Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

System of a Down performs “Aerials”

…..Paula Abdul
…..System of a Down

Paula Abdul: Once again – System of a Down.

System of a Down:
“Life is a waterfall
We’re one in the river
And one again after the fall
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all.

‘Cause we are the ones that want to play
Always want to go
But you never want to stay
And we are the ones that want to choose
Always want to play
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life.

Life is a waterfall
We drink from the river
Then we turn around and put up our walls
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all.

‘Cause we are the ones that want to play
Always want to go
But you never want to stay
And we are the ones that want to choose
Always want to play
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life.
Aerials, so up high
When you free your eyes eternal prize.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life
Aerials, so up high
When you free your eyes eternal prize.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

System of a Down performs “B.Y.O.B.”

…..Johnny Knoxville
…..System of a Down

Johnny Knoxville: Ladies and gentlemen – System of a Down!

System of a Down:
“Why do they always send the poor?
My God is of Bible blood with pointed ears
Victorious, victorious steel
Can your spending kneel?
Marching forward hypocritic
And hypnotic computers
You depend on our protection
Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

La la la la la la la la la la

Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.

Kneeling roses
Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth
Breaking into Fort Knox
Stealing our intentions
Every city, gripped in oil
Crying freedom!!
Handed to obsoletion
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

La la la la la la la la la la

Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.
Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.

Blast off, it’s party time
And we all live in a fascist nation
Blast off, it’s party time
And where the (bleep) are you?
Where the (bleep) are you?
Where the (bleep) are you?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor!!

Kneeling roses
Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth
Breaking into Fort Knox
Stealing our intentions
Every city, gripped in oil
Crying freedom!!
Handed to a obsoletion
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

La la la la la la la la la la

Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.
Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sun.

Where the (bleep) are you?
Where the (bleep) are you?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?

Daron Malakian: FUCK, YEAH!!

System of a Down:
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
They always send the poor!
They always send the poor!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

Zarton…..Johnny Knoxville
Zebulon…..Chris Parnell
Human…..Will Forte
Jackson…..Kenan Thompson

[open on stock footage of a city at night with superimposed searchlights with title: “Channel 5 Late Night Movie”]

Voice Over: Welcome back to Channel Five’s late night movie, “Visitors From Another Planet.”

[dissolve to spaceship seen from space against backdrop of stars]

[dissolve to interior of spaceship with Zebulon and Jackson, who are aliens; all aliens wear silver spacesuits and have large craniums with three vertical ridges]

Zarton: [is an alien, entering with a man] Zebulon, I brought the Earthling I captured earlier today.

Zebulon: Excellent work, Zarton.

Human: I can’t believe I got kidnapped by Martians!

Zebulon: Martians? No, we are from the planet Plargon 7.

Zarton: I told you they weren’t a very intelligent species.

Zebulon: Fear not, human. We are a peaceful people, and I am sure you must have many question.

Human: Yeah, uh, did you guys build the pyramids.

Zebulon: Yes. We helped to construct your Great Pyramids many thousands of years ago.

Human: How about those crop circles?

Jackson: [sitting at console] The crop circles you speak of are manmade.

Human: Hmmm…oh, I got a good question. Why do you guys always anally probe people?

Jackson: What’s that? [stands]

Human: You know, when someone gets abducted they always get anally probed. Why?

[Zarton grimaces uncomfortably]

Zebulon: Uh, we don’t anally probe people.

Zarton: Q & A’s over. We should get out of here, Ace.

Zebulon: Zarton! What is he talking about?

Zarton: I don’t know. He’s probably got space sickness or something. Don’t worry, though. I’ll get him out of here.

Human: I just want to know why I got probed.

Zebulon: Wait. You were anally probed?

Human: Yeah, he said it was some kind of medical experiment.

Zebulon: Zarton?

Zarton: Why would I be doing a medical experiment? I’m not a doctor.

Human: He used that long, metallic test tube he carries he carries in his spacesuit.

Zebulon: Bad news. That wasn’t a test tube.

Human: Ah, well, that explains the scented candles and the Kenny Rogers music.

Jackson: Oh, man, you are so busted!

Zarton: All right, but look how he was dressed. He was asking for it.

Zebulon: He’s wearing overalls.

Zarton: Yeah, but he had one strap hanging down, and he was looking over his shoulder at me like that. [he acts all this out with his body language]

Zebulon: This is inexcusable, Zarton.

Zarton: Give me a break. I thought what happened on Earth, stayed on Earth.

Zebulon: Don’t they have females on Earth?

Zarton: Yes, but they’re one hundred feet tall, and strong, and hard to catch. [to human] Just go with me on this one.

Human: I’m not covering for you. You probed me!

Zebulon: You are a disgrace, Zarton. Consider yourself on immediate suspension from the Plargon Fleet.

Human: Ha-ha, you got busted. [chuckles]

Jackson: I don’t know what you’re laughing about. You’re the one who got probed.

Zebulon: Enough! Earthling, we will now send you back to your planet.

Zarton: Okay, I’ll take him back.

Zebulon: Not you, Zarton. I’m talking to Jackson.

Jackson: Oh, you got it boss.

Zebulon: But before you go, Earthling, I am sorry for any trouble Zarton has caused. And as a show of good faith, I will grant you the knowledge to solve the hunger problem that plagues your planet.

Human: Thank you, Zebulon. And even though we’re from different planets, you’ve shown me that good will can exist across the Universe.

Zebulon: Just go with Jackson in the library, and he’ll provide you with all that you need.

[Jackson and the human exit stage left]

Human: [from offstage] Why are there so many candles in here?

[Kenny Rogers’ “Lady” begins to play]

Zebulon: Kenny Rogers music always puts me in the mood.

Zarton: I told you these Earthlings are gullible.

Zebulon: Good job, Zarton.

[Zarton and Zebulon exit stage left, Zebulon unzipping his suit]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Johnny Knoxville’s Monologue

…..Johnny Knoxville
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Fred Armisen
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Amy Poehler
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Sophie Michaels
…..Don Pardo
Pardo’s Groupies…..Leo Allen, Eric Slovin
…..Seth Meyers

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Johnny Knoxville!

Johnny Knoxville: Thank you! Thank you! Wow! I’m psyched to be hosting “Saturday Night Live!” Ha ha! It’s been a total different experience than what I’m used to doing on television.

Audience Member: “Jackass”!!

Johnny Knoxville: [ laughs ] Thank you! Thank you – yes, “Jackass: The Movie.” That was some silly stuff. Good times, though. You know, but I promised my mom that I wouldn’t do dumb stuff any more, so I’m just doing serious movies now. I got “The Dukes of Hazzard” coming out later this summer. [ audience cheers ] It’s been a great week. Everyone here has made me feel really at home. Take a look!

[ dissolve to MTV-style cross-cut editing documenting “My week at SNL” ]

[ dissolve to Knoxville standing among wardrobe personnel in the wardrobe room, as he’s being measured; SUPER: “the wardrobe room” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: Here I am, at the start of the week in the Wardrobe Room.

[ a wardrobe guy cups his hands underneath Knoxville’s crotch, lifts him in the air and drops him to his face on the floor ]

[ dissolve to Knoxville entering the SNL office, as he shakes Fred Armisen’s hand; SUPER: “SNL offices” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: This is later that same day, meeting the cast.

[ as Knoxville leans in to shake Maya Rudolph’s hand, Fred Armisen sneaks up behind him and snaps a mousetrap on his ear. Amy Poehler then appears from behind to smack Knoxville in the back with a folding chair. Everyone laughs as Knoxville falls to the floor. ]

[ dissolve to Knoxville sitting in barber’s chair as make-up is applied to his face; SUPER: “the make-up room” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: This is the make-up room.

[ cue “Psycho” music, as the outstetched hand of Horatio Sanz moves forward with an electric shaver and shaves off a patch of Knoxville’s hair. Knoxville jumps, as Horatio and the others laugh. ]

Johnny Knoxville: [ feeling around his hair ] Did he get me?

[ dissolve to Knoxville in Lorne Michaels’ office, with Lorne and his young daughter; SUPER: “lorne’s office” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: Now, here’s my meeting with Lorne Michaels.

Johnny Knoxville: Aw, is this your daughter?

Lorne Michaels: This is Sophie. She’s a big fan of your movie.

Johnny Knoxville: Aww..

[ Knoxville laughs as he leans forward, and is quickly tazered by Lorne’s daughter. Knoxville again falls to the floor. ]

Lorne Michaels: Is that your brother’s stun gun?

[ dissolve to Knoxville entering the hall and crossing paths with Don Pardo, as crew members look on; SUPER: “meeting don pardo” ]

Johnny Knoxville V/O: And this is cool – just an hour ago, I got to meet Don Pardo!

[ Don Pardo parades down the hal with two male groupies in tow ]

Johnny Knoxville: Hey, Don Pardo! Oh, wow! [ shakes Don’s hand ]

Don Pardo: Johnny Knoxville! Nice to meet you. [ raises his leg and kicks Knoxville in the groin ]

[ dissolve back to Home Base ]

Johnny Knoxville: Man, I love Don Pardo. There you have it! That’s how my week has been. I’m not complaining, I’m hosting “Saturday Night live.” We’ve got a great show —

[ from out of the blue, Seth Meyers tackles Knoxville to the floor. Both men quickly jump back onto their feet. ]

Seth Meyers: Great show tonight!

Johnny Knoxville: Yeah! System of a Down is here. [ gives Seth Meyers a backhanded slap in the crotch ]

Seth Meyers: Oh! [ bends forward to the floor ]

Johnny Knoxville: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Primetime Live

…..Paula Abdul
John Quiñones…..Fred Armisen
Corey Clark…..Finesse Mitchell
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson
Simon Cowell…..Chris Parnell
Mario Vasquez…..Maya Rudolph
Constantine Maroulis…..Will Forte
Ryan Seacrest…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Paula Abdul, standing alone ]

Paula Abdul: What you are about to see.. [ the audience cheers abruptly ] Listen. What you are about to see is a re-enactment of some events of this week’s biggest news story. Now, all the facts have been changed, to get laughs at my expense. I hope you enjoy it.

[ dissolve to “Primetime Live” logo ]

Announcer: Tonight, on a special edition of “Primetime Live”, the shocking follow-up to our fallen “Idol” expose.

[ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Hi it’s Paula, call me back.” ]

[ SUPER: phone call transcripts: “Listen if the press is trying to talk to you, you say absolutely nothing.” ]

Announcer: Former “American Idol” contestant, Corey Clark, has remembered more details about his alleged relationship with “American Idol” judge, Paula Abdul.

[ dissolve back to John Quiñones in sit-down interview with Corey ]

John Quiñones: Corey, you claim you had a sexual relationship with Paula Abdul.

Corey Clark: Yeah. Me and her were, like, sex-ally active. Yeah.

John Quiñones: We talked about it Wednesday night on TV.

Corey Clark: Yeah.

John Quiñones: Mmm-hmm. But you felt you had some more to say?

Corey Clark: Yeah. I found some more evidence, you know what I’m sayin’? Like.. [ unfolds a piece of paper ] I found this receipt, from Carl’s, Jr.

John Quiñones: [ reading from receipt ] One fish sandwich, paid for with cash. Whose cash?

Corey Clark: Paula’s cash! I didn’t have money for luxuries like that!

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Was Paula Abdul feeding one contestant talents, while letting the others starve? In retrospect, it should have been obvious, from moments like this:

[ dissolve to Corey Clark singing on “American Idol” ]

Corey Clark: [ singing ]
“There’s a ribbon in the sky
A ribbon in the sky
There’s a ribbon in the sky, for our lo-o-ove!”

Paula Abdul: Corey, that was beautiful, you really blew me away. It’s just like I rolled over and said to you this morning: “You have real star quality.” I’ll see you at home.

Randy Jackson: You alright?

[ dissolve back to John Quiñones in sit-down interview with Corey ]

John Quiñones: Corey, why are you making all these claims now? Is this a publicity stunt for you?

Corey Clark: No, no! It’s, like, the opposite. You know what I’m sayin’? Look, I just wanna clear my name, before my record comes out, and before my book comes out! And before I startselling these t-shirts. [ holds up t-shirt; the front reads: “I did it with Paula Abdul..” with a photo of Corey smiling, the back reads: “Straight Up.” ] These are on sale at Von’s – and on my momma’s porch.

John Quiñones: Now, Corey, do you think Paula Abdul has slept with other contestants, besides you?

Corey Clark: I don’t know! I mean.. you know what I’m sayin’? I can’t think about stuff like that, because, like.. my mind is, like, not smart enough to figure that out.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Corey can’t figure it out, but can we? Look at this clip of Paula with contestant Mario Vasquez:

[ dissolve to Mario Vasquez singing on “American Idol” ]

Mario Vasquez: [ singing ]
“Just call my na-a-ame
And I’ll be the-e-e-e-ere!”

Randy Jackson: Dawg, that was hot, dawg, I was feelin’ it!

Paula Abdul: [ clapping with her arms stretched high ] Mario, you have a great voice, a great style. But I think you need to focus, on coming over to my hot tub and letting me rub your feet.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Or this clip of Paula with contestant Justin Guarini:

[ dissolve to Justin Guarini singing on “American Idol” ]

Justin Guarini: [ singing ]
“Celebrate good times, come on!”

Simon Cowell: Not your best. I thought it was cheesy.

Paula Abdul: I disagree. Justin, I really think you can win this competition. You have a great voice, a beautiful spirit, and you’re a tender and generous lover. Get in my car. [ mimes ] I’m gonna buy you a cell phone.

[ dissolve to stock “American Idol” montage footage ]

Announcer: Or this emotional outburst, when Constantine Maroulis was voted off the show:

[ dissolve to Constantine Maroulis singing on “American Idol” ]

Constantine Maroulis: [ singing ]
“Any way the wind blo-o-ows.”

[ emcee Ryan Seacrest emerges on stage next to Constantine ]

Ryan Seacrest: Great work, Constantine. You’re eliminated!

Paula Abdul: No-ho-ho! Not Constantine! Not my beautiful Constantine!

Simon Cowell: Paula! Get a hold of yourself!

Paula Abdul: Why does everyone I care about leave me! Keanu Reeves! The Lakers! M.C. Scat Cat! I can’t take any more!

Randy Jackson: Um.. you need to drink some orange juice.. or something.

[ the real Paula Abdul enters the scene to critique the performances ]

Paula Abdul: Alright. Great sketch, you guys. I just got three notes. Chris, um – great impression, but you need to wear a push-up t-shirt. Kenan, uh – you need about 14 more “dawgs.” And, Amy?

Amy Poehler: Yeah?

Paula Abdul: Uh – you need to perfect the clap a little more.

Amy Poehler: Okay.

Paula Abdul: And be a lot more sexier, so that contestants will be willing to sleep with you. and, uh – be willing to admit we’re “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Helping Hands Telethon

Helping Hands Host…..Johnny Knoxville
Andy…..Will Forte
Helping Hands Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Funtown Trio…..Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Rachel Dratch

(Open in studio full of operators taking calls and behind them the logo of Helping Hands which is two hands shaking, one hand white the other black)

Helping Hands Host: Welcome back! Ha,Ha. We’re having a great time here at the 6th annual Helping Hands Telethon. We’ve been at it 36 hours and folks we want you to keep calling in and sending in your donations. You know, I’ve met some many courageous people in my life’s journey (Helping Hands logo and number appear on the screen 1-800-555-0199) since we’ve been doing this.

(Andy picks up the phone)

Andy: Helping Hands.

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Just amazing, inspirational folks.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) People who just wanted to share their stories and talk and speak.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And when people communicate, when we put down the Starbucks coffee and the TV remote – we’re all winners.

Andy: OHH!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Over the years —

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) — we’ve raised thousands ofdollars and we’ve got to keep raising that money, and we’ve got to keep reaching in Helping Hands.

Andy: (yells) Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Recently, I met a courageous young woman from Marietta —

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) — Georgia, and she shared astory with me that just blew me away.

Andy: (quick) Oh no!

Helping Hands Host: Excuse me. (slightly anonoyed, walks over to Andy) Andy, is there a problem?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Have they made a donation?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Are they gonna make a donation?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Then, I need you to hang up that phone. (Andy slams the telephone down hard with both hands) Ha, ha! Because we want to keep those lines open for all of you generous folks out there. Our goal for this season is $10,000 dollars.

Andy: (picks up the phone) Helping Hands. Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And you know what? Our friends at the Home Depot (looks over his shoulder at Andy) are gonna match us dollar for dollar in store credit for all the money we raise.

Andy: (yells) Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (more angry now, turns to Andy) Andy, will you please do me a favor and hang up that phone! (Andy slams the phonedown) Thank you. I’m gonna have to ask you not to answer your phone again. (Andy makes a face of frustration and disappointment) And I’m gonna ask you (points at the viewer at home, while Andy touchesand caresses the phone) to welcome to the stage The Funtown Trio. Well, all right.

(Enter the trio, in the middle a man plays the guitar and two others sing, host stands behind Andy)

Funtown Trio: (Singing)
“Just yesterday, they let me know you were gone
Suzanne, the plans they made for you put an end to you.”

(Andy’s phone rings loud over the music. Andy has an intense, confused look on his face, worried about picking up or letting it ring.)

Funtown Trio: (continues)
“I walked out this morning, and I wrote you this song.”

Helping Hands Host: (angry) Andy, will you answer your phone!

Andy: Hellooooohhh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! (host interrupts the trio)

Helping Hands Host: Hey! Thank you, Funtown Trio. Thank you very much. Okay, folks, we’re gonna take a quick break!

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And we’ll be right back. So get those stories ready.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Director: And we’re clear. (Host turns to Andy mad as hell)

Helping Hands Host: Andy, what is your problem, you stupid idiot!

Helping Hands Director: Sorry, now we’re clear.

Helping Hands Host: Oh, great! You know it’s bad enough I have to do this stupid telethon I don’t even believe in.

Helping Hands Director: Oops! I’m sorry. We’re clear now. It’s my bad. My bad.

Helping Hands Host: Andy, why is your ringer so loud? Did you turn up your ringer?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Are you telling the truth?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Andy, you have to help me out here and be quiet, okay? (Andy nods with head yes) Are you gonna make any more disturbances?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Good.

Helping Hands Director: We’re back in.. 3.. 2.. (points athost)

Helping Hands Host: Ladies and gentlemen —

Andy: (Yells) Oh, no!

Helping hands Host: (loses it) That’s it, hang up your phone! (Every operator in the room slams their phones down hard) I just meant Andy. That is it, you are fired!! You’re out of here!!

Andy: Oh, no!

(Host gets very close to Andy and points at his phone)

Helping Hands Host: If you say “Oh, no!” one more time, I’m gonna take that phone and stick it up your ass!

Andy: Oh, no!

(Host rips off the phone and chases Andy all over the studio)

Helping Hands Host: That’s it. Come here, come here!

(Fanfare music)

Announcer: We’ll be right back with the 6th annual Helping Hands Telethon. (beat) Maybe.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Goodnights

…..Johnny Knoxville

[ Knoxville wears a t-shirt that reads: “I’m The Only HELL My Momma Ever Raised” ]

Johnny Knoxville: Thanks to Paula Abdul, System of a Down, Lorne Michaels, the cast and crew! Happy Mother’s Day – I love you, Mom! Madison, I love you! [ blows a kiss and claps ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

The Couple That Should Be Divorced

Ted’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jack’s Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Ted…..Chris Parnell
Jack…..Johnny Knoxville
Dan Harrison…..Seth Meyers
Sally Harrison…..Amy Poehler

[open on exterior of suburban home]

[dissolve to interior living room with two couples walking towards couches]

Ted’s Wife: Thanks so much for having us over.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, well it’s been ages since we’ve seen you guys.

Ted: Is anyone else coming, or is it just the four of us.

Jack: Well, yeah, the Harrisons are stopping by.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, no, Dan and Sally?

Jack’s Wife: Oh, come on, guys, they’re two of our oldest friends.

Ted’s Wife: But all they do is argue. It’s so uncomfortable!

Jack’s Wife: I know. Well, maybe it won’t be so bad. [grimaces]

[Sally and Dan enter; she is holding a covered pie-tin and he is carrying a bottle in a paper bag]

Sally and Dan: Hey!

Dan: Hi, everybody!

Sally: Hey, sorry we’re late, but somebody thought the back roads would be faster–than the highway.

Dan: Yeah, that’s why we’re late. Not because she had to go through thirty outfits to pick out this winner.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with still photo montage]

Woman: [singing] You’re the thorn in my side. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]

Man: [singing] You’re the face that makes me angry. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]

Both: [singing] Nothing you ever say or do is right. / [with title] “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas]

[dissolve to living room]

Sally: Hey, I made my famous pie.

Jack’s Wife: Oh, thank you! [taking it from her] Should I put it in the fridge?

Dan: You should put it in the garbage.

Sally: That’s my mother’s recipe!

Dan: No, your mother’s recipe is two parts silence, one part bitch.

Sally: Well, it beats his mom’s recipe: all parts gin.

Dan: How dare you!

Sally: How dare you! You–

Dan: [grunts angrily]

Ted’s Wife: Oh, this is funny. Um, Ted and I are taking a ballroom dancing class.

Jack’s Wife: Ooh, that’s great!

Ted’s Wife: Yeah, it’s really fun.

Ted: You should see this one rumba.

Ted’s Wife: Oh, Ted!

Dan: Are you guys learning the foxtrot?

Sally: What?

Dan: The foxtrot.

Sally: Foxbot?

Dan: Foxtrot.

Sally: Well, the first two times you said, “foxbot.”

Dan: Yeah, honey, they’re talking about ballroom dancing and I was talking abou the mythical half-fox, half-robot.

Sally: You’re an idiot.

Dan: [snarls angrily]

Ted: So, Jack, did you tell them about your promotion?

Jack: Well, yeah, that’s kind of why we’re celebrating.

Dan: Hey, congratulations, Jack! [pats Jack on the knee]

Sally: Yeah, we’re so proud of you, Jack!

Jack’s Wife: It’s so great. How’s work going for you, Dan.

Dan: Really great.

Sally: Huh.

Dan: Got something to say, Sally?

Sally: To you? Never.

Jack: So, what should we do before dinner?

Dan: We could play a game.

All Four Others: [shouting and with alarmed body language] No!

Jack’s Wife: Um, it’s just we played a game last time.

Dan: What did we play last time?

Sally: It was charades, and we lost.

Dan: Oh, that’s right. Somebody thought there was a movie called “When the Grinch Stole Thanksgiving.”

Sally: Guess what? [waggles her hands up and down with palms facing each other] This isn’t a Christmas tree.

Dan: Oh, what’s the point? What’s the point, guys?

Jack’s Wife: [grabbing bottle of wine from table] Hey, everyone! Sally brought wine! [opens the bottle]

Jack: Yeah, let’s start drinking! [reaches for a glass]

Ted: Asolutely! [taking a poured glass] So, how was your vacation?

Ted’s Wife: [to Ted] Why would you ask them that?

Ted: [to his wife] I don’t know.

Jack’s Wife: Cheers! Cheers.

Jack: Cheers.

Sally: So, we’ve been thinking about having kids. [all four others perform spit takes]

Dan: Nice pick on the wine, Sally.

Sally: Well, maybe next time, Dan, don’t honk the horn every thirty seconds while I’m in the store.

Dan: All right, I’ll go get another bottle. [stands and walks towards kitchen]

Sally: Ow!

Dan: What?!

Sally: [crying] You stepped on my foot!

Dan: Oh, then maybe we should call an ambulance, because that’s the noise a person makes when they break every bone in their foot.

Sally: You’re embarassing yourself.

Dan: Oh, I’m embarassing myself?! Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?!

Sally: Absolutely!

[they both storm through swinging double doors into the kitchen]

Jack: Man, I don’t get it. They obviously hate each other.

Jack’s Wife: They’ve been like this since their wedding.

Ted’s Wife: They were like this when they were dating.

Ted: We were there the night they met. It did not go well.

[loud crash from kitchen, followed by Sally groaning and then Dan]

Jack’s Wife: Oh, my God. Jack, do something; they’re going to break our dishes!

Jack: Okay, okay! [gets up and goes through the swinging doors, but returns immediately] They’re having sex.

Ted’s Wife: Are you sure he’s not trying to kill her?

Jack: It’s impossible. She’s on top.

Ted: A second set of eyes might help. [begins to stand]

Ted’s Wife: Sit down, Ted.

Ted: Whatever you say, cupcake. [sits]

Jack’s Wife: Wow, so I guess they won’t be getting divorced.

Sally: Hey, um, sorry about that, you guys. We needed to check on the pie.

Dan: Don’t worry; it’s still terrible.

Sally: Son of a–

Dan: What?!

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “Sally and Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]

[fade]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Mother’s Day Brunch

Jeremy’s Brother…..Seth Meyers
Curt’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jeremy…..Jason Sudeikis
Tom…..Chris Parnell
Diquonte…..Kenan Thompson
Grandmother…..Maya Rudolph
Kyle…..Finesse Mitchell
Young Father…..Rob Riggle
Young Mother…..Amy Poehler
Curt/Tiffany…..Johnny Knoxville

[open on restaurant exterior with awning: “Ferraro’s”]

[dissolve to a table in restaurant interior with seated woman wearing a patterned magenta blouse as two young men approach]

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Curt’s Wife: Oh, hi, boys.

Jeremy’s Brother: Hi. [kisses her on the cheek]

Jeremy: Hey, we got you these. [hands her a bouquet of flowers]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, thank you. They’re beautiful!

[the young men sit]

Jeremy’s Brother: So, where’s Dad?

Curt’s Wife: Uh, he’s in the bathroom, fixing his hair. [to a passing waiter] Oh, can I have a mimosa, please? And, um, hold the orange juice and instead of champagne, make it a scotch.

Tom: Yes, ma’am.

[pan to second table with older woman and two young men]

Diquonte: Grandma, this is you special day. Order anything you like.

Grandmother: Oh, that’s very nice of you, but I don’t want to fill up because I am having lunch with my grandsons later.

Kyle: Grandma, we’re your grandsons.

Grandmother: No, I don’t think so. My grandsons are very handsome.

[pan to third table with young couple and swaddled baby]

Young Father: Happy first Mother’s Day, mommy!

Young Mother: [holding the baby] Happy first Mother’s Day to you, daddy!

[both make “a-buh-buh-buh” sounds towards the baby]

Tom: [approaching the table] Hi, my name is Tom; I’ll be your waiter today.

Young Mother: Oh, Tom, look at our baby. Isn’t he cute?

Tom: He sure is.

Young Father: It’s his first trip to a restaurant!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, it’s the first time I’ve been out of the house in seven months.

Young Father: Hey, you’re his first waiter!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, first waiter! Get a picture!

Young Father: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [gets out a camera]

Young Mother: [handing the baby to Tom] Support his head. Support his neck! Support his neck!

[dissolve to first table]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, here comes your father.

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, Dad.

Jeremy: Dad!

[their father enters the frame; he has shoulder-length crimped hair and is wearing a fuschia dress and a necklace while clutching a pink purse]

Tiffany: Boys, I told you, you don’t have to call me that. It’s Tiffany. Hi, honey. [kisses his wife on the cheek]

Jeremy’s Brother: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Yeah, I’m not gonna call you that.

Jeremy: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Hey, Tiffany, I got a question. Which bathroom did you use?

Jeremy’s Brother: Jeremy!

Tiffany: No, no, that’s fine. That’s a perfectly normal question, and I want to answer them. I’m using the men’s room right now, because I still have my penis. But, as you know, in a few weeks, I’ll be undergoing a procedure where my surgeon will flay my penis open and fold it into a vagina. [his wife sits stoically while he describes this]

Jeremy: Aw, that’s awesome!

Jeremy’s Brother: Awesome, really?

Jeremy: Yep.

Jeremy’s Brother: Well, uh, happy Mother’s Day to both of you, I guess.

Tiffany: Oh, oh, no, no, this is your mother’s day. I don’t want to steal her thunder. [conspiratorially to his wife] But I would like that silk top.

Curt’s Wife: [strainedly] Curt!

Tiffany: It’s Tiffany.

Curt’s Wife: I’m not calling you Tiffany.

Jeremy’s Brother: Well, we got you both a card. So, there you go. [hands a card to his mother]

Curt’s Wife: Oh, look. It’s a little kitty hanging on a tree, and it says, “Sorry for you loss.”

Jeremy’s Brother: Yeah, it’s not really a Mother’s Day card, but it seemed appropriate.

Jeremy: And we got this for you, Tiff. [hands a card to his father]

Tiffany: Oh! “Happy Mother’s Day. Dear Father/Mother, As you make this transition, one thing is true. No matter what’s in your panties, we’ll always love you.”

Jeremy’s Brother: Yeah, I couldn’t believe they make a card that specific, but apparently they do.

Tiffany: That’s so thoughtful. [begins crying and dabbing his eyes with a cloth napkin] I’m sorry; it’s just the hormones. [voice suddenly becomes very gruff and masculine as he pounds his fists on the table] They’re wreaking havoc on my body!

Curt’s Wife: [looking from side to side] Where is my scotch?

[dissolve to second table]

Tom: Have you decided?

Kyle: Uh, yes. I’ll have the goat-cheese omelette, please.

Diquonte: Yeah, I think I’ll have the Dutch apple pancakes.

Grandmother: Psst! Psst! [waves Tom to lean in to her] If these two boys try to put all that food on my check, call the police, because I don’t know them.

Diquonte: Grandma, it’s me, Diquonte.

Kyle: And me, Kyle.

Diquonte: We’re your grandsons, remember? We picked you up at your house.

Grandmother: If you’re really my grandsons, answer me this: What is my name?

Diquonte: Grandma?

Grandmother: Ooh, y’all are good.

[dissolve to first table]

Tiffany: [setting his hands on either side of his chest] So I went with a C cup, because I didn’t want them too big. Go ahead, test them out. Give them a squeeze.

Jeremy’s Brother: No thanks, Dad.

Jeremy: I’ll try it. [reaches over and begins fondling his father’s breasts as his mother puts her hand over her face in shame] Oh, yeah, those are great, Tiffany. High and hard, way to play them. Mom, have you felt these puppies?

Curt’s Wife: No. No, I haven’t. No.

[dissolve to third table]

Tom: Are you ready to order?

Young Mother: Um, yes. We are… [begins talking in baby talk voice] Yes we are! Mommy will have eggsy-weggsy and two fistfulls of Cheerios and some juicy!

Young Father: [also in baby talk voice] Oh, and Daddy wants the Caesar’s salad with some chicky-chicky-chicky-chicky!

Tom: Very good sir.

Young Father: [in normal voice] Uh, let me ask you this. Uh, your booberry muffins, are they num-num.

Tom: Yes, they’re very good, sir.

Young Father: All right, we’ll have this many. [holds up two fingers]

[dissolve to first table]

Jeremy’s Brother: So, uh, so, what’s new with you, Mom.

Curt’s Wife: Oh, nothing.

Tiffany: That’s not true! Tell them your exciting news.

Curt’s Wife: There’s no news.

Tiffany: We’ve been invited to appear on Oprah.

Curt’s Wife: We’re not going.

Tiffany: We’re thinking about it.

Jeremy: Oh, that’s great, Tiffany! You gotta do it!

Jeremy’s Brother: Hey, Jeremy? Why don’t you just admit you’re kissing up to Dad because you’re flunking out of law school.

Tiffany: What?

Jeremy: Dad, I’m a professional video game player trapped inside of a lawyer’s body.

[Jeremy’s brother groans disgustedly and rolls his eyes and head towards the ceiling]

Tiffany: Oh, baby, I know your pain. [puts a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder]

Curt’s Wife: [tapping her hand on the table impatiently] Are the waiters serving the drinks different from the regular waiters?

[dissolve to second table]

Grandmother: [holding a photograph] See, now, this is a picture of me with my two grandsons, and they’re with some lady.

Kyle: Grandma, that’s you!

Diquonte: And us!

Grandmother: I don’t think so, because these people are black.

[Diquonte shakes his head while Kyle turns away dejectedly]

[dissolve to third table]

Young Father: I wuv you, Mommy!

Young Mother: I love you, too, Daddy! [to baby] Hello! Hello! Oooooh! [baby begins to projectile vomit on her]

Young Father: Oh, yay! [both applaud] Somebody made barfy!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it, I got it!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it!

[young mother smiles while vomit drips down her entire face]

[voice over with title: “Happy Mother’s Day”]

[pan to Tom, juggling trays of food and order slips]

[voice over with new title: “to all the waiters who have to work brunch tomorrow”]

Voice Over: Waiters have moms, too, y’all.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Bear City

Narrator…..Fred Willard

[ open on animated image of a meteor hurtling through the atmosphere and making impact on Earth ]

Narrator V/O: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious and visible cloud covered the town, forcing the citizens to flee underground.

[ show townspeople running into a barn-like structure ]

Narrator V/O: In this mysterious, visible cloud was a chemical that enabled bears —

[ show a bear squat in the woods, as the image dissolves into a similar pose of the bear sitting on a toilet inside of a house ]

Narrator V/O: — to evolve an fill the void left by humans.

[ show other bears walking through the city wwearing business suits and carrying briefcases ]

Narrator V/O: And, within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

[ show the bears interacting like humans — stepping out of elevators, rading newspapers, etc. ]

Narrator V/O: Although they couldn’t talk, the bears went about their lives just like Man had done.

[ show close-up of a boy and girl, named Rex Banter and Cynthia Davis ]

Narrator V/O: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children —

[ the bears swarm in for the kill ]

Narrator V/O: And they were quickly eaten — by bears.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

Narrator V/O: Tonight’s episode: “Barstool Blues.”

[ fade up on the interior of a barroom, where a bear sits glumly as the Bartender bear wipes the counter with a growl ]

[ the telephone rings. The Bartender bear answers it, only to hear the grumbling sounds of a female bear on the other end of the line. The Bartender bear looks to the bear drinking glumly, and indicates that it’s his wife on the line. The bear motions his paws to indicate that he’s “Not here”, but the Bartender bear hands the phone over to him anyway. The bear shrugs in defeat. ]

[ on the other end of the line, the irate bear wife yells at her husband over the phone. The bear weakly yells back over his end, but to no avail. ]

[ The bear hangs up the phone, thinks for a moment for a way to save face, then stretches out his arms, yawns, and pretends that he’s too tired and is ready to call it a night. As he walks away, the Bartender bear laughs at his him. ]

[ dissolve to a bear toasting a glass of wine to the camera ]

Narrator V/O: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to title card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts