Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 17

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Bigfoot & Neil Diamond

Bigfoot…The Rock
Neil Diamond…Will Ferrell

[Shaky, distant Bigfoot video plays under voiceover]

Announcer (V/O): Bigfoot. One of the most enduring mysteries of thetwentieth century. Is this elusive creature a remnant from aprehistoric past? Could he be the lost link to the origins of allmankind?

Bigfoot (V/O): Oh, stop it! You’re embarrassing me!

[Fade in on Bigfoot, standing with a microphone in one hand]

Bigfoot: Hi! I’m Bigfoot. And that was me way back in 1968. Okaynow, a lot has changed since those days, and I know, I know, I know,Bigfoot has gained a few [he pats his stomach], but one thing thathasn’t changed…is great music.

“Let the sunshine,
Let the sunshine,
The sunshine in.”

Ah, you remember that one? Well, I sure do. And if there’s one thingthat lurking in the forest has taught me, it’s a love of classicaltunes. You know, the good old stuff! Back when music really meantsomething! That’s why I’m releasing my very special two-CD set ofclassic duets — with my very good friend Mr. Neil Diamond, everybody!

[Neil Diamond enters, and he and Bigfoot embrace]

Bigfoot: Alright, Neil!

Neil Diamond: Hello, everybody!

Bigfoot: Yeah!

Neil Diamond: I’m Neil Diamond. When Bigfoot asked me to record analbum with him, I said, “Name the time and the place, I’ll be thereyesterday.” I tell you, this kid’s got pipes so sweet, it almostmakes you forget the truly astounding amounts of feces matted into hishair. Listen to this little gem. Hit it, Foot!

Bigfoot: “The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,”

Neil Diamond: “Little Boy scabally dabally doo,”

Bigfoot: “When you coming home, Son, I don’t know when,”

Neil Diamond: “Bee skabba dabba then, a boo lalla baba then.” Yeah,the good stuff! And you can hear that and more on:

[Insert shot of album cover]

Neil Diamond: “All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Neil Diamondand Bigfoot.”

[Cut back to Bigfoot and Neil]

Bigfoot: Hey, but watch out! ‘Cause no one gets aboard our freedomtrain without shakin’ that caboose! Isn’t that what they say, Neil!

Neil Diamond: You said it, Bigfoot! You said it!

[Bigfoot begins dancing around as Neil continues]

Neil Diamond: Listen, folks, I’m gonna be honest. I’m not sure if anyof this is real. I am stoned out of my gourd right now. I have beensince that night about two weeks ago when I was hanging out behind theburned-out Shoney’s and I ran into that weird guy. You know the one– looks like a black version of Richard Mulligan. Anyway, long storyshort, that joker slipped me what was supposed to be a harmlessmega-dose of LSD and donkey laxatives.

Bigfoot: Oh, you were always a character, Neil!

Neil Diamond: Ha ha ha! Seriously, I have no idea what’s going onright now. I’m pretty sure I’m in my basement right now, talking tomy water heater. And I know I didn’t record this album. But order itanyway, and you’ll hear Bigfoot and me sing hits like this: “I’ve seenfire and I’ve seen rain,”

Bigfoot: “I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end,”

Neil Diamond: “Oh, I sold a human foot to some Chinese dudes in a van,”

Bigfoot and Neil Diamond: “But I always thought that I’d see you…”

Neil Diamond: “Bigfoot…”

Bigfoot and Neil Diamond: “One more time again.”

[Bigfoot and Neil laugh]

Bigfoot: I only hope you’ve had as much fun listening to these tracksas Neil and I did making them.

Neil Diamond: That’s right, Steve Winwood! [he looks around] Cansomeone confirm if this is real or not? Anyone? No? Never mind!”Monday, Monday!” Go!

Bigfoot: “Monday, Monday,”

Neil Diamond: Yeah!

Bigfoot: “So good to me.”

Neil Diamond: “I swear I’m gonna kill Black Richard Mulligan if I getmy hands on him.”

Bigfoot: “But Monday morning, Monday morning couldn’t guarantee…”

Neil Diamond: No way!

Bigfoot: No, Neil, no!

Neil Diamond: “I’m now eighty percent sure it was a dream when I ate that kid.”

Bigfoot: So take it from me, old Bigfoot!

Neil Diamond: And me, Steve Winwood! Hey, if you ever find me asleepin the back seat of your car, just let me sleep, all right? Maybe buyme an Egg McMuffin on your way into work — I’ll pay you back, youlousy douchebag! I’m good for it, all right? Especially if thisalbum is for real, right, Bigfoot?

Bigfoot: Hey, that’s right, old friend!

Neil Diamond: [suddenly angry] You do not talk to me like that, waterheater! I’m Neil Diamond!

Bigfoot: Hey, can we get this guy a doctor? Can we get this guy a doctor?

[Neil begins yelling incoherently]

[Cut back to a shot of the album cover, with ordering information]

Announcer (V/O): If you want to take a chance that any of this ishappening, order now! Just send $19.95 to Bigfoot, care of NeilDiamond’s water heater, behind the burned-out Shoney’s.

Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Drunk Girl

…..Seth Meyers
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Friend…..The Rock

[scene opens on Drunk Girl laying on ground. tech. guy helps her up. Seth Meyers enters]

Seth Meyers: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Drunk Girl, are you okay?

Drunk Girl: What? What?

Seth Meyers: Whoa! Whoa! Hang on there, Drunk Girl.

Drunk Girl: Who are you? [gasp] Did we just do it?

Seth Meyers: No, no we didn’t.

Drunk Girl: What? You don’t think I’m pretty enough? You’re not all that.

Seth Meyers: Uh, yeah. How did you get in here?

Drunk Girl: Someone popular. I know people, and I know how to work it. [laughs coyingly]

Seth Meyers: Seriously, how did you get in here?

Drunk Girl: Tracy Morgan.

Seth Meyers: Yeah. It figures. Here, let me, uh, let me call you a cab.

Drunk Girl: [sings] I’m like a bird. I wanna fly away…

Seth Meyers: Shh. You have to be quiet, there’s a show going on.

Drunk Girl: [sings quietly] I don’t know where my soul is..

Seth Meyers: Okay. Um, is there anybody I can call? Like, someone to get you a cab to get home?

Drunk Girl: [laughing] I came with my friend. She’s a rock st-

[Drunk Girl’s friend runs on set]

Friend: Oh my God! I was looking for you! Oh my God, oh my God. I was looking for you everywhere!

Seth Meyers: Uh, that’s great. Uh, now you two guys gotta leave.

Drunk Girl: Be nice to her. [starts to cry] She’s my very best friend.

Friend: [crying] No, you’re my best friend! [they both cry & Seth Meyers is stuck in the middle] I love you better than chocolate!

Drunk Girl: I love you better than chocolate!

Seth Meyers: Okay. I can’t breathe here. Can’t breathe. Not breathing.

[Drunk Girl and Friend let go of each other. & Friend fixes her boobs. they start to touch Seth Meyers & laugh]

Friend: Hey, can I have your autograph?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, um, sure.

Friend: I want it on my boobie.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, uh, great. Uh, what’s your name?

Friend: My name is Pamm. The “m” is extra “m” for awesome!

[Seth Meyers gives her an autograph. & they begin to laugh]

Seth Meyers: Okay, uh, Pamm. Now, seriously you two gotta get outta here.

Drunk Girl: Do you want to know what your problem is?

Friend: Si!

Seth Meyers: No. Not really.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what it is?

Friend: Si!

Seth Meyers: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna knowwhatis?

Friend: Si!

Seth Meyers: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannaknowwhaitis?

Friend: Si!

Seth Meyers: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannaknow whaits?

Friend: Si!

Seth Meyers: No.

Drunk Girl: [singing] You’re like a bird, you wanna fly away!!

[Drunk Girl & Friend laugh]

Seth Meyers: Oh my gosh! Ladies, look over there! It’s that cameraman from the Girls Gone Wild tapes!

Drunk Girl: What?! Oh my God!

[Drunk Girl & Friend run off set with shirts up]

[Seth Meyers exits]

[fade]

Thanks to Malia P. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush……..Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Over the past several weeks, Americans have followed events in the Middle East with a growing sense of alarm. As the violence continues to escalate, many wonder if peace can ever come to that troubled part of the world. But two things are certain. As long as Israel lives with the threat of suicide bombings, it will have the right to defend itself. And as long as these terrorists are encouraged by Arab states pledging money to their families and by misguided religious leaders promising them instant martyrdom, there will be more suicide bombers. That’s why tonight, I’m offering a new proposal. Not to Prime Minister Sharon or to Chairman Arafat, but to the suicide bombers instead. First thing Monday morning, I urge you to stop by any American consulate with your explosives belt and tell us how much the Saudis have promised your family. We will not only beat that offer, but we will also let you trade that explosives belt for a new cell-phone from Nokia or Motorola.

Now, you may ask, what about the 72 virgins I’ve been promised? In all honesty, that is an offer that, for logistical reasons, we are just not able to match. But what if, instead of 72 women, you had your choice of literally hundreds of women? Beautiful, horny women? Eager to talk to you by phone about whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as you want, for the rest of your life? You can talk to “Out of Control College Girls”, “Nasty Housewives”, or “Hot To Trot Dancers.” Perhaps you prefer more demanding women. Some of these girls think that members of Hizbullah are very bad boys who need to be punished. Or, if you’re confused about your sexuality, which, frankly, is often the case with suicide bombers, why not enjoy the best of both worlds by talking to our mind-blowing “Gender Benders?” And female suicide bombers will enjoy sharing their fantasies with the men of the “New York Tool Company,” who coincidently, are willing to take calls from other men, as well.

Now, perhaps you are thinking this sounds great, but are all of these girls really virgins? (looks around nervously) Yes. Yes, they are all virgins. Every single one of them. In addition, they are all fluent in Arabic, all extremely horny, and all favor a Palestinian state. So, it’s a good deal. Best of all, you don’t have to blow yourself up to talk to them. And what does this service cost you, you ask? Absolutely nothing. That’s right. So that, in essence, is the Bush/Cheney/Guccioni peace plan. Some will say it is too ambitious, others will find it morally questionable, still others will object to it on grounds of “trashiness” and “vulgarity.” But to this administration, it is just the kind of bold, new approach; the outside of the box thinking that could jump start the peace process and get it back on track. So I suggest we give it a chance.

Thank you and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

HBO: First Look

Joanette…..Ana Gasteyer
Britanica…..Maya Rudolph
Dijonaise…..Britney Spears
Spuzz…..Will Ferrell
Brian Glazer…..Chris Kattan
Diane Warren…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: Next, on HBO: Go behind the scenes with musical superstars Gemini’s Twin, in their highly-anticipated feature film debut: “Damn My Dixie’s On Fire.” Next, on HBO: First Look.

[ dissolve to Gemini’s Twin sitting on the set of their film ]

Joanette: Yo, yo, yo! Gemini’s Twin makin’ our first movie!

together: First movie, first movie! First movie!

Britanica: Yeah, well basically our reason for writin’ this movie is so we can be in it.

Joanette: Yeah.

Dijonaise: I thought the Civil War was a real historical time in our history.

Britanica; Mmm-hmm.

Joanette: Plus, we wanted to wear these big ol’ skirts! Know what I’m sayin’?

Dijonaise: Yeah.

Britanica: Yeah.

Joanette: Yeah, ‘cuz see, what we was tryin’ to do here was create a new groundbreakin’ genre – the hip-hop epic.

Britanica: Mmm-hmm. The hip-hop-a-pop.

Joanette: Yeah, it’s a new form.

[ dissolve to Spuzz ]

Announcer: Directed by their collaborator, choreographer and friend – Spuzz.

Spuzz: Yeah, I directed the Twins in four videos. Most recently, “Planet of Mens”. And, uh, when they axed me to do dem “My Dixie’s On Fire”, I was all, “Cool! Let’s twist the shizzy up and get all freaky-deaky.” And, uh.. I think you can really see that attitude in the bell tower scenes.

[ dissolve to the belfry scene in the movie, alone in the belfry ]

Dijoanise: Who dat is?

[ Joanette and Britanica enter the belfry ]

Britanica: Ooh. I didn’t expect nobody to be here.

Joanette: Ooh, what are you doin’ up here in dis bel-free?

Together: [ singing ] “I said! B to the E to the L to the F to the R to the Y! Belfry!”

Dijoanise: Just chillin’, what’chy’all doin’?

Joanette: Just chillin’.

Britanica: Chillin’. Mindin’ my own bidness.

Joanette: Yeah.

Dijoanise: Can y’all keep a secret?

Joanette: Mmm-hmm.

Dijonaise: War is hard.

Joanette: Mmm-hmm..

Britanica: Yeah! And it’s boring, too.

Joanette: I can’t wait until the war is over in 1865.

Dijonaise: Y’all I’m hungry! I could go for some chicken-fried steak and biscuits!

Britanica: Are you crazy! It’s wartime!

Joanette: You ain’t gonna git no biscuits!

[ dissolve to Brian Glazer, Producer ]

Brian Glazer: This is what producers do. We put things together. First of all, you’ve got the Civil War, which is awesome! Completely it’s own thing! And I go, “What else is hot?” Gemini’s Twin! Lot of heat, a lot of buzz, my daughter loves them. And you know what? The bet script my assisant has ever read!

[ dissolve to Gemini’s Twin giving an interview on their set ]

Joanette: Okay, like, my character, she a Quaker. We call her Lil’ Q. Mmm-hmm. But what’s complex about her is that she has a eating disorder.

Britanica: Yeah. And I play a nurse who goes crazy, and eventually loses her mind.

Dijonaise: I play a runaway slave whose name is Ungawa.

Britanica: Yeah. ‘Cuz I wasn’t gonna do that.

Dijonaise: No, and the cool thing about her is that, by a certain part of the movie, she turns deaf.

Britanica: Yeah.

Joanette: Mmm-hmm. But, luckily, she can still hear.

Britanica: Yeah. So she does Sign Language, ‘cuz it look good.

Dijonaise: Look, y’all, I can play a rainbow. [ signs for “rainbow” ]

Together: [ singing ] “Rain-bowwwwwww!”

Dijonaise: Ungawa!

[ dissolve to Diane Warren, Songwriter ]

Diane Warren: I had written “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from “Armageddon”, and “For You I Will” from “Space Jam”, and “Get Under the Table, Quick!” from “Twister”. Um.. so, when Brian approached me to work on the music from “Damn, My Dixie”, it was a no-brainer. I mean, to have the opportunity to work with such powerhouses as Gemini’s Twin. I immediately dashed to my drum machine and whipped out “Dance Nation Proclamation”.

[ dissolve to another scene from “Damn, My Dixie’s On Fire”, Ungawa doing sign language ]

Joanette: What is that deaf girl doin’ with her hands?

Britanica: Girl, I think she’s saying her man is cheatin’ on her!

Joanette: Oohh.. and you know what I say when there’s cheatin’.

Dijonaise: Frankly, my girl..

Together: ..we don’t give a damn!!

[ they drop their big skirts and break into dance moves ]

Joanette: [ singing ]
“You bin throwin’ orders like you were some boss
Now you ain’t gettin’ none of this barbecue sauce!”

Britanica:
“You bin actin’ all cruel, you bin mean
So you’d better keep your corn out of my baked beans!”

Dijoanise:
“Puttin’ on your cheese like you was a yuppie
Boy, you better watch out, I’m gonna kick you in the..”

Together: “Hush puppies!

Yeah!

“You bin actin’ like a jerk, what in tarnation
My daddy’s gonna throw your butt off of this plantation!

Goin’ down south-south-south-south
Goin’ down south-south-south-south
Goin’ down south-south-south-south
Goin’ down south-south-south-south..”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Female Alien…..Britney Spears

Astronaut Jones: This is Astronaut Jones. I’m on the planet Porpula. There seems to be no one around. Over. I’ll keep looking. Over. Maybe there’s.. danger.

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
There’s a fair adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”

Hey!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”. Tonight’s episode: Episode 16, The Creature From Porpula.

Astronaut Jones: [ into walkie-talkie ] Hello, Earth? I think I hear someone coming. I’m going to make contact. Over and out, Earth. Bye.

Female Alien: Earthling, my name is Krugella..

Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.

Female Alien: I’m the Queen of Perillians..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Female Alien: A proud and peace-loving race..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Female Alien: My people have been awaiting your arrival for some time now.

Astronaut Jones: Stay word.

Female Alien: We’re in desperate need of your help.

Astronaut Jones: Dig it.

Female Alien: The Galaxians have seized our cities and plundered our riches.

Astronaut Jones: What?

Female Alien: They will stop at nothing until our whole cizilization is..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Female Alien: ..blotted from the universe.

Astronaut Jones: Say what.

Female Alien: You’re our only hope.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Female Alien: You must help us..

Astronaut Jones: Dig.

Female Alien: ..or we will surely perish.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Female Alien: What do you say?

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Female Alien: What do you say to that, Great One?

Astronaut Jones: Well, why don’t you drop out of that green jumpsuit and show me that phat ass!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re look’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Dick Armey…..Will Ferrell
Pat Caddell…..Jimmy Fallon
Paul Begalia…..Chris Kattan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews. Fighting rages on in the middle East, Yassar Arafat has locked himself in his paic room, Prime Minister Sharon has a boner for bulldozers, and the hottest-selling Spring accessory in the West Bank is a fishing vest that ticks! These people are nuts! They’re Looney Tunes! They say the want peace, they keep blowing things up, and bush’s solution is to head for Crawford, Texas and play with cows! Should the U.S. intervene, or should they let the whole middle East turn into an episode of “Battlebots”! Joining me today, House Majority Leader Dick Armey!

Dick Armey: Nice to be here, Chris. The thing that strikes me is –

Chris Matthews: Whoa! The hell do you think you’re doing! It’s not the Dick Armey Fun-Time Chat Hour? It’s Hardball, zip it! Also joining us, former Democrat pollster Pat Caddell!

Pat Caddell: [ mumbly ] Hello, Chris. Can I say something right off the bat?

Chris Matthews: I don’t know, can you?

Pat Caddell: Okay, may I?

Chris Matthews: No, you may not! Ha! It’s an oldie but a goodie, but it’s still funny! Finally, an old friend of ours, he moved over to CNN, but we love having him back here! Always great to have him on the show, former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia!

Paul Begalia: Thaks, Chris! It’s very nice of you to have me here –

Chris Matthews: Shut your muppet mouth, Begalia! You shut your mouth, or I swear to God, I’ll come over there and beat you so hard your dog will be retarded!

Paul Begalia: Now, Chris, do we have to start things off so negatively?

Chris Matthews: I’m sorry, Begalia, it’s a force of habit! What’s the solution to this mess in the Middle East! We’re gonna start with representative Penis Navy!

[ SUPER on Dick Armey: “Penis Navy” ]

Dick Armey: [ stunned ] It’s Dick Armey, Chris, you know that.

Chris Matthews: Whatever! Just talk!

Dick Armey: The Palestinians and Israelis have lost their moral center. We need to remind the Arab and Jewish worlds of what’s really important – the Bible anf Jesus Christ.

Paul Begalia: Chris, that is ludicrous!

Chris Matthews: Jimmy Neutron, you got a comment!

Paul Begalia: Call me crazy –

Chris Matthews: Okay, you’re a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: I said call me crazy..

Chris Matthews: I know, but I think you’re a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: Hey. Anyway, I don’t think studying the New Testement is gonna solve this problem. It’s exactly that kind of cultural misunderstading that has led to all this trouble.

Chris Matthews: It may be true, Begalia, but take a look at this!

[ show doctored photo of Paul Begalia in compromising position with ]

Paul Begalia: Hey, that’s not real! Where did you get that?!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s the Adobe Photoshop! I also have one of Bobo Fett’s head on my body, it’s awesome! Pat Caddell, news polls say that the U.S. supports Israel’s ight ot protect itself, but we also want them to back out of the West Bank! Do you and your irregular beard have a solution that’ll please everyone!

Pat Caddell: Chris, they can’t divide up the West Bank, why don’t they award joint custody? Israel gets it on weekdays, Palestinians get it on weekends. Of course, Palenstinians will probably let the West Bank stay up late and eat junk food, so that the West Bank will think Palenstine is cooler. That’s the way it worked when my parents split up.

Chris Matthews: Why don’t you zip it, you bearded freak! Tell that stuff to your shrink, not to the fifty people who watch this show! It’s time to take an e-mail question! Cam Vincent of Philadelphia writes: “Dear Chris, please stop shouting. I had the TV on mute, but you’re still so loud you woke up my kid.” Cry me a river, Cam! I’ll stop shouting when I wanna stop shouting! And I don’t ever wanna stop shouting! The question remains: Should the U.S. intervene or what! Weiner Air Force!

Dick Armey: [ outraged ] It’s Dick Armey! It’s Dick Armey! Chris, we have to get tough with the Arab world. We have to institute more prayer in their schools. We have to get them saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. And if that doesn’t work, we simply take over the West Bank and name it America II. We can use it for storage.

Chris Matthews: What about that, Pat Caddell! Should we conquer the West Bank and turn it into a huge garage!

Pat Caddell: Chris, these recent polls show that the U.S. people support Israel, but want them to back out. And they support U.S. intervention, but oppose U.S. loss of life. So what they want is a terminally indestructable American cyborgs to patrol an Israel that can do whatever it wants, and an independent Palestine without anyone affecting anyone else.

Chris Matthews: [ sighs ] The people have spoken, and they’re morons! Time for final thoughts. Vagina Coast Guard!

Dick Armey: Come on! It’s Dick Armey! Look! Chris, there’s only one thing I know about this whole situation – once America II is up and running, we can start getting people psyched for America III: The korean Adventure!

Chris Matthews: Paul Begalia, you weird little garden gnome! Do you have anything left to say!

Paul Begalia: Chris, I agreed –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – to come back –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – on this show –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – and you’ve been nothing –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – but hostile –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – ever since I got here –

Chris Matthews: Yeah, shut up, you’re done! If they made a bobble-headed doll out of you, they’d have to make your head smaller! When we come back, I’m gonna call that e-mail guy’s kid on the phone and i’m gonna shout at him! You’re watching “Hardball”!

SNL Transcripts

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Bill Callahan…..Jimmy Fallon
Denny McClain……The Rock

[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]

Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)

[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]

Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! I’m Brian Fellow! Tonight we are gonna meet some animals that are exciting and enjoy a good time. So let’s get going! Our first guest enjoys singing and being in a cage. Please welcome a parrot!!

(Bill Callahan enters with a parrot in a cage.)

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Bill Callahan: Well I’m Bill Callahan from the Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.

Brian Fellow: The what?

Bill Callahan: The….Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.

Brian Fellow: Is that in Newport?

Bill Callahan: (obviously confused) Yes. Yes it is.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Bill Callahan: Brian, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. He’s an Amazon Yellow Nape that goes by the name of Baily. What do ya’ say, Baily?

Parrot: Hello!

Brian Fellow: That bird just talked!

Bill Callahan: That’s right, the parrot is able to mimic human speech patterns.

Brian Fellow: That’s crazy!

Parrot: Hello!

Brian Fellow: He just did it again!

Bill Callahan: You know, Baily and I are big fans of the show, and we worked up a special treat for you. Would you like to see it?

Brian Fellow: Would I?

Bill Callahan: (not knowing how to respond)…..Hey pretty bird, hey pretty bird! Who are you?

Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: (upset) That bird is a liar!

Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: He’s startin’ to make me mad! He better shut up!

Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: NO YOU’RE NOT!

Bill Callahan: Hey, I’m- I’m sorry, I taught him how to say that, I thought you would like it.

Brian Fellow: He’s an imposter, cause I’M Brian Fellow!

Parrot: I’M Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: That’s it, take him away! This is my show! That bird is not funny, and I better not see him again! (To camera) Hopefully we will fix this in editing! (He then makes a weird hand motion which receives much laughter from the audience.) Our next guest eats crickets and can be seen in a horror movie. Please welcome a tarantula!

(The Rock walks in with a tarantula in a cage)

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Denny McClain: I’m Denny McClain and I’m from the Exotic Animals Exhibit at the Detroit Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Denny McClain: Oh, howdy Brian. I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Quinton.

Brian Fellow: That’s one fuzzy bug.

Denny McClain: Well actually he’s an adult Brown Desert tarantula.

Brian Fellow: If I had a bug like that, I’d make a coat out of him!

Denny McClain: (confused) Actually, that wouldn’t be a good idea, because his tiny hairs are irritant to human skin.

Brian Fellow: Did you see that loud mouth bird?

(Denny nods his head)

Brian Fellow: I don’t know what he told you, but he is NOT Brian Fellow!

Denny McClain: Um, I di-didn’t talk to the bird.

Brian Fellow: No matter what he says, he is not my doppleganger!

Denny McClain: Wh-What’s a doppleganger?

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Denny McClain: Yes, and I’m Denny, and we’re here talking about my tarantula, Quinton.

Brian Fellow: Now I understand that in order to grow, a spider must molt. Tell us about that.

Denny McClain: Thats right. That’s right Brian, like a snake a spider has to shed its skin to grow larger. Now what happens-

(The “loud mouth parrot” is seen above Brian Fellow’s head in a thought bubble talking on a phone)

Parrot: I want a new stereo with a tape player and really big speakers sent to my birdhouse! And send me the bill! I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: Hang up that phone!

Denny McClain: Sc-Scuse me?

Brian Fellow: That bird was tryin’ to buy a stereo with my credit card!

Denny McClain: Um, of course he is. Uh, now-now as I was saying, during the molting process the tarantula is extremely vulnerable to prey.

Brian Fellow: That bird better PRAY he don’t screw up my credit!

Denny McClain: What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: I’m just gonna go get a BB gun and shoot that bird’s eyes out!

Denny McClain: L-L-Look I don’t think you have to worry about that bird impersonating you.

Brian Fellow: Really?

Denny McClain: Yeah, really.

Brian Fellow: I guess you’re right.

(The bird appears above his head again)

Parrot: Hello, QVC? This is Brian Fellow. I want to buy a birdcage with bars made of solid gold! My credit card number is five four eight four-

Brian Fellow: Stop it!!

Denny McClain: Now what?

Brian Fellow: You don’t know anything about birds, mister!…..Well we’re out of time. I want to thank that fuzzy bug for coming by but not the bird! Join me next week when we will meet a pot-bellied pig. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!

Parrot: (in background) I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: I’m gonna kill that motha-(and he leaves the set)

Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Arthur Andersen Ad

Waitress…..Amy Poehler
Businessman…..Will Ferrell
Businesswoman…..Ana Gasteyer
Housekeeper…..Rachel Dratch
Spokesman…..Chris Parnell

Waitress: I work two jobs – I don’t have time to do taxes.

Businessman: Delay? Depreciation? Why does it have to be so complicated?

Spokesman: Problems with your last-minute filings? We understand. We’re Arthur Andersen. And for the first time ever, we’re bringing our years of corporate expertise to you, the individual taxpayer.

Businesswoman: Arthur Andersen helped me build my craft shop into a billion dollar business – on paper. I was able to cash out long before my employee caught on. Right, Consuela?

Housekeeper: [ confused ] Que?

Spokesman: Until now, Andersen made sure many of our corporate clients like Enron paid little or no tax at all – shifting the burdon to you, Joe Taxpayer. [ chuckles ] Sorry about that. Times change, though. And now we’re setting up offices all over the country to help you.

Businesswoman: Arthur Andersen helped me ship my products to the Cayman Islands. Now I don’t pay a penny towards parks, police or schools – just like big corporations.

Businessman: Thanks to Andersen, I get huge credits for drilling and exploration. And that is not a sex joke.

Spokesman: Arthur Andersen is the first tax firm ever indicted for obstruction of justice, and we’re pretty proud of that. And we’re committed to bringing that level of criminal deceit to each and every client.

Waitress: I forgot to report my tips.

Spokesman: Hmm.. well, guess what? [ drops tip sheet into paper shredder ] So did we! [ laughs ]

If saving you money is a crime, we at Arthur Andersen plead guilty.

Voiceover: Arthur Andersen does not plead guilty to fraud, obstruction of justice, or any other pending charges.

SNL Transcripts

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, Enron accountants Arthur Anderson have announced that they will lay off 7,000 employees and that’s not even counting the employees who were secretly shredded.

Earlier today for the first time, Yassa Arafat issued a statement in Arabic condemning terrorism. US officials say it is a step in the right direction except for the last line which translates to ‘wink, wink’.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got engaged in Las Vegas this week. To celebrate their engagement, Kid Rock gave Pamela a 3 carat diamond ring, and Pamela gave Kid Rock hepatitis.

On his weekly radio show, Al Sharpton is now being introduced as The Honourable Reverend Doctor Al Sharpton. You know what? As long as the last 2 words are Al and Sharpton you are not fooling anyone.

(picture of Elton John and Hilary Clinton very close) You remind me of an old boyfriend………so do you…

It was announced this week that Nicolas Cage will be the first inductee of The Italian-American Hall of Fame. Which I’m guessing means Marlin Brando, Robert DiNiro, Francis Ford Coppola, Al Pacino, Martin Scorsese, Marisa Tomei, James Gandolfini, Susan Lucci, Joe Pesci, Danny DeVito, The Olive Garden, Luigi and Mario, Chef Boyardee, Louis Prima, John Gardie, and Lutha Garci all said NO.

Cage will be president of the ceremony of the Italian-American Hall of Fame when they tape his Polaroid up between the soda machine and the empty pizza boxes.

(shows a picture of Alanis Morrisette) Alanis… Alanis, not everything you write in your journal is a song.

In other news controversial Little League pitcher Danny Almonte celebrated his 13th birthday on Sunday despite the fact that his birth certificate says he is much older. Almonte spent the day eating cake and playing in the park with his nine year old son.

Ed McMahon has filed a 20 million dollar law suit against his insurance company claiming he and his wife were sicked due to toxic mould from a flood in his Beverly Hills home. McMahon sent a letter to his insurance company saying ‘You already may owe me 20 Million Dollars’

A newspaper in India reported that a local woman has been living on a diet of discarded cigarette butts for the past 50 years. Reports said that there is so many filters in her stomach that she pees Brita.

Researchers at Yale University have enrolled cocaine addicts in a clinical trial to test cocaine vaccine. The results of the trial were stolen along with everything else at the clinic.

Jimmy Fallon: Last night, Fox news reported that 2 bears rampaged through Gene Shalit’s home in Stockbrake, Massachusetts, this is a true story. Here now with a review of the bears performance is Gene Shalit everybody.

Gene Shalit: Those bears were unbearable.

Jimmy Fallon: Good, that’s great.

Gene Shalit: It was a grizzly evening.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, that’s good.

Gene Shalit: I barely escaped with my life.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we got it.

Gene Shalit: Some rampagers through my house were too hot, some rampagers through in my house were too cold, these rampagers through my house–

Jimmy Fallon: Were just right. Yeah, that’s great.

Gene Shalit: Those bears made me poop in my pants!

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t get that one.

Gene Shalit: Oh well, I’ll just have to grin and bear it.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay.

Gene Shalit: I was so frightened I lost me bearings.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Gene Shalit: When… I got more.

Jimmy Fallon: You got more huh? (sarcastically) Good…

Gene Shalit: When they make the movie it should star John Clause Van Damn. Huh? Does a bear crap in the woods? Not when it can crap on my sofa.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright, gene Shalit everybody.

Lets see Robert DeNiro- super cool, guitars- always cool, Robert DeNiro holding a guitar… surprisingly un-cool.

Tina Fey: John Crutchly, known as the Vampire Rapist committed suicide this week at a Florida Prison where he was serving a life term.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh man, that’s terrible.

Tina Fey: What? No, no its not. He raped people and drank their blood.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, I thought he was called the Vampire Rapist because he raped vampires. That would be a good thing, you know?

Tina Fey: No, no. I’m glad we cleared that up.

Jimmy Fallon: Well anyway, we’ll miss you Vampire Rapist.

Tina Fey: No we won’t.

According to new research, it is extremely difficult for women over the age of 40 to have a child. So hello Bea Arthur, goodbye condoms.

(Gene Shalit runs in)

Gene Shalit: Thanks for baring with us.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t know you were here.

Gene Shalit: I had a honey of a time. (‘The Bear Necessities” begins to play, and Gene begins to dance)

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Tina gets up and dances with Gene and Jimmy claps along with the music)

Thanks to Roseanne Sigglekow for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell
Gay Speedskating Hitler…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.

President Bush delivered his State of the Union address Monday, and he maintains an all-time high 84% approval rating. Bush is thrilled because it’s the first solid “B” he’s ever gotten.

The State of the Union earned a huge TV rating, with 53 million viewers watching. Which is why ABC now wants to put it on five nights a week.

After being denied a boxing license by the Nevada Athletic Commission, Mike Tyson told a reporter that Lennox Lewis was a coward. When the reporter pointed out that Lennox Lewis had nothing to do with the Commission’s decision, Tyson raped him.

Tina Fey: Dick Cheney appeared at his birthday party Wednesday with a bruised lip, after one of his dogs bumped into his mouth while playing. Leading many to ask, “What is up with this administration?!” Cheney’s got a bruised lip, Bush has a huge scrape on his face, Ashcroft has burn marks all over. Tell the truth – do you guys have a Fight Club? I think there’s a White House Fight Club!

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, you know the first rule of White House Fight Club.

Tina Fey: I know – Don’t talk about White House Fight Club.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ punches Tina in the face ]

NBC has ordered a full 22-episode season of “Fear Factor”. Oh, my God, that’s my biggest fear. Am I on “Fear Factor” right now? I give up.

Jimmy Fallon: A porn star named Ciccoline is considering a bid to enter the Hungarian Parliament, while the Hungarian Parliament is considering a bid to enter Ciccoline.

Seth Meyers: Joke Palindrome! Point, Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: Yes!

Tina Fey: Now, here with news on the situation in Somalia, isa Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera.

[ cut to Geraldo Rivera standing outside of war-torn Mogadishu, Somalia ]

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, I’m here in Mogadishu. It’s the second stop on Geraldo Rivera’s Tour of Terror. Some of you may be familiar with this sorry, sorry city, which has been turned into a nightmarish road map to terror. Uh.. early this morning, a Somali sniper started shooting at me. Uh.. after he learned that I was here, apparently familiar with my award-winning work on Geraldo’s Tour of Terror. Uh.. now all the people here in this quaint Somali village are following me around. They’re chanting, “Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay! Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay!” Which, apparently, is an ancient Somali term meaning “Geraldo, you sexy man!”

Tina Fey: Geraldo, are the Somali terrorists trained by Osama bin Laden?

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, let me answer that. Just moments ago, uh.. the beast of a thousand scales, the prince of dasterdly deeds himself, uh.. Osama bin Laden, was here moments ago.

Tina Fey: Uh.. wait a minute. You actually met with Osama bin Laden?

Geraldo Rivera: Osama was here, I had him in a headlock, uh.. I hit Osama, I kicked him in his dasterdly groin. Then he and I briefly exchanged fisticuffsbefore Osama starting screaming, “Ooh, Geraldo! you sexy man!”

Tina Fey: Come on, Geraldo! That could not have been Osama bin Laden! According to Pentago sources, he’s nowhere near Somalia!

Geraldo Rivera: Tina, if that’s true, I’m truly sorry. Uh.. mistakes are made when you’re on a Tour of Terror.. uh.. I call them Terror Errors. These are errors that are on a Tour of Terror, uh.. [ holds finger to his earpiece ] Hold on, Tina, I’ve just been informed.. hold on.. ohh.. I’ve just been informed that the people of Mogadishu have declared me their king. Apparently, I am now their supreme ruler, uhh.. they’re going to rename Mogadishu, they’re going to call it Geraldo, You Sexy Manville. From Mogadishu, on the Tour of Terror, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.

[ back to Tina at the newsdesk ]

Tina Fey: Geraldo Rovera, everybody. He’s a big, big lair. He lies about stuff.

According to the New York Post, Will Smith is looking for an apartment to sublet in New York City, and is willing to pay $80,000 a month for it. In a related story, DJ Jazzy Jeff wants to know if you’re going to eat the rest of that.

The Justice Department has covered a nude statue that stands behind John Ashcroft during press conferences, because the statue’s exposed breasts made Ashcroft uncomfortable. Ashcroft says, if it were up to him, he’d just replace it with a different statue. [ boobs are replaced with genitals ]

An Italian man claims he has set a world record by creating a 330-gallon cup of cappucino. Sadly, moments after making the drink, the man suffered a massive heart attack. Not from drinking the cappucino, but from trying to dunk a huge viscotti.

Aryan nations leader, Ryan Redfairn, has announced his resignation. Redfairn says he is leaving the hate group so he can spend more time hating his family.

A female version of Viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctors warn the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera’s vagina to time travel.

Tina Fey: Well, the Winter Olympics start next week, and no one is more excited about this than our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] Thanks, Tina! The 2002 Winter Olympics start next week, and the theme song to the Olympics is “America”, by Neil Diamond. Now, no offense to Neil Diamond – that song’s good, but it’s twenty yars old. So I thought maybe I could change the words to some more recent songs, and see if they want to use those ones instead. You should highlight the evens, you know? Like downhill skiing.

[ singing variant of Five For Fighting’s “Superman” ]

“I can go downhill
on the icy snow
dressed up in my unitard
where else can I go?

I’m only a man
on two skinny red skis
instead of cologne
I’m wearing antifreeze.

Can’t even tell
if I’m winning the race
because snot is frozen on my face.

It’s not easy
to downhill ski.”

And the Winter Olympics, they just happen to be in February, which is also Black History Month. I think that’s just perfect, considering how much black people love Winter sports.

[ singing variant of Ludacris’ “Roll Out” ]

“What in the world was on your mind?
What you got on your mind?
A couple of dudes with nosebleeds
and its hard to breathe at that height
with that hype people
it’s just white people

‘Cause ain’t no homies play hockey.
If it’s below 30 you can bite me.
Turn off my Sony til you stop that.
I’m gonna see a movie
with a hot pack
thaw out!”

But one good reason to tune in this year, is a new event called Skeleton, where an Olympian lays on this tiny metal sled on their stomach, and they go head first down the mountain. It’s insane.

[ singing variant of Nickelback’s “You Remind Me” ]

“Never made it as a luge man
couldn’t hack it on the bobsled
now you don’t have to remind me
of how I will get hurt.
You don’t have to remind me
haven’t done it since the forties
go down a mountain like 50 stories
all the drugs that I’ll be takin’
for all the bones that I’ll be breakin’.
I will cry
I could die
you’ll have to find my body at the bottom
these few words in my head, saying,
“Don’t die
don’t die
Don’t die on this sled.”
Yeah, yeah
please don’t die on this little sled!”

[ Neil Diamond enters the set ]

Neil Diamond: Hey! What’s wrong with my song?

Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond?

Tina Fey: Neil Diamond?

Neil Diamond: You bet your balls it’s Neil Diamond! You don’t think my song’s good enough for the Olympics. I’m here to change your mind. Listen to this, geniuses.

[ singing ]

“Everywhere! Around the world!
They’re coming to America!
Every time the flag’s unfurled!
They’re coming to America!
They’re coming to America!
They’re coming to America!”

I’d like to introduce my friend, Gay Speedskating Hitler.

[ Gay Speedskating enters, Neil wraps his arm around him ]

Neil Diamond: “They’re coming to America!”

Come on! Everybody!

[ Geraldo River and Seth Meyers step out and sing along with Neil, Gay Speedskating Hitler, Tina and Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Neil Diamond: [ into the audience ] Take your top off, lady!

SNL Transcripts