Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 23rd, 2008

Tina Fey

Carrie Underwood

None

Amber Lee Ettinger

Steve Martin

Gov. Mike Huckabee

Don Pardo

Simon Rich
CNN Univision Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors fawn over hopeful Democratic nominee Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while barely paying attention a delusional Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Bio: Amber Lee Ettinger (1983-). Actress, model; appears as “Obama Girl” in a series of Internet videos, most notably “I Got a Crush… on Obama”.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph does not appear in this episode.

Note: Casey Wilson joins the show as a featured performer.

Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey is excited to be hosting the first show following the Writer’s Guild strike, but former TV scribe-turned-actor Steve Martin jumps onstage to offer tips on making the transition to actress.

Transcript

annualeSummary: New women’s hygeine product makes it possible for women to endure their period just once a year, albeit with dangerous side effects the remainder of the year.

Transcript

Rock of Love 2Summary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) vies for Bret Michaels’ (Jason Sudeikis) on his reality dating program.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: As “A Message to Old People”, an elderly man demonstrates how he is able to place his grandsons (Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) in popular movies as a treat for their grandma.

Transcript

What’s That Bitch Talking About?Summary: Male (Bill Hader) and female (Tina Fey) game show contestants must decipher cryptic phone messages spoken by various models.

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “All-American Girl”Also Performed: 06p.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Despite the mathematical impossibility, Gov. Mike Huckabee still thinks he has a chance to beat Sen. John McCain for the Republican Party nomination. Making a return to the desk to discuss “Women’s News”, Tina Fey insists that Hillary Clinton is the best candidate for the Democratic Party nomination.

Transcript

NBCSummary: A series of promos for NBC’s exhaustive “Celebrity Apprentice” incarnations in Thursday’s prime-time line-up.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ted Allen, Mary Jo Buttafuaco, John Mark Karr, Charles Barkley, Jennifer Tilly, Gene Simmons, Lance Ito.

Transcript

Ed’s ToastSummary: A drunken Ed Mahoney (Jason Sudeikis) makes an ass of himself while toasting the groom (Will Forte) at a wedding reception.

Recurring Characters: Ed Mahoney.

Transcript

Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon RidesSummary: Trying not to rub it in anyone’s face, Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) advertises rides on her hot air balloon.

Transcript

I Drink Your MilkshakeSummary: The Oscar-nominated film “There Will Be Blood” becomes a Food Network spin-off, as Daniel Plainview (Bill Hader) and his son H.W. (Amy Poehler) wander through a malt shop drinking other patrons’ milkshakes.

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Flat On The Floor”

Lady BusinessSummary: NBC unveils yet another “Sex and the City” copycat drama featuring an all-women cast.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Funeral ArrangementsSummary: Patriarch (Fred Armisen) discusses burial options with his family, which results in a series of financial arguments.

Family DinnerSummary: When a man (Will Forte) brings his girlfriend (Tina Fey) home for dinner, he worries that his sloppy brother (Andy Samberg) will sleep with her behind his back.

Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides IISummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) flirts with herself while riding in her hot air balloon.

Cruise ShipSummary: Two guys (Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis) meet a pair of girls (Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig) from Philadelphia while on a cruise ship.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Annuale

Woman…..Tina Fey
Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Third Woman…..Amy Poehler
Fourth Woman…..Casey Wilson

[ open on Woman walking across the scene ]

Announcer: What if you could have your period… just once a year?

Woman: [ she smiles ] My period? Once a year?

[ cut to Second woman, shopping for shoes ]

Second Woman: Once a year? I’d like that!

Announcer: New Annuale extends the time between your period… by eleven months.

[ cut to Third Woman, exercising on a mat ]

Third Woman: How does it work?

[ cut to close-up of hands opening the multi-pack of pills ]

Announcer: Each Annuale pack has forty-four weeks of active pills, instead of the usual three, keeping you on a constant stream fo hormones so your time of the month can be just once a year.

[ cut to Fourth Woman, painting a pink circle ]

Fourth Woman: That’s all I have time for! [ she laughs ]

[ cut to Woman and Third Woman chatting ]

Woman: And, when it is time for your period… hold on to your f–kin’ hat!

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Woman on a rampage, swinging a pink axe at her co-workers ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Fourth Woman on a rampage, roughing up a pink birthday cake in her hands while at a children’s birthday party ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Third Woman on a rampage, kicking her husband in the crotch with pink shoes and pummeling him with her fists ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Second Woman on a rampage, making out with her pet dog who wears a pink collar ]

[ cut to black-and-white footage of Woman thrusting her pink axe into the air while screaming ]

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Annuale’s not for everyone. [ as the text scrolls over color footage of the four women screaming ] Do not take if you are using MAIO Inhibitors or if your occupatino requires you to operate heavy machinery. Do not take Annuale if you ever plan to become pregnant, as it may turn your baby into a firemonster. In the days around your period, you may develop a leathery tail. Annuale may cause you to develop a second vagina. Notify authorities in your town when your period is imminent as they may want to incarcerate you pre-emptively like a wolfman.

Third Woman: Ask your doctor if Annuale is right for you.

Woman: And if she says it is… go to a store, buy a hat, and get ready to hold the f–k on to it!

[ the four woman laugh collectively ]

Fourth Woman: [ serious ] We’re not kidding.

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Annuale. Once a year. Period. [ a beat ] Oh! That’s a play on words! I just got that!

Third Woman V/O: Shut up! Ohhhhh, here it comes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides

Virgania Horsen…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside an airport ]

Virgania Horsen: Are you sick of the airport? The long lines? Security? The danger of terrorism?

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of hot air balloon soaring over the city ]

Virgania Horsen: Why not take a ride in a… hot air balloon?

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides.

[ cut to images of hot air balloons soaring over the city ]

Virgania Horsen: You don’t have to worry about terrorists… or long lines… and it’s just you and me — up in the air!

[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen standing in a hot air balloon basket that zooms to the front of the camera ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa! [ as she looks out from above the city ] Hey! I can see my house from here! Just kidding. Why not take a ride in my balloon? I’ll cut you a deal. [ the basket zooms away from the camera ] Whee-ee-ee!!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of an airport metal detector ]

Virgania Horsen: Forget about airport security. [ looks at the image of people entering the metal detector ] See you later, suckers. I’m taking myself a hot air balloon ride.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen floating across a green-screen sky in her hot air balloon basket ]

Virgania Horsen: Oo-oo-ooh! Fresh air! Listen: I’m not one of those college types who’s gonna talk your ear off. I bought a balloon, and it doesn’t mean I think I’m better than everybody else. [ she holds a book ] Or I can just read a book. I’m not one of those people who doesn’t know how to be quiet.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front a green-screen swatting words like “Long Lines”, “Terrorist” and “Airport Security” away from her ]

[ close-up of Virgania Horsen with the word “Winner!” in front of her ]

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of a green-screen image of hot air balloon soaring over the city ]

Virgania Horsen: So come on over, and take a ride in my hot air balloon, and I’ll take you wherever you want to go. I promise.

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in her hot air balloon basket ]

Virgania Horsen: Come ride with me!![ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

What’s That Bitch Talking About?

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Gregory DuBois…..Kenan Thompson
Richard Dinwiddie…..Bill Hader
Katherine Bagwell…..Tina Fey
Model 1…..Amy Poehler
Model 2…..Casey Wilson
Model 3…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: It’s time for the fun game of interpretation! “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Adn here’s your host — Gregory DuBois!

Gregory DuBois: Hello, everyone! And welcome to “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” We got two contestants ready to play! [ show each contestant at introduction ] He’s a medical researcher from Baltimore, Maryland. Please welcome Richard Dimwitty! And our returning champion — an editorial assistant from Scottsdale, Arizona. Plase welcome Katherine Bagwell. Okay, contestants, you both know the rules: by the end of the game, someone’s gonna walk away with a 1992 canary-yellow Mazda Protege. [ show slide of the car ] Are you ready?

Katherine Bagwell: Yes!

Richard Dinwiddie: Uh-huh.

Gregory DuBois: Let’s play “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Listen up, contestants, here we go!

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]

Model 1: Because I SAW him! Were you there? Well, then, you don’t know! You didn’t see the mess! The couch was ruined. I’m taking him back there, that’s what! No, they’re not! I’m gonna tell them to switch it! To SWITCH it!!

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: Okay, Richard — [ shrugs his shoulders ] What’s That Bitch Talking About?

Richard Dinwiddie: Okay, I — I — I heard her say something about a mess? And maybe some kind of, uh — some kind of a purchase? Is she angry that someone spilled a drink on her?

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: Ohhhh! I am sorry. Katherine, you want to take a shot?

Katherine Bagwell: Yeah, um — it sounds like she took her dog to the vet, and he gave her dog the wrong medicine, which made him sick.

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: CORRECT!! You’re on the board! Alright! Here comes the next challenge!

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 2 yelling toward the audience ]

Model 2: It ain’t my fault! I told him FOUR days ago! Well, then you tell her to get her ay-ass back on over here and unload all those vacuum cleaners herself! No, I don’t CARE!! She can go ahead! Y’all don’t even want to SEE what I gotta DO if I gotta come back there!! Y’all don’t even WANT to see what my ah-ass —

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: [ stunned ] What’s THAT bitch talking about, Richard?

Richard Dinwiddie: Uhhh — she’s obviously having a bad day of some kind. I-I-I’m gonna say she’s angry… at — at her mother.

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Katherine?

Katherine Bagwell: She works at Wal-Mart, and they want her to stay through her entire shift, but she can’t because she has to leave early to pick up her boyfriend who’s got his license suspended for driving under the influence of Oxycontin.

[ dinger ]

[ Richard is bewildered by the exactness of Katherine’s answer ]

Gregory DuBois: Excellent! EXcellent! You’re in the lead! Okay, let’s go on to our next clue.

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 3 speaking into her princess phone ]

Model 3: Okay… okay… okay…

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: Richard — What’s That Bitch Talking About?

Richard Dinwiddie: I — I — I have no idea, I don’t know how anyone —

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: Awww. That’s wrong. Katherine?

Katherine Bagwell: She’s getting directions to a margarita party, to celebrate her graduation from DeVry. She’s looking forward to it, but she’s a little apprehensive because the ghostly warnings of her father, the fisherman, still echo in the back of her mind.

[ dinger ]

[ Richard is again bewildered by Katherine’s display ]

Gregory DuBois: A-mazing! Katherine, you’re going on to our solo round! Richard, thanks for playing; you’ll be going home with “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” the home edition. Thank you very much, thank you very much. [ Richard exits the set ] Katherine? [ Katherine runs forward ] Okay, Katherine, this, time, instead of asking you What’s That Bitch Talking About?, I’ll be asking you “Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?”

Katherine Bagwell: Got it, Gregory!

Gregory DuBois: Okay, get three in a row, and the canary-yellow Protege is yours. Can I get thirty seconds on the clock? Here we go.

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]

Model 1: Yeah, well, I told them, “Just take it down, or I’m never giving them my business again!”

Gregory DuBois: Who’s That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: The Queen of Sheba?

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!

Model 1: And I told her, “Go ahead, MOVE IN with him! Ruin your life and your future!”

Gregory DuBois: Who’s That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: My dad!

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!

Model 1: Ugh, I would not be caught DEAD in that dress, the color palette is DREADFUL!

Gregory DuBois: Okay, Katherine — for the canary-yellow 1993 Mazda Protege… Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: Wow, I’m gonna say… Heidi frickin’ Klum?

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: YES!! Congratulations!! You will be going home with the Protege, and ONE free gallon of gasoline! Congratulations!

[ Katherine’s relatives join her on stage ]

Gregory DuBois: Thank you very much, folks! Be sure to watch in about twenty minutes for another episode of… “What’s That Bitch Talking About?” Okay, bye now!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

CNN Univision Democratic Debate

Written by: Jim Downey

Campbell Brown…..Kristen Wiig
Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
John King…..Jason Sudeikis
Jorge Ramos…..Will Forte

[ open on CNN graphics ]

Voiceover: This… is CNN.

[ dissolve to debate graphics ]

Announcer: The CNN-Univision Democratic Debate: America Votes 2008.

[ dissolve to Campbell Brown standing before the two Democratic candidates ]

Campbell Brown: Good evening, and welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Auditorium in Austin, Texas, for this historic debate between the two remaining candidates seeking the Democratic nomination for President. Illinois senator Barack Obama, and New York senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Campbell Brown, and I will be the moderator tonight. With questions coming from my colleagues: CNN Chief National Correspondent, John King… and Univision anchor, Jorge Ramos.

Like nearly everyone in the news media, the three of us are totally “in the tank” for Senator Obama. We will make every effort tonight to keep these bias hidden, but, should it become obvious, please remember we’re only human. I, myself, have been clinically diagnosed as an Oba-maniac! While my associate, John King, just last week suffered his third Barack-Attack. [ King nods ] As for Jorge Ramos, he is clearly… just obsessed with Senator Obama, kind of… to an unhealthy degree, really… and, uh — well, I guess you could just call him a stalker! [ Ramos nods ]

Now, let’s meet the candidates. Just four years ago, Barack Obama was known only as a brilliant, charasmatic, and universally admired member of the Illinois State Senate. Today, he is one of our nation’s truly visionary leaders, and, soon — knock on wood — the first Black President of the United States. Senator Barack Obama.

[ the audience applauds, as does Campbell Brown and Jorge Ramos; John King whistles through his two pinky fingers ]

Campbell Brown: In 1992, Hillary Clinton’s husband, William Jefferson Clinton, became the 42nd President of the United States. A few years after that, he cheated on her again, and she was able to ride the ensuing wave of sympathy into the U.S. Senate, against a weak Republican opponent in an overwhelmingly Democratic state. In the Senate, she is widely known as a good listener, with an excellent attendance record.

And our first question is for Senator Obama, from Jorge Ramos.

[ cut to Jorge Ramos, with Question Tag: “Is There Anything We Can Get Sen. Obama?” ]

Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama… are you comfortable? Is there anything we can get for you?

Barack Obama: No. Thank you. I’m fine.

Campbell Brown: John King, a follow-up?

[ Question Tag now reads: “Is Sen. Obama Sure There Isn’t Anything We Can Get Him? Because It’s Really No Trouble.” ]

John King: Senator Obama, uh — a minute ago, Jorge Ramos asked if there was anything we could get you, and you said, “No, thank you. I’m fine.” My question is: Are you sure? Because it’s, you know, it’s really no trouble.

Barack Obama: [ motioning his hand ] I… am quite sure. Thank you, though.

Campbell Brown: And our next question is for Senator Clinton. Again, from John King.

John King: Senator Clinton, less than two months ago you were the heavy favorite to be the Democratic nominee. Since that time, you have lost 31 of 38 primaries and caucuses to Senator Obama, including the last eleven straight. Now, do you still believe you can win this nomination?

Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] My goodness, John! This process is far from over, and I think it’s a little premature to start counting us out.

John King: Well, a few nights ago you lost BADLY to Senator Obama in Wisconsin. In theory, isn’t that a — isn’t that a state you should have won?

Hillary Clinton: [ shaking her head ] Not at all, John. Frankly, we never expected to win Wisconsin.

John King: He also beat you in Virginia.

Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] It was always our intention to lose Virginia.

John King: Well, what about Maryland? You lost there by twenty points.

Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] John, getting blown out by Senator Obama in Maryland has been a dream of mine since childhood.

John King: And, just in the last two weeks, Senator Obama has been making major inroads among your main supporters — blue collar workers, Catholics, and women.

Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, John! Apparently, someone forgot to tell that to white women over eighty! Because we’re doing very well there — just under 50%!

Campbell Brown: Now, as is customary at these debates, we’re going to have a questino from an ordinary citizen, chosen completely at random from our audience. Tonight’s questioner is: Obama Girl.

[ cut to Obama Girl standing in the audience ]

Obama Girl: Senator Obama? [ dance music pots up, as she lip-synchs: ] “I can’t wait til 2008 / Baby, you’re the best candidate / Yes, I got a crush on Obama / I got a crush on Obama –“

Hillary Clinton: Uh — excuse me — I — I’m sorry — um — I really have to say something here. First of all, that wasn’t even a question; second, she was lip-synching; and — and — third, I really find it diffiult to believe this particular questioner was chosen at random.

Campbell Brown: Senator clinton… if you ever… interrupt Obama Girl again, I will personally escort you from this building. Do I make myself clear?

Hillary Clinton: [ stung, she bites her lip before answering ] I’m sorry. I thought she was finished.

Campbell Brown: I think you owe Obama Girl — and the people of this nation — an enormous Obam-apology. Obama Girl, please continue.

Obama Girl: [ continues lip-synching: ] “On Obama / Barack Obama!”

[ everyone applauds Obama Girl’s question ]

Campbell Brown: Our next question is also for Senator Obama, and comes from Jorge Ramos.

Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama — [ chokes, rubs his shoulders ] Oh, God! I’m so nervous! I still can’t believe I’m actually talking to you! [ starts to lightly hyperventilate ]

Barack Obama: That’s okay. Take your time.

Jorge Ramos: Okay. Uh — as you know, uh, Senator… as I explained in the letter that I duct-taped to your front door — I’m sorry that it went on so long, I just, uh, I just really, really, really, really, really want you to be the next President! And not just because you’re a… fantastic human being, and the only person who can turn this nation around, but, you know, also because, deep down, I — I really and truly believe that it is DESTINY that you and I will one day be together! That, uh — you will become a part of me, and I will become a part of you. Joined as one. Does that make sense?

Barack Obama: Yeah, I guess. Sure.

Jorge Ramos: Okay. So, my — my question is: Are you mad at me?

Barack Obama: [ he thinks it over ] No. Not at all.

Jorge Ramos: Oh! Good! I was afraid that you might be mad at me because, you know, all the shilling for you in my campaign coverage has been so obvious, and, because I spend every night sitting in front of your house in a parked car.

Barack Obama: [ nods ] You know, Jorge… [ he motions with his hand ] as I travel around this country… I’m hearing the same… sentiments from every journalist I meet. Like the local TV anchor… in Columbus, Ohio… who brazenly wears an “Obama for President” button… as he reads the news. Or… the political reporter in Elko, Nevada… who rides around every evening after work… vandalizing Hillary’s yard signs. [ he reaches over to hold Hillary’s hand, but she struggles to pull it away ] But… for too long… in this country… the press has been hearing the same old refrain: “Just give us the news.. not your personal opinions.” And they’re tired… they’re tired of being told: “You journalists have to stay neutral. You can’t openly take sides in a political campaign.” And they’re saying, “Yes, we can. Yes, we can take sides. Yes, we can.”

Campbell Brown: [ fanning herself ] Wow..!

Jorge Ramos: Bullseye!

John King: Nothin’ but net!

Campbell Brown: Well, there’s obviously no way on Earth anyone could possibly follow that.

Hillary Clinton: Well, actually, uh —

Campbell Brown: So, this continues tonight’s debate. From all of us, here in Austin: Good night, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Ed’s Toast

Jenny…..Kristen Wiig
Billy…..Will Forte
Ali…..Tina Fey
Ed Mahoney…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on wedding reception, as Jenny toasts the happy couple to her left ]

Jenny: — and I remember she said to me: “Jenny… he’s the one! I FINALLY found the one!” Oh, God, I’m so happy for you two! [ weeping ] I’m so lonely… [ toasts her glass ] To Billy and Ali!

[ everyone sips champagne, except Jenny who swallows her glass whole ]

Jenny: That’s the stuff! Up next is… Billy’s best man. Ed?

[ Ed Mahoney approaches the podium chuckling heartily ]

Ed Mahoney: Whoo!! Wow! Wow, what an act to follow, huh? That girl’s got more problems than a math book! Yikes! [ chuckles loudly ] Howdy, folks! My name’s Ed Mahoney, I want to give a speech about my best PAL, here! Now, I’ve known this ol’ sack o’ potatoes here for 22 years! Though I’ve only liked him for the last nine! [ he chuckles ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! Well… not really! Not really, no. The guy was a real DICK in high school! He knows as well as anybody!

Like, anyway — when Billy asked me to be his best man, I thought LONG and HARD about it! And, as some of you ladies out there know, my THOUGHTS are the only thing long and hard about me! [ he chuckles loudly ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! It’s my thoughts and my CRAPS! [ he chuckles harder ] Oh, boy! Look at Ali’s face! Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt! God bless her! Lord knows he did in the body department! Holy moly, huh?! What a figure on this one — Jiminy Christmas! She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a SEX MANIAC! [ he chuckles ] Well, she met her match with ol’ Billy here! This guy’s laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers! [ he chuckles, as Billy turns red ] Although, they’ve probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms! Yeah! Hey — quick mushroom story for ya’: look, Billy and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight with a bowl of M&Ms! [ he chuckles ] Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour! [ turns to look at Ali ] Oh, boy!! Now I’ve done it!! Look at that! Look at Ali’s face! Poop, drugs, and gay stuff — every bride’s dream, right?! [ he chuckles ]

Look, folks — marriage is about honesty! You know what else marriage is about? Lying your BALLS off! Yeah! You know what else it’s about? It’s about playing STUPID for each other! Like, do I really think my wife believes me when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?! What the HELL am I talking about?!!

[ to Ed’s side, Billy and Ali are arguing about the speech he’s giving ]

Ed Mahoney: Oh, my goodness! Guys! I gotta be honest with ya’ — I’ve segue-wayed into an area I could NOT have anticipated! Yeah! And I’m beginning to second-guess that pint of Jack Daniels and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo! So, let’s see if I can wrap this up! [ he raises his glass ] A toast! A toast to Billy and Ali! Now, there’s a sad statistic going around that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Well, the other 50%… end in death. [ he snods solemnly ] Yeah. I hope you two DIE!

Good luck, goofballs! D.J., work your magic!

[ Ed begins to dance as the D.J. plays a dance track ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Goodnights

…..Tina Fey

Tina Fey: Don Pardo has been with NBC since 1944. Yesterday, he turned 90 — Happy Birthday, Don!

[ the audience applauds, as Pardo nods humbly and blows out all 90 candles from his cake ]

Tina Fey: Thanks to Carrie Underwood… Steve Martin… Gov. Mike Huckabee… Obama Girl! Thank you to my mother —

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Lady Business

Nicolette…..Amy Poehler
Partners…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis
Ms. St. George…..Kristen Wiig
Male Employee…..Andy Samberg
Third Lady…..Casey Wilson
Nan Winters-Rodriguez…..Tina Fey

[ open on black screen, with titles zooming forward ]

Announcer: From the creators of “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia” —

[ dissolve to four aptly-described women standing before a New York City backdrop ]

Comes a new drama about four powerful, beautiful, unrealistic women working in New York City.

[ title zooms forward, as offscreen fans blow their hair ]

“Lady Business”.

[ cut to Nicolette ]

There’s Nicolette. In the cutthroat world of business, she holds the knife.

[ cut to Nicolette standing over two male partners at a boardroom table ]

Nicolette: Now that I’ve been made a partner in this law firm, there’s going to be some CHANGES! From now on, meetings are no longer “mandatory” — they’re “womandatory”! [ she smiles, dabs lipstikck on her lips, and sprays perfume across her neck ]

[ cut to Ms. St. George ]

Announcer: If you want to know about the power of persuasion… ask a woman who can sell fire to a snowman.

[ cut to Ms. St. George standing over a male employee ]

Male Employee: This is some ad agency you’ve created, Miss St. George.

Ms. St. George: Thank you. And it’s pronounced “De Gorge“.

Male Employee: I apologize. Can I make it up to you by buying you a drink?

Ms. St. George: I don’t think you can handle me.

Male Employee: Why is that?

Ms. St. George: ‘Cause I’m a BITCH in the boardroom, a BORE in the bedroom… and I’m a BEAR on the toilet. [ she holds up a hairdryer and proceeds to dry her long, silky hair ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Lady Business”.

[ dissolve to split-screen of the first three women ]

Three women with beauty, power, and money.

[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez ]

And a fourth woman… who knows them, somehow… maybe from college.

[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez exiting her car in a No Parking zone, as a Cop approaches ]

Cop: Excuse me, ma’am, you can’t park here.

Nan Winters-Rodriguez: [ disgusted ] Oh, I can park anywhere I WANT! Don’t you know who I am?

Cop: [ shakes his head ] No. Who are you?

Nan Winters-Rodriguez: I’m Nan Winters-Rodriguez. I remove dead animals from underneath people’s homes, with a dead animal vacuum or a hook — and I’m the BEST! Now, step aside — I’ve got to suck a family of unlucky racoons out from under that Dunkin Donuts! [ she holds up an oversized Racc-Vac and grins at the camera ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Lady Business”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

I Drink Your Milkshake

Daniel Plainview…..Bill Hader
H.W. Plainview…..Amy Poehler
Guy #1…..Kenan Thompson
Guy #2…..Will Forte
Anton Chigurh…..Fred Armisen
Juno…..Tina Fey

Announcer: You’re watching the Food Network, porn for fat people.

Daniel Plainview: My name is Daniel Plainview. This is my son and partner, H.W. Plainview. I’m an oil man; I travel from state to state to find oil rich fields that I can drill on. But when I’m not doing that, I’m on a quest for my second love: the perfect milkshake. Welcome to my show.

[Theme song begins to paper cutouts Daniel and HW dancing in diners]

Singer: Oil, they call it liquid gold/But I prefer my liquids cold/I go from town to town/empty cups in my way/I drink your milkshake!

Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, we visit a famous ice cream parlor or soda fountain. Today, we find ourselves at Garity’s in Bangor, Maine. But enough talk, let’s go drink a milkshake, shall we? [Walks up to a couple at a table] Good day sir, ma’am.

Guy #1: Uh…hello.

Daniel Plainview: I’m Daniel Plainview, this is my partner and son H.W. I’m an oil man, but I also love milkshakes, and now, I’m going to drink your milkshake. What do you think of that?

Guy #1: I’m sorry, I don’t understand…?

Daniel Plainview: Well let me explain it to you, you have a milkshake, and I have a straw. [Pulls out an oversized straw]

Guy #1: That’s a really big straw.

Daniel Plainview: My straw reaches across the room, and I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! [Drinks most of guy’s milkshake within one slurp] I DRINK IT UP!

Guy #1: Yeah, well I have a cold, buddy, so joke’s on you.

Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, I’m joined by a special guest. This week is my good friend, Mexican businessman and assassin, Anton Chigurh. [Anton walks in with the cattle gun used in No Country for Old Men] How are you, Anton?

Anton Chigurh: What business of yours is it how I am, friend-o?

Daniel Plainview: [Laughs] Very good. You remember my boy, HW? [HW is missing from the scene] No! No! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve abandoned my boy! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve–[HW walks back onto the set[ Oh, there he is. Ah! Another milkshake. [Daniel, Anton and HW walk up to a table with an elderly man] Good day, old man. I’m going to drink your milkshake!

Guy #2: No you’re not, go get your own milkshake!

Anton Chigurh: Let me handle this. What’s the most you ever loss on a coin flip?

Guy #2: I don’t know, I couldn’t say.

Anton Chigurh: Call it.

Guy #2: Call it?

Anton Chigurh: Yes.

Guy #2: For what?

Anton Chigurh: Just call it.

Guy #2: Well we need to know what we’re calling it for! It better not be for my milkshake!

Anton Chigurh: We’re calling it for your milkshake.

Guy #2: I thought so! Well no deal, I’m drinking it with my milkshake! Sir, please tell your wife to stop bothering me!

Daniel Plainview: This isn’t my wife, this is a man.

Guy #2: A man? Well then why do you have a lady’s hairdo? [Anton shoots him in the forehead with a cattle gun]

Daniel Plainview: That’s all the time we have for this week. Join me next week when we go to the Moo Shop in Kenosha, Wisconsin with my special guest, a young pregnant girl named Juno. [external view of Moo Shop]

Juno: My kudos for whoever shook this shake, Magnum.

Daniel Plainview: I’m sorry, are you speaking English?

Juno: Where’s the bathroom, Fombonious {sp?} Jones? I’ve got the urge to purge.

[Title card appears]

Daniel Plainview: I’m finished!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Tina Fey’s Monologue

…..Tina Fey
…..Steve Martin
…..Simon Rich

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tina Fey!

Tina Fey: Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! wow, it is an honor to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, on the FIRST show back from the Writer’s Strike of ought-seven — TV is BACK! [ the audience applauds ] And, uh — it’s great to be back here with our crew. You know, we went on strike, and they missed twelve weeks of work because of that, and, um, it’s just good to be here with them and know there are no hard feelings.

[ a boom mike swoops down and smacks Tina across the head ]

Okay, maybe a little tension. But, uh — [ she laughs ] But the strike was very important to the future of our industry, and I am proud to be able to tell you tonight… that the Writer’s Guild of America has negotiated a deal with the studios, that would raise the rate of writer compensation for ad-supported electronic sale through downloads, from a flate rate of $600 for 26 weeks per 1,000 downloads… to a percentage of .036% of the distributor’s gross of any ad revenue generated by said treaming after an initial window of 17 days — starting in three years. So — yeah!

[ the audience applauds ]

That’s not bad. Anyway, I am honored to be here, uh — I was a writer here for nine years, and I’ve always thought of myself more as a writer than a performer —

Steve Martin: Oh boy, oh boy!

[ Steve Martin runs up and joins Tina onstage ]

[ the audience cheers with excitement ]

Tina Fey: Steve! Uh — what are you doing here, Steve?

Steve Martin: Well, Tina, I was just sitting home watching the show, and I — I heard you say that you felt more like a writer than a performer, and I said, “I’ve gotta get up there and help that girl.”

Tina Fey: Wow. That’s pretty fast.

Steve Martin: Because, tonight, of all nights, it’s so important that you are NOT a writer — that you are a performer!

Tina Fey: Be a performer. Yeah.

Steve Martin: Do you think you can do it?

Tina Fey: [ doubtful ] I don’t know if I’m really up to it —

[ Steve extends his hand and slap Tina across the face ]

Tina Fey: Right… you’re right… I needed that, yeah…

Steve Martin: You know, Tina — I was once small like you. People forget that I got my start as a writer, and why do they forget? Because I wanted them to forget! I wanted to be a STAR! Look at you, all slouched over, like a writer. All apologetic! [ turns to glance offscreen ] Look at those writers — you don’t want to end up like them!

[ reveal a trio of frumpily-dressed writers — Simon Rich and two others — standing in front of the CNN set with mouths agape, their souls lost in the momentum ]

Steve Martin: All — all weak and — all weak and — and — young! Now, STAND UP STRAIGHT!!

Tina Fey: Okay.

Steve Martin: Now, take off those glasses!!

[ Tina whips off her glasses and smiles ]

Steve Martin: You know… put ’em back on again.

Tina Fey: Okay. [ returns her frames to her face ]

Steve Martin: But, you know why? Because it’s a trademark, and people love trademarks!

Tina Fey: Okay!

Steve Martin: You’ve gotta stay loose and playful! [ grabs her temple ] A writer lives up here! [ pats his belly ] A performer works from the GUT!

Tina Fey: Okay!

[ Steve reaches over to pat Tina’s belly, then grimaces ]

Steve Martin: What have you got under there, bike shorts or something?

Tina Fey: Don’t worry about it.

Steve Martin: Oh. Now, let me hear you say it: “I can do it!”

Tina Fey: I can do it!

Steve Martin: Now, say it a little louder now!

Tina Fey: I can do it!!

Steve Martin: A little softer now!

Tina Fey: [ with a whisper ] I can do it.

Steve Martin: Now, say it like you’re — like you’re in an old-fashioned movie!

Tina Fey: [ as Mae West ] I can do it!

Steve Martin: Now, say it like a cartoon mouse!

Tina Fey: [ squeaky-voiced ] I can do it!

Steve Martin: Now, say it like a — like a — like a cartoon mouse in Spanish!

[ Tina rattles off a squeaky voice in an off-dialect ]

Steve Martin: Now, say it like a drunk Chinese woman!

Tina Fey: Ohhh, I can dew eet!

Steve Martin: [ stretches out his arms and smiles ] You know what I think? I think you can do it!

Tina Fey: [ smiles ] I think I CAN do it!

[ Steve slaps Tina across the face a second time ]

Tina Fey: What was that one for?

Steve Martin: That one was just for fun!

[ Steve slaps Tina across the face a third time ]

Tina Fey: Was that one for fun, too?

Steve Martin: No, that’s the Comedy Rule of Three.

Tina Fey: Oh.

Steve Martin: Now, introduce the show!

Tina Fey: Okay! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — Carrie Underwood is here!

Steve Martin: [ excited ] Carrie Underwood?!

[ Steve runs off to find her ]

Tina Fey: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts