Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 20

94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart

You Think You’re Better Than Me?

Pete Toman…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer…..Jay Mohr
Danny Wilson…..Adam Sandler
Eileen Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Ron Powell…..David Duchovny
…..Naomi Campbell

(Music Cue: “Tuning Up” by Ken Aldin)

Announcer: And now it’s time for “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, and here’s your host, former dock worker Pete Toman.

Pete Toman: Hey! Welcome to “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, the show for regular guys. Not uppity guys who think they’re better than us! Alright, our first contestant is Ron Powell. It says here, Ron, you enjoy making knives out of beer bottles and skidooing.

Ron Powell: Yeah, so what?

Pete Toman: Alright, our next contestant is currently between jobs and has a plate in her head. Welcome Eileen Gallagher. Alright, it says here , Eileen, you grew up without much money but went to school with a lot of rich people.

Eileen Gallagher: Yeah, I hated all of them bastards. I hated ’em.

Pete Toman: Alright, our third contestant is Danny Wilson. Danny, it says here you once punched a guy in the face just because he was seated in the first class section of an airplane.

Danny Wilson: Yep.

Pete Toman: It also says you can not read.

Danny Wilson: Yep.

Pete Toman: Alright, let’s start the game. Here’s our catregories: “Cut off by a Mercedes,” “People who have been on a boat,” “What’s wrong with Haggar Slacks?,” “Can’t get into the nightclub,” “College boys,” “That guy on that show,” “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Ron, let’s start with you.

Ron Powell: I’ll take “Cut off by a Mercedes” for 300, Pete.

Pete Toman: Okay, You’re drivin down the highway, mindin’ your own business, and some guy with a pony tail drivin a…

(Danny rings in)

Danny Wilson: Pull up beside the guy, stick my ass out the window and scream “You think you’re better than me?”

(bell)

Pete Toman: Damn straight! Friggin’ fruitcake with a ponytail! That’s right, that’s right. Danny, you pick the category.

Danny Wilson: Um, eh, ah, uh, the one on the right for 100.

Pete Toman: Okay, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Here’s the question: You wake up on the beach, you’re waking on, your head hurts, you’re hungry, you see a restaurant, you walk in and right away some Chinese guy with an English accent points to a sign that says “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” What do you do?

(Eileen rings in)

Eileen Gallagher: Uh, put my shirt back on?

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: No.

(Ron rings in)

Pete Toman: Ron.

Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he realizes he’s a woman, go home, come back later that night, burn the place down.

(bell)

Pete Toman: You got it Ron! Alright, alright. Very nice, very nice. Pick another category.

Ron Powell: I’ll take “That guy on that show” for 200 please.

Pete Toman: Okey dokey, here’s the clue: You know that guy on that show who walks around all high and mighty acting like he knows so much? He needs a punch in the face…

(Danny rings in)

Pete Toman: Danny.

Danny Wilson: Peter Jennings!

Pete Toman: I hear ya, Danny! I hear ya! Alright, choose a category.

Danny Wilson: Uhh, you pick it.

Pete Toman: Alright, how about “Can’t get into that nightclub” for 400 dollars. Alright, let’s see: You’re standing outside a nightclub. The bouncer tells you he can’t let anymore people inside but 30 seconds later he lets five guys wearing makeup in. What do you do?

(Eileen rings in)

Pete Toman: Eileen.

Eileen Gallagher: Take my shirt off?

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: No.

Eileen Gallagher: Damn it!

(Ron rings in)

Pete Toman: Ron.

Ron Powell: Stare the guy down until he asks you to come in, then say “No! Now I don’t wanna come in!”, come home, take a nap, come back at five in the morning, burn the place down.

(bell)

Pete Toman: That’s right Ron! You are right! Very nice, very nice. Jeez, we are out of time. Ron and Danny, you’re uh tied which means you’re going to our tiebreaker round. Eileen, you have 0 points, time for you to leave.

Eileen Gallagher: Okay, you all think you’re better than me, dontcha? You think your CRAP don’t STINK? You’re garbage! You’re all garbage!

(Eileen leaves)

Pete Toman: Alright, settle down. The tiebreaker category is “box seats”, “box seats.” Here’s the question: You’re sitting in the upper deck and you spot an empty box seat and sit there. Five minutes later, an usher asks to see your ticket. Everyone is staring at you. What do you do?

(think music, players write their answers)

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: All right, time’s up. Ron, let’s see what you got here. Okay, (reading from Ron’s placard) “Tell them you don’t have a ticket for that seat but you’re not going to move, Continue watching the game while they round up six or seven security guards to physically remove you, get dragged out screaming ‘You’re all gonna pay!’, come back later, realize you can’t burn the whole stadium down, follow a security guard home, burn his house down.”

(bell)

Pete Toman: That’s correct! All right! Nice playing Ronnie! Okay, how about you Danny?

(Danny holds up his placard full of illegible scribbles)

Pete Toman: Oh yeah, you don’t know how to write either.

Danny Wilson: Yep.

Pete Toman: All right. Ron, you’re our new champion! Let’s go to the bonus round!

(Naomi Campbell walks in)

Pete Toman: Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to supermodel Naomi Campbell. Nice to meet you Naomi. Okay Ron, you will win a brand new El Camino and a pair of Dingo Boots just like Joe Namath used to wear if you can talk to Naomi for 60 seconds without saying “You think you’re better than me?” Okay, you ready, Ron?

Ron Powell: You bet

Pete Toman: Okay start now.

Ron Powell: So, Naomi, you want to do something after this show?

Naomi Campbell: Maybe some other time.

Ron Powell: What, have you got a boyfriend or something?

Naomi Campbell: No, I don’t have time for boyfriends.

Ron Powell: Who do you like better, Fuji or Tanaka?

Naomi Campbell: I’m not into photos or wrestling.

Ron Powell: What, you think you’re… You think you’re… tall?

Naomi Campbell: Well, I guess so.

Ron Powell: how much did that dress cost?

Naomi Campbell: Actually, Versace gave it to me.

Ron Powell: What, do you think you’re better than me?

(buzzer)

Pete Toman: Oh, sorry Ron! You messed up, you messed up, but you can try again next week on “You think you’re better than me?” Good night!

(Music Cue: “Tuning Up”, title card, fade out)

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..David Duchovny
…..Dave Wilson

David Duchovny: Alright. I’d like to thank everyone. I’d like to thank Rod Stewart, Naomi Campbell. Happy Mother’s Day! I had a great time, we’ll see you next year!

[ the cast wave their goodbyes and hug one another ]

[ we cut to the control room, as Dave Wilson waves his own goodbye ]

Dave Wilson: Tape roll! And.. take it.

SNL Transcripts

David Duchovny’s Monologue

…..David Duchovny
Interviewer V/O…..Kevin Nealon

David Duchovny: Thank you. Thank you. It’s great — it’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. As you can probably guess, they’ve been trying to get me to host the show for years. Like when my hit movie, “Julia Has Two Lovers”, came out.

[ woman in audience yells “Ow!” ]

Thank — thank — thank you. They kept calling, and I figured, “Sure.” I’ll do the big “Julia Has Two Lovers” sketch that everyone’s waiting for, and then what? So I figured, let me get one more hit under my belt, then I’ll do the show. Sure enough – boom! – the next year, I’m starring in “Venice, Venice.”

[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

Thank you. Thank you. Perfect. So I’m ready to do the show, we’re trying to set a date. And then, wouldn’t you know it – guess who gets a call to star in “The Rapture”.

[ woman in audience yells “Whoo!” ]

Thank you. Hardly a movie you want to turn down. But one thing led to another, I do a movie, “Denial”, and of course, “New Year’s Day”. And here I am. [ a beat ] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m also on “The X-Files”.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

But, that’s just to pay the rent until “New Year’s Day II” comes out.

Anyway, I’m from New York, I grew up here, went to school here. And, as a gift, the folks here put together a little tape of some of the people from my old neighborhood. I’m pretty excited, because I haven’t seen it, so, could you roll the tape?

[ dissolve to the filmed footage of people in Duchovny’s hometown ]

Elderly woman: David Duchovny? Never heard of him.

Eldermy Man: Duchovny? No. Doesn’t ring a bell.

Man: Dave Duchovny? No.

Interviewer V/O: You went to Collegiate High School with him.

Man: Yeah, I went to that school, but the name doesn’t ring a bell.

Interviewer V/O: Have you ever seen “The X-Files”?

Man: Yeah, I love that show.

Interviewer V/O: He’s on that show.

Man: [ shrugs ] Uh.. guess I must have missed him. Sorry.

Black Woman: You want to know about David Duchovny? Why? What’d he do? Shoot somebody? I knew he’d shoot somebody!

Blonde: Did I know David Duchovny? Yeah, I know him, I used to go out with him. And, David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here I think you should meet.

[ pulls a little boy forward ]

Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

Old Woman: I just feel sorry for the person that he shot.

Gay Man: Yeah, I know David, I used to go out with him. David, if you’re watching, there’s someone here who’d like to meetcha’.

[ pulls a little boy forward ]

Little Boy: Come home, Daddy!

Alien Man: Of course, when we were in school, he never spoke to me, because he was one of the cool guys and I’m an alien. Then he gets this job on “The X-Files”, and suddenly it’s, like, “Hey, buddy, let’s hang out! Tell me what aliens are really like.” What a jerk!

[ dissolve back to Duchovny in Studio 8-H ]

David Duchovny: Oh, I miss those guys. They’re the best! Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rod Stewart is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Polar Bear Sketch

… Chris Farley
… Tim Meadows
… Jay Mohr
… Adam Sandler
… Norm MacDonald
… David Duchovny

[A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull backto reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows,Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter andline up at a railing overlooking the polar bearpit.]

Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn’t the zoo thebest, man?

Tim Meadows: I know, I can’t believe it was -how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hoppedthe fence.

[Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pitbefore returning to the five guys above.]

Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?

Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.

Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend!

[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]

Norm MacDonald: “Read ’em and weep”? You say”Read ’em and weep” before you lay down your cards inpoker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.

Norm MacDonald: “Mr. Dictionary”? How doesknowing about poker make me “Mr. Dictionary”?

Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn’t talking to you.

[Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr whoscreams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity ofMohr’s blood splashes up from the pit and soaksFarley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]

Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! Whathappened? Did the bear get him? I’m not wearing myglasses!

Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bearkilled Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean youweren’t talking to me? You were looking right at me!Who were you calling “Mr. Dictionary”?

Tim Meadows: Look, I’m gonna go in and haulJay’s body up, okay? I’ll let you guys argue amongstyourselves.

Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren’t arguingamongst ourselves. I’m arguing with you.

Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing]Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you knoweverything, Mr. Dictionary!

[Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumpsinto the pit and disappears with a splash.]

Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] “Mr.Dictionary”! Oh, my God! He totally burned you,man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hopethat nickname doesn’t stick, Mr. Dictionary![laughs] Aww, man, you’re a book filled with wordmeanings! Oy, oy, oy!

[The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadowswhose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, andSandler.]

Chris Farley: What happened? I’m not wearing myglasses. Did the bear get him again?

Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damnglasses on? We shouldn’t have to tell you every timethe bear eats one of us.

[Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out histhick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]

Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped offtheir heads like so much volleyball!

Norm MacDonald: “Like so much volleyball”? Whoare you, the Mighty Thor? … Nobody talks like that.

Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah – uh -I think – you’re a sack of crap like so much– Mr.Dictionary!

[Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]

Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! Allright, good one, man. High five me on that one!

Chris Farley: Yeah, baby!

[Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smackshim in the face and knocks his glasses off.]

Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!

Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] Allright, I gotta say I’m sick of you. And I’m sick ofthat polar bear. I’m going in.

Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you’re goinginto that cage, you know, be careful, ’cause, uh, thatbear is still in there.

Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God,Norm, that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that itgot wings and flew up to Canada — where everybodytalks like you and says “arse” instead of “ass”?You’re very stupid, Norm. But you know that.

[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]

Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!

[Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley andMacDonald are left at the railing.]

Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? Hecalls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bearcage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy whojumps into a polar cage or the fella people like tocall “Mr. Dictionary”?

[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]

Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?

Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn’treally listening that much ’cause, uh, I was tryin’ toremember who’s been killed. [counts on his fingers]All right, I know Adam Sandler.

Norm MacDonald: Right.

Chris Farley: And, before him, TimMeadows.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

Chris Farley: But, ah, who – who was the firstguy that went in there?

Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgotwhich of our buddies was killed first? It was – it wasJay Mohr, you arse!

Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um … what -what’s Jay’s middle name? I forget.

Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay’s middle name?It’s Gaylord!

Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya ayaaya aya aya aya! You’re Gaylord! Get it? Gay – lord,Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, thenlapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on thathighly successful burn, I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!

[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar beareats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up andsoaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]

Norm MacDonald: Well … You know what? I’mgonna jump in there because, ah, I’m sure the bear isfull by now. … And then I’m gonna stick my fingerdown its throat and let it throw up at least one of mybuddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digestedalready, I’ll throw him back in. [stroking his chinthoughtfully] It’s the perfect plan.

[MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with asplash. The polar bear roars and eats the screamingMacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now emptyscene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands infront of a curtain addressing the camera.]

David Duchovny: Hi, I’m David Duchovny. Thepreceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmedentirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras.The participants involved had no idea they were beingfilmed. I ran this as a warning to other potentialSaturday Night Live hosts. These are the typeof people you deal with all week long. Thankyou.

[Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squattinghost.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Rock & Roll Real Estate Agent

Agent…..Molly Shannon
Tom…..David Duchovny
Wife…..Morwenna Banks
Richard…..Jay Mohr

[ open on real estate office, Agent speaking on the phone ]

Agent: So, once again, congratulations! I now you’re going to be very happy in your new home. Well, that’s what we do here at Horizon Realty – we make dreams come true. Alrighty, bye bye!

Tom: Hi.

Agent: Hi.

Tom: We’re new in the neighborhood, and we’re looking for a three-bedroom.

Wife: You know, maybe something with a split-level.

Agent: Very good. Richard can help you. Richard?

[ we see Richard sitting at his desk, he looks like an old rocker ]

Agent: These folks are interested in a three-bedroom.

Richard: Well, alriiiiight!! [ jumps out of his chair, his real estate clothes mixed fashionably with tight, leather pants ] Nice ta MEETCHA!! How ya doin’ out there toniiiiiiight! Wow!

Tom: Fine.. thanks.

Richard: Well, alriiiiiight!! Let me go get my book! I’ve got some gorgeous three-bedrooms in the area! Woooooooooooooowww-ow!

Wife: Honey, do we know him?

Tom: He does seem very familiar.

Agent: Oh, Richard used to be the lead singer of Sidewinder before they broke up.

Wife: Sidewinder?

Agent: Yeah. Remember they had that hit “Lick It”?

Richard: Yeah, that’s riiight!
[ singing ]
Lick it!
Kick it!
Rock it, knock it down, downm down!
Owww!

[ back to business ]

I got a great split-level in, uh, Oakdale Heights. A bit of a fixer-upper, but it’s a steal.

Wife: Uh, no, you see.. we need to move right in, because Tom’s been transferred from St. Louis, and —

Richard: St. Louis rocks big-time! Am I riiiiiight?!

Tom: Yeah.

Richard: I can’t heeeeeeear yoooooooouuu!!

Tom: Yes, St. Louis rocks!

Richard: Alright, now I’ve got osmething you might like in Sherwood Hills. That’s a good school district, daddy – community pool, little league, and you’re only ten minutes from downtown. Woooooooowwww!!

Agent: Uh, Richard? Richard! The Ericksons are on line 3!

Richard: Uh, excuse me, I gotta take this. [ sits at his desk and picks up his phone ] Wooooooooowwwwww!! This is Richard. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, tell the bank you want a fixed rate at 7.35%. Alriiiiiight?!! Owwwwwwwww!!!

Tom: Uh, my wife has asthma, so we’re looking for something with central ir.

Richard: Oh, I hear you, St. Louis! You want it nice and cooooool, so you can cuddle up and get warm with your lady!

Tom: Well, yeah. And, she has asthma.

Richard: Alriiiiight! Central air ROCKS!! Is that what you want, St. Louis!

Tom: Yeah, that’d be nice.

Richard: Well, then that’s.. what you’re gonna get! Wooooowwww!! Alriiiiiight!! Good night! We love you! [ jumps on top of the file cabinet and back to the floor ] Come on! Wooooooowww!! Yeah!! [ exits to back room ]

[ Agent claps, and encourages the couple to do the same as she holds up a cigarette lighter for an encore ]

Richard: Whoooooo!! Alright! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, St. Louis! You want to ROCK all night! And that’s good. Now.. [ puts on a pair of reading glasses ] I got just the house you might be looking for. Come on. How’s this sound. [ opens his book ] I got central air, three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, at $179,900, with an assumable mortage. Yooooooowwww!!!

Wife: Well, that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it, honey?

Tom: Yes, yes! When can we see it?

Richard: I can’t heeeeeear you!

Tom: When can we see it?

Richard: [ removes his glasses ] I can’t heeeeeear yoooooooouuuu!!

Wife: Uh, look, seriously, we’d like to see the house.

Richard: I’m serious, too. I’m deaf as a doornail. Fiftenn years in front of speakers, baby!

Wife: God, I’m so sorry. [ picks up her voice ] When can we see it!

Richard: Well, if you’re ready to ROCK! I’m ready to roll! Wooooooowww!! Let’s take my car, it’s the Volvo Wagon! [ dancing ] You’re gonna looooove this plaaaaaace!! Whoooooo!! Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!

[ he leads the couple out of the door ]

Richard: [ to Agent ] I’ll be back in an hour.

[ zoom in, as they exit, to a plaque on the wall next to the door, which reads: “Broker of the Month – Richard Bruce” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Laura Kightlinger
Adam West … Michael McKean
Robin … David Duchovny
… Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, removing thepaper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm Macdonald, thankyou. Thanks. Thank you. [clears throat] I’m NormMacDonald and this is the news:

It is now believed that in the months before theOklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may havesold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now! Huh?With that–? …

A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to beresponsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa– and a couple of really bad movies here in theUnited States. …

[Photo of O. J. Simpson standing in courtroom with hisarms outstretched] Well, in a questionable move by thedefense team, this week, O. J. Simpson demonstratedhow to stab two people at the same time. … [cheersand applause]

A Labor Department study shows that the number oftemporary workers rose to two million in 1994. Andthat study doesn’t even include, the mosttemporary of the temporarily unemployed — KatoKaelin. … [shakes his head dismissively at the joke,chuckles]

Norm MacDonald: Now, we’d like to talk to LauraKightlinger and find out what she’ll be doing over thesummer break. [applause]

Laura Kightlinger: Well, thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Laura.

Laura Kightlinger: Hi. Thank you. Thanks,Norm.

Well, you know, June is coming up so everyone,everyone I know will be either getting marriedor giving birth which means I’ll be spending yetanother summer ripping up baby pictures and weddinginvitations. … And, you know, I sometimes wonder,you know, should I just force myself to go to theseweddings? Or should I turn on a pitching machine andlet the balls hit my face? … Hmm. I don’t know, itjust seems like most of my friends from high schoolhave long since tied the knot and I’m getting older,so maybe I should think about hanging my self….

And since most of my married friends have babies, I’vejust lost all hope for a normal conversation with themon the phone. [glumly, into an imaginary phone] Uh,hi, Karen. Karen? [as a hyper, excited mother] “Hi,Laura! Wait! Joshua wants to say hello to you! Say,hi, Josh! Say, hi! Say, hi! Say, hi! Josh, say, hi!”[as her glum self] Hi, Josh. Listen, uh, I’ve justtaken a handful of pills. … Can you get your motherback on the phone?” [as hyper, excited mother] “Didyou hear him?! He said, “Hi!”

I don’t know, I just– I guess I’m just not convincedthat getting married and having babies is the answer.And I know that there are happy marriages butit’s because of some freak alignment of souls. And Ihave a friend who experienced such an alignment. Shewas the girl in grade school who went blind fromsitting too close to the TV and she married the guy ingrade school who made a face and it stayed that way…. In fact, I just got a picture of their lovelytoddler who broke his neck from leaning back in achair. …

You know, all right, now – now maybe they are atruly happy family — but families are neverwhat they appear to be. You know, I was in the parkand I saw a father playing catch with his two youngsons — and then his wife came over, swore at him,slapped the kids, and threw their ball away. And thatjust hit me so hard — because my mom never didanything with us.

Norm MacDonald: Hey, Laura, I, er–

Laura Kightlinger: Yeah?

Norm MacDonald: I bet this has some kind ofhappy ending, huh?

Laura Kightlinger: No. No, Norm. Itdoesn’t.

Norm MacDonald: Oh.

Laura Kightlinger: But, you know? Despite mytone, I do believe in love. To me, therewould be nothing more gratifying than justlying next to someone that I’ve been with for years ina safe, sterile environment and allowing that personto do – [chuckles] whatever it is he does -into a laundered towel. … And, if I can have that,then maybe–

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, maybe what?

Laura Kightlinger: Well, maybe marriage is inmy future.

Norm MacDonald: [unenthusiastic] We-e-ell, Icertainly – envy the lucky guy that winds up with youthere, Laura. …

Laura Kightlinger: You do, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

Laura Kightlinger: Aww, thanks.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s all right. Allright. [polite applause] Laura Kightlinger,everybody.

Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week afteroverdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Buseyis okay and he should be back in the hospitalin no time. …

Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New YorkCity with only three hundred and eighty-four murdersso far this year. Only three hundred andeighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that’s stillthree hundred and seven too many. … [mumbles] That’swhat I think.

The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build athree hundred million dollar hotel and entertainmentcomplex in New York’s Times Square. Constructionbegins next spring on their first attraction —Crack Whores of the Caribbean! …[applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, the summer movie seasonis just around the corner and one of the biggestreleases this year is the new Batman Forever.Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman,Mr. Adam West. Adam? [applause for the bespectacledold actor with the hopelessly square, deadpandelivery]

Adam West: Thank you, thank you. Thank you,Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-maniasweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate,than with my new book, “Back to the Batcave” — avirtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. [to Norm]For example, old friend, did you know … that theydon’t let me wear the mask any more. They’vethreatened to sue me if I appeared in public as the -Caped Crusader.

Norm MacDonald: [uninterested in bat-trivia]Ahh, that’s great, Adam. Hey – hey, how about that newBatman Forever movie, eh?

Adam West: Here’s an interesting – bat-fact,old chum: Cesar Romero played the Joker, but, youknow, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! [soberly]He’s dead now.

Norm MacDonald: [couldn’t care less] That’sgreat. Hey! What about Val Kilmer? You know, the newBatman?

Adam West: I wanted to play – Uncle Batman. He- he would be an older, distinguished gentleman –much like yourself, Commissioner Gordon. … And hewould help Batman fight crime! Ha! … Didn’t happen.

Norm MacDonald: Look, ah —

Adam West: Didn’t happen.

Norm MacDonald: Adam, are you gonna talk aboutthe new Batman movie here?

Adam West: Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon, I -I have to go. [abruptly exits]

Norm MacDonald: Adam West, ladies andgentlemen. Adam West. [polite applause] All right,well, in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah–

[Suddenly, Adam West returns, wearing Batman’s capeand cowl.]

Adam West as Batman: Evildoers, beware!

Norm MacDonald: [unnerved] Ohh, my God!

Adam West as Batman: It is I, Batman!

Norm MacDonald: Ohh, hey, ah – ah,Batman … Hey what – what happened to AdamWest, wasn’t he–?

Adam West as Batman: You mean – millionaireBruce Wayne? Why, he’s at a board meeting at WayneIndustries.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, right, hey, Adam, ah,seriously, you know, you’re not supposed to be wearingthat mask and cape in public. You know, somebody’sprobably watchin’–

Adam West as Batman: Let them sue me, Norm! Ifyou persist in calling me “Adam,” I – I’ll be forcedto use the bat-ray on you! [grabs at his pants, makingNorm nervous]

Norm MacDonald: [uncomfortable] Ohh, ah…

Adam West as Batman: [reassuring Norm] It’shere on my belt, don’t worry!

Norm MacDonald: [chuckles] No, no, no. Really.They’ll – they’ll sue you.

Adam West as Batman: [completely loses it] Isay let them, Norm! Then we’ll see who the true Batmanis! I’m Batman! Val Kilmer isn’t fit to wear mybat-tights. Do you hear me, Val? Do you hear me?!?!Aaagggggghhhhhh!

[Wearing mask and colorful costume, Batman’s youthfulsidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, runs in and puts hishands on Adam West’s shoulders.]

Robin: Holy Not-Taking-Your-Medication, Batman!…

Adam West as Batman: Robin? Robin? Is that you,my ward? Help me!

Robin: Yes, Adam.

Adam West as Batman: I don’t know where I am.

Robin: I’ve come to take you home.

Adam West as Batman: Where – where is “home”?

Robin: The bat cave!

Adam West as Batman: [terrified] No! No! I’mafraid of bats! No!

Robin: [reassuring] I’ll take care of you.

Adam West as Batman: [calms down a little]Thank you, old chum!

[Batman and Robin exit.]

Norm MacDonald: Adam West again, ladies andgentlemen. [applause] And – the other guy, Burt Ward,was with him.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released anupdated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the listthis year, is the really, really, really, really highchair. …

Well, last Friday in Washington D. C., the city’selementary school students pledged to stay drug freeas a gift to their moms on Mother’s Day. Meanwhile, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry … got his mom a great big boxof chocolates. …

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a Mother’sDay message, Weekend Update’s own, and my hero, AdamSandler! [cheers and applause]

Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you,thank you. Thank you, thank you. When we, uh, think ofMother’s Day, we always think of flowers and candy andtakin’ mom to dinner — you know, nice things. Buttonight I thought we should pay a little respect tosome moms who don’t have it so easy. Single moms. Thisyear there are over eight million single mothers outthere in this country alone. Eight million women whohave to act as both mother and father. One special daya year just isn’t enough for these brave, braveladies. Call me a feminist but, if you’re lookin’ forheroes, I’d say these women have Jordan and Gretzkybeat by a long shot. [spontaneous applause]

But, you know, what – what’s weird is, no one takesthe time to take care of them, make them feelspecial. Not just as mothers, but as women.Beautiful, beautiful women. So, I’d just like to sayto all you single moms out there, when you’re feelin’discouraged — like it’s all just too much for onegirl to take — little Adam’s here to make everythingall right. … That’s right, mama … I’m gonna make -I’m gonna make yo’ every fantasy come true. [sultrymusic begins; lights slowly dim; Sandler intones aspoken monologue over the music, as if on an early’70s soul hit:]

Dat man who walked out on you had to be crazy,baby,
What with your body lookin’ so right.
But you don’t have to be lonely tonight.
You know, mama, I hear you like to give your kids icecream.
Well, I like to eat ice cream, too.
But I hate eatin’ it out of a bowl.
Maybe you wanna tell little Adam where to that eat icecream off of.

Norm MacDonald: Whoa! Geez!

Adam Sandler: What?

Norm MacDonald: Adam, this is gettin’ a littleinappropriate here. …

Adam Sandler: Wait, Norm. I’m gettin’ to thegood part. …
[light changes to a smoky blue; a spotlit Sandlersings]
Turn out the lights, single mama!
Mother’s Day is he-ere!
Put away those diapers, pretty darlin’!
Take off that girdle and brassiere! …
The kids are fast asleep, pretty mama!
Time for the adults to get naughty!
You look so hot in that terry cloth robe!
Let it fall to the ground – oh, Lordy!

[Trio of soul singers enter, dressed in black, andstand behind Sandler, singing.]

Adam Sandler: ‘Cause I’m your SingleMother’s Day present, baby!

Singers: Ooh, baby!

Adam Sandler: And I can go all nightlong!

Singers: Ahhh, go all nightlong!

Adam Sandler and Singers: Not once, nottwice —

Adam Sandler: But three times, baby!
And I’ll sing you my Turkey Song!

Singers: Ooooh waahhhh! Turkey lurkeydoo!

Adam Sandler: I’ll do it foryou!

Singers: Turkey lurkey dee!

Adam Sandler: Take a big bite out ofme!

Singers: Turkey lurkey dactic!

Adam Sandler: I’ll make sure to wear aprophylactic!

Singers: Turkey lurkey lie!

Adam Sandler: Sammy Davis, Junior, only had- one – eye!

Singers: Doo, doo, one eye!

[Song ends to huge cheers and applause]

Adam Sandler: [shouts] Happy Mother’s Day![waves to camera, shakes hands with singers]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! That’sit, folks. See ya next year!

[Music. Norm manfully shakes hands with Sandler whowaves again. Norm nods and waves acknowledgment to thesingers as he removes the microphone from his necktie.Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 20

94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart

Zagat’s

Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler
Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Pauline…..David Duchovny

[Open in on a graphic showing a restaurant dinette set with “ZAGAT’S” written at the top in bold white letters]

Announcer V/O: “Zagat’s, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[The graphic adds the hosts’ names before fading away. The camera now shows Hank and Beverly Gelfand sitting in their living room.]

Beverly: Hello, and welcome to Zagat’s. I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank: (aggravated) What do you want?

Beverly: Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.

Hank: No!

Beverly: We’re going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank: Go away!

Beverly: Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide! (Beverly grabs a Zagat’s guide from under the table) Let’s take a look together! ( She gives a smile to the audience, and then to a barely interested Hank)

Hank: Dear God, here we go.

[Beverly fingers through the book]

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, It’s called “Patty’s Place” on 12th Street, there’s an art decor interior, and an international cuisine. That sounds like a lot of fun! (She gives a giant smile)

Hank: My father said, “Get married.” He should rot in his grave!

[Beverly fingers through the book again]

Beverly: How about “Mario’s Restaurant”? (reads) “Mini-Pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must! Ravioli? Holy Cannoli!” (She smiles once again, Hank shakes his head dissaprovingly)

Hank: Day and night she talks, each word more useless than the next.

Beverly: (still reading) “The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous” Oh, hear that Hank?

[Beverly rubs Hank’s leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up]

Hank: Give me cancer now, God!

Beverly: (reading) “Find southern fare at Charlie’s, there’s fried chicken and first-rate sevice, so come on down y’all, y’hear?”

[Hank grabs the book and rips it up, then there’s a moment of silence.]

Beverly: Hank and I have decided to spend a nice quiet evening at home, isn’t that right, Hank?

Hank: The book is gone,but the mouth goes on!

Beverly: Since we’re staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. Let’s find a show to watch in our…TV Guide! (picks up a TV Guide)

Hank: Just when I thought I was out, she drags me back in!

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, “Murder She Wrote”, Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer. Oh, I just love her, she’s so smart! (She gives another big smile)

Hank: See if there’s a program about shutting the hell up!

[Beverly gives a quick glare at the camera]

Pauline (V/O): Surprise!

[Pauline walks in, she has a present in her hand]

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy!

Pauline: Hi Beverly!, Hi Hank!

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy, it’s my sister, Pauline! What in heavens are you doing here?

Pauline: Well, I knew that you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock wood (knocks hand on Hank’s head) So I thought that I’d stop by with a present! (Gives present to Beverlywhile Pauline sits down next to Hank)

Beverly: Oh,you shouldn’t have, isn’t that nice, Hank? Look how pretty it is!

Hank: Please let it be a gun!

[Beverly opens up the present revealing another Zagat’s Guide, much to Hank’s dismay.]

Beverly: Oh, perfect! Look, Hank, Pauline bought us Zagat’s Restaurant Guide. We used to have one but um…Hank misplaced it.

[Beverly gives a taunting look at Hank.]

Pauline: Wait til’ you see sis, they’ve got the greatest restaurants in there!

Hank: I’m in the middle of a moron sandwich!

[Pauline takes the guide and begins reading it.]

Pauline: Oh, here, look (reads) “The Oyster Club, for the best clam chowder in town, all aboard for fine fish cuisine!” Mmm!

Beverly: (imitating a boat) Hoot Hoot! Yummy! Oh, let me take a look.

[Beverly takes the book and flips through it.]

Beverly: (reading) Oh, look, “The Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras every night, you’ll dance with delight” (laughs) That rhymes! That rhymes, doesn’t it, Hank? (tickles Hank) C’mere!

Hank: I’ve got stupid in stereo! (Beverly stops tickling him,Hank takes out some pills from the side of his chair) Sleeping pills, my only friend.

[Pauline takes the book while Hank pours the whole bottle of pills down his throat]

Pauline: Oh, here, my turn. (reads) “Care for chinese food? Try Uncle Chang’s, they’ve got the best egg rolls in town and don’t forget the dumplings!

Beverly: Don’t worry, I never do!

[Hank falls onto the table, knocked out from his sedatives. Beverly moves into Hank’s chair and takes the book from Pauline]

Beverly: Oh, here’s a place, let’s see, (reads) Oh, “Sullivan’s, for Irish food and fun, the fish and chips are fabulous, don’t just fill up on the soda bread!”

[The camera shows the graphic from the beginning]

Announcer (V/O): This has been Zagat’s with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

Submitted by: Nathan Jorgensen

SNL Transcripts

This Week with David Brinkley

David Brinkley…..Mark McKinney
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
George Will…..Michael McKean
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on show logo ]

[ dissolve to the set of “This Week with David Brinkley”, where Sam Donaldson, George Will, David Brinkley, and Bob Dole are seated in a row ]

David Brinkley: We’re back. I’m David Brinkley. Well, the 1996 presidential election is still a year and a half away, but already the field of Republican hopefuls is crowded.. with the likes of Phil Gramm.. Lamar Alexander.. Pat Buchanan.. and, here with us in the studio, Senate Majority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole, thank you for joining us this morning.

Bob Dole: Thank you, David. Thank you. Thank you, you know, actually, I’ve been here in the studio since last week – in fact, I’ve never left. I’ve done three “Nightline”s, a couple of “Good Morning America”s, a “Day One”, a “Primetime Live”.. I was gonna go home and take a shower, but, you know, it’s more trouble than it’s worth, and.. well, I brought along a couple of extra neckties, so I’m good ’til Wednesday!

David Brinkley: Senator, you know Sam Donaldson and George Will.

Bob Dole: Yes. Which reminds me, Sam. I found your library card. [ retrieves card from his back pocket, hands it to Sam ]

Sam Donaldson: Really? You did?

Bob Dole: Yeah, it was under the coach in the green room back there.

Sam Donaldson: Well, thank you.

Bob Dole: That’s where I slept last night. I’d just finished “World News Tonight”, it was.. three a.m., I had to get up for “Good Morning America”, so I jsut crashed here.

David Brinkley: George?

George Will: Senator, you’ve been a very visible presence in the morning news shows, CNN and so on. Is there not a danger or perception that you’re taking your presidential candidacy more seriously than your responsibilities in the Senate?

Bob Dole: Well, George, the Contract with America, as you know, is rapidly moving through the House. I expect that we in the Senate will have a few things to say about it. Bob Dole’s gonna work around the clock to see that it gets passed. You see, at my age you don’t need to sleep like these young guys do – your Phil Gramms, your Lamar Alexanders, and so forth. Bob Dole sleeps 45 minutes a night! On that couch in the green room.

David Brinkley: Yes, but.. Senator.. the Senate, unlike the House, is a —

Bob Dole: I eat less, too. Now, the average 180-pound man needs 3,000 calories a day just to function. Bob dole does it on 200! That’s six Saltines and an eight-ounce glass of root beer. That’s all I need!

David Brinkley: Sam?

Sam Donaldson: Senator Dole.. in this election, most observers agree that the race is yours to lose, and that you’re playing it safe. Is that, perhaps, why, so far, we’ve only seen Bob Dole the statesman, and not the other Bob Dole – Bob Dole the hatchet man of the ’76 campaign, the time-bomb waiting to go off of ’88?

Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] Well, Sam, I didn’t know you felt that way..

Sam Donaldson: Oh, but seriously, Senator, how long can you keep your famous dark side under control?

[ close-up on Bob Dole ]

Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously again ]

[ Bob Dole as a haloed angel pops up over Dole’s right shoulder ]

Bob Dole’s Angel: Stay calm, you’re the front runner; it’s not worth it. Don’t let him provoke you.

[ Bob Dole as a horned Devil pops up over Dole’s left shoulder ]

Bob Dole’s Devil: Are you gonna take guff from that impudent freak? Come on, lose your temper! Fly off the handle! Go nuts!

[ back to wide shot of the group ]

Bob Dole: Well, Sam, maybe Bob Dole has mellowed over the years. It’s one of those advantages of being my age. Here’s another one: I don’t have to buy clothes as often. I’ve been the same suit size for twenty years – 40 long!

Sam Donaldson: But what about the Bob Dole who, in the ’76 Vice-Presidential debate, said that Vietnam and World War 2 were, quote, “Democrat wars”?

[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]

Bob Dole’s Devil: They were Democrat wars! Tell him, you coward!

Bob Dole’s Angel: No! That’s the same advice you gave twenty years ago, and it cost us the election!

Bob Dole’s Devil: Stop lying about my record!

[ back to wide shot of the group ]

George Will: Senator Dole, you.. you’re sitting there silently, and I notice an angel Bob Dole and a devil Bob Dole sitting on your shoulder arguing.

Bob Dole: George, I’m not gonna sit here today and discuss my angel and devil!

George Will: Alright, fair enough, but let me ask you this: some of your critics are beginning to wonder if you stand for anything. Does your vision of a Bob Dole presidency involve anything more than just Bob Dole being president?

[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]

Bob Dole’s Devil: That’s it! We don’t have to listen to that! We deserve to be president! We’ve earned it! We’re 71 years old! Get him!

Bob Dole’s Angel: I agree with him! We’ve paid our dues, and it’s high time someone wiped that smirk off George Will’s face! You know it, I know it, the American people know! Get him!

[ back to wide shot of the group ]

Bob Dole: You don’t think I stand for anything, George?! [ jumps to his feet ] Well, I’ll stand now to give you the beating of your life!! Get up! I’ll show you how a septugenarian does it!

George Will: [ stands, removes his microphone ] This conversation has crossed the bounds of civility. [ runs off the set ]

Bob Dole: That’s right! Run away, George! Tell them you backed down from a fight with a 71-year-old one-armed man! [ waves his good fist at Sam Donaldson ] You want a piece of this?!

Sam Donaldson: This is the Bob Dole I was talking about.

Bob Dole: Well, take a good look, before I punch your lights out! [ Sam Donaldson runs for his life ] You, too, Brinkley! Get going! [ David Brinkley flees the studio ] Turn those cameras off! I’m tired.. I’m sleepy.. I want to take a nap. [ sits ] One more thing..

[ Bob Dole’s angel and devil reappear ]

Together: ..”Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 16

94p: John Goodman / The Tragically Hip

Dog Park

Owner…..John Goodman
Kathy…..Laura Kightlinger
Boo…..Adam Sandler
Steve…..Chris Farley

FADE IN:

[ NYC – DOG PARK – DAY ]

[ Various canine owners watch their pets play. A MALE OWNER and KATHY glance at the pets in the park on a bench. ]

Owner: Beautiful dog run, don’t you think?

Kathy: Yeah.

Owner: Yeah – it’s nice they carve some room for these little ‘fellas to run around.

Kathy: Yeah, New York’s getting nicer.

Owner: I’m an animal lover. So what’s yours?

[ Kathy points her right hand out. ]

Kathy: I got the Border Collie. See him? Right over there…

Owner: Oh, yeah! There he is. It’s a beautiful animal. Gosh, I love animals!

Kathy: Yeah. Me, too.

Owner: Animals – I love them! I guess I’m a softie that way. Family-man type.

Kathy: Yeah… So which one’s yours?

[ He points his left hand out to BOO, a man dressed in a cheap Dalmatian costume, barking and hopping around the other dogs. ]

Owner: There he is – the big one! You see him there?

Kathy: Yeah, he’s huge!

Owner: Yeah, yeah, that’s Boo, all right! Boy, I love to see him out there without a leash. Hey, hey! Come on, boy, catch!

[ The owner tosses Boo a tennis ball. A German Shepherd catches it, which angers Boo, who in turn growls and taunts it. The owner and Kathy laugh. ]

Owner: Good Boo!

[ The owner laughs some more as Boo return the tennis ball with his mouth. }

Owner: Yeah, makes the trip worth coming here. Plus, meeting nice people like yourself.

Kathy: You know, he’s kind of a weird-looking dog. I mean, I’m sorry. I just…

Owner: No, it’s all right. He’s, uh, inbred. That’s why he’s got the weird face and all. Damn breeders, they’re out of control!

Kathy: I read about that.

Owner: Sure. Cover of “Time”. They take them and then they keep breeding them to get this perfect look and then they ruin the poor things.

[ Boo grabs the German Shepherd by its hind legs and starts sniffing its rear. ]

Owner: Poor Boo was a reject. Yeah, I took him in because they were about to put him to sleep. It breaks your heart. I just love animals.

[ Boo grabs various dogs by their backsides and tries humping them. ]

Owner: He’s a frisky ‘fella! You can’t take that away from him!

Kathy: Yeah, you know, it just seems weird. I mean, he’s almost human.

Owner: Yeah. A lot of them seem like that.

Kathy: I mean it’s sweet that you saved him and everything, but, uh, it’s, uh, kind of disturbing.

[ Boo grabs a female dog and starts humping it with vigor. ]

Owner: You know, that’s not always a sex thing. They do that to show dominance.

Kathy: Right.

Owner: Yeah. I’m kind of a dog aficionado, I guess.

Kathy: Uh-huh.

[ Boo moves to a corner, stands up, and begins urinating. ]

Owner: See, now he’s marking his territory. That’s what they do. He’s saying, “This is mine.”

Kathy: You know what? Maybe it’s just that I’ve never seen a dog like that. Is he dangerous?

Owner: Oh, no! Come here, champ. He loves people.

[ Boo comes to his owner. ]

Owner: Come here. Attaboy. That’s it, Boo. That’s it, Boo. Now say hi to, uh — geez, I never did get your name?

Kathy: Kathy. That’s okay.

[ Boo tries to lick Kathy’s face and starts humping her left leg. ]

Owner: He loves you! Oh, you made a friend.

Kathy: I like dogs, but really… Oh, okay. Now, stop now. Stop it!

Owner: Hey! You heard her, Boo!

Kathy: All right, get down!

Owner: He loves you!

Kathy: Stop it. Stop! Get him off now!

Owner: He really likes you!

Kathy: Yeah, I can see that.

[ Boo grabs onto Kathy as she gets up. Kathy knees Boo in the groin. Boo limps over to his owner, who holds him close as he gets up from the bench. ]

Kathy: You are a couple of freaks!

[ Kathy points to Boo. ]

Kathy: You are the sickest guy I’ve ever met!

[ She then points to the owner. ]

Kathy: And you are somehow even worse. A “dog lover,” you make me sick.

Owner: Look, I don’t care what you say about me. But don’t hurt Boo. I can handle your nonsense but I’ve worked hard to get Boo to feel good about himself again. Boo is a real dog and don’t you ever say otherwise!

[ STEVE, a large man dressed in an equally cheap, brown canine costume, steps into the park. ]

Steve: Sorry I’m late!

[ Steve assimilates himself with the other dogs. ]

Kathy: That’s it! I’m going to report you! Hey, over here!

[ Kathy waves her arms. ]

Owner: Hey, Steve!

Kathy: Hey, Police!

Owner: Steve!

[ Steve lifts his back leg and pretends to urinate and gets up. ]

Steve: Hey, where are you guys going!?

Kathy: Over here! Somebody!?

[ All three huddle. ]

Owner: Come here. All right – Plan B: Horse Park in Central Park. Carriage shed. 5:30 tomorrow.

[ All three nod their heads in unison and depart. ]

Kathy: Police! Get those two big dogs! Police!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..John Goodman

John Goodman: Thank you to Tragically Hip! Mr. George Wendt! Elwood Blues and Mr. Dan Aykroyd! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts