Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 3rd, 2005

Dane Cook

James Blunt

None

None

Jorma Taccone

JB Smoove
Tree Re-Lighting SpecialSummary: To celebrate the re-lighting of the tree in Rockefeller Center, a holiday choir sings religiously-neutral carols that won’t run the risk of offending viewers who don’t celebrate Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Harry Connick, Jr., Megan Mullally, Donald Trump.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Dane Cook’s MonologueSummary: Dane Cook performs stand-up on a variety of topics that includes photography and bouncing cashews off his penis.

Bio: Dane Cook (1972-). Comedian; created the Super Finger (Su-Fi) as a way of adding pizazz to the tradition of giving someone “the finger.”

Also Hosted: 06a.

Monday Morning AssemblySummary: Members of the West Bedford High School Drama Club re-enactment the morning announcements to the student body.

Transcript

Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: Repeat from 05b.

The Long Ride Home: The Jay Feely StorySummary: Feeling somber over his gaffes during the Giants game, Jay Feely (Dane Cook) nearly gets a chance to redeem himself on the ride home when the airplane pilot (Chris Parnell) suddenly takes ill.

Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Dane Cook) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: The buffet table doesn’t collapse the first time Dane Cook falls on it, so he intentionally throws himself into it a second time.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsals of the Steve Carell and Jon Heder episodes.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Two men (Andy Samberg, Will Forte) discuss the former’s problems over a head of lettuce, courtesy of the United Lettuce Growers Association.

Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Eva Longoria episode.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: Target employee (Kristin Wiig) and her trainee (Dane Cook) carry on unsettling behavior in front of customers.

Recurring Characters: Target clerk.

Transcript

James Blunt performs “You’re Beautiful”Bio: James Blunt (1974-). English singer-songwriter; former Officer with the British Army, who served as a NATO peacekeeper in Kosovo; he also performed duties at the Queen Mother’s funeral, including carrying her coffin.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Rachel Dratch plays a film of her recent experiences wandering through the city in fat padding. Michael Irvin (Kenan Thompson) comments on his recent drug arrest.

Transcript

The ComaSummary: Upon waking from a 24-hour coma, Jerry (Dane Cook) finds himself living in an altered universe where his grieving girlfriend (Amy Poehler) is sudenly married to another man (Will Forte).

Transcript

Fight Back with Victor RamosSummary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) and his sidekick (Dane Cook) show Chicago Transit Authority employee (Amy Poehler) the proper way to fight terrorism.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of this season’s episode hosted by Eva Longoria episode and last season’s episode hosted by Kate Winslet.

Transcript

James Blunt performs “Goodbye My Lover”

Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 05a.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Car RentalSummary: A car rental salesman (Dane Cook) creeps out a couple (Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch) when he cracks various bones in his body.

Stuart Little Mouse Removal KitSummary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.

Note: This commercial parody will later air on the episode hosted by Jack Black.

Scam ArtistSummary: A scam artist (Dane Cook) pretends to be other people in order to collect money from his victims.

HallmarkSummary: A sales associate (Dane Cook) at Hallmark is driven crazy when customers (Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig) delight in playing with a piano-playing mechanical snowman.

Carol!Summary: At the Bowl-a-Rama, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up another male friend (Dane Cook) with the enigma that is Carol (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

Note: This sketch will air next week on the episode hosted by Alec Baldwin.

Exercise ClassSummary: An exercise instructor (Dane Cook) makes his patrons stretch to “Walk Like an Egyptian”.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo Shoot

Mark…..Bill Hader
Leonard Kelly…..Jason Sudekis
Teri Hatcher…..Eva Longoria
Marcia Cross…..Amy Poehler
Eva Longoria…..Rachel Dratch
Felicity Huffman…..Kristin Wiig
Nicolette Sheridan…..Seth Meyers

[open on title screen with voice over: “And Now, The Question All Of Planet Earth Wants Answered…What Really Happened At The “Desperate Housewives” Vanity Fair Photo Shoot]

[dissolve to photo shoot, set up as a poolside patio, with two assistants setting up props]

Mark: [entering] All right, that looks great. Okay, just leave that. Thanks.

[assistants leave]

[title: “‘Vanity Fair’ Photo Shoot,” “February 12, 2005”]

Leonard: [enters, holding folder] Hey, Mark. Hello, I’m Leonard Kelly, publicist with ABC. We are so excited about the “Vanity Fair” cover. We can’t even tell you.

Mark: Oh, great, thanks.

Leonard: Uh, just a couple things I want to go over before the “Desperate Housewives” themselves get here, okay? Uh, let’s see. [opens folder] Number one, Teri Hatcher cannot be in the middle of the picture, okay?

Mark: [surprised] Okay.

Leonard: All right. Because if she is, the other four ladies will sue you. [laughs, and photographer joines in] That’s not a joke.

Mark: Wow.

Leonard: Not a joke. Number two, you cannot digitally replace any of the ladies’ heads with an extra Teri Hatcher head.

Mark: Why would I do that?

Leonard: I don’t know, but it’s happened to us before, okay?

Teri Hatcher: [enters, wearing a white bathrobe] Hi Mark. I’m Teri Hatcher. [shakes his hand] I’m so excited to be photographed by you. [removes bathrobe to reveal a red bathing suit] Ready when you are.

Mark: Uh, I thought we’d wait for the other ladies.

Teri Hatcher: Have it your way.

Marcia Cross: [enters wearing a white bathrobe over a green bathing suit] Hi, hello, Mark. I’m Marcia Cross [shakes his hand], and I think this shoot is going to be tremendously fun. A few of our castmates can be a little bit difficult, but I’m the easygoing and normal one.

Eva Longoria: [enters wearing a black bathing suit and typing into a PDA] Hi, I’m Eva Longoria. Thank you so much for doing this shoot. I hear you’re really amazing. [extends a hand to shake without looking up from the PDA]

[Mark steps forward slightly and Leonard pulls Eva’s hand towards Mark to complete the shake]

Mark: Thanks. You are, too.

Marcia Cross: Oh, am I not amazing, Mark?

Mark: Huh?

Marcia Cross: Am I less than amazing? I mean, Eva’s amazing, you’re amazing, and am I just a little sesame seed in a dog’s excrement?

Mark: No, that’s not what I meant at all.

Marcia Cross: Okay, my mistake. Carry on!

Felicity Huffman: [enters wearing a white bathrobe and shakes Mark’s hand] Hi, I’m Felicity Huffman. Please don’t make me do anything dumb. [turns away]

Mark: Okay?

[Nicolette enters wearing a white bathing suit]

Mark: And you must be Nicolette Sheridan.

Nicolette Sheridan: [with very deep voice, used throughout] Where do I stand, sweetheart?

Mark: Uh, wherever you want. You know, let’s just start with whatever pose feels natural, okay? [women who are still wearing bathrobes remove them, and Felicity is now wearing a pink bathing suit] You know, use the way you guys actually feel about each other. Okay. [Eva and Teri begin jostling each other] And, go! [Eva and Teri start strangling each other, Nicolette looms horrifically over a languidly terrified Marcia, and Felicity puts her fingers to her head as if they were a gun, while flash photographs are taken] Okay, okay, maybe I should place you. You know what, Eva, I thought you would look great leaning against this chaise.

Eva Longoria: [pulling PDA from a pocket and typing] Oh, that sounds great. I love that.

Leonard: [holding a smaller PDA] Okay, Mark? Eva is text messaging me that she does not want to sit on the chaise.

Mark: You don’t like the chaise idea?

Eva Longoria: [typing] No, I love it. I think it’s genius.

Leonard: Eva is texting me that she wants to be in the front, or she will leave.

Mark: Let’s have you lay across the front.

Eva Longoria: Ooh, fun!

Teri Hatcher: Oh, I know! What if I’m in the middle, Mark?

[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]

Mark: Let’s have Teri–

Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t have Teri next to Marcia, because it makes Teri feel like her head is too small.

Teri Hatcher: Leonard, does my head look too small?

Leonard: I’m on it!

Mark: Okay, Felicity, how about–

Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t put Felicity next to Eva, because Felicity is allergic to Eva’s perfume.

Nicolette Sheridan: Let’s get this going before I have to shave my legs again.

Teri Hatcher: Okay, can I just say [walks towards center of shot] I am so happy to be with you guys [steps forward], and to have my comeback. [smiles and poses]

[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]

Mark: Nicolette, let’s have you sit–

Leonard: No, no, no, I’m sorry, you can’t have Nicolette sitting or you’ll see her package. [points downward]

Nicolette Sheridan: I don’t want them to see my balls, Leonard.

Leonard: I’m on it!

Nicolette Sheridan: Thank you.

Mark: Okay, Marcia, how about you move about two inches to the left. [Marcia screams theatrically] Or not.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, Marcia, don’t cry! [rushes up to her] We’re all here together. [steps forward and poses]

Marcia Cross: Get her out of the middle!

[other housewives scream, “Nooooo!!!” and Nicolette picks Teri up and moves her to the edge of the shot]

Mark: Let’s shoot this, ladies!

Nicolette Sheridan: I moved her!

Marcia Cross: Good job.

[woman pose as actually featured on the cover of Vanity Fair ]

Mark: Three, two, one! [bright flash]

[dissolve to photo with title: “Vanity Fair,” and article titles, including “Housewife Confidential!” matching actual Vanity Fair cover]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Jean Schmidt…..Rachel Dratch
Steven Jobs…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, all hell broke loose in the House of Representatives last night when Ohio Republican Jean Schmidt was violently booed by her colleagues for implying that Congressman John Murtha was a coward for wanting to pull our troops out of Iraq. Take a look…

(Cuts to actual footage of Jean Schmidt)

Jean Schmidt: He asked me to send congress a message, stay the course! He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message ‘that cowards cut and run, marines never do.’

(Booing beings and grows louder. A gavel can be heard trying to silence the people as well as a man yelling at them)

Danny and the rest of America, and the world want the assurance from this body that we will see this through…

Tina Fey: Wow, I haven’t heard booing like that since I quit stripping.

Prior to serving in Congress, John Murtha was a decorated 37 year veteran, where as Jean Schmidt was, I’m just guessing from her outfit, a 1970s gymnast.

Schmidt addressed the house later in the evening and retracted her statements. We have that video as well…

(Cuts to a video of Rachel Dratch as Jean Schmidt)

Jean Schmidt: My remarks earlier tonight were not directed at any specific member of the house, and certainly not at the honorable gentleman from Pennsylvania, Mr. Murtha. But like the saying goes, if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

(Booing begins)

I meant me! I meant that I’m the freshman representative here, not Congressman Murtha who has been serving his country with distinction for ‘coon’s age.

(Booing continues still!)

An expression. I always thought, referred to the longevity of raccoons…. Although it occurs to me now that I may have been wrong about that. Donna Brazil, you have my apologies.

(A crumpled up piece of paper is thrown at her)

Hopefully we can all move on from this issue and like the Beatles said, ‘Let it be’ because I think we all can agree that the Beatles were not that great of a band.

(Booing grows louder and even more pieces of paper are thrown)

Tina Fey: Wow! Jean Schmidt!

Amy Poehler: Wow! She really cannot read the room there!

Tina Fey: Hm um!

Amy Poehler: Hello! Reporter Bob Woodward testified this week that a White House informant revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to him weeks before her identity was disclosed. And, as he did during Watergate, Woodward nicknamed his informant after the day’s most popular porno movie. Which has everyone wondering, just who is ‘Anal Debutantes #34?

The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor, accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesman for Halliburton said, “Millions? With an ‘M?’ That is adorable.”

Tina Fey: According to a document released Monday, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito wrote in 1985, that he was proud to support the Regan administrations efforts to ban abortion. Alito has since backed away from that statement saying he made a lot of bad decisions in the 80s.

(Shows a picture of him Alito with very crazy blonde hair, in a white suite and an aqua colored t-shirt with sunglasses hanging from the collar.)

President Bush’s overall approval ratings have hit a new all-time low of 36% with only 34% of Americans saying they find the president trustworthy and 41% saying they believe the President misled the nation about the war in Iraq. If Bush’s numbers don’t improve he could become the first president to be held back and forced to repeat his presidency.

Amy Poehler: On Wednesday, Bill Clinton criticized the Bush administration saying the Iraq war was a big mistake. And whatever your opinion of ex-President Clinton, he’s an expert on big mistakes.

(Shows a picture of Monica Lewinsky)

Tina Fey: This year’s Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was chopped down from a property in Wayne, New Jersey and set in place last week. The tree, a 74-foot Norway Spruce, was selected after the first choice, a 75-foot-tall Scotch Pine, tested positive for steroids.

Amy Poehler: We are very honored here at Weekend Update to have a very special guest. Here to talk about the hottest gifts this holiday season, CEO of Apple Computers, Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs: Thank you Amy and Tina. Are you looking for the perfect holiday gift? Well it’s here, the new iPod.

Tina Fey: Oh! The iPod Nano? I got that one, I love it!

Steve Jobs: Nope!

Amy Poehler: Oh oh! No! Tina, I bet it’s that new video iPod. Those look really cool; I want to get one of those!

Steve Jobs: No! Those are both obsolete. This one came out just a few minutes ago.

Amy Poehler: A few minutes ago?

Steve Jobs: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, introducing, and I’m thrilled about this, the iPod Micro!

(He pulls out an iPod that is no more than an inch tall)

Tina and Amy: Wow!

Steve Jobs: The iPod Micro holds over 50 thousand songs! It has iPhoto, you can watch movies on it, in high definition.

Tina Fey: But we can barely see it.

Steve Jobs: Exactly! That’s exciting!

Amy Poehler: Well I guess, but how are we supposed to watch movies on it?

Steve Jobs: Well, you don’t have to worry about that because by Thanksgiving, the iPod Micro will be obsolete!

(He throws it onto the Update desk. Tina and Amy gasp)

Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled about this, introducing the new iPod Pequeño.

(He pulls out one that is at least half the size of the iPod Micro)

Tina Fey: When did that come out?

Steve Jobs: Just now! The iPod Pequeño, the smallest iPod yet! It holds a million songs! A million songs! A MILLION SONGS! It has an iCalendar that goes seven thousand years into the future, iPhoto, you can watch movies on this!

Amy Poehler: Geez, you know that thing’s really small.

Tina Fey: And you can watch movies on that?

Steve Jobs: Not any more, because by Christmas, the iPod Pequeño will be obsolete.

(He throws it down on the desk as well)

Amy Poehler: Wait, that iPod was only out for like five seconds.

Steve Jobs: Five seconds too long! It was too big! Ridicules, old, obsolete! But guess what, I’m very proud to introduce, and I’m thrilled about this, the new iPod Invisa.

(He ‘pulls’ something out but he is really not holding anything)

Amy Poehler: Okay, wait a minute Steve Jobs, I don’t even think you’re really holding anything.

Steve Jobs: I am! The iPod Invisa, the perfect stocking stuffer. It holds 8 million songs, every photograph ever taken, Pong. And watch…

(He purposely throws ‘it’ on the desk.)

Steve Jobs: Oops I dropped it, but where did it go, on the ground? No, it’s floating!

Tina Fey: Steve Jobs everyone.

Amy Poehler: He wasn’t holding anything you guys. Thank you Steve.

Tina Fey: A raid by federal, state and local authorities at a Wal-Mart store construction site in Pennsylvania netted 125 arrests for alleged immigration violations. Not surprisingly, they were all found in the ‘Illegal Immigrant Aisle’.

Amy Poehler: It was announced this week that Regis Philbin will host a Fox New Year’s show that will air opposite Dick Clark’s show. The difference between the two? (imitating Regis Philbin) “More yelling!”

A spokeswoman for Michael Jackson said the pop star never intended to use the ladies room in a Dubai Mall, he just did not recognize the Arabic sign on the door. In fairness though, this is the Arabic symbol for a ladies room.

(Shows a sign with a person that resembles Jackson)

Fox is concerned about possible fines from the FCC after a scene in last week’s ‘The OC’ in which Mischa Barton’s nipple briefly slipped out of her shirt, most likely in search of food.

Tina Fey: The Vegetarian Society of England gave this year’s award for best restaurant to the Rainbow Cafi in Cambridge. Read the full reviews in this month’s issue of vegetarian magazine ‘So Very Weak.’

A 15-year-old boy who married the 37-year-old mother of one of his friends, said that the relationship was consensual and that he is in love with her…boobies.

Amy Poehler: A school in suburban Detroit removed the song ‘Pick A Bale of Cotton’ from a middle school concert after a black parent complained that it glorified slavery. To be fair, it was the Stephen Foster Middle School For Glorifying Slavery.

According to a new study, machines will take over from humans as the biggest users of the Internet. Thanks to new technology that allows machines to masturbate.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Amy and Tina wave to the camera; fade]

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Clark Gable…..Darrell Hammond
Judy Garland…..Kristin Wiig
Alfred Hitchcock…..Horatio Sanz
Chesterfield Girl…..Amy Poehler
Ricky Ricardo…..Fred Armisen
Lucille Ball…..Eva Longoria

[ open on TV Land title card: “1958 Variety Vault” ]

Announcer: You’re watching TV Land.

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. A caddishly-dressed Vincent Price, complete with black raven perched on his shoulder, steps before the camera. Thunder crackles outside the window. ]

Vincent Price: Greetings, weary travelers. My name is.. Vincent Price. Tonight, I offer you passage in the dark recesses of the supernatural.

[ sound effect: the crackling of thunder in the background ]

Hark! Did you hear that? Is that the children of the night crying out in unimaginable agony? Or, is it.. my Thanksgiving special?

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: It’s “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Now, please welcome your nefarious host, the Master of Horror – Vincent Price.

[ return to Vincent Price, now leaning against the fireplace ]

Vincent Price: Thanksgiving. A holiday originating with the pagan festival of Brishnov Nishnak, where naked, blood-soaked man-beasts feast on the entrails of peasant children. It was either that, or the pilgrims came up with it – you know, I-I don’t really know. I went to a small school, it was just me and two other guys. Nevertheless! It is a day marked by gourging one’s self on the flesh of a brutally decapitated fowl – a fowl brough to our banquet by the incomparable Clark Gable.

[ Clark Gable enters the room, carrying a huge cooked turkey on a platter ]

Clark Gable: All right, everyone, gather ’round! This Tom Turkey is fit for a king!

Vincent Price: Clark Gable. What brings you by the most evil, demon-plagued residence in the entire city of Burbank?

Clark Gable: I’m in town making a little film called “The Misfits”, with Marilyn Monroe.

Vincent Price: [ clearly uninterested ] Marilyn Monroe. How lovely.

Clark Gable: Yes, I hope it’s a long shot – if you know what I mean.

Vincent Price: [ disgusted ] Yes.. I unfortunately do. [ returns his attention to the camera ] Moving on! Much like the ancient Egyptian mortuary artisens filled their cadavers with carbonate salt, so must one prepare a good stuffing for the body cavity of our deceased being. Here, with that very delicacy, are my good friends Alfred Hitchcock and Judy Garland.

[ Alfred Hitchcock’s theme music pots up, as he and Judy Garland appear from the other side of a rotating bookcase ]

Judy Garland: [ clearly hocked up on drugs and living in her own distorted reality ] Oh, hello! Hello! Hello!

Alfred Hitchcock: [ holding half of a plate of stuffing ] Good.. ev-e-ning.

Judy Garland: Hi, everybody! I whipped up some of my famous cornbread stuffing for all of you!

Alfred Hitchcock: Although, unfortunately, I seem to have ingested most of it on the car ride over here.

Vincent Price: Well, uh.. you did leave half. That shows remarkable restraint.

Alfred Hitchcock: We’re here to present a short playlet, illustrating the events surrounding the first Thanksgiving.

Judy Garland: Oh, a play! I just love the theatre, don’t you, Mickey Rooney!

Alfred Hitchcock: [ puts the stuffing down, and wraps a homemade Indian headdress around his head ] Okay, let’s begin.

Vincent Price: Splendid.

Alfred Hitchcock: “Greetings, white man. We welcome you to our forest.

Judy Garland: [ holds up her hands and staring at them ] Oh! Did you ever get the feeling that your hands are made of sand!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Is that part of the play, or are you asking me?

Judy Garland: Oh! Oh, Toto! Oh, I don’t think I want to be on this boat any more!

Vincent Price: [ bemused ] I see. Well, that truly was a wonderful play. Now, I think this would be a good time to give Miss Garland a nice, cold shower and maybe a gallon of coffee.

Clark Gable: I always find what usually helps is a little hair of the dog.

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] You’re not helping, Gable! [ everyone else joins Gable on the couch ] Now.. while we get this sorted out, please enjoy this word from one of our sponsors. [ Judy Garland falls to the floor and slithers ] Oh, she’s on the floor now. [ losing his cool ] Am I the only one seeing this?!

[ dissolve to sponsor – Chesterfield Cigarette girl dressed in a Chesterfield cigarette box, dancing ]

Chesterfield Girl: [ singing ]
“Chesterfield! Chesterfield! Most doctors recommed Chesterfield.”
Chesterfield Cigarettes!

[ dissolve back to the Thanksgiving special, Vincent Price in mid-conversation with an unfazed Alfred Hitchcock ]

Vincent Price: — Now, why would you bring her here in this condition? I mean, it’s ten o’clock in the morning — ! [ looks up at the camera ] Are we back? [ his eyes grow wide ] Are you serious? Who makes twelve-second cigarette commercials?! [ mutters to himself ] This is ridiculous.. All right.

[ Price stands to resume the Thanksgiving special ]

Welcome back, wanderers. You have survived thus far, and for that I salute you. We have a s for you now. We have a turkey, and Hitchcock hasn’t eaten all the stuffing yet. And all that’s left is a nice dessert. And here with a nice pumpkin pie, is everyone’s favorite ilegal alien – Desii Arnez, and his lovely wife, Lucille Ball.

[ cut to Desi and Lucy on the far end of the set interior ]

Desi Arnez: Thank you, Vincent.

Lucille Ball: Happy Thanksgiving, Vincent!

Desi Arnez: Lucy! Take it easy.

Lucille Ball: I’m sorry, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Okay, that’s better. Look, Vincent, we brought you fried plantains, a traditional Cuban Thanksgiving dessert.

Vincent Price: Plantains? Well, that’s interesting. I had you down for a pumpkin pie, but, hey, why listen to me? I’m only the host of the show.

Desi Arnez: Now, ladies and gentlemen, Thanksgiving is different in Cuba, where I am from, so I wrote a song about it for you, and Lucy promised me she wouldn’t sing at all.

Lucille Ball: Oh, come on, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Lucy, you promised.

Lucille Ball: Oh, but, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Lucy, NO!

Lucille Ball: Fine! [ stomps away offscreen ]

Desi Arnez: Here we go. [ begins to bang on the bongos as he sings ]
“Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving!
It’s that turkey time of year!”

[ Lucy re-enters scene, singing shrilly ]

Lucille Ball: “Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving!”

Desi Arnez: Lucy! I told you no singing!

Lucille Ball: Oh, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Please.

Lucille Ball: [ a delayed reaction, then finally: ] Waaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[ cut back to Price ]

Vincent Price: Well, I can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. And, thankfully, that’s all the time we have. I’d like to thank all my guests — [ glances to the side to find: ]

Judy Garland: [ clutching toward a portrait of George Washington ] George! George! George, you won’t even look at me, George! Oh, George! George! Don’t you remember Paris, George!

Vincent Price: [ outraged ] What is she doing back in here?! Hitchcock, take care of her!

[ Hitchcock rises from the couch and slowly advances towards Judy as he would at the beginning of one of his television shows ]

Vincent Price: [ rolls his eyes at the slowness in Hitchcock’s gait ] Take your time, buddy, you know, there’s no rush!

[ move closer on Price, as the houselights dim and the lightning flashes outside ]

You have just adjourned into the very cortex of evil incarbate. You may now return to the drudgery that is your present existence. But, wait, you forgot something – your soul! [ lets out a nefarious, echoed laugh as the camera zooms out ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Thanks for watching.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

The Needlers

DJ…..Andy Samberg
Male Classmate…..Kristin Wiig
Female Classmate…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Will Forte
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
Claire Rubino…..Eva Longoria

[open on exterior of Mariott hotel]

[zoom in and fade to interior]

DJ: Hofstra University, class of ’95, hope you’re enjoying your reunion. Y’all remember this classic?

[“This is How We Do It” plays]

Female Classmate: Hey, you guys, I just ran into Brian Stanfield. Do you know that he has three kids?

Male Classmate: That goofball?

Jerry: Hey, what ever happened to Dan Needler and that girlfriend of his?

Female Classmate: Sally Henson? I heard they got married.

Male Classmate: Really? I have never seen a couple fight so much.

Female Classmate: Yeah, that was college. I mean, we’ve all grown up since then.

[Sally and Dan enter]

Sally Needler: No, Dan, you’re wrong. We met on the library steps!

Dan Needler: No, we sat next to each other in the dining hall.

Sally Needler: I wouldn’t be with you if you were eating when we met. You eat like an animal!

Dan Needler: Oh, don’t be silly! An animal wouldn’t eat your cooking.

Sally Needler: Son of a bi–

[slapstick jingle plays with still photo montage]

Singers: [singing voice over] They yell and scream and fight a lot and then they fight some more. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] They curse and cuss and cause a fuss and make up on the floor. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: “The Needlers”] The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]

Man: [voice over] The Needlers.

[dissolve to reception]

Dan Needler: Hey, everybody!

Sally Needler: Hey, you guys.

Female Classmate: So, you guys got married! Congratulations!

Dan Needler: Yeah, we would have invited you guys, but somebody had fifty cousins we haven’t seen since the wedding.

Sally Needler: Will you please stop referring to me as “somebody?”

Dan Needler: As soon as you stop treating me like a nobody.

Sally Needler: Ugh. Earn it.

Male Classmate: Um, uh, hey! You look great, Sally!

Sally Needler: Thank you. It’s so nice to hear that. [to Dan] What a simple thing to say to somebody to make them feel good.

Dan Needler: It’s amazing the reaction you get when you’re not wearing sweat pants.

Sally Needler: Well, tonight’s a special occasion.

Dan Needler: “Special occasion” is Sally talk for “open bar.”

Claire: Hey, guys!

Jerry: Oh, my goodness, Claire Rubino?!

Claire: Oh, my God, everybody looks so great! [gasps] Is that Dan Needler?!

Dan Needler: Yeah.

Claire: Oh, Sally, don’t tell me you landed that catch!

Sally Needler: Well, I didn’t land him so much as he beached himself on my couch.

Dan Needler: Your couch? What did you pay for your couch with? Did you get the “watching Oprah” job?

Claire: Dan and I dated for about five minutes in college.

Dan Needler: Five minutes? It was a month and two days.

Sally Needler: Oh, you remember that.

Dan Needler: I have a good memory.

Sally Needler: When’s our anniversary?

Dan Needler: The spring.

Jerry: I thought you two dated all through college.

Dan Needler: No, it was that time we broke up.

Female Classmate: Oh, the time you broke up over the Scrabble game?

Sally Needler: No.

Male Classmate: Oh, was it the fight you had over daylight savings time?

Dan Needler: No.

Claire: Was it the time you threw her a surprise birthday party, but she was so surprised she peed her pants, and then you laughed, and she claimed you’d done it all on purpose, so she tipped over the drink table and the party was canceled?

Dan Needler: Yeah!

Sally Needler: That was exactly it! Oh, college, such memories!

Dan Needler: Such good memories.

Claire: So, are you still doing your painting, Dan?

Dan Needler: No, Sally didn’t really support that.

Sally Needler: Yeah. Sally didn’t want to live on the side of the highway.

Dan Needler: I loved painting.

Sally Needler: Then paint the bathroom!

Dan Needler: So, Claire, what do you do?

Claire: Oh, I’m a marriage counselor.

Female Classmate: Oh!

Male Classmate: You guys should catch up, the three of you.

[classmates step away in various directions]

Claire: So, um, have you two ever thought about marriage counseling?

Sally and Dan Needler: [speaking over one another] No! What, no, us? What, no. Why would we do that? That’s crazy.

Sally Needler: What would be even do in counseling?

Claire: Well, for instance, you could do role playing. Like, Dan, why don’t you pretend to be Sally? [Dan nods and turns to walk away] Wait, Dan, Dan, where are you going?

Dan Needler: Oh, I thought I was Sally, so I was headed to the bar to embarass myself.

Claire: That’s not helpful, Dan.

Sally Needler: [with an exaggerated dumb “Dan” face and monkeyish mannerisms] Don’t tell me what’s helpful! I’m Dan Needler! I got a way of doing things that took me straight to the middle!

Dan Needler: For the record, I don’t sound like that.

Sally Needler: [as “Dan”] For the record, I don’t sound like that!

Dan Needler: Could I talk to you for a second?!

Sally Needler: Absolutely!

Dan Needler: Follow me!

[Dan storms out, Sally following behind, with Dan knocking aside a bunch of ballons that buffet Sally]

Jerry: So, do you think you can help them?

Claire: Oh, no, no. That couple is beyond help.

Male Classmate: Hey, the Needlers are having sex in the coat room.

Claire: Oh! My coat is in there!

Male Classmate: Uh, what kind of coat is it?

Claire: It’s the white, with the fur collar.

Male Classmate: Yeah, you’re not going to want that back.

Sally Needler: Oh, okay, all better.

Dan Needler: Oh, we have to go. But, Claire [points at her], would you have any interest in having a three-way with us?

Claire: No! absolutely not!

Sally Needler: Jerry? [gestures at him]

Jerry: I guess so.

Sally Needler: Come on! [makes a “come along” gesture to Jerry]

Dan Needler: [claps] All right, well, let’s go, Jerry!

[they exit as Claire shrugs at male classmate]

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Eva Longoria’s Monologue

…..Eva Longoria
…..Chris Parnell
…..Horatio Sanz
Voice of Mary Alice…..Kristin Wiig
Voice of Don Pardo…..Darrell Hammond

Eva Longoria: Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much! I’m so excited! I’m so excited and nervous to be here, mainly because all of you mainly because all of you know me as a man-eating super vixen who seduces teenaged gardeners. But I’m also on “Desperate Housewives.” [ looks offscreen ] Uh.. excuse me, Chris, what are you doing over there?

[ cut to a shirtless Chris Parnell trimming a hedge ]

Chris Parnell: Hey, Eva. [ stretches ] I, uh, finished trimming the hedges? Is there anything else you need me to do?

Eva Longoria: No, I-I’m fine, Chris, thanks.

Chris Parnell: Alright. No problem.

Eva Longoria: You know, I am so lucky to be on “Desperate Housewives”. It is so nice to finally play a non-stereotypical Latino role. [ Howario Sanz sneaks up behind her in a sombrero and a fake mosutache, then quickly ducks away ] I mean, you have no idea how proud Latinos are everywhere. [ Horatio eases back on stage, sans sombrero but still wearing the fake mosutache ] Hey, Horatio! How are you doing?

Horaio Sanz: [ pulls the fake moustache away ] Hey, hey! How are you doing?

Eva Longoria: What are you doing here?

Horaio Sanz: Uh.. not playing a gardener! Bye! [ darts off ]

Eva Longoria: Okay! Anyway, where was I?

Voice of Mary Alice: As Eva stood on stage, she wondered why was she hosting, and not me, Mary Alice, the dead narrator.

Eva Longoria: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Mary Alice, what are you talking about?

Voice of Mary Alice: I’m the glue that holds “Desperate Housewives” together. And, yet, I’ve never beeen invited to a movie premiere. I wasn’t in Maxim’s Hot 100.

Eva Longoria: Well, that’s because you’re a disembodied voice.

Voice of Mary Alice: Tell me about it. You get to go out with a handsome basketball player – who gets to go out with a disembodied voice?

Eva Longoria: Well, um.. you know what? It’s a good thing you’re here tonight. Mary Alice, I’d like you to meet Don Pardo.

Voice of Don Pardo: Hello, Mary Alice! I’m gonna rock your world!

Voice of Mary Alice: Oh, Don!

Eva Longoria: Ah, we’ve got a great show. Korn is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Goodnights

…..Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria: Thanks to Korn! Thank you to the cast and the crew of “SNL” for making my dreams come true. And to my Honey Bunny: “Good night, I love you!” And good night, New York!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Firmium

…..Seth Meyers
…..Eva Longoria
…..Rachel Dratch

[open on backstage location with lighting fixtures and sandbags, and Eva Longoria reading a script]

Seth Meyers: [entering stage right] Hey, great job tonight, Eva.

Eva Longoria: Oh, thanks, Seth.

[Seth exits stage left]

Eva Longoria: You know, whether I’m on the set of “Desperate Housewives,” the red carpet, or just out with friends, I can never afford distractions. That’s why I, Eva Longoria, choose Firmium [a bottle is handed to her from offscreen], the best diarrhea medicine on the market. [gentle music plays] Because the last thing I want to be thinking about when I’m in the middle of a love scene is whether or not I’ve got the brown drizzlies. Trust me, it’s hard to be glamorous when you’re about to launch a butt submarine. You know, for most of the first season of “Housewives,” I was a regular human espresso machine. That was before I discovered Firmium [holds up bottle], the number one way to make sure that when the time comes, you won’t be cranking out bowls of chocolate soft-serve. I know what you’re thinking: “Eva, I’ve tried everything out there, and I have yet to find a product that can prevent the release of my fudgy hostages.” To you I say, “Try Firmium.” And if you still feel like you’re about to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I, Eva Longoria, will personally refund your money.

Rachel Dratch: Hey, good luck in the next scene, Eva.

Eva Longoria: Oh, Rachel, it’s not luck. It’s this medicine that keeps me from pooping! [holds up the bottle and poses seductively while Rachel appears confused] Thanks, Firmium.

[dissovle to product title screen: “Firmium,” “The best diarrhea medicine on the market,” “Extra Strength,” “Fast, Safe Relief,” “500 tablets, 325 mg”]

Announcer: [voice over] Firmium, the medicine that keeps you from pooping.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

The Englehart Five

Helga Englehart…..Eva Longoria
Yorgen…..Seth Meyers
Fritz…..Bill HaderRolf…..Fred Armisen
Klaus…..Will Forte

[open on CD cover: “Wir Sind Glücklich! The Englehart Five,” with Helga surrounded by Fritz, Yorgen, Rolf, and Klaus holding musical instruments]

[dissolve to CD cover: “Achtung Fun,” with Helga, Rolf, Fritz, Yorgen, and Klaus all holding steins]

[all speech and singing is with heavy German accents]

Announcer: [voice over] Gather round, gather round! [dissolve to photo of Helga, Rolf, Klaus, Yorgen, and Fritz with their hands on each others’ shoulders] It’s Deutschland’s favorite singalong bad, the Englehart Five! [dissolve to CD cover: “Musik Musik Musik,” with Helga in a dirndl, Fritz, Rolf, Yorgen, and Klaus all pointing at a singing cartoon baby bluebird in a nest] For years, you’ve listened to their music, and now [dissolve to a photo of Helga’s face surrounded by her brothers’ in close up], after a two year hiatus, they are back with a new album, “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers.” [dissolve to CD cover: “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers,” featuring a photo of Helga with Fritz, Yorgen, and Rolf, and an empty silhouette between Fritz and Yorgen] With songs for the whole family, like “All Good Children Like Chocolate.”

[dissolve to woodlands scene with Helga, Fritz, Yorgen, and Rolf, and title: “All Good Children Like Chocolate”]

Engleharts: [singing] Some of the children, they like swimming. Some of the children, they like games. And all good children like chocolate. [whistling in tune]

Announcer: [voice over] It’s an album of great new hits. [dissolve to CD cover superimposed over Neuschwanstein Castle] Including the holiday song, “The Whole Family Is Here.”

[dissolve to interior of a hunting lodge with Fritz, Helga, Rolf, and Yorgen, and title: “The Whole Family Is Here”]

Engleharts: [singing] The whole family is here. We see each other once a year. But now there’s an empty chair at the table. [clapping in tune]

[dissolve to pastoral scene]

Announcer: [voice over] You’ll get that and more: [with scrolling titles] “Oktoberfest,” “Walking With My Sweetheart,” “Mother’s Flute,” “Our Dead Brother Klaus,” “Sing, Sparrow, Sing,” “A Terrible Phone Call About Klaus,” “Winter’s Delight,” “Pocket Full of Candies,” and “Hunting Accident.”

[dissolve to field with mountain backdrop with Fritz, Rolf, Yorgen, and Helga, with title: “Hunting Accident”]

Engleharts: [singing] Rolf and Klaus went hunting. They went looking for some deer. Rolf took aim and shot, and now Klaus is dead.

[dissolve to German village]

Announcer: [voice over] They’re all here! [with scrolling titles] “Cuckoo Clock,” “Why Would a Deer Be Wearing an Orange Hunting Jacket?,” “Smile With Me,” “Two Sets of Footprints Up The Mountain, One Set Down,” “Why Did You Wait Two Days to Call the Polizei?,” “Hey Rolf, Maybe Wear Your Glasses Next Time You Go Hunting With a Brother,” “Lonely Microphone,” and the Englehart Five classic hit, “Hey-Hey, The Gang’s All Here!”

[dissolve to stone balcony overlooking mountains with Helga holding a tambourine, Fritz holding a guitar, Yorgen, and Rolf holding a guitar, with title: “Hey, Hey, The Gang’s All Here!”]

Helga: Hey Yorgen!

Yorgen: Ja!

Helga: Hey Fritz!

Fritz: Ja!

Helga: Hey Rolf!

Rolf: Ja!

Helga: Hey Klaus!

[shot of a stool with an accordion sitting on it]

Engleharts: [singing] Looks like the gang is all here!

[dissolve to German village]

Announcer: [voice over] Purchase now, and enjoy both the previous and the following songs: [with scrolling titles] “Grandpapa’s Pipe,” “Rolf’s False Alibi,” “Too Soon to be Dating Klaus’ Widow,” “A Neighbor Heard You Arguing,” “Why Can’t You Look Me in the Eyes and Tell Me It Was An Accident?,” and “Strudel Party.” [with CD cover] “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers.”

[dissolve to CD cover superimposed over a meadow, with title: “20 EUROS” and “Virgin Uber Store” logo]

Different Announcer: [voice over] Available for 20 Euros at the Virgin Uber Store. All proceeds go to the Rolf Englehart Defense Fund.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
Tiara Zeeee…..Rachel Dratch
Tres Latraj…..Amy Poehler
Ms. Drama Martinez…..Eva Longoria
DJ Frontal Assault…..Bill Hader
DJ Dimitrios…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: You’re watching MTV 4, the alternative to the alternative. Next up, “Deep House Dish”.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Welcome to “Deep House Dish”, the only show devoted entirely to hip-hop and house music, and dishing out the latest house music stars for you to eat up. Yummy… YUMMY! I am DJ Dynasty Handbag and this is my co-host, Tiara Zee. Tiara’s going to give us a review of Madonna’s new dance mix. Hey Tiara.

Tiara Zee: Hey…

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara tell me, what did you think of Madge’s new moves?

Tiara Zee: Um… it’s okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: That’s it? That’s your review? Tiara, why are you so dull? I mean you need to work on that okay.

Tiara Zee: Okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Okay. First up on Deep House Dish is a new comer to the club scene. Please welcome Tres Latraj.

[tag: Tres Latraj- “I Killed Couture”]

Tres Latraj: [ singing ]
“I killed couture
In vinyl boots and plastic pants
I killed couture
Eating camembert outside of Paris, France
Bonjour couture.
I kill you you you you you you you you you you you.”

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Somebody just dropped some house on us! Now tell me, what’s next for Tres La?

Tres Latraj: Um, Dannii Minogue and I are DJ-ing for Ian McKellen’s 70th birthday party so I don’t need to be here.

(Tres Latraj walks off)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Uh! Oh, oh! That was rude the way she just jumped up and ran out of here, right?

Tiara Zee: That was.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara, please be less boring very soon, okay? I mean it’s not good for your health, all right? All right. Next up is someone who has defined dance music as we know it. Please put your hands together in a clapping motion for Ms. Drama Martinez!

[tag: Ms. Drama Martinez- “At the Club”]

Ms. Drama Martinez: [ singing ]
“Monday night, I was at the club
Tuesday night, I was at the club
Wednesday, had lower back pain, but Wednesday night, I was the club
Thursday, ate a bad fish sandwich, but Thursday night, I was the club
Friday, had lead poisoning, but Friday night, I was at the club
Saturday, had a root canal, but Saturday night, I was at the club
Sunday, another bad fish sandwich, but Sunday night, I was at the club.”

(Back Track: Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from my cluuuuub!)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from cluuuuub! Drama Martinez! Girl, where did you come up with those lyrics?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Those are not just lyrics, those things are things that really happened to me, they’re real.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You mean to tell me that you ate two bad fish sandwiches, had a root canal and lead poisoning all in one week?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Actually, I had a third fish sandwich, but I didn’t mention that one because I thought people would think I was a moron!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well, you must love fish sandwiches.

Tiara Zee: I can’t have fish.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Tiara, I am telling you as a friend, make sure when you move your lips, something interesting comes out, or else people is going to think there’s something wrong with your brain, okay? Moving on. Out next performers are very big on the club scene in Ibiza, Mallorca, Mykonos, the Maldives, and the Canary Islands. Give it up for DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios.

[tag: DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios- “Urgent Needs (Jake Gyllenhaal)”]

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: No surpriiiiiiise.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: In button flies.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: I wanna make you chicken.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: Shake or bake or finger linkin’.

Together: Call us on our cell phone….

DJ Dimitrios: 917-555-0155.

DJ Frontal Assault: 971-555-0155.

Together: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Jake Gyllenhaal… Jake Gyllenhaal! Oh my goodness! I think someone just added a floor to room to house music. Now what is the name of that song again?

DJ Dimitrios: It’s called “Urgent Need.”

DJ Frontal Assault: Parenthesis “Jake Gyllenhaal.”

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know, I’m going to immediately download that onto my iProd.

Tiara Zee: You guys really brought it.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OHH WEE TIARA! YOU ARE TEDIOUS! We need to get out of here. For me, DJ Dynasty Handbag and Tiara Zee, this has been Deep House Dish. We will see you at the club!

[fade]

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts