cartoons featuring token black characters]
Dennis Haysbert: I’m Dennis Haysbert. For years, African Americans were reduced to minor roles in children’s cartoons. [dissolve to still from “Josie and the Pussycats,” including Valerie, who is black] Token characters, as they were called, [dissolve to still from “G.I. Joe” with four soldiers, including one who is black] were merely symbols meant to indicate diversity, and entirely inconsequential. [dissolve to studio] That all changed in 1992, when the American Broadcasting Company aired “Token Power,” [he approaches an easel with a still from “Token Power”] the first cartoon with an all token black cast. Finally, the token black was front and center.
[dissolve to title sequence]
Singers: [Franklin, Valerie, and Winston ride in the Token Cruiser] Token power! Token blacks! [the three characters are shown in a split screen with the logo “TP” in the middle] Celebrate the token blacks! [Franklin appears on a colored background] Well Franklin is the darkest friend of Charlie Brown [Franklin swings on a rope and knocks out a one-eyed robot that has grabbed Valerie], and [Valerie appears on a colored background] Valerie’s the Pussycat who never lets you down [Valerie trips a ghoulish creature that is chasing her, Franklin, and Winston], and [Winston appears on a colored background] Winston the Ghostbuster only has a line or two [Winston uses his proton pack to stop a giant green creature from menacing Franklin and Valerie], but when he gets to speak it’s really quite a Negro coup. Token power! [a mad scientists lowers the Tokens into a shark tank, but Valerie throws her tambourine at one of the sharks] Token blacks! Segregation tokens! [the Tokens rush onto a golf course and hold a “TP” flag in one of the holes] Utopia of token blacks! [the Tokens appear in front of their logo]
Dennis Haysbert: [voice over] In each episode, the Token Blacks would attempt to correct racial injustices.
[Valerie plays her tambourines while Winston rests on the couch]
Franklin: [arriving with newspaper] Hey, Tokens, did you hear? The mayor wants to stop the Million Man March because he thinks there’ll be a riot. Good grief!
Valerie: Wow, sounds like the soul brothers need our help.
Winston: [standing] But Tokens, we’re only supposed to be around white people. And off to the left.
Franklin: We’ve taken enough from Whitey. Let’s hit the Token Cruiser. [“TP” logo flashes, and cut to the Tokens in the Token Cruiser and landing near the Capitol in Washington, DC] Good grief, the National Guard!
Valerie: And one of them’s a soul brother.
[Lieutenant Jack Flap from “Beetle Bailey” approaches the Token Cruiser]
Lt. Flap: Hey, Pussycat, you’re sweet like bear meat. When am I gonna get all up in there?
Valerie: I love your natural. [points to his hair]
Lt. Flap: Hey, baby girl. Drop it like it’s hot. Pick it up when it’s cold.
[Franklin takes the microphone from a podium where Louis Farrakhan is speaking, surrounded by Fruit of Islam bodyguards]
Franklin: Everyone, let’s show the honky men why we’re angry!
Winston: I think Elvis put it best. [singing] On a cold and grey Chicago morning…
Tokens: [singing] A poor little baby child is born in the ghetto. [the crowd is stunned] And his momma cried.
[the Tokens begin to choke and the remaining lyrics are unintelligible]
Franklin: Can’t…breathe.
Valerie: Too…many…black…people.
Winston: Must…be…off…to the left.
[the crowd throws trash at the Tokens, who all collapse]
Dennis Haysbert: [voice over] The tokens could always be saved by Bryant Gumbel…
[The CBS eye flies to the Capitol and Bryant Gumbel appears within it]
Bryant Gumbel: Quick, get in the eye!
Dennis Haysbert: [voice over] …who would carry them away in the CBS eye [all four fly away in the eye] and off to the Palm steakhouse.
[Bryant and the Tokens are at a restaurant, surrounded by white people]
Bryant Gumbel: Promise me: no more uptown stuff. Okay, Tokens?
Valerie: We learned our lesson, Bryant. Harlem’s neat, but it sure feels good to be the only black people again.
Bryant Gumbel: Hello? I’m here, too!
Winston: Huh? Oh, yeah!
[they all laugh]
[dissolve to studio]
Dennis Haysbert: Sadly, “Token Power” was ahead of its time, and a huge piece of crap. It was quickly cancelled. But its impact was felt when, in 1993, CBS brought the fully dimensional African American character to children’s television with their cartoon adaptation of “Driving Miss Daisy.”
[dissolve to title sequence]
Singers: [Daisy buckles her seatbelt and Hoke drives the car up into the air, and a blue cat is seen in the car as well] Driving Miss Daisy [the car flies through the air around the Eiffel Tower] all over the world. [a general directs gunmen after Hoke, Daisy, and the cat as they run into a stone structure in a desert] Taking down bad guys [a samurai swings a sword] that’ll make your hair curl. [a mummy comes to life, and Hoke jumps into Daisy’s arms] Driving Miss Daisy [Hoke plays a keyboard; Daisy, tambourines; the cat, drums], who knows where they’ll go? [Daisy and the cat hold onto Hoke as he swings on a vine] ‘Cause anything can happen [an Egyptian pharoh uses a rod shaped like a snake to command cobras while Hoke, Daisy, and the cat slide down the side of a pyramid to flee the mummy before they take off in the car again] on the Hoke & Daisy show! [Hoke and Daisy on title screen: “Hoke & Daisy Show,” and the cat appears and laughs]
[dissolve to studio, with Dennis Haysbert now standing near a still from “The Hoke & Daisy Show” on an easel]
Dennis Haysbert: Regrettably, “The Hoke & Daisy Show” was ahead of its time, and a humongous, steaming bowl of elephant piss. It lasted but one episode, but it paved the way for another brave step when, in 1994, the Warner Brothers’ “Kids WB” introduced the first cartoon highlighting not African Americans, but an all African ensemble, in “Ladysmith Black Mambazo In Outer Space.” [he steps over to a still from that program]
[dissolve to title sequence with African chanting]
Singers: [A rocket takes off with the Ladysmith Black Mambazo on board. A tiny green alien pulls up on the controls. A giant orange alien laughs. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo runs from laser fire across an alien landscape. A green alien with a pink collar on his unifor skulks away with a gold record. The rocket ship is held in palce by a blue field generated by a green ship. A green alien launches the Ladysmith Black Mambazo out into space after trapping them in a transparent tube. An ice-blue alien in a red and royal blue uniform presses a button on a control panel and shoots more laser fire at the Ladysmith Black Mambazo, who run back across the alien landscape in the opposite direction. The members of the Ladysmith Black Mambazo are shown with their names: Misizi, Mthembu, Mazibuko, Jabulani, Thulani, Thamsanqa, Sibongiseni, Abednego, Shabablala. A green singularity appears in front of the rocket ship. The tiny green alien pulls up on the controls and the rocket ship returns to space. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo performs on a stage. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo runs from laser fire across an alien landscape in the same direction as before. An alien with a head that looks like a cucumber attempts to converse with the Ladysmith Black Mambazo, consulting an English to African dictionary. The Ladysmith Black Mambazo runs from a giant yellow alien, fleeing into a cave opening that is smaller than the alien]
[African chanting, with title screen] Ladysmith Black Mambazo in outer space.
Dennis Haysbert: Lamentably, “Ladysmith Black Mambazo In Outer Space” sucked it hard. For “Belated Black History Moments,” I’m Dennis Haysbert.
[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy
A Message From the President of the United States
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, White House ]
Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers ] As you may know, I have just returned from a long – and successful – trip to India and Pakistan. I also made a surprise visit to Afghanistan – which no one knew about – until I did it. Of course, I knew about the surprise the whole time – but I never let on. I got in and out before most of the Afghans even knew I was there. Which is unfortunate, because I’m sure if most of them knew I was there, they’d would have wanted to thank me for fixing their country. You’re welcome!
From Afghanistan, I traveled to India, to discuss a major historic nu-cu-lar agreement with the Indians. And, from there, on to Pakistan, where it is widely believed Osama bin Laden is hiding. I had things to discuss with my good friend, Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf. But I also wanted Osama to know something: I’m ready. Any time. Your turf.. or mine. I’ll be waiting.. Texas style!
But I’m here tonight to talk about what’s happening at home, you know? There seems to be a trend out there to find fault with this administration. You know? Myself, in particular, for just about everything, you know? It’s, uh – it’s just not fair. With Katrina, I already admitted I messed that one up! Yuo know? We all know, in the days after the hurricane, I said I wasn’t warned about how bad the hurricane might be, and.. now there’s a tape showing you that I was warned! Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, he warned me. You’ll see it if you watch it. But.. do you also remember when I said, “Brownie, you’re doing a heckuva job!” Everyone had a good laugh at that, but it turns out Brownie was doing a heckuva job! And he did warn me! You know? So, who’s got the last laugh now, huh? The main thing to remember here is: it’s been six months, and there hasn’t been another hurrircane! The hurricanes are on the run.
Now, the security of our nation’s ports. This is an important issue, you know? And I think you should know there’s a good reason we were willing to grant control of so many ports to a company in Dubai, which may or may not have ties to terrorist organizations. It’s, uh.. it’s simple, you know? They outbid the North Koreans.
Now, uh, what about our trade deficit? [ pouts ] I’m getting blamed for this one, too! Huh? Aparently, it’s the worst in history. You know, we’re roughly $7 billion in debt. Uh, but don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. I’ve decided to consolidate all of our debt with one of those debt consolidaton companies. That’s right. We’re gonna go with Ditech. Like me, you’ve probably seen their commercials late at night on ESPN-2. You know, the ones with the guy who says, “Lost another loan to Ditech!” It’s a funny commercial!
My point is this: we’re solving problems, not making them! You know? And don’t even try to blame the Olympics on us, you know? I understand the Olympics were a big letdown, but this isn’t my fault! and, while I’m not one to point fingers, clearly the finger should be pointed at Bode Miller. He was out partying, having a good time, you know, not concentrating. [ a beat ] Been there.
Finally, there, uh, seems to be a misconception that this adminstration has been secretive. You know, we’ve been accused of being secretive about Iraq, about wiretapping, about Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face. I want to be completely open here – he did shoot a man in the face. And, uh, honestly, it happened before. And, for all we know, it’s gonna happen again. But, uh.. Dick has something he wants to say. Dick?
[ Dick Cheney relunctantly steps into frame ]
President George W. Bush: Was there, uh, something you want to say?
Dick Cheney: I’m sorry I shot my friend in the face.
President George W. Bush: [ nods ] And, uh, you know.. if you shoot another friend, will you keep it a secret? [ Cheney is silent ] Di-i-ick?
Dick Cheney: No, I will not.. keep it.. a secret.
President George W. Bush: So, Dick, okay, in the spirit of openess that we are embracing, do you have anything else to say?
Dick Cheney: [ hesitant, but finally ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
March 4th, 2006
Natalie Portman
Fall Out Boy
None
Dennis Haysbert A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) addresses the public on issues of secret White House activity and Vice-President Dick Cheney’s (Darrell Hammond) hunting accident.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.
Transcript
Montage
Natalie Portman’s Monologue
Summary: Natalie Portman tackles questions raised by “Star Wars” nerds in the audience.
Note: Portman’s microphone.
Bio: Natalie Portman (1981-). Jerusalem-born actress; best known for her role as Queen Amidala in the “Star Wars” prequel trilogy; had to shave her head for key scenes in the upcoming film “V For Vendetta” (2006).
Transcript
Nelson Baby Toupees
Summary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.
Note: Repeat from: 05k/a>.
Jamba Juice
Summary: The overpsyched Jamba Juice employees (Natalie Portman, Seth Meyers, Horatio Sanz), who have ingested excessive amounts of their own high-energy protein drinks, can’t stop themselves from offering free boost supplements to their customers.
Note: Seth Meyers and Horatio Sanz have to stifle their laughter towards the end of the sketch.
Transcript
Larry King Live
Summary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews a group of transgendered people who are in the middle of their sex change procedures.
Recurring Characters: Larry King, Felicity Huffman.
Transcript
The Needlers
Summary: Argumentive Dan (Seth Meyers) and Sally Needler (Amy Poehler) seek help from a fertility doctor (Natalie Portman) so they can have a baby rather than examine the issue of their troubled marriage.
Recurring Characters: Dan Needler, Sally Needler.
Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Celebrating a belated Black History moment, actor Dennis Haysbert shows clips from all-black kids’ cartoons that failed to make an impact during the 1990’s.
Bio: Dennis Haysbert (1954-). Actor; portrayed President David Palmer on “24”, 2002-06; currently stars as Sergeant Major Jonas Blane on “The Unit”; official spokesman for Allstate Insurance.
Transcript
Artsy Apartment
Summary: Nuni (Natalie Portman) brings her college boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) home to meet her parents, Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph).
Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.
Transcript
Fall Out Boy performs “Dance Dance”
Bio: American emo/pop punk band; name taken from a lesser known character on “The Simpsons” — Fallout Boy, the sidekick of 50’s superhero Radioactive Man — at the suggestion of an audience member of one of their earliest performances; members: Patrick Stump (lead singer, guitar), Pete Wentz (bass), Joe Trohman (guitar) and Andy Hurley (drums).
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) disguises himself as Martha Stewart in order to pump his own ego over their “Apprentice” feud. Olympic contender Sasha Cohen (Natalie Portman) attempts to tell a couple of jokes. Kenan Thompson introduces a new line of clothing that targets black men in drag, ball pouch and all.
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah
Summary: Now a man, Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) watches his short-term ex-girlfriend (Natalie Portman) make out with his friend (Andy Samberg), while Megan (Maya Rudolph) dreams of being Mrs. Adam Levine.
Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon.
Transcript
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Between an interview with Chris Parnell, Natalie Portman raps about her real identity.
Transcript
Fall Out Boy performs “Sugar, We’re Going Down”
Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000
Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!
Note: Repeat from: 05d.
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
The CollectorsSummary: Collectors (Fred Armisen, Horatio Sanz) are unable to make money because they can’t speak English.
Broadway Lights DinerSummary: Restaurant wait staff sings Broadway tunes for diners, then begin slipping all over the freshly-mopped floor.
Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Natalie Portman) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.
Note: This sketch makes it to air next month in an episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.
prisonmates.netSummary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren’t afraid to commit – because they’re unable not to.
Note: This will make it to air in next week’s episode.
Star Wars Acting ClassSummary: In “Star Wars” acting class, Natalie Portman learns how to make funny character noises.
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Quick Zoom Theater
Host…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Billings-Stevens…..Fred Armisen
Dr. Perkins…..Steve Martin
Nurse Veronica…..Maya Rudolph
Doctor…..Kenan Thompson
[open on a director’s chair in a backstage setting, with title: “Quick Zoom Theater”]
Host: Hello! Welcome to “Quick Zoom Theater.” Brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. [dissolve to product screen with title: “Canon Ultra Zoom”] Canon Ultra Zoom: bringing life closer. [dissolve to backstage] Tonight’s episode: “The Check Up.”
[dissolve to a doctor’s office, with patient and doctor]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: So how does it look, Doctor? Am I [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] okay?
Dr. Perkins: Well, Mr. Billings-Stevens, I’ve looked over your test results, and [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] everything’s fine.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: That’s great.
Dr. Perkins: Well, as far as I’m concerned, [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] you’re free to go.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Okay, then. Thank you.
[a nurse rushes in]
Veronica: Dr. Perkins! Dr. Perkins! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] Your two-thirty is here.
Dr. Perkins: Oh, thank you, Veronica. I’ll be right there.
[Veronica exits]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Wait. [bends and picks up an object] Is this [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] your pen? [holds up a pen]
Dr. Perkins: No. By the way, how was that cookout? Did you have any [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish?
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Well, as a matter of fact, we did have some [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish.
Dr. Perkins: Well, I’m sorry I missed [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] it.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Yeah, well, uh, maybe next time.
[a second doctor knocks and enters]
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom on the frame of the door] Uh, some of us are going to Applebee’s after our shift. [he leans over to put his face into the zoom area] Do you want to come?
Dr. Perkins: Well, that sounds nice. Did you ask Veronica?
Doctor: Oh, not yet; I’ll do that now.
Dr. Perkins: Well, great. Thanks a lot. [dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] [the doctor has nothing further to say]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: I love Applebee’s. So, anyway, be sure to tell your wife I said [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] hello.
Dr. Perkins: Why don’t you tell her? After all, she’s carrying your baby.
[no quick zoom occurs, so the doctor rushes up to the camera and then rushes back]
[dissolve to backstage]
Host: This has been “Quick Zoom Theater,” brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. Canon Ultra Zoom. [he holds up the camera] It’s [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] a camera.
Submitted by: DavidK93
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Surfers
Brody…..Andy Samberg
Ted…..Steve Martin
Dragon…..Jason Sudeikis
Slapshot…..Seth Meyers
Colossus…..Fred Armisen
Weinerman…..Bill Hader
Buttfish…..Will Forte
The Chick…..Kristen Wiig
[open on stock footage of surfers on a large wave]
[dissolve to a group of young surfers in wetsuits and one middle-aged man, Ted, in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, all gathered on a beach]
Brody: All right, everyone. Thanks for meeting me down here. There’s something we need to discuss, so listen up. Now, you may have noticed that someone in our group doesn’t really fit in and has been ruining our surf sessions.
[the young surfers nod and murmer their agreement]
Ted: Wow, that person sounds totally un-gnarly.
Brody: You’re right, Ted. They’re not gnarly. They’re not gnarly at all. Now, I think we’ve given this person as many hints as we possibly can. But, unfortunately, they still don’t get it.
Ted: What a loser, huh? Who is this guy?
Brody: Actually, he’s in the circle right now, Ted.
Ted: One of the bro-hams? No way!
Brody: Yeah, Ted. One of the bro-hams.
Ted: Oooooh! [makes a diving and sinking motion with his hand] Wipe-out!
Brody: Right. Uh, now, I think the time has come–
Ted: Sorry to interrupt, Brody. But have you ever been out on the ocean, surfing, and you’re getting bodacious, and it’s killer, and you’re having a great time with your bros and it’s gnarly? Has that ever happened to you?
Brody: Yeah, it has, Ted. It’s happened to all of us.
Ted: Oh, cool, radical.
Brody: Now, I know none of us wants to hurt this person’s feelings, but–
Ted: Okay, you know what, we can play this game all day, guys, but we’re clearly never going to figure out who this mystery person is. So I motion that we grab our surfboards, catch some waves, and have a wicked session and be in the tube!
Brody: Ted–
Ted: Look, Brody, before you say anything else, I just want you guys to know that the last couple of weeks have been the best of my life. So I think–
Brody: Ted! It’s you! Okay? We’re talking about you.
Ted: What? Me?! It can’t be me; I’ve been talking this whole time, trying to figure out who it is!
Brody: [nods] Uh-huh.
Ted: Really? This is just shocking. And you all feel this way?
[all of the surfers nod]
Ted: Even you, Dragon?
Dragon: Yeah.
Ted: And you, Slapshot?
Slapshot: Yeah.
Ted: And you, Colossus?
Colossus: Absolutely.
Ted: And you, Weinerman?
Weinerman: One hundred percent.
Ted: Really? All of you?
Brody: We all feel that way, Ted.
Ted: Even you, Buttfish?
Buttfish: Yeah.
Ted: Ugh. Dragonfly, seriously?
Dragon: I already said yes.
Ted: Okay, now, you’re firm on that? And, Slapshot, are you firm?
Slapshot: Yeah, I think we’re all firm.
Ted: Ooh, okay, well, I guess I’ll be on my way. But before I go, would anyone like to come with me? Colossus?
Colossus: No, I’m good.
Ted: Buttfish?
Brody: Ted! Please go.
Ted: Okay, I’m leaving. But before I go, I’d like to hear Buttfish’s answer.
Buttfish: No.
Ted: No, you’re not going to answer, or no, you’re not going to go with me?
Buttfish: I’m not going to go with you.
Ted: Okay. And you all feel this way?
Slapshot: Oh, my God.
Ted: All right, look. I can take a hint. Dragon, I don’t remember hearing your answer. Did you say…
Dragon: Yeah, man, I said no.
Ted: Hey, do you dudes ever feel like you want to surf all the time and be gnarly? I do. I feel like that right now.
Brody: Come on, Ted!
Ted: How about you, Colossus?
Colossus: Please leave.
Ted: Ugh, you guys, come on. I’m not gonna ask The Chick!
The Chick: Get lost, Ted!
Ted: Look. I may not be young and hip. I may not wear the right clothes or know all the cool slang, but–Colossus, you change your mind yet?
Colossus: [scoffs] Are you serious?!
Ted: All right, all right, all right, fine. Well, we better all head out for our last ride. Looks like we got ourselves a nasty swell. I’ll see you bros in the blue room!
[Ted grabs his yellow surfboard and runs from the gathering, going to a freeze-frame when Ted is near the middle of the shot]
[Title: “In Memoriam: Ted the gnarliest bro-ham in the tube”]
Submitted by: DavidK93
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Super Bowl XL Rehearsals
Aaron Neville….Horatio Sanz
Aretha Franklin….Kenan Thompson
Dr.John….Jason Sudeikis
Male Coordinator….Seth Meyers
Female Coordinator….Amy Poehler
(Opens with USA Today headline: Super Bowl XL Detroit.February 5, 2006. Next is a headline from the DetroitFree Press:Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin and Dr. Johnsing national anthem. Shot of Ford Field Stadium.Banner: Super XL Bowl.)
Caption: Detroit. Saturday, Feb. 4th
(Cut to inside of the arena.Two security guys inyellow jackets stand-by. A male and female coordinatorteam appears with black jackets of Super Bowl XL andearpieces)
Female Coordinator: OK, Aaron, Mr. Neville we don’thave a lot of time for these rehearsals. This is yourmark for the national anthem right here.(Points at thebase of the microphone. Aaron Neville enters with hissleeveless jean jacket) I’m going to need you righthere.
Aaron Neville: (Sings) I don’t know much, about thisSuper Bowl, but I do know that I’d like a bowl ofgumbo-o-o-o.
Male Coordinator: Wow! That was great. You reallysound great, Mr. Neville.
Aaron Neville: No, seriously. I need some food. I’mhypoglycemic. If my blood sugar is too low, I fall onmy ass and smash my booty bone.
(Big tittied Aretha shows up)
Aretha Franklin: Is somebody talking about gettingsome food?! Cause if they give him some food, theybetter give me some food. Shoot!
Female Coordinator: OK, Aretha, we’re not quite readyfor you yet.
Aretha Franklin: Well then you best gets ready, sista!And (sings)you better think!….think about getting mesome biscuits!
Male Coordinator: OK, Aretha what kind of food can we get you?
Aretha Franklin: Well….
(Scraggly looking,gray haired, bearded, with a leatherblack beret, Dr John walks in)
Dr. John: (sings) I love that chicken from Popeye’s!
Male Coordinator: Sorry, what?
Dr. John: Yeah, looky here, my name is Dr. John. Howyou doin’. AKA Mr. Mac Rebennack. That’s mysuggestion. The Popeye’s is. I’m paid to sing thePopeye’s jingle but I also think it’s pretty damn good grub.
Aretha Franklin: Popeye’s suits me just fine,baby!(leaves)
Male Coordinator: OK, I’m on it.(leaves)
Female Coordinator: Yeah, you guys, we need you tokeep this moving, OK? We got the Rolling Stones inhere. We don’t have a lot of time.
Dr. John: All right, well you just holler when you needme, OK? I’m gonna pass out underneath that tarp overthere.(leaves)
Aaron Neville: Ooh-Wee! This stadium air is dry. Ineed to moisturize my face, neck and chiseled biceps.
Female Coordinator: I’m sure we can track down somelotion for you, Aaron.
Aaron Neville: I don’t use lotion. I usebutter.(sings)Fine, fine cocoa buttha-a-a-a. CreoleKing cocoa butter, makes my skin feel smo-o-o-o-oth!
Female Coordinator: OK, we’re not doing a commercialhere, Aaron.
Aaron Neville: Oh, that’s too bad. Because cocoabutter keeps my skin supple while accentuating thecontrast of my tattoos.(Aretha appears)
Aretha Franklin: Tattoo? Back in the 70’s I went outon a date with Tattoo. Herve Villechaize. That’sright! I picked him up and threw him through abasketball hoop. That little bastard got so mad healmost tried to stab me! Now, that’s what I call foreplay!
(Horatio looks at Kenan, Kenan stifles a laugh)
Female Coordinator: Wow, that’s an inspirational storyAretha but we really need to get through the anthemone time. At least once.
Aaron Neville: Excuse me. I have a question. Is itpossible for me to get a stand or a little stoolperhaps so I can set my cocoa butter on.
Female Coordinator:(on her earpiece)OK, can we getMr.Neville a stool, please?
Aretha Franklin: Oh yeah, I want a stool too baby! Areal high one that I can rest my titties on!(Girlbrings in 2 stools, waist level)No,no,no. This is nothigh enough, sugar! This ain’t high enough! I’m gonnahave to take my brassier off to use this!
Female Coordinator: OK, look everyone, let’s gettogether and let’s run this thing! Dr John, please!
(Dr.John appears with stuffed, giant rabbit holding afootball while Aaron applies fine cocoa butter on hisarms)
Dr. John: Oh,oh,oh hey!,looky here what I just won and/or stole!
Female Coordinator: Aaron, why don’t you start it off?Let’s do it!
Aaron Neville: OK, I’ll start it off.(Into the mic,Star Spangled Banner)Oh, say can yousee-hee-hee-heee-hoo–huu-hiii!By the dawns earlylightshiii-hoo–hoo-hee-hoo-hoo-haa-hee-haa-hee-hii-huu(littlecrack up)hee.(Smears more cocoa butter)What’s soproudly we hailed….
(Male coordinator arrives with 3 boxes of Popeye’s chicken)
Dr. John: Hey! the food guy’s back! Let’s get the helloutta here!!
Aretha Franklin: Come on, Neville! Come on!
(Aretha grabs the 3 boxes of Popeye’s chicken, Aarontakes a piece of chicken)
Dr. John:(sings)I do love that chicken from Popeye’s!!
(Aretha, Aaron and Dr.John haul ass)
Female Coordinator: Guys!,please! OK, well I thinkthat went really well.
Male Coordinator: Yes, that was the smoothest runthrough yet, those guys are pros.
Female Coordinator: Yeah.
(The two coordinators study the clipboard)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
An SNL Digital Short: The Tangent
Liz…..Kristen Wiig
Joel…..Fred Armisen
Agent…..Bill Hader
Jerry…..Chris Parnell
…..Scarlett Johanssen
…..Conan O’Brien
…..Brian Williams
…..Gideon Yago
[open on title screen: “An SNL Digital Short”]
[dissolve to New York City traffic with title: “The Tangent”]
[dissolve to outdoor steps with a man and woman walking towards each other]
Liz: Hey, Joel, how are you?! I’ve been meaning to call you! How was that restaurant you went to the other night?
Joel: [scoffs] They were closed! I guess they have two different locations, so we ended up going to the one uptown, but the name changed because the manager changed the name because there’s two owners, …
Liz: Oh.
Joel: …but at the same time I thought, “Why can’t we just, like, come a little bit earlier [Liz looks over her shoulder, nervously] to have some of the steak, and some of the fish that they have, …
Liz: Right. [nods]
Joel: …and some of the vegetables that they have, …
Liz: I know. That–
Joel: …some of the fruits that they have, some of the salads that they have, some of the broccoli that they have, some of the peas that they have,” [Liz looks over her shoulder again and then at her watch] and the thing with New York is, any place, like, above 42nd Street usually closes before 10pm, so you’re not able to find the table that you want, [Liz walks past Joel and continues away] you’re not able to order drinks, and even something with alcohol, alcohol sometimes has sugars in it, [a man in a suit, an agent, walks past Joel, but then doubles back to consider him more closely] which would set of any of the same allergic reactions that it would with any other kind of sugar products, be it cakes, be it any kind of cereals that have sugars on them; [the agent chuckles] that’s an obvious thing to do–
[jump-cut to the man talking on his cell phone]
Agent: Jerry, it’s me. Listen, I’m on the street. He’s exactly what we’re looking for. No, here, I’ll put you on with him. Listen, listen.
Joel: …cover up the entire thing. Passports have to change every four years, no matter what– [jump cut to Jerry’s office] home-made tennis racket. This way, if I had my own Band-Aids, my own bandages, at least I could hide them…
Jerry: Yeah.
Joel: …underneath the sink…
Agent: Yeah?
Joel: …so that no one could find them, so they’re kind of my Band-Aids…
Jerry: Let’s see how he does in front of an audience.
Joel: …there’s no way– [jump cut to Joel on stage in a performance space] She even said to me she was terrified because she didn’t think there was a driver on the rollercoaster. I said, “Well, that’s impossible; [Jerrypoints affirmatively at the agent] there are no drivers on rollercoa– [jump cut to an office] and then kind of, like, went back downstairs to find a pretzel. [the agent takes Joel’s hand and signs a contract] Okay, pretzels are, by the way…
Jerry: Let’s get you in the movies.
Joel: …absolutely cheap– [jump cut to Joel being fitted by a man and a woman in a wardrobe] And as soon as you take apart a glider, there’s no way you can really rebuild it– [jump cut to Joel on the set of a movie, dressed as a futuristic astronaut] And in fact, that kind of makes you a professional camper. See, it’s sweet, it’s hot, it’s cold, it’s everything all in one…
[Scarlett Johanssen arrives in a bathrobe]
Scarlett Johanssen: Hi, I’m Scarlett. It’s so nice to meet you–so nice to be working with you, gosh.
Joel: …you know, they don’t even have the jurisdiction to even define what a monsoon is. [a woman places a futuristic space helmet over his head] A monsoon is up to the person; it depends what island you’re on …
[nods interestedly] Yeah.
Joel: …there’s no way that anyone can judge that– [jump cut to the set of “Total Request Live,” with a VJ and a cheering studio audience holding signs that include “Joel is Hot” and “Marry Me Joel”] because that numbs it. That numbs exactly what the skull is gonna say, and as far as the messages being sent out by the brain– [jump cut to Joel at the NBC News desk with Brian Williams] That kind of dance is not considered an art form. I mean, sure, it could be dance therapy, but I still think– [jump cut to Joel as a guest on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”]
Conan O’Brien: Okay, well, the movie opens tomorrow, everywhere. Thanks for stopping by, Joel. Really great stuff.
Joel: …then, experimented with that in some parts of the laboratory…
Conan O’Brien: We’ll be right back! [turns to Joel, smiling, and nods]
Joel: …and the scientists weren’t really sure– [jump cut to Joel in the producer’s office] And they said, “You know something? I brought my daughter down here for a haircut, and you gave her a crew cut…
Jerry: This is a problem. Your movie ate [bleep] at the box office.
Joel: …’cause, you know something? You asked for one, you’re gonna get one. And you know something? I think she looks great. And, besides, I don’t even cut hair…
Jerry: I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
Joel: …back over there. And I said, “You know what? Everyone in this room gets crew cuts. And they said, “No, sir. They’re illegal…
Jerry: [shouting into intercom] Would someone get him the [bleep] out of my office?!
Joel: …just something else– [jump cut to a car dropping Joel off at the steps where he started] A breathing apparatus means it’s going to be heavy. That’s like the same thing as saying that a wig is false. I mean, obviously that’s what the case is. But, anyway, overall, the restaurant was pretty good. Liz? [he looks around and shrugs to find himself alone, and he exits]
Submitted by: DavidK93
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
An SNL Digital Short
…..Steve Martin
…..Kelly Ripa
Jimmy…..Michael Anthony
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels
[ open on Steve Martin sitting at a table at Elaine’s with Kelly Ripa ]
Steve Martin: Well, Kelly, these rendezvous’ have worked out pretty well.
Kelly Ripa: Yes, they have, Steve.
Steve Martin: So, uh, who do you think? Is tonight the night?
Kelly Ripa: I don’t know. I’ve never cheated ob my husband before.
Steve Martin: They don’t mind.
Kelly Ripa: So you’ve been telling me.
Steve Martin: So, uh.. shall I take the Viagra? [ holds up his Viagra pill ]
Kelly Ripa: Well, how long does it take to take effect?
Steve Martin: With me – fifteen, twenty minutes.
Kelly Ripa: That sounds about right.
[ Steve puts the pill in his mouth and downs it with a glass of water. As he does, his viagra clock appears on the lower right corner of the screen and begins ticking away ]
Kelly Ripa: I’m really flattered you’re even out tonight.
Steve Martin: And why is that?
Kelly Ripa: Because Alec Baldwin is hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, and he’s going to tie your record.
[ cut to close-up of the horrified look on Steve’s face ]
[ cuts to Steve running out of Elaine’s and into the street ]
Steve Martin: Limo! Limo! Limo! [ a taxi pulls up ] Oh, please! [ the taxi pulls away, as a limo pulls up and Steve climbs in ] NBC! [ the limo speeds away ]
[ cut to Alec Baldwin being prepped in his dressing room by Jimmy, a drink in one hand and pictures of himself all around the room ]
Jimmy: Well, Mr. Baldwin, tonight’s the night you tie Steve Martin’s record for hosting.
Alec Baldwin: Well, Jimmy, it’s not really about that.
Jimmy: I’ll go get your sock garters.
Alec Baldwin: [ to himself ] It’s your night, Big Guy. The night we crush that little clown monkey.
[ cut to exterior shot of NBC ]
[ cut to interior, halls of Studio 8-H, as Steve wanders down the corridor, shirking away as a maid passes ]
[ cut back to Alec’s dressing room ]
Alec Baldwin: Jimmy, tonight we move into the record books.
[ Steve, dressed as Jimmy, rises from beyond Alec and chokes him with the measuring tape and smiles ]
[ cut to the hallway, as Steve carries Alec’s body, which is wrapped in the carpet, through the studio’s halls ]
Steve Martin: Hey, Andy.
Andy Samberg: Ah, hey, Mr. Martin. You hosting the show tonight?
Steve Martin: Only if they need me.
[ Steve passes a frantic Lorne Michaels, flanked by Will Forte and Bill Hader, in the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: We can’t find Alec Baldwin. Somebody call Tom Hanks.
[ Steve punches Lorne in the face and continues down the hall, dragging the carpet and Alec with him ]
[ Steve drops the carpet out of the window; it lands with a thud in the middle of the Rockefeller Center skating rink ]
Steve Martin: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Oprah
Oprah Winfrey…..Maya Rudolph
Freedman…..Steve Martin
[ open on opening graphics for “Oprah” ]
[ dissolve to the “Oprah” set, as extends her arms to the thunderous applause of her all-female audience ]
Oprah Winfrey: Welcome baaaaaaaaaaaccckkk!! [ cups her hands to her face ] Hoo-hoooooooo!! Thank you! Okay, stop it! [ audience continues to cheer ] Stop it! [ they continue ] Sit! [ they won’t stop ] Seriously! [ they still won’t stop ] Seriously!! [ the applause dies in an instant ] Today’s show.. is very serious. So, everyone please take the smiles off of your faces. Okay, I think everyone knows it’s been a challenging time lately for Oprah, here on the “Oprah” show. Especially in regards to the oprah Book Club. Oprah. [ audience awwws ] Yeah. It was not so long ago, that author James Frey, as the great Maya Angelou would say, “Dicked me over.” Earlier today, as I was taking my hot air balloon ride, I had a thought. And that thought was: “Society values.. truth!” [ audience cheers yeah!” ] Thank you. Now I know you’ve all been enjoying March’s Oprah’s Book Club selection, the emotionally devastating memoir by Stone Freeman: “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean.” [ audience applauds ] But, but, but – not so fast, people. I was just informed, via e-mail from the Travoltas, that this book may be riddled with untruths!
Voice from the Audience: Oh, my Go-o-o-d!
Oprah Winfrey: Exactly, lady. So, I have invited the author to come on and attempt to speak as I tear him a new one. Please welcome – and I’ll ask you not to stand or applaud – author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean” – Stone Freeman.
[ Stone Freeman enters the stage, attempts to shake oprah’s hand but is ignored. He takes his seat. ]
Stone Freeman: [ cheerfully ] Hi, Oprah. Thank you for having me.
Oprah Winfrey: [ scornful ] Stone. It is obviously not a pleasure having you here. Because you duped me. You dupity-duped me.
Stone Freeman: Oprah, I swear on a stack of my own books, that my memoir is 100% true.
Oprah Winfrey: So you’re saying that everything in this book is true?
Stone Freeman: 100% true, with a margin of error of 100%.
Oprah Winfrey: I see. so, what parts of the book are not true?
Stone Freeman: Well, it’s not so much that they are untrue, as much as they are true-less. Or lie-ish.
Oprah Winfrey: Stone, I am giving you a chance to admit to any falsehoods, right here and now. And I think it would be wise of you to take advantage of this.. Oprah-tunity.
Stone Freeman: Well, keep in mind that when I wrote this book, I was cross-addicted to over-the-counter nasal sprays, Almaden jugged wine, and, of course, crack cocaine.
Oprah Winfrey: Okay. S-so, you’re saying that you were addicted to cocaine?!
Stone Freeman: Didn’t say that, no. Actually, that was a typo. It was chapstick. But, one time, I did venture, uh, most of the into a shady neighborhood with the intent to buy crack cocaine, but I was hit by a car – no, I wasn’t.
Oprah Winfrey: So the first sentence in Chapter 4 states: “I awoke in a shady neighborhood, in a crack cocaine haze with tire tracks across my face.” That’s not a true statement?
Stone Freeman: Did you know, that in some languages, the word “true” is the same as the word “lie”?
Oprah Winfrey: Really? Is that true?
Stone Freeman: No, that’s a lie.
Oprah Winfrey: Ugh! S-so, when you say you were trapped for three months in a cage with a howler monkey..?
Stone Freeman: I meant, I was trapped zero months in nothing with a no monkey. But my favorite animal is the monkey – no, it is not.
Oprah Winfrey: So all of Chapter 4 was, as my good friend Harry Belefont would say, “a steaming pile of shizz“?
Stone Freeman: No. some of Chapter 4 is true. It is the fourth chapter, and I do have parents.
Oprah Winfrey: Alright, then, in Chapter 16, you did not “lose an eye in a carjacking, store it in a Slurpee to keep it fresh, then pay a Native-American prostitute to pop it back in?”
Stone Freeman: [ points behind Oprah ] Look over there!
Oprah Winfrey: Where?
[ as Oprah turns to look, Stone reaches over, tears the page out of the book and tosses it behind the couch ]
Stone Freeman: That’s not in there. Now, look, Oprah, I’m not going to lie to you. Every page of this book is a lie, and that is the God’s honest truth.
Oprah Winfrey: Well, I hope you’re sorry about all of this, Stone Freeman.
Stone Freeman: Well, I’m not, and that’s a lie. And I’d like to thank you for being on my show! [ stands and shakes her hand ]
Oprah Winfrey: [ stands cheerfully as well ] Oh! Well, thank you so much for having me!
Stone Freeman: So, thank you very much! Oprah Winfrey! How about that!
Oprah Winfrey: That’s wonderful — [ starts to walk away, then: ] Wait a minute! This is my show!
Stone Freeman: Hey, check this out! [ swings his arms and dances his way out of the studio ]
Oprah Winfrey: [ sits ] Coming up next, we’ll release author Stone Freeman into the wolds of the Harpo Studios compound and hunt him down like a wild turkey. [ retrieves a crossbow from behind the couch ] Right after this.
[ the theme music and graphics play out as Oprah rushes off the set ][ fade ]