Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator

Husband…..Dan Aykroyd
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Traveler…..Garrett Morris
Elevator Boy…..Tom Schiller
Woman…..Jane Curtin
Native People…..Dudley Moore
Customs Inspector…..Chevy Chase

[FADE IN on a married couple sitting on a living room sofa. The husband is dully pulling a bill out of an envelope.]

Don Pardo: Stuck in the city this winter? Yet you’re pining for far-off adventure and exotic new friends? Well, now your dreams are answered!

[drum roll and dramatic horn fanfare]

Pardo: Yes, it’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”! Around the world in eighty floors! Where every landing is another land!

[FADE to a nondescript elevator lobby and SUPERIMPOSE the caption “DON PARDO’S HOLIDAY IN AN ELEVATOR” trimmed by vines. The horns segue into majestic strings. A moment later, Garrett Morris walks in with a brown suitcase in his hand. He presses the button, and the doors open instantly. Garrett steps inside.]

Traveler: [to elevator boy] Sweden, please!

[Garrett stands still as the elevator boy holds out his hand to keep Garrett back until the doors close. The married couple walks in next. The wife hugs and kisses another woman happily as the husband holds a huge gray suitcase in one hand and presses the elevator button with the other.]

Pardo: Yes! We’ll take you on a globe-girdling experience, up and down the world, and you won’t even have to leave town!

[The woman waves goodbye and tingles with excitement while the couple steps into the elevator and the doors close. CUT to the couple and the elevator boy inside.]

Husband: Okay.

Pardo: Up the world you go! Proud, friendly natives await you on every floor! The doors open out on fabled Canada, our neighbor to the north!

[Elevator doors open to show Dudley Moore wearing a parka and a fedora in front of a still projection of a snow-covered mountain forest.]

Moore: [with a cheesy grin] Howdy, folks!

Pardo: Canada has the sun on the enchanting second floor. A tame deer nibbles snow out of the palm of your hand!

[A fake deer head sticks out from behind the doors and nuzzles the wife’s hand for a moment. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “CANADA: $7.98 (FOR 10 MINUTES)” as the doors close.]

Husband: Why don’t we, why don’t we go on up to Spain?

Pardo: Spain, you say? Jewel of the Mediterranean!

[Elevator doors open to show Dudley wearing a bullfighter’s outfit and a beret in front of a photo of tropical mountains.]

Moore: ¡Buenos dìas!

Pardo: Better hurry if you don’t want to miss the traditional running of the bulls on sun-splattered nineteen!

[Dudley tries to stick two swords into the fake deer’s head, but the swords clatter to the floor, and he grins widely. SUPERIMPOSE, “SPAIN: $9.98 (FOR 8 MINUTES)” when doors close.]

Wife: This is great!

Husband: Yeah, this is fun!

Pardo: Or is it frozen tundra you’re after?

Husband: Sure.

[Doors open on Dudley dressed in a cassock hat with a fur hastily thrown over his bullfighter’s suit. He is standing in front of the same scene shown for Canada.]

Moore: Slavarvich!

Pardo: Communism leaps alive on panoramic forty-five, fabled Russia, land of detènte! A tame bear nibbles wheat out of the palm of your hand!

[A bear’s head nuzzles the wife’s hand again. SUPERIMPOSE, “RUSSIA: $5.98 (FOR 5 MINUTES)” as the doors close back up.]

Husband: A bear!

Wife: This is great!

Husband: Oh, yeah, look at that paneling! [snaps photos of elevator wall]

Wife: Oh, this is fun, honey!

Pardo: Why not go native on sun-drenched Borneo?

[Doors open on Moore glaring out annoyedly in the same outfit.]

Moore: No way, no way!

[A fake sheep head pokes out, and the doors close abruptly a second later. Crowd roars with laughter.]

Pardo: Okay, then on to sun, south Tahiti! Jewel of the Pacific!

[Doors open on Dudley in the same outfit. Standing in front of the same mountains shown for Spain, he waves a Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt in front of him and sways back and forth.]

Moore: Aloha!

Pardo: With its sapphire skies and glittering beaches! A tame wild boar nibbles poi out of the palm of your hand!

[With two long tusks attached near its mouth, the boar’s head nuzzles the wife’s open palm. SUPERIMPOSE, “TAHITI: $2.98 (FOR 3 MINUTES),” then doors close again.]

Husband: This is fun.

Wife: Great!

[The husband takes a couple more photos of the elevator paneling.]

Pardo: And at last, seasoned world travelers, you’re ready to return home safely!

Elevator Boy: [pleasantly] Mezzanine, United States. Watch your step, please.

[He opens the doors, and the couple stumbles back out into the hallway. Gilda is carrying two shopping bags with her.]

Husband: A marvelous tour which we’ll remember as long as we live!

Wife: [in nasal voice] We especially loved India, and you can even drink the water and not get sick!

Husband: And anything can happen–we got stuck between Uruguay and Nepal for a minute!

[A customs inspector steps up to them.]

Inspector: Anything to declare, folks?

[They look at him in shock.]

Inspector: Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…

[The couple grin as the inspector grins and then puts on a blank look.]

Pardo: Yes, no more hassles, no jet lag, no sunburns!

Husband: And you don’t even have to get vaccinated!

Wife: And you don’t even have to put clothes in your luggage!

Pardo: That’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “815 E. 33RD STREET” across the bottom of the screen as the husband and wife kiss.]

Pardo: Located in midtown Manhattan! Convenient to all subway and bus terminals!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW,” as the couple smile happily for the camera.]

[DISSOLVE to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Knows Norm Crosby”]

[FADE to BLACK]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Goodnights

…..Chevy Chase
…..Peter Cook
…..Dudley Moore

[ return from final bumper to Peter Cook and Dudley Moore standing with Chevy Chase behind the wooden crate with the bomb package at Home Base ]

Dudley Moore: For those of you who missed the front of the show, we’d like to reconstruct it for you — correctly.

[ Chevy takes out a pair of scissors from his bag and cuts the string on the box ]

Chevy Chase: This is a bomb.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: [ pointing with his lit cigarette ] Bomb!

[ from within the box, a hand rises slowly as it holds the cream pie steady ]

[ Dudley Moore carefully takes the cream pie into his hand ]

Dudley Moore: Bomb.

[ with accurate precision, Dudley Moore balances the cream pie upright and pushes it into Chevy’s face ]

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Peter Cook squooshes the cream pie farther into Chevy’s face ]

Dudley Moore: Thank you very much!

[ as Chevy removes the cream pie from his face, John Belushi emerges from beneath the crate ]

[ Chevy shakes Peter Cook’s hand, then shoves the remnants of the cream pie into Peter Cook’s face; in kind, Peter pretends to suckerpunch Chevy and chase him across the stage ]

[ as pieces of the cream pie continue to be tossed about, Dudley Moore, in long shot, inaudibly addresses the camera ]

Dudley Moore: — with Dick Cavett, with guest star Jimmy Cliff. [ he then whistles loudly, as an offscreen audience members tosses a leftover piece of cream pie at his back, then another piece near his rear end ]

[ the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Jerry Nelson was Muppet Scred. Also in the cast: George Coe. Next week, our host will be Dick Cavett and guest Jimmy Cliff. This is Don Pardo saying, “Good night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Lifer Follies

Warden…..George Coe
Director…..Peter Cook
Assistant…..Gilda Radner
First Prisoner…..Dan Aykroyd
Second Prisoner…..Chevy Chase
Third Prisoner…..Garrett Morris
Fourth Prisoner…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, Warden’s Office ]

Warden: Well, I am aware of the success of this program in English prisons, and I’m certain we can make it work here. I must say I am impressed with your credentials. It’s not often that a maximum security institution in the middle of Utah gets a full-fledged director from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts to direct the annual prison show.

Director: Thank you, Warden. To my way of thinking, there is no better therapy for the man on death row than to work with his fellow lifer in harmony, for the enjoyment of all his neighbors. It seems to make life in these dismal places more tolerable for all. This is my assistant, Miss Thompson, who will take notes during the auditions. [ points to his Assistant ]

Warden: How do you do, Miss Thompson?

Assistant: Hello.

Warden: [ to the Director ]

Director: What play are you planning to have the men put on?

Director: “Gigi”.

Warden: I beg your pardon?

Director: “Gigi”.

Warden: I see. Well, there are seventy-three lifers here, each waiting to show you his particular talent. I don’t suppose I have to remind you that these are desperate men, Mr. Marley. most of them would kill to get into this production.

Director: [ chuckling ] And many of them have.. ha, ha ha..

Warden: Miss Thompson, at the risk of being rude, I would suggest you button the top button of your blouse. Some of these men have not seen a woman in fifteen years.

Director: We’re ready. Could we see the first prisoner?

Warden: [ nods, opens door to let in first prisoner ] Name?

First Prisoner: I’m Boyd Norman, 11764. I’m a structural steel engineer from Whitburn, Arizona, I’m glad to be here, and I’m serving twenty-five consecutive sentences of fifty years each.

Director: Ah, yes, Boyd, it says here that you stepped into a fmaily reunion with a flamethrower.

First Prisoner: Yes, I torched the whole place. Aunts, uncles, kids, cousins, sisters-in-law, nephew, nieces, wife, twenty-seven of them.

Director: I don’t imagine you get much mail.

First Prisoner: Now, I’ll tell you quite honestly, I know what I did. I participated actively in my own trial, acting as a witness for the defense and the prosecution. I set several legal precedents when I conducted a battery of simple psychological word cue tests on myself in court. I have a good grasp of current trends in psychiatry and psychopathology, and I’m going to be quite frank with you here, I’m glad I’m locked up. I’m glad you’re here, too, it’s about time we got a dose of culture around here for a change.

Director: And what will your audition piece be?

First Prisoner: Well, I dance with insects. I’ve studied zoology while I’ve been here, and I have some common household roaches here – Cuca blatteria, as they are called – and I’m just gonna lay them out here and sing a number from the show “The Night They Invented Champagne”. And And I’ve trained them.. [ takes bugs out of jar and puts them on the floor, then starts to sing and dance and kill the bugs by jumping on them ] Igot plenty more! [ puts another bug on the floor, still singing and dancing and killing the bug deliberately ] You know, what’s great is when you crush their prothorax. [ puts another bug on the floor and tries to crush it ] You ain’t even gonna get an inch.. you ain’t even gonna get an inch! [ two guards start to drag him out ] I swallow chihuahuas whole!!

Director: Very good physical presence. I think we might use him in the chorus.

Warden: Next! [ Second Prisoner enters ] Name?

Second Prisoner: Clyde, Sankyou.

Director: Sankyou. It says here you are serving a life sentence for kidnapping a family of four, child molestation, impersonating an officer of the Coast Guard, and setting fire to the only exisitng answer print of “To Sir With Love”.

Second Prisoner: Yes, sir.

Director: What are you going to di for us, Mr. Sankyou?

Second Prisoner: I’d like to tell a joke, and then I thought I might play “Moon River” on the harmonica.

Director: Well, that would be nice.

Second Prisoner: Yes, well, sir, the joke requires a bit of audience participation. So, if you wouldn’t mind, would you repeat my name again for me?

Director: Alright.. Clyde Sankyou.

Second Prisoner: You’re welcome. Ha, ha!

[ Assistant laughs uncontrollably. Second Prisoner plays “Moon River” on harmonica, then suddenly stops playing and lunges for the Assistant. Everyone screams and pulls him off. ]

Director: I suppose that was part of the audience participation?

Second Prisoner: Sir, if I may redeem myself, I understand the play you’re doing is “Gigi”. I thought I might sing one of the songs from the original show.

Director: Go ahead, Mr. Sankyou.

Second Prisoner: You’re welcome. [ sings ]

“Thank heaven for little girls,
For little girls wear tiny underpants,
And sometimes they pull their dresses over their heads,
And they go walking in a deserted lot without anyone else around..”

[ Second Prisoner lunges for Assistant again, as the guards drag him out of the office ]

Director: We’ll be in touch, Mr. Sankyou.

Warden: Terribly sorry.

Director: Quite alright. May we see the next man, please?

[ Third Prisoner enters ]

Assistant: Name?

Third Prisoner: Garrett Johnson.

Director: It says here, Mr. Johnson, that you are serving a life sentence for first degree murder and insulting an officer of the law.

Third Prisoner: That’s right.

Director: What are you going to do for us today?

Third Prisoner: I’ve been in dolitary for years now, and I’ve studied and developed my talent for writing music, and I’ve written lots of songs. Here’s a song I’m gonna sing which is the sum of my philosophy. [ sings ]

“I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see,
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
When I kill all the whities I see, then whitey he won’t bother me,
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
Then I’ll get a white woman who’s wearing a navy blue sweater..”

[ Guards pull him away ]

I belong to AFTRA!

Director: Wonderful sense of rhythm.

Warden: Next, please!

[ Fourth Prisoner enters with pianist ]

Warden: This is Mike “The Chef” Pontrello, alias Phil Harmonica, alias Johnny Bananas, alias Wesley Cunningham Aylsworth III.

Assistant: Name?

Fourth Prisoner: Steve Beshakas.

Warden: He is serving a life sentence for killing forty-three people at point blank range.

Fourth Prisoner: I was cleaning mygun. It was an accident. But the past is the past, and I believe I should be in this year’s show because..well, I think this song says it all, and I’d like to dedicate it to all the wonderful people on the parole board. I’m not just saying that ’cause the warden’s here. I mean it. By the way, I think the warden is doing one heck of a job. He’s a great guy – let’s hear it for the warden. [ everyone claps, as he begins to sing ]

“That’s life – that’s what all the people say
You’re ridin’ high in April, shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune
When I’m back on top, back on top in June
That’s life, I can’t deny it,
I thought of quittin’ out, but my heart just won’t buy it
If I didn’t think it was worth a try,
I’d roll myself up in a big ball and die..”

[ Fourth Prisoner suddenly rolls onto the floor, then jumps up and lunges for the Director, trying to kiss him. The guards pull him off and drag him away ]

Fourth Prisoner: I’m gonna kill you! I love you!

Director: [ to Warden ] I think we’ve found our Gigi.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s Monologue

… Peter Cook
… Dudley Moore

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore!

Peter Cook: Thank you!

Dudley Moore: Thank you very much.

Peter Cook: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Uh, if there’s, uh, any confusion amongst you about which one of us is which …

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: … I think we ought to clear that up.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: I’m the, uh, I’m the tall one.

Dudley Moore: Good.

Peter Cook: And I’d also like to say something about the difference between English comedy and American comedy. We, uh, we tend not to have very many sort of zappy one-liners or anything like that.

Dudley Moore: No. It’s more sophisticated, you know, really. More, um… understated.

Peter Cook: Well, it’s more understated, I’d say.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: Very understated, very subtle.

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: In fact, we’ve been here two years performing without a laugh.

Dudley Moore: Right. Right, and in fact I – I – I would think probably very few of you realize that we – we’ve cracked three wonderful jokes during these last few seconds. You see?

Peter Cook: It’s probably the sort of joke which will sink in about half an hour later.

Dudley Moore: Right, it’ll just grow and then people’ll be falling off their seats, you know.

Peter Cook: And just – just – just cracking up.

Dudley Moore: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter Cook: Anyhow, I think we should give an example of the sophisticated, understated English humor.

Dudley Moore: Why not? I’ll – I’ll get into some things.

[Moore walks off, a red curtain slides into view as a backdrop, Cook retreats to the curtain.]

Peter Cook: He’s gonna get into some extremely sophisticated English costumes and we’ll move right along with this, uh, curtain or drape as you call it. The scene is set in a producer’s office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer’s office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg — the left one — tucked under the coat – he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]

Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.

Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore’s shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott’s the name, acting’s my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you’d like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his “stump” on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn’t help noticing — almost immediately — that you are a one-legged man.

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?

Peter Cook: When you’ve been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter… are applying for the role.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley Moore: The leg division?

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It’s a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, “Hello! What alovely leg for the role!”

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I’ve got nothing against your right leg.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is — neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

Dudley Moore: You mean it’s inadequate?

Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready …

Dudley Moore: No?

Peter Cook: … for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting “Hello, Jane.”

Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

Peter Cook: But don’t despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

Dudley Moore: Well, I’ve got twice as many.

Peter Cook: You’re streets ahead!

Dudley Moore: So there’s still hope?

Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type ofartiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

Peter Cook: I’m just sorry I can’t be more definite at this stage.

Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!

Peter Cook: But you must understand … these days. We’ve so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can’t afford…

[Applause drowns out some of Cook’s parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Richard Pryor Stand-Up

…..Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor: The pictures, uh, the pictures that you saw on the TV between the commercials — that’s my family. That was my grandmother, the last one.[Applause.] I didn’t want you to think I was sellin’ my family or nothin’, you know. Grandmother raised me, you know, used to send me to church and stuff so I’d be good. But I liked to hang with the winos. I did.’Cause winos know Jesus personally. Very religious, you know. Every wino, you ask ’em, “Where’s Jesus?”[imitates a screaming wino] “JESUS! HE LIVE OVER IN THE PROJECTS!” And I’d stand around watchin’ ’em direct traffic early Sunday morning. Winos are great at directin’ traffic, you know.

[as the wino, whistles] “HEY, FOOL! YOU BETTER SLOW THAT CAR DOWN! DON’T COME DRIVING DOWN THROUGH HERE LIKE YOU CRAZY! THIS A NEIGHBORHOOD — THIS AIN’T NO RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT! You could have killed that sign, anything! I ain’t a-playin’ with you. I’ll put a hurtin’ on you, boy. Mess with me. [mumbling to himself, he mimes pulling a bottle from his back pocket, has trouble unscrewing the top] Damn! [drinks, makes a face] Whoooo! Buddy, buddy! [screws the top back on and pockets the bottle while singingwordlessly] Jesus on my mind! [puts index finger to the side of his nose and blows, repeats with the other index finger, gets snot on sleeve, wipes it off on his pants, shakes his head sadly] I ain’t good as I used to be. [sees something and points] Now, look at him, look at that boy over there, standin’ in the middle of the street. Boy’s a stone junkie. Look at him. Used to be a genius. Used to book the numbers, didn’t need paper or pencil. Look at him. Now he can’t remember who he is. [whistles] Hey, Junior! GET OUT OF THE STREET, BOY! N****, YOU AIN’T NO STOP SIGN! GET OFF THE STREET! JUNIOR!”

[imitates the junkie, mouth open, head thrown back, face to the sky, straightens up, looks around in a panicked daze] “What’s happenin’?! Hey! What’shappenin’?! I know somethin’ happenin’ ’cause everything movin’. HEY, OLD DUDE! Pops! You got anything? I feel bad enough to drink some milk.”

[as the wino] “Yeah, I got somethin’ for ya, boy! Come on off that street. That narcotic done made you null and void. Come here, boy. Come here. Nasty, stinkin’ devil, you. When you get a job, boy, go to work?”

[as the junkie] “Get a job? Go to work? You talkin’ to the kid, baby. I worked five years in a row when I was in the joint. I did a nickel, baby. And I can work my tail off, man, pressin’ license plates. That’s right. But where n*****s gonna get a job out here pressin’ license plates? Huh? I went to the unemployment bureau… Damn, baby. [falls asleep on his feet, the audience applauds, and Pryor abruptly wakes up, confused]Was I through? [after a pause, resumes his story] I walked to the unemployment bureau, walked downtown –clean, you know what I mean? Walked up to the lady sittin’ in there with an ol’ tiara on her head, typin’ tip tip tip tip tip. I said, HEY! She said: [woman’svoice] ‘Ooh ooh!’ I say, Hey! What’s happenin’? She looked at my paper: [woman’s voice] ‘You got a criminal record!’ I said I know that! I’m a criminal! Tell me somethin’ I don’t know. Like where I’m gonna get a job pressin’ license plates. I slapped you know what. She got all upset. [woman’s voice] ‘Oooh ooh ooh ooh! Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me!’ I say, I ain’t gonna– Be cool, old lady — you know? I ain’t gonna take no bust for no old lady. Old n****r with a gun down there come on: [voice of a cranky old man, slapping his holstered gun with his hand] ‘Hey, what’s the trouble, buddy? Come on, what’s going on? What’s the trouble?’ Hey, YOU the trouble, Tex! Who you supposed to be? Jesse James? Made me sick, man. I threw up on the floor. He talkin’ ’bout: [cranky old man’s voice] ‘Clean it up, baby, clean it up.’ I ain’t cleanin’ no nothin’. If I’d a-wanted it, I’d a-kept it! [Applause.] But I’m hurtin’, baby, you know? I went home, ya’ know. Mama called me a dog. Ma dear, she did. Daddy say he don’t wanna see me in the vicinity. Just ’cause I stole his television. Wasn’t nothin’ on it. Can you help me out, old dude? Please? I’m sick, man. [sings weakly] Help me make it through the night.

[as the wino] “I’m gonna help you, boy. ‘Cause I believe you got potential. That’s right, you can be somebody ’cause you’re sharp, know what I mean? [takesout bottle, unscrews it, hands it to the junkie] Try some o’ that. Don’t you drop it, n***r! Put … Slowdown. Just take a sip! Go ahead. [watches junkie take a long swallow] You know somethin’ about football, don’t you? PASS IT! [applause, takes the bottle, wipesrim] You know what your problem is? You don’t know how to deal with the white man! You got a white man complex. I know how to deal with him. That’s why I’m in the position I’m in today.” [drinks from the bottle, makes a face, screws the top back on, and pockets it] Thank you. [Much applause.]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Black Takeover

Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Daughter…..Gilda Radner/Annazette Chase
Mom…..Jane Curtin/Kathy McKee
Son…..John Belushi/Richard Pryor

[ open on a white suburban family talking over dinner ]

Dad: ..And the point is, that they are taking over! First they bought the Sweeney’s house, and they bought the Thomason’s house, and then they bought the Smith’s! Let’s face facts here, they’re taking over, I’m telling you!

[ phone rings ]

Daughter: I’ll get it! [ jumps out of chair ]

Mom: No phone conversatons during dinner, Polly, you know that.

Daughter: [ whining ] Oh, come on, Mom! I just know it’s Steven! I just know he’s gonna ask me to the Christmas dance! He’s the captain of the football team, and I just know he’ll ask Judy Irving if I don’t go, and it’ll just ruin my life!

Daughter: Oh, okay.. But make it fast before your fruited jellogets cold!

[ Daughter runs for the phone ]

Dad: [ still ranting ] They’re taking over! Like some kind of flu bug! First one guy at the office is up with the runs, and then it starts to spread!

Son: [ holding empty milk pitcher ] Mom? Dad? Would anybody else like some fresh, whole milk?

Mom: No thank you, Scotty.

Son: You mind if I be excused from the table?

Mom: Go right ahead.

Son: Thanks! [ exits dining room ]

Dad: That is what this black thing is like! It’s just like the runs! It’s like some kind of bug! It’s everywhere you look, and there’s nowhere you can go except for the solace of your own bathroom!

[ Daughter returns to the room, happy and black ]

Daughter: Oh, Mom! He asked me!

Mom: Do we interrupt when your father is talking, Polly?

Daughter: [ sullen ] I’m sorry.. [ sits down ]

Dad: [ not noticing his daughter ] It’s scary, that’s all, it just scares me! One day you’re living next door to one, and the next day you are working for one!

[ Son returns with empty milk pitcher, and black skin ]

Son: Sorry, Mom, but I just spilled some milk on your counter..

Mom: [ upset ] The counter that I just cleaned and shined in one motion?!

Son: Gee, Mom.. holy creepers! I’ll go clean it up..

Mom: No, Scotty, I’ll get it, it’s woman’s work.. [ retreats tokitchen ]

Son: Thanks, Mom. [ sits ]

Dad: One day one’s Governor, next day one’s President, next day one’s.. Barbra Streisand.. I don’t know..

[ Mom returns to the table, also black ]

Mom: Oh, thank goodness. the shine is still there. Now, what were you saying, dear?

Dad: I was saying that they are taking over! I can see it happeneing all around me! I know, I’ve got eyes, I can see! [ fails to notice his family has turned black ] Scotty, would you, uh.. pass the grits, please..?

[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Japanese Joke Jackets: Three Sleeves And None Of Them Work!” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the telephone ] No.. I love it when you make noise. Remember when.. [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Secretary of State Henry Kissinger stated today that he is tired of using his silly accent in public, and will speak in English. This will in no way effect the content of what he has been saying.

In spite of recent allegations of rampant homosexual activities in theprofessional sports world, from hockey to harness racing, many team owners and executives deny the existence of such practices. Commissioner of Baseball, Bowie Kuhn, and NFL Head, Pete Rozelle, could not be reached for comment this weekend, in the Bridal Suite of the Americana Hotel.

In a speech to the Athens, Georgia, Chamber of Commerce, presidential contender George Wallace said, “I don’t judge a man by the color of his skin. I judge him according to how well you can see him in the dark when he smiles.”

Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: I’m here tonight to speak out against busting schoolchildren. Busting schoolchildren is a terrible, terrible thing. I hear this is going on all over the country. Mean policemen arrest little children and put them in jail in the wrong neighborhood, so they can’t even play with their little friends. Imagine, busting schoolchildren! The food in jail isn’t good, and even though they get bread, I don’t believe they can get toast. Or nice cake. Now, who will tuck them in? Where will they hang their leggings? Where will they set up their little lemonade stands? Well, they don’t have toys in jail, except maybe..

Chevy Chase: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. The editorial was on bussing schoolchildren. Bussing. Not busting.

Emily Litella: Oh. I’m sorry. Never mind.

UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charity’s new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, “Let’s kill the Arabs and take their oil!”

Chevy Chase: Our final story tonight: Frank Sinatra celebrated his 60th birthday this week, with a party aboard his luxury yacht, the S.S. Hoboken. One humorous note: a minor accident occured when the yacht struck an autograph seeker who was swimming toward it. Always the joker, ol’ Blue Eyes chuckled later, “Well, I guess it’s simply another case of the ship hitting the fan.” No damage to the yacht; the swimmer was killed instantly.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. [ Garrett’s face appears in a circle to Chevy’s right ] “Our top story tonight..”

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] “Our top story tonight..!”

Chevy Chase: “..Generallissimo Francisco Franco..”

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] “..Generallissimo Francisco Franco..!”

Chevy Chase: “..is still dead.”

Garrett Morris: “..is still dead!”

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-special-deals-.html

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:



A Film By:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

December 20th, 1975

Candice Bergen

Martha Reeves

The Stylistics

The Muppets

Margaret Kuhn

Gary Weis

Joe Dicso

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura

Michael O’Donoghue
Christmas Eve at the White HouseSummary: President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) delivers a fireside chat, trims the Christmas tree and takes a fall.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Transcript

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candace Bergen has decided to host “SNL” again as a Christmas present to herself.

Also Hosted: 75d, 75j, 87e, 89t.

Transcript

Martha Reeves performs “Higher & Higher”Bio: Martha Reeves (1941-) was the former lead singer of The Vandellas during the 60’s.

Mel’s Char PalaceSummary: Mel (Dan Aykroyd) lets you cut the cows into your own steak.

Recurring Characters: Mel.

Transcript

Billy’s Call HomeSummary: Billy (Chevy Chase) calls his parents to say he’s guilty of 26 counts of murder.

Transcript

Home MoviesSummary: Candice Bergen invites viewers to send in their home movies for free.

Transcript

Bee CapadesSummary: In an SNL home film, Candice Bergen and The Bees ice skate outside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift CatalogSummary: This segment’s selection is a digital clock.

Transcript

The Stylistics perform “You Make Me Feel Brand New”Bio: The Stylistics are James Dunn, Airrion Love, Herb Murrell, James Smith, and Russell Thompkins, Jr. The soul quintent had 12 straight Top Ten hits in the early 70’s.

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

The ElfSummary: A woman (Candice Bergen) learns that her brother (Chevy Chase) is an elf.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman reports on the celebration in Times Square eleven days before New Year’s. A wrong number leads Chevy Chase to Angelo’s Pizza instead of Angola Prison. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) gives an editorial response to say that she’s against “firing” the handicapped. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Tarn-OffSummary: The cleansing agent Princess Grace (Candice Bergen) uses to sparkle her jewels.

Transcript

The LaundromatSummary: Sparks fly between a man (John Belushi) and a woman (Gilda Radner) when they combine their clothes and share a washing machine.

Transcript

PongSummary: Al Franken deduces that self-proclaimed “Pinball Wizard” Tom Davis fares poorly at Pong.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: King Ploobis’ Christmas party is a bust until Candice Bergen arrives and sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” with him and Scred.

Transcript

Mel’s Char Palace IISummary: Mel (Dan Aykroyd) & Mrs. Mel (Gilda Radner) advertise again.

Recurring Characters: Mel, Mrs. Mel.

Transcript

Candice Bergen and the cast perform “Winter Wonderland”

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalog IISummary: Another selection from the Don Pardo line of digital gifts.

Minute MysterySummary: Mike Mendoza (Dan Aykroyd) fails to suspect a sexy woman (Candice Bergen) of this week’s crime.

Recurring Characters: Mike Mendoza.

Transcript

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalog IIISummary: Yet another selection from the Don Pardo line of digital gifts.

Martha Reeves performs “Silver Bells”

What Gilda AteSummary: Gilda Radner relays last Christmas’ strange appetite cravings.

Transcript

The Fritzie Kringle ShowSummary: Fritzie Kringle (Laraine Newman) eats her ingredients prematurely.

Mel’s Char Palace IIISummary: A final ad for Mel’s Char Palace.

Recurring Characters: Mel.

Transcript

Margaret KuhnSummary: Margaret Kuhn says “getting old is nothing to be afraid of.”

Bio: Margaret Kuhn (1905-95) actively fought for the rights of the elderly after she was forced to retire in 1970 at the age of 65. She founded the Gray Panthers in Philadelphia in 1971, and was given the Humanist of the Year award in 1978.

“Homeward Bound”Summary: Gary Weis film uses Simon & Garfunkel soundtrack to show travelers coming home to their families at Christmas.

Bio: A regular contributor of short films on “Saturday Night Live” during its first three seasons, Gary Weis also produced and directed the 1978 Rutles film “All You Need Is Cash.”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Bee Capades

….. Candice Bergen
….. Chevy Chase
Bees ….. Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Anne Beatts, Tom Schiller, Neil Levy, Akira Yoshimura, Tom Davis, Al Franken, Rosie Shuster

[ TITLE CARD – “BEE CAPADES” in white letters on a red background with an illustration of a skating bee ]

[ DISSOLVE to a still shot of Candice Bergen on the ice rink ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): There you are.

Candice Bergen (V/O): Oh, that’s me!

[ DISSOLVE to a high angle shot on the 13 Bees lined up in two rows at an angle, with Candice skating down the middle ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Yup, and there are the Bees forming a traditional Christmas tree with you skating in the middle. Of course, we had a high angle on all of these.

[ CUT to a closer shot of Candice and the Bees. Al Franken falls down as the other Bees start skating ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): There you are again, Candice.

[ CUT to a wide shot of the Bees going into a formation. Even when they are in formation, it is impossible to tell what they are portraying ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Now, the Bees are going into a formation here…we lost our picture above…I believe they were doing a formation describing cranberry sauce.

[ CUT to a close, panning shot of Bees Al Franken, John Belushi, Akira Yoshimura, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Anne Beatts in formation. Candice is shown applauding the Bees ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Mm-hm, there’s you again.

[ CUT to another high angle shot of the Bees going into formation ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): And here comes the famous nativity tableaux.

[ CUT to a close-up of Candice striking a pose ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): We had such a beautiful angle from…there’s you again.

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me, yes.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[ The Bees going into their nativity scene is shown again at half the speed, making it somewhat clearer what they were trying to convey ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): The nativity tableaux by the Bees. But we lost the picture above the, uh…but you can sort of get a picture of it here. They move very gracefully, with the precision of army ants. And there’s you.

Candice Bergen (V/O): Yes, yes, that’s me.

[ DISSOLVE to the Bees going into another formation in a series of medium shots ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Undauntingly beautiful…here comes their fourth formation. Now, none of us could figure this out from the ice if you could remember.

[ A shot of Candice posing is shows ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Yes, that’s you again. However, from above none of us could figure this out. So they immediatly went into their fourth formation. There you have it.

[ After the Bees create their incomprehensible fourth formation, Candice strikes a pose in a close-up ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): There’s you.

[ The Bees start skating again ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): And I believe what they were trying to do here was spell something out. I think it was “mistletoe” or “edeste fidelis”…

[ The footage of the Bees going into their fourth formation is repeated ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): …but they went back into the exact same formation here from some strange reason.

[ Yet another close-up of Candice is shown ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me again.

Chevy Chase (V/O): There’s you.

[ Closer shots of the Bees skating. Chevy Chase can be seen in his Bee costume ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Now, we got our picture back here, I remember…there’s me…and the Bees did a tribute to their trainer Leon.

[ An aerial shot shows the Bees lying down on the ice spelling out “NOEL”. The audience appluads ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): That’s about it.

[ The camera pans upwards to the Rockefeller Christmas tree and zooms into the star at the top ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Isn’t that beautiful and Christmassy?

Candice Bergen (V/O): It’s gorgeous.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Just two minutes.

[ DISSOLVE to a still shot of Candice skating in front of Bees Tom Schiller, John Belushi, and Dan Aykroyd ]

[ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Billy’s Call Home

Mom ….. Jane Curtin
Dad ….. Dan Aykroyd
Billy ….. Chevy Chase
Officer ….. Garrett Morris

[ FADE IN on a middle-aged Southern couple in their living room reading quietly. The mom checks her watch angrily ]

Mom: Where is Billy? It’s 10:30 and he’s got school tomorrow!

Dad: Oh, that’s okay. He told me he’s helping that nice Mr. Eli out with the candy sales. He’ll be home.

Mom: Yeah, and young Clyde Merribell’s been missing for three weeks! I want Billy home on time.

[ The phone rings and the father answers it ]

Dad: Hello?

Billy’s voice on phone: Dad?

Dad: Billy? Are you all right, son?

[ CUT to Billy on the telephone, seated in an office with a police officer staring pensively at him ]

Billy: Uh, I’m down at the police station, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Well son, you couldn’t have done anything too serious. You’d never believe some of the stuff I did when I was your age. What are you accused of now, Billy?

Billy: Murder.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is that Billy? Is he all right?

Dad: Billy’s in a little trouble now, mother. Now Billy, uh, uh, everything’s gonna be all right. Your mother and I’ll help you out. We’ll get a lawyer down there, spend any money in the world to get a lawyer to prove your innocence, Billy.

Billy’s voice on phone: Well, I’m guilty, dad.

Dad: (clears throat) Well…uh, uh…your mother and I love you very much, son, and we’ll do anything we can to help, and I’m sure that whatever you did there you did for a good reason. And, and you’re a good boy.

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: No, I’m not. See, I helped kill 26 boys.

Dad’s voice on phone: Uh, 26 boys?

Billy: Well, I picked up some hitch hikers and brought them over to a party at Mr Eli’s. And, well, they sniffed glue and, uh, we had this makeshift plywood stake…

Dad’s voice on phone: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on now. Now don’t you blurt anything out there till we get a lawyer down there.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is he hurt?

Dad: Wait, mama, wait. Billy’s in a little trouble now. I’ll tell you when I get off. Now, now, Billy, uh…we’re gonna come down there with a lawyer and your mother and I love you, and…be brave! Keep your chin up, all right son?

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: All right, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Okay, bye bye now, son.

Billy: Bye.

[ CUT back to the house where Dad hangs up the phone ]

Mom: It isn’t mari-huana, is it?

Dad: No, it’s not marijuana, mom.

Mom: Oh, thank the Lord!

[ They resume reading as the camera pulls back ]

[ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts