SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 04/15/06

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 15th, 2006

Lindsay Lohan

Pearl Jam

None

Lorne Michaels

John Lutz

Liz Cackowski

Jorma Taccone
The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush’s ever-changing cabinet.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Gregory, Norah O’Donnell.

MontageNote: Though credited, Maya Rudolph and Horatio Sanz do not appear in this episode.

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson).

First Hosted: 03r.

Neutrogena Coin Slot CreamSummary: Moisturizer that soothes the female ass crack.

Transcript

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee, DJ Dimitrios, DJ Frontal Assault.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a promo for “Journey to the Disney Vault”, a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney’s secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.

The O’Reilly FactorRecurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Newt Gingrich.

Le RendezvousSummary: A group of diners (Lindsay Lohan, Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen) express extreme enthusiasm for their exceptionally delicious end-of-meal dessert.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg present Lorne Michaels with their homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats!”, in which they run through the hlals of Studio 8-H furing lasers out of cats’ mouthes.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “World Wide Suicide”First Performed: 91q.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks.

Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Lindsay Lohan) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Natalie Portman.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Severed Hand”

Turner Classic Movies: Movie ArchivesSummary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, “Atlantic City Fever.”

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne, Liberace, Ann-Margret.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.

Monday Morning AssemblySummary: More morning announcements, as re-enacted by the West Bedford High School Drama Club.

CarlSummary: A punk princess (Lindsay Lohan) picks on her stepfather, Carl (Chris Parnell).

The RestaurantSummary: A waiter (Finesse Mitchell) sprays water on diners, while a waitress (Lindsay Lohan) puts her hair in their food.

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.

MortgageSummary: A spokesman (Chris Parnell) talks about getting a mortgage.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg has trouble eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

SNL Transcripts

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