Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Adam Levine’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 12














12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar

Adam Levine’s Monologue

…..Adam Levine
…..Andy Samberg
…..Cameron Diaz
…..Jerry Seinfeld

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Adam Levine!

Adam Levine: Thank you very much! WOW! What a tremendous honor — [ a woman in the audience Whoos ] Thank you! Wow! What a tremendous honor to be here hosting “Satuday Night Live”. I’ve been here with my band Maroon 5 before, but this time it is JUST me! And because, like all successful singers, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would overreach and try acting. Also, I’ve been a coch on “The Voice” for the last two years. So, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] So, tonight, I just hope you don’t judge me too harshly.

[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Andy Samberg in a smoking jacket and pipe ]

Andy Samberg: Fat chance, loser!

Adam Levine: Samberg! What are you doing here?

Andy Samberg: I could ask myself the same question.

Adam Levine: What?

Andy Samberg: That was, as they say, a joke. And it’s literally one of TENS of jokes I could teach you — if you join my team.

Adam Levine: Wait a second… Andy, you want to coach me?

Andy Samberg: That’s right. Yuo need my wisdom. After all, I was in over a hundred Digital Shorts, as well as three live sketches. And I’ve dealt with my fair share of singers-turned-actors — Timberlake, whatever…

Adam Levine: Yeah, we get it, we get it… whatever.

Andy Samberg: The point is: Let me coach you. We have so much in common: We’ve both slept with between two and and five-hundred women… and we both have angelic singing voices. [ singing ” ” ] “This! Voice! Is as good as yours! Oh, yeah!” [ the audience applauds ] I rest my case.

Adam Levine: Don’t clap for that; that was terrible singing. Well, I — you know, I guess, Andy, if you think you can help —

[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Cameron Diaz in vintage wear ]

Cameron Diaz: Not… so… fast.

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Adam Levine: Cameron! Cameron!

Cameron Diaz: [ whooping it up ] Yayyyyyyy!! Oh, yeah! I’m the Aguilera of the group, I’m high-energy, I love everything, and I never put my hands down!

Adam Levine: Wait… so… Cameron, you want to coach me?

Cameron Diaz: That’s right, Adam. And if you want to succeed in comedy, you have to check your pride at the door. You have to be willing to fall down, you have to be willing to shake your butt. You have to be willing to take a handful of Ben Stiller’s spooch, and put it right in your hair, and spike it up like a mohawk!

Adam Levine: R-really?

Andy Samberg: Hey, we’ve all done it, so…

Cameron Diaz: Wait, when did you do it?

Andy Samberg: [ smiling nervously ] Ah, I was just saying stuff!

Cameron Diaz: Adam, listen — I have hosted before. So, trust me, the first thing that you should do as a host… is take off your shirt.

Adam Levine: Whaaaatt?!

Cameron Diaz: Your shirt! Just take it off!

Adam Levine: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. When you hosted, did you take your shirt off?

Cameron Diaz: Listen… what happens off-camera is not important. The important thing is: Lose the shirt.

Andy Samberg: I would… Yes. I would also suggest losing the shirt — from a “comedy” standpoint. [ he pulls up a bottle of lotion and squirts his left hand ]

Adam Levine: Guys… guys… Everyone, calm down — epecially Samberg. Calm down. I’m NOT taking my shirt off.

[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Jerry Seinfeld ]

Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right! He’s NOT taking his shirt off!

Adam Levine: Jerry Seinfeld! Wow!

Jerry Seinfeld: [ with bite ] Hellooooo, Adam.

Adam Levine: Wait… wait a minute. You… want to help me… host?

Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right, Adam! I should be your coach! I get you — Appealing, not as Jewish as your name… I know that tacket inside and out! I spent NINE years on THIS netowrk threading that needle. And I had to work HARD at it. I didn’t have an “interesting” look — like some people! [ he glares at Samberg and Diaz ]

Cameron Diaz: Wait… “Interesting”?

Andy Samberg: That’s fair for me. That’s fair.

Jerry Seinfeld: So, please, Adam… When it comes to your coemdy, be smart, be clever, be one step ahead of the audience! THAT’S where you use your Jewishness. You never rub their nose about how you’re one step ahead of them — and that goes for ALL Jews, by the way. So, please, whatever you do, DON’T take your shirt off!

[ by now, Levine has done just that, and the women in the audience are beside themselves ]

Adam Levine: Thank you! Thank you! That’s GREAT advice! Great advice, Jerry, thank you. We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight! Kendrick Lamar is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Inauguration Night



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 12










12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar

Inauguration Night

Aide…..Taran Killam
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, White House, Inauguration Night ]

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama relaxing in front of the fireplace, as Aide hands him a tall flask of beer ]

Aide: Can I get you anything else, Mr. President?

President Barack Obama: Uh, no, I’m fine. Thank you for everything.

Aide: Well, good night, Mr. President, and congratulations again. That was very moving, having your Inauguration fall on Martin Luther King Day.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh, yes, uh… that was, uh, that was pretty special.

[ Aide exits, as Obama sips his beer ]

President Barack Obama: [ toasting himself ] To four more years!

[ the clock chimes, as a huge puff of smoke appears ]

Voice: Barack! Barack Obama!

[ the Ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. steps forward ]

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: It is I, the Reverand Martin Luther King, Jr.! And I have come to visit with you, on the night of this historic Inauguration!

President Barack Obama: This is incredible! Dr. King, there’s so much I want to discuss with you!

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: And I with you, Barack! Please, have a seat.

[ they lean back in their chairs ]

President Barack Obama: So, uh… tell me, Dr. King, uh — Have I lived up to the promise in your legacy? Are we on the right track for our nation?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Oh, we’ll get to all that, Barack. We’ll get to that. But, uh, first things first — Did you, uh… did you see that girl Beyonce?

President Barack Obama: Uh, excuse me?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: That girl Beyonce! Did you see her out there? ‘Cause I was like, [ high-pitched ] “Whaaaaaattt?!”

President Barack Obama: Well, Beyonce… well, yes, Sir, she’s a very beautiful woman.

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Beautiful?! [ he chuckles ] Raquel Welch was “beautiful”. Beyonce is like, “Daaaaaamnnn!!” I had to keep pinching myself — I thought I was having another one of my “famous” dreams!

President Barack Obama: Dr. King, she was there to sing our National Anthem.

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Was she, though? “Access Hollywood” would beg to differ.

President Barack Obama: “Access Hollywood”?

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Yeahhhhh, they said she was lip-synching! And I was like, “And I care, why? #JayZis1LuckyMan!””

President Barack Obama: Dr. King, uhhhh… can we please discuss MORE important issues? Uhhhhh… there are very real changes facing this nation!

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, speaking of change — What’s up with Michelle’s bangs?

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Her baaaaaaaangs!! What, is she guest-starring on “The New Girl”? [ he chuckles to himself ] When she finally gets those bangs cut, she’s gonna be like, “I can see at last! THank God Almighty, I can see at last!!”

President Barack Obama: [ outraged ] Dr. King!!

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Ohhhhh, really?! Come on! Relax! I’m joking around! Can’t we just be two guys talking real for a second? Why do I have to be serious and stately for all of eternity? And, besides — Today is my day off! [ he laughs ] You get it? Martin Luther King Day!

[ Aide knocks and re-enters the room ]

Aide: Uh, Mr. President? Is everything okay in here? I heard voices.

President Barack Obama: [ nervously ] Uh, uh, uh, yeah. I was just thinking out loud. I’m good.

[ Aide exits ]

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: [ annoyed ] Man, WHY you making rxcuses to him?! Just be like, “I’m the first Black president! Shut the Hell up and go to sleep!”

President Barack Obama: Dr. King, do you have any serious advice for me?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Oh, yes, I do! Yes, I do! You’re doing a good job, Barack. I’m proud of you. But, there’s still work to do. You’re he first Black president, but we’re STILL waiting for our first Black magician… There hasn’t been a Black King of England… and, uh, it is 2013 and there’s still not a single Black child in the band One Direction.

President Barack Obama: I mean, do you think there are any that want to be?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Probably not. Probably not, no. But, tonight, enjoy yourself! You have EARNED it.

President Barack Obama: Thank you, Dr. King. [ he extends his hand ]

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: You’re welcome. [ he stands ] And, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go visit Cornel West and tell him to TAKE IT DOWN about 30 notches. So, uh…

President Barack Obama: Here we go.

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: You want to do this together?

President Barack Obama: Uh…

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: I mean, it’s not every day they let a Black GHOST open the show!

President Barack Obama: Okay, uh… well, let’s do it!

Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Bieber: 02/09/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 13


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>







Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 9th, 2013

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

None

Whoopi Goldberg

Micahel Patrick O’Brien

Super Bowl XLVIISummary: Super Bowl commentators James Brown (Kenan Thompson), Dan Marino (Jason Sudeikis), Bill Cowher (Tim Robinson) and Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharoah) try to fill the awkward silence when the power suddenly goes out at the Superdome.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Bieber’s MonologueSummary: Justin Bieber attempts to woo girls in the audience with his inadequate knowledge of Black History Month trivia.

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) dates Devin’s (Bill Hader) estranged wife (Cecily Strong), showcases canyon paintings, and counsels a runaway teen (Justin Bieber) among overexaggerated valley accents and driving directions within every conservation.

Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Rosa, Trey.

Bieber DoublesSummary: Snot-nosed Justin Bieber isn’t impressed with the team of body doubles assembled by his head of security (Jason Sudeikis).

BravoSummary: An unnecessary preview of some of the many other “Real” series coming soon to Bravo.

Justin Bieber performs “As Long As You Love Me”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: After his bones were recently discovered, King Richard III’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) defend his tyrannical nature while quietly airing his dirty laundry. Corey, the one Black guy in every commercial (Kenan Thompson), comments on how thrilling it is to lead that cliched lifestyle.

50’s RomanceSummary: Billy Zuccarelli (Justin Bieber) woos Angie (Cecily Strong) in the style of the world’s worst “Grease” spoof.

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Now an adult, Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) attempts a more mature style to her talk show as she gabs with Justin Bieber fan Pete DeFalco (Justin Bieber).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Bill Ray Cyrus.

Protective BrotherSummary: When Heather (Nasim Pedrad) brings her new boyfriend Michael (Justin Bieber) home to meet the family, her older brother Eddie (Taran Killam) acts overprotective of her, especially after the hapless lad accidentally combines the words “glad” and “nice” into an awkward “Glice” greeting.

A Sexy Valentine’s Day MessageSummary: Justin Bieber arrogantly offers a video guide to how he treats the ladies on Valentine’s, with a little over-the-top crudemess from a guy known as Taco (Bobby Moynihan).

Justin Bieber performs “Nothing Like Us”

Valentine’s DanceSummary: Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) and others make announcements at the Valentine’s Abstinence Dance organized by Social Committee Head Bryce Dunham (Justin Bieber).

Recurring Characters: Principal Frye, Steve Kane.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Bieber: 02/09/13: Super Bowl XLVII



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 13
















12m: Justin Bieber

Super Bowl XLVII

James Brown…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah
Dan Marino…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill Cowher…..Tim Robinson
Steve Tasker…..Taran Killam
Dimitri…..Bill Hader

[ open on Super Bowl XLVII graphics ]

Announcer: We now return to the Super Bowl, on CBS!

[ dissolve to game booth ]

James Brown: Welcome back to the Super Dome! I’m James Brown, here with Dan Marino and Coach Bill Cowher and Shannon Sharpe. For those of you just tuning in — twenty minutes ago, there was a power surge that knocked out a number of lights in the building. and we’ve been told the game will NOT resume for another fifteen minutes.

Shannon Sharpe: [ incredulous ] Another fifteen minutes?! That’s what they said fifteen minutes ago! Don’t make us watch those First Half highlights again! I can’t watch those again!!

James Brown: Alright, well, no reason to panic, Shannon. There’s plenty to talk about.

Dan Marino: Is there? Because I’m running on FUMES, man!

Bill Cowher: We did a SIX-HOUR pre-game! What more is there to say?

James Brown: Just be cool. [ he chuckles nervously ] Now, for another update on the situation, we throw it back down to our own Steve Tasker, who’s on the sidelines! Steve?

[ cut to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: Well, not much new to report, J.B. The lights went out, and now they’re trying to get them back on. Some players are stretching… Some are not. And as a favor, I’d like to ask you NOT to come back to me, because I have NOTHING to add! Back to you, J.B.!

[ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks, Steve. [ a beat ] That seems like it’s been about fifteen minutes, huh? [ he glances off-camera ] No? It’s been less than one minute? Oh. Okay! Well, uh — as a reminder, tomorrow on CBS, it’s “2 Broke Girls”. “2 Broke Girls”! Very funny show! Now, Bill, as an ex-coach, who do you think is helped by the blackout?

Bill Cowher: Well… as I’ve said seven times in the last fifteen minutes… I can see it having advantages for both sides. [ James Brown is stone-faced ] That’s… all I’ve got, J.B. I am real sorry, pal, but that is all I’ve got.

James Brown: Alright. Well, Dan, what do you think the quarterbacks are thinking?

Dan Marino: Well, if I’m Colin Kaepernick, I’m thinking, “We need to score some points.” And if I’m Joe Flacco, I’m thinking, “Let’s keep this lead!”

James Brown: Wow! Wow! Wow! Oh, that was great, Dan! You should save that one for your REEL!

Dan Marino: Hey, come on!

James Brown: Now, Shannon, you’ve played in some Super Boels. What are the players thinking right now?

Shannon Sharpe: Well… This is only conjection, but if I’m out there and there’s been NO power for TWENTY minutes, I start to think: “Who on this team are we gonna eat first?” The obvious choice is the punter, because he’ll be the easiest to catch. But, then, if you need a punter later in the game, you don’t have one because you ATE him! So…

James Brown: You started thinking about that after twenty minutes? [ he stares into the camera ] What do you get when you cross two ladies, a cupcake shop, and no money? “2 Broke Girls”! Tomorrow on CBS! [ he chuckles ] It’s a very funny show! [ a sheet of paper is handed to him ] Oh, thank God! Our research team has just handed me… [ he glances down ] anagrams of some of the players’ names. [ he gives a dirty look off-camera ] Alright. Well, the letters in Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith’s name can be re-arranged to spell “Hermit Story”. Uh… Vernon Davis can be… “Vain Vendors”. And Colin Kaepernick is “Cocaine Kelp Rink”. [ he glances off-camera ] You serious about this? Alright, we’ll be right back after this commercial break.

[ cut to low-budget commercial of a guy dancing to techno music ]

Dimitri: I’m Dimitri, and I want to dance at your next party!

[ SUPER: “555-0199” ]

[ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: I’d like to offer a quick apology. I’ve been told we’ve run out of proper commercials, and had to show a WEIRD one. Anybody else got a question?

Shannon Sharpe: I do. I do. Uh — When the clock in the stadium stops… do we stop aging?

James Brown: What?! [ he glances at the camera ] Caroline visits a psychic to learn about her romantic future, on an all new… “2 Broke Girls”! “2 Broke girls”! If it ain’t broke, don’t watch it! That’s a funny show! In fact… can we watch it now? [ he glances off-camera ] No? Alright. Oh! I’ve just received word that our own STEVE TASKER on the sidelines has some new information! Steve!

[ cut to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: I don’t know who told you that, J.B. And I’m willing ot bet that YOU made it up! Suffice it to say, I have NO new information — Back to you, J.B.

[ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: [ shifty-eyed ] Back to you, Steve.

[ return to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: [ fuming ] You can’t “Back to you” me, I just “Back to you”ed YOU! Back to YOU!!

[ return to game booth ]

James Brown: And right back to you!

[ return to an empty space ]

James Brown: Oh, you son of a — [ he pounds his fist ] So, Dan — uh, news came out this week that you fathered a child, uh, in an extramarital affair —

Dan Marino: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! We agreed that that was off-limits!!

James Brown: That was BEFORE, Dan Marino!!

Dan Marino: Oh, come on!

James Brown: This is a NEW WORLD now!! We have to fill AIR TIME now! We all gonna have to ADMIT to some stuff!!

Dan Marino: Okay, then — why don’t YOU admit to something?!

James Brown: Fine! I’ve never seen the show “2 Broke Girls”! I mean, I’ve seen actual broke girls! But they didn’t look like pretty white girls in aprons! Shannon! Go!

Shannon Sharpe: Okay. Ray Lewis knows who killed those people, because it was HIM!!

James Brown: OH!! That is JOT true! That is NOT true!

Shannon Sharpe: I had to say something! I HAD TO!!

[ suddenly, the lights come back on ]

James Brown: Oh! Oh! Oh, and the lights are back on!

Shannon Sharpe: Okay… okay, I really need to leave this game before Ray is done, okay? I really need to leave!

James Brown: Alright. Well, we’ll be back with the second half after this, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 16th, 2013

Christoph Waltz

Alabama Shakes

None

None

None

Triumph CruiseSummary: Triumph Cruise directors (Jason Sudeikis, Cecily Strong) try to keep passengers calm with onboard entertainment as the situation deteriorates around them.

Transcript

Montage

Christoph Waltz’s MonologueSummary: Despite being from Austria, Christoph Waltz endures German stereotype gags, then sings the Austrian favorite “Smile, Damn You, Smile!”

What Have You Become?Summary: Game show format examines the empty lives of its host (Christoph Waltz) and contestants (Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Aidy Bryant).

Transcript

Papal SecuritiesSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) gives retiring Pope Benedict XVI (Christoph Waltz) the kind of financial advice he needs to survive on a fixed income.

Transcript

TiffySummary: At a party, Tiffy (Nasim Pedrad) always comes in late to the conversations of her social peers.

Djesus UncrossedSummary: In a new movie by Quentin Tarantino, Jesus (Christoph Waltz) rises from the dead and conquers his enemies with a deadly sword.

Transcript

JaMarcus BrothersSummary: Couple (Cecily Strong, Taran Killam) enjoys the romantic soul stylings of the JaMarcus Brothers Marcus (Kenan Thompson) and Darnell (Jay Pharoah), but cringe at the inexperienced stylings of their adopted white brother Englebert (Christoph Waltz).

Transcript

Alabama Shakes performs “Hold On”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Sen. Marco Rubio (Taran Killam) explains his awkward water grab while rebutting President Obama’s State of the Union Address. Russian native Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) comments on the meteorite that exploded over Russia this week. ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) screams his comments about the turbulent season for the L.A. Lakers.

Recurring Characters: Stephen A. Smith.

Regine at the ClubSummary: While at a trendy club, Louis (Christoph Waltz) introduces his friends to his new girlfriend Regine (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Regine.

Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocey (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer), and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) discuss President Obama’s State of the Union Address with Ted Ngugent (Bill Hader), then question U.K. Food Standard agent (Fred Armisen) about England’s horsemeat scandal.

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocey, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Ted Nugent.

Alabama Shakes performs “Always Alright”

Secret Admirer LetterSummary: Jennifer (Cecily Strong) is creeped out by a poorly-written secret admirer letter, unaware that it was sent by Dimitri (Christoph Waltz) the shy foreign security guard in her office.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: What Have You Become?



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14




















12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

What Have You Become?

Mack Montgomery…..Christoph Waltz
Donald Latimer…..Kenan Thompson
Patrick Vance…..Bill Hader
Meredith Fine…..Aidy Bryant
Donald’s Grandfather…..Jay Pharoah
Great-Grandma Ernestine…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on GSN graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching… The Game Show Network.

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Mack Montgomery: Hello! and welcome to America’s… newest game show. I’m your host — Mack Montgomery — and I just LOVE this game! Before we get started, let’s meet our thre contestants! First, it’s Donald Latimer.

Donald Latimer: Hey, Mack!

Mack Montgomery: Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Donald Latimer: Oh, sure thing! I’m a self-employed entrepreneur… and when I was little, I loved space… and now I have the highest score on Space Invaders in all of Alabama!

Mack Montgomery: Wow-how! That’s impressive! Next up is Patrick Vance. Patrick, tell us about yourself.

Patrick Vance: Well, I’m 38 years young! I was Valedictorian in high school and college, and — this is kind of embarrassing — I love Katy Perry! [ he laughs ] Last year, I saw her concert, like, a hundred times.

Mack Montgomery: Wow! That’s committment! Finally, we have Meredith Fine. Meredith, what’s going on with you?

Meredith Fine: Well, I live in Ontario, California! I have one beautiful daughter, who’s seventeen! And I like to knit, but I’m not very good! [ she laughs ]

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing along ] Okay! What a crew! Donald has the highest score on a video game, Patrick is Katy Perry’s superfan, and Meredith is decent at knitting. It’s time to play:

Audience: [ as graphic appears ] “What Have You Become?”

Mack Montgomery: Donald! You’re up first. Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Donald Latimer: Well, I, uh… [ he pauses and reflects with great horror ] Oh, my God…! I love space…! I could have been an astronaut! A self-employed entrepreneur — that’s not even REAL! I don’t DO anything!! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Ohhh, sorry, Donald! Patrick, it’s your turn. You’ve paid for parking at a HUNDRED Katy Perry concerts —

Patrick Vance: [ proudly ] At least!

Mack Montgomery: Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Patrick Vance: [ he suddenly drops his smile ] Oh, God! My God! I follow Katy Perry on tour. I go alone. I tell everyone my daughter’s in the bathroom, but… I don’t have a daughter… What have I become?

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Sorry, Patrick! We can’t accept that — and, Patrick.. Patrick… neither should you.

Patrick Vance: [ he nods ] I know…

Mack Montgomery: Alright, Meredith — you had a chance earlier to say ANYTHING about yourself, and you chose that you were bad at KNITTING! So your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Meredith Fine: [ smiling ] Okay! I see what you’re trying to do, Mack, but it’s not gonna work, so stop the music, okay? I always wanted to be a mom, and now I have a beautiful daughter and I’ve become exactly what I want!

[ ding ]

Mack Montgomery: Ah-ha! Good for you! Quick follow-up: Are you happy?

Meredith Fine: NO!! My daughter’s a BITCH!! [ she breaks into tears ]

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Thought so! Okay, time for Round Two!

Donald Latimer: Uh, I don’t want to play if you’re gonna keep asking the same question!

Mack Montgomery: Of course not — that would be cruel! So, instead, to ask the questions — let’s bring out each of your oldest living relatives! First up, it’s Donald’s GRANDFATHER!

[ Donald does a double-take at his grandfather towering over him ]

Donald’s Grandfather: Donald! What have you become?

[ piano music swells ]

Donald Latimer: [ near crying ] Oh, God…! Grampy! You fought in TWO wars! Yesteray, I fought a parking ticket — and I LOST! [ crying ] What have I become?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Aw, rough day for Donald! Patrick, your question is a two-parter, and it comes from your Great-Grandma Ernestine!

Great-Grandma Ernestine: Patrick… What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: And the second part?

Great-Grandma Ernestine: [ holding up Patrick’s graduation photo ] What happened to this bright, young boy?

[ piano music swells ]

Patrick Vance: Uh… you knew Elenour Roosevelt… All I know is the name of Katy Perry’s cat. It’s “Kitty Purry“. [ he breaks into a pathetic cry ]

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Awww, sorry, Patrick! Meredith, onto you.

Meredith Fine: You know what, Mack? How about I ask you a question?

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing nervously ] That’s not how the game works!

Meredith Fine: [ sternly ] What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: Well, uh… a GAME SHOW HOST…! [ his face turns serious, as piano music swells ] But I wanted to dance… “Mama! Let me dance!” “No, boy! You’ve got to go to Game Show School!” “But, Mama! My feet want to move!” “They belong behind a podium, boy!” “Mama! No!” [ buzzer sounds ] Oh, God…! What have I become?!! [ ] I want to dance! Let me fly!

Announcer: That’s all the time we have! Join us next week, for an all new “What Have You Become?”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: JaMarcus Brothers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14














12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

JaMarcus Brothers

Woman…..Cecily Strong
Man……Taran Kllam
Marcus JaMarcus……Kenan Thompson
Darnell JaMarcus……Jay Pharoah
Englebert JaMarcus…..Christoph Waltz

Woman: It’s Friday night and me and my man are about to get all up and down sexy.

Man: Noice.

Woman: But I need something to get me in the mood, to make my body groove.

Marcus JaMarcus: I think we can help you there. Hello girl, we’re the JaMarcus Brothers.

Darnell JaMarcus: I’m Darnell JaMarcus.

Marcus JaMarcus: And I’m Marcus JaMarcus. I was named in a big ol’ hurry.

Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah! And we’re here to make your body tingle-tangle with our new CD full of songs like this:

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, let’s get down tonight.

Darnell JaMarcus: Hey girl!

Marcus JaMarcus: Baby, turn off all the lights.

Darnell JaMarcus: Turn off!

Marcus JaMarcus: We’re gonna treat your booty right.

Darnell JaMarcus: So right girl!

Engelbert JaMarcus: Let’s have sex like crazy!

Man: Hey! Who is that other guy?

Woman: That’s the third JaMarcus brother, Engelbert.

Man: I’m confused.

Woman: What’s confusing? Some people have three children. And their songs are sexy, like this next track:

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, you better lock the door.

Darnell JaMarcus: Yeah girl.

Marcus JaMarcus: Do it on the sink and flow.

Engelbert JaMarcus: I like that!

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, we’re gonna get it on.

Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah!

Marcus JaMarcus: Making love till the break of dawn.

Engelbert JaMarcus: I’m going to listen inside your butt!

Woman: Mmh, yeah! If you close your eyes, you can hardly tell which JaMarcus brother is an adopted white virgin.

Man: I’m pretty sure I can tell.

Woman: It’s not who you think.

Man: Is it Engelbert?

Woman: Okay, it is who you think. But you definitely can’t tell who wrote which song. Songs like:

Female voice: “Booty So Fine”, “Beggin’ for Dat Booty”, “Please Explain What We Do Now That We’re Naked”, “Backside Nasty”, “Chocolate Lovin’”, “Where Does My Penis Go? Point to Where”, “Freak in da Sheets”, “Let’s Take a Shower, I’ll Go First and Then You Can Go”, “Up Underneaf Dat” and “I Bet You Did Not Expect That Birthmark, I Apologize, But It Is Beyond My Control! I Was Born with It, I’m Engelbert”.

Man: Yeah, here’s a question: are there songs with just two of the JaMarcus brothers?

Woman: I know what you’re looking for. Here’s a song with just Marcus and Engelbert.

Man: No, that’s not what I was looking for.

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get naked?

Engelbert JaMarcus: Ho, ha, yes!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get dirty?

Engelbert JaMarcus: I said yes!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get nasty?

Engelbert JaMarcus: And yes again!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna make love?

Engelbert JaMarcus: With our privates!

Female voice: So order now the JaMarcus Brothers’ CD “Now Is the Time for a Tickle Fight, He He!”.

Woman: And guess who named that CD?

Man: Engelbert did.

Woman: No, actually Darnell did.

Man: Oh weird?

Woman: Thanks JaMarcus Brothers, I’m ‘onna put on your CD right now and make love to my man.

Man: Actually no, I couldn’t get a boner right now if I tried.

Male voice: The JaMarcus Brothers. Order today.

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christina Applegate: 10/13/12




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 4


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 13th, 2012

Christina Applegate

Passion Pit

None

Usain Bolt

None
Vice Presidential DebateSummary: Martha Raddatz (Kate McKinnon) moderates a debate between an interruptive Joseph Biden (Jason Sudeikis) and an extremely thirsty Paul Ryan (Taran Killam).

Recurring Characters: Joseph Biden, Paul Ryan.

Transcript

Montage

Christina Applegate’s MonologueSummary: With a little help from Muppets knock-offs The Fruppets, Christina Applegate sings about this last burst of mundane, quiet time before Halloween and an endless slew of Autumn/Winter holidays begins.

Recurring Characters: Dane Cook.

GilletteSummary:

Recurring Characters: Andre 3000.

The CaliforniansSummary: Abandoned by his wife, Stuart (Fred Armisen) prepares to wed a new bride (Christina Applegate) as his Californian clan speak in overexaggerated valley accents and provide driving directions within every conservation.

Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Trey, Maid.

Tech TalkSummary: Online technology critics (Bill Hader, Kate McKinnon, Kenan Thompson) give harsh reviews of the Apple iPhone 5, until they come face-to-face with the sweatshops workers (Fred Armisen, Nasim Pedrad, Cecily Strong) who design them.

Transcript

Give Us All Our Daughters Back!Summary:

Recurring Characters: Denzel Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Steven Seagal, Liam Neeson.

Passion Pit performs “Take a Walk”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad). Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington, Jean K. Jean.

The SirensSummary: Odysseus (Jason Sudeikis) insists that his crew tie him up so that he doesn’t crash his ship into the rocks while listening to the haunting 1990’s musical selections of the Sirens (Christina Applegate, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong).

Halloween BallSummary:

Recurring Characters: Principal Frye, Steve Kane.

Passion Pit performs “Carried Away”

Dance StudioSummary: Jillian Chizz (Christina Applegate).

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christina Applegate: 10/13/12: Vice Presidential Debate



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 4
















12d: Christina Applegate / Passion Pit

Vice Presidential Debate

Martha Raddatz…..Kate McKinnon
Paul Ryan…..Taran Killam
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Usain Bolt

[ open on Centre College — Thursday, October 11th, 2012 ]

Martha Raddatz: Good evening, and welcome to the first and only Vice-Presidential debate of 2012. I am Martha Raddatz of ABC News, and I’m honored to be here moderating tonight’s debate. We have a wonderful audience, and it should be… a LIVELY evening! [ she chuckles nervously ] Alright, now, we welcome Vice-President Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan.

[ the two men step out, shake hands, and join Raddatz at the circular table ]

Martha Raddatz: Welcome, gentlemen, and, uh, a reminder that your performance tonight is extremely unlikely to affect the outcome of the election… so just have fun with it.

Paul Ryan: Okay!

Joe Biden: You bet! you bet!

Martha Raddatz: Uh, Congressman Ryan? We begin with your opening statements.

[ as Ryan talks, Biden makes faces on his side of the split-screen ]

Paul Ryan: Thank you. First of all… I want to thank Centre College for hosting us this evening.

Joe Biden: Oh, boy! Here we go! Oh, man!

Paul Ryan: Four years ago, President Obama made a promise…

Joe Biden: HA HA HA HA!!!

Paul Ryan: That he would bring down unemployment below 6%.

Joe Biden: Aw, this guy!

Paul Ryan: He said that by the end of his first term he would cut the deficit in HALF.

Joe Biden: Awwwwwwww!! [ he pounds the table ]

Paul Ryan: And yet, he still has not put a credible plan on the table on how to deal with the debt crisis.

Joe Biden: Okay, I’m sorry — Martha! Martha, Martha, with all due respect, this is a bunch of malarkey! This is malarkey!

Martha Raddatz: A bunch of “malarkey”?

Joe Biden: Yeah!

Martha Raddatz: What does that mean?

Paul Ryan: Uhhh — it’s Irish.

Joe Biden: Uhhh, no, no, no, no! Irish is I come over there and SMACK that dumb look off your face! That’s what that means!

Martha Raddatz: Hey! Do I sound like Jim Lehrer?

Joe Biden: No, no, no, no…

Martha Raddatz: And do I look like Jim Lehrer?

Joe Biden: No, you don’t.

Paul Ryan: No.

Martha Raddatz: Then don’t try to fuck me like I’m Jim Lehrer. Are we clear?

Paul Ryan: Absolutely.

Joe Biden: Yeah, absolutely. You got it.

Martha Raddatz: Good. Alright, the Number One issue here at home is jobs. My question to you both is: Can you get unemployment to under 6%, and how long will it take?

Paul Ryan: Martha… Vice-President Biden and I come from very similar places. I’m from Janesville, Wisconsin, and he’s from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Do you know what the unemployment rate is in Scranton right now?

Joe Biden: Sure do.

Paul Ryan: It’s 10%.

Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Ryan: And I just wonder what the Vice-President would say to the hard-working people in towns like Janesville and Scranton? [ he stares Biden down, then sips twice from his glass of water ]

Joe Biden: Well, I know what I’d say to my friend and the people of Janesville. Things may be bad where you live, but I guarantee you it is a PARADISE next to the burning coal heap that is Scranton, Pennsylvania! I mean, do you know that show “The Walking Dead”? It would make a good tourism ad for Scranton! I mean, if you went to the LOWEST circle of hell, you’d STILL be 45 minutes outside of Scranton! I grew up there! I love it! It’s the single worst place ON EARTH!!

Martha Raddatz: It seems many Americans are disenchanted with the political process and two parties who just can’t seem to work together. Is the era of bipartisanship over?

[ in the split-screen, Joe Biden swaps out his prosthetic teeth ]

Paul Ryan: Well… I would agree that the President and the Vice-President haven’t done the work to reach across the aisle. But I personally put together a bipartisan Medicare plan.

Joe Biden: Yeah, there’s no one Democrat who endorses it!

Paul Ryan: One partner is a Democrat from Oregon.

Joe Biden: No, he no longer supports it!

Paul Ryan: A former Clinton budget director.

Joe Biden: Who disavows it!

Paul Ryan: A Democratic congressman said he liked it!

Joe Biden: Yeah, he’s missing — he’s presumed DEAD! So… there’s that!

Paul Ryan: Mr. Vice-President, I know you’re under a lot of duress to make up for lost ground…

[ Biden guffaws boisteriously ]

Paul Ryan: But I think the people would be better served if you didn’t keep interrupting me.

Joe Biden: You don’t scare ME, Shark-Eyes! Alright?

Paul Ryan: Mr. Vice-President. [ he sips more water from his glass ]

Joe Biden: Hey, look — you think you’re tougher than me, because you do the P90X workout, huh? Because you’re younger than me? Let me tell you something, buddy — there is gym strong, and there’s OLD MAN strong! Okay? Do you want to know my workout? When the Amtrak breaks down on my morning commute, I strip down to my tighty whiteys… I push that BITCH all the way to Washington! That’s right! I’ll tell you what, man — I am MONKEY strong, brother! [ he makes monkey noises and laughs ]

Martha Raddatz: Congressman… the Romney-Ryan team has been criticized for not giving specifics on their economic plan. How do you respond to these charges?

Paul Ryan: Our economic plan is simple: We’re going to close loopholes, bring down tax rates, and erase the deficit.

Martha Raddatz: Can you please be more specific?

Paul Ryan: No. But let me say it again with hand gestures. When it comes to the loopholes… [ he makes a circle with his fist ] we are going to clo-o-ose them… [ he tightens his fist ] When it comes to tax rates… [ he holds up his hand ] we are going to bring them do-o-own. [ he lowers his hand ] And when it comes to the deficit… [ he holds out his hand ] we are going to erase it. [ he motions his hand like he’s erasing a chalkboard ]

Martha Raddatz: Congressman Ryan, I’ve just been told America’s small children would like you to stop looking directly into the lens. Apparently, they find it upsetting.

Paul Ryan: Oh! Understood.

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, the baseball Play-Offs are in full swing with four teams remaining — The Yankees, Tigers, Giants, and Cardinals. So, if you can, could you please speak personally about abortion?

Paul Ryan: About ten years ago, my wife, Janet, and I went to Mercy Hospital in Janesville for our seven-week ultrasound of our first-born child. Now, we saw a little baby that was in the shape of a bean, and to this day, we have nicknamed our first-born child “Bean”. We also nicknamed our second and third child “Bean”. I figured out later: That’s what all babies look like at seven weeks. They look like beans. [ Biden leans his head back in agony ] And the only thing I love more than beans… is babies.

Martha Raddatz: Vice-President Biden?

Joe Biden: Look, Martha — I’m a Catholic. I’m a real-world Catholic. Now, when it comes to church… I may not go every Sunday. But on Christmas Eve, I am FRONT ROW CENTER, singing “Joy to the World” as LOUDLY and as OFF-KEY as I can! [ Ryan sips from an oversized glass of water ] I ACCEPT the teachings of the Catholic Church, but then, like most Catholics, I ignore them and do what I want! Okay? Now… I feel kind of guilty about that, but, uh… yeah, whatever!

Martha Raddatz: Closing statements, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: To our seniors, I want to say: Folks… who do you trust on this? [ in the split-screen, Ryan sips from a pet water bottle ] Alright, to our tropps, I want to say: Guys, gals — we honor your service. To the Afghan troops, who will soon take over the security of their own nation, I say: [ speaks foreign phrase ] And to the young people out there who worry that they’re never gonna see that Social Security they’re entitled to, I say: Don’t worry, homies! Big Daddy Joe’s got your back! [ he makes a series of gang gestures ] PEACE OUT!!

Martha Raddatz: And, Congressman Ryan?

Paul Ryan: Don’t let anyone tell you something’s impossible. Take it from me — not only have I run a sub-three minute marathon AND a sub-four minute mile… just this summer, with very little training, I competed in — and won — the Hundred Meters at the London Olympics.

Joe Biden: Aw, that’s not true!

Paul Ryan: Yes, it is true.

Joe Biden: No, it’s not!

Paul Ryan: If you don’t believe me, ask my running partner — Usain Bolt!

[ Usain Bolt appears and leans over Ryan’s shoulder ]

Paul Ryan: Usain? Please tell him who won the Hundred Meters.

Usain Bolt: I did.

Paul Ryan: You did?

Usain Bolt: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Ryan: And where did I finish?

Usain Bolt: You didn’t finish. You weren’t even there.

Paul Ryan: Thank you, Usain.

Usain Bolt: No problem. [ he gives the camera a thumbs-up and leaves ]

Martha Raddatz: That concludes tonight’s debate.

Joe Biden: Uh — uh — uh, I’m sorry, Martha! Can I just do one thing?

Martha Raddatz: Sure.

[ Biden crosses the split-screen, licks his thumbs and rubs off Ryan’s widow’s peak ]

Joe Biden: Oh, that thing’s been driving me crazy! Huh?

Martha Raddatz: And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christina Applegate: 10/13/12: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 4




12d: Christina Applegate / Passion Pit

Goodnights

…..Christina Applegate

Christina Applegate: Thank you Passion Pit! Usain Bolt! Lorne Michaels, I love you! Saving grace, you’re the light of my life! This is the BEST night of my life! so much fun! Oh, my God — yayyyy! Good night!

SNL Transcripts