Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Antler Dance

…..Randy Newman
…..Paul Shaffer
…..Michael o’Donoghue

[ open on interior, Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Randy Newman: And now, another time-honored New Orleans tradition — Paul Shaffer, joined by Howard Shore and the NBC Video Orchestra, will perform “The Antler Dance.”

[ zoom past Randy to reveal the full SNL band playing ]

Paul Shaffer: [ singing ]
“Ahhh, let me tell you a story about what happened to me just the other night, whoo!
A man in a mask walked into my room, late last Saturday night
I said, ‘Hey, Mr. Mask, what you doin’ in here?’
He said, ‘There ain’t no cause for fri-i-ight!
Well, I got a dance that’ll beat the bump, the hustle and the hoochie-coo!’
And then he took off his pants, and did the Antler Dance
It’s so easy, you can do it, too!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well, the Antler Dance!
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!

Paul Shaffer: [ spoken ]
New Orleans Mardi Gras 1977! Yes, that’s how it started, way back in 1917, and, since then, once every ten years, that man in the mask returns, to lead ALL of Mardi Gras in a dance so wild in abandon, that they call it the Antler Dance! Well, listen — tonight is the night, so let’s go LIVE, right now, to New Orleans’ famed Antler Street —

[ dissolve to a crowd of revelers surrounding a fictictious street sign that reads “Rue d’ Antler – Antler St.” ]

Paul Shaffer V/O: — where an estimated half-a-million revelers are gathered to count off the last remaining seconds – 4! 3! 2! 1!

[ suddenly, Mr. Mike appears dancing, with a mask over his eyes and his hands posed above his head like antlers. As he prances about, the crowd gleefully tosses various objects at Mr. Mike, who soon realizes he’s gotten himself into more than he bargained for. ]

And.. there he is! The man in the mask! Alright, there’s no stopping this crowd now! Whoo!

[ singing ]
“A UFO, came out of the sky, and landed in L.A.!
The top blew off, and a thing crawled out, that flashed with a purple ray-ay.
It ate concrete, and it had nine feet, and a face like an overshoe.
And then it took off its pants, and did the Antler Dance
Well, it’s so easy, you can do it, too!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well, the Antler Dance!”

[ spoken ] Listen, there’s one more thing I’ve gotta tell you about right now:

[ singing ]
“Old Nate Hale was a-standin’ there, just a-waitin’, to be hung!
He said, ‘I’m going down, in the history books, as a cat who really swu-ung!’Well, I’ve got to say, if I had my way, I’d give another life or two.
And then he took off his pants, and did the Antler Dance
Well, he did it for the Red, White and Blue!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Oh yeah, the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well!”

[ the crowd cheers ]

[ overhead shot of the crowd, with caption: “Coming up Next… The South Will Fall Again” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Krewe of Apollo Ball

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Penny Marshall
…..Roberts Batson

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: At this year’s parade, the theme will be Sex Crimes of Many Nations. As we speak, they are starting construction on a huge float in the shape of a closet.

Buck Henry: The parade itself was discovered by 16th Century French explorer, Pierre Parade, who was searching for a route from Canal Street to his hotel room.

Jane Curtin: And now, over to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball.

[ dissolve to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball, in the Hyatt Regency ]

[ Penny Marshall is seated at a table and reading from a clipboard, oblivious that the camera is now on her. She hears applause and begins clapping as well, her eyes looking about the room in a catatonic state. She glances to the side of the cameraman. ]

Penny Marshall: Now?

[ Penny grabs a microphone, continues to stare incoherently for another second or two, sighs into the microphone, then finally begins ]

Penny Marshall: Well, the parades and the craziness on the streets are.. the Mardi Gras everyone knows. That is the public Mardi Gras. But there is another private carnival as well. [ flips the notes on her clipboard ] We — Cindy’s not here yet — but we are privileged tonight to be invited to the 8th Annual Ball Masque of the Mystic Krewe of Apollo.

[ cut to a man in a tuxedo escorting a man in a ball gown across the floor ]

Penny Marshall V/O: This carnival club has an all-male membership, as many of the other club’s do.

[ cut back to Penny ]

Penny Marshall: But, tonight’s ball, the queen, the maids, and the debutantes.. are all being portrayed by the men of this organization. [ looks off to the side ] Uh – there’s a debutante out there now. Isn’t she beautiful? [ looks again ] He’s beautiful.

[ cut to a male debutante being escorted by another male ]

Penny Marshall V/O: Here comes another debutante. She’s wearing a white dress, blonde hair with baby’s breath in it. I don’t know the age requirement of the debutantes, but she looks swell.

[ upward diagonal wipe back to Penny clapping ]

Penny Marshall: Um — [ turns to the man seated behind her ] Roberts Batson.. do you have anything to describe this attire? Do they pick out their own clothes?

Roberts Batson: Uh – I really don’t know how the dresses are determined, but I would like to say that this is a traditional part of the Mardi Gras balls – the presentation of the debutantes. And almost all of the organizations do their — it usually comes right at the beginning of the ball, following the traditional format of the Mardi Gras ball.

[ cut to the next male debutante being escorted by another male ]

Penny Marshall V/O: It’s beautiful. Here comes another debutante.

Roberts Batson V/O: Is it what you expected?

Penny Marshall V/O: [ stunned ] I — nooo, I did not expect this at all. But it’s wonderful.

[ cut back to Penny and Roberts ]

Roberts Batson: You know, the dresses are not exactly the same.

Penny Marshall: No, they aren’t. She has a, uh —

Roberts Batson: They all maintain the white dress —

Penny Marshall: [ slightly stammering ] The white dress, yes.

Roberts Batson: — a slight difference in style —

Penny Marshall: And they bow differently —

Roberts Batson: Yes.

Penny Marshall: And they all have escorts. How many debutantes are there?

Roberts Batson: Uh, I believe — [ begins to count ] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 — six! Six debutantes.

Penny Marshall: Okay. [ to the camera ] We will be coming back to this wonderful ball in a few minutes. [ nervously ] I hope Cindy will, too..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Krewe of Apollo Ball II

…..Jane Curtin
…..Penny Marshall
…..Cindy Williams

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: And now back to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball.

[ dissolve to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball, in the Hyatt Regency ]

Penny Marshall: [ loudly ] Hi! Here we are, back at the Apollo! [ Cindy shushes her ] I’m sorry. [ in a softer voice ] They’re just about to introduce the Queen – the eighth Queen —

Cindy Williams: — of the Apollo.

Penny Marshall: We have missed all the hand maidens, and the three out-of-town Kings and Queens. [ fanfare blares ] But, here she is – here comes —

[ dissolve to live footage of the Queen walking down the aisle ]

Cindy Williams: The Queen is going to be wearing a floor-length, gold silk gown with chiffon overlay, encrusted and bejeweled — oh, with silver and amber on gold — ohh, she’s beautiful.

Penny Marshall V/O: She’s getting a standing ovation, as well deserved.

Cindy Williams V/O: Yes. With a collar of a combination of plume, made of scented feathers, and a crown, the same as the King.

Together V/O: Hi!!

Penny Marshall V/O: Hello!

Cindy Williams V/O: Isn’t he something? He’s something, isn’t he?

Penny Marshall V/O: What?

Cindy Williams V/O: He’s something.

Penny Marshall V/O: We must stand — we must stand for the Queen.

[ dissolve back to Penny and Cindy standing up and clapping ]

Penny Marshall: There’s a lot of scented feathers coming out of the Queen’s side. Many feathers.

Cindy Williams: You missed a costume made of yak fur, earlier —

Penny Marshall: Say bye. Bye. Goodbye, from Apollo.

[ dissolve back to Buck and Jane ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

Baba Wawa At Large

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner
…..Henry Winkler

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: Just to give you a hint of things to come, the marching band and the drill team from the Louisiana State Prison – they all escaped this morning so that they could be here tonight.

Buck Henry: The parade is just a little delayed in getting here. Apparently, an overactiv drum majorette has just had an unfortunate but interesting accident with her baton. We’ll have more on that — [ Buck’s words are cut off as a pair of beads tossed by a reveler nearly knocks his microphone from his hand ]

Jane Curtin: That’s probably in anticipation of the person we’re all waiting for – the King of Bacchus, Henry Winkler. Known to countless of americans as the Beaver.

Buck Henry: No, no. Not the Beaver, Jane. I think he’s known as, uh.. Shorty, or Captain Video.

Jane Curtin: Well, I knew it was either the Beaver or the cisco Kid.

Buck Henry: At any rate, he has gone into court, in order to change his name legally – so there’ll be no confusion – to change his name to Helen Hayes.

Jane Curtin: Well, we’ll probabyl find out what’s happening with him right now, when we take you to an interview with Baba Wawa and Henry Winkler, taped earlier today.

[ dissolve to pre-tape of Baba Wawa standing with Henry winkler ]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo! This is Baba Wawa at Warge, and I’m here at Wadi Gwas in New Owweans. It’s a pwetty tewwific city! Known thwoughout Amewica as Awthaw Fonzawewwi, the tewwibwy, tawented, twuwy tewwiffic, weal-wife – Henwy Winkwer!

Henry winkler: No, Baba – that’s He-ry Wink-ler.

Baba Wawa: Hewwo, Henwy!

Henry winkler: It’s a pleasure to be here with you, Baba!

Baba Wawa: Henwy, you’ve cweated a chawactaw that has a pwetty cowassaw wesonse. I mean, weawwy. I mean, I nevaw miss yaw pwogwam, it’s wondawfaw!

Henry winkler: Thank you.

Baba Wawa: Teww me, Henwy – do you have any difficuwties sepawating yaw own pewsonawities fwon the Fonz?

Henry winkler: Now, that’s a very good question, Baba. Actually, the first lesson I ever learned as an actor was to make that separation between my identity and the character’s, and, in this case, it’s the Fonz.

Baba Wawa: Weww – sounds wike you have the pwopaw pawspective!

Henry winkler: Oh, yeah. Like, in the studio, you know, I’m the Fonz, and, at home, I’m Henry Winkler, you know? Uh – at home, I answer the phone as Henry winkler; on the set, I answer the phone as the Fonz.

Baba Wawa: Weawwy?

Henry Winkler: Yes. Now – well, occasionally, sometimes I get a call at home for the Fonz. But, what I do is, I take a message, I give it to him – uh, he does the same for me. He’s a very considerate man. If he’s wearing a shirt that I truly love, all I have to do is mention it to him, he takes it RIGHT OFF and gives it to me!

Baba Wawa: Weww, he sounds wike a wiving daww.

Henry Winkler: Oh, he is! He’s a – he’s a pleasure to spend time with. We do a lot,/i> of things together. You know, sometimes we go to the movies, or catch a frisbee, you know, grab some burgers, just cruise! Uh – the only thing we have not been able to do, uh, lately – we haven’t been able to take a picture together, which is really like a drag. I’d love to ave a picture with him! [ Baba looks at Henwy with gweat confusion ] Now, it’s true that we have some problems. Like, when I meet a girl – she falls for me! Which I can understand, you know, because I’m cool, she’s cool. You know? Dig it, huh? [ laughs ] Ah, the last time that happened, H.W. beat me up one side up my body and DOWN the other! You know what I’m talking about? I mean, DOWN the other! [ in a serious tone ] Baba, I-I believe he deserved it, because he is, um, a creep —

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Bacchus Parade

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
Al Hirt…..John Belushi

[ open on SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Randy!

[ the crowd surrounding the grandstand cheers, and already begins flinging beads toward Buck and Jane. A superball even riccochets off Jane’s head. ]

Jane Curtin: Aigh! Thank you, Randy. I’m Jane curtin.

Buck Henry: I’m Buck Henry. And we’re here, high above the Bacchus parade, which will be coming by our stand at any minute. It’s very exciting, above this.. SEA of humanity.

[ dissolve to a closer view if the crowd behind Buck and Jane’s shoulders ]

Jane Curtin: It’s an incredible crowd, and just a, just a note about the crowd: a woman has just given birth to a baby girl, and, in honor of the circumstances, she’s naming it “Crushed.”

[ dissolve back to Buck and Jane ]

Buck Henry: Really an incredible thing to realize that — [ more beads and debris are flung toward Buck and Jane by the laughing crowd ] hundreds of thousands of Americans have traveled THOUSANDS of miles, just to come here to New Orleans to visit Bourbon Street and to throw up.

Jane Curtin: Because of the – because of the delay in the parade, let’s take time out now, to have a look at one of the more recent New Orleans traditions – and, of course, I’m talking about the annual “Let’s Hit Al Hirt in the Mouth with a Brick” contest. Here he is, live fom Bourbon Street, the King of Carnival himself – Mr. Al Hirt!

[ dissolve to Al Hirt standing in front of his Al Hirt’s Club at 501 Bourbon Street ]

[ the crowd cheers as Al hirt holds up his trumpet, then breaks into a brassy lick of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” After about four seconds, three bricks fly in from opposite sides of the screen, the second bouncing off of Al’s right eye. Al momentariliy stops playing his trumpet, as he leers at the laughing crowd, then starts over. ]

[ two more bricks fly in from the same side of the screen, as Al ducks. A third brick bounces off of his trumpet. A few more bricks and odd debris hit Al as well, knocking him to the pavement and causing him to finally stop blowing on his trumpet. Another foreign object lands at his body. ]

[ the crowd cheers. Al picks himself up and starts over once again. He barely completes the first note as yet another brick bounces atop his head. More bricks and a banana strike Al across the head, as he again hits the pavement and stops blowing. ]

[ Al carefully picks himself up, presses his trumpet to his lips and crouches before he takes his first blow. A rock hits him across the back, as more bricks and debris pelt him from the front. He tries valiantly to continue playing, but is once mroe knocked to the pavement as more bricks land on him. ]

[ Al rolls onto his side and starts over. A brick immediately bounces off of his trumpet. A baseball bat lands on the pavement to his right. Al lies across his back and continues to blow his trumpet, as another bat hits him. Beer cans also land near him. More bricks and a hardhat also pelt him, as Al finally surrenders to the street. ]

[ dissolve back to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin ]

Buck Henry: While we’re waiting for Al to regain consciousness, let’s go to this filmed message.

[ dissolve to a repeat of Quarry ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Wild Bees Motorcycle Club

Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
…..Penny Marshall
Sherry…..Laraine Newman
The Scab…..Bill Murray
Jake the Snake…..John Belushi
The Tongue…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Penny Marshall standing off to the side of a fountain, holding a can of beer and waiting for her cue ]

Voice of Rhonda Weiss: I can’t seee those —

[ Penny now steps closer to Rhonda Weiss and Sherry seated on the edge of the fountain ]

Penny: Any of you want a beer before we have to get back to the restaurant?

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, no beer for me. One beer, and I’m Queen of the Cellulite Parade!

[ Penny struggles to sit on the edge, raising her petticoat to adjust her posture ]

Penny: Oh, boy.. oh, boy.. oh, boy. [ removes her tennis shoe ] Look – another blister.

Rhonda Weiss: [ examines Penny’s foot ] Mmm.

Penny: Oh, boy. I hate waiting tables.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I hate EVERYTHING!

Sherry: Oh, quit complaining, you guys! Quit whining, it’s really getting sickening! I mean, I think serving people is really, really interesting! You know? Have you noticed the different ways that people chew?

Penny: [ sarcastically ] Oh, that’s really beautiful, Sherry.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, so – where are the guys? I mean, I came here to meet guys! Where are the guys?!

Penny: Everybody came to Mardi Gras to meet guys – even the guys.

Sherry: Oh, come on! Just working at the restaurant, you met TONS of guys!

Penny: Ah, they were all too short.

Rhonda Weiss: Yeah, well, I thought this was going to be like “Where The Boys Are.” I mean, even Connie Francis met a guy.

Sherry: None of the guys are sincere down here. I mean, let’s face it: I mean, they just want to get into my ??

Penny: I wish something exciting would happen. [ swigs from a bottle ]

Rhonda & Sherry: Yeah.. yeah.. me, too..

Penny: I’m bored.

Rhonda Weiss: I’m bored, too. You know, I didn’t even get a darn tip this afternoon.

Penny: No?

Rhonda Weiss: Not a cent!

[ their conversation is muffled as the sounds of “Born to be Wild” blare into the scenery, and three Bikers Bees roll into the scene on their Harley-Davidsons ]

The SCab: Hi, girls! We’re the Shriner’s Drill Team! [ guffaws ] Aw, come on! No, seriously – we’re the Wild Bees Motorcycle Club, from National City, California. [ points himself and his buddies out ] Im The Scab.. this is Jake the Snake.. and this is.. The Tongue!

[ The Tongue hangs his tongue out pathetically ]

The Scab: Now, uh – one of you is gonna be with The Tongue. Okay?

[ pull out to reveal that The Tongue is smitten with a horrified and disgusted Penny ]

Rhonda & Sherry: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Penny: Are these guys?

Sherry: [ excited ] I don’t know! But I think Scab’s a real FOX!

The Tongue: We just rode in from Corpus Christi, Texas! We blew up a small town for a friend! [ chuckles ] We need some girls to take CARE of us! We don’t know how to COOK! And how to SEW! We don’t KNOW!

Penny: I’m glad we came into town!

The Girls: You want to go? I don’t know, you want to go? Do you want to go?

[ The Tongue proceeds to lift Penny’s petticoat and have a look ]

Penny: He’s got a decent looking hardware, and, uh, we ain’t at no sissy bar. [ turns to The Tongue ] Okay, Kong – take me!

The Tongue: Yeah!!! [ picks Penny up and lays her across his Harley ]

Sherry: Yeah, you know, Scab – that’s a really, really cute shovel head!

The SCab: Yeah, well, uh – are you dating anybody right now? ‘Cause, uh, if you’re not, I’d like to take ya’ home and beat ya’ up, you know what I mean?

[ Scab and Sherry hop on his Harley ]

Rhonda Weiss: Um, excuse me, um, Jake the Snake. Is this, uh, real leather, or just naugahyde?

Jake the Snake: [ blows smoke at Rhonda’s face ] You know what your gonna do?! You’re comin’ back to California with me! Come back to your block house! Listen! I’m an ANIMAL!! I call party animals, animals from parties! anything will do! We’ll shave your head and chain you to the roof and wipe our feet on ‘ya! And then we’ll make ‘ya pick up after us! Whattaya say?! you wanna come?! [ thrusts her to the ground ]

Rhonda Weiss: Uhhh – yeah.

Jake the Snake: [ gentle ] Alright.

[ they climb on Jake’s Harley, as all the Bees ride off into the night to the sounds of “Born to be Wild” ]

[ dissolve to a full shot of the crowd ]

[ zoom in on New Orleans woman, add SUPER: “Owned Alex Haley’s Grandfather” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

President Carter at Mardi Gras

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman

[ open on close-up of President Jimmy Carter ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, everybody. I’d like, at this time, to say a few words about the state of the nation. Now, these are hard times for all of us – with a harsh, cold winter, and a permanent energy crisis, it’s gonna get worse and not better. [ smiles ] But I feel, as individual Americans, in this country, we should still try to have fun, in spite of all these problems. We must work hard, all of us – those of us who have work – and those of us who don’t, those of who don’t have work, must work hard to find it. Check the want ads. Don’t sleep in past noon. [ smiles ]

I’m fully committed to carry out my responsibilities as President. To carry on a program immediately, of natural energy conservation. And, when I travel, to carry my own garment bag. And, always, to carry my brother Billy when he’s unable to walk by himself. [ smiles ] But I don’t mind. I don’t mind. He ain’t heavy.. he’s my brother! [ smiles, blinks ]

[ camera pulls back to reveal that Carter is sitting on the rear end of Andrew Jackson’s horse atop a statue in Jackson Square ]

Above all else, we must not yield to the emotional and spiritual depression qhich accompanies winter time. Now, Southerners avoid this type of seasonal depression by coming to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. [ the crowd cheers ] And that’s why I’m here now, having a good time and trying to relax and party briefly — [ retrieves a can of beer hidden behind Jackson ] before going back to undertake my next phase of duties in Washington.

Voice of Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy? Jimmy, honey?

President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me. [ looks down below ] Yes, honey?

[ cut to Rosalyn Carter on the ground ]

Rosalyn Carter: Honey, you’ve been up there for two days. Come on down, I’m worried about you!

[ cut back to Jimmy ]

President Jimmy Carter: Okay! [ pulls out a sword from behind Jackson ] YEEEEEEE-HOO-HOO-HOO!!! Live, from Mardi Gras, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Elliot Gould
…..John Belushi
…..Bill Murray

Elliot Gould: Well, hello, hello, hello! Here I am back in New York, and this is where I’m from, right?

You know, when I was a littler kid, I was told I was supposed to be a song-and-dance man on Broadway. So I did that. And whenever I come on the show, I knew the first time I’d love to sing old songs. I sang “Crazy Rhythm” and “Let Yourself Go”. And then last time, I sang “Anything Goes”, by Cole Porter. And tonight, I had planned to sing a verse of “All The Things You Are”, “Don’t Fence Me In” and “You’ve Gotta Have Heart”.

But we’ve got a better idea. I’d like to reintroduce a dance song that was the rage a long time ago and is almost forgotten now. It was written by Mr. Tommy Malone and Moe Silverfarb. Both of them gone now – God bless them. And it’s from a show called “The Gypsy Priest”, which opened in the Wintergarden Theater in the Spring of 1927, and it sent all Amercia dancing. So tonight, folks, fifty years later, I’d like to show it to you.

[ cut to graphic of exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And now, live from Studio 8H, high atop Manhatten’s famed Rockefeller Plaza, NBC proudly presents the dance craze you’ve all been waiting for – “The Castration Walk”!

[ dissolve to John Belushi, Elliot Gould and Bill Murray in tuxedo coat and tails ]

Together:
“Put your hand on your crotch
and your other one, too.
Then you give a little squeeze
and they both turn blue.
And it hurts so much you can barely talk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

Together:
“Then you hop on your foot
and you roll on the floor.
And you knock things over
and you bang on the door.
And you scream, ‘Ow! Ow!’
And you shout, ‘Awk! Awk!'”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

Together:
“Then your voice goes up
and you sound like this.
And you don’t want to hug
and you don’t want to kiss.
And you throw a little fit
and you start to squawk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk

[ John, Elliot and Bill do the Castration Dance ]

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
It’s a brand new sensation.”

Bill Murray:
Well, I went to the Rabbi
and he sent me to the moil.
But the moil was clumsy
and he made me a goil!

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
It will soon sweep the nation.”

John Belushi:
I was sliding down the banister
and didn’t see the ouch.
Now I feel like a kangaroo
who lost his pouch.

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
it’s no cause for a nation.”

Elliot Gould: Officer, I’d like to report a jewel heist!

Together: “Now you’re doing the Castration Waaaaaaaallllkkk!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Natural Causes Restaurant

Elaine Melcher…..Gilda Radner
Shelly Melcher…..Elliot Gould
Jason…..Dan Aykroyd
Sunset…..Laraine Newman

[ open on interior, Natural Causes Restaurant, as Shelly and Elaine Melcher walk up and enter the empty restaurant ]

Elaine Melcher: Shelly, this is it. Oh, isn’t it lovely?

Shelly Melcher: It doesn’t look very busy.

Elaine Melcher: Well… I know, I know, but maybe people — it’s not closed, is it?

Shelly Melcher: Uh, I don’t know…

Elaine Melcher: Well, why don’t we sit here?

Shelly Melcher: Why don’t we sit down, yeah. [ they sit ] It doesn’t look like anyone’s here.

Elaine Melcher: Look! [ she holds up a pair of chopsticks ] Chopsticks! Chopsticks!

[ Jason and Sunset emerge from the kitchen ]

Jason: Welcome to the Natural Causes Restaurant! I’m Jason, and this is my old lady, Sunset. She’s really far out!

Sunset: Welcome to our space! It’s NO accident that you’ve stumbled upon our door.

Elaine Melcher: Hi! Uh — uh, we’re Shelly and Elaine Melcher. Uh, we read about the Natural Causes Restaurant in New West magazine. You know, that article, uh — “Beyond Vegetarianism”?

Jason: That was a far out article. It’s really brought us a lot of business. That was really a good thing…

Shelly Melcher: Is it okay that we sit here?

Sunset: Oh. What are your signs?

Elaine Melcher: Uh — Gemini and Pisces.

Jason: You’re at the right table, it’s perfect — perfect for your energy.

Sunset: Okay… [ points from Shelly to Elaine ] Gemini… Pisces.

Shelly Melcher: No, no, it’s the other way around.

Sunset: Oh! I KNEW it! Oh, wo-ow!

Jason: Far out!

Sunset: Like, here at the Natural Causes Restaurant, we are really, like, beyond vegetarianism. Like, we serve meat, but we don’t believe in killing it.

Jason: Dig it! Like, we feel that, like, slaughtered animals are full of fear, you know? And eating fear produces bad karma, you know? So, like, we serve animals that only died from natural causes! [ hands them a pair of menus ] Here are your menus.

Shelly Melcher: [ looking at the menu ] Well, this menu doesn’t describe what you have in the dishes. What’s, uh, the Kahutek Special?

Sunset: Oh, well, see — it changes all the time. Like, you never know what’s gonna die at any given moment.

Jason: Like, today, the Kahutek Special might be leg of lamb, because we have a sheep back in the kitcehn that’s dying of anthrax. [ to Sunset ] Do you wanna go see if it’s dead yet, Sunset?

Sunset: Sure.

[ they take a peek into the kitchen ]

Shelly Melcher: I don’t know if I can go through with this…

Elaine Melcher: Shelly!

[ Jason and Sunset return ]

Sunset: Ooh, bad news! Uh, the sheep’s still wheezing.

Elaine Melcher: [ reading her menu ] Um — well, uh — what’s this? What’s the Mare Baba?

Jason: Okay, the Mare Baba is, like, frogs legs on a bed of brown rice.

Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly! You LOVE frogs legs!

Shelly Melcher: [ considering it ] Where did you get them from?

Jason: I pick them up from Fairbanks High’s biology lab. You know? They’re just missing their mouth parts, you know?

Shelly Melcher: I think I’ll pass. What else do you have?

Jason: Well, how about seagull?

The Melchers: Seagull?!

Jason: Yeah, a seagull that was drowned in the Santa Barbara oil slick. Completely, you know…

Shelly Melcher: What’s the Easy Winner?

Jason: Uh… race horse struck by lightning. On stone-ground pita bread with hummis.

Sunset: Right, and prepared with love!

Jason: Really!

Sunset: Lots of love!

Elaine Melcher: Horse? Horse. Shelly, do you feel like horse?

Shelly Melcher: No, I don’t think I could eat a horse.

Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly… [ turns to Jason and Sunset ] You see, we’re a little new to this. Maybe you could recommend something?

Jason: Well, the fresh cat is very nice.

Shelly Melcher: Fresh cat?

Jason: Yeah. It was just run over an hour-and-a-half ago on Highway 1.

Shelly Melcher: [ aghast ] You mean, you use animals that were killed in traffic accidents?

Sunset: Hey! There are NO accidents!

Shelly Melcher: Well, Pasadena on the cat! Would you mind checking on that sheep again?

Sunset: Sure. [ she exits to the kitchen ]

Jason: Like, we garnish it with insects that I scrape off the windshield of my van. You know?

[ Sunset returns ]

Sunset: Ooh, wow, uh — bad news again. The sheep seems to have perked up.

Jason: Oh, wow… that’s a drag. [ a beat ] Well, what’ll it be? Frog, seagull, horse, or cat?

Shelly Melcher: [ holding up his menu ] Well, what is this, uh — Ohm Surprise?

Jason: Oh! The Ohm Surprise. Well, that’s just steak, man. You know…

Shelly Melcher: Steak? [ sarcastically ] What happened, did the cow have a heart attack?

Jason: No, man. What happened, was… one day, I was standing outside of the restaurant. Okay? And, like, this cow dropped out of the sky! You know? And, later, I found out it was this flying Mexican meat smuggler’s airplane, you know? He was being chased by the U.S. Border Patrol, he got caught on radar, and he had to jettison his cattle!

Shelly Melcher: [ incredulous ] Are you trying to tell me that you hve steak on the menu, because some flying Mexican meat smuggler, who was being chased by American feds, dropped the cow over your restaurant, accidentally?!

[ Jason shakes his head ]

Sunset: There are NO accidents!

Shelly Melcher: Hmm.

[ an airplane can suddenly be heard buzzing overhead, as a crash sounds, and a cow drops through the ceiling and hits the floor ]

Jason: So, man, how would you like your steak: rare, medium, or well-done?

[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Teenage Retirement Villages Fro Dropouts” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Nick “Summers”

Nick “Summers”…..Bill Murray
Pianist…..Paul Shaffer
Jane the Waitress…..Anne Beatts
Gunner Alquist…..John Belushi
Mrs. Alquist…..Gilda Radner
Skeeter Miller…..Elliott Gould
Mrs. Campbell…..Laraine Newman
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
Shelley…..Howard Shore

(FADE IN on a rack of antlers and a neon “BUD” sign on the back wall of a dimly lit bar.)

Nick “Summers”: [ singing ] “I write the SONGS that make the whooole world siiiiiiing…”

(ZOOM OUT to reveal Nick singing onstage with Paul Shaffer accompanying on piano, and several patrons seated at tables.)

Nick “Summers”: [ singing ]
“I write the notes and the words and ev-e-ry-thi-iiiii-iiiiing…
I write the songs that make the young girls CRY-YYYYYYYYY…
I write the songs, I write the sooo-ooongs…
I AM MUSIC! And I write the SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGS!”

(A bare trickle of applause greets his performance.)

Nick “Summers”: Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to the Zephyr Room, up at the beautiful Breezy Point Lodge at Lake Minnehonka.

[laughter]

Nick “Summers”: My name is Nick Summers. Thank you. And I’m gonna TRY to entertain you for a little while, I wanna thank you once again. I want you to know that a Minnehonka summer is a fun summer. That’s what you’re here for, that’s what I’m here for, and I’m KIND of a fun guy… so let’s relax, and HAVE a little bit of fun. Say, did anybody hear a loon about 6:15, huh? [touches his ear] I did. You gotta keep your ears open.

[ Paul tinkles the keys of his piano ]

Nick “Summers”: Yes, that’s what they sound like, Paul. [laughs] And if you want the kids to see some deer, get up about 6:30, and stand over by the volleyball courts, and they’ll come out, believe me.

(A waitress steps in front of Nick and holds up a tray of drinks.)

Nick “Summers”: [taking drink] Oh, for me, I bet. Thanks, Jane.

(She whispers briefly in his ear and steps aside.)

Nick “Summers”: Thank you. Jane’s just told me we’ve got an anniversary at the Breezy Point tonight, right down in front.

(CUT to a morose-looking couple at a table with a checkered tablecloth.)

Nick “Summers”: Hello, and you are Mr. and Mrs…?

Gunner Alquist: Uh, Gunnar Alquist, from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.

Nick “Summers”: Oh, welcome aboard, and, uh, Mrs. Alquist, do you still love him just as much as you ever did?

(He sticks the mike in her face as she slumps over the table.)

Mrs. Alquist: [in a monotone] Yes, I do.

Nick “Summers”: If you had it all to do over again, would you do it?

Mrs. Alquist: No.

[laughter]

Nick “Summers”: Is there a song that I can sing for you two?

Mrs. Alquist: NO!

Nick “Summers”: [stands back up] Well, I’d just like to say this… [ singing ] “Happy ANNIVERSARYYYYYYY, Mr. and Mrs. Gunnar Alquiiiiiiiiist… Happy ANNIVERSARYYYYYYY… tooo-o-oooo… yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu.”

(One or two people clap.)

Nick “Summers”: Thank you. I want to take this opportunity to introduce a celebrity in the audience, sitting way back there in the dark… [scans the room] I ALMOST CAN’T see you, Skeeter! Don’t you want anybody to know that you’re HERE?! The man who put the Breezy Point Lodge on the map, Lake Minnehonka’s own water-ski instructor, SKEETER MILLER! C’mon, let’s hear it!

(CUT to Skeeter clasping his hands above his head and waving.)

Nick “Summers”: He also does a heckuva job with the water show on Saturday afternoons. [steps to table] And who is this pretty young miss, Skeeter? What’s your name, Miss?

Nrs. Campbell: [snaps] Uh, that’s MRS.

Nick “Summers”: Mrs……?

Nrs. Campbell: Mrs. Campbell.

Nick “Summers”: Mrs. Campbell — oh, of course, your husband broke his ankle, he’s gonna be laid up this week. Sorry about that. But I’m awfully glad that YOU two could come, thank you for that–and be sure, everybody, to check out Skeeter’s show, or ask him to help you get up on the boards yourself, ’cause he’s a terrific–

(Nick is suddenly interrupted by Paul playing the bugle theme from the Kentucky Derby.)

Nick “Summers”: UH-OHHHHHHHHH! That’s the Catch of the Day Fanfare, which can mean only one thing, time for a special event: the CATCH of the DAY!!!

(Paul plays another fanfare as a fisherman steps stiffly onstage with a fish in his hand.)

Nick “Summers”: Here it is, the biggest fish pulled out of Lake Minnehonka today, caught by our own fishing and snowmobile guide, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.

(Jimmy drapes the fish proudly over his arm.)

Nick “Summers”: He is the best guide in the parts, no question about that–he’s got a BEAUTIFUL Chris Craft with twin Mercs. And he packs a lunch, right, Jimmy Joe?

(A man at the bar carefully touches the fish’s head.)

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: [in Native American accent] Better not touch that fish there, it’ll take yer hand right off, lookit those teeth!

(Nick chuckles.)

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: You want one of these, ya come to the dock tomorrow with TEN BUCKS at four-thirty in the morning. I’ll get ya a couple.

(He walks smoothly offstage.)

Nick “Summers”: Okay, when he says that, he means it. I’ll tell you something, he’s an Indian, and they don’t lie. I love that. Thank you, Jimmy Joe.

[laughter]

Nick “Summers”: Well, we’ve reached the audience participation part of the program. Every night at nine-thirty, we dance the Snowball, where everybody joins in. So play that song, Paul… and let the Snowball… begin.

(Paul hits a piano flourish and starts in.)

Nick “Summers”: “I’ll beginnnnn…”

(No one rises to dance.)

Nick “Summers”: The first couple on the floor will also get their picture on the cover of next week’s Breezy Point Lodge Bulletin, so ladies and gentlemen, it’s dancing time.

(CUT to the patrons sitting passively in their chair.)

Nick “Summers”: [surveying audience] Time to get UP… and DANCE.

(Nobody moves an inch.)

Nick “Summers”: Wait a minute, Paul, for a second… you know, we never do this in the Snowball Dance, but just for the heck of it, tonight let’s make this a Ladies’ Choice! Let’s dance.

(Paul plays dutifully, but no one gets up.)

Nick “Summers”: Well, I can’t believe this. This has never happened before, has it, Paul? [sticks mike in Paul’s face]

Paul Shaffer: [softly] No.

Nick “Summers”: Never has. [glances to side] Shelley? That’s surprising, isn’t it? Well, I think everyone’s probably a little bit too tired to dance tonight, anyway. So let’s all call it a night, and get up early, and let’s HOPE that those raindrops STOP falling on my head.

(Paul tickles the ivories a few seconds.)

Nick “Summers”: And look who’s clowning, do you believe this? Paul! He drives over from Ely, you know, and if you think the mosquitoes are bad here, you should see them over in Ely. The mosquitoes have license plates. And I mean that. Seriously. The deer flies have antlers! Now, get outta here! But this rain isn’t gonna hold too much longer, I’m sure of that. Well, good night, everybody, and this is Nick Summers saying, a Minnehonka summer is a fun summer, that’s what you’re here for, that’s what I’m here for. I AM a fun guy, and I hope that you had fun tonight. Say, and one more thing, I want you just to remember…

[piano cue]

Nick “Summers”: [ singing ]
“To siiiiiiiinnng…” [snaps fingers]
That’s right–“sing a sooooooooonnnnng,
Sing it LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUD,
Sing it sharp–“

[speaking] Remember to put on some six-twelve when you go out!

[singing] “To sing it happyyyyy, not SAD–“

[speaking] You know, we got bears over at the garbage dump–just flash your headlights!

[singing] “Sing of the GOOD TIMES, and not the BAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAD… “WELL, NO MATTER IF IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH–“

[speaking] This is my SEVENTH SUMMER UP HERE!!

[singing] “For anyone else to hearrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Just siiiiiiiiiiinnnng…
SIIIIING A SOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!
PLEASE won’t you SING ME a SONG!”

(The bar patrons finally break into decent applause.)

Nick “Summers”: [bowing] Thank you. Good night.

[ZOOM OUT and PAN high above the set as the studio audience also cheers. ZOOM IN on a frizzy-haired young man in a white turtleneck sweater. SUPERIMPOSE, “GREGARIOUS LONER.” After a few seconds, he notices himself on the monitor, points, and laughs. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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