Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

American Enterprise

William Barnes…..Jon Hamm
G. Clifford Noble…..Bill Hader

Male Announcer: You’re watching CNBC. The “C” stands for the “C” word. Up next: it’s “American Enterprise, chronicling the history of great American businesses.

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

Female Announcer: This week, we look at the success story of American entrepreneurs Barnes & Noble. This great American company was founded in New York City by William Barnes and G. Clifford Noble, two men with a simple dream.

[ dissolve to William Barnes reading in a leather chair, as G. Clifford Noble steps forward ]

G. Clifford Noble: Hello, Barnes.

William Barnes: [ stands to shake Noble’s hand ] Hello, my dear Noble!

[ SUPER: “Historical Reenactment, New York City, 1917” ]

G. Clifford Noble: Barnes… I’ve been thinking that this city is lacking… something.

William Barnes: I’ve been thinking the same thing.

G. Clifford Noble: There are places where you can buy grain…

William Barnes: And places where you can buy grog…

G. Clifford Noble: But we need a place that serves a community!

William Barnes: And enriches the soul!

G. Clifford Noble: Yes! My dear Barnes, we need to build a place… where homeless people can go to the bathroom!

William Barnes: That’s exactly what I was thinking!

G. Clifford Noble: A huge building with an unlocked bathroom, where homeless people can drop their pants and just GO TO TOWN!

William Barnes: Where they won’t have to ask or buy anything — they can just GO!

G. Clifford Noble: Yes. And regular people can go to the bathroom there, too.

William Barnes: Yes, yes — if they’re desperate! If they’ve been walking around all day drinking coffee and they aggressively have to go to the bathroom!

G. Clifford Noble: Indeed. Noble, my friend, this is a capitol idea!

[ they shake on it ]

[ dissolve to sketches of the first Barnes & Noble Homeless Bathroom building ]

Female Announcer: And, so, the first Barnes & Noble opened in 1917. It was a rousing success. In order to pay for the massive daily clean-up, however, Barnes & Noble needed to sell a product — [ quickly ] and they chose books!

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

Female Announcer: Thank you for joining us on this episode of “American Enterprise”. For CNBC, this whole time, I’ve been Madonna. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

New Senator

Harry Reid…..Will Forte
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Robert Byrd…..Bill Hader
Barbara Boxer…..Nasim Pedrad
Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen
Scott Brown…..Jon Hamm

[ open on Sen. Harry Reid’s office ]

Sen. Harry Reid: Thank you all for coming. As you know, this election in Massachusetts has really thrown a monkey wrench into our plans for health care reform, which is a shame because, before the Massachusetts election, us Democrats were really getting things done.

[ everyone agrees ]

Sen. Harry Reid: Now, the Democratic party needs to adjust its legislative agenda. That’s why I’ve invited our senior party leadership here today: Speaker Pelosi… [ she grins ] Senator Robert Byrd…

Sen. Robert Byrd: [ dazed ] Huh?

Sen. Harry Reid: Senator Barbara Boxer… [ she nods ] and Congressman Barney Frank.

Barney Frank: This meeting is long overdue!

Sen. Harry Reid: Look, we’re in crisis mode and, thanks to this Scott Brown fellow, we’ve lost our supermajority.

Nancy Pelosi: It’s hard to believe this one guy could jeopardize our entire legislative agenda.

Barney: Some pretty boy who drives a truck and showed his hiney in “Cosmo”?

Sen. Robert Byrd: Everyone is acting like he’s the second coming of Douglas Fairbanks!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Frankly, I don’t see what the appeal is.

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room ]

Scott Brown: Hello?

Sen. Harry Reid: May I help you?

Scott Brown: Yeah. Sorry. Uh, I must have the wrong office. [ he laughs ] I’m still getting used to the lay of the land, here. I’m new!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Wait a second, are you — ?

Scott Brown: Senator Scott Brown. But, uh — [ he smiles ] you can call me “Scott”. [ he winks at the camera, then exits ]

Sen. Barbara Boxer: I will. Scott.

Sen. Harry Reid: All right, uh, let’s get back to health care. Now, if we’re going to get this bill passed in the next six months —

[ Boxer begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed as a topless doctor ]

Scott Brown: Oh, hi, Barbara. How’s your health care plan going? You know, I’m against the public option but I can offer you a pubic option. Because I just found a lump… in my underpants.

Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ seductively ] I think I’d better take a look at that!

Sen. Harry Reid: Uh, Senator Boxer? Senator Boxer, are you listening?

Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ coming to ] Yes. Sorry, Senator.

Nancy Pelosi: All right, all right. Let’s get serious, folks. We can’t let Scott Brown derail our agenda.

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]

Scott Brown: Oh, sorry, uh — whoops! Wrong door again. Sorry. I was looking for the bathroom.

Nancy Pelosi: Down the hall, to the right.

Scott Brown: Oh! Thanks, Speaker Pelosi. And, let me just say, I’m looking forward to working… closely with you. [ he winks at the camera, then exits ]

Nancy Pelosi: [ curious ] Closely?

Sen. Harry Reid: Okay, let’s talk economy. With this new spending freeze, job creation is going to be harder than ever —

[ Pelosi begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed in chaps ]

Scott Brown: Hey there, Nancy, you’re the Speaker of the House? [ Pelosi nods, smiling ] Well, I hope you’re a screamer in the bedroom. [ Pelosi nods, smiling ] I want to introduce something to the floor — it’s called… your panties.

Nancy Pelosi: Oohh! Mama like!

Sen. Harry Reid: Speaker Pelosi!

Nancy Pelosi: [ dazed ] What?

Barney Frank: Did you just say “Mama like”?

Nancy Pelosi: No. I said, uh… “Obama-like.” I like Obama… because… he’s Hawaiian.

Sen. Harry Reid: Why is everyone so distracted today?

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]

Scott Brown: Oh, what? No way! This office again? I’m sorry. This building is like a maze! I was looking for the cafeteria.

Barney Frank: Second floor!

Scott Brown: Thanks, Barney! And, I just want to say, if we’re going to effect real change in his country, we have to put partisan politics behind us and be open-minded.Trust me, I am open to anything. [ he winks twice at the camera, then exits ]

[ Barney Frank begins to salivate ]

Sen. Harry Reid: All right. Now, we need to —

Barney Frank: Shut up, shut up, shut up! I’m trying to imagine something, hold on!

[ Barney Frank begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed as a construction worker ]

Scott Brown: Hey, Barney! You worried about a filibuster? Because I’m about to “filibust” out of these jean shorts!

[ Barney Frank extends his fingers to pinch fantasy Scott Brown’s butt ]

Barney Frank: Come here, you! [ he giggles ]

Sen. Harry Reid: Congressman! What are you doing?!

Barney Frank: [ regaining his composure ] Nothing.

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]

Scott Brown: Oh, wow! Sorry. Can you believe this? First day on the job, and I spill chili all over my shirt.

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Oh, you’d better take off your shirt.

Nancy Pelosi: Take mine! [ she begins to unbutton her shirt ]

Sen. Robert Byrd: All right, enough! Enough! Let’s see what all the fuss is about. [ he puts his glasses on ]

[ Scott Brown winks twice at Byrd and shoots a finger-pistol ]

[ Byrd begins to indulge in a fantasy of a black-and-white Scott Brown dressed as a 1920’s flapper ]

Sen. Robert Byrd: My word! I do believe I’m having a revelry!

Sen. Harry Reid: All right, all right! That’s enough! We are representatives of the United States of America! Now, are we going to focus on running this country, or are we going to waste our time thinking about Scott Brown?

Everyone: We’re going to think about Scott Brown!

[ they all stand up to dance ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Closet Organizer

Housewife…..Kristen Wiig
Closet Organizer…..Will Forte
Testimonial…..Jon Hamm

[ open on black-and-white footage of a hall closet ]

[ SUPER: “DRAMATIZATION” ]

Announcer: Has this happened to you?!

[ Housewife walks up to closet, opens the doors, the contents spill to the floor ]

Announcer: Is your closet an absolute mess?! Are you way too STPUID to keep your closet clean?!

Housewife: [ offended ] Hey!

Announcer: Introducing the ZipCo Closet Organizer!

[ the closet opens to reveal itself as clutter-free, but with a man dressed in blue spandex. As objects are thrown at him, he swats them in different corners of the closet. ]

Announcer: Great for SHOES! SWEATERS! BELTS! HATS! PARKAS! JEANS! UNDERWEAR!

[ the Closet Organizer pockets the panties ]

Announcer: SOCKS! SCARVES! DOCKERS! WATER!

[ water is splashed on the Closet Organizer ]

Announcer: BLANKETS! LAMPS! TROPHIES! MARBLES PHONE BOOKS! ADDITIONAL WATER!

[ more water is splashed on the Closet Organizer ]

Announcer: LOOSE PEANUT BUTTER! PIE! PIE!! PIE!!! PIE!!!

Listen to this testimonial!

[ cut to Man giving testimonial ]

Man: I got so laid last night! I was at this club, and I went up to this really hot Black girl, and I was, like, “Hey — anybody ever tell you you look exactly like Beyonce?” And then I went in for the liss, and I noticed she had, like, a full man’s mosutache? And I was, like… “Let’s do this thing.”

[ cut back to the Closet Organizer ]

Announcer: It’s so simple to use! All it needs is two meals a day and a little bucket to do his business in!

[ more objects are thrown at the Closet Organizer, as he swats them in different corners of the closet. ]

Announcer: PILLOWS! TIRES! IMPORTANT PAPERS! GLASSWARE! ANIMAL FEATHERS! DIRT! AND CHEESE!

[ cut to Housewife ]

Housewife: A clean closet is just a phone call away!

[ cut to product card ]

Announcer: The ZipCo Closet Organizer! Available at Bergor Goodman and the gift shop at the Vatican! Order one today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Game Time with Randy and Greg

Randy Dukes…..Kenan Thompson
Greg…..Bill Hader
Frank Rack…..Jon Hamm
Greg Clones…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bryan Tucker, Michael Patrick O’Brien

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to sports talk show set, featuring a jovial Randy seated next to a near-catatonic Greg ]

Randy Dukes: Hello, and welcome to another edition of “Game Time with Randy and Greg”, your one-stop shop for sports talk! I’m former NFL running back Randy Dukes… and, with me, as always, is my co-host Greg — [ quickly ] Greg is not an alien! And, today, we’re gonna be talking about — what else?: The Super Bowl.

Greg: SU-PER BOWWWWWWLL!! AH HA-HAAAAAA!!

Randy Dukes: Okay! First caller is Rick from Passaic. What’s on your mind today?

Caller #1: Yeah, I just wanted to say that that Colts game was amazing! I told all my friends that Peyton Manning would bide his time, and then taken them down!

Randy Dukes: [ laughing ] You’re the man, Rick!

Greg: YOU’RE THE MAAAAAAAAAAAAANN… RICK!!

Caller #1: Also, I’m a first time caller, so, I don’t know if anyone has ever mentioned it, but… that guy, Greg, is an alien, right? Like, from outer space?

Randy Dukes: No. Greg is NOT an alien!

[ Greg emits a high-piercing shriek ]

Caller #1: Nah, he is. And, look, if you want to hide it so bad, Why don’t you just give him eyebrows?

Randy Dukes: Look, we tried! I-I mean… Never mind! Uh — let’s just hold all further calls and, uh, move on to our guest: Indianapolis quarterback coach Frank Rack. Greg had a chance to catch up with Frank after the Colts’ win on Sunday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to videotaped interview between Greg and Rack ]

Frank Rack: Yeah, well, Greg — Peyton got some real clear head there in the game. I was real proud of him, but, uh, we can’t really rest on our laurels. In a couple of weeks, we’re gonna have to face some real, tough —

[ suddenly, Greg lunges at Rack, and the video feed is lost ]

Randy Dukes: Well — well, that was bad. Uh — let’s welcome to the show, quarterback coach Frank Rack.

[ cut to Greg with a now-doppleganger Rack seated next to him ]

Randy Dukes: Oh, boy… alright, uh, let’s take a call. Tommy from Canarsie, what’s your question for Coach Rack?

Caller #2: Yeah, hey — uh, yeah — I had a question for him, but, uh, it looks like Greg transformed him into an alien.

Randy Dukes: [ shaking his head ] Look — Greg is NOT an alien! Alright? And neither is Coach Rack!

Caller #2: Then, why do they both have tails?

[ Greg and Rack chant “Greg! Greg!” as their tails sway back and forth behind their chairs ]

Randy Dukes: STOP IT!! [ he chuckles nervously ] We’re talking about football! This is, uh — this is a sports show, okay? Next caller, uh — Pete from Livingston!

Caller #3: Hey!

Randy Dukes: Hey!

Caller #3: Greg’s an alien!

Randy Dukes: GODDAMMIT!!

Caller #3: Also, I say there’s no way The Saints can stop Peyton Manning. What do the Gregs think?

[ cut to Greg and Rack studying a desk globe ]

Caller #3: Ohhhh, that’s not good. They’re talking about doing stuff to the Earth! That’s classic alien!

Randy Dukes: [ flustered as hell ] GREG IS NOT AN ALIEN!!! And they’re not gonna do ANYTHING to the Earth! See? Watch this! [ he pulls the globe away from Greg and Rack, as they shriek ] Oh, no! Shh!! Shh!! Here! Okay! Okay, take it back! [ he returns the globe ]

Caller #3: Anyway, I love this show — but it’s Colts all the way, baby! Oh, and, uh, by the way — there’s four Gregs now.

[ reveal Greg, Rack, and two more clones standing behind them ]

Randy Dukes: Oh, come on!!

Greg and Clones: YOU’RE THE MAAAAAANNNNNN… RICK!!!! HAW-HAAAWWWWW!!!

Caller #3: Oh, I see what’s happening: They figured out how to multiply!

Randy Dukes: Huh? Okay, w-w-w-we’re talking Colts vs. Saints, okay? And — and — no one’s multiplying!

Caller #3: There’s eight now.

[ reveal Greg, Rack, and six more clones standing behind them, all chanting “Greg!” ]

Randy Dukes: [ weeping ] Okay, well… that’s the show. So, to recap: Super Bowl fever… Colts vs. Saints… who’s gonna win…?

[ suddenly, Greg jumps up from below frame and shrieks at the camera ]

[ the video feed is lost once more ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Goodnights

…..Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm: Thanks to Michael Buble! Sharon Jones! The best cast on the planet! The best crew on the planet! Lorne Michaels! Thank you for coming! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Hamm & Buble

…..Jon Hamm
…..Michael Buble

[ open on stock restaurant close-ups footage ]

[ dissolve to itnerior, restaurant, as a couple enters and passes Michael Buble, who begins to sing ]

Michael Buble:
“Tonight’s the night, making it right
A perfect meal for you and I.”

[ Jon Hamm enters frame and addresses the camera ]

Jon Hamm: Good evening, I’m Jon Hamm. If you’re looking for a romantic night out at a restaurant that spcializes in pork dishes and fine champagne — look no further than Hamm & Buble (pronounced: Bubbly).

Michael Buble:
That’s actually pronounced Buble.

Jon Hamm: Well, Buble doesn’t work, so now it’s pronounced Bubbly!

[ Hamm smiles at the camera ]

Jon Hamm: If you enjoy a cozy atmosphere, excellent service, and healthy servings of pig meat accompanied by sparkling wines — you’ll love Hamm & Buble! [ to Buble, through clenched teeth: ] Now, SING!

Michael Buble: [ singing ]
“So, grab your fork, and pop the cork
It’s time for your mouth to celebrate.”

Jon Hamm: Take your pick from one of our delicious menu options, like the Hamm-Buble: a 12-pound, champagne-glazed Smithfield Ham. Perfect for lovers.

[ show waiter placing the large ham on a couple’s table ]

Jon Hamm: Or the Buble-Hamm: a champagne inspired by elegance and purity, filled with floating chunks of pork. That’s letting you know you’re drinking something special!

[ he holds up two glasses of the sparkling ham liquid ]

Jon Hamm: Let me drop these off!

[ Hamm exits with the glasses ]

Michael Buble: [ singing ]
“I know what you’re thinking, and I agree
This is a bad idea for a restaurant.

Oh no, he’s coming back. When I get a chance
I’ll explain how… it came to this.”

[ Hamm re-appears, and continues his pitch ]

Jon Hamm: And, if you like entertainment with your meal… you’re in luck! Every night at Hamm & Buble, Mr. Michael Buble will perform two shows: The 8 PM show, Michael is a ventriloquist; at 11 PM, he does a one-man show about William Faulkner.

Michael Buble: Don’t you just think it would be better if I sang in the shows?

[ Hamm gives Buble the evil eye ]

[ a bell dings ]

Jon Hamm: [ to the camera ] Excuse me! That sound means another delicious ham is ready!

[ Hamm exits ]

Michael Buble: [ singing, up-tempo ]
“I was at a party. Jon Hamm came up to me
I could tell right away he was pretty drunk.

He pushed me in the corner, asked me, “Do you like money?
‘Cause I have an idea that’ll make a fortune.”

I thought he was joking, so I started to laugh.
His eyes went black and he slapped my face.”

[ Hamm re-appears carrying a tray of ham and champagne, stopping to eye a nervous Buble closely ]

Michael Buble: [ changing his tune ]
“Delicious ham, refreshing champagne
Oh, what a wonderful restaurant.”

[ Hamm continues on ]

Michael Buble: [ singing with a whisper ]
“He’s holding me captive. He took my cell phone.
I haven’t seen sunlight, oh for days.

So, please call the police, before it’s too late.
I have a feeling he’s standing right behind me.”

[ reveal Hamm standing behind Buble, unpleased ]

Jon Hamm: Is there a problem, Michael?

Michael Buble: [ singing nervously ]
“N-no problem at all. So glad to be here.
This night is like a dream come true for me.

La la la da la. La la da la la…”

Jon Hamm: [ sternly ] You are on the thinnest of ice.

[ Buble lowers his head in fear, as Hamm smiles at the camera ]

Jon Hamm: So stop by by Hamm & Buble! If you can find a better place for pork and champagne… keep it to yourself!

[ Hamm grabs Bble by the shoulder ]

[ cut to exterior, restaurant ]

Announcer: Hamm & Buble. Because Hamm needs pork, and Buble needs champagne.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Jon Hamm’s Monologue

….Jon Hamm
Trevor…..Andy Samberg
Student…..Abby Elliott
Saleswoman…..Kristen Wiig
Jam Announcer……Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!

Jon Hamm: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow!

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Jon Hamm: It’s always been a dream of mine to host “SNL”. And that dream came true last year when I did it. So… honestly this time, it’s just for the paycheck. Now some of you may know me from the AMC show “Mad Men”.

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Jon Hamm: A lot of guys come up to me and say they totally identify with Don Draper, which I’m pretty sure means they want to cheat on their wife. Um… but so many people identify me with that character that they don’t realize I’ve been acting a long time. Um, in fact, before I was cast as the mysterious and debonair Don Draper, I did a bunch of stuff. For example, in the early 90’s, I had a guest spot on the teen sitcom “Late for Class”. I played the new kid at school — Bonzo. Uh, I think we have a clip of it. Check it out…

[ The music and graphic for “Late for Class”. ]

[ TREVOR and a STUDENT stand in front of hall lockers. ]

Trevor: Oh no! I forgot about the quiz!

Student: You better not cheat of me, Trevor!

Trevor: Hey Bonzo! Did you hear? We have a quiz in geography!!

[ BONZO is dressed exactly like Don Draper from “Mad Men”. ]

Jon Hamm: Lower your voice. Show a little respect! You panic every time there’s a quiz, as if it matters.

[ Trevor and the female student stare at Bonzo dumbfounded. ]

Jon Hamm: You go through life. Like a cockroach in the dirt. You people make me sick!

[ Bonzo exits. ]

Trevor: Bonzo’s crazy!

[ The female student gazes lustfully. ]

Student: Crazy hot.

[ The music and graphic for “Late for Class”. ]

[ Jon’s a bit exasperated as his feet glide onto home base from the quick costume change. ]

Jon Hamm: Bonzo died that episode. He was there to teach those kids about bike safety. But that was actually one of my better gigs. At one point, I had to do QVC. I think we have that, too?

[ QVC logo and music. ]

[ A SALESWOMAN dressed in earth toned clothing holds numerous turquoise necklaces. A table displaying the jewelry’s in front of her. ]

Saleswoman: Can you believe this? This is genuine turquoise from MAY-HEE-CO. That’s Mexico, people!

[ The saleswoman laughs hysterically. ]

[ Jon Hamm, dressed again as Draper, comes in. ]

Jon Hamm: Calm down!!! You’re hysterical.

Saleswoman: What?

Jon Hamm: Sometimes I feel like I’m selling jewelry with a little girl.

Saleswoman: But it’s genuine Mexican silver. It comes in a clasp and a ring and a –-

[ Not facing her, Jon slaps the woman across the face and departs. ]

Saleswoman: Wait! I’m sorry!

[ The saleswoman extends her hand. ]

Saleswoman: I love you!!

[ The saleswoman hastily picks up jewelry on the display table and holds it high. ]

Saleswoman: I love you!!

[ Jon’s back at home base. ]

Jon Hamm: I actually had sex with that woman. You know, being a working actor is a bumpy road. But sometimes you catch a break — like when I got to do stand-up on Def Comedy Jam.

[ Footage of an emcee introducing the next act to the audience from Russell Simmons’ Def Comedy Jam. ]

Announcer (V/O): All right! Put ya hands together. For my boy — Jon Hamm!!

[ Jon’s smoking a cigarette and holding a glass of whiskey. ]

Jon Hamm: Have you seen them? You know what I’m talking about? Those roundaway girls. With them big booties? And the stink!? Deez need to wash they ass!

[ Def Jam audience goes wild. ]

[ Jon’s back at home base. ]

Jon Hamm: And that’s how I got “Mad Men”. All right, we have a great show. Michael Buble’ is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

State of the Union 2010

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: The following is an NBC Special Event: the Presidential State of the Union Address.

[ dissolve to interior, real footage mixed with sketch footage ]

[ President Barack Obama takes his podium to thunderous applause ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Madame Speaker… Vice President Biden… members of Congress… distinguished guests… and fellow Americans. Five months ago… our nation lost one of its most honorable and courageous public servants — Sen. Edward Kennedy.

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

And… last week, in Massachusetts… we saw a special election… to fill his Senate seat. Now… that election… did not go my party’s way. [ a teasing smile to front for his annoyance ] So, naturally… all the pundits have their different theories… on what it all means. The fact is… no one knows. But there’s one thing we do know: Our nominee, Martha Coakley… was the single most incompetent candidate ever to seek public office in this nation’s history!

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

Shame on you, Martha Coakley! How do you not know that Curt Schilling pitched for the Red Sox? Martha Coakley, you are a disgrace! You couldn’t beat Dick Cheney for mayor of Berkeley! You deserved to lose, Martha! You deserved to lose. You stunk up the joint!

[ thunderous applause and several standing ovations ]

Thank you! Thank you!

Now, before we assess the state of our union today, let’s pause to recall where we stood when I assumed office just one year ago. Our nation mired in two wars… a collapsing stock market… an economy rocked by severe recession… and a government deeply in debt.

[ applause from the Democrats, no response from the Republicans ]

But that’s not all. Last January 20th, when Michelle and I first entered the White House, we were absolutely horrified at what we found: Dishes piled high in the sink —

[ dour reactions from a group of Republicans ]

Sheets that hadn’t been washed in months, perhaps years —

[ dour reactions from a larger group of Republicans ]

Floors littered with candy wrappers and dust bunnies… and a fridge filled with food long past its expiration date!

[ confused reaction from Sen. John McCain ]

The cable bill had not been paid since the Clinton administration, and service had been turned off years ago. Late fees alone ran into the hundreds of dollars!

[ Supreme Court Judge Alito shakes his head ]

Also — and I want to put this as delicately as I can — according to staff familiar with the furnishings… things were missing.

[ a sour reaction from a senator ]

But, of all the legacies left by my predecessor, none was as damaging as a jobless rate of nearly 15%!

[ dour reactions from a larger group of Republicans ] Putting Americans back to work has, therefore, been my administration’s top priority… and it will be until every American who wants a job has one!

[ thunderous applause and a standing ovation ]

Thank you.

Here are three jobs that, as of noon today, were still available:

[ reading from cards ] Teezak Bros. Roofing in Hinsdale, Illinois, has an opening for a part-time bookkeeper. Contact Bob or Andy Teezak at 1-800-555-0199.

[ no reaction from military generals in the crowd ]

Mike’s Burger World on Route 7 in Bellevue, Washington is looking for kitchen staff. Applicants must be available nights and weekends, and willing to wear a hairnet.

And… Local 507 of the carpenters union has a position available for construction on the new Hudson County Courthouse in Jersey City, New Jersey. Starting wage is $45 an hour. And, like most jobs on this project, it’s a no-show job. You can stay home all day!

[ thunderous applause, and a standing ovation ]

[ from sonewhere in the crowd, Brendan Fraser laughs and gives a lop-sided clap ]

So… that’s three jobs right there.

Annnnd — and that’s not all. In the months ahead, I plan to ask Congress for legislation ending the ban on gays in the military.

[ thunderous applause, except from the military generals ]

This, in itself, will create 30,000 jobs in our Armed Forces — as well as two new series on BRAVO.

[ thunderous applause ]

Also, there’s health care reform. To be honest, at this point, I could go either way on that. If you want it, pass it. Whatever. I’ll sign it. It’s your call. I really don’t care any more.

Thank you! God bless you! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 14th, 2009

January Jones

Black Eyed Peas

None

Darrell Hammond

None

A Message from the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: While President Obama is out of the country, Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) plans to quickly solve the Health Care dilemma.

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

January Jones’ MonologueSummary: January Jones meets obsessed “Man Men” fans, the “Mad Mennies” (Jason, Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen).

Transcript

TodaySummary: While singing, Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) is assaulted by members of the Black Eyed Peas.

Recurring Characters: Kathy Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb.

Rear WindowSummary: While filming her first scene in an Alfred Hitchcock (Bobby Moynihan) movie, Grace Kelly (January Jones) can’t stop farting.

Recurring Characters: Alfred Hitchcock, Jimmy Stewart.

WIIX NewsSummary: Once again, reporter Michelle Dison (Kristeen Wiig) finds herself strangely attracted to the young woman (January Jones) she’s interviewing for a story.

Recurring Characters: Gil, Michaelle Dison.

Transcript

A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a PartySummary: In a 1952 short film, a housewife (January Jones) demonstrates proper party-throwing etiquette to make her husband (Bill Hader) look good in front of his peers.

Transcript

Black Eyed Peas perform “I Gotta Feeling”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) uses racist rremarks to explain why he’s leaving CNN. Kim Kardeshian (Nasim Pedrad) can only talk about herself while attempting to discuss her sister’s celebrity-studded wedding. Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte) sing lyrics instead of commenting on the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Recurring Characters: Lou Dobbs, Jon Bovi.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HydeSummary: Dr. Jekyll (Bill Hader) seeks more funding for his serum, which relunctantly turns him into a gay Mr. Hyde.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: No matter what room he enters, a guy (Fred Armisen) can’t avoid walking in on his roommate (Andy Samberg) while he’s on the toilet.

Transcript

Black Eyed Peas perform “Meet Me Halfway”

Cloud GazingSummary: Jason (Jason Sudeikis) tries to get romantic with Kelly (January Jones) while looking up at clouds, even though she clearly has no imagination skills.

Transcript

Goodnights/Black Eyed Peas perform “Boom Boom Pow”Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Glamour GirlSummary: A crisis breaks out, but superhero Glamour Girl (January Jones) is slow to react because she takes too much time getting herself put together.

The Cougar Denb>Summary: Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and two new friends (Abby Elliott, Jenny Slate) interview a pair of airline stewardesses (January Jones, Fergie).

Recurring Characters: Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and fellow emcee (January Jones) promote an under-underground rock festival.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak.

Note: This sketch would be tweaked and later performed on the episode hosted by Blake Lively.

Tyson ProductsSummary: Mike Tyson (Kenan Thompson) promotes his frozen dinner line to a hungry family.

Recurring Characters: Mike Tyson.

Huckler’s PopcornSummary: Spokeswomen (January Jones, Jenny Slate) pitch popcorn product.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

A Message from the Vice-President of the United States

Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Vice-Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a Message from the Vice-President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Joe Biden seated behind desk in the Oval Office ]

Joe Biden: Hey-o! Large and in charge! The President’s away, and Joe will play! [ he chuckles ] Now, as many of you know, on Thursday, the president embarked on an 8-day trip to Asia. So, for the next week, Joe’s running things!

Now, before the President left, we talked policy; mainly, the policy about the Oval Office, and how I’m not allowed in it. [ he chuckles ] So why am I here? Because Joe Biden follows his heart, not instructions. That’s right. And Joe’s got a big ol’ heart! That’s why I thought I would do something nice for the president! So, I’m gonna take one of the things — one of the major problems facing this administration — and fix it, before he gets back. Yep! Just knock it out!

Now, I know I have to keep it simple because I only have a week to fix something. So I narrowed it down to three choices: Afghanistan… the economy… or Health Care. I can get ONE of these done! Alright?

Now, let’s start with Afghanistan. I would love to fix what’s going on over there — I really would — but there’s one problem: Afghanistan is a MESS! [ he chuckles ] It can’t be fixed! Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s just a corrupt, barren, backwater hellhole of a place! I mean, it’s worse than Scranton! They’re not very good at democracy in Afghanistan. You know what they’re good at? Growing drugs. [ he chuckles ] Real good! Yeah, some people will say Afghanistan is getting better. Well, of course it is! It’s the worst place on earth! It can only GET better! Afghanistan’s a lot like the contestant on the first episode of “The Biggest Loser”! You know, just because it loses five pounds, doesn’t mean it’s suddenly Miss America. I mean, come on, she’s still a FAT GIRL! [ he chuckles ] Hey look, I’m just giving it to ya’ straight — Biden-style! That place is a mess!

Now, my second choice was to fix the economy. Now, the problem there is: we already did it! I said it once and I’ll say it again: The stimulus is working. Now I know that might be tough to swallow if you’re unemployed, but look at me! [ he waves his hand in front of his face ] The stimulus is working. Right now, there are THOUSANDS of new jobs being created every day across America. Foreclosure lawyers and repo men, temps and bankruptcy specialists. So don’t tell me no one’s hiring. The quality of the work force is improving, too. If you drive behind a Home Depot right now, you’ll find a bunch of guys back there ready to help you put in a new deck! You’re gonna find fellows with Master’s degrees, former professors, and accountants. I mean, it’s amazing. And it makes me proud to be an American.

That brings us to number three: Health Care! Now here’s something I can fix and here’s how we’re gonna do it: We’re gonna cave in like crazy. That’s right. The president wants to pass a health care bill SO BAD… that he will literally sign anything. [ he chuckles ] You could water it down however you like. As long as it’s a stack of paper with the words “Hhealth care” on it, HEY! He’ll sign it! [ he chuckles ] I mean, remember that public option that was such a big deal? Gone! Poof! What happened?

Now, there’s more! Let ol’ Joe run down the compromises we’re cool with:

First, to those Republicans who want the bill to protect doctors from medical malpractice suits, you win! We’ll agree to a provision that would make it ILLEGAL to ever sue a doctor, and I mean EVER! If you need a new arm and he puts a leg on there by mistake, sorry! Hey, it’s better than nothing! You’ll just have to walk back home sideways. Put it in there. We will sign it!

Some folks are mad as hell that this health care plan might cover illegal immigrants. Fine! Fine! We’ll do whatever it takes to appease you immigration hardliners. You want to make sure that no copies of the bill will be printed in Spanish? Okay! Heck, how about a provision that forbids the treatment of any children under three who have their ears pierced? Put it in! We’ll sign it! We gotta pass this puppy!

Now, a lot of you are concerned that this is gonna cost taxpayers billions of dollars. Don’t worry! Ol’ Joe’s got you covered. I’m gonna ask that the Senate bill include a middle class tax cut, which is ALWAYS popular with both Democrats and Republicans. Now, some of you out there are asking, “Joe, how are you gonna pay for a $1.2 trillion plan by cutting taxes?”

[ he pauses, as if considering a response, then continues without answering ]

Finally… because I know how important a bipartisan bill is to this president, I want to make an offer to the first Republican senator to come across the aisle and sign on to this bill. You can write one provision of your own in the bill and seal it in this envelope, right here. [ he holds up an envelope marked “CONFIDENTIAL” ] I promise I won’t show it to the president until after he signs the bill into law. It can be whatever you want. You want a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage? I don’t know, that’s fine. Maybe a national holiday for Kenny Chesney, or a law that makes it illegal to be Nancy Pelosi. Whatever! Sky’s the limit! The important thing is that, when the big man gets back, he focuses on how I got the bill passed, and not on who picked the locks in the Oval Office.

And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts