Spartan Cheerleaders

Spartan Cheerleaders

C.J…..Pamela Lee
Hobie…..Chris Kattan
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Dirk…..Jim Breuer

[FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.]

Hobie: How’s it looking out there, C.J.?

C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but I’m gonna keep an eye on that undertow.

Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, what’s going on over there?

C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament?

Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides!

[CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.]

Craig: Oooh!

Arianna: Oh!

One-piece, two-piece, string bikini!
Who you think you are, “I Dream of Jeannie”?
You can blink for your master,
Or cry to Major Healy!

Arianna: You think you’re gonna win?

Craig: Uh-uh, not really!

[They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the “I Dream of Jeannie” theme song.]

Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle!

[Several beachgoers run lazily in front of the Spartans as they jump and scream.

Craig: Okay. Okay.

[Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.]

Craig: Arianna, I’m sweating buckets! I don’t care what anyone says – wool does not breathe. Are you sweating?

Arianna: Craig, girls don’t sweat – they glow!

Craig: Oh.

Arianna: [grinning] And I’m glowing like a pig! CRAIG!

[both burst out laughing]

Arianna: Craig! Aren’t away games cool beans?

Craig: I’ll say. The only thing better was getting to see “Problem Child 2” on the plane.

Arianna: Yeah. I’m sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick!

Craig: Oh. And I’m sorry you threw up.

Arianna: Oh, that’s okay. Thanks for holding my hair.

Craig: No problem… child… two.

Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troy’s serve is poetry in motion!

Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay.

Craig: Okay.

Arianna: Okay, okay, okay.

Craig: Okay.

[Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.]

Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands]Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Arianna: [dances out from behind him] I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping]Better know how to spike the ba-aall!
Too bad you got sand in your crack,
Better put out a booty call!
Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys!

[A volleyball suddenly flies in. Arianna catches it and disappears off camera.]

Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: I said, who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Wide load! WHOOOOO!!!

Arianna: Come on, let’s get the message!!

[Dirk runs up to them in disgust.]

Arianna: Dirk!!

Craig: Dirk!!

Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I can’t BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. ‘cause you’re wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh!

Arianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh!

[He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their ownarmpits.]

Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey.

Craig: Yeah.

Dirk: I’m gonna go in the water to cool off. And DON’T FOLLOW me! [runs off]

Arianna: We won’t! ‘Cause you’re not the Pied Piper of us!

Craig: Yeah!

[ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.]

C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument.

Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us.

Arianna: Yeah.

C.J.: Well, if you need anything, I’m C.J., and I’m the lifeguard for this section of the beach.

Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!!

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice?

C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice.

Arianna: I could die!!

C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters?

Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but I’ve got back hair.

C.J.: Okay.

Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, we’re a little gamey.

[They each lift an arm.]

Craig: Yeah.

C.J.: WHOO!!

Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!!

C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! I’m in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] I’m out!

[C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.]

Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God…

Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hair’s even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!!

Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot–she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!!

Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need?

Arianna: The perfect cheer?

Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater]

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Let’s rock and roll!!!

[Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the “Baywatch” theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.]

Dirk: [furious] Get off me! You’re CHOKING me!

[While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.’s limp body in his arms.]


Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help!

Arianna: Okay! I got her!

Craig: Help on the double!

Arianna: Okay!

[Craig bends over C.J.’s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.]

Arianna: One…

[Craig breathes into C.J.’s mouth.]

Arianna: Two…

[Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craig’s.]

C.J.: Craig! I don’t like you like that, okay?

Arianna: [toward audience] SHE’S OKAY, CRAIG!!

Craig: She’s okay! Oh…

[C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.]

C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips.

Arianna: Okay.

C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, it’s not necessary to use your tongue.

Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh!

C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, it’s best not to scream, “We’re all gonna die.”

Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab.

C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off]

Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God!

Craig: Good luck, C.J.!!

Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help?

Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is…

Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!!

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig!

[Craig hits a button on the boom box, and “I Like it like That” starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craig’s arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

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