Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Obama Press Conference

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Jennifer Osborne…..Aidy Bryant
Larry Douglas…..Bobby Moynihan
Craig Douglas…..Beck Bennett
Sen. Ted Cruz…..Taran Killam
Complainer…..Cecily Strong
Dr. Melissa Kronich…..Kate McKinnon
Jesse Pinkman…..Aaron Paul
ObamaCare Oscar…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: [ over C-Span page ] You’re watching C-Span. At 4:30, it’s “Beach House”, a slideshow of Congressional members on their summer vacations. But first, we go to Prince George Community College in Maryland, where President Obama is speaking in support of the Affordable Care Act.

[ dissolve to Obama at podium in front of crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you so much! As many of you all know, next Tuesday… the Affordable Care Act will be open to the public. While this is exciting news for ALL Americans, polls show that many of you are confused by the details of the law. And some have criticized me for failing to explain it better. So, today… I’ve asked soem regular Americans to come out… and tell you… how the Affordable Care Act will change their lives for the BETTER! Regular people, like Jennifer Osborne, a sales clerk right here in America!

[ Jennifer steps up to the podium ]

Jennifer Osborne: Uh, thank you… thank you, Mr. President! And let me start by saying I am PSYCHED… for OBAMACAAAARE!!

President Barack Obama: There you go! I love that enthusiasm!

Jennifer Osborne: Because now that I’ve got FREE health care, I can get sick ALL! THE TIIIIIME!! WHOO!! FREE MEDICINE, Y’ALL!!

President Barack Obama: Well, uh… [ chuckling ] THat’s not really how it works…

Jennifer Osborne: I’ve stopped washing my hands, and I’m licking hella subway polls! Thanks, President! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. Well, uh, one great thing about the Affordable Care Act is that your children can stay on your insurance until, uh… 26. Here with a father-son success story, are Larry and Craig Douglas. Come on.

[ the Douglases steps up to the podium ]

Larry Douglas: Wow… I am so relieved that my DUMB, LAZY, good-for-nothing son has FULL HEALTH COVERAGE! We kept telling him: “Hey, IDIOT! You have to get a JOB to earn health care! But Mr. Obama here, he made sure that my son will NEVER have to lift a FINGER to get insurance!

President Barack Obama: [ stammering ] W-well… well, I’m sure he wants to contribute…

Larry Douglas: [ interrupting ] No, this is a true story, okay? The other day, he pinched a nerve so bad WHACKING IT… that he coldn’t even clsoe the laptop! We all walked in from CHURCH… and the porno was just still playing, full-volume. You know what? He was just lying on the floor! You’re a LOSER, son!

Craig Douglas: If I’m a loser… how come I have health care?

President Barack Obama: Okay, uh… Can we please, uh… can we please get them to leave, please?

[ security guards pulls the Douglases away ]

Larry Douglas: [ quickly ] Hey! CHRIS CHRISTIE IN ’16!!

President Barack Obama: Okay… Is there anyone here who has something serious to say about the new health care system?

[ Sen. Ted Cruz steps forward ]

Sen. Ted Cruz: I’m Senator Ted Cruz. And I do not LIKE you in a box! I do not like you with a fox!

President Barack Obama: Oh, Dr. Suess? Come on!

Sen. Ted Cruz: “I speak for the TREES! Because the trees do not speak. But if they could speak, they would say, ‘Shut down the federal government!'”

President Barack Obama: [ calling out ] Uh, uh, Security?

Sen. Ted Cruz: [ as they pull him away ] “Or make you hear a who? But the only thing I’m hearing right now is… SOCIALISM…!!”

President Barack Obama: People… It’s not even in effect yet! There’s NO WAY you can already have so many complaints!

[ Complainer steps up to the podium ]

Complainer: Uhhh, yeah. I already have a complaint about ObamaCare! By iPhone 5S broke, and I took it to the Genius Barn, and they would NOT fix it! I mean, WHAT the hell is that?!

President Barack Obama: Okay. Alright. Now, see? I believe you’re confusing ObamaCare with Apple Care.

Complainer: Well — either way, it happened on YOUR watch! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Look — okay. Bottom line: Health care costs have spiraled OUT of control in this country! Okay? And no one knows that better than our nation’s overworked E.R. doctors. Like Dr. Melissa Kronich.

[ Dr. Melissa appears at the podium with a lit cigarette ]

Dr. Melissa Kronich: Look, I have no idea what the hell this law does. All I know is — ObamaCare or no ObamaCare — people need to stop putting things up their butts! I went to school for EIGHT damn years, so don’t you DARE look me in the face and tell me you FELL on a toy fire truck, you monsters!

President Barack Obama: Dr. Kronich, please.

Dr. Melissa Kronich: You want to save $5 billion a year on health care costs? Stop putting stuff up your damn BUTTS! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. Alright. Okay, thank you, Dr. Kronich. Certainly something to keep in mind, our butts. Now, uh — Here’s a young man from New Mexico with a heartbreaking story about healthcre before the Affordable Care Act. So, uh — Jesse? Would you come up here?

[ Jesse Pinkman steps up to the podium, to huge applause ]

Jesse Pinkman: Yeah, I had this friend, you know? and he got sick. Like, cancer sick. But because there wasn’t ObamaCare… he couldn’t afford the treatments. So he was, like, backed into a corner. You know what I mean?

President Barack Obama: Uh, and keep in mind –- This man was a teacher with a family.

Jesse Pinkman: He was. He was. So, he did what any of us would have done: He started cooking meth.

President Barack Obama: Now, now, uh, hold on…!

Jesse Pinkman: And soon, it wasn’t just meth. It was murder. You know? And not regular murder. Like, he blew half a guy’s face off.

President Barack Obama: Okay! I think we can probably wrap this up! Jesse from New Mexico, everybody!

Jesse Pinkman: Hold on, don’t you want to know what happened to my friend?

Crowd: NO!!!

Jesse Pinkman: Okay. [ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: Finally… some are worried that the system is overwhelming, or hard to sign up for. But the fact is, it couldn’t be easier! And here to explain how easy it is, is our friend ObamaCare Oscar, uh, with the “Health Care Boogie.”

[ ObamaCare Oscar appears next to the podium and starts to boogie ]

ObamaCare Oscar: [ rapping ]
“Well, I signed up!
Be like me!
It’s as easy as 1-2-3!
4-5-6, 7-8-9…!”

[ ObamaCare Oscar trips and falls ]

ObamaCare Oscar: Oh, my God! The bone is through the skin!

President Barack Obama: [ alarmed ] Quick! Quick! Somebody please call an ambulance!

ObamaCare Oscar: No, no…! [ he struggles to his feet ] No, don’t call an ambulance! I don’t have health insurance!

President Barack Obama: What?! Why didn’t you sign up?

ObamaCare Oscar: Uh, it was too complicated to figure out…! I’m not a citizen, either. I was born in Liya… my family came here for the welfare! OH, ALLAH, HELP ME!! [ he limps off ]

President Barack Obama: Okay, I have not explained this law well. And my apologies, alright? And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1


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13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong

…..Seth Meyers
…..Cecily Strong
…..Tina Fey
Bruce Chandling….Kyle Mooney
Drunk Uncle…..Bobby Moynihan
Meth-Nephew…..Aaron Paul

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong!

Seth Meyers: Welcome, Cecily!

[ Audience applauds ]

Seth Meyers: And here are tonight’s top stories.

[ cut to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Texas senator Ted Cruz this week gave a 21 hour speech on the floor of the Senate, during which he read Dr. Seuss’s ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I’m not sure what Cruz’s speech was arguing for but I’m guessing legalizing weed?

Republicans in Congress this week attempted to defund Obamacare before it begins open enrollment on October 1st. ‘Cause you know the old saying: if you can’t beat ‘em, kick the ball into the woods.

Cecily Strong: In an interview this week, Iran’s new president Hassan Rouhani distanced himself from his predecessor Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and acknowledged that the Holocaust was real. Which I believe is the very definition of “the least you could do.”

This Sunday, AMC will air the series finale of Breaking Bad. There’s been a lot of speculation about who will survive and who won’t, but I don’t like your chances, Low Winter Sun.

[ cut to Cecily and Seth ]

Cecily Strong: Seth, I’m sorry, before we go on, can I- I’d just like to take a moment to say something, if I may.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, by all means.

Cecily Strong: OK, um, thank you. Thank you so much. I just want to take this opportunity to acknowledge and thank all of the women who’ve come to the Update desk before me, and paved the way for me to be here tonight. Um…

[ Tina Fey rolls in on a chair from the right ]

[ Audience cheers ]

Cecily Strong: I mean, women like Jane Curtin…

Tina Fey: Oops, okay, going chronologically.

[ Tina rolls out of frame ]

Cecily Strong: … Who proved every bit as funny and as strong as Dan Aykroyd. You know, as well as the power house female anchors of the modern Weekend Update era…

[ Tina rolls into frame again ]

Cecily Strong: …Amy Poehler!

[ Tina rolls out of frame ]

Cecily Strong: And of course, Tina Fey!

[ Tina rolls into frame ]

Tina Fey: Aah, thank you. Thank you. Cecily, you’re gonna be great. Would you mind if I gave you a couple little pieces of advice, though.

Cecily Strong: I would love it.

Tina Fey: Okay, great. Here’s what it is: you keep your head down, you do your time. On the first day, you go up to the biggest guy in the yard and punch him in the face. All right, let’s see… Don’t mess with Texas. Keep your feet on the ground. Keep reaching for the stars. Believe in your nightmares. You see this man here? [ points to Seth ] This man don’t own you. You do you. You in charge. Say it.

Cecily Strong: (weakly) I’m in charge.

Tina Fey: Say it like you mean it!

Cecily Strong: (slighty less weakly) I’m in charge.

Tina Fey: That’s good, that’s real good, okay. I’m gonna give you my phone number. DO NOT call me. Alright and you- [ turns to Seth ] you be good to her, alright. Treat her good.

Seth Meyers: I am being very nice.

Tina Fey: Yeah, okay, ‘cause I will be watching. [ whispers to Cecily ] I will not be watching.

[ Tina rolls out of frame ]

Tina Fey: Byeee!

Seth Meyers: Tina Fey, everybody!

Geraldo Rivera, who is being sued by talent agency William Morris for failing to pay them said that he will fight them to the death. Said Rivera, “Think about it, why would I owe money to a talent agency?

Amazon this week unveiled a new Kindle Fire that has a Mayday Button that immediately connects users to customer support. Meanwhile, Barnes & Noble unveiled a new “Nook” that automatically throws itself in the garbage.

Cecily Strong: A new study suggests that eating a lot of fish may not actually make people smarter. And that makes sense when you consider which one of your friends is constantly saying, (mimics obnoxious drunk girl) “We should get sushi!”

A 99-year-old woman in Iowa, who was one credit short when she dropped out of high school more than 80 years ago, was this week given an honorary degree. And, in an act of sheer optimism, she’s checking out colleges.

Seth Meyers: Officials have reported that a new Russian drug is appearing in the US called “Crocodill”, which is a mixture of codeine and paint thinner that could rot away a person’s skin. You may know it by its street name, “Red Bull.”

A filmmaker is claiming that a sheet of music used by the Nazis may actually contain a hidden code for the location of a buried treasure. You know, say what you will about the Nazis but they really knew how to set up an adventure.

Cecily Strong: James Watson, one of the scientists who discovered the Double Helix Structure of DNA, said this week that the best way to avoid passing on genes for mental illness is to have children very early. So now, if somebody criticizes you for being a pregnant teen, you can say, “A genius told me to do it.”

Seth Meyers: This Tuesday, Iran’s new president Hassan Rouhani travelled to New York to make his first speech to the UN General Assembly. Here with his take on the historic speech is veteran stand-up comic Bruce Chandling.

[ Bruce Chandling, a guy with a back slick in a leather jacket, rolls in from the left ]

[ SUPER: Bruce Chandling, Stand-Up Comic ]

Bruce Chandling: Thank you so much, Seth! It’s so great to be here, really, really great to be here.

Seth Meyers: So tell us, how’s it going, Bruce?

Bruce Chandling: Well, I just got back from LA, you know. Los Angeles, the City of Dreams. Or as I like to say: Los Angeles, the City of Dreaming I Could Spend Less than Two Hundred Dollars on a Decent Cup of Joe.

[ He stares at the audience with a satisfied look on his face ]

Seth Meyers: That, uh… well, that’s great. Why don’t we talk Iran. So what did you think of President Rouhani’s speech at the UN?

Bruce Chandling: Oh, the big UN speech. It’s classic New York, isn’t it? You know what I love about New York? You have any idea? Any idea? The pizza. Extra greasy, extra sausage, pepperoni. Now, you go to LA, it’s a little different, you know. The pizza’s all vegan, you know, gluten-free, shaped like an octagon. It comes with a side of a Hacky Sack and a woman who hasn’t shaved her armpits.

[ He stares at the audience in the same way ]

Seth Meyers: Uh… well, that’s great, so… Do you think President Rouhani’s speech will have the kind of impact he’d hoped?

Bruce Chandling: Oh, yeah, it’s not easy to do what he did, it really isn’t, you know. Getting up in front of people. Of course, now I’m doing the acting thing in LA. Gotta drive to all these auditions, you know, and go East Side to West Side, North Side to South Side. By the end of the day I end up cross-eyed.

[ Stares at audience ]

Bruce Chandling: But, uh… It ain’t an easy profession. Gotta… gotta get used to people saying no a lot. It just means that if you got it they can’t strike you down.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, Bruce, I gotta say, it seems like you have a lot of your mind right now.

[ Pause. Bruce looks sad. ]

Bruce Chandling: Of course, everyone these days is so obsessed with CD’s, right? Like, “have you heard the new CD?”

Seth Meyers: Okay, Bruce, we got to wrap this up.

Bruce Chandling: Okay, everybody, at the Laugh Castle Wednesday, it’s gonna be me, Ronny Donny Anniay, Donny Ronny Anniay Jr. It’s a two drink minimum. Bring your pal, or two or three or four.

Seth Meyers: Bruce Chandling, everyone!

[ Bruce rolls out of frame ]

Seth Meyers: Give it up for Bruce Chandling, veteran stand-up comic!

Cecily Strong: West Virginia University was named the number one party school in the country, according to a new list from Playboy. Once again, in last place, was the University of Phoenix Online.

Seth Meyers: O.J. Simpson was allegedly caught stealing cookies from a Nevada prison cafeteria on Thursday.

Cecily Strong: (off-camera) Aww…

[ cut to Cecily and Seth ]

Cecily Strong: Aw, that’s sad. I feel so bad for him.

Seth Meyers: You feel bad for O.J. Simpson?

Cecily Strong: Yeah. He’s been through so much. Did you know his ex-wife was murdered?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I did know that.

Cecily Strong: I mean, like, let the guy have a cookie, right?

Seth Meyers: Oh, we should move on.

Cecily Strong: (to camera) You stay strong, Juice.

Seth Meyers: No, don’t say that.

A Minnesota man was shot in the leg after his hunting dog jumped into his boat, accidentally setting off the weapon. I say “accidentally”, but shortly after the incident, a duck was seen giving the dog twenty dollars.

Cecily Strong: John Stamos is hosting a new web series called “Losing Your Virginity” in which celebrities tell him about their first sexual experience. Stamos will then tell celebrities about their next sexual experience.

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s back to school time for families across America. Here to comment on the new school year is our own Drunk Uncle!

[ Drunk Uncle rolls in on a chair ]

[ SUPER: Drunk Uncle ]

Drunk Uncle: Ooooooh, are you ready for some baseball! And eventually some hockeyyy!

Seth Meyers: Actually, I think it’s football, Drunk Uncle.

Drunk Uncle: Someone’s gotta watch the white sports, Seth.

Seth Meyers: And we’re back. We’re back. So, Drunk Uncle, what are your thoughts on the upcoming school year?

Drunk Uncle: You know, when I was a kid, Seth, you know, there was no “back to school.” You know, you just lived there. Every day. It was (rapidly) chalk board shiny shoes grease pencil advocates pantaloons. You went to school until you were eight, and then you got married to a factory. Nowadays… Nowadays, it’s just, “can I get some Swiss chard on my roku?” – “Is that Amazon Prime Pumpkin Spiced?” – You know who’s got a couple of spicy pumpkins? That Sofia Viagra. (Points to his chest) Bee-boop bee-boop! Get it?

Seth Meyers: How could I not get it?

Drunk Uncle: (into his glass) Ted Cruuuuz.

Seth Meyers: All right.

Drunk Uncle: Kids today- they don’t even know that value of a dollar, Seth. You know. They’re all just twerking 9 to 5. (sings) Blurred Lines! … The only blurred line I know is our border with México. You know you want it! OFFENCE.

Seth Meyers: All right, Drunk Uncle… I think you’re a little too drunk.

Drunk Uncle: Yeah I watch Big Brother! (sings loudly) Aaah, I wanna dance with somebody! I wanna feel the -beep- with somebodyyy!

[ Drunk Uncle starts crying ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, Drunk Uncle…

Drunk Uncle: So I didn’t win an Emmy, OK? So I’ve never been Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, OK? So I’m not Joseph Gordon-Don John, OK?

[ He blows a raspberry ]

Drunk Uncle: Please, that’s not me.

Seth Meyers: That’s not anybody.

Drunk Uncle: Wait a minute… what day is it? Is it Sunday yet? Is it the Sabbath? I’m supposed to watch Breaking Bad with my dumb sister’s stupid kid.

Seth Meyers: Who’s that?

Drunk Uncle: It’s my meth-nephew!

Seth Meyers: Your meth-nephew?

[ Meth-Nephew rolls in from the side ]

Meth-Nephew: Come one, let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s go!

Drunk Uncle: Calm down, buddy. Please. [ introducing them ] Seth, Meth. Meth, Seth.

Meth-Nephew: Hey, uh, Seth, I got a knock-knock joke for ya.

Drunk Uncle: NO! I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCK-KNOCKS! (laughs) He’s from the show.

Seth Meyers: Drunk Uncle and Meth-Nephew, everybody!

Drunk Uncle: (sings) Oh, I wanna dance with somebody!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong. Goodnight!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Miley Cyrus: 10/05/13 ]]>


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 5th, 2013

Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus

None

None

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VMA’sSummary: In a bleak vision of the future, Papa Joe (Kenan Thompson) points to Miley Cyrus’ behavior at the 2013 Video Music Awards as the moment civilization spiraled out.

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Will Smith.

Montage

Miley Cyrus’ MonologueSummary: Miley Cyrus promises there will no twerking and kills a sketch about a wrecking ball.

Transcript

50 Shades of Grey AuditionsSummary: Odd celebrity pairings audition for the roles of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.

Recurring Characters: Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Kristen Stewart.

Girlfirends Talk ShowSummary: Morgan (Aidy Bryant) is threatened anew when best friend co-host Kyra (Cecily Strong) welcomes new best friend Tara (Miley Cyrus) to the topic couch.

Recurring Characters: Kyra, Morgan.

We Did Stop (The Government)Summary: John Boehner (Taran Killam) and Michelle Bachman (Miley Cyrus) star in a political spoof of Miley Cyrus’ latest music video.

Recurring Characters: John Boehner, Michelle Bachman, President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Piers Morgan LiveSummary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) gives Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) the rundown on a series of Hillary Clinton televised biopics.

Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Arianna Huffington, President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.

Miley Cyrus performs “Wrecking Ball”

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong outline the “Winners/Losers” of the government shutdown. Connecticut mother Pat Lynhart (Kate McKinnon) opposes video game violence but loves Grand Theft Auto 5. A drooling Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharoah) gives his take on the NFL season. Bar Mitzvah boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) reads pre-rehearsed jokes about Shabbatz.

Recurring Characters: Jacob.

CheerleadersSummary: Cheerleading practice is interrupted by a space alien (Kenan Thompson) who wants to take the Earth’s moon.

Morning, MiamiSummary: Morning co-anchors (Miley Cyrus, Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon) seethe at the thought of having to peppily tape the week’s promo spots.

Transcript

Miley Cyrus performs “We Can’t Stop”

Poetry ClassSummary: Poetry specialist Miss Meadows (Vanessa Bayer) remains enthusiastic while teaching her craft to high-schoolers who just don’t give a damn about peotry.

Transcript

Kyle’s OfficeSummary: Kyle Mooney is distraught at the thought that Miley Cyrus wants to have anything goes sex with him in his office, and asks Beck Bennett and Bobby Moynihan for advice.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts