Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Wilson Bros. Funeral Home

Four Eyes…..Jon Heder
Funeral Director…..Fred Armisen
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Heath…..Will Forte
Debbie…..Amy Poehler
Bobby…..Kenan Thompson
Judy…..Rachel Dratch
Lou…..Andy Samberg
Paul…..Finesse Mitchell
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
Cop…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Matthew Rogers” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Matthew Rogers.

Funeral Director: He’s right in there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as a group of friends stand around an open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Matthew. What happened?

Jason: Well he was a Counselor at a Summer camp, and while he was teaching the kids about eating right, he was dressed up like a giant sandwich and, well.. a bear came outof the woods and ate him.

Heath: He always loved wearing that sandwich costume.

Debbie: I’m glad you could make it, Bobby.

Bobby: Yeah. You know, I don’t mind driving the 500 miles for Matthew.

Lou: Matthew would be glad that we all got back together.

All: Yeah.

Bobby: Wow. This is so strange. This is only, like, the second funeral I’ve been to in my whole life. I mean, one time, when I was little, this kid died in my neighborhood and they buried him in his little league uniform.

Debbie: I hate funerals. Oh, Heath. [ latches onto Heath for a hug ]

Judy: [ holds up plate of deviled eggs ] Oh, um, I brought deviled eggs if anyone wants one.

Jason: I’m good.

Lou: Me, too.

Paul: [ happily ] Don’t mind If I do.

Bobby: Well, I got to get going. I got a big drive ahead of me.

Four Eyes: I hate that it’s under these circumstances but, it’s great to see all you guys.

Jason: Yeah. Good to see you again, four eyes.

Debbie: What happened to your glasses, four eyes?

Four Eyes: I got Lasik surgery. Don’t need glasses anymore.

Jason: All right, good for you. Hey, let’s promise each other we’ll all see one another before the next funeral, huh?

All: Absolutely. Great to see you guys.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] Two days later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Heath Bronson” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Heath Bronson.

Funeral Director: He’s right.. through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. What happened?

Jason: Well, Debbie, you want to take this one?

Debbie: Well, um.. after Matthew’s funeral, Heath came over to my house, and while we were making love, he had a stroke.

Jason: Well, that explains the look on his face.

[ close-up of the grin on Heath’s face ]

Judy: [ holds up plate of stuffed mushrooms ] I, uh.. I baked stuffed mushrooms, if anyone wants one.

Jason: No thanks.

Lou: Me, either.

Paul: [ happily ] Don’t mind If I do!

Bobby: Two funerals in one week. Wow, man, this is tough.

Lou: Oh, yeah, speaking of which, uh.. you guys remember that bear that killed Matthew? Well, I tracked him down and shot him.

Four Eyes: Good job, Lou.

Lou: Thanks, four eyes.

Bobby: Well, I better hit it. I got a big drive ahead of me.

Jason: Yeah, good seeing you guys.

Debbie: You, too. It was great seeing you. Let’s get together, you know —

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Paul Norvaks, Judy Putty” ]

[ the offstage sound of the shuffling of two caskets this time can be audibly heard during the set-up scene ]Four Eyes: I’m here for Paul Norvaks and Judy Putty.

Funeral Director: They’re through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket. Rachel Dratch can be glimpsed falling into the casket and laughing as the scene begins. ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Paul and Judy.

Lou: They were so young.

Jason: Yeah.

Four Eyes: What happened?

Jason: Well, you know those mushrooms Judy brought yesterday? They turned out to be poisonous. Paul ate one.

Four Eyes: Did Judy eat the mushrooms, too?

Jason: No, no. Paul realized he’d been poisoned, and with his last ounce of strength.. he strangled Judy.

[ close-up of Paul’s hands in a strangling position ]

Debbie: I’m so sad. Oh, Bobby, hold me.

Bobby: Whoa, easy, Debbie, don’t bring that death box around me! I got a big drive ahead of me.

Jason: Hey, it was good seeing you guys.

All: You, too. Yeah, good seeing you again!

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Bobby Windetta” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Bobby Windetta.

Funeral Director: He’s right.. through there.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Bobby.

Jason: Yeah, he was so young.

Four Eyes: What happened?

Jason: Well, it seems Bobby was tired from all that driving he’d been doing. So he pulled over on the side of the road to sleep, and he was attacked by a pack of hobos.

Four Eyes: I see he was buried in his little league uniform.

Jason: Mmm hmm.

Lou: Yeah, it was his last request.

Jason: Hey, it was good seeing you guys again.

All: It was. Good seeing you. Yeah, it was great to see you, no matter what.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] One day later.

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Lou Wagner” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Sweet Lou Wagner.

Funeral Director: He’s right through there.

Four Eyes: Okay.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Lou. What happened? Ah yeah, you remember that bear he killed? Well, that bear’s brother wanted revenge, so he tracked Lou down and killed him.

Debbie: I heard that Lou got shot.

Jason: Yeah, he did. The bear shot him.

Debbie: Oh. We should kill that bear.

Jason: Well, it’s too late. After the bear shot Lou, he turned the gun on himself.

Four Eyes: That’s horrible.

Jason: Hey, it’s great seeing you guys.

Debbie: It’s great seeing you always. It’s always great to see you guys, really!

Jason: It is. It is.

[ dissolve to exterior, Wilson Bros. Funeral Home ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] You’re not going to believe this but.. the very next day..

[ dissolve to interior hallway. Four Eyes steps forward as Funeral Director preps sign reading “In Memorium: Debbie Lassen” ]

Four Eyes: I’m here for Debbie Lassen.

Funeral Director: She’s right through there.

Four Eyes: Okay.

[ Four Eyes enters the viewing area, as his group of friends stand around the open casket ]

Four Eyes: Sorry I’m late. Poor Debbie. What happened.

Jason: Well, her boss got all pissed because she’d been taking so many sick days to go to funerals. So he fired her. She was so disappointed that she jumped in front of a bus.

Four Eyes: Oh, this has been a rough week.

Jason: Yeah. Hey, it’s good seeing you, though.

Four Eyes: Yeah, you know it, friend.

Jason: Take care, alright.

Four Eyes: Yeah.

[ Four Eyes exits ]

Jason: [ thinking out loud ] You know what? This is all too much of a coincidence. Who’s behind this? [ thinking ] Follow the money. Who is making a profit from this? [ Funeral Director enters suddenly, pointing a gun ] Oh, my God.

Funeral Director: So I see you figured out the plan. Too bad you won’t be alive to tell anybody about it. [ shoots and kills Jason ]

Four Eyes: [ re-enters ] Oh, my gosh, what have you done?

Funeral Director: This brainiac figured out our plan.

Four Eyes: Good job! He was the last one, and now none of them will call me four eyes again. I can finally put my glasses back on. [ puts on a pair of glasses ] Ahhh, that’s better. Ao, how much money did we make from all these funerals?

Funeral Director: $300 a funeral.

Four Eyes: We got away with it! Now I have enough money for Lasik surgery! Now who’s laughing? [ a knock at the door ] who is it?

[ two cops enter ]

Cop: It’s the police. We heard gunshots.

Four Eyes: Oh, crap!

Funeral Director: [ points at Four Eyes ] He did it. I just work here.

Cop: You’re coming with me, four eyes. Let’s go! [ grabs Four Eyes and drags him away ]

Four Eyes: No, don’t call me that!

[ Funeral Director steps forward ]

Funeral Director: What you’ve just witnessed is a re-enactment, showing what some unscrupulous funeral directors would do to make a profit. But at the Wilson Bros. Funeral Home, we don’t do that. So come on down. If you say tell us you saw this commercial, we’ll give you 10% off. That’s a Wilson Bros. guarantee.

[ dissolve to exterior ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 22nd, 2005

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Franz Ferdinand

None

None
Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush holds an obviously scripted Q&A sessions with American soldiers stationed in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.

Catherine Zeta-Jones’ MonologueSummary: Though initially nervous about hosting, Catherine Zeta-Jones is ready to make herself look foolish on live television — after all, as she sings, “They Can’t Take My Oscar Away.”

Bio: Catherine Zeta-Jones (1969-). Actress; married to actor Michael Douglas since 2000; reprises her role as the wife of Zorro in “The Legend of Zorro” (2005).

Butt Cancer Treatment CenterSummary: Butt cancer survivor (Jason Sudeikis) uses gross euphemisms to describe his recent treatment.

Transcript

Newsnight with Aaron BrownSummary: Stationed in the ruins of Pashwan, reporter Suzanne Carbonal’s (Catherine Zeta-Jones) personal hygeine begins to take its toll.

Recurring Characters: Aaron Brown.

Transcript

Dancer PartySummary: Sophie’s (Catherine Zeta-Jones) boyfriend, John (Seth Meyers), is uncomfortable being the only straight-laced attendee of a party inhabited by Bob Fosse-like dancers.

Franz Ferdinand performs “Do You Want To”Bio: Scottish rock quartet named after the Austro-Hungarian Archduke whose murder sparked World War I; members: bassist Bob Hardy, guitarist Nick McCarthy, drummer Paul Thomson, and singer/guitarist Alex Kapranos.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Doral High School football coach Donnie Freeman (Jason Sudekis) is oblivious to his lacking coaching schools. The voice of Don Pardo hits on Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Blind prop comic Pep Walters (Fred Armisen) stumbles through one of his jokes. A lone screen capture at the end of the broadcast pays tribute to the recent death of former cast member Charles Rocket.

Transcript

Italian HotelSummary: Italian hotel owner Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) and his employees (Fred Armisen, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Horatio Sanz) make stereotypical pop culture references to a group of American tourists (Amy Poehler, Jason Sudekis, Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.

Access HollywoodSummary: Sharon Stone (Amy Poehler) writes the song “Feed the Wet Ones” to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Stone, Aretha Franklin, Nick Carter.

Creighton Boys SchoolSummary: Fellow language teachers (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) are jealous of the popularity of the hot new French teacher (Catherine Zeta-Jones).

Transcript

Franz Ferdinand performs “Take Me Out”

Musical VowsSummary: A bride (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and groom (Will Forte) sing a bawdy tune about their courtship, then proceed to spank one another in front of distraught family members.

Transcript

Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Schatzki’s DeliSummary: Brad Scheinwald’s (Seth Meyers) secret meeting with an actress (Amy Poehler) to play the lead in an Emily Dickinson biopic goes awry when Grandpa Abe (Rachel Dratch) shows up with a Spanish TV actress (Catherine Zeta-Jones) he feels would be better suited to star in the role.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: This commerical parody later appears in the episode hosted by Jason Lee.

OutsidersSummary: Talk show format for the unpopular crowd.

Secret Democrat MeetingSummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler), John Edwards (Will Forte), Howard Dean (Jason Sudeikis), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond), and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) convene in secret to discuss the 2008 nomination.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Al Gore, John Kerry.

Sexy DentistSummary: A seductive dentist (Catherine Zeta Jones) sexually harrasses her patient (Horatio Sanz).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

The Butt Cancer Treatment Center

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis

[In a kitchen; Wife and Husband Sudeikis address the camera earnestly.]

Wife: There’s some things men don’t like to talk about.

Husband: Like butt cancer.

Wife: Yes. Like butt cancer. Did you know that cancer of the dumper affects one in every forty men? But if detected early, it’s often successfully treated.

Husband: If it weren’t for the doctors at the Butt Cancer Treatment Center, I might not be here today.

Wife: We owe so much to the Butt Cancer Treatment Center.

Husband: We do. I was so worried about my pooper. Then one of the specialists at the Center fiddled around with my buns, and found the problem.

Wife: That’s usually all it takes. They diddle your pooper and then you know.

Husband: Knowledge is power.

Wife: If you’re a man over 30 and you’re concerned, you should have someone put a finger up your fartbox.

Husband: My butt is clean and free and living the good life.

Wife: Your fudge factory deserves the best.

[Cut to picture of building, with sign: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center ]

Female voice V/O: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center. Let us check out your stinker.

Submitted by: http://donboy.blogspot.com/

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Goodnights

…..Catherine Zeta-Jones

Catherine Zeta-jones: Thanks to our guests – Franz Ferdinand! Everybody! [ audience cheers ] And I’d just like to say a great “Thank You!” to the cast and crew of “SNL” – I’ve had a ball! Especially to you guys watching. They’ll see you next week – I’m going for a drink! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Newsnight with Aaron Brown

Aaron Brown…..Darrell Hammond
Suzanne Carbonal…..Catherine Zeta-Jones

[open on title screen: “NewsNight with Aaron Brown,” with music]

[dissolve to Aaron Brown at news desk]

Aaron Brown: [title: “CNN: Aaron Brown”] Welcome back to “NewsNight.” I am Aaron Brown, and–How can I put this?–I am better than you. Before the break, we were talking about recent US airstrikes on insurgents in Afghanistan. Just when we think we’re out, they pull us back in. That’s from “The Godfather, Part III,” not Coppola’s best, but I digress. Our correspondent, Suzanne Carbonal, is live in Pashwan, Afghanistan. And, Suzanne, what is the situation there?

[dissolve to Suzanne Carbonal with city of Pashwan and mountains visible behind her]

Suzanne Carbonal: [title: “CNN: Suzanne Carbonal”] Aaron, my crew and I arrived today to find out accomodations destroyed, the city crippled by power outages and a shortage of running water. While the US military claims no civilians were hurt in these airstrikes, clearly it is the civilians who are suffering now. Suzanne Carbonal, CNN News.

Aaron Brown: Thank you, Suzanne. More on that in the coming days.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 3”]

Aaron Brown: Good evening. We start tonight’s program with Suzanne Carbonal, live in Pashwan. Suzanne?

[Suzanne’s hair is slightly matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are strangely bushy and crooked]

Suzanne Carbonal: Aaron, this is our third day of sleeping in our truck, and trying to cover the mountain of chaos here in Pashwan.

Aaron Brown: So you’ve gone just three days without the comforts of home?

Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron.

Aaron Brown: Wow.

Suzanne Carbonal: A small roadside bomb exploded this morning, before dawn.

Aaron Brown: Was anyone hurt, Suzanne? Was your makeup person injured at all?

Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I don’t have a makeup person with me, Aaron. But the cameramen were pretty shaken up with what they were seeing.

Aaron Brown: I should think so.

Suzanne Carbonal: I actually overheard one saying to the other, “Good lord, she looks rough.” And I can only assume he was talking about the beautiful old mosque in the town center, that was now destroyed.

Aaron Brown: Well, be well, Suzanne. We’ll all be praying for you to get some sleep.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 6”]

Aaron Brown: Breaking news out of Pashwan. We go to our own Suzanne Carbonal.

[Suzanne’s hair is more matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are bushier]

Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we’re now six days of the ordeal here in Pashwan, and conditions grow more dire each day.

Aaron Brown: Suzanne, are any supplies getting in? Food? Water? Soap? Tweezers?

Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Although, this morning, an angry mob pelted me with hair brushes and tubes of lipstick.

Aaron Brown: A violent, put perhaps well intended gesture.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 10”]

Aaron Brown: Day 10 of the Pashwan standoff. Suzanne, were you in a fight or something?

[Suzanne’s hair is as on Day 6, but bushy, crooked eyebrow stretches across her entire forehead and she is now wearing glasses and has several front teeth prominently missing]

Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Actually, my contact lenses became infected, and I seem to have lost one of my porcelain veneers.

Aaron Brown: It’s more than one.

Suzanne Carbonal: Well it pales, Aaron, in comparison to what the people of Pashwan have lost.

Aaron Brown: And how is the crew holding up?

Suzanne Carbonal: Oh, they’re nervous, Aaron. Yes. A few have suggested, for my own safety, I put on a burqa. You know, the traditional full head covering. [gestures downwards across her face]

Aaron Brown: Perhaps for our viewers’ safety as well.

Suzanne Carbonal: What do you mean, Aaron?

Aaron Brown: Nothing. We’ll be right back.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 14”]

Aaron Brown: Before we go to the Pashwan story, we have breaking news about Hurricane Wilma. We go now to Fort Lauderdale–or, Fort Myers, Florida, with our own…really? Suzanne Carbonal.

[initially facing away from the camera, Suzanne turns to face forward, with severe hurricane conditions visible behind her; she appears as on Day 14, but now with huge, extremely frizzy hair]

Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we had heavy rain last night.

Aaron Brown: It would seem so.

Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I flew directly from Afghanistan, and I can honestly say things here are even worse.

Aaron Brown: Suzanne Carbonal, looking more and more like Cha-Ka from “Land of the Lost.” Coming up next on “News Night,” what to expect at your colonoscopy appointment, as reported by our own…oh, come on. Suzanne Carbonal.

[dissolve to main title screen]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Special Report

Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Richards…..Fred Armisen
Captain William Kelly…..Jason Sudeikis
Connelly…..Rachel Dratch
Captain Jeff Walker…..Finesse Mitchell
Fake Captain Jeff Walker…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fox News music and logo ]

[ logo: “Fair & Balanced” ]

[ logo: “Special Report w/ Brit Hume” ]

[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]

Brit Hume: Welcome to Washington, I’m Brit Hume. Last week —

[ audience aplauds wildly ]

[ tag: “Fox New Live: Bush To Hold Q&A With Troops” ]

Brit Hume: Last week, partisan critics attacked President Bush for having a frank question-and-answer session with American troops. They called it “staged.” But, just because soldiers were given questions and answers ahead of time, does that make it staged? In this humble reporter’s opinion: absolutely not! However, just to prove those critics wrong, President Bush has answered the call with his usual sound judgment and steely resolve. He’s arranged another discussion, which will be entirely unscripted and spontaneous. We now join the President, live.

[ dissolve to side view of President George W. bush standing at podium and facing a satellite broadcast of half-a-dozen or more American troops sitting together ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, troops. You know, first of all, I want to thank you for your amazing work, and assure you the American public is coming around on the war in Iraq. It’s like NBC’s “My Name is Earl.” You know, it’s not a runaway hit, but people are getting behind it.

Richards: Well, I think the people of Iraq are getting behind you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Well — [ chuckles ] they haven’t seen my golf game!

[ the troops chuckle politely ]

Richards: That’s a good one, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Well, you know, thank you very much. You know? Yea — uhh — okay. Now, okay, if it’s okay, I’d like to ask you troops a few “informal” questions. And I want you to answer honestly. You know, just whatever comes to mind. Okay, here’s my first “spontaneous” question. Okay. [ makes a quick glance at a blue note card ] “I hear things are going really, really well in Iraq. Is that true?”

Richards: Well, I’m gonna field that question to Captain William Kelly.

Captain William Kelly: [ obviously reading from an off-camera cue card ] “Hello. Wow! I’m thrilled to speak to you. Smile At Camera. It’s moments like these, that I just have to speak from the heart. Point To Chest. Everything in Iraq is going as expected. Well, that’s great to hear, Captain.”

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling nervously ] “Well! That’s.. great to hear, Captain! I’m glad the, uh, mission is a complete success.”

Captain William Kelly: [ fellow soldier Connelly moves her lips as she reads behind Kelly ] “And another success is your nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. She is a woman of principle and deep conviction, and we all know her heart and her character.”

President George W. Bush: “Well! Thank you. You know, I agree. I agree.” My second completely “spontaneous” question, is about, uh — [ glances at second blue note card ] the Iraqi “electricians”. Were the “electricians” incredibly successful by all acounts?

Connelly: “Yes, Mr. President. The ‘e-lec-tions’ went very smoothly. The Iraqi people are so full of freedom, they could burst. Sometimes, an Iraqi will be so full of democracy, they’ll walk into a crowded area and explode. With democracy!”

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling ] I heard about that! That’s, uh – that’s a good sign. Alright, let’s see, uh – I have another “spontaneous” question. Uh — [ glances at another blue note card ] “My Name is Earl” – did that. [ flips through note cards ] “Golf joke” – huge laugh. [ flips through note cards ] Oh, here we go. Okay. Here’s a tough one. Here’s a tough one. “Are you excited about staying in Iraq: A. Because you’re really learning a lot of useful skills, or B. Because you love spreading freedom?”

Richards: Well, I’ll field that question to Captain Jeff Walker.

Captain Jeff Walker: [ reading from cue cards ] “Wow. That is a tough one. I would have to say: both A and B. Ever since September 11th, we felt the call to duty –” [ stops, shakes his head ] Man, y’all not even paying me enough to lie like this! These people don’t want us here –!

[ the image cuts off, as snow fills the screen. Cut back immediately to reveal a second black soldier being pushed into the now-absent Captain Jeff Walker’s seat. ]

Fake Captain Jeff Walker: [ fumbling to grip on the microphone ] Um – uh – hey! This is, uh – this is still me! It’s still Captain Jeff Walker. Uh – I don’t know what got into me. I-i-I-I was trying to explain how much I appreciate this fantastic opportunity.

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling] Please, Captain Walker, you know, it’s the least I could do. You know? And thank you all for joining me in this “frank, open conversation.” We both did a great job being “spontaneous” to each other. Thank you. And good night.

[ dissolve back to Brit Hume ]

[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Wows America” ]

Brit Hume: There you have it. Challenging questions from a president so skilled at overcoming challenges! We at Fox News pride ourselves on Fair & Balanced coverage! It should be objectively clear that our president has once again demonstrated grace, intelligence, and courage under fire! The precise qualities that make him one of our finest presidents.

[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Better Than Lincoln” ]

And, if I could editorialize for just one moment, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Creighton Boys School

Señora Anne Van Patten…..Amy Poehler
Frau Roz Wells…..Rachel Dratch
Madame Hillary Decroix…..Catherine Zeta-Jones
Dennis…..Finesse Mitchell
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Michael…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Matthew Nelson…..Seth Meyers
Stan Wells…..Horatio Sanz

[open on exterior of school with chiseled stone sigh: “Creighton Boys School”]

[dissolve to interior of teachers’ louge, with Frau Wells seated and eating a sandwich, Signora Van Patten enters]

Señora Van Patten: Ugh.

Frau Wells: How’s your day going, Señora Van Patten?

Señora Van Patten: Not too hot, Frau Wells. I’m down to two students in my noon Spanish class. Two!

Frau Wells: My morning German class got canceled.

Señora Van Patten: This is ridiculous. How can one new teacher make all our boys love French so much?

Madame Decroix: [entering, calling out into hallway] Merci, Jean-Claude! Asseyez! Asseyez-bon mon cherie-la! [closes door] Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour, Señora Van Patten, Frau Wells. Ça va?

Señora Van Patten: We, uh, we don’t speak French, so we don’t understand what you’re saying.

Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage! I am so sorry. You know, when I’m speaking French all day in class, you forget you’re speaking a foreign language.

Frau Wells: No, I don’t have that problem.

Señora Van Patten: Yeah, neither do I and neither did Nancy. You know Nancy, the last French teacher?

Madame Decroix: Oh, yes, I’m so sorry when you lose a colleague. What was she like, Nancy?

Señora Van Patten: Just, you know, so wonderfully plain. A simple, no-frills lady. Overweight, but she didn’t care about that. You know, you knew what you were getting with Nancy.

Madame Decroix: And what happened to her?

Señora Van Patten: She got drunk and slapped a student.

[Dennis enters]

Madame Decroix: Ah! Fire Marshall Denis! Ça va? Ah, mon cherie-la! [kisses him on each cheek]

Dennis: Oh, wait, okay, I can do this. Ça va bien.

Madame Decroix: Ah! [applauds] Bravo, Fire Marshall Denis!

Dennis: [applauds as well, then composes himself] Okay, now look. I’ve done everything I could, but you can’t have more than sixty kids in those rooms.

Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage. Mais, merçi pour essayer, eh? Merçi beaucoup.

Dennis: Oh, no problem.

Señora Van Patten: You understood that?

Dennis: Didn’t need to. [to Madame Decroix] Au revoir. [waves]

Madame Decroix: Au revoir. [waves, Dennis exits] What a nice man. And what nice boys in this school. I’ve never met students so eager to learn a language.

Frau Wells: Really? Hunh.

[boys enter, calling Madame Decroix’s name]

Madame Decroix: Oh, calmez-vous, mes enfants! Calmez-vous, calmez-vous!

Boy: We have a question.

Madame Decroix: Oui?

Boy: How do you say “lunch?”

Madame Decroix: Déjuner.

Michael: And “breakfast?”

Madame Decroix: Petit déjuner.

Boy: See, dude, I told you.

Señora Van Patten: Hi, guys. Good to see you again.

Boy: [mumbling] Oh, hey.

Michael: [mumbling] Oh, hey, Ms. Van Patten.

Señora Van Patten: En español, por favor.

Michael: In Spanish? Holo?

Señora Van Patten: No, hola! [disappointed] I had you for three years, Miguel.

Michael: My name is Michel now, s’il vous plaît!

Señora Van Patten: Okay, it’s time for you guys to leave. You can’t be in the teachers’ lounge. [walks to door and opens it] Goodbye.

Both Boys: [exiting] Viva la France!

Madame Decroix: Such enthusiasm for languages, huh?

Señora Van Patten: [flatly] Yeah.

Mr. Nelson: [entering, carrying books] Ah, bonjour, Hilarie!

Madame Decroix: Ah, bonjour, Matthieu! [they kiss on both cheeks] Ça va, mon cherie-la?

Mr. Nelson: Yeah, Ça va bien. [to Señora Van Patten] Hey.

Frau Wells: Hi, Mr. Nelson.

Señora Van Patten: Ugh.

Mr. Nelson: Anyway, voulez-vous aller á le cinéma ce soir?

Madame Decroix: Mais, oui, j’attend. Mais, maintenant, j’ai besoin de…pee-pee. [giggles]

Mr. Nelson: Ah, dépêchez, ma chère!

Madame Decroix: Toute suite! [exits stage right]

Frau Wells: Hey, how long have you spoken French, Matthew? I thought you only knew Latin.

Mr. Nelson: No, I’ve known French for a long time.

Señora Van Patten: Really? Long time, yeah? What’s this? [grabs French textbook from under his arm] Wow. Known it a long time?

Mr. Nelson: Well, long enough, Señorita.

Señora Van Patten: It’s Señora.

Mr. Nelson: Oh! I thought when you get divorced, it changes back.

Señora Van Patten: Are you already sleeping with her?

Mr. Nelson: As they say in Latin, veni vidi vici.

Señora Van Patten: Keep laughing, buddy. Soon, you’re not going to have any students, either.

Mr. Nelson: Well, you’d totally be right, if Latin wasn’t a required class. There isn’t really an appropriate Latin phrase for this, so let me leave you ladies with [slams fist in the air] BOOYAH! [backs towards door with his arms spread and exits]

Madame Decroix: [returns] Oh, Matthieu left?

Señora Van Patten: Yeah, he did. And I should warn you about that guy. He has a bit of a reputation.

Madame Decroix: Oh, don’t worry. No, the French and France has made me open to things. He’s told me all about his ex-lovers.

Señora Van Patten: Oh, you know, your lack of hang-ups is just so refreshing.

Frau Wells: Be careful, Anne.

Señora Van Patten: No, Roz! I can’t hold it in anymore! Hey, Hillary?

Madame Decroix: Hilarie. The “H” is silent.

Señora Van Patten: Okay, the “H” is silent? In that case, ‘Ilary, your perfume makes you smell like a ‘oooker!

[Mr. Wells enters]

Stan Wells: Um, hello, ladies. Could you help me? Where would one drop off a lunch for my son? He raced out this morning; he plum forgot it.

Madame Decroix: Who’s your son?

Stan Wells: Bobby Wells.

Madame Decroix: Oh! Bobby Wells! Oh, my prize pupil. [runs the back of her hand over his cheek] I can see where he gets his good looks.

Stan Wells: Oh. [chuckles] You must be Madame Decroix. Oh, he never stops talking about you. And let me tell you something, the picture on his cell phone does not do you justice.

Madame Decroix: Mr. Wells, why don’t you try the cafeteria?

Stan Wells: [chuckles in a low growl] Thank you. [turns to Frau Wells] What time you getting home, honey?

Frau Wells: 4 o’clock, Stan. Same as every day.

Stan Wells: All right. [turns disinterestedly and exits]

[bell rings]

Madame Decroix: Ah, back to the grind, my friends. I shall see you soon. [bends over to pick up some books] Les livres.

Señora Van Patten: Uh-huh.

Madame Decroix: Merci beaucoup! Á toute suite! [exits]

Señora Van Patten: Where’s the closest bar, Roz?

Frau Wells: I have Scotch in my desk.

Señora Van Patten: [grabs sombrero from table] Let’s hit it.

[both exit]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

System of a Down performs “B.Y.O.B.”

…..Johnny Knoxville
…..System of a Down

Johnny Knoxville: Ladies and gentlemen – System of a Down!

System of a Down:
“Why do they always send the poor?
My God is of Bible blood with pointed ears
Victorious, victorious steel
Can your spending kneel?
Marching forward hypocritic
And hypnotic computers
You depend on our protection
Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

La la la la la la la la la la

Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.

Kneeling roses
Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth
Breaking into Fort Knox
Stealing our intentions
Every city, gripped in oil
Crying freedom!!
Handed to obsoletion
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

La la la la la la la la la la

Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.
Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.

Blast off, it’s party time
And we all live in a fascist nation
Blast off, it’s party time
And where the (bleep) are you?
Where the (bleep) are you?
Where the (bleep) are you?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor!!

Kneeling roses
Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth
Breaking into Fort Knox
Stealing our intentions
Every city, gripped in oil
Crying freedom!!
Handed to a obsoletion
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

La la la la la la la la la la

Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sunshine.
Everybody is going to the party
Have a real good time
Dancing in the desert
Blowing up the sun.

Where the (bleep) are you?
Where the (bleep) are you?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?

Daron Malakian: FUCK, YEAH!!

System of a Down:
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
They always send the poor!
They always send the poor!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

System of a Down performs “Aerials”

…..Paula Abdul
…..System of a Down

Paula Abdul: Once again – System of a Down.

System of a Down:
“Life is a waterfall
We’re one in the river
And one again after the fall
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all.

‘Cause we are the ones that want to play
Always want to go
But you never want to stay
And we are the ones that want to choose
Always want to play
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life.

Life is a waterfall
We drink from the river
Then we turn around and put up our walls
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all.

‘Cause we are the ones that want to play
Always want to go
But you never want to stay
And we are the ones that want to choose
Always want to play
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life.
Aerials, so up high
When you free your eyes eternal prize.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life
Aerials, so up high
When you free your eyes eternal prize.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Action News

Hunt Linear…..Johnny Knoxville
Jennifer Tuttle…..Amy Poehler
Gifford McGill…..Will Forte
Albert Jarmon…..Rob Riggle
Dr. Courtney Phelps…..Maya Rufolph
Stuart Tisdale…..Fred Armisen
Craig Balderston…..Kenan Thompson
Evan Martin…..Darrell Hammond
Anne Hasenzahl…..Rachel Dratch
Ernesto Diaz…..Horatio Sanz
Deborah Shea…..Tina Fey
Gary Stevens…..Seth Meyers
Elliot Winslow…..Finesse Mitchell
Jim Sizemore…..Chris Parnell
Andrew Donnely…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Hunt and Jennifer sitting at the news desk ]

Announcer: And now – Action News. With Hunt Linear and Jennifer Tuttle. And the award-winning Action News team.

[ cut to Gifford McGill, pounding his fist into a basebal mitt as he turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]

Announcer: Gifford McGill, with Sports.

[ cut to Albert Jarmon, holding aclosed umbrella and smiling to the camera as he pretends to hold his hand out to check for rain ]

Announcer: Albert Jarmon, with the weather.

[ cut to Dr. Courtney Phelps, clinging onto her stethoscope as she turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]

Announcer: And Dr. Courtney Phelps, with the health watch.

[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer shuffling their papers at the news desk ]

Announcer: And..

[ cut to Stuart Tisdale munching on a bag of popcorn ]

Announcer: A movie review, from Stuart Tisdale.

[ cut to Craig Balderston crunching numbers on an adding machine ]

Announcer: Craig Balderston, the Market Watch.

[ cut to Evan Martin repairing the back of a giant robot and smiling for the camera ]

Announcer: Evan Martin’s Technology Report.

[ cut to Anne Hasenzahl holding up a dress and grinning at the camera ]

Announcer: Anne Hasenzahl, with the “Fashion Forecast.”

[ cut to sunglasses-clad Ernesto Diaz, who turns to smile at the camera and wave a Puerto Rican flag ]

Announcer: Ernesto Diaz, with a Puerto Rican round-up.

[ cut to Deborah Shea, holding up a lit birthday cake as she smiles at the camera ]

Announcer: Deborah Shea, with celebrity birthdays.

[ cut to Gary Stevens, holding a monkey against his chest and a parakeet cage in his left hand ]

Announcer: Gary Stevens, with parakeets and monkeys.

[ cut to Elliot Winslow, displaying a tray of gourmet food ]

Announcer: Elliot Winslow, the Budget Gourmet.

[ cut to demented-looking Jim Sizemore, holding a can of gasoline in one hand and a burnt clock in the other hand ]

Announcer: Jim Sizemore, with I’m Going to Burn Down A Clock Factory.

[ cut to bow tie-clad c, looking smart and stately as he glances at thecamera ]

Announcer: And Andrew Donnely, with a Washington Report.

[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer at the news desk ]

Hunt Linear: Good evening. I’m Hunt Linear. Tonight’s top story: a three-alarm fire rages through the Oakwood Street clock factory. This is the fourth clock factory that’s burned down this month, and police say they’re finally closing in on the arsonist. I say.. it’s about time! [ chuckles profusely ]

[ Jennifer Tuttle laughs along with Hunt Linear ]

[ Gifford McGill also laughs ]

[ Albert Jarmon also laughs ]

Dr. Courtney Phelps: [ wiping back a tear ] Good one!

[ Stuart Tisdale claps his hands as he laughs ]

[ Craig Balderston pounds the desk as he laughs ] “It’s about time!”

[ Evan Martin taps his wrench to his forehead as he chuckles ]

[ Anne Hasenzahl makes a delayed laugh ]

[ Ernesto Diaz still waving his flag ] Ha ha ha! That’s funny!

[ Deborah Shea makes a loud, monkey-like laugh ]

[ Gary Stevens laughs as he looks up and down at his monkey ]

[ Elliot Winslow snorts as he laughs ]

[ Jim Sizemore laughs maniacally as he sits in front of “I’m Going To Burn Down A Clock Factory” graphic ]

[ Andrew Donnely purses his lips in fear as he realizes Jim Sizemore is obviously the perpetrator, but gives in and laughs politely anyway ]

Hunt Linear: Oh my! We have to break for a commercial.

Jennifer Tuttle: Yes.

Hunt Linear: But, when we return, a live report from the burning clock factory from our Action News field team ]

[ each team member graphic slides onto the screen, overlapping one another ]

Announcer: Phyllis Stevenson and Arnie Subolski. And Randall Trent. And Alice Kendricks. And Melissa Boone. And Davis Chapnow. And Frankie Rodriguez. And Alexander Cantrell. And..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts