Author: Don Roy King

Studio of the Apes

…..Charlton Heston
…..Joe Dicso
Virgil…..Rob Schneider
…..Phil Hartman
…..Chris Farley
…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Charlton Heston in his dressing room, sitting on the couch and talking into a mini-cassette recorder ]

Charlton Heston: And this completes my final journal entry, before I host the show. Eleven.. twenty-five P.M., December 4th A.D., 1993.

Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Mr. Heston.

Charlton Heston: Fine, Joe. I’ll just, uh.. lie down for a couple of minutes.

[ Heston lies across the couch, as he again speaks into his mini-cassette recorder ]

You know, there’s one thing still bothering me: Is man truly meant to be funny? I just don’t know.

[ Heston falls asleep, as the clock on the wall spins at a rapid pace ]

[ the years zoom by – 1994.. 1995.. 1996.. 2000.. 2050.. 2200.. stopping at 3978 ]

[ Heston wakes from his nap, now bearded and dazed ]

Charlton Heston: Wha..? what time is it..? I.. overslept.. Why the hell didn’t somebody wake me..?

[ Heston stumbles into the empty hall, failing to notice the framed photos of apes lining the walls ]

Charlton Heston: Hello? Somebody! Any.. hello..? Where is every.. Hello?! Hello..! [ echoes ] What’s going on here, anyway?

[ Heston approaches the doors to the studio, flanked with futuristic scarecrows from the “Planet of the Apes” movie. The familiar music sting eminates upon their image, then cuts as Heston notices the back of a stagehand inside the doorway ]

Charlton Heston: Oh. There’s somebody. Hey! sir? Hello?

[ the stagehand turns around – it’s an ape ]

Charlton Heston: Aaagghh!! [ runs down the hall ] Oh, my God! It’s happening again!

[ warning horn sounds, as an ape army chase after Heston ]

Apes: There’s a human on the loose! Human!

[ Heston runs past a female stagehand, who screams at the sight of the escaped human ]

Charlton Heston: I need some help! Somebody! [ peeks into the control room ] There’s apes everywhere!

[ control operators turn to face Heston – they, too, are apes ]

Charlton Heston: My God! They’ve taken over the control room!

Director: Call Security!! There’s a human loose in the studio!

[ Heston wanders in front of the musical guest stage, also flanked by a scarecrow ]

Charlton Heston: What.. kind of a show is this..?

[ cut to the show being broadcast. It’s a Richmeister sketch starring Ape Virgil in Rob Schneider’s ancient role ]

[ Ape Cornelius enters scene to make some copies ]

Virgil: Cornelius! Cornelius-o-rama! The Apeinator! Apeman! Aaaaaaape!

Cornelius: Hi, Virgil. Just making some copies.

Virgil: Alriiiiiight!! Captain Cornelius, mak-in’ cop-ies! Baron von Aaaaape!

[ Heston walks past the set, even the ape cameraman turns to notice ]

Charlton Heston: How is this possible..?

Virgil: [ points at Heston ] There he is! There! Get him! [ begins pounding on his desk in a raged fury ]

[ Heston walks across the stage, where he notices Phil Hartman and other cast members from the human cast of 1993 trapped inside a cage ]

Charlton Heston: Phil! Phil! Oh, thank God you’re alive.. I never thought I’d see you again.. This crazy place.. Phil? Phil? [ Phil stares dazed back at Heston ] What’s going on? [ turns Phil’s face, to reveal stitchery on the side of his forehead ] Oh, damn you?! Damn you, go to hell! You cut out his brain! [ notices Chris Farley staring dazed from inside the cage ] Chris? Chris! What abot you? Talk to me! Are you okay? [ no response from Chris ] Oh, my God! You cut out his brain, too!

Tim Meadows: No, Mr. Heston.. Chris is fine, he’s always like this.

Chris Farley: “Ten Commandments” was awesome!

Charlton Heston: I’m in hell! [ ape audience throws vegetables at him ] My God! The audience is apes, too!

[ the ape army runs in and covers Heston with a mesh net ]

Charlton Heston: Aaaggh!! Aaagghhh!! Take your stinkin’ hands off me, you damn dirty ape! [ seizes the netting off of him ] “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Bag Man

Customer…..Melanie Hutsell
Elwin…..Charlton Heston
Loudspeaker Voice…..Rob Schneider
Manager…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hayden…..Julia Sweeney
Punk #1…..David Spade
Punk #2…..Adam Sandler

[ open on interior, supermarket aisle, as elder bag boy Elwin shelves groceries ]

[ a female customer approaches Elwin ]

Customer: Excuse me, are these apples fresh?

Elwin: Oh, I’ll say they are, young lady. Those are fresh Granny Smith apples, straight from the orchard. Yeah, they’d make a great pie. I’ll tell you what you do – you drop a few of those in your pocket. I won’t say a thing. Why pay for something you’re not sure you want?

Customer: Well.. sure! Maybe I will steal a couple! And, you know what? I’ll bring you a slice of pie to pay you back!

Elwin: Oh, that’s a great idea, ma’am!

Customer: Thanks!

Elwin: Thank you.

[ the female customer walks away ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on six-ounce Cling peaches.

Elwin: Uh.. three dollars and eighty-nine cents!

Loudspeaker Voice: Uh.. that can’t be right. They’re not that much.

Elwin: Oh, yes, they are, Captain!

[ Elwin’s Manager comes around the corner to reprimand him ]

Manager: [ stern ] Elwin! Six-ounce Cling peaches are fifty cents! What’s wrong with you? You know, I’ve managing here for three weeks now, and I must say you are, without a doubt, the worst employee here. I don’t know how you’ve lasted here for forty years —

Elwin: No, no – forty-two years, Captain. I-I started in 1951!

Manager: Look, Elwin, you’ve been with the company for a long time, but maybe it’s time to.. well.. you know..

Elwin: [ confused ] No. I don’t know. What?

Manager: Well, don’t you think it’s a little strange to be a bag boy at your age?

Elwin: Strange, yeah. But, then, a lot of things in this world are strange. I read in the paper that a guy actually ate 65 hot dogs to win a ten dollar bet. Now, that’s strange. And, in that same paper, I read about a fellow who got fired from his job, and then he came back the next day with a shotgun, and shot his boss and killed him. And three of his co-workers, too. And then he danced some sort of insane death dance! [ laughs ] Yeah, it is a strange world!

Manager: [ mortified ] All I’m saying is.. Cling peaches.. are fifty cents.

Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’ll remember that for sure!

[ the Manager slinks away, as Elwin continues the shelf he was working on ]

[ Mrs. Hayden approaches with her young son in their shopping cart ]

Mrs. Hayden: Hello, Elwin.

Elwin: Well! Hello, Mrs. Hayden! [ to the young boy ] Hi there, tiger!

Young Boy: Hi!

Elwin: How you doing?

Young Boy: Good.

Elwin: Hey, little guy, I-I got a present for you. [ picks up a cereal box, pulls the prize out of it and hands it to the young boy ] There we are!

Mrs. Hayden: [ chuckles ] Say thanks to Elwin, Andy!

Young Boy: Thanks.

Elwin: Now, you be good to your mother, sport!

Young Boy: Okay.

Mrs. Hayden: Okay. So long.

[ Mrs. Hayden exits down the aisle ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on a head of lettuce.

Elwin: Sixteen bucks!

[ Elwin’s Manager comes running back up the aisle ]

Manager: Are you crazy??! Sixteen bucks for a head of lettuce?!!

Elwin: Well, come to think of it, th-that is crazy. But, you know, lately I’ve been thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts. I thought lettuce was sixteen bucks, and, just before that, I thought that Cling peaches were $3.89.. and, just yesterday, I was thinking how much fun it might be to climb into a man’s house while he sleeps, and then beat him to death with a shovel! I guess.. at my age, I guess a man’s mind starts playing little tricks on him, you know?

Manager: Alright, look.. uh.. from now on, I’ll do the price checks.

Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’m with you on that!

[ the Manager walks away again, as a pair of punks approach Elwin ]

Punk #1: Awwww, hi Bag Boy! Look, it’s the bag boy! Get a promotion yet, Bag Boy?

Elwin: Aw, th-that’s funny, it really is. ‘Cause you mean, because I’ve been a bag boy for forty-two years.

[ the two punks laugh at Elwin ]

Punk #2: Hey, Bag Boy, is that your name? what’s your mom’s name? Bag Lady?

Elwin: Oh, yeah, that’s funny, too. Bag Lady. Now, that is funny. I.. I got a joke for you fellows. Now, maybe it’s an old. If it is, if you’ve heard, why, you let me know, huh? It seems there’s an old guy – this old guy, and he takes these two kids and he cuts off their heads.. [ runs his finger across their necks ] And then, um.. there they are, running around with the blood squirting out of their necks. Uh.. a roaring fountain of blood. Oh.. but, I forgot the punch line.

[ the two punks quietly slip away ]

Elwin: Those are nice young fellows.

Loudspeaker Voice: Clean up on Aisle 3.

Elwin: Yeah, what is it?

Loudspeaker Voice: Carton of eggs.

Elwin: Oh, let ’em dry – I’ll scrape ’em up later.

[ Elwin’s Manager comes running up again ]

Manager: Look, Elwin. I don’t want you to take this personally, but.. we need to make a few staff cut backs, and, well, you seem to be awful close to retirement, so I thought, maybe —

Elwin: Whoa. Why – why would I want to retire? I love working here, Captain.

Manager: Well, Elwin.. maybe it would give you more time to relax, maybe work on your hobbies —

Elwin: Yeah, yeah, I do have some hobbies. I collect coins, and I’ve got a matchbook cover for practically every diner in the southwest area —

Manager: [ chuckles happily ] Well, you see! There you go!

Elwin: Yeah. And there’s another hobby I was thinking of taking up, but, uh.. only if I had enough time on my hands. You know, the funny thing is, this one involves you. Yeah, yeah. I was gonna see how loud I could get you to scream, but.. not by using the pliers on you, but on the ones you love the best. Ohhh, I’ll bet we can get it so the screams echo off the walls of that remote tool shed for years!

Manager: [ stone-faced, filled with shock and dread ] What the hell are you —

Elwin: Well, if you retire, you gotta keep busy, right, Captain?

Manager: [ sweating ] Whoa.. whoa.. what’s all this talk about retirement? I got a feeling there’s quite a few years before you get your gold watch! [ laughs nervously ]

Elwin: Well, maybe.. maybe you’re right. I guess I’ll just stick to my coins and matchbooks, I guess, for now, that other thing will just remain a dream just out of reach.

Manager: I’m gonna go clean up those eggs..

Elwin: Right, Captain, right!

[ Manager slinks away again, prepared to hide from Elwin altogether ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on twelve-pound honery-glazed ham.

Elwin: Two for a nickel!

[ Elwin tosses his price-checker into the air ]

[ zoom out on set, as Heston walks away and we fade to commercial ]

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Patrick O’Callahan…..Charlton Heston

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. Well holiday season is coming, a Happy Hanukah to you and yours. Of course the big news is that I Linda Richman am going to see Barbra Joan Streisand New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas Nevada. Ach I’m dying. My sister Judy got me the tickets because she loves me and knows how much she means to me. Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Italian Neo Realist Movement in film was neither Italian nor neo nor particuarly a movement. Discuss! There I feel better. Okay we have a very special guest. His name is Patrick O’Callahan. He lives here in the building. We met during a rent strike. Welcome to Coffee Talk Patrick.

Patrick O’Callahan: Oh Thanks Linda. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Linda Richman: Can you believe this is my new boyfriend(pinches his cheek) such a goyeschaponnum. He’s got the map of Ireland written on that face. Tell em what you used to do.

Patrick O’Callahan: I’m a retired New York policeman.

Linda Richman: Can you believe it? An Irish cop and me it’s like a sitcom. I feel like I’m on Bridget loves Bernie the Golden Years. The first time he came to my apartment, I thought you’re a goy so you’re probably a drinker. Are you hungry? Fix yourself a bowl of scotch.

Patrick O’Callahan: That’s great Linda I love all of your stick.

Linda Richman: That’s sch-tick.

Patrick O’Callahan: Sch-tick. That’s right. I feel like such a smuck.

Linda Richman: Close enough. Close enough. Don’t go changing just to please me. I’ll tumble for you. Let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Linda. First of all I think Patrick is very attractive.

Patrick O’ Callahan: Thanks. I’m ker velling.

Linda Richman: That’s kavelling, not ker-velling like ker-plunk. Okay what’s your question?

Caller #1: Did you see Barbra’s new album called “Back on Broadway”?

Linda Richman: Are you kidding? It’s like buttah. Each song is like a stick of buttah. That album is on the Land O Lakes label. It’s to die for. Our number is 555-4444 Hello? You’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hello Linda? Did you hear of a new unauthorized biography called “Call Me Barbra”?

Linda Richman: Fech. Nebech pooh pooh pooh Staligze ziebe zieble sie koppen drratd.

Caller #2: What does that mean?

Patrick O’Callahan: It means uh stick your head in the ground and act like an uh, an onion.

Linda Richman: Very Good. Well Erin Go Bra to you.

Patrick O’Callahan: That was from our first date.

Linda Richman: I still can’t believe I’m going to see Barbra in Las Vegas. It gives shpilkes in my genecktegessoink. Too much good is nishkit.

Patrick O’ Callahan: Linda, you’re getting some shpilkes (hesitates) well orveshamin.

Linda Richman: He tries. God knows he tries. Bless Him. God bless him. Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #3: Hello Patrick, what are your feelings about Linda, and what are your intensions?

Patrick O’Callahan: What’s Linda like? She’s like butter.

Linda Richman: Start.

Patrick O Callahan: When I first met her, I thought that woman had alot of spunk. She has alot of tutchspahk. You’re some woman Linda I’m honored to know you.

Linda Richman: How can you not love this man?He’s my hubble from the way we were. Hubble? There I go again I’m all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you yes another topic. The Partridge Family were neither Partridges nor a family Discuss! There I feel better. Thank you.

Patrick O’Callahan: Linda I want you to know I’m very serious about our relationship.

Linda Richman: Patrick, if you should ever move in, I never want to hear this question. Where should we put the tree? I don’t want to be seeing pictures of you know who and I’m not talking about Santa Claus.

Patrick O’Callahan: Linda, I’m not talking moving in. Linda, will you marry me?

Linda Richman: Oye gotanu. Now I’m getting to be verklempt again. That’s all the time we have for this week. Thank you Patrick. To be continued. I’m Linda Richman. Good night.

(scene fades)

Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Charlton Heston

Charlton Heston: I want to thank you all, you’ve made a great audience, just a marvelous audience!

[ the audience cheers and the band begins to play. Heston glances at Westerberg standing next to him, and realizes that he hasn’t thanked him yet. Unfortunately, the audio has already been lowered. The two share the share the glance, as Westerberg points to himself and Heton attempts to acknowledge him to the audience. The two shake hands and laugh it off. ]

[ next to them on the stage, Chris Farley, still dressed as his Mr. O’Malley character, holds up a sign that reads: “Happy Birthday Joe!” and shakes it around ]

SNL Transcripts

History’s Great Over-Thinkers

Host…..Jeff Goldblum
Thomas Edison…..Phil Hartman
Orville Wright…..Adam Sandler
Leonardo DaVinci…..Rob Schneider
Albert Einstein…..Mike Myers

[ show title card ]

Host: I.. I think so. [ looks up and notices the cameras have begun to roll ] Ahhh, hello! And welcome once again to “History’s Great Overthinkers”. Tonight: our distinguished guests are.. [ camera pans across each guest as their name is called, and they acknowledge the camera with a nod ] ..Thomas Edison.. Orville Wright.. Leonardo DaVinci.. and Albert Einstein. Arguably, the greatest overthinkers.. of all time. Tonight, I thought we’d start our program with the inventor of motion pictures, the phonograph and the light bulb – a true genius and great overthinker – Thomas Edison.

Albert Einstein: Well, I certainly-

Host: [ interrupting ] But, then I thought.. [ clears his throat ] ..why not begin with Albert Einstein? After all, he may be the greatest pure thinker in history. So, it would stand to reason that he’d also be the best over thinker. So, why not begin with him.

Albert Einstein: Vell.. in Germany-

Host: [ interrupting again ] But, then I thought.. uh.. maybe we should save our big gun for later, or maybe we could do an entire show on just Einstein himself – he’s certainly worthy of an entire show. So, why not start off with the inventor of the first self-propelled, manueverable airplane – Orville Wright. Orville?

Orville Wright: It’s a pleasure to be here-

Host: [ interrupting ] Ah.. I’m sorry, Orville – would you mind if Leonardo goes first?

Orville Wright: Uh.. no..

Host: ‘Cause, see, I was just thinking the audience might enjoy seeing Leonardo first, since he’s such a famous artist. And.. I also thought that an artist’s ideas should be set apart from three scientists’ ideas.. which makes me, uh.. think.. I-I should definitely save Leonardo for last.. Uhm Mr.. Edison.. why don’t we start with you? Mr. Edison, what was the most promising invention you ever backed out of.. because of overthinking?

Thomas Edison: Well, I had an idea for a car that runs on water.. but then I thought there already was a car that runs on gasoline.. and maybe the ideas were too similar. Of course, gasoline’s more scarce than water, but, although at the time, i-i-it wasn’t scarce at all–

Host: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. now I’m thinking I should have let Leonardo talk first, and just trusted my intuition. I was originally afraid of the fact that Leonardo doesn’t speak any English – might be distracting to the audience – but now I-I think it’s endearing. Leonardo? Why don’t you start first?

Leonardo DaVinci: [ mumbles in Italian ] The.. eh.. invencionne..

Host: [ interrupting again ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. we’re out of time. I’m so sorry.

Leonardo DaVinci: Non potempo?

Host: Uhh.. no. No. This has been “History’s Great Overthinkers”. We usually come on Tuesdays at 6:30 PM, but then we thought that most people eat at 6:30 – and it’s more a weekend kind of show, anyway – so we thought we’d move to Sundays at 8:00 PM.. but then we thought, that might confuse people too much with the change.. so we thought we’d split the difference, and come on Tuesdays at 6:00 AM. Then we thought, you know, that’s.. that’s so early.. and nobody’s up that.. that early. So, we finally went with a Wednesday time, around midday..

[ show title, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Rock For Michael

Frank Gifford…..Phil Hartman
James Taylor…..Kevin Nealon
David Pirner…..David Spade
…..Steven Tyler
The Proclaimers…..Mike Myers, Norm MacDonald
Snoop Doggy Dogg…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Dre…..Ellen Cleghorne
Eddie Vedder…..Adam Sandler
The B-52’s…..Rob Schneider, Julia Sweeney, Melanie Hutsell
Meat Loaf…..Chris Farley
…..Joe Perry

Frank Gifford: Good evening, I’m Frank Gifford. The sports world was rocked this week by the surprise retirement of Michael Jordan. In a last ditch effort to get him to change his mind, some of the biggest names in music have come together to record a hastily put together benefit song. Ladies and gentlemen – “Rock For Michael”.

[ cut to recording studio, littered with various recording artists ]

James Taylor: [ to “Fire And Rain” ]
“I’ve seen Magic, and I’ve seen Bird
I saw Kareem retire, but I never said a word.
But I always thought I’d see you play one more time again.”

David Pirner: [ to “Runaway Train” ]
“Runaway Mike, better come back
Got season tickets, can’t get my money back.
Don’t you know you’re so crowd pleasin’
Won’t you stick around one more season?”

Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play for the fans, and play for the cheers.
Play the Sonics, play the Knicks, too
Even the Celtics
We’ll still root for you!”

The Proclaimers: [ to “500 Miles (I’m Gonna Be)” ]
“I’ve seen you score
500 points
I want to see you score
500 more.
Just to be the man
Who could say he saw a man
Score 1,000 points
On the basketball floor.
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael, hey!
Michael, ho!
Michael Jordan!”

Snoop Doggy Dogg: [ to “Who Am I? (What’s My Name?)” ]
“Bow-wow-wow!
Yippie-yo, Yippie-yay!
Keep Jordan in the mother [ bleep ] house!”

Dr. Dre:
“Michael Jordan
Where you think you’re goin’?
With your tongue hangin’ out
And your bald head showin’!”

Snoop Doggy Dogg:
Don’t you know
You’re in a higher class?
So come on back
Before I pimp-slap your [ bleep ]!”

Eddie Vedder: [ to “Even Flow” ]
Even.. please don’t quit yet!
Even.. you’re the best dribbler!
Even.. who’s Pippen gonna pass to?
Even.. golf is so boring, oh, yeah!”

Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play against Isiah, play against Laimbeer.
Take the basketball ,throw it through the hoop
Do a 360
And slam an alley-oop!”

The B-52’s: [ to “Love Shack” ]
“If you stop playing, you’ll get as big as a whale!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!
Michael! Don’t forget your endorsement money!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!”

Meat Loaf: [ to “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” ]
“Michael, sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”

Eddie Vedder:
“I gotta know right now!

Meat Loaf:
“Let him sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”

All: [ to “Dream On” ]
“Play on, play one more year
Bulls can’t win without you
It’s very, very clear.
Play on!
Play on..!”

Steve Tyler:
“..Play on, Michael!
Michael, we want you to keep playing, and..”

Steven Tyler & Joe Perry: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Subway Guitarist

Young Man…..David Spade
Guitarist…..Rob Schneider
Yuppie…..Jeff Goldblum
Harmonica Player…..Adam Sandler

[ open on interior, subway ]

[ fade to guitarist playing by the track, as a Young Man tosses some loose change into his open guitar case ]

Guitarist: [ somewhat offended ] Hey, what are you doing?

Young Man: I just put some money in there. I’m a little bit of a musician myself.

Guitarist: Hey, I don’t need your handout, man! I’m not a begger! I’m just playing here!

Young Man: Sorry..

Guitarist: Well, take your money back!

Young Man: Alright.. easy.. [ takes money back, walks away ]

[ guitarist continues playing, as a Yuppie walks by and tosses some loose change into the open guitar case ]

Guitarist: [ again offended ] Hey, what are you throwing money in there for?

Yuppie: [ confused ] Well, you’re a street musician, right?

Guitarist: Yeah? So?

Yuppie: So, I’m giving you mnoey.

Guitarist: I’m an artist! I’m not doing this for money!

Yuppie: Then, why do you have change in there?

Guitarist: ‘Cause that’s where I keep my change! In my guitar case! There’s no law against it!

Yuppie: Okay. [ takes his change back, begins to read his newspaper while waiting for his subway car ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Please give me money
I’m very hungry.
Please give me money
So I can eat.
I don’t have another job
This is what I do for a living.
Please give me money
So I won’t starve.”

Yuppie: Here, go ahead and take it, you need it more than me. [ drops the loose change into the guitar case ]

Guitarist: What the hell did I just say?!

Yuppie: Well.. you said that you’re an artist, and you’re not doing it for money.

Guitarist: That’s right!

Yuppie: Yes.. but then you started singing, and you said you needed the money or you’ll starve. So.. please.

Guitarist: [ outraged ] That’s just a song, man! If I sing “Please Mr. Postman”, that doesn’t make you go out and deliver the mail!

Yuppie: Alright.. I guess not..

Guitarist: That’s right!

Yuppie: Oh, I understand.. it’s just a song!

Guitarist: Yeah. So, take your money.

Yuppie: Alright. [ takes money back ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“It wasn’t just a song
I rally need the money.
I was just to embarrassed
To let you give it to me.Please come back
And put the money in my case.
I’m not really an artist
I’m just a begger.”

Yuppie: [ throws the change back into the guitar case ]

Guitarist: What are you doing? I saw that!

Yuppie: Hey, you don’t have to be embarrassed, I understand everything now.

Guitarist: Understand what?! I told you not to throw money in there!

Yuppie: It’s okay. I heard your song. If you want, consider it a loan.

Guitarist: It’s just a song, man! I’m doing my next record about poor people! I’m just down here for acoustics!

Yuppie: Really? Are you sure? Because, you know, I thought your song was specifically telling me to give you money.

Guitarist: The song’s not about you! What are you, an egomaniac?

Yuppie: Fine. [ takes money back ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Hey, you, mister
The one with the brown courderoy blazer.
And the black scarf
wrapped around your neck
I’m sorry I called you an egomaniac
I didn’t really mean it.
Please don’t listen to me
When I’m yelling at you
The stuff in the song
Is what’s really important
I’m still very hungry
Whatever you can spare would be very welcome.”

Yuppie: Here.. Listen.. my train is coming. I’ll just stand it right next to your case, you can keep it if you want, if you don’t want it, fine.

Guitarist: Hey, I don’t want your money, you arrogant yuppie creep! [ throws the loose change into the subway ]

Harmonica Player: Hey, buddy? You mind if I play here?

Guitarist: Oh, sure, man! I’d love a little harmonica accompaniment.

[ singing ]

“Please go away
I’d rather play alone.
I was here first
You’re horning in on my action..”

Harmonica Player: Hey.. you want me to leave, I’ll leave.

Guitarist: Hey, no, this is great! That last chord you played was perfect, man! It was great!

[ singing ]

“I warned you once to leave
Now, I’ll have to kill you.When you’re not looking
I’ll push you into the next train.
They’ll never find your body..”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Karl’s Video Store

Karl…..David Spade
Man…..Rob Schneider
…..Jeff Goldblum
Mother…..Ellen Cleghorne
Fat Man…..Chris Farley
…..Steven Tyler

[ open on interior, Karl’s Video Store ]

Karl: Looking for a comedy?

Man: Um.. yeah.. maybe.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Meatballs 3”. Right above your left hand over there. No Bill Murray, but a great cast – good character development, lot of laughs, can’t go wrong – “Meatballs 3”.

Man: Ah, well, thanks, anyway.. but I don’t think that’s something I’d like.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. It’s your decision. Take a looksie. [ walks over to Jeff Goldblum in the store ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey..

Karl: Looking for a drama?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. I guess so.

Karl: You know what’s good? “Traces of Red”. Just got it in. Great cast – Lorraine Bracco, Jim Belushi.. good plot line.. good running time – 94 minutes, not too long, not too short – good film.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, I’m not sure about that one, but thanks very much.

Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. You’re the one watching it, not me, right? [ lauhs ] It’s your 94 minutes, right?

Jeff Goldblum: Right. Hey.. do you have, um.. “The Verdict”? I hear it’s very good.

Karl: Mmm.. “The Verdict”.. [ thinking ] who’s in that?

Jeff Goldblum: Paul Newman.

Karl: Yes. It’s right above your right hand, “The Verdict”, there you go. I don’t know if you’re gonna like it – it’s too preduicatable, you realzie halfway through he’s gonna win the case, no surprises.

Jeff Goldblum: Well, now I know how it ends.. so I guess I don’t have to rent it..

Karl: Alright, alright! I’m sorry. My fault! It’s your night. You’re the boss.

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah. Uh.. listen.. do you have, um.. do you have an adult section?

Karl: Sure! Pornos? Back corner! If you need any help, my name is Karl with a K. Give a yell.

Jeff Goldblum: [ comes forward to check out ]

Karl: [ notices Jeff staring at the celebrity photos onthe wall ] Okay.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. you see that? Lot of stars come in here, lot of stars all the time, in and out. I got all their credit card numbers – I don’t do anything with them. Okay.. “Children of a Lesser God”.. alright.. “Ladyhawke”.. Okay.. “On Golden Blonde”. [ suddenly recognizes Jeff ] Are.. you Jeff Goldblum? You’re Jeff Goldblum!

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.

Karl: Oh, my God! This is a great! No way! You, sir, are great! I am a fan. This is so neat for me, oh my gosh!

Jeff Goldblum: [ worried about his porno rental ] Could you just throw that in the bag..?

Karl: You know, do you have a glossy or smething, that I could put on my wall?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. fine.. but could you just go ahead and ring those right up..?

Karl: Oh, wow.. You know, Bob Saget comes in here a lot – big porn freak. Yeah. He likes the girl-girl stuff. Nice guy. I got his home phone number – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ enters, drops videotapes on the counter ] Hey, listen, um.. you recommended these, and these are horrible! You’re not gonna charge me for them, are.. [ notices Jeff Goldblum, gets excited ] Oh! You’re Jeff Goldblum?! I cxan’t believe you’re here!

Karl: I can, I can.. Lot of stars come in here all the time. Shirley Hemphill was in here two days ago – rented “Car Wash”, loved it. Nice lady. I’ve got her address – I’m not gonna do anything with it.

Mother: [ looks through Jeff’s rentals ] So, what have you got here? Ooh, “Ladyhawke”, this is really good..

Karl: Oh, yeah, that’s not all..

Mother: [ holds up the porno, distraught ] Ohhhh.. this is disgusting!

Daughter: [ pointing ] Mom, is he a pervert?

Mother: Yes, he is. [ exits ]

Karl: Hey, listen, ignore her – she rented “Troop Beverly Hills” for three weeks. [ spins finger around his head ] Don’t listen to anything she says.

Jeff Goldblum: Well..

Karl: You were in.. “Into The Night”.

Yeah.

Karl: My 14th favorite movie.. 1985.. good set design, good costumes, good running time.. I am a fan. [ bows ]

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. thank you very much.

Karl: Tell me something?

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah?

Karl: Between you, me, and the wall – did you and Michelle Pfeiffer, uh.. have a little off-screen.. [ whistles and winks ]

Jeff Goldblum: Hey! I think that’s a personal question.

Karl: Alright, alright! None of my business. That’s your call. Hey, can I interest you in a rewind machine while you’re here? On sale, $19.95, Gabe Kaplan got two. Nice guy, rents “Faces of Death”, kind of weird.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, really? No, well.. you know.. when the tape finishes, I can just push the rewind button on my VCR..

Karl: Alright, alright! That’s your call. It’s your night. You’re the boss. George Carlin doesn’t rewind, but, God love him, he’s a busy man, I don’t charge him.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh.. well, that’s so nice of you.

Karl: Okay, well..

Fat Man: [ enters ] Excuse me..?

Karl: Yeah, uh, back corner.

Jeff Goldblum: Thanks! [ retreats to back corner ]

Karl: If you could just bring that glossy in here, a lot of stars come in here, I like to show off.

Jeff Goldblum: Will do.

Karl: Okay. Nice to meet you.

Jeff Goldblum: Nice to meet you. Thank you. [ heads for door ]

Steven Tyler: [ enters ] Excuse me? You work here?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. back corner.

[ Steven retreats to the back corner, as Jeff exits the store ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network

Christopher Walken…..Jay Mohr
Todd Bridges…..Tim Meadows
Crispin Glover…..David Spade

Announcer: It’s time for “Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network”.

Christopher Walken: Hello. I’m Christopher Walken. And welcome.. to Christopher Walken’s Psychic Friends Network. If you would like to be.. my psychic friend.. call this number now. I can tell you about.. money.. success.. love.. and romance.. or.. just hang out with you. All it takes is a phone.. and an open mind. No one will know. No one. I can tell you things about yourself. Things you don’t know. [ phone doesn’t ring ] Why aren’t you calling? You could be.. in grave danger.. and I can help you.. as your psychic friend. While we’re waiting.. for your call.. I’d like to introduce my first guest. It’s someone you already know. He was the star of the television series “Diff’rent Strokes”.. now, he’s my psychic friend. It’s Todd Bridges.

Todd Bridges: Hi, Christopher, it’s great to be here!

Christopher Walken: I know! Todd, tell us.. how you became.. a psychic friend.

Todd Bridges: Well, Christopher, I had just killed someone, and I was high on crack. And then, I called the Psychic Friends Network, and you let me know I was in grave danger.

Christopher Walken: Oh.. that’s wonderful, Todd.. we’re very, very proud of you. If you’d like to talk with Todd.. and be his psychic friend.. call now. Todd could come to your house.. and advise you.. but he can’t.. unless you call. [ phones don’t ring ] Why aren’t you calling Todd? Maybe you’re not at home. Call anyway. By the time you get home.. he could be there.. waiting for you. My next geust, you know. He was in the movie.. “Back To The Future”. It’s Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover: Hey, you.. it’s great to be here!

Christopher Walken: Crispin.. how did you become.. a psychic friend?

Crispin Glover: Well, Christopher.. I’m not really good at.. confrontations. So I called the Psychic Network, and you told me I was in great danger.

Christopher Walken: That’s nice, Crispin. If you’d like to know.. about future success.. money.. romance.. or.. great danger.. call us. Do it. No one.. will know. [ phones don’t ring ] I don’t understand.. why you’re not calling.

Todd Bridges: Well, Chris, maybe the audience should know we’re not the only members of the Psychic Friends Network.

Christopher Walken: Todd’s right.. there are others who can come to your house.. like Rick James.. the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. and Sean Young. Todd, Crispin, Rick and Sean, and the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. want to spend time with you.. at your house.. but they can’t do that.. unless you tell us where you live.. so, please.. call now.

Todd Bridges: I’d like a key to you house.

Crispin Glover: I’d like to be your soulmate.. [ laughs ] ..and have a key to your house.

Christopher Walken: We know. Call. Look, you’re wasting time.. we could be in your driveway by now. Me and Todd and Crispin.. waiting for you.. being.. your friend. [ phones don’t ring ] Look.. no one is calling.. I’m upset.

Todd Bridges: I’ll still come to your house.

Christopher Walken: Todd will still come to your house.

Crispin Glover: [ starting to crack ] Hey, you.. get your damn hands off me, right now!

Todd Bridges: I’ll go to your house.

Christopher Walken: No, Todd.. don’t go.

Todd Bridges: No, I want to go.

Christopher Walken: Don’t go.. Don’t go..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

The Wave

Michael…..Jeff Goldblum
Julia…..Julia Sweeney
Braves Fan #1…..Chris Farley
Braves Fan #2…..Adam Sandler
Father…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Fulton County Stadium, Atlanta, GA ]

Michael: Oh boy, isn’t this amazing, honey?

Julia: Ah, it’s okay.. the game’s kind of slow.

Michael: Slow? This is the Play-offs! The ntire country’s watching us on TV.

Julia: I know.. it’s just..

Michael: Hey, hey! I got an idea! You’re gonna love this! Watch this! Ho!

Julia: What are doing?

Michael: Watch this! Just watch me! Alright.. everybody – Ho!

Julia: Michael..

Michael: Wait a minute.. this is gonna be great! Okay.. everybody! 1, 2, 3!

Everyone: Ho-o-o-o-o!!

[ the wave is launched ]

Michael: Did you see that, honey! Did you see what I did? Are you watching it? Are you watching it?

Julia: Oh, that’s great!

Michael: Oh, yeah, yeah. Look at that baby go! Here it comes again! Get ready, get ready! [ wave rolls past again ] Yeah! Pretty cool, guys, huh?

Braves Fan #1: Right! Go Braves!

Michael: No, no.. I’m talking about that wave, the one I started, before? That was me.

Braves Fan #2: Oh, wow.. yeah, really.. you know what? Nobody cares!

Michael: No, no.. I’m talking about that wave.

Julia: Honey, just calm down..

Michael: What? I’m just telling those guys. You know, I did start the thing, that was my idea.

Julia: I think they realize that.

Michael: Well.. okay.. [ pause ] Honey, listen, stand up and tell them I started that wave. You know, I did it for you.

Julia: I don’t think they care!

Michael: Well.. but they will if you tell them. You know, they’ll believe you. It’ll sound like I’m just tooting my own horn..

Voice in Crowd: Hey, hey, hey! Here it comes!

[ wave rolls past again ]

Michael: Yeah, see that? That was my work! That was me! They’re acting like waves just appear. Somebody has to take charge. Waves don’t just happen.

Braves Fan #1: Foul ball!

[ man next to Michael and Julia catches a foul ball, enjoying the praise from everyone around him ]

Michael: Fantastic. Congratulations. This guy catches a ball, everyone cheers. You know, I unite over 60,000 people, and nothing – to hell with me!

Julia: Just forget it..

Michael: Yeah.. you know what? You know what? The next time my wave comes by, don’t stand up! I’m stopping this wave! I gave it to them, I can take it away!

Julia: Honey, really, I.. I..

Michael: [ stands ] Hey, hey! Attention, everybody! I’m stopping this wave! Nobody stand! [ wave rolls past anyway ] That is my wave! That’s me! I did that! I did it! I did it!

Father: Would you, sir, mind keeping it down? My son and I are trying to enjoy the game. [ turns to his son ] Son, this is just like when my dad used to take me to the ball park..

Michael: Uh.. excuse me, excuse me.. No, that’s not exactly true, That’s not true, son.

Father: You talking to me?

Michael: Yeah, that’s right! This is not like when your dad took you to the ball park. Nowadays, people, like me, start waves, which makes the game more fun. Your son is having more fun now than you had with your father, because of me. I’m the reason. Can you see that?

Father: Can you get away from us?

Michael: Well, just teach the kid some gratitude. A simple, “Thanks for the great wave, mister” would suffice. Okay?

Julia: Honey, your wave stopped.

Michael: Oh.. well, good.

Julia: Good.. good.

Michael: If they think I’m gonna start another one, they can forget it! [ mulls ] I don’t believe this..

Julia: What’s wrong?

Michael: It’s just that, now would be a perfect time to start a new wave, and I’m the only one here who can sense that.

Julia: Well, if it’s really bothering you, then start one.

Michael: Oh, what, and be used again? Yeah, that’s be brilliant. No, no.. there’s gotta be something.. [ stands ] Da da da da da da!

Everyone: Charge!!

Michael: [ sits, smiling ] Ah, I’m a natural leader, what can I say?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts