Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Wool Sweater

Keith…..Dane Cook
Michael…..Seth Meyers
Michael’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Waiter…..Andy Samberg
Carrie…..Amy Poehler

[open on exterior of suburban home]

[dissolve to interior with party]

Keith: [enters wearing a wool sweater] Hi. Seasons greetings. [closes door] Hey, how are you? [approaches Michael and his wife] Hi, guys.

Michael: Hi. Wow. Keith.

Michael’s Wife: Yeah, Keith, look at that sweater.

Keith: [smooths the fabric around his torso] I know, right. You like it? [adjust the collar]

Michael: What is that, like, wool?

Keith: One hundred percent.

Michael’s Wife: Where did you get it?

Keith: Knitwear Outlet.

Michael: How much do you pay for something like that?

Keith: Eight hundred dollars.

Michael’s Wife: Wow, at an outlet?

Keith: Yeah, well, I think it was originally, like, nine hundred [scratches at his left arm], but I feel like a million bucks in it. Yeah! [scratches at his right arm]

Michael: Man, that is some sweater.

Keith: Thanks. Hey, uh, do you think Carrie will like it?

Michael: Oh, yeah, man, definitely.

Keith: Yeah, is she, uh, is she hear yet? [wipes sweat from his brow]

Michael’s Wife: Oh, well, um, she called. She’s running a little late.

Keith: Oh. [pulls at hem of sweater and chuckles nervously] [under his breath] “Late.”

Michael’s Wife: Are you warm in that? It’s not even that cold out yet.

Michael: Yeah, sixty five degrees in December. It’s freaky.

Keith: Yeah, well, uh, you know, I don’t have to worry about the unseasonably warm weather because–let me tell you something–this, this sucker breathes! [clutches and pulls at the neck and body of the sweater and chuckles nervously]

Michael’s Wife: It does?

Keith: Oh, hell yes!

Michael’s Wife: Look, why don’t I go get you juice, or some water, or something?

Keith: [wipes his brow furiously] No!

Michael’s Wife: Let me get you some ice water. [leaves]

Keith: I just–I’m okay, geez.

Michael: So, uh, you and Carrie, uh, you guys still good?

Keith: Yeah. [as a waiter walks by with a tray of drinks, Keith grabs a couple of straws which he inserts into the neck of the sweater and begins blowing] This is officially our second date, but, uh, I wish she would hurry up and get here, you know, so she can see me in the sweater. Ha-ha, aaaaargh! [pulls the sweater away from his body]

Michael: I gotta say, Keith, it really looks like that sweater is bothering you.

Keith: [pulls his left arm inside the sweater and uses that hand to prop the fabric away from himself] No, no, no, no. This is just, you know, I’m breaking it in. You know, this is the way you gotta break in a turtleneck.

Michael: Yeah, because turtlenecks drive me nuts. I can’t wear them.

Michael’s Wife: [returning with a cup of ice] Here you go.

Keith: Oh, thanks so much. [takes a piece of ice and rubs it on his face] All right.

Michael’s Wife: All right, you know, I think that turtleneck is too warm.

Michael: Yeah.

Keith: No, it’s not too warm! Okay? It’s incredibly comfortable! And I spent eight hundred dollars on it, so, you know, I just want to wear it, you know. I’m wearing it because I paid the eight hundred. [pulls his other arm inside and uses both hands to push parts of the fabric away from his body] I want to impress Carrie, you know what I mean? [shouts] I wish she would get her ass here!

Michael: Hey, hey, Keith, there’s no reason to get mad at Carrie.

Keith: I’m not mad at Carrie. I’m mad at this turtleneck! [mops at his brow with a hand that is inside the sweater, and pushes his left arm back into the sleeve]

Michael’s Wife: Well, take it off! I can get you one of Michael’s shirts!

Keith: God, it’s like, it’s like a boa constrictor, you know? [clutches at fabric and pulls at neckline] I feel like I’m wearing Death, you know? [rubs the fabric on his face and pulls the neckline up around his chin] It’s like I’m being raped by a Wookiee! [pulls the neckline completely over his head and seizes backwards directly into the waiter before staggering forward, exposing his head again, and falling flat on his back] God, it’s like…it’s like it’s merging with my skin!

Michael’s Wife: Oh, my God! Just take it off! Take it–

Keith: I can’t–I can’t breathe! [pants] I can’t breathe! [scratches and pulls at sweater]

Michael: Okay, you know what? [squats and extends a hand] Let me help you, Keith, let me–

Keith: No, no! No, no, no! [Michael stands back up] I’m gonna do this! [uses his legs and elbows to propel himself backwards across the floor and groans loudly] That feels good! [groans again and continues to move, then seizes a poker from the fireplace behind him and leaps back to his feet, now using the poker to scratch his back as he moans frantically] [Michael’s wife steps forward and reachs out to Keith] No! Get back! Get back! [holds the poker as a weapon] I need to do this! [resumes scratching as Michael’s life jumps back in fear, pulls the neckline back over his head and staggers towards the buffet table, all the while still scratching with the poker, then falls back onto the table, rocks back to a standing position, and seizes backwards into the middle of the table, which collapses under him]

Carrie: [entering, cautiously] Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. [Keith struggles back to his feet] Keith, are you wearing a turtleneck?

Keith: [suavely, while the neckline hangs around his head like a cowl] Yeah.

Carrie: [weakly] Ew.

[fade to black as Keith gestures plaintively at the sweater and Carrie gestures negatively]

Submtited by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
…..Rachel Dratch
Michael Irvin…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In a speech Wednesday at the U.S. Naval Academy, President Bush defended his policy in Iraq, saying that Iraqi troops are increasingly taking the lead in battling insurgents, but that ‘this will take time and patience.’ He added, ‘A whole lot of patience and time. To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it right. Yeah.’

During his speech on Iraq, President Bush spoke on a stage emblazoned with the words ‘Plan for Victory.’ But what many may not have noticed was the fine print:
(Zooms in to the fine print… “by 2047”)

Amy Poehler: In conjunction with the President’s speech, the White House released a 35-page document titled ‘National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.’ Wow! 35 pages! Apparently, they think Iraq’s problems will be three times easier to resolve than a Nancy Drew mystery.”

The U.S. military admitted Wednesday that it paid Iraqi newspapers to run favorable stories about the war. And some peculiarly shocking blind items in the Baghdad Post’s Page Six. What’s this? ‘What six-foot-seven Al Qaeda No. 1 was seen canoodling with ‘Laguna Beach’s Kristen Cavallari at the Club Green Zone?’ Wow!

Tina Fey: Tyra banks and MTV’s Vanessa Mannillo got quite a bit of press recently for dawning fat suits and experiencing life as an overweight person for a day. Known for her hard hitting investigative reporting, our own Rachel Dratch did the same thing, and she’s here with her report.

Rachel Dratch: Hi Gals! Well, uh, I too dawned an obesity suit yesterday and let me tell you, the experience really changed my life. Take a look…

VO: Okay, there I am in the make up chair, and there’s our special effects guy doing his thing.

(Shows Rachel getting ready)

VO: And there I am as a fat lady.

(She tries to walk through a door at the same time someone else does)

Rachel Dratch: Hey! Excuse me!

VO: Now, at first I thought of the suit as just a bit inconvenient. It’s hard to get around when you can’t see your own feet.

(Shows her having trouble getting around and then falling down a large set of stairs)

VO: I found that I could no longer partake in everyday activities, things that most of us just take for granted.

(Shows her trying to ride a unicycle)

VO: Being fat was hard than I thought. As I went outside, I began to feel like a second-class citizen. Some people starring at me, some people ignoring me. It was enough to make me crack!

(Shows her walking completely alone and feeling sad. She begins to run around screaming at random people. She throws a mans newspaper on the ground)

Rachle Dratch: Ahh! I’m human! I’m human like you!! You think I’m a monster? Ahh!! Ahh!! Stop starring at me! I’m a human being! (Cries)

VO: While most people judged me negatively because of my weight, others were actually more friendly to me.

(A man opens a door for her)

Rachel Dratch: Aww! Thank you!

VO: This young gentleman held the door for me.

(She walks by a mail deliveryman)

Man: Damn, you lookin’ good ma’ma!

VO: And this fellow was very friendly.

Rachel Dratch: Thank you! Hmnm…

VO: And this man said he wanted to get all up my crevices. Delightful.

(Shows a man with his arm around her typing her phone number in on his cell)

VO: So, I guess what I learned is, the next time you see an overweight person, be nice to them, it could be a celebrity in a fat suit!

Tina Fey: Excellent report. Excellent journalism. Well, I bet you’re glad you never have to put that fat suit back on.

Rachel Dratch: Oh, actually I’m going to go put it on right now. That last guy wants to take me to Red Lobster!

Tina Fey: Aw! Rachel Dratch everyone!

Amy Poehler: In recognition of World AIDS Day, city officials in Buenos Aires, Argentina covered the city’s most famous landmark, The Obelisk, with a giant pink condom. Not to be outdone, citizens of Arizona covered the Grand Canyon with a huge dental dam.

Tina Fey: Last week the city of Boston sparked a controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a ‘Holiday Tree’ instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city’s Christmas nativity scene will now be referred to as the ‘Holiday Homeless Family.’

Many of the first people to buy the new XBox 360 are returning the system because of crashes and glitches and maybe, just maybe, a long hard look in the mirror.

Amy Poehler: A New Hampshire man named Ronald MacDonald has been charged with stealing money from a safe at Wendy’s. He is charged with ‘aggravated hamburglary.’

According to a new survey, American women earn 76 cents for every dollar American men make for doing the same jobs. The most humiliating part for women, being paid in change.

Tina Fey: A British man has created a device that emits a noise intended to chase away teenagers. It’s called jazz records.

Psychologists are saying that creative professionals such as actors and writers have about twice as many sexual partners as other people. Uh! Twice as many? Try ten times as many!

Tina and Amy: Woo! Yeah! Haha!… …….

Amy Poehler: So true! It’s so true!

Tina Fey: Oh! God I’m getting too old for this!

(They start emotionally crying)

Amy Poehler: All right, lets keep it moving Tina!

Tina Fey: Lets go onto the next joke. Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Uh Flashbacks! Oh! Bad choices!

A new survey reveals that Seattle is the nation’s most literate city, followed by Minneapolis and Washington. While once again, the least literate city is ‘Reevarsyde, Kaleefermia’.

Tina Fey: Retired football player Michael Irvin is back in the news this week. The ESPN commentator and ex-Cowboy was arrested when a highway patrolman found a drug pipe on the floor of his car. Here to comment is Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Woo! Yes, yes, yes! Well, well, my goodness! SNL! Cowboys! Touchdown! Wide receiver! Emmitt Smith!

Tina Fey: Alright, so Mike…

Michael Irvin: That’s what I’m talking about!

Tina Fey: Mike…

Michael Irvin: Touchdown! Touchdown!

Tina Fey: Mike…

Michael Irvin: It’s just a touchdown! Gotta get one!

Tina Fey: Mike, so just tell us, tell us in your own words what happened.

Michael Irvin: Oh, ain’t no thing Tina Fey, you understand me. I was chillin’, driving my car like I usually do, when a cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over. Now I’m a rational man, so I thought to myself, should I kill him? But then I convinced myself to let him live.

Tina Fey: Good, that’s a good choice.

Michael Irvin: And then he found a used drug pipe on the floor of my car. I told the officer that it must belong to a friend of mine because I don’t smoke crack anymore. You think he believe me?

Tina Fey: Would you believe you?

Michael Irvin: Look, I’m not the one on trial here.

Tina Fey: No well, yeah you are. You kind of are.

Michael Irvin: Okay fine. This time I wasn’t lying though! See I work for ESPN you understand, I’m an NFL commentator. If I did drugs, it would show. Look at this clip from last Sunday and you tell me if I’ve been doing drugs.

(Intro: Monday Night Countdown)

(Michael Irvin has a TV that he is trying too keep two other commentators from taking)

Michael Irvin: I will kill you! Let go of me, Chris Berman! Let go of me, Chris Berman! This is my TV! Let go of my TV!

(ESPN had cut the clip because of the content. Shows Michael Irvin at the Update desk in shock)

Michael Irvin: Well, that’s not the clip that I expected. Well, looks like the jokes on me right! Huh huh… anyway. Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go hire some lawyers now. Bye. See ya’ll later!

Tina Fey: Alright, Michael Irvin everyone.

Amy Poehler: A new poll reveals that 56 percent of Americans think Wal-Mart is bad for the country. While the other 44 percent work there.

On Wednesday, the 73rd Annual Rockefeller Christmas tree was lit. As was I.
(She smiles and takes a sip from a glass of wine)

A crowd of thousands was on hand to watch the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting. The ceremony was marred, however, when the M&M balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade appeared out of nowhere, struck two bystanders and then fled.

Tina Fey: A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later in life. The study is titled ‘National Strategy for Victory in Iraq’.

It was reported that after husband Kevin Federline refused to see a therapist with her, Britney Spears has consulted a psychic to find out if Kevin will cheat on her and if their marriage will last. Sadly, Britney’s worst fears were confirmed, when, halfway through the reading, Federline boned the psychic.

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Tree Re-Lighting Special

Al Roker…..Kenan Thompson
Megan Mullally…..Kristin Wiig
Harry Connick, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Singers…..rest of cast

(open on Al Roker, Megan Mullally and Harry Connick, Jr. standing in front of a Rockefeller Center backdrop)

Al Roker: Welcome back! It’s a great night out here in Rockefeller Center again. Isn’t it, Harry?

Harry Connick, Jr.: Sure is, Al. And it was great out here last Wednesday, when we lit the tree for the first time.

Megan Mullally: Ya know, tonight, just for fun, we’re gonna turn it off. And then we’re gonna light that sucker right back up again! Hahahaha! It’s either this or four “Earls” in a row.

Harry Connick, Jr.: I tell you, this is my favorite place to be at Christmas time.

Al Roker: You mean “Holiday-Time,” don’t you Harry?

Harry Connick, Jr.: Oops. That’s right. Merry Holiday everybody! Ya know, some people enjoy Christmas songs, Hanukah songs, or even Kwanzaa songs. But everyone can enjoy a holiday song.

Al Roker: So in the spirit of diversity and fear, please welcome the NBC Peacock Singers with and all-inclusive Holiday medley for everyone.

(To SINGERS. Lyrics appear at the bottom of the screen)

Singers: (To the tune of “Silent Night”)
“Silent night,
Regular night
All is calm,
All is bright.
Round the fire
Mother and child
Random infant
Religiously neutral
Sleep in comfortable beds
Sleep in comfortable beds.”

Horatio Sanz: (To the tune of “Away in a Manger”)
“Away in a barn box
No bib for their lunch
The donkey and camel
On straw they will munch.”

Will Forte: (falsetto)
“The stars in the sky
Shine down ‘cuz it’s night
The lamb and that donkey just got in a fight.”

Megan Mullally: (To the tune of “O Holy Night”)
“Oh, Tuesday night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
To watch TV and play cards.”

Harry Connick, Jr.:
“Fall on your knees
And do a jigsaw puzzle
Just stay inside
Just stay inside
Tonight
It’s half-past nine.”

Megan Mullally:
“Just stay inside.”

Harry Connick, Jr. & Megan Mullally:
“Feelin’…..fine.”

Megan Mullally: Fine, yeah. Now to narrate the story of the birth of the Holiday, please welcome Mr. Donald Trump.

(To TRUMP in front of Rockefeller Center backdrop)

Donald Trump: Thank you Will and Grace. This place is really snazzed up. I gotta say, of the non-Trump buildings in New York, this property has a whole lotta flash, and it really screams out “Merry Christmas.” (Looking offstage) What? I can‘t say Christmas? Who made that rule? Well what about Chanukaha? (Pronounces it “Cha-nook-a-huh”) I can’t say that? What about Kwanzoo? That’s just great. Alright, Let’s crank this thing out. There were shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. Then a civil representative of the town came up to them and said “Here’s the thing-a baby had been born to a lady of undeterminate ethnicity and/or religious affiliation. You’ll find he or she is wrapped in clothes, looking really classy, and lying in a barn box.” What the hell is a barn box? Y’know what? The end. Fa-la-fa-la. Fa-la-la-la. The Apprentice (Grins)

(Back to AL/MEGAN/HARRY and SINGERS)

Al Roker, Megan Mullally, Harry Connick, Jr.: Happy Holiday everybody!

All:
“How ya doin?
How ya doin?
How ya doin?
I’m doin just fine!”

(spoken) “Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Jana

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristin Wiig
Trainee…..Dane Cook
Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Customer #2…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Target Greatland, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, checkout line, as Customer #1 talks on a cell phone, Target Clerk and Trainee sniff a candle ]

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m just finishing up some shopping, so I’ll see you at home. OK? Bye.

Target Clerk: We’re sorry we smelled your candle.

Trainee: I’m not. It smells really good, and I had a good time doing it.

Customer #1: Oh, well that candle’s a gift for my mom.

Target Clerk: If you need another gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles?

Customer #1: Oh that’s OK.

Trainee: Candles are relaxing. Sometimes when I’m feeling stressed, I like to take out my hair, and light a ponytail, and then I brush it really hard.

[ runs fingers through hair vigorously ]

Target Clerk: We’ve got these candles that have one scent on the top, and another scent on the bottom, so when, the top part, when you burn that down, it’s a whole other candle.

Customer #1: Um, no thanks. That one’s just fine.

Target Clerk: They’re real marvelous. I’m gonna use my Target discount today and pick up a couple candles.

Trainee: I don’t have a Target discount card yet because I’m still in training, and that makes me angry. Sometimes when I get angry, I draw a picture of myself, and then I rip it up.

[ makes ripping motions with hands ]

Target Clerk: There’s one candle that has like a pine scent on the top, and on the bottom it’s like a nutmeg.

Trainee: I don’t know why I don’t have a discount card yet. I mean, I work here, you know? I just want that Felicia Reggard cookware before it’s gone.

Customer #1: Again, I’m really OK with what I’ve got here.

Target Clerk: What is this? A seashell garland?

Customer #1: Yeah, it’s a…

Target Clerk: It’s 99 cents! Do we have more of these?

Customer #1: Oh, yeah, they’re right over there…

[ Customer points, Clerk leaves to get a seashell garland]

Customer #1: Where is that woman going? Great… Listen; can you just finish this up for me? Cause I’m kind-of in a hurry.

Trainee: I wish that I could, but I’m still in training. So we’re probably just gonna have to have a weird moment here till she gets back.

[ awkward silence, Trainee nods his head and smiles, Clerk returns with garland ]

Target Clerk: Eureka! I’m gonna lay this across my dashboard! OK, $54.11. ATM? Please enter in your secret code!

[ Clerk and Trainee turn away, as to not see Customer’s secret code, Customer looks confused, cups a hand around her mouth to be louder ]

Customer #1: OK…

Target Clerk: Woo-hoo!

Trainee: You did it!

[ Trainee puts hand up for a high five but is denied one, Customer #1 leaves with bags, Customer #2 steps up to the register ]

Customer #2: How’s it going?

Target Clerk: Well, look how tall you are! If you had on an old-fashioned top hat, you’d have a hard time getting into my apartment! These are some smart slacks! $12.99? Do we have more of these?

Customer #2: Yeah, there’s tons of them, if you… Hey… Where’s she going?

Trainee: Oh, don’t worry. She’s fast! Hey, why are you buying a bra?

[ Trainee pick up bra and plays with it ]

Customer #2: Well, uh, for your information, it’s for my daughter. It’s a training bra.

Trainee: Oh, hey! I’m in training here, too. Is she here?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Is she in the car?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Do you want me to go get her?

Customer #2: No!

Trainee: I just think that it’s weird that we’re both in training, her and I.

[ Laughs and rubs training bra on his face, Customer stops him ]

Customer #2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ Customer puts bra back in basket, Employee returns ]

Target Clerk: My manager said I had to stay at my register.

Customer #2: Well, you were in the middle of a sale.

Target Clerk: Well… $32.12. Cash!

Trainee: Yes!

[Puts hand up for high five and is denied one again ]

Target Clerk: If you’re looking for a special gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles? There’s a snowman candle that has a carrot sticking out of its face for its nose!

Trainee: I built a snowman once and I named it Claire Huxtable! And I gave it snow children! A little Rudy, a Denise, a Vanessa, a Theo, and a little Raven Symone! They were like snow Huxtables!

Customer #2: No thanks. I’m good!

Target Clerk: But there’s another holiday candle with trees made out of glitter, and the little ornaments on it are tiny little balls…

[ Trainee waves to Customer, Clerk continues to talk about the candle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Travis Drum

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James BluntRae

James Blunt performs “You’re Beautiful”

…..Dane Cook
…..James Blunt

Dane Cook: Ladies and gentlemen — James Blunt.

James Blunt: [ singing ]
“My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel
Of that, I’m sure
She smiled at me on the subway
She was with another man
But I won’t lose no sleep on that
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause Ill never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye
As I walked on by
She could see from my face that I was
[flying] high
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again
But we shared a moment that
will last till the end.

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause Ill never be with you.

La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la, Laaah.

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Monday Morning Assembly

Peter Halpern…..Chris Parnell
Louise LaLaire…..Amy Poehler
Jonathan Pelt Madison…..Dane Cook
Kip Christopher…..Seth Meyers
Rufus Smalls…..Kenan Thompson
Grace Chung…..Rachel Dratch
“Mrs. Lembo”…..Kiristen Wiig
Smovement Dancer…..Will Forte
Smovement Dancer…..Bill Heder
Smovement Dancer…..Andy Samberg
Smovement Dancer…..Finesse Mitchell
Anton Regal…..Fred Armisen

[open on exterior of school with sign: “West Bedford High School”]

[dissolve to interior auditorium]

Peter: Good morning, students of West Bedford High School. Welcome to Monday morning assembly. I am, of course, Peter Halpern, the head of the drama department. I would like to thank Principal Haley for asking the drama club to read the morning announcements. But as this is the drama club, we do not read the morning announcements. We perform them! So, without further ado, let me introduce seniors Louise LaLaire, Jonathan Pelt Madison, and Kip Chrisopher.

[Louise, Jonathan, and Kip enter stage left]

Louise: There’s a lot going on at West Bedford this week, so open your ears.

Jonathan: And your minds.

Kip: First announcement.

[the lights go down, and the students position three chairs to face each other before sitting]

[Kip gulps down a beer while the others mime eating]

Kip: When are you going to do something with your life?

Jonathan: Leave me alone, Dad! You’re drunk!

Louise: Don’t yell at your father.

[Louise stands and goes behind Kip while Jonathan stands opposite them]

Jonathan: You don’t think that I miss Tommy? He was my only brother!

Louise: Let’s not fight at Christmas. [she stands between them]

Kip: I wish you were the son that had fallen off that raft!

Jonathan: What do I have to do to make you proud?! [puts his hands to Kip’s chest, plaintively]

Kip: Be a man and go to the [faces audience] job fair in the library this Tuesday to Thursday, periods E to G.

[all three bow]

Jonathan: Thank you. That was called “Job Fair,” a one-act about the upcoming job fair.

Louise: Now, with this week’s cafeteria menu, Rufus Smalls and Grace Chung.

[dissolve to stage right, where Rufus stands in a jacket while Grace is seated with a cello]

[Grace plays throughout]

Rufus: For beautiful, for spacious skies. / For government lies and pecan pies. / For tater tots and salisbury steak. / For lunch in the United States of Fake. / George Bush preaches empty speeches. / Peaches. / Chicken McNuggets, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. / And also green salad, / diced pears, / applesauce, / and individuals pizzas. / One love. [peace sign]

[dissolve to center stage with Louise with a spotlight on her face, and Jonathan and Kip facing away]

Louise: They picked a cheerleading squad. Where is my name? Why can’t I find my name?! [holds her hands up beside her face]

[Jonathan and Kip turn forwards and are holding grotesque masks to their faces]

Jonathan and Kip: Your name isn’t there!

Louise: No! [pulls her hands down to her neck]

Jonathan and Kip: You are not worthy of the squad!

Louise: Stop it! [crosses her wrists in front of her]

Jonathan and Kip: We cast you out!

Louise: Nooooo!!!!! [extends her hands before her, as if to hold something away]

Jonathan and Kip: Congratulations to Becky Abbot.

Louise: Oh! [clutches head]

Jonathan and Kip: Stacy Daniels.

Louise: Oh! [clutches other side of head]

Jonathan and Kip: Maureen Hearst!

Louise: Why?! [clutches at neck]

[lights come up]

Louise: Thank you. [all three bow] That was “Exclusion,” a meditation on the cheerleading tryouts in the style of Euripides.

Jonathan: Many of you know that Mrs. Lembo recently broke her hip falling on the third floor hallway. If you want to send flowers, she’s at Mercy Hospital

Kip: And if you want to see a reenactment of her fall, look no further than West Bedford’s own interpretive dance team, Smovement.

[dissolve to stage right, with four dancing forming two rows on either side of a performer portraying Mrs. Lembo]

“Mrs Lembo”: What a perfect day. Two healthy hips. [she steps between the rows of dancers, and piano music starts in a minor key] Oh, no! [she wavers to the left and then the right, twice] Why are these hallways so slippery? [the dancers wave their arms in front of her] Can’t keep my footing. [pirouettes and falls backwards into the dancers’ arms] No! I’m falling! [the dancers lift her straight up and then moan as they lower her to the ground] Anything but my hip!

Smovement Dancers: And CRACK!!!

[“Mrs. Lembo” wrenches her body as a red light shines on the group]

[the dancers leave “Mrs. Lembo” alone on the stage]

“Mrs Lembo”: Mrs. Edwards will be covering my classes.

[dissolve to center stage, dark, with Louise and Jonathan who is wearing a crown]

[Kip appears behind them, dressed as a court jester]

Kip: Your Majesty, you would applaud with rosy-cheeked countenance while so many go hungry?

Jonathan: Do not be coy, sir. You speak to the King.

Kip: The holiday season dawns and peasants starve, yet you sit in your palace throne and laugh.

Jonathan: And what is your solution?

Kip: Participate in the West Bedford holiday can drive.

Louise: What?! [The lights come up and all three bow] Thank you. That was “Can Drive.” Don’t forget to bring in your cans, everybody.

Jonathan: And now, three time winner of the West Bedford one-man show award, Anton Regal performs “Gossip.”

Anton: [puts his hand to his mouth, as if to amplify it] “Hey, did you hear the new gossip?!” [lowers his hand] Everyone was talking about Kelly and Matt, West Bedford’s golden couple. [hand to mouth] “Did you hear about Kelly and Matt?” “What?” [lowers hand] “Don’t tell me you didn’t hear!” You see, they were our Brad and Jennifer. “They broke up!” “No!” “I don’t believe it!” They represented our youth, our idea of perfection. [scoffs] What do we know. We’re just kids. “Hey, did you hear? They got back together!” “All right!” You know, when I heard that, I smiled to myself. I was going to get to be a kid again. At least for another day. [turns and walks away]

[dissolve to stage right, with Kip and the shot moving to center stage as the lights come up]

Kip: Thank you, everyone! Thank you! Come on out, everybody!

[all other performers come to the stage]

Louise: This has been Monday morning announcements, everyone. [catches roses that are thrown from the audience] Oh, thank you!

Jonathan: And don’t forget, the “Vagina Monologues” auditions are open to men and women.

[performers bow]

[fade to black]

Submtited by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

An SNL Digital Short

…..Will Forte
…..Andy Samberg
Stranger in background…..Jorma Taccone

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, apartment building. Pan down to stoop, where Andy sits glumly until Will appears from right and sits beside him ]

Will: Hey.

Andy: Hey.

Will: Got your message. So sorry.

Andy: Thanks. I just keep trying to tell myself he’s in a better place, you know?

Will: You know, it’s all right to feel sad. But the pain goes away. [ holds up a head of lettuce and takes a bite ]

Andy: Yeah. I just wish there was a way to make it go away faster. [ also holds up a lettuce and takes a bite ]

Will: I wish it would, too, bro. I wish it would, too. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: Everytime the phone rings, I keep thinking it’s going to be him, you know? And then I remember. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: It’s okay. Let it out. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: [ his mouth full of lettuce as he speaks ] I must look like such an idiot.

Will: Why? Because you care about something, and you’re not afraid to show it? That’s not an idiot. That’s a hero.

Andy: What did I do to deserve you? [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: You treated me like a friend. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: I don’t know what to say. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything.

[ they continue to bit into their heads of lettuce together, as a stranger walks past from the left, also biting into a head of lettuce ]

Announcer: Through good times and bad – lettuce.

[ cut to product graphic, with tag: “Paid for by the United Lettuce Growers Association” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Goodnights

…..Dane Cook

Dane Cook: Thanks to James Blunt. And thank you to this amazing cast right here, an unbelievable crew, and all my fans who put me here on “Saturday Night Live.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Fight Back with Victor Ramos

Victor Ramos….Horatio Sanz
Jeremy Oskin….Dane Cook
Nancy Saunders….Amy Poehler

(CAN TV logo)

Announcer: You are watching Can Television. Cable Access of Chicago. Up next Fight Back with Victor Ramos.

(Rock music)

(A dojo like studio with swords and martial arts weapons on the walls. A fist comes out from a door in the back. An attractive business woman sits in the studio)

(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)

(Victor Ramos comes out. He´s fat with curly hair and a mustache and also wears a red jacket)

Victor Ramos: Hello everyone. Welcome to Fight Back. I´m your host Victor Ramos. I´m a volunteer neighborhood street guardian. I´m a expert in karate, nunchucks usage, throwing stars and most importantly I am prepared for anything.

Jeremy Oskin: AAAAAHHH!!!!

(A young man wearing the same red jacket attacks Victor rather lamely. Victor blocks the punches)

Victor Ramos: Uh hah! Now allow me to introduce my co-host. He´s my spiritual brother in the struggle against injustice and he´s also the assistant manager of the reptile department at Pet Smart. Please welcome Jeremy Oskin.

(Victor holds up a wooden plank for Jeremy to punch and destroy. Jeremy punches)

Jeremy Oskin: Yiah!(wooden plank is not broken)

Victor Ramos: One more time. (Jeremy punches and it cuts in two) Oh!

Victor and Jeremy: (they bow to each other) Osu.

(They sit)

Jeremy Oskin:(kind of a speech impediment) Thank you for having me in the program. I just like to say a few words. Recently Victor and I we were forced to end our association with the Guardian Angels due to a disagreement over procedure. Apparently it had come to their attention that I was not wearing the proper uniform while patrolling the city´s subway lines.

Victor Ramos: What were you wearing?

Jeremy Oskin: A full rubber Batman costume.

Victor Ramos: And because I was dressed as Robin I had to quit as well. Anyway, let me bring out my first guest. She is the director of security for the Chicago Transit Authority. Miss Nancy–oh, you gonna have to help me with this one. Nancy Squanjack?

Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders. Nancy Saunders.

Victor Ramos: Interesting. Uh, Miss Saunders welcome, now is the city beefing up security in this days of elevated terrorist-s?

Nancy Saunders: Well as of Monday we´ve been performing random bags checks. We´ve also been—

Victor Ramos: Excuse me. Wouldn´t you say the best defense is a strong offense, Miss Squanjack?

Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders.

Victor Ramos: Ok, let me show you a little plan that Jeremy and I have come up with to deal with this suspicious weirdoes. Help me out on this Jeremy.

(Victor and Jeremy get up for a demonstration)

Jeremy Oskin: For this exercise I´ll be playing the good samaritan minding his or her own business. And Victor will be playing an Al-Qaida. (Victor puts on a backpack) “Hey, how are you? What is with that big backpack?”

Victor Ramos: “I´m looking for a place to fix my turban. Can you please tell me where I may find a train full of innocent people?”

Jeremy Oskin: Hmmm. This man says he needs his turban fixed. And that´s weird. Why would he do his business in a train as well? That´s suspicious.

Victor Ramos: Jeremy has realized this is a prime opportunity to quiz the perpetrator.

Jeremy Oskin: “So let me ask you this. Who is the most talented martial artist of all time?”

Victor Ramos: Now, if the perpetrator were to answer anything other than A)Bruce Lee or B)Chuck Norris, he better C) his way out of this country before we kick his ass.

Jeremy Oskin: At which point I would commence my attack with whatever weapons available to me and in this case is a big bag of extra hot Cheetos which I would push into his face. Yipow!(pushes bag into Victor´s face)Then with my trusty throwing star plunge it into his shoulder. Yiah!(he demonstrates) And with my feet and knees which are both registered with the FBI, I would kick his balls.(he demonstrates the stomping)

Victor Ramos: Yes. Now a kick to the testicles is not lethal. Testicles are made out of a spaghetti-o like substance so you would not kill the assailant but merely bring him down.

Jeremy and Victor: Osu. (they bow to each other, sit)

Nancy Saunders: Well, um, that was a wonderful play. But we at the Transit Authority we just can´t randomly attack people.

Victor Ramos: I don´t tell you how to drive a bus. Don´t tell us how to randomly attack people.

Nancy Saunders: I´m not a bus driver. I´m the head of security for the Transit Authority.

Victor Ramos: Whatever you say, Miss Squanjack. If that is your real name.

Nancy Saunders: Its not. Its not my real name.

Victor Ramos: Ok, well that´s all the time we have left. I want to thank my co-host Jeremy Oskin and my special guest Miss Squanjack.

Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders!(almost losing her cool)

Victor Ramos: And remember, when in doubt, fight back. Jeremy, lets show ´em what we got.

(Jeremy starts throwing ninja stars into a target. And Victor demonstrates his nunchucks abilities)

(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

The Coma

Girlfriend…..Amy Poehler
Doctor…..Chris Parnell
Jerry…..Dane Cook
Kevin…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Good Samaritan Hospital, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, hospital room, as Girlfriend rushes in to meet the Doctor sitting next to comatose Jerry, who lies in a hospital bed ]

Girlfriend: Doctor, I came as soon as you called!

Doctor: We’re seeing some signs that your boyfriend may be waking up.

Girlfriend: Oh, my God. I thought this day would never come.

[ suddenly, Jerry comes back to life with a series of rough, staggering coughs ]

Jerry: [ dazed ] Where am I?

Girlfriend: Jerry!

Jerry: What happened?

Girlfriend: You were in a coma.

Jerry: Can I have some water? [ Girlfriend gives him a glass of water ] What happened?

Girlfriend: Sweetheart, you were in a horrible karaoke accident.

Jerry: [ lapping up the water ] I was so drunk. What day is it? Oh, God, how long have I been out for?

Doctor: 24 hours. It was very touch and go.

Jerry: [ reaching out to Girlfriend ] Oh, thank God that you’re here, babe. This must have been so hard for you.

Girlfriend: Yes.. it was. [ awkwardly ] Um.. We didn’t know if you were gonna wake up, and I had to accept that and move on with my life.

Jerry: [ confused ] Move on with your life?

Girlfriend: Jerry, this is my husband, Kevin.

Kevin: [ steps forward, smiling ] Welcome back, bro.

Jerry: [ outraged ] You got married? I was in a coma for a day!

Girlfriend: It was a long day, Jerry, okay? Kevin was a real comfort to me.

Kevin: Yeah, we hit it off. I saw her in line at Great Adventure, and I knew she was the one.

Jerry: [ offended ] You went to Great Adventure while I was in a coma?!

Girlfriend: [ in her feeble defense ] I was stressed, Jerry! You know I like to ride rollercoasters when I’m stressed!

Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!

Girlfriend: relunctantly ] Jerry, there are a few more things that I have to tell you.

Jerry: Good Lord!

Girlfriend: I sold your car.

Jerry: What?!

Girlfriend: For a dollar.

Jerry: What?!

Girlfriend: Awwww, you know I’m not good at selling things.

Jerry: It was a ’65 Mustang! My Dad gave me that car!

Girlfriend: Please, Jerry. I did what any normal person does when they grieve: I smashed all your records, I buried your golf clubs, I had sex with your brother —

Kevin: [ jumping in ] Which I am fine with, by the way.

Jerry: [ eyes the jacket Kevin is wearing ] Is that my jacket?

Girlfriend: It’s his jacket now. Please don’t yell at my husband.

Jerry: This is crazy! Throughout our whole relationship, I’ve been patient with you, okay? I quit my job for you, I moved here for you, I converted to Christianity for you —

Girlfriend: I know..

Jerry: My God! The penis reduction surgery – for you!

Girlfriend: I know. Thank you for that.

Jerry: This is a steaming pile of bull-crazy!

Doctor: I would watch yourself, Jerry. We don’t want to have to put you back into another coma.

Jerry: What do you mean, put me back into a coma?

Doctor: Well, we medically-induced your coma because you were rude to some of the nurses. These women work hard, and they don’t deserve to be sassed – not on my watch.

Jerry: So, there’s nothing wrong with me?

Doctor: Oh, on the contrary. You had a bad broken toe.

Jerry: Yuo are a terrible doctor!

Doctor: Hmm. And you’re a terrible patient. Keep up that attitude, and you’ll be right back in that coma.

Jerry: [ nonplussed ] You’re threatening me?!

Girlfriend: Sweetheart, look. I can understand that you’re angry. The world has changed, and that must be very scary for you.

Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!

Girlfriend: You missed a lot of thing. You know – your monday night football, the Tuesday morning paper. Our wedding, your funeral —

Jerry: You had a funeral?!

Girlfriend: Don’t worry. I knew you’d be embarrassed about your karaoke accident, so I told everyone that you died from autoerotic asphixiation.

Jerry: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, that’s much less embarrassing.

Doctor: It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Jerry: I’m not ashamed, because I didn’t do it!

Girlfriend: Jerry, it was a great party. Everyone came by and said goodbye to you, we dressed you up like a girl and we took pictures of you.

Kevin: [ proudly ] I won the Limbo contest!

Jerry: Shut it, Kev! [ a beat ] You know what? I think this coma was the best thing that ever happened to me! Because now I get a peak into the darkness which is your stupid, ass-faced head of yours! Okay?! I’m gonna live life to the fullest from now on! I’m gonna bang tons of girls, I’m gonna get back into Motocross, and I’m gonna be Jewish again! But the first thing Im’ gonna do is, I’m gonna kick all three of your asses! [ to Kevin ] Starting with you, pal! [ lunges toward Kevin with his hands clenched ]

Girlfriend: Take it easy, Jerry..

[ Jerry falls to the floor ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Good Samaritan Hospital, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, hospital room, as Jerry once again lies comatose in his hospital bed. His girlfriend steps forward, now donning reddish hair. ]

[ suddenly, Jerry comes back to life with another series of rough, staggering coughs ]

Jerry: [ immediately ] How lnog was I out?

Girlfriend: 15 minutes.

Jerry: [ looks at her ] You changed your hair?

Girlfriend: Yeah. And I got a divorce.

Jerry: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God.

Girlfriend: But I’m pregnant.

Doctor: [ leans into frame ] And it’s my baby.

Jerry: Nooooooooooooo!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts