Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

The Olympia Cafe

Written by: Don Novello

Sandy … Laraine Newman
George … Dan Aykroyd
Nico … Bill Murray
Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi
Female Customer … Gilda Radner
Male Customer … Garrett Morris
Fussy Eater … Jane Curtin
Al … Buck Henry
Extra … Tom Schiller

[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook,flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound ofplates clattering. Pull back to reveal The OlympiaRestaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy,the waitress, leans over the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip!Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis,approaches one of his regular customers who sits atthe counter.]

Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?

Female Customer: I think I’ll have the usual, Pete.

Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!

Nico: Chip!

Pete: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading anewspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]

Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill onthis coffee?

Pete: No.

Male Customer: Hey, man, I can’t have a refill ofcoffee, man?

Pete: Too late!

Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh,you should have asked for the refill while you werestill eating the cheeseburger. They don’t give refillswhen you’re done eating.

Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I’ll pay forthe second cup of coffee.

Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on,let’s go!

Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I justwanna read the article–

Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! Youwanna read? Get out of here!

Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!

Pete: Beat it! Come on!

[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up thesale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress,approaches the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! TwoPepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay,what are you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Um, I’ll have a fried egg sandwich.

Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?

Pete: Good.

Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are theycooked?

Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?

Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in thebasement is loose again.

Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!

[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet offthe wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scenewith Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barelyunderstands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to anextra seated at the counter.]

Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just haveburgers here? [Nico doesn’t understand what she’ssaying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you thinkI could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding andsmiling] I could? Aw, good. ‘Cause I just read anarticle that said that meat cooked on a grill causescancer. Did you read that?

Nico: Cheeseburger?

Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It’s cookingthe meat too close to the flame that causes it.

Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nicoaway] Ah, come on, come on, let’s go, get out of here.[to fussy eater] What you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Uh, I’ll have a broiled hamburger.

Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?

Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, wegive you broiled. All right?

Fussy Eater: Okay, I’ll have a broiled hamburger, well done.

Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters thediner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]

Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I’m Al fromRent-a-Doberman.

Pete: What?

Al: [distinctly] I’m from Lease-a-Doberman.

Pete: Ah! Eh?

Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, saidthey wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.

Pete: How much?

Al: Well, it’s like I tried to tell ya on the phone,it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hoursper night you want him for. [looks around] I shouldthink a place like this, uh, would need only one dog.What time do you, uh – What time do you close?

Pete: Eleven o’clock.

Al: What time do you open?

Pete: Five.

Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pickhim up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobodycan come in here between those hours without gettinghis arm bit off.

Pete: All right. How much?

Al: Just a minute, I’ll figure it out. [takes pencilfrom behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]

Pete: All right.

Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn’t,uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico whohears his name mentioned and wonders what’s going on]

Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait aminute. Nobody’s gonna be able to sleep around nohungry Dobie. [laughs] We don’t feed ’em much, keeps’em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]

Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to thefemale customer] Somebody broke in next door. I needprotection, you know?

Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?

Pete: Who’s afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.

Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you’regoing to fire Nico?

Pete: No. [decisively] Now!

Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who’s going to tell him he’s fired?

Pete: You. You tell him.

Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]

Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don’t youtell him he’s fired?

George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turnsback to the grill]

Pete: All right, all right. I’ll tell him. [to aconfused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apronoff Nico and pushes him to the front door of thediner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nicoout] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who hasignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes noteson his pad. In the background, Nico’s forlorn faceappears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]

Pete: Hm?

Al: Huh?

Pete: How much?

Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you.We’d be making a special pick-up at that time of themorning. I–

Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him tocome back in] Come on.

[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives himback his apron.]

Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.

Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico andpushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!

[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly andresumes his place outside the diner window, peering inforlornly, as Pete listens to Al’s proposal.]

Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old GermanShepherds I’m having some problems with. I’ll put themboth in here. I’ll only charge you forty-five dollars.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: [irritated] There’s no way I can put two dogs inhere for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that muchjust to feed ’em.

Pete: Uhhhh… Twenty-two.

Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I’m sorry.Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If youchange your mind, here’s my card. [hands Pete abusiness card and exits the diner]

Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nicoenters hesitantly, unsure of Pete’s intentions] Comeon. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return totheir places behind the counter] All right. [to femalecustomer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussyeater] Huh? You got it?

[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]

Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. Thischeeseburger wasn’t broiled. I just saw him take itoff the grill.

Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject]What to drink?

Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiledhamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.

Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on,come on, come on.

Fussy Eater: I’m afraid if I order a Coke, I’ll get a Pepsi.

Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.

Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn’t payingattention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabsa menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico withit] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!

Nico: [wearily] Pepsi…

Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[Applause. Zoom in on the grill as George throws downa series of burger patties.]

[pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Double Entendre New Testament”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Stunt Puppy

Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Schiller
Cheryl…..Gilda Radner
Gwen…..Jane Curtin
Howard…..Buck Henry
Roy…..Garrett Morris

[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]

Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?

Cheryl: Okay!

Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?

Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?

Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?

Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?

Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!

Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!

Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?

Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]

Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?

Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]

Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…

Howard: Yes, yes!

Director: You hate your wife…

Howard: Uh-huh!

Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: And you hate her.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: Because she’s spoiled.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.

Howard: Gotcha, right!

Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?

Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.

Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…

Roy: Ah!

Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?

Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?

Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!

[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]

Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!

Cheryl: Ohhh, please?

Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!

Cheryl: NO!!

Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.

[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]

Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!

Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!

Cheryl: I don’t wanna!

Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!

Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!

Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!

Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!

Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!

Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]

Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]

Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]

Director: CUUUUUTTT!!

[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]

Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!

[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]

Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.

Howard: Good!

Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.

Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!

Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?

Roy: Oh, sure!

[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]

Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?

Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!

[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]

Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

[ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]

Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!

Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]

Director: Cuuuutt! Cuuuut! Beautiful, Howard! Beautiful!

Howard: Thanks, everybody! Thank you!

Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?

[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]

Roy: He’s alright!

Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.

Howard: Brian! Terrific!

[ they shake hands, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Samurai TV Repairman

Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, TV Repair shop ]

Mr. Dantley: [ enters shop ] Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please? I need some help.

Announcer: And now, another episode of..

[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]

Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.

Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad I found a shop that was open this late.

Samurai: [ grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: Yes, I know. I’ve gotta have this set fixed. Tonight. So I can watch the Play-Offs tomorrow.

Samurai: [ mimes basketball action ]

Mr. Dantley: That’s right. I’ve got $100 riding on the Bullets. The way I see it, if Unsel can control the boards, and Hays is hitting from the outside.. You see what I mean.

Mr. Dantley: Anyway, look at this thing. I’ve got no sound, and I’ve got no picture.

Samurai: [ plays with tubes ]

Mr. Dantley: Well, what is it?

Samurai: [ opens up TV from the back and points ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah.. just, what, does it need a tube? [ Samurai grunts ] I-I mean, a transistor. I just don’t understand it, it’s.. it’s a relatively new set. See, here’s the Inspector’s tag. Uh.. it doesn’t do me much good to know that the Inspector’s number is, uh.. 68.. because the factory’s all the way in Japan.

Samurai: [ panic grows on face ]

Mr. Dantley: 68? I’d like to get my hands on #68.

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: What?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: Inspector 68 is your mother?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: I don’t know what’s the matter with-

Samurai: [ takes out small dagger and prepares to stab himself in the chest ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, well, wait a minute.. wait a minute.. [ turns tag upside-down ] It’s 89. my mistake.

Samurai: [ relieved, puts dagger away ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway.. the point is, I’ve really gotta have it fixed by tomorrow, because.. I’ve got everything ready for tomorrow. You know what I mean? I ordered a pizza.. I have some beer in the refrigerator.. my girl is coming over, so..

Samurai: [ slides dagger in and out of holder strpaped around his waist ]

Mr. Dantley: Exactly my point! Anyway.. you mind if I ask you what kind of training you’ve had for this business? I mean, did you go to school for this sort of thing?

Samurai: [ indicates diploma on wall ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Famous TV Repairman’s School of West Port, Connecticut. Black-and-white only. Black-and-white only? Hey, listen, uh.. this is a color set. If you went to that school, what do you know about fixing a color set?

Samurai: [ points to his eyes ]

Mr. Dantley: Your eyes are brown..

Samurai: [ points to skin ]

Mr. Dantley: Your skin is yellow..

Samurai: [ points to kimono ]

Mr. Dantley: Your kimono is blue..

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Well, that’s great. I know what color you are, but what about my set? I’ll tell you – I noticed that sometimes, when I sort of hit the side, the picture will come up.

Samurai: [ taps TV with his fist ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah, a little rap on the side. Just a little.. tap on the side, that’s all.

Samurai: [ screams, throws TV to the floor, then hacks it with a slice from his sword ]

Mr. Dantley: [ alarmed ] Hey, what are you doing to my set?! What kind of way is that to fix it?!

Samurai: [ picks up TV from floor, which now makes a sound, accompanied by scrambled test pattern ]

Mr. Dantley: That’s fantastic! You’ve restored the sound.. but what about the picture? [ Samurai grunts ] Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

Samurai: [ sticks two small Samurai swords through the back of TV, then jiggles until a clear picture appears ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of..

[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]

Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.

[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Has Fantasies Rated G” superimposed in front of her ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Sodom Chamber of Commerce

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce…..Dan Aykroyd
Mayor Abanasher…..Buck Henry
Ashmore…..John Belushi
Noab…..Bill Murray
Sodomite #1…..Garrett Morris
Fellow Sodomites…..Andy Murphy, Mitchell Laurance
Song and Dance Girls…..Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner

[ open on close-up of Sodom Chamber of Commerce banner, with SUPER: “Sodom, 2003 B.C.” ]

[ pull back to reveal Chamber members talking amongst themselves ]

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: [ banging gavel ] Alright, settle down, gentlemen! Well, as the Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce, it’s always a pleasure to welcome our Mayor. You all know him — he’s a friend, a neighbor, and a great Sodomite. Gentlmen, please welcome Abanasher.

[ the Chamber members applaud as the Mayor rises ]

Mayor Abanasher: Gentlemen, thank you. I’d like to talk to you today about a problem that I consider the most serious problem facing our city. I’ve just returned from a trip that took me all around the Plain of Jordan. I regret to inform that Sodom… has a TERRIBLE reputation. [ the Chamber reacts ] I’m afraid it’s true, gemtlemen. When people of the empire think of Sodom, what’s the first thing that comes to their minds? Sodomy. [ the Chamber members nod ] Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy!

Ashmore: Well, what’s wrong with that? I mean, sodomy is what put us on the map!

[ the Chamber members agree ]

Mayor Abanasher: That’s fine for you to say, Ashmore, because you’re a pharmacist. The point is: I’m the Mayor of this city, and I’m faced with a financial crisis, and every time I go to the government for loans, they say to me, “Why should we give aid to a city so debaucehd and so vile?”

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Vile? What’s vile about sodomy?

Mayor Abanasher: You have no argument from me on that! All I’m saying is that we ought to be concerned about the kind of image we project to out-of-towners. You know, there’s a lot of Samarians and Azarians who are spending their zuzan in Gomorrah. That’s why I’ve invited a guest here tonight — Noab the Hissite. Now, Noah created the campaign to turn Gomorrah around. He’s got some really great ideas, so please hear him out. Gentlemen, I give you… Noab!

[ the Chamber members applaud Noab, as he rises ]

Noab: Thanks, Abanasher! Gentlemen. You know, I was looking over your official city brochure. Now… what kind of city slogan is this: [ reading ] “You have to be crazy to live in Sodom — crazy about sodomy!” Now… if you’re going to attract investment, if you expect to have your bid for the Olympics taken seriously, you’re gonna have to play down the sodomy!

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: “Play down”? Come on! What do you think brings the conventions in here? A guy lookimh for a place he can gamble, practice gluttony, worship a flase idol or two… and have a little sodomy! He automatically thinks of Sodom!

Ashmore: He’s got a point there!

Noab: Alright, now look at Gomorrah, okay? Now, they’re every bit as wicked as you people, but it’s just not the main thrust of their publicity. They emphasize more conventional things. I think Sodom should, too.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Oh, like what?

Noab: Well, like the park. Like the museums. Like your restaurants. LIke your theater district.

Sodomite #1: Oh, yeah… and the human sacrifice!

Noab: No, no, no… You see, people around the empire, they sort of perceive the human sacrifice, not as a civic attraction, but as another one of the wicked things about Sodom!

Ashmore: We don’t want to look like goodie goodies.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: No, Ashmore, you needn’t worry about that. Anyone who’s really interested in sodom, they know to come here — word-of-mouth will take care of that. I think that what Noab is saying is that we don’t have to bend over backwards to advertise it.

Noab: Exactly! Exactly! All we want people to know is that they can come to Sodom, check into a hotel, visit a museum or a gallery in the afternoon, have a nice dinner in a fine restaurant in the evening, and then, if they want it, the sodomy is there.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Gentlemen, Noab tells me that he has conceived a massive publicity campaign for Sodom’s new image.

Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Alright, Noab, can you give us a sample?

Noab: Alright, gentlemen. I think this is a concept that you’re going to love. [ calling out ] Kids?

[ three Song and Dance girls come out to perform ]

Song and Dance Girls: [ singing ]
“IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!
IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!
IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!”

[ pull back on wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Do Termites Play House?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

King Tut

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: I’d like to talk seriously just for a moment. One of the great art exhibitions ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen – or King Tut. But I think it’s a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, T-shirts and posters. And three months ago I was up in the woods, and I wrote a song. I tried to use the ancient modalities and melodies. I’d like to do it for you right now. Maybe we can all learn something.

Steve Martin:
(King Tut. King Tut.)
Now when he was a young man, he never thought he’d see
People stand in line to see the boy king.

(King Tut)
How’d you get so funky?
(Funky Tut)
Did you do the monkey?
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
King Tut)

Now if I’d known they’d line up just to see him
I’d have taken all my money and bought me a museum.

(King Tut)
Buried with a donkey.
(King Tut)
He’s my favorite honky
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
King Tut)

(Tut! Tut!)
Dancing by the Nile!
(Disco Tut! Tut!)
The ladies love his style!
(Boss Tut! Tut!)
Walkin’ for a mile.
(Rockin’ Tut! Tut!)
He ate a crocodile.
(Oooooh, wah-ooooh)
He gave his life for tourism.

[ saxophonist pop out of crypt for a solo ]

Steve Martin: [ places electric blender at saxophonist’s feet ]Golden Idols! He’s an Egyptian!

Steve Martin:
Now when I die, now don’t think I’m a nut
Don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut!
(King Tut)
He could have won a Grammy.
(King Tut)
Buried in his jammies.
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
Born in Arizona)

Got a condo made o’ stone-a
(King Tut)

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Love Story

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Harold…..John Belushi

[ open in couple’s bedroom, night ]

Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.

Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?

Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!

Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.

Betty: Harold, are you listening?

Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]

Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?

Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?

Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!

Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!

Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.

Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!

Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!

Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!

Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.

Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.

Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]

Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?

Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!

Harold: [ smugly ] I know!

Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!

Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!

Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?

Harold: Yes.

Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!

Harold: You are?

Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.

Harold: Really?

Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.

Harold: Oh.

Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.

Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.

Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.

Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!

Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?

Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?

Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.

Harold: Alright.

Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.

Harold: Right.

Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!

Harold: Right…

Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!

Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready!

[ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]

Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!

Harold: I love the rubber gloves!

Betty: Yeah!

Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?

Harold: Sure, sure!

Betty: Okay!

Harold: Come on!

Betty: Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves!

[ they disappear under the covers and turn the lights off ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert

Don Kirshner…..Paul Shaffer
Jake Blues…..John Belushi
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Don Kirschner ]

Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner, and welcome to “Rock Concert”. In 1969, Marshall Checkers, of the legendary Checkers Records, called me on a new blues act that had been playing in a small, funky club on Chicago’s South Side. Today, with the help of Jerry Erdegan, and the staff of Pacific Records, their manager, Morey Daniels, and with the support of fellow artists Curtis Selgado and the Cray Band, they are no longer an authentic blues act, but have managed to become a viable commercial product. So now, let’s join “Joliet” Jake and his silent brother Elwood – The Blues Brothers.

[ pan down and dissolve to Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, performing on the stage below ]

Blues Brothers: [ singing ]
“I went balling the other night
I started drinking and got real tight
I blew each and all my friends
I felt so good I had to blow it again

I said Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Draw one, two, three, four glasses of beer.”

[ pan out and dissolve back to Don Kirschner up above ]

Don Kirschner: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Theodoric Of York

Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin
William…..Dan Aykroyd
Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Joan…..Jane Curtin
Hunchback…..John Belushi
Drunkard…..Bill Murray

Announcer: [ over scolling SUPER ] “In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. The art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. The medieval barbers were the forerunners of today’s men of medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.”

William: Hello, Theodoric of York. Well, it’s springtime, and I’ve come for my haircut and bloodletting.

Theodoric of York: Hello, William, Son of Malcolm the Tanner. Have a seat. Broom Gilda, you start on William’s hair, and I’ll open a vein here.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: How’s that baby I delivered last Christmas when your wife died?

William: Oh, the little fellow is deformed.

Theodoric of York: Oh, that’s right. I remember now. [ cuts William’s vein, as his blood spills into a bowl ]

William: Ahhh..

Announcer: And now, it’s time for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”.

Theodoric of York: There you go. Looks like I have another patient. I’ll be back in a minute to see how you’re doing.

William: Right. Thank you.

[ Theodoric approaches Joan, who stands next to her daughter ]

Joan: Hello, Theodoric, Barber of York.

Theodoric of York: Hello, Joan, Wife of Simkin the Miller. Well, how’s my little patient doing?

Joan: Not so well, I fear. We followed all your instructions – I mixed powder of staghorn, gum of arabic with sheep’s urine, and applied it in a poultice to her face.

Theodoric of York: And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?

Joan: Oh, yes. But she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.

Theodoric of York: Well, let’s give her another bloodletting. Broom Gilda.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: Take two pints.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Joan: Will she be alright?

Theodoric of York: Well, I’ll do everything humanly possible. Unfortunately, we barbers aren’t gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago, they thought a disease like your daughter’s was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.

Joan: Well, I’m glad she’s in such good hands.

Hunchback: [ pulls Drunkard forward in a cart ] Is this Theodoric, Barber of York?

Theodoric of York: Say, don’t I know you?

Hunchback: Sure, you worked on my back.

Theodoric of York: What’s wrong with your friend here?

Hunchback: He broke his legs.

Drunkard: I was at the festival of the vernal equinox, and I guess I had a little too much mead.. and I darted out in front of an oxcart. It all happened so fast. They couldn’t stop in time.

Theodoric of York: Well, you’ll a lot better after a good bleeding.

Drunkard: But I’m bleeding already!

Theodoric of York: Say, whos the barber here?

Drunkard: Okay, okay, just do something for my legs.

Theodoric of York: Well, the three of us will get you up on the gibbet here. [ turns Drunkard upside-down, then spreads his legs apart ] Okay, now this is gonna hurt a little. What we’re doing is separating your broken bones, and if you don’t feel better tomorrow, we’ll just cut his legs off about here.

Drunkard: Okay. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna feel better tomorrow!

Theodoric of York: I guess this will teach you to go easy on the mead. Broom Gilda put a few leeches on his forehead.

[ Broom Gilda complies ]

Drunkard: Thank you.

Theodoric of York: [ to William ] When was the last time you came in for a worming?

William: I guess I’m due.. but I don’t have time today. Please accept my payment – this fine, fat goose. [ hands over goose ]

Theodoric of York: Thank you. Broom Gilda will give you your change. [ returns to Joan ] So, how’s the little patient doing?
Joan: She’s worse. She’s looking pale.

Theodoric of York: Well, if she’s not responding to treatment, I’m afriad we’ll have to run some more tests. Broom Gilda, bring me the Caladrius Bird.

Joan: Caladrius Bird?

Theodoric of York: Yes. The Caladrius Bird is placed beside a patient. If the bird looks at a patient’s face, she will live; but if it looks at her feet, she will die. Okay, now, Freddy, come on out. [ unleashes bird from cage, but it just flies off ] I don’t know how to interpret that. Did you see Broom Gilda?

Broom Gilda: No.

Theodoric of York: Well, I guess, take another pint from Isabelle – and while you’re at it, take two pints from the bird.

Broom Gilda: [ feels paitnet ] She’s dead.

Joan: Dead! Dead! I can’t believe it! My little daughter dead!

Theodoric of York: Now, Mrs. Miller, you’re distraught, tired.. you may be suffering from nervous exhaustion. I think you’d feel better if I let some of your blood.

Joan: You charlatan! You killed my daughter, just like you killed most of my other children! Why don’t you admit it! You don’t know what you’re doing!

Theodoric of York: [ steps toward the camera ] Wait a minute. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly folow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method”. Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! [ thinks for a minute ] Naaaaaahhh!

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”, when you’ll hear Theodoric say:

Theodoric of York: A little bloodletting and some boar’s vomit, and he’ll be fine!

[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Extra-Sensory Conception” ]

[ pan to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Troff ‘n’ Brew

Bill…..Steve Martin
Male Co-Worker #1…..Bill Murray
Female Co-Worker…..Jane Curtin
Male Co-Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Male Patron…..Tom Davis
Waitress #1…..Gilda Radner
Female Patron…..Rosie Shuster
Ray Swangen…..John Belushi
Ray’s Friend…..Dan Aykroyd
Waitress #2…..Laraine Newman
Other Patrons…..Anne Beatts, Jim Downey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller

[ open on group of four co-workers approaching elevator ]

Bill: So… where are we going to take lunch?

Male Co-worker #1: For God’s sake, let’s pick someplace close by.

Female Co-worker: Well, there’s Fujiwa.

Male Co-worker #2: No, no… Japanese food makes me sweat.

Female Co-worker: How about that Italian place?

Male Co-worker #1: I had Italian last night, if you don’t mind.

Bill: How about that new place, the Troff ‘n’ Brew?

Female Co-worker: Oh, I don’t know… I’ve been there once, and it was all right…

Bill: Come on! Let’s go there! It’s close by, they know me in there, it’s got great lighting, great chili. Come on, let’s go.

[ the elevator dings ]

Male Co-worker #1: I could use some chili.

[ they step into the elevator and grumble amongst themselves as the doors close ]

[ dissolve to the interior of the Troff ‘n’ Brew, Male Patron #1 leaning over a bucket drinking beer straight from the tap as Waitress #1 works the spigot. He then dunks his head into the bucket of beer. ]

[ slow pan across the chili trough, as various patrons lean over to eat their lunch, including Ray Swangen and his buddy ]

Ray’s Buddy: Ray… I’ll tell ya’ — I gotta go next week, and I gotta entertain Herb Cochran’s wife, and I was wondering if you could get me some tickets for the Yankee-Red Sox game. It might give me the opportunity I’ve been looking for to, you know, take his temperature, saw off any old wounds.

Ray Swangen: Uhhhh — no problem! I’ll send a memo to, uh, to Doris, and I’ll set it up. I’d like to have Herb Cock in my corner!

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah. Absolutely.

[ Waitress #2 steps forward with a fresh bucket of chili ]

Waitress #2: Everything okay here?

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah! It’s good!

Waitress #2: Heads up! More chili!

[ she pours the chili out of the bucket and even scoops the bottom of the bucket by hand. Ray and his buddy lean over to eat the fresh chili. ]

[ Bill and his co-workers enter and grab their bibs ]

Male Co-worker #2: Hey! This place is really nice! Who owns these Troff ‘n’ Brews, anyway?

Female Co-worker: Somebody told me it’s another Dining Associates chain. Six or seven of ’em just opened up in the city.

[ the two co-workers dig into the chili ]

Female Co-worker: This place isn’t always crowded. It’s good chili — I have to be careful not to eat too much, though.

[ pan over to Bill and his fellow co-worker digging into the chili ]

Male Co-worker #1: You know… we had better send that Telex out to Detroit right after lunch. I’m gonna step over here to a brew basin and wash this down with some cold brewski.

Bill: Yeah, I could suck back some cold beer.

[ they walk over to the beer buckets ]

[ pan over to Ray and his buddy slurping beer from a bucket in the far corner ]

Ray’s Buddy: Hey, Ray?

Ray Swangen: Yeah?

Ray’s Buddy: Who’s picking up the tab for this feast?

Ray Swangen: I’ll do it. I’ll sign in my company — I’m known here. [ he looks up ] Hey, Waitress!

Waitress #1: [ stepping forward ] Yes, Sir!

Ray Swangen: Uh — I’d like a tab. You know? Ray Swangen Industries.

Waitress #1: Uh, yeah — how many heads?

Ray Swangen: Two.

Waitress #1: Two head! Alright. Sign here. [ Ray signs the tab ] Thank you!

Ray’s Buddy: Ah, beautiful! Thanks a lot, Ray! I’ll get you next week.

Ray Swangen: Ah, whatever.

[ they continue to sip beer from the bucket, as an announcement comes over ]

P.A. V/O: The Troff ‘n’ Brew is closing for a one half-hour hosedown. Please stop feeding, pay your check, and LEAVE by the MAIN exit present!

[ Waitress #2 begins hosing off patrons’ faces ]

P.A. V/O: Please deposit your bibs in the Bib Bin and head to the MAIN exit! One half-hour hosedown —

[ patrons corral toward the exit like cattle, and make just as much noise in the process ]

[ pan upward into the audience, where one man peers over the balcony onto the stage with great interest ]

[ the camera zooms onto the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Looked Better In Ticket Line” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Cruelex, the first men’s grooming aid that promotes jock itch. Here are co-anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I’m Dave Aykroyd. [ cringes ]
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jean Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Aldo Moro is alive. The well-being of the former Italian president was confirmed this week, when his subductress issued this photograph of Moro, holding Wednesday’s paper. And, in a related story, “Weekend Update” has received proof of the well-being of another person feared dead – this photograph of former Teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa, shown holding today’s Daily News. Questioned as to his whereabouts all this time, Hoffa exclaimed that he had bee a regular on the “Lou Grant” TV series, and attributes his so-called disappearance to “low ratings”.

Believed to have been dead for the last five years, Lyndon Johnson, this week, gave a surprise visit to Jimmy Carter at the White House. Aging and white-haired, but looking remarkably fit, the former President said his death in 1973 was just a hoax. He then flew out to Missouri to visit Harry Truman.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because.. uh.. in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh.. an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris.. uh.. uptown to.. uh.. see if.. uh.. we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh.. you have the stuff?

Garrett Morris: Uh.. yeah..

Dan Aykroyd: Okay.. [ slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him ] Here’s some bread.. Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at “Weekend Update” advocate the smoking of arijuana. It’s just that a survey shows that 90% of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it’s for that minority that we’re doing this test.. [ examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett ] This looks really light..

Garrett Morris: No, man, it’s cool.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, give me the rest of the lid, man.

Garrett Morris: Look, it’s clean, man.. no seeds, no stems, that’s all.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, it’s under, it’s under..

Garrett Morris: Man, I can’t go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m sorry, Garrett, but that’s the third you’veshort-changed us. Everybody here’s gonna get really mad..

Garrett Morris: Please, man, don’t make me go back up there. They’re gonna beat me up again, man, I know.. [ inches away from the Update desk ]

Dan Aykroyd: [ to the audience ] We’ll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.

In New Delhi, the Indian Institute of Medicine has developed the world’s first nasal spray contraceptive. Although theoretically effective, doctors won’t be able to know conclusively until they find someone in India who practices nasal intercourse.

Dan Aykroyd: Tonight on “Point/Counterpoint”, Jane and I will argue Federal Aid for Abortions. Jane will take the Point for Federal Aid, and I will take the Counterpoint against. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Safe abortions have always been available to the rich, Dan. You simply want to deny them to the poor, and if you succeed, poor woman will be forced to get them anyway. They’ll beforced into the alleys with hangers, plungers and vacuum cleaners, risking death or mutilation. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Dan, you sadistic, elitist, sexist, racist, anti-humanist pig!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely. [ enraged ] Why should I pay hard-earned dollars so welfare tarts can have sex anytime they want, without regards to consequences? Haven’t these bimbos heard of abstinence? I, myself, haven’t had sex for two years – and I’m rich! Why should I foot the bill for killing unborn infants, anyway? I’ll pay for something practical like sterilization – but abortions? Never! With one exception – if I had been around when your mother was having you, not only would I have paid for the abortion, but I would have performed it myself!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late “Update” correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday NightNews”. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts