Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Chubb Hotty….Horatio Sanz DJ Sugar Shock….Kenan Thompson Brett Mausner….Jason Bateman Lady Olestra….Kelly Clarkson
[Opens with the title RAP NIGHT with CHUBB HOTTYpainted in urban graffitti. Heavy rap beat plays, DJSugar Shock has his headphones on, mixes and scratcheson his turntable podium.]
DJ Sugar Shock: Yo’, yo’, yo’. This is your boy DJSugar Shock saying it’s time for Rap Night. With yourhost the biggest, fattest, dopest rapper in all theworld, Chubb Hotty! Holla!
[Curtain goes up for Chubb Hotty then it getscompletely out of the way for him to enter. Chubb ismorbidly obese, has a red do-rag, gold medallion, jeanjacket, faded jeans, mic on his hand]
Chubb Hotty: Jeah!, jeah!, jeah!, jeah![rapping] I amChubb Hotty the all time best/ I eat a mess of friedbologna from your momma’s chest/ I don’t like nofruit/ don’t eat no banana/ eat more steaks than thenation of Ghana, Jeah!
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah!
Chubb Hotty: Mad rhymes/chicken wings/ is all I’m about/ you put a tap on my ass/ raw butter comes out/Jeah!
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, yeah![stops the heavy rapbest]All right, let’s get this thing starte-e-e-ed!
[Pleasant hip-hop intro, Chubb Hotty sits in his big ass chair]
Chubb Hotty: So DJ Sugar Shock, you got any plans for St. Valentine’s Day?
DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, I mean, I think I’ll get some ofthose giant Hershey kisses for the kids. Take my wife to the Red Lobster, you know.
Chubb Hotty: That’s nice. Hey, remember that one timeI got thrown out of the Red Lobster at San Diego? Theysaid “all you can eat”. They were lying.
DJ Sugar Shock: That wasn’t a Red Lobster, Chubb. Itwas Sea World. You ate most of Free Willy in front of a class of schoolkids!
Chubb Hotty: “All you can eat”, my ass.[laughs]Myfirst guest is the director of my new video from mysingle “Pork and Chicken Heads”. Mr. Brett Mausner!
[A wigger in a track suit, sunglasses, baseball cap to the side]
Brett Mausner: Yo’ yo’ yo’ yo'[has trouble huggingChubb]How you living, huh? How you been? What you been up to cuz?[sits down]
Chubb Hotty: Yesterday I took a poop the size of a Hyundai.
Brett Mausner: Ah, right. Now listen, yo’s. Here’s mysneak peek at a brand new “Making the Video”.
[MTV’s montage of Making the Video. Brett is backstagein a studio, camera splits, shows two Brett’s]
Brett Mausner: Whazzup! Brett Mausner here! Welcome tothe making of Chubb Hotty’s latest joint “Pork andChicken Heads”. Out! On the first day of shootingChubb moves into his trailer on the set.
[Chubb walks into the trailer, destroys the door,takes a few steps into it and falls through the floor,gets his ass stuck on the floor]
Chubb Hotty: Damn! What do they make this trailers out of, man?
Brett Mausner: We shot a very, very sexy scene.
[Three sexy girls are sitting on a bed. Chubb sits onthe edge of the bed eating a humongous sandwich. Twoof the girls fly into the air when he sits, one stayson the crumbling bed watching Chubb slump to the ground]
Brett Mausner: And I think we cut most of this actually.
[MTV’s montage of Making the Video]
Chubb Hotty: Oh, man. That video looks hot, bro’!
Brett Mausner: Yeah.
Chubb Hotty: Much love, much love. Speaking of love,earlier I mentioned it was St. Valentine’s Day and tohelp me out and celebrate is my special love, my Lady Olestra.
[Lady Olestra is ghetto fabulous, sits on Chubb’s big ass chair armrest]
Brett Mausner: Oh, my goodness.
Lady Olestra: What’s up, boo?
Chubb Hotty: What’s up, baby? [kiss]Oh, yeah. Baby doggot you a little something for St. Valentine’s Day.
[Chubb takes a little bag out and pulls a skimpy redlingerie for his girl]
Lady Olestra: Chubb, you so nasty![Chubb laughs]I gotyou something too.
[Olestra takes out little bag and pulls out a regularpair of boxer shorts with red hearts on them]
Chubb Hotty: Who them tiny things for?
[Lady Olestra unfolds the boxer shorts, they are huge]
Brett Mausner: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Chubb Hotty: You a good woman, baby. All right DJSugar Shock, let’s hit it!
[Romantic music plays, Lady Olestra mic on handproceeds to sing beautifully]
Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love for boo….
[Chubb can’t get out of his chair, Brett gives him ahand, he’s pulling hard, Chubb falls on him pinningagainst his chair, finally Chubb gets up. He standsnext to Lady Olestra mic on hand]
Lady Olestra:[sings] Because he’s my favorite man to do….
[Brett claps along in the back]
Chubb Hotty:[rapping] Tonight, I celebrate my love for food!
Lady Olestra: Ugh!
Chubb Hotty:[rapping] I found a coupon for 3 Arby’sbeef and cheedar for the price of two!/ I also lovethis little lady/ but honestly not as much as agarbage can full of gravy!
Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love foryou….[Chubb hugs and picks Lady Olestra up for akiss and he farts] Chubb! That is nasty!
Chubb Hotty: Sorry, I sprained myself.
Lady Olestra:[sings]And I hope and pray I don’t getcrushed under you…[another fart from Chubb] Chubb, that is really nasty!
Chubb Hotty: That ain’t the end of it either.
[Extreme flatulence comes from Chubb. A long, unholy fart]
Chubb Hotty: Matter of fact, I had ’em on my Cheerios this morning.
[DJ Sugar Shock is disgusted]
DJ Sugar Shock: Man, that is it! The show is over! I wanna get outta here!
[Brett is fanning himself behind Chubb]
Brett Mausner: Good Lord, Chubb. That is…that…th–
[Brett keels over from his chair to the floor]
Chubb Hotty: Oh, damn.
DJ Sugar Shock: Man, look at that! He passed out! Callthe paramedics or something! I ain’t hanging around inthis funky mess any longer than I have too![takes the headphones off, leaves]
Chubb Hotty: Good night, ya’ll! Stay tuned for theTony Danza show, coming up next.
[open on TRIO network logo with circular rainbow “OUTzone” graphic]
Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching TRIO, the OUTzone: pop culture, unbiased and out. At ten, “Brideshead Revisited,” followed by “Model TV.” But first, “Gays in Space.”
[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in a fabulous silver go-go outfit while techno beat plays]
Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.
Male Chorus: Five.
Space Creature: Say what?
Male Chorus: Four.
Space Creature: Nuh-uh.
Male Chorus: Three.
Space Creature: Go ahead.
Male Chorus: Two.
Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick.
Male Chorus: One.
Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!
[dissolve to exterior of fabulously glittering spacecraft with title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode One,” “You did not wear that today.”]
[dissolve to bridge of spacecraft with four seated crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents, Captain Reggie’s top also having wings]
Thad: We’re in the clear, Captain. The star cluster is no longer a threat.
[all cheer as blond male-model waiter wearing much briefer silver outfit enters the bridge with a tray of drinks]
Captain: Great, super. ‘Tails, girls [indicates the waiter]. Now, listen, that was effing close. Whose fault was that, Billiam?
[Givindy takes a cocktail]
Billiam: [gasps] I said, “hyperspeed,” [Thad takes a cocktail] and Navigation chose to ignore me once again. [to waiter] Thank you. [takes a cocktail]
Captain: [to waiter] Get away from me.
Givindy: Sweetie, I am not required to take orders from you. Okay?
Billiam: Yes, you are. I outrank you, I outdress you, and my teeth are straight. [chuckles]
Captain: He just cracked your space face, didn’t he? All right, now, what’s our next destination?
Billiam: I thought we’d hit the methane beaches of Kilpar. What do you think of that?
Thad: Tired! Nobody goes there but old queens and lesbots.
Givindy: Coming from the authority on tiredness.
Thad: Um, at least I don’t tuck my moon pants into my gravity boots, Shania!
Billiam: That is so 2084.
Captain: All right, Givindy, Billiam, Thad, do you guys understand what I’m trying to do here? I’m trying to take us to the next galacticon. Okay bokay? This kind of negativity is counterproductive, and it also is…it’s not productive. It stresses me out. I’m already very crabby because I’m on Space Atkins.
Givindy: Yeah, and you need to stay on that.
Captain: All right, that’s it. Too much negativity. Too much tension. Let’s dance everybody. [techno music plays] Dance it out! Vogue it out! Vogue it out! [all dance except Captain Reggie] Do it! Snap it! Snap it! Quarter turn! Now with the hand movements.
[claxon sounds, music stops, waiter flees into the corridor]
Captain: Red alert! Cheese and rice, everybody! Man your battle stations, bitches! Data report!
Billiam: It appears we’re caught in a tractor beam.
Givindy: Ooh, I do hope it’s those aliens from Zalan V. You know, the ones with the eight big hands and the eight big feet?
Billiam: Establishing communication, Captain.
[Loretta, a very unfeminine woman, appears on the screen]
Loretta: Captain Reggie, we meet again.
Captain: Ugh, it’s Loretta. [forcedly] Hi, Loretta! What is it?
[dissolve to bridge of Loretta’s spacecraft, with Loretta and two other very butch women dressed in plaid and vests.]
Loretta: My brothers, we are in great peril.
[dissolves continue throughout dialogue]
Givindy: I can see that. It’s called a hot oil treatment. Look into it.
Loretta: I’m quite serious. Our population is dwindling.
Captain: Hmmm, I think I know where this is going.
Loretta: The only way our people can survive is by joining together to procreate.
Captain: Oh, get to it, Loretta, please. Spit it out. Blow it on my face. What do you want?
Loretta: We need sperm.
Captain: Right, well, um, Loretta, do you want to know something? I love you guys. We love to party with you. We love the cookouts. We hate your music. We love that you help us when we move. But, when it comes to the sex thing, I’m just…I’m not feeling it.
Loretta: Ditto. That’s why we created the X-25-1000 Donation Enhancement Collector.
Captain: Hmmm, well, shoot it over to me. We’ll take a little look-see at it.
[doorbell rings]
Thad: That’s probably the X-25-1000 now.
Captain: Very quick.
[dark-haired beefcake male enters wearing only skintight silver briefs]
Captain: Oh, my word.
Billiam: Look what Loretta made.
Givindy: Those girls are good with tools, okay?
Captain: Man the throttle. Next stop: Uranus.
Billiam: You did not just go there.
Thad: She went there, and you loved it.
Captain: Oooooh! [zoom over Captain Reggie’s head into porthole of door behind him]
[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from right]
Space Creature: Outer space. / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing bigger than Jupiter. / Oh, Gays in Space.
[zoom into star cluster above space creatures’s head, and title: “Gays in Space.”]
Jason Bateman: I want to thank one of the best crews in show business, one of the best casts in show business. Kelly Clarkson. And.. the monkey! The monkey!
[ holding the leash, Bateman squats down to pet the monkey, nearly getting smacked in the face before the monkey turns away from him ]
Man #1/Match…..Horatio Sanz Woman/Match…..Maya Rudolph Man #2/Match…..Kenan Thompson Man #3/Match…..Rob Riggle Dr. Terry McQuarren…..Will Forte Gay Men…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Man #1 ]
Man #1: I tried online dating. But I never found anyone who liked me for me.
[ cut to Woman ]
Woman: My friends tell me I’m too picky.
[ cut to Man #2 ]
Man #2: I need to find someone who realizes how great I am.
[ cut to Man #3 ]
Man #3: I’m a catch. Women like me. But when I tried other dating services, they could never find anyone good enough for me.
[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]
Dr. Terry McQuarren: Hi. I’m Dr. Terry McQuarren, founder of Me-Harmony.com. When you sign up at Me-Harmony, we only ask you questions about your favorite subject – you.
[ cut to Man #1 and his femininely-dressed identical match ]
Man #1: I can’t believe how lucky I am! Sondra and I finish each other’s thoughts!
Match: And we finish each other’s sentences! It’s amazing!
[ cut to Man #3 being hugged from behind by his femininely-dressed identical match ]
Match: He treats me exactly the way I want and deserve to be treated.
[ cut to Woman standing side-by-side with her masculinely-dressed identical match ]
Woman: I don’t know where I end and he starts.
Match: I have never.. been so attracted to someone on every level.
[ cut to Man #2 standing next to his femininely-dressed identical match ]
Man #2: I didn’t think it was possible to find someone who loves me as much as I love me! But I found her!
Match: You should see people stare at us when we walk down the street! They’re jealous!
[ they both laugh ]
[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]
Dr. Terry McQuarren: Don’t you deserve the perfect match? [ his perfect match steps next to him and smiles ] At Me-Harmony, we guarantee you someone who is exactly like you – but with different sexual organs.
[ cut to Man #2 and his match kissing ]
Together: Thank you, Me-Harmony!
[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]
Dr. Terry McQuarren: And, for alternative lifestyles, visit He-Harmony.com.
Jason Bateman: Ladies and gentlemen – Kelly Clarkson!
Kelly Clarkson: “Here’s the thing, we started out friends It was cool, it was all pretend Yeah, yeah, since U been gone. You dedicated, you took the time It wasn’t long, ’til I called you mine Yeah, yeah, since U been gone And all you’d ever hear me say Is how I’d picture me with you That’s all you’d ever hear me say.
But since U been gone I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get, I what I want Since U been gone.
How can I put it, you put me on I even fell for that stupid love song Yeah, yeah, since U been gone How come I’d never hear you say I just wanna be with you Well, I guess you never felt that way.
But since U been gone
I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get, I get what I want Since you been gone.
You had your chance, you blew it Out of sight, out of mind Shut your mouth, I just can’t take it Again and again, and again and again.
Since U been gone I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you Now I get, I get what I want I can breathe for the first time I’m so moving on, yeah yeah Thanks to you, yeah yeah You should know that I get I get what I want.
Since U been gone Since U been gone Since U been gone.”
Kelly Clarkson: “Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I’d just stare out my window Dreaming of a could-be And if I’d end up happy I would pray.
I wondered what it could be No one else could hear me All I wanted was I wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I pray I could breakaway
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky I’ll make a wish Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved I’ll take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway.
Wanna feel the warm breeze Sleep under a palm tree Feel the rush of the ocean Get onboard a fast train Travel on a jet plane, far away And breakaway.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky I’ll make a wish Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved I’ll take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway.
Buildings with a hundred floors Swinging around wild indoors Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, but Gotta keep moving on, moving on Fly away, breakaway.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye Make a wish Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won’t forget the place I come from I gotta take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway.”
Announcer…..Chris Parnell Peter Talbank…..Jason Bateman Mr. Bojo Bananas…..Will Forte Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers Sharon Stone…..Amy Poehler Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on distinguished man wearing an ascot and brandishing a pipe ]
Announcer: Now it’s time for “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”
[ cut to show montage of the monkey throwing various poop, as he sings the theme song ]
“Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities! Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities! Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”
[ dissolve to show set, featuring a guest chair covered in cellophane ]
Announcer: And, now, here’s your host, Peter Talbank.
[ Peter Talbank enters set ]
Peter Talbank: Hey, everybody! Welcome to “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities” the show where celebrities get monkey poop thrown at them! I’m Peter Talbank, and, of course, joining me, as always, is Mr. Bojo Bananas and Steve Winston.
[ audience cheers on Steve and the monkey ]
Peter Talbank: How are things with Mr. Bojo Bananas today?
Mr. Bojo Bananas: Just great!
Peter Talbank: Yes? How are things with the monkey?
Mr. Bojo Bananas: Well, Steve Winston’s got his big bowl of poop, and he’s ready to go! Who’s our celebrity today, Peter?
Peter Talbank: That’s a good question there, Bojo! Tonight’s celebrity is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood! His career spans over five decades, he’s a Knight of the British Realm, a noted sailing enthusiast – the original James Bond. And we intend to throw poop at him! [ headshot of Connery flies past ] Sir Sean Connery! Now, right now, as you know, Sir Sean Connery is in our green room.. [ show Connery reading a magazine in the literal green room ] ..where he has no idea that our monkey, Steve Winston, is about to throw poop at him! He thinks we’re bringing him on to talk about his favorite thing – sailing! What do you think, Bojo? Should we bring him out?
Mr. Bojo Bananas: [ enthusiastic ] Bring him on out!
Peter Talbank: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Sir Sean Connery!
[ Connery enters, takes sense of his surroundings and immediately freezes ]
Sean Connery: Oh, no.. hold on one second. This isn’t that show where monkeys throw poop at show biz people, is it?
Peter Talbank: [ feigning shock and surprise ] What? Huh? No! Of course not. What are you talking about?
Sean Connery: Yes, it is. You’re not fooling me. Why does it smell like monkey feces out here?
Peter Talbank: Monkey feces? I don’t smell anything, sir. We’re going to talk about sailing. [ Connery is apprehensive ] Please, please. Sit, sit, sit! Yes.
[ Connery sits, but stares across the room in disbelief ]
Sean Connery: That’s ridiculous! There’s a monkey right over there!
Peter Talbank: Right over where, sir?
Sean Connery: [ points to Mr. Bojo Bananas ] You, man! what are you doing with that monkey?!
Mr. Bojo Bananas: [ innocently ] What?
Sean Connery: You’ve got a monkey on a leash. Why?
Mr. Bojo Bananas: I’m, uh.. fixing the pipes.
[ Steve Winston starts pounding the stool with his hands ]
Sean Connery: What in God’s name do you need a monkey to fix the pipes for?
Peter Talbank: That’s his assistant, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Really?
Peter Talbank: Yes.
Sean Connery: Oh. [ intrigued ] That’s remarkable.
Peter Talbank: Yes, it is, sir. Now.. something not a lot of people know about you, sir, is that sailing.. [ trying to contain his laughter ] ..is really the love of your life.
Sean Connery: [ examining his chair ] Just one minute. How come there’s a plastic sheet on my seat?
Peter Talbank: I told you, sir. Working on the pipes.
Sean Connery: Well, there’s no plastic sheet on your seat.
Peter Talbank: Ah..
Sean Connery: [ anger growing ] This better not be that show where you throw monkey poop at celebrities!
Peter Talbank: No, no, no.. I assure you, sir, it is not. I would not do that to you, Sir Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: I’ve got a good mind to knock your block off if that monkey throws poop at me!
Peter Talbank: No, no, no. He will not, sir.
Sean Connery: [ skeptical ] You promise?
Peter Talbank: I promise you. [ grinning from ear to ear ] So.. now.. when we say sailing, we’re talking about one of those little one-man jobs? Or a catamaran? Or a great big yacht?
Sean Connery: Well, I don’t know if.. I don’t know if you’d call it big or not.. but I’ve got a 30-foot Coranado sloop that I sail around the Isle of Bath —
[ a piece of monkey poop suddenly flies into the frame and hits Connery ]
Sean Connery: Oh! Good God! What is that?!
Peter Talbank: What is it! Audience!
Audience: It’s Monkey Poop!
Sean Connery: This is that show, isn’t it!
Peter Talbank: [ laughing ] Yes!
[ more monkey poop is thrown at Connery, though shots of Steve Winston reveal it to be stagehands throwing rapid-fire poop where the monkey fails to do so ]
Sean Connery: This is that show —
Peter Talbank: Yes, it is!
Sean Connery: — where monkeys throw poop at celebrities!
Peter Talbank: Yes, it is! Yes, it is!
Sean Connery: For God’s sake! [ starts chuckling immensely ]
Peter Talbank: Oh! Yes!
Sean Connery: I have got to give it you – you got me this time! You really got me!
Peter Talbank: We really did, didn’t we!
Sean Connery: That’s a lot of poop that little fella is throwing!
Peter Talbank: Oh, it’s a great deal of poop, sir! Please join me next time, when my celebrities will be Carrot Top —
Carrot Top: Ha ha ha! [ monkey poop hits his face ] Hey!
Peter Talbank: — Sharon Stone —
Sharon Stone: [ as monkey poop hits her ] Wonderful! Whoo!
Peter Talbank: — and Mr. Bill Cosby!
Bill Cosby: [ as monkey poop lands square in his eye ] I’ve got monkey poop on my face.
Peter Talbank: We’re gonna see you next time, on —
Audience: “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”
[ Connery begins slinging the monkey poop around ]
Peter Talbank: Don’t you throw it at me, sir! Don’t you throw it at me!
[ monkey poop covers the lens, as the closing graphics and jingle play ]
Husband…..Jason Bateman Wife…..Amy Poehler Old Woman…..Rachel Dratch Man…..Rob Riggle Roscoe…..Kenan Thompson Dad…..Finesse Mitchell Mexican Man 1…..Horatio Sanz Mexican Man 2…..Fred Armisen Barbershop Quartet Leader…..Will Forte Barbershop Quartet Member 1…..Chris Parnell Barbershop Quartet Member 2…..?? Barbershop Quartet Member 3…..Jeff Richmond Blind Girl…..Kelly Clarkson Passed-Out Bum in Rear of Car…..JB Smoove
[ open on stock footage on subway cars in motion ]
[ dissolve to interior, subway car, where a Husband and his Wife sit opposite an old Woman and a Man reading a newspaper ]
Husband: Have you been to the Chelsea Flea Market before?
Wife: No, I’m excited — I need a desk.
Husband: Ah, ’cause you’re gonna find a desk.
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: Yeah, it’s, uh —
[ Roscoe enters the car ]
Roscoe: Hi, good day, everyone, good day. Uh — my name is Roscoe… and I’m NOT asking for a handout — but if you enjoy my singing, maybe you can spare some change. [ singing ] “This little light of mine I’m gonna let it shine. Let it shine, shine, shine, shine, shine!”
[ Roscoe works his way through the car with his hand outstretched and open ]
Old Woman: Your pitch was very off!
Man: [ without looking up from his newspaper ] Get a job!
Roscoe: Well, you don’t have to be Rockefeller to help a fellow, now.
Husband: [ takes out a dollar ] Here you go, friend!
Wife: Aw, that’s nice!
Roscoe: God bless you!
Husband: Alright.
[ Roscoe exits, as a Dad and his son enter with boxes of candy ]
Dad: Yo! Would anybody like to buy some M&Ms today? For the Saint… something mumbled name After School Project?
[ they work their way through the car ]
Old Woman: I’m allergic to nuts! [ she waves him away ]
Man: It’s a scam! Get away from me!
Husband: No thanks, buddy, I’m good.
Dad: Okay, okay! Well, maybe you need to see us break it down!
[ the Dad and his son break into a choreographed dance, which only the Husband and his Wife seem to get into ]
Wife: Oh, wow!
Husband: Wow!
Wife: Yes!
Husband: Wow, yes! Absolutely! I definitely think that deserves something! Here you go — onesie… twosie. [ hands the kid two coins, but the kid holds out for more ] Okay. Let me just, uh — [ pulls out his wallet ] p-fab that up! I don’t know. [ hands the kid a dollar ] There you go.
Dad: That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Thank you VERY much!
Husband: Thank you.
Dad: Have a good day!
Husband: Okay.
Dad: Alright!
Husband: Great. Alright, well, uh — don’t I — I don’t get the candy, then?
Dad: No! You paid for the DANCE portion of the program!
Husband: I see.
Dad: Alright!
[ the Dad and his son exit to the next car, as a pair of Mexican performers enter the car ]
Husband: Oh!
[ the Mexican performers hover over the Husband and wife as they perform ]
Husband: Yes! Yes! Oh… wow!
[ the Mexican performers finish, then extend their sombreros around the car ]
Old Woman: I don’t care for your rhythms.
Man: Keep walking, Speedy!
Husband: [ holds up a dollar ] you have a bueno day.
Mexican Man 2: Gracias, Senor! [ kisses Husband on the head ]
Wife: Awww!
Husband: Oh… great! A little extra there. Thank you very much. [ Mexican Man 1 stesps forward to kiss him as well [ No, sir… I’m fine! Okay.
[ the Mexican performers exit to the next car ]
Wife: Oh, wow — that’s weird!
Husband: Yeah?
Wife: Yeah. You don’t see a lot of Mexicans in New York.
Husband: No, you don’t.
Wife: So, um — what are you looking for at the flea market?
Husband: Well, I, uh — definitely could use some plants, and, of course, I’m always on the lookout for my Cabbage Patch Kids collectibles. So… I have my fingers crossed there.
[ suddenly, a barbershop quartet enters the car ]
Barbershop Quartet Leader: Good morning, all. We are the Jolly Town Gentlemen, and — do not be fooled — although we are white and have costumes, we are quite homeless, and would appreciate a moment of your time.
Barbershop Quartet Member 1: “By the liiiight…”
Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “By the light, by the liiiight…”
Barbershop Quartet: “Of the silvery moo-oo-oo-oon…”
Barbershop Quartet Member 1: I want to spoo-oo-oon…
Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “He wants to spoon, he wants to spoon…”
Barbershop Quartet Member 1: With my lover, I’ll croo-oo-oon…
Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “He loves to –“
Barbershop Quartet Member 1: By the silvery…
Barbershop Quartet: “We’re really homeless! By the silvery moo-oo-oo-oon!!:
[ the Barbershop Quartet Leader extends his hat through the car ]
Old Woman: A rather tepid arrangement.
Man: Eat me.
Wife: [ to her Husband ] Come on, honey — they’re really homeless.
Husband: Are your arms broken, by the way?
Wife: I only have twenties.
Husband: Alright, alright… [ he takes out his wallet ] It’s really fantastic, men. A very, very good job. [ he puts a dollar in the Barbershop Quartet Leader’s hat ] Okay?
Barbershop Quartet Leader: Thank you-ou-ouuu…
Barbershop Quartet Member 1: [ extends his hat ] Thank you-ou-ouuu…
Husband: Ah! [ puts a dollar in his hat ]
Barbershop Quartet Member 2: Thank you-ou-ouuu…
Husband: Saw that coming. [ puts a dollar in his hat ] There you go.
Barbershop Quartet Member 3: Thank you-ou-ouuu…
[ Husband puts a dollar in his hat ]
Barbershop Quartet: Thank you!!
Husband: Great.
Barbershop Quartet Leader: By the way… we aren’t really homeless.
[ they run out of the car, as a Blind Girl stumbles into the car ]
Blind Girl: Ladies and gentlemen! I am homeless and blind! But check this out: [ singing ] “Give me oooooone moment in tiiiiiime When I’m more… than I thought… I could beeeeeee! Aaaaaand… in that one moment of tiiiiiime I will beeeeee…. I will beeeeee…. I will be freeeeeeeeeeeee!!”
[ everyone in the car applauds ]
Old Woman: [ rises to put a dollar in the Blind Girl’s cup ] Now, THAT is why I take the train!
Man: [ putting a dollar in her cup ] You… are going to Hollywood, sister!
Blind Girl: Thank you!
Husband: [ examining his wallet ] Baby… I’m out of cash!
Wife: [ whispering ] Well, just be quiet — she won’t know we’re here.
Blind Girl: [ steps closer ] Pay up! I can smell you!
Husband: Really? Okay. Alright. Uh — here we go… [ digs through his jacket ] I think I have some money… right here. [ pulls out a receipt ] Oh, yes! Oh, my! This is TEN dollars! [ he slips it into her cup ]
Blind Girl: Oh! Thank you! [ she rubs the recept between her fingers ]
Husband: Yes.
Blind Girl: [ she crinkles the receipt near her ear ] That’s a Burger King receipt!
Husband: [ innocent ] What are you talking about?
Blind Girl: How can you cheat a blind, homeless girl?!!
[ the Blind Girl starts to beat the Husband with her walking stick, as the Old Woman and Man with the newspaper rally in her defense and chase him off the car ]
[open on romantic fireside setting with man and woman in robes sitting, toasting with champagne]
Man: Well, happy Valentine’s Day. I love you, baby.
Woman: I love you, too. I can’t think of anything that would make this night more romantic.
Man: Well, I sure can. Are you looking for that perfect CD to get your lady in the mood this Valentine’s Day? Well, how about this? [holds up “The Best of T.T. & Mario” CD] The greatest compilation of love songs ever on one compact disc. “The Best of T.T. & Mario.” Music was made for loving, and nobody sang about loving better than T.T. & Mario. You’ll get songs like “First Love.”
[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario dressed in white ’70s clothes, their hands to one another’s faces as they turn around each other]
[romantic ballad music]
T.T.: First love. / First kiss. / First that. / Now this.
Mario: First time I took off all your clothes, / I saw your boobies, / And they were excellent.
[music gets funky]
T.T.: I held your booty / And the booty was so tight. / Singing booty so right.
[dissolve to close up of romantic couple, the woman having a very wooden smile]
Man: Oh, boy, doesn’t that bring back memories?
Woman: Not really.
Man: Really? Well, I know you’re going to know this one. Who didn’t groove on this bad mama-jama in 1977? “Rollerskate Love.”
[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, walking slowly towards each other]
[romantic ballad music]
Mario: You are so beautiful.
T.T.: And you are my knight in shining armor.
[music gets funky]
Mario: Let me put it in a little bit.
Both: Just the tip!
[dissolve to romantic couple, the woman having a forced expression but clearly somewhat puzzled]
Man: That takes me back to my eighth grade dance.
Woman: Wow, the song’s called “Rollerskate Love.” They never even mention rollerskating.
Man: Eh. Well, listen, here’s one where they do mention roller skates, the 1970 classic, “With You.”
[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, hand in hand]
[funky music]
Mario: I’m gonna put your hands in rollerskates, / Flip you upside down. / Wheel you into the kitchen / And put whipped cream on your business.
[Mario whirls T.T. around]
Both: With you.
T.T.: I can be butt naked.
Both: With you.
T.T.: My arms are getting tired.
[dissolve to romantic couple reclining on rug in front of fire, the woman now visibly distressed]
Man: If you tried to find all these songs separately, you’d have to buy over three albums, but you get all your T.T. & Mario favorites on one CD. [he caresses the woman’s thigh] Songs like [listen songs scroll from bottom to top] “Let Me See Them,” “Booty’s So Tight,” “Masquerade Booty,” “Booty Fire,” “You Are a Lady, Right?” “Atomic Booty,” and “Big Nippled Woman.”
Woman: I’ve never heard of any of these songs.
Man: Oh, why don’t you shut your mouth and listen to their 1974 hit, “Hearts Will Survive,” the long theme song from the movie “Earthquake.”
[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, back to back]
[funky music]
T.T.: Getting freaky in the shower.
Mario: Do me a favor, drop the soap.
Both: Ooh, oh.
T.T.: Your booty’s so tight.
Both: Booty so ti-ee-ight! [spoken] Oh, my God. It’s an earthquake.
[dissolve to romantic couple reclining on rug in front of fire, the woman now completely revolted as the man strokes her hair]
Woman: Are these even real musicians?
Man: [forces her head onto the floor as he climbs on top of her] Don’t spoil the mood! T.T. & Mario are about to “Turn it Up.”
[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, back to back]
[funky music]
T.T.: Turn it up!
Both: Whoo!
T.T.: Turn up the Johnny Carson.
Mario: The children are asleep. / Let me hear you make some noise, / Such as…
[moaning sounds from both, the word “booty” is heard several times, T.T. pantomimes spanking Mario’s booty]
Mario: Now let’s go to bed.
T.T.: ‘Cause my booty is so tired.
[dissolve to romantic couple kneeling in front of fire, the man massaging the shouldres of the woman who is now shocked, appalled, and shaking her head in denial of what she has just seen and heard]
Man: Now, I don’t want you to wait, because this incredible offer is not available in stores. I want you to go ahead and call 1-555-01199-niner-9-99.
Woman: Okay, that’s not even a real–
Man: I love you, too, baby! [he tilts her head to kiss her and pushes her down onto the ground]
Woman: [trying to push him off] What?! We’re actors! Give me a break!
Man: Go with it. Come on, now!
Woman: What are you doing?!
Man: You can come in, too, missy.
Woman: What?!
[dissolve to title screen with image of “The Best of T.T. & Mario” CD and title and voice over: “‘The Best of T.T. & Mario’ is not really available.”]
