Author: Don Roy King

Jerry Lewis’ French Translator

Mary…..Mary Gross
…..Jerry Lewis
Jean-Pierre…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ Jerry Lewis follows Mary into a room in the French movie studio ]

Mary: And theese.. theese is the place where every Jerry Louis movie is dubbed into the French language.

Jerry Lewis: No kidding! Right here, huh?

Mary: Oui! Theese is the room, help you become – how you Americans say – a superstar in France.

Jerry Lewis: Really! I like this room!

Mary: Ees very nice.

Jerry Lewis: It is.

[ Jean-Pierre, the French Translator, enters ]

Mary: [ excited ] He’s here!

Jerry Lewis: Who’s here?

Mary: Jean-Pierre, the man who is the voice of Jerry Louis to millions of Frenchmen! Oh, I am so excited!

Jerry Lewis: [ stunned ] Oh.. him? He does all of my movies?

Mary: Yes! Every single one of them! He has devoted his life to being the voice of Jerry Louis!

Jerry Lewis: Well! I would like to meet him!

Mary: I’m sure he will be very excited! [ runs to him ] Jean-Pierre! [ brings him forward, acknowledging Jerry ] Jerry Louis!

[ Jean-Pierre faints ]

Jerry Lewis: No, no, no.. it’s okay.. [ picks Jean-Pierre up ] It’s me, yes..

Jean-Pierre: [ excited beyond his wildest dreams, starts kissing Jerry all over, praising him in French ] Jerry!

Jerry Lewis: What is he saying, Mary?

Mary: He says he loves you, you are a genius.

Jerry Lewis: Well, that’s very nice, I appreciate all that.. Would you ask him if he’d mind it if I watched him work?

Mary: [ in French, passes on Jerry’s request ]

Jean-Pierre: [ excited, kisses Jerry again ]

Mary: It would be an honor!

Jerry Lewis: Wonderful..

Mary: He’s doing a scene from “The King of Comedy”.

Jerry Lewis: [ apprehensive ] Oh.. well, now.. “The King of Comedy”, that’s a very, very complex role.. I mean, it’s very tense. It was a tremendous challenge for me, having to play it perfectly straight, of course. And, uh, this film takes a lot of risks – as a matter of fact, putting it into a foreign language is a risk. I’ll be interested.. [ Jean-Pierre has been kissing him admiringly ] Uh.. are you gonna be here again tomorrow? I’ll be interested to see how he does. Are they ready?

Mary: They certainly are! They’re ready to start!

Jerry Lewis: Good!

[ Jean-Pierre sets up his microphone in the center of the room, as the reel counts down on-screen ]

Mary: Theese is the scene that Jean-Pierre will be dubbing!

[ close-up of screen plays clip from “The King of Comedy” where Jerry’s character likens Robert deNiro’s deranged comedian character to Hitler ]

Jerry Lewis: [ watching ] That’s.. that’s a tough scene..

Jean-Pierre: [ addresses Jerry before starting ]

Mary: Ohh.. this is the happiest day of his life!

Jerry Lewis: Good..

[ Jean-Pierre cues a replay of Jerry in the movie saying, “Yes, it is! I have a life, okay?” ]

Jean-Pierre: [ starts screaming impishly, confusing the serious drama with Jerry’s typical nutty comedies like “The Nutty Professor” and “The Patsy” ]

Jerry Lewis: [ waving his hands ] Wait.. wait.. hold it.. wait a minute.. cut it.. cut it..

Mary: It is incredible how he sounds exactly like you, eh?

Jerry Lewis: He sounds exactly like me?

Mary: Eet ees uncanny, no?

Jerry Lewis: NO! Listen, Jean-Pierre.. this is a tragedy! Do you understand? [ Jean-Pierre kisses Jerry’s hands ] Will you stop with the kissing, and listen to me?

Mary: He does not speak English!

Jerry Lewis: Oh.. he doesn’t speak.. he doesn’t speak English! Then, how does he.. I mean.. look! Will you tell him this is tragic and dramatic!

Mary: [ translating to Jean-Pierre ]

Jean-Pierre: [ surprised ] Oh! Oui! Tragedie! [ laughs ]

[ next scene replays, Jerry’s character yelling, “I told you I’d call to get rid of you!” ]

Jean-Pierre: [ translates wildly – “Allo? Allo? Au revoir!” ]

Jerry Lewis: No, this is insane!

[ movie clip plays Jerry’s character shouting, “That’s right!” ]

Jerry Lewis: No.. [ yells at the control booth ] Hold it! Cut it! Hold it and cut it, or cut it and hold it! Mary? Mary, this is a very, very serious film. It’s an important statement. A comment about American society! And he’s reading it like an idiot!

Mary: [ panicking, she informs Jean-Pierre in French that he’s translating the movie improperly ]

Jean-Pierre: [ ashamed of himself, pulls up his scarf and tries to choke himself to death ]

Jerry Lewis: [ worried by Jean-Pierre’s sudden action ] What is he saying, Mary? What is he saying?!

Mary: He’s ashamed, he wants to die!

Jerry Lewis: [ grabbing Jean-Pierre ] No, no, no, no, no!! Tell him to.. tell him to let go of the scarf!

Mary: Let go of the scarf!

[ Jean-Pierre won’t budge ]

Jerry Lewis: [ giving in ] Tell him I was joking.. tell him he did it perfect!

Mary: [ translating ] Perfecte!

Jean-Pierre: [ releases his grip on his scarf, turns to Jerry, smiles, then kisses him some more ]

Mary: He says, “I love this man! I love this man!”

[ next scene plays, DeNiro’s character shouts, “Alright, I made a mistake!” followed by Jerry’s character yelling, “So did Hitler!” ]

[ near-mimicking Jerry’s flop “Which Way To The Front?”, Jean-Pierre jumps around yelling “Hitler!” as Jerry and Mary exit the studio ]

[ screen shrinks, then reappears with the front page of Variety, big, bold headlines reading “King Of Comedy – Zany Box Office Smash In France” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:
December 3rd, 1983

Tom & Dick Smothers

Big Country

Tom Seaver

Ron Luciano

Larry Holmes

Big Country, “In A Big Country”.

Studio Rain Delay

Umpire Rom Luciano waits for the rain to clear so the show can go on.

Tom & Dick Smothers’ Monologue

Tom interrupts their song to take a picture of Dick.

Crisis Game ’83

John Glenn (Tom Smothers) & Jesse Jackson (Eddie Murphy) compete in fake crises.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Jesse Jackson.

Know Your Neighbor

Talk show host (Jim Belushi) scoffs Jewish Hanukkah celebration.

Tom Carvel

Carvel francisee (Tim Kazurinsky) specializes in adult cakes.

Mentl

Barbra Streisand (Joe Piscopo) takes on all the roles in latest movie.

Recurring Characters: Barbra Streisand.

Tom & Dick Smothers perform “Fantasy For Auto Horn & Electronic Pulse

in D Minor”

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Gary Kroeger shows off his 21-year-old Cabbage Patch Kid (Jim Belushi).

Dr. Jack Badofsky list types of influenza.

Joe Piscopo interviews boxing champ Larry Holmes.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Dream Land

Sexual fantasy remains undetermined.

“The Boy Who Cried Wolf”

Tom & Dick Smothers tell the classic tale.

Garage Band Audition

Audition can only go so far on minimal talent.

Autographs

Man (Tom Smothers) tries to get Dick Smothers’ autograph.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 18

82r: Susan St. James / Michael McDonald

Magic Fish Negotiations

Mommy…..Susan St. James
Numpkin…..Eddie Murphy
Fish…..Mary Gross
Mike Rudell…..Tim Kazurinsky
Burt…..Brad Hall

[Mommy holds a baby. Lullaby music plays in the background.]

Mommy: Okay, Charlie! Mommy’s gonna read you a little fairy tale! [opens book] Let’s see, where’s a really good one… Here’s one.Once upon a time, there lived a poor peasant named Numpkin, and one day poor Numpkin’s wife sent him down to the sea to catch a fish for their dinner, because they were so very, very hungry…

[Wipe to Numpkin with a fishing pole approaching a dock by the sea.]

Numpkin: Oh, I hope I catch a fish, otherwise my wife Bubbles will hit me with a spoon!

[Numpkin casts his line from the dock.]

Numpkin: Ooo, a nibble!

[Numpkin catches a fish.]

Numpkin: What an enormous fish! Such a fish could feed an entire village! Or give Bubbles a little snack…

[Fish spits water at Numpkin.]

Numpkin: You’re a nasty fish, ain’t ya!

Fish: Please good sir, do not eat me, I am a magical fish!

Numpkin: Zeus, it speaks!

Fish: Spare me, and I will give you three wishes!

Numpkin: Three wishes…

[Numpkin sits on the dock next to the fish.]

Fish: Yes, anything you desire in all the world can be yours! Interested?

Numpkin: Goodness, yes! I want a gold coach with a racing stripe with leopard interior and six black horses with… wait a minute, there’s a catch here, right? The same thing happened to my friend Potemkin, and I remember he was a woodcutter and he met this magical bush and the bush said he could have all these wishes and he wished for this giant goat, and the goat was a hundred feet high and it ate all his crops, then it dropped a big one on his wife! What you’re trying to do is teach me some lesson about greed, isn’t it?

Fish: No, no, oh please!

Numpkin: Alright fish, but you wait here for a second alright.

[Numpkin runs off.]

Fish: Strange peasant he that hesitates to accept my bounty. Perhaps I’ve overwhelmed the poor gentle soul with my generosity.

[Numpkin returns with Mike Rodell.]

Numpkin: Hey fish, this is my attorney Mike Rodell. He’s gonna be negotiating these wishes for me.

Fish: Say what?

Numpkin: You heard what I said. I ain’t no fool, I’m gonna cover my behind legally on this thing right here. Alright.

Mike Rudell: Alright then, let’s handle some of these contractual parameters here, OK. Regarding these proferred wishes: can my client opt to utilize one or more of these wishes to wish for more wishes?

Fish: Uh, no, not really…

Mike Rudell: Well, let’s get that in writing then, eh?

Numpkin: I want a cow!

Mike Rudell: Let me handle this, Numpkin. Suppose my client does wish for a cow. Could you legally, then, give him a cow that gives sour milk, or does the term “cow” prima facie denote a healthy bovine in all…

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And they negotiated and they negotiated for weeks and weeks, until they had the most mutually acceptable contract in all the land. Finally, the great day came when Numpkin the peasant, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, and the magical fish, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part, and Numpkin’s attorneys, Michael Rudell of the firm Flang, Rudell, and LeBuff, gathered together to sign their fine document.

[Wipe to the dock.]

Mike Rudell: Okay, I think we’ve got it here… let’s just look at the main clauses one more time, okay… pursuant to the three wishes, blah blah blah blah blah, okay, wish number one…

Numpkin: Look man, I just want my damn cow, alright!

Mike Rudell: Just sit tight, Numpkin, huh. The party of the second part agrees to supply the party of the first part with one Guernsey heifer guaranteed to be the largest in all the land, but not so large as to be physically unwieldy.

Numpkin: And I want the sucker to give more milk than any other cow in the land.

Fish: Absolutely!

Burt: Now, now, now, just a minute Numpkin! Now with that wording, Mike, correct me if I’m wrong, the cow could theoretically produce so much milk so as to float the entire village away and flood his hut.

Mike Rudell: Good point, Burt. We want a clause limiting the milk to a reasonable quantity.

Burt: Good move.

Fish: Fine! Damn!

Mike Rudell: To continue: wish number two. The party of the first part wishes to meet the king’s daughter. The above mentioned daughter at this time will be dressed in a leather corset revealing not less than 90% of the total area of her virginal pink flesh.

Numpkin: Don’t forget the boots and the chain drawers!

Mike Rudell: Yeah, you got it right away. Furthermore, the wife of the party of the first part, hereafter referred to as “Bubbles”, will not as a consequence of this wish hit the party of the first part with a spoon or any other kitchen implement.

Numpkin: Yeah, that bitch is crazy!

Fish: Agreed!

Mike Rudell: Well then, let’s just sign this, shall we?

Fish: Wait a minute, what’s the third wish?

Numpkin: Oh, the third wish is that you pay my lawyer, cause this dude is milking me dry.

Mike Rudell: Uh, that is correct. My fee is four wishes.

Fish: Four wishes! But I only gave him three, and he hauled me out of the sea!

Mike Rudell: You’ll pay me four, sister, or I’ll haul you to an appellate court, put the cow in escrow, and sell you to Mrs. Paul, alright?

Burt: Great move, Mike!

Mike Rudell: Thank you Numpkin…

Fish: I accept! I accept!

[Wipe to Mommy.]

Mommy: And the moral of the story is, it doesn’t pay to be greedy without competent legal … uh… representation. THE END, Charlie.

Submitted by: Jay Stuler

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 7th, 1983

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder

Michael Davis

Greg Dean

Andy Murphy
VD

Montage

Stevie Wonder performs “Fingertips”

Kannon AE-1Transcript.

Stevie Wonder ImpersonatorTranscript.

Hitler: The Secret DiariesRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Eva Braun.

Stevie Wonder performs “Overjoyed”

The Story of Stevie WonderRecurring Characters: Stevie Wonder.

Dion’sRecurring Characters: Dion, Blaire.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Michael Davis

Cotton Land

The Hunchback Busboy

Stevie Wonder performs “Go Home”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19

82s: Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder Impersonator

Richie…..Eddie Murphy
Byrne…..Joe Piscopo
Alan…..Stevie Wonder

[FADE IN on Eddie Murphy as a show-biz agent sitting at a desk and talking on the telephone.]

Richie: Look, I’m talking about more this year, I’m talking about pride, all right? I’m talking about the Miss Black Teenage America Contest. [pauses] Well, it’s gonna be a quality show, man, Don Cornelius is hosting! [pauses] Listen to who we got to be the judges: Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt, Willie Tyler and Lester… [pauses] You know, the dude with the puppet! [pauses] Look, all this show needs now is the incredible musical talents of Wilson Pickett, and- [pauses] What you mean, Wilson Pickett is busy? This is a quality job! [pauses] Well, at least tell the wicked Pickett to think about it, all right? [pauses] Do that for me, okay?

[knocking at the door]

Richie: All right. Someone’s at my door, I gotta call you back. [puts down phone] Uh, come in!

[Joe Piscopo enters, dressed in a suit and wearing a nerdy pair of dark-rimmed glasses. He talks in a nasal voice.]

Byrne: Richie, how are ya?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: The wife?

Richie: Good.

Byrne: Oh, good, good! Good to see ya. Hey, hey, guy robs a bank, right? Wants to go into hiding. He signs with the William Morris Agency–he’s never heard from again! It’s true! It’s true!

Richie: Who’d you get for me, Byrne?

Byrne: Who did I get for you? Did I get you Willie Tyler?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: Did I get you Lester?

Richie: Yeah.

Byrne: I got you a singer.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: Think biggest black singer alive.

Richie: You got Michael Jackson, man?

Byrne: No, no, no.

Richie: Marvin Gaye?

Byrne: Think blind.

Richie: You got Ray Charles?!

Byrne: Think braids.

Richie: STEVIE WONDER!!

Byrne: No, no, no!

Richie: You got me Stevie Wonder? Man, you really outdid yourself this time!

Byrne: No, no, no, I got you someone even better!

Richie: Better than Stevie Wonder?

Byrne: Mm-hm.

Richie: Who?

Byrne: [grinning] Alan, the Stevie Wonder Experience! It’s wonderful! The kid tours the country in a show called “Stevemania”! It’s a big hit with the college kids!

Richie: I don’t want a Steve Wonder imitation.

Byrne: No, no, no, he’s better than Stevie! I wanna introduce him to you. [calls through door] Alan!

Alan’s Voice: [offscreen] Yeah?

Byrne: Alan, come here. I want you meet Richie over here.

[Stevie Wonder walks in as Alan, with a portable keyboard in his hands. Byrne leads him over to Richie, and Richie and Alan shake hands.]

Byrne: Here we go, how you doin’, this is Alan right here. Alan, meet Ritchie, right here, your next employer.

Richie: [dubiously] How you doin’, man.

Alan: [with a huge grin and a nasal voice] Hello, I’d just like to say, it’s gonna be a great pleasure appearing on a Miss Black Teenage America program.

Richie: This guy is a dork. He ain’t nothin’ like Stevie Wonder!

Byrne: No, no, no! That’s because he’s here! But on stage, with the music, the lights, the whole kit and kaboodle, he becomes Stevie Wonder! It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Alan: [to Joe] Listen, I get the feeling that he doesn’t want me on his show. [grins widely]

Byrne: No, no, no. Alan, Alan, please, please, Alan, it’s a definite do-able! Make, make your magic, sing for the man! Sing for the man a little bit.

[Stevie Wonder plays a brief chord on the keyboard and grins.]

Alan: Here’s one of my favorites. People say I sound just like Stevie, with one exception: you can understand every single word!

[Stevie starts playing the chords to “Superstitious,” then sings in a harsh, nasal voice. Joe bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Alan: “Very supersitious, writing’s on the wall… VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!!! Letters start to fall…”

Richie: Alan! It sucks, man.

Byrne: [sheepish] It’s true, Alan, it does suck. Uh, do the good one.

[Stevie looks hurt and struggles to maintain his composure.]

Alan: Okay. Here’s another one. [clears through loudly]

[In exactly the same manner, he starts bellowing out “Living for the City.” He sings the first entire verse out of rhythm while Joe again bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]

Richie: That’s the worst Stevie Wonder impression I’ve ever seen in my life.

Alan: [grinning] What’s the matter with it?

[The crowd roars with laughter as Stevie grins at Eddie, who breaks down and laughs helplessly for several seconds along with the audience.]

Alan: I can funk! I can funk! I can funk…

Richie: Yeah, yeah, but this, what’s you’re doing is ridiculous. It’s nothing like, I know Stevie Wonder, man, and he’s like, you have to mellow out, you see, you’re too tense. Loosen up. You have to see me do a Stevie Wonder impression…

[Eddie Murphy takes a pair of sunglasses out of his breast pocket. Crowd roars as Eddie puts them on.]

Richie: You gotta smile a lot, like this, you see, you gotta smile. [grins]

Alan: [grins with his mouth wide open] You mean like this?

Richie: No.

Alan: Like this?

Richie: Yeah, but you ain’t really got it yet. Then you gotta move your neck around. Stevie moves his neck around. Move your neck like somebody’s chokin’ ya, like this. Like that, see.

[Stevie puts his hands gently around Eddie’s neck as Eddie moves it back and forth a la Stevie.]

Alan: [grinning] If you don’t like my show, I’m gonna choke you.

[Stevie moves his head back and forth stiffly.]

Alan: Is this how he does it, like this?

Richie: Kinda.

Alan: Like that?

Richie: You gotta loosen up, you gotta move you hands, like this. See? Listen to me. Watch this.

Alan: Okay.

Richie: [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, lovely as a summer day…”

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: No, no, no, better, with more feeling.

Alan: Oh.

[Stevie grunts as he tries too hard to sing like Stevie]

Alan: [nasal-voiced] “My Cherie Amour…”

Richie: You don’t even know the words!

Alan: “Lovely as a summer day!”

Richie: No, listen to me, listen, listen. [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] “My Cherie Amour, distant as the Milky Way…”

[The crowd roars, and then Stevie starts singing the song for real. He claps and sings the rest of the first verse beautifully, and the crowd claps along and roars even louder. Everyone smiles, and Joe pats Stevie on the shoulder. Finally, Eddie takes off his glasses and shakes his head.]

Richie: It still sucks, man.

Byrne: No, no, no! Richie, that was Stevie Wonder! I was standing here! He became Stevie Wonder! Look, I’m not married to this guy! I’ve got another fellow, you would swear he is Smokey Robinson!

Richie: I’m not interested.

Byrne: It’s true! It’s true!

Stevie: I do a great Anita Bryant!

Byrne: No, no, no, no, no. John Davidson, big with the black audience!

Alan: [jumping up and down like a girl] Oh, I can do, I can do John Davidson!

[Zoom out to show entire studio.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 19

82s: Stevie Wonder

Kannon AE-1

…..Stevie Wonder
John Newcombe…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1. So advanced, so simple, even Stevie Wonder can use it. [ shows Stevie feeling around before picking up camera ] Watch as Stevie photographs top tennis star John Newcombe.

[ Stevie takes some pictures – one of John’s right shoulder, of John slanted, one with John completely out of the picture, and one of the right side of John’s head. John goes up to Stevie, and Stevie takes two more pictures: an out-of-focus shot of John’s head, and one of John’s arm. ]

Stevie Wonder: [ hands camera to John ] Here, John, you try!

[ John takes four pictures of Stevie on the court, each one with Stevietrying unsuccessfully to hit the ball with a tennis racket ]

[ last scene shows John and Stevie taking pictures together ]

Announcer: The Kannon AE-1.

Stevie Wonder: [ putting his hand on the lens of John’s camera ] So simple, anyone can use it!

[ Stevie laughs, as scene fades out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 14th, 1983

Ed Koch

Kevin Rowland & Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Harry Anderson

Don King

Leslie Anderson

Marv Albert
Montage

Ed Koch’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 83s.

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve seen in New York?

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodRecurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

On The LedgeRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “Come On, Eileen”

The EnquirerRecurring Characters: Alfalfa.

Note: Repeat from: 04/09/83.

Bald No More

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker, Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

The WhinersRecurring Characters: Wendy Whiner, Doug Whiner.

Harry AndersonRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Late Night with David LettermanRecurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Gumby.

Dexy’s Midnight Runners performs “The Celtic Soul Brothers”

Women’s Auxillary Meeting

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, EddieMurphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it’s -it’s good to be back in New York, uh … And it’s– itwas fun working with these kids this week, I had a great time. … I really can’t believe how hard they work here on this show and it’s like – it was, like, watching the process, seeing them pull together was a lot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot of things have been happening in my life right now. I just recorded a comedy album, I have a movie out called 48 Hours and things have–

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is very spooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] LongIsland! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. … And it’s a Jewish ghost in my house which is very nerve-wracking. You’re walkin’ through the house and you hear: [old Jewish man’s voice] “Boo! … Get off my lawn, you schwartze! … [cheers and applause]Boo-ooo! I’m under the bed now! …. Or maybe I’m not. Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? … I could be under the bed.”

[normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I was wondering about movies? I was watching those movies –I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies like Poltergeist and Amityville Horror. Why don’t the people just get the hell out of the house?… You can’t make a horror movie with black people init ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see niggers runnin’ down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s the movie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’t sit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this:[brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’, it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this is beaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’svoice] “Too bad we can’t stay.” [instantly spins, starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause, Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes hisnose]

My nose is runnin’ and I don’t want to look– people thinking’ I’m nasty. I have a cold. … I was playin’ ball today. You ever play basketball when you have a cold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya?[whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eye by a cold blob of snot] … Ah, that was in bad taste,I shouldn’t’ve did it. But it was funny, so what? …

Here’s some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglasses out of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonderimpression, head rocking slowly from side to side] …[cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his hands and croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glasses and laughs] The brothers don’t like when you do Stevie. … Brother be sayin’: [angry brother voice]”HEY, MAN, THAT’S NOT FUNNY! … STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN![wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] … DO’EM AGAIN, YOU GON’ GET HURT!” [But Eddie puts the glasses back on and plays Stevie again] …[applause]

[normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression! That’s why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. He liked it. Don’t think like Stevie’s sittin’ home in his living room goin’: [sad voice] “Wow, I’m blind. That’s messed up, man.” … [normal voice] He’s not. Stevie’s a very happy person. You see him smilin’ all the time. I say, “Stevie, why you so happy?” He say,”‘Cuz I’m rich, that’s why.” … Stevie’s very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me, he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] “Eddie, if you – ever imitate me again – I’ll kick your behind.” …[removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless to say, I wasn’t afraid. … I’d kill Stevie Wonder in a fight. … [suddenly starts shadowboxing with an imaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off![with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch]BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxing stance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose as if hehad just taken a punch in the face ] “Aw, you shouldn’t ‘a’ did that!” … [Eddie as Stevie bobs and weaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers and applause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes off the glasses, normal voice] You’re a lot of fun! Watch the show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in the huge cheers and applause as we fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Rubik’s Grenade

Narrator: First there was Rubik’s Cube – baffling.

Then there was Rubik’s Snake – ingenious.

Next there was Rubik’s Revenge – mind bending.

Now comes the ultimate challenge – Rubik’s Grenade. The thrill of a lifetime in the palm of you hand. Just scramble the colors, pull the pin, and then begin. You’ve got exactly ten seconds to put those colors back in order.

[Shows a pair of hands desperately trying to solve the puzzle]

Rubik’s Grenade. Maybe the last puzzle you’ll never solve.

[A huge explosion is heard as smoke fills the screen]

Just in time for Christmas.

Submitted by: Larry Petit

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 22nd, 1983

Lily Tomlin

None

Andy Kaufman

Clint Smith
Big Star Eddie Murphy

Montage

Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

Public Survival Announcement

Ma Bell Saleswoman

Speaking as a WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Dustin Hoffman, Joan Rivers.

A Public Service Announcement

Edith Ann’s Storytime

Solomon’s New CoatRecurring Characters: Pudge, Solomon.

Bag Lady Trudy in the Audience

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Pervis Hawkins Sings

FantasyRecurring Characters: Leslie Uggams.

The Irish Radio HourRecurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.

Coffees of the World

Jogger MotelNote: Repeat from 10/31/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts