Author: Don Roy King

Helmsley Spook House

Man…..Phil Hartman
Leona Helmsley…..Nora Dunn

Man: Honestly. Why can’t someone invent a spook house that doesn’t insult my intelligence?

Leona Helmsley: Someone has! Hello, I’m Leona Helmsley, welcoming you to the Helmsley Spook House, located atop the Helmsley Hotel in midtown Manhatten. From the moment you arrive, we pamper like no other spook house has ever pampered you.

Right away you’ll notice the little things, things like real skeletons – never plastic. Live rats. Real cow eyes. We could have skimped and used peeled grapes, but our customers would have known the difference – I know I would. And, walls that drip real human blood. I wouldn’t be frightened by animal blood, why should you be?

[ Leona’s staff chases after a couple, stopping only when she claps her hands ]

And then there’s our staff. Courteous, efficient, and fluent in several languages. Unlike the lazy clock-watchers you’ll find at cut-rate spook houses.

Now, granted, an evening at the Helmsley Spook is not inexpensive – but then, the best seldom is.

Announcer: The Helmsley Spook House. For reservations call 1-800-SCARE-ME. Children under 18 not admitted.

Leona Helmsley: I’ll be seeing you – in your nightmares! [ cackles ]

SNL Transcripts

“I Saw God”

Daughter…..Rosanna Arquette
Dad…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, diner, Daughter sitting with Dad at table in back ]

Daughter: I know, I know..

Dad: Your mother’s been worried sick for two weeks.

Daughter: Dad, I gotta do this. You’ll see, I’m gonna be on M-TV!

Dad: You can do anything you want. Just call your mother, okay?

Daughter: Okay.

Dad: I love you, baby.

Daughter: Me, too, Daddy.

[ Daddy exits diner ]

[ music pots up ]

Daughter: [ crawls onto table and sings ]
“I was sitting in a coffee shop
staring at the metropolis on the wall.
I hard a voice call out to me
it wasn’t the waiter’s call.

He said, “I love you, my child.”
I spoke to God.
He said, “My child, do as I say
Release your single on RCA.”
I saw God!
I saw God!”

SNL Transcripts

Make Joan Baez Laugh

Bill Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Joan Baez…..Nora Dunn
Howie Mandel…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: It’s time to play America’s most challenging show: “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! With our host, Big Bill Franklin!

Bill Franklin: Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, everybody, and welcome once again to “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! Before I bring out Joanie – Joan – Miss Baez – Ms. Baez! Whoo! I’d like to point out that tonight is sort of a milestone for us. We’re beginning our 9th season, which makes us the longest-running game show in television history! Thank you! We’ve had over 2,000 amateur and professional comedians on the show trying to make Joan Baez laugh, and so far no one’s succeeded. Let’s see what our jackpot is up to!

Announcer: Bill, it’s $2,560,000!

Bill Franklin: Yeah! Over $2.5 million! She’s incredible, sin’t she? Well, let’s bring her out now, the star of our show, Ms. Joan Baez!

[ Joan Baez walks out sad-faced with her guitar in tow ]

Joan Baez: [ singing ]
“Why Chernobyl?
Why, why, why why?
Why George Gobol?
Why, why, why why?
Why the bombs in Paris?
Why, why, why why?
Why did Jean Harris kill that guy?
Why, pourque, why?”

Bill Franklin: Oh, boy! Joan, how do you do it? Nine years without evrn cracking a smile?

Joan Baez: How can anyone laugh, Bill, when there’s so much suffering in the world? THe United States is the wealthiest nation on Earth, and yet we still have millions of children who go to bed hungry.

Bill Franklin: Mmm.. yeah, it reminds me of that joke – A bum walks up to a guy, and he says, “I haven’t eaten in three weeks.” And the guy says, “You should force yourself!” [ laughs ] Anyway. I hate that joke. I was sure that guy on last night was going to get to you, though. He did over twenty minutes of scathing material on Ronald Reagan, whoo!

Joan Baez: I don’t think there’s anything funny about Ronald Reagan. He is responsible for the escalating arms race, and for enslaving our Latino brothers and sisters.

Bill Franklin: Yeah. Exactly. [ rolls eyes ] Hey, you know, there’s something I’ve been wanting to do for years! [ tickles Joan’s arms ] Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo! Anyway.. we have six terrific young comics waiting to try their luck!

Joan Baez: Well, I’m not really in the mood, because I have a terrific headache.

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa, great, she has a headache! She hasn’t giggled in nie years, and tonight she has a headache. Talk about your impossible dream, huh? Well, Joan, take your throne! [ Joan takes her seat on the set ] Can we get a couple of aspirin and a glass of water for Joan? [ aspirin and water is brought forth ] Now, let’s meet our first lamb for the slaughter. You know him from “St. Elsewhere” and numerous HBO specials. Let’s bring him out now, he’s crazy, he’s unpredictable, he’s wacky! The one and only Howie Mandel! Come on, Howie!

[ Howie enters wearing a rubber glove-shaped bag around his body ]

Howie Mandel: What! What! Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh! What! What! Okay, what! What! What’s your name! What’s your name! What’s your name! Okay, I asked you three times, What’s your name!

Joan Baez: [ angry ] Joan!

Howie Mandel: Joan! Okay! Hey, Joan, you ever seen this! Oo-ooh! [ pulls rubber glove over his head and inflates the fingers with his nose ]

[ unable to control the urge, Joan does a spit-take and finally laughs ]

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa-oa-oa!! We have a winner!! Congratulations! Oh, I swear, I was gonna try that rubber glove thing four years ago, I didn’t think it had a chance! Aw! Here’s your check, Howie Mandel! Join us next week, when we begin our new series: “Make Joey Hetherton Eat”! Thanks a lot, everybody!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Rosanna Arquette’s Monologue

…..Rosanna Arquette

Rosanna Arquette: Wow! How about those Mets!

God, you never know how you’re gonna feel ’til you’re actually out here. And I’m pretty nervous. But I’m glad I’m doing the show, because it’s two weeks before the elections, and I wanted to, you know, do some political humor. Unfortunately, the network won’t let me mention any names, and I can’t even say which party I’m for, because of the equal-time thing. But.. someone we know.. has been really ruining this country. And I can’t say what office he holds, because.. well, I just can’t. But it’s very high up! And he’s been spending all our money on these things.. but I can’t say what they are.. but.. [ makes explosion sound effect ] Get the picture?

Anyway, we’re gonna have a great show tonight, Ric Ocasek’s here, and have a good time!

SNL Transcripts

Neck With Producer

…..Rosanna Arquette
…..Jan Hooks
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on interior, Rosanna Arquette’s dressing room, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Rosanna Arquette: Come in!

Jan Hooks: [ enters ] Hey, Rosanna!

Rosanna Arquette: Hey, Jan!

[ they hug ]

Jan Hooks: How you doing? [ notices Rosanna is dressed in satin lingerie ] Oh, gosh, wow.. where’d you gwet that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: Oh, it’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch.

Jan Hooks: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? I don’t remember that at rehearsal..

Rosanna Arquette: Well, yeah.. Lorne Michaels just added it.

Jan Hooks: [ surprised ] Lorne?! You talked to Lorne?

Rosanna Arquette: Of course. We rehearsed the scene for an hour-and-a-half.

Jan Hooks: I can’t believe it! He’s usually so aloof!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director: Three minutes to air.

Jan Hooks: Good luck! [ hugs Rosanne and exits ]

Rosanna Arquette: [ practices her lines ] “Oh, Lorne! Kiss me, you fancy dresser, it makes me dizzy.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Tommy Flanagan V/O: It’s me, Lorne Michaels!

Rosanna Arquette: Come in.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello!

Rosanna Arquette: Hi, Lorne!

Tommy Flanagan: Are you ready to rehearse?

Rosanna Arquette: Yeah, I am. But, um.. I don’t get this scene, you know? I say one line, and then we kiss for five minutes? I just don’t get the joke.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh. Well, you see.. it’s conceptual. A political statement. Yeah, that’s what it is, a plea for the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: We don’t even mention the homeless.

Tommy Flanagan: Well, we don’t want to be too preachy! Yeah, see, it’s subtext. Its a hidden message. You have to read between the lines.

Rosanna Arquette: But I only have one line!

Tommy Flanagan: Exactly! The rest are hidden! Yeah.

Rosanna Arquette: [ nervous ] I don’t know.. I can’t beleive you’re a producer! [ giggles ]

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this – “There’s no money, but it’s great exposure!”

Rosanna Arquette: [ shakes head ] You’re a producer.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! A big-time television producer! In fact, I was one of the first. Yeah, that’s what I was! Why, uh.. you know Captain Kangaroo? I recruited him! Yeah.. I never expected him to make Captain, though. No, I always thought it would be Greenjeans. Yeah, I know ’em all! Why, I knew Ernie Kovacs before he was ahead of his time! Yeah! Remember “You Are There”? I was there! Yeah! Why, I even knew Flicka when he had no friends!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director’s Voice: One minute to air, everybody!

Lorne Michaels: [ enters ] Hi. You’d better get ready for the show.

Rosanna Arquette: Who are you?

Lorne Michaels: I’m Lorne Michaels.

Rosanna Arquette: [ confused, turns to Tommy ] Well, who are you?

Tommy Flanagan: I’m.. I’m Lorne Michaels. [ pause ] Okay, I’m not Lorne Michaels, I’m lying! I’m a pathological liar, yeah, that’s the ticket, yeah. [ into his hand ] Paging Mr. Michaels, paging Mr. Lorne Michaels! [ lowers hand, looks into the hall ] Uh, what? Yeah, I’ll be there in a second! Oh, and I just paged myself, too! Yeah, that’s what I did! [ turns to Lorne as he exits the room ] So long, sonny!

Rosanna Arquette: Who was that guy?

Lorne Michaels: You’d better get ready for the show. What are you doing in that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] The “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]

Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready.. this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Newsreel

…..Ron Darling

[ SUPER: “October 25th, 1986” ]

Announcer: October 25th, 1986. The New York Mets, one strike away from elimination in the World Series, stage a miracle comeback in the 10th inning. This thrilling spectacle is quickly overshadowed by an event of historic significance – the resulting pre-emption of “Saturday Night Live”. For the first time in its 11-year history, the show is taped for later viewing.

[ newspaper headlines spin across the screen ]

[ cut to Ron Darling giving a press conference ]

Ron Darling: When we found out that “Saturday Night Live” had been pre-empted, the mood in the locker room dropped quicker than a Roger McDowell sinker ball. Sure, we tried to keep up a front, pretending to be happy after we won the Series, but all we could think about were those disappointed “Saturday Night Live” fans. Even the ticker-tape parade seemed like a hollow charade. So, on behalf of all the Mets, I would like to make a public apology. We didn’t mean to do it, it’s just that when you’re playing in the World Series, sometimes you get all wrapped up in it, and, well.. you forget about what’s really important. Believe me, I’d gladly give back my World Series ring if it’d bring the show back live, but it won’t, so I’m keeping it.

Announcer: Now, NBC is proud to present this historic show, a window on the times we lived in. Back when the Mets hadn’t won a Series since 1969. Back when the Republicans controlled the Senate. Back when Halloween was still days away. Recorded between 1:30 and 3:00 AM on that fateful morning, October 26th, 1986, this is the way it was!

SNL Transcripts

Pork Ad I

Athlete…..Kevin Nealon

[ SUPER: “The Challenge” ]

[ show Athlete pole vault ]

Athlete V/O: I spent eight years preparing for the next fifteen seconds. Tuning myself to run like a fine machine. Striving for excellence. I could have had anything for lunch. I chose pork. Because my body can handle it.

[ dissolve to image of cooked pig sitting on the table ]

[ SUPER: “Pork” ]

Announcer: Pork. Eat it while you still can.

A message from the American Pork Lobby.

SNL Transcripts

Pork Ad II

Athlete…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on people exercising their bodies relentlessly ]

You expect a lot from your body, and you’re willing to sweat to get it.

You’re the kind of person who drives yourself to the limit, but sometimes you ask yourself, “What’s it all for?”

Well, now there’s a reason to stay in shape.

[ SUPER: “Pork” ]

Pork.

[ cut to testimonial from Woman ]

Woman: It’s for you, because your heart can take it!

[ dissolve to image of cooked pig sitting on the table ]

Announcer: Pork. Think of it as a reward.

A message from the American Pork Lobby.

SNL Transcripts

Sammies

Sammy #1…..Dana Carvey
Sammy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Edward…..Phil Hartman
Karen…..Nora Dunn

[ open on interior, Sammy #2’s basement, as the two Sammies watch the World Series on TV ]

Sammy #1: Aw.. great, great, great game tonight, Sammy!

Sammy #2: Aw, it’s been a great Series, Sammy! Hey, we gonna walk away with some points on this one?

Sammy #1: Aw, now that you mention it, we won a coupla sawbucks!

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Awww, beautiful!! Haha!

Sammy #2: You know, I tell ya, I love it when Clemens is on the hill throwing..

Sammy #1: Hey, there ain’t nothin’ like it! Hey, hey, Sammy? Can I get a little of that Dim Sum Squat from you?

Sammy #2: What are you saying, you want some Dim Sum Squat?

Sammy #1: What’d I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful, beautiful!

Sammy #1: Aww… [ Sammy #2 throws his empty beer an into the trash ] Hey, you want me to get you another cold one, you want that I should get you another cold one?

Sammy #2: Hey, I gotta take a breather, Sammy.. you know, I been guzzling since the third inning. Besides.. I gotta work off some of these LB’s. Aw… aw.. who am I kiddin’? I’ll have another cold one!

Sammy #1: Aw, atta guy! Atta guy! [ gets the beer ]

Sammy #2: But I’ll tell ya, Sammy, I’m gonna start workin’ this off! I’m gonna lose it all, it’s comin’ off!

Sammy #1: What, this?

Sammy #2: What’d I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful!

Sammy #2: Hey! I’m gonna do runnin’ every day, I’m gonna swim, I’m gonna do 100 sit-ups a day, I’m gonna run.. aww, who am I kiddin’? That’s another thing I’m never gonna do, right!

Sammy #1: [ laughs ] Here ya go! [ hands Sammy #2 his beer ]

Sammy #2: I’ll tell ya, one more of these, Sammy, and I’m gonna have to cop a squirt!

Sammy #1: I know how that feels! You know what I’m gonna do next summer, Sammy?

Sammy #2: What are ya gonna do?

Sammy #1: I’m gonna get a place of my own!

Sammy #2: Hey, you could sleep on the couch.

Sammy #1: No, no, no! I’m movin’ out to the woods, I’m gonna build myself a nice cabin.

Sammy #2: Square beds?

Sammy #1: What’d I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful!

Sammy #1: A-frame! Nice! Sleeps a couple people, indoor plumbing, with a nice deck! Aww.. who am I kiddin’? There’s another thing I’m never gonna do, right!

Sammy #2: [ holds up a newspaper ] Hey, look at this, Sammy! Riverside Cafe is having Free Beer Night next Tuesday, the 28th!

Sammy #1: Aw…

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Sammy #2’s sister Karen walks downstairs with her boyfriend Edward ]

Karen: I don’t know why this is so important to you..

Edward: It’ll just take a minute, honey.

Karen: ] to Sammy #2 ] Edward insisted that he meet my brother. Edward, this is my brother Sammy.

Sammy #2: Hey, what do you say, Eddie?

Sammy #1: Hey, Eddie!

Edward: Hello! [ shakes Sammy #2’s hand ]

Karen: Okay, you met my brother.. you can go now..

Sammy #2: Wait a minute.. this is my good buddy Sammy right here!

Edward: Oh? Well, it’s a pleasure meeting you, gentlemen.. Sorry! Did you say your name is Sammy, too?

Karen: Yeah, they’re both Sammies..

Sammy #1: That’s right!

Sammy #2: What are the odds!

Sammy #1: Hey, have a seat, Eddie! What do you think about the Series? A crowd pleaser, eh?

Sammy #2: Let me grab a cold one for ya, Eddie! [ runs to the fridge ]

Karen: Sammy, it’s really getting late..

Edward: That’s alright, honey. We have a minute. [ sits ]

Sammy #2: Hey, who ever thought the Mets would turn it around, huh?

Karen: Sammy, Edward doesn’t spend his whole life in front of the TV any more, like some people I know.

Sammy #2: Aw, that’s too bad.

Edward: Well.. it’s not that. It’s just that I’m.. really very busy right now.

Karen: Yes. Edward has plans for his future.

Sammy #1: Oh, yeah? What have you got up your sleeve, Eddie?

Edward: Well.. I’m planning on opening a chain of clothing stores this winter.

Sammy #2: Aww, who are you kiddin’! That’s another thing you’re never gonna do, right? [ laughs ]

Edward: No, no.. I’ve already, uh..

Karen: Edward, we really have to be going..

Sammy #2: Hey, Eddie, get a load of the stats on Gary Carter! Not a bad season, considering a .189 batting average in the Series! Know what I mean?

Sammy #1: Here, have a cold one, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. no, no, no.. Thank you. I’ve gotta be clear-headed for tomorrow.

Sammy #2: Oh, yeah? What’s your game for tomorrow?

Edward: I beg your pardon?

Karen: He means, what are you doing tomorrow?

Edward: Oh! Well.. I was planning on flying to the West Coast to meet with some potential investors..

Sammy #1: Awww, who are you kiddin’, Eddie! That’s another thing you’re never gonna do, right! Hahaha!

Karen: [ pulls Edwarr ] It’s getting late.. you gotta get some sleep..

Edward: No, no! I’m going! I’ve already made the plane reservations, I’m gonna go!

Karen: Edward, come on, let’s go, honey..

Edward: I’ve already, you know, reserved a room at the Ramada Inn!

Karen: Honey, never mind them..

[ they exit upstairs ]

Sammy #1: Aw, too bad Eddie couldn’t stick around!

Sammy #2: Yeah, he’s good people! Look, I’m gonna have some more of that Dim Sum Squat over there..

Sammy #1: You square biz?

Sammy #2: What’d I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful! Haha! Hey, Sammy! What is today, anyway?

Sammy #2: Today’s the 25th.

Sammy #1: [ looks in paper ] Aww, I don’t believe it! 15 minutes, tape-delay game, Auburn at Mississippi State!

Sammy #2: Ohhh..

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Edwards returns downstairs ]

Edward: Hi, guys!

Sammy #2: Hey! Whattaya say, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. Karen went to sleep, I thought I might stick around and have a cold one with you guys!

Sammy #2: Well, have a seat, have a seat!

Sammy #1: Come on!

Edward: How about that game tonight – was that a killer!

Sammy #1: Yeah!

Sammy #2: Yeah! Have a cold one!

Edward: Oh, thanks a lot! You know, I.. I really like your sister. I think I might marry her someday. [ pause ] Awww, who am I kiddin’!

Edward & The Sammies: That’s ANOTHER thing you’re never gonna do!![ they all lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown

Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Well, thank you, thank you. I am newsman, hear me roar.

Tonight’s top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People’s Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes “Goofy in Beirut” and also a new Disney character, “Hassenfutz in Nicaragua”.

[ points to “tit-for-tat” headline ] And isn’t that an odd colloquialism to turn up in the London-Times, huh? By the way, exactly what is tat, where do I get it, and how do I turn it in for the other thing?

Dennis Miller: Well, I’ve obviously found the level of the room, and I think it’s.. [ touches chest ] ..right here. I like to do that every six newscasts, just to be safe. [ laughs ] It’s an old Sophia Loren commercial!

You know, the Vatican this week announced that it has a $56 million deficit, and appealed to church members for contributions. God’s accountant, C.F. Hutton, blamed Pope John Paul II for spending too much bread on threads.

The Defense Department has finally settled on a method for basing the MX missile somewhere they can put it where nobody will ever be able to find it. They’ve now asked former “CHiPs” star Erik Estrada to carry one around with him.

Dennis Miller: And now, here to give us The Big Picture, our own A. Whitney Brown. Whitney!

A. Whitney Brown: Good evening, my friends. The vast panarama of human affairs that is The Big Picture is currently being marred by the crude swipe of the censor’s brush. Yes, I’m afraid that an unfettered forum for free opinion is getting as hard to find as a Fundamentalist in a library.

Playboy and Penthouse are being pulled from the shelves, thanks to an unholy alliance between Bible-thumping reactionaries and militant lesbians. Talk about strange bedfellows. They say these magazines shouldn’t be sold because they’re degrading to women. Well, if they’re sincere, they should also ban the sales of ultra-marine turquoise eyeshadow. What could be more degrading than to walk the streets looking like a tropical fish with a hangover?

On the other hand, the Meese Corporation claims some kind of a link between pornography and violent sex crimes. Now this may be a giant leap of logic, but if some lonely sex-crazed pervert on the prowl wants to get a copy of Playboy at four in the morning, I say we let them. As Attorney General, the main thing Ed Meese has done is make people re-assess the brilliant legal mind that was.. John Mitchell.

Now, I don’t want to sit here and say I’m against morality. But I will if no one else will. The point is, I like dirty pictures! Am I alone on this? [ audience cheers ] Well, then, what about our rights?

Television, of course, is a different matter. Its censorship policy is based on a simple formula – craven pandering to the most vocal minority. The networks have a duty to appear socially responsible. Of course, they can’t be socially responsible, or else they’d have the demographics of C-Span. So they flood the airwaves with anti-crack commercials. A courageous move I think, taking on the formidable pro-crack lobby. While blatantly glorifying the concept of instant gratification at every turn. That’s what they do.

Network censorship all seems a little silly to me when you consider the availablity of cable TV. Our host tonight cannot say “suck” in the wrong context. But without rising from your bed, you could click the channel to HBO and see her completely naked in “Executioner’s Song”. no, wait, wait, I’m kidding! Acrtually, they’re re-running “C.H.U.D.” for the 47th time. But you get my point.

There are many elements that comprise the mighty mural of life we know as The Big Picture, and some of them are offensive. Nevertheless, the scribbled etchings of the perverse mind are infinitely preferable preferable to the slapped-on whitewash of the censor’s brush, and that, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: A. Whitney Brown, folks. You know, “C.H.U.D.” blew me away!

And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Pinella.

And remember, tonight’s the night to turn your clocks inside-out. No, uh.. actually, you turn your clocks back an hour tonight, so this show started at.. what.. 12:40, and ends at 1:20? Pacing, kids, it’s all pacing!

Dennis Miller: That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts