Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Prince Charles…..Seth Meyers
Camilla Parker-Bowles…..Fred Armisen
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, Prince Charles stunned the world by announcing that he’ll marry his longtime girlfriend, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Tina Fey: After marrying Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles’ title will be Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall, and when Charles becomes king, she will not be the queen, but her title will be the Princess Consort. While my title will remain “Lady Sugarwalls.”

In the wake of the successful Iraqi elections, President Bush’s job approval rating has jumped up to 57%, or as high school teachers call it, an “F.” [applause; Tina cheers with the audience]

Amy Poehler: Earlier today, former Vermont governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee. No word on who will be the neck. [slow audience reaction; some delayed applause] You’re getting it- there you go.

According to former detainees at Guantanamo Bay, interrogators would threaten prisoners, and tell them, “The world doesn’t know you’re here. Nobody knows you’re here.” So, basically, the same speech Tina gives me every night.

[Tina cuts an apple with a large butcher’s knife]

Tina Fey: Don’t you forget it, either. [she eats a chunk of the apple off the knife, while Amy nervously gasps]

Amy Poehler: Scary!

As we mentioned earlier, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles announced their engagement this week. Here to discuss their upcoming nuptials, please welcome Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles!

[Pan to Charles and Camilla. Camilla rests her head on Charles’ shoulder]

Prince Charles: Hello, Amy and Tina. Have you heard the news? Isn’t it joyous? I mean, just look at this vision! I doubt there’s a man in the room who wouldn’t want to change places with me.

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Oh Charles!

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla. [they almost kiss, but back off at the last second]

Amy Poehler: Wow! You guys seem really, really happy.

Prince Charles: Well, can you blame me, Amon- uh, can you blame me, Amy? Not only- sometimes I get my words so screwed up, she’s so beautiful!

Not only do I get to look on this jewel every single day, but now I’ve locked her up for the long term!

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Oh Charles!

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla, mmm….. [He places their foreheads together as they gaze at each other]

Amy Poehler: OK, alright. Let- let me say something. Uh, Charles—

Prince Charles: Yes? [they awkwardly hug each other]

Amy Poehler: You are the heir to the throne of Great Britain, so basically you could have your pick of any woman in the world.

Prince Charles: Oh, I know, exactly! You think I would’ve landed this beauty otherwise? Why if I were just plain old Charlie Windsor Businessman, I shudder to think what kind of woman I would’ve ended up with! Someone like one of you two, I imagine. [shudders]

Amy Poehler: So, Camilla, I’m guessing you have a great personality—

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Not really, no.

Prince Charles: Does it matter, Amy? I mean, look at her…

[They french kiss each other maniacally while Amy stares at them. Cheers and applause. Camilla sticks her finger in Charles’ mouth]

Amy Poehler: Wow, you guys are in love. So, uh, so when’s the date?

Prince Charles: April 8th, and it can’t come soon enough! Oh, my sweet Camilla, I can’t wait for when she comes trotting down the aisle, with a beautiful gate. And when she lifts her veil, the entire audience will gasp.

Amy, Tina: Yes, right. They’ll gasp.

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla, darling, make that face that I love.

[Camilla opens her eyes wide and stares nervously at the camera]

No, no! Save it for the wedding night, my dear! Save it for the wedding night! [they french kiss each other again]

Amy Poehler: Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles, everyb- get a room, you two! Get a room! [more cheers and applause]

Prince Charles: You mean a palace! We’ll get a palace!

Amy Poehler: Whatever, get a palace!

Tina Fey: Camilla Parker-Bowles, and that dude.

This past Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers.

Amy Poehler: This week, Ford Motors announced a massive recall of its compact car, the Ford Focus, making it the first time a car has been recalled for being dangerously uncool.

Scientists are developing a magic mirror that uses computer technology and a camera to show you how you might look in the future, based on your current lifestyle. Let’s have a look at my magic mirror image. [picture of Heather Locklear] Ooh, great! I’ll take that, that’s great.

Tina Fey: Cool, OK. Alright, let’s check mine out. [picture of Bea Arthur] Yeah, awesome! I must’ve been livin’ hard! Yes!

The head of the Vermont Teddy Bear company resigned from the board of Vermont’s largest hospital Wednesday after he angered critics by selling a straitjacketed “Crazy for You” bear. Even more controversial, however, the company’s “You Make My Knees Weak” bear, [picture of a teddy bear in a wheelchair] “You Take My Breath Away” bear, [a bear with a plastic bag over its head] and the “I’m Nuts Over You” bear. [unclothed bear with two large, furry testicles; applause]

Amy Poehler: Cute!

Tina Fey: I’d buy it.

Amy Poehler: David James Elliott, the star of the CBS show “JAG,” announced that he will be leaving the show at the end of the season to develop projects at ABC. Among the shows Elliott is pitching is a sitcom about old ladies called “HAG,” a show about a down-and-out racehorse called “NAG,” and a gay-themed show called—“Fancy That.”

Tina Fey: Sources say that Macaulay Culkin and Chris Tucker are willing to testify that Michael Jackson never molested them during their many childhood sleepovers at Neverland Ranch. In a related story, I’m gonna testify in the Robert Blake trial, ‘cause that guy never tried to murder me! He never murdered me once!

Amy Poehler: According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Presidential nominee in 2008. Democrats say they’re looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.

Tina Fey: A California lawyer alleged Wednesday that thirty years ago, Bill Cosby drugged her and tried to molest her, and after she fought back, he dropped two hundred-dollar bills on a table and fled. Cosby says he can’t be held responsible for his actions, since at the time he was suffering from, [imitating Bill Cosby] “the brain damage!”

Amy Poehler: That’s funny. Is Kenan coming out to imitate Bill Cosby now?

Tina Fey: [still as Bill Cosby] No, Kenan is not coming out because of the “Fat Albert,” and the money, and the sequels!

Amy Poehler: [also as Bill Cosby] Of course he can’t talk about the boobies, and the groping, and the pudding pops!

Tina Fey: Because it would upset Mr. Cosby, and his wife, Camiiillle!

[Kenan walks in and stands behind Tina and Amy]

Kenan Thompson: Wow, thanks for that. Great job, you guys. I didn’t say any of that, because Kenan Thompson loves to work, OK? Peace. [walks off; some applause]

Tina Fey: Wow, Kenan Thompson loves to work, everybody.

Amy Poehler: Loves to work? Who doesn’t?

Ernst Mayr, a retired Harvard University evolutionary biologist, called “the Darwin of the 20th Century,” died last Thursday at the age of a hundred. Mayr was killed by a bigger, stronger evolutionary biologist.

Tina Fey: Al Franken said this week that he will consider running for a Senate seat in Minnesota in 2008. Franken would be the first “SNL” alum to hold office since last year, when Tracy Morgan declared himself “the Mayor of Scores!” [some applause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amon Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tinam Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
February 19th, 2005

Hilary Swank

50 Cent

None

Olivia

Jim Downey
Michael Jackson on Neverland RanchSummary: Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch) and other celebrities visit Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) at his sickbed when he takes ill before his child molestation trial.

Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Jason Bateman.

Hilary Swank’s MonologueSummary: Hilary Swank wanders backstage to observe the odd ways the cast prepare themselves for the live show.

Bio: Hilary Swank (1974-). Actress; won Oscars for Best Actress for “Boys Don’t Cry” (1999) and “Million Dollar Baby” (2004).

Transcript

Grayson-Moorhead SecuritiesSummary: Back after nine years, Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) demonstrates how his financial company loses their clients’ money with pride.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.

Transcript

Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles FaceSummary: Sheila Choad (Rachel Dratch) hosts the only talk show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle.

Transcript

Grayson-Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) relates how his Clients lost their money but gained the knowledge of failure.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.

Transcript

Hot PlatesSummary: Despite their waiter’s (Horatio Sanz) repeated warnings about how extremely hot their dinner plates are, a group of friends touch the hot plates to see for themselves.

Transcript

Debbie DownerSummary: Hilary Swank’s childhood nanny, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch), joins her and husband Chad Lowe (Will Forte) at the Oscars ceremony, and brings her excitement down a notch.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

50 Cent and Olivia perform “Candy Shop”Also Performed: 02r.

Bio: Olivia (1981-). R&B/rap femme fatale; hit single “Bizounce” in 2001.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: In a filmed report, Tom Jankeloff (Fred Armisen) gauges the public’s reaction to the Central Park Gates. Oscar nominee Morgan Freeman (Finesse Mitchell) announces that he wants to do some lovemaking scenes in his movies.

Transcript

Seasons of LoveSummary: Unable to complete an important crying scene, a soap actress (Hilary Swank) receives help from a crying coach (Rachel Dratch).

City Court with Aaron NevilleSummary: The deficiency in Aaron Neville’s (Horatio Sanz) knowledge of the law is covered by his crooning during court proceedings.

Transcript

After the GrammysSummary: Later that night, Jennifer Lopez (Maya Rudolph) and Marc Anthony (Fred Armisen) are still singing.

Recurring Characters: Jennifer Lopez.

50 Cent performs “Disco Inferno”Lyrics

Project RunwaySummary: Heidi Klum (Hilary Swank) hosts, as fashion designers create a clothing line for KFC’s Col. Sanders.

Recurring Characters: Heidi Klum.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The FalconerSummary: While arguing about whose fate is rougher, a lightning bolt causes the Falconer (Will Forte) and Donald to switch bodies.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Tom Brady.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

ScorpioSummary: An incompetent female spy (Hilary Swank) chooses the wrong suitcase.

Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.

Note: This short film will later air in the episode hosted by Lindsey Lohan.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

Lap DanceSummary: Kenan Thompson treats Seth Meyers to a lap dance for his birthday, but the showgirl (Hilary Swank) does a poor job of it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13


Search Now:

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

City Court with Aaron Neville

Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz
Margaret Shanklin…..Hilary Swank
Dale James…..Chris Parnell
Bailiff…..Rob Riggle
Odell…..Kenan Thompson
Interviewer…..Seth Meyers
Man in the street…..Finesse Mitchell

(Pax logo)

Announcer: You´re watching Pax. What´s up with that?

(Montage has Aaron Neville dressed in a cutoff robe,slow dancing with mic on hand in a cloudy, smoky set)

Announcer: You are now entering the chambers of CityCourt with Aaron Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I don´t know much, and I don´thave a law degree…

Announcer: Aaron Neville is a multiple Grammy-Awardwinning recording artist. He is not a judge nor is hea legal professional of any kind.

Aaron Neville: (sings)But I do know that I like tosettle disputes…

Announcer: All the litigants agreed to have theircases settled solely on the basis of Aaron Nevillerudimentary understanding of the American Legal Systemand innate sense of fair play.

Aaron Neville: And that may be all I need tokno-o-o-o-o-o-ow.(Crosses his arms, looks at camerawith beatific smile.)

(Cut to inside of a courtroom. Plaintiff MargaretShanklin is a trashy looking woman, chewing gum andholding a dog wrapped in a red leather jacket.Caption:Margaret Shanklin Plaintiff)

Announcer: The litigant Margaret Shanklin claims thather ex-boyfriend Dale James owes her over $1,500dollars in unpaid loans.

(Dale is picking his nose, has a stupid look on hisface, sunglasses, ponytail.Caption:Dale JamesDefendant)

Bailiff: Court is now in session. All rise for Mr.Aaron Neville.

(All rise, Aaron enters, sits in the judge´s podium)

Aaron Neville: The litigants have been sworn in and Ihave read your complaints. So please Ms. MargaretShanklin, (sings)tell it like it i-i-i-i-is.

Margaret Shanklin: Well your honor Aaron Neville, Ihad set aside $1,500 dollars to open up my ownbusiness making Thriller-Style Michael Jacksonjackets(holds up dog)for my dog. Which I loaned to mytrifling good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend Dale.

Dale James: Huh-uh, your Honor, that ain´t true. Whenshe gave me that money she said it was a gift, uh,because she was so impressed with my lovemakingskills.

Aaron Neville: Please Mr. James, you´ll have yourchance in a second. Ms.Shanklin, please continue.

Margaret Shanklin: Thank you, your Honor.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I am not a ju-u-u-u-udge.

Margaret Shanklin: Right. Mr.Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)Thank you-u-u-u-u-u-u.

Margaret Shanklin: Um, anyways as I was saying, Iloaned Dale the money so he could pay off hisBlockbuster fines then I find out he used it to gethis car painted like the General Lee from “The Dukesof Hazard”.

Dale James: It was an investment, your Honor. Iplanned to use it to make money at mall openings,parades, you know, car shows and such.

Margaret Shanklin: It´s a Dodge Neon, Dale. It lookscrazy!

Aaron Neville: (sings)Everybody just play it co-o-o-olfor a second.(stops singing, turns to bailiff)Excuseme bailiff, you have my cocoa butter?

Bailiff: Yeah, they only had the 12 ounce tubethough.(gives Aaron the tube of cocoa butter)

Aaron Neville: Thank you. Excuse me, my lady.(startssmearing cocoa butter on his arms)

Margaret Shanklin: So anyways Dale pulls up…

Aaron Neville: Excuse me, would either of you care forsome(sings)cocoa buttha-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: No, thank you, sir.(Dale nods no)

Aaron Neville: My tattoos respond well to frequentcocoa butter applications.

Margaret Shanklin: OK.

Aaron Neville: (sings)It accentuates my muscle tone,while moisturizing my dry ski-i-i-i-i-i-n.

Margaret Shanklin: Right.

Aaron Neville: Ok, Mr.James. Please tell me your sideof the story.

Dale James: I fully intended to pay her back but nextthing I know she´s shacking up with Stavros, thelandlord.

Margaret Shanklin: That ain´t true!!

Aaron Neville: Order!Order!(pounds gavel, gavel slipsout of his hand. Tries pounding again, slips and itfalls again to the floor) Please excuse me, my handsare slippery with(sings)cocoa butha-a-a-a.(littlecrack up)Ms. Shanklin I see you have a witness here.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr.Neville This is my sonOdell from my first marriage.

(Young black teen steps up)

Odell: Yo´, what´s up your honor?

Aaron Neville: I see you had some(sings)chocolate inyour peanut buttha-a-a-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr. Neville in the early 90´sI found myself in a common law situation with LawrenceTaylor of the New York Giants.

Aaron Neville: Ok, as it turns out I am running outof(sings)cocoa buttha-e-o-e-o-a-a.(stops singing)So Iwill be right back with my decision in a few moments.Excuse me.

(cut to a statue of Lady Justice.Caption: You Be TheJudge. Man in a suit interviews a man on the street)

Interviewer: She claims he owes her $1,500 dollars. Hesays no way! How do you feel Aaron Neville will rule?

Man on the street: I don´t think he knows much aboutthe law.

Interviewer: Yeah, tell me about it. But what aboutthe case?

Man on the street: Seems like he is pretty into cocoabutter.

Interviewer: Yes, yes he is. All right, back to thestudio for Aaron Neville´s ruling.

(Back in the courtroom, Aaron continues to apply cocoabutter on his arms)

Aaron Neville: (sings) Oh, the touch, the feel of cocoabutha-a-a-a-a.(stops singing) Ok, here´s myruling.(sings)Bop, bop, boop, boop. Bop,bop, boop,boop. Bop, bop, boop, boop. Everybody acts like a foolsometimes,(confused look on Margaret´s face, Aaronuses cocoa butter tube like a mic)You lent some moneyto this stupid fool(Dale shrugs)you ain´t gonna get itback babe, next time you make a loan you should put itin writing, that´s just common sense. Everybody nowleaves the courtroom, leave.(stops singing)Good nighty´all.

Announcer: Guests of City Court with Aaron Nevillestay at Aaron Neville´s house.(Photo of white and bluehouse-boat on a river.Caption:Aaron Neville´s house)And special thanks to Queen Helene´s cocoabutter(photo of Queen Helene cocoa butterrecipient)Now that we mentioned your product, pleasesend us free stuff.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face

Sheila Choad…..Maya Rudolph
Susan Diteward…..Hilary Swank
Alyssa Hudsies…..Amy Poehler
Pamela Albert…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: You’re watching Fine Living, eww. At 1:00 PM it’s The Wealthy Golfer, followed by Where to Store Your Racecars in Tuscany. But first, Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face.

(SUPER: SHIELA CHOAD’S LOS ANGELES FACE)

Sheila: (with a Botox-ed face and an English accent) Good day, I’m Sheila Choad. Welcome to the Los Angeles Face, the only show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle. My guests today are Susan Diteward-

Susan: (with a Botox-ed face) I’m so excited to be here!

Sheila: Alyssa Hudsies-

Alyssa: It’s a Zen pleasure.

Sheila: And Pamela Albert.

Pamela: (with a scrunched-up face) Hey.

Sheila: Ladies, let me first say that you are all beautiful, and I am feeling so much girl power right now. Alyssa, tell us your story. How did Botox find you?

Alyssa: Sheila, I would love to. I live in Los Angeles, I’m a stay-at home non-mom. And originally I was very opposed to any forms of cosmetic procedures, but then my husband hired a 19-year old Brazilian girl to answer phones at his Mercedes dealership.

Sheila: Oh, 19 and Brazilian. Double whammy! (Sheila and Alyssa both try to laugh, but are having difficulties.) Susan, how about you? What inspired you to inject botchenism into your face?

Susan: Well Sheila, I work in the highly competitive entertainment industry.

Sheila: Ah, indeed yes.

Susan: And if I don’t look fresh and sexy, these Hollywood executives will find someone who does.

Sheila: I see. What is it that you do exactly?

Susan: I operate the Revenge of the Mummy roller coaster at Universal Studios.

Sheila: And you look gorgeous doing it. Take a look at Susan’s before picture. (A picture of what Hilary Swank actually looks like, except with a slightly misshapen head.) Oh, that’s awful! How embarrassing!

Susan: Now no one can tell that I just turned 26.

Sheila: Oh, thank God!

Susan: How about you, Sheila?

Sheila: Excuse me?

Susan: What made you choose Botox and collagen?

Sheila: (Uncomfortable) Um… no, I’ve never gotten… any of those. I’m just… the paid host of the show.

Alyssa: Really?

Sheila: (Angry) Yes bitch, really. Don’t give me that look. (Alyssa looks confused, but doesn’t move her face.) Now, on to Pamela. Pamela, how has your life been enhanced for Botox?

Pamela: (With a muffled voice) Well, I read an ad in the Orlando Central saying the nail salon behind Howard Johnson’s was having a Botox sale!

Sheila: Uh-huh, I see.

Pamela: But I didn’t have the whole $99, so the guy said he’d do half my face for 50.

Sheila: Uh-huh.

Pamela: But it turns out it wasn’t real Botox. He injected my face with a mixture of salmonella and (Trying to say “scorpion venom,” but comes out muffled)

Sheila: (Confused) Scope and lemon?

Pamela: Scorpion venom!

Sheila: Oh, scorpion venom! My goodness! What a terrible thing!

Alyssa: Oh my God, so tragic!

Susan: To think someone would do that enrages me! I’m so enraged right now!

Pamela: Yeah. Plus he did some weird credit card fraud on me, and now I owe $2,000 to a cell phone store in Miami!

Sheila: Damn it! I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry today! And now look at me, I’m- I’m crying like a baby!

Susan: Me too!

Alyssa: Am I?

Pamela: Yeah. It’s hard for me to feed myself.

Sheila: (Not understanding) What?

Pamela: It’s hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: (Still not understanding) What’s that?

Pamela: It’s hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: Wonderful. Good for you. Ladies, If you have had any advice for potential Botox clients, what would it be?

Alyssa: Um, I would just say, do it. Do it for yourself, and also just do it because everyone else is doing it.

Susan: If you find a doctor who’s really willing to work with you, you can get him to put Botox in your bikini area. It makes you look really rested down there.

Sheila: Pamela?

Pamela: Umm, if a guy says he left his medical license if Cuba, umm, maybe you should just get out of there. (Pauses) Especially if he’s wearing a Burger King uniform!

Sheila: Once again, I didn’t catch any of that. Join us next week on the Los Angeles Face when my guests will be Nicole Kidman (Pauses) ‘s dog walker, and comedienne Jerry Shandly. Buh-bye!

(Fades Out)

Submitted by: Casey Ellis

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Debbie Downer

…..Hilary Swank
Chad Lowe…..Will Forte
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Man #1…..Seth Meyers
Man #2…..Fred Armisen

[open on crowd of people dressed in formal wear]

[dissolve to interior tiered seating area with Hilary and Chad]

Hilary: This is so amazing. This such a special night and I am surrounded by everyone that matters to me. Especially you, Chad.

Chad: Oh, well, your friend better get here soon, because I think they’re about to start.

Hilary: Yeah, I know.

Chad: I bet you’re the only person to take your first babysitter to the Oscars.

Hilary: Well, we used to put on plays in my living room, and that’s when I really fell in love with acting. Oh, my God! Here she is! Hi, Deb! [stands and hugs Debbie, who enters from the left.

Debbie: Hey, sorry I’m late. There was an accident on the 405. From the looks of it, there may have fatalities. You gotta assume that when they bring out the jaws of life. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[zoom on Debbie’s sad face]

[dissolve to seating area, with Hilary and Debbie now seated]

Hilary: I’m so glad you’re here. Chad, this is Debbie. She used to babysit me.

Chad: Hi, nice to meet you, Debbie. [they shake hands]

Debbie: Hi. Wow, Hilary, you really look like a movie star.

Hilary: Oh, you look nice, too.

Debbie: Yeah, it’s hard to find dresses that hang right on my frame. Way to go, scoliosis. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Man #1: [from the seat behind Hilary] So, you got the speech ready, Hilary?

Man #2: [from next to Man #1] You better be thanking us!

Hilary: Oh, come on guys!

Man #1: Ooh, check out the diamonds!

Hilary: [puttings her fingertips to her diamond earrings] Harry Winston!

Debbie: Yeah, just think, one of those diamonds could probably pay to rebuild countless homes destroyed by the tsunami. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

[lights dim]

Hilary: Okay guys, I think it’s about to start.

Debbie: [slips off her jacket to reveal a large red ribbon] Okay, wow.

Man #1: Hey, wow, that’s a pretty big ribbon.

Debbie: Oh, yeah, I had a normal-sized one until two weeks ago when they discovered the super strain. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face as she grimaces crookedly with trumpet: prolonged wah wahhhhh]

Chad: So, this was your favorite babysitter?

Hilary: Well, I guess back then I thought she was dark and cool, but now I see she’s just a huge ass-ache.

Chad: Well, here’s the good news: The show’s only six hours long.

[Hilary looks towards Debbie in horror and disgust]

Debbie: [to the men behind her] And if you’re getting a new puppy, do me a favor: check it for ringworm; makes rabies look like the common cold. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with sound effect: rawr rawwwwwr]

[dissolve to exterior of Kodak Theatre with title: “FOUR HOURS LATER”]

[dissolve to seating area]

Debbie: Boy, that was my favorite part of the night: honoring those we lost this year. Sad thing is, most of those deaths were preventable.

Hilary: Why doesn’t she just shut it?

Announcer: Coming up next, the Oscar for Best Actress.

Hilary: Oh, my God, here it comes! I’m so nervous! [smiles and giggles]

Chad: Oh, I’m so proud of you.

Debbie: [leaning across Hilary] Hey, did you guys hear the Prime Minister of Lebanon was assassinated? [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: deep wahhhhh]

Hilary: I can’t take it anymore! You know what, Debbie? You’re a nightmare! This was supposed to be one of the best nights of my life, and all you’ve done is talk about death, tragedy, and the fact your fancy shoes are aggravating your planters warts.

Debbie: Don’t blame me. Blame the pool area at the La Quinta Inn. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face as she frowns distastefully with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Hilary: Ugh, I don’t even want to find out who wins. I’m getting a drink. [stands and exits]

Debbie: [stands and takes Hilary’s seat next to Chad] Mmm, looks like it’s just you and me.

Chad: Well, nice going, Debbie. Now there’s no way I’m going to get thanked. Again. [stands and exits]

Debbie: Sorry guys, I can’t make it to the after-party. [cups hand to mouth to shout] Finger foods do a real number on my GI tract. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie’s face]

Jingle: No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!

Debbie: Guess who’s in bed together: North Korea and nukes.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Goodnights

…..Hilary Swank

Hilary Swank: Thanks to Fiddy Cent.. Olivia.. and everyone at SNL! [ 50 Cent leans in to kiss Swank’s forehead ] Have a great night! Whoooo!! [ wraps her arms around 50 Cent for a hug ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Grayson-Moorhead Securities

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

[SUPER: “Grayson Moorhead Investments”]

[Open on Arthur Grayson, sitting behind a desk in an opulent office]

Arthur Grayson: On Wall Street, there are different types ofinvestors, just as there are different types of investment firms tocater to their needs.

[graph shown of ten-year investment rising over time]

Some seek aggressive capital appreciation, combined with short-termemerging market gains.

[graph shown of a different ten-year investment rising over time]

Others prefer a value-driven model balanced by steady dividend growth.

[back to Grayson]

And each strategy, we suppose, has its place. But at GraysonMoorhead, we take a somewhat different approach.

[graph shown of ten-year investment quickly sinking to zero; back to Grayson]

You see, in choosing stocks for investment, we at Grayson Moorheadhave never followed the conventional Wall Street wisdom — all thebusiness about price to earnings ratios and dividend payout rates, orreturn on common equity. To us, it’s something intangible: a feelingin the gut; a tingle at the back of the neck; a voice whispering inthe ear that says, “These are important companies doing importantthings.” We want our clients to be a part of it. Companies like:

[Company portfolios are shown]

Crocodile Dundee Smoked Dingo Sausage. Excelsior She-Male EscortServices. The President Lyndon B. Johnson Commemorative WristwatchCompany. Goliath Extra-Large Cellular Phones. Rosie Magazine. Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans for Men. And Enron.

[Grayson sits by the fire]

Most of these companies are now bankrupt. Others have been exposed asfronts for a variety of criminal enterprises. Every single one ofthem has lost staggering amounts of money for our investors. But atGrayson Moorhead, we have always felt — and we like to think ourclients would agree – that when you lose your life savings because youbelieved in something greater than yourself, you haven’t really lostit all. For when it comes to investing, there are more importantthings than making money. If you don’t understand that, maybe we’renot the company for you.

[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]

Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients’ money with dignityand pride since 1926.

Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Grayson-Moorhead Securities II

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

[SUPER: Grayson Moorhead Investments]

Female Announcer: A message to our clients from the investment firm of Grayson Moorhead.

[Male announcer reads the following quote, attributed to TheodoreRoosevelt, as the quote is superimposed on screen over a bust ofRoosevelt]

Male Announcer: “Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though risking failure, than to take rank with those timid souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

[Cut to Arthur Grayson, walking around his office]

Arthur Grayson: The last eighteen years have been difficult ones for our clients, but, oh, did they dare mighty things. Consider, forexample, those who invested in our Twenty-First Century Tax AdvantagedSelect Growth Fund. I wish I had that kind of courage.

[He opens up his liquor cabinet and makes himself a drink]

This fund, one of the boldest and most revolutionary ever launched onWall Street, was intended to combine long-term equity growth, steadycapital formation, reliable dividend yield, and minimal tax exposure.

[Graph shown of the investment losing money at a staggering rate,plummeting farther and farther into the red over time]

Unfortunately, it instead turned out to combine immediate capitalhemorrhaging with flat or non-existent dividend growth, followed by aperiod of stagnation, then more capital hemorrhaging, and,surprisingly for a tax-exempt fund, extremely heavy back-end taxpenalties.

[Back to Grayson]

In addition, many investors were referred for criminal prosecution bythe Securities and Exchange Commission, and more than 7,000 had theiridentities stolen by the Russian Mafia, which had unwisely been givenaccess to our computer system. Three had their U.S. Citizenshiprevoked.

[He takes his drink and moves to sit by the fire]

Had you invested $100,000 in this fund five years ago, that investmentwould now be worth absolutely nothing, with a federal income taxliability of nearly $840,000. But you would have something moreimportant than money — that you would have none of. You would havethe pride of knowing that, though you failed, you had dared mightythings, unlike those timid investors who, in the words of the poet,know neither victory nor defeat. Although I suppose investors whoplaced their money with our competitors, and thus made a fortune,could argue they actually did, in fact, know victory. And perhaps, ina financial sense, they did. But they didn’t know defeat. That issomething only our clients understand.

[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]

Male Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients’ money withdignity and pride since 1926.

Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Hot Plates

Female Diner #1…..Hilary Swank
Louis…..Kenan Thompson
Male Diner…..Seth Meyers
Female Diner #2…..Amy Poehler
Waiter #1…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter #2…..Rob Riggle
Satan…..Will Forte

[open on interior of restaurant with four people sitting around a table]

Female Diner #1: Happy birthday, Louis!

Louis: Thanks, you guys. You’re the best!

Male Diner: Happy birthday, buddy. You’re the best.

Female Diner #2: Hey, so I hear the food here is amazing.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Louis: Well, where is it? Because I am starving.

Female Diner #1: Yeah, where–Oh, here’s our waiter now.

Waiter #1: Hey-hey! There we go, folks.

Male Diner: Something smells great.

Waiter #1: [holding heat gloves] Okay, everybody. Your food is here, but I want to warn you, okay? Please be careful. The plates are extremely hot.

Waiter #2: [arriving with food cart] Very hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #1: Okay, okay, we get it. “Hot plates.”

[diners chuckle]

Waiter #1: No, seriously. [puts on heat gloves] These plates are awfully hot. Use extreme caution.

Waiter #2: Hot plates! Coming in! [hands plate to Waiter #1]

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [receives plate from Waiter #2] T-bone! Who’s got the T-bone?! Hot plate here! Hot plate!

Male Diner: Oh, right here. My plate. Sorry.

Waiter #1: Yaaaaah-all right! [puts plate down in front of Male Diner]

Male Diner: Oh! Oh, man! This plate is unreasonably hot! I feel the heat on my face!

Waiter #1: Yeah, you know what? I told you, watch yourself. I told you, the plate would be hot. Okay, the plates are absolutely roasting, folks.

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #2: I’m starting to sweat. This is crazy!

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, who’s got the salmon?

Female Diner #1: That’s me. That’s–right here.

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [puts plate down in front of Female Diner #1]

Female Diner #1: [leaning over the plate] Oh, it looks good!

Waiter #1: Agh! Be careful! Get your hair off the plate! And if I were you, I’d roll up those sleeves. The plate is hot as lava!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

[smoke begins to rise around Female Diner #1’s plate]

Female Diner #1: My plate’s burning the tablecloth.

Waiter #1: Don’t worry, everybody. The tablecloths are made of a heat-resistant asbestos.

Male Diner: Hey, isn’t asbestos dangerous?

Waiter #1: Okay, guy? These plates and how hot they are are the least of your worries, all right?

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates! All right, who had the baby field greens with gargonzola and walnuts?

Louis: Yeah, that’s me, right over here.

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, sir, please, watch it, because the closest comparison I can give you to this plate is, like, the surface of the sun hot. Okay, be careful.

Louis: For a salad plate?

Waiter #1: Yeah. [puts plate down in front of Louis]

[plate bursts into flames]

Louis: Aaaaah! Oh, my lordness! My salad is on fire!

Waiter #1: It’s not the salad! It’s the plate!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Male Diner: Hey, excuse me, waiter? The hot plate kind of overcooked my steak. [holds up his very burnt steak on a fork]

Waiter #1: You know what? I don’t go to where you work and tell you what to do, do I? Where do you work, by the way?

Male Diner: I’m a waiter over at Four Oaks.

Waiter #1: Oh, that’s a nice place.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Waiter #1: I’ll be right back with your food.

Female Diner #1: Um, my plate looks like it may be burning through the table. [plate burns through table and falls amid a cloud of steam, she and Louis gasp]

Male Diner: What is going on?!

Louis: You know, I suddenly feel like I might want to touch my plate.

Female Diner #1: No, you idiot! He just told you how hot they are!

Louis: I can’t resist it any longer! I have to touch that plate! [grasps his right hand in his left and guides it to the plate, screaming in pain upon making contact]

Female Diner #2: What happened?

Louis: Pinky touched the plate. [puts pinky finger into glass of water, which sprays up a large jet in response]

Male Diner: Oh, my God!

Female Diner #1: I gotta admit, it’s getting pretty tempting to touch his plate.

Male Diner: Are you crazy?! Didn’t you just see what happened to Louis?! Goddamn these plates!

Female Diner #1: I hear what you’re saying, but I have to touch the plate! [reaches her right hand to the plate and screams]

Louis: Oh, why did she touch the plate?!

Female Diner #1: He was right! [she tries to pull her hand from the plate, but the heat has fused her skin to it] My hand melted!

[diners scream wildly in terror as Waiter #1 arrives, waring a welding mask on top of his heat, and attempts to pry her fingers from the plate]

Waiter #1: We’re going to deal with that later. But now, something a little more important. Who had the scallop plate?! Scallops?!

Female Diner #2: Right here! My plate! Scallops, right here!

Male Diner: [shrieking] How do you still want the scallops?!

Waiter #1: Now, guys, I have to warn you. These scallops–the plate for these scallops is unlike any other plate in the restaurant. It is hot, do you understand?! It’s unholy hot. You have to avert your eyes when I bring the plate. [lowers welding mask] Whatever you do, don’t look at the plate.

[Waiter #2 arrives, also wearing a welding mask, and holding the plate in tongs. He transfers the tongs to Waiter #1’s hands, and Waiter #1 sets it down in front of Female Diner #2. A fiery, purple-red light shines on her, and all diners recoil with their hands over their faces.]

Female Diner #2: God, you know, I need to look at that plate.

Female Diner #1: No, no, no, I wouldn’t do that!

Waiter #1: Please don’t, not without the mask!

Female Diner #1: He’s even wearing a welder’s hat!

Female Diner #2: I know, I know the risks, yet still I’m compelled. I must look at that plate! [she lowers her hands, leans over the plate, and screams in pain as she falls back with her hands over her eyes]

Female Diner #1: What happened?!

Male Diner: What do you think?! She burned her eyes looking at the plate!

Louis: Oh, we told you not to look at it!

[shot returns to Female Diner #2 to show that she is now a skeleton, with a dramatic musical cue, and all diners scream in terror and anguish]

Female Diner #2: It’s so damn hot!

Satan: Because, my dear, you’re in hell! [cackles as lights flicker with dramatic music, and smoke rises around him, before all effects suddenly stop] But do enjoy your meal.

Male Diner: Thank you.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Hilary Swank’s Monologue

…..Hilary Swank
…..Chris Parnell
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Will Forte
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Hilary Swank!

Hilary Swank: Thank you! I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! I just thought it would be good to do something really stressful the week before the Academy Awards, so that Oscar night will seem really relaxing by comparison. Now, I don’t know if you guys have seen Million Dollar Baby yet…(applause) Thank you! Without giving too much away, I can tell you, it ain’t a comedy. Now, I haven’t done a lot of comedy before, so I really had to work hard this week, and I like to do my homework. So, I spent the week studying the cast. You would not believe how intensely these guys prepare! Well, come on, I’ll show you! (Walks stage left of home base to a set area that is deserted except for Chris Parnell jumping rope in a red exercise outfit.) Here’s Chris. Now, Chris, um, you’re getting ready for a Richard Simmons sketch?

Chris: (laughs) No, Hilary. I like to do 18 minutes of intensive cardio exercise right before each show. Really gets your juices flowing, Hilary. Give it a try. (hands her the jump rope) And, don’t be frustrated if it’s a little hard at first.

Hilary Swank: (takes the jump rope) Oh, okay. (does a swishy thing with the jump rope and then begins jumping faster than Chris was, although she stumbles once. Applause. Then she grins and hands the rope back to Parnell and runs away upstage right.)

Chris: Alrighty…good for you.

Hilary Swank: (running around the audience) Will and Maya taught me that there are totally different kinds of vocal warm-ups you have to do for comedy. (reaches Will and Maya behind the audience)

Will and Maya: (unison) Bilbo Baggins bent on bended knee. (They repeat this as Hilary joins in.) I would like to buy a tuxedo for my dog, Mr. Weisenheimer.

Maya: (Stops Hilary) No, Hilary, Hilary, dig down deep. From, from, your yoni.

Hilary Swank: (Raises her eyebrows and nods. Speaks loudly and throatily) Mr. Weisenheimer!

Maya: Very good, very good. (sticks out her tongue) Rah, rah, rah.

Will: (Joins in with the noises) Va, na dah…

Hilary Swank: (Joins in)

Maya: Ba bay bee bo boo…

Hilary Swank: Thanks guys!

Maya: Anytime.

Hilary Swank: (Continues to make noises and faces as she walks down a hall.) Now, on Saturday, Horatio drinks nothing but liquid egg whites, for energy. (She has reached Horatio and taps him on the shoulder. He is carrying a pitcher full of a mysterious white liquid.) Oh here, lemme have a hit of that. (Grabs the pitcher and takes a gulp. She makes a face.) Horatio, that’s mayonnaise!

Horatio: Is it? (Takes a gulp) So it is. I must take my nutritionist to task! (Dips a piece of bread in the pitcher and eats it.) Post haste!

Hilary Swank: (Rolls her eyes and leaves Horatio, walking down another hall.) Now, Kenan taught me that the biggest thing in live television, is that you have to be relaxed. Like in sports, you need to be in a state of relaxed readiness. (reaches Kenan’s dressing room door, knocks) Kenan! (When there is no answer, she motions to the camera and opens the door. She enters and sits next to Kenan, who is slumped on a couch and dressed as Queen Latifah at the Grammys. He is snoring, but his eyes are open.) Now, Kenan is so deeply relaxed. Check this out! He can actually sleep with his eyes open! And he’s in costume, ready to perform comedy at any time. Watch this. (talks in his ear) Kenan, Kenan, you’re on!

Kenan: (wakes up) Wh-What? (unintelligible) Welcome to the two thousand and five Grammy Awards. (blinks, then slumps back down on the couch)

Hilary Swank: Isn’t that amazing? Kenan, it’s time for Update!

Kenan: (Wakes up again. As Bill Cosby.) What? I love the Jello pudding pops! (slumps down again)

Hilary Swank: (Gets up, walks out) The only other person I knew who could do that, is Morgan Freeman. (Approaches Rachel’s door) Now, Rachel never let me in her dressing room. She’s very private about her process. But, maybe we can get a sneak peek. (Grins, motions to the camera, and opens the door and enters.)

Rachel: You don’t own me. (We see Rachel is dressed in a pink nightie and hairnet, holding a large bottle of liquor. She is talking to something we can’t see.) You’re not the boss of me! (takes a swig) You’re not the boss of me! What you smilin’ at, four eyes, huh? (We see she is talking to a huge photo of Tina Fey.) Whatchoo smiling at?! (She hurls the bottle at the the photo. She looks around, breathing heavily.)

Hilary Swank: Whoa, let’s get out of here. (Exits) Um, who knew Rachel Dratch’s comedy came from such a dark place? (Goes down a corridor to another hall) Whoa. Wow. That’s a lotta anger coming out of such a tiny body. (She reaches Amy and Seth, who appear not to notice her.)

Seth: So I think, you know, when the Little Sleuths come in, that’s, you know, when we’re gonna start it.

Amy: Yeah yeah yeah, we just gotta keep our energy up.

Seth Meyers: Yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely, you know-

Hilary Swank: These guys, they like to study their old scripts to go over them again and again.

Amy: Yeah.

Seth: (to Amy) I’m really happy we’re doing this scene.

Amy: Me too. (They look as if they are about to hug, and then start wildly making out.)

Hilary Swank: Um…hey guys, are you ready for the show?

Amy: (They stop) Oh hey!

Seth: Haha, we didn’t see you!

Amy: You were standing right next to us. We just have, what we do to get in the funny zone.

Seth: Yeah yeah yeah, get in the funny zone.

Hilary Swank: Well, I definitely want to get in the funny zone. (Starts making out with Seth, then they stop and laugh)

Seth: Hahaha, that was so funny!

Hilary Swank: That was hilarious! I’m ready! (runs off)

Seth: Hahaha!

Amy: (looks pissed) What the hell was that?

Seth: What? I have to, she’s the host!

Amy: (pause) I love how spineless you are. (They go at it again. Seth pushes her onto a cafeteria table, knocking over bowls of fruit.)

Hilary Swank: (back at home base) Alright! I am pumped, I am in the zone…I’m vaguely nauseous…let’s start this thing! We have got a great show for you, Fiddy Cent is here! (applauds) So stick around, we’ll be right back!

(Fade.)

Submitted by: Hillary

SNL Transcripts