For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem
Goodnights
…..Kerry Washington
Kerry Washington: Thanks to Eminem! The Rev. Al Sharpton! Rick Rubin! Skylar Grey! To Lorne Michaels: Thank you so much, this has been the MOST AMAZING WEEK! Thank you, everybody! The whole cast and crew, YOU ROOOOOOOOOOCCCKKK!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem
Ice Cream
Clerk….Kyle Mooney
Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Manager…..Taran Killam
Paramedics…..Kenan Thompson, Kate McKinnon, Noel Wells, Jay Pharoah
[ open on ice cream shop, as a couple walks up to the counter ]
Clerk: What can I get for you guys?
Woman: Can I have a scoop of vanilla and chocolate chip?
Man: And I’ll have a waffle cone with… cookies and cream annnnnnd… chocolate peanut butter. Oh — and we’re also gonna need, uh, two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done!
[ she laughs with him ]
[ Clerk stares at them blankly ]
Man: Just because of all the sugar. You know? It’s just a joke.
[ Clerk stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what’s going through his mind: introspective scenery of walking along the riverbank and contemplating it all ]
Man V/O: Oh, we’re also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done! [ he laughs ] Just because of all the sugar… Of all the sugar… Of all the sugar…
[ scene morphs back into the ice cream shop ]
Man: Sorry, didn’t mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine.
Clerk: Uhhh…
[ Clerk stares blankly, then the scene morphs to him perusing books at the library, performing math calculations, trying to digest as much information as he can ]
Man V/O: Sorry, didn’t mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine. I’ll have a waffle cone with cookies and cream… and chocolate peanut butter. We’re also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done.
[ back at the ice cream shop, Clerk has an out-of-body experience and appears behind the couple ]
Man: It’s just a joke…
[ the Manager walks up ]
Manager: Is everything okay here, folks?
Man: Uh, no — not really. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here. But it was just a joke!
Woman: Yeah!
[ the Manager also stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what’s going through his mind: seeking information at the library with the Clerk, then an out-of-body experience of his own ]
Man V/O: I joked about ordering so much ice cream, that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here.
Manager V/O: Is everything alright here?
Man V/O: No, everything’s not okay. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances…
[ the Manager and Clerk test the ice cream for sugar intake, eventually going so far as to require assistance from paramedics, who burst into the ice cream shop in real-time to revive them, as the stunned couple watch ]
Paramedics: Hey, what the hell happened here?!
Man: Nothing! We were just ORDERING ice cream, and then I made a JOKE about needing tow ambulances to take us out of here!
[ the paramedics laugh, then turn sour ]
[ suddenly, the Manager chokes up his waffle cone and smiles ]
Manager: Oh, I get it!
[ the Man throws his arms up in defeat ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem
Kerry Washington’s Monologue
…..Kerry Washington
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kerry Washington!
Kerry Washington: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much! Thanks! It’s been GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. For the past few years, I’ve been starring in the show “Scandal”. [ the audience cheers ] Thank you! In which I play Olivia Pope, a Washington “fixer” who protects the reputations of the political elite. [ show still ] Here I am with Tony Goldwyn, who plays the President of the United States. and I am so proud to be on a show that, in 2013, has the courage to cast a white man as President. Anyway, it’s fun to play a strong, fearless woman, who’s not afraid to constantly drink red wine in a white pantsuit, and I —
[ Bobby Moynihan runs up to the stage ]
Bobby Moynihan: Olivia!
Kerry Washington: Hi, Bobby. It’s Kerry, actually. We talked about this.
Bobby Moynihan: Whatever! Listen, I need your help! The press has obtained some compromising photos of me in bed with my girlfriend.
Kerry Washington: That doesn’t sound too bad.
Bobby Moynihan: Well, she’s asleep, and I’m eating, like, a whole cookie cake.
Kerry Washington: Okay. That is bad. Here’s what you’re gonna do: Put your Social Security Number and a check in my dressing room, and I’ll take care of it.
Bobby Moynihan: Okay. How much will this cost me?
Kerry Washington: Whatever you think your reputation is worth, Moynihan!
Bobby Moynihan: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Oh! Okay, I can afford that!
[ he rushes off ]
Kerry Washington: It is SO great to be back here in New York. You know, I moved to L.A. for the show, so it’s really nice to —
[ Vanessa Bayer steps forward ]
Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah! New York! Cool! Um, hey — I heard that you fix problems?
Kerry Washington: Yeah, Vanessa, what’s going on?
Vanessa Bayer: Okay. Well, I was out last night, at “Da Club”, and, uh… I may have punched a bouncer.
Kerry Washington: Okay, you need to leave town immediately.
Vanessa Bayer: Because I hit a bouncer…?
Kerry Washington: No! Because you call it “Da Club”! I’ll have my team get your papers together, and you’ll be on the FIRST flight out TONIGHT!
Vanessa Bayer: But who will play Miley?
Kerry Washington: Haven’t you played Miley enough lately?
Vanessa Bayer: Fine. Bye.
[ she exits the stage ]
Kerry Washington: Where was I? Oh, right! Okay. So it’s cool to be here. I grew up watching the show —
[ a bloodied Kenan Thompson step forward ]
Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kerry, how you doing!
Kerry Washington: Hey… Kenan. [ she notices his shirt ] Oh. Do you need my help with something?
Kenan Thompson: No, no, no! I’m good. I was just, uh, checking to see how you were doing.
Kerry Washington: Are you sure? Because you look like you might be in trouble.
Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeahhhh, there was something… What was my problem? Oh, yeah, yeah! I can’t find my car keys.
Kerry Washington: Did you check your pocket?
Kenan Thompson: [ he pats his pocket ] Oh! There they are…! Wow, thanks, Kerry! [ he glances down at his shirt ] Oh, wow, I’m covered in blood…
[ he exits the stage ]
Kerry Washington: We’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! Eminem is here, so stick around, and we’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem
Oval Office
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Press Secretary…..Taran Killam
Michelle Obama…..Kerry Washington
Oprah Winfrey…..Kerry Washington
Matthew McConaugheys…..Bobby Moynihan, Beck Bennett, John Milhiser, Kyle Mooney, Mike O’Brien, Brooks Wheelan
…..Rev. Al Sharpton
[ open on exterior, White House — Night ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Alright, now, uh… Give it to me straight.
Press Secretary: Well, Mr. President, uh… as your Press Secretary, I have to be honest: It has not been a good week. But, on the plus side, you have a state dinner tonight, and all of your biggest supporters are gonna be here.
[ Michelle Obama enters ]
Michelle Obama: Barack? I hope I’m not interrupting.
President Barack Obama: Uh, Michelle, uh… you’re never interrupting.
Press Secretary: Good to see you, Mrs. Obama. I’ll give you two a little privacy.
[ he exits ]
President Barack Obama: Michelle, it’s, uh… this is such a treat! I feel like, uhhh… I feel like it’s been YEARS since I’ve seen you!
Michelle Obama: It may feel that way — but I’m always here for you, and I always will be here for you.
[ Press Secretary re-enters ]
Press Secretary: I, um… I’m so sorry to interrupt. But Oprah Winfrey has arrived for the dinner, and she would LOVE to pop in and say Hello.
President Barack Obama: Well, then, that’s WONDERFUL!
Michelle Obama: What a nice surprise!
Press Secretary: Isn’t it? [ a beat ] So don’t you think you should… go and get changed? [ he chuckles embarrassedly ]
Michelle Obama: Why?
Press Secretary: So that… Oprah can come in?
[ it finally hits her ]
Michelle Obama: Oh. Because of the whole…?
Press Secretary: Yes, exactly! [ he laughs ]
Michelle Obama: And Kenan won’t…?
President Barack Obama: No.
Michelle Obama: Well… In that case, I will leave, and, in a few minutes, Oprah will be here!
Press Secretary: Thank you, Mrs. Obama! Thank you!
[ she exits ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The producers at “Saturday Night Live” would like to apologize to Kerry Washington for the number of black women she will be asked to play tonight. We made these requests both because Ms. Washington is an actress of considerable range and talent and also because “SNL” does not currently have a black woman in the cast. As for the latter reason, we agree this is not an ideal situation and look forward to rectifying it in the near future… unless, of course, we fall in love with another white guy first.
[ suddenly, Oprah Winfrey rushes into the Oval Office ]
Oprah Winfrey: I’m HEEEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEE!!
President Barack Obama: Oprah! I mean… It’s so good to see you! Uh, are you okay? You seem a little WINDED!
Oprah Winfrey: I ran here all the way from CHICAGOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
President Barack Obama: Well, uh… I’m so glad you did! So glad.
Press Secretary: Uh, Mr. President? Great news! Beyonce has just arrived for dinner, too!
President Barack Obama: Beyonce!
Oprah Winfrey: Don’t even!
Press Secretary: Um… She’d love to pop in and say Hello?
Oprah Winfrey: Is Jay-Z with her?
President Barack Obama: Uh… no! [ he shakes his head furiously ]
Oprah Winfrey: Okay. Well, then… I should get going!
Press Secretary: Ms. Winfrey!
[ she rushes out of the room ]
Press Secretary: Oh, man! Beyonce! That’s pretty cool.
President Barack Obama: Uhhh, yep! It’s cool.
Press Secretary: Oh! [ yelling toward the hall ] I hope she’s wearing that SPARKLY DRESS WITH ALL THE SEQUINS?!
Voice of Kerry Washington: She’s wearing a BATH ROBE!!!
Press Secretary: That’s good, too! That’s good, too. [ he checks his watch and tries to stall ] It’s such a nice office! [ he chuckles nervously ]
President Barack Obama: I mean, the BEST, huh? I don’t know why, uh, more offices aren’t oval.
Press Secretary: You know, I’ve thought that before!
President Barack Obama: So, uh… while we’re waiting, is, uh… is there anyone else out there?
Press Secretary: You know what? I’ll check. [ he runs toward the door ] Uhhhh, actually, uh… This is very, very exciting: There are SIX different Matthew McConaugheys!
[ he opens the door to let in the six Matthew McConaugheys ]
Matthew McConaugheys: Alright…! Alright…! Alright…! Alright…! Alright…!
President Barack Obama: Alright! I see this is gonna be a great party!
[ the camera pulls back, as Rev. Al Sharpton enters frame ]
Rev. Al Sharpton: Good evening, I’m the Rev. Al Sharpton! What have we learned from this sketch? As usual, NOTHING! “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 5
13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem
Miss Universe Moscow 2013
Thomas Roberts…..Taran Killam
Co-Host…..Nasim Pedrad
Miss Moldova…..Vanessa Bayer
Miss Spain…..Cecily Strong
Miss Uganda…..Kerry Washington
Miss Switzerland…..Noël Wells
Miss Greenland…..Addy Bryant
Miss Bolivia…..Kate McKinnon
(Logo)
Announcer: And Now, Live from Moscow, it’s the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant!
(The hosts enter, in evening wear.)
Thomas Roberts: Hello, hello, I’m Thomas Roberts from MSNBC.
Co-Host: And I’m someone from the E-Network. Boy, there are so many wonderful, incredible, amazing women here tonight.
Thomas Roberts: There sure are, and then, there are the contestants.
(They laugh, extremely fake.)
Co-Host: I don’t even
Thomas Roberts: I’m just reading from the prompter.
Co-Host: Okay. Of course, the big story tonight is the last minute inclusion of a few new countries to the pageant.
Thomas Roberts: Can the contestants from these less-developed nations handle the pressures of being on the world stage?
Co-Host: Speaking of which, here comes Miss Moldova now.
Thomas Roberts: Who is not supposed to be approaching us. Okay
(Miss Modolva, wearing a tacky 70s-style shag dress, steals the Co-Host’s microphone)
Miss Moldova: Okay, First of all, I am so much proud to win contest!
Co-Host: (Trying to grab back microphone) Oh no, you haven’t won yet
Miss Moldova: (Fighting her off) Okay I want to thank food for being backstage, I want to thank Prison, for, uh, taking my husband and making him a shell of a man, and uh
Co-Host: (Trying, again, to grab back the mic) Alright! Okay
Miss Moldova: (Wrestling it back) Okay, and I want to say to my ten children at home: Go to Bed! I am kidding. Is 2 am in Moldova. Go to Factory! Hahahaha! Okay! (she hands back the mic and is played off.)
Co-Host: Hmm. Well she’s a lot of misplaced enthusiasm.
Thomas Roberts: Indeed, and speaking of enthusiasm, it appears the talent portion of the show is about to begin with Miss Spain.
(Miss Spain enters and sings. About a line into her song, Miss Uganda wanders onstage, confused and angry.)
Miss Spain: (singing) Romanza .Romanza Romanza is romance to me .
(Miss Uganda grabs the mike. The music stops.)
Miss Uganda: What is this? This is not right. Why is she? What are they? Who is he? How is she? When are we?
Thomas Roberts: (Rushing on, as Miss Spain backs off): Uh, Miss Uganda, it’s not your turn exactly-
Miss Uganda: (Emphatically) How are they? When is she? Who is what? Why is where? What is how?
Thomas Roberts: Okay, well, you have to wait your turn, you see because –
Miss Uganda: I get here on MY OWN. No one break bank for me. I keep Dress. I KEEP DRESS!
(She storms off as the cohost enters.)
Thomas Roberts: Okay, Miss Uganda, everyone. She is keeping the dress.
Co-Host: Well, these fringe countries are certainly making an impact.
Thomas Roberts: Which is odd, because I thought fringe was out of fashion!
(They laugh, hugely forced)
Co-Host: I laughed because I hate silence.
(Suddenly Miss Boliva, her nose covered in White Powder, lurches on and grabs the Host’s microphone.)
Miss Bolivia: (Twitchy and coked-up) Okay, here we go, Party! Yeah! Everyone say party for Miss Bolivia tonight! WOOOO!
Thomas Roberts: Miss Bolivia, Miss Bolivia you –
Miss Bolivia: Yes! I want to thank the snakes for no biting me! I want to thank the river for only taking three children. Go river! And, I want to thank a kidnapper, for he say I pretty! Okay!
Co-Host: Okay
Miss Bolivia: And remember, like a tiger always say: Come into the Jungle, is fine. But is not fine, IS A TRAP!
(She gives the mic back and Passionately french-kisses the Co-Host. She walks off stage, giving the camera a thumbs-up.)
Co-Host: (Stunned) Wow! Wow, she has a really long tongue!
Thomas Roberts: Okay, Well here to get us back on track is a perennial finalist here at Miss Universe, Miss Switzerland.
(They exit. Miss Switzerland, a beautiful, demure blonde, enters to jazzy music.)
Miss Switzerland: My talent is my sit-up comedy! I have a joke I say: In Switzerland, we love cheese; unless you’re cutting it. Thank you!
(With a cry, Miss Greenland runs onstage and karate chops Miss Switzerland. She picks up the mic.)
Miss Greenland: I’m from North Greenland
Thomas Roberts: (Running On) Okay, Miss Greenland, you can’t –
Miss Greenland: Now there are three of us up there and I am the woman!
Thomas Roberts: (As the Co-Host enters) Alright but we don’t-We do not the other contestants!
Miss Greenland: (ignoring him) My Talent is that I can fit my entire hand and arm in my mouth. (She attempts to shove her hand in her mouth, to the shock and disgust of the hosts)
Thomas Roberts: Please don’t do that.
Co-Host: No no no.
Miss Greenland: I need someone to bring me a hammer so I can break my jaw with it!
Co-Host: You know what, let’s take a quick break, and let’s have you stand near the Off part of the stage!
(Miss Greenland, still attempting to shove her hand in her mouth, is escorted off by two officials. Miss Moldova, holding food, reenters)
Thomas Roberts: Yes please. Thank you miss- (Noticing Miss Moldova) Oh, she’s-
Miss Moldova: Hey, Donkey back in Moldova! Look who has bagel and grapes! Now maybe I ride YOU to work!
Miss Uganda: (Wandering on again and grabbing the Co-Host’s Mike) Who is this? Why is she?
Thomas Roberts: Here we go again.
Miss Uganda: How are they? What is me? When are who?
Thomas Roberts: Alright, we’ll be right back.
(fade)
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
November 16th 2013
Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga
None
R. Kelly
None CBC News Toronto
Summary: Canadian Governor Rob Ford (Bobby Moynihan) repeatedly apologizes for his credibility bungles.
Transcript
Montage
Lady Gaga’s Monologue
Summary: Attention-starved Lady Gaga parodies herself by singing “Cheap Applause”.
Paxil Second Term Strength
Summary: The anti-depressent that helps President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) cope with the scandals and calamaties of his second term in office.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, John Boehner.
Waking up with Kimye
Summary: Hosting their own morning talk show, Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) gab with an Apple technician (Lady Gaga) passing herself off as a genius.
Recurring Characters: Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Jenner.
Whaaat? Cover Songs
Summary: Adam Duritz (Taran Killam) promotes a compilation album of the worst cover songs of all time.
Recurring Characters: Adam Duritz, Nathan Lane, Susan Boyle, Lil Wayne, Britney Spears, Lana Del Ray.
Lady Gaga with R. Kelly performs “Do What U Want”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Cranky Mr. Senior (Kenan Thompson) insists that people wait for Thanksgiving to end before getting in the Christmas mood. Speech critic Jebidiah Atkinson (Taran Killam) refuses to retract his 1963 criticism of Abraham Lincoln, and has a few choice words about other political figures since.
Transcript
Co-Op Board
Summary: Hoping to move into a new apartment, a married couple (Beck Bennett, Vanessa Bayer) must endure personal questions from the building’s eccentric co-op members.
Transcript
Spotlightz Camp For Serious Child Actors
Summary: Laura Parsons (Vanessa Bayer) and other child actors perform scenes from Academy Award-winning films.
Recurring Characters: Laura Parsons.
Blockbuster
Summary: A group of Blockbuster employees mourn the closing of their store and stumble upon a makeshift island paradise filled with other former employees.
Lady Gaga performs “Gypsy”
Fourth Grade Pageant
Summary: Enthusiastic parents (John Milhiser, Lady Gaga) encourage their daughter’s fourth grade performance by gyrating the dance moves from within the audience.
2065
Summary: In the year 2065, an elderly Lady Gaga struggles to maintain relevancy in a world that has passed her by.
Rose Zone
Summary: Highlights of talk and reality shows are front and center for female viewers who only want to watch the good stuff.
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
Co-op Board
Co-op President…..Cecily Strong
Kevin…..Beck Bennett
Nancy…..Vanessa Bayer
Judy……Aidy Bryant
Sy…..Kyle Mooney
Roz…..Nasim Pedrad
Tenant #1…..Lady Gaga
Tenant #2…..Kate McKinnon
Ryan…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on co-op meeting ]
Co-op President: Welcome, Kevin and Nancy. So we’ve looked over your financials and your references, and they both look very good, so at this point, the only thing left before you become tenants in this building is today’s interview with our co-op board.
Kevin: Great!
Nancy: Exciting!
Co-op President: Now, I know everyone has New York Co-op Board horror stories, but I promise you we are a very laid-back bunch. And we’re gonna start with you, Judy.
Judy: Okay, I’m Judy, and this is my husband, Sy. Our apartment is next to yours, so our question is about noise. What is the volume of your lovemaking?
Kevin: [ confused ] I’m sorry?
Judy: Your lovemaking? Now, the walls are fairly THICK, so if it’s in this range… [ she moans softly ] We’re not gonna have a problem.
Sy: And if it’s a little louder, say: [ he moans slightly louder ] We’d also be fine with that!
Judy: Now, were it to get up here, like: [ they maon together at a slightly louder level still ] We’re still good with that!
Co-op President: Okay, guys, do you have a question?
Judy: Mmm, just a statement: The sky’s the limit.
Co-op President: Okay, alright, uh… Next question. Roz, you’re up.
Roz: Yes. Do you have pets?
Nancy: Yes, we have a dog.
Roz: And when your dog does his business, does he do it inside the house or outside the house?
Nancy: he does his business outside!
Roz: Well, that’s something your dog and I have in common!
Co-op President: Roz, do you have a question?
Roz: Yeah, where do we get our mail?!
Co-op President: Come on, Roz!
Tenant #1: I have a question. [ she stomps the table with her hands ] Have you seen the film “My Cousin Vinny”?
Kevin: Yes.
Nancy: Yeah.
Tenant #1: And do you by any chance know who Marisa Tomei’s character was based on?
Nancy: No. Um, who was she based on?
Tenant #1: I don’t know, I’m asking you.
Kevin: Oh. We don’t know.
Tenant #2: Oh! Question! Question! Do you have children? Because I have one! I just had her!
Nancy: Oh! Congratulations!
Tenant #2: Thank you very much! I love my REAL baby! [ she holds up a broccoli head ] Isn’t she beautiful? She gives my whole life meaning! And the BEST part is: Oh, you’re never alone when you have a baby!
Kevin: Uh… Well, that’s very nice, but we’re not quite ready to be parents — especially not in this apartment building.
Tenant #2: Well, don’t wait too long. You could wake up one day and find our you’re too OLD to have a baby! That almost happened to me! [ she takes a bite of her baby broccoli head ]
Co-op President: Alright, is there someone else here who has a question?
Ryan: Oh hey, guys. I’m Ryan, and I apologize for the eccentric behavior of the board.
Couple: That’s okay!
Ryan: I don’t really have a question. I just wanted to let you know that if you live here, there is private access to the garden. I have the key, so if you need it, just come to my apartment.
Nancy: Great! Thanks, Ryan.
Ryan: I keep the key on a chain… that I wear around my waist. It, uh — it hangs on a piece of thread… it’s around six inches long… and, uh, I tuck it behind something… just to keep it safe. And, you know, if I’m sleeping… just feel free to lift that something up and grab it.
Kevin: Oh. I, uh… I bet we won’t.
Ryan: Well. If you change your mind… it’s always behind my testicles.
Co-op President: Okay, that about wraps up our interview, and I think we all agree that you would be a perfect fit.
Nancy: Well, it is a great price… so I think we’re gonna move in!
Co-op President: Excellent! You can pick up your key from Ryan.
Ryan: Yes, I have your housekey! It’s on a different chain, that hangs from the back of my belt.
Nancy: Okay, goodbye.
Kevin: Goodbye!
[ they promptly make their exit ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
CBC News Toronto
Reporter…..Taran Killian
Rob Ford…..Bobby Moynihan
Drug Dealer…..Jay Pharaoh
Lara Logan…..Kate McKinnon
Announcer: You’re watching the Canadian Broadcasting Coporation. Thanks a bunch!
(CBC NEWS TORONTO LOG)
Reporter: (With a pronounced canadian accent) Good evening and welcome to CBC News Toronto. It’s been a tough week for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: an admission to smoking crack cocaine, a foul-mouthed press conference, and now the Toronto City Council has stripped him of some of his powers. He joins us tonight, thank you for being here, Mr. Mayor.
Rob Ford: (Staring bug-eyed at the Reporter) Course. Yah, thanks for havin’ me.
Reporter: So what do you have to say to the voters after this tumultuous week?
Rob Ford: Oooh, uh, Just that I goofed up, Eh? See, my face is as red as a Boxing Day ham. (He laughs)
Reporter: Now Mr. Mayor, many are calling for your resignation. Are you worried about your public image?
Rob Ford: Of course I am, but I feel like my public image is suffering because I don’t have any good photos, yaknow? So every time I’m in the news, yaknow, they show one where I’m all sweaty or red-faced or my neck is missing I just feel like I’d be better off if I had a good headshot, yaknow? Do you mind if I get one now, with your cameras? Would that be okay?
Reporter: Oh yah, yah sure. I’ll count ya down, alright? Three, Two, One
(Rob Ford poses for the camera, sticking his gut out and burying his head on his chest with a bug-eyed grimace so his double-chin bulges out.)
Rob Ford: Yep, I think we got it! Yah yah, I feel good about that one.
Reporter: Mr. Mayor, I have to say, I don’t think it’s just the pictures. You’ve also been caught on tape using lewd, inappropriate language with the Press.
Rob Ford: (Smoothing his tie) True, true, true, but yaknow, I did apologize for that with a preference earlier today.
Reporter: We have a video of that, let’s take a look.
(Cut to Rob Ford standing at a podium as flashbulbs go off.)
Rob Ford: I want to apologize for my recent actions and language. I have been VERY stressed and have made some VERY poor decisions. But I am sorry! (He pronounces it “Soary”) Oh and one more thing, I brought some chopstick for everybody, and I would love for you to put it on before you KISS MY FAT, FUCKING WHITE ASS!
(Cut back to the Interview, where Ford is shaking his head sadly)
Rob Ford: Yeah, I should not have said that part. I goofed up! (He laughs) But I realized that and apologized at a press conference just a few hours later.
Reporter: And we have video of that.
(Cut to another press conference)
Rob Ford: Again, I am soary for how I have been acting. It is not indicative of my position of Mayor in this great Town of Toronto.
(A man, concealing something in his coat, sidles up to the podium)
Dealer: (Softly in Ford’s ear) Hey man, I got what you asked for.
Rob Ford: (Sotto voice) Hey, Hey! Not here, ok? (Considers) Let’s do it under the desk.
Dealer: Okay.
(They duck partially out of view under the podium and hold a whispered conversation. Subtitles appear for their conversation.)
Dealer: This right here
Rob Ford: Mmmhm.
Dealer: Is grade A-Premium.
Rob Ford: No, don’t say what it is. Don’t say what it is.
Dealer: Alright well I got your stuff right here.
Rob Ford: Alright. Alright. (He opens the bag) WHOA! THAT’S A LOT OF CRACK!
(Cut back to the interview)
Rob Ford: Ooof, that was not Mayoral behavior. And again, feel bad aboot that. But I apologized for it at a press conference just half an hour later.
Reporter: And we have video of that as well.
(Cut to press conference. Rob Ford is opening a forty ounce can of beer, and is obviously in an intoxicated state.)
Rob Ford: (Singing and dancing)
“I’m the best mayor of all the mayors!
I’m the best Mayor in the word!
Yoooour Mayors can suck my [Censored]!”
(As he sings, he attempts to jump off the stage but crashes into the podium and lands out of frame)
Rob Ford: (Screaming in Pain, out of frame; he is subtitled) Oh God I fell on my dick! I fell on my little dick! What are the odds! That is like falling on a needle in a haystack!
(Cut back to the Interview. Rob Ford shifts uncomfortably)
Rob Ford: Boy, I should stop doing press conferences. Look, I’ve done some bad things, and I apologized for that.
Reporter: Well, I’m sorry Mr. Mayor, but I don’t think people will believe you any more. Some of the stories you’ve told are clearly outrageous lies.
Rob Ford: (Angry) Well then I’m gonna go on a show where people DO believe me and WILL believe anything I say!
Reporter: Mr. Mayor, at this point, what show would possibly believe you?
(CUT TO THE 60 MINUTES GRAPHIC.)
(Lara Logan stands in front of a graphic of Rob Ford, which is sponsored by Ford Motors, complete with their slogan “Built Tough”)
Lara Logan: Mayor Rob Ford Patriot, Hero, Role Model. Tonight, he’ll tell a side of the story you have to hear to believe.
(Cut to her interview with Ford)
Lara Logan: So, Mayor Ford, once and for all, what is the truth?
Rob Ford: I have NEVER done crack.
Lara Logan: (nodding) I believe you.
Rob Ford: (surprised) I’ve also never smoked pot?
Lara Logan: (Considers it) I believe you.
Rob Ford: (Pressing his luck) and I’ve never had Alki-hol?
Lara Logan: (disapproving) Mayor Ford (She smiles) I believe you.
Rob Ford: (Ecstatic) Ooooooh my God! This is the best show! And LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
Goodnights
…..Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga: Hello! Thank you to R. Kelly, thank you to Lorne and the cast. I’m so happy to be here. My album “Art Pop” is out now, but first, we’re gonna go parrrrrrrrrr-tyyyyyy! Bye!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
]]>
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
…..Seth Meyers
…..Cecily Strong
Mr. Senior…..Kenan Thompson
Salvation Army worker…..Aisy Bryant
Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Noel Wells
Office Worker…..Nasim Pedrad
Jebidiah Atkinson…..Taran Killam
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.
Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers!
Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong!
Seth Meyers: And here are tonight’s top stories!
President Obama, on Thursday, admitted that there were flaws in the Affordable Care Act, saying: We did fumble the ball. And then the Republicans recovered it. And then we tried to chase after them and then our pants fell down.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner criticized President Obamas attempt to repair the Affordable Care Act, saying, There is no way to fix this. And statements like that are just one of the reasons Boehner is known as the Eeyore of Congress.
The woman who was featured on the HealthCare.gov homepage said this week that after the laws flawed launch, she became the victim of cyberbullying. But thats the risk you run when you choose to get into the glamorous, high-stakes world of stock photo modeling.
Cecily Strong: The Obama Administration revealed this week that only 26,000 people bought health insurance on the federal HealthCare.gov site in October. Which isnt that surprising, because Americans refuse to buy any kind of insurance without first seeing a funny commercial.
This week, we found out what happens when a Canadian finally stops being polite, and starts getting real.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, on Thursday, denied claims that he offered to give a female staff member oral sex, saying that he is happily married and quote got more than enough to eat at home. Though after that press conference, Im betting the kitchens closed.
Seth Meyers: Ford, this week, also signed limited-edition bobblehead dolls of himself outside City Hall. Interesting fact: Bobblehead is one of the side effects of smoking crack.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, this week, criticized a ruling that the new World Trade Center was taller than his citys Willis Tower, saying that the Trade Centers 400-foot spire is just an antenna and should not count. Responded Mayor Bloomberg: “Hes just mad because Im taller than him.”
Cecily Strong: The official Rockefeller Christmas tree arrived this week. Here to comment, is our Common Sense correspondent making sense in a world gone mad: Mr. Senior.
Mr. Senior: Oh, good evening, Cess-uh-lee! What day is it?
Cecily Strong: Today is… Saturday, November 16th.
Mr. Senior: Oh, hmmm! Well, according to my calculations, that is a FULL 39 days… until Christmas! If MATH still means anything! Cess-uh-lee! Every year, this Christmas mess starts earlier and earlier! “Trick or treat!” “Merry Christmas!” It shouldn’t be that damn fast! There’s something in the middle! It’s called… Giving Thanks! Stop and smell stuffing. Every year, it’s sooner and sooner. It said on my TV: Holiday cups at Starbucks. Cess-uh-lee! It’s 60 degrees outside, and I already gotta decide which Black Christmas movie I want to see! Craftsman holiday… Black nativity. ENOUGH!!
Cecily Strong: Okay, so what should we do?
Mr. Senior: I’ll tell you what I did — I took matters into my own hands and filed this special report!
Cecily Strong: Okay. Let’s take a look.
[ cut to filmed report ]
Mr. Senior: Okay, it’s, uh… Mr. Senior. I’m here in New York, where folks are goin’ early Christmas crazy. [ through bullhorn ] Hey! Get on outta here now! Get! Go home! Come back in three weeks!
[ cut to base of Rockefeller Christmas tree ]
Mr. Senior: Attention! Attention, workers! Come down from this tree, this is much too early!
[ cut to Salvation Army worker ]
Salvation Army Worker: Merry Christmas! ‘Tis the season!
Mr. Senior: [ running up ] NO!! ENOUGH!! It is the middle of November! I’ll give you some money, but NEXT MONTH!! [ he grabs her bell and runs off ] Thanksgiving is first! Thanksgiving is first!
[ cut to Mr. Senior running up to a man wearing a Santa hat ]
Mr. Senior: [ pulling it off ] NO!!
Man: Whoa!
[ cut to Rockefeller skaing rink ]
Mr. Senior: You out here too soon! It’s too early!
[ cut to woman handing out candy canes to kids ]
Woman: Would you like a candy cane?
Kids: Thank you!
Mr. Senior: [ running up and grabbing the candy canes ] No! No! Not yet! Not yet! [ he stomps on the candy canes ]
[ cut to an office filled with Christmas decorations ]
Mr. Senior: Noooo!! Too soon! Too soooooon! Too soon, no! Now, put up a turkey or something! Give me the Santa Claus!
Office Worker: No!
Mr. Senior: Give me Santa!
Office Worker: No!
Mr. Senior: Oh, you tough, ain’t ya’?
[ cut to Mr. Santa running through the street with the decorations ]
Mr. Senior: Uh, excuse me! Sorry! [ to the camera ] Well, looks like some people still don’t understand! That’s too bad! This has been Mr. Senior… Happy Thanksgiving! [ Security officers grab him ] I’m out! Oh, I’m going to jail. I’m going to jail! Happy Thanksgiving!
[ return to the newsdesk ]
Cecily Strong: Mr. Senior!
Seth Meyers: A library in Chicago is now allowing patrons to look at porn on their computers as long as they show ID first. Said people who look at porn in the library: “No deal!”
Cecily Strong: A new restaurant has opened in New York City called Maid Café, in which the waitresses dress up like French maids and call diners master. Maid Café is the first restaurant to be created for the sole purpose of inspiring an episode of “SVU.”
A fire at a New York State factory that makes knishes has led to a nationwide shortage. Officials suspect knarson.
Seth Meyers: Researchers at Brigham Young University are studying ways to prevent urine splash back when men use the toilet. Hurry up! said men in khakis.
Scientists have discovered a clam that is 507 years old, making it the oldest animal ever discovered. The clam was spotted as it settled in to watch “NCIS.”
Cecily Strong: A Scottish man survived after he was attacked by a crocodile while playing golf in Mexico. This, according to a recent Mad Libs.
A school bus driver in Maine was suspended after she allegedly put Hello Kitty duct tape on students mouths. Although, the most disturbing part of this story is that Hello Kitty makes duct tape.
Seth Meyers: This week, a Pennsylvania newspaper printed a retraction of an opinion piece that ran in 1863, which panned Abraham Lincoln’s historic Gettysburg Address. Here now to comment: The author of that negative review, the Patriot & Union speech critic Jebidiah Atkinson.
Jebidiah Atkinson: [ sternly ] Thank you for having me, Seth!
Seth Meyers: So, uh, Jebidiah — you were actually underwhelmed by President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, calling it “silly” and saying that “history would soon forget it.”
Jebidiah Atkinson: Correct.
Seth Meyers: How do you feel about the newspaper’s retraction?
Jebidiah Atkinson: I stand by my words! They’re COWARDS, Seth! In fact, my first draft was much harsher, and I was told to tone it down!
Seth Meyers: Wow. So what was the first draft?
Jebidiah Atkinson: Would you like to hear it?
Seth Meyers: Sure.
Jebidiah Atkinson: It goes like such: [ reading ] “Four snores and seven yawns ago, this reviewer watched the President’s speech at Gettysburg and, let’s be honest, Abe, you dropped a real Lincoln log! You know what the real Gettysburg Address is? 1-1-5 West Boring Street! And then, there’s the venue: a field! Great acoustics! Sorry if I couldn’t hear you; I was in the second row!”
Seth Meyers: Wow! You didn’t like it at all!
Jebidiah Atkinson: I did NOT! What’s to like? “The world will little note nor long remember what we said here” — oof! With dialogue THAT clunky, I’m surprised he was shot by an actor! [ the audience groans ] Oh, was that too soon? Get over it, he’s on the 5!
Seth Meyers: You really didn’t like Lincoln?
Jebidiah Atkinson: Not at all! Too lanky, big nose, and don’t get me started on that beard; What was her name, Mary Todd?
Seth Meyers: Tell me — Have you reviewed any other speeches over the years?
Jebidiah Atkinson: [ excited ] I’ve reviewed ALL the speeches! And I’m NOT a fan!! Patrick Henry: “Give me liberty or give me death.” DEATH, please! [ he tosses his note card, which bounces off his face ] NEXT!! John F. Kennedy! I’ll tell you what you can do for my country: a-wrap it up! [ he tosses his note card ] NEXT!! Martin Luther King! Yuo have a dream? That’s great! I had a train to catch, and I missed it! [ he tosses his note cards over the desk ] Next! Jesus! The Sermon on the Mount: “Blessed are the meek?” More like, Blessed are the DEAF because they don’t have to listen to this big, great poem! And GREAT location, Jesus! The Mount? Any reason we had to climb half-an-hour to hear this?! Also, nice fan base! I’ve got a leper on one side of me, and a PROSTITUTE on the other! Oh, and Bravo on the food — There’s nothing like MOUNTAINTOP FISH on a HOT day!! [ he tosses his note cards ] NEXT! Oh… wait. I’ve got one on FDR’s Pearl Harbor speech, but I probably shouldn’t do it after the audience were such BITCHES about the John Wilkes Booth joke.
Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Yeah, I wouldn’t do it!
Jebidiah Atkinson: I might do it! I’m GOING to do it!
Seth Meyers: Alright…
Jebidiah Atkinson: “You know what day will live in infamy? December 8th, 1941, when FDR gave a speech that was SO boring ASS!!” [ laughing ] I think I misquoted myself!
Seth Meyers: I’ve gotta say, that’s not your best written one!
Jebidiah Atkinson: That was a rough draft! I could have used a couple Kamikazees after that!
Seth Meyers: I think you were a Kamikazee!
Jebidiah Atkinson: I’m not, you know. It’s so hard being a critic, but I love it, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Yeah!
Jebidiah Atkinson: Yeah, it’s so much more fun than my last job.
Seth Meyers: What was your last job?
Jebidiah Atkinson: Failed speechwriter!
Seth Meyers: Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong! Good night!